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"SWINGIN ROUND THE CIRKLE."


BY


PETROLEUM V. NASBY,

LATE PASTOR OF THE CHURCH OF THE NEW DISPENSATION, CHAPLAIN TO HIS
EXCELLENCY THE PRESIDENT, AND P.M. AT CONFEDERATE × ROADS, KENTUCKY.


HIS IDEAS OF

MEN, POLITICS, AND THINGS,

AS SET FORTH IN HIS LETTERS TO THE PUBLIC PRESS, DURING THE YEAR 1866.


Illustrated by Thomas Nast.


BOSTON:
LEE AND SHEPARD.
1867.




_DEDIKASHUN UV THIS BOOK._

                           TO

                     ANDROO JOHNSON,

             THE PRIDE AND HOPE UV DIMOCRISY,

       Who hez bin Alderman uv his native village,
                  Guvner uv his State,
         Member uv the lower house uv Congress,
                 And likewise uv the Senit,
  Vice President and President, and might hev bin Diktater,
       But who is, nevertheless, a Humble Individooal;
      Who hez swung around the entire cirkle uv offishl
           honor, without feelin his Oats much;
          The first public man who considered my
                  services worth payin for;

                           AND TO

                     ALEX. W. RANDALL,
                               POSTMASTER GENRAL,

                   His most devoted Servant,
    Whose autograph adorns my Commishn ez Postmaster,
                         _This Volume_

                   IS RESPECTFULLY DEDIKATED.




CONTENTS.


            PREFIS, OR INTERDUCTRY CHAPTER
        I.--AFTER THE NEW JERSEY ELECTION
       II.--CONVERSES WITH GENERAL MCSTINGER
      III.--A REMARKABLE DREAM
       IV.--A CHANGE OF BASE--KENTUCKY
        V.--ABOLITION IN KENTUCKY
       VI.--A CONVERSATION WITH A KENTUCKIAN
      VII.--A VISION--SPIRIT OF ANDREW JACKSON
     VIII.--A PLAN FOR UP-BUILDING THE DEMOCRACY
       IX.--A VISION OF THE NEXT WORLD
        X.--A SONNET
       XI.--THE SITUATION--THE DEMOCRACY WARNED
      XII.--THE PRESIDENT'S 22D OF FEBRUARY SPEECH
     XIII.--A WARNING
      XIV.--REFUSES TO SUPPORT THE PRESIDENT
       XV.--THE PATRIARCHAL SYSTEM
      XVI.--A DREAM
     XVII.--A KENTUCKY TEA PARTY
    XVIII.--A CRY OF EXULTATION
      XIX.--A WAIL OF ANGUISH
       XX.--MOURNFUL VIEW OF THE SITUATION
      XXI.--A PSALM OF GLADNESS
     XXII.--A DISCOURSE UPON THE NIGGER
    XXIII.--WORKINGS OF THE FREEDMEN'S BUREAU
     XXIV.--PRESIDES AT A CHURCH TRIAL
      XXV.--MEETING TO INDORSE GEN. ROSSEAU
     XXVI.--PREACHES--THE "PRODIGAL SON"
    XXVII.--A PLEASANT DREAM
   XXVIII.--THE REWARD OF VIRTUE
     XXIX.--THE CONVOCATION AT PHILADELPHIA
      XXX.--THE GREAT PRESIDENTIAL EXCURSION
     XXXI.--THE PRESIDENTIAL TOUR CONTINUED
    XXXII.--END OF THE PRESIDENTIAL TOUR
   XXXIII.--AT HOME AGAIN
    XXXIV.--THE CLEVELAND CONVENTION
     XXXV.--AN APPEAL TO THE PEOPLE
    XXXVI.--THE OCTOBER ELECTIONS
   XXXVII.--MR. NASBY'S OPINION ON THE CAUSE OF THE PRESIDENT'S DEFEAT
  XXXVIII.--ANDREW JOHNSON PRESIDENT OR KING?
    XXXIX.--A CABINET MEETING
       XL.--SERMON ON THE NOVEMBER ELECTIONS
      XLI.--A FEW LAST WORDS




PREFIS,

OR

INTERDUCTRY CHAPTER.


There is a vacancy in the mind uv the public for jist sich a book ez
this, else it had never bin published. There is a vacancy in my pockit
for the money I am to reseeve ez copy-rite, else I hed never slung
together, in consecootive shape, the ijees wich I hev from time to time
flung out thro the public press, for the enlitenment uv an ongrateful
public and the guidance uv an obtoose Dimocracy.

I didn't put these thots uv mine upon paper for amoozement. There hezn't
bin anythin amoozin in Dimocrisy for the past five years, and the
standard-bearers, the captins uv fifties and hundreds, the leaders uv
the hosts, hev hed a ruther rough time uv it. Our prominence made us
uncomfortable, for we hev bin the mark uv every writer, every orator, ez
well ez uv every egg-thrower, in the country. When that gileless
patriot, Jeems Bookannon, retired to private life, regretted by all who
held office under him, Dimocracy felt that she wuz entrin upon a period
uv darknis and gloom. The effort our Suthern brethrin made for their
rites, rendered the position uv us Northern Dimocrats eggstremely
precarious. We coodent go back on our friends South, for, knowin that
peace must come, and that when it did come we wood hev to, ez in the
olden time, look to them for support and maintenance, it behooved us to
keep on their good side. This wood hev bin easy enuff, but alars! there
are laws agin treason, and two-thirds uv the misguided people north hed
got into a way uv thinkin that the Dimocrasy South had committed that
crime, and they intimated that ef we overstepped the line that divides
loyalty from treason by so much ez the millionth part uv a hair, they'd
make us suffer the penalty they hoped to mete out to them, but wich,
owin to Johnson, they dident, and wat's more, can't. Halleloogy!

But I anticipate. Twict I wuz drafted into a service I detested--twict I
wuz torn from the buzzum uv my family, wich I wuz gittin along well
enough, even ef the wife uv my buzzum wood occasionally git obstinit,
and refooze to give me sich washin money ez wuz nessary to my existence,
preferrin to squander it upon bread and clothes for the
children,--twict, I say, I wuz pulled into the servis, and twict I wuz
forced to desert to the Dimocrisy uv the south, rather than fite agin
em. When finally the thumb uv my left hand wuz acksidentally shot off,
owin to my foot becomin entangled into the lock uv my gun, wich thumb
wuz also accidentally across the muzzle thereof, and I wuz no longer
liable to military dooty and cood bid Provost Marshels defiance, I only
steered clear uv Scylla to go bumpin onto Charybdis. I coodent let
Dimocrisy alone, and the eggins--the ridin upon rails--the takin uv the
oath--but why shood I harrow up the public buzzum? I stood it all till
one nite I wuz pulled out uv bed, compelled to kneel onto my bare knees
in the cold snow, the extremity uv my under garment, wich modesty
forbids me to menshun the name uv it, fluttrin in a Janooary wind, and
by a crowd uv laffin soljers compelled to take the oath and drink a pint
uv raw, undilooted water! That feather broke the back uv the camel. The
oath give me inflamashen uv the brane and the water inflamashen uv the
stumick, and for six long weeks I lay, a wreck uv my former self. Ez I
arose from that bed and saw in a glass the remains uv my pensive beauty,
I vowed to wage a unceasin war on the party wich caused sich havoc, and
I hev kept my oath.

I hev bin in the Apossel biznis more extensively than any man sence the
time uv Paul. First I established a church uv Democrats in a little
oasis I diskivered in the ablishn state uv Ohio, to wit, at Wingert's
Corners, where ther wuz four groceries, but nary church or skool-house
within four miles, and whose populashen wuz unanimously Dimocratic, the
grocery keepers hevin mortgages on all the land around em--but alars! I
wuz forced to leeve it after the election of Linkin in 1864. Noo Gersey
bein the only state North wich wuz onsquelched, to her I fled, and at
Saint's Rest (wich is in Noo Gersey) I erected another tabernacle. There
I stayed, and et and drank and wuz merry, but Ablishnism pursood me
thither, and in the fall uv '65 that state got ornery and cussid, and
went Ablishn, and agin, like the wandrin Jew, I wuz forced to pull up,
and wend my weary way to Kentucky, where, at Confedrit × Roads, I feel
that I am safe. Massychoosets ideas can't penetrate us here. The
aristocracy bleeve in freedom uv speech, but they desire to exercise a
supervision over it, that they may not be led astray. They bleeve they'r
rite, and for fear they'd be forced to change their minds, whenever they
git into argument with anybody, ef the individooal gits the better uv
them, they to-wunst shoot him ez a disturber. Hence Massychoosits can't
disturb us here; the populashen is unanimously Democratic, and bids fair
to continyoo so.

Here I hope to spend the few remainin years uv a eventful life. Here in
the enjoyment uv that end uv the hopes uv all Democrats, a Post Offis,
with four well-regulated groceries within a stun's throw, and a
distillery ornamentin the landscape only a quarter uv a mile from where
I rite these lines, with the ruins uv a burnt nigger school house within
site uv my winder, from wich rises the odor, grateful to a Democratic
nostril, and wich he kin snuff afar off, and say ha! ha! to, uv a half
dozen niggers wich wuz consumed when it wuz burned, wat more kin I want?
I feel that I am more than repaid for all my suffrins, and that I shel
sale smoothly down the stream uv time, unvexed and happy.

It is proper to state that the papers uv which this volume is composed
wuz written at various times and under various circumstances. They
reflect the mind uv the author doorin a most eventful year in his
history, and mark the condition uv the Dimocrisy from week to week.
Consekently they shift from grave to gay, from lively to severe, with
much alacrity, the grate party seemin at times to be lifted onto the top
wave uv success, and at other times bein down in the trough uv
despondency and despair.

I mite say more, but wherefore? Ez the record uv a year uv hopes and
fears, uv exaltation and depression, it may possess interest or may
not--'cordin to the style uv the reader. Whatever may be its fate, one
thing I am certin uv, to wit: I am a reglerly commissioned P.M.; and
while the approval of the public mite lighten the toils uv offishl life
and sweeten the whisky wich the salary purchases, the frowns uv the said
public can't redoose me to the walks uv private life. They can't frown
me out uv offis, nor frown P.M. General Randall's name off my commishn.

                                                           P.V.N.

  POST OFFIS, CONFEDRIT × ROADS
    (wich is in the State uv Kentucky),
    Oct. 1, 1866.




SWINGIN ROUND THE CIRKLE.




I.

After the New Jersey Election, 1865.


                                                       SAINT'S REST
                                (wich is in the State uv Noo Gersey),
                                                  November, 9, 1865.

Never wuz I in so pleasant a frame uv mind as last night. All wuz peace
with me, for after bein buffeted about the world for three skore years,
at last it seemed to me ez tho forchune, tired uv persekootin a
unforchnit bein, hed taken me into favor. I hed a solemn promise from
the Demekratic State Central Committy in the great State uv Noo Gersey,
that ez soon ez our candidate for Governor wuz dooly elected, I shood
hev the position uv Dorekeeper to the House uv the Lord (wich in this
State means the Capital, & wich is certainly better than dwellin in the
tents uv wicked grosery keepers, on tick, ez I do), and a joodishus
exhibition uv this promise hed prokoored for me unlimited facilities for
borrerin, wich I improved, muchly.

On Wednesday nite I wuz a sittin in my room, a enjoyin the pleasin
reflection that in a few days I should be placed above want & beyond the
contingencies uv fortune. Wood! oh wood! that I hed died then and there,
before that dream ov bliss wuz roodly broken. A wicked boy cum runnin
past with a paper wich he hed brot from the next town where there lives
a man who takes one. He flung it thro the window to me and past on. I
opened it eagerly, and glanced at the hed lines!

    "NOO GERSEY--5,000 REPUBLIKIN!"

One long and piercin shreek wuz heard thro that house, and wen the
inmates rushed into the room they found me inanymate on the floor. The
fatal paper lay near me, explainin the cause uv the catastrophe. The
kind-hearted landlord, after feelin uv my pockets and diskiverin that
the contents thereof wood not pay the arrearages uv board, held a
hurried consultation with his wife as to the propriety uv bringin me to;
he insisting that it wuz the only chance uv gittin what wuz back--she
insistin that ef I was brung to I'd go on runnin up the bill, bigger and
bigger, and never pay at last. While they was argooin the matter, pro
and con, I happened to git a good smell uv his breath, wich restored me
to consciousniss to-wunst, without further assistance.

When in trouble my poetic sole alluz finds vent in song. Did ever poet
who delited in tombs, and dark, rollin streams, and consumption, and
blighted hopes, and decay, and sich themes, ever hev such a pick of
subjects ez I hev at this time? The follerin may be a consolation to the
few Dimokrats uv the North who have gone so far into copperheadism that
they can't change their base:--

    A WALE!

In the mornin we go forth rejoicin in our strength--in the evenin we are
bustid and wilt!

Man born uv woman (and most men are) is uv few days, & them is so full
uv trouble that it's skarsely worth while bein born at all.

In October I waded in woe knee-deep, and now the waters uv afflickshun
are about my chin.

I look to the east, and Massychusets rolls in Ablishun.

To the west I turn my eyes, and Wisconsin, and Minnesota, and Illinoy
ansers Ablishun.

Southward I turn my implorin gaze, and Maryland sends greetin--Ablishun.
In New York we had em, for lo! we run a soljer, who fought valiantly,
and we put him on a platform, wich stunk with nigger--yea, the savor
thereof wuz louder than the Ablishun platform itself.

But behold! the people jeer and flout, and say "the platform stinketh
loud enough, but the smell thereof is _not_ the smell uv the Afrikin--it
is of the rotten material uv wich it is composed, and the corrupshun
they hev placed upon it"--and New York goes Ablishun.

Slocum held hisself up, and sed, "Come and buy." And our folks bought
him and his tribe, but he getteth not his price.

NOO GERSEY--ABLISHUN!!

Job's cattle wuz slain by murrain and holler horn and sich, and, not
livin near Noo York, the flesh thereof he cood not sell.

But Job hed suthin left--still cood he sell the hides and tallow!

Lazarus hed sores, but he hed dorgs to lick them.

Noo Gersey wuz the hide & tallow uv the Dimocrisy, and lo! that is gone.

What little is left uv the Dimocrisy is all sore, but where is the dorg
so low as to lick it!

Noo Gersey wuz our ewe lamb--lo! the strong hand uv Ablishnism hez taken
it.

Noo Gersey wuz the Aryrat on wich our ark rested--behold! the dark waves
uv Ablishnism sweep over it!

Darkness falls over me like a pall--the shadder uv woe encompasseth me.

Down my furrowed cheeks rolleth the tears uv anguish, varyin in size
from a large Pea to a small tater.

Noo Gersey will vote for the Constooshnel Amendment, and lo! the Nigger
will possess the land.

I see horrid visions!

On the Camden and Amboy, nigger brakesmen; and at the polls, niggers!

Where shall we find refuge?

In the North? Lo! it is barred agin us by Ablishnism.

In the South? In their eyes the Northern copperhead findeth no favor.

In Mexico? There is war there, and we might be drafted.

Who will deliver us? Who will pluck us from the pit into wich we hev
fallen?

Where I shel go the Lord only knows, but my impression is, South Karliny
will be my future home. Wade Hampton is electid Governor, certin, and in
that noble State, one may perhaps preserve enough uv the old Dimokratic
States Rites to leaven the whole lump.

  "I'm aflote--I'm aflote
   On the dark rollin sea."

And into what harbor fate will drive my weather-beaten bark, the
undersigned can not trooly say.

Noo Gersey--farewell! The world may stand it a year or two, but I doubt
it.

                    Mournfly and sadly,
                                  PETROLEUM V. NASBY,
                  Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.




II.

A Conversation with General McStinger, of the State of Georgia, which
is interrupted by a Subjugated Rebel.


                                    WASHINGTON, D.C., NOV. 18, 1865.

Sence the November elections I hev bin spendin' the heft uv my time in
Washinton. I find a melankoly pleasure in ling'rin around the scene uv
so many Demokratic triumphs. Here it wuz that Brooks, the heroic,
bludgeoned Sumner; here it wuz that Calhoon, & Yancey, and Breckinridge
achieved their glory and renown. Besides, it's the easiest place to
dodge a board bill in the Yoonited States. There's so many Congressmen
here who resemble me, that I hev no difficulty in passin for one,
two-thirds uv the time.

Yesterday I met, in the readin-room uv Willard's, Ginral MacStinger, of
South Karliny. The Ginral is here on the same bizness most uv the
Southern men hev in this classic city, that uv prokoorin a pardon, wich
he hed prokoored, and wuz gittin ready to go home and accept the
nominashen for Congress in his deestrick.

The Ginral wuz gloomy. Things didn't soot him, he observed, and he wuz
afeerd that the country wuz on the high road to rooin. He hed bin absent
from the Yoonited States suthin over four yeers, wich time he hed spent
in the southern confederacy. When he went out the Constooshnel Dimocrisy
hed some rites wich wuz respected. On his return wat did he see? The
power in the hands uv Radikals, Ablishnism in the majority everywhere, a
ex-tailor President,--a state uv affairs disgustin in the extreme to the
highly sensitive Southern mind. He had accepted a pardon only becoz he
felt hisself constrained to put hisself in2 position to go to Congress,
that the country might be reskood from its impendin peril. He shood go
to Congress, and then he should ask the despots who now hev control,
whether,--

1. They spozed the South wood submit to hoomiliatin condishns?

2. What Androo Johnson means by dictatin to the Convenshuns uv sovereign
States?

"Why," sez he, "but a few days ago this boor hed the ashoorence to write
to the Georgy Convenshun that it '_must not_'--mark the term--'MUST NOT
assoom the confedrit war debt.' Is a tailor to say '_must not_' to
shivelrus Georgy? Good God!--where are we driftin? For one, I never will
be consilliated on them terms--never! I never wuz used to that style uv
talk in Dimekratic convenshuns.

"Ez soon ez I take my seet in Congris," resoomed he, "I shel deliver a
speech, wich I writ the day after Lee surrendered, so ez to hev it
ready, in which I shel take the follerin ground, to wit:

"That the South hev buried the hatchit, and hev diskivered that they
love the old Yoonion above eny thing on earth. But,

"The North must meet us half way, or we wont be answerable for the
consekences. Ez a basis for a settlement, I shell insist on the follerin
condishens:

"The Federal debt must be repoodiated, principal and interest, or ef
paid, the Southern war debt must be paid likewise--ez a peece offerin.
The doctrine uv State Rites must be made the soopreme law uv the land,
that the South may withdraw whenever they feel theirselves dissatisfied
with Massachusetts. Uv coarse this is a olive branch.

"Jefferson Davis must be to-wunst set at liberty and Sumner hung, ez
proof that the North is really consilliatory. On this pint I am
inflexible, and on the others immovable."

An old man who hed bin listnin to our talk, murmured that there wuz a
parallel to this last proposishen.

"Where?" demanded the Genral.

"The Jews, I remember," replied he, "demanded that Barrabas be released
unto them, who wuz a thief, I believe, and the Savior be crucified, but
I forgit jist how it wuz."

The Genral withered him with a litenin glance, and resoomed:

"I shel, uv course, offer the North suthin in the way uv compensation,
for the troo theory uv a Republikin Government is compermise. On our
part we pledge ourselves to kum back, and give the North the benefit uv
our kumin back, so long ez Massachusetts condux herself akkordin to our
ijees uv what is rite. But ef this ekitable adjustment is rejected, all
I hev to say then is, I shell resign, and the Government may sink
without wun effort from me to save it."

I wuz about to give in my experience, when the old man, who wuz sittin
near us, broke in agin:

"My name," sed he, "is Maginnis, and I live in Alabama. I want to say a
word to the gentleman from Karliny, and to the wun from Noo Gersey."

"How," retorted I, "do yoo know I'm from Noo Gersey, not hevin spoken a
word in yoor hearin?"

"By a instink I hev. Whenever I see a Sutherner layin it down heavy to a
indivijouel whose phisynogamy is uv sich a cast that upon beholdin it
yoo instinktively feel to see that yoor pocket-handkercher is safe, a
face that wood be dangerous if it had courage into it, I alluz know the
latter to be a Northern copperhead. The Noo Gersey part I guessed at,
becoz, my friend, that State furnished the lowest order uv copperheads
of any uv em. Pardon me ef I flatter yoo. But what I wanted to say wus,
that I spose suthen hez happened doorin the past 4 years. I was a
original secessionist. Sum years ago I hed a hundred niggers, and wuz
doin well with em. But, unforchunitly, my brother died, and left me ez
much more land, but no niggers. I wanted niggers enuff to work that
land, and spozed ef cut off from the North, and the slave-trade wuz
reopened, I cood git em cheaper. Hentz I seceshed. Sich men ez Genral
McStinger told me the North woodent fight or I woodent hev, secesht, but
I did it. I went out for wool and cum back shorn. I seceshed with 100
niggers to git 200, and alas! I find myself back into the old
government, with nary a nigger.

"But all this is no excoose for talkin bald noncents. Yoo old ass," sed
he, addressin Genral McStinger, "yoo talk uv wat yoo will do, and what
yoo wont. Hevent you diskivered that yoo are whipped? Hevent you found
out that yoo are subjoogated? Are yoo back into the Yoonyun uv your own
free will and akkord? Hevent yoo got a pardon in yoor pockit, which
dockyment is all that saves yoor neck from stretchin hemp? Why do yoo
talk uv wat South karliny will and wont do? Good Lord! I recollect about
a year since South karliny would _never_ permit her soil 2 be pollutid
by Yankee hirelins, yit Sherman marched all over it with a few uv em,
and skarcly a gun was fired at em. So too I recollect that that sed
State, wich wuz agoin to whip the entire North, and wich wood, ef
overpowered, submit gracefully and with dignity to annihilation, and
sich, wuz the first to, git down on her marrow bones, and beg for peace
like a dorg. Ef yoo intend this talk for the purpose uv skarin the
North, beleeve me when I say that the North aint so easy skared ez it
wuz. Ef its intendid for home consumption, consider me the people. Ive
heard it before, and I'll take no more uv it until my stumick settles.
It makes me puke. The fact is we are whipped, and hev got to do the best
we kin. We are a goin to pay the Federal debt, and aint goin to pay the
confederet debt. Davis will be hung, and serve him rite. States rites is
dead, and slavery is abolished, and with it shivelry; and its my opinion
the South is a d----d sight better off without either of em. I kin
sware, now, after livin outside uv the shadder uv the flag 4 yeres, that
I love it! You bet I do. I carry a small one in my coat pocket. I hev a
middlin sized one waved by my youngest boy over the family when at
prayers, and a whalin big one wavin over my house all the time. I hev
diskivered that its a good thing to live under, and when sich cusses as
yoo talk uv what yoo will and wont do under it, I bile. Go home, yoo
cusses, go home! Yoo, South, and pullin orf your coat, go to work,
thankin God that Johnson's merciful enuff to let yoo go home at all
insted uv hangin yoo up like a dorg, for tryin to bust a Guverment too
good for yoo. Yoo, North, thankful that the men uv sense uv the North
hed the manhood to prevent us from rooinin ourselves by makin sich ez
yoo our niggers. Avaunt!"

And the excited Mr. Maginnis, who is evidently subjoogated, strode out
uv our presence. His intemperit talk cast a chill over our confidencis,
and we dident resoom with the ease and freedom we commenced with, and in
a few minutes we parted. I didn't like him.

                                  PETROLEUM V. NASBY,
                  Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.




III.

A Remarkable Dream.--A Country settled exclusively by Democrats.


                                       WASHINGTON, December 1, 1865.

Last nite I was the victim uv another dream. Ef I don't quit this
explorin the realms of the fucher in my sleep, I shall become a second
Saint John. Ef so, I maik no doubt my revelations will be uv a
remarkably startlin character.

Methawt the Ablishnists had asserted the power we diskivered they
possest, after the late elecshuns, and had gone the whole figger. They
had forced the South into the humiliashen uv allowin niggers to testify,
and in the Northern states had given em the elective franchise. Uv
course the edecated and refined democrasy wood never consent to be
carried up to the polls alongside uv a nigger--uv course no Democratic
offis-seeker wood hoomiliate himself to treatin a nigger afore a
election, it bein a article uv faith with us never to drink with a
nigger, onless he pays for it.

Therefore, bein helpless, and resolvin never to submit, the heft uv the
Democrasy determined to emigrate in a body to some land where the
Anglo-Sackson cood rool,--where there was no mixter of the disgustin
African. Mexico wuz the country chosen, and methawt the entire party, in
one solid column, marched there. Our departure was a ovation. The peeple
on our route wuz all dressed in white, ez a token uv joy, and from every
house hung banners, with inscriptions onto em, sich ez,--

"Now is our hen-roosts safe!"

"Canada on its way to Mexico!"

"Poor Mexico--we bewail thy fate!"

Our march resembled very much that uv the childern uv Isrel. Our noses
wuz the pillers uv fire by nite, and our breath the piller uv smoke by
day.

On our arrival to Mexico, the natives of that country, struck probably
with awe at the majestic and flamin expression uv our countenances,
hastily gathered up their linen, and silver spoons, and hosses, and
sich, and retreated to the mountains. It wuz a kompliment to us that
them ez hadn't ennything remained.

Finally we reached a plain, where we, the modern childern uv Isrel,
decided to remane, and, uv course, the fust thing to do wuz to form a
guvernment.

Methawt Fernandy Wood, uv New York, wuz chosen viva voce, ez President,
and he stept forerd to hev the oath administered to him, wich wuz 2 be
dun by the oldest Justis uv the Peece uv the late stait uv Noo Gersey,
wich hez committed sooicide. Here a new trouble ensood--there wuzn't a
bible to be found in the whole encampment. The difficulty wuz got over
by a New York Alderman yellin out, "Never mind the oath. What's the
yoose uv any oath _he_ takes?" So he wuz declared President.

Prest. Wood then proceeded to organize. He requested sich ez hed held
commissions in the army uv the Yoonited States to step forerd three
paces. Gens. Micklelan, Buel, Fitsjohn Porter, & Slocum stept forerd,
and with em some 4,000, a part uv whom hed held quartermasters'
commissions, and whose accounts,

    "Jest afore the battle, mother,"

didn't balance, but wich alluz did jist after, and others who hed bin
dismist for bein in the rear, when their sooperiors desired to see em in
the front, and who consekently considered it a d----d Ablishun war, wich
they didn't approve uv no how.

Then hevin ascertained the material for officerin his army, he axed all
them who bed bin in the service as privates to step forerd. 20,000
obeyed, and the President asked the fust one where he enlisted, who
ansered ez follows:--

    "At Noo York, April 12, 1864, bounty $1,000;
     and at Philadelphia, April 14, 1864, bounty $700;
     and at Pittsburgh, April 16, 1864, bounty $800;
     and at Cincernati, April 19, 1864, bounty $400;
     and at--"

"Enough," said Fernandy, and glancin down the line, and seein all the
faces were uv the same style and expression, he asked no more uv em any
questions.

Remarkin that it wuz well enough to establish a church, he desired all
who were ministers uv the Gospel to step forerd. 21 stept out and
desired to explain. They cood not say that they were just now in full
connexion with any church. They hed bin, but their unconstooshnel
Ablishin Synods and conferences hed accoosed em uv irregularities in
hoss tradin, and various other irregularities, and suspended em, and
silenced em and sich, becoz they were Democrats, but--

The President shrugged his sholders, and asked all who cood read to step
out. About one-half answered, and then he requestid sich uv this number
ez cood be prevaled upon to accept a small office, and who bleeved
theirselves fit, to step out agin, and to my unutterable horror and
consternation, every one but five stepped out ez brisk ez so many bees.
Immejitly there wuz an uproar. Them ez coodent read swore vociferously
that there wuz nothin fair about _that_ arrangement. They never knowd
that a man wuz obliged to be able to read to hold office in the
Democratic party, and they'd never stand that, and they all stepped out.

Finally it wuz decided that a election should be held at some fucher
time.

The next step wuz to divide em up into employments. The President
requested them ez preferred to foller mekanikle employments to step out:
Sum thirty advanced. Them ez preferred farmin: About fifty stept out.
Them ez expected to run small groceries:

There wuz a sound like the rush uv many waters. Ninety-eight per cent,
uv all--ceptin the officers and preachers--sprung to the front, but when
they saw ther strength, their faces turned white. "Good Lord!" whispered
they; "we can't make a livin out uv the remainin two per cent. and the
officers and preachers!"

The mass then demanded a division uv the property, that all mite start
alike, but upon takin a inventory, it wuz found not wuth while to bother
about a division.

Then they commenced murmurin, and sed wun to another, "Oh for the flesh
pots uv the Egypt we left!" "I cood, at hum, live off my Ablishn
nabers." "There wuz rich men in our ward, but ez we hed the majority,
_they_ paid taxes, which _we_ spent!" "Ablishnists is pizen, but it is
well enough to hev enough uv em to tax!" and ez wun man, they resolved
to return, and the confusion that resulted from the breakin up awoke me.

There is onquestionably a moral in the vision. Ez often ez I hev syed
for perpetual Democratic majorities, I hev sumtimes, when our party wuz
successful, and bid fair to be so permanently, wondered what we would do
with the Treasury ef we didn't lose the offices occasionally, so ez to
hev the other party nurse it into pickin condition for us.

I don't think I shood like to live in a unanimous Dimocratic community.

                                  PETROLEUM V. NASBY,
                  Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.




IV.

A Change of Base--Kentucky.--A Sermon which was interrupted by a
Subjugated and Subdued Confederate.


                                                  CONFEDRIT × ROADS
                                  (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky),
                                                   December 9, 1865.

Here in the grate Stait uv Kentucky, the last hope uv Democrisy, I hev
pitched my tent, and here I propose to lay these old bones when Deth,
who has a mortgage onto all uv us, shall see fit to 4close. I didn't
like to leave Washinton. I luv it for its memories. Here stands the
Capitol where the President makes his appintments; there is the Post
Offis Department, where all the Postmasters is appinted. Here it was
that Jaxon rooled. I hed a respex for Jaxon. I can't say I luved him,
for he never yoosed us rite. He hated the Whigs ez bad ez we did, but
after we beat em and elevated him to the Presidency, the stealins didn't
come in ez fast ez we expected. Never shel I forgit the compliment he
paid me. Jest after his election I presented myself afore him with my
papers, an applicant for a place. He read em, and scanned me with a
critic's eye.

"Can't yoo make yoose uv sich a man ez me?" sez I, inquirinly.

"Certinly," sez he; "I kin and alluz hev. Its sich ez yoo I use to beet
the whigs with, and I am continyooally astonished to see how much work I
accomplish with sich dirty tools. My dear sir," sed he, pintin to the
door, "when I realize how many sich cusses ez yoo there is, and how
cheap they kin be bought up, I really tremble for the Republic."

I didn't get the office I wantid.

Yet ez much ez I love Washinton, I wuz forced to leave it. I mite hev
stayed there, but the trooth is, the planks uv that city and the
pavements are harder, and worse to sleep on, than those uv any other
city in the Yoonited Staits. I hed lived two months by passin myself off
ez Dimekratic Congressmen, but that cood only last a short time, there
not bein many uv that persuasion here to personate. I had gone the
rounds uv the House ez often ez it wuz safe, and one nite commenced on
the Senit. Goin into Willard's, I called for a go uv gin, wich the
gentlemanly and urbane bar keeper sot afore me, and I drank. "Put it
down with the rest uv mine," sez I, with a impressive wave uv the hand.

"Yoor name?" sez he.

Assoomin a intellectual look, I retorted, "Do you know Charles Sumner?"

[Illustration: DO YOU KNOW CHARLES SUMNER?]

Here I overdid it; here vaultin ambition o'er-leaped herself. Hed I sed
"Saulsbury," it mite have ansered, but to give Sumner's name for a drink
uv gin wuz a peece uv lunacy for wich I kan't account. I wuz
ignominiously kicked into the street. Drinks obtained at the expense uv
bein kicked is cheep, but I don't want em on them terms; my pride
revolted, and so I emigrated. The gentlemanly and urbane conductors uv
the Pennsylvania Central passed me over their road. They did it with the
assistance uv two gentlemanly and urbane brakesmen, wich dropped me
tenderly across the track, out uv the hind eend uv the last car.

I found here a church buildin, uv wich the congregation had bin mostly
killed in bushwhackin expeditions, and announsin myself ez a
constooshnel preacher from Noo Gersey, succeeded in drawin together a
highly respectable awjience last Sunday.

Takin for a text the passage, "The wagis uv sin is death," I opened out
ez follows:--

"Wat is sin? Sin, my beloved hearers, is any deviashen from yer normal
condishen. Yoor beloved pastor hez a stumick and a head, wich is in
close sympathy with each other, so much so, indeed, that the principal
biznis uv the head is to fill the stumick, and mighty close work its
been for many years, yoo bet. Let yoor beloved pastor drink, uv a nite,
a quart or two more than his yoosual allowance, more than his stumick
absolootely demands, and his head swells with indignashen. The excess is
sin, and the ache is the penalty.

"The wagis uv sin is death! Punishment and sin is ez unseperable ez the
shadder is from the man--one is ez shoor to foller the other ez the
assessor is to kum around--ez nite is to foller day. The Dimekratic
party, uv wich I am a ornament, hez experienced the trooth uv this text.
When Douglas switched off, he sinned, and ez a consekence, Linkin wuz
elected, and the Sceptre departed from Israel. When--"

At this pint in the discourse, a old man in the back part uv the house
ariz and interrupted me. He sed he hed a word to say on that subjick
which must be sed, and ef I interrupted him till he got through he'd
punch my hed; whereupon I let him go on.

"Trooly," sez he, "the wages of sin is deth. I hev alluz bin a Dimecrat.
The old Dimocracy hez bin in the service uv sin for thirty years, and
the assortment uv death it hez received for wages is trooly surprisin.
Never did a party commence better. Jaxon wus a honist man, who knew that
righteousnis wuz the nashun's best holt. But he died, and a host uv
tuppenny politicians, with his great name for capital, jumped into his
old clothes, an undertook to run the party. Ef the Dimocracy coold hev
elected a honist man every fourth or fifth term, they mite hev ground
along for a longer period, but alars! Jaxon wuz the last of that style
we hed, and so many dishonist cusses wuz then in the Capital that his
ghost coodent watch the half uv them.

"The fust installment uv deth we reseeved wuz when Harrison beet us. The
old pollytishens in our party didn't mind it, for, sez they, 'The
Treasurey woodent hev bin wuth mutch to us ennyhow after the suckin it
has experienced for 12 years; it needs 4 years uv rest.' We elected
Poke, and here it wuz that Sin got a complete hold uv us. Anshent
compacts made with the devil wuz alluz ritten in blud. We made a
contract with Calhoonism, and that wuz ritten in blud wich wuz shed in
Mexico. Here we sold ourselves out, boots and britches, to the cotton
Democricy, and don't our history ever sence prove the trooth uv the
text, 'The wages uv sin is deth?' O, my frends! in wat hevy
installments, and how regularly, hez these wages bin pade us.

"Our men uv character commenst leavin us. Silas Write kicked out, and
wood hev gone over agin us hed he not fortunately died too soon, and
skores uv uthers followed soot. Things went on until Peerse wuz elected.
The Devil (wich is cotton), whom we wuz servin, brot Kansas into the
ring, and wat a skatterin ensood.

"Agin, the men uv character got out, and gradually but shoorly the work
uv deth went on. Bookannon wuz elected, but wuz uv no yoose to us. After
Peerse hed run the machine four yeers, wat wuz there left? Eko ansers.
Anuther siftin follered, and the old party wich wunst boasted a Jaxon
hed got down to a Vallandigum. The Devil, to wich we hed sold ourselves,
wood not let us off with this, however. 'The wages uv sin is deth,' and
we hed not reseeved full pay ez yet. He instigated South Karliny to
rebel; he indoosed the other Democratic States to foller; he forced the
Northern Democrisy to support em, and so on. That wuz the final stroke.
Dickinson, and Cass, and Dix, and Todd, and Logan, all left us, and wun
by wun the galaxy uv Northern stars disappeared from the Democratic
firmament, leaving Noo Gersey alone, and last fall, my brethrin, she sot
in gloom.

"Oh, how true it is! We served sin faithfully, and where are we? We went
to war for slavery, and slavery is dead. We fit for a confederacy, and
the confederacy is dead. We fit for States Rites, and States Rites is
dead. And Democracy tied herself to all these corpses, and they hev
stunk her to death.

"Kentucky went heavy into the sin biznis, and whar is Kentucky? We sent
our men to the confedrit army, and none uv em cum back, ceptin the
skulkers, who comprised all uv that class wich we wood hev bin glad to
hev killed. Linkin wantid to hev us free our niggers, and be compensatid
for em. We held on to the sin uv niggers, and now they are taken from us
with nary a compensate. In short, whatever uv good the Devil promised us
in pollytix hez resulted in evil. My niggers is gone, my plantashen here
hez fed alternately both armies, ez they cavorted backerds and forrerds
through the Stait, my house and barns wuz burnt, and all I hev to show
for my property is Confedrit munny, which is a very dead article uv
death. I know not what the venerable old sucker in the pulpit wuz a goin
to say, but ef he kin look over this section uv the heritage, and cant
preach a elokent sermon on that text, he aint much on the preach. I'm
dun."

Uv coarse, after a ebulition of this kind, I cooldn't go on. I dismist
the awdience with a benedickshun, hopin to get em together when sich
prejudiced men aint present.

                                  PETROLEUM V. NASBY,
                  Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.




V.

The Effect the Proclamation of Secretary Seward produced in Kentucky.


                                                  CONFEDRIT × ROADS
                                  (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky),
                                                  December 20, 1865.

At last! The deed is dun! The tiranikle government which hez sway at
Washington hez finelly extinguished the last glimerin flicker uv
Liberty, by abolishin slavery! The sun didn't go down in gloom that
nite--the stars didn't fade in2 a sickly yeller, at wich obstinacy uv
nachur I wuz considably astonished.

I got the news at the Post Offis (near wich I am at present stayin, at
the house uv a venerable old planter, who accepts my improvin
conversation and a occasional promise, wich is cheap, ez equivalent for
board). Sadly I wendid my way to his peaceful home, dreadin to fling
over that house the pall uv despair. After supper I broke to em ez
gently ez I cood the intelligence that three-fourths uv the States hed
ratified the constooshnel amendment--that Seward had ishood his
proclamation, and that all the Niggers wuz free!

Never did I see sich sorrer depicted on human countenance--never wuz
there despair uv sich depth. All nite long the bereaved inmates uv that
wunst happy but now distracted home wept and waled in agony wich wuz
perfectly heart rendin.

"Wo is me," sobbed the old man, wringin his hands.

"John Brown's karkis hangs a danglin in the air, but his sole is marchin
on.

"It took posseshun of Seward, and thro his ugly mouth it spoke the words
'the nigger is free,' and there is no more a slave in all the land.

"Wunst I hed a hundred niggers, and the men were fat and healthy, and
the wenches wuz strong, and sum uv em wuz fair to look upon.

"They worked in my house, and my fields, from the rising uv the sun to
the goin down uv the same.

"Wuz they lazy? I catted them till they wuz cured thereof; for lo! they
wuz ez a child under my care.

"Did they run away? From Kentucky they run North, and lo! the Locofoco
Marshals caught them for me, and brought them back, and delivered them
into my hand, without cost, sayin, lo! here is thy nigger--do with him
ez thou wilt (wich I alluz did), wich is cheeper than keepin dogs, and
jest as good.

"Solomon wuz wise, for he hed uv konkebines a suffishensy, but we wuz
wiser in our day than him.

"For he hed to feed his children, and it kost him shekels uv gold and
shekels uv silver, and much corn and oil.

"We hed our konkebines with ez great a muchness ez Solomon, but we sold
their children for silver, and gold, and red-dog paper."

And all nite long the bereaved old patriarch, who hed alluz bin a father
to his servants (and a grandfather to menny uv em) poured out his
lamentations.

In the mornin the niggers wuz called up, and ez they all hed their koats
on, and hed bundles, I spect they must hev heard the news. The old
gentleman explained the situation to em.

"Yoo will," sed he, "stay in yoor happy homes--you will alluz continue
to live here, and work here, ez yoo hev alluz dun!"

The niggers all in korious, with a remarkable unanimity, remarkt that ef
they hed ever bin introdoost to theirselves, they thought they woodent.
In fact, they hed congregated at that time for the purpose uv startin
life on their own hook.

[Illustration: EFFECT OF THE EMANCIPATION PROCLAMATION IN KENTUCKY.]

A paroxysm uv pain and anguish shot over the old man's face. Nearest to
him stood a octoroon, who, hed she not bin tainted with the accurst
blood uv Ham, wood hev bin considered beautiful. Fallin on her neck, the
old patriarch, with teers a streamin down his furrowd cheeks,
ejackilated,--

"Farewell, Looizer, my daughter, farewell! I loved yoor mother ez never
man loved nigger. She wuz the solace uv my leisure hours--the companion
uv my yooth. She I sold to pay orf a mortgage on the place--she and yoor
older sisters. Farewell! I hed hoped to hev sold yoo this winter (for
yoo are still young), and bought out Jinkins; but wo is me! Curses on
the tirent who thus severs all the tender ties uv nachur. Oh! it is hard
for father to part with child, even when the market's high; but, Oh God!
to part thus--"

And the old gentleman, in a excess uv greef, swoonded away genteely.

His son Tom hed bin caressin her two little children, who wuz a half
whiter than she wuz. Unable to restrain hisself, he fell on her neck,
and bemoaned his fate with tetchin pathos.

"Farewell, farewell, mother uv my children! Farewell faro, and hosses,
and shampane--a long farewell! Your increase wuz my perquisites, and I
sold em to supply my needs. Hed you died, I cood hev bin resigned; for
when dead you ain't wuth a copper; but to see yoo torn away livin, &
wuth $2,000 in enny market--it's too much, it's too much!"

And he fainted, fallin across the old man.

"Who'll do the work about the house?" shreekt the old lady, faintin and
fallin across Tom.

"Who'll dress us, and wash us, and wait on us?" shreekt the three
daughters, swoonding away, and fallin across the old woman.

My first impulse wuz to faint away myself, and fall across the three
daughters; but I restraned myself, and wuz contented with strikin a
attitood and organizin a tablo. Hustlin the niggers away with a burnin
cuss for their ingratitood, I spent the balance uv the forenoon in
bringin on em too. Wun by wun they became conshus; but they wuz not
theirselves. Their minds wuz evidently shattered; they wuz carryin a
heavy heart in their buzzums.

Wood, Oh! wood that Seward cood hev seen that groop! Sich misery does
Ablishinism bring in its trane--sich horrers follers a departure from
Dimikratic teechins. When will reason return to the people? Eko answers,
When?

                                  PETROLEUM V. NASBY,
                  Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.




VI.

A Conversation with a Loyal Kentuckian, who had Faith in the final
Triumph of Democracy.


                                                  CONFEDRIT × ROADS
                                  (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky),
                                                    January 6, 1866.

I see a lite. Democricy is not that dead karkis its enemies hoped for
and its friends feared. My noomerious friends here insisted that ez I
wuz growin into the seer and yaller leaf, I shood abandon Dimocrisy, and
flote with the current. I cant. Ez troo ez the needle to the pole, so am
I to Dimocrisy. Young wimmin flock to marryins, middle-aged ones to
bornins, and old ones to buryins, which shows concloosively to the most
limited intelleck wat the mind uv each class runs upon. So it is with
me. To me Dimocrisy is wife, mother, and child.

I hev diskivered many things sense I hev bin in Kentucky--things wich
elevated my deprest heart ez yeast does dough, wich filled my shrunken
soul ez wind does a bladder.

The people uv Kentucky wuz all loyal. Doorin the horrible fratrisidle
war wich hez rent the proud temple uv liberty into twain, they preserved
a strict nootrality. I hed a conversation with wun old patriarch, who
asshoored me that he hed never taken sides.

Upon his honor, he asshoored me that, after battles, he rifled the
corpses uv both armies, impartially. "Cood any boddy be more nootraller
than that?" he asked. "My sons," sed he, "wuz in the confedrit army.
This fact wood hev turned the affections uv a week-minded man in that
direction; but when I thot uv the boys, I alluz thot also uv that
gellorious star-spangled banner, under wich I hed whipped my niggers and
sold their children; under whose shadder I hed men servants, and made
servants, and home-made servants born unto me. That banner hed bin my
shield. Ef my niggers run off, who so prompt in their pursoot ez the
Democratic marshals, wich alluz returned em to me ef it wuz possible?
The instooshun wuz guaranteed to me by solemn compermises, wich we cood
hev ez often ez we desired. Compermises wuz our best holt. Whenever we
wanted anything, all we hed to do wuz to ask for it. The Ablishinists
wood object, the Dimocrisy wood draw up a compermise, wich inklooded, ez
a rool, twice or 3 times wat we asked, and pass it to save the Union.
Sich a Union wuz worth havin, and I opposed all efforts to dissolute it.
Hed the South succeeded, I shood hev gone with em; for Kentucky
alone--the only nigger State in the North--wood hev bin helpless.
Scaldin tears hev I shed when contemplatin the horrors uv war; but I
cood do nothin to avert it. Kentucky wuz loyal, but nootral."

I find down here that the loyal citizens uv Kentucky who hev returned
from the confedrit service are not at all discouraged; on the contrary,
they are hopeful. Sed one to me (I bleeve he wuz a Kernel under Gen.
Forest; indeed, I think he told me he participated in the glorious
victory at Fort Piller),--

"Why art thou cast down? Things is workin eggsackly to our hand."

In a mournful tone, I retorted that I failed to perseeve it.

"I kin," sez he. "Lookye, my venerable friend. Is the Northern Dimocrisy
still troo?"

"They is," I replied, "wat few remains. But, alas! war, crool war, hez
decimated our ranks five times."

"How so?" sez he. "None uv your kind uv Democrats jined in this unholy
croosade, and fell afore our deth-deelin swords--did they?"

"Not any," sez I; "but Kanady and Montana took em afore each draft. That
wuz why we wuz so beet at the eleckshuns. For one week-kneed Ablishinist
we scared into our ranks, we lost two by emigration; and, unfortunitly,
wun half that emigrated starved to deth, and tother half is distribbited
in the various States prisons in them lands uv refuge."

"Still," sez he, "it matters not. Yoo hev deestricks yoo kin carry in
most uv the States. The Five Points deestrick, in Noo York, is ours. Noo
Gersey will go back to her allegiance. The new gold States, where so
menny uv our friends fled, will send up Democrats to Congress. Ohio hez
2 devoted to us, Pennsylvany hez several, and the most uv the Northern
States will send one or two; and them from the North kin be depended on
to go any measure we say. Then"--and he slapped me on the back
highlariously--"the niggers is free!"

"Well?" sez I, not seem wat cause for highlarity that wuz.

"Well," sez he, "them niggers is not now OTHER PERSONS! We alluz counted
five uv em for three in making up the Congressers we wuz entitled to;
now they count as white men, wich increases our delegashuns to sich an
extent that ef yoo Northern men do half yoor dooty, we'll hev a majority
in Congress. Then, good Lord! the pleasant crack uv the whip shel agin
be heard on the plains uv the sunny South. The niggers wont be
re-enslaved; but our Legislaters will speedily redoose em to their
normal condishun. We shell observe the Constitushnel Amendment strickly
and in good faith. The Afrikin shel be free; but the good uv society
demands that he shel be under proper guardianship. He wont be allowed to
change his location; and the laws uv the States will define his dooties,
and give us the power uv enforcin em. He wont be allowed to hev arms, so
he can't resist. Ez he can't leave a plantation, he will hev to submit
quietly to sich rools ez the high-minded planter makes for him, or be
shot on the spot, or turned out to die uv starvashun, akording to
circumstances. Ef the planter is a unrejenerated child uv damnashun, he
will shoot him; ef he is a saint, who hez a southern hope uv a blessed
immortality beyond the grave, he'll restrane his anger, and turn him out
to die uv hunger, onless he repents, and comes back humble. Then, they
bein free and responsible for theirselves, we ain't obleeged to take
care uv the sick, the aged, or the infirm, so it will be really better
than it wuz before. I see a gellorious future afore us. Thro the thick
clouds uv gloom the brite sun uv hope cheerinly breaks. Say to the
Northern Dimocrisy, be uv good cheer. Agin they shel lick our hands;
agin they shel eat the crumbs that fall from the National table.

"Thank God for the Northern Dimocrisy, with the other blessins He has
given the South. With niggers to do our manual labor for nothing, with
Northern Democrats to do our votin at almost the same price, we are
trooly a favored people. Bless the Lord for the nigger and the Democrat,
wich is both useful to us, each in his speer!"

I drew encouragement from his remarks. The deep vane uv pious
thankfulness wich run through his discourse was nateral to him. He is a
trooly pious man, and wuz just back frum the meetin uv the Synod uv one
uv the Southern churches, wich still persists in quotin Onesimus and
Hayger. I feel encouraged. O, Dimmycrats uv the North, let us

  "Our vigger renoo,
   And our journey pursoo,"

and I feel shoor that success will at last crown our efforts.

                                  PETROLEUM V. NASBY,
                  Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.




VII.

A Vision.--Celebration of the Anniversary of the Taking of New
Orleans.--In the Vision the Spirit of Andrew Jackson appears, and
discourses of Various Things.


                                                  CONFEDRIT × ROADS
                                  (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky),
                                                   January 12, 1866.

We had sort uv a celebrashun uv the 8th day uv Janooary at the Corners
last nite. My meetin house wuz gorgeously decorated for the occashun;
the walls bein hung with confedrit battle flags, and on the corners of
the pulpit wuz placed two skulls uv Yankees, picked up at Andersonville
by one of the guards, who is now a loyal citizen uv this State, residin
at this pint. These skulls wuz illuminated by placin a taller candle
inside uv each uv em. The effect wuz inspirin. The guard who contributed
em, is, I need not say, a conservative Democrat, and in the matter uv
swearing at Ablishnists he displays more talent, and hez a more
comprehensive range uv oaths, than any man I ever knowed. The church wuz
also decorated with mottoes, furnished by myself and others, uv wich the
followin is some uv em:--

"The Yoonyun ez it wuz--under Bookanan."

"The noble dead uv Kentucky--them ez fell pintin their guns north we'll
alluz remember."

"Our returned soljers--beaten, but not conkered."

"Niggers and northern Dimocrisey--we've lost the first; thank God, the
latter is ours forever."

I hevn't time nor space to give, in full, the perceedins uv the evenin.
Suffice it to say, at 12, precisely, the company broke up, and sich uv
em ez were able, departed. I remained. There wuz suthin in the
refreshments wich indoost me to stay; in fact, I coodn't conveniently
get out from under the table, where I hed fallen.

While peacefully sleepin the sleep uv innosence, my unfettered sole went
orf on a explorin expedishen into the land uv dreams, and I dreamed.

Methawt that we wuz celebratin the anniversary uv the battle uv Noo
Orleans, on a heavier skale than the wun just closed. We hed, at our
festive board, all the grate lites uv Dimocrisy. There wuz Fernandy Wood
and his brother Ben, and Dan Voorhes, and the grate Valandigum and Frank
Peerce, and Bookanon hed consented to emerge from his saint-like
retirement, and meet with us. The South wuz represented by sich noble
Dimocrats ez Yancy, and Toombs, and Wigfall; in short, it wuz a
reyoonyun uv old-time Dimocrats, met not only to honor the memry uv
Jackson, but to consult ez to the best method uv savin the yoonyun from
the rox uv Abolishun onto wich it seems now to be driftin.

The gileless Bookanon wuz President uv the evenin, and Breckinridge Vice
President, and toasts wuz drank ez follows:--

"The ancient Dimocrisy--troo to the country, ez long ez there is an
office to be filled."

Response by Fernandy Wood.

"The President uv the evenin--the last Dimocratic President uv the
Yoonited States."

Mr Bookanan rose to respond, but he wuz overkum, and sank back, his eyes
suffoozed with tears. In a voice broken with emoshun, he intimated that
he wuz in daily expectation uv bein translated, ez Elijer wuz, in a
barouche with two white hosses. "White," he repeated; "for ef the team
is black, I won't go; I'll die the nateral way fust." "My frends," sed
he, "keep my mantle out uv the hands uv the Jews. Wher is the Elisha
who'll wear it?"

"The yoonun ez it wuz, the constooshun ez it is, and the nigger where he
ought to be."

Response by Breckinridge, who sed he hed bin four years fightin the
battles uv the Dimocrisy, whose prinsiples wuz happily set forth in the
sentiment. Beeten in the field, we must fight it out at the ballot-box.
_Nil despritrando_ must be the motto uv the Dimocrisy.

"Androo Jaxon, the--"

As thus much uv the toast wuz read, there wuz a clap uv thunder heard,
wich shook the buildin, and made not only the windows rattle, but the
glasses to dance on the table, and the gost uv Androo Jaxson hisself, in
the uniform uv 1812, come down through the ceelin. There wuz a frown on
his countenance, terrible to behold. Turnin to the company, he remarked
that the gate-keeper uv hell must hev slept at his post, for out uv no
other Depository cood there be gathered so many villianous countenances.
"I perpose," sed he, "to respond to this sentiment myself." The Woods
slid out uv their seets, under the table; Breckinridge sneaked out uv
the church; Vallandigham, with his natural impudence, tried to face it
out, but one look from Androo J. finished him, and he slid, and
Bookannon tried to git out, but Androo caught him by the collar, and
held him.

"I hev suthin to say to yoo. The chair yoo wunst disgraced, I okkepied,
called to it, ez yoo wuz, by the voice uv the peeple. I swore to
preserve the constitooshen and the yoonyun, and so did yoo. I did it,
and yoo didn't. When South Carliny undertook to nullify, I bustid the
arrangement, becoz I didn't propose to hev the yoonyun I fought for in
two wars go down to death, when a particle uv pluck, put in at the right
time, cood save it. Yoo mite hev dun the same, but yoo woodent. Yoo took
the seat for the purpose of bustin it; for one term of the Presidency
yoo agreed to destroy the Government.

"What are yoo here for?" shouted the gost in a terribly sepulkral tone,
and a stampin his feet and grittin his teeth. "To celebrate the battle
uv Noo Orleans? Yoo stole the livery uv Jaxon to serve Calhoon in. Under
the shadder uv my name, yoor dooing deeds wich, ef I wuz in the flesh,
I'd hang yoo for. How I wished, in '60 and '61, I cood revisit the
earth. I'd hev histed yoo out uv the seat yoo disgraced, and never hev
let Linkin hed the credit uv puttin down a rebellion. It wood hev bin
lively for some uv yoo. I'd hev ornamented the trees with your karkises;
the Southern buzzards wood hev grown fat on secesh korpses.

"Go back, yoo idiots--go back to your first love. Get the wool out uv
your teeth, and try to think more uv your country than yoo do uv a
yaller girl. Yoo kin yit repent. A. Johnson, whose initials is the same
ez mine, runs over with mercy, or he wood hev hung the half uv yoo.
Repent and be saved. There is a slite chance for yoo yit. The dyin theef
wuz pardoned on the cross, wich ought to be encouragin to yoo, for yoo
hev longer time left in wich to repent, and the Lord knows yoo need it.
But ef yoo will go on in yer iniquity, do it on yoor own hook. Don't
take my name in vain no more. I hevn't nothin in common with yoo, nor
never had. Yoo yoosed to follow me, the same ez a drove uv jackals alluz
follers a lion, to devour the hides, and bones, and offal that he
despises. The lion hez gone hentz, and yoor takin his skin, and are
trying to imitate his roar. The skin hangs loose upon yoo, and the roar
is a miserable squeak. Never let me hear of yoor celebratin any more uv
my doins. I go."

And in another clap of thunder, the gost ascendid through the roof agin.

I awoke. A cold sweat wuz a standin on my intellectooal brow, and a
mortal shiverin shook me. I wuz alone in the church, under the table
where I originally fell, and around me wuz skattered, in confusion, the
remnant uv the feast. I thot to myself, ef sich wuz the effect uv a
dream uv the gost Jaxon, wat wood ensoo ef he shood be raised from the
dead, and visit the Dimocrisy in the flesh. Then wood my prayer be
continooally, "Good Lord, deliver us."

                                  PETROLEUM V. NASBY,
                  Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.




VIII.

A Plan suggested for the Up-building of the Democracy.--The Idea not
New, but one which the Leaders of the Fierce Democracy have acted upon
from the Beginning.


                                                  CONFEDRIT × ROADS
                                  (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky),
                                                   January 27, 1866.

Halleloogy! halleloogy! halleloogy! I see a lite! It beams onto me! It
penetrates me! It fills me! Goy to the world!

I hev diskivered the cause uv the decline uv the Dimocrisy. I seed it
yisterday. I wuz a wanderin on the neighborin hills, a musin onto the
cussednis uv humanity ez exemplified in the person uv the grocery keeper
at the Corners, who unanimusly refoozed to give me further credit for
corn whisky, wich is the article they yoose in this country to pizen
theirselves with. He asshoored me that he hed the utmost regard for my
many virtues; but he diskivered that the one he prized the most I hedn't
so many uv, to wit, that uv payin for my likker. Therefore the account
mite be considered closed. Then, for the fust time in my life, I bleeved
in total depravity.

While musin, in a melonkoly mood, on this dark cloud wich fell across my
pathway, and the fall uv the Dimocratic party, I came onto a party of
men borin for ile. Then the trooth flashed over me. Their operations
showed me the way to success--the shoor path to triumph.

"When," said I to myself, "when men seek gain they bore for it. They go
down--never up." Even so with the Dimocrisy. We dug downward, downward,
downward, through all the strata uv society. We went through the
groceries; the next stratum was the most ignorant uv the furiners; then
we struck the poor whites uv the South; then, below them, the heft uv
the people uv Noo Gersy; then Southern Illinoy and Indiana; then Pike
county, Missouri; and so on. We never went upward for converts, cause
'twant no use. When a man wanted to jine us he alluz hed to come down.
We got lots of converts.

There was a regular slidin scale, which the heft uv Democrats who wuznt
born in the party hev slid down; to wit:--

Quarter dollar smiles.

15 cent nips.

10 cent drinks.

5 cent sucks.

A flat flask conceeled.

A bottle openly.

Dimocrisy.

We lost our hold for two reasons. First, the poor likker we hev now
kills off our voters too fast; and the tax on whiskey forced two thirds
uv our people to quit suckin, and ez soon ez they begun to git on their
feet they jined the Ablishnists. Secondly, our leaders spozed there wuz
no lower stratum to dig into, and give up in disgust.

But I hev deskivered that lower stratum--I hev found it; and when the
idea flashed over my Websterian intelleck, I shouted Halleloogy! The
nigger is the lower stratum; and ef we bore down to it, and work it
thoroughly, we hev, at least, a twenty years' lease uv power.

We must cultivate the nigger. HE MUST HEV THE SUFFRAGE! It is a burnin
shame, that, in this Nineteenth Sentry, in the full blaze uv
intelligence, livin under a Deklarashun which declares all men "free and
ekal," that a large body uv men shood be denied the glorius privilege uv
bein taken up to the poles and voted. Is not the Afrikin a man? Is he
not taxed ez we are, and more than most uv the Democrisy, for many uv em
own property? Is he not amenable to all the laws, even ez we is? Then
why, I triumphantly ask, is he not entitled to a vote? Ah! why, indeed?

"But this is Ablishnism!" methinks I hear a obtoose Dimocrisy observe in
horrer. "And why give them votes who will use em agin us?"

My gentle friend, _will_ they use their ballot agin us? Ef I know
myself, I think not. Kin they read? Kin they write? Aint the bulk uv em
rather degraded and low than otherwise? Methinks. Aint that the kind uv
stock we want, and the kind wich hez alluz set us up? Readin hez alluz
bin agin us. Every skool master is a engine uv Ablishnism; every
noosepaper is a cuss. General Wise, uv Virginia, when he thanked God
there wuzn't a noosepaper in his deestrick, hed reason to; for do yoo
spoze a readin constitooency wood hev ever kept sich a blatherskite ez
him in Congress year after year?

Then, agin, the Constooshnal Amendment will pass, givin representashen
to voters alone. The Democratic States will hev more members uv Congress
and more electoral votes than afore the war; and them States we kin
depend on.

But my skeem is still more comprehensive. Them niggers ain't needed in
the South. We'll send em North. A few thousand will overbalance the
Ablishun majority in Noo Gersey; fifty thousand will bring Ohio back to
the fold; the same number will do for New York and Pennsylvany, and the
country is saved--we will be able to elect the President. Thus the pit
the Ablishnist dug for us he'll fall into hisself; the club he cut for
us will break his own head.

Honey hez kum out uv the carcass; good hez perceded from Nazareth. The
nigger smells sweeter to me now than Nite bloomin Serious; he is more
precious to me than gold, or silver, or preshus stones. He is the way,
and I shel walk in it. He shel lift me into a Post orifis. We must give
our Afrikin brother,--for is he not a man and a brother?--not only the
suffrage, but he must hev land, and the Democracy must give it to him. I
want Garrit Davis to instantly interdoose a bill into the Senit givin
each family a quarter section uv land, a pair uv mules, and a cook
stove; and each female Afrikin brother two flarin calico dresses and a
red bonnet. I want him to advocate the bill in a speech uv not more than
two hours, so that it will stand some chance uv passin. On second
thought, I guess some other man hed better interdoose the bill, as the
Sennit hez got into sich a habit uv votin down everything he proposes,
that they'd slather this without considerin it, on jineral principles.

Then we've got em. Work ez hard ez they may at it, it'll take twenty
years afore the Ablishinists kin edjukate em up to the standard uv votin
their tikkit; and even that time won't do it if we kin git the tax taken
off uv whiskey, so that we kin afford to use it ez in the happy days uv
yore.

Goyusly I went home to lay the foundashun uv the new temple uv
Dimocrisy. I slept that nite atween two niggers, and hev bin shakin
hands and enquirin after the health uv the families uv all I hev met.
Its rather hard for an orthodox Democrat. Sich sudden shifts is rather
wrenchin on the conshence. But what uv that? The Dimocrat who hez
follered the party closely for thirty years ought not to balk at sich a
triflin change ez this, pertiklerly when it promises sich glorious
results.

  "There's a lite about to gleem,
   There's a fount about to streem,
     Wait a little longer!"

                                  PETROLEUM V. NASBY,
                  Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.




IX.

Enjoys a Vision of the Next World, seeing therein many Curious Things,
which are published as a Warning to Politicians.


                                                  CONFEDRIT × ROADS
                                  (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky),
                                                   February 5, 1886.

Last nite I retired to my virtoous couch, at precisely half past eleven,
after eatin a rather light supper for that time uv night. I alluz make
it a pint to eat light in the evenin, for I'm gittin old, and my
digestive faculties ain't what they was when I wuz young. Alas! we who
hev lived out the best part uv our days, wat wood we give to be set back
to the time when, with our faculties unimpaired, we cood consoom a good
square meal without fear uv consekenses! But

  "Them happy days is fled,
   And never will return."

[Illustration: NASBY'S DREAM OF THE FUTURE OF DEMOCRACY.]

I paid my respecks to 2 mince pies, a pair uv pig's feet, some cold
tongue, and a plate uv tripe, follered by a half dozen dough nuts and a
couple or more uv glasses uv hot whisky punch; and singler ez it may
seem, it didn't set well. I dreamed all night, and my dreams wuznt at
all pleasant. Methawt I hed deceest, and wuz in the next world. It was a
singler site that met my vision. The dividin line atween this world and
the next wuz a swift stream uv water, and every deceest spirit hed to
cross it. The water wuz suthin like that uv the Dead Sea. A man,
unencumbered with anything, cood walk on it, but they sunk down in it if
they wuz loaded, accordin to what they hed to carry. On the tother side
uv this Jordan wuz heaven; the dominions uv his majesty Satan the 1st
wuz below, and to it a strong under current flowed, which took all them
ez wuz too heavy loaded to keep their chins above water.

On the bank stood more than two millions uv little devils, who flung
onto the shoulders uv them tryin to cross their failins, and weaknesses,
and iniquities.

General Breckinridge wuz the first that I saw enter the flood. He hed on
a life preserver, labelled "States Rights," but a peert little devil
stuck a pin into it, and it collapsed, the gas with wich it wuz filled
smellin horribly. Down he went, and ez he sunk, they commenced peltin
him with packages labelled "Treason," "Perjury," and "Murder," and John
C. went under.

Old James Buckanon went next. The old gentleman didn't keep above water
as long ez a able bodied man could hold a bar uv red hot iron in his
hand. He made one splash, when a weight labelled "Treason" struck him,
and down he went. The gentlemanly and urbane devil who had him in charge
had a big pile more uv ammunition to discharge at him, but that one wuz
sufficient.

Vallandigham come next. I wuz surprised to see no one make a motion at
him, but he sunk all the same. "We never waste effort," sed Satan to me;
"he carries enough natural cussedness about him, all the time, to sink
him, without pilin any devilment on his shoulders wich is ten days old."

Frank Peerce made his appearance, but declined to enter. He wuz
immediately seezed, and on each leg wuz tied a weight labelled "Kansas,"
and they flung him in. He went down like a shot, and that's the last I
seed uv him.

Garret Davis went in, and to my surprise, passed over safely. Nothin wuz
flung at him, for wich I asked the reason.

"Why," sed Satan, "the poor old man isn't accountable. He commenced to
talk many years ago, and keeps on talkin because he really don't know
when to stop. I could hev sunk him, but the fact is, I woodent endoor
what the Senit uv the Yoonited States hez hed to, for the past few
years, for a dozen uv Tombs lawyers. Besides this, I'm gettin more from
Kentucky now than I am really entitled to. I've a mortgage on two-thirds
uv that State."

Fernandy and Ben Wood come up rather bold, and entered the flood ez
though they were sure uv goin through all right. With a inimitable
chuckle, Satan motioned away the inexperienced devils, and sed, "Leave
em to me," and at Ben he hurled a package uv the New York News, wich
swashed him down instanter. Jest ez Fernandy wuz beginnin to reach the
other shore, he flung onto him an assortment uv weights, labelled
"Lotteries" and "Riots," which took him down to the arm pits, and
finished by tumblin onto him a mass, onto wich wuz written "Mayoralty,"
and down he went; at wich His Majesty drew a sigh uv relief.

Seein the style uv the men who sunk, I remarked unto him,--

"This war hez bin a rather profitable thing for you."

"Nothin to speek uv," sed he. "The leaders uv the Southerners were, sum
uv em, honest, and got through on that account, and the rank and file
were ignorant wretches, who ain't accountable, no how. The leading
copperheads uv the North were mine, anyhow, from the beginnin. Any man
who cood sympathize with the rebels in sich a struggle, must, yoo will
acknowledge, hev hed a long career uv iniquity to fit em for sich a sin.
Why," sed he, "do yoo think I use all the shot I hev? Not any. Them
yoove seen piled on were used because, bein the last, they were on the
top uv the pile.

"Any quantity uv yoor party escaped me. Them fellows who are yet votin
for Jackson I'll never git, and the most uv them ez alluz votes
unscratched tickets will dodge me. Their innocence protects em. It takes
a modritly smart man to be vishus enuff to come to me; he hez to hev
sense enuff to distinguish between good and evil, cussednis enuff to
deliberately choose the latter, and brains enuff to do suthin startlin
in that line. Dan Voorhees, uv Injeany, hez all these qualities
developed to a degree wich excites my profound respect. Between him and
Fernandy Wood its nip and tuck. Fernandy did wicked things with more
neatnis than Voohees, but for a actual love uv doin em Voohees beets the
world. I sed," continued he, "that the war wuzn't uv much yoose to me. I
repeat it; it wuz a damage. Afore the war, I hed my own way, pretty
much, in the Southern States. For every octoroon, I cood count on at
least two planters, and under the patriarkle system uv Afrikin slavery
(wich, by the way, wuz one uv my most brilliant consepshuns), octooroons
multiplied with a rapidity pleasin to behold. But now, alas! the
octooroon bizness is done, and my best holt is gone. I hev some little
hope, however. The Dimocrisy are displayin a vigger I didn't think they
possest. Ef they kin only git strength enuff to elect the next President
and re-establish slavery! The thought fills me with unutterable joy. The
redoosin of the nigger to bondage agin wood give me a clean title to
evry last one who helped to do it, and in gittin em back into their
normal condishun (by the way, that's another phrase uv mine), ther'd be
enuff slaughterin and murders to satisfy several sich Satans ez I am.
I'd help em ef I knowd how, but I can't improve on either their speekers
or writers, and ez long ez men will do my work gratis, I don't see the
yoose uv interferin."

At this pint a couple uv small imps undertook to push me into the
stream, and in the struggle, I awoke. My dreem wuz o'er, but the
impreshun remained. "Kin it be," mused I, pensively, "that we are doin
the devil's work, and are we to be finally rewarded in the manner I saw
in my vision? Ef so, hedn't I better quit and repent?"

But I thought agin, that however it mite be for younger men, it wood be
uv no yoose for me. I hed voted the strait ticket for thirty years, and
the ten or twelve years I hed to live wuz too short a time in which to
repent successfully uv sich iniquity. So I sank into sleep agin, this
time dreemin that I had turned Fenian--hed elected myself Hed Center for
the Stait uv Kentucky, and wuz just investin $75,000 in a magnificent
plantashun.

                                  PETROLEUM V. NASBY,
                  Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.




X.

SONNIT

Onto a Soldier, wich wuz wunst a Dimekrat, but is now a howlin
Ablishnist, wich I saw a limpin about on one Leg, hevin left the other
at Anteetam.


  Bloo-koted monster! thou wentest forth
    Armed with thy rifle and sharp-pinted bayonet,
    Whose peeked eend with Southern blood is wet:
  I hate thee, tool and minyun uv the North!
  Thou wast a Dimekrat: them kote and pants,
    The wavin flag, the gun with peeked eend,
    Turned yoo into a Abolishn feend,
  Who sucked the blood uv Dimekratic saints.
    Monster unnachral! by niggerism hatched,
      Thousands and more uv Dimokrats yoo've slain,
      Who'll never rally to the poles again
    To vote, ez wunst they did, a tikkit all unskratched.
      Avant! the work yoo did our party is undoin:
      To us yoor kote uv bloo is jest bloo rooin!




XI.

The Situation.--The Attempt of the President to wheedle Democrats into
Supporting his Policy without giving them the Offices commented
upon.--The Democracy warned.


                                                  CONFEDRIT × ROADS
                                  (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky),
                                                  February 15, 1866.

I hev had hopes uv Androo Johnson. My waitin sole hez bin centred onto
him for a year back. He wuz the Moses wich I spected wood lead the
Democrisy out uv the desolate Egypt into which we hev bin making bricks
without straw for five long weary and dreary years. O, how I hev yearned
for Johnson! O, how I hev waited, day after day, and week after week,
and month after month, for some manifestation uv Dimocrisy wich is
satisfactory--suthin tangible--suthin that I cood take hold on.

Faith is the substance uv things hoped for, and the evidence of things
not seen; wich is all right so fur ez religion ez concerned, but uv no
account in politix. A friend uv mine, who wuz a monomaniack on the
subjick uv faith, undertook to live on it, under the insane belief that
ef a man had faith pork wuz unnecessary. Wuz the experiment a success?
Not any. When he commenst the trial he weighed 200; in a week he wuz
down to 125; and in fourteen days he slep in the valley!

I hev bin livin on faith for a year or more, and I too am thin. My bones
show; light shines through me; I am faint and sick. Oh, for suthin that
I can see and feel--suthin solid!

Our Dimocratic noosepapers are supportin Androo Johnson. They claim that
his polisy is our polisy; that he is ourn, and we are hizn. They are
singin hosanners to him. At his every act they exclaim Halleloogy! in
chorus. What is it all about? In what partikeler hez Androo Johnson
showed hisself to be a Dimokrat? In the name uv Dimocrisy let me ask,
"WHERE IS THE OFFICES?" Who's got em? What is the politikle convickshuns
uv the wretch who is post master at the Corners, and who only last nite
refused, in the most heartless manner, to trust me for postage stamps?
Who is the Collectors, the Assessors, et settry? Are they constitooshnel
Dimokrats? Is Stanton, and Seward, and Welles histed out uv the cabinet,
and Vallandigum, and Brite, and Wood apinted in their places? Not onct.
Every post master, every collector, every assessor, every officer, is a
ablishinist, dyed deeply and in fast colors.

Faith without works is a weak institution; its like a whisky punch with
the whisky omitted, wich is a disgustin mixter uv warm water and sugar.
What is it to me (who hev bin ready to accept any position uv wich the
salary wuz sufficient to maintain a individooal uv simple habits) who is
beheaded, so ez I don't get a place? Androo Johnson may cut off offishl
heads ez dexterously and proofoosely ez he chooses; but my sole refuses
to thrill when I know that Ablishnists, though uv a different stripe,
will be apinted. So long ez Dimocrats are kept out, what care I who hez
the places? Paul may plant and Apollus water; but uv what account is the
plantin and waterin to me ef I don't get the increase? I take no delight
in sich spectacles. Ef Androo Johnson proposes to be a Dimockrat,--ef he
desires the honest, hearty support of the party,--let him seel his faith
with works.

I visited Washington with the express purpose uv seein the second
Jackson. I am a frank man, and I laid the matter afore him without
hesitation. I told him that the Postmaster at the Corners wuz opposin
his policy and aboosin him continually; that it wuz a outrage that men
holdin place under the Administration should not sustain the
Administration. In the name uv Right, I demanded a change.

I sposed that to wunst the position would be offered to me; and after
protestin a sufficient time that I did not wish it, and would prefer the
apintment of some more worthy man, I should accept it, and go home
provided for three years. Imagine my deep, my unutterable disgust, when
he told me that he wood investigate the matter, and probably wood make a
change, PROVIDED HE COULD FIND, IN THE VICINITY, SOME ORIGINAL UNION MAN
WHO WOULD ACCEPT THE PLACE!

Then the iron entered my soul. Then I felt that in him we had no lot nor
part.

Our principles are uv a very comprehensive nature. We are willin to
endorse Androo Johnson, or any other man. We will endorse his theories
uv Reconstruction, or any man's theories. We are elastic, like Injy
rubber. The boy who set a hen on a hundred eggs acknowledged to his
maternal parent that she could not kiver em; but he remarked he wanted
to see the old thing spred herself. We have that spreadin capacity. We
kin accommodate the prejudices uv the people uv all the various
localities. In Connecticut we are singin John Brown's body lies a
mouldrin in the grave, in a modritly loud tone, and supporting a
Ablishnist who voted for doin away with slavery in the District of
Columby and for the Constooshnel Amendment. In Kentucky we are hangin
men uv the John Brown style, and mobbin all uv the persuasion uv the
Connecticut nominee. Sich a variety uv principle,--a party uv sich
adaptability,--kin hev but one great central idee, on wich there is no
diversity uv opinion, and to which all other ideas is subordinate. That
idea is POST OFFICE! and ef Androo Johnson could be got rite on that
question, we'd care not wat else he required uv us.

We hev our arms around Androo. We are huggin him to our buzzums; but he
hez left his baggage to hum. That baggage is wat we want; and we shel
fling him off shortly, onless he changes his policy in this respeck. He
kin hev us on easy terms; but he must furnish the ammunishun with which
to fight his battles. Will he do it? That's the question a hundred
thousand hungry soles, who hanker even ez I do, are daily askin.

                                  PETROLEUM V. NASBY,
                  Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.




XII.

The President's 22d of February Speech.--The Account thereof of One
behind the Scenes.--Hopes and Fears of the Democracy.


                                      WASHINGTON, February 23, 1866.

I don't know; but there is a still small voice within me wich whispers,
"All is well!" The delusive phantom, Hope, may be playin false with me.
The wish may be paternal parient to the thought, and I may be indulgin
in a dream from wich I shel be, to-morrer, roodly awakened; but it's my
opinion that the day-star uv glory hez arozen onto the Dimocracy; that
our night uv gloom is over; and that, at larst, the Government, or at
least the only part we care about,--the offisis,--is ourn. I heerd
Androo Johnson speak last nite! I stood beside him! I helpt hold him up!
I SMELT HIS BREATH. It's all rite!

I hed hopes when he vetoed that large and varied assortment uv Ablishn
abominashens,--the Freedmen's Burow bill,--notwithstandin there were
pints in his message I coodent sanction. The veto wuz heavenly, but his
reasons were unsound. When he expressed hisself ez bein determined upon
sekoorin the niggers in their rites, I felt fearful that there wuz a
honist diffrence uv opinion atween him and Congress wich mite be
settled, and then what wood become uv us? Ef the niggers is to hev
rites, in the name uv Heaven, I asked myself, what difference does it
make to us whether they hev em by Charles Sumner's system (on whose head
rest cusses!), or A. Johnson's? And ez is customary when men ask
theirselves questions, I got no answer. Men never ask theirselves
questions wich kin be answered.

But last nite my doubts wuz removed. Little Sam Cox, and Dan Voorhees,
and the Woods, and Tom Florence, and Coyle, and me, hed bin with Androo
all day. The Ablishnists avoided him after the veto; and knowin he'd
done suthin he wuzn't quite shoor wuz wise, he needed bracin up, and we
wuz ready to brace him. Isn't it singler that men, when they go to the
devil, alluz go in squads? Cox hed him cornered all day, a readin to him
extrax from Forney's Press, and choice selections from Sumner's
speeches; and Voorhees and the others wuz a intimatin to him that only
in the buzzum uv the Dimocrisy cood he find that conjeniality uv sperit
so nessary to him; and by the time the serenade wuz ready, he wuz ez
full uv venom ez wuz possible, and his capassity in that line is
immense.

The company all went with him onto the stand, and my eyes saw the first
cheerin vision wich they hev beheld for years. Before us stood ten
thousand or more Dimocrats. There wuz the veteran from Lee's army in his
soot uv gray, which hed, by continyood contact with the pavements uv
Washington--wich, not hevin bin slept on much, sense Bookannon's time,
they don't sweep--hed become somewhat uv the color uv the clay. There
wuz the offiser who surrendered with Johnston, and them noble sons uv
Baltimore, and Rawly, and Charleston, who, though they didn't serve
their section in the field, were ardent in their support uv the cause.
There were the old-style Dimocrats uv the North, whose faith in
Johnson's Dimocrisy, based upon the scene wich took place at the
inauguration, wuz greater than mine, hed come on with their applications
for Post Offises, and who jined so heartily in the cheers wich went up
for J. Davis: and there, addressin this crowd, wuz a President--the man
who had the appintin power in his hands--who cood make and unmake Post
Offisis.

It did me good, and yet I doubtid. Wood he go through with it? Wood he
lock horns with Wade and Sumner, and dare the wrath uv Thad Stevens?
Wood he? He wavered and shrunk back ez he saw the style uv the awdience
before him; for he hed bin, for four years, accustomed to better dressed
people. But Cox and Florence wuz ekal to the emergency. Samyooel
whispered into his one ear, "Whitewash!" and Florence into tother,
"Charles the I.!" and flamin up like a conflagratid oil well, he waded
it. Then I felt that it wuz all right. Then my soul expanded; and ez he
went on, pilin Billinsgate upon Billinsgate, usin Tennessee stump slang,
improved by a liberal mixter uv the more desprit variety he hed picked
up in Washinton and Baltimore, I felt that it wuz indeed well with us.
He wuz talkin ez a Dimokrat to Dimokrats; and it wuz appreciated.
Strippin off all uv the disguise he hed bin a wearin for four
years,--washin off, in rage and whisky, the varnish and putty with wich
he hed shined up his dullness, and filled up the cracks and cavities
wich hed alluz troubled him,--he stood forth ez we knowd him--Androo
Johnson! How he did froth and foam! How he did lash his late associates!
and how those Dimokrats who kum to Washinton with petitions for places
in their pockets did wink at each other, and poke each other in the
ribs, with exultation and jockelarity wich they cood not conceal! And
how the Ablishnists, wich hung onto the outskirts uv the crowd, in the
hope that he wood declare himself in sich a way ez to give em some hope,
did walk away sorrowfully and sore, ez tho they felt that they hed a new
trouble afore em! And how the soljers uv Lee, and the quartermasters
wich hed made Richmond their headquarters doorin the war, did cheer and
sling their hats into the air, and in the uncontrollable enthoosiasm uv
the moment invariably snatch better ones from the heads uv the Northern
men in the crowd! It wuz gorgus.

While His Eggslency's course gives me hope, I don't want it to be
understood that I am prepared to fully and entirely indorse him. I don't
go much on men who do things in a state uv madnis; neither do I invest
heavy in that Dimokrat wich requires an extra load uv likker to make him
act and talk like a Dimokrat. Androo Johnson was and is a Dimokrat--a
ginooine Dimokrat. The accident uv his learnin to read, in his yooth,
gave him a preëminence over us in Tennessee, and put him through the
various places he hez filled. His affinities wuz with us; his style wuz
our style, and his habits our habits; and he hed no biznis to ever git
out uv the fold. I cannot forgit that he went back on us at a critikle
time in the histry uv the party. He saw that the effort the Dimocrisy uv
the South wuz makin to regain their rites wood be a failyoor; the
aristocracy uv the South hed snubbed him, and refoozed to recognize him;
but all this shood not hev affected him. It's the normal condishn uv the
lower grade uv Dimokrats to be snubbed; and they hev no rite to inquire
whether anything the aristocracy uv the party propose is goin to be a
failyoor or not. It's their dooty to obey orders without questionin.

Wat spiled Johnson wuz Massachoosits. He pretended to be loyal, and
Massachoosits patted him on the back. They took him into good society.
They let him associate with Sumner and sich, and the man became
infatooated. He got to drinkin high priced drinks, and wearin clean
shirts, and begun to ape the manners uv those into whose sphere he hed
bin thrown, There wuz these two opposin forces contendin within
him--nateral proclivities and acquired tastes--wich may be represented
by whiskey out uv a jug, and mint jooleps at Willard's. Massychoosits
wuz a pullin him up, and North Carolina wuz equally vigorously pullin
him down. He wantid to stay with Massychoosits, but he wuz uncomfortable
all the time; and finally nacher asserted her supremacy, and he broke
over, and like the water long confined in a dam, when its bustid its
obstructions, and goes, it goes with a loosenis, and tears up, and takes
a very large quantity uv dirt and drift wood with it.

Before I tie myself to A.J., I want to know fer certin what he proposes
to do. WHO IS TO HEV THE POST OFFISIS? Is Ablishnists to still retain
the places uv trust and profit? Does he propose to organize a new party,
made up uv sich Republikins ez he can indoose to foller him and the
Dimocrisy? Ef so, I ain't in. Decidedly, I ain't in. Emphatically, count
me out. For the reason, that he kin git jist enuff Republikins,
percisely, and no more, to fill the offisis, and they will be uv sich a
character ez will do the Dimokrisy no credit. I won't be tail to no
kite. We are willin to play kite; but tail, never! Ef we boost Androo
Johnson, Androo Johnson must boost us. Does he think we kin carry sich a
load ez he is for nothin? Nary. Ef we hev a consoomin desire to git
along without offisis, we are doin very well at that now, we thank you;
and we haven't the responsibility uv the Administration uv a eggstremely
shaky man to carry. Sich loads must be paid for.

But, after all, I hev hopes. He hez cut hisself loose from Sumner and
Stevens; and in less than a week every Republikin uv modrit
sensibilities will be aboozin uv him to that extent that he won't be
able to git back agin. He's an animal uv the bull kind; and criticism
and opposition is to him the red flag wich the Spanish matadors, I
bleeve they call em, waves afore the animals they wish to infooriate,
and they may drive him into our ranks.

I wait, and watch, and hope. Ef I kin wunst git a commission, with the
broad seel uv the Postmaster General onto it, confirmin me in the
possession uv the Post orifis at the Corners, I shel bless the day that
Androo Johnson left us, and prokoored his elevation to the Presidency.
May the day be hastened!

                                  PETROLEUM V. NASBY,
                  Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.




XIII.

Another Warning.--Profuse Expenditure of Powder and Torchlight
Processions deprecated.--The President implored to show his Hand.


                                                  CONFEDRIT × ROADS
                                  (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky),
                                                  February 29, 1866.

I notice, all over the North, the Democrisy is a firin guns, and marchin
after brass bands, and hirin halls for endorsin Androo Johnson. Ez a
sentinel on the watch-tower, I protest!

In the name uv suffrin Kentucky, uv wich State I am a adopted sitizen, I
protest!

In the name uv common sense and ordnary politikle sagassity, I protest!

Androo Johnson may possibly be on the high road to Dimocrisy; but, ez
yet, what ashoorence hev we? Am I datin my letters from "Post Orifis,
Confedrit × Roads?" Hez there bin, as yit, any well authenticated case
uv the removal uv a Ablishnist, and the apintment uv a constooshnel
Democrat in his stead? Not that I hev heard of. Per contrary, the
Ablishnists--them ez wuz apinted by Linkin--are still holdin on, ez calm
ez a summer mornin, without any apparent fear uv any change affectin
them.

Who pays for the Halls? Who pays the music? Who pays the Powder?
Dimocrats who do these scent Post Offises in the distanse. Are they like
the the war hoss in Job's writins, who smelled the battle afar off, and
remarked Ha, Ha! to the trumpets? Let me enticet sich that they kin make
a better investment uv their means.

The cost uv one meetin, put in korn whisky, wood not only solace
theirselves, but start half a dozen Ablishnists on the road to
Dimocrisy.

Men is deceptive. I hev hopes uv Androo Johnson myself, and principally
becoz Vallandigum and Fernandy Wood hev hopes. Them buzzards kin smell
carrion a long distance, and they are seldom at fault. In this case,
they may be. They base their hopes on Johnson's speech, at Washington,
on the 22d. There may be suthin in it; but ain't it possible that the
stench wich they took for Dimocrisy, and wich they sposed cum from
Johnson, ariz from them ez surrounded him?

"But," sez a Dimocrat, whose nose, from long continued lack of supplies,
hez softened down from a generous crimson to a ghastly bloo, and who
woodent hev a small Post orifis at no price, ef it wuznt offered him,
"look at the class he spoke to."

Wat noncents! Androo wuz mad. There wuz a mass uv bile on hiz politikle
stumick wich must be got rid uv. He had sum nasty things to say, and it
wuz a part uv the eternal fitness uv things that he shood hev a nasty
audience to say em to.

I don't propose to go orf into spasms over the present sitooashun.
Johnson proposes to continoo the Freedmens' Buro, and hezn't no noshun
of repeelin the test oath, or uv drawin the military out uv the
Dimocratik States. So far as heard from, we uv the South is still in a
stait of abject custitood. Our habis corpuses wich Linkin took away from
us hevn't bin returned, and we are obleeged to git along ez best we kin
without em. I knocked down a small nigger yisterday, for the purpus uv
assertin the sooperiority uv the Cauchashun race over the Afrikin, and
wuz to wunst hauled up afore a Freedmen's Buro, and fined. Our
high-toned and chivalrous members are exclooded from Congris on the
frivolus plea that they wuz kernels and briggydeer Ginerals in the
Confederit servis; and all these outragis agin Dimocrisy Androo Johnson,
by permittin, absolootly approves.

I could probably swaller all these things. I am a Dimokrat uv thirty
years standin, and, uv course, hev bin on both sides uv every politikle
fence. The seats of my politikle pants is full of slivers. But, before I
take down these things, I WANT TO KNOW WHAT I AM GOIN TO GIT FOR IT. Ef
Androo Johnson goes back on his party and his pledges, he, uv course,
asks us to go back on ourn. In sich transactions, where both parties, by
bein engaged in it at all, confess themselves ruther a low grade of
skoundrels, I think it well enuff to hev the consideration paid down.

Ef Androo Johnson wants me, he knows the terms. I am his to command, for
a consideration; ez much so ez is the thousands uv Demokrats who hev
bin, for the past week, gittin up Demonstrations. But I want suthin to
go on. When I hev his permisson, under the broad seel uv the Post Orfis
Department, to write "P.M." after my illustrious name, I shell be
prepared to wade in. I hev bin huntin up several reasons for supportin
him. I hev em all ready. I only want this additional one, and then I
fling my banner to the breeze. Faith is sed to be the sun of all
religious systems. POST OFFIS is the central figger in all Democratic
creeds--the theme uv conversation by day, and the staple uv dreems by
night. How long! oh, how long!

                                  PETROLEUM V. NASBY,
                  Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.




XIV.

Refuses to Support the President, having no Confidence in Him.--Again
warns the Democracy.


                                                  CONFEDRIT × ROADS
                                  (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky),
                                                     March 12, 1866.

The politikle sky is orecast with friteful clouds. Darkness is on the
face uv the waters. The waves is a rollin mountin high, the litenin
flashes ominous thro the gloom, and the deep-mouthed thunder mutters
angrily in the distants. Ez a sentinel on the watch-tower, I look out,
and what do I see? I see the old ship uv State loaded down with a
valuable cargo uv Post-offices, Collectorships, and sich, a laborin in
the trough uv the sea, her bowsprit cove in, her top-gallant lanyards
bustid, her jib-boom a flutterin in the gale, her capstan spliced, and
her sheet anker torn to ribbons. (Not hevin bin a sailor, only ez a
driver on the Wabash Kanal, it is possible my nautikle terms may not be
altogether correct. But it makes no difference in the interior uv
Kentucky.) She is strivin to make her harbor, and is workin manfully.
Close behind her is the long, low, rakish skooner Dimocrisy, with all
sale set, a tryin her best to overtake her and board her. For a time it
seemed ez tho she wood be successful, but alas! she is fallin astern,
and every minnit the distance between em is a widenin, widenin, widenin,
and at present writin there ain't the remotest prospect uv their gettin
within hailin distance uv each other.

To drop mettafor (wich, by the way, I kin jerk when I feel so
disposed), the prospect isn't ez encouragin ez it wuz, and I fear, in
fact I feel certain, that the short cut to offis wich the Democrisy
thought it had found through Androo Johnson's veto, is reely the
longest way round. I cannot understand what indoost the Dimocratic
leaders, our chosin standard-bearers, to make sich egrejus asses uv
theirselves ez to place enny dependence on Johnson at all. What cood
they hev bin thinkin uv? Wuz not our experience in 1864 sufficient to
deter em from makin any experiment wich involved abandonment uv any uv
our principles? Didn't we, in the hope uv ketchin Abolition war votes,
nominate MickLellan, and didn't the war men jeer us, and flout us, and
say, "Behold, we hev better war men uv our own; why shood we leave home
to find that uv wich we hev a plenty?" When Androo Johnson, in a fit uv
temporary indignashun, split on Sumner, why did our people, like
idiots, pick him up, and endorse him without givin the matter matoor
considerashun--without waitin for the fax? Didn't they know that Sumner
wuz a sort uv a dose uv calomel, wich worked on the President's liver,
and necessitated the discharge uv all the offensive matter wich hed
accumulated doorin his long term uv Dimocrisy? Uv course it wuz, and
to-day Androo Johnson, hevin in that speech got rid uv the last
vestidge uv Dimocrisy wich infected him, comes up a stronger man agin
us than ever. We made two errors: On the 4th uv March, 1865, at his
inoggerashun, when he made a spectacle uv hisself, we murmured gently
to ourselves, "It's all right! he's yet wun uv us." And we sed the same
after the splurge uv the 22d uv February last. Oh, my friends, they wuz
both fatal errors. Them spasms wuz the efforts uv a noble nacher a
tryin to git rid uv Locofocoism, and from the fact that he immejitely
after commenst a missellaneously apintin Abilishnists and Republicans
to offises, and hezn't showed a sine uv a disposition to extend his
hand to a single confidin Democrat, it's my opinion he's succeeded.

We bet too heavy on the fight atween the President and Sumner. Sumner is
ordained to alluz hev a gong uv sum kind, which he is also ordained to
keep perpetually a poundin. He's bin for several years amusin hisself a
poundin the Dimocrisy, and when there wuzn't enuff uv that to make it
interestin, he turned on Johnson, and he'll pound at him till suthin
else excites his wrath. He's a Spanish bull, possessin sharp horns, and
a immense amount uv strength and agility, which he is continooally a
wastin by jumpin at sich red flags ez are mischeevusly waved afore him.
He's jest ez apt to gore his frends ez his enemies, and his lungin at
Johnson wuz no sign that Johnson had gone back on Ablishnism.

But enuff uv this. Sence it hez become a fixed fact that the boorish
tailor, who now by accident okkepies the place uv the marter Linkin,
made vacant by his untimely death by the hand uv a vile assassin (whose
only redeemin trait wuz that he wuz a stanch, uncompromisin
Dimocrat),--now, I say, that it's plain that this drunken sot ain't
agoin to distribute the patronage amongst us who need it so much, I ask,
in indignashun, wat is it that we are asked to endorse?

He proposes to continue the Freedmen's Buro bizness.

He refooses to withdraw the military from the Dimokratic States.

He refooses to restore to our sufferin brethren uv the Dimocratic States
the habis corpusses wich the tyrant Linkin wrested from them.

He keeps Jefferson Davis a pinin in a loathsome dungeon, and only
refooses to bring him to trial becoz, 4sooth, he haint yet got things in
the right shape to hang him.

I cood enumerate other insults and opressions he hez piled upon
Dimocrats, but I forbear. I might, if I wuz disposed to harrow up the
Dimocratic sole and lasserate the Dimocratic bosom, state how I wuz
treated, when, on the 24th uv Febrooary last I made a delegashun uv
myself, and went to Washington for the purpose uv layin before him the
necessity uv the removal uv the postmaster at the Corners, and the
apintment uv myself in his stead. I found that his speech had reached
all other parts uv the Yoonited States ez soon ez it hed Kentucky, for
there wuz suthin over a hundred thousand stanch Dimocrats there, all
with petitions noomerously signed, wich they hed held over from
Bookannon's administration, recommendin uv em to places. How wuz we
reseeved? How did Androo Johnson treet us? I mite say how emphatically I
wuz shoved out uv his room, and with what reckless profanity I heerd him
remark that Washington had stunk with secesh ever since he vetoed the
bill; that that foolish speech had acted on the whole country like a
puke, and that each State had spewed its foulest material onto
Washington, and that the atmosphere wuz heavy with their breath, et
settry, et settry, but I forbear.

Suffice it to say that the few Democratic members uv Congress had hard
work borrowin money enuff to git the most spectable uv the crowd home
agin, and even then thousands uv em who wuz drawed there by that speech,
shoor uv apintments, wuz obliged to _walk_ home ignominiously, uv whom I
wuz which.

Androo Johnson may be worthy uv Dimocratic support, but he hez a queer
way uv showin it. I know not wat others may do, but ez for me and my
household I'll run after no strange gods. Ef he wants us, let him call
on us in language wich we kin understand.

                                  PETROLEUM V. NASBY,
                  Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.




XV.

The Patriarchal System.--An Affecting Appeal in Behalf of a Friend.


                                                  CONFEDRIT × ROADS
                                  (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky),
                                                     March 19, 1866.

Yesterday I happened to pick up a kopy uv a friteful depraved Ablishin
paper, and my horror-stricken eyes wuz glued to the follerin passage,
which I read:--

"I am happy to state to you that our free negroes are doing finely. We
have no trouble with them. They have all gone to work manfully. They
give an impetus to trade that we never before had. I have sold John
Guttle's negroes, this year and last, more goods than I ever sold
Guttle, and he owned two hundred and fifty slaves. So you see the free
negro system is working well with us."

Ez I peroozed them lines, tears started involuntarily from my beamin
eyes, and coursed in torrents down my venerable cheeks. I know John
Guttle well, I may say intimately. He wuz a dear friend,--one uv the few
wich I kall friend in the most catholic and comprehensive sense uv the
word. He holds my note fur eighteen dollars and 63 cents; and I hev
sumwhere among my papers, wich I have alluz carefully preserved for
reference, a memorandum uv his address, that I might be shoor not to
forget to send it to him. I give him the note becoz he furnished the
paper, and it made him easy in his mind--I put down the memorandum bekoz
it looked business-like. Benevolence is a prominent trait in my
karacter. When givin my note for borrered money will do a man good, I
never begrudge the trouble uv writin it.

But wat I wuz a goin to say wuz, that the feendishnis uv that item
passes belief. The writer puts it in print to show that the Ablishn uv
slavry benefitted sumbody. I grant him that the merchant, who
undoubtedly wuz born in Massachusetts, wuz benefitted by the change; so
are the greesy mechanics who are now pollutin the soil uv Alabama; and
so, probably, are the 250 niggers; but, in the name uv Liberty, in the
name uv Justice, in the name uv the Constertooshun uv the Yoonited
States, and the flag uv our Common Country, I ask, HOW ABOUT JOHN
GUTTLE?

John Guttle is robbed. John Guttle is deprived uv his property. The bred
is taken from John Guttle's mouth; his staff is broken; his dependence
is gone; he is bereft.

Never shall I forget John Guttle or his hospitable mansion, ez I knowed
it in the happy year afore the crooel war. He wuz a gentleman uv the old
skool--one uv the few left us in these degenerate days. His home wuz wun
uv unalloyed happiness. Situated just back uv Mobeel, he had the finest
plantashun in that section, and hed on it 250 niggers. All shades wuz
represented. There wuz the coal-black Cuffee, whose feechers denoted the
pure Afrikin, and whose awkward manners showed that he wuz not long from
Afrika. There wuz the civilized mulatto, in whose veins the Guttle blood
showed; the quadroon, in whom the good old Guttle blood predominated;
and the octoroon, which wuz mostly Guttle. The Guttleses wuz eminently a
Christian generation. They wuz devoutly pious; and there never wuz one
uv the name who cood not repeat, without the book, all uv the texts
bearin on slavery. The passages in which Onesimus and Hager figger wuz
favorites with em; but on "cussid be Canaan" they wuz strong. For
generations they had mourned over the hard fate uv the sons uv Ham,
doomed to perpetooal bondage becoz uv the sin uv their father; and with
a missionary spirit ekaled by few and excelled by none, they did their
part towards redoosin that cuss, by makin ez many of em ez possible
half-brothers to the more favored race uv Japhet, and thus bringing uv
em out uv the cuss; and they had mellered the color uv their charges
down from the hideous black to a bright yeller. Under the old patriarkle
system, time passed orf smoothly and pleasantly with the Guttle family.
Them 250 niggers wuz obliged, uv course, to work, and their labor wuz
money. John bought each uv the male sons uv Ham too soots uv close per
annum, and each uv the female sons uv Ham one soot. It wuz considered
healthy for the young ones to go naked, which they wuz religiously
allowed to do, ez none uv the Guttles uv that family wood do any thing
agin nater or her laws. The girls hed pianos, and wuz educated at the
North; the boys wuz celebrated for horse racing and their skill at losin
money at faro. They wuz hospitable and generous to a fault. Their house
wuz open house, and their beverages wuz alluz the best. Money wuz no
objick to them; for when they had a severe attack of poker, or faro, or
hoss racin, they hed plenty uv octoroons and quadroons, with the real
Guttle nose, wich brand wuz well known in Noo Orleans, and wood alluz
command the highest possible figger that wuz paid in that market; or, ef
they had no more than they wanted at home uv that style, why, a few
field hands wood be sold, and the remainin ones wood be persuaded by the
overseer to do the work uv the whole. John Guttle's sons wuz all in the
Confederit army. His daughters, willin to sacrifice every thing fur the
cause, heroically pledged theirselves to whip the niggers theirselves
doorin their absence.

Now all is changed! A shadder hez fallen across that peaceful home. The
nigger quarters is there, but the niggers is not. The broad plantashun
is divided up into small farms, and half uv it is owned by Ablishnists
from the North, who work theirselves, and who hev a meetin house on one
corner uv it, and the niggers a skool house on the tother. The race
track is plowed up and in cotton; the whippin-post and the stocks is
taken down and burned; all, all the evidences uv civilizashun hez faded
afore the ruthless hand of the invader. John Guttle--that generous old
man--subsists by the labor uv his own hands. One uv his sons ekes out a
miserable existence running a dray in Mobeel; another, who is gifted
with no ordinary intelleck, earns a respectable livin playin seven-up;
in a small way, with his former niggers; and the two girls is runnin a
sewing masheen.

Talk not to me uv benefits. What is a dozen tradesmen and two hundred
and fifty niggers to the gellorious old Dimocratic John Guttle? What is
the interest uv a dozen or so uv Noo England mechanics, and the niggers
aforesaid, when compared to that glorious aristocracy which can never
exist beside em? Kin I go and borrer eighteen dollars and sixty-three
cents uv one uv them? No. Becoz, working for their paltry livins, they
place a higher valyoo on money, and will not spread it around ez
profoosely ez the nobble race which preceded em.

Another great wrong is done in this settin free uv John Guttle's
niggers. John Guttle hez, uv course, no further interest in the
Dimocratic party. Slavery wuz the umbillikle cord which united the
Southern slaveholder and the Northern Dimocrat; and, that cord cut, why
hez John Guttle any more interest in Dimocracy? We stood ez a Chinese
wall between them and the rushin flood uv Ablishn fanaticism; and we
made the wall biznis pay. They furnished money, and we did the work;
and, there bein but few uv us, the orfisis wuz easily divided. Alas! our
okepashin's gone. The South is forever lost to us; for she has no dirty
work for us to do.

I appeal to the Yoonited States uv America. In behalf uv John Guttle, I
say, give him back his niggers. In behalf uv the Dimocrisy North who are
out uv employment, give him back his niggers. In behalf uv his son who
is runnin a dray, give him back his niggers. In behalf uv his daughters
runnin a sewin machine, give him back his niggers. Make things Normal
agin. Like John the Baptist, the Government shall hear the voice uv one
howlin in the wilderness until all these is done.

                                  PETROLEUM V. NASBY,
                  Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.




XVI.

A Dream.--The Corpse of Republicanism.--Who the Mourners were, and how
they felt.--The awakening of the Sleeping Giant, and the Scattering that
followed.


                                                  CONFEDRIT × ROADS
                                  (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky),
                                                     March 30, 1866.

I hev bin to Washinton. That Ablishn Postmaster at the Corners hed
become to me a nitemare. Day after day I seed him a handlin guvment
money, drawin his salery promptly, and takin his drinks reglerly, while
I, a Constooshnel Dimekrat, a supporter uv our great and good President,
wuz forced to the humiliashun uv waitin till I wuz treated, ceptin when
a new grocery keeper cum in, which gave me a chance to establish a
credit for a short time. I felt that sumthin must be done, and therefore
I went to Washinton.

Knowin that for men uv my profound convickshins, holdin my views ez to
consiliashen and sich, I hed no call to go to the Postmaster-General,
who is a Ablishnist, I went dreckly to the Second Jaxon hisself. I
succeeded in gettin a audience late in the afternoon. Our patron saint
wuz a sittin at a table, eggsausted with receevin delegashens and sich.

"Well," sed he.

"Honerd and spected sir," said I, "I am a applicant for the post orfis
at Confedrit × Roads, wich is at present held by a Ablishnist who does
not beleeve in yoor policy, wich I do beleeve in solemnly. Spected and
honered sir," sed I, "ef I shood have twins born to me this nite, I
shood name em both Policy."

"Wich State are yoo from?" sed he, half asleep.

"From Kentucky, honered and spected sir," sed I.

"Well," sed he, yawnin feerfully, and turnin to a clerk, "FILL OUT A
PARDON, AND GIVE HIM A COMMISSION!"

"Honered and spected sir," sed I, in a fit of loonacy for wich I can't
account, "I don't need a pardon. I wuz never in the late lamented
Confedrit servis."

"What'n thunder, then, are yoo here for, beggin a post offis? Git out,
yoo imposter!" and I wuz too wunst ignominiously showed to the door. I
didn't quite understand the lay uv the land around the White House.

In vane I tried to git back, that I might convince him I did ez much for
the Confederasy ez my humble abilities permitted, and that I needed
consiliatin ez badly ez anybody. Then, hart broke and dead broke, not
heving the wherewith to prokoor more sootable lodgin, I lay me down on
the cold stun steps, and sought refuge from my troubles in sleep.

I dreemed a dream. Methawt I wuz in a room in the White House. Stretched
out on one side uv the room wuz the corpse uv a giant, a monster in size
and strength, but withal uv a pleasin presence, and fair to look upon.
Onto its head was a liberty cap, and by its side wuz a sword,
considerably dinted, and with all the gildin knocked off.

"Wat is these?" sed I, pointin to the corpse, askin a sort uv a
attendant.

"Them," replied he, "is the defunct carcass uv Republikinism. He was a
hefty yooth in his day, but he died this mornin. Look! the mourners are
a comin to divide his clothes."

And shoor enuff, they came in. At the head wuz the second Jaxon, which
the Ablishnists derisively call Moses, who appeared to be angry, and
clost behind him wuz Seward, a weepin out uv one eye, and a smilin out
uv tother, and Jim Lane, who hed a handkercher wich he occasionally put
to his eyes, but wich I notist wuz ez dry ez a lime kiln, and Doolittle,
and Lee, and Raymond, and Beauregard, and Cowan, and Stephens, and
Thurlow Weed, and Vallandigham, and Governor Sharkey, and a host uv
others, all uv wich ranged theirselves around the bier.

"He wuz a promisin yooth," sed Seward, a puttin his handkercher to his
eyes, "but the atmosphere uv the White House wuz too much for him. I
insist, however," sed he, a pocketin the handkercher, and takin hold uv
a trinket the corpse held in his hand, labelled "Presidency, 1868," from
which hung mor'n a million uv smaller trinkets, "that ez 'twas me that
pizened him, this is mine."

"Nary," sed Johnson; "I did the biziness for him, and it's mine."

"Settle it ez yoo please," sed Raymond, gently, "but whoever gits it
must remember that this Secretaryship is mine."

"And I," sed Doolittle, "must hev, for my assistance, this little affair
marked 'St. James,' for my seat in the Senit is a goner."

"For my part," sed Jim Lane, "the western appointments is mine. Its
worth em all to wear this collar."

"My friends," sed Stephens, "I find no amnesty about the corpse. There
must be one manufactured and stuck in his pocket, to be prodoost at the
funeral."

Thurlow Weed sed nothin, but looked on with a sardonic smile, knowin
perfeckly well that whoever took the biggest part uv the plunder, he'd
control it, any way.

Governor Sharkey laid claim to a secretaryship, and Boregard to the
place uv Sherman, and Lee to Grant's position, and Vallandigham wanted
this, and tother feller that, and there wuz a terrible hubbub over the
corpse. Wilkes Booth's gost came in, and wanted to know what he wuz to
hev in the new deal, "for," sed he, "ef't hadn't bin for me, where'd yoo
all hev bin? Talk uv the White House atmosphere killin him! I'm sure the
shadder uv the buildin blasted what little uv his spirit yoo hed," sed
he, a turnin to Seward, "but ef Linkin hed lived, ha, ha!" sed he, in a
tragedy voise. Then in trooped a lot uv other gosts. There wuz Bill
Allen, uv Ohio, and Washington Hunt, uv Noo York, and Jeems Bookannon,
uv Pennsylvania, and Eli Thayer, and Lew. Campbell, and Garret Davis,
who started to make a speech, but the entire assemblage stuck their
fingers in their ears, wich hint he took for the first time in his life,
and desisted.

Finally Johnson swore "by the eternal" (he got that noshun from the
first A.J., wich he thinks he resembles, coz his innitials is the same,
and coz the original vetoed a bill wunst) that he wood hev the
Presidency, and gobbled it. Seward, he snatched at it, and they tussled.
The company stood by to see it out, for it made but little difference to
them wich got it. In the skrimage Johnson happened to ram Seward up agin
a window on the north side uv the room, and smashed it out. Jest then a
blast uv north wind poured into the room through the aperture, and
blowed onto the face uv the corpse. The effect was electrikle. Life ran
through his veins, his face flushed, and the livid hue was changed to
the ruddy glow uv health. The dead wuz alive; the giant raised to his
feet, and looked around him, shakin off them ez wuz a hangin to him like
insex. Noticin the trinket wich hed caused the skrimage in Johnson's
hand, he took him by the neck, and twistin it out uv his hand, flung him
gently through the winder. "I ain't made up my mind who to give this to,
but yoo bet it ain't yoo," sed he.

"Willyum," sed he, turnin to Seward, "I'm surprised at yoo. Wuz this
bauble the price uv yoor honesty and yoor principle? Go, Willyum! Ez for
yoo, Doolittle, yoo never wuz half baked; yoo, Thurlow, put Raymond in
your vest pocket, and quit the presence. Yoo, Jim Lane, I leave to the
tender mercies uv my friends in Kansas. Clear out the balance uv this
rabble, and send for my friends. I've bin pizened, and smothered, and
stunk nigh to death. Clear out the house, and sweep it, and sprinkle
chloride uv lime; and sich, all over it. Shut down them Southern
windows, and open those on the North, East, and West sides. I want a
snuff uv fresh air, for I--"

At this pint I awoke, and found myself, not in the White House, but on
the steps thereof, cold and shiverin. In my pocket wuz the papers wich
didn't get me the post orifis I wuz seekin, and in my mind wuz chaotic
confusion. Wuz the dream prophetic, or wuz it merely a vagary uv the
mind, wich, wen loosed from its clay, sores off onto its own hook,
without any restraint. Is the giant Republican actually dead, or is he
in a trance? Will it arise, and scatter them ez hez appinted themselves
administrators uv its estate, and wich are beginnin to divide the
assets, or will he stay ded? Wood, oh wood, that I knowed!

                                  PETROLEUM V. NASBY,
                  Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.




XVII.

A Kentucky Tea Party.--Opinion entertained by Mrs. Deacon Pogram of
Charles Sumner.--Discussion between Mrs. Deacon P. and an Illinois
Store-keeper of the name of Pollock.--Miscegenation.


                                                  CONFEDRIT × ROADS
                                  (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky),
                                                      April 1, 1866.

Charles Sumner is not a very popular man in this section uv Kentucky; on
the contrary, quite the reverse. He is known here ez an Ablishnist; ez
one who is a chief supporter uv that hidjus sin--the infidelity, I may
say, for a man may ez well deny the whole Bible ez to cast discredit
upon Onesimus, Hagar, and Ham, onto wich the whole system uv Afrikin
slavery rests--the origenator, therefore, uv the infidle beleef that
Slavery is not uv divine origin, wich, judgin from the experience uv the
last five years, appears to be gainin ground in the North. He is not,
therefore, popular in this region.

Yisterday I attendid a tea party at Deekin Pogram's, to wich the elite
uv the Corners wuz present, incloodin an Illinoy store-keeper uv the
name uv Pollock, wich hed bin invited because the Deekin hed, some three
months ago, bought a bill uv goods uv him on ninety days' time, and
wantid an extension.

While at the table enjoyin the

    "Cup wich cheers, but don't intoxicate very much,"

ez Dryden hez it, tho I bleeve, to keep off chills, in this country,
they mix three and a half parts uv whiskey to one uv tea, the name uv
Sumner wuz mentioned.

Mrs. Pogram to-wunst remarked that she didn't want the name uv that ojus
creecher spoken at her table.

"Why?" sed I, gratified at the ebulition.

"I hate him!" sed she, spitefully.

"So do I," replied I; "but what hev yoo agin him, aside from his
obnoxious political opinions?"

"Didn't he marry a nigger?" sed Mrs. P., triumphantly. "Didn't he marry
a nigger--a full-blooded nigger? and hezn't he hed nineteen yaller
children, every one uv wich he compelled, agin their will, to marry
full-blooded niggers? Didn't he--"

"Mrs. P.," sed this Illinoy store-keeper, wich his name it wuz Pollock,
"do yoo object to miscegenation?"

"Missee--what?" replied she, struck all uv a heap at the word.

"Miscegenation--amalgamation--marryin whites with niggers."

"Do I?" retorted she; "ketch a son uv mine marryin a nigger! They are
another race; they'r beasts; and who'd marry em but jist sich men ez
Sumner and them other Ablishnists?"

"Then permit me to ask," sed this Pollock, wich wuz bound to kick up a
muss, "ef ther's any race uv pure blood in this section uv Kentucky,
wich is yaller?"

"No! uv course not," sed Mrs. P.; "them yaller people is mulatters--half
nigger, half white."

"And them ez is quite white--not quite, but nearly so--about the color
uv a new saddle, like Jane, there," sed he, pintin to a octoroon girl uv
18 wich used to belong to the Deekin afore the isshooin uv the infernal
proclamashen, "like Jane, there, wich is waitin on the Deekin, and--but,
good Lord!" sed he, startin up like a tragedian.

"Wat!" shouted the company, all startin up.

"Nothin," sed he: "only, now that Jane's face is in range with the
Deekin's, wat a wonderful resemblance! She hez the Pogram nose and
ginral outline uv face; not Mrs. P.'s angularity, but the Deekin all
over. My deer sir," sed he, addressin the Deekin, "ef she wuzn't a
quadroon, I shood say she looks enough like yoo to be yoor daughter, by
a first wife, I shood say, for she hez not, ez I remarked, Mrs. P.'s
angularity and gineral boneinis; but uv course, she bein a part nigger,
the resemblance may be sat down ez-a-very-remarkable-coincidence!"

The Deekin turned ez white ez a sheet, and Mrs. Pogram turned ez red ez
a biled lobster, from wich I inferred that there wuz trooth in a rumor I
had heerd about the Deekin and his wife hevin a misunderstandin about a
nigger woman and her baby, about 18 years ago, wich resulted in his bein
made bald-headed in less than a minute, and the baby's mother being sold
South. The Illinoy store-keeper, uv the name uv Pollock, resoomed,--

"I wuz about askin wat them niggers is ez is nearly white?"

"Why, they'r octoroons, or seven-eighths white," sed Mrs. Pogram.

"And no Kentuckian ever marries a nigger?" inquired the store-keeper,
who I saw wuz pursooin his investigations altogether too fur.

"Never!" sed Mrs. Pogram; "we leave that to Ablishnists."

"Well, then," sed this Pollock, who, I spect, wuzn't half so innsent ez
he let on, "I see that yoo hev no objection to mixin with the nigger,
providin yoo don't do it legally; that amalgamashen don't hurt nothin,
pervidin yoo temper it with adultery. Is that the idee, Mrs. Pogram?"

Mrs. P. wuz mad, and made no reply, and Pollock persood the subjick.

"Jane there, is, I take it, about one-eighth nigger. She got her white
blood from whites, uv course; and ez there coodent be no marryin in the
biznis, there is proof positive in her face that the 8th commandment hez
bin violated about four times somewhere in this vicinity, or wherever
her maternal ancestors, on her mother's side, may hev resided. What do
yoo think about it, Deekin? Ez a Christian, woodent it be better to
marry em than to add a violation uv the commandment to the sin uv
amalgamashen? It wood redoose yoor load jest a half."

The Deekin wuz too indignant to reply, and ez it involved a pint
altogether too hefty for his limited intelleck, I took it up.

"My dear sir," I remarked, "yoo don't make the proper distinction, or,
rather, yoo don't appreciate the subjick at all. The nigger here
sustains only one character with us,--that uv a inferior bein, the slave
uv the hawty Caucashen, uv whom we are the noblest specimens; that is,
the Deekin is, he bein a Southerner. I unfortunately wuz born in the
North, and am a hawty Caucashen only by adoption. To marry a nigger wood
be to destroy our idea uv sooperiority, for we marry only our ekals. The
intercourse with em, the results uv wich yoo see indications, bein
outside uv the pale uv matrimony, is not, ez yoo wood suppose, the
result uv unbrideled licentiousnis, but is merely the assertion uv our
superiority. When the lordly Caucashen (uv whom the Deekin is wich) bids
a daughter uv Ham (wich, in the orginal Hebrew, signifies the
hind-quarter uv a hog) come to him, and she doth it not, he breaks her
head, wich inculcates obedience. One is only a slave indeed when he
surrenders all his individyooel rites. The female slave cannot be
considered ez entirely subdooed until she hez yielded to her owner
everything. To marry em wood be to elevate em; the intercourse common
among us is not a sin, it bein merely the assertion uv that superiority
wich we claim is founded on the Holy Scripter. See Onesimus, Hagar, and
Ham."

"Yes," sed the Deekin, who wuz now on the right track; "it's a assertion
uv our sooperiority; it's a dooty every white man owes to his class, and
I, for one, will alluz--"

"Let me ketch yoo at it, Gabe Pogram," shouted Mrs. P., "and I'll give
you sich a cat-haulin ez yoo never--drat yoor sooperiority, and yoor
Ham, and yoor Caucashen. Niggers is niggers, and--"

Noticin that Mrs. Pogram hedn't quite arrived at the proper pitch uv
self-sacrifice, I turned the discussion onto Sumner agin, ez a subjick
upon wich they cood all agree.

I learned that his father wuz a Dutch grocery-keeper, and his mother an
Irish washer-woman; that he run away from home at the tender age of 8,
after murderin, in cold blood, his grandparents, one uv wich wuz a Jew
and tother a Chinese; that he wuz apprenticed to the shoemakin biznis,
and hed cut the throat uv his boss and his wife, and immersed the
younger children into a biler uv scaldin water, where they were found
mostly dead seven hours afterward; that he acquired wealth a sellin
lottry tickets and brass clocks, et settry. His servants wuz redoost
Southern gentlemen wich he hed swindled into his debt, and wich, under
the laws uv Massychoosits, coodent git away, and that his intimate
friends and associates wuz niggers, with wich he sot long at the festive
board, and drunk champane; that Lucresha Mott wuz his sister, Anna
Dickinson his daughter, Fred Douglas his half-brother, and that he
kissed, habitually, every nigger child he met, and frowned so severially
onto white children ez to throw em into spasms, and other items uv
information uv wich, livin in the North, I wuz ignorant. Ez I remarked,
he isn't popular down here, and, cood hardly be elected to Congris from
this Deestrick. The tea party broke up shortly after, Pollock winkin at
me villainously ez he left the house, feelin good to think how he hed
opened a old sore. That Pollock needs watchin.

                                  PETROLEUM V. NASBY,
                  Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.




XVIII.

A Cry of Exultation.--A Gleam of Light.


                                                  CONFEDRIT × ROADS
                                  (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky),
                                                      April 2, 1866.

Kin it be? Is it troo, or is it not troo? Is Androo Johnson all my fancy
painted him, or is he still a heaven-defying persekooter uv the
Democratic Saints? That's wat I and some thousands uv waitin souls wood
go suthin handsome to know.

I confess I never quite lost faith in Androo.

Pro-slavery Democracy sticks to a man ez does the odor uv the gentle
skunk to clothes, and it is got rid uv only by the same means, to-wit,
buryin the victim thereof.

Androo started out to be a Moses, and he is one; but I think he's
changed his Israelites. I onst saw a woman skinnin live eels, and I
reproached her, saying,--

"Woman, why skinnest thou eels alive? Doth it not pain em?"

"Nary!" retorted she. "I've skinned em this way for going on to 20
years, and they're used to it."

Even so. The negroes hev bin in bondage so long that they're used to it,
and Androo feelin a call to continue in the Moses biznes, hez, I hope,
turned his attention to the Dimocrisy. It's us he's a-goin to lead up
out uv the Egypt uv wretchedness we've bin in for neerly five years;
it's US that's a-goin to quit brick making without straw, and go up into
the Canaan wich is runnin with the milk and honey uv public patronage.
We shel hev sum fites: there's Amakelitish post masters and Phillistine
collectors to displace, but with a second Jaxon at our hed what can we
fear?

I feel to-night like a young colt. To me it seems ez though my venerable
locks, wich hangs scantily about my temples, hed grown black agin, and
that my youth was returnin. Ef I hed any notion uv sooiside, them idea
is dismist. I'm young agin. Wat hez worked this change? you ask. It's
the proclamation declarin the war at an end, and withdrawin from the
Dimocratic States the odious hirelins uv the tyrant Linkin, and the doin
away uv that terrible marshal law. That's wat's done it for me. Now I
feel like sayin, with one uv old, "Mine eyes hev seed thy glory; let thy
servant depart in peace."

We hev bin dooly subjoogated some time, and a waitin for this. We wantid
it, and longed for it ez the hart does for the water course, and
considerably more, onless the hart wuz thirsty in the extreme. For now
we are in the Yoonyun agin; we are under the shadder uv that glorious
old flag wich protects all men ceptin niggers and ablishnists. The
nigger is left to be adjustid by us, who is to be governed by the laws
wich control labor and capital. Certenly he is--uv coarse. I saw two uv
my neighbors adjustin one last nite. They wuz doin it with a paddle,
wich wuz bored full uv holes. He didn't seem to enjoy it ez much ez they
did. By that proclamation our states are agin under their own control.
Let em go at wunst to work to destroy all the vestiges uv the crooel war
through wich they hev past. There aint no solgers now to interfere, for
the policy uv keepin soldiers in and among free people is abhorrent to
freedom and humanity. Go to work at wunst, and build up the broken walls
uv your Zion.

We must hev Peace and unanimity; and Peace cannot dwell among us onless
there's a oneness uv purpose and sentiment. To prokoor this is yoor fust
dooty. If there be among you them ez opposed yoo doorin yoor late
struggle for Rites, hist em. Their presence is irritatin, and kin not be
tolerated. Ablishunism is as abhorrent now as ever, and the sooner yoo
are rid uv it the better. It is safe to assume that every man who
opposed the lately deceased confederacy is a Ablishnist.

The next step, and the most important, is to tear down the nigger school
houses and churches wich hev bin built here and there, and kindly take
the nigger by the ear, and lead him back to his old quarters, wich is
his normal position. The Yankee school teachers sent here by Freedmen's
Aid Societies shood properly be hung for spreadin dissatisfaction and
spellin books among the niggers, but I wood advise mercy and
consiliation. Tar and featherin, with whippins, will perhaps do ez well,
and will go to show the world that our justice is tempered with charity;
that we kin be generous ez well ez just. Yoor Legislatures shood be
instantly called together, and proper laws for the government uv the
Freedmen should be passed. Slavery is abolisht, and the people must live
up to the requirements of the act in good faith. I protest agin any
violation uv good faith, but labor must be done, for the skripter
commands it, and our frail nature demands wat cant be got without it. We
don't like to do it, but shel skripter be violated? Not at all. The
nigger must do it hisself, not ez a slave, for slavery is abolished, but
ez a free man. Ethiopean citizens uv Amerikin descent (wich is
mulatters), and full-blooded blacks, and all hevin in the veins a taint
uv Afrikin blood, must be restrained gently, and for their own good, I
suggest laws ez follows:--

1. They must never leave the plantation onto wich they are, when this
act goes into effect, without a pass from the employer, under penalty uv
bein shot.

2. They shel hev the privilege uv suein everybody uv their own color, ef
they kin give white bail for costs.

3. They shel hev the full privilege uv bein sued the same ez white
folks.

4. They shel be competent ez witnesses in cases in wich they are not
interested, but their testimony is to go for nothin ef it is opposed by
the testimony uv a white man or another nigger.

5. No nigger shel be allowed to buy or lease real estate outside uv any
incorporated city, town, or village.

6. No nigger shel be allowed to buy or lease real estate within any
incorporated city, town, or village, except as hereinafter provided for,
to wit:--

He shel give notice uv his desires by publication for six consecutive
weeks in some noosepaper uv general circulation in sed village, for wich
publication he shel pay invariably in advance. He shel then give bonds,
in sich sums ez the mayor shel decide, that neither he, nor any uv his
ancestors, or descendants, or relations, will ever become public
charges, and will always behave themselves with doo humility, the
bondsmen to be white men and freeholders. Then the mayor shel cause a
election to be proclaimed, and if the free white citizens shel vote
"yea" unanimously, he shel be allowed to buy or lease real estate. If
there is a dissenting vote, then he shel be put onto the chain gang for
six months for his impudence in makin sich a request.

7. Their wages shel be sich ez they and the employers shel mutually
agree; but that the negroes may not become luxurious and effeminate,
wich two things is vices wich goes to sap the simplicity and strength uv
a people, the sum shel never exceed $5 per month, but not less than
enuff in all cases to buy him one soot uv close per annum, wich the
employer shel purchase hisself.

8. The master shell hev the privilege uv addin to this code sich other
rules and regulations for their proper government ez may strike him ez
being good for em from time to time.

These provisions sekure the nigger in all the rites wich kin reasonably
be asked for him, just elevated ez he is from slavery, and thrown upon
the world, ignorant of the dooties of his new position and status. He is
simple, and needs the guidin hand uv the stronger race.

My hart is too full to make further suggestions. Organized into a
tabloo, with the constitooshun in one hand (wich beloved instrument
kivers a great deal of ground), a scar-bangled spanner in the other, and
a tramplin on a bloo coat wich I stript orf uv a returned nigger solger
wich wuz sick, I exultinly exclaim, "The Union ez it is is ez good ez
the Union ez it wuz. 'Ror!"

                                  PETROLEUM V. NASBY,
                  Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.




XIX.

A Wail of Anguish.--The Passage of the Civil Rights Bill over the Veto.


                                                  CONFEDRIT × ROADS
                                  (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky),
                                                      April 9, 1866.

I am a kittle full of cusses.

Under me is a burnin fire uv rage, wich is bein continyooally fed with
the oil uv disappointment.

And I bile over.

The civil rites bill, wich our Moses put his foot into, we thought wuz
dead.

And we fired great guns, and hung out our flags, wich we laid aside in
1860, and made a joyful noise.

For we said, one unto another, Lo! he is a true Moses, inasmuch ez he is
a leadin us out uv the wilderness.

The civil rites bill wuz the serpent wat bit us, and he histed it, that
we might look and live.

Now let us be joyful!

For the Ethiopian is delivered into our hands, bound hand and foot.

Blessed be Moses!

We will make him grind our corn; but he shel not eat thereof.

Blessed be Moses!

We will make him tread out our wheat; but we will muzzle his mouth.

Blessed be Moses!

He shall pick our cotton; but the hire he receiveth, he shall stick in
his eye without injuring the sight thereof.

Blessed be Moses!

He shall toil in the sugar mill; but the sugar shall he not sell.

Blessed be Moses!

His sweat shall nourish our corn; but he shall eat nary ear thereof.

Blessed be Moses!

We will burn his school houses, and destroy his spelling books (for
shall the nigger be our superior?), and who shall stay our hand?

The skool teachers we will tar and feather, and whar is the bloo-koted
hirelins to make us afeerd?

Blessed be Moses!

We looked at the nigger, and said, Ha, ha! the last state uv that
chattle is wuss nor the fust; for before, we hed his labor while he wuz
strong and healthy, but hed to take care on him when he wuz sick and
old; and now we kin git his labor without the care.

Blessed be Moses!

The Ablishnists cast out one devil, and garnished the room; but there
wuz seven devils more stronger and hungrier, which rushed in and
pre-empted the premises.

Blessed be Moses!

But our song uv joy wuz turned into a wale uv anguish.

Moses sought to hist the serpent, but the serpent histed him.

He's on a pole, and the bitin North wind is a blowin onto him.

He can't get up any higher, because his pole ain't any longer; and he
cant't get down, because he ain't no place to light onto.

He vetoed the bills, and Congress hez vetoed him; the civil rights bill
they passed in a uncivil manner.

Now, bein the nigger hez rights, he is our ekal.

Our ekil is the nigger now, and onless the skool house is burned, and
the spellin books destroyed, he will soon be our superior.

We wuz willin to give him the right uv bein sued; but, alas! he kin sue.

He kin be a witness agin us, and he kin set his face agin ourn.

Our wise men may make laws to keep him in his normal speer, but uv wat
avail is they?

We kin buy and sell him no more, neither he nor his children.

The men will cleave unto their wives, and the wives unto their husbands,
and our hand is powerlis to separate em.

Their children kin we no more put up at auction, and sell to the highest
bidder, we pocketing joyfully the price thereof.

They hev become sassy and impudent, and say, "Go to; are we not men?"

I bade one git orf the sidewalk, and he bade me be damned.

I chucked a nearly white one under the chin, and smiled onto her, and
she squawked; and her husband, hearin the squawk thereof, came up and
bustid my head, even as a white man wood hev dun.

I chastised wun who gave me lip; and he sood me, a Caucashun, for
assault and battery, and got a judgment!

Wale! for Moses put out his hand to save us these indignities, but his
hand wuz too weak.

We killed Linkin in vain.

Our Moses is playin Jaxon. He fancieth he resembleth him, becoz his
inishals is the same.

He resembleth Jaxon muchly--in that Jaxon hed a policy wich he cood
carry out, while our Moses hez a policy wich he can't carry out.

And ez he can't carry out his policy, the people are carryin it out for
him.

Wich they do, a holdin it at arm's length, and holdin their noses.

Moses is a cake half baked; he is hot on one side, and cold on tother.

He darsn't let go uv Ablishnism, and is afeerd to come to us.

He hez been takin epsom salts and epecac; and one is workin up, and the
other is workin down.

Where kin we look for comfort?

Do we turn to the people? Connecticut answers, "'Ror for Hawley!" and
Noo Hampshier goes Ablishun.

Do we turn to the courts? Lo! Taney hez gone to his reward--him who
aforetime dealt out Dimekratic justice, and who understood the nacher uv
the nigger,--and Chase, who is pizen, reigns in his stead.

Raymond is growin weak in the knees, and Doolittle is a broken reed on
which to lean.

We are too short at both ends.

Shall we go to Brazil? Lo! there they put niggers in office.

Mexico holds out her hands to us; but, lo! the nigger is considered a
man.

We hev no escape from the Etheopian; he is around us, and about us, and
on top uv us.

I see no post orfis in the distance, no hope for the future.

Hed I been a Ablishunist, so ez to make the thing safe in the next
world, I shood be glad to die, and quit this.

For my sole is pregnant with grief; my hart bugs out with woe.

                                  PETROLEUM V. NASBY,
                  Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.




XX.

Mournful View of the Situation.


                                                  CONFEDRIT × ROADS
                                  (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky),
                                                     April 26, 1866.

The work uv death is a goin on. The sakred precepts uv the Holy
Skripters is bein daily violated by an insane majority, who hev
substitooted their own noshens for the safe and pleasant revelashens uv
Holy Writ, and the practices of their fathers.

Cood Noah, when he cussed Ham, and declared that he shood be a servant
unto his brethren, hev foreseen how his cuss wood hev bin disregarded in
these degenerate days, he wood, I boldly assert (and I make the
assertion from wat I know uv the character uv that eminent navigator),
hev kep sober, and not cusst Ham at all. For wat's the yoose uv sich a
cuss ef it's to be removed jist when you want it to stick? Hed it bin
taken off afore cotton wuz profitable, and afore the Southern people hed
learned to depend onto their labor, it wouldent hev bin so bad, and they
cood hev endoored it without murmurin. But, alars! not only is the South
in a state of abject cussitood, but the Northern Dimocrasy is likewise.

The case stood thuswise: The South depended on the Nigger; and the
Northern politicians, like me, depended on the South. The nigger wuz the
foundashun upon wich the entire structur rested; and now that he's
knocked out, it falls.

I wuz in Washington the other day, and wuz a unwillin witnis uv a scene
wich filled me with unutterable disgust. The niggers wuz a celebratin
suthin connected with their onnatural removal from their normal
condishun, and wuz a paradin the streets with bands uv music, and with
banners and inscriptions. They hed the impudence to dress up in good
clothes,--clothes wich I cood not afford to wear,--and three uv the
impudent cusses hed the ashoorance to go so far in their imitation of
human beins ez to make speeches; and to my horrer, the mass uv em hed
ben so well trained by somebody that they actily cheered, and ez near ez
I cood make out got in the applause at the right place, and all without
the assistance uv a indivijjle to commence applaudin at the right time,
wich we hev generally found nessary at Dimmekratic meetins.

Their inscripshuns wuz insultin. They hed em all spelt rite, and; they
wuz full uv aloosions to ekal rites, and onqualifyed suffrage, and sich,
planely showin that the poor, misguided critters hed no idee that they
wuz loaded down with a cuss, and that becoz uv that cuss they hed no
rites watever.

In Richmond I saw other evidences uv the terrible breakin down uv the
barriers wich Noah set up atween the races. I wuz sittin in a hoss car,
when a nigger hed the onparalleled asshoorence to enter and set down. I
remonstrated with the chattel, who laft in my face.

Thus the old landmarks is bein removed, and thus the foundations uv
society is a bein broken up. I saw in Richmond fair wimmin who hed, in
olden times, never known wat labor wuz, a washin dishes, and cookin
their own vittles; and I saw men, who hed wunst lived luxuriously on the
labor uv a hundred niggers, now drivin drays, and sellin dry goods and
groceries, and sich, and my soul sunk within me. Wuz the cuss a mistake?
Wuz the nigger not the race that wuz cussed? or has he becum so
bleached, so lost in the white by amalgamation, that there ain't enough
uv the black left in each indivijjle for the cuss to hang to.

Andrew Johnson! in your hands rests our cause; on your ackshen depends
our weal or woe! Yoo, and yoo alone, kin remedy this. Wat if a corrupt
and radikle Congress does override your vetoes, and legislate for these
cuss-ridden people? Yoo hev yet a power wich yoo must not hesitate to
make em feel. Clear out the rump Congress; declare our Southern brethren
entitled to their seats, and see that they hev em. The Dimocrisy uv the
North, wich wuz latterly for peece, are now fur war. They will sustain
yoo. Reverse yoor ackshen, and yoo kin attach em to yoo with hooks uv
steel. There ain't no risk in it--nary risk. Turn the Ablishnists out uv
the Post Offices, and replace em with Democrats; let it be understood
that yoo hev come back to your fust love, and no longer abide in the
tents uv Ablishunism,--and all will be well. Talk less uv yoor policy,
and put more uv it into acts. Combine Post Offices with Policy, and
proclaim that only he who sustains the latter shel hev the former, and
yoo kin depend on the entire Democrisy North. We are waitin anxiously.
From the South comes up the cry, wich the North reëkkoes.

Will Androo Johnson, wich Ablishnists call Moses, but wich we, for
obvious reasons, style the 2d Jaxon, heed that cry? or will he persist
in clingin to the black idol he embraced four years ago?

                                  PETROLEUM V. NASBY,
                  Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.




XXI.

A Psalm of Gladness.--The Veto of the Civil Rights Bill, and other
Matters, occasioning a Feeling of Thankfulness in the Minds of the
Democracy.


                                                  CONFEDRIT × ROADS
                                  (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky),
                                                        May 1, 1866.

I am a canary, a nightengale. A lark, am I.

I raise my voice in song. I pour forth melojus notes.

I am a lamb, wich frisketh, and waggeth his tale, and leapeth, ez he
nippeth the tender grass. I am a colt, wich kicketh up its heels
exuberantly.

I am a bridegroom, wich cometh from his bride in the mornin feelin
releeved in the knowledge that she wore not palpitators, nor false
calves, nor nothin false, afore she wuz hizn.

I am a steamboat captin with a full load, a doggry keeper on a Saturday
nite, a sportin man with four aces in his hand.

All these am I, and more.

For we sought to establish ourselves upon a rock, but found that the
underpinnin wuz gone out uv it.

Even slavery wuz our strong place, and our hope; but the corners hed bin
knocked out uv it.

The sons uv Belial hed gone forth agin it. Massachusetts hed assailed
it, and the North West hed drawd its bow agin it.

Wendell Phillips hed pecked out wun stun, Garret Smith another; and the
soljers hed completed what they hed begun.

And Congris, even the Rump, hed decreed its death, and hed held forth
its hand to Ethiopia.

It passed a bill givin the Niggers their rites, and takin away from us
our rites:

Sayin, that no more shel we sell em in the market place,

Or take their wives from em,

Or be father to their children,

Or make uv em conkebines aginst their will,

Or force em to toil without hire,

Or shoot em, ez we wuz wont to do under the old dispensashun,

Or make laws for em wich didn't bind us as well.

And our hearts wuz sad in our buzzums; for we said, Lo! the nigger is
our ekal; and we mourned ez them hevin no hope.

But the President, even Androo, the choice uv Booth, said, Nay.

And the bill wuz vetoed, and is no law; and our hearts is made glad.

And from the Ohio to the Gulf shel go up the song uv gladness and the
sounds uv mirth.

The nigger will we slay, for he elevated his horn agin us.

We will make one law for him and another for us, and he will sigh for
the good old times when he wuz a slave in earnest.

His wife shel be our conkebine, ef she is fair to look upon; and ef he
murmurs, we'll bust his head.

His daughters shel our sons possess; and their inkrease will we sell,
and live upon the price they bring.

In our fields they shel labor; but the price uv their toil shel make us
fat.

Sing, O my soul!

The nigger hed become sassy and impudent, and denied that he wuz a
servant unto his brethren.

He sheltered hisself behind the Freedman's Burow, and the Civil Rites
Bill, and the soldiery, and he wagged his lip at us, and made mouths at
us.

And we longed to git at him, but because of these we durst not.

But now who shell succor him.

We will smite him hip and thigh, onless he consents to be normal.

Our time uv rejoicin is come.

In Kentucky, the soldiers voted,--them ez wuz clothed in gray,--and we
routed the Abolishnists.

Three great capchers hev we made: New Orleens we capcherd, Kentucky we
capcherd, and the President--him who aforetime strayed from us--we
capcherd.

Rejoice, O my soul! for yoor good time, wich wuz so long a comin, is
come.

We shel hev Post Offisis, and Collectorships, and Assessorships, and
Furrin Mishns, and Route Agencies, and sich; and on the proceeds thereof
will we eat, drink, and be merry.

The great rivers shel be whisky, the islands therein sugar, the streems
tributary lemon joose and bitters, and the faithful shel drink.

Whisky shel be cheap; for we shel hold the offises, and kin pay; and the
heart uv the barkeeper shel be glad.

The Ablishnist shel hang his hed; and we will jeer him, and flout him,
and say unto him, "Go up, bald head!" and no bears shel bite us; for,
lo! the President is our rock, and in him we abide.

Blessed be Booth, who give us Androo.

Blessed be the veto, wich makes the deed uv Booth uv sum account to us.

Blessed be Moses, who is a leadin us out uv the wilderness, into the
Canaan flowin with milk and honey.

                                  PETROLEUM V. NASBY,
                  Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.




XXII.

The Reconstructed meet to Congratulate the Country upon the Result of
the Memphis Outbreak.--The Reverend discourses upon the Nigger, and runs
against a Snag.


                                                  CONFEDRIT × ROADS
                                  (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky),
                                                       May 12, 1866.

The news from Memphis filled the soles uv the Dimocrisy uv Kentucky with
undilooted joy. There, at last, the Ethiopian wuz taught that to him, at
least, the spellin book is a seeled volume, and that the gospel is not
for him, save ez he gits it filtered through a sound, constooshnel,
Dimekratic preacher. We met at the Corners last nite to jollify over the
brave acts uv our Memphis frends, and I wuz the speeker. I addressed
them on the subjick uv the nigger,--his wants, needs, and capacities,--a
subjick, permit me to state, I flatter myself I understand.

Probably no man in the Yoonited States hez given the nigger more study,
or devoted more time to a pashent investigashen uv this species uv the
brute creashen, than the undersigned. I have contemplated him sittin and
standin, sleepin and wakin, at labor and in idleness,--in every shape,
in fact, ceptin ez a free man, wich situashen is too disgustin for a
proud Caucashen to contemplate him; and when he ariz before my mind's
eye in that shape, I alluz turned shuddrin away.

I hed proceeded in my discourse with a flowin sale. It's easy
demonstratin anythin yoor awjence wants to beleeve, and wich their
interest lies in. For instants, I hev notist wicked men, who wuz
somewhat wedded to sin, genrally lean toward Universalism; men heavily
developed in the back uv the neck are easily convinst uv the grand
trooths uv free love; and them ez is too fond uv makin money to rest on
the seventh day, hev serious doubts ez to whether the observance uv the
Sabbath is bindin onto em. I, not likin to work at all, am a firm
beleever in slavery, and wood be firmer ef I cood get start enuff to own
a nigger.

I hed gone on and proved concloosively, from a comparison uv the
fizzikle structer uv the Afrikin and the Caucashen, that the nigger wuz
a beast, and not a human bein; and that, consekently, we hed a perfeck
rite to catch him, and tame him, and yoose him ez we do other wild
animals. Finishin this hed uv my discourse, I glode easily into a
history uv the flood; explained how Noer got tite and cust Ham,
condemnin him and his posterity to serve his brethren forever, wich I
insisted give us an indubitable warranty deed to all uv em for all time.

I warmed up on this elokently. "Behold, my brethren, the beginnin uv
Dimocrasy," I sed. "Fust, the wine (which wuz the antetype of our
whisky) wuz the beginnin. Wine (or whisky) wuz necessary to the
foundation uv the party, and it wuz forthcomin. But the thing was not
complete. It did its work on Noer, but yet there wuz a achin void. There
was no _Nigger_ in the world, and without nigger there could be no
Dimocracy. Ham, my friends, wuz born a brother uv Japhet, and wuz like
unto him, and, uv course, could not be a slave. Whisky wuz the
instrument to bring him down; and it fetched him. Ham looked upon his
father, and was cust; and the void wuz filled. THERE WUZ NIGGER AND
WHISKY, and upon them the foundashuns uv the party wuz laid, broad and
deep. Methinks, my brethren, when Ham went out from the presence uv his
father, black in the face ez the ace uv spades (ef I may be allowed to
yoose the expression), bowin his back to the burdens Shem and Japhet
piled onto him with alacrity, that Democracy, then in the womb uv the
future, kicked lively, and clapped its hands. There wuz a nigger to
enslave, and whisky to bring men down to the pint uv enslavin him. There
wuz whisky to make men incapable uv labor; whisky to accompany horse
racin, and poker playin, and sich rational amoosements, and a nigger
cust especially that he mite sweat to furnish the means. Observe the
fitniss uv things. Bless the Lord, my brethren, for whisky and the
nigger; for, without em, there could be no Dimocrisy, and yoor beloved
speaker mite hev owned a farm in Noo Jersey, and bin a votin the whig
ticket to-day."

At this pint, a venerable old freedman, who wuz a sittin quietly in the
meetin, ariz, and asked ef he mite ask a question. Thinkin what a
splendid opportoonity there wood be uv demonstratin the sooperiority uv
the Caucashen over the Afrikin race, I answered "Yes," gladly.

"Well, Mas'r," sed the old imbecile, "is I a beest?"

"My venerable friend, there ain't nary doubt uv it."

"Is my old woman a old beastesses, too?"

"Indubitably," replied I.

"And my children--is they little beasts and beastesses?"

"Onquestionably."

"Den a yaller feller ain't but a half a beast, is he?"

"My friend," sed I, "that question is--"

"Hold on," sed he; "wat I wanted to git at is dis: dere's a heap uv
yaller fellers in dis section, whose fadders must hev bin white men;
and, ez der mudders wuz all beastesses, I want to know whedder dar ain't
no law in Kentucky agin--"

"Put him out!" "Kill the black wretch!" shouted a majority uv them who
hed bin the heaviest slave owners under the good old patriarkle system,
and they went for the old reprobate. At this pint, a officer uv the
Freedmen's Bureau, who we hedn't observed, riz, and, bustin with
laughter, remarked that his venerable friend shood have a chance to be
heerd. We respeck that Burow, partikelerly ez the officers generally hev
a hundred or two bayonets within reech, and, chokin our wrath, permitted
ourselves to be further insulted by the cussed nigger, who, grinnin from
ear to ear, riz and perceeded.

"My white friends," sed he, "dar pears to be an objection to my
reference to de subjeck uv dis mixin with beasts, so I won't press de
matter. But I ask yoo, did Noer hev three sons?"

"He did," sed I.

"Berry good. Wuz dey all brudders?"

"Uv course."

"Ham come from the same fadder and mudder as the odder two?"

"C-e-r-t-i-n-l-y."

"Well, den, it seems to me--not fully understandin the skripters--dat if
we is beasts and beastesses, dat you is beasts and beastesses also, and
dat, after all, we is brudders." And the disgustin old wretch threw his
arms around my neck, and kissed me, callin me his "long lost brudder."

The officer uv the Freedmen's Bureau laft vosiferously, and so did a
dozen or two soljers in the crowd likewise; and the awjence slunk out
without adjournin the meetin, one uv em remarkin, audibly, that he had
notised one thing, that Dimocrisy wuz extremely weak whenever it
undertook to defend itself with fax or revelashun. For his part, he'd
done with argyment. He wanted niggers, because he cood wallop em, and
make em do his work without payin em, wich he coodent do with white men.

I left the meetin house convinst that the South, who worked the niggers,
leavin us Northern Dimokrats to defend the system, hed the best end uv
the bargain.

                                  PETROLEUM V. NASBY,
                  Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.




XXIII.

The Workings of the Freedmen's Bureau.--A Report.


                                                  CONFEDRIT × ROADS
                                  (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky),
                                                       May 27, 1866.

TO HIS EGGSLENCY THE DISPENSER UV POST ORIFICES, ANDROO JOHNSON,
PRESIDENT UV THE UNITED STATES:

In akordance with yoor esteemed request, dated the 25th, and received
this morning, I to-wunst proceeded to make doo enquiry ez to the workin
uv the Freedmen's Burow, and the condishun uv the Afrikin citizens uv
Amerikin descent in this vicinity. The fact that a Ablishnist still
holds the Post Orifice at the Corners (wich place, by the way, I hev
been solicited to accept), interfered materially with the bizines I hed
in hand. I to-wunst tooted the horn, ez is the custom when we hev
religious servis, and called my congregashun together. They kum runnin
in from the different groceries; and here another difficulty ensood. The
grosery keepers wanted to know what we wuz a going to hev meetin on week
days for? They wuz willin to shut up doorin meetin time on Sundays, ez
they respected the church, and it give em time to sweep out the
terbacker, et settery; but they'd be d----d ef they wuz a goin to hev
the people pulled away from their nourishment on week days. I succeeded
in pacifyin em, and went in at wunst examinin the leadin citizens. Their
testimony is ez follows:--

CAPTIN SKELPER

Wuz a nigger owner afore the war, and durin the late fratrisidle
struggle wuz a captan in the confedrit servis. Wuz with Ginral Forest at
Fort Pillow. Hez hed much experence with niggers. Bleeves em to be
adapted to the climit uv Kentucky, and much more able to stand the hot
sun than the whites. When they wuz slaves, never knowd em to refooze to
work; know they alluz did work, becoz he generally stood over em with a
nigger whip. Since they hev bin free, hez notist a change; not much uv a
change, ontil the Nigger Burow wuz establisht. Before that they'd take
sich wages ez yoo chose to give em; since then the d----d heathen will
stand out bout ez the white men do, and won't work at all onless yoo
meet their views, wich made a heap up trouble, and materially retarded
the develment uv the country. The Burow hed corrupted the female
niggers; ez they hed all bin legally married by the Chaplins to the men
they'd lived with, and wuz so sot on livin with em, that there's no
yoose uv yoor tryin to get a house wench unless yoo took her husband
also. His wife wuz now doin degradin work at home for want uv help.
Strongly urged the abrogashen uv the Burow, and the removal uv the
Abolishun Postmaster at the Corners.

DEACON MCGRATH

Wuz eggsamined. Wuz convinst in his own mind that the Afrikin wuz now
out uv his normal speer, and that the infernal Burow wuz at the bottom
uv it. The nigger, afore the Burow come around, wuz docile and easly
controlled. His boy Joe wuz wunst a model nigger. He'd get up every
mornin at 4 A.M. (wich means in the mornin), and work every day till
after dark. Ez soon ez he wuz emancipated, ez they called it, and the
Burow come, I told him to get up, one mornin; and he told me,
impudently, that he'd concluded he woodent. I undertook to chastise him
with a fence stake, whereupon he sailed in, and whaled me; and the
Burow, to which I applied for redress, larft in my face. He left, and is
now draggin out a mizerable existence in Ohio, on the beggarly pittance
uv two dollars a day, and my farm is runnin to weeds. He conclooded by
givin it ez his solemn opinion that he never cood be reconciled to the
Government so long ez the Burow wuz tolerated, and that Ablishnist held
the Post Orifis at the Corners.

GINERAL DINGES

Considered the Burow a inkubus upon the State. It interfered between
master and servant. Cood git along better ef the nigger wuz left to the
nateral laws wich regulates capital and labor. Tried to keep his
niggers, and did keep em the past summer till after the crop wuz in, and
then tried to settle with em for four dollars a month, with sich
deductions for food, sickness, and brakin tools, et settry, ez wuz just.
Brought the niggers, all uv em, in my debt, and generously proposed to
let em work it out choppin cord wood doorin the winter. Hauled me up
afore the Burow, and wuz forst to pay em each $15 per month. Consider
the Burow ez all that stands in the way uv rekonstruction, though the
removal uv the Ablishun Postmaster at the Corners and the appintment uv
a sound constooshnel Dimekrat wood grately assist in conciliatin the
Kentucky mind.

I tried to get some nigger testimony, but cood elicit nothing worth
while. One nigger, who spends the heft uv his time at the Corners, wuz
opposed to the Burow becoz it stopt rations on him. And Lucy, a
octoroon, who formerly belonged to, and still resides with, Elder Gavitt
(who is now absent ez a delegate to a Southern religious convention at
Louisville), testified that the Burow "wuz no grate shakes," becoz bein
ez the Elder wuz a widower, and the father uv all her children, and bein
she's a free woman, she askt the agent to make the Elder marry her, and
he woodn't do it. But sich evidence is irrelevant, and I didn't consider
it worth while botherin yoor Eggslency with it. Both, however, strongly
insisted on the removal uv the Ablishun Postmaster at the Corners.

ABSLUM PETTUS

Wuz convinst the Burow wuz agin the prosperity uv the State, and wuz
underminin the moral and physikle welfare uv the nigger. It made him
impudent. Hed sum uv em workin for him, and notist at noons and nites
he'd find em with a spellin-book and a reader. Didn't bleeve in readin.
Coodent read hisself, but hed a cousin wunst who learned; but ez soon ez
he cood read he moved off to Injeanny, quit the Democrisy, and becum a
loathsum Ablishnist. Heerd he wuz killed in the war, and served him
rite. Wanted to know what we wood do when the niggers cood all read.
Sposed we'd hev to 'lect em to offis, ez the people alluz selected sich,
when they cood find em. Didn't bleeve in nigger equality, and wuz in
favor uv a imediate change in the post orfice at the Corners.

CAPTIN MCSLATHER thought things hed cum to a sweet old pass, when a man
coodn't lather a nigger without bein hauled up afore a Burow.

KURNEL PELTER thought ef yoor Eggsolency cood witness the corupshun that
eggsisted in the Burow, yoo'd make short work uv it. Why, he whipped a
nigger hand more than he ought, perhaps, and he died uv the injuries. It
wuz a aggravatin case. The nigger wuz sassy, and it cost three hundred
and sixteen dollars to pervide for his family. That infamous Burow made
me pay for their rashens all winter. He asked, indignantly, ef this wuz
or wuz not a free kentry into, wich such things wuz permitted. And the
Ablishen Postmaster at the Corners approved the tyranikle action. He
demanded his removal.

I conceive it to be onnecessary to submit further testimony. I know not
what luck yoor other commissioners may hev met with in takin testimony
on this subjick; but in this vicinity there can't be no doubt that there
can't be that love for the Government, without wich free instooshens
won't flourish to any alarmin extent, ontil this monster is squelched.
The testimony is unanimous, and them ez I hev eggsamined are
representative men.

You may hev notist, also, the singler unanimity with wich they all bore
testimony to the necessity uv a change in the Post Orifis at the
Corners. I endorse all they say on this question, considerin that that
change is ez necessary in the grate work uv pacifyin and consiliation ez
is the removal of the Burow. In case a change is made, I would say, for
your guidance, that I hev been warmly solicited by my friends to accept
the position, and to pacify em, hev at last yielded a reluctant consent.
The fact that I never served in the Confederate army may be an
objection; but, to offset that, I voted for Vallandygum twice.

Ef possible, send me a pardon at the same time yoo send me my commission
ez Post Master; for, if the Post Offis don't pay, I may want to run for
some other office, in wich event that document would be essential to my
success.

With sentiments uv the most profound respek,

                          I am
                            Trooly yours,
                                  PETROLEUM V. NASBY,
                  Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.




XXIV.

Presides at a Church Trial.


                                                  CONFEDRIT × ROADS
                                  (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky),
                                                       June 9, 1866.

They hed a ruction in the church at the Corners yisterday, wich bid fair
to result in a rendin uv the walls of our Zion, and the tearin down uv
the temple we hev reared with so much care and hev guarded with so much
solissitood. When I say "we," I mean the members thereof, ez the church
wuz reorganized sence the war by returned Confedrit soljers and sich
Dimokrats ez remaned at home nootrel; but inasmuch ez I am the only
reglerly ordained Dimokratic paster in these parts I ginerly conduct the
services, and hentz hev insensibly fell into a habit uv speekin uv the
church ez "my" church, and I feel all the solissitood for its spiritooal
and temporal welfare that I cood ef I wuz reglerly ordained ez its
paster, wich I expect to be ef I fail in gettin that post offis at the
Corners, wich is now held by a Ablishnist uv the darkest dye, wich
President Johnson, with a stubbornness I can't account for, persistently
refooses to remove.

The case wuz suthin like this:--

Deekin Pogram wuz charged by Elder Slather with hevin, in broad daylite,
with no attempt at concealment, drunk with a nigger, and a free nigger
at that, in Bascom's grocery, and to prove the charge Deekin Slather
called Deekin Pennibacker.

The Deekin wuz put onto the stand, and testified ez follows:--

"Wuz in Bascom's grocery a playin seven up for the drinks with Deekin
Slather, Hed jist beet the Deekin one game and hed four on the second,
and held high, low, and jack, and wuz modritly certin uv goin out,
partiklerly ez the Deekin didn't beg. Wuz hevin a little discussion with
him--the Deekin insistin that it wuz the best three in five, instead uv
the best two in three, jest ez though a man cood afford to play five
games between drinks! The ijee is preposterous and unheard of, and ther
ain't no precedent for any sich course. We wuz settlin the dispoot in
regler orthodox style--he hed his fingers twisted in my neck
handkercher, and I held a stick uv stove wood suspended over his head.
While in this position we wuz transfixed with horror at seein Deekin
Pogram enter, arm-in-arm with a nigger, and,--"

_The Court_.--Arm-in-arm, did you say, Brother Pennibacker?

_Witness_.--Certainly.

_The Court_.--The scribe will make a minnit uv this. Go on.

_Witness_.--They cum in together, ez I sed, arm-in-arm, walked up to the
bar, and drank together.

_By the Court_.--Did they drink together?

_Witness_.--They ondeniably did.

_By myself_.--The Court desires to know what partikeler flooid they
absorbed.

_Witness_.--Can't say--spose 'twas Bascom's new whiskey--that's all he's
got, ez the Court very well knows.

_By myself_.--The Sexton will go at once to Bascom's and procoor the
identicle bottle from wich this wretched man, who stands charged with
thus lowerin hisself, drunk, and bring it hither. The Court desires to
know for herself whether it was really whisky. The pint is an important
one for the Court to know.

A wicked boy remarked that the pint wood be better onderstood by the
Court if it wuz a quart. The bottle wuz, however, brought, and the
Court, wich is me, wuz satisfied that it wuz really and trooly whisky.
Ez the refreshin flooid irrigated my parched throat, I wished that
trials based upon that bottle cood be perpetooal.

I considered the case proved, and asked Brother Pogram what palliation
he hed to offer. I set before him the enormity uv the crime, and showed
him that he was by this course sappin the very foundashun uv the Church
and the Democratic party. Wat's the use, I askt, uv my preachin agin
nigger equality, so long ez my Deekins practis it? I told him that Ham
wuz cust by Noer, and wuz condemned to be a servant unto his
brethren--that he wuz an inferior race, that the Dimocrisy wuz built
upon that idea, and that associatin with him in any shape that indicated
equality, wuz either puttin them up to our standard or lowrin ourselves
to theirn; in either case the result wuz fatal. I implored Brother
Pogram to make a clean breast uv it, confess his sin, and humbly receeve
sich punishment ez shood be awarded him, and go and sin no more. "Speak
up, Brother Pogram," sez I, paternally, and yet severely.

Brother Pogram, to my unspeakable relief, for he is the wealthiest
member of the congregashun, and one we darsn't expel, replied,--

"That he DID drink with the nigger, and wat wuz more, he wuz justified
in doin it, for THE NIGGER PAID FOR THE WHISKY!!"

"But shoorly," I remarked, "it wasn't nessary to yoor purpose to come in
with the nigger arm-in-arm,--a attitood wich implies familiarity, ef not
affeckshun."

_The Prisoner_.--The nigger and I hed bin pitchin coppers for drinks,
and I, possessin more akootnis, hed won. I took the nigger by the arm,
fearin that ef I let go uv him he'd dodge without payin. They are
slippery.

Overjoyed, I clasped him around the neck, and to-wunst dismist the
charge as unfounded and frivolous.

"My brethren," sez I, "the action of Brother Pogram is not only
justifiable, but is commendable, and worthy of imitashun. Ham wuz cust
by Noer, and condemned by him to serve his brethren. The nigger is the
descendant of Ham, and we are the descendants uv the brethren, and ef
Noer hed a clear rite to cuss one of his sons, and sell him out to the
balance uv the boys for all time, we hev ded wood on the nigger, for it
is clear that he wuz made to labor for us and minister to our wants. So
it wuz, my brethren, until an Ape, who hed power, interfered and
delivered him out of our hand. Wat shel we do? Wat we cannot do by force
we must do by financeerin. We can't any longer _compel_ the nigger to
furnish us the means, and therefore in order to fulfil the skripter, we
are justified in accomplishing by our sooperior skill wat we used to do
with whips and dorgs.

"The spectacle uv Brother Pogram's marchin into Bascom's with that
nigger wuz a sublime spectacle, and one well calculated to cheer the
heart uv the troo Dimekrat. He hed vanquished him in an encounter where
skill wuz required, thus demonstratin the sooperiority uv the
Anglo-Saxon mind--he led him a captive, and made uv him a spoil.

"Wood, O wood that we all hed a nigger to play with for drinks! The case
is dismissed, the costs to be paid by the complainant!"

The walls uv our Zion is stronger than ever. This trial, ez it resulted,
is a new and strong abutment--a tall and strong tower.

                                  PETROLEUM V. NASBY,
                  Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.




XXV.

Turns a Meeting, called to Indorse General Rosseau, to Account.


                                                  CONFEDRIT × ROADS
                                  (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky),
                                                      June 22, 1866.

There wuz joy at the Corners when the Postmaster (who takes the only
paper wich comes to the office, ceptin a few wich comes to some
demoralized niggers who hev learned to read, and the officers uv the
Freedmen's Burow here) read to the crowd the news uv the canin wich
Rosso, wich is uv Kentucky, give Grinnell. It sent a thrill uv joy
through the State, wich ain't done thrillin yet. Bustin out into nine
harty cheers, we to-wunst organized a meetin for the purpose uv expressin
our feelins on the momentous occasion. The bell wuz rung, the people
gathered together, and I wuz elected Chairman (they alluz elect me to
preside becoz I'm bald-hedded; they think bald heads and dignity is
inseparable), and Deekin Pogram Secretary, with 36 Vice-Presidents--one
for each State. I made a short speech on takin the chair, congratulatin
em on the auspicious event wich called us together. Whereupon a
Committee on Resolutions wuz appinted, wich, after a short absense,
reported ez follows:--

    Whereas, Genral Rosso, a native-born Kentuckian, and therefore a
    gentleman, hevin got into a argument with a Iowa sheep-breeder;
    and,

    Whereas, hevin got the wust uv the argument, he dextrously
    turned it into blackguardin; and,

    Whereas, hevin got the wust uv the blackguardin, he remembered
    the ancient usages uv the chivalrous sons uv the South, and
    caned him; therefore, be it

    _Resolved_, That we, the Dimocrisy uv Confedrit × Roads, wich is
    in the State uv Kentucky, hereby thank General Rosso for his
    manly vindication uv the character uv Kentucky.

    _Resolved_, That we know not wich to admire the most; the dashin
    Gineral's courage in bravin the public sentiment uv the North,
    or his prudence in selectin the smallest and physically weakest
    man in the House to demonstrate onto.

    _Resolved_, That ez Thad Stevens is 70 years uv age, and lame,
    and hardly recovered from his fit uv sickness, we suggest that
    our beloved hero commence a argument with him, feelin that so
    far ez the argument and blackguardin goes the result will be the
    same, only so much more so ez to give him a good excuse for
    killin him, wich wood be doin the South a servis indeed.

    _Resolved_, That the Dimocrisy uv Kentucky hevent felt so good
    sence the Memphis riots.

    _Resolved_, That this manly act uv Gineral Rosso's makes up and
    compensates the South for the outrage he inflicted onto her when
    he jined the vandal host wich devastated her soil, and that
    hereafter he shel be receeved with just the same cordiality ez
    tho he had gone into the Confedrit instid uv the Federal servis.

    _Resolved_, That the thanks uv the Dimocrisy are due the bold,
    brave men who accompanied and stood by General Rosso in this
    vindication uv the Southern spirit.

I put the affirmative, ez is the custom here, it bein the rool, when the
leaders want a thing to pass, never to call for the nays, and it went
through all right. Then I arose, and stated I hed another resolution,
wich I wished to offer, and I read it:--

"_Resolved_, That in retainin in the Post Offis, at the Corners, a
Ablishnist, President Johnson is--"

At this point Deekin Pogram interrupted me. He spozed this meetin wuz
called to congratulate Ginral Rosso, and wat wuz the sense uv mixin up a
paltry Post Offis with a matter uv so much importance ez the canin uv a
Ablishnist? It was clearly out uv order.

I replied,--

"Wood _yoo_ be glad, or wood this congregashun be glad, to hev me in the
Post Orfis in the place uv that Ablishnist?"

The Deekin replied that personally he wood. He had the highest respect
for my massive talents and my excellent qualities uv head and heart, and
besides, he thought probable, ef I got the Post Orfis, he wood stand a
chance uv gettin the nine dollars and sixty-two cents borrowed money I
owed him, and--

I called him to order at once.

Bascom, who keeps the grocery, and who furnishes me with likker (wich I
hev to take for my hair) on the strength uv remittances I am to receeve,
insisted on hearin the resolution ef it wood further my gettin the Post
Orfis, and so did the benevolent gentleman with whom I board, and I
resoomed,--

"I kin see a good reason for incorporatin a resolooshun demandin a
change in the Post Orfis into the proceedins uv this meetin. There wood
be, my friends," sed I, "no yoose uv sendin him a naked resolution
demandin this change, becoz he reseeves hundreds and tens uv hundreds uv
applications for offices every day; in fact, they pile in at sich a rate
that he never opens the half uv them. The Dimocrisy, my brethren, are
alive on this subject. Ef they are to support the President, they want,
and will hev, the post orifises, for uv what use is it to support a man
and pay yoor own expenses? It is plain that the proceedins uv a post
offis meetin wood never reach him, but this, my brethren, goes up to him
from the PEOPLE, endorsin a supporter uv his policy, and ez it will be
the only one he hez reseeved, or will reseeve, he will read it and read
it through, and in the exultation he will feel at bein endorsed by
anybody, who doubts the result? The Post Orifis is mine."

Bascom, the grocery keeper, moved, excitedly, the adoption uv the
resolution. I suggested that I hed better read it, but he sed it made no
difference; he knew it wuz all rite. The benevolent and confidin
individooal I board with seconded the motion, and Deekin Pogram
supported it in a short speech, statin that he understood that it wuz
Brother Nasby's intention, ef he succeeded in procoorin the position, to
devote the first three and a half years' salary towards payin off the
small indebtedness he hed contracted sence he hed honored the town by
residin in it. To all uv wich I blandly smiled an assent, whereupon the
resolution wuz adopted yoonanimusly. Hevin lived here a little risin uv
a year, the vote wuz perfeckly yoonanimous.

My prospex is britenin.

                                  PETROLEUM V. NASBY,
                  Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.




XXVI.

Preaches--The "Prodigal Son"--An Interruption.


                                                  CONFEDRIT × ROADS
                                  (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky),
                                                       July 6, 1866.

I preached last Sabbath, or rather, tried to, from the parable of the
Prodigal Son. We hed a splendid congregashun. I notice a revival of the
work in this part uv the Dimocratic vineyard wich reely cheers me. The
demonstrashun our friends made in Memphis, the canin uv Grinnel by
Rosso, and the call for a Johnson Convenshun in Philadelphia, all, all
hev conspired to comfort the souls uv the Dimocrisy, and encourage em to
renewed effort. It is bringing forth fruit. Only last week five northern
men were sent whirlin out of this section. They dusted in the night to
escape hangin, leavin their goods as a prey for the righteous. Six
niggers hev bin killed and one Burow officer shot. Trooly there is
everything to encourage us.

The house wuz full. The weather wuz hot, and the pleasant incense uv
mingled whiskey, tobacco, and snuff wich ariz wuz grateful to me. The
sun shone in on Deekin Pogram's face ez he gently slept, and when the
sun hits him square I kin alluz tell wher he sets, even ef it is dark.
He drinks apple-jack instead of corn whiskey, and chaws fine cut
tobacker instead uv plug, and consekently when in the pulpit I kin
distinguish the pecooliar aroma uv his breath from those around him.

"My brethren," sed I, "sich uv yoo ez hev Bibles in yoor houses, kin get
somebody to read yoo the parable to wich I shel call yoor attention. A
man, wunst upon a time, hed sons, ez many men hev since, and wun uv em
wuz a tough one. He left his home and went into far countries, makin the
old man shel out his share uv the estate, and he lived high, jist, my
brethren, ez yoor boys do, or rather, did, when they went to Noo
Orleans, in the days when yoo hed a nigger or two wich yoo cood sell to
supply em with money. He played draw poker and faro; he drank fancy
drinks, and boarded at big hotels; and he follered after strange women,
wich'll bust a man quicker nor any one small sin the devil hez yet
invented, ez yoor pastor kin testify. Uv course, his pile give out, and
he got down, my friends, did this ingenuous yooth, to rags and
wretchedness, and ended in being an overseer uv swine. What did he do?
He ariz and went to his father, and the old man saw him afar off, and
went out to meet him, and fell onto his neck, and give him a order for a
soot of clothes and a pair uv boots, and put a ring onto his finger, and
made a feast, killin for the purpose the fatted calf wich he hed saved
for another occasion.

"My friends, you kin find in the Skripter suthin applicable to every
occasion, and this parable fits the present time like a ready-made coat.
The South is the Prodigal Son. We went out from our father's house on a
expedition wich heznt proved altogether a success. We spent our share uv
the estate, and a little more. We run through with our means, and hev
cum down to rags, and dirt, and filth, and hunger. We are, and hev bin
some time, a chawin husks. We run out after them twin harlots, Slavery
and State Rights, and they've cleaned us out. Our pockets are empty. No
more doth the pleasant half-dollar jingle in sweet unison agin its
fellows. Our wallets is barren uv postal currency, and the
grocery-keepers mourn, and refuse to be comforted, becoz we are not. We
hev got to the husk stage uv our woe, and wood be tendin hogs, ef the
armies, wich past through these countries, hed left us any. We hev kum
back. In rags and dirt we hev wended our way to Washington, and ask to
be taken back. Now, why don't our father, the Government, fulfil the
Skripter? Why don't it see us afar off, and run out to meet us? Why
don't it put onto us a purple robe? Where's the ring for our finger, and
the shoes for our feet? and where's the fatted calf he ought to kill? My
brethren, them Ablishnists is worse than infiddles--while they preach
the gospel they won't practise it. For my part, I--"

At this point a sargent, belongin to that infernal Burow, who wuz in the
awdience, with enough uv soldiers to make opposin uv him unpleasant, sed
he hed bin a sort uv an exhorter in his day, and desired to say a word
in explanation uv that parable, ez applicable to the present time; and,
sez he, "ef I am interrupted, remember I b'long to the church military,
wich is, just now, the church triumphant." And cockin his musket he
proceeded, very much uninterrupted.

"The prodigal son," sez he, "wuz received by the old man with
considerable doins, but, my worthy friends, he went out decently. He
didn't, ez soon ez he withdrawed from the house, turn around and make
war onto the old gentleman--he didn't burn his house and barns, tear up
his garden, burn his fences, and knock down the balance uv the children.
Not any. He went away peaceably, a _misguided_ good-for-nothin, but yet
a _peaceable_ good-for-nothin. Secondly, he come back uv his own akkord.
The old man didn't go after him, and fight for four years, at a cost uv
half his substance, to subdue him and bring him back, but when he hed
run through his pile, and squandered his share uv the estate, and got
hungry, he came back like a whipped dog.

"My friends, let me draw a small parallel between these cases.

"The Prodigal Son went out,--so did the South,--thus farly the cases is
alike.

"The Prodigal didn't steal nothin. The Confederacy took everything it
cood lay its hands on.

"The Prodigal spent only what wuz his to spend. The Confederacy spent
not only all it stole, but all it cood borrer, when it knowd its
promises to pay wuzent worth the mizable paper they wuz printed onto.

"The Prodigal, when he did come, come ez penitent ez the consciousness
that he hed made a fool uv hisself cood make him. The Confederacy wuz
whipped back, but it still swears hefty oaths that it wuz right all the
time.

"The Prodigal didn't _demand_ veal pot-pies, and purple robes, and sich,
but begged to be a servant unto the more sensible brethren wich stayed.
The South comes back _demandin_ office, uv wich the fatted calf, and
rings, and purple robes is typical, and considerably more share in the
government than it had before it kicked over the traces, and went out
like the lost tribes uv Israel.

"Spozn the Bible prodigal hed stopped his parient, and remarked to him
thus: 'I am willin to come back, on conditions. Yoo must pay my
debts--yoo must give me an ekal share uv the farm with the other
boys--yoo must treat me in all respecks just ez ef I hadn't gone out,
and--this is essential--yoo must take with me all the sharpers who
ruined me, all the gamblers and thieves with whom I fell in while I wuz
away, and make them head men on the place; and above all, I hev with me
the two harlots wich wuz the prime cause of my ruin, and they must hev
eleven of the best rooms in the house, and must be treated ez your
daughters. To avoid displeasin the others, I'll dress em in different
clothes, but here they must stay. Otherwise, I'll go out agin.'

"Probably the old gentleman wood hev become indignant, and would hev
remarked to him to go, and never let him see his audacious face agin, or
rather, he would hev strangled the harlots, scattered the blacklegs, and
choked the young sprout into submission. Them's me. I am anxious to kill
that fatted calf, and am also anxious to put on yoo robes and shoes.
But, alas! the calf suffered from want uv attention so long doorin the
late misunderstandins that he's too poor--the robes wuz all cut up into
bloo kotes for the soljers we sent out to fetch you in--the shoes they
wore out, and the rings--Jeff'son Davis wears the only style we hev.
When you come back in good shape, yool find us ready to meet you; but
till then, chaw husks!"

Lookin around, this armed tyrant remarked that there would be no more
preaching that day, and sadly the congregation dispersed.

I'm heart sick. At every turn I make that Burow stares me in the face,
and counteracts my best endeavors. It's curious, though, what different
sermons kin be preached from the same text, and it's also curious how
quiet our folks listen to a ablishnist who hez muskets to back him.

                                  PETROLEUM V. NASBY,
                  Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.




XXVII.

A Pleasant Dream, the Philadelphia Convention being the Subject thereof.


                                                  CONFEDRIT × ROADS
                                  (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky),
                                                      July 28, 1866.

My dreams, uv wich I hev hed many doorin the past five years, hevent bin
overly pleasant; indeed, they hev taken more the shape uv hideous
nitemares than anything else--Linkin, Grant, Sherman, and armies dressed
in blue, figurin extensively therein. But last nite I hed a vision wich
more than repaid me for all I hev suffered heretofore. I hed bin at the
Corners assistin in inauguratin a new grocery. The proprietor wuz a
demoralized Ablishnist who hed sold likker surreptitiously in Maine,
among them Ablishunists, and consekently hed no idea uv the quantity a
full grown Kentucky Democrat cood throw hisself outside uv. His entire
capital with which he proposed to commence biznis wuz one barrel uv new
corn whiskey, and some other necessaries, and ez a starter, to make the
acquaintance uv his customers, he announced one free nite, and invited
the entire community. His invitashun wuz considered generous, and we met
it in the same noble sperit--in a more nobler sperit than the confidin
and ignorant man desired, in fact; for when we got through, in about 38
minits, there wuzn't a drop uv the whiskey left, and while the new
grocery keeper wuz a rollin uv us out, he wuz cussin hisself for a fool.
He didn't open agin; he consoomed his stock in trade in givin the
blow-out to sekoor customers. His stock, like A. Johnson's Unionism,
didn't survive an inaugerashen.

I succumbed in a fence corner, and overpowered ez I wuz, slept

  "A sweetly dreamin--
   Dreamin the happy hours away."

Methought I wuz in Philadelphia, and the 14th uv August had arriv. There
wuz a glorious assemblage, ez Doolittle sed, uv the brains and hearts uv
the country, and I may add, ez I and Humphrey Marshall wuz there, uv the
bowels likewise. The Convenshun wuz assemblin. There wuz Seward present,
engineerin uv it. On one side uv him I notist, in my dream, a shadowy
bein with wings, draped in white, and wearin a melonkoly look, with one
hand a layin on his shoulder, a tryin to take him out uv the hall, while
another bein, with wings like a bat, hed him by the nose, and wuz a
twistin uv him jest ez he desired. I notist that this last mentioned
bein hed hoofs, wich wuz split, and a tail wich he wuz flirtin in great
glee. The bein with the tail and hoofs whispered suthin in Seward's ear,
whereupon he moved that that eminent patriot, Ex-President FRANKLIN
PIERCE, be chairman; upon wich the shadowy bein in white unfolded her
wings, and flew away, castin at William the most sorrowful look I ever
saw, the hoofed and tailed individooal laughin tremendous. The
Ex-President took the chair, and one Vice-President wuz appointed from
each State, ceptin Vermont and Massachoosits. My buzzum swelled with
emoshen ez that list wuz read; it wuz more like an old-fashioned
Democratic Convenshun than anything I hed heard for five long years. I
heard the honored names uv Toombs and Rhett, Pryor and Lee, Slidell and
Rosso, and Dandridge and Forrest; I heard the names uv Craven and
Pollard, Thompson and Forsyth, and I felt like him uv old--"Mine eyes
hev seen thy glory, now let thy servant depart in peace." Nothin but the
certainty that I wood at last hev that Post Offis at the Corners kept me
from goin up. Singler 'tis wat slender ties hold us to earth!

The Secretaries wuz apinted, and then the committees--two on each from
the South and one from the North, wich wuz consiliatin. I wuz put on the
committee on credenshals, Randall, the Postmaster-General, bein the
Northern representative. We hed our hands full. There wuz a rush made on
us, so many claimin seats that we locked the doors for two hours to
decide what shood be the proper qualification for a place. Finally we
agreed to admit ez delegates,--

FROM THE NORTH--all Dimocrats who had bin arrested by Linkin's minyuns;
all officers who hed resined rather than to serve in a Ablishun war, and
all Republikins who cood show a commishun ez Postmaster and sich, and
(this wuz considered necessary to guard agin imposition) who wuz willin
to take his solemn oath that he wuz a steadfast bleever in everything A.
Johnson hed did sence Janooary, '66 (ceptin sum small items wich wuz
specified), and all he wuz doin, and all he mite do.

FROM THE SOUTH--all who cood show a officer's commission in the late
Confedrit army; all who had receeved a pardon from A. Johnson, and all
who hed lost their niggers in an unholy war, wich inclooded all present.

This decided upon, the work wuz done. The delegates took their seats,
and the grate work uv Reconstructin the Yoonyun commenced. Garret Davis
wanted to make a speech, and a hall wuz hired for him in another part uv
the city, and fifty or sixty German emigrants, who coodent understand a
word uv English, hired at a shillin an hour to act ez audience. Five
kegs uv lager beer, a flooid wich I hev bin told Germans tie to, hed bin
rolled in the hall, and most uv em stayed seven hours and a half.

In the regler Hall there wuz a comminglin which wuz edifyin. Doolittle
wood make a motion, and Vallandigham wood second it. Forrest made a
speech, and Randall indorsed it. Seward and John Morrissey were on the
Committee on Resolutions, and Dick Taylor and Cowan were occupyin one
seat. The resolutions were brief and to the pint. They resolved that,--

    Whereas, there hed bin a season uv unpleasantness in our
    national history, wich, owin to circumstances over wich nobody
    hed any control, extended over several periods uv ninety days
    each; and

    Whereas, the unpleasantness resulted from the two sections
    viewin things each from its own stand-pint, instead of viewin
    things from the other's stand-pint; and

    Whereas, both parties wuz highly in the wrong, partikelerly the
    North; and

    Whereas, the South, with a magnanimity unknown in history, hed
    thrown down her arms, and wuz ready to resoom her old position
    in the Government--nay, more, to take more than her old share in
    the trouble uv runnin the Government; therefore be it

    _Resolved_, That we are for the Yoonyun ez it wuz.

    _Resolved_, That the persistency uv a sectional Congress, in
    continuin the unpleasantness wich hez to some extent disturbed
    our system uv Government, in legistatin while eleven sovereign
    States is unrepresented, is pizen.

    _Resolved_, That we view with alarm the manifest determination
    uv Congress to centralize in theirselves the law-makin power uv
    the Government, and we pledge our support to our worthy Chief
    Magistrate, who is a second Jaxon, in his efforts to check their
    centralizin schemes by vetoin all they may do.

    _Resolved_, That all traces uv the late onpleasantness may be
    wiped out ez soon ez possible, we demand uv Congress an
    appropriation for plowin over all the fields on wich the
    citizens uv the two sections who wuz indoost by their respective
    Governments, so-called, to carry muskets, cum together,
    particklerly them on wich our Southern brethren got the worst uv
    the disputes that ensood.

    _Resolved_, That Congress shood, ez soon ez it convenes, change
    the names uv Murfreesboro', Gettysburg, Atlanta, Vicksburg, et
    settry, to sich names ez Smithboro', Brownsburg, Jonesburg, et
    settry, that the serious unpleasantnesses wich occurred at them
    places may be remembered no more forever.

    _Resolved_, That the citizens uv the Southern States wich lost
    their lives, and legs, and sich, in the late unpleasantnesses
    wich hez bin referred to, ought to be placed on the pension
    rolls the same ez the Northern citizens who suffered likewise;
    and that the debt incurred by the South in upholdin things ez
    viewed from its stand-pint, is entitled to be paid the same ez
    the debt incurred by the North in upholdin things ez viewed from
    its stand-pint.

    _Resolved_, That we are willin, for the sake uv harmony, to
    admit that Sherman and Grant were, all things considered, worthy
    uv bein ranked with Lee and Jackson.

    _Resolved_, That the safety uv the Government demands that sich
    ez took part in the late unpleasantnis, from the Southern
    States, be to-wunst admitted to Congress, and to the other
    posishens wich they yoost to ornament, and that the more
    unpleasant they wuz doorin the trouble the more they ought to be
    admitted.

    _Resolved_, That there shall be gushen confidences, we freely
    forgive the honored Secretary uv State for the too free use uv
    his little bell doorin the late unpleasantnis, believin that he
    viewed things from his own stand-pint instead uv somebody
    else's, wich alluz causes trouble.

At this pint His Eggslency, Andrew Johnson, supported by Secretary Wells
on the wun side and Vice-President Stephens on one other, with Bukanan
in front and Toombs behind, entered the hall. Sich a cheering I never
heerd. Hats wuz slung into the air, and seats wuz torn up. Proudly they
advanced up the aisle, treading, ez they went, onto a portrait uv Linkin
wich a enthusiastic Connecticut delegate tore from the wall and throwd
before em. They took their position on the stage, Gen. Buell holdin over
em a Fedral flag, and Genral Henry A. Wise, uv Virginny, a Confedrit
flag, both wavin em to the music uv two bands; one a playin Dixie, and
the other Yankee Doodle.

At this pint methought the sperit uv Washinton floated into the hall,
and for a minnit contemplated the countenance uv President Johnson. In
my dreem I heerd him murmur, "There wuz me, and Adams, and Gefferson,
and Monroe, and sich, and then cum Fillmore, and Peerce, and Bookannon,
and, good God! Johnson! Faugh!" and I notist that George spit ez tho'
suthin in his mouth didn't taste well. In fact, the Father uv his
country looked sick, and spreadin his wings, the sperit moved out uv the
hall, shakin the sperit dust off uv his speritool boots ez he shot thro'
the sky-lite.

There wuz then a blank in my dream. When I resoomed, I was at the
Post-offis Department the next mornin. The gullotin hed commenced work,
and the supporters uv the constitushun were reseevin their commissions
ez postmasters ez fast ez four hundred clerks cood make em out. Ez I
pressed forward, Randall hisself give me mine. "Take it, my venerable
friend," sez he, with tears a gushin down his cheeks; "take it. No more
shall that Demokrat in your township who takes a paper reseeve it
contaminated by the touch uv a Ablishin radical."

[Illustration: NASBY'S DREAM OF THE PHILADELPHIA CONVENTION.]

At this critical pint I awoke. Wood that that dream wuz a reality! Will
I only git that postoffis in a dream.

                                  PETROLEUM V. NASBY,
                  Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.




XXVIII.

The Reward of Virtue.--After Months of waiting, the Virtuous Patriot
secures his Loaf.--The Jollification.


                                                  CONFEDRIT × ROADS
                                  (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky),
                                                    August 12, 1866.

At last I hev it! Finally it come! After five weary trips to Washington,
after much weary waitin and much travail, I hev got it. I am now Post
Master at Confedrit × Roads, and am dooly installed in my new position.
Ef I ever hed any doubts ez to A. Johnson bein a better man than Paul
the Apossle, a look at my commission removes it. If I ketch myself a
feelin that he deserted us onnecessarily five years ago, another look,
and my resentment softens into pity. Ef I doubt his Democrisy, I look at
that blessed commission, and am reassured, for a President who cood turn
out a wounded Federal soldier, and apoint sich a man ez ME, must be
above suspicion.

I felt it wuz coming two weeks ago. I received a cirkler from Randall,
now my sooperior in offis, propoundin these questions:--

    1. Do yoo hev the most implicit faith in Androo Johnson, in all
    that he hez done, all that he is doin, and all he may hereafter
    do?

    2. Do you bleeve that the Philadelphia Convenshun will be a
    convocashen uv saints, all actuated by pure motives, and devoted
    to the salvation uv our wunst happy, but now distractid country?

    3. Do yoo bleeve that, next to A. Johnson, Seward, Doolittle,
    Cowan, and Randall are the four greatest, and purest, and
    bestest, and self-sacrificinest, and honestest, and righteousist
    men that this country hez ever prodoost?

    4. Doo yoo bleeve that there is a partikelerly hot place
    reserved in the next world for Trumbull, a hotter for Wade, and
    the hottest for Sumner and Thad Stevens?

    5. Do yoo approve uv the canin uv Grinnell by Rosso?

    6. Do yoo consider the keepin out uv Congris eleven sovrin
    states a unconstooshnel and unwarrantid assumption uv power by a
    secshnal Congris?

    7. Do yoo bleeve the present Congris a rump, and that (eleven
    states bein unrepresented) all their acts are unconstooshnel and
    illegal, ceptin them wich provides for payin salaries?

    8. Do yoo bleeve that the Memphis and Noo Orleans
    unpleasantnesses wuz brot about by the unholy machinashens uv
    them Radical agitators, actin in conjunction with ignorant and
    besotted niggers, to wreak their spite on the now loyal citizens
    uv those properly reconstructed cities.

    9. Are yoo not satisfied that the African citizens uv Amerikin
    descent kin be safely trusted to the operations uv the universal
    law wich governs labor and capital?

    10. Are yoo willin to contribute a reasonable per cent. uv yoor
    salary to a fund to be used for the defeat uv objectionable
    Congrismen in the disloyal states North?

To all uv these inquiries I not only answered yes, but went afore a
Justis uv the Peace and took an affidavit to em, forwarded it back, and
my commission wuz forthwith sent to me.

There wuz a jubilee the nite it arriv. The news spread rapidly through
the four groceries uv the town, and sich anuther spontaneous outbust uv
joy I never witnessed.

[Illustration: SUPPORTERS OF "MY POLICY" IN PROCESSION.]

The bells rung, and for an hour or two the Corners wuz in the wildest
stait uv eggsitement. The citizens congratoolated each other on the
certainty uv the acceshun uv the President to the Dimocrisy, and in
their enthoosiasm five nigger families were cleaned out, two uv em, one
a male and the tother a female, wuz killed. Then a perceshun wuz
organized as follers:--

Two grocery keepers with bottles.

Deekin Pogram.

ME, with my commishun pinned onto a banner, and under it written, "In
this Sign we Conker."

Wagon with tabloo onto it: A nigger on the bottom boards, Bascom, the
grocery keeper, with one foot onto him, holdin a banner inscribed, "The
Nigger where he oughter be."

Citizen with bottle.

Deekin Pogram's daughter Mirandy in a attitood uv wallopin a wench.
Banner: "We've Regained our Rites."

Two citizens with bottles tryin to keep in perceshun.

Two more citizens, wich hed emptyd their bottles, fallin out by the way
side.

Citizens, two and two, with bottles.

Wagon, loaded with the books and furnitur uv a nigger skool, in a stait
uv wreck, with a ded nigger layin on top uv it, wich hed bin captoored
within the hour. Banner: "My Policy."

The perceshun mooved to the meetin hous, and Deekin Pogram takin the
Chair, a meetin wuz to wunst organized.

The Deekin remarked that this wuz the proudest moment uv his life. He
wuz gratified at the appintment uv his esteemed friend, becoz he
appreciated the noble qualities wich wuz so conspikuous into him, and
becoz his arduous services in the coz uv Dimokrisy entitled him to the
posishun. All these wuz aside uv and entirely disconnected from the fact
that thare wood now be a probability uv his gittin back a little matter
uv nine dollars and sixty-two cents ("Hear! hear!") wich he hed loaned
him about eighteen months ago, afore he had knowed him well, or larned
to luv him. But thare wuz anuther reason why he met to rejoyce to-nite.
It showed that A. Johnson meant bizness; that A. Johnson wuz troo to the
Dimokrasy, and that he hed fully made up his mind to hurl the bolts uv
offishl thunder wich he held in his Presidenshal hands at his enemies,
and to make fight in earnest; that he wuz goin to reward his
friends--them ez he cood trust. Our venerable friend's bein put in
condishun to pay the confidin residents uv the Corners the little sums
he owes them is a good thing ("Hear!" "Hear!" "Troo!" "Troo!" with
singular unanimity from every man in the bildin), but wat wuz sich
considerashuns when compared to the grate moral effect uv the decisive
movement? ("A d----d site!" shouted one grocery keeper, and "We don't
want no moral effect!" cried another.) My friends, when the news uv this
bold step uv the President goes forth to the South, the price uv
Confedrit skript will go up, and the shootin uv niggers will cease; for
the redempshun uv the first I consider ashoored, and the redoosin uv the
latter to their normal condishun I count ez good ez done.

Squire Gavitt remarked that he wuz too much overpowered with emoshun to
speak. For four years, nearly five, the only newspaper wich come to that
offis hed passed thro' the polluted hands uv a Ablishnist. He hed no
partikler objecshun to the misguided man, but he wuz a symbol uv
tyranny, and so long ez he sot there, he reminded em that they were
wearin chains. Thank the Lord, that day is over! The Corners is
redeemed, the second Jaxson hez risin, and struck off the shackles. He
wood not allood to the trifle uv twelve dollars and a half that he
loaned the appintee some months ago, knowin that it wood be paid out uv
the first money--

Bascom, the principal grocery keeper, rose, and called the Squire to
order. He wanted to know ef it wuz fair play to talk sich talk. No man
cood feel a more hart-felt satisfaction at the appintment uv our honored
friend than him, showin, ez it did, that the President hed cut loose
from Ablishnism, wich he dispised, but he protestid agin the Squire
undertakin to git in his bill afore the rest hed a chance. Who furnisht
him his licker for eight months, and who hez the best rite for the first
dig at the proceeds uv the position? He wood never--

The other three grocery keepers rose, when Deekin Pogram rooled em all
out uv order, and offered the followin resolutions:--

    Whereas, the President hez, in a strikly constooshnel manner,
    relieved this commoonity uv an offensive Ablishunist, appinted
    by that abhorred tyrant Linkin, and appinted in his place a
    sound constooshnel Demokrat--one whom to know is to lend;
    therefore, be it

    _Resolved_, That we greet the President, and, ashoor him uv our
    continyood support and confidence.

    _Resolved_, That we now consider the work uv Reconstruction, so
    far ez this community is concerned, completed, and that we feel
    that we are wunst more restored to our proper relations with the
    federal government.

    _Resolved_, That the glorious defence made by the loyal
    Democracy uv Noo Orleans agin the combined conventioners and
    niggers, shows that freemen kin not be conkered, and that white
    men shel rule America.

    _Resolved_, That, on this happy occasion, we forgive the
    Government for what we did, and cherish nary resentment agin
    anybody.

The resolutions wuz adopted, and the meetin adjourned with three cheers
for Johnson and his policy.

Then came a scene. Every last one uv em hed come there with a note made
out for the amount I owed him at three months. Kindness of heart is a
weakness of mine, and I signed em all, feelin that ef the mere fact of
writin my name wood do em any good, it wood be crooel in me to object to
the little laber required. Bless their innocent soles! they went away
happy.

The next mornin I took possesshun uv the offis.

[Illustration: NASBY'S DREAM OF PERFECT BLISS.]

"Am I awake, or am I dreamin?" thought I. No, no! it is no dream. Here
is the stamps, here is the blanks, and here is the commisshun! It is
troo! it is troo!

I heerd a child, across the way, singin,--

  "I'd like to be a angel,
   And with the angels stand."

I woodn't, thought I. I woodn't trade places with an angel, even up. A
Offis with but little to do, with four grocerys within a stone's throw,
is ez much happiness ez my bilers will stand without bustin. A angel
4sooth!

                             PETROLEUM V. NASBY, P.M.
                                                (wich is Postmaster.)




XXIX.

The Convocation of Hungry Souls at Philadelphia.--A Description of that
Memorable Occasion by One who had been Provided for.


                                      POST OFFIS, CONFEDRIT × ROADS
                                  (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky),
                                                    August 14, 1866.

Peace is into me. I hev spent many happy periods in the course uv a
eventful life; but I never knowd what perfeck satisfaction wuz till now.
The first week I wuz married to my Looizer Jane it wuz hevenly; for,
independent uv the other blisses incident to the married state, I
beleeved that she wuz the undivided possessor uv a farm, or ruther her
father wuz, wich, on the old man's decease, wood be hern, and the
prospeck uv a lifetime with a amiable, well-built woman, with a farm big
enough to support me, with prudence on her part, wuz bliss itself; and I
enjoyed it with a degree uv muchness rarely ekaled, until I found out
that it wuz kivered more deeply with mortgages than it wuz ever likely
to be with crops, and my dreem uv happiness busted. Sweet ez wuz this
week, it wuz misery condensed when compared to the season I hev jest
passed through.

I wuz a delegate to Philadelphia. I wuzn't elected nor nothin, and
hedn't any credentials; but the door uv the wigwam I passed,
nevertheless. The door-keeper wuz a Dimokrat, and my breath helped me;
my nose, wich reely blossoms like the lobster, wuz uv yoose; but I spect
my hevin a gray coat on, with a stand up collar, with a brass star onto
it, wuz wat finished the biznis. The Southern delegates fought shy uv
me; but the Northern ones, bless their souls! the minit they saw the
star on the collar uv my gray coat, couldn't do enuff for me. They
addressed me ez Kernel and Gineral, and sed "this wuz trooly an
unmeritid honor," and paid for my drinks; and I succeeded in borrowin a
hundred and twenty dollars of em the first day. I mite hev doubled it;
but the fellows wuz took in so easy that no financeerin wuz required,
and it really wuz no amoozment.

The Convenshun itself wuz the most affectinist gatherin I ever witnist.
I hed a seat beside Randall, who wuz a managin the concern, and I cood
see it all. The crowd rushed into the bildin, and filled it, when
Randall desired attention. He bein the Postmaster General, every one of
em dropped into his seat ez though he hed bin shot, and there wuz the
most perfeck quiet I ever saw. Doolittle, who wuz the Cheerman, winked
at Randall, and nodded his head, when Randall announced that THE
DELEGATES FROM SOUTH KARLINY, AND THE DELEGATES FROM MASSACHOOSITS, WOOD
ENTER ARM IN ARM! With a slow and measured step they cum in; and, at a
signal from Randall, the cheerin commenst--and sich cheerin! Then
Doolittle pulled out his white hankercher, and applied it to his eyes;
and every delegate simultaneously pulled out a white hankercher, and
applied it to his eyes.

To me, this wuz the proudest moment uv my life; not that there wuz
anything partikilerly inspiritin in the scene afore me, for there
wuzzent. Orr, from South Caroliny, looked partikilerly ashamed of
hisself, ez though he wuz going thro a highly nessary, but extremely
disgustin, ceremony, and wuz determined to keep up a stiff upper lip
over it; and Couch looked up to Orr, ez though he wuz afeerd uv him, and
ez though he felt flattered by Orr's condecension in walkin at all with
sich a umble individjooal. But, to my eyes, the scene wuz significant. I
looked into the fucher, and wat did I see, ez them two men--one sneekin,
and tother ashamed uv hisself--walked up that aisle? Wat did I see? I
saw the Democrisy restored to its normal condishun. I saw the reunion uv
the two wings. In fact, I saw the entire Dimokratic bird reunited. The
North, one wing, and the weakest; Kentucky, the beak, sharp, hungry, and
rapacious; South-west, the strong, active wing; Virginny, the legs and
claws; Ohio, the heart; Pennsylvania, the stomach; South Caroliny, the
tail feathers; and Noo Jersey, the balance of the bird,--I saw these
parts, for five years dissevered, come together, holdin nigger in one
claw, and Post Offises in the other, sayin, "Take em both together; they
go in lots." I saw the old Union--the bold, shivelrous Southner a
guidin, controllin, and directin the machine, and assoomin to hisself
the places uv honor, and the Dimokrat uv the North follerin, like a
puppy dog, at his heels, takin sich fat things ez he cood snap up; the
Southerner ashamed uv his associations, but forced to yoose em; the
Northerner uncomfortable in his presence, but tied to him by
self-interest. I saw a comin back the good old times when thirty-four
States met in convenshun, and let eleven rule em; and ez I contemplated
the scene, I too wept, but it wuz in dead earnest.

"Wat are you blubberin for?" asked a enthusiastic delegate in front uv
me, who wuz a swabbin his eyes with a handkercher.

"I'm a Postmaster," sez I, "and must do my dooty in this crisis. Wat are
you sheddin pearls for?" retorted I. "Are you a Postmaster?"

"No," sez he; "but I hope to be;" and he swabbed away with renood
vigger.

"Wat's the matter with the eyes uv all the delegates?" sez I.

"They've all got Post Offisis in em," sez he; and he worked away faster
than ever.

While gettin a fresh handkercher (wich I borrered from the hind coat
pocket uv a delegate near me, and wich, by the way, in my delirious joy,
I forgot to say anythin to him about it), I looked over the Convenshun,
and agin the teers welled up from my heart. My sole wuz full and
overflowin, and I slopped over at the eyes. There, before me, sat that
hero, Dick Taylor, and Cuth Bullitt; and there wuz the Nelsons and
Yeadons, and the representatives uv the first families uv the South, and
in PHILADELPHIA, AT A CONVENTION, with all the leadin Demokrats uv the
North, ceptin Vallandigham and Wood, and they wuz skulkin around within
call, with their watchful eyes on the perceedins. Here is a prospeck!
Here is fatnis! The President into our confidence! The Postmaster
General a runnin the Convention! The bands a playin Dixie and the Star
Spangled Banner alternitly, so that nobody cood complain uv partiality,
or tell reely wich side the Convention wuz on, or wich side it had been
on in the past! Ah! my too susceptible sole filled up agin; the teers
started; but that vent wuznt enuff, and I fell faintin onto the floor.
Twenty or thirty Northern delegates seed me fallin, and ketchin site uv
the gray coat, with the brass star onto it, rushed to ketch me; and they
bore me out uv the wigwam. Sed one, "Wat a techin scene! overpowered by
his feelins." "Yes," sed another: "he deserves a apintment."

I didn't go back to the Convenshun, coz I knowd it wan't no yoose; and
besides, after all the teers that had been shed,--the members wringin
their handkerchers onto the floor,--it wuz sloppy under foot.
Conciliation and tenderness gushed out uv em. I knowd it would be all
right; it couldn't be otherwise. There wuz bonds wich held the members
together, and prevented the possibility uv trouble. Johnson, hevin a
ambition to head a party, must hev a party to head. The Northern
delegashun--wich hed formerly actid with the Ablishnists--couldn't do
nothin without the Democracy North; and both on em combined couldn't do
nothin without the Democracy South, The President cood depend on the
Democracy North, coz he holds the offices; the Democracy North cood
depend on the President, coz he must hev their votes. The President cood
depend on the Democracy South, coz they want him to make a fight agin a
Ablishen Congris, wich is a unconstooshnelly keepin uv em out, and
preventin em from wollopin their niggers; the Democracy South cood
depend on the President, coz he must hev their Representatives in their
seats to beat the Ablishnists in Congris,--all cood depend on all, each
cood depend on the other, coz each faction, or ruther each stripe, hed
its little private axe to grind, wich it coodent do without the others
to turn the grind-stone.

The Southern delegates, some on em, wuznt so well pleased. "What in
thunder," sed one uv em, "did they mean by pilin on the agony over the
the Yanks we killed? by pledgin us to give up the ijee uv seceshen, and
by pledgin on us to pay the Nashnel Yankee debt?"

"'Sh!" sed I; "easy over the rough places. My friend, they didn't mean
it; or, ef they did, _we_ didn't. Is a oath so hard to break? Wood it
trouble that eminent patriot Breckenridge, after all the times he swore
to support the Constitution, to sware to it wunst more? and wood it
trouble him to break it any more than it did in '61? Nay, verily.
Dismiss them gloomy thots. Vallandigham wuz kicked out; but a thousand
mules, and all uv em old and experienced, cooden't kick him out uv our
service. Doolittle talked Northern talk, coz it's a habit he got into
doorin the war; but he'll git over it. Raymond will be on our side this
year, certain, for last year he was agin us; and by the time he is ready
to turn agin, he'll be worn to so small a pint that he won't be worth
hevin; and the Democrisy uv the North wuz alluz ourn, and ef they
wuzzent, the offices Johnson hez in reserve will draw em like lode stun.

"My deer sir, I wunst knowd a Irishman, who wuz sense killed in a Fenian
raid, employed as a artist in well diggin. It wuz his lot to go to the
bottom uv the excavation and load the buckets with earth. The dinner
horn sounded, and he, with the alacrity characteristic uv the race,
sprang into the bucket, and told em to hist away; and they histed. But
ez they histed, they amoozed themselves a droppin earth onto him.
'Shtop!' sed he; but they didn't. 'Shtop!' sed he, 'or, be gorra! I'll
cut the rope.' My dear sir, Randall, and Doolittle, and Seward, and
Johnson are a histin us out uv the pit we fell into in 1860. Their
little talk about debts, and slavery, and sich, is the earth they're
droppin onto us for fun; but shel we, like ijeots, cut the rope? Nary!
Let em hist; and when we're safe out, and on solid ground, we kin, ef we
desire, turn and chuck em into the hole."

All went off satisfied: the Northern men, for they carried home with em
their commishuns; I, feelin that my Post office wuz sekoor; for ef, with
the show we've got, we can't reëlect Johnson, the glory uv the Democracy
hez departed indeed.

                             PETROLEUM V. NASBY, P.M.
                                                (wich is Postmaster.)




XXX.

The Great Presidential Excursion to the Tomb of Douglas.--An Account of
the Ride of the Modern John Gilpin, who went a Pleasuring and came Home
with nothing but the Necks of His Bottles: by His Chaplain.--From
Washington to Detroit.


                                                AT THE BIDDLE HOUSE
                                      (wich is in Detroit, Michigan),
                                            September the 4th, 1866.

Step by step I am assendin the ladder uv fame; step by step I am climbin
to a proud eminence. Three weeks ago I wuz summoned to Washinton by that
eminently grate and good man, Androo Johnson, to attend a consultation
ez to the proposed Western tour, wich wuz to be undertaken for the
purpose uv arousin the masses uv the West to a sence uv the danger wich
wuz threatnin uv em in case they persisted in centralizin the power uv
the Government into the hands uv a Congress, instid uv diffusin it
throughout the hands uv one man, wich is Johnson. I got there too late
to take part in the first uv the discussion. When I arrove they hed
everything settled cepting the appintment uv a Chaplain for the
excursion. The President insisted upon my fillin that position, but
Seward objected. He wanted Beecher, but Johnson wuz inflexibly agin him.
"I am determined," sez he, "to carry out my policy, but I hev some
bowels left. Beecher hez done enuff already, considerin the pay he got.
No, no! he shel be spared this trip; indeed he shel."

"Very good," said Seward; "but at least find some clergyman who endorses
us without hevin P.M. to his honored name. It wood look better."

"I know it wood," replied Johnson; "but where kin we find sich a one? I
hev swung around the entire circle, and heven't ez yet seen him. Nasby
it must be."

There wuz then a lively discussion ez to the propriety, before the
procession started, of removin all the Federal offis-holders on the
proposed route, and appintin men who beleeved in us (Johnson, Beecher,
and Me), that we might be shoor uv a sootable recepshun at each pint at
wich we wuz to stop. The Annointed wuz in favor uv it. Sez he, "Them ez
won't support my polisy shan't eat my bread and butter." Randall and
Doolittle chimed in, for it's got to be a part of their religion to
assent to whatever the President sez, but I mildly protested. I owe a
duty to the party, and I am determined to do it.

"Most High," sez I, "a settin hen wich is lazy makes no fuss; cut its
head off, and it flops about, for a while, lively. Lincoln's
office-holders are settin hens. They don't like yoo nor yoor policy, but
while they are on their nests, they will keep moderitly quiet. Cut off
their heads, and they will spurt their blood in your face. Ez to bein
enshoord of a reception at each point, you need fear nothin. Calkerlatin
moderately, there are at least twenty-five or thirty patriots who feel a
call for every offis in your disposal. So long, Yoor Highnis, ez them
offisis is held just where they kin see em, and they don't know wich is
to git em, yoo may depend upon the entire enthoosiasm uv each,
individyooally and collectively. In short, ef there's 4 offises in a
town, and yoo make the appointments, yoo hev sekoored 4 supporters; till
yoo make the appointments yoo hev the hundred who expect to get em."

The President agreed with me that until after the trip the gullotine
shood stop.

Secretary Seward sejested that a clean shirt wood improve my personal
appearance, and akkordingly a cirkular wuz sent to the clerks in the
Departments, assessin em for that purpose. Sich uv em ez refoosed to
contribute their quota wuz instantly dismissed for disloyalty.

At last we started, and I must say we wuz got up in a highly
conciliatory style. Every wun of the civilians uv the party wore buzzum
pins, et settry, wich wuz presented to em by the Southern delegates to
the Philadelphia Convention, wich wuz made uv the bones uv Federal
soldiers wich hed fallen at various battles. Sum uv em were partiklerly
valuable ez anteeks, hevin bin made from the bones uv the fust soldiers
who fell at Bull Run.

The Noo York recepshun wuz a gay affair. I never saw His Imperial
Highness in better spirits, and he delivered his speech to better
advantage than I ever heard him do it before, and I bleeve I've heard it
a hundred times. We left Noo York sadly. Even now, ez I write, the
remembrance uv that perceshun, the recollection uv that banquet, lingers
around me, and the taste uv them wines is still in my mouth. But we hed
to go. We hed a mishn to perform, and we put ourselves on a steamboat
and started.

ALBANY.--There wuz a immense crowd, but the Czar uv all the Amerikas
didn't get orf his speech here. The Governor welcomed him, but he
welcomed him ez the Cheef Magistrate uv the nashen, and happened to drop
in Lincoln's name. That struck a chill over the party, and the President
got out uv it ez soon ez possible. Bein reseeved ez Chief Magistrate,
and not ez the great Pacificator, ain't His Eggslency's best holt. It
wuz unkind uv Governor Fenton to do it. If he takes the papers, he must
know that His Mightiness ain't got but one speech, and he ought to hev
made sich a reception ez wood hev enabled him to hev got it off. We
shook the dust off uv our feet, and left Albany in disgust.

SKENACTADY.--The people uv this delightfull little village wuz awake
when the Imperial train arrived. The changes hadn't bin made in the
offices here, and consekently there wuz a splendid recepshun. I didn't
suppose there wuz so many patriots along the Mohawk. I wuz pinted out by
sum one ez the President's private adviser--a sort uv private Secretary
uv State; and after the train started, I found jest 211 petitions for
the Post Offis in Skenaktedy in my side coat pocket, wich the patriots
who hed hurrahed so vocifferously hed dexterously deposited there. The
incident wuz a movin one. "Thank God!" thought I. "So long ez we hev the
post offiees to give, we kin alluz hev a party." The Sultan swung around
the cirkle wunst here, and leaving the Constooshun in their hands, the
train moved off.

UTICA.--The President spoke here with greater warmth, and jerked more
originality than I hed before observed. He introdoost here the remark
that he didn't come to make a speech; that he wuz goin to shed a tear
over the tomb uv Douglas; that, in swingin around the circle, he hed
fought traitors on all sides uv it, but that he felt safe. He shood
leave the Constooshn in their hands, and ef a martyr wuz wanted, he wuz
ready to die with neetness and dispatch.

ROME.--Here we hed a splendid recepshun, and I never heard His Majesty
speek more felicitously. He menshuned to the audience that he hed swung
around the Southern side uv the cirkle, and wuz now swingin around the
Northern side uv it, and that he wuz fightin traitors on all sides. He
left the Constitooshun in their hands, and bid em good bye. I received
at this pint only 130 petitions for the post office, wich I took ez a
bad omen for the comin election.

LOCKPORT.--The President is improvin wonderfully. He rises with the
occasion. At this pint he mentioned that he wuz sot on savin the country
wich hed honored him. Ez for himself, his ambishn wuz more than
satisfied. He hed bin Alderman, Member uv the Legislacher, Congressman,
Senator, Military Governor, Vice-President, and President. He hed swung
around the entire circle uv offises, and all he wanted now wuz to heal
the wounds uv the nashen. He felt safe in leavin the Constooshn in their
hands. Ez he swung around the cirkle--

At this pint I interrupted him. I told him that he hed swung around the
cirkle wunst in this town, and ez yooseful ez the phrase wuz, it might
spile by too much yoose.

At Cleveland we begun to get into hot water. Here is the post to which
the devil uv Ablishnism is chained, and his chain is long enough to let
him rage over neerly the whole State. I am pained to state that the
President wuzn't treated here with the respeck due his station. He
commenst deliverin his speech, but wuz made the subjeck uv ribald
laffture. Skasely hed he got to the pint uv swingin around the cirkle,
when a foul-mouthed nigger-lover yelled "Veto!" and another vocifferated
"Noo Orleens!" and another remarked "Memphis!" and one after another
interruption occurred until His Highness wuz completely turned off the
track, and got wild. He forgot his speech, and struck out crazy, but the
starch wuz out uv him, and he wuz worsted. Grant, wich we hed taken
along to draw the crowds, played dirt on us here, and stepped onto a
boat for Detroit, leavin us only Farragut ez a attraction, who tried
twice to git away ditto, but wuz timely prevented. The President
recovered his ekanimity, and swung around the cirkle wunst, and leavin
the Constooshn in their hands, retired.

At the next pint we wuz astounded at seein but one man at the station.
He wuz dressed with a sash over his shoulder, and wuz wavin a flag with
wun hand, firin a saloot with a revolver with the other, and playin
"Hail to the Chief!" on a mouth organ, all to wunst.

"Who are you, my gentle friend?" sez I.

"I'm the newly-appinted Postmaster, sir," sez he. "I'm a perceshun a
waitin here to do honor to our Cheef Magistrate, all alone, sir. There
wuz twenty Johnsonians in this hamlet, sir; but when the commishn came
for me, the other nineteen wuz soured, and sed they didn't care a d----n
for him nor his policy, sir. Where is the President?"

Androo wuz a goin to swing around the cirkle for this one man, and leave
the Constooshn in his hands, but Seward checked him.

At Fremont we hed a handsome recepshun, for the offises hevn't bin
changed there, but Toledo didn't do so well. The crowd didn't cheer
Androo much, but when Farragut was trotted out they gave him a rouser,
wich wuz anything but pleasin to the Cheef Magistrate uv this nashen,
who bleeves in bein respected.

Finally we reeched Detroit. This bein a Democratic city, the President
wuz hisself agin. His speech here wuz wun uv rare merit. He gathered
together in one quiver all the sparklin arrows he had used from
Washington to this point, and shot em one by one. He swung around the
cirkle; he didn't come to make a speech; he hed bin Alderman uv his
native town; he mite hev been Dicktater, but woodent; and ended with a
poetickal cotashun wich I coodent ketch, but wich, ez neer ez I cood
understand, wuz,--

  "Kum wun, kum all; this rock shel fly
   From its firm base--in a pig's eye."

Here we repose for the nite. To-morrow we start onward, and shel
continue swingin around the cirkle till we reach Chicago.

                             PETROLEUM V. NASBY, P.M.
                                                (wich is Postmaster),
                              and likewise Chaplin to the expedishn.




XXXI.

The Presidential Tour Continued.--From Detroit to Indianapolis.


                                      POST OFFIS, CONFEDRIT × ROADS
                                  (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky),
                                                 September 11, 1866.

I am at home, and glad am I that I am at home. Here in Kentucky,
surrounded by Dimicrats, immersed a part of the time in my offishel
dooties, and the balance uv the time in whiskey, with the privilege uv
wallopin niggers, and the more inestimable and soothing privilege uv
assistin in mobbin uv Northern Ablishnists, who are not yet all out uv
the State, time passes pleasantly, and leaves no vain regrets. I alluz
go to bed nites, feeling that the day hez not bin wasted.

From Detroit the Presidential cavalcade, or ez the infamous Jacobin
Radical party irrevelently term it, the menajery, proceeded to Chicago.
The recepshuns his Imperial Highniss received through Michigan were
flatterin in the extreme. I continue my diary:

IPSLANTY.--At this pint the President displayed that originality and
fertility uv imaginashun karacteristic uv him. The recepshun wuz grand.
The masses called for Grant, and His Highness promptly responded. He
asked em, ef he was Judis Iskariot who wuz the Saviour? Thad Stevens? If
so, then after swingin around the cirkle, and findin traitors at both
ends of the line, I leeve the 36 States with 36 stars onto em in yoor
hands, and--

The train wuz off amid loud shouts uv "Grant! Grant!" to wich the
President responded by wavin his hat.

ANN ARBOR.--At this pint the train moved in to the inspiring sounds uv a
band playin "Hale to the Cheef," and vocifrous cries uv "Grant! Grant!"
His Majesty smilinly appeared and thanked em for the demonstration. It
was soothin, he remarked. The air their band wuz playin, "Hail to the
Chief," wuz appropit, ez he wuz Chief Magistrate uv the nashen, to wich
posishen he hed reached, hevin bin Alderman uv his native village, U.S.
Senator, etsettry. The crowd hollered "Grant! Grant!" and the President
thanked em for the demonstration. It showed him that the people wuz with
him in his efforts to close his eyes on a Union uv 36 States and a flag
uv 36 stars onto it. Ef I am a traitor, sed he, warmin up, who is the
Judis Iscariot? Ez I'm swingin around the cirkle, I find Thad Stevens on
the one side and Jeff' Davis on the--

The conductor cruelly startid the train, without givin him time to
finish.

The crowd proposed three cheers for Grant, and the President waved his
hat to em, sayin that he thanked em, showing as it did that the people
wuz with him.

BATTLE CREEK.--A large number was assembled here, who, ez the train
stopped, yelled "Grant! Grant!" Affected to tears by the warmth uv the
reception, the President thanked em for this mark of confidence. Ef he
ever hed any doubts ez to the people's being with him, these doubts wuz
removed. He wood leave in their hands the flag and the Union uv 36
States, and the stars thereto appertaining. Ef he wuz a Joodis Iskariot
who wuz--

The crowd gave three hearty cheers for Grant ez the train moved off, to
wich the President responded by wavin his hat.

KALAMAZOO.--The offishels were on hand at this pint, and so wuz the
people--4 offishels and several thousand people, which the latter
greeted us with cheers for Grant! Grant! The President responded, sayin,
that in swingin around the cirkle, he hed bin called Joodis Iskariot for
sacrificin uv hisself for the people! Who wuz the Saviour? Wuz Thad
Stevens? No! Then cleerly into yoor hands I leave the Constitution uv 36
stars with 36 States onto em, intact and undissevered.

The offishels received the stars and States, and amid cheers for Grant,
for which the President thanked em, the train glode off magestically.

And so on to Chicago, where we didn't get off our speech, though from
the manner in wich the people hollered Grant! Grant! we felt cheered at
realizin how much they wuz with us. His eminence wanted to sling the 36
States and the flag with the stars at em, but ez General Logan wuz
there, ready to fling em back, it wuz deemed highly prudent not to do
it.

Here my trials commenst. At the Biddle House, in Detroit, the nigger
waiters showed how much a African kin be spiled by bein free. _They hed
the impudence to refoose to wait on us_, and for a half hour the
imperial stumick wuz forced to fast. This alarmin manifestation uv negro
malignancy alarmed His Eggsalency. "Thank God!" sed he, "that I vetoed
the Freedmen's Buroo Bill. I hev bin Alderman uv my native town--I hev
swung around the entire cirkle, but this I never dreemed uv. What would
they do if they hed their rites?" The insident made an impression onto
him, and at Chicago he resolved to trust em no longer. He ordered his
meals to his room, and sent for me. "My friend," sed he, "taste
evrything onto this table."

"Why? my liege," sed I.

"Niggers is cooks," sed he, "and this food may be pizoned. They hate me,
for I ain't in the Moses bizness. Taste, my friend."

"But spozn," sed I, "that it _shood_ be pizoned? Wat uv _my_ bowels? My
stomick is uv ez much valyoo to me ez yourn is to yoo."

"Nasby," sez he, "taste! Ef yoo die, who mourns? Ef I die, who'd swing
around the cirkle? Who'd sling the flag and the 36 stars at the people,
and who'd leave the Constooshn in their hands? The country demands the
sacrifice; and besides, ef yoo don't, off goes yoor offishl head."

That last appele fetched me. Ruther than risk that offis I'd chaw
striknine, for uv what akkount is a Dimokrat, who hez wunst tasted the
sweets uv place, and is ousted? And from Chicago on I wuz forced to
taste his food and likker--to act ez a sort uv a litenin-rod to shed off
the vengeance uv the nigger waiters. I wood taste uv every dish and
drink from each bottle, and ef I didn't swell up and bust in 15 minits
His serene Highness wood take hold. I suffered several deaths. I resoom
my diary:

JOLIET.--The crowd wuz immense. The peasantry, ez the train approached,
rent the air with shouts uv "Grant!" "Grant!" His Potency, the
President, promptly acknowledged the compliment. He was sacrificin
hisself for them--who hed made greater sacrifices? He hed bin Alderman
uv his native town, and Vice-President; he wuz too modest to make a
speech; but ef he wuz Joodas Iskariot, who wuz the Saviour? He hed swung
around the cirkle, and hedn't found none so far. He left in their hands
the--

And so on, until near St. Louis, when we penetrated a Democratic
country, uv wich I informed his Majesty.  "How knowest thou?" sez he.
"Easy," sez I. "I observe in the crowds a large proportion uv red noses,
and hats with the tops off. I notice the houses unpainted, with pig pens
in front ov em; and what is more, I observe that crowds compliment yoo
direct, instead of doin it, ez heretofore, over Grant's shoulders. The
Knights uv the Golden Cirkle, wich I spect is the identical cirkle
yoo've bin swingin around lately, love yoo and approach yoo
confidently."

The President brisked up, and from this to Indianapolis he spoke with a
flooidity I never observed in him before. I may say, to yoose a medikle
term, that he had a hemorrhage uv words. At the latter city our
reception was the most flatrin uv eny we have experienced. The people,
when the President appeared on the balcony uv the Bates House, yelled so
vociferously for Grant, that the President, when he stepped forward to
acknowledge the compliment, coodent be heard at all. He waved his hat;
and the more he waved it the more complimentary the crowd became.
"Grant!" "Grant!" they yelled; and the more the President showed himself
the more they yelled Grant, until, overpowered by the warmth uv the
recepshun, and unwillin to expose his health, the President retired
without slingin a speech at em, but entirely satisfied that the people
wuz with him.

The next mornin the office-holders uv the State, without the people,
assembled, and he made his regler speech to em, wich appeared to be
gratifyin to both him and them. The President does not like to sleep
with a undelivered speech on his mental stumick. It gives him the
nitemare.

Here I left the party, for a short time, that I mite go home and attend
to my official dooties. There is five Northern families near the Corners
wich must hev notice to leave, and eight niggers to hang. I hed orders
to report to the party somewhere between Looisville and Harrisburgh,
wich I shall do, ez, travelin by order, I get mileage and sich.

                             PETROLEUM V. NASBY, P.M.
                                                (wich is Postmaster),
                              and likewise Chaplin to the expedishn.




XXXII.

The End of the Presidential Tour.--From Louisville to Washington.


                                      WHITE HOUSE, WASHINGTON, D.C.,
                                                 September, 12, '66.

I rejined the Presidenshel party at Looisville, and glad I am that I did
it at that pint. His Imperial Serenity hed bin pleased ever sence he
left Chicago, or rather sence he got near St. Loois, for two-thirds uv
Illinois wuz pizen, and Indianapolis wuz pizener. From St. Loois the
recepshuns wuz trooly corjel and even enthoosiastic. We got out uv the
region uv aristocrats, and hed come down to the hard-fisted yomanry. I
seed holes thro the hats uv men; I seed wat mite be called the flag uv
Democrisy wavin from behind em, which, ez they genrally either had no
coats at all, or if any, they were roundabouts, wuz alluz in view. I saw
wimen who disdained stockins and dipped snuff, and I felt to home. I wuz
among Democracy. The cheerin for Grant and Farragut closed ez we got
into them regions, and uv the vociferous crowds half uv em, the younger
ones, cheered Andrew Johnson, while the old veterans, them whose noses
wuz blossomin for the tomb, cheered for Andrew Jackson. His Serenity
smilinly acknowledged both, by makin a speech to em, and wavin his hat.

With these preliminary remarks I resoom my diary:--

LOUISVILLE.--There wuz a magnificent demonstration here. His Imperial
Majesty, who wuz in a eggslent condition to make crowds large enough,
remarked to me as we wuz ridin through the streets: "'Splen 'splay!
'Mor'n ten 'unerd sousand people--mor'n ten million people--mor'n ten
'unerd million people--mor'n ten 'unerd sousand million people--and
alluvum 'sporters my policy. 'Rah for me!"

His Majesty ondoubtedly eggsagerated towards the last; but it is safe to
put the throng down at a good many. That estimate is entirely safe.
There wuz the finest display uv banners and sich I hev seen since we
startid. The red white and red wuz displayed from almost half the
houses, ladies waved their handkerchiefs ez we passed, and men cheered.
A pleasin incident occurd here. I noticed one gushin maiden uv
thirty-seven wavin her handkercher ez tho she was gettin so much per
wave, and had rent to pay that nite. I recognized her to wunst. When I
wuz a citizen uv Ohio, and wuz drafted into the service uv the United
States, and clothed in a bob-tailed blue coat, and hed a Oystran muskit
put into my unwillin hands, and forced to fite agin my brethren, our
regiment passed thro Looisville and stayed there some days. I wuz walkin
one afternoon, when I met this identical angel. She saw my bloo kote,
and enraged, spit in my face with sich energy that she threw out uv her
mouth a full sett uv false teeth. I returned em gallantly, wiped my face
with my handkercher, and vowed that handkercher shood henceforth be kept
sacred. It wuz; and when I seed her wavin hern at our party, I wept like
a Philadelphia Convenshen. I stopped the carriage, met the patriotic
female, called her attention to the incident, and handed her my
handkercher which hed, four years before, wiped her spittle. The
incident gave new vigor to her arms, and from that time she waved two
handkerchers, and mine wuz one uv em. I narrated the insident to the
President, and he wept.

There wuz a large perceshen and a great variety of banners.  Among the
most noticeable, wuz a company uv solgers uv the late war, each with a
leg off, dressed in the gray uniforms into wich they hed been mustered
out, with this motto: "We are willin to go the other leg for A. Jonson."
Another company uv solgers, who hed each lost an arm, carried this
inscription: "What we didn't get by bullets, we shel get by ballots."

The President cut down his speech jest one half here. In swingin around
the cirkle he omitted to menshen that he found traitors on the Southern
side uv it. But he left the constooshn in their hands cheerfully.

CINCINNATI.--A very enthoosiastic recepshen--continyood and loud cheers
for Grant, wich the President acknowledged. A unsophisticated
Postmaster, who jined us here, wanted to know why the people cheered for
Grant instid uv the President, to which His Highness answered that they
wuz considrit--they knew his modesty, and wanted to spare his blushes.
Another man, who wuz also unsophisticated, asked him, confidenshelly, ef
he didn't think there wuz a samenis in his speeches, and that ef he
didn't think he'd do better to give a greater variety. His Eggslency
asked him how there _cood_ be more variety. "At Cincinnati," sed he, "I
observed the followin order:--

1. I swung around the cirkle.

2. I asked who wuz the Saviour ef I wuz Joodis Iskariot?

3. I left the Constitooshn, the 36 States, and the flag with 36 stars
onto it, in their hands.

Now, at Columbus, I shel vary it thusly:

1. The Constitooshn, flag, and stars.

2. The Joodis Iskariot biznis.

3. Swingin around the cirkle.

At Stoobenville, agin, ez follows:

1. Joodis Iskariot.

2. Swingin around the cirkle.

3. Constitooshn, flag, and stars.

And so on. It's susceptible uv many changes. I thot uv that when I writ
that speech, and divided it up into sections on purpose."

JOHNSTOWN, PA.--A bridge fell down, onto wich wuz 400 voters, killin a
dozen uv em. His Eggslency felt releeved when heerin uv the axident, at
bein asshoored that there wuzn't wun uv his supporters on the bridge. He
considered it a speshl Providence. The condukter overheerd the remark,
and answered, that ef any uv his supporters wuz killed in that seckshun
they'd have to import wun for the purpose.

MIFFLIN, PA.--A enthoosiastic indivijjle who wants the Post Office at
this place very much, fell on the President's neck, and wept, hailin him
ez the "Preserver uv the Union." The President thanked him for this
spontaneous triboot, and left in his hands the Constitooshun, the flag,
and the appintment he desired.

BALTIMORE.--There wuz a spontaneous recepshun here, wich wuz gratifying
to us. The perceshun wuz immense, and the mottoes expressive. One
division wuz headed by the identikle indivijooel who fired the first
shot at the Massachusetts men in 1861. He is a ardent supporter uv
President Johnson's policy. One flag wuz capchered from a Injeany
regiment at the first Bull Run, at wich the President wept. "Things is
becomin normal," sed he, "when the people will stand that. Wat
love!--wat unity! The flags uv both secshuns, wich was lately borne by
foes, now minglin in the same proceshun, and all uv em cheerin ME."

At last we arrived at Washinton, hevin swung entirely round the cirkle,
and found traitors North and South. The demonstrashen to greet the
President on his arrival was immense. The clerks in all the departments
wuz out (at least them ez wuzn't will wish they hed bin, ez their names
wuz all taken), the solgers on duty wuz ordered out, and altogether it
wuz the most spontaneous exhibition I ever witnest. The Mayor made a
speech. The President asked if he was Joodis Iscariot who wuz the
Saviour--told him he had swung around the entire cirkle, and hed found
traitors on all sides uv it, though sence he left Cleveland, Chicago,
and Indianapolis he wuz satisfied there wuz the heft uv them in the
North; but be this ez it may, he left the Constooshn, and the 36 States,
and the flag with 36 stars onto it, in his hands. He had bin Alderman uv
his native village, and Congressman, and United States Senator, and
Vice-President, and President, wich latter circumstance he considered
forchinit, but wuz, after all, an Humble Indivij'le. He didn't feel his
oats much, and wood do his dooty agin traitors North, ez well as agin
his misguided friends South.

And so ended the Presidential excursion.

                             PETROLEUM V. NASBY, P.M.
                                                (wich is Postmaster),
                              and likewise Chaplin to the expedishn.

P.S. I forgot to menshun that at Chicago we laid the corner-stone uv a
monument to Douglas. The occurence hed entirely slipped my memory.

                                                              P.V.N.




XXXIII.

At Home again.--A detailed Account of Soul-harrowing Outrages inflicted
upon the People of Confederate × Roads by a Party of Freedmen, and how
the Insult was wiped out.


                                      POST OFFIS, CONFEDRIT × ROADS
                                  (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky),
                                                 September 16, 1866.

I found my flock in a terrible state uv depression, at which, when I wuz
told the cause, I didn't wonder at. There wuz, back of the Corners on
the side hill, over towards Garrettstown, about three quarters uv a mile
this side of Abbott's grocery (we estimate distance here from one
grocery to another), five or six families uv niggers. The males of this
settlement had all been in the Federal army ez soljers, and hed saved
their pay, and bounty, and sich, and hed bought uv a disgustid
Confederate, who proposed to find in Mexico that freedom which was
denied him here, and who, bein determined to leave the country, didn't
care who he sold his plantashen to, so ez he got greenbax, three hundred
acres, wich they hed divided up, and built cabins onto em, and wuz a
cultivatin it. There wuz a store-keeper at the Corners who come here
from Illinoy, and who hed been so greedy uv gain and so graspin ez to
buy their prodoose uv em, and sell em sich supplies ez they needed.
These accursed sons and daughters of Ham was a livin there in comfort.
The thing was a gittin unendoorable. They come to the Corners dressed in
clothes without patches, and white shirts, and hats on; and the females
in dresses, and hoops under em; in short, these apes hed assoomed so
much uv the style uv people that ef it hadn't bin for their black faces,
they wood have passed for folks.

Our people become indignant, and ez soon ez I returned, I was requested
to call a meetin to consider the matter, which I uv course did.

The horn wuz tootid, and the entire Corners wuz assembled, eggscepting
the Illinoy store-keeper, who didn't attend to us much. I stated briefly
and elokently (I hev improved in public speakin sense I heered His
Serene Highness, Androo the I., all the way from Washinton to
Looisville), and asked the brethren to ease their minds.

Squire Gavitt hed observed the progress uv them niggers with the most
profoundest alarm. He hed noticed em comin to the Corners, dressed
better nor his family dressed, and sellin the produx uv their land to
that wretch--

At this point the Illinoy store-keeper come in, and the Squire
proceeded.

--he shood say Mr. Pollock, and he hed made inquiries, and found that
one family hed sold three hundred and seventy-five dollars worth uv
truck, this season, uv which they hed laid out for clothes and books two
hundred dollars, leavin em one hundred and seventy-five dollars in cash,
which was more money than he hed made sense the accursed Linkin passed
the emancipashen proclamation. And what hed driv the iron into his soul
wuz the fact that wun of them niggers wuz _his_ nigger. "The money they
hev," pursood the Squire, "is MY MONEY; that man worth $1500 is my man;
his wife is my woman; her children my children--"

"That's a literal fact!" shouted Joe Bigler, a drunken, returned
Confederate sojer; "they hev yoor nose eggsactly, and they're the
meanest yaller brats in the settlement."

This unhappy remark endid in a slite unpleasantness, wich resultid in
the Squire's bein carried out, minus one ear, and his nose smashed.
Joseph remarked that he'd wantid to git at him ever sense he woodn't
lend him a half dollar two months ago. He was now satisfied, and hoped
this little episode woodn't mar the harmony uv the meetin.

Elder Smathers observed that he hed noticed with pain that them niggers
alluz hed money, and wuz alluz dresst well, while we, their sooperiors,
hed no money, and nothin to boast uv in the way uv close. He wood say--

Pollock, the Illinoy store-keeper, put in. Ef the Elder wood work ez
them niggers wuz workin, and not loaf over half the time at Bascom's
grocery, he mite possibly hev a hull soot uv close, and now and then a
dollar in money. It wuz here, ez it wuz in all strikly Dimekratic
communities, the grocery keepers absorb all the floatin capital, and--

He wuz not allowed to proceed. Bascom flung a chair at him, and four or
five uv his constitooents fell on him. He wuz carried out for dead.
Bascom remarked that he wuz for the utmost freedom uv speech, but in the
discussion uv a grate Constooshnel question, no Illinoy Ablishnist shood
put in his yawp. The patriotic remark wuz cheered, but when Bascom ask't
the whole meetin out to drink, the applause wuz uproarious. Bascom alluz
gets applause; he knows how to move an audience.

Deekin Pogram sed he'd bore with them niggers till his patience wuz gin
out. He endoored it till last Sunday. After service he felt pensive,
ruther, and walked out towards Garrettstown, meditatin, as he went, on
the sermon he hed listened to that mornin on the necessity uv the spread
of the Gospil. Mournin in sperit over the condition of the heathen, he
didn't notis where he wuz till he found hisself in the nigger
settlement, and in front uv one uv their houses. There he saw a site
wich paralyzed him. There wuz a nigger, wich wuz wunst his nigger, wich
Linkin deprived him uv, settin under his porch, and a profanin the Holy
Bible by teachin his child to read it! "Kin this be endoored?" the
Deekin asked.

Deekin Parkins sed he must bear his unworthy testimony agin these
disturbers. They hed--he knowd whereof he spoke--hired a female woman
from Massachusetts to teach their children! He hed bin in their
skool-room, and with his own eyes witnest it.

Bascom, the grocery keeper, hed bin shocked at their conduct. He wuz
convinct that a nigger wuz a beast. They come to the Corners to sell the
produx of their lands; do they leave their money at his bar? Nary! They
spend sum uv it at the store uv a disorganizer from Illinoy, who is here
interferin with the biznis uv troo Southern men, but he hed never seed
one uv em inside his door. He hed no pashence with em, and believed
suthin shood be done to rid the community uv sich yooseless inhabitance.
Ef they ever git votes they'r agin us. No man who dodges my bar ever
votes straight Dimocrisy.

Ginral Punt moved that this meetin do to wunst proceed to the
settlement, and clean em out. They wuz a reproach to Kentucky. Of
course, ez they were heathens and savages, sich goods ez they hed wood
fall to the righteous, uv whom we wuz which, and he insisted upon a fair
divide. All he wanted wuz a bureau and a set uv chairs he hed seen.

The motion wuz amendid to inclood Pollock, the Illinoy store-keeper, and
it wuz to wunst acted upon.

Pollock wuz reconstructed first. Filled with zeal for the right, his
door wuz bustid in, and in a jiffy the goods wich he wuz a contaminatin
our people with wuz distributed among the people, each takin sich ez
sooted em. Wun man sejested that ez they wuz made by Yankees, and
brought south by Yankees, that there wuz contaminashen in the touch uv
em, and that they be burned, but he wuz hooted down, our people seein a
distinction. The contaminashen wuz in payin for em; gittin em
gratooitusly took the cuss off.

Elated, the crowd started for the settlement. I never saw more zeal
manifested. A half hour brought us there, and then a scene ensood wich
filled me with joy onspeekable. The niggers wuz routed out, and their
goods wuz bundled after em. The Bibles and skool books wuz destroyed
first, coz we hed no use for them; their chairs, tables, and bureaus,
clothin and beddin, wuz distributed. A wooman hed the impudence to beg
for suthin she fancied, when the righteous zeal uv my next door
neighbor, Pettus, biled over, and he struck her. Her husband, forgettin
his color, struck Pettus, and the outrage wuz completed. _A nigger hed
raised his hand agin a white man!_

The insulted Caucashen blood riz, and in less than a minit the bodies uv
six male Ethiopians wuz a danglin in the air, and the bodies uv six
Ethiopian wimin wuz layin prostrate on the earth. The children wuz
spared, for they wuz still young, and not hevin bin taught to read so
far that they could not forgit it, ef kept carefully from books, they
kin be brought up in their proper speer, ez servance to their brethern.
(By the way, the inspired writer must hev yoosed this word "brethern,"
in this connection, figeratively. The nigger, bein a beast, cannot be
our brother.) Some may censure us for too much zeal in this matter, but
what else cood we hev dun? We are high toned, and can't stand
everything. These niggers hed no rite to irritate us by their presence.
They knowd our feelins on the subjick, and by buyin land and remainin in
the visinity, they kindled the flame wich resulted ez it did. Ez they
did in Memphis and Noo Orleans, they brought their fate onto their own
heads.

Pollock recovered, and with the Yankee school marm who wuz a teechin the
niggers, left for the North yesterday. It speeks well for the
forbearance uv our people that they wuz permitted to depart at all.

                             PETROLEUM V. NASBY, P.M.
                                                (wich is Postmaster),
                         and likewise late Chaplin to the expedishn.




XXXIV.

Is requested to act as Chaplain of the Cleveland Convention.--That
Beautiful City visited for that Purpose.


                                      POST OFFIS, CONFEDRIT × ROADS
                                  (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky),
                                                 September 20, 1866.

I wuz sent for to come to Washington, from my comfortable quarters at
the Post Offis, to attend the convenshun uv sich soldiers and sailors uv
the United States ez bleeve in a Union uv 36 States, and who hev sworn
allejinse to a flag with 36 stars onto it, at Cleveland. My esteemed and
life-long friend and co-laborer, Rev. HENRY WARD BEECHER, wuz to hev bin
the chaplin uv the convenshun, but he failed us, and it wuz decided in a
Cabinet meetin that I shood take his place. I didn't see the necessity
uv hevin a chaplin at every little convenshun uv our party, and so
stated; but Seward remarked, with a groan, that ef ever there wuz a
party, since parties wuz invented, wich needed prayin for, ours wuz that
party. "And, Parson," sed he, glancin at a list uv delegates, "ef yoo
hev any agonizin petitions, any prayers uv extra fervency, offer em up
for these fellers. Ef there is any efficacy in prayer, it's my honest,
unbiased opinion that there never wuz in the history uv the world, nor
never will be agin, sich a magnificent chance to make it manifest. Try
yoorself particularly on Custer; tho', after all," continyood he, in a
musin, abstracted sort uv a way, wich he's fallen into lately, "the
fellow is sich a triflin bein, that he reely kin hardly be held
'sponsible for what he's doin; and the balance uv em, good Hevens!
they'r mostly druv to it by hunger." And the Secretary maundered on
suthin about "sixty days" and "ninety days," paying no more attention to
the rest uv us than ez ef we wuzn't there at all.

So, receevin transportashen and suffishent money from the secret service
fund for expenses, I departed for Cleveland, and after a tejus trip
thro' an Ablishn country, I arrived there. My thots were gloomy beyond
expression. I hed recently gone through this same country ez chaplin to
the Presidential tour, and every stashen hed its pecooliar onpleasant
remembrances. Here wuz where the cheers for Grant were vociferous, with
nary a snort for His Eggslency; there wuz where the peasantry laft in
his face when he went thro' with the regler ritooal uv presentin the
constitooshn and the flag with 36 stars onto it to a deestrick assessor;
there wuz--but why recount my sufferins? Why harrow up the public bosom,
or lasserate the public mind? Suffice to say, I endoored it; suffice to
say that I hed strength left to ride up Bank street, in Cleveland, the
scen uv the most awful insult the Eggsecutive ever receeved.

The evenin I arrived, the delegates, sich ez wuz on hand, held a
informal meetin to arrange matters so ez they wood work smooth when the
crowd finally got together. Genral Wool wuz ez gay and frisky ez though
he reely belonged to the last ginerashn. There wuz Custar, uv Michigan,
with his hair freshly oiled and curled, and busslin about ez though he
hed cheated hisself into the beleef that he reely amounted to suthin;
and there wuz seventy-eight other men, who hed distinguished theirselves
in the late war, but who hed never got their deserts, ceptin by brevet,
owin to the fact that the Administrashn wuz Ablishn, which they wuzn't.
They were, in a pekuniary pint uv view, suthin the worse for wear, tho'
why that shood hev bin the case I coodent see (they hevin bin, to an
alarmin extent, quartermasters and commissaries, and in the recrootin
service), til I notist the prevailin color uv their noses, and heerd one
uv em ask his neighbor ef Cleveland wuz blest with a faro bank! Then I
knowd all about it.

There wuz another pekooliarity about it which for a time amoozed me.
Them ez wuz present wuz divided into 2 classes--those ez hed bin
recently appinted to posishens, and them ez expected to be shortly. I
notist on the countenances uv the first class a look uv releef, sich ez
I hev seen in factories Saturday nite, after the hands wuz paid off for
a hard week's work; and on the other class the most wolfish, hungry,
fierce expression I hev ever witnessed. Likewise, I notist that the
latter set uv patriots talked more hefty uv the necessity uv sustainin
the policy uv our firm and noble President, and damned the Ablishunists
with more emphasis and fervency than the others.

One enthoosiastic individual, who hed bin quartermaster two years, and
hed bin allowed to resign "jest after the battle, mother," wich, hevin
his papers all destroyed, made settlin with the government a easy
matter, wuz so feroshus that I felt called upon to check him. "Gently,
my frend," sed I, "gently! I hev bin thro' this thing; I hev my
commission. It broke out on me jest ez it hez on yoo; but yoo won't git
yoor Assessorship a minit sooner for it."

"It ain't a Assessorship I want," sez he. "I hev devoted myself to the
task uv bindin up the wounds uv my beloved country--"

"Did you stop anybody very much from inflictin them sed wounds?"
murmured I.

"An ef I accept the Post Orfis in my native village,--which I hev bin
solissited so strongly to take that I hev finally yielded,--I do it only
that I may devote my few remainin energies wholly to the great cause uv
restorin the 36 States to their normal posishens under the flag with 36
stars onto it, in spite uv the Joodis Iskariots wich, ef I am whom, wat
is the Saviour, and--and where is--"

Perseevin that the unfortunate man hed got into the middle uv a
quotashen from the speech uv our noble and patriotic President, and
knowin his intellek wuzn't hefty enough to git it off jist as it wuz
originally delivered, I took him by the throat, and shet off the flood
uv his elokence.

"Be quiet, yoo idiot!" remarked I, soothingly, to him. "Yoo'll git your
apintment, becoz, for the fust time in the history uv this or any other
Republic, there's a market for jist sich men ez yoo; but all this
blather won't fetch it a minit sooner."

"Good Lord!" tho't I, ez I turned away, "wat a President A.J. is, to hev
to buy up _sich_ cattle! Wat a postmaster he must be, whose gineral
cussedness turns _my_ stummick!"

It wuz deemed necessary to see uv wat we wuz compozed; whereupon Kernel
K----, who is now Collector uv Revenue in Illinoy, asked ef there wuz
ary man in the room who hed bin a prizner doorin the late fratricidle
struggle. A gentleman uv, perhaps, thirty aroze, and sed he wuz. He hed
bin taken three times, and wuz, altogether, 18 months in doorance vile
in three diffrent prizns.

Custar fell on his neck, and asked him, aggitatidly, ef he wuz
shoor--quite shoor, after sufferin all that, that he supported the
policy of the President? Are you quite shoor--quite shoor?

"I am," returned the phenomenon. "I stand by Andrew Johnson and his
policy, and I don't want no office!!"

"Hev yoo got wun?" shouted they all in korus.

"Nary!" sed he. "With me it is a matter uv principle!"

"Wat prizns wuz yoo incarcerated in?" asked I, lookin at him with
wonder.

"Fust at Camp Morton, then at Camp Douglas, and finally at Johnson's
Island!"

Custar dropt him, and the rest remarked that, while they hed a very
helthy opinion uv him, they guessed he'd better not menshen his
presence, or consider hisself a delegate. Ez ginerous foes they loved
him ruther better than a brother; yet, as the call didn't quite inclood
him, tho' there wuz a delightful oneness between em, yet, ef 'twuz all
the same, he hed better not announce hisself. He wuz from Kentucky, I
afterwards ascertained.

The next mornin, suthin over two hundred more arriv; and the delegashens
bein all in, it wuz decided to go on with the show. A big tent hed bin
brought on from Boston to accommodate the expected crowd, and quite an
animated discussion arose ez to wich corner uv it the Convenshun wuz to
ockepy. This settled, the biznis wuz begun. Genral WOOL wuz made
temporary Chairman, to wich honor he responded in a elokent
extemporaneous speech, which he read from manuscript. General EWING made
another extemporaneous address, which he read from manuscript, and we
adjourned for dinner.

[Illustration: THE CLEVELAND CONVENTION.]

The dinner hour was spent in caucussin privately in one uv the parlors
uv the hotel. The Chairman asked who shood make speeches after dinner,
wen every man uv em pulled from his right side coat pocket a roll uv
manuscript, and sed he hed dotted down a few ijees wich he hed
conclooded to present extemporaneously to the Convenshun. That Babel
over, the Chairman sed he presoomed some one shood be selected to
prepare a address; whereupon every delegate rose, and pulled a roll uv
manuscript from his left side coat pocket, and sed he hed dotted down a
few ijees on the situashn, wich he proposed to present, et settry. This
occasioned another shindy; wen the Chairman remarked "Resolushens," wen
every delegate rose, pulled a roll uv manuscript from his right breast
coat pocket, and sed he hed jotted down a few ijees, wich, &c.

I stood it until some one mentioned me ez Chaplin to the expedition
West, when the pressure becum unendurable. They sposed I was keeper uv
the President's conscience, and I hed not a minit's peece after that. In
vain I ashoored em that, there bein no consciences about the White
House, no one could hold sich a offis; in vain I ashoored em that I hed
no influence with His Majesty. Two thirds uv em pulled applicashens for
places they wanted from the left breast coat pocket, and insistid on my
takin em, and seem that they was appinted. I told em that I cood do
nuthin for em; but they laft me to skorn. "You are jist the style uv
man," said they, "who hez inflooence with His Eggslency, and yoo must do
it." Hemmed in, there wuz but one way uv escape, and that way I took.
Seezin a carpet sack, wich, by the way, belonged to a delegate (I took
it to give myself the look of a traveler), I rushed to the depot, and
startid home, entirely satisfied that ef Cleveland may be taken as a
sample, the less His Majesty depends on soljers, the better.

                             PETROLEUM V. NASBY, P.M.
                                                (wich is Postmaster),
                         and likewise late Chaplin to the expedishn.

P.S. I opened the carpet sack on the train, spectin to find a clean
shirt in it, at least. It contained, to my disgust, an address to be
read before the Cleveland Convention, a set uv resolutions, a speech,
and a petition uv the proprietor thereof for a collectorship, signed by
eight hundred names, and a copy uv the Indiana State Directory for 1864.
The names wuz in one hand-writin, and wuz arranged alphabetically.




XXXV.

An Appeal to the People just before the October Elections.


                                      POST OFFIS, CONFEDRIT × ROADS
                                  (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky),
                                                    October 1, 1866.

President Johnson, who hez bin likened to Androo Jaxon, and wich, since
my appintment I conseed him to be, in many partikelers, his sooperior,
requested me and William H. Seward (his secretary and chaplin) to draw
up and publish to the Democracy of the various States holdin elecshuns
this fall an address, or ruther an appeal, firmly beleevin that hed he
extendid his tour to Maine, and isshood an address to em, that that
state wood not hev gone ez it did. William refoozed to take part in the
appeal, sayin that it warnt uv no use, and so the dooty devolved upon
me.


DEMOCRATS AND CONSERVATIVES UV THE NORTH:

Appresheatin the gravity uv the isshoo, I address yoo.  The signs uv the
times is ominus. A Radikle Congress, electid durin the time when the
Southin States, wich comprises reely all the intellek uv this people,
didn't take no part in the elekshen, bein too bizzy gettin out uv
Sherman's way to open polls,--a Congress, I repeat, in wich there ain't
no Southern man, and wich consekently kant, by any stretch uv the hooman
imaginashen, be considered Constitooshnel, hez dared to thwart the
President uv the United States, and set up its will agin hisn! I need
skarcely recount its high-handed acts uv usurpashen. It passed a bill
givin rites to niggers, wich, accordin to Scripter (see Onesimus, Ham,
and Hagar, the only three texts in Scripter uv any partikeler account)
and the yoosages uv the Democrisy, ain't got no rites; and the
President, exercisin the high prerogatives put into his hands by the
Constitooshen, vetoed it. Here the matter should hev endid. He hed
expressed, in a manner strikly Constitooshenel, his objecshens to the
measure; and a proper regard for his feelins, and just deference for his
opinions, ought to hev indicated the right course. Here wuz peace
offered this Congres. Here wuz the tender uv a olive branch. The
President didn't want a quarrel with Congres; he didn't desire a
continyooance uv the agitation wich hed shook the country like a
Illinois ager; but he desired Peece. Congres cood hev hed it hed they
only withdrawed their crood noshens uv what wus rite and what wuz wrong;
ratified, ez they shood hev done, sich laws ez the President saw fit to
make: in short, hed they follered the correct rool when we hev a
Demokratic President, and put the Government in his hands, with an
abidin trust in his rectitood and wisdom, we mite hev avoided this
struggle, and thus wood hev bin peaceful. But this reckless Congris,
bent upon consentrating power in its hands instid uv dividin it between
him and Seward, passed the bill over his head, regardlis uv his feelins!
The responsibility for the dissension rests, therefore, with Congres.

But these questions are altogether too hefty for the Demokratic
intellek, and I fling em out for the considerashen uv the few Post
Masters we get from the Union ranks. To the Dimocrisy I Address myself
more partickerlerly.

DO YOU WANT TO MARRY A NIGGER? This ishoo is agin before yoo. Are you in
favor uv elevatin the Afrikin to a posishen where he kin be yoor ekal,
or perhaps yoor sooperior? That ishoo is agin before yoo for yoor
decision, only the danger to yoo is increased. The matter has become
threatening; for, disgise it ez we may, thousands uv em kin read, and
they are akkumulatin property, and wearin good clothes to a extent
trooly alarmin to the Dimokratic mind. We hev alluz consoled ourselves
with the soothin reflection that there wuz a race lower down in the
scale uv humanity than us uns. Shall we continue to enjoy that comfort?
That's the question for every Dimokrat to consider when he votes this
fall. Remove the weight uv legal disability, and ten to one ef they
don't outstrip us even, and then where are we goin to look for a race to
look down upon? It's a close thing atween us now; and ez we uv this
generation can't elevate ourselves, why, for our own peece uv mind, we
must,--I repeet it,--MUST pull them down.

Agin then I repeet, DO YOU WANT TO MARRY A NIGGER? Yoor daughters wunst
carried banners onto wich wuz inskribed that trooly Dimokratic motto,
"White husbands or none!" and in consequence they've bin mostly livin in
the enjoyment uv none. Are they to go back on that holy determinashen to
preserve the Anglo Sackson race on this continent in its purity? Do yoo
want the nigger--the big buck nigger--the flat-footed nigger--the
woolly-headed nigger--the long-heeled nigger--the bow-legged nigger--the
NIGGER--to step up aside uv yoo, and exercise the prerogatives uv
freemeen in this country? Do you want the nigger aforesed to be mayors
uv your towns, with all the hatred they hev towards us? Wat chance, O
Dimokratic dweller in cities! think yoo yoo'd hev if hauled up afore a
nigger mayor on a charge uv disorderly conduct? Wat chance wood yoor
children hev in a skool uv wich all the teechers wuz niggers? Wat chance
wood yoo hev wen arrestid for small misdemeanors, afore nigger judges?

How, let me ask, in the name of High Heaven, wood yoo like to be tried
for hoss stealin afore a nigger jury?

"But," say some uv yoo, who, set ravin by drums, and flags, and sich,
went off violently into the war, and wuz, perhaps, saved from starvin by
niggers, "these niggers wuz our friends in the late war--they fought
agin the South!"

O, wat a deloosion! O, wat blindnis! Troo, they did; and that shows the
danger that's afore us; that lifts the fog from the precipise onto wich
we are standin, and shows us our danger. Wat does this fact prove? It
proves the onreasonableness uv the Nigger--his discontentednis with the
posishen to wich nacher assigned him, and his cussid disposition to
upset the normal condition. The Bible makes him a servant unto his
brethren (see Ham, Hagar, and Onesimus, three blessed texts). Science
proves him to be, not a man, but a beast; and so, take him ez we may,
either ez our brother or ez a beast,--and Dimocrisy, with that
liberality wich hez always distinguished it, gives every man his choice
wich theory to take,--his condition is servitood. But he, with a
cussidness, a perversity wich I never cood understand, flies into the
face uv the Divine decree, flies into the face uv science, and asserts
his independence! He turned agin them ez hed fostered him; turned agin,
in many instances, his own parents (in these instances, for convenience,
the parents adopted the brethren theory), and for an abstract idea
fought agin em. That restlessness under bonds alarmed the Dimocratic
mind. We who owned em under the Skripter (see Onesimus, Hagar, and Ham),
and under the eternal laws uv scientific trooth wuz content with the
arrangement, and why shood they not hev bin? Things wuz normal. They
worked, and we eat; and ef they hed bin content with this ekitable
division uv the labor uv life, all wood hev bin smooth to-day.

Their takin part agin us at the South, and in favor uv the Federals, is,
instead uv a coz uv feelin good toward em, a source uv oneasiness;
instid uv bein a reason for elevatin uv em, it's my principal reason for
depressin uv em. Sich onsettled minds shood be quieted; this itchin to
raise theirselves shood be crushed out uv em, that Science and Holy Writ
(see Onesimus, Hagar, and Ham) may be vindicated.

Shel we desert Androo Johnson, after all the trouble he hez bin to in
gettin back to us? Shel we elect a Congres this fall so soaked in
Ablishin--so filled with objeckshuns to our Southern brethren, ez to
refooze to receive em back into the seats which they vacated? Consider!
The Southern Dimokracy hevn't, and don't, lay up nothin agin yoo. They
are willin to forgive and forget. They failed, but they are willin to
forgiv the cause uv the failyoor. They hevn't got the government they
wanted, but they find no fault with that, but are willin to take charge
of the wun they hev bin compelled to live under. Kin they offer fairer?
The fate uv war wuz agin em. Buryin all hard feelins, they extend to us
Chrischen charity, and say, Here we are--take us--give us our old
places. They hev bin chastened. Their household gods hev bin destroyed,
and their temples torn down. Wun neighbor uv mine lost two sons in the
Confedrit army; another son, which he hed refoosed $1500 for in 1860, he
wuz compelled to shoot, coz he wuz bound to run away into the Federal
army; and two octoroons, which he hed a dozen times refoosed $2500 for,
each, in Noo Orleans, he saw layin dead on the steps uv a skool house in
Memphis. Hez he suffered nothin? And yet he is willin to take a seat in
Congress--forgettin all he hez suffered, and forgivin the cause thereof.
What wickedness it is wich would further bruise sich a broken reed!

Therefore, ez yoo love yourselves and hate the nigger, I implore yoo to
act. Take yoor choice uv the platforms uv the different States--vote ez
a Johnson Unionist, or ez a Democratic Johnsonian--but vote.

Kentucky holds out her hands appealingly! Kentucky implores yoo to bild
up a bulwark North uv the Ohio River to save what little is left uv pure
Dimocracy there! Kentucky will back yoo in yoor endeavors. Will you heed
her cry? Shel she appeel in vain? Forbid it, Hevin!

                             PETROLEUM V. NASBY, P.M.
                                                (wich is Postmaster).




XXXVI.

The October Elections.--The Effect the Result produced in Kentucky.

[Illustration: AFTER THE FALL ELECTION.]


                                                  CONFEDRIT × ROADS
                                  (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky),
                                                   October 14, 1866.

There is mournin in Kentucky. The results of the elections in Ohio,
Injeany, Pennsylvany, and Iowa reached me yesterday through a Looisville
paper, wich wuz dropped off the cars at Secessionville, wich is the
nearest station to us, and wich, I hapnin to be there, I picked up.

Ohio--40,000 Ablishin!

Injeany--20,000 Ablishin!

Pennsylvany--20,000 Ablishin!

Iowa--30,000 Ablishin!

ABLISHIN! Wat a dreery waste uv Ablishin! Not a single oasis uv
Dimocrisy anywhere,--nary Aryrat on wich our ark kin rest in
safety,--but all around us the mad waves uv Ablishnism rearin their
crestid heads muchly.

I felt it my dooty to make this fact known to my neighbors; for, sposin
that His Serene Highness' trip wood secure us enuff deestricts to make
the next Congress safe, and consekently make us certin uv admission,
they hed been makin arrangements for restorin things to their normal
condishun, ez they were before the war.

In fact, two weeks before, in view of the expected success uv the
Democracy, a meetin hed bin held on the subject. Some wuz for at once
seezin the niggers wherever they cood be found, and puttin em at work;
but the conservatives overruled this. They held that slavery hed bin
abolished, and that it ought not be restored; in fact, that, to act in
good faith, it cood not be reëstablished. Deekin Pogram announced a
plan. The town authorities shood pass a ordinance for the proper
government uv the niggers. Their good and ourn demanded it. For
instance, they shood not be permitted to be out after 7 o'clock, P.M.,
in the evenin; they shoodent leave the plantashen onto wich they wuz
employed; they shood work every day till 7; and to do away with the
pernicious work uv the Freedmen's Bureau, no man and wife wich hed bin
married by a chaplin uv the Bureau, or by any one else, shood be
employed on the same plantashen, and also no father or mother and child.
Sich ez violated these ordinances shood be arrested by anybody, and
fined; and in default uv payment uv the fine and costs, shood be sold to
the person who wood take his or her labor for the shortest number uv
years, and pay the fine and costs aforesed. "Ez a conservative," sed the
Deekin, "I sejest this plan."

"Do yoo want to know my definition uv the word 'conservative?'" sed Joe
Bigler, a returned Confederate soljer, who, I bleeve, hez seen enough uv
war. "It's a man who goes a roundabout way to do a devlish mean thing.
Deekin, why can't yoo go to the devil by a straight road, ez I do?"

The interupshen uv the demoralized wretch wuzn't notist; and ez the
trustees uv the township wuz all present, the ordinance wuz passed, and
that night two thirds uv the niggers within five miles uv the Corners
wuz arrested and sold, and within two weeks every one hed bin capcherd.

I hied me to the Corners, and the first man I saw wuz Bascom, the
grocery keeper, engaged in the congenial biznis uv tappin a barrel uv
contentment, wich he hed just receeved. I wuz a goin to tell him the
dread intelligence, when he caught site uv me. "Taste that, Parson," sed
he, holdin out a tin dipper full. I drank it off, and one look at him
onmand me. "Kin I o'ercloud that smilin cheek?" thot I, ez, in a fit uv
absent-mindednis,--wich I hev every now and then,--I held out the empty
dipper to be filled agin, wich it wuz. "No! for a time he shel be
spared;" and I borrered his mule, and rode away pensively.

I wuz goin fust to Deekin Pogram's, for he wuz the most interested uv
eny in the settlement. After the meetin mentioned above, the Deekin hed
caused the arrest uv sich niggers ez he cood ketch, and had had em fined
in sums uv $275 and uppards, wich bein unable, ez a rool, to pay the
fine, he hed kindly bid em in.

He hed picked up, here and there, all uv his old servants, ceptin those
wich hed bin killed in the army, and the few misguided ones wich hed
made their way North, and that mornin the plantashen wuz to be
reconstructed upon the old patriarkle system. Mrs. Deekin Pogram wuz
marshellin four uv the likeliest wenches I ever saw in the kitchen; his
son Tom wuz chuckin a yaller girl under the chin, wich hed bin born on
the place about eighteen years before, and wich, owin to a unfortunate
resemblance to the Deekin, bed caused a onpleasantnis between him and
his wife, wich endid in the loss uv the most uv his hair, and the sellin
uv the girl's mother to Noo Orleans. The two girls hed each their
waitin-maids, and wuz a puttin them through their paces. There hed bin
some trouble in gittin em reconstructed, it bein deemed nessary to take
the conseet out uv em, wich they wuz all a doin. Ez I rode up, the old
lady bed jest knocked one uv em down with a fire-shovel, and wuz dancin
a Highland fling onto her prostrate body. Almira, the oldest gal, hed
her fingers in the wool uv her gal; and tother one wuz a thumpin hern to
redose her to her proper level; and the Deekin hisself wuz a deelin with
one ongrateful wretch, who objected to bein put to work on them terms,
not realizin that the Bureau was gone. Ez the Deekin hed a revolver he
yielded the pint, and submitted to be flogged, wich the Deekin wuz doin
ez neatly ez I ever saw, considerin he hed bin out uv practis four
years. He had him tied up to a tree, and wuz a wollopin uv him gorjus.
While he wuz a convinsin uv him with his whip that there wuz trooth in
the Skripter, and that Ham wuz reely a servant unto his bretherin, I
exclaimed, "Stop!" and immejitly whispered the appallin news in his left
ear (tother one hed bin chawed off in a misunderstandin at Bascom's the
previous Sunday nite, after servis). Never shel I forgit the look uv woe
on that eminent Christian's face. The whip fell from his nerveless hand;
and with teers streemin down his cheeks, washin up little streaks uv
dirt in the most heart-rendin manner, he gasped in a husky voice to the
wife uv his buzzum, "Cut him down, Mirandy! The North's gone Ablishin,
and the d----d niggers will be free anyhow!" and the old patriarch
swooned away at my feet.

And sich an expression of anguish ez distorted the face uv the Deekin's
wife I hope never to see agin. Droppin the shovel, she stood ez one
petrified, with her foot elevated in mid air, ez in the act uv stompin,
and uttering a shreek wich methinks I hear ringing in my ears yet, she
fell precisely ez she stood, with her leg crooked ez ef 'twuz froze
there. Tom released the gal he wuz subdooin, and mountin his horse rode
off to the Corners without saying a word; and unable to witness the
distress uv that stricken family, I made haste to mount my mule and go
to; while the niggers, feelin that they were wunst more their own men
and women, scattered in every direction.

"Sich is the froots uv Radikelism," murmured I. "Sich is the bitter cup
fanaticism hez put to our lips;" and castin one lingring look at the
prostrate forms uv the Deekin, his wife (with her foot insensibly
raised), and their two gushin daughters, I spurred the mule, and
departed.

Wood that every Ablishnist in the North hed seen that site, and wuz
possessed uv a sole to appreshate it! Then would they vote differently.

                             PETROLEUM V. NASBY, P.M.
                                                (wich is Postmaster).




XXXVII.

The October Elections.--Mr. Nasby's Opinion on the Cause of the Defeat
of the President.


                                                  CONFEDRIT × ROADS
                                  (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky),
                                                   October 14, 1866.

I wuz called in haste to Washington to be present at a Cabinet meetin
called to consider the causes uv the onparalleled loosenin uv the
Nashnel Union Johnson Dimekratic party in the various States wich held
elections on the 9th uv October last. There wuz Seward, Wells,
McCulloch, and Randall present; but we missed Raymond and Beecher, they
hevin, I understand, played off onto us.

The President wuz gloomy. He hedn't anticipated the defeat. He spected
that, hevin showd hisself through all the Northern States, ther ought to
hev ben enthoosiasm enough evolved to hev carried em without trouble.
The fault, he remarked, coodent be with his policy. Ther wuz suthin so
grand, so sublimely simple in it, that it wuz incomprehensible to him
why the people hedn't at once adopted it. "Why, look at it," sed he. "I
offer the people uv the North peace, on the simple condishn uv sayin
nothin more about the war, or the mutual trouble which they found
theirselves into, and rushin into the arms uv their Southern brethren,
and takin uv em back jist ez they went out. How, O! how cood they be so
blind ez to refoose these olive branches?"

Randall replied that he coodent understand it; but he hed summoned a
Postmaster to attend, wich he hed appinted on his solemn asshoorance
that he cood carry enough Republicans over to our new party to defeat
the Union member in that District, wich he notist by the papers wuz
elected by a larger majority than he hed ever reseeved, and he wuz in
waitin.

"Bring in the wretch!" shouted the President; and the guard brung him
in. A mizable lookin objick he wuz. Ez soon ez he saw the stern eye uv
the President fixed on him, he sunk to his knees, and lifted up his
hands implorinly, without sayin a word.

"Speak!" sed the President. "Why the result in yoor Deestrict?"

"My liege," replied the wretched man, "I know not. Faithfully I labored;
but the people wood come into the house holdin their noses, and set a
holdin uv em so long ez I wuz speekin, wich wuzn't conducive to displays
of oratory. The papers wood publish my own utterances six months before,
wich confused me somewhat; and the ablishnists would read at me yoor
speeches, wich I coodent akkount for. I seekoored for yoo suthin like a
dozen votes; but they wuz them ez stipulated for places under me, and I
hed hard work to git em from the Union party, and they wuz sich ez did
us more harm than good. And besides--"

"Enuff!" sed Johnson, "Remove him."

And the poor fellow wuz bundled out.

Secretary Welles knowd wat wuz the matter. It come uv takin Grant and
Farrygut along on the excursion. It distracted the attention uv the
people. Hed there bin nobody but the President and the Cabinet along,
there woodent hev bin nobody to hurrah for, and the sublime trooths,
wieh the President kin only jerk, wood hev impressed the people more
than they did.

Seward wuz confident that the election wood hev bin all right cood it
hev bin postponed ninety days; while McCullock attribooted it to the
limited knowledge the masses hed uv Injeany bankin.

I wuz rekested to give my views, wich I did.

"My lords," sed I, "none uv you hev got the ijee. We wuz beet because we
left the landmarks--that's wat ailed us, wuz the anshent landmarks. Wat
hed we to go into this canvass with? Democrisy? Not any; for that wuz
squelched at Philadelphia. Wat then? Why, the offises. Offises, in the
abstract, is good. That little one which I hold in Kentucky I coodent be
indoost to part with on no account; but yoo can't run a party on em,
because there ain't enough uv em.

"My liege, on my return from the Philadelphia Convention I tarried a
while in Berks county, which is in Pennsylvania, and is distinguished
for the unanimity with which they vote Democracy. My liege, they learned
down there mor'n six weeks ago that the war wuz over, and therefore yoo
coodent stir em up on drafts. Taxes they had got used to, and that
didn't move em; and so the speaker wuz emptyin school-houses by talkin
uv the results uv a glorious war, wich they all opposed, and praisin our
mutual friend Seward, wich they had alluz hated as a Ablishnist, and
hedn't heerd yet that he had jined the Demokracy. Wuz it any wonder that
we went under? Ther ain't but one thing left to us, and that we
strangely neglected. My liege, why wuz the NIGGER not made the central
figger this year, ez before? They is the capital uv the Democrisy, its
refuge, its tower of strength. I spoke in Berks county myself, following
one of them new-fangled Democrats, who hed set em all asleep talkin
stuff to em that they didn't understand. Mountin the rostrum, I
ejaculated,--

"'MEN AND BRETHREN, DO YOO WANT TO MARRY A NIGGER?'

"'No! no!' they answered, straightenin up towunst.

"'Do you want niggers for sons-in-law?'

"'No! no!'

"'Do you want laws to prevent you from marryin niggers?'

"'Yes! yes!'

"'Do you want to be marched up to the polls by those who tell you how to
vote, beside a nigger?'

"'No! no!'

"'Then vote the Demekratic ticket.' And they all replied,--

"'We will! we will!' and they did. You see, your Exslency, the
Demekratic mind isn't hefty enough to comprehend them fine arguments ez
to constitootinality, et setry; and when a speaker deals in em, they
suspect his Dimocrisy, and fight shy uv him. But nigger they kin all
understand. It's soothin to the Dimekratic mind to be continyooally told
that there is somebody lower down in the skale. They desire a inferior
race, and therefore hev bin pullin the nigger down toward em for years.
Did yoo not notis whenever we went it on the nigger we succeeded in
awakenin an enthoosiasm, wich, when we neglected him, or selected other
issues, we failed to get?

"It's based upon philosophical trooths. The poorer and meaner a man is,
the more anxious he is to hev it understood that there's somebody still
poorer and meaner than him. Hence, you notis, that them individooals who
see a 5 cent peese so seldom ez to not know its nacher, and who keep the
flag uv distress wavin from the seat uv their pants,--who, ef niggers
wuz sellin at a cent a peese, coodent raise enough to buy the toe nail
uv one,--is the most ardent friends of Slavery.

"That pitiful man wich jest left the presence wuz not to blame for the
result in his Deestrick. He tried to earn his bread; but wat cood he do?
The Ablishnists knowd he wuz bought with a price, and laffed at him. The
Democrisy, sich ez voted, we'd hev got anyhow. Them ez didn't vote, nor
do nothin, wuz the upper class, wich expected the offises themselves,
and wuz disgusted accordinly.

"My liege, I hev spoke. Yoo can't do nothin with a new party; for yoo
kin only git the Dimocrisy to jine it, and they won't do it onless the
offises is throwd in. Yoo can't run the Dimocrisy on only one issue, and
that's the nigger; for it's all they kin understand. So long ez the
nigger exists, Dimocrisy endoors; when the race becomes extinct, the
party dies. The two is indissolubly bound together; one wuz created for
tother, and tother for one. When Noah cust Ham he laid the foundashens
uv Dimocrisy. Ham wuz turned into a nigger because Noah got intoxicated.
His misfortune originated with wine; and whisky, wich is the modern
substitoot therefor, bein the motive power uv Dimocrisy, hez bin
persekutin him ever sence. I attriboot the decline uv the Dimocrisy to
the bleachin out uv the Afrikin, and that's why I oppose amalgamashen.
Yoo can't hate a mulatter only half ez much ez yoo kin a full-blood; and
it will be observed that the intensity uv Demokricy has decreased
precisely in proportion to the scarcity uv pure blacks. Thus Demokrisy
is committin suicide; it hez bin the means uv its own destruction.

"I don't know ez there's eny yoose uv talkin. The Congressmen elected
this fall continyoo in offis, my liege, jist precisely ez long ez yoo
do, to a day, and by that time they'll hev it all fixed. Noo York may
change in our favor, but I think not. The break commenst in Maine, and
it increased as it progressed. We're gone in. The Ablishnists laughs in
glee, and the nigger shows all his ivories. We shel hold our places two
years, and then farewell to our greatness.

"I pity yoo, my lord; but I can't help yoo. Ez for myself, I kin save
enuff out uv my Post Offis to start a small grocery at the expiration uv
my term, and then farewell politics. In that pleasant callin I'll flote
down the stream uv Time, until Death closes the polls, and ends the
struggle. I hev sed."

The Conference ended with this: for they wuz all too much affected to
say anything. Seward murmered suthin about it would be all right in
sixty days; that there wuz no denyin that the people wuz happy; but no
one paid any attention to him. I went home, leavin em all in tears.

                             PETROLEUM V. NASBY, P.M.
                                                (wich is Postmaster).




XXXVIII.

"Will you have Andrew Johnson President or King?"--A Dream, in which
Andrew Johnson figures as a King, surrounded by his Nobles.


                                                  CONFEDRIT × ROADS
                                  (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky),
                                                   October 24, 1866.

Dreams is only vouchsafed to persons uv a imaginative and speritooal
nacher, uv whom I am which. Ther aint anything gross or sensual about me
that I know uv. Troo I eat pork, but that is to offset the effex uv
whisky, wich, ef twasn't counteracted, wood make me entirely too
etherial for this grovelin world. I eat pork, to restrain my exuberant
imaginashun, and enable me to come down to the dry detail uv offish'l
life--to fit me for the proper discharge uv my dooties ez a Postmaster.
Whiskey lifts me above the posishun--pork brings me back agin. It's fat
and greasy, like the pay and perquisites uv the Postmaster--it comes
from the most nasty, senseless, and unclean uv animals, like our
commishuns--in short, I recommend all uv Johnson's Postmasters to eat
pork. It's ther nateral diet.

Last nite I partook uv a pound or so too much, and ez a consekence,
didn't sleep well. While I wuz eatin (moistnin my lips with Looisville
conslation the while), I wuz a musin onto Seward's question, whether
they wood hev Johnson President or King, and while musin I fell in2 the
arms uv Morfus. My mind bust loose from the body and sored. Ez I sunk to
slumber, the narrow room, wich is at wunst my offis and dormitory,
widened and enlarged, the humble chairs become suddenly upholstered in
gorgus style, the taller dip become multiplied into thousands uv gorgus
chandileers, the portraits uv His Highness the President, and the other
Democrats on the wall, became alive. I comprehended the situation to
wunst. ANDROO JOHNSON had cut the Gorjan knot with someboddy's sword,
and hed carried out his Policy to its nateral concloosion. He was King,
and wuz reignin under the title uv ANDROO THE I., and I wuz (in my dreem
uv course) in his kingly halls.

It wuz, methawt, a reception nite. His High Mightiness wuz a sittin onto
a elevated throne, covered with red velvet, and studded with diamonds,
and pearls, and onyxs, and other precious stones--onto his head wuz a
crown, and he wuz enveloped into a robe uv black velvet, his nose and
the balance uv his face gleaming out like a flash uv litenin from a
thunder cloud. Lyin prostrate at the foot uv the throne, doin the offis
uv a footstool, wuz Charles Sumner, wunst Senator, wich wuz typikle uv
the complete triumph we hed won over our enemies; while doin other
menial offices about the halls, wuz Wade, Wilson, Fessenden, Sherman,
and others who hed opposed the change from a Republic to a Kingdom. They
wuz clothed in a approprit costoom, knee breeches and sich, and
presented a pekoolyerly imposin appearance.

Carriages containing the nobility began to arrive, and ez they entered,
the Grand High Lord Chamberlin uv the Palis, the Markis von Randall,
announct em. "Dook de Davis!" was ejackelatid, and Jeffson entered.
"Earl von Toombs," "Sir Joseph E. Johnston," "Markis de Bouregard,"
"Count de Pollard," and so forth.

Noticin that the titles I hed heerd wuz mostly tacked to Southern men, I
asked Giddy Welles, who wuz standin by, why it wuz thus, and he sed that
Northners wuzn't reely fit for it. We wuz, he said, a low, grovlin race,
and coodent adapt ourselves to the habits uv nobility. The South wuz
shivelrus, and cood do it. They wuz given to tournaments and sich--they
hed got accustomed to cirkus clothes, and cood wear a sword without its
gettin awkwardly between the legs. Northern men, sich ez were faithful,
wuz allowed to barsk in the smiles uv royalty, but it wuz in sich
positions ez sooted their capacity. He, for instance, hed charge uv the
royal poultry yard, a position which he bleved he filled to the entire
satisfaction uv his beloved and royal master. He hed now four hens a
settin, each on four eggs, and he hoped in the course uv two years, ef
there wuz no adverse circumstances, to hev fresh eggs for the royal
table. It wuz a position uv great responsibility, and one wich weighed
upon him. Seward wuz privy counsler, Doolittle wuz steward uv the
household, and Thurlow Weed wuz Keeper uv the King's revenue, and wuz a
doin very well indeed.

By this time the company assembled. His Highness wuz in a merry mood,
and unbendid hisself. Ther wuz a knot uv the nobility gathered in a
corner, and after a earnest interview uv a minnit, Count Von Cowan
advanced to the foot uv the throne, and on bendid knee demanded a boon.

"What, my faithful servitor, dost thou most desire?" sed His Highness.

"We wood, Your Majesty, hev the prisoners uv state brot into the
presence, that we may make merry over 'em."

"It shel be done," sed His Majesty, and forthwith Baron von Steedman,
who hed command uv the King's Household Body Guard, wuz sent for them.
In a moment they wuz brot in. They wuz a mizable lookin set. Forney and
Wendell Phillips wuz chained together, Fred Douglass and Anna Dickinson,
Dick Yates and Gov. Morton, Ben Butler and Carl Shurz, Kelly and Covode,
while Chase wuz tied to Horis Greely, onto whose back wuz a placard,
inscribed, "The last uv the Tribunes;" at wich Raymond, who left the
Radikels and declared for the empire at precisely the rite time, and wuz
now editor of the _Court Journal_, laffed immodritly. Some one
exclaimed, "Bring in Thad Stevens!" at wich His Majesty turned pale, and
his knees smote together. "Don't, don't!" sez he; "he's strength enuff
left to wag his tongue. Keep him away! keep him away!" and he showed ez
much fear ez men do in delirum tremens when they see snakes.

Methawt I made inquiries, and found that things wuz workin satisfactory.
Gen. Grant wuz in exile, and Gen. Sheridan hed bin decapitatid for
refoosin to acquiesce in the new arrangement. The country hed bin
divided into dookdoms and earldoms, and sich, over wich the nobility
rooled with undispooted authority. The principal men uv the North hed
been capcherd and subdooed, and wuz a fillin menial positions in the
palaces uv the nobility. No Lord or Dook or Earl considered himself well
served onless he hed a half dozen Northern Congressmen in his house,
while the higher grade uv nobility wuzn't content with anythin less than
Guvners. The indebtednis uv the South to the North hed bin adjustid. A
decree hed bin ishood to the effect that Northern merchants who shood
press a claim agin a Southerner shood be beheaded and his goods
confistikated. The question uv slavery hed bin settled forever, for the
Dimekratic ijee uv one class to serve and one class to be served wuz
fully establisht. There wuz now three classes uv society, the hereditary
nobility, the untitled officials, and the people; the latter, black and
white, wuz all serfs, and all attached to the soil. Biznis wuz all done
by foreigners, the policy uv the government bein to make the native born
people purely agricultural peasantry. The nobility, desirin to make it
easy for em, giv em one sixth uv the produx uv the soil, reservin the
balance for their own uses.

My dreem didn't continyoo long enuff for me to ascertain whether I wuz a
nobleman or not, but I am uv the opinion that I wuz, for a servant,
handin me a pin to stick into Gen. Butler to make him roar for the
amoozement of the company, addressed me ez "Yoor Grace," from wich I
inferred that I wuz one uv of the Lords spiritooal. Unfortunitly at this
pint I awoke, and a sad awakenin it wuz. The gorjus halls hed vanished,
the chandeleers hed vanished, the robes uv stait and jewels and sich wuz
gone, and I wuz in my offis, not "Yoor Grace," but merely a Postmaster
in a Kentucky village! Well, that is suthin. Wat better is a nobleman?
He don't work, neither do I. He drinks wine, it is troo; but I hev wat
soots me better--whiskey fresh from the still. Yet my dreem may be
realized, and ef it is, I will endevoor to fill the position with
credit. Who knows?

                             PETROLEUM V. NASBY, P.M.
                                                (wich is Postmaster).




XXXIX.

A Cabinet Meeting.--Letters from Rev. Henry Ward Beecher, General Custar,
Henry J. Raymond, and Hon. John Morrissey, each anxious to Preserve his
Reputation.--A Sad Time at the White House.


                                                  CONFEDRIT × ROADS
                                  (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky),
                                                   November 7, 1866.

I wuz called to Washington by our patron Saint, the President, to
comfort his wounded sperit. There ain't no disguisin the fact,--the
sperit of Androo Johnson is wounded. He hez endoored the slings and
arrers uv more outrajus fortune than any other man who hez lived sence
the days uv Hamlick; more, indeed, than Hamlick endoored, twict over.
Hamlick's father wuz pizoned, and his mother married agin afore her
mournin clothes wuz wore out--suthin no savin, prudent woman would do;
but what wuz that to wat A. JOHNSON endoors every day? Nothin.

The cabinet meetin to wich I wuz summoned wuz called for the purpose uv
sheddin a tear or two over the election returns, and to consider a
variety uv letters wich His Eggscellency hed receeved within a few days.
I may remark that the cabinet hed a gloomy and mildewed look.

The fust wuz from Rev. Henry Ward Beecher. Mr. Beecher remarked that he
had the highest possible respeck for the offis wunst held by the good
Washinton, the great Adams, and the sainted Linkin. He omitted remarkin
anythin about Peerce and Bookanan, out uv regard for the feelins uv the
present incumbent, wich, ef he hed read History correct, wuz a ardent
supporter uv the Administrashens uv both of them men, wich he considered
stains upon the pages uv American history wich he cood wish mite be
obliterated. But wat he desired to say wuz, that he hed a higher regard
for the good opinion uv mankind in general than he hed for the good
opinion uv the accidental incumbent uv any offis; and ez he hed, in a
hour uv temporary mental aberrashen, wich hed happily passed, endorsed
the Administrashen, wich insanity hed worked evil unto him, he rekested,
ez a simple act uv justice, that the President shood cause it to be
known that he (Beecher) wuz not considered by the Administrashen ez a
supporter thereof.

"I do this," sed the writer, "becoz the impression that I am in the
confidence uv yoor Eggslency, wich is onfortunately abroad, hez
seriously DAMAGED MY REPUTASHEN.

                                          "Trooly yoors," et settry.

The readin uv this letter wuz follered by a minit uv profound silence,
wich wuz broken by the President.

"Let him pass," sed the great man who hez the despensin uv the post
offisis, "let him pass. But here is another," sed he, bustin into teers;
"read that."

It wuz from Gen. Custar, him uv the yaller hair, wich hed some
reputashen doorin the war ez a cavalry commander. It wuz to the same
effect. He hed, when he spozd that the policy uv the President, wich he
esteemed ez he must any man who held the exalted position wunst okkepied
by the good Washinton, the great Jefferson, and the sainted Linkin--

"The ongrateful dog doesn't respect ME!" sed Androo; "it's the offis I
fill;" and he bust into a fresh flood.

--When he spozed the President's policy wuz sich ez a soljer and patriot
cood endorse, he endorsed it. But he diskivered that it led him, back
foremost, into company wich, doorin the late war, he hed alluz visited
face foremost and on hossback; and therefore, to SAVE HIS REPUTASHUN, he
must beg that the President wood give it out that he (Gen. Custar) wuz
not, nor never hed bin, a supporter uv his policy, and oblige

                                            Yoors trooly, ez before.

I wuz too hart-broken at this to make any reply, and Cowan and Doolittle
wuz in the same fix. The Kernelcy wich wuz given to Custar to keep him
in posishen hed bin promised to a Demokratic captin, who wuz led by a
company in the first Bull Run fight, and who threw up in disgust the
next day, not likin the manner in wich the war wuz bein conducted; but
now the Kernelcy wuz gone, and Custar too; and wat wuz worse, there wuz
no sich thing to be thot uv ez dismissin him. The entire company
yoonited in minglin their teers.

The next letter wuz read by Seward, ez it wuz addressed to him. It wuz
from Raymond. He opened with the remark that for the Presidential office
he hed the highest respeck. Aside from the considerashen that it hed bin
wunst okkepied by the good Washinton, the great Adams, and the sainted
Linkin, the President mite be considered the Father of his country,
hevin so large a number of helpless children to provide for; and
besides, he hed a instinctive respeck for the dispenser of anything. It
wuz difficult for him, bein a open and simple-minded man, not to adhere
to the President; but--

"Good Heavens!" shreeked Johnson, "that little fox ain't a goin to speak
uv HIS reputashen!"

"Dooty requires the reedin uv the entire dockeyment, painful to my
feelins ez it may be," sed Seward. "He concloods thusly:--

"'I am forced to ask yoo, ez one enjoyin confidenshel relations with Him
who occupies the Presidenshel chair, to hev it given out that I stand in
opposition to him. A doo REGARD FOR MY REPUTASHEN impels me to this
course. I remain

                                                     "'Yoors Trooly.'"

There wuz 2 or three more. Gen. Carey uv Ohio, requested the President
to remove him from his Collectorship, ez the holdin uv it wuz INJOORIN
HIS REPUTASHEN. A editor out West, who wuz sedooced into takin a Post
Offis, begged to hev it taken off his hands, that he might save his
circulashen before it wuz everlastinly too late. And finally we come to
wun, the seal uv wich wuz a coat-uv-arms--bull dog rampant, bowie-knife
couchant, supported by trottin horses, on a field uv green cloth. It wuz
from Hon. John Morrisey, who hed jest ben elected to Congress in Noo
York.

Mr. Morrisey remarked that, ez one uv the pillars uv the Democrasy, he
felt he hed a rite to speek. He wished it to be understood that he
washed his hands uv any connection with Johnson or his party. He hed
seed a lite. In States where the Democrasy, uv wich he wuz a piller, hed
tied themselves to Johnson, they hed gone down to a prematoor grave.
Respeck for the high offis restrained him from sayin that the Democrasy
coodent carry sich a cussid load; but he wood say that the result uv the
election in Noo York, where they dependid solely on muscle and nigger,
wich is the reel Democratic capital, and succeeded, while where the
Democrasy wuz loaded down with Johnsonianism, they failed, satisfied him
that the President wuz a inkubus. He sed this with all doo respeck for
the offis. Mr. Morrisey further remarked that he hed also personel
reasons for makin this request. He commenced in a humble position, and
hed filled the public eye long enuff to satisfy his modist ambishen. He
hed walloped Sullivan and Heenan; he hed owned the fastest horses, and
won more money at faro than any man in Amerika. His ambishen wuz
satisfied, so fur ez he wuz concerned; but he hoped to leave behind him,
for his infant son (wich wuz only twelve years uv age, and wich hed a
development uv intelleck and muscle remarkable for one so tender, havin
already walloped every boy in the skool to wich he wuz a goin), he
desired to leave that son a honorable name. It hed bin given out that he
wuz a supporter uv the individooal who okkepied the Presidenshel offis,
and it wuz injoorin him. He wished that stigma removed. A REGARD FOR HIS
REPUTASHEN forced him to insist upon it.

And this epistle wuz dooly signed,

                                                 his
                                             JOHN × MORRISSEY, M.C.
                                                 mark.

There wuz silence in the Cabinet. This last stroke intensified the gloom
wich hed settled onto the Government; and ez I turned my tear-bedewed
eyes, I saw the great drops coursin down the cheeks uv every one
present. Mr. Seward retired without sayin anythin about ninety days, and
one by one they all departed.

It wuz a solemn time. There wuz other letters yet to be read, but no one
hed the heart to open em. I made a move in that direckshun, but Androo
prevented me. "I'm sick," murmured he, in a husky voice, which showed
that his hart wuz peerced. "Help me to bed." I saw the great man bury
his intellectool head beneath the snowy kivrin uv his oneasy couch, all
but the nose, which in him is the thermometer uv the sole, and which
accordinly glowed, not with the yoosooal brilliant hue, but with a dull,
dead, and ghastly bloo. Noticin the convulsive heavins uv the kivers,
which betrayed the agitashen uv the breast beneath, I whispered in his
ear, ez I handed him his nite drink uv rye whisky flavored with bourbon,
that he hed one hold, ez Delaware hed sustained him. A flush uv
satisfaction passed over his nose, but it subsided in an instant.
"Troo," gasped he, "it's ourn now; but before the next election a couple
uv them Massachoosits ablishnists will buy the cussid State, and
re-people it to soot em;" and he gave a convulsive gasp, and sank into a
troubled slumber.

It wuz a tetchin occasion.

                             PETROLEUM V. NASBY, P.M.
                                                (wich is Postmaster).




XL.

A Sermon upon the November Elections, from the Text, "No man putteth New
Wine into Old Settles" with a Digression or Two.


                                                  CONFEDRIT × ROADS
                                  (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky),
                                                  November 16, 1866.

When the news uv the result of the Illinoy election reached the Corners,
there wuz a feelin uv oneasiness wich was trooly affectin; but when the
crushin intelligence arove that Hoffman wuz beeten in Noo York, there
wuz a prostration wich wuz only ekalled when the intelligence of Lee's
surrender reached us. We expected defeat in Illinoy, and some uv the
other States, but we hed hopes that Noo York wood go Dimocratic, that
His Eggslency mite hev some show uv backin by the people, and
consekently some excoose for continyooin to enforce his policy. But that
hope wuz taken from us, and uv the entire populashen, I wuz the only one
who hed suffishent stamina to preserve the semblance uv cheerfulness,
and that wuz only on akkount uv my hevin the Post Offis. Elections can't
take that from me: it is a rock wich the waves uv popler indignashen
can't wash away, thank the Lord! for ef they cood, how many uv us wood
to-day be holdin our places? Still, I felt overwhelmed, and sorrowfully
I entered Bascom's. There, with their heads bowed in sorrer, and tears
flowin from their venrable eyes, sot Deekin Pogram, Elder Slathers, and
a few others uv the Saints, who, ez I entered, mekanikally rose, and
stood afore the bar; mekanikally Bascom, who wuz likewise bowed down
with greef, sot out the invigorator; mekanikally we dosed ourselves, and
still in a daze, mekanikally I moved out without payin, Bascom bein too
full uv sorrer to notis it.

It wuz deemed proper, in view uv the great calamity, that services shood
be held in the church, and at 2 P.M., wich with us mite be sed to mean
post mortem, we slowly and sadly filed in, the only smilin countenance
in site bein that uv a nigger at the door, who wuz to-wunst beltid over
the head for lookin happy.

I gave out the hymn,--

    "Broad is the road wich leeds to death,"--

and it wuz sung with tetchin pathos. After the weepin hed subsided,
and I got my feelings calmed down so ez to permit me to speek, I
commenst explainin to em the causes uv the result. It wuz, I sed, a
chastenin sent onto us for our sins; a stripin becoz we hed exalted our
horn in our pride; that, gloryin in the possession uv the post offices,
the collectorships, the assessorships, and sich, we hed become
vain-glorious and puffed up, and careless in performance uv dooties.
Ther wuz niggers in Kentucky a goin about free, and impiously settin at
naught the decrees uv Providence, wich condemned em to be servants uv
their brethren; and heer I digressed to eloocydate a pint. I hed seen
stricters in a Boston paper onto the common practice uv amalgamashen in
the South, wich paper held up the practis to the condemnashen uv pious
men. "My brethren," sed I, "them Boston Ablishnists hev no cleer
understandin uv the Skripter. When Ham wuz cust by Noar, wat wuz that
cuss? '_He shel be a servant unto his brethren._' Not unto strangers;
not unto the Philistine, or the Girgeshite, or the Millerite, but unto
his brethren! How cood he be servant unto his brethren except thro
amalgamashen? Onless we amalgamated with em, how wood the male niggers
be our brethren? O, my brethren! we wuz obliged to do these things, that
the Skripters mite be fulfilled; and to the credit uv the Southern
people, be it sed, that they never shrunk from the performance uv dooty.
The per cent. uv yeller niggers in this State attests how faithful
Kentucky hez bin."

But to resoom. We hev sinned in permittin skools to come in, and unfit
um for their normal and skriptural condishen; but these is not all. My
brethren, go to Esq. McGavitt's, and get the township Bible, and search
till yoo find this yer tex:--

    "And no man puttith new wine into old bottles, else the new
     wine doth bust the bottles, and the wine is spilled."

My brethren, wich is the bottles? The Dimocrisey, uv course; and the
most uv em may be considered old ones. We hev actid as bottles, carrying
about flooids--not percisely wine, but the modern substitoot
therefor--from our earliest infancy. Wich is new wine? The Ablishnists
wich follered Johnson, uv course. New wine is frothy; so wuz they. New
wine fizzes; so did they. New wine hez strength for a minnit; so hed
they. New wine is unreliable; so wuz they. At Philadelphy the puttin uv
this new wine into old bottles wuz accomplished; at that accursed place
anshent Dimocrisy, wich beleeves in Ham and Hagar, met and fell onto the
nex uv Seward and Doolittle, wich invented Ablishinism, and we mingled
our teers together; the new wine wuz put into the venerable old bottle
uv Dimocrisy, and notwithstandin we hooped it with Federal patronage, it
busted, and great wuz the bust thereof; and the fragments uv the bottles
wuz prone onto the earth, and the new wine is runnin round permiscus. So
wuz the Skripter fulfilled.

And, my brethren, while yoo are at the Squire's huntin up that tex, keep
on till yoo find another, to wit:--

    "No man also seweth a piece uv old cloth onto a new garment,
     else the new piece that filleth it up taketh it away from the
     old, and the rent is made worse."

My hearers, Democrisy went to Philadelphy in a soot uv gray, wich it hed
bin a wearin for five years. It wuz trooly old, and ther wuz greevious
rents in it, made mostly by bayonets, and sich. O, why wuzn't we content
to wear it? Why wuz we not satisfied with it? Agin wuz the Skripters
fulfilled. We patched up the Confedrit gray with Federal blue; we put
onto the back, Seward; onto the knees, Randall; onto the shoulders,
Cowan; and onto the seat, Johnson, and they wuz stitched together with
Post Offisis. But it didn't hold. The Skripters wuz fulfilled; the old
cloth wuz rotten, and one by one patches fell off, somewhat dirtied, and
takin with em a part uv the old, and the rents is bigger than before.
Our coat is busted at the elbows, our pants is frayed round the bottoms,
out at the knees, and from behind the flag uv distress waveth drearily
in the cold wind.

My brethren, we will succeed when we stick to our integrity. Wat wuz the
yoose uv our assoomin what we did not hev? Wat wuz the sence uv our
askin our people to vote for Kernels for Congris wich hed, doorin the
war, drafted their sons? Wat wuz the yoose uv talking Constooshnel
Amendments to men who spozed that Internal Improvements and a Nashnel
Bank wuz still the ishoo? Wat wuz the yoose uv lettin go our holt on
nigger equality, wich is the right bower, left bower, and ace uv the
Democrisy,--its tower uv strength, its anker and cheefest trust, and
wich is easy uv comprehension, and eminently adapted to the Democratic
intelleck,--and takin up questions wich will all be settled ten years
afore they begin to comprehend em? In breef, wat wuz the sense, my
brethren, in puttin new wine into old bottles?--uv patchin old cloth
with new? Let us be warned; and never repeet the fatle error.

The congregashen dispersed somewhat sadly, but ez they gathered at
Bascom's to discuss the sermon, I wuz gratified at observin a visible
improvement in their temper. Bascom hisself bussled around lively;
Deekin Pogram remarked that probably it wuz unskriptooral to put new
wine into old tubs, but ez he didn't hev an ijee; that the prohibishen
extendid to new whisky, he'd resk it, bust or no bust, and he pizened
hisself very much in the old style, and Elder Slather and Kernel
McPelter so far recovered their sperits ez to hang the nigger I menshend
in the beginnin ez lookin pleased at the church. The Corners is rapidly
gettin itself agin.

                             PETROLEUM V. NASBY, P.M.
                                                (wich is Postmaster).




XLI.

A Few Last Words.--The Writer hereof bids his Readers Farewell, and
hurls a Trifle of Exhortation after them.


                                                  CONFEDRIT × ROADS
                                  (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky),
                                                  November 19, 1866.

Poets hev remarked a great many times, too tejus to enoomerate, that
"farewell" is the saddistist word to pronounce wich hez to be pronounst.
It may be so among poets, wich are spozd to be a continyooally carryin
about with em a load uv sadnis, and sensibilities, and sich; but I hev
never found it so. The fact is, it depends very much on how yoo say it,
under wat circumstances, and to whom. Wen, in my infancy, I wuz
inkarseratid in the common jail uv my native village, in Noo Gersey, a
victim to the prejudisis uv twelve men, who believed, on the unsupportid
testimony uv three men, and the mere accident uv the missin property
bein found in my possession (notwithstandin the fact that I solemnly
asshoored em that I didn't know nothin about it, and if I did it, it
must hev bin in a somnamboolic state), that I hed bin guilty uv bustin
open a grosery store, and takin twelve boxes uv cheroot cigars, I
asshoor yoo that, at the end uv the sentence,--hevin bin fed on bread
and water,--the sayin of farewell to the inhuman jailer wuzn't at all
onpleasant. Likewise, when, in the State uv Pennsylvany, in the
eggscitin campane uv 1856, I votid twict or four times for that eminent
and gilelis patriot, Jeems Bookannon, and wuz hauled up therefor, and
sentenced by a Ablishn Judge to a year in the Western Penitentiary,
after an elokent speech, in wich I reviewed the whole question at issue
between the parties, and ashoored him that my triflin irregularity in
the matter uv votin grew out uv an overweenin desire for the salvashen
uv my beloved country,--that, feelin that rooin wuz ahead uv us, onless
that leveler Fremont wuz defeated, I felt that my conshence wood not be
easy onless I did all in my power to ayert the evil,--when I emerged
from them gloomy walls, with one soot uv close, and a tolable knowledge
uv the shoemakin biznis, wuz it a sad thing for me to say "Farewell" to
the grim jailer, whose key turned one way wuz liberty, and tother way
captivity? Nary.

These two instances, I beleeve, is the only ones in wich I hev ever hed
to say farewell. In the course uv my long and checkered career (I do not
here allood to the style uv clothin in the Penitentiary), I am, when I
think uv it, surprised at the comparatively few times wich I ever left a
place at wich I hed bin stayin, in daylite! I ginerally went in the
nite,--

  "Foldin my tent like the Arab,
     And ez silently steelin away,"

hevin too much sensibility to be an onwillin witnis uv the agony uv
landladies, when they diskivered that I cood not pay. Knowin the softnis
uv my heart, I hev alluz hed a great regard for my feelins.

Still, I feel some disinclinashen to commence sayin Farewell at this
time. I wood like to continyoo this work. Methinks I wood like to go on
pilin up pages ontil the Dimocrisy uv the Yoonited States wuz thoroughly
indoctrinatid with _my_ Dimocrisy. But it is impossible.

I bid my readers farewell in a period uv gloom rarely ekalled, and never
surpast, for the Democrisy. Never in my recollekshun wuz the party in
sich a state uv abject cussitood. The Northern States hev slipt from our
grasp one by one, ontil none remains wich we kin fondly call ourn. The
Border States are losin their Dimocrisy, and rallyin under the black
banner uv Ablishinism; and the ten States which we kin control
onfortinitly ain't got no voice in the Guvment. From the mountin tops uv
Maine, and the level pararies uv Illinoy, the remnants uv the Dimocrisy
holler to us uv the South, "Be firm! we'll stand by yoo!" and from the
rich cotton fields uv the South the Dimocrisy holler to them uv the
North, "Keep up yoor sperits! we are troo to yoo!" all uv wich is very
cheerin, when them uv the North is in sich a hopelis minority ez to be
unable to elect a township constable, and them in the South hain't got
no vote at all!

I appeal, however, with the rest uv the leaders, to the Dimocrisy to
remain firm. Suthin will come in time,--what, I can't, with any degree
uv certinty, now state; but suthin will come. The Ablishnists cannot
alluz rool. The cuss uv the old Whig party wuz, that the respective
individooal members thereof cood read and write, and hed a knack uv doin
their own thinkin, and therefore it cood not be brot into that state uv
dissipline so nessary to success ez a party. That same cuss is a hangin
onto the Ablishnists. They hung together from 1856 to 1860 coz there wuz
wat they called a prinsipple at stake; and on that prinsipple they
elected Linkin. They wood hev fallen to peeces then, but our Southern
brethren decided to commence operashens for the new goverment it hed so
long desired; and the overwhelmin pressur uv the war smothered all miner
ishoos and all individooal feelin, and they hung together long enough to
see that throo. Now, still for the principle wich welded em doorin the
war, they are holdin together yit, and probably will ontil they think
this question wich they are disposin of is disposed of. Then they will
split up, and our openin is made. We hev a solid phalanx, wich they
can't win over or detach from us. We hev them old veterans who voted for
Jaxon, and who are still votin for him. We hev them sturdy old yeomanry
who still swear that Bloo Lite Fedralism ought to be put down, and can't
be tolerated in a Republikin Goverment, and who, bless their old souls!
don't know no more what Bloo Lite Fedralism wuz than an unborn baby does
uv Guy Fawkes. We hev that solid army uv voters whose knees yawn
hidjusly, and whose coats is out at elbows, and whose children go
barefoot in winter, while their dads is a drinkin cheap whiskey, and
damin the Goverment for imposin a income tax. We hev the patriotic
citizins whose noses blossom like the lobster, and who live in mortal
fear uv nigger ekality; and we hev John Morrissey's constitooents.

These classes argyment won't move, and reasonin won't faze. They like to
abooze the Goverment for levyin taxes, hopin to deseeve somebody into
the idea that they pay taxes, and that it bears hard onto em; and they
oppose nigger ekality becoz it soothes em, like laudnum, to think that
there is somebody in the country lower down than themselves. The
Dimocrisy alluz hed these, and alluz will.

Ez I remarked, the Ablishnists, when releeved uv the pressure now bearin
onto em, will grow fractious, and split, and these classes will hev no
trouble to git into a majority, and then our time comes.

The discouraged Dimokrat may say that preechers, and noosepapers, and
Sundy skools, and sich, are underminin their party. In time they will,
but not yet. There is still whisky in the land, and the nigger is not
yet extinct. Uv wat danger is preechers to these men, when yoo coodent
git one uv em within gun-shot uv one? and wat harm is noosepapers to em,
when they can't read? Besides, we are not at the end uv our resources
yet. When the wust comes to the wust, there is the nigger left us. When
he is no longer uv use to us ez he is now,--when the prejoodis is so far
removed ez to invest him with the suffrage,--then WE'LL give him the
ballot,--WE'LL lead him up out uv Egypt, and we'll make him vote with
us. The Dimocrisy never yet failed to control all uv the lower orders uv
sosiety. They hev the lowest grade uv the furriners; they hev Delaware
and Maryland; they hev Noo York city and Suthern Illinoy; and ef the
nigger gets the ballot afore he does the spellin-book, he's ourn beyond
peradvencher.

Again: Ef our politikel stumiks isn't yet toned up to swallerin the
nigger, we kin compermise on the Mexican. That country Johnson hez his
eagle eye on now, and ef we demand it, he'll take it. Wat a glorious
prospeck opens to us! Mexico wood cut up into at least twenty States,
wich, added to the ten we hev, wood make a clean majority wich we cood
hold for years. Massachoosets cood do nuthin in Mexico. The Greasers
ain't adapted to Massachoosets. Ef they sent their long-haired teachers
there with their spellin books, they'd end their labors by lettin a
knife into their intestines for the clothes they wore, wich wood put a
check on the mishnary biznis. They are, it is troo, several degrees
lower in the skale uv humanity than the niggers, but then they ain't
niggers, and we cood marry em without feelin that we'd degraded
ourselves. Ther is undoubtedly cusses on em, but the only cuss we hev
Constooshnel objections to is the cuss uv Ham, and that they ain't
labrin under. Mexico affords us room for hope; we never shel run out uv
material for Dimocratic votes until she is convertid, and but few
mishnaries wood hev the nerve to tackle her.

Therfore I say to the Dimocrisy, be uv good cheer! Ther's a brite day a
dawnin. We hev now the Post Offisis, and nothin short uv an impeachment
kin take em from us for two years. We may be beaten in 1868; it may be
that our managin men promised the nominashen to our present Head--A.
JOHNSON; but I hope not. Ef we are laid out agin, we kin console
ourselves with the reflection that we're yoost to it, and we kin go on
hopin for the good time that must come.

Let us hold onto our faith, and continyoo to run, hopin eventooally to
be glorified. Let us remember that all the majorities agin us don't
change the fact that Noah cust Ham, and that Hagar wuz sent back to her
mistress. Let us remember that Paul, or some one uv them possels,
remarked, "Servance, obey yoor masters," and that, under Ablishn rool,
we are exposed to the danger uv marryin niggers. Let us still cherish
the faith that evenchooally, when reason returns, the Amerikin people
will not throw away the boon we offer em uv fillin the cuss uv labor
imposed by the Almity for disobedience in the garden, ez the Dimocrisy
served in the army, by substitoot, and persevere even unto the perfeck
end. When this good time is come, then will the anshent Dimocrisy, uv
wich I hev bin to-wunst a piller and a ornament for thirty years,
triumph, and the position wich I now hold, wich is rather too temporary
to be agreeable, be continyood unto me for keeps, and layin off the
armor uv actooal warfare, I shel rest in that haven uv worn-out
patriots,--a perpetooal Post Offis. May the day be hastened! Farewell!

                             PETROLEUM V. NASBY, P.M.
                                                (wich is Postmaster).


THE END.


[Transcriber's note. The following changes have been made to the text:
  Removed repeated I: I hev alluz bin a Dimecrat
  Replaced with Andro with Androo: We are willin to endorse Androo
      Johnson
  Added Missing quote: arm-in-arm with a nigger, and,--"
  Added Missing quote: They go down--never up."
  Added Missing quote: "_Resolved_, That in retainin'
  Added Missing quote: we kin alluz hev a party."]





End of Project Gutenberg's Swingin Round the Cirkle., by Petroleum V. Nasby