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A
MINNIATURE
OV
_INGLISH ORTHOGGRAPHY_.

       *       *       *       *       *


TO'
DHEIR ROYAL HIGHNESSES,
DHE PRINCE AND PRINCES
_OV WALES_;
DHE DUKE AND DUTCHES
_OV YORK_:
ONNORED AZ UNDOUTED
PATRONS AND PATTERNS
OV EVVERY PROPRIETY:
DHIS MINNIATURE

Ov Inglish Orthoggraphy,

_UMBLY HOPES UNIVERSAL ACCEPTANCE;_
FROM DHE BENIGN PERMISSION
OV BEING SO INSCRIBED,
BY DHEIR ROYAL HIGHNESSES
DEVOTED SERVANT,
_James Elphinston_.

       *       *       *       *       *

A
MINNIATURE
OV

Inglish Orthoggraphy:

DEDDICATED TO'
_DHE PRINCE AND PRINCES OF WALES_,
DHE DUKE AND DUTCHES OV YORK:

       *       *       *       *       *

BY JAMES ELPHINSTON.

       *       *       *       *       *

_LONDON_:

SOLD (Price 1 Shilling and 6 Pence) BY
W. RITCHARDSON, ROYAL EXCHAINGE; T. BOOSEY, N. 4,
BRAUD-STREET, DHARE; F. AND C. RIVVINGTON,
N. 62; ST. PAULS CHURCHYARD; J. DEIGHTON,
N. 325, HOLBORN; W. CLARK,
N. 38, BOND-STREET.

       *       *       *       *       *

1795.

       *       *       *       *       *

CONTENTS.

  1. _Introduccion_
  2. _Orthoggraphy ascertained in dhe vowels, and dheir serviles_
  3. _Vocal substitucion, licenced and licencious_
  4. _Ov open and shut vowels_
  5. _Ov dhe aspirates and dheir insertives_
  6. _Ov redundant serviles_
  7. _Ov impracticabel articulacion_
  8. _Ov false aspiracion_
  9. _Dhe guttural aspirate lost, or transmuted by moddern organs_
  10. _Old _R_ aspirate_
  11. _Oddher antiquated idellers_
  12. _Final fantoms, or dubblers ov final forms_
  13. _Oddher falsifiers, medial or final; licquids or sibbilants;
      particcularly _TI_ for a sibbilacion_
  14. _Dhe orthoggraphy ov propper names_
  15. _Dhe fundamental principel ov orthoggraphy_
  16. _The orthographic riddle_

       *       *       *       *       *

A
MINNIATURE
OV
_INGLISH ORTHOGGRAPHY._

1. INTRODUCTION.

Hwen evvery oddher language, and at last our own, haz been reduced to'
science; rendered accountabel to' natives, and accessibel to' straingers;
hwence iz it, dhat our practice, growing daily more a contrast dhan an
exemplificacion ov our theory, tempts ignorance to' speak, az blind habbit
spels; raddher dhan to' dream ov spelling, az propriety exhibbits her
unremitted harmony, hweddher in word or writing? For propriety, hwarevver
herd, can be seen onely in her picture: nor can dhis be duly drawn, but
from dhe oridginal; or dhe likenes long prezerved, in dhe coppies ov
vulgarrity.

Scarce creddibel doz it seem, to' dhe anallogists ov oddher diccions, dhat
hiddherto', in Inglish exhibiscion, evvery vowel and evvery consonant ar
almoast az often falsifiers az immages ov dhe truith. Hetteroggraphy
indeed, or false litterary picture, can arize onely from won, or a
combinacion, ov foar cauzes: redundance, defiscience; mischoice, or
misarraingement.

       *       *       *       *       *

2. ORTHOGGRAPHY ASCERTAINED IN DHE VOWELS, AND DHEIR SERVILES.

It iz not now new, dhat evvery Inglish vowel haz, not onely a longuer and
shorter, but even a different sound, az open or shut by a consonant; dho _A
braud_, open and shut, differ but in quantity. Nor iz it yet a secret, dhat
certain mutes, or silent letters, (espescially vocal quiescents,) ar named
_serviles_; rendering essencial az vizzibel service, boath to' vowels and
consonants. Hware such gards ar wanted, dhey doutles wil attend; and, hwen
dhey proov superfluous, az reddily widhdraw. Dhus dhe open vowel ov dhe
simpel shuts, and dhe serviles vannish, in dhe penultimate ov dhe compound:
_shake_, _Shakspear_; _chear_, _cherfool_; _vine_, _vinyard_, and dhe like.
So formatives: _stare_ and _stair_, _starling_; _steer_, _sterling_;
_shere_, _sherrif_; _child_, _children_; _kind_, _kindred_; _know_,
_knollege_; and dhe rest.

Evvery open ear must allow dhe aspiracion (_h_) to' articculate iniscially
dhe braud vocal licquid (_w_); nor longuer imadgine dhat _wh_, apparent,
can becom _hw_ real; or dhat _what_, _whale_, _wheels_, can rascionally
paint dhe power ov _hwat_, _hwale_, _hweels_. Dhe braud licquid (_w_) haz
no place in _hoal_, total; or in _hore_, prostitute; distinct alike, to'
dhe eye, from _hole_ and _hoar_. But _wh_, iniscial, may wel prommise _hw_;
if _le_ and _re_, boath final, may picture _el_ and _er_: az we admire, not
onely on dhe _little theatre_, but in dhe _centre_ ov dhe _battle_! Dho a
tutch ov Rezons wand wil restore dhe buty ov truith; at wonce to' dhe
_littel theater_, and to' dhe _center_ ov dhe _battel_; az such buty beamed
in dhe former century.

Dhe French _table_, _chambre_, _ancien_, _danger_, ar dhe unexcepcionabel
parents ov dhe Inglilh _tabel_, _chaimber_, _aincient_, _dainger_; hoo ar
too apt scollars, not to' lern from parental exampel, to' show dhemselvs
hwat dhey ar; widhout wondering, dhat won tung iz not anoddher, or dhat
each must hav her own essence and semblance; and dhat in ours, az in oddher
picturage, _an open vowel must not appear a shut won_. Indispensabel dhen
az dhe servile (_i_) in dhe three last exampels, iz it in _aingel_, dho
inadmissibel in _angellic_; in evvery _ainge_ and _ainger_, like _rainge_
and _rainger_; az wel az in _caimbric_ and _Caimbridge_; dho nedher in
_Cam_ nor _Cambray_.

If _a_ slender, open, must hav in such case its gardian; _a_ slender, even
shut, hwen protracted, requires its protracting aspiracion (_h_): az in
_ah! Mahlah_; so in _Pahtric_, _fahdher_, _pappah_, _mammah_, and _ahnt_;
so distinct (dho safe enuf ungarded) from _ant_ dhe emmet. But _gahp_,
herd, iz dhus no longuer seen _gape_. _Hant_, _hanch_, and dheir fellows,
admit not dhe braudener; hwich iz indispensabel to' _wrauth, wauter_, and
_vauz_; nor need dhe protracting aspirer, more dhan doo _chant_ and
_branch_.

_O_ must hav its own medial servant, to' ascertain its opennes; in _poark_,
_poart_, _spoart_, _foart_, _foard_, _goard_, _soard_, (wonce _sword_),
_foarth_, _foarce_, _foarge_; _boast_, _coast_, _goast_, _moast_, _poast_,
and _boath_; justly az in dhe annimal _boar_, in _board_, _boast_, and
dheir fellows; dho _slow_ gender _slowth_, reggularly, az _grow, growth_.
Widh _poart_ and _poast_, _poartal_, _poarter_; _poastage_, and dhe like.

Better no attendant, dhan a false won. _O_ direct (dhe common _o_) can
nedher assume _o_, dhe servile ov _o_ depressive (_oo_); nor _u_, hwich
wood seem its partner in a dipthong. _Doar_, _floar_, and _moar_, ar dhus
reggular and safe; _dore_, _flore_, and _more_, widh equivvalent servile,
leve _more_ coincident; yet compounds prefer dhe final servile: az
_batteldore_,[1] _Blacmore_, _Hwitmore_; and _Strathmore_, scottishly
strong on dhe latter syllabel.

_Soll_, spirrit, avoids occular union widh _sole_, alike, and _soal_: by
adopting dhe servile ov _poll_, _boll_, _toll_, _roll_ (widh _controll_,)
_scroll_, and _droll_. Like dipthongal dainger precludes _u_ from dhe
servile funccion, duly undertaken by _a_ in _soar_, _moarn_, _boarn_,
distinct from _boren_ or _bor'n_, dhe compannion ov _woren_ or _wor'n_,
_sworen_ or _swor'n_, _toren_ or _tor'n_, _shoren_ or _shor'n_, and clear,
az open and shut, ov _born_; in _coart_, _goard_, _coarse_, and _soarce_.
_Coarce_, dhe ded _boddy_, dies no more in _corpse_; hwen dhus _boren_
decently to' interment. Dhis precaution suffers _o_ open, to' understand or
omit, dhe servile before _l_ and anny oddher consonant: az in _old colt_,
wonce seen and herd _ould coult_. If _old colt_ now suffice, _oald coalt_
iz understood. For dhis rezon, _goald_ must no longuer be robbed ov its
depressive servile, wonce legally seen in _gould_. _Au_, widh les plea,
suppresses its servile in like sittuacion; az _salt_ and _alder_; except in
dhe singuel _assault_! _saut_ and _vaut_ being, now, duly out ov dhe
question.

If _ou_ cannot now paint _o_ direct, much les can it picture _o_ depressive
(_oo_); in _you_, _youth_, _uncouth_; _should_, _would_, or _could_: for
_yoo_, _yooth_, _uncooth_; _shood_, _wood_, or _cood_. Hwen _ou_ Inglish
transferred its equivvalence from dhe French _ou_ to' dhe German _au_,
hwich compounds _a_ braud, widh _o_ depressive (_au_ widh _oo_); az itself
cood no more be frenchly interchaingeabel widh _oo_; nedher ov its parts
waz more likely to' becom so. _Do_ or _who_ can no more dhan _doe_ or
_hoe_, (boath better employed!) or dhan _shoe_, _canoe_, _lose_, _move_,
_prove_, _behove_; _Rome_, _Coke_, _Pole_, or simmilar; prezent dhe
prezzent _doo_, _hoo_, _shoo_, _canoo_, _looz_, _moov_, _proov_, _behoov_,
_Room_, _Cook_, _Pool_, or dhe like: for truith fears notthing from
coincidence ov sound, and falsehood always leads astray. _B_ may
distinctively open dhe vowel, in _climb_ and _comb_; but cannot render it
also depressive in _comb_, _tomb_, _bomb_, and _womb_; for _coomb_,
_toomb_, _boomb_, and _woomb_. Hwatevver _u_ may hav been in Lattin
vocallity, dhat figgure cannot guiv _oo_, even open, in Inglish; far les
_oo_ shut, in _pull_, _bull_, _full_; _butcher_, _put_, _pudding_, _puss_,
_push_, _bush_; _bushel_, _cushion_; for _pool_, _bool_, _fool_,
_bootcher_, _poot_, _poodding_, _poose_, _poosh_, _boosh_, _booshel_, and
_coossion_: in all ov hwich, dhe _oo_ iz doutles short az shut; and
distinct az _foolling_ and _fooling_. If _u_ cannot prommise _oo_ shut, no
more can _oo_ proxy _u_ shut, in dhe singuel _foot_ for _fut_. No servile
can attend a shut vowel; and _truith_ must hav her own, like _suit_ and
_fruit_: in dhe French _bruit_ it iz also distinctive. Alreddy hav we seen
_o_ direct disguized, no les dhan _o_ depressive; and can we longuer bair
dhe Gallic _beau_, for dhe Brittish _boe_; more dhan dhe dubble falsifier
_beauty_, for dhe Inglish _buty_, dhe sweet compannion ov _duty_?

_Sew_, _shew_, and _strew_, wer dhe preddecessors, so cannot be dhe
identities, ov _soe_, _show_, and _strow_: dhe first dhus occularly clear
ov _sow_, so different verb and noun! dhe latter, distinct to' dhe ear by
dhe dipthong, hwich also distinguishes _slough_, no more swallowing _sluf_:
_toe_ and _tow_ (no more jostling widh _tough_, now _tuf_), _doe_ and
_dough_, _floe_ and _flow_, being respective coincidents; clear indeed to'
dhe eye, boath ov boddy and mind. _Ow_ final iz dipthongal in _how_, _now_!
_bow_ bend; _cow_, noun or verb; _sow_, the noun; in _vow_, verb or noun;
and in _allow_, _endow_. Dhe dipthong distinguishes also _slough_,
_plough_, and _bough_ branch. _O_ remains merely simpel in _dough_, az if
_dow_. _Bo!_ or _boh!_ interjeccion, coincides widh _boe_ and _bow_, boath
nouns: dhe latter leving dhe dipthong to' dhe verb, or its accion, hwence
dhe ball derives it in _bowl_; dhe open vowel distinguishing dhe _bowl_ or
bason, coincident widh _boll_ and _bole_.

       *       *       *       *       *

3. VOCAL SUBSTITUCION.

Dho won semblance may exhibbit, not onely two' senses, but two' sounds; won
symbol must not pretend to' paint anoddher, unles by distinctive
substitution. _E_ proovs dhus dhe lawfool substitute ov _a_, in _heigh-ho!_
moddernized _hey-ho!_ in _heighday_, now _hey-day!_ _weigh_, _wey_, _hwey_,
_prey_, _bey_, _dey_; _dhey_, _dheir_, _eir_, _eight_, and _freight_; widh
_obey_, _inveigh_, _convey_, _survey_, and _purvey_; az wel az hwen febel,
in _parley_, _barley_, _Harley_, _Chudleigh_, and dheir fellows.

But _e_ cannot be _a_, widh dhe servile dhat distinguishes _e_: _tear_
cannot be clas-mate, at wonce to' _fear_ and _fair_. If dherfor _e_ cannot
be _a_, widh _a_ servile; and _a_ need no substitute in dhe verbs _tair_,
_wair_, _swair_, and _bair_; _peir_, dhe fruit, and _beir_, dhe beast,
claim dhe substitute vowel, widh due servile; _pair_, _pare_, _bair_ and
_bare_, being engaged. For like rezon, _braik_ and _grait_ admit no vocal
substitute. _Where_ and _there_ no more puzzel dhan bely, in dheir own
shape, ov _hware_ and _dhare_.

_E_ fairly substituting dhe forrain _i_, in _pier_, _bier_, _mien_, _lief_,
widh _belief_, _believ_; _relief_, _reliev_; and dhe rest; so distinct from
_peer_, _beer_; _mean_, _leaf_; or so connected by alliance, forrain or
domestic; dhe substitucion simmilarly prevails in _shriek_, _fiend_,
_fief_, _brief_, _chief_, _atchiev_; _thief_, _thiev_; _repriev_,
_retriev_; _pierce_, _fierce_, and _tierce_: ettymollogy howevver, scorning
alike substitucion and superfluity, in _receiv_, _receit_, and dheir
collaterals.

Forrain semblance belied dhe adoptives, _oblige_, _marine_, _machine_,
_magazine_, _fatigue_, _intrigue_, _antique_, and _shire_; til Londoners
began to' treat dhem az natives ov Ingland; not dreaming dhat dheir essence
cood not here be prezerved, but in dhe guize ov _oblege_, _marene_,
_mashene_, _maggazene_, _fategue_, _intregue_, _anteke_ (or _anteek_,
_mareen_, and dhe rest,) joined by _legue_, _twegue_, and _shere_: hwich
last, dho dhus sevvered from _sheer_ and _shear_, boath coincident in
sound, waz beguinning, in dhe false shape ov _shire_, (like _oblege_, in
dhat ov _oblige_,) to' violate Inglish harmony in evvery British nacion.
Dhe same propriety, dhat dhus gards dhe Inglish vowel (_e_), prezervs, no
les _piously_, dhe parental equivvalent (_i_), in _obligacion_, _marriner_,
_mackinate_, _mackinacion_, _indefattigabel_, _anticquity_, az wel az
_antiquary_; and evvery forrain buty, consistent widh domestic truith.

If dhe prezzent century hav made manny improovments, in orthoggraphy and
elsehware; it haz certainly made manny alteracions, dhat wer dhe verry
reverse ov improovment. Som eying truith, onely in her parents, wood
_allege_ dhat _virtue_ alone cood _persuade_; havving lernedly perfwaded
dhemselvs, dhat _vertue_ might hav _sweetnes_, widhout partaking _suavity_,
by hwich dhey pictured _swavvity_. It seems howevver high time dhat a
certain kingdom, at length panting after evvery propriety, shood know and
confes, dhat her name iz no more _England_, dhan _Engelonde_ or _Angland_;
or dhan her sovverain iz _king ov France_!

Since won symbol must no more usurp dhe office ov anoddher, _o_ wil no
longuer pretend to' paint _A braud_ open (_au_); in _ought_, _nought_,
_brought_, _thought_, _sought_, _fought_, _bought_; for _aught_ (now indeed
_aut_), and dhe rest: nor wil _groat_ and _broad_ expect anny more, to' be
acknolleged _graut_ and _braud_.

Nedher _tongue_ nor _tong_ (alreddy won ov a pair) can picture _tung_; dho
_u_ stil employ dhe distinctive substitucion ov _o_ in _son_, male issue;
nor les propperly dhe ettymolodgic in _yong_, _mong_, _mongrel_, _monk_,
(widh _monkey_,) and _Monday_; in _monney_, _bonney_, _conney_, _condit_,
_constabel_; az in _yolk_, so in _covver_, _hovver_, _plovver_; in _lovver_
and _glovver_, from _lov_ and _glov_. _Cullor_ (nevver _colour_) avoids
coincidence equally widh _collar_ and _coller_; dhe latter greekly, not
frenchly, affected _choler_.

But surely a vocal groop cannot shrink into' an Inglish shut vowel: nor
cood dhe following French, or almoast French, be suppozed Inglish words:
_souple_, _couple_; _double_, _trouble_; _nourish_, _flourish_; _courage_,
_courteous_, _country_, _cousin_; _journey_, _journal_; _sojourn_,
_adjourn_, and _touch_; more dhan such oddities claim continnuance, az
_young_, _rough_, or _tough_: for _suppel_ (alreddy almoast Inglish in
_supple_,) _cuppel_; _dubbel_, _trubbel_; _nurrish_, _flurrish_; _currage_,
_curteous_; _contry_ (ettymolodgical substitute ov _cuntry_; like _yong_,
ov _yung_;) _cozzen_ az _dozzen_, no more _dozen_! _jurney_, _jurnal_;
_sodjurn_, _adjurn_, widh _tutch_; _tuf_ and _ruf_: not to' reprezent dhe
so duly exploded, az _authour_, _succour_, _superiour_ for _author_,
_succor_, _superior_; hweddher agent, accion, or adjective.

       *       *       *       *       *

4. OV OPEN AND SHUT VOWELS.

Az vocallity must often depend on articulacion; consonants, like vowels,
must nedher be too manny, too few, nor oddher dhan dhemselvs. If sounds
open must not seem shut, sounds shut must not appear open. No servile can
attend a shut vowel; hwich, on dhe contrary, must show dhe consonant dhat
shuts it. Hwen a consonant concludes dhe syllabel, after an open vowel; a
servile must gard dhe vowel from dhe consonant, hwich else wood shut it. A
shut vowel dhen must show dhe shutter, or be left apparently open.

Dhe first vowel (_a_), slender or braud, may doutles be more or les so, by
dhe prezzence or absence ov dhe _stres_, or vocal exercion. _A_ slender,
self or substitute, iz open az garded, in _fain_, _fein_, and _fane_;
_wail_, and _wale_; open az unshut, in _paper_, _favor_, _braver_,
_bravest_, _braving_, _braved_: so in _fainer_, _feiner_; az wel az
_faining_, _feined_; _wailing_, _wailed_; _waling_, _waled_; articculated
_pa-per_, _fa-vor_, _bra-ver_, _bra-vest_; _fai-ner_, _fei-ner_, and so on:
for _a singuel consonant_, natturally (dhence nescessarily) _articculates
dhe following, _not dhe preceding_ vowel_. _A_, slender, iz shut in _fan_,
_fanning_; and the like. _A braud (au)_ haz its own distinctive servile in
_faun_ and _fawn_, in _all_ and _awl_, _ball_ and _bawl_. Dho _l_ remain
dhe servile in _balling_, az wel az dhe _w_ in _bawling_; it iz no servile,
but dhe effective shutter, in _ballot_, _bal-lot_, or dhe like.

_A braud_, shut, plays its own part, hwen articculated by _w_ or _qu_
(vertually _cw_,) in dhe propper _Waller_, az in _wallet_ or _quallity_; in
_war_, _quarrel_; _wart_, _quart_; _wan_, _want_, _quantity_, and such. _A
braud_, shut, not so articculated, substitutes _o_ shut: dhus dhe _o_ ov
_cord_ iz perfetly coincident, or unison, widh dhe _a_ in _ward_. Hware _a_
performs its own braud-shut part, _o_ becoms dhe substitute ov _u_ shut, az
in _won word_; _quoth_ and _quod_.

_E_ iz dhus open in _mean_ and _mien_, _tiend_ and _fiend_, _siev_ and
_seiz_; widh _grief_, _griev_; _relief_, _reliev_; _receiv_, _receit_, and
dheir fellows. Open iz _e_ likewize in _meat_, _meet_, and _mete_; (three
coincident!) _meeting_, _meting_, and _meter_; shut in _men_, _pen_, _fen_;
_met_, _set_; _penny_, _fennel_; _penning_, _setting_: and so foarth.

_I_ iz open in _fine_, _finer_, _finish_; _dine_, _dining_, and _diner_;
_rime_, _riming_, and _rimer_; _fi-ner_, _fi-nish_, and so on: shut in
_fin_, _finnish_; _din_, _dinner_; _brim_, _brimmer_; _fin-nish,_ and
simmilar.

_O_ iz open in _Po_, _pole_, _polar_, and _polish_; _mode_, _modish_;
_soal_, _sole_, and _soll_; shut in _sollace_, _pollish_, and _moddest_;
_po-lish_, _pol-lish_, and dhe like.

_U_ iz open in _unit_, _unite_; _tune_, _tunic_, _punic_, _studious_; shut
in _studdy_, _unabated_: _u-nit_, _stu-dent_, _stud-dy_, _un-a-ba-ted_;
such compounds being licenced to' take in dhe singuel consonant ov dhe
prepoziscion.

So hear we, and so see we,

_a_, _e_, _i_, _o_, _u_, open; _ar_, _er_, _il_, _on_, _us_, shut; _may_,
_me_, _my_, _mow_[2], _mew_; _mas_, _mes_, _mis_, _mos_, _must_. So _Mary_,
_marry_; _even_, _sevven_; _ivy_, _Livvy_; _odor_, _odder_; _student_,
_studdy._

If dhen open vowels must appear open, shut vowels must appear shut.
Forrain, even parental, diccions cannot rule dhe picture ov dhe native: for
picture can hav but won oridginal. Widh parrity ov rezon may (and must
often) dhe parental vowel be open, and dhe descendant shut. To' edher iz
_Popes_ laconnic line applicabel:

  _Dhis dhey, dhat know me, know; dhat lov me, tel._

To' keep Inglish, dhus like French and Lattin, or spelling dhe contrast ov
speech; our litterature haz hiddherto' no likenes ov our language; and haz
continnued inaccessibel to' evvery native, az much az to' evvery strainger.
For, hwile we lernedly lov to' see

        Aloe, melon, lily, solemn,
   carol, very, spirit, coral, borough,
   manor, tenant, minute, honor, punish,
  clamor, blemish, limit, comet, pumice,
       chapel, leper, triple, copy,
      habit, rebel, tribute, probate,
             heifer, profit,
    cavil, revel, drivel, novel, hovel,
       city, pity, british, critic,
     madam, credit, idiom, body, study,
               tacit, licit,
    hazard, ezad, lizard, closet, bosom,
                   vicar,
                  liquor,
                  liquid,
                   rigor,
                   rigid:

We shrewdly hope to' hear,

        Alloe, mellon, lilly, sollemn,
    carrol, verry, spirrit, corral, burrow,
   mannor, tennant, minnute, onnor, punnish,
  clammor, blemmish, limmit, commet, pummice,
      chappel, lepper, trippel, coppy,
     habbit, rebbel, tribbute, probbate,
              heffer, proffit,
   cavvil, revvel, drivvel, novvel, hovvel,
       citty, pitty, brittish, crittic,
   maddam, creddit, iddiom, boddy, studdy,
               tascit, liscit,
  hazzard, ezzad, lizzard, clozzet, buzzom,
                   viccar,
                   liccor,
                  licquid,
                   riggor,
                   ridgid.

Hwile dhus notthing but _s_ can dubbel soft _c_, or sibbilantly shut dhe
preceding vowel; and render _precious_, or _vicious_, hwat dhey ar; but
_prescious_, or _viscious_; dhe sibbilants direct simpel figgure may not
onely becom, in dhe ostensibel _physic_, _visit_, and _vision_, a dubbel
depressive; in dhe real _phyzzic_, _vizzit_, and _vizzion_; but work equal
wonders, in _polysyllables_ ov anny extension; pretending, in dhe verry
name, to' paint _pollysyllabels_. And dhus dhe trokees grow innumerabel,
dhat shut and sharpen, shortening dhe former vowel; hwich dhey hav
hiddherto' pretended to' exhibbit slowly and smoodhly open: so leving
singuel dhe intermediate articulacion, hwich must be audibly dubbel, (must
shut az wel az articculate,) and continnue dhe equal impossibillity, ov
reading and writing our language.

For, _hwen_ our _diccion_ attains, like _oddhers_, _dhe_ happy _habbit_
_ov_ appearing hwat it iz; alternate strength and febelnes must prezent
_mallice_ and _maliscious_, _sollemn_ and _solemnity_, _morral_ and
_morallity_, _mannor_ and _manorial_, _limmit_ and _limmitacion_, _habbit_
and _habittual_, _spirrit_, _spirritual_, and _spirrituallity_. So evvery
consequencial, hweddher ov trocaic or dactyllian stres: _orrigin_,
_oridginal_, _oridginality_, or _originallity_, _reallity_, _quallity_,
_equallity_, _verrity_, _verrily_, _ennemy_, _ammity_, _appathy_,
_probbity_; so, widh _propphet_, _propphesy_, and _propphecy_; but, by
penultimate or antepenultimate ennergy, (dhe stres on last but won, or last
but two',) _prophettic_, or _prophettical_: widh _philossophy_,
_philossopher_, and _philosopphic_; widh _avvarice_, _avvariscious_;
_lodgic_, _logiscian_; _phyzzic_, _phyziscian_; _immage_, _imadgine_;
_madjesty_, _majestic_. Az _alliment_, _saccrament_; az _orrifice_,
_saccrifice_, and _orrator_, widhout violacion ov aught _sacred_, or
chainge ov _oracion_.

       *       *       *       *       *

5. OV DHE ASPIRATES, AND DHEIR INSERTIVES.

_Oracion_ indeed iz dhus kept _sacred_ az _orrator_: for _t_ cood nevver
sibbilate (or play _s_) in _orthoggraphy_, aincient or moddern; nor a
dubbel articulacion pretend to' look singuel, more dhan a singuel a dubbel
won. Dhe dactyl _orthodox_ admits littel chainge in dhe dubbel trokee
_orthodoxy_; like _mellancolly_, vulgarly _melancholy_: but _orthoggraphy_
and _orthograpphical_ ar, widh equal harmony, subject to' antepenultimate
power. Like Propriety dherfor inserts dhe shutter we hear, in dhe
duplication, az ov evvery simpel, so ov evvery aspirate, duly dubbled by
dhe simpel insertive. Dhus _p_ dubbels _ph_, and even _f_, _f_; in
_propphet_, and _proffit_. But, az _ph_ became _f_; so _bh_, universally
_v_, nescessarily dubbelled in _provverb_. Az _s_ or _z_ dubbels dhe soft
sibbilant aspirate, (_sh_ or _zh_) in _prescious_, _decizzion_, _t_ or _d_,
respectively, dubbled dhat dhey rendered equal to' _tsh_ or _dzh_: az
_tutching_ dhe _madjesty_ ov _relidgion_.

But dhe Inglish tung, (raddher teeth,) enjoying dhe _dental aspirate_,
direct and depressive (_th_ and _dh_), beyond perhaps anny oddher language,
aincient or moddern; can no longuer be denied dhe appearance, hware it so
peculiarly pozesses dhe reallity, ov dubbling az wel az depressing its
power. No more dhen can be confounded dhe aspirates ov _oath_, _oadhs_; ov
_bath_, _badhs_, and _badhe_; ov _Otho_ and _oddher_, _Clotho_ and
_clodhier_, _dhis thing_ and _dhat thing_; _dheze things_ and _dhoze
things_: misaspiracion wil no more embarras, dhan misarraingement, _Dhe
Theater_.

       *       *       *       *       *

6. OV REDUNDANT SERVILES.

If _defiscience_ ov symbols hav been so ezily and so amply exampelled; a
ballance may be proffered in _redundance_; ov consonants, no les dhan ov
serviles. Hwen evvery mute minnister waz supplied to' vocallity; dhe
hardening gard ov _g_, at least, shood not hav been forgotten. If _i_ waz
indispensabel in _aingel_ and _dainger, u_ iz az recquizite in _anguel_ and
_anguer_, az in _guerdon_. _Guet_ and _guiv_ demand dhe (_u_) hardener, az
boldly az _gues_ and _guilt_. So redundance alreddy recalls, in order to'
explode, _guess_ and _give!_ Widh dhis not onely _seeing_ (for _seing_) and
dhe like; but dhe falsifying final ov _are_, _were_; _awe_, _owe_; _some_,
_come_; _above_, _dove_, _love_, _glove_; _throve_, _drove_, _shrove_,
_shove_, _hove_; for _ar_, _wer_; _aw_, _ow_; _som_, _com_; _abov_, _dov_,
_lov_, _glov_; _throv_, _drov_, _shrov_, _shov_, _hov_: hwere _o_ for _u_
guivs to' the ear, _sum_ distinctive, widh _cum_, _abuv_, and dhe rest.

Superfluous, dhence obstructive, (distractive indeed!) dhe _i_ ov _either_,
_neither_; _heifer_ and _friend_; dhe _o_ ov _people_ and _yeoman_;
_leopard_ and _jeopard_; dhe _u_ ov _eulogy_, az ov _eulogium_; ov
_conduit_, vertually _cundit_: _a_, obviously useles, after an oddherwize
open vowel, in _season_, _reason_, _treason_, _treacle_, _creature_; in
_eave_, _heave_, _weave_, _leave_, _cleave_, _reave_, _greave_; _cease_,
_lease_, _crease_, _grease_; _teaze_, _ease_, _please_; like dhe _e_ final
to' _sieve_, _grieve_, _relieve_, _receive;_ dhe second _e_ in _sleeve_,
_geese_, _fleece_, _freeze_, _breeze_, _squeeze_, _cheese_: for _edher_,
_nedher_; _heffer_, _frend_; _pepel_ and _yeman_, _leppard_, and _jeppard_;
_ellogy_, az _elogium_; widh _condit_: so _sezon_, _rezon_, _trezon_,
_trekel_, _creture_; _eve_, _heve_, _weve_, _leve_, _cleve_, _reve_,
_greve_; _cese_, _lese_, _crese_, _grese_; _teze_, _eze_, _pleze_: _siev_,
_griev_, _reliev_, _receiv_; _sleve_, _guese_, _flece_, _freze_, _breze_,
_squeze_, _cheze_. But, like dhe _i_ ov _heifer_ and _friend_, dhe _o_ ov
_leopard_ and _jeopard_; dhe _u_ ov _eulogy_; iz dhe _a_ ov _leap_-year and
ov _neap_-tide; for _lep_-year and _nep_-tide; nay, shamefoolly, like dhe
superfluity in all dheze, haz dhe _a_ hiddherto' remained in _health_,
_wealth_, and _stealth_; becauz it stil iz nescessary in _heal_, _weal_,
and _steal_! and doutles, for som simmilarly cogent rezon, doz kind _a_
continnue to' gard dhe same _shut vowel_! in _realm_, _earl_, _pearl_;
_earn_, _learn_; _early_, _earnest_; _earth_, _dearth_, _hearth_, _heard_,
_hearse_, _rehearse_, _searce_, _search_, _threat_, _deaf_, _dead_, _head_,
_bread_, _tread_, _dread_, _thread_, _stead_, _lead_, _read_; _ready_,
_steady_, _heady_, _meadow_; _zealous_, _jealous_, _weapon_, _leaven_,
_heaven_, _endeavour_; _pleasure_, _measure_, _treasure_, _leasure_ or
_leisure_! for _helth_, _welth_, _stelth_; _relm_, _erl_, _perl_; _ern_,
_lern_; _erly_, _ernest_; _erth_, _derth_, _herth_, _herd_, _herse_,
_reherse_, _serce_, _serch_; _thret_, _def_, _ded_, _hed_, _bred_, _tred_,
_dred_, _thred_, _sted_, _led_, _red_; _reddy_, _steddy_, _heddy_,
_meddow_; _zellous_, _jellous_; _weppon_, _levven_, _hevven_, _endevvor_,
_plezzure_, _mezzure_, _trezzure_, _lezzure_.

How (alas!) wil BRITTISH LIBBERTY moarn her novvel chains, hwen she must
not onely speak az she thinks, but write as she speaks; hwen _rove_, _lov_,
and _moov_, can chime no more togueddher; hwen _lead_ and _led_, _read_ and
_red_, _live_ and _liv_, _tear_ and _tair_, ar found oppozite, az _East_
and _West_; nay, az open and shut vowels!

       *       *       *       *       *

7. OV IMPRACTICABEL ARTICULACION.

No les embarrassing iz dhe redundance ov impracticabel articulacion,
iniscial, medial, or final, (in dhe beguinning, middel, or end, ov words:)
dhe first indeed chiefly in forrain names, titels, or terms, hware a
consonant, uncombinabel (mediately or immediately) widh a vowel, remains a
ded rellic: az dhe _c_ ov _czar_ (dho contracted from _Cezar_), dhe _p_ ov
_Ptollemy_ (mere _Tollemy_), or _ptisic_ (for _tizzic_), dhe _b_ ov
_bdellium_, herd onely _dellium_; and even dhe _p_ ov psalm, herd but
_sahm_, dho dhe _l_ be stil audibel in _psalmist_ and _psalmody_, all
effective beside dhe labial (_p_).

       *       *       *       *       *

8. OV FALSE ASPIRACION.

But no exampel can warrant dhe aspiring ideller, dhat pretends to' lead
_heir_, _heritage_, _heritable_, _heritor_; _herb_, _herbage_, _herbalist_;
_honour_, _honorary_, _honourable_; and even dhe _humble humour_ ov dhe
_passing hour_; insted ov _eir_, _erritage_, _erritabel_, _erritor_; _erb_,
_erbage_, _erbalist_; _onnor_, _onnorary_, _onnorabel_; widh dhe _umbel
umor_ ov dhe prezzent _our_; hwich doutles can alone be called _our our_.
Yet aspiracion cannot be denied to' _inherrit_, _inherritance_,
_inherritor_, _heredditary_.

       *       *       *       *       *

9. DHE GUTTURAL ASPIRATE LOST, OR TRANSMUTED BY MODDERN ORGANS.

Dhe consonants dhat subjoin aspiracion (_h_), ar dhe labial, dental,
lingual, and guttural; or dhe articculants from dhe lips, teeth, tung, and
throat: _p_, _t_, _s_, and _k_; by dhe Lattins turned into _c_: az in
_Philadelphus_ and _Philadelphia_, _Thales_ and _Thalia_, _Sharon_ and
_Sheba_, _Charon_ and _Chilo_, hoom dhe Inglish, havving smoodhed away dhe
aspiracion, ar fain to' call _Caron_ and _Kilo_.

Aincient organs, howevver, dubbelled occazionally dhe guttural, az wel az
dhe labial aspirate; dooing equal justice to' _Bacchus_ and to' _Sappho_:
moddern also, (peculiarly the Inglish,) dhe oddher two'; dhe simpel always
sufficing to' dubbel dhe aspirate. New dialects softening, lost dhe
guttural aspirate; til dhe Spannish probbably recovvered it from dhe
Morish. The Itallian and Spannish, and from dhem dhe Inglish, endevvored
to' make up dhe los, by prefixing dhe simpel dental to' dhe lingual or
sibbilant aspirate, hwich dhe Gallic ear preferred widhout dhe dental;
preferring dherfor dhe vertual _sh_ and _zh_ to' _tsh_ and _dzh_. Inglish
organs loozing, like French, dhe guttural aspirate, edher dropt dhe
aspiracion, az in _carracter_ and _kemmist_ or _kymmist_; from _character_
and _chemist_ or _chymist_; or turned dhe hoal ruf guttural into' dhe
smoodh labial aspirate. So softening _cough_, _hough_, _trough_, _through_,
_though_; _rough_, _tough_, _slough_, _chough_, widh dhe proppers _Hough_,
_Brough_, and _Loughborough_; into' _cof_, _hof_, _trof_; _throo_ or
_thro'_, and _dho_: _ruf_, _tuf_, _sluf_, _chuf_; _Huf_, _Bruf_, and
_Lufburrough_ or _Lufburrow_. But _Gough_ perhaps Orrigin recalled into'
_Goffe_ or _Gof_; hwile _Lough_ became Inglishly _Luf_, and dhe guttural
graddually melted in _burrow_, ov hwatevver kind.

Aincient ellocucion depressed no aspirate; sattisfied widh _ph_ or _f_,
_th_, _sh_, and _kh_ or _ch_; widhout _bh_ or _v_, _dh_, _zh_ or _gh_. Dhe
labial aspirate gennerated dhe Eollic digamma F (howevver turned), hwich by
and by gave birth to' dhe Lattin V. If primmitive tungs gain dhus at length
won depressive aspirate; succeding expression, particcularly dhe Inglish,
came to' dubbel dhe depressive _v_ az wel az dhe direct _ph_ or _f_. French
articculacion havving no more occazion for such dubbling dhan her parent
Lattin, dhe Inglish acute or sharp accent askt it _evvery_ moment; but
seing no _prescedent_ in oddher picturage, forbore to' _exhibbit_ it, even
until dhe _prezzent our_, dhat Inglish anallogy, matured at last, rezolved
to' be _seen_, az wel az _herd_; to' reggulate practice by theory, and
realize theory in practice.

       *       *       *       *       *

10. DHE OLD ASPIRATE OV R.

Som Greeks, followed by som Lattins, fancied to' ad rufnes to' dhe licquid
_R_, or to' paint its innate rufnes more foarcibly, by subjoining
aspiracion. Hence rushed dhe _Rhine_ and dhe _Rhone_, dhe _Rhemi_ and
_Rheims_, _Rhoda_ and _Rhodes_; _rhomb_, _rhumb_, _rheum_, and _rhubarb_.
Dhe _Rhine_ brought _Rhenish_; az _rhythmus_ _rhythm_, _rhyme_ and _rhime_;
til at length harmonious _rezon_ introduced _rime_, boath into' French and
Inglish; hwence dhe regennerated _Rine_, pouring purified _Rennish_, rouzed
dhe rappid _Rone_ to' rezistles emmulacion; brought _Roda_ to' _Rodes_, and
_rubarb_ to' _reumatism_. Dhe verry _rinosceros_ disdains now alike to'
ruffen hiz horn widh adscitiscious snorting, and to' stifel even hiz
moddern sibbilacion.

Hwen dhe guttural aspirate lost dhe aspiracion, dhe simpel guttural alone
cood remain: az in _Caron_, _Kiron_, _Akilles_, _Cloe_, _Cronus_; widh
_carracter_, _corus_, and _coral_, stil quite clear ov _corral_: wonce
seen, because wonce herd, _Charon_, _Chiron_, _Achilles_, _Chloe_,
_Chronus_, _character_, _chorus_, and _choral_.

       *       *       *       *       *

11. ODDHER ANTIQUATED IDELLERS.

Among medial idellers, hiddherto', not onely suffered, but sanccioned, even
after parental ejeccion, ar[3] dhe _s_ ov _isle_; _l_ ov _fault_ and
_vault_, _p_ ov _receipt_, _b_ ov _debt_ and _doubt; c_ ov _perfect_ and
_verdict_[3]; here at last fairly seen _ile_, _faut_, _vaut_, _receit_,
_det_, _dout_, _perfet_, _verdit_. Alike idel iz dhe raddical _g_ ov
_feign_ and _deign_, for _fein_ and _dain_; and, werse (if possibel) dhan
idel, dhe _g_ ov _foreign_ and _sovereign_, for _forrain_ and _sovverain_,
from _forain_ and _souverain_; az dheze from _foraneus_ and _supraneus_.

       *       *       *       *       *

12. FINAL FANTOMS, OR DUBBLERS OV FINAL FORMS.

How manny final fantoms, in articculating shape, must Truiths torch beam
away! how manny dubblers ov a singuel clozer, espescially _l_, _f_, _s_,
and _c_! az _ill_, _off_, _ass_, _back_; so _err_, _inn_, _ebb_, _add_,
_odd_, _egg_: really no more, nor capabel ov being more, dhan _il_, _of_,
_as_, _bac_; _er_, _in_, _eb_, _ad_, _od_, _eg_. _Shall_, for _shal_, doz
addiscional mischief, by inviting ignorance to' brauden dhe vowel.

       *       *       *       *       *

13. ODDHER FALSIFIERS, MEDIAL OR FINAL, OV LICQUIDS OR SIBBILANTS;
PARTICCULARLY, _TI_ FOR A SIBBILACION.

Our misrepprezented consonants seem reducibel to' dheze. 1. Licquid for
licquid: _l_ for _r_, in dhe French _colonel_ for dhe Inglish _curnel_; _n_
for _m_, in dhe unutterabel _Banff_, for dhe good town ov _Bamf_. Here too
may enter for explozion, dhe _n_ ov dhe indeffinite artikel, hweddher
before a licquefaccion or an aspiracion; nedher ov hwich iz a vowel: so can
we no more say _an unicorn_ dhan _an horse_, for _a unicorn_ or _a horse_.
2. Direct for depressive; _f_ for _v_, in _of_ for _ov_; _s_ for _z_, in
_as_, _has_, _was_, _is_, _his_; for _az_, _haz_, _waz_, _iz_, _hiz_: in
dhe verbs, _house_, _use_, _peruse_, _abuse_, _excuse_, _amuse_, like
_muse_, noun or verb; _chuse_ or _choose_, widh dhe _dubbly_ fallacious
_lose_ and _vase_: for _houz_ (like _brouz_), _uze_, _peruze_, _abuze_,
_excuze_, _amuze_, _muze_, _chuze_ or _chooz_, _looz_, and _vauz_. Dhe
verbs dhus, duly sevvered from dhe nouns, lead to' distinguish dhe verb
_refuze_ from dhe adjective _refuse_, az wel az from dhe substantive
_reffuse_. _Profuze_ and _profuse_, _diffuze_ and _diffuse_, ar simmilarly
distinguishabel. Az we saw _s_ play _dubbel z_ in _visit_ and _vision_, for
_vizzit_ and _vizzion_; so see we dubbel _s_ for _z_ in dhe middel, and for
won _s_ in dhe end ov _possess_, for _pozes_; hwich hwile oppozite stres
secures to' dhe ear from dhe formative ov _poze_, az _cares_ from dhat ov
_care_, dhe context may wel guide dhe eye ov attension to' dhe undouted
meaning. No wonder if dhe direct figgure ov dhe sibbilant frenchly _rose_,
and _occasionally rises_, for dhe depressive reallity; _s_ for _z_ in
_rose_ and _rises_, _occasionally_ between vowels; for _occazionally roze_
and _rizes_; nay for dhe dubbel depressive in _risen_, for _rizzen_. Dhis
rivals indeed _Stephen_ for _Steven_, and even _nephew_ for _nevvew_. If
_Stephanus_ pretended to' pattronize dhe won, _neveu_ (not _nepos_) must
command dhe oddher.

But dhe French acaddemy, so exemplary in evvery exhibiscion ov its
language, set nohwere so fatal or so followed an exampel, az in pretending
to' conjure _ti_ into' _si_ before a vowel: a combinacion indeed! hwich
Inglish picturage ventured onely to' constitute, raddher substitute, a
sibbilant aspirate; dhe same groop _condition_ prezenting in won picturage
_condicion_; and dhence in dhe oddher _condiscion_. Yet French led not
Inglish into' dhe dissolucion ov _x_ into' _ct_, in _flexion_, _reflexion_;
hwich dhe former nevver violated into' _flection_, _reflection_, or dhe
like.

       *       *       *       *       *

14. DHE ORTHOGGRAPHY OV PROPPER NAMES.

Innocent howevver wer oddher tungs ov mispainting, az ov mispronouncing dhe
dental aspirate; hwich not attempting to' substanciate even direct, far les
depressive, dhey aught not, at least need not, to' paint at all: az dhe
French _Tomas_, if les like hiz parent dhan _Thomas_, wood be so much liker
himself; hwile _Tommas_ alone can tel Inglish truith.

But dhat _Tommas_, dho a gennerous confessor ov conviccion, iz not dhe
alone Brittish truith-teller; dhat he iz rivalled indeed by evvery oddher
propper aincient and moddern, can be no novvelty to' anny crittic ov
litterary natturalizement; hoo must onnor at wonce dhe, hware possibel,
prezerved ennergy ov orrigin; and dhe inviolate prezzervacion ov Inglish
anallogy; in dhe unchainged compannions ov _Euphrates_, _Darius_,
_Heraclitus_, _Berea_, _Thalia_, and dhe rest; az wel az in dhe
irreffragabel buties ov _Horrace_, _Terrence_, _Cezar_, _Ciscero_,
_Senneca_, _Soccrates_, _Democcritus_, _Empeddocles_, _Heroddotus_, no les
dhan ov _Jon_, _Phillip_, _Robbert_, _Parris_, widh _Hellen_, _Elizzabeth_,
and dheir oddher Anglicized frends.

       *       *       *       *       *

15. DHE FUNDAMENTAL PRINCIPEL OV ORTHOGGRAPHY.

Such iz dhe system ov INGLISH ORTHOGGRAPHY, braught widhin dhe compas ov a
few pages, on dhe unfailing principel, hwich aught to' govvern evvery plan
ov litterary improovment: first, to' make no chainge dhat can rascionally
be avoided; and dhen to' make precisely evvery variacion, from vulgar
practice, dhat can be demonstrated indispensabel. Nor iz dhis aught else
dhan a completed minniature ov INGLISH PROPRIETY _ascertained in her
picture_: two quarto-vollumes graciously received by hiz prezzent Brittish
Madjesty, from dhe same umbel hands; at St. Jameses, in 1786.

DHE END.

       *       *       *       *       *

THE ORTHOGRAPHIC RIDDLE.

PREFACE.

  These emanations of the British Muse,
  Where English thoughts could English dress refuse,
  Were once presented to another press,
  Though thence borne back, as hopeless of success.
  What honest critic e'er could credit eligible,
  Riddles to his researches unintelligible?
  When ready caution guards the lit'rate realm,
  Never shall foreign floods these isles o'erwhelm:
  Orthography the mother-tongue shall give,
  Ever, as every where, with Truth to live;
  Truth, Reason, Beauty shall o'erspread the nation;
  Shall solve the RIDDLE, with one contemplation.

      The public monitor of truth,
      Sworn enemy to what's uncouth,
      With blockheads similarly spells,
      (Orthography with pleasure tells)
      That thus the force of ridicule
      Should laugh the learned back to school.
      What then should cause that laughter strange?
      What should occasion gen'ral change?

  Orthography the answer gives,
  To satisfy whoever lives.
  The honest will confess the pity,
  Court, country, citadel with city;
  That ancients, with the giddy young,
  Should study still the Latin tongue;
  Should leave to levity, to dolour,
  The unproficient English scholar;
  Should give the very stranger dread,
  Of gibberish, that ne'er was read;
  That ne'er was heard, without derision,
  Eschewing ocular revision.

  This one example well will prove,
  Will lib'ral laughter doubtless move:
  When Pedantry shall cease to swell,
  Honour'd Humility will spell.
  The beauty then, of British truth,
  Resistless shall enamour youth;
  Shall evidence th' asseveration,
  Throughout th' etymologic nation;
  That one poetic exhibition
  Could, without lit'ral intuition,
  Fill ev'ry literary article,
  Though never spell one single particle:
  Could faithfully the whole present,
  Without[5] once shad'wing what were meant.

       *       *       *       *       *

DHE SOLUCION OV DHE ORTHOGRAPPHIC RIDDEL.

PREFFACE.

  Dheze emmanacions ov dhe Brittish Muze,
  Hware Inglish thaughts cood Inglish dres refuze,
  Wer wonce prezented to' anoddher pres,
  Dho dhence bor'n bac az hopeles ov succes.
  Hwat onnest crittic ehr cood creddit elligibel,
  Riddels to' hiz reserches unintelligibel?
  Hwen steddy caucion gards dhe litt'rate relm,
  Nevver shal forrain fluds dheze iles o'rhwelm:
  Orthoggraphy dhe moddher-tung shal guiv,
  Evver, az evv'rihware, widh Truith to' liv;
  Truith, Rezon, Buty shal o'rspred dhe nacion;
  Shal solv dhe RIDDEL, widh won contemplacion.

      Dhe pubblic monnitor ov truith,
      Swor'n ennemy to' hwat'z uncooth,
      Widh blockheds simmilarly spels,
      (Orthoggraphy widh plezzure tels)
      Dhat dhus dhe foarce ov riddicule
      Shood laf dhe lerned bac to' scool.
      Hwat dhen shood cauz dhat lafter strainge?
      Hwat shood occazion genn'ral chainge?

  Orthoggraphy dhe anser guivs,
  To' sattisfy hooevver livs.
  Dhe onnest wil confes dhe pitty,
  Coart, contry, cittadel widh citty;
  Dhat aincients, widh dhe guiddy yong,
  Shood studdy stil dhe Lattin tung;
  Shood leve to' levvity, to' dollor,
  Dhe unprofiscient Inglish scollar;
  Shood guiv dhe verry strainger dred,
  Ov guibberish, dhat nehr waz red;
  Dhat nehr waz herd widhout derizzion,
  Eskewing occular revizzion.

  Dhis won exampel wel wil proov,
  Wil libb'ral lafter doutles moov:
  Hwen Peddantry shal cese to' swel,
  Onnor'd Humillity wil spel.
  Dhe buty dhen, ov Brittish truith,
  Rezistles shal enammor yooth;
  Shal evvidence dh' assevveracion,
  Thro'out dh' etymmolodgic nacion;
  Dhat won poettic exhibiscion
  Cood, widhout litt'ral intuiscion,
  Fil evv'ry litterary artikel,
  Dho nevver spel won singuel partikel:
  Cood faithfoolly dhe hoal prezent,
  Widhout[6] wonce shadd'wing hwat wer ment.

       *       *       *       *       *

NOTES

[1] If not vulgarized from _batteller_.

[2] Ov _mow_ dhe vowel and servile coalesce, (az in _sow_,) into' a
dipthong, in dhe compound noun _barley-mow_.

[3] From dhe old barbarous French _isle_[4], _faulte_, _voulte_, _recepte_,
_debte_, _doubte_; _parfaict_, _vraidict_: now duly _île_, _faute_,
_voute_, _recette_, _dette_, _doute_, _parfait_, and _vraidit_ from _verè
dictum_.

[4] Inglish propriety, and indeed common-sense, must also protest against
two' late _misnomers: Th'isleworth_ for _Thistelworth_; and dhe forrain
affectacion ov _St. Mary la bonne_ (or even _borne_) for _Marribone_.

[5] Without one particle, representing what is read.

[6] Widhout won partikel, repprezenting hwat iz red.