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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI

VOL. 102

APRIL 16, 1892







WRESTLING WITH WHISTLERS.

(A REMINISCENCE OF A RECENT EXHIBITION.)

    SCENE--_The Goupil Gallery. Groups of more or less puzzled
    Britons discovered, conscientiously endeavouring to do justice
    to the Collection, having realised that Mr. WHISTLER's work
    is now considered entitled to serious consideration, but
    feeling themselves unable to get beyond a timid tolerance.
    In addition to these, there are Frank Philistines who are
    here with a fixed intention of being funny, Matrons with a
    strongly domesticated taste in Art, Serious Elderly Ladies,
    Literal Persons, &c., &c._

_A Lady_ (_after looking at a representation of Old Battersea
Bridge--in the tone of a person who feels she is making a liberal
concession_). Well, do you know, I must say that _isn't_ so bad. I
shouldn't so much mind having _that_ in the room, should you?

[Illustration: A Brother Brush.]

_Her Companion_ (_dubiously_). Well, I don't know. He's put a steamer
in. Should you think there _were_ steamers in--a--(_vaguely_)--those
days?

_First Lady_ (_evidently considering Mr. WHISTLER capable of any
eccentricity_). Oh, I don't suppose he would mind _that_ much.

_First Literal Person_ (_coming to the portrait of Miss ALEXANDER_).
Well--(_plaintively_)--he _might_ have put a nicer expression on the
child!

_Second Do. Do._ Yes--very unpleasing. (_Refers to Catalogue._) Oh,
I see it says--"It is simply a disagreeable presentment of a
disagreeable young lady."

_First Do. Do._ (_rejoicing that the painter has vindicated himself
this time_). Ah--that _explains_ it, then. Of course if he _meant_
it--!

_A Serious Elderly Lady._ There's one thing I must say I _do_ like, my
dear, and that's the way he puts down all the unfavourable criticisms
on his pictures. So straightforward and honest of him, _I_ call it.

_Her Companion._ Yes, but I expect he can't help seeing how right and
sensible the critics are, you know. Still--(_charitably_)--it shows he
would do better if he _could_!

_An Advanced Nephew_ (_who is endeavouring to convert a Philistine
Uncle to the superiority of the Modern School_). Now here, Uncle,
look at this. Look at the way the figure looms out of the canvas, look
at the learning in the simple sweep of the drapery, the _drawing_ of
it, and the masterly grace of the pose--you don't mean to tell me you
don't call _that_ a magnificent portrait?

_His Uncle._ Who's it of? That's what _I_ want to know first.

_Nephew_ (_coldly_). You will find it in the Catalogue, no doubt--No.
41.

_Uncle_ (_looking it up_). "_Arrangement in Black. La Dame au
Brodequin Jaune._"--the lady in a yellow something or other. Tchah!
And not a word to tell you who she's supposed to _be_? If I pay a
shilling for a Catalogue, I expect to find information in it. And let
me ask you--where's the interest in looking at a portrait when you're
not told who it's intended for?

    [_The Nephew, not being prepared to answer this difficult
    query, leads his relative gently up to a "Nocturne in Opal and
    Silver." The Uncle conveys his opinion of it by a loud and
    expressive snort._

_First Prosaic Person_ (_before No. 28_). Valparaiso, is it?
(_Hopefully._) Well, come, I _ought_ to recognise this--I've _been_
there often enough. (_Inspecting it closely._) Ha--um!

_Second P.P._ (_with languid interest_). Is it _like_?

_First P.P._ I could tell you better if he'd done it by daylight.
I can't make out this in the front--looks to me like the top of a
_house_, or something. Don't remember _that_.

_Second P.P._ I think it's meant for a jetty, landing-stage, or that
sort of thing, and, when you look _into_ it, there's something that
seems intended for people--_most_ extraordinary, isn't it?

_The Domesticated Matron_ (_who is searching for a picture with a
subject to it_). There, CAROLINE, it's evidently a _harbour_, you see,
and ships, and they're letting off fireworks--probably for a regatta,
Does it tell you what it is in the Catalogue?

_Caroline_ (_after consulting it_). It only says, "_A Nocturne in Blue
and Gold_"--oh yes--(_reading_)--"a splash and splutter of brightness,
on a black ground, to depict a display of fireworks."

_Her Mother_ (_gratified at her own intelligence_). I thought it
_must_ be fireworks. He seems quite _fond_ of fireworks, doesn't he?

_First Facetious Philistine._ Hullo, what have we got here?
"_Crepuscule, in Flesh-colour and Green._" Very _like_ one, too,
daresay--when you know what it is.

_Second F.P._ As far as I can make it out, a Crepuscule's either a
Harmony inside out, or a Symphony upside down--it don't much matter.

_A Lady_ (_who is laboriously trying to catch the right spirit_).
"_The Blue Wave at Biarritz_." Now I _do_ admire that. And what I like
even better than the Blue wave is this great Brown one breaking in the
foreground--so exactly _like_ water, isn't it, DICK?

_Dick_ (_not a Whistlerite_). Y--yes--just. Only it's a rock, you
know.

_The Lady._ But if that's the way he _saw_ it, DICK!

_Dick._ Here's a thing! "_St. Mark's, Venice_." I'll _trouble_ you!
What's he done with the flagstaffs and the bronze horses and the
pigeons? _I_ never saw the place look like that.

_The Lady._ Because it didn't happen to be _foggy_ while we were
there, that's all.

_First Pros. Person._ Ah, there's old CARLYLE, you see! Dear me, what
a very badly fitting coat--see how it bulges over his chest!

_Second P.P._ Yes. I daresay he buttoned the wrong button--philosopher
and all that sort o' thing, y'know.

_First P.P._ (_sympathetically_). Well, I _do_ think WHISTLER might
have _told_ him of it!

IN THE SECOND ROOM.

_The Matron in Search of a Subject._ Ah, now, this really is more
_my_ idea of a picture. Quite a pretty _crétonne_ those curtains,
and there's a little girl reading a book, and a looking-glass with
reflections and all, and a young lady in a riding-habit--just going
out for a ride.

_Caroline._ Yes. Mother. Or just come in from one.

_Her Mother._ Do see what it's called. "_The Morning Canter_" or
"_Back from the Row_"--something of that kind, I _expect_ it would be.

_Caroline._ All it says is, "_A Harmony in Green and Rose_."

_The Mother_ (_disappointed_). Now, why can't he give it some
_sensible_ name, instead of taking away all one's interest!

_The Phil. Uncle_ (_whom a succession of Symphonies and Harmonies has
irritated to the verge of fury_). Don't talk to me, Sir! Don't tell me
any of these things are pictures. Look at _this_--a young woman in an
outlandish dress sitting on the floor--on the bare floor!--in a litter
of Japanese sketches! And he has the confounded impertinence to call
it a "_Caprice_"--a "_Caprice in Purple and Gold_." _I_'d purple and
gold him, Sir, if I had _my_ way! Where's the _sense_ in such things?
What do they _teach_ you? What _story_ do they tell? Where's the
_human interest_ in them? Depend upon it, Sir, these things are
rubbish--sheer rubbish, according to all _my_ notions of Art, and I
think you'll allow I _ought_ to know something about it?

_His Nephew_ (_provoked beyond prudence_). You certainly ought to know
more than _that_, my dear Unc--Are you going?

_The Uncle_ (_grimly_). Yes--to see my Solicitor, Sir. (_To himself,
savagely._) That confounded young prig will find he's paid dear enough
for his precious Whistlers--if I don't have a fit in the cab!

    [_He goes; the Nephew wonders whether his attempt at
    proselytising was quite worth while._

_A Seriously Elderly Lady._ I've no _patience_ with the man. Look
at GUTSTAVE DORÉ, now. I'm sure _he_ was a beautiful artist, if
you _like_. Did _he_ go and call his "_Leaving the Prætorium_" a
"Symphony" or a "Harmony," or any nonsense of that kind? Of course
not--and yet look at the _difference_!

_An Impressionable Person_ (_carried away by the local influence--to
the Man at the wicket, blandly_). Could you kindly oblige me by
exchanging this "Note in Black and White" for an "Arrangement in
Silver and Gold"?

    [_Finds himself cruelly misunderstood, and suspected of
    frivolity._

       *       *       *       *       *

PERSONAL PARAGRAPHS.

The Rev. No. 354, writing from Dartmoor, requests us to inform
his numerous friends in Bath and elsewhere that his health is much
improved by the bracing air, and that he is occupied in revising for
the press his course of Sermons to the Young on the Moral Virtues.
He is also anxious to inform his creditors that his accounts are now
completely in order. It is a source of great comfort to him to reflect
that he was able to obtain considerable sums of money from his friends
in Bath, before he was obliged to leave that city, and that, with the
residue of this money, obtained so to speak from PETER, he will now
have the satisfaction of paying a farthing in the pound to PAUL, in
other words, to his creditors.

Mrs. BRINVILLIERS was yesterday visited by her friends. Our readers
will be glad to know that she is quite well and has escaped the
influenza epidemic.

Mr. ST. LEONARDS, with the consent of the Governor, takes this
opportunity of thanking the friends who have so kindly condoled with
him on the unavoidable interruption to his long and arduous work in
the service of his country. He hopes that nothing will prevent him
from displaying equal zeal in the still more arduous labour, which,
also for the benefit of his country, he is now compelled to undertake
for a certain period.

Miss DODGER is still unwell. The HOME SECRETARY has not yet sent
instructions for a special drawing-room to be fitted up in the prison,
nor has he, up till now, given any permission for Miss DODGER's
afternoon receptions, and five o'clock teas. It is generally
considered that the probability of his doing so, without a Special Act
of Parliament, is still very remote.

       *       *       *       *       *

BROKEN BONDS.

    ["I learn from St. Petersburg, that, last Saturday,
    conferences were begun between Russia and Germany on the
    admission of the former to the new commercial treaties."--_The
    Times Paris Correspondent on "Russia and the Central
    Commercial League."_]

_La Belle France, the Forsaken One, loquitur_:--

  What do I hear? Oh, do I hear aright,
    Over the garden wall?
  My latest love, my gallant Muscovite,
    Is this the end, this all?
  My heartbeats fast, a mist obscures my sight.
    Support me, or I fall!

  What can he mean? Whatever is she at?--
    Ah! well I know _her_ game!
  GERMANIA is a vile coquette, a cat.
    Seducing my new flame
  With mercenary lures, and low at that!
    It is a cruel shame!

  But six short months ago and I to him
    Indeed seemed all in all.
  A stalwart lover, though _tant soit peu_ grim,
    I fancied him my thrall.
  And was it after all pretence, or whim?
    Oh, prospect, to appal!

  I know my envious rivals said as much,[1]
    But that I deemed their spite,
  Was't but my money he desired to clutch?
    I lent it--with delight!
  Were his mere venal vows? His bonds but such
    As SAMSON snapped at sight?

  See how she purrs, false puss! She deems her _dot_
    May well out-glitter mine.
  And he! That slow seductive smile I know.
    At Cronstadt by the brine,
  To that dear dulcet voice, not long ago,
    My ears did I incline.

  Ah! and those fine moustachios' conquering curl
    Subdued my maiden heart.
  For me those tendril-tips he'd twist and twirl,
    Looking so gay, so smart;
  And now he does it for another girl,
    And I--I stand apart.

  Did I not give my heart to him--false one!--
    And also--well, my "stocking"?
  Nor after her "commercial" charms he'll run,
    My modest beauties mocking.
  Hist! I believe of me they're making fun!
    _O Ciel_! 'tis simply shocking!

  Hist! I can hear her, the sly cat. How fond
    Her glances bold and bright!
  Her bag is brimming, mine's a broken bond.
    I dreamed not me he'd slight
  For such mere bagman beauty, tamely blonde,
    But--ah! _was_ BLOWITZ right?

    [_Left doubting._

[Footnote 1: "The success of a Russian Loan is not dearly purchased by
a little effusion, which, after all, commits Russia to nothing." (See
Cartoon "Turning the Tables," Sept. 26, 1891.)]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: A TERRIBLE THREAT.

Impatient Old Gentleman (to Female Post-Office Assistant, who is
chatting pleasantly with an agreeable acquaintance). "LOOK HERE,
YOUNG WOMAN, IF YOU DON'T GIVE ME MY CHANGE, CONFOUND IT, I'M HANGED
IF I DON'T GO AWAY _WITHOUT IT_!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

DR. VAUGHAN, of Salford, is to be the New Roman Catholic Archbishop of
Westminster. He is a bright cheerful-looking man now, but it is to
be feared that the extra toil and trouble of London may soon give his
features a Care-Vaughan expression.

       *       *       *       *       *

THE BOUNDS OF SCIENCE.

(FRAGMENT FROM A FIN DE MONDE ROMANCE.)

The Student had read many things, but he had not yet considered
the subject of Coal. He knew that it was expensive, but he had not
imagined that there was so little in the world. But he at length
obtained the requisite knowledge, and set to work to put things
to-rights. He called upon the Secretary of a Transatlantic Ocean
Steamer Company, and remonstrated with him upon the waste with which
the transactions of his institution were conducted.

"You carry your passengers too rapidly," he observed.

"As how?" asked the Secretary.

"Why I am given to understand that the power generated by the coal
gives each person on board your ships a rate of progression night and
day of twenty-four horses."

"And, if it does--what then?"

"Why, it is too much," returned the Student. "All the coal in the
world will be exhausted in something like four or five hundred years;
and so, while there is yet time, I had better go somewhere where coal
is a secondary consideration. What shall I do?"

And then the Secretary advised the Student to take a ticket to the
Centre of Africa--and the Student followed his advice. But the day
before the boat started, the Student once more appeared.

"I am afraid," said he, "I must ask you for the return of my money. I
find that it will be useless for me to go to the Centre of Africa, as
the Sun is about to cease giving warmth."

"Dear me!" cried the Secretary, "I was under the impression that the
Sun was timed to last about one hundred millions of years?"

"It may have been in the far distant past," returned the Student,
sadly, "but recent statistics fix the termination of the Sun's
existence at a much nearer date. There is no doubt that the Sun
will not last more than four millions of years, or five millions at
longest. Now give me my money!"

And (of course) the bullion was promptly returned.

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: BROKEN BONDS.

_La France_. "IS IT POSSIBLE!--BUT SIX MONTHS AGO!--AND NOW--"]

       *       *       *       *       *

LETTERS TO ABSTRACTIONS.

NO. XII.--TO PLAUSIBILITY.

DEAR OLD PLAU,

Hear you have been seen about again with GENIALITY. Poor GENIALITY, it
may be admitted, is often something of a fool when he is by himself,
but when you and he begin to hunt in couples, you are a deadly
pair. I once knew a St. Bernard dog--you will perceive the analogy
by-and-by--who lived on terms of friendship with a Skye terrier.
By himself _Rufus_ was a mild and inoffensive giant. He adored the
house-cat, and used to help her, in a ponderous way, with the care
of her numerous family. Many a time have I seen him placidly extended
before a fire, while puss used his shaggy body as a sleeping box, and
once he was observed to help that anxious tabby-mother with the toilet
of her kittens by licking them carefully all over. At every lick of
_Rufus's_ huge prehensile tongue a kitten was lifted bodily into the
air, only, however, to descend washed and unharmed to the ground. But
out of doors, in the society of _Flick, Rufus's_ whole nature seemed
to change. He became a demon-exterminator of cats. Led on by his
yelping little friend, he chased them fiercely to their last retreats,
and, if he caught them, masticated them without mercy. Once too, on
a morning that had been appointed for a big covert-shoot, I noticed
this strangely assorted pair come into the breakfast-room panting and
dirty. They were not usually afoot before breakfast. What could their
condition mean? A flustered keeper arrived shortly afterwards and
explained everything. "Them two dogs o' yourn, Sir," he said, "the big
'un and the little 'un, 'ave run all the coverts through. There's not
a pheasant left in 'em. They're sailin' all over the country."

[Illustration]

The truth was that _Flick_ had organised the expedition with
extraordinary secrecy and cunning. He had persuaded _Rufus_ to join
him, and the result was that we shot forty pheasants instead of the
three hundred on which we had counted.

Now, my dear PLAU, I merely record this little story, and leave you
to apply it. But I may remind you of incidents that touch you more
nearly. Do you remember GORTON? Many years ago GORTON went to Oxford
with a brilliant reputation. Every triumph that the University could
confer was held to be within his grasp. His contemporaries looked
upon him as a marvellous being, who was destined to rise to the top
of whatever tree he felt disposed to climb. He was really a delightful
fellow, fresh, smiling, expansive, amusing, and his friends all
worshipped him. Of course he went in for the Hertford. His success was
certain; it was merely a question as to who should be second. On the
evening before the examination began, there was a strange commotion in
GORTON's College. GORTON, who was supposed to have been reading hard,
was found at about twelve o'clock in the quad in his nightgown. He was
on all fours, and was engaged in eating grass and roaring out ribald
snatches of Latin songs in a shrill voice. When the porter approached
him he said he was a hippogriff, and that in another ten minutes he
intended to fly to Iffley and back in half a second. He was carried
up to bed raving horribly. On the following day he grew calmer, and
in a week he was himself again. But by that time, of course, the
examination was over, and DUBBIN was soon afterwards announced as the
successful competitor.

Judging the past by what I know now, I cannot doubt that the madness
of GORTON was what patrons of the prize-ring call a put-up job, for
he never afterwards showed the smallest symptom of lunacy. He had not
worked sufficiently, and knew he must fail. So he became temporarily
insane, to avoid defeat and maintain his reputation for scholarship.
He left Oxford without taking a degree, and owing money right and
left--to tradesmen, to his friends, to his tutor. Then he disappeared
for some years.

Next he suddenly cropped up again in Ireland. A small borough
constituency had been suddenly declared vacant. GORTON happened to be
staying in the hotel. He promptly offered himself as a candidate, and
plunged with extraordinary vigour into the contest. The way that man
fooled a simple-hearted Irish electorate was marvellous. They came to
believe him to be a millionnaire, a king of finance, a personage at
whose nod Statesmen trembled, a being who mingled with all that was
highest and best in the land. He cajoled them, he flattered them, he
talked them round his little finger, he rollicked with them, opened
golden vistas of promise to everyone of them, smiled at their wives,
defied the Lord Lieutenant, and was elected by a crushing majority
over a native pork-merchant who had nothing but his straightforward
honesty to commend him. Of course there was a petition, and equally
of course GORTON was unseated. Then came the reckoning. GORTON had
apparently intimated that two of the great London political Clubs were
so warmly interested in his candidature as to have undertaken to pay
all his expenses. But when application was made to these institutions,
their secretaries professed a complete and chilling ignorance of
GORTON, and the deputation from Ballywhacket, which had gone to London
in search of gold, had to return empty-handed to their native place,
after wasting a varied stock of full-flavoured Irish denunciation on
the London pavements. But GORTON was undaunted. He actually published
an address in which he lashed the hateful ingratitude of men
who betrayed their friends with golden words, and abandoned them
shamefully in the hour of defeat. But never, so he said, would he
abandon the betrayed electors of Ballywhacket. Others might shuffle,
and cheat and cozen, but he might be counted upon to remain firm,
faithful, and incorruptible amidst the seething waves of political
turpitude.

Having issued this, he vanished again, and was heard of no more for
six or seven years. Then he gradually began to emerge again. He was
engaged in the completion of an immense work of genealogical research,
which was intended to cast an entirely new light on many obscure
incidents of English history. For this he solicited encouragement--and
subscriptions. He enclosed with his appeals some specimen pages, which
appeared to promise marvels of industry and research. His preface
was a wonderful essay, of which a HAYWARD would scarcely have
been ashamed. In this way he gathered a large amount of money from
historical enthusiasts with more ardour than knowledge, and from old
friends who, knowing his real ability, believed that he had at last
determined to justify the opinions of him which they had always held
and expressed. It is unnecessary to add that not another line was
written. For several years ill health was supposed to hinder him. We
read piteous stories of his struggles against the agonies of neuralgia
and rheumatics, some of us threw good money after bad in the effort to
relieve the imaginary sufferer; but to this day the proofs of PERKIN
WARBECK's absolute claim to the throne, and of JACK CADE's indubitable
royal descent remain in the scheming brain of GORTON. Eventually the
poor wretch did die in penury, but over that part of his story I need
not linger. The irony of fate ordained that when he was actually in
want he should wish to be thought in possession of a large income.

I knew a Clergyman once--at least I had every reason to believe him
to be a lawfully ordained Minister of the Church of England. He was
taken on as temporary Curate in a remote district. His life, while he
remained there, was exemplary. He was untiring in good works; the poor
adored him, the well-to-do honoured him. We all thought him a pattern
of unselfish and almost primitive saintliness, and when he departed
from us he went with a silver inkstand, a dining-room clock and a
purse of sovereigns, subscribed for by the parish. The odour of his
sanctity had scarcely evaporated before we discovered, with horror,
that the man had never been ordained at all! He was an impostor,
masquerading under an assumed name, but while he was with us he did
good and lived a flawless life. These matters puzzle me. Perhaps you,
my dear PLAU, can explain.

Yours, DIOGENES ROBINSON.

       *       *       *       *       *

A RATHER LARGE ORDER.--Amongst the many suggested plans for housing
the collection of pictures once offered by Mr. TATE to the Nation, is
a scheme for turning the Banqueting-hall at Whitehall to a useful and
good account. As a thoughtful Artist has observed in this connection,
"At this moment the spacious building is tied round the necks of the
Members of the United Service Institution like a white elephant."

       *       *       *       *       *

A MONEY-LENDER said he had never been inside a Church since the day
he looked in at hymn-time, and heard them singing, "With one per cent.
let all the earth," and he didn't want to hear anymore.

       *       *       *       *       *

TRYING TO THE TEMPER.--Mrs. R. says nothing can induce her to eat
cross buns, as they are sure to disagree with her.

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: TRIALS AT THE LAW COURTS.

A TIMID BUT ERUDITE "LEADER" IS URGED TO TAKE A "BAD OBJECTION."]

       *       *       *       *       *

OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.

All who are interested in the theatrical celebrities of past times
will do well to read a brief, indeed, a too brief paper, about DOROTHY
JORDAN, written by FITZGERALD MOLLOY, for _The English Illustrated
Magazine_ of this month. The Baron does not remember if THACKERAY
touched on the story of this talented Actress in his Lectures on "_The
Four Georges_;" but the sad finish to the brilliant career of Mrs.
JORDAN could hardly have escaped the great Satirist as being one
instance, among many, illustrating the wise King's advice as to "not
putting your trust in Princes;" "or," for the matter of that, and in
fairness, it must be added, "in any child of man." Poor DOROTHY, or
DOLLY JORDAN! but now a Queen of "Puppets," and now--thus, a mere
rag-dolly. Ah, CLARENCE!--"False, fleeting, perjured CLARENCE!" as
SHAKSPEARE wrote of that other Duke in Crookback'd RICHARD's time, for
whom the "ifs" and "ands" of life were resolved for ever in a final
"butt."

In the issue for 1891 of that most interesting yearly Annual, _The
Book-Worm_, for which the Baron, taking it up now and again, blesses
ELLIOT STOCK, of Paternoster Row, there is a brief but interesting
account of _The Annexed Prayer-Book_, which, after some curious
chances and changes, was at last ordered to be photographed page by
page, without being removed from the custody of Black Rod. "By means
of an elaborate system of reflecting," the process of photographing
was carried on in the House of Lords. It is satisfactory to all
Book-worms to know that so important a work was not undertaken without
even more than the usual amount of reflection.

THE BARON DE BOOK-WORMS.

       *       *       *       *       *

THE HAMLET IN THE HAYMARKET.

With Mr. TREE's impersonation of _Hamlet_ most London playgoers
are by this time acquainted, though not yet familiar. It is a
most interesting performance, especially to those who remember
the inauguration of startling new departures by CHARLES FECHTER.
The question for every fresh _Hamlet_ must always be, "How can I
differentiate my _Hamlet_ from all previous _Hamlets_? What can I
do that nobody has as yet thought of doing?" "To be or not to be"
_Hamlet_, "that is the question"; whether 'tis better continuously to
suffer the tortures of uncertainty as to what you might have achieved
had you essayed the part, or to take up the study of it, and ceasing
to shiver on the bank, leave off your damnable faces, and plunge in?
Mr. TREE has plunged, and is going on swimmingly.

Mrs. TREE's _Ophelia_ sane, is charming. Her distraught _Ophelia_ is
very mad indeed, and her method in her madness is excellent.

[Illustration: "I am thy Father's Ghost!"]

There is a curious monotony in some of the stage-business. Thus,
_Ophelia_ pauses in her exit and comes up quietly behind the
absent-minded Prince as if to play bo-peep with him: then, later on,
after his apparently brutal treatment of her, _Hamlet_ returns, and,
while he is stooping and in tears, he kisses her hair and runs away
noiselessly as if this also were another part of the same game. Then
again, in the Churchyard, after the scandalous brawling (brought
about by the stupid ignorance of a dunderheaded ecclesiastic, to whose
Bishop _Laertes_ ought to have immediately reported him), _Hamlet_
returns to weep and throw flowers into the grave. Now excellent
"returns" are dear to the managerial heart, and consoling to his
pocket, when they attest the overflowing attendance of "friends in
front;" but when "returns" are on the stage, their excellence may be
questioned on the score of monotony. Now, as to the Churchyard Scene,
permit me to make a suggestion:--the Second Gravedigger has been
commissioned by the First Gravedigger, with money down, to go to a
neighbouring publican of the name of YAUGHAN, pronounced Yogan or
Yawn,--probably the latter, on account either of his opening his mouth
wide, or of his being a sleepy-headed fellow,--and fetch a stoop of
liquor. Now, when all the turmoil is over, the remaining gravedigger
would at once set to work, as in fact he does in this scene at the
Haymarket; but here he just shovels a handful of mould into the grave,
and then, without rhyme or reason (with both of which he has been
plentifully supplied by SHAKSPEARE), suddenly away he goes, merely to
allow for the "business" of _Hamlet's_ re-entrance. But why shouldn't
there be here, prior to the return of _Hamlet_, a re-entrance of the
Second Gravedigger, as if coming back from friend YAUGHAN's with
the pot of ale? The sight of this would attract First Gravedigger,
and take the thirsty soul most readily from his work to discuss
the refreshment in some shady nook. Then by all means let _Hamlet_
return to pour out his grief; and on this picture ought the Curtain
effectively descend.

A novel point introduced by Mr. TREE is that his _Hamlet_,
entertaining an affectionate remembrance of the late YORICK, assumes a
friendly and patronising air towards YORICK's successor, a Court Fool,
apparently so youthful that he may still be supposed to be learning
his business. So when His Royal Highness _Hamlet_ has what he
considers "a good thing" to say, Mr. TREE places the novice in jesting
near himself, and pointedly speaks at him; as e.g., when, in reply to
the King's inquiry after his health, he tells him that he "eats air
promise-crammed," adding, with a sly look at the Court Fool, "you
cannot feed capons so." Whereat the Fool, put into a difficult
position, through his fear of offending the Prince by _not_ laughing,
or angering the King (his employer) by laughing, has to acknowledge
the Prince's witticism with a deferential, but somewhat deprecatory,
snigger.

Again, when _Hamlet_ is "going to have a lark" with old _Polonius_--a
proceeding in exquisitely bad taste by the way--Mr. TREE's _Hamlet_
attracts the young Court Jester's attention to his forthcoming
novelty. Now this time, as the repartee is about as rude a thing
as any vulgar cad of an 'ARRY might have uttered, the professional
Jester, who evidently does not owe his appointment to the Lord
Chamberlain's favour, and is exempt from his jurisdiction, grins
all over his countenance, and hops away to explain the jest to some
of the courtiers, while _Hamlet_ himself, to judge by his smiling
countenance, is clearly very much pleased with his own performance
in showing a Jester how the fool should be played. And this notion
is consistent with the character of a Prince who takes upon himself
to lecture the Actors on their own art. There is no subtler touch in
SHAKSPEARE's irony than his putting these instructions to players
in the mouth of a noble amateur. Of the revival, as a whole, one
may truthfully say, _Ça donne à penser_, and, indeed, the study of
_Hamlet_ is inexhaustible.

       *       *       *       *       *

WITH THEIR EASTER EGGS.

_The Emp-r-r of G-rm-ny._--Presentation copy of the light and leading
satirical English Paper.

_The Cz-r of R-ss-a._--Letter of regret from President C-RN-T.

_The Pr-s-d-nt of the Fr-nch R-p-bl-c._--Secretly-obtained copy of
proposed treaty for a Quadruple Alliance.

_The K-ng of It-ly._--Scheme for a _modus vivendi_.

_The P-pe._--Duplicate copy of ditto.

_Ch-nc-ll-r C-pr-vi._--Permit for leave of absence.

_Pr-nce V-n B-sm-rck._--A song, "_The Return of the Pilot_."

_The M-rq-s of S-l-sb-ry._--Date of the General Election.

_The Ch-nc-ll-r of the Exch-q-r._--Comments on the Budget.

_F-rst L-rd of the Tr-s-ry._--New rules for the game of Golf.

_Rt. Hon. W.E. Gl-dst-ne._--Set of Diaries for the next twenty years.

_The P-t L-r-te._--The Order of "The Foresters."

_The Oxf-rd E-ght._--The Blue Riband of the Thames.

_S-r A-g-st-s Dr-r-l-n-s._--A month's well-deserved rest.

_N-b-dy in P-rt-c-l-r._--A legacy of £100,000.

_Ev-ryb-dy in G-n-r-l._--Rates and taxes.

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: SO FRIVOLOUS!

_Wife_. "SOLOMON, I HAVE A BONE TO PICK WITH YOU."

_Solomon_ (_flippantly_). "WITH PLEASURE, MY DEAR, SO LONG AS IT'S A
FUNNY BONE!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

THE DYNAMITE DRAGON.

  A dragon! Faugh! that foul and writhing Worm
  Seems scarcely worthy of the ancient term
  That fills old myth, and typifies the fight
  'Twixt wrathful evil and the force of right.
  The dragons of the prime, fierce saurian things
  With ogre gorges and with harpy wings,
  Fitted their hour; the haunts that gave them birth,
  The semi-chaos of the early earth,
  The slime, the earthquake shock, the whelming flood,
  Made battle ground for the colossal brood.
  But now, when centuries of love and light
  Have warmed and brightened man's old home; when might
  Is not all sinister, nor all desire
  Fierce appetite, that all-devouring fire,--
  When life is not alone a wasting scourge,
  But from the swamps of soulless strife emerge
  Some Pisgah peaks of promise where the dove
  Finds footing, high the whirling gulfs above,--
  Now the intrusion of this loathly shape,
  With pestilence-breathing jaws that blackly gape
  For indiscriminate prey, is sure a thing
  To set celestial guards once more a-wing;
  To fire a new St. Michael or St. George
  With the bright death to cleave the monster's gorge,
  And trample out the Laidly Worm's last breath
  In the convulsions of reluctant death.
  A crawling, craven, sneaking, snaking brute;
  Purposeless spite, and hatred absolute,
  In hideous shape incarnate! Venomed Gad
  In Civilisation's path; malignant-mad,
  And blindly biting; raising an asp-neck
  In Beauty's foot-tracks, and prepared to wreck
  The ordered work of ages in a day,
  To raze and shatter, to abase and slay.
  Blind as the earthquake, headlong as the storm,
  Yet in such hideous subter-human form,
  Vulgar as venomous! Dragon indeed,
  And dangerous, but with no soul save greed,
  No aim save chaos. Bloody, yet so blind,
  The common enemy of humankind;
  Whose age-stored works and ways it yearns to blast,
  To smite to ruined fragments, and to cast
  Prone--as itself is prone--in common dust.
  The Beautiful, the Wise, the Strong, the Just,
  All fruit of labour, and all spoil of thought,
  All that co-operant Man hath won or wrought,
  All that the heart has loved, the mind has taught
  Through the long generations, hoarded gains
  Of plastic fancies, and of potent brains;
  Thrones, Temples, Marts, Art's alcoves, Learning's domes,
  Patrician palaces, and _bourgeois_ homes.
  Down, down!--to glut _its_ spleen, the paltry thing,
  Impotent, save to lurk, and coil, and spring,
  But powerful as the poison-drop, once sped,
  That creeps, corrupts, and leaves its victim--dead!
  As the asp's fang could turn to pulseless clay
  The Pride of Egypt, so this Worm can slay
  If left long covert for its crawling course.
  Up, up against it every virile force,
  And every valorous virtue! By its hiss
  'Tis known _hostis humani generis_,
  Let Civilisation snatch St. Michael's sword,
  And slay this Dragon, of a tribe abhorred
  The meanest and the most malignant Worm
  Which can spill venom, but, attacked, will squirm,
  Shrink, splutter, vanish. With no noble end,
  All men must be its foes, blind hatred its sole friend!

       *       *       *       *       *

BREAKING.

    [In his spot-barred Billiard-Match with H. COLES, PEALL made
    breaks of 108, 133, 64, 52, 78, 77, and 80.]

  Break, break, break
    On thy Billiard-board, oh P.!
  As easy as cutting butter
    The business seems to thee.

  "Oh, well that the spot is barred,"
    The knowing ones glibly say,
  "Or we might get no chance
    Of a COLES' strike here to-day."

  And the marvellous game goes on.
    Till the watchers have their fill;
  And one drops off, and dreams
    He's taken the "Red" for a pill.

  Break, break, break!
    And there's one that will broken be;
  For the Pony I put on the other man
    Will never come back to me.

       *       *       *       *       *

SUGGESTION FROM "CHILDE HAROLD" AT OLYMPIA.--"I stood in Venice on the
Bridge of Size And paint," &c., &c.

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: THE DYNAMITE DRAGON.]

       *       *       *       *       *

ON THE FIRST GREEN CHAIR.

[Illustration: Thursday, April 7. Hyde Park. Mid-day.]

  Reach it, attendant; wicked winter flies off:
    Place it with pomp for me to sit and stare
  Up at the sun who banquets us with cries of
      "Chair!"

  Long have we pined in darkness most uncanny:
    Now to Hyde Park return its gauze of gold,
  Jewels of crocus and enhancements mani-
      -fold.

  Welcome, delicious zephyr, blithe new-comer,
    Urging to purchase patent-leather boots,
  Hats of a virgin glossiness, and summer
      suits.

  Welcome, attire of carnival-carousers,
    Suddenly bursting on the 'wildered view.
  Mine--I don't mind confessing it--are trousers
      new,

  These that, serene in atmosphere serenest,
    Droop o'er a Chair, whose emerald taunts the trees--
  Green are the leaves, and greener than the greenest
      Peas!

  All things must end: to-morrow may be icy:
    Wither too soon the joys that freshest are;
  End will sweet summer reveries, and my ci-
      gar.

  Ends too that master-piece of Messrs. HYAM
    Bashfully hinted at in line sixteen;
  Green was the Chair I sat on--and now _I_ am
      green!

       *       *       *       *       *

"ALL'S (FAIRLY) WELL."

    SCENE--_The War Office. Sanctum of the COMMANDER-IN-CHIEF.
    H.R.H. is seated on a chair. To him enter (after being
    properly complimented by a couple of Grenadiers on guard
    over an area) INSPECTOR-GENERAL OF EVERYTHING, Field-Marshal
    PUNCH._

_Inspector-General_ (_sharply_). Well, Sir! (_COMMANDER-IN-CHIEF comes
briskly to attention_.) No, your Royal Highness, you can be seated.
I don't want to disturb you--much! And now, how is the Easter Review
getting on?

_Com.-in-Chief_. First-rate, Sir. Excellent, Sir! Couldn't be better,
Sir!

_Insp.-Gen._ (_dryly_). I have heard those phrases before, your Royal
Highness--especially "couldn't be better"--and found subsequently that
things ought to have been better, very much better, Sir.

_Com.-in-Chief_ (_anxiously_). But I assure you, Sir, that this time
we are doing our level best. Why, Sir, fancy, we are going to have
thirty thousand men under arms! Think of that, Sir--thirty thousand
men!

_Insp.-Gen._ About the numbers of a German Brigade, or is it a
Regiment?

_Com.-in-Chief_ (_with a forced laugh_). Come, Sir, I see you are
joking! Yes, thirty thousand men, and some of them are going down
fully equipped. Why, for instance, the Artists will march the
whole way to the scene of the operations with their own regimental
transport! And so will the 1st London Engineers. Think of that, Sir!

_Insp.-Gen._ And how much have you gentlemen here had to do with that,
Sir? Why, the Volunteers would have been left in a state of utter
unpreparedness had not the public taken the initiative. What did the
War Office and the Horse Guards do towards giving them their kit?

_Com.-in-Chief_. Well, it is all right now, Sir. And we are going
to have a splendid time of it. The idea is that a hostile force has
landed at Deal during the early hours of Monday morning, and--

_Insp.-Gen._ (_interrupting_). Yes, I have read all that in the
papers. But come, tell me who is to command?

_Com.-in.-Chief_ (_rather taken aback_). Well, Sir, the customary
crew. I suppose BILLY SEYMOUR.

_Insp. Gen._ (_severely_). I presume, your Royal Highness, that you
refer to General Lord WILLIAM SEYMOUR, who will be in command at
Dover.

_Com.-in-Chief_ (_abashed_). Certainly, Sir. You are a little
particular to-day, Sir.

_Insp. Gen._ (_gravely_). I am always particular--very
particular--when I have to deal with the Volunteers. Well, Sir,
General Lord WILLIAM SEYMOUR, commands at Dover--proceed, Sir; pray
proceed.

_Com.-in-Chief_. Then, Sir, there's General GOODENOUGH at Maidstone,
and General DAWSON-SCOTT at Chatham.

_Insp.-Gen._ Is he a Volunteer?

_Com.-in-Chief_ (_laughing_). Why no, Sir; of course not, Sir. Why
he's in the Royal Engineers. Although in my Crimean days we never
considered Sappers soldiers. We used to say that--

_Insp.-Gen._ (_severely_). No levity, Sir. And pray who else is to be
in command?

_Com.-in-Chief_. Well, Sir, I shall be present myself on Saturday, and
then take the March-past on Monday.

_Insp.-Gen._ Yes; but how about the Volunteers? What about them? Why
don't you let the officers command their own men?

_Com.-in-Chief_. Why, Sir, you see in time of war--

_Insp.-Gen._ (_interrupting_). You would find Volunteer officers as
capable as any others. Your Royal Highness has no doubt studied the
lessons taught by the war between the Northerners and the Southerners
in America?

_Com.-in-Chief_. I have glanced at the subject, Sir, at the Royal
United Service Institute. And may I venture to hope that you are
satisfied, Sir?

_Insp.-Gen._ (_after a pause_). Well, yes, I think you are doing
better. But, in future, give a share of the command to Volunteers _pur
et simple_. And now just jot down what I have further to say to you.

    [_Scene closes in upon the COM.-IN-CHIEF taking notes._

       *       *       *       *       *

CONNECTED WITH THE PRESS.

At a recent meeting of the Institute of Journalists, it was proposed
that future candidates for membership should undergo an examination
to test their qualifications before election. Should the proposal
be adopted, no doubt some such paper as the following will be set
to those desirous of obtaining the right of adding "M.I.J." to their
names.

1. Would you as a Reporter venture to use such expressions as
"devouring element" or "destructive fluid" in sending in "flimsy" to a
London Daily Paper? State when you would consider yourself entitled to
describe yourself "a Special."

2. What are the rights of a Journalist at a free luncheon? If an
Editor finds himself present, should he return thanks for the Press
himself, or leave that duty in the hands of a bumptious Reporter.

3. Write an essay upon the Law of Libel, and say when a paper, (1)
should apologise, (2) fight it out, and, (3) settle it out of Court.

4. Define the difference between a "comment of public importance" and
a "puffing advertisement."

5. What is "log-rolling?" Give examples to illustrate the meaning of
the word.

6. Show, concisely, why the World could not revolve without the
Press, and why the Press would cease to be without your own personal
assistance.

       *       *       *       *       *

UPON JULIA'S COAT.

(AFTER HERRICK.)

[Illustration: LENTEN FASHION.

Sack-Coat, nearest approach to Sackcloth, for Lent.]

  Whenas my JULIA wears a sack,
  That hides the outline of her back,
  I cry, in sore distress, "Alack!"
  She showed a dainty waist when dressed
  In jacket; true, the size confessed
  That whalebone had its shape compressed.
  Still was her form sweet as her face,
  But now what change has taken place!
  This "sack coat" hides all maiden grace.
  Although men's clothes are always vile,
  The coat, the trousers and the "tile"!
  Some sense still lingers in each style.
  But women's garments should be fair,
  All graceful, gay and debonair.
  And if they lack good sense, why care?
  O JULIA, cease to wear a sack,
  A garb all artists should attack,
  In which both sense and beauty lack!

       *       *       *       *       *

DRINKS AND DRAMAS.

    ("HENRY THE EIGHTH is a Soda-water Play."--Mr. Irving's
    Evidence before the Committee.)

Mr. Irving has now completed his list of refreshments suited to
performances. They can be obtained, like Mr. GOSCHEN's reserve of
shillings, "on application," which does not mean gratis.

_Macbeth_.--Very fine old Scotch.

_Hamlet_.--Bitters.

_Romeo and Juliet_.--Rum and Milk.

_Othello_.--Dublin Stout.

_Merchant of Venice_.--Port(1 A.).

_Charles the First_.--Bottled Ale (with a fine head).

_The Cup_.--Tea.

_Faust_.--Ginger Brandy.

_Much Ado About Nothing_.--Benedictine.

_Corsican Brothers_.--Half-and-half.

       *       *       *       *       *

A BERLIN CITIZEN'S DIARY.

(TRANSLATED BY OUR FIRST STANDARD BOARD SCHOLAR.)

    ["It is stated that the soldier who, on Friday last, fired
    at and killed a man who threatened him while on sentry duty
    before the barracks in the Wrangel-strasse, Berlin, has been
    promoted to the rank of corporal, for what is described as his
    correct conduct on the occasion. The passerby, who was wounded
    at the same time, still lies in a precarious condition."--_St.
    James's Gazette_, April 6.]

_April 1._--I go walking near barracks; see man looking quietly at
building. Suddenly fires the sentry with his long distance rifle, so
that the straight onward through the harmless onlooker's heart and
through my never sufficiently to be regretted right arm passing bullet
in the remote distance a child kills. Long live our good Emperor and
his glorious army! Carried home insensible.

_June 1._--At last am I from arm-amputation recovered and walk again
out. The sentry was for his on the first April quite courageous act to
be Sergeant promoted. Here comes a Sergeant! He is it! Look curiously
at him whereupon he me in the leg shoots. Long live our Emperor! Again
carried home.

_Sept. 1._--Again out, in invalid chair, meet same man, now
Lieutenant. I murmur sadly, "Ah, my friend, I gave you a leg-up
indeed!" Then he, saying that I him insulted have, my remaining arm
with his sword off cuts. I respect our Emperor, but I love not his
soldiers now. Must hire an amanuensis.

_January 1._--After my long illness go I once again, Unter den Linden,
in my invalid chair--that is to say, what is left of me. My enemy is
now a Colonel. Shall I him again see? Heaven forbid! Alas, he comes
even now, with those weapons which so rapidly him increase, and me
diminish! I say nothing, but he, seeing me, with his sword my last
limb off cuts. I love not even our Emperor now.

_May 1._--To-day is the Socialists' Day, and I can once more
out-dragged be. I am now a without legs or arms Socialist. My enemy
can be promoted now only by my body. He has become a General and
Count--(_Here the Diary ends abruptly._)

"_Berlin, May 2._--Yesterday an unfortunate Gentleman, without arms or
legs, when passing the Royal Palace in his invalid chair, was attacked
by a distinguished officer, who ran his sword through the heart of
the unoffending civilian. The assassin was immediately promoted, as is
usual in such cases, and is now Field Marshal Prince BLUTUNDRUHM VON
SCHLACHTHAUSEN."--_London Daily Papers._

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: CULTURE.

SCENE--A Private Picture Gallery.

Noble Sportsman (opposite choice example of Canaletto). "I SAY, BY
JOVE, I SEE YOU'VE GOT A PICTURE OF OLYMPIA HERE!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.

EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.

[Illustration: Alpheus Cleophas.]

House of Commons, Monday, April 4.--ALPHEUS CLEOPHAS has adde
a new terror to Parliamentary life. It is bad enough to have him
unexpectedly rising from a customary seat; usually finds a place on
top Bench below Gangway, whence, in days that are no more, NEWDEGATE
used to lament fresh evidences of Papal ascendancy. House grown
accustomed to hearing the familiar voice from this accustomed spot.
To-night, conversation on question of Privilege been going forward for
some time. Seemed about to reach conclusion, when suddenly, far below
the Gangway in Irish quarter, ominous sound broke on startled ear.

[Illustration: Personal Conductor.]

At first all eyes turned to NEWDEGATE's old quarters; but the voice
evidently did not proceed thence. Following the sound, Members came
upon ALPHEUS CLEOPHAS breaking out in a fresh place. Otherwise,
all the same; the flat-toned voice, the imperturbable manner that
awaits cessation of storm of obloquy, and then completes interrupted
sentence; the conviction that somebody (generally the Government)
is acting dishonestly, and needs a watchful eye kept upon him;
the information conveyed that the Eye is now turned on--all were
there, each identified ALPHEUS CLEOPHAS. Up again and again during
preliminary discussion, always shouted at, and ever quietly waiting
till noise has subsided, when he finishes the interrupted sentence,
and begins another.

_Business done._--In Committee on Small Holdings.

_Tuesday._--Happy circumstance in the history of all Administrations
that there is never lacking a friend on their own side to keep them
on the right path. RADCLIFFE COOKE suddenly developed tendency towards
personally conducting the Government. Hitherto appeared as a docile
follower. New state of affairs arose in connection with Breach of
Privilege by Cambrian Railway Directors. HICKS-BEACH last night gave
notice to take into consideration Special Report of Select Committee
charging Directors with Breach of Privilege. BEACH proposed to wait
awhile till "the other side" had got up a case or two, to show that
if Masters were prone to punish their Servants for giving inconvenient
evidence on question of Hours of Labour, the Servants were no better
when they had power to inflict

[Illustration: WANTED, A FIGURE REPRESENTATIVE OF THE LONDON COUNTY
COUNCIL.

SOME OF THE SUGGESTIONS SENT IN TO MR. PUNCH.]

on each other similar punishment. BEACH made his proposal in
matter-of-fact way, anticipating general concurrence. But CHANNING
objected; GEORGE TREVELYAN did not approve the suggestion; while the
SQUIRE OF MALWOOD eagerly seized BEACH's maladroit phrase about "the
other side," and made great play with it. Probably BEACH might have
disregarded this action from Opposition Benches; but different when
RADCLIFFE COOKE rose from Bench immediately behind Ministers, and in
severely judicial manner criticised proposed action of President
of Board of Trade. BEACH said nothing at moment; after some hours'
reflection, announced withdrawal of original proposition and intention
of proceeding with indictment of Cambrian Directors without waiting
for case of "the other side."

To-day he moved that on Thursday the accused should appear at Bar of
House. This on point of being agreed to when COOKE again appeared on
scene; with increased impressiveness of manner argued against BEACH's
proposal. Prince ARTHUR began to look uneasy; no knowing where this
sort of thing would end if it spread. What with SEXTON on one side
correcting grammar of Ministerial Resolutions, and RADCLIFFE COOKE on
the other amending their procedure, it really seemed time to go to the
country. Something like condition of paralysis stealing over Treasury
Bench when SPEAKER came to assistance of Ministers, and benignly but
effectively pointed out to COOKE that he was one too many, was in fact
spoiling the broth. COOKE tried to argue the matter out, but SPEAKER
peremptory and Ministers saved from fresh rebuff.

"It's all very well for them arguing round the subject like that,"
said MACLURE, nervously mopping his forehead. "But it's a very
different thing with me, at my age and fighting weight. An Insurance
Broker, Director of various Railway and other Companies, formerly
Major of the 40th Lancashire Volunteers, a Trustee for three Church
livings, and father of a large family, to be brought up on a Breach
of Privilege is no slight matter. Indignity is aggravated by the
locality. 'The Bar' is the last place in the world where the friends
of JOHN WILLIAM MACLURE would think it likely to find him."

_Business done._--In Committee on Small Holdings.

_Thursday Night._--After all, MACLURE didn't have to stand at the Bar
to-night, so his feelings were saved a peculiarly painful wrench. But
the Chairman of Cambrian Railway held a special meeting at Bar. It was
attended by Mr. BAILEY HAWKINS, and Mr. JOHN CONACHER, Manager of the
Company. The SERGEANT-AT-ARMS also looked in, bringing the Mace with
him.

[Illustration: Turning his Back on his own Resolution.]

"Now if they were _really_ going to have anything at the Bar," said
MACLURE, looking wistfully on, "a drop of mulled port or anything like
that, Mace would come in handy. Suppose ERSKINE would dip it in the
jorum and stir the liquor round."

So MACLURE joked, and so, as JULIUS 'ANNIBAL, naturally well-posted up
in this epoch of history, reminds me, NERO fiddled whilst Rome burned.
Fact is, MACLURE in terrible funk; mental condition shared by his
Chairman, Co-director, and the Manager. The latter, resolved to sell
his life dearly, brought in his umbrella, which gave him a quite
casual hope-I-don't-intrude appearance as he stood at the Bar.

Members at first disposed to regard whole matter as a joke. Cheered
MACLURE when he came in at a half trot; laughed when, the Bar pulled
out, difficulty arose about making both ends meet.

"That's the Chancellor of the Exchequer's duty," said WILFRID LAWSON;
"GOSCHEN ought to go and lend a hand."

Bursts of laughter and buzz of conversation in all parts of the House;
general aspect more like appearance at theatre on Boxing Night when
audience waits for curtain to rise on new pantomime. Only the SPEAKER
grave, even solemn; his voice occasionally rising above merry din with
stern cry of "Order! order!"

"Of course, now they're at the Bar they can order what they please,"
said TANNER. Well the SPEAKER didn't hear him. Later, on eve of final
division, he offered another remark in louder tone. SPEAKER thundered
down upon him like a tornado, and TANNER quiet for rest of sitting.

[Illustration: The Woolwich Infant "goes off."]

HICKS-BEACH's speech gave new and more serious turn to affairs.
Concluded with Motion declaring Directors guilty of Breach of
Privilege and sentencing them to admonition. But speech itself clearly
made out that Directors were blameless; all the bother lying at door
of Railway Servant who had been dismissed. Speech, in short, turned
its back on Resolution. This riled the Radicals; not to be soothed
even by Mr. G. interposing in favourite character as GRAND OLD
PACIFICATOR. Storm raged all night; division after division taken;
finally, long past midnight, Directors again brought up to the
Bar, the worn, almost shrivelled, appearance of CONACHER's umbrella
testifying to the mental suffering undergone during the seven hours
that had passed since last they stood there.

SPEAKER, with awful mien and in terrible tones, "admonished" them; and
so to bed.

_Business done._--Cambrian Directors admonished for Breach of
Privilege.

_Tuesday, April 12._--House adjourns to-day for Easter Holidays;
good many adjourned after Friday's Sitting; some waited to hear JOKIM
bringing in his Budget last night. Few left to-day to wind up the
business. HUGHES, gallant Colonel who represents Woolwich, here a few
minutes ago. But he's gone too. "Sometimes," he said, with a far-away
smile, "they call me 'the Woolwich Infant.' If I am such a very big
gun, perhaps the best thing I can do is to go off."

I follow his example.

_Business done._--Adjourned for Easter Holidays.

       *       *       *       *       *

THE LEGEND OF THE MUTTON BONE.

(BY OUR NEWLY-MARRIED POETESS.)

[Illustration]

  When the world is full of flowers and of butterflies at play,
  I could sit beneath the roses eating chocolates all day;
  But my heart is very heavy as I ponder with dismay
        On the Mutton Bone a-lying in the Larder!

  For GEORGE has squandered sixpence on a telegram from town,
  To say that he has come across "that dear old chappie--BROWNE,"
  And to dine with us this evening he means to bring him down--
        And the Mutton Bone is lying in the Larder!

  I have just been down to see it, and my courage sinks a-new,
  Though Cook has kindly promised me her very best to do--
  Which means that she'll convert into an appetising stew
        The Mutton Bone a-lying in the Larder.

  But I suddenly remember, with a blush of rosy pink,
  That Cook--alas! is given to the frequent use of drink,
  And if she once gets muddled up--perhaps she'll never think
        Of the Mutton Bone a-lying in the Larder!

         *       *       *       *       *

  As the western sun is gilding all the heather of the moor,
  Down the basement stairs I'm creeping--till a widely open door
  Shows me Cook in heavy slumber on her cherished kitchen floor--
        And the Mutton Bone is lying in the Larder!

  O GEORGE, there'll be no dinner, dear, for you and BROWNE to-day!
  I picture to myself the pretty words that you will say--
  And I seize my guinea bonnet--and I wander far away
        From the Mutton Bone a-lying in the Larder!

       *       *       *       *       *

MOTTO FOR A SOAP CO.--"Nothing like Lather."

       *       *       *       *       *

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