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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI

VOL. 101

DECTEMBER 26, 1891







A QUEER CHRISTMAS PARTY.

I remember coming home and dressing to go out again. Of this so far
I am sure. I remember too taking a cab; also the cab taking me. But
oddly enough though I dined that evening with a very old friend,
somehow I cannot for the life of me, at this moment, call to mind his
name or remember where he lives.

[Illustration]

However, the evening was so remarkable that I at once sat down next
day to record all that I could remember of this strange Christmas
Party. Round the table were ROBERT ELSMERE, DORIAN GRAY, Sir ALAN
QUATERMAIN, the MASTER of BALLANTREE, and other distinguished persons,
including Princess NAPRAXINE,--a charming woman, who looked remarkably
well in her white velvet with a knot of old lace at her throat and a
tea-rose in her hair. Mrs. HAWKSBEE, too, looked smart in black satin,
but in my opinion she was cut out by little DAISY MILLER, a sprightly
young lady from America. My host (I wish I could remember his name)
carried his love of celebrities so far, that even his servants were
persons of considerable notoriety. His head butler, a man named
MULVANEY, was an old soldier, who, with the two footmen (formerly his
companions-in-arms) had been known in India by the name of "Soldiers
Three."

"It was so good of you to come, although your husband had Russian
influenza," remarked our host to ANNA KARENINA, who was seated on his
left.

"My dear friend," she replied, "I was only too delighted; for really
my husband cracks his finger-joints so much more lately, and it makes
me so nervous, that I often think, if it were not that Mr. WRONGSKY
sometimes calls on my day at home, I am sure I should be bored to
death!"

"Ah! I know what that is!" said HEDDA GABLER, nodding sympathetically.
"My husband, when he heard I wanted to come to-day, said 'Fancy that!'
and I really felt I could have thrown something at him. They are
so irritating," she added, with a glance at THÉRÈSE RAQUIN who was
sitting very silent at the other end of the table softly caressing a
fruit-knife.

"Ah!" sighed DORIAN GRAY, as he dipped his white taper fingers in a
red copper bowl of rose-water. "I have had an exquisite life. I have
drunk deeply of everything. I have crushed the grapes against my
palate. And it has all been to me no more than the sound of music. It
has not marred me. I am still the same. More so, if anything."

"I think we ought to understand one another, perhaps, Mr. GRAY,"
said ROBERT ELSMERE, with a quick sense of oppression. "I know your
opinions of course from your books. You know what mine as an honest
man must be. My conscience forbids me to discuss anything."

"My dear ELSMERE," returned DORIAN, "don't deceive yourself. Life is
not governed by Will or Intention. Life has been my Art. I have set
myself to music. My days have been my sonnets, and it has not hurt me.
I am as good-looking as ever." And with his cool, flower-like hands,
and his charming boyish smile, he lit a gold-tipped cigarette,
offering one to Princess NAPRAXINE.

She refused it, but produced a cigar-case, embroidered with the arms
of the NAPRAXINES, from which she took a very large cigar.

"I should like to take that fellow out on the river with me," muttered
one of the boating trio to his friends.

"And drown him," said another.

"Or set MONTMORENCY at him," said the third.

These Three Men, who, on their arrival, had been rather bashful, had
become, during the process of demolishing the Christmas pudding with
fire-brandy sauce, to which they helped themselves plentifully, the
most cheerful of all the company. They talked and laughed loudly,
alluded to Mr. ELSMERE as "Old Square-toes"; and made no more disguise
of the evident admiration with which Mrs. HAWKSBEE had inspired them,
than they did of the violent dislike they had conceived for Mr. GRAY.

They were growing less and less able to control their actions, and I
was not sorry when the time arrived for the ladies to retire, which
they did rather earlier than they had intended doing, owing to a
sudden display of ill-temper on the part of DIANA of the Crossways.
They all withdrew, with the exception of the Princess, who, alleging
that it was a Russian custom, remained with us, smoking, and drinking
kümmel out of a Samovar. Immediately upon the departure of the ladies,
ROBERT ELSMERE resumed his argument.

"I have not," he said, in a low tone, "rooted up the most sacred
growths of life as a careless child devastates his garden."

"I have never yet heard of a DURRISDEER who was a turn-coat or a spy,"
remarked the MASTER of BALLANTREE, casually.

"Ah! but that is another story," objected Colonel GADSBY, stroking his
long moustache.

"I can believe anything," said DORIAN GRAY, "as long as it is quite
incredible."

"Oh! Then you'd believe that story old BATT, the fisherman, told us
about the pike at Goring!" said one of the trio, with a contemptuous
laugh.

And here we come to the unfortunate incident which broke up our party.
I shall always blame the Princess for this. If she had gone to the
drawing-room with the other ladies, it would never have happened. It
appears that she considered herself insulted by a remark of DORIAN's,
which I thought innocent enough. I think it was, that "All Art is
quite useless."

Why she should have taken this so personally--whether she thought
he was alluding to her Narcissus-like complexion, or her wealth of
luminous hair--I cannot say. At any rate--though I would not have it
even whispered to poor little JIM, who, being far from well, had been
quite unable to leave his sofa,--I say, at any rate, I, for one, felt
convinced that the Princess had taken quite as much kümmel as was good
for her, otherwise, how could any one, except my old friend ALICE DE
VONDERLAND account for her urging the Three Men, already far gone, to
go still farther, and to "Protect her honour," as she termed it, "by
wiping out the insult offered to the NAPRAXINES!"

The Three Men took the suggestion literally. A wild scene ensued.
Shouting wildly, "We'll spoil your beauty for you!" one tore the
flower out of DORIAN's coat, another threw the red copper bowl
of rose-water at his head, a third, with the uncommonly vulgar
exclamation, "Art be blowed! we'll show you some science!" struck the
unfortunate man a violent blow on the nose with his clenched fist.

How the scene might have ended but for the sudden intervention of
MULVANEY and his companions, I cannot say. In the strangest dialect,
and with the most uncouth oaths, they literally "went for" the Three
Boating Men. The aquatic champions were completely demolished by the
Soldiers Three.

In the words of the butler, "Their shirt-fronts were crumpled 'orrid."
The three youths, in a pitiable state, left the house with the
Princess, and went off all together in a droschki, the driver of which
wore a badge on which was inscribed, "JOSEF HATTONSKI. By Order of the
CZAR." DORIAN had already escaped, bearing on his handsome countenance
the impress of fists and the stains of flattened mince-pies.

For my own part ... I don't know how I managed to get away. I suppose
I must have been rendered insensible by a candlestick which was thrown
at me. At all events, I found myself on the floor, having tumbled out
of bed ... But how I had ever got to bed I do not remember. It may
be I shall never discover the truth of it all. Stay!--had I been
hypnotised? If so, when, where, and by whom?

       *       *       *       *       *

AN ANTI-HISS-TRIONIC BIRD.

A "PAR" in the _Daily News_ last Thursday told how the Antipodæans had
presented Miss NELLIE FARREN with "a Laughing Jackass." What a time
he'll have of it! Always in fits, and perhaps the merry bird will at
last "die o' laughin'"! For it is a biped and not a quadruped; not
that as a biped "the Laughing Jackass" is by any means a _lusus
naturæ_. This bird, not probably unfamiliar with the "'Oof Bird" of
sporting circles, is, it is said, "a foe to snakes." Excellent omen
this for Miss FARREN. Laughter everywhere, and no hissing permitted.
If hissing heard anywhere, up starts the Laughing Jackass and down
he comes on the snake, and there's an end of the hissing. Theatrical
Managers would do well to cultivate the Laughing Jackasses, and keep a
supply always on the premises.

       *       *       *       *       *

'ARRY ON ARRIUS.

_WITH SOME CONSIDERATION CONCERNING COMPULSORY CLASSICS._

[Illustration]

  DEAR CHARLIE,--O, _ain't I_ a daisy? Excuse your old pal busting forth;
  But my name's going hup like a rocket; it's spreading east, west, south,
      and north.
  Like that darned hinfluenza, but more so; and now, s'elp me scissors, I
      find
  I was famous _afore I was born_! Sounds a licker, but 'anged if _I_
      mind.[1]

  DAN the Dosser, a reglar Old Clo' at dead langwidges, classicks, and such,
  Says it's _met'em-see-kosis_--a thing as to me, mate, is jest Double Dutch,
  Means a soul on the shift, as it were, CHARLIE, tryin' fust this form,
      then that,
  So that 'ARRY, who once was a donkey, might some o' these days be a rat!

  Leastways so the Dosser explains it, of course it is all Tommy rot.
  Rummy thing 'ow a cram o' the Classicks do make yer a reglar crackpot.
  Dosser hain't no more genuine savvy, he hain't, than a 'aporth o' snuff;
  But he's up to the lips-like in Latin, and similar old-fashioned stuff.

  Seems some old Latin cove called CAT ULLUS--a gayish old dog _I_ should
      say
  Knew a party called ARRIUS!--bless 'im!--as lived in that rum Roman day,
  And CAT ULLUS he hups and he scribbles a "carmen"--wich then meant a song,
  _Not_ a hopera, CHARLIE--about him along of some haitches gone wrong.

  Like CAT ULLUS's cheek, if you arsk me! That haitch bizness gives me the
      'ump.
  There isn't a hignerent mug, or a mealy-mouthed mutton-faced pump
  Who 'as learned 'ow to garsp hout a He-haw! in regular la-di-dah style,
  But'll look down on "'ARRY the haitchless," and wrinkle his snout in a
      smile.

  Yah! Haitches ain't heverythink, CHARLIE, no, not by a jugfull they hain't.
  And yer "_H_-heah! _H_-hold my _H-h-horse_!" sort o' sniffers would screw
      hout big D.'s from a saint.
  What's the hodds, arter all? If you're fly to the true hend of Life, wich
      is larks,
  You may pop in yer haitches permiskus, in spite of the prigs' rude remarks.

  The old Roman geeser, CAT ULLUS, who wrote that _de Arrio_ bosh,
  Wos a poet, of course, and a classick, two things as to-day will not wash;
  Bet yer boots Master ARRIUS 'ad 'im on toast, the old mug, every time,
  And that's why he took his revenge like, in verse without reason _or_
      rhyme.

  Young ARRIUS's huncle, he tells us, talked similar patter. No doubt!
  _Havunculus hejus_, I reckon, knew wot he was dashed well about.
  I say bully for LIBER, and chance it. 'Tain't whether you say Hill or
      'Ill,
  It's whether you're able to _climb_ it; and that's where the prigs git
      their pill.

  There's a party who, in the _St. James's Gazette_, dear old pal, 'tother
      day,
  Took _my_ name, not pertikler in vain, though, and called hisself "'ARRY
      B.A."
  Wrote smart, he did, CHARLIE, and slick-like, but "'ARRY B.A." isn't Me!
  No fear! 'ARRY's not sech an A double S as to want a "Degree."

  I know wot's wuth knowin', I reckon, and wot I don't know I can learn,
  Without mortar-board 'ats and black bedgowns, or stuffing my brains till
      they turn.
  To be well _in_ the know is my maxum, but as for "Compulsory Greek,"
  Would it give me, I wonder, a hextry "compulsory" two quid a week?

  Wy, I knew an old 'atchet-faced party, as lodged in our 'ouse years ago,
  _Oozed_ Greek as a plum-tree does gum-blobs; trarnslated for BUFFINS & Co.,
  The popular publishers, CHARLIE. I know 'twas a dooce of a grind
  For poor MAGSWORTH to earn fifteen quid, and at last he went hout of 'is
      mind.

  Yus, died of a softening, they told us, through sitting up six months on
      end
  At a book of Greek plays. Poor old buffer, he hadn't five pounds nor a
      friend;
  But Degrees? He fair rolled in 'em, CHARLIE! He offered to teach me a lot,
  But one lesson in Greek settled me; it's the crackjorest speshus of rot!

  ARRY STUFFY KNEES sounds pooty ropy; he's one of their classickal pets;
  Old THOOSY DIDES, too, he's another. In high Huniwarsity sets
  They chuck 'em in chunks at each other, like mossels of Music 'All gag,
  And at forty they've clean slap forgot 'em! _I_ want to know where comes
      the swag?

  Hedgercation is all very proper, purviding it gives yer the pull
  Hover parties as don't know the ropes, in a market that's mostly too full;
  But this Classick kerriculum's kibosh, Greek plays, Latin verse and all
      that.
  All CAT ULLUS's haitches won't 'elp yer, if Nature 'as built yer a flat!

  Though ARRIUS's haspirates rucked, and made Mister CAT ULLUS chi-ike,
  He was probably jest such a rattler as poets and prigs _never_ like,
  When a chap knows 'is book, piles the ochre, perhaps becomes pal to a
      Prince,
  Lor! it's wonderful 'ow a dropped haitch or two _do_ make the
      mealy-mouths wince.

  Wot's a haitch but a garsp, arter all? Yer swell haspirate's only a
      breath,
  Yet, like eating green peas with a knife, it scumfoodles the sniffers to
      death,
  As a fack the knife's 'andiest, fur, and there's many a haitch-screwing
      toff
  Who would find patter easier biz if the motter was "haspirates is hoff!"

  _The_ 'Igher Hedgercation means "savvy"; you size up the world, patter
      slang,
  Hit slick, give what for, and Compulsory Latin and Greek may go 'ang.
  That's "modernity," CHARLIE! Style, modesty, taste? Oh, go 'ome and eat
      coke!
  Old STUFFY KNEES wouldn't 'ave tumbled, you bet, to a Music 'All joke.

  "Jest fancy a gentleman not knowing Greek!" So a josser named FROUDE
  Said some time ago. Oh Gewillikens! Must ha' bin dotty or screwed.
  A modern School Master could hopen his hoptics a mossel, you bet;
  Greek's corpsed, and them graduate woters will flock to its funeral yet.

  "We're going to plant it to-morrer!" That comic song 'its it at once.
  "Attic lore" will be blowed attic-high; and the duffers who dub you a
      dunce
  'Cos yer 'OMER, or haitches, is quisby, in Rome or in London, will know
  That ARRIUS--or 'ARRY--romps in while CAT ULLUS is stopping to blow.

  As to ARRIUS, I wish I'd 'ave knowed 'im, no doubt we'd 'ave palled up
      to-rights,
  And 'ave chivied CAT ULLUS together, like one o' them broken-nosed frights
  Saps call elassick busts; stone Aunt Sallies fit only for cockshies, dear
      boy,
  Wich to chip out my name on their cheeks is a barney I always enjoy.

  Your Cockney eternal? No doubt! And a jolly good job, _I_ should say;
  It's much more than yer conkey old Classicks, for they 'ave about 'ad
      _their_ day.
  You may stuff college ganders with all the compulsory cram as they'll
      carry,
  And _then_ it's yer fly bird as scores off 'em, whether that's ARRIUS or

'ARRY.

[Footnote 1: See article, "'Arry in Rome and London," in last Number
of _Punch_.]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: DRAWING THE LINE.

_Judge_. "REMOVE THOSE BARRISTERS. THEY'RE DRAWING!"

_Chorus of Juniors_. "MAY IT PLEASE YOUR LUDSHIP, WE'RE ONLY
DRAWING--PLEADINGS."

    ("Mr. Justice DENMAN said that he saw a thing going on in
    Court that he could not sanction. He saw Gentlemen of the Bar
    making pictures of the witness. Let it be understood that
    he would turn out any Gentleman of the Bar who did so in
    future."--_Daily Paper, Thursday, December 17._)]

       *       *       *       *       *

A DIPLOMATIC ON DIT.

  Where LYTTON lately ruled supreme,
    A Marquis will direct affairs.
  Congratulations, then, to him
    And to ourselves in equal shares.
  But stranger paradox than this
    Most surely there has never been,--
  We send a most distinguished man,
    Yet only put a _Duffer in_!

       *       *       *       *       *

THE BISHOP AND THE SEA-SERPENT.

    ["The Bishop of Adelaide, in writing to a colonial friend,
    states that while riding along the sea-beach he came across
    a dead sea-serpent, about 60 feet in length.... The Bishop
    describes his 'find' as the most peculiar animal he has ever
    seen."--_Daily Paper_.]

  The Bishop saw the Serpent
    A lying very near--
  "Now, in the name of truth," says he,
    "We'll have no lying here."
  It was the Great Sea-Serpent,
    Stretched out upon the shore--
  It measured--well, no matter what,
    It was all that, and more.

  "He's dead! the Great Sea-Serpent!"
    The Bishop cried, with glee,
  "And now there is no Serpent
    Within my present See."
  'Tis scotched, not killed; for, sure as fate,
    We'll fifty bet to five,
  That, when the Season's dead, The Great
    Sea-Serpent will revive.

       *       *       *       *       *

HIS GREATEST PLEASURE.

    ["My greatest pleasure will be to think of you, Mr.
    ROGERS."--_Grossly unfair extract from the Newspaper Report of
    Mr. Goschen's Speech on Girls' Education._]

  In gilded halls some take their ease,
    In song and dance they find delight;
  And there are those whom banquets please,
    And masques and revelry by night.
  Such gauds are wearisome to me;
    And wilder lures of dice or drink
  Attract me not; my maddest glee
    Is to sit still and think.

  I think and think; the world grows less,
    And Budgets seem but worthless toys;
  For I am lost in happiness,
    In my ecstatic joy of joys.
  Ah, Mr. ROGERS, blessed name,
    Let me think on till all is blue,
  For pow'r is naught, nor wealth, nor fame,
    Compared with thoughts of you.

       *       *       *       *       *

THE TRAVELLING COMPANIONS.

NO. XX.

    SCENE--_The interior of a covered gondola, which is conveying
    CULCHARD and PODBURY from the Railway Station to the Hotel
    Dandolo, Venice. The gondola is gliding with a gentle sidelong
    heave under shadowy bridges of stone and cast-iron, round
    sharp corners, and past mysterious blank walls, and old
    scroll-work gateways, which look ghostly in the moonlight_.

_Culch._ (_looking out of the felze window, and quoting
conscientiously_).

  "I saw from out the wave her structures rise,
  As from the stroke of the enchanter's wand.";

_Podb._ For rest, see guide-books, _passim_, eh? Hanged if _I_ can
see; any structures with this thing on, though! Let's have it off,
eh? (_He crawls out and addresses Gondolier across the top._) _Hi!
Otez-moi ceci, entendez-vous?_ (_Drums on roof of felze with fists;
the Gondolier replies in a torrent of Italian._) Now a London cabby
would see what I wanted at once. This chap's a fool!

[Illustration: "Hi! Otez-moi ceci!"]

_Culch._ He probably imagines you are merely expressing your
satisfaction with Venice. And I don't see how you expect him to remove
the entire cabin here! (_PODBURY crawls in again, knocking his head._)
I think we did well to let the--the others travel on first. More
_dignified_, you know!

_Podb._ Um--don't see any particular dignity in missing the train,
myself!

_Culch._ They won't know it was not intentional. And I think, PODBURY,
we should go on--er--asserting ourselves a little while by holding
rather aloof. It will show them that we don't mean to put up with--

_Podb._ Don't see that either. Not going to let that beast, VAN
BOODELER have it _all_ his own way!

_Culch._ Surely you know he decided suddenly to stay at Vicenza?
He said so at breakfast. But I will _not_ have your friend BOB
perpetually--

_Podb._ At breakfast? Oh, I came down late. Vicenza, eh? Then _he_'s
out of it! Hooray! But as for BOB, _he_'s all right too. Oh, I forgot
you cut _déjeuner_. HYPATIA had another squabble with Miss TROTTER,
and poor old BOB got dragged into it as usual, and now they ain't on
speaking terms.

_Culch._ (_overjoyed_). You don't say so! Then all _I_ can say,
PODBURY, is that if we two can't manage, in a place like this, to
recover all the ground we have lost--

_Podb._ More water than ground in a place like this, eh? But _I_ know
what you mean--we _must_ be duffers if we don't leave Venice engaged
men--which we're not as yet, worse luck!

_Culch._ No--but we _shall_ be, if we only insist upon being treated
seriously.

_Podb._ She treats me a devilish deal _too_ seriously, my boy. But
there, never mind--things will go better now!

    SCENE--_A double-bedded room in the Grand Hotel, Dandolo,
    which PODBURY and CULCHARD have to share for the night._

_Podb._ (_from his bed, suspiciously, to CULCHARD, who is setting
fire to a small pastille in a soap-dish_). I say, old chappie, bar
_fireworks_, you know! What the deuce _are_ you up to over there?

_Culch._ Lighting a "fidibus." Splendid thing to drive out mosquitoes.
(_The pastille fizzes, and begins to emit a dense white smoke, and a
suffocating odour._)

_Podb._ (_bounding_). Mosquitoes! It would drive a _dragon_ out.
Phew--ah! (_CULCHARD closes the window._) You _don't_ mean to say
you're going to shut me up in this infernal reek on a stifling night
like this?

_Culch._ If I didn't, the mosquitoes would come in again.

_Podb._ Come in? With that pastille doing the young Vesuvius! _Do_ you
think a mosquito's a born fool? (_He jumps out and opens the window._)
I'm not going to be smoked like a wasps' nest, _I_ can tell you!

_Culch._ (_calmly shutting it again, as PODBURY returns to bed_).
You'll be grateful to me by-and-by.

    [_Slips between his mosquito-curtains in a gingerly manner,
    and switches off the electric light. A silence._

_Podb._ I say, you ain't asleep, are you? Think we shall see anything
of them to-morrow, eh?

_Culch._ See? I can _hear_ one singing in my ear at this moment.
(_Irritably._) You _would_ open the window!

_Podb._ (_sleepily_). Not mosquitoes. I meant HYPATIA, and
the--haw--yaw--TROTTERS.

_Culch._ How can _I_ tell? (_Second silence._) PODBURY! What did
I _tell_ you? One's just bitten me--the _beast_! (_He turns on the
light, and slaps about frantically_). I say, I can hear him buzzing
all over the place!

_Podb._ So can I hear _you_ buzzing. How the dickens is a fellow to
get to sleep while you're playing Punch and Judy in there?

_Culch._ He's got me on the nose now! There's a lot outside. Just turn
off the light, will you? I daren't put my arm out. (_To_ Mosquito.)
You brute! (_To_ Podb.) PODBURY, _do_ switch off the light--like a
good fellow!

_Podb._ (_dreamily_). Glass up, Gondolier ... stifling in this cab ...
drive me ... nearest Doge. [_He snores._

_Culch._ Brutal selfishness! (_Turns out the light himself._) Now if I
can only get off to sleep while that little beast is quiet--

_Mosquito_ (_ironically, in his ear_). Ping-a-wing-wing!

    _Same Scene; the next morning._

_Culch._ (_drawing PODBURY's curtains_). Here, wake up,
PODBURY--it's just eight. (_PODBURY sits up, and rubs his eyes._) I've
had a _horrible_ night, my dear fellow! I'm stung to such an extent!
But (_hopefully_) I suppose there's nothing to _show_ particularly,
eh? [_Presenting his countenance for inspection._

_Podb._ Not much of your original features, old fellow! (_He roars
with laughter._) You've got a pair of cheeks like a raised map!

_Culch._ It--it's going _down_. Nothing to what it _was_, half an hour
ago!

_Podb._ Then I'm jolly glad you didn't call me earlier, that's all!

_Culch._ It does feel a little inflamed. I wonder if I could get a
little--er--violet powder, or something--?

_Podb._ (_with a painful want of sympathy_). Violet powder! Buy a blue
veil--a good thick one!

_Culch._ What sort of impression _do_ you suppose I should get of
Venice with a blue veil on?

_Podb._ Can't say--but a pleasanter one than Venice will get of you
_without_ it. You don't mean to face the fair Miss TROTTER while
you're like _that_, do you?

_Culch._ (_with dignity_). Most certainly I _do_. I am much mistaken
in Miss TROTTER if she will attach the slightest importance to a mere
temporary--er--disfigurement. These swellings never do last long. _Do_
they now?

_Podb._ Oh, not more than a month or so, I daresay, if you can keep
from touching them. (_He laughs again._) Excuse me, old chap, but I
just got you in a new light. Those mosquitoes have paid you out for
that pastille--by Jove, they have!

    _Landing-steps entrance of the Hotel. Nine A.M._

_Culch._ (_coming out a little self-consciously, and finding Mr.
TROTTER_). Ah, good morning! What are your--er--impressions of Venice,
Mr. TROTTER?

_Mr. Trotter_ (_thoughtfully_). Well, I'm considerable struck with
it, Sir. There's a purrfect freshness and novelty about Vernis that's
amusing to a stranger like myself. We've nothing just like this city
out West. No, _Sir_. And how are--(_Becomes aware of CULCHARD's
appearance._) Say, _you_ don't look like your slumbers had been one
unbroken ca'm, either! The mosquitoes hev been powerful active makin'
alterations in you. Perseverin' and industrious insects, Sir! Me and
my darter have been for a loaf round before breakfast. I dunno if
you've seen _her_ yet, she's--.

_Miss T._ (_coming out from behind_). Poppa, they've fixed up our
breakf--(_Sees CULCHARD, and turns away, covering her face_). Don't
you turn your head in _this_ direction, Mr. CULCHARD, or I guess I'll
expire right away!

_Culch._ (_obeying, wounded_). I confess I did _not_ think a few
mosquito-bites would have quite such an effect upon you!

_Miss T._ You're vurry polite, I'm sure! But I possess a hand-mirror;
and, if you cann't bear to look me in the face, you'd better keep
away!

_Culch._ (_takes a hasty glance, and discovers, with a shock, that she
is almost as much disfigured as himself_). Oh, I--I wasn't--(_With an
effort of politeness._) Er--I hope _you_ haven't been inconvenienced
at all?

_Miss T._ Inconvenienced! With haff-a-dozen healthy mosquitoes
springing a surprise party on me all night! I should guess _so_.
(_Noticing C.'s face._) But what in the land have _you_ been about?
Well, if that isn't real _tact_ now! I reckoned I'd been dealt a full
hand in spots; but now I've seen you, I guess there's a straight flush
against me, and I can just throw up. But you don't play Poker, _do_
you? Come along in, Poppa, do. [_She goes in with Mr. T._

_Culch._ (_alone, disenchanted_). I could _not_ have believed any
amount of bites could have made such a terrible difference in her.
She looks positively _plain_! I do trust they're not _permanent_, or
really--! [_He gazes meditatively down on the lapping water._

       *       *       *       *       *

"WILLIAMS ON WHEELS."

    [At Bridgend County Court, on the 16th inst., Judge
    WILLIAMS had to hear an action in which 50l. was claimed
    as compensation for damages caused by careless driving. The
    evidence of one important witness having still to be heard
    when the hour arrived for the Judge to leave by train, his
    Honour, with the legal advocates and the remaining witnesses,
    travelled together to Llantrissant, the witness giving his
    evidence _en route_. On reaching Llantrissant, Judge WILLIAMS
    gave his decision in the station-master's office, finding for
    the plaintiff.--_Daily Paper_.]

    SCENE--_Interior of a Saloon Carriage, shortly after the
    innovation started by Judge WILLIAMS, has come into general
    favour. Judge seated on portmanteau at one end. Parties
    to suit glare at each other from opposite sides. Usher,
    Witnesses, Counsel, &c.

_Judge._ Usher, that is the third time the engine-driver has blown his
whistle! Tell him that on the very next occasion I shall send him to
prison for contempt of court.

_Usher._ Yes, m'lud. [_Exit Usher._

_Facetious Counsel._ The noise is so deafening, we might even call it
a "part-heard case." [_Laughter._

_Judge._ Well, let's get on. (_To Witness._) You say you actually saw
the prisoner mix the arsenic with the Madeira?

_Witness._ I did, m'lud.

_Judge._ Well, Gentlemen of the Jury, perhaps we had better, as a
matter of form, have the prisoner before us. By the bye, where _is_
the prisoner?

_Usher_ (_returning_). I believe he's in the dog-box, m'lud. They had
to put him there, he was so refractory in the guard's van.

_Judge._ That shows the advantages of this new way of going Circuit. A
dog-box is just the sort of receptacle for a person accused of murder
in the first class--I mean in the first degree. When do we get to
Blankchester Junction?

_Foreman._ In a quarter of an hour, m'lud, by my time-tables. And I
should like to say that most of the Jury wish to get out there--they
feel the oscillations of this carriage so much. If your Lordship would
sum up now--

_Judge_ (_with alacrity_). Quite so. Blankchester is a convenient
place for _me_ to alight, I think.

    [_Sums up lucidly in about five minutes, and Jury at once
    brings in verdict of Guilty of Manslaughter._

_Judge_ (_surprised_). Manslaughter, Gentlemen! Perhaps, after all, I
was wrong in not summing up in the Booking-Office. It would have given
time for more consideration. [_Awful collision occurs._

_Judge_ (_at bottom of an embankment_). Usher, Usher! I haven't
pronounced sentence yet! Bring the prisoner before me!

_Usher_ (_wounded_). Beg your Lordship's pardon--prisoner's escaped!

_Judge._ Escaped? Well, I can sentence him in his absence quite as
well. Oh, dear, my back _is_ bad! Those law-books came down on the top
of me, I believe. The sentence of the Court is that the prisoner be
imprisoned, when found, for three years.

_Facetious Counsel_ (_turning up from a heap of wreckage_). As a
_First Class_ misdemeanant, of course?

_Judge_ (_catching the spirit of the joke_). First Class! No--Third
Class, for Portland! [_Left on Circuit._

       *       *       *       *       *

ONLY FANCY!

Members of the House of Commons have read with a thrill of interest
Lord HENRY BRUCE's letter to his constituents, announcing his
intention not to offer himself for re-election in North West Wilts.
Full five years Lord HENRY has sat in the House. He has rarely joined
in debate, but the manner of his occasional interposition was always
notable. He slowly rose, placed one hand in his trousers' pocket,
looked round the House and said nothing. Then, when the SPEAKER
was about to call on someone else, Lord HENNY blurted forth a few
sentences, the end generally coming first, and having apparently said
about half what he meant to say, abruptly sat down. But the House,
with keen instinct, always recognised the heaven-born orator, and knew
his time would come. It has come with the opportunity of writing this
letter, which is full of beautiful things. "I deprecated," says
Lord HENRY, reviewing his distinguished Parliamentary career, "the
surrendering of an ancient dependency like Heligoland, and which
has since been strongly fortified, to satiate a shadowy claim of the
GERMAN EMPEROR to the Island of Zanzibar." To satiate a shadowy claim
is good. Space forbids quotation of more than one additional sentence
from this masterpiece. "Let me conclude by saying, that I trust
whoever may succeed me in North-West Wilts will wear ELIJAH's mantle
with the same pleasure as I have already done." What that means no man
can say.

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: The Editor of the "Welsh Review."]

We are glad to learn that Lord HENRY BRUCE's retirement from
Parliamentary life does not imply absolute withdrawal from public
affairs. Since the appearance of his letter, there has been a rush
upon him by able Editors and Magazines. He has undertaken to write
to the _Twentieth Century_ an Article on "Recent Ministerial
Appointments." Mr. BOWEN ROWLANDS, M.P., Q.C., has also been in
communication with him. "The very man for the _Welsh Review_," says
the enthusiastic Editor.

       *       *       *       *       *

We learn from a reliable source that LORD HENRY BRUCE has intimated to
Mr. AKERS-DOUGLAS that, in the event of his being selected to Move or
Second the Address at the opening of the New Session, he will appear
in Elijah's mantle. It is to be hoped Lord SALISBURY, offended, as he
is understood to be, at Lord HENRY's frank criticism, will not ignore
this proposal. The House of Commons will be much gratified to find
itself relieved from the monotony of the uniform--alternately Militia
Colonel and Post-Captain--which mars the success of an interesting
ceremonial.

       *       *       *       *       *

The heading, "The Royal Engagement," which appears daily in two of the
morning papers does, not, as appears at first sight, indicate warlike
preparations in Royal circles. The allusion meant is to the Royal
Betrothal.

       *       *       *       *       *

NAME WANTED.--There are a considerable number of Ladies' Clubs, where
matrons and spinsters can commingle. Now 'tis proposed to start a
Spinsters' Club, only Spinsters eligible. What shall it be called?
Spinning is associated with Spinster, but recent events at Cambridge
make the use of the word somewhat objectionable. How would "The
Arachne" do? Or as Omphale assumed the attire of Hercules, and tried
to wield the club, why not call one of these the Omphale?

       *       *       *       *       *

OLD SONG, ADAPTED TO THE OCCASION (_by one who wasn't asked to the
Marquis of Salisbury's party_).--"_I dreamt that I supp'd in Marble
Halls_," &c., &c.

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: IN CONFIDENCE.

"MUMMY DEAR, WHO'S PAPPA'S MOTHER-IN-LAW?" "MY MOTHER, DEAR,--YOUR
GRANDMAMMA."

"Oh--(_Considering._)--DO YOU THINK GRANDMAMMA WOULD TAKE A PRIZE AT
THE CAT SHOW?"

"ETHEL, DEAR! WHAT _DO_ YOU MEAN?" "WELL, MUMMY DEAR, I HEARD PAPPA
SAY THAT, IN THE WHOLE COURSE OF HIS LIFE HE HAD NEVER COME ACROSS
'SUCH AN OLD TABBY AS HIS MOTHER-IN-LAW'!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

AWAKENING FATHER CHRISTMAS

OR, THE CALL TO ALMS.

_A TOPSY-TURVEY VERSION OF THE TENNYSONIAN DAY-DREAM._

  THE SLEEPING BEAUTY.

  All through the year, towards his feet,
    He slumbering in his place alone,
  Waiting December days to greet
    The "Beauty's" snowy beard has grown;
  Whilst all about his bulky form
    Fir-hedge and holly sprout and twirl.
  Sleeping he snoreth, snug and warm,
    His breath scarce stirs his beard's crisp curl.

  He sleeps: the jolly, brave Old Bird,
    Ruddy of phiz as warm of heart,
  Who, when he's annually stirred,
    Is always good, and game to "part."
  He sleeps: all round his cosy cell
    His long-stored gifts are waiting use;
  And--till awaked--he there doth dwell,
    A cosy form in cosy snooze.

  THE ARRIVAL.

  All precious things, discovered late,
    To those who seek them turn up trumps.
  Charity works with kindly fate,
    The heart in her soft bosom thumps.
  She travels under winter skies--
    She stayeth not for storm or shocks--
  Celestial Grace with tender eyes,
    And loving lips, and golden locks.

  She comes, well-knowing what she seeks;
    She breaks the hedge, she enters there:
  Love's flush illumes her maiden cheeks;
    She hears Yule's chimes upon the air:
  She holds aloft that mystic stalk,
    With white globes decked, to lovers dear;
  "Now, Father Christmas, wake and walk!"
    She whispers in the "Beauty's" ear.

  THE AWAKENING.

  A touch, a kiss! the charm was snapt.
    There came a noise of striking clocks.
  Twelve strokes! Aroused from slumber rapt,
    The "Beauty" shook his silvery locks.
  "What you again? My yearly call!
    By Jove, how soundly I have slept!"
  Then, with a laugh that shook the wall,
    Unto his feet Old Christmas leapt.

  "What! Twelve! 'Tis time that I awoke,
    And to the waiting world appeared."
  He yawned, and cracked his annual joke,
    And ran his fingers through his beard.
  "How say you? Is it slop or snow?"
    She answered, "Come along, old chap!
  We've much to do and far to go,
    Ere you resume your annual nap."

  THE DEPARTURE.

  And on the Old Sire's arm she leant,
    And round her waist his arm did fold;
  And forth into the world they went,
    To glad the grieved, to warm the cold.
  Across the town, and far away,
    Of kindness full, and frolic whim,
  To cheer all hearts went Christmas Day,
    That white-wing'd Presence following him.

  Near Nineteen Hundred times hath she,
    The gentle goddess, free and fair,
  Awaked with kiss Old Father C.
    To make the wintry world their care.
  O'er town, o'er country far away,
    Where'er hearts ache, or eyes grow dim,
  His annual round makes Christmas Day,
    Sweet Charity attending him.

[Illustration: THE AWAKENING OF FATHER CHRISTMAS

OR, A CALL TO ALMS.]

  MORAL.--So, British Public, take my lay,
    And _if_ you find no moral there,
  Then _Mr. Punch_ must sadly say
    His ministry is fruitless care.
  Nay! To good uses you will put
    The Legend _Punch_ doth thus transpose.
  Your pockets sure you will not shut,
    Your hearts to his appealings close!

  For e'en the man who runs may read
    The lesson with this lay entwined.
  (If Topsey-turvey thus succeed,
    The noble Laureate will not mind!)
  And liberal applications lie
    In this quaint Legend, good my friend.
  So, put the song and picture by,
    And hook it--to some useful end!

       *       *       *       *       *

CARMEN CULINARIUM.

[Illustration: Cook Personally Conducting.]

  If you're anxious to eat without any repining,
  Read THEODORE CHILD upon "Delicate Dining."
  This sage gastronomic full soothly doth say,
  That no mortal can dine more than once in the day;
  Then he quotes LOUIS QUINZE, that the art of the cook
  Must be learnt most from practice, and not from a book;
  While you also will find in the readable proem,
  Doctor KING said a dinner resembled a poem.

  We shall next see a cook can have only the dimmest
  Of notions of art, if he isn't a chemist.
  So we learn here the names and the separate uses
  Of muscular fibre, albumen and juices.
  We are shown the right methods of roasting and boiling,
  Of frying and stewing, decocting and broiling;
  While our author in words there can be no mistaking,
  Is dead against "roasting" in ovens--or baking.

  Our asparagus then we are heedfully told,
  [Greek: Iostephanos] should be like Athens of old:
  With a violet head and a stalk very white
  While this CHILD thinks that tepid it yields most delight.
  On the artichoke too with affection he lingers,
  And also advises you eat with your fingers,
  _Petits pois à la Française_ are here, the receipt
  That he gives is a good one but haply too sweet.

  Our author is great upon salads and sauces,
  To cool our hot palates, or tittivate _fauces_;
  Here is all you need learn about GOUFFÉ'S  _Béarnaise_,
  And a charming receipt for the _Sauce Hollandaise_.
  In England we know that in sauces we're weak,
  And we've never attained to the _cuisine classique_;
  But French Seigneurs of old gave full rein to their wishes,
  And live on immortal in delicate dishes.

  We are told how to give and receive invitations,
  And eke how a table may need decorations.
  We agree with the author who says when you dine,
  It is very much better to stick to one wine,
  Be it ruddy Bordeaux or the driest Champagne,
  Let the latter be cool but your ice is no gain.
  While on coffee and tea he is sound as a bell,
  With all dexterous dodges for making them well.

  No man ever escaped--to a cook who did wrong,
  For his art ranks so high, said MENANDER's old song.
  And the ancients we know loved both oysters and pullets,
  When the [Greek: oinos kekramenos] slipped down their gullets.
  While here is a man to have joined them when roses,
  In classical fashion, were cocked o'er their noses.
  So we'll take leave of CHILD and his capital book,
  With a "Bon appetit" to the _gourmet_ and cook.

       *       *       *       *       *

A CHRISTMAS CAROL.--(BY A DISAPPOINTED CHURCH-DECORATOR.)

[Illustration]

  When rustic woman stoops to folly,
    And finds too late that Curates flirt;
  It pains, ah! sharper than the holly
    Whose spikes her pretty fingers hurt.

  Pleasant is pulpit-decoration,
    And altar-ornamenting's sweet,
  When girls get lost in contemplation
    Of parson-whiskers, trim and neat.

  Most pleasant too the cheery chatter
    Of woodland parties, in the snow,
  When gathering--well, well, no matter!
    No more _I_'ll hunt for mistletoe.

  No more I'll stand and hold the ladder
    For reverend gentlemen to mount.
  Ah me! Few memories make me madder,
    Though merrier ones I may not count.

  Goose! How about those steps I'd linger!
    Muff! How I bound my handkerchief
  Last Christmas Eve, about his finger,
    Pierced by that cruel holly-leaf!

  And now he's going to marry MINNIE,
    The wealthy farmer's freckled frump,
  A little narrow-chested ninny!
    Into Pound's pond I'll go and jump!

  Yet no, Miss MIGGS and he might chuckle,
    I know a trick worth two of that;
  I'll up and take that fool, BOB BUCKLE,
    I hate him, but his farm is fat.

  When rustic woman stoops to folly,
    And finds e'en Curates can betray,
  What act can aggravate the "dolly"
    Whose wealth has won his heart away?

  The only art her grief to cover,
    Enable her to lift her head,
  And show her false white-chokered lover
    _She_ won't sing "_Willow_," is--to wed!

       *       *       *       *       *

OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.

There is one line in our Mr. DU MAURIER's fascinating and fantastic
novel, _Peter Ibbetson_, which every author should frame and hang up
before his eyes in his study. 'Tis this, and 'tis to be found at page
217, Vol. ii.:--

    "Write anyhow! Write for the greatest need and the greatest
    number."

"This is business," quoth the Baron, "and _Peter_ who passed so much
of his life asleep seems, when not dreaming, to be uncommonly wide
awake."

A dainty book indeed for a Christmas present is _The Vision of Sir
Launfal_, by JAMES RUSSELL LOWELL, published by GAY AND BIRD--lively
names these--but ought to have been GAY AND LARK. There is an
interesting portrait of the Author as he was in 1842.

"My 'CO.,'" quoth the Baron, "deponeth thusly, as to Calendars
generally,--not, however, including the one-eyed Kalendar of the
Arabian Nights,--that MARCUS WARD, mark us well, comes out uncommonly
strong, specially in the 'Boudoir' and also in the 'Shakspeare'
Calendar, which latter hath for every day in the year 'a motto for
every man.' Methinks this pretty well wipes off the Christmas score,
which includes New Year gifts.

"Now as to books,"--continues the Baron, "here let me say that my
favourite pocket-books, not specially for Christmas, but for all times
and seasons, are those excellent travelling companions provided by
CASSELL's _National Library_, BRADBURY AND AGNEW's _Handy Volume
Scott_ and _Shakspeare_, and ROUTLEDGE's _Pocket Library_, all really
portable, and printed in the clearest type. These be welcome presents
to 'constant readers.'" The Baron presents his "many grateful thanks,"
to quote our worthy ROBSON ROOSTUM PASHA, to a kind friend, poet,
scholar and judicious critic, who, from the North, sends the Baron a
seasonable present of a small volume of poems, published by HOLDEN, of
St. Andrew's, N.B. (Quoth Mr. WAGG, "quite a new 'un, published by a
_h_old 'un"--_passons_), entitled _The Scarlet Gown_, written by Mr.
R.F. MURRAY. His verses are in the Calverley vein, the rhyming and
rhythm easy, the jingle pleasant, the lines witty, and the subjects
fresh. The local hits will be specially appreciated by St. Andrew's
men. Everyone will enjoy "The City of Golf, the Adventures of a Poet."
Cantabs especially will sympathise with the humour of "The Delights of
Mathematics." "So here's to the poet in the wassail bowl; a Happy New
Year and a Murray Christmas to him," says

THE JOVIAL BARON DE BOOK-WORMS.

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: MR. PUNCH DRINKS TO THE OLD YEAR!]

       *       *       *       *       *

NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS.,
Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no
case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed
Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration]

  Adscriptus Glebæ, 203
  Advertisement Extraordinary, 195
  After Lunch, 70
  After the Season, 61
  "After You!" 198
  Alice in Thunderland, 27
  All Berry Well, 255
  Ancient Milliner (The), 241
  "Angels and Ministers of Grace!" 135
  "Annals of a Very Quiet Family," 161
  Annals of a Watering-Place, 131, 141, 192
  Another Strike threatened, 145
  Answers to Correspondents, 57, 72, 253, 268
  Anti-Hiss-trionic Bird (An), 301
  Apparently Hard Case (An), 234
  Appropriate Location, 138
  Armada from the Spanish (The), 159
  Arming the Amazons, 270
  'Arry in Rome and London, 293
  'Arry on a 'Ouse-Boat, 76
  'Arry on Arrius, 302
  "As Good as a Better," 133
  "As he'd Like it," 162
  Atropos and the Anthropoids, 169
  At St. James's Hall, 2
  At the Close of the Summer, 168
  At the Door; or, Paterfamilias and the Young Spark, 90
  At the Italian Opera, 209
  "Audi Alteram Partem!" 185
  Auld-(er)-man Gray, 72
  Aunt at Will (An), 281
  Author! Author! 25
  Automatic Physiognomist (The), 181
  Awakening of Father Christmas (The), 306

  Bacon and a Mouthful, 61
  Balder the Fair, 245
  Ballade of Evening Newspapers (A), 23
  Bard _v._ Bard, 213
  Beggar's Petition (A), 165
  "Below the Belt!" 227
  Between the Acts, 219
  "Big Big D" encored (The), 293
  Birds of a Feather, 193
  Bishop and the Sea-Serpent (The), 303
  Bitter Cry of the British Bookmaker (The), 155
  Bitter Cry of the Outcast Choir-Boy (The), 141
  Blackfriars to Sloane Square, 57
  Blendimus! 215
  Board on Both Sides (The), 263
  Board-School Christmas (A), 287
  "Book of Burlesque" (A), 16
  Bouillabaisse, 174
  Boulanger, 179
  Boy the Father of the Man (The), 192
  British Association (The), 106
  Broadly Speaking, 17
  Browning Society Verses, 201
  Bumble brought to Book, 110
  Bumbledom's Big Opening, 170
  Busy Bisley (The), 35
  By George! 300
  "By Jingo!" 249

  Canadian "Search-Light" (The), 114
  Cancel, or Recall, 241
  Canine Sagacity, 108
  Capless Maid (The), 63
  Carmen Culinarium, 309
  Caught by the Classics, 215
  Chantrey Bequest à la Mode de Lisle (The), 1
  Charlemagne and I, 161, 185
  Chili Pickle (A), 219
  Christmas Carol (A), 309
  Christmas Numbers, 291
  Civil Service Exhibition, 257
  Common Complaint (A), 21
  Compulsory Greek, 117
  Conquered "Worth" (The), 153
  Contribution towards Nursery Rhymes, 225
  Coquette of the Period (The), 117
  "Correct Cards, Gents!" 205
  Creditable Incident in the Next War (A), 117
  Cricket Paradox (A), 133
  Cutting Remarks, 231

  Defeat--or Something Near it, 21
  Demographic Vade Mecum (The), 95
  "Dick" Power, 279
  Difference (The), 63
  "Dilemma" (The), 6
  "Disappointment of December" (The), 180
  Doctor Laurie, 165
  Doggerel by a "Disher," 147
  Domestic Cookery, 168
  Drawing the Badger, 230
  Dwarfs in and about London, 155

  Echoes from the Labour Commission, 240
  "Egyptian Pet" (The), 246
  Election Echo (An), 258
  Elevating Exhibition (An), 251
  "England, Home, and Beauty!" 294
  English as she is Sung, 288
  English Opera as she isn't Sung, 257
  "Entertainment," 120
  Enthusiasm à la Russe, 50
  Essay in Reviewing (An), 189
  Essence of Parliament, 11, 23, 35, 47, 59, 70
  Evolution of Tommy's Private School Report, 204
  Exit la Claque, 84
  Extremes Meet, 153

  Fallen Leader (A), 191
  Family Ties, 186
  Father and Son, 153
  Fire King's Abdication (The), 14
  "First-Class" Travelling, 111
  Follow the Baron! 269
  For the Benefit of Zoilus, 60
  Frederick the Great at Burlington House, 293
  Free and Independent, 203
  "French as she is Spoke," 89
  French as she is "Writ," 231
  Friendly Tip to the Fighting Factions, 276
  From a Very Occasional Correspondent, 93
  From Bright to Dull, 179
  From Darkest Africa, 119
  From Grandolph the Explorer, 61
  From Mashonaland, 239

  Garrick School (The), 167
  Genuine Regret (A), 108
  Georgian Era at the Alhambra (The), 255
  German Emperor going Nap (The), 159
  Gilbert à Beckett, 195
  Glory at the Lowest Price, 261
  "Good-bye, Grandmamma!" 30
  Good New "Times" (The), 269
  G.P. and the G.P.O. (The), 191
  "Gray's Elegy" Amended, 198
  "Great Scot!" 61
  Great Twin Brethren (The), 177
  Grouse that Jack Shot (The), 147
  Guzzling Cure (The), 131

  Hanwellian Prize Competition, 41
  "Hanging Theology," 150
  Hard Lines for Him, 233
  Harrying Our Hakims, 201
  "Have we forgotten Gordon?" 78
  "Helps" and Whelps, 93
  Henley Regatta, 21
  Her Violets! 57
  Hide and Seek, 171
  His Greatest Pleasure, 303
  Hit and Miss, 48
  Holiday Fare in Cornwall, 149
  Home, Sweet Home! 193
  Honours Divided, 156
  "Hotel me, gentle Stranger!" 159
  How it's Done, 264
  How to be Popular, 84
  How to Spend a Holiday on Scientific Principles, 77
  Hygeia Off the Scent, 126
  Hyjinks and Hygiene, 89
  Hypnotised Lobster (The), 289

  Iberian-Hibernian, 78
  Idle and the Industrious Apprentice (The), 222
  If the Fashion Spreads, 228
  Ignorant Bliss, 131
  Illegal Fictions, 291
  Ill-luminants! 57
  Imperial and Operatic, 33
  Imperial Impressions, 35
  Imperial Stage-Manager (An), 251
  "In Cellar Deep," 159
  International Nursery-Tale Congress, 173
  In the Name of Charles Dibdin, 61
  Io Triumphe! 237

  James Russell Lowell, 93
  Jawful News! 169
  Jeames's Summary, 42
  Jolly July, 27
  Journal of a Rolling Stone, 156, 168, 180
  Jubilee Greeting (A), 234
  Just Caught the Post! 182

  Kathleen and Petruchio, 282
  Keep Watch! 177
  King of the Beasts (The), 141
  "Knot"-ical Story of Drury Lane (A), 125
  Kurds and Away! 65

  Laissez Faire, 193
  Larks for Londoners, 61
  Last of the Canterbury Tales (The), 156
  Latest from Bobby (The), 228
  Latest Weather-wise Doggerel (The), 153
  "Latiné Doctes," 75
  Leaves from a Candidate's Diary, 4, 39, 73
  Le Roi (en Garçon) en Voyage, s'amuse, 89
  Lesson from the R.N.E. (A), 81
  Letters to Abstractions, 17, 25, 136, 184, 216, 229, 253, 277
  Liberty and Licence, 16
  Light Conduct in Heavenly Bodies, 239
  Lines by a Lewisham Witler, 114
  Literary Intelligence, 239
  Little Germania Magnate (The), 258
  Little Stranger (A), 213
  London's Dilemma, 194
  "Long Distance Swim" (A), 66
  Lord Lytton, 267
  Lost Opportunity (A), 291
  Lover's Complaint (A), 81
  Lullaby of an Infant Speculator, 221

  Manners of Our Children (The), 108
  Many Happy Returns! 126
  Marlowe at Canterbury, 145
  "Masher's Answer" (The), 241
  Mask on a Mask (A), 24
  Matter of Course (A), 129
  Mayor and an Old Hunter (A), 289
  Medicinal Music, 11
  Memory of Milton (The), 231
  Mems from Monkey-land, 252
  Men of the Past, 167
  Meredithomania, 49
  Metropolitan Minotaur (The), 38
  Miss Decima-Helyett-Smithson-Jackson, 84
  Miss Nomer, 12
  Modern "Bed of Procrustes" (The), 138
  Modern Cagliostro (The), 155
  Modern Traveller (The), 78
  Modern Types, 5
  Money makes the Man, 177
  Monti the Matador, 48
  More Excitement in Paris, 149
  More Messages from the Mahatma, 123
  Moth-eaten, 53
  Motto for the Moment, 191
  Mr. Clip's Appeal, 101
  Mr. Punch Explains, 2
  Mr. Punch's Anti-Labour Congress, 102
  Mr. Punch's Naval Novel, 160
  Mr. Punch's Quotation-Book, 2
  Muscovite Version of a Music-Hall Chorus, 153
  Musical Suggestion (A), 147
  Music of the Spheres (The), 177

  Naked Truth (The), 276
  Name Wanted, 305
  Naval Note, 137
  Neptune's "At Home;" or, Neighbours United, 90
  New Crusaders (The), 2
  New Election "Lay" (A), 45
  New Evangel (The), 179
  New Leader (A), 51
  New Name, 267
  New Tory Nursery Rhyme, 61
  New Way out of a Wager (A), 165
  Night-Mailing, 229
  Note (A), 81
  Note and Query (A), 147
  "Nothing but the Truth," 126
  "Nothing in the Papers!" 106
  Nothing like Labour, 239
  Nothing New, 171
  "Nothing succeeds like"--Succession? 6
  Not Quite Polite, 87
  "Now you're Quite the Gentleman!" 266

  Ode to a Barometer, 106
  Off-Portsmouth Phrase-Book (The), 231
  Off to Masherland, 3, 15, 29, 41, 83
  Old Doggerel Re-dressed, 114
  Old Joe and the New (The), 210
  Old School Buoy (An), 93
  Old Times Revived, 240
  Omitted from Portrait Gallery at the Royal Naval Exhibition, 63
  Only Fancy! 201, 209, 217, 240, 245, 264, 273, 279, 305
  Only One (The), 27
  On the Bridge! 54
  "On the Hyp"-notist, 275
  On the Marlowe Memorial, 156
  Operatic Birds, 66
  Operatic Notes, 37
  Opportunity (An), 277
  Our Booking-Office, 84, 95, 99, 144, 145, 179, 189, 213, 225, 252, 257,
      265, 281, 289, 309
  "Our Children's Ears," 77
  Our Real Desideratum, 155
  Our Own Financial Column, 217, 233, 249, 261, 275, 288
  Oysterless, 205
  Oysters (not) for Ever! 169

  Pannick in Gildhall (A), 293
  Passionate Shepherd to his Love (The), 290
  Paul Pry in the Purple, 285
  Penny French--Twopence British, 96
  Playgoer's "Last Word" (A), 186
  Politesse, 88
  Popular Songs Re-Sung, 167, 204, 276, 297
  Possible Explanation, 267
  Pretty Simpleton (The), 225
  Prince (The), 49
  "Prodigy Son" (The), 216
  Programme of the Cyclopædic Circus, 285
  Protected Female (The), 218
  "Pugs" and "Mugs," 99
  Purchase Officer's Guide to the Army (The), 12

  Queer Christmas Party (A), 301
  Queer Queries, 4, 5, 36, 49, 87, 106, 285
  Quelching Quelch, 24
  Queries for Cambridge Exam. Paper, 298
  Queries for Candidates (L.C.C.), 225
  Quite a Libel'y Prospect! 251
  Quite a Little Novelty, 89
  Quite a New Spec, 231
  Quite Fabulous, 265

  Rather Vague, 243
  Raven (The), 206
  Real Burning Question (A), 197
  Real Treat (A), 13
  Reflection by a General Reader, 191
  Remonstrance (A), 193
  Resignation, 63
  "Revolted Mortimer," 153
  Rhyme at Rhyl, 195
  Riding the Pig, 60
  Robert on the Coming Sho, 219
  Robert on the Hemperer's Visit to the City, 5, 16
  Robert on the Lord Mare's Sho, 243
  Robert Sees the Photograff taken, 65
  Robert's Future, 113
  Robert's Romance, 129
  Romance in Numbers (A), 183
  Rule of Three (The), 59
  Rusticus Expectans, 279

  Safe Novel (A), 297
  "Save me from my Friends!" 169
  Scott (anything but) Free, 30
  Seaside Asides, 108
  "Semper Eadem," 73
  Setting their Caps at him, 62
  Shakspeare and North, not Christopher, 2
  Shilling in the Pound Wise (A), 45
  Silence and Sleep, 133
  Smoked Off! 45
  Solomon Pell in all his Glory, 119
  Some Circular Notes, 88, 105, 109, 121, 143, 148
  Some London "Fiends," 197
  Song in Season (A), 113
  Songs of the Unsentimentalist, 24
  Song that Broke my Heart (The), 75
  Sonnet of Vain Desire (A), 165
  Sphinx and the Stick (The), 273
  Stolen Pictures (The), 39
  Storicules, 97, 120, 132, 135, 149, 173, 228
  Story Out of Season (A), 101
  Straight Tip to Canadian "Cross Coves," 179
  Suggestion (A), 213
  Suitor Resartus, 267
  Supplementary and Corrective, 37
  Surrey ABC (The), 108
  "Sweet little Cherub that sits up aloft" (The), 254

  Talk for Travellers, 177
  Tea in Ten Minutes, 171
  Telling the Wasps, 141
  Terrible Tale (A), 73
  Theory and Practice, 273
  Theosophic Tools, 203
  Thinning of the Thatch (The), 300
  Timely Suggestion (A), 276
  Tip by a Tory, 114
  Tippling Sally, 189
  To Amanda, 37
  To Araminta, 189
  To a Too-Engaging Maiden, 132
  "To Err is Human," 168
  To Evangeline, 281
  Told in Tags, 298
  To Lord Tennyson, 75
  To my Lord Addington, 213
  Too-Engaging Maiden's Reply (A), 197
  Too Free to be Easy, 96
  To the Grand Old Cricketer, 155
  To the Shelved Sex, 93
  Tran-slated, 287
  Travelling Companions (The), 40, 52, 85, 100, 112, 124, 134, 146, 157,
      172, 196, 208, 220, 232, 244, 256, 268, 280, 292, 304
  Triple Alliance (A), 18
  True Tennyson (The), 165
  Truly Rooral Opera (A), 289
  Trying it on, 210
  Tupper's Proverbial Philosophy Up to Date, 207
  Turning the Tables, 150
  Two Emperors, 87
  Two Graces (The), 219
  Twopence Plain--a Penny Coloured, 294
  Two Views of the next Invasion, 51
  Two Winds (The), 122
  Two Words in Season, 145
  "Typical Developments," 233

  'Umble Correction (An), 70
  Unattractive Combination, 114
  Under-Lyne'd, 165
  Under the Screw, 96
  Unhygienic Householder, 87
  Upon a Glove, 63
  Urbi et Orbi, 1

  Vain Vaunt (A), 159
  Very Near, 246
  Voces Populi, 9, 13, 28, 69
  Voices of the Night, 181
  Vox et Præterea Nihil! 144

  Waiters' Strike (The), 145
  Wanted, a Word-Slayer, 97
  War in a Fog, 221
  Warlike Tale from the Pacific (A), 264
  Waterloo to Weybridge, 39
  Welcome, little Stranger! 289
  Well done, Dear! 59
  "Wells, I never!" 237
  What hoe! Raikes! 75
  What is a "Demographer"? 75
  What's in a Title? 145
  "What will he Do with it?" 174
  Where are our Dairymaids? 129
  "Where is dat Barty now?" 171
  "Whether" and the Parks (The), 12
  "Who Breaks Pays," 132
  Why should Merit wait? 145
  "Whys"--Wise and Otherwise, 225
  William Henry Smith, 183
  "Williams on Wheels," 305
  "Will you, won't you?" 242
  Without the Compliments of the Season, 297
  With the B.M.A. at Bournemouth, 64
  "Won't Work!" 74
  Worth Noticing, 84
  Wrong of Search (The), 53

  Young Grandolph's Barty, 205


  LARGE ENGRAVINGS.

  "After You!" 199
  Arming the Amazons, 271
  "As he'd Like it," 163
  Awakening of Father Christmas; or, A Call to Alms (The), 307
  Canadian "Search-Light" (The), 115
  "Dilemma" (The), 7
  "Egyptian Pet" (The), 247
  "England, Home, and Beauty!" 295
  Family Ties, 187
  "Good-bye, Grandmamma!" 31
  "Have we forgotten Gordon?" 79
  Idle and Industrious Apprentice (The), 223
  Jeames's Summary, 43
  Jubilee Greeting (A), 235
  Kathleen and Petruchio, 283
  Little Germania Magnate (The), 259
  "Long Distance Swim" (A), 67
  Modern "Bed of Procrustes" (The), 139
  Mr. Punch's Anti-Labour Congress, 103
  Neptune's "At Home;" or, Neighbours United, 91
  "Nothing but the Truth," 127
  On the Bridge! 55
  Triple Alliance (A), 19
  Trying it on! 211
  "Turning the Tables," 151
  "What will he Do with it?"


  SMALL ENGRAVINGS.

  Advertisements in Church, 63
  Alice in Thunderland, 26
  'Arry on Arrius, 302
  Aunt Jane on Family Weddings, 207
  Balfour on the Irish Pig, 50
  Barristers Sketching in Court, 303
  Blue-Ribbonite for Once only, 90
  Blue-Ribbonite's Glass of Champagne, 27
  Boiling the Porcelain Nest-Egg, 165
  "Breezy Brighton," 262
  Bumble Kicks the Drainage Petition, 170
  "Burying the (Railway) Hatchet," 81
  Butler's Opinion of Sir Pompey's Champagne, 174
  Buying a Tie for a Wedding, 183
  Captain Shaw, the Fire King, 14
  Cave of the Winds (The), 122
  Chamberlain and the Primrose Lady, 266
  Chappie and Old Deer-Stalker, 267
  Christian Czar and the Heathen Chinee, 86
  Clergyman and a Bereaved Mother, 138
  Cockney Sportsman and the Starlings, 215
  Combat between Water and Wine, 201
  Comic Amateur in a Country House, 114
  Contralto Singer and Music Publisher, 219
  Country Hostess and French Baron, 198
  County Council and the Minotaur, 38
  Cricket at Lord's, 46
  Cyclist Centaur of the Future (The), 160
  Daily Graphic's Weather-Young-Woman (The), 133
  Dentist's Patient in Operating-Chair, 195
  Devoting Swiss Tour to Lawn-Tennis, 186
  Disappointed and Successful Artists, 39
  Doctor and Nurse, 258
  Drawing-Room Smelling of Tobacco-Smoke, 222
  Drawing the Goschen Badger, 230
  Election Fever--Victim's Vicissitudes, 286
  Electric Light and the Householder, 98
  Equestrian Clasping his Horse, 237
  Ethel "Not at Home" to Governess, 294
  Fancy Portrait of Sir W.V. Harcourt, 177
  Father reading Son's School Report, 23
  Fergusson Catching the Post, 182
  Floods (The), 250
  Garden Party on a Wet Day (A), 54
  Gentleman on a Conjuror's Platform, 155
  Gent's Reason for not admiring Browning, 171
  German Emperor and Dogs of War, 158
  German Emperor's Visit (The), 34
  German Exhibition Hero (A), 192
  Goddess of the Bathing Machine, 162
  G.O.M. and East Dorset Election, 285
  Grandmamma and Literary Grandson, 210
  "Grandolph ad Leones," 202
  Grandolph's Suggestion for Parliament, 94
  Grandpapa and the Fortune-teller, 42
  Greek Protected Female (The), 218
  Hands _versus_ Ears, 123
  Hunting Man in a Pond, 213
  Inebriated Old Gent and British Association, 106
  Irish Sportsman's Rebellious Dogs, 74
  John Bull Prospero and Electric Ariel, 254
  Jones "Marking" the Game, 261
  Ladies in the House of Commons, 58
  Ladies _v._ Boys at Cricket, 126
  Lady Covets Old Gent's Dog, 78
  Lady Godiva and Fair Frenchwoman, 135
  Lady inviting Swell to Shoot Geese, 246
  Lady Visitor and Mrs. Jones's Concert, 30
  Lady wanting to learn Zenana Stitch, 111
  Lady wearing a Gentleman's Coat, 147
  Lancashire Watering-Place (A), 166
  Lightly-Stepping Horse (A), 227
  Little Maid and a Toyshopman, 150
  Lord Chancellor and Burglar Witness, 242
  Mature Siren and Lady Friend, 87
  Middle-Aged Ladies' Amenities, 275
  Miss Parliamentina puts her House in Order, 82
  Mr. and Mrs. Jones on Matrimony, 102
  Mr. Punch at the Potteries, 238
  Mr. Punch Drinks to the Old Year, 310
  Mr. Punch in Ireland, 142
  Mr. Punch in Wales, 154
  Mr. Punch on Board the Irish Mail, 130
  Mr. Punch on Tour in Yorkshire, 274
  Mr. Punch Thanking the World, 47
  Mr. Punch visits Scarborough Spa, 178
  Mrs. Blunderby's "Chef-d'oeuvres," 239
  Newspaper Difficulties, 75
  Old Cyclist and Roughs, 6
  Old Tabby of a Mother-in-law, 306
  Old Lady and the Cricket Club, 159
  Only One Young Lady at Home, 287
  Optical Illusion in Lady's Orchestra, 95
  Parliamentary Bees on the Wing, 71
  Parliamentary Night-Birds, 10
  Parliamentary Official's Holiday (The), 118
  Paterfamilias Starting for the Meet, 282
  Patient's Vision of Dentist's Forceps, 70
  Peer and the Salmon (The), 133
  Percy and Miss Fitzogre's Nose, 284
  Plain Country Gentleman and Son, 203
  Poster for the next German Exhibition, 190
  Promising Four-Year-Old Hunter (A), 298
  Punch and the Prince of Naples, 49
  Quick Change Chancellor (The), 299
  Ratepayers' Revolt against County Council, 263
  Raven at the War-Office (The), 206
  Rector's Wife and Aspiring Buttons, 243
  Reminiscence of the Ryde Season (A), 226
  Ritchie's Work for Bumble, 110
  Royal (Olympic) Divorce (A), 137
  Russian Emperor and Republics, 62
  Rustic Voter and Party River, 278
  Sailors in the Back-yards, 2
  Senior and Junior Counsel, 279
  Sentry "coming out of his Kennel," 255
  Shepherd Gladstone Piping to Agriculture, 290
  Sir Augustus Harris, Knight, 59
  Sir Richard Temple's Farewell, 107
  Slipping down a Road-Car Staircase, 191
  Society at the Botanical Gardens, 22
  Swell's Difficulty with a Hatband, 99
  Sporting Major and Laconic Waiter, 179
  Street Ballad-Singer and Harpist, 45
  Swell's Idea of seeing "L'Enfant Prodigue," 18
  Thames Embankment as it Might be, 214
  Tiff between Two Bards (A), 51
  Torture by a Circular Hair-Brush, 265
  Traveller who has Lost his Purse, 291
  Undergraduates discussing Dante, 231
  Vocalist and Talking Friends, 11
  Wagnerian, but not a Musician (A), 251
  Welsh Cars for Lord Mayor's Show, 241
  Witch Monopoly and Fair London, 104
  Young Bride and "Tom Jones," 270
  Young Lady Boating with no Chaperon, 66

[Illustration]