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PUNCH,

OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

VOL. 156.



February 19, 1919.




CHARIVARIA.

The report that demobilisation will be completed by March 31st is now
officially denied. There would appear to be something in the rumour
that the Demobilisation Staff have expressed the hope of dying in
harness.

       ***

It is stated that Woolwich Arsenal is preparing to manufacture
ice-cream freezers. People are wondering if it was the weather that
gave them this happy thought.

       ***

The German ex-Crown Prince is so determined that the Allies shall not
place him on trial that he now threatens to commit suicide or die in
the attempt.

       ***

"There are things we want to get rid of," says "BACK BENCHER" in _The
Daily Mail_. The rumour that Sir FREDERICK BANBURY, M.P., has already
demanded an apology is unconfirmed.

       ***

Soldier-golfers, says a sporting writer, are already urging the
introduction of fresh features into the game. A new method of
addressing the ball, introduced from Mesopotamia, is said to be most
efficacious.

       ***

With reference to the North of England man who has decided not
to strike, we now learn that he happens to be out of work just at
present.

       ***

ISAAC DENBIGH, of Chicago, is, we are told, one-hundred-and-thirteen
years of age. He must try again. We expect better things than this
from America.

       ***

Statesmen, says Sir WILLIAM ORPEN, A.R.A., are poor sitters. The
impulse to rush out and cackle has probably something to do with it.

       ***

It is said that a soldier in the Lancashire Fusiliers decided, on
being demobilised, to accept a standard civilian suit instead of the
usual gratuity. The Sergeant-Major in charge of the case lies in a
critical condition.

       ***

Sand-gleaners at Ramsgate are making money from bags of sugar washed
ashore. This answers the oft-propounded question, "How do grocers
spend their week-ends?"

       ***

Another hold-up by American soldiers has occurred in Liverpool. In
view of the magnitude of our debt to the United States it is felt
that this method of collecting it in instalments is bound to prove
unsatisfactory.

       ***

"Humour and love," says a contemporary, "are what will pay the average
writer best at the moment." It is not known whether Labour or the
Peace Conference has done most to send up the price of these luxuries.

       ***

Officials of the Waiters' Union are perturbed over the rumour that
restaurant _habitués_ are preparing to strike in favour of a fifty per
cent. reduction in tips.

       ***

Several of our leading magistrates declare that unless some High
Court judge asks, "What is beer?" they will be compelled to do it
themselves.

       ***

A St. Bernard dog belonging to a New York hotel-keeper perished after
swallowing a bundle of dollar notes. It is said that the deceased died
worth sixty-five pounds.

       ***

One explanation for the many daylight robberies committed recently in
London is that several of our better-class burglars object to breaking
into people's houses like thieves in the night.

       ***

Because a Highgate lodger refused to pay his rent, the landlady wrote
asking his wife to come and fetch him away. If he is not claimed in
three days he will be sold to defray expenses.

       ***

Only a person with a perfectly healthy skin, says a contemporary, can
afford to face the keen winds without taking precaution. If you have
any doubts about your skin the best thing is to leave it at home on
the hat-rack.

       ***

At a football match at South Hindley last week the referee was struck
in the mouth and severely injured by one of the backs, after ordering
three other players off the field for fighting. This, we understand,
was one of the first fixtures to be brought off under the auspices of
the Brighter Football League.

       ***

The L.C.C. are said to be formulating a plan to meet the rush for
trains on the Underground. Personally we always try to avoid it.

       ***

A medical journal refers to a new method of raising blisters by
hypnotic suggestion. This is said to be an improvement on the old East
End system of developing black eyes by back-answering.

       ***

A defendant told the Tower Bridge magistrate that he only took whisky
when he had a cold. It must be hard work for him to resist sitting by
an open window this weather.

       ***

A gold vase, said to have been stolen from Assyria 2478 years ago,
has just been found in a sarcophagus at Cairo. We understand that the
local police have been instructed to take action.

       ***

The typist who, as reported in these columns last week, fell out of a
moving train on the Isle of Wight Railway and had quite a lot to say
to the guard when she overtook the train, is now understood to have
been told she could keep on walking if she liked. However, as her
people were not expecting her until the train arrived, she again
entered the carriage from which she had fallen.

       ***

Russian soldiers are now permitted to smoke in the streets and to
travel in railway carriages. Later on it is hoped that the privilege
of dying a natural death may be extended to them.


       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: _House-agent's Clerk_ (_to gentleman hunting for
a flat_). "NOW THEN, BE OFF WITH YOU. WE NEVER BUY ANYTHING FROM
ITINERANTS."]

       *       *       *       *       *

THE CAM OFFENSIVE.

  Once more on Barnwell's fetid ooze,
    Neglected these long years of slaughter,
  In stolid tubs the Lenten crews
    Go forth to flog the same old water.

  Fresh from the Somme's resilient phase,
    From Flanders slime and bomb-proof burrows,
  Much as we did in ancient days
    They smite the Cam's repellent furrows.

  Their coaches sit the old, old gees,
    But with a manner something larger,
  As warriors who between their knees
    Have learned to steer the bounding charger.

  Unchanged their language, rude and firm,
    Save where a khaki note is sounded,
  And here and there a towpath term
    With military tags confounded.

  "Get forward! Are you ready? Quick--
    March!" "Get a move on! Keep it breezy!"
  "Two, mind the step!" "Swing out and kick!"
    "Halt! Sit at--ease! Ground--oars! Sit easy!"

  "The dressing's bad all down the line."
    "Eyes on your front rank's shoulders, Seven!
  Don't watch the Cam--it's not the Rhine--
    Or gaze for Gothas up in heaven!"

  "I want to hear your rowlocks ring
    Like a good volley, all together."
  "Hands up (or 'Kamerad') as you swing
    Straight from the hips. Don't sky your feather,

  As if I'd given the word, 'High Port'!"
    "Five, I admit your martial charms, Sir,
  But now you're on a rowing-thwart,
    So use your legs and not your arms, Sir!"

  "Six, you've a rotten seat, my son;
    Don't trust your stirrups; grip the saddle!"
  "Squad--properly at ease! Squad--'shun!
    Get forward! By the centre--paddle!"

O.S.

       *       *       *       *       *

CAST.

The auctioneer glanced at his book. "Number 29," he said, "black mare,
aged, blind in near eye, otherwise sound."

The cold rain and the biting north-east wind did not add to the
appearance of Number 29, as she stood, dejected, listless, with head
drooping, in the centre of the farmers and horse-dealers who were
attending the sale of cast Army horses. She looked as though she
realised that her day had waned, and that the bright steel work, the
soft well-greased leather, the snowy head-rope and the shining curb
were to be put aside for less noble trappings.

She had a curiously shaped white blaze, and I think it was that, added
to the description of her blindness, which stirred my memory within
me. I closed my eyes for a second and it all came back to me, the
gun stuck in the mud, the men straining at the wheels, the shells
bursting, the reek of high explosive, the two leaders lying dead on
the road, and, above all, two gallant horses doing the work of four
and pulling till you'd think their hearts would burst.

I stepped forward and, looking closer at the mare's neck, found what
I had expected, a great scar. That settled it. I approached the
auctioneer and asked permission to speak to the crowd for a few
moments.

"Well," said he, "I'm supposed to do the talking here, you know."

"It won't do you any harm," I pleaded, "and it will give me a chance
to pay off a big debt."

"Right," he said, smiling; "carry on."

"Gentlemen," I said, "about this time a year ago I was commanding a
battery in France. It was during the bad days, and we were falling
back with the Hun pressing hard upon us. My guns had been firing all
the morning from a sunken road, when we got orders to limber up and
get back to a rear position. We hadn't had a bad time till then, a few
odd shells, but nothing that was meant especially for our benefit.
And then, just as we were getting away, they spotted us, and a battery
opened on us good and strong. By a mixture of good luck and great
effort we'd got all the guns away but one, when a shell landed just
in front of the leaders and knocked them both out with their driver;
at the same time the gun was jerked off the road into a muddy ditch.
Almost simultaneously another shell killed one of the wheelers, and
there we were with one horse left to get the gun out of the ditch and
along a road that was almost as bad as the ditch itself.

"It looked hopeless, and it was on the tip of my tongue to give orders
to abandon the gun, when suddenly out of the blue there appeared on
the bank above us a horse, looking unconcernedly down at us.

"In those days loose horses were straying all over the country, and
I took this to be one from another battery which had come to us for
company.

"I turned to one of the men. 'Catch that mare quick.'

"In a few minutes we had the harness off the dead wheeler and on the
new-comer. Pull? Gentlemen, if you could have seen those two horses
pull!

"We'd just got a move on the gun when another shell came and seemed
to burst right on top of the strange mare. I heard a terrified squeal,
and through the smoke I saw her stagger and with a mighty effort
recover herself. I ran round and saw she'd been badly hit over the eye
and had a great tearing gash in the neck. We never thought she could
go on, but she pulled away just the same, with the blood pouring off
her, till finally we got the gun out and down the road to safety.

"I got knocked out a few minutes later, and from that day to this I've
often wondered what had happened to the mare that had served us so
gallantly. I know now. There she stands before you. I'd know her out
of a thousand by the white blaze; and if there was a doubt there's her
blind eye and the scar on her neck.

"That's all, gentlemen; but I'm going to ask the man who buys her to
remember her story and to see that her last days are not too hard."

She fell at a good price to a splendid type of West Country farmer,
and the auctioneer whispered to me, "I'm glad old Carey's got her.
There's not a man in the county keeps his horses better."

"Old Carey" came up to me as we were moving off. "I had a son in
France," he said, "in the gunners, too, but he hadn't the luck of the
old mare"--he hesitated a moment and his old eyes looked steadily into
mine--"for he'll never come back. The mare'll be all right, Sir," he
went on as he walked off, "easy work and full rations. I reckon she's
earned them."

       *       *       *       *       *

    "The bride was given away by her grandfather who was dressed
    in Liberty satin in empire style, with hanging sleeves of
    chiffon."--_Provincial Paper_.

He must have looked a sweet old dear.

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: THE GOOSE THAT LAYS THE GOLDEN EGGS.

_The Bird_. "HAVE YOU REALISED, MY GOOD SIR, THAT IF YOU PROCEED TO
EXTREMES WITH THAT WEAPON MY AURIFEROUS ACTIVITIES MUST INEVITABLY
CEASE?"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: ECHO OF THE TUBE STRIKE.

"TAKE YER UP TO THE CITY FOR 'ALF-A-QUID, GUV'NOR."]

       *       *       *       *       *

THE ACUTE ANGLER.

The Colonel of our Reserve Battalion has an almost unique reputation
as an angler. Scattered elements of the regiment carry his piscatorial
heroics to obscure corners of the earth. Majors on the Pushti Kuli
range recount the episode of the ingenuous troutling which, having
apparently conceived a violent passion for the Colonel, literally
forced itself upon the hook seven times within a short afternoon.
Captains on the Sultanitza Planina rehearse the epic incidents of
how the Colonel snatched victory from defeat after pursuing for three
miles an infuriated pike which had wrenched the very rod from his
grasp. Subalterns in the chill wilds of Cologne, adding picturesque
details to an already artistic story, relate how he hooked a mighty
veteran carp near Windsor, and played it for nine full hours (with a
rest of ten minutes after the first, and five after each successive
hour); how, under a full moon, he eventually grounded it on the
Blackfriars' mud and beached it with a last effort; how they lay
panting side by side for a space, and how, finally, with the courtesy
due to an honourable foe from a gallant victor, he forced neat brandy
down its throat and returned it to its domain in a slightly inebriated
but wholly grateful condition.

Consequently the Colonel's announcement that in view of the armistice
he intended to spend three days in fishing the waters of a friend's
estate was received by the Mess with lively satisfaction. An
overwhelming fish diet was deprecated, but it was generally held that
the honour of the regiment was in some way involved, and the Major
felt it his duty to escort his senior officer on an expedition of such
gravity.

It transpired that the first day was unfortunate. The Colonel was
silently impolite throughout Mess and retired immediately afterwards.
The Major explained that the conditions had been adverse. The punt
leaked at the end depressed by the Colonel and the ground-bait had
been left behind. The wind was fierce and cutting, and the brandlings
had been upset into the luncheon-basket. In addition the Colonel's
reel had escaped into the river and had declined to give itself up
until the whole length of line had been hauled in; and, in leaning
over the side to reclaim it, his gold fountain-pen had vanished. Five
hooks had failed to return from the deep and two were left suspended
from inaccessible branches; Also in the Major's opinion there was not
a single fish in the river.

By breakfast the Colonel had regained his spirits. He commented on the
lack of support given him by the Major, and in his place invited the
Adjutant on the ground that he was probably less clumsy. He remarked
that the offensive had not yet opened and that the previous day had
been mainly devoted to a thorough reconnaissance of the whole sector.
He had reason to believe that the enemy was present in considerable
force.

The second day proved equally unfortunate. The Colonel took his dinner
in private, and the Mess orderly, who had dismally cut the two of
clubs in the kitchen, returned from his ministrations a complete
nervous wreck. The Adjutant explained that misfortune had followed
misfortune. They had barely settled down midstream, and he was in
the act of extracting a hook from the Colonel's finger with his
jack-knife, when the punt broke from its moorings and carried them
half-a-mile downstream. It was uncanny how the craft had contrived to
navigate four bends without giving an opportunity of landing. In the
afternoon they had fished from the bank, and the Colonel had fallen
asleep while the Adjutant mounted guard. The Adjutant protested that
it was not his fault that the float suddenly disappeared, or that the
Colonel, on being vigorously awakened by him, struck so violently
at what proved to be a dead branch that he lost his footing and
tobogganned heavily into the river, and was compelled to waste three
hours in the neighbouring hostelry taking precautions against a chill.

At breakfast next morning the Colonel intimated that on this his last
day he would go unaccompanied. With one eye on the Major and the other
on the Adjutant, he passed a few remarks on the _finesse_ of fishing.
The element of surprise should be the basis of attack. Precision and
absolute secrecy in the carrying out of preliminary operations was
vital. Every trick and every device of camouflage should be brought
into play. There should be no violent preliminary bombardment of
ground-bait to alarm the hostile forces, but the sector should be
unostentatiously registered on the preceding night. The enemy's first
realisation of attack should be at that moment when resistance was
futile--though for his part he preferred a foe that would fight to the
fish-basket, as it were. He thought the weather was vastly improved
and admitted that his hopes were high.

In the evening the Colonel positively swaggered into Mess. He radiated
good fellowship and even bandied witticisms with the junior subaltern
in an admirable spirit of give-and-take. He had enjoyed excellent
sport. Later, in the ante-room, he delivered a useful little homily on
the surmounting of obstacles, on patience, on presence of mind and on
nerve, copiously illustrated from a day's triumph that will resound
on the Murman coast as the unconditional surrender of the intimidated
roach. He described how he had cunningly outmanoeuvred the patrols,
defeated the vigilance of the pickets, pierced the line of resistance,
launched a surprise attack on the main body, and spread panic in the
hearts of the hostile legions.

Unhappily for us, common decency, he said, had forced him to present
his catch to his friend.

       *       *       *       *       *

    "Wanted, to kill time whilst waiting demobilisation, an old
    gun, rifle, or pistol."--_Morning Paper_.

Now we know why Time flies.

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: _Barber_ (_carried away by his reminiscences_). "AND
WHEN HE'D LOOPED THE LOOP HE DID A NOSE-DIVE THAT FAIRLY TOOK YOUR
BREATH AWAY."]

       *       *       *       *       *

THE TWOPENNY BIN.

It was called _Greatheart_; or, _Samuel's Sentimental Side_; and I
think you will agree that it was a lot of title for twopence. Day
after day, as I fumbled among the old books in the Twopenny Bin of the
little secondhand bookseller's shop, that volume would wriggle itself
forward and worm its way into my hands; and I would clench my teeth
and thrust it to the remotest depths of the box.

Then it haunted me. All day in my room I could hear _Greatheart_; or,
_Samuel's Sentimental Side_ calling out to me, "How would you like to
be in the Twopenny Bin?"

I began to grow sentimental myself, and to handle those unconsidered
trifles with tenderness. For you never know; I might be in the
Twopenny Bin myself someday; might be picked up, just glanced at and
shifted back into the corner out of sight.

Yesterday _Greatheart_ again found himself in my hands, and I looked
to see the date of his entry upon the world. I reflected on his sixty
years of life, on the many happy fireside hours that had been spent in
his company, on the gentle solace he had furnished to lesser hearts.

I had decided what to do. There were few people about; the bookseller
was not looking, and, if offence it was, well, I could fall back on
the mercy of those who would judge.

I leaned forward and tenderly deposited him in the Fourpenny Bin.

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: _The Visitor_. "BY JOVE, PERSEUS, I NEVER KNEW YOU WENT
IN FOR SCULPTURE. GOOD STUFF, TOO, BUT A TRIFLE REALISTIC."

_Perseus_. "OH, JUST A HOBBY. BUT, BETWEEN OURSELVES, IT'S THE
MEDUSA'S HEAD THAT DOES IT. TURNS PEOPLE INTO STONE, AND THERE YOU
ARE."]

       *       *       *       *       *

TO A DEAR DEPARTED.

    ["Georgina," the largest of the giant tortoises at the Zoo,
    has died. She was believed to be about two hundred and fifty
    years old.]

  Winds blow cold and the rain, Georgina,
    Beats and gurgles on roof and pane;
  Over the Gardens that once were green a
    Shadow stoops and is gone again;
      Only a sob in the wild swine's squeal,
      Only the bark of the plunging seal,
  Only the laugh of the striped hyæna
    Muffled with poignant pain.

  Long ago, in the mad glad May days,
    Woo'd I one who was with us still;
  Bade him wake to the world's blithe heydays,
    Leap in joyance and eat his fill;
      Sang I, sweet as the bright-billed ousel, a
      Pæan of praise for thy pal, Methuselah.
  Ah! he too in the Winter's grey days
    Died of the usual chill.

  He was old when the Reaper beckoned,
    Ripe for the paying of Nature's debt;
  Forty score--if he'd lived a second--
    Years had flown, but he lingered yet;
      But you had gladdened this vale of tears
      For a bare two hundred and fifty years;
  You, Georgina, we always reckoned
    One of the younger set.

  Winter's cold and the influenza
    Wreaked and ravaged the ranks among;
  Bills that babbled a gay cadenza,
    Snouts that snuffled and claws that clung--
      Now they whistle and root and run
      In Happy Valleys beyond the sun;
  Never back to the ponds and pens a
    Sigh of regret is flung.

  Flaming parrots and pink flamingoes,
    Birds of Paradise, frail as fair;
  Monkeys talking a hundred lingoes,
    Ring-tailed lemur and Polar bear--
      Somehow our grief was not profound
      When they passed to the Happy Hunting Ground;
  Deer and ducks and yellow dog dingoes
    Croaked, but we did not care.

  But you--ah, you were our pride, our treasure,
    Care-free child of a kingly race.
  Undemonstrative? Yes, in a measure,
    But every movement replete with grace.
      Whiles we mocked at the monkeys' tricks
      Or pored apart on the apteryx;
  These could yield but a passing pleasure;
    Yours was the primal place.

  How our little ones' hearts would flutter
    When your intelligent eye peeped out,
  Saying as plainly as words could utter,
    "Hurry up with that Brussels-sprout!"
      How we chortled with simple joy
      When you bit that impudent errand-boy;
  "That'll teach him," we heard you mutter,
    "Whether I've got the gout."

  Fairest, rarest in all the Zoo, you
    Bound us tight in affection's bond;
  Now you're gone from the friends that knew you,
    Wails the whaup in the Waders' Pond;
      Wails the whaup and the seamews keen a
      Song of sorrow; but you, Georgina,
  Frisk for ever where warm winds woo you,
    There, in the Great Beyond.

ALGOL.

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: TECHNICALITIES OF DEMOBILISATION.

_Officer_. "WHAT ARE THESE MEN'S TRADES OR CALLINGS, SERGEANT?"
_Sergeant_. "SLOSHER, SLABBER AND WUZZER, SIR."]

       *       *       *       *       *

A CONTRA APPRECIATION.

LORD NORTHCLIFFE has recently contributed a remarkably outspoken
criticism of Mr. LLOYD GEORGE by way of "send-off" to his latest
journal, _The New Illustrated_. The following extracts from an article
about to appear in _The Pacific Monthly_, kindly communicated to us by
wireless, seem to indicate that the PREMIER is indisposed to take it
lying down:--

"In a letter recently published without my authority I said that I
was unable to control or influence him. This was true at the time and
remains true now. Time and again have efforts been made to harness
his energies to the State, but they have never succeeded. The
responsibilities of office are irksome to his imperious temperament.
There is something almost tragic in a figure, equipped with the
qualities of an hereditary autocrat, endeavouring to accommodate
himself to the needs of a democracy. The spectacle of this purple
Emperor of the Press, with his ear constantly glued to the ground,
is not wanting in pathos. With him the idols of yesterday are the pet
aversions of to-day. He denounces me as 'a political chameleon, taking
on the colour of those who at the moment happen to be his associates.'
But what are you to say of a man who clamours for a saviour of the
situation and then turns him into a cock-shy; of a Napoleon who is
continually retiring to Elba when things are not going as he likes;
of a politician who claims the privileges but refuses the duties of a
Dictator?

"It is obvious that he is still labouring under the hallucination that
the War was a duel between him and the KAISER; that he 'downed' his
antagonist single-handed, and that the prospects of a stable peace
have been shattered by my failure to include him among the British
Peace Delegates. So, all in a moment, the 'Welsh Wizard' is converted
into the miserable creature of the Tory Junkers--a man without 'high
moral courage,' 'wide knowledge' or 'large ideas.'

"Personally I have no illusions about my consistency, but I _do_
think that here I displayed some moral courage, also some unselfish
consideration for CLEMENCEAU and WILSON and others. Just think of the
panegyrics that would have been showered upon my head in the Press
which he controls if he had been invited to the Table!

"But with all deductions he is a man to be reckoned with, if not
counted upon. He is a man of large type--almost of "Pica" type. And
sometimes he deviates into sound and just criticism; as for example
when he says that I 'depend greatly, upon others.' It is true. What is
more, I know on whom I can depend; and I have learnt that his support
can only be secured on terms which would reduce the PREMIER to the
level of one of his minor editors."

       *       *       *       *       *

SHAKSPEARE WILL BE PLEASED.

  "CZECHO-SLOVAK REPUBLIC.
  PROBLEM OF OUTLET TO SEA.
  Port at Prague or Dantzig."

--_Scottish Paper_.

  "... Our ship hath touch'd upon
    The deserts of Bohemia."

_The Winter's Tale, III_. 3.

       *       *       *       *       *

    "At the Dogger Bank fight, Lion, the flagship of Sir David
    Beatty, was crippled. Some people say she was torpedoed,
    almost miraculously, by a Hun destroyer from five miles' range
    (which version is probably tripe)."--_Scottish Paper_.

Like so many things that we read in the Press nowadays.

       *       *       *       *       *

_NOUVELLES DE PARIS._

(_WITH ACKNOWLEDGMENTS TO THE "SOCIETY" PRESS_).

_Paris, Feb., 1919._

Dearest POPPY,--_Que la vie est drôle!_ Who was it said that there are
two great tragedies in life--not getting what you want, and getting
it? I never understood that saying until now. For instance, when I
left London most people I knew seemed to have a feverish desire to
get to Paris. They were ready to move heaven, earth and the Ministry
of Information to obtain the desired passport. They would go to any
lengths to prove how necessary their presence is here during the Peace
Conference.

And now I find my countrymen over here longing with an equal
feverishness to go home again. _Ils s'attristent. Ils s'ennuient._
They have _nostalgie_ in its acutest form. It quite goes to my heart
to hear the pathetic questions they put to newcomers: "How is London
looking? What shows are running now?" And they go on to speak of dear
dirty dark London, its beloved fogs, how adorable is the atrocious
climate of England, in a way that would bring tears to your eyes. Why
_don't_ they go back? you ask, _ma chère_. It's just because they want
to be "in at the death" and say they were here when _la paix était
signée_.

So these poor exiles continue to sacrifice themselves and drift
aimlessly about Paris, making it so full that there's scarcely room
for people like myself--who really _are_ on important work here--to
breathe.

Imagine! I met Eleanor Dashgood on the Boulevard Haussmann to-day,
descending from her car with her two poms yapping at her heels,
just as if she were _chez elle_. I really felt like saying something
pointed; but, after all, my only comment was, "My dear, what a
_strange_ lot of people one meets in Paris nowadays!"

"Yes, dearest," she said, "that just occurred to me, too." I'm
wondering now what the creature meant. Believe me, my dear, that
woman has illegally wangled a passport out of the authorities by
representing herself as her husband's typist--he's got a diplomatic
passport, you know. I inquired if the maid she had brought with
her had turned into a typist, too, to say nothing of the poms. The
_toupet_ of some people!

And, of course, all this unnecessary rabble is helping to make
everything _horriblement cher_. The price of things makes one's hair
stand on end like the quills of the fretful porcupine. I can assure
you that _le moindre petit dîner coûte les yeux de la tête_. Poor
Bobbie Lacklands had a _tragic_ experience yesterday. He said he quite
unthinkingly dropped into that most _recherché_ of eating places,
Fouquet's, for a snack. With only a modest balance at the bank he
ordered a sardine. Then he called for a _filet mignon_ and half-a-pint
of _vin rouge_--he was always a reckless spendthrift sort of boy, you
know. A cup of _café noir_ and an apple completed his financial ruin.

But he still declares that they were most awfully decent to him about
it. They agreed, with scarcely any trouble, to take all the notes and
loose silver he had with him on account. They accepted his securities
and are now allowing him to pay off the balance gradually.

Paris is beginning to think of dress once more, or I ought to say
undress, for with the skirts short and the sleeves short and the
bodice low there isn't _very_ much left to write about. I hope these
short tight skirts will reach the ankles before they reach England,
for I notice the people who have the courage to wear them generally
lack the excuse of symmetry.

_Figurez-vous!_ Jenny Bounceley, who considers herself quite a
_Parisienne_ now she's got her official _carte d'alimentation_,
appeared the other day in a skirt that resembled the _jupe_ of a
_gamine_. I think it's disgraceful in one of her age and proportions.
If she were simply knock-kneed; but, as Bertie says, she's
knock-ankled as well.

_Votre bien dévouée_,

ANNE.

       *       *       *       *       *

"RUMANIA. REDIDIVUS."

_East African Standard_.

To judge from the rumours of revolution, this false concord is only
too apt.

       *       *       *       *       *

    "Music was supplied and enjoyed by a local
    orchestra."--_Provincial Paper_.

This phenomenon has frequently been observed; the audience meanwhile
continuing its conversation.

       *       *       *       *       *

    "Colonel Sir Rhys Williams, who wore his khaki uniform, moved
    the Address in reply to the Speech from the Throne....

    It was not the glamour of war, Mr. Rhys Williams
    continued...."--_Evening Standard_.

It is refreshing to come across a case of really rapid demobilisation.

       *       *       *       *       *

    "A message from Vienna states that the Emperor Carl intends to
    be a candidate in the forthcoming elections for the Australian
    National Assembly."--_Australian Paper_.

But there is no truth in the rumour that, by way of reprisal, Mr.
HUGHES intends to put in for CARL's vacant throne.

       *       *       *       *       *

RIME FAIRIES.

  Last night about the country-side
    The nimble fairies flew,
  And forests on the latticed pane
    In quaint devices drew,
  The grasses standing straight and tall,
    The ferns with curious frond,
  And just a peephole left to show
    The misty world beyond.

  The voices of the murmuring streams
    They silenced one by one,
  And bound their feet with gleaming chains
    So they no more could run;
  They hung the icicles about,
    And you would laugh to see
  Just how they flung the diamonds down
    Upon the whole bare tree;
  And every little blade of grass
    A thing of beauty stood,
  And when they'd finished it was just
    Like an enchanted wood.

  They paused beside the old barn door;
    A spider's web hung there
  As fragile as a little dream,
    As delicate and fair;
  They decked it with a thousand gems
    Of oh! such dazzling sheen,
  It was the very loveliest thing
    That you have ever seen!

  The sun from his soft bed of cloud
    Came pale and timidly;
  He knew if he let loose his rays
    The mischief there would be;
  He woke the sleeping world to life
    With finger-tips of gold,
  And up from meadow, wood and stream
    The shimmering mists unrolled;
  He lit the candles of the dawn
    On every bush and tree;
  The fairies on their homing wings
    Looked back and laughed with glee,
  "We've made a Fairyland for you,
    O Mortals, wake and see."

       *       *       *       *       *

    "It is also extremely likely that the Democrats have induced
    a considerable number of former Centre voters in South Germany
    to join them."--_Christian World_.

"Democrats" would seem to be the German equivalent of "Home Rulers."

       *       *       *       *       *

Extract from a recent novel:--

    "She wore under it a white blouse of thin stuff, snowy white
    ... the big floppy sleeves gently bellowed in the slight
    breeze."

It sounds rather a loud dress. Possibly _le dernier cri_.

       *       *       *       *       *

    "It is like a red rag to a bull to the 'bus drivers to see
    those lorries running about picking up members of the public.

    We are trying to keep our heads, but our shoulders are bending
    under the pressure, and presently, I am afraid, we shall
    collapse and find ourselves in the vortex."--_Daily Paper_.

We should like to see this situation illustrated. Would some Vorticist
oblige?

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: THE MAN WHO GOT HIS MONEY'S WORTH.]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: _The Demobilised One_. "SEEMS FUNNY TO THINK THAT ONLY
LAST WEEK I WAS WALKING ABOUT LOOKING LIKE THAT, EH?"]

       *       *       *       *       *

LITERARY OPTIONS.

In these days of ever-increasing strikes it is suggested, for the
convenience of contributors to those magazines which of necessity
go to press some time in advance, that they should submit to editors
stories with interchangable situations:--

  Algernon Aimless rose { lazily } from the breakfast-table
                        { hastily}

  at { 9 A.M. } on a dark winter's morning { in order
     { 7 A.M. }                            { in preparation

  { to catch the 9.15 to his office in the City.        }
  { for his four-mile trudge to the City (Tube strike). }

  The { electric lights gleamed with dazzling brilliance           }
      { solitary candle shed a dismal light (Electricians' strike) }

  on the { well-polished } china, silver and table cutlery
         { neglected     }

  which { were the joy and pride of the admirable parlourmaid. }
        { no servants' hands had touched for weeks
            (Domestic servants' strike).                       }

  { had glanced casually at his letters.           }
  { had had no letters to read (Postmen's strike). }

  As he stood in the { spotlessly kept and charming } hall,
                     { dusty discomfort of the dark }

  arranging his { sleek well-brushed brown hair      }
                { long untidy hair (Barbers' strike) } before

  putting on his hat, Ermyntrude Aimless { glided  }
                                         { bounced }

  { gracefully down the staircase, clad in a charming
  { breathlessly up from the basement, wearing an old

  { _négligée_ of satin and lace.     }
  { over-all above her dressing-gown. }

  { "A handkerchief, dearest," she murmured. "I was afraid
  { "Your sandwiches, old thing," she gasped. "I believe

  you'd forgotten { to take one;" } and she held out in her
                  {  about 'em;"  }

  { white delicately--manicured hand a silk handkerchief
  { none-too-clean hand an untidy brown-paper parcel which

  { of palest mauve, exquisitely scented.       }
  { contained his luncheon (Restaurant strike). }

NOTE TO INTENDING AUTHORS.--This is not supposed to be a complete
story, but just gives you the idea.

       *       *       *       *       *

AT PARIS PLAGE.

  Oft have I begged the high gods for a boon,
  That they would bear me from the Flanders slosh
  Back to a desert _not_ made by the Bosch,
  The sunny Egypt that I left too soon.
  O silvery nights beneath an Eastern moon!
  O shirt-sleeved days! O small infrequent wash!
  O once again to see the nigger "nosh"
  The camel, rudely grunting (out of tune)!
  Loudly I called; the high gods hearkened not
  Till came the signal and the big guns ceased;
  But then they brought me to this sea-kissed spot,
  Heeded my prayer and gave me back at least
  One of the pleasures that of old I knew,
  For here once more there's sand within the stew.

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: GIVING HIM ROPE?

GERMAN CRIMINAL (_to Allied Police_). "HERE, I SAY, STOP! YOU'RE
HURTING ME! [_Aside_] IF I ONLY WHINE ENOUGH I MAY BE ABLE TO WRIGGLE
OUT OF THIS YET."]

       *       *       *       *       *

ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.

_Tuesday, February 11th_.--The KING's Speech outlined a programme
of legislation which would in the ordinary way occupy two or three
Sessions. But the Parliamentary machinery is to be ruthlessly speeded
up and "a short cut to the Millennium" is to be discovered by way
of the Committee-rooms. Precisians observed with regret that the
customary reference in the Speech to "economy" had by some oversight
been omitted; and the prospective creation of several additional
Departments led Lord CREWE to express apprehension lest the country
should be "doped" with new Ministries, to the detriment of the
national health.

[Illustration: THE OPPOSITION FREAK.

THE ADAMSON-MACLEAN COMBINATION.]

"Where are they gone, the old familiar faces?" was the question
one asked oneself on looking at the crowded benches of the House of
Commons. It was said of a Past President of the United States that he
was the politest man in America--"he gave up his seat in a street-car
and made room for four ladies." The gap made on the Front Opposition
Bench by the involuntary retirement of Mr. ASQUITH--to which generous
allusion was made by the PRIME MINISTER--is so vast that the joint
efforts of Sir DONALD MACLEAN and Mr. ADAMSON to fill it met with only
partial success. Unless, by the way, Mr. SPEAKER definitely decides
the problem of precedence, it is to be feared that the hoped-for
acceleration of business will not occur, for at present each of them
thinks it necessary to speak whenever the other does, like the hungry
lions on Afric's burning shore. For all their outward politeness I am
sure "the first lion thinks the last a bore"; and if they insist on
roaring together much longer the House will think it of both of them.

The corner-seat whence Mr. PRINGLE flung his barbed darts at the
Government is filled, physically, by Mr. STANTON. Lonely Mr. HOGGE now
sits uneasily upon the Front Opposition Bench, but, fearing perhaps
lest its dignified traditions should cramp his style, makes frequent
visits to the Lobby.

In accordance with ancient custom Sir COURTENAY ILBERT asserted the
right of the House to initiate legislation by calling out "Outlawries
Bill" in the middle of the SPEAKER's recital of the Sessional Orders.
Some of the new Members, I fancy, took the interruption seriously,
and thought that this was the outcome of the "Punish the KAISER."
movement.

The Mover and Seconder of the Address fully deserved the customary
compliments. Col. Sir RHYS WILLIAMS' quiet and effective style
explained his success as a picker-up of recruits; while Lt.-Commander
DEAN, V.C., though he faced the House with much more trepidation than
he did the batteries of Zeebrugge, got well home at the finish.

[Illustration: SOUTH HACKNEY'S CHAMPION.]

The lot of a Labour leader just now is not a happy one. Perhaps that
accounted for the querulous tone assumed by Mr. ADAMSON, who seemed
more concerned with the omissions in the KING's Speech than with its
contents. His best sayings were imported from America, but he would
have done better to content himself with LINCOLN and abjure BRYAN,
whose "cross-of-gold" fustian will not bear repetition.

After Sir DONALD MACLEAN had thoughtfully provided a welcome tea
interval the PRIME MINISTER rose to reply to his critics. The
accusation that he had forgotten some of his recent promises, such
as "No Conscription," "Punish the Kaiser," and "Germany must pay,"
did not trouble him much. If these election-eggs had hatched
out prematurely and the contents were coming home to roost at an
inconvenient moment he had no time to attend to them. What the country
most needs at the moment is a firm clear statement on the Labour
troubles, and that is what it got. So far as those troubles are due
to remediable causes they shall be remedied; so far as the demands of
Labour are based upon class-greed they shall be fought tooth and nail.
There were a few dissentient shouts from the Opposition Benches, but
the House as a whole was delighted when the PREMIER in ringing tones
declared that "no section, however powerful, will be allowed to hold
up the whole nation."

_Wednesday, February 12th_.--The Lords had a brisk little debate on
agriculture. Lord LINCOLNSHIRE paid many compliments to Lord ERNLE
for what he had accomplished as Mr. PROTHERO, but could not understand
why, having exchanged the green benches for the red, he should have
reversed his old policy, "scrapped" the agricultural committees and
begun to dispose of his tractors. Lord ERNLE, in the measured tones
so suitable to the Upper House, made a good defence of the change. The
chief thing wanted now was to "clean the land," where noxious weeds,
the Bolshevists of the soil, had been spreading with great rapidity.
As for the tractors, the Board thought it a good thing that the
farmers should possess their own, but would retain in its own hands
enough of them to help farmers who could not help themselves--not a
large class, I imagine, with produce at its present prices.

In the Commons an hour was spent in discussing the Government's
now customary motion to take all the time of the House. Up got Mr.
ADAMSON, to denounce it, now the War was over, as sheer Kaiserism. Up
got Sir DONALD MACLEAN to defend it as commonsense, though he induced
Mr. BONAR LAW to limit its duration to the end of March. Colonel
WEDGWOOD pleaded that private Members might still be allowed to bring
in Bills under the Ten Minutes' Rule; but that Parliamentary pundit,
Sir F. BANBURY, asserted that there was no such thing in reality as
the Ten Minutes' Rule, and pictured the possibility of whole days
being swallowed up by a succession of private Members commending their
legislative bantlings one after another with the brief explanatory
statement permitted on such occasions. Alarmed at the prospect Mr. LAW
decided not to admit the thin end of the WEDGWOOD.

[Illustration: ELEMENTARY ECONOMICS.]

The debate on the Address was resumed by Mr. BOTTOMLEY, who had a
large audience. During his previous membership, terminated by one of
those periodical visits to the Law Courts to which he made humorous
reference, he delivered some capital speeches; and it was pleasant
to find that the necessity of constantly producing "another powerful
article next week" has not caused him to lose his oratorical form.
His gestures are slightly reminiscent of the action of the common
pump-handle, but his voice is excellent, and his matter has the merit
of exactly resembling what our old friend "the Man in the Street"
would say in less Parliamentary language, He has no hesitations, for
example, on the subject of making Germany pay. By one of those rapid
financial calculations for which he is renowned he has arrived at
the comfortable figure of ten thousand millions sterling as Britain's
little bill; and if you express doubts as to the debtor's capacity
to pay he replies that he cannot recall any judge who made an order
against him ever prefacing his judgment with an inquiry whether it
would be convenient for him to find the money.

Payment in kind is Mr. RONALD McNEILL's prescription. Let Leipzig
library replenish the empty shelves of Louvain and the windows of
Cologne make good--so far as German glass can do it--the shattered
glories of Rheims.

Mr. CLYNES warned the Government against neglecting the legitimate
aspirations of Labour, one of which, he had the courage to affirm, was
access to more and better beer. He also sought a clear statement of
the Government's policy in Russia. This request was repeated by Sir
SAMUEL HOARE, who, having spent a year and a half during the War
in that distracted country, declared that "we must decide between
Bolshevists and anti-Bolshevists." Unfortunately that is exactly what,
according to the PRIME MINISTER's reply, we cannot do. The Allies
are not prepared to intervene in force; they cannot leave Russia to
stew in Her own hell-broth. The proposed Conference is admittedly a
_pis-aller_; and, if it ever meets, no one can feel very hopeful of a
tangible result from the deliberations of the Prinkipotentiaries.

_Thursday, February 13th_.--Labour unrest produced a capital debate,
in which Mr. BRACE, Mr. THOMAS and Mr. SEXTON made excellent speeches
on the one side, and Major TRYON, Mr. REMER (an employer and a
profit-sharer) and Mr. BONAR LAW were equally effective on the other.
Brushing aside minor causes the Leader of the House, in his forthright
manner, said the root of the matter was that "Labour wants a larger
share of the good things which are to be obtained in this world"--not
an unreasonable desire, he indicated, but one which would not be
permanently realised by strikes directed against the whole community.
Mr. SEDDON, of the National Democratic Party, compressed the same
argument into an epigram. If the miners' full demands were conceded
they would have "an El Dorado for one minute and disaster the next."

       *       *       *       *       *

FROST AND THAW.

I was earlier than usual that morning, which was bad luck, as I
heard Fitz-Jones click his gate behind me and thud after me in his
snow-boots. Fitz-Jones and I had a little disagreement, not long ago,
about the sole possession of a servant-maid. Since then there has
been a coolness. Curiously enough, the hideous frost that raged at the
moment (the thermometer stood at twenty-five degrees in the henhouse)
seemed to thaw Fitz-Jones. And I knew why.

Last summer Fitz-Jones had spent four torrid days with the thermometer
at 75 degrees, winding up his pipes in straw "against" the winter. I
had seen his purple face as I hammocked it with an iced drink. He had
seen and heard me laugh.

"Ah," he croaked, "you may laugh on the other side of the hedge now,
but you'll laugh on the other side of your face later."

So now I knew that he was thudding after me in the snow, bursting to
hear that my pipes had burst or were about to burst.

"Hallo, Browne," he began, "how'd you like this?"

"Oh, all right," I said airily. Here I did a wonderful step. Slide
on the right heel--hesitation shuffle on the left toe--two half
slips sideways. Wave both arms--backward bend. Recover.
Jazz--tangle--tickle-toe was nothing to it.

"Slippery, isn't it?" he said. "My flannel was frozen to the
wash-stand to-day--had to get it off with a chisel."

I was prepared for these travellers' tales. I knew he was leading up
to water-pipes.

"Couldn't get my cold tub," he went on; "frozen solid overnight."

I had heard of this cold tub before. "My tooth-brush froze on to my
teeth," I capped him; "the teapot spout was hung with icicles, and the
cat's tongue froze on to the milk when it was drinking."

"How about your pipes?" he began, "Who was right about wrapping?"

"Rapping," I said in well-feigned innocence--"rapping? Who rapped?
Rapped on what?"

That set him going.

I gathered when we reached the station there was a strike on. But we
found a milk-lorry travelling our way. So Smith had the entire use of
my right ear into which to say, "I told you so," for an hour, while we
travelled to the spot on which we win our bread. He had dragged from
me the fact that our hot-water tap had also struck. The milk cans
clattered. Smith chattered. So did my teeth.

When I got home that night our house seemed to be more handsomely
garnished with icicles than any other house I had seen that day.

"Keep the home fires burning!" I said to my wife on entering. "If need
be, burn the banisters and the bills and my boot-trees and everything
else beginning with a 'b.' Keep us thawed and unburst, or Fitz-Jones
will feel he has scored a moral victory; he will strut cross-gartered,
with yellow stockings, for the rest of his days."

"I don't know what you are talking about," said Evangeline, "but
Christabel and I" (Christabel is our general-in-command) "have been
cosseting those pipes all day. Been giving them glasses of hot water
and dressing them up in all our clothes. The bath-pipe is wearing my
new furs and your pyjamas, and I've put your golf stockings on the
geyser-pipe. I expect they'll all blow up. Come and look at the
hot-water cistern."

The cistern looked dressy in Evangeline's fur coat. I added my silk
hat to the geyser's cosy costume and a pair of boots on the bath-taps.
But I was told not to be silly, so took them off again.

I suggested that the geyser should go to a fancy-dress ball as "The
Winter of our Discontent," but was again told not to be silly.

Two days elapsed. The frost held. Then something happened.
Fitz-Jones's lady-help came round at 7.30 A.M. to borrow a drop of
water, as they were frozen up.

We lent them several drops, and I breathed again, and continued to
breathe, with snorts of derision.

Three days later the thaw came.

As I passed Fitz-Jones's house I was grieved to hear a splashing
sound. A cascade of water was spouting from his bathroom window.
Fitz-Jones himself was running round and round the house like a
madman, flourishing a water-key and trying to find the tap to the
main.

I begged him to be calm, to control himself for his wife's sake, for
all our sakes. I was most graceful and sympathetic about it.

But with the thaw Fitz-Jones had frozen again.

       *       *       *       *       *

    "Civil Servant requires house."--_Local Paper_.

On the other hand, many houses just now require a civil servant.

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: _Lady_. "YOU COME HERE BEGGING AND SAY YOU ARE NOT
EXPECTED TO DO ANY MORE WORK. I NEVER HEARD OF SUCH A THING."

_Tramp_. "THEN I'VE BEEN MISINFORMED, LIDY. I CERTAINLY 'EARD
THAT AFTER THE WAR ENGLAND WAS GOIN' TER BE A BETTER PLACE FER THE
LABOURING CLASSES."]

       *       *       *       *       *

PAST AND PRESENT.

(_AFTER_ T. HOOD.)

  I remember, I remember.
    The line where I was borne,
  The little platform where the train
    Came rushing in at morn;
  I used to take a little seat
    Upon the little train,
  But now before I get at it
    It rushes out again.

  I remember, I remember
    The 'buses red and white,
  The corner where they used to stop
    And take me home at night;
  They never gave a wink at me
    And shouted, "Full to-day,"
  But now I often wish that one
    Would carry me away.

  I remember, I remember
    The cabs we used to get,
  The growler from the "Adam Arms"
    (The horse is living yet);
  My spirit was impatient then,
    That is so meek to-day,
  And now I often think that that
    Would be the quickest way.

  I remember, I remember
    The lights against the sky;
  I used to think that London would
    Be closer by-and-by;
  It was a childish ignorance,
    But now 'tis little joy
  To know I'm farther from the Strand
    Than when I was a boy.

A.P.H.

       *       *       *       *       *

CUE TYPES.

At the present moment, when the billiard professionals are contesting
the palm and Mr. S.H. FRY has re-captured the title of amateur
champion seven-and-twenty years after he first won it, there is such
interest in the game that a kind of _Guide to Billiard Types_ cannot
but be of value. Hence the following classification of players who
are to be met with in clubs, country-houses or saloons by any ordinary
wielders of the cue. Any reader who has ever endeavoured to master
what may be called (by way of inversion) the Three Balls Art has power
to add to their number.

The player who, as he drops behind in the game, says so often that it
is months since h" touched a cue that your success is robbed of all
savour.

The player who is funny and calls the red the Cherry, the Robin, the
Cardinal or the Lobster.

The player who comes to the game as to a solemn ritual and neither
smiles nor speaks.

The player who keeps on changing his cue and blames each one in turn
for his own ineptitude.

The player who can use his left hand as well as his right: a man to be
avoided.

The player who whistles while he plays. This is a very deadly
companion.

The player who never has a good word for his opponent's efforts.

The player who congratulates you on every stroke: a charming
antagonist.

The player who is always jolly whatever buffets he receives from
fortune.

The player who talks about every one of his strokes.

The player who swears at most of them.

The player who doubts the accuracy of your scoring. Avoid this one.

The player who hits everything too hard. This is a very exasperating
man to meet because fortune usually favours him. Either he flukes
immoderately or he does not leave well. He is usually a hearty fellow
with no sense of shame. Perhaps he says "Sorry;" but he adds, "It must
have been on."

The player who hits everything too gently: the lamb as compared with
the previous type, who is a lion. The lamb is good to play with if you
prefer winning to a real contest.

The player who groans loudly when you make a fluke.

The player who is accustomed to play on a much faster table than this.

The player who calls the game Pills.

The player who calls it Tuskers.

The player who counts your breaks for you, but whether from interest
or suspicion you are not sure.

The player who pots the white when he should and says nothing about
it.

The player who pots the white when he should, with a thousand
apologies.

The player who pots the white when he shouldn't, with a thousand
apologies.

The player who is snappy with the marker.

The player who drops cigar ash on the cloth.

The player who hates to lose.

The player who would much rather that you won. This type is a joy to
play with, unless towards the end he too patently ceases to try.

The player who, after the stroke, tells you what you ought to have
done.

The player who talks to the balls, particularly to the red. "Now then,
red," he says, "don't go into baulk;" or, "Stop just by that pocket;"
or "White, don't go down."

The player who has just come from a spectacular match and keeps on
trying to reproduce that shot of STEVENSON's.

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: _Ministry Official_. "No NEED TO SCREEN THE LIGHTS
_NOW_, MY BOY. D'YOU THINK THE WAR'S STILL ON?"

_Infatuated Office Boy_. "I WAS JUST TRYING TO MAKE MISS JENKINS A BIT
OF TOAST, SIR."]

       *       *       *       *       *

    "In a licensing prosecution at ---- yesterday it was stated
    that one shilling was charged for a 'drop' of whisky of about
    one-sixth of a gallon."--_Daily Paper_.

In the interests of temperance we have suppressed the name of the town
at which this bargain was secured.

       *       *       *       *       *

CONTRACTS.

It was shortly after the commencement of the March offensive that
it was decided to open new munition works in Glenwhinnie, N.B. The
contract for building was offered to the well-known firm of McTavish,
McTurk & McThom, of Auchterinver.

They accepted. With thanks.

And so it came about that, early in April, Glenwhinnie, N.B. became
the scene of great activity. Men bearing strange instruments came and
took extensive measurements; large bodies of gentlemen in corduroys,
armed with powerful implements indicative of toil, arrived and smoked
clay pipes; a special light railway was rapidly constructed, and bore
colossal cranes and more gentlemen with clay pipes to the scene of
action. And Mr. McTurk went in person to open the proceedings.

In a speech pulsating with patriotism, Mr. McTurk exhorted his men to
do their best for their King and country, and show everybody what the
firm of McTavish, McTurk & McThom could do. He then departed, leaving
things in the hands of a dozen subordinates well tried and true ...

And so by the early days of June the work began ...

Came November 11th ...

November 20th it was decided that the new works in Glenwhinnie, N.B.,
would not be necessary after all.

What was to be done?

A special committee decided that the buildings should be demolished,
and the contract was offered to the well-known firm of McClusky,
McCleery & McClumpha, of Auchtermuchty.

They accepted. With thanks.

And so it came about that a second army of occupation descended upon
Glenwhinnie, N.B. Fresh bodies of gentlemen in corduroys and armed
with a rather different set of powerful implements arrived, and smoked
clay pipes. Another light railway was rapidly constructed, and Mr.
McCleery went in person to open the proceedings. In a speech full of
fervour ...

And so by early January the work commenced.

By this time Messrs. McTavish and Co. had got the buildings well in
hand. What was to be done? Leave their work uncompleted? Never! As
Mr. McThom pointed out with considerable emotion to his partners, a
contract was a contract all the world over.

If it ever came to be said that any firm he was interested in had
failed to fulfil a contract, he for one (Angus McThom) would never
hold up his head. The contract must be completed. It was a sacred
duty. Besides--a minor point--what about payment?

So Mr. McTurk was despatched to Glenwhinnie, N.B., where in a speech
of great power he pointed out the path of duty.

Amid scenes of enthusiasm the work went on apace.

And at the other end the well-known firm of McClusky, McCleery &
McClumpha tore down the buildings with equal enthusiasm.

And that is the state of affairs just now in Glenwhinnie, N.B. What
will happen when--as they are bound to do--the wreckers overtake the
builders is a matter for speculation. Mr. McTurk may make another
speech. Possibly Mr. McCleery may also exhort. There is promise of a
delicate situation.

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: "AND ARE YOU A GOOD NEEDLEWOMAN AND RENOVATOR, AND
WILLING TO BE USEFUL?"

"MADAM, I AM AFRAID THERE IS SOME MISUNDERSTANDING. I AM A LADY'S
MAID--NOT A USEFUL MAID."]

       *       *       *       *       *

THE STOICS OF THE SERPENTINE.

    I, for my part, admire
    The snug domestic fire,
  The comfortable hearth, the glowing coals,
    Nor in the least aspire
  To emulate those strong heroic souls
    Who get up while it's dark
    And haste to chill ablutions in Hyde Park.

    It can't be very nice
    To break the solid ice
  And, like a walrus, plunge into the deep;
    Then jump out in a trice,
  Dissevering the icicles as you leap,
    Even though the after-glow
    Of virtue melts the circumjacent snow.

    And we of milder mould,
    And we who're growing old,
  Wish they would wash, like other folk, elsewhere;
    It makes us feel quite cold
  To think of them refrigerating there;
    We shiver in our beds;
    Our pitying molars chatter in our heads.

       *       *       *       *       *

"THE DOVER PATROL.

    VINDICTIVE MEN AS PROGRAMME SELLERS."--_Times_.

After what men have suffered from the flag-day sex, no wonder they get
vindictive when they have a chance of retaliation.

       *       *       *       *       *

    "The causes of the engineers' strike in London are a little
    obscure, but the stoppage of the ten minutes allowed for tea
    before the 47-hour day was introduced brought the men out from
    one motor works."--_Provincial Paper_.

The great objection to a day of this length is that it gives so little
scope for overtime.

       *       *       *       *       *

    "The Association for the Betterment of the Highlands and
    Islands of the Free Church of Scotland have prepared and
    presented to the Secretary for Scotland a memorandum on the
    reconstruction of the Highlands."--_Scots Paper_.

We have always thought that judicious thinning of the more congested
views would help the tourist.

       *       *       *       *       *

    "The men who had watched the daily search set up a cheer,
    ffi---- ----fl."--_Sunday Paper_.

We hope the cheer was more hearty than it appears at first sight.

       *       *       *       *       *

A CONSULTATION.

    _Persons of the dialogue_: Arthur Pillwell, M.D., _a
    fashionable physician;_ Henry Swallow, _a patient. The scene
    is laid in_ Dr. Pillwell's _consulting-room--a solid room,
    heavily furnished. A large writing-table occupies the centre
    of the scene. There are a few prints on the walls; two
    bookcases are solidly filled with medical books._ Dr. Pillwell
    _is seated at the writing-table. He rises to greet his
    patient._

_Dr. P._ Good morning, Mr. ---- (_He looks furtively at a notebook
lying open on the table_) Mr.--ah--Swallow.

_Mr. S._ (_thinking to himself: Ought I to call this Johnnie "Doctor,"
or not? I'm told they're very particular about a thing like that.
Like a fool, I never gave it a thought. Still, I can't go so very far
wrong if I call him "Doctor." Besides, he's got to be called "Doctor"
whether he likes it or not. Here goes._) (_Aloud_) Good morning, Dr.
Pillwell. I've been troubled with some symptoms which I can't quite
make out. I think I described them in my letter. (_To himself: They
made several doctors Knights of the British Empire, and I'm almost
certain Pillwell was one of them. Sir John Pillwell. Yes, it sounds
all right; but I shan't call him "Sir John" because if he isn't a
knight he might think I was trying to make fun of him and then he
might retaliate by calling me "Sir Henry," and I should hate that_).
(_Aloud_) The chief symptoms are a steady loss of appetite and a
disinclination to work. I was recommended to consult you by my friend,
Mr. Bolter, as I think I explained in my letter.

_Dr. P._ It's curious how prevalent these symptoms are at the present
moment. I think, if you don't mind, I will begin by taking your
temperature.

    [_Produces clinical thermometer and gives it three good
    jerks._

_Mr. S._ (_to himself: There--I knew he'd want to put one of those
infernal machines in my mouth. I simply loathe the feeling of them,
and I'm always on the verge of crunching them up. Perhaps I ought to
warn him._) (_Aloud_) I'm afraid I'm not much good as a thermometer
man.

_Dr. P._ Oh, it's a mere trifle. All you've got to do is just to hold
it under your tongue. There--it's in.

_Mr. S._ (_talking with difficulty_). Ish i' in 'e ri' plashe?

_Dr. P._ Yes. But don't try to talk while it's in your mouth. I've had
patients who've bitten it in two. There--that's enough. (_Extracts it
deftly from patient's mouth and examines it._) Hum, hum, yes. A point
below normal. Nothing violently wrong _there_. (_He now performs the
usual rites and mysteries._) I'll make you out a little prescription
which ought to put you all right. And if you can spare a week, and
spend it at Eastbourne, I don't think it will do you any harm.

_Mr. S._ (_To himself: I like this man. He doesn't waste any time.
It's a curious coincidence that I should have been thinking this
very morning of arranging a visit to the seaside. Now of course I've
absolutely got to go. Can't disobey my new doctor, and wouldn't if I
could. By Jove, I'd all but forgotten about the two guineas fee. Yes,
the cheque's in my breast-pocket. Two guineas for the first visit.
The rule is not to give it too openly, but to slip it on to a desk
or table as if you were half ashamed of it. Where shall I put it so
as to make sure he spots it out of the corner of his eye? Ha! on the
blotting-pad, which I can just reach. Does it with his left hand, and
feels a man once more._)

_Dr. P._ And here's your prescription.

_Mr. S._ Thank you a thousand times. (_To himself: He's edging up to
the blotting-pad, and he'll have the cheque in another second._)

       *       *       *       *       *

TO A CHINESE COOLIE.

  O happy Chink! When I behold thy face,
    Illumined with the all-embracing smile
  Peculiar to thy celestial race,
    So full of mirth and yet so free from guile,
  I stand amazed and let my fancy roam,
    And ask myself by what mysterious lure
  Thou wert induced to leave thy flowery home
    For Flanders, where, alas! the flowers are fewer.

  Oft have I marked thee on the Calais quay,
    Unloading ships of plum-and-apple jam,
  Or beef, or, three times weekly, M. and V.,
    And sometimes bacon (very rarely ham);
  Or, where St. Quentin towers above the plain,
    Have seen thee scan the awful scene and sigh,
  Pick up a spade, then put it down again
    And wipe a furtive tear-drop from thine eye.

  And many a Sabbath have I seen thee stride
    With stately step across the Merville Square,
  Beaming with pleasure, full of conscious pride,
    Breaking the hearts of all the _jeunes filles_ there;
  A bowler hat athwart thy stubborn locks
    And round thy neck a tie of brilliant blue,
  Thy legs in football shorts, thy feet in socks
    Of silken texture and vermilion hue.

  Impassive Chu (or should I call thee "Chow"?),
    Say, what hast thou to do with all this fuss,
  The ceaseless hurry and the beastly row,
    The buzzing plane and roaring motor-bus,
  While far away the sullen Hwang-ho rolls
    His lazy waters to the Eastern Sea,
  And sleepy mandarins sit on bamboo poles
    Imbibing countless cups of China tea?

  A year ago thou digged'st in feverish haste
    Against the whelming onset of the Hun
  A hundred miles of trench across the waste--
    A year ago--and now the War is won;
  But thou remainest still with pick and spade,
    Celestial delver, patient son of toil!
  To fill the trenches thou thyself hast made
    And roll the twisted wire-in even coil.

  But not for thee the glory and the praise,
    The medals or the fat gratuity;
  No man shall crown thee with a wreath of bays
    Or recommend thee for the O.B.E.;
  And thou, methinks, wouldst rather have it so,
    Provided that, without undue delay,
  They let thee take thy scanty wage and go
    Back to thy sunny home in Old Cathay;

  Where never falls a shell nor bursts a bomb,
    Nor ever blows the slightest whiff of gas,
  Such as was not infrequent in the Somme,
    But on thy breast shall lean some slant-eyed lass;
  And she shall listen to thy converse ripe
    And search for souvenirs among thy kit,
  Pass thee thy slippers and thy opium pipe
    And make thee glad that thou hast done thy bit.

       *       *       *       *       *

"SELF MADE MAN

    Young widwep lady intelligent, wealthy wishing to remarie,
    wishes to make acquaintance in a Swiss Sportplace with a well
    situated english or american gentleman. Preference is given
    to a businessman, self made, with fine caracter aged 35-45
    handsome as the lady is it too."--_Swiss Paper_.

We foresee a rush of profiteers to the Alps.

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: _Sportsman_. "THEY DON'T SEEM VERY ANXIOUS TO HUNT
TO-DAY, TOM."

_Tom_ (_exasperated by a bad scenting day_). "POOR THINGS, THEY'VE
ALMOST FORGOT HOW TO; THEY'VE BEEN SO BUSY GETTIN' OUT OF THE WAY OF
YOU YOUNG OFFICER GENTS SINCE YOU CAME 'OME."]

       *       *       *       *       *

OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.

(_BY MR. PUNCH'S STAFF OF LEARNED CLERKS._)

Finding _Midas and Son_ (METHUEN) described on the wrapper as a tale
of "the struggle of a young man and his immense riches," I said to
myself (rather like _Triplet_ in the play) that here was a struggle at
which it would greatly hearten me to assist. As a fact, however, the
conflict proved to be somewhat postponed; it took Mr. STEPHEN McKENNA
more than two hundred pages to get the seconds out of the ring and
leave his hero, _Deryk_, face to face with an income of something over
a million a year. Before this happened the youth had become engaged
to a girl, been thrown over by her, experienced the wiles of Circe and
gone in more or less vaguely for journalism. Then came the income and
the question what to do with it. Of course he didn't know how to use
it to the best advantage; it is universal experience that other people
never do. But _Deryk_ impressed me as more than commonly lacking
in resource. All he could think of was to finance and share in an
archæological venture (rather fun), and to purchase a Pall Mall
club-house--apparently the R.A.C.--and do it up as a London abode for
himself and his old furniture. Also for his wife, as fortune had now
flung him again into the arms of his early love. But it is just here
that the subtle and slightly cruel cleverness of Mr. McKENNA's scheme
becomes manifest. The million-a-year had been at work on _Deryk_; it
had slain his capacity for romance. In plain words, he found that he
cared more for his furniture than for his _fiancée_, whose adoration
soon bored him to shrieking point. So there you are. I shall not
betray the author's solution of his own problem. I don't think
he has proved his somewhat obvious point as to the peril of great
possessions. _Deryk_ was hardly a quite normal subject, and
_Idina_ (the girl) was a little fool who would have irritated a
crossing-sweeper. But what he certainly has done is to provide some
scenes of pre-war London not unworthy to be companion pictures to
those in _Sonia_; and this, I fancy, will be good enough for most
readers.

       *       *       *       *       *

Its publishers call _The Pot Boils_ (CONSTABLE) a "provocative" book,
and certainly the title at least deserves this epithet. But I decline
to be drawn into the obvious retort. Besides, with all its faults, the
story exhibits an almost flaunting disregard of those qualities that
make the best seller. About the author I am prepared to wager, first,
that "STORM JAMESON" is a disguise; secondly, that the personality
behind it is feminine. I have hinted that the tale is hardly likely
to gain universal popularity; let me add that certain persons, notably
very young Socialists and experts in Labour journalism, may find it of
absorbing interest. It is a young book, almost exclusively about young
people, written (or I mistake) by a youthful hand. These striplings
and maidens are all poor, mostly vain, and without exception fulfilled
of a devastating verbosity. We meet them first at a "Northern
University," talking, reforming the earth, kissing, and again
talking--about the kisses. Thence they and the tale move to London,
and the same process is repeated. It is all rather depressingly narrow
in outlook; though within these limits there are interesting and
even amusing scenes. Also the author displays now and again a happy
dexterity of phrase (I remember one instance--about "web-footed
Socialists ... dividing and sub-dividing into committees, like worms
cut by a spade"), which encourages me to hope that she will do better
things with a scheme of wider appeal. But to the general, especially
the middle-aged general, the contents of her present _Pot_ will, I
fear, be only caviare.

       *       *       *       *       *

Little _Sara Lee Kennedy_, betrothed to one of those alert grim-jawed
young Americans one sees in the advertising pages of _The Ladies' Home
Journal_, learns of the suffering in Belgium at the beginning of the
great War and finds she must do something about it. She can cook, so
she will go and make soup for KING ALBERT's men. She takes her young
man's photograph and his surly disapproval; also a few dollars hastily
collected from her obscure township in Pa.; and becomes the good
angel of a shattered sector of the Belgian line. And she finds in _The
Amazing Interlude_ (MURRAY) her prince--a real prince--in the Secret
Service, and, after the usual reluctances and brave play (made for the
sake of deferring the inevitable) with the photograph of the old
love, is at last gloriously on with the new. It is a very charming
love-story, and MARY ROBERTS RINEHART makes a much better thing of the
alarms and excursions of war than you would think. It was no good, I
found, being superior about it and muttering "Sentiment" when you had
to blink away the unbidden tear lest your fireside partner should find
you out. So let me commend to you this idealised vision of a corner
of the great War seen through the eyes of an American woman of vivid
sympathies.

       *       *       *       *       *

_Rovers of the Night Sky_ (CASSELL) is for more reasons than one
a welcome addition to my rapidly bulging collection of books about
flying. "NIGHT HAWK, M.C.," was in the Infantry--what he calls
a "Gravel-Cruncher"--before he took to the air, and by no means
the least interesting part of his sketches is the way in which he
explains the co-operation which existed between the fliers and the men
fighting on the ground. And his delight when a bombing expedition was
successful in giving instant assistance to the Infantry is frequently
shown. After his training in England "NIGHT HAWK" was attached as an
observer to a night-flying squadron in France, and he tells us of
his adventures with no sense of self-importance but with an honest
appreciation of their value to the general scheme of operations. He
has also a keen eye for the humours of life, and can make his jest
with most admirable brevity. "Doubtless," he says in a foreword, "the
whole world will fly before many years have passed, but for the moment
most people have to be content to read about it." I am one of them,
and he has added to my contentment.

       *       *       *       *       *

My studies of recent fiction induce the belief that modern Wales
may be divided into two parts, in one of which the inhabitants call
each other _Bach_ and follow a code of morals that I simply will not
stoop to characterise; while the other is at once more Saxon in idiom
and considerably more melodramatic in its happenings. It is to the
latter province that I must assign _A Little Welsh Girl_ (HODDER AND
STOUGHTON), the Romance, with a big R, of _Dylis Morgan_, who pushed
an unappreciated suitor over a precipice and came to London to make
her fortune in revue. Really the suitor didn't go all the way down
the precipice; but as, by the time he recovered, _Dylis_, disguised,
had fled for England, he was promptly arrested for her murder, and
as _Dylis_ thought she had murdered him there was presently so much
confusion (increased for me by the hopelessly unpronounceable names
of a large cast) that I found it increasingly hard to keep the affair
in hand. As for _Dylis's_ theatrical career--well, you know how
these things are managed in fiction; for my part I was left wondering
whether Mr. HOWEL EVANS' pictures of Wales were as romantically
conceived as his conception of a West-End theatre. Though of course
we all know that Welsh people do sometimes make even more sensational
triumphs in the Metropolis; just possible indeed that this fact may
have some bearing on the recent flood of Cambrian fiction. Certainly,
if _A Little Welsh Girl_ achieves success on the strength of Mr. LLOYD
GEORGE's triumph, she may thank her luck, for I have my doubts whether
she could manage it unassisted.

       *       *       *       *       *

Of _Ladies Must Live_ (HODDER AND STOUGHTON) one may say, in the first
place, that it is fortunately unnecessary as well as unusual for
the bulk of them to live in the scalp and tomahawk atmosphere that
distinguishes the sexual and social rivalry of _Christine Fennimer_
and _Nancy Almar_, the two beautiful American Society dames whose duel
for the affections of the eligible hero form the plot, the whole plot
and nothing but the plot of Miss ALICE DUER MILLER's latest book.
Nature red in tooth and claw has not mothered them--they are too
well-bred for that; they simply bite with their tongues. _Mrs. Almar_,
who is married and purely piratical, comes off worst in the encounter,
and the more artful _Christine_, ultimately falling in love with the
object of her artifices, becomes human enough to marry him, despite
his lapse from financial eligibility. The plot is a thin one, but
smoothly and brightly unfolded. Unhappily Miss MILLER lacks the
gift of delicate satire and the sense of humour that the society
novel above all others seems to require. With a lighter and less
matter-of-fact treatment one would accept more easily the overdrawing
of her rather impossible felines.

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: _Man in the Air_. "ANOTHER OF THESE BEASTLY PIVOTAL
MEN!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

    "Sir Charles Sykes, Director of Wood Production, has conferred
    with representatives of each section of the tailoring trade,
    with a view to simplifying the regulations and making possible
    a larger output of Standard suits."--_Daily Paper_.

We look forward to the part that this new clothing will play in the
general scheme of afforestation.

       *       *       *       *       *

    "A lady visiting the town complained that she went to a
    licensed house and asked to be served with tea. She alleged
    that the licensee was very rude to her, and refused to grant
    her request. He [the Superintendent of Police] desired
    to point out to license holders that they were bound to
    provide proper accommodation and refreshment for man and
    beast."--_West-Country Paper_.

And we desire to point out to the Superintendent that that is not the
proper way to refer to a lady.