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PUNCH,

OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

VOL. 100.



March 28, 1891.




THE G.P.O. CUCKOO.

[Illustration]

  It was a gallant Postmaster that armed him for the fray,
  And, oh, his eyes were gleaming as he summoned his array;
  To North and South the message went, to W. and E.,
  And where, 'mid piles of ledgers, men make money in E.C.;
  From Highgate Hill to Putney one cry the echoes wakes.
  As the Postmen don their uniforms and shout aloud for RAIKES.

  "Brave Postmen," spake an officer, who gazed upon the throng,
  "Ye tramp the streets by day and night, your hours are very long;
  Yet since you love the G.P.O. that thus your feet employs,
  We must not see you flouted by a perky pack of hoys.
  Swift rally round the Master who quavers not nor quakes,
  Our Red Knight of the Pillar-Box, the adamantine RAIKES.

  "What? 'The Public want the Messengers'? We'll teach the Public sense,
  Which consists in looking pleasant while we pocket all their pence.
  Though the papers rave, we care not for their chatter and their fuss.
  They must keep at home their messages, or send them all through Us.
  And we'll crush these boy-intruders as a mongoose crushes snakes.
  They have sown, but we shall reap it--'tis the will of Mr. RAIKES."

         *       *       *       *       *

  But _Punch_ was there, and listened, and his angry face grew red,
  Like the tape that RAIKES delights in, and he shook his ancient head,
  "RAIKES," he cried, "I doubt your wisdom, and I much incline to scorn
  Those who trespass on their neighbour's land, and cart away his corn.
  Let the man who makes the oven and laboriously bakes
  Take the profit on the loaves he sells, nor yield it all to RAIKES.

  "You say you'll do the thing yourself: Monopoly decrees
  That, if boys go making honey, they must lose it, like the bees.
  But, oh, be warned, my Postmaster, it's not a pleasant thing
  To incur a bee's resentment and to suffer from its sting:
  And (to change my humble parallel) I like not him who takes
  A nest prepared by others, like the Cuckoo-Postman RAIKES!"

       *       *       *       *       *

SOUND AND SAFE.--We hear that Mr. W.H. GRIFFITHS is to be the new
Lessee of the Shaftesbury. Years ago, to the popular inquiry, "Who's
GRIFFITHS?" there was but one answer, "The Safe Man." Good omen for
the Shaftesbury.

       *       *       *       *       *

BAR BARRED!

    SCENE--_A Parliamentary Committee Room. Committee sitting
    at horse-shoe table. Bar crowded at table covered with
    plans, custards, buns, agreements, and ginger-beer. Huge
    plans hanging to walls. View in distance of St. Thomas's
    Hospital. East-West Diddlesex Railway Extension Bill under
    consideration. Expert Witness standing at reading-desk under
    examination_.

_Junior Counsel_ (_for Promoters_). You have told us that there is a
cutting at Burnt House Mill, coloured red in plan--in your opinion
do you think that the road passing; by Hoggsborough, coloured green,
could be so diverted as to avoid the necessity of throwing a bridge
over the River Crowe, coloured yellow?

_Expert Witness_ (_with great deliberation, and illustrating his
remarks by references to a large plan_). In my opinion I think the
necessity of building a bridge over the River Crowe may be avoided
by skirting the Swashbuckler Estate, and by making a new road that
would cross the proposed line by a level crossing at Twaddlecomb, and
ultimately reach Market Goosebury, coloured blue, by following the
course of the Raisensworth, coloured black.

_Junior Counsel_. Thank you--that will do. [_Sits down._

_First Cross-Examining Q.C._ (_suddenly entering from another
Committee Room, looking for his Junior--aside_). Where on earth have
we got to?

_Chairman of Committee_. Is this witness cross-examined?

_First C.-E. Q.C._ Certainly, Sir. Now I think you say that it is
necessary to make a bridge over the River Crowe, coloured red in plan?

_Expert Witness_. No; I say that if the Swashbuckler Estate is
skirted, &c., &c. [_Repeats the answer he has already given._

_Second Cross-Examining Q.C._ (_entering hurriedly, as his learned
brother sits down_). One moment, please. Now you say that it is
absolutely necessary to pass the River Crowe, in plan coloured red,
by a bridge?

_Expert Witness_. On the contrary, I say that if the Swashbuckler
Estate, &c., &c. [_Repeats his answer for the third time._

_Third C.-E. Q.C._ (_entering hurriedly, as his predecessor resumes
his seat_). And now, Sir, that my learned friends have asked you
_their_ questions, I have to ask you _mine_. Be kind enough to say,
for the benefit of the Right Hon. Chairman and the Hon. Members
of the Committee, whether, in your opinion, in the construction
of the proposed line, where the road reaches the neighbourhood
of--(_consulting plan_)--Market Goosebury, coloured blue in the
plan, and, as you will see, runs through the--(_inspects plan
closely_)--Swashbuckler Estate--yes, the Swashbuckler Estate--and
comes, as you will see, if you refer to the chart, near
Twaddlecomb--having now sufficiently indicated the locality, I
repeat, will you be kind enough to say whether, in your opinion, the
necessity of building a bridge over the River Raven--(_is prompted by
Junior_)--I should say, over the River Crowe--could be avoided?

_Chairman of Committee_ (_interposing_). I would suggest that, as
this question has been answered three times, the witness be excused
further examination at the hands of Counsel not present at the
examination-in-chief.

_First C.-E. Q.C._ (_warmly_). I consider this an infringement of the
privileges of the Bar. The Right Hon. Chairman must remember that it
is possible that a single reference in the examination-in-chief may
only require cross-examination on the part of the Clients whom we
represent. Besides, an expert witness's examination-in-chief is very
seldom shaken, and all we can possibly want is a note taken by a
learned friend who has acted as a Junior. All of us are occasionally
wanted elsewhere.

_Second C.-E. Q.C._ (_indignantly_). Yes; and how can we attend to our
Clients' interests if we are not allowed to be in two places at once?

_Third C.-E. Q.C._ (_furiously_). You have no right to act upon an
old ruling that was never enforced. Why, such a regulation would ruin
us--and many of us have wives and children!

    [_Exeunt defiantly, to return, later on, ready to brave
    imprisonment in the Clock Tower, if necessary, N.B.--Up to
    date the Tower is untenanted._

       *       *       *       *       *

"IN THE NAME OF THE LAW--PHOTOGRAPHS!"--MR. A. BRIEFLESS, Junr.,
having received a respectful invitation from some Brook Street
Photographers to favour them (without charge) with a sitting, "to
enable them to complete their series of portraits of distinguished
legal gentlemen," regrets to say that, as he has already sat for
another Firm making the same request (see _Papers from Pump-handle
Court_), he is unable to comply with their courteous request. However,
he is pleased to hear that a similar petition has been forwarded
to others of his learned friends, one of whom writes to say, he
"possesses a wig, and the right to wear it, but that there his
connection with the Law begins and ends." Mr. A. BRIEFLESS, Junr.,
wishes the industrious Firm every success in their public-spirited
undertaking.

       *       *       *       *       *

GOSCHEN CUM DIG.; OR, THE (FAR FROM) DYING SWAN.

(A LONG WAY AFTER LORD TENNYSON.)

[Illustration: "WHAT I LIKE ABOUT THIS RECESS IS ITS PERFECT QUIET!"]

    "Were I to go further into detail, I should show you that the
    floodgates of (financial) abuse have been opened even to a
    much larger extent than I have described. We are getting into
    a system under which Parliament is treated, and the country is
    treated, to the exhibition of fictitious surpluses of revenue
    over expenditure."--_Mr. Gladstone (at Hastings) on Mr.
    Goschen's Finance._

  I.

  The backwater was snug and fair,
  And the gay Canoeist cavorted there.
  Thinks he, "I have built up everywhere
    A reputation for pluck and stay!"
  Amidst the reeds the river ran;
  Behind them floated a Grand Old Swan,
        And loudly did lament
    The better deeds of a better day;
  Ever the gray Canoeist went on,
    Making his memos. as he went.

  II.

  "My foes are piqued, I must suppose,
  But cannot see their way to a 'Cry.'"
    (So mused the man with the Semite nose,
        As up the backwater he swept.)
  "What I like" (said he) "in this nook so shy,
  Is that I am quiet, and free as a swallow,
  Squaring accounts at my own sweet will.
  With never a fear of the Big Swan's Bill!
  The Swan's as quiet as though he slept.
  I fancy I've funked the fierce old fellow!"

  III.

  The Grand Old Swan came out of his hole,
  Snorting with furious joy.
  Hidden by rushes he yet drew near,
  Behind the Canoeist, until on his ear
  Those snortings fell, both full and clear.
  Floating about the backwater shy,
  Stronger and stronger the shindy stole,
  Filling the startled Canoeist with fear;
  And the jubilant jobating voice,
  With menaces meaning and manifold,
  Flowed forth on a "snorter" clear and bold
  (As when a party-procession rejoice
  With drums, and trumpets, and with banners of gold),
  Until the Canoeist's blood ran cold,
  And over his paddle he crouched and rolled;
  And he wished himself from that nook afar
  (If it were but reading the evening star):
  And the Swan he ruffled his plumes and hissed,
  And with sounding buffets, which seldom missed,
  He walloped into that paddler gay
  (Bent on enjoying his holiday).
  He smote him here, and he spanked him there,
  Upset his "balance," rumpled his hair.
  "I'll teach you," he cried, with pounding pinions,
  "To come intruding in _my_ dominions!"
  And the frightened flags, and the startled reeds,
  And the willow-branches hoar and dank,
  And the shaking rushes and wobbling weeds,
  And the wave-worn horns of the echoing bank,
  And the Grand Old Swan's admiring throng
  (Who yelled at seeing him going so strong)
  Were flooded and fluttered by that Stentor song!

       *       *       *       *       *

THE PROPOSED OLD ETONIAN BANQUET.--"_Floreat Etona!_" by all means,
and may "HENRY's holy shade" never be less! But doesn't it seem rather
like a contradiction in terms, for Old Etonians to sit down to an
Eaten Dinner?--Yours, once removed,

A SIXTH-FORMOSUS PUER.

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: FORM!

"GOOD HEAVENS! WHAT A SWELL! WHAT IS IT? TEA-FIGHT? WEDDING
BREAKFAST?"

"OH NO; ONLY GOING TO MY TAILOR'S. _MUST_ BE DECENTLY DRESSED WHEN
I GO TO SEE _HIM_. HE'S SO BEASTLY CRITICAL!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

ABOUT THE COURT.

At the Royal Court Theatre, which, as I read on the illustrated
House Programme, is "Licensed by the London County Council to the
Proprietors, Mrs. JOHN WOOD and Mr. A. CHUDLEIGH,"--is the LORD
CHAMBERLAIN out of it in this quarter? (how can there be a Court
without a Lord Chamberlain?), and, "under which king, Bezonian?" Was
it in the days of _The Happy Land?_--but no matter. To resume. At the
aforesaid Court Theatre is now being performed an original Farce,
in Three Acts, written by Mr. R.R. LUMLEY. Ah! Ah! LUMLEY, this
isn't quite up to your other piece, _Aunt Jack._ Mrs. JOHN WOOD
is invaluable, and keeps the game alive throughout; while ARTHUR
CECIL's _Duke of Donoway_--not a Comedy Duke, but a Duke in farcical
circumstances--is excellent. WEEDON GROSSMITH is funny, but in
make-up, tone of voice, and mannerisms, the part seems mixed up with
one or two others that he has played, and is very far from being in
the same category with _Aunt Jack's_ crushed Solicitor. BRANDON THOMAS
as _Captain Roland Gurney, R.N._, is very natural. _The Office Boy_
of Master WILSON and the little _Gridd_ of Master WESTGATE (very near
Birchington when the boy is in Mrs. WOOD's hands), are capital. Miss
CARLOTTA LECLERCQ's _Duchess_ is equal to the occasion. The two girls'
parts are unnatural and uninteresting. What ought to make the success
of the piece is the scene where WEEDON GROSSMITH volunteers to sing
"_The Wolf_," and everyone talks and chatters until the Babel ends
in an explosion. It convulses the house with laughter; and if this
situation had been so contrived,--as it might have been, allow me
to say,--as to end the Act, the Curtain falling on the climax, the
dashing down of the enraged musician's song and the exit of the
Duke, the run of _The Volcano_ would have been insured from now to
Christmas. Is it too late to retrieve this? To quote the title of
one of ANTHONY TROLLOPE's novels, "I say No!" There is so much that
is genuinely funny in the piece, that if the alteration is done
with a will, _hic et nunc_, why within a week the piece could be
fixed securely in its place for the London season, and beyond it.
Let funny little WEEDON reconsider his make-up, and come out as
the flaxen-headed M.P. of a Saxon constituency. And a word in his
ear,--SOTHERN fashioned _Lord Dundreary_ out of a worse part than
this. _The Volcano_ shouldn't "bust up." That's my opinion, as

A FRIEND AT COURT.

       *       *       *       *       *

A SCHOOL OF CRITICISM.

From the _Queen_. A Correspondent writes:--

"JOURNALISM.--I want to become a Dramatic Critic; how should I begin?
I am fond of going to the theatre, but find it difficult to remember
the plot of the play afterwards. What kind of notices do Editors
prefer?--_Histrionica_."

Isn't it Mr. DAVID ANDERSON who has set up a flourishing School for
Journalists? Why shouldn't there be a School for Critics? The Master
would take his pupils to the Theatre regularly, and could lecture on
the Play as it proceeded. Should Managers and Actors be so blind to
the best interests of their Art as to refuse to allow the play to be
stopped from time to time to allow of the Instructor's remarks, then
he would have to wait until after each Act, and retire with his pupils
into some quiet corner of the Refreshment-room, where he could give
his lecture. Or teacher and pupils could hear a Scene or an Act every
night,--and if they paid for their places (a reduction being made
for a quantity), the particular drama they patronised would be
considerably benefited by this plan.

There might be a uniform or an academic costume for these critical
scholars--say Shakspearian collars, Undergraduate gown, and portable
mortar-board, to fold up, and be sat upon. There might be a row
reserved for them at the back of the Dress Circle, and twenty-five
per cent. reduction on tickets for a series. The M.C., or Master of
Critics, would take a fee for a course from each pupil. Fee to include
seat at theatre, instruction, _and supper afterwards_.

       *       *       *       *       *

IMPORTANT CONTRIBUTION TOWARDS THE UNIVERSAL LANGUAGE,--"Hallo!"
being the recognised telephonic summons in use between companies
and individuals of all nationalities, may be already considered as
"Hallo'd by a variety of associations."

       *       *       *       *       *

MR. PUNCH'S POCKET IBSEN.

(_CONDENSED AND REVISED VERSION BY MR. P.'S OWN HARMLESS IBSENITE._)

NO. I.--ROSMERSHÖLM (CONCLUDED.)

ACT III.

    _Sitting-room at Rosmershölm. Sun shining outside in the
    Garden. Inside REBECCA WEST is watering a geranium with
    a small watering-pot. Her crochet antimacassar lies in
    the arm-chair. Madam HELSETH is rubbing the chairs with
    furniture-polish from a large bottle. Enter ROSMER, with his
    hat and stick in his hand. Madam HELSETH corks the bottle
    and goes out to the right._

_Rebecca_. Good morning, dear. (_A moment after--crocheting._) Have
you seen Rector KROLL's paper this morning? There's something about
_you_ in it.

_Rosmer_. Oh, indeed? (_Puts down hat and stick, and takes up paper._)
H'm! (_Reads--then walks about the room._) KROLL _has_ made it hot for
me. (_Reads some more._) Oh, this is _too_ bad! REBECCA, they _do_ say
such nasty spiteful things! They actually call me a renegade--and I
can't _think_ why! They _mustn't_ go on like this. All that is good in
human nature will go to ruin if they're allowed to attack an excellent
man like me! Only think, if I can make them see how unkind they have
been!

_Reb._ Yes, dear, in that you have a great and glorious object to
attain--and I wish you may get it!

_Rosmer_. Thanks. I think I shall. (_Happens to look through window,
and jumps._) Ah, no, I shan't--never now. I have just seen--

[Illustration]

_Reb._ _Not_ the White Horse, dear? We must really not overdo that
White Horse!

_Rosmer_. No--the mill-race, where BEATA--(_Puts on his hat--takes it
off again._) I'm beginning to be haunted by--no, I _don't_ mean the
horse--by a terrible suspicion that BEATA may have been right after
all! Yes, I do believe, now I come to think of it, that I must really
have been in love with you from the first. Tell me _your_ opinion.

_Reb._ (_struggling with herself, and still crocheting._) Oh--I can't
exactly say--such an odd question to ask me!

_Rosmer_ (_shakes his head_). Perhaps; I have no sense of humour--no
respectable Norwegian _has_--and I _do_ want to know--because, you
see, if I _was_ in love with you, it was a _sin_, and if I once
convinced myself of that--

    [_Wanders across the room._

_Reb._ (_breaking out_). Oh, these old ancestral prejudices! Here is
your hat, and your stick, too; go and take a walk.

    [ROSMER takes hat and stick, first, then goes out and takes
    a walk; presently Madam HELSETH appears, and tells REBECCA
    something. REBECCA tells _her_ something. They whisper
    together. Madam H. nods, and shows in Rector KROLL, who
    keeps his hat in his hand, and sits on a chair._

_Kroll_. I merely called for the purpose of informing you that I
consider you an artful and designing person, but that, on the whole,
considering your birth and moral antecedents, you know--(_nods at
her_)--it is not surprising. (_REBECCA walks about, wringing her
hands_) Why, what _is_ the matter? Did you really not know that you
had no right to your father's name? I'd no _idea_ you would mind my
mentioning such a trifle!

_Reb._ (_breaking out_). I _do_ mind. I am an emancipated enigma,
but I retain a few little prejudices still. I _don't_ like owning
to my real age, and I _do_ prefer to be legitimate. And, after your
information--of which I was quite ignorant, as my mother, the late
Mrs. GAMVIK, never _once_ alluded to it--I feel I must confess
everything. Strong-minded advanced women are like that. Here is
ROSMER. (ROSMER _enters with his hat and stick._) ROSMER, I want to
tell you and Rector KROLL a little story. Let us sit down, dear,
all three of us. (_They sit down, mechanically, on chairs._) A long
time ago, before the play began--(_in a voice scarcely audible_)--in
Ibsenite dramas, all the interesting things somehow _do_ happen before
the play begins--

_Rosmer_. But, REBECCA, I _know_ all this. KROLL--(_looks hard at
her_). Perhaps I had better go?

_Reb._ No--I will be short--this was it. I wanted to take my share
in the life of the New Era, and march onward with ROSMER. There
was one dismal, insurmountable barrier--(_to ROSMER, who nods
gravely_)--BEATA! I understood where your deliverance lay--and I
acted. _I_ drove BEATA into the mill-race ... There!

_Rosmer_ (_after a short silence_). H'm! Well, KROLL--(_takes up his
hat_)--if you're thinking of walking home, I'll go too. I'm going to
be orthodox once more--after _this_!

_Kroll_ (_severely and impressively, to_ REB.). A nice sort of young
woman _you_ are! [_Both go out hastily, without looking at REB._

_Reb._ (_speaks to herself, under her breath_). Now I _have_ done it.
I wonder _why_. (_Pulls bell-rope._) Madam HELSETH, I have just had a
glimpse of two rushing White Horses. Bring down my hair-trunk.

    [_Enter Madam H., with large hair-trunk, as Curtain falls._

ACT IV.

    _Late evening. REBECCA WEST stands by a lighted lamp, with a
    shade over it, packing sandwiches, &c., in a reticule, with a
    faint smile. The antimacassar is on the sofa. Enter ROSMER._

_Rosmer_ (_seeing the sandwiches, &c._). Sandwiches? Then you _are_
going I Why, on earth,--I _can't_ understand!

_Reb._ Dear, you never _can_. Rosmershölm is too much for me. But how
did you get on with KROLL?

_Rosmer_. We have made it up. He has convinced me that the work of
ennobling men was several sizes too large for me--so I am going to let
it alone--

_Reb._ (_with her faint smile_). There I almost think, dear, that you
are wise.

_Rosmer_ (_as if annoyed_). What, so _you_ don't believe in me either,
REBECCA--you never _did! [Sits listlessly on chair._

_Reb._ Not much, dear, when you are left to yourself--but I've another
confession to make.

_Rosmer_. What, _another_? I really can't stand any more confessions
just now!

_Reb._ (_sitting close to him_). It is only a little one. I bullied
BEATA into the mill-race--because of a wild uncontrollable-- (_ROSMER
moves uneasily._) Sit still, dear--uncontrollable fancy--for _you_!

_Rosmer_ (_goes and sits on sofa_). Oh, my goodness, REBECCA--you
_mustn't_, you know!

    [_He jumps up and down as if embarrassed._

_Reb._ Don't be alarmed, dear, it is all over now. After living alone
with you in solitude, when you showed me all your thoughts without
reserve,--little by little, somehow the fancy passed off. I caught
the ROSMER view of life badly, and dulness descended on my soul as an
extinguisher upon one of our Northern dips. The ROSMER view of life is
ennobling, very--but hardly lively. And I've more yet to tell you.

_Rosmer_ (_turning it off_). Isn't that enough for one evening P

_Reb._ (_almost voiceless_). No, dear. I have a Past--_behind_ me!

_Rosmer_. _Behind_ you? How strange. I had an idea of that sort
already. (_Starts, as if in fear._) A joke! (_Sadly._) Ah, no--_no_,
I must not give way to _that_! Never mind the Past, REBECCA; I
once thought that I had made the grand discovery that, if one is
only virtuous, one will be happy. I see now it was too daring, too
original--an immature dream. What bothers me is that I can't--somehow
I _can't_--believe entirely in you--I am not even sure that I _have_
ennobled you so very much--_isn't_ it terrible?

_Reb._ (_wringing her hands_). Oh, this killing doubt! (_Looks darkly
at him._) Is there anything _I_ can do to convince you?

_Rosmer_ (_as if impelled to speak against his will_). Yes, one
thing--only I'm afraid you wouldn't see it in the same light. And
yet I must mention it. It is like this. I want to recover faith in
my mission, in my power to ennoble human souls. And, as a logical
thinker, this I cannot do now, unless--well, unless you jump into the
mill-race, too, like BEATA!

_Reb._ (_takes up her antimacassar, with composure, and puts it on her
head_). Anything to oblige you.

_Rosmer_ (_springs up_). What? You really _will_! You are _sure_ you
don't mind? Then, REBECCA, I will go further. I will even go--yes--as
far as you go yourself!

_Reb._ (_bows her head towards his breast_). You will see me off?
Thanks. Now you are indeed an Ibsenite.

    [_Smiles almost imperceptibly._

_Rosmer_ (_cautiously_). I said as far as _you_ go. I don't commit
myself further than that. Shall we go?

_Reb._ First tell me this. Are _you_ going with _me_, or am _I_ going
with _you_?

_Rosmer_. A subtle psychological point--but we have not time to think
it out here. We will discuss it as we go along. Come!

    [_ROSMER takes his hat and stick, REBECCA her reticule, with
    sandwiches. They go out hand-in-hand through the door, which
    they leave open. The room (as is not uncommon with rooms in
    Norway) is left empty. Then Madam HELSETH enters through
    another door._

_Madam H._ The cab, Miss--not here! (_Looks out._) Out together--at
this time of night--upon my--_not_ on the garden-seat? (_Looks out of
window._) My goodness! _what_ is that white thing on the bridge--the
_Horse_ at last! (_Shrieks aloud._) And those two sinful creatures
running home!

    _Enter ROSMER and REBECCA, _out of breath._

_Rosmer_ (_scarcely able to get the words out_). It's no use,
REBECCA--we must put it off till another evening. We can't be expected
to jump off a footbridge which already has a White Horse on it. And,
if it comes to that, why should we jump at all? I know now that I
really _have_ ennobled you, which was all _I_ wanted. What would
be the good of recovering faith in my mission at the bottom of a
mill-pond? No, REBECCA--(_lays his hand on her head_)--there is no
judge over us, and therefore--

_Reb._ (_interrupting gravely_). We will bind ourselves over in our
own recognisances to come up for judgment when called upon.

    [_Madam HELSETH holds on to a chair-back, REBECCA finishes
    the antimacassar calmly as Curtain falls._

       *       *       *       *       *

A GRAND OLD WETTERUN!

I ain't bin werry well lately, and, to crown the hole, I was cort in
the Lizzard, I think, as they called it, on that awful Munday nite,
and that was pretty nearly a settler for both my old bones and my
breth, and might ha' bin quite so, if one of the werry kindest Members
of the old Copperashun as I nos on, who had bin a dining with a
jolly party on 'em, hadn't kindly directed my notise to about a harf
bottle-full of werry fine old Port, with the remarkabel kind words,
"That's just about what you wants, Mr. ROBERT, to take you ome safely
this most orful nite!" And so it were, and I didn't waste a single
drop on it.

[Illustration: The "Tipper's" Strike.]

However, I was obligated to have a good long rest, which I took out
mostly in sleep; but, jest as I was preparing to set out for the
"Grand Hotel," in comes my Son; and he says to me, "Guvnor," says
he--I notise as he allers calls me Guvnor when he wants me to do
sumthink--"I wants you to do me the favour to ask _Mr. Punch_ for
to do you a favour." "Why, what do you mean?" says I. "Why, this is
what I means," says he. "About the grandest feller as ewer in the
hole world gave up fifty years of his useful life to trying to make
hundreds of stupid boys into clever boys, and hundreds of bad boys
into good boys, and hundreds of dull boys into witty boys, is a going
for to have a testymonial given him by sum of them hundreds of boys,
me among 'em, to sellybrate his Jewbilly, same as the QUEEN had the
other day. Ewery one of us as lives in London will jump at the chance;
but the boys as he turns out from the great City of Lundon Skool is
such reel fust-raters, that they gits snapped up direckly by Merchants
and peeple, and sent all over the werld for to manidge their warious
buzzinesses there, so we don't know how to get at 'em; but as _Mr.
Punch_ goes wherever any smart, clever English chap goes, if he wood
most kindly let this littel matter be mentioned, the grandest, and
sucksessfullest, ay, and wittiest Skool Master of modern times wood
get his dew reward."

So says my Sun, and prowd I was to lissen to his words; and this is
what I can add to them from my own knowlidg. There's sum of the old
boys, as isn't quite as yung as when they left Skool, as has formed a
club to dine together sumtimes, and tork of old times, like senserbel
fellers as they is; and Mr. JOSEPH HARRIS, the gennelman in question,
is allers there, and allers has to make a speech, and I am amost
allers there too; and, to hear the joyful shouts of arty welcome with
which his old pupils greets him when he rises for to speak, and their
roars of larfter at his wit, and his fun, and his good-humer, while he
is a speaking, is so wery remarkabel, that I sumtimes wanders whether
it doesn't, a good deal of it, rise from the fact of his great School
being so close to _Mr. Punch's_ own horfice. But this is over the way,
as the great writer says. May I be alowd to had that my speshal frend,
and hewerybody's speshal frend, Mr. COOKE, is reddy to receive any
number of subskripshuns at 30, New Bridge Street, E.C.

ROBERT.

       *       *       *       *       *

A NEW PROVIDENCE.--"My life is in your hands," as the Autobiographist
said to his Publisher.

       *       *       *       *       *

THE JOLLY YOUNG WATERMAN.

(_LATEST VERSION; SUGGESTED BY A CASE AT THE LONDON SESSIONS._)

  And did you not hear of a jolly young Waterman,
    Who on the river his wherry did ply?
  When rowing along with great skill and dexterity,
    A Cask of Madeira it caught his pleased eye.
  It looked so nice, he rowed up steadily,
  Transferred that cask to his boat right readily;
  And he eyed the dear drink with so eager an air,
  For the name on the cask not a jot did he care.

  When smart EDDARD SAILL got that cask in his wherry,
    He cleaned it out--partly--with swiggings not small,
  And with his companions--what wonder?--made merry;
    Madeira's a wine that's not tippled by all.
  One fancies one hears 'em a laughing and cheering,
  Says EDDARD, "My boys, this is better than beering!
  A Waterman's life would be free from all care
  If he often dropped on treasure trove like that there."

  And yet but to think now how strangely things happen!
    They copped him for "larceny by finding,"--that's all!
  But SAILL couldn't read, and the jury was kindly,
    So EDDARD got off, though his chance appeared small.
  Now would this young Waterman keep out of sorrow,
  No derelict casks let him--shall we say, borrow?
  Madeira is nice, but you'd best have a care,
  Before swigging the wine, that it's yours fair and square!

       *       *       *       *       *

OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.

_The Childhood and Youth of Dickens_, a sort of short postscript to
FORSTER's Life, very well got up by its publishers HUTCHINSON & Co.,
will interest those who for the third or fourth time are going through
a course of DICKENS.

[Illustration]

The Baron is an amateur of pocket-books and note-books. The best
pocket-book _must_ contain a calendar-diary, and as little printed
matter, and as much space for notes, as possible. No pocket-book
is perfect without some sort of patent pencil, of which the
writing-metal, when used on a damp surface, will serve as well as do
pen and ink on ordinary paper. Such a pocket-book with such a pencil
the Baron has long had in use, the product of JOHN WALKER & Co., of
Farringdon House. It should be called _The Walker Pocket-book, or
Pedestrian's Companion_; for, as "He who runs may read," so, with
this handy combination, "He who walks may write." The Baron is led to
mention this _à propos_ of a novelty by T.J. SMITH AND DOWNES, called
_The Self-registering Pocket Note-book_, a very neat invention, _quâ_
Note-book only, but of which only one size has the invaluable patent
pencil. The ordinary pencil entails carrying a knife, and, though
this is good for the cutler--"I know that man, he comes from
Sheffield"--yet it is a defect which is a constant source of worry
to the ordinary note-taker. Otherwise, Messrs. SMITH AND DOWNES'
artfulness in making the pencil serve as a marker, so that the latest
note can at once be found, is decidedly ingenious, and may probably be
found most useful. _Experientia docet: Baronius tentabit._

While on the subject of pocket-books, the Baron must thank Messrs.
CASSELL & Co. for the pocket volumes of the _National Library_ edited
by HENRY MORLEY, and ventures to recommend as a real travelling
companion, _Essays, Civil and Moral, by Francis Bacon_. In the
eighteenth Essay "Of Travel," the chief Diarists, "LETTS AND SON,"
might find a motto for _their_ publications. The Baron directs their
attention to this side of BACON from which this is a slice,--"_Let
Diaries, therefore, be brought in use_." A new reading for advertising
purposes would change "Let" into "Letts," or Letts could be
interpolated in brackets. "A cheeky way of treating BACON," says the
Baron's friend little FUNNIMAN (Author of _Funniman's Poor Jokes_);
but, if nothing worse than this can be said against the Baron's
suggestion, why, "Letts adopt it," says

THE BARON DE BOOK-WORMS.

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: MOMENTS WHEN LIFE IS REALLY WORTH LIVING.

(_The Annual Visit to the Family Dentist._)

"WELL, MY DEAR YOUNG LADY, I'VE LOOKED VERY CAREFULLY, AND THERE'S
ABSOLUTELY NOTHING FOR ME TO DO TO YOU THIS YEAR!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

PRIVATE AND CONFIDENTIAL.

    "In the words of the Postmaster-General, spoken yesterday
    (March 18th) from his room in St. Martin's-le-Grand, and
    distinctly heard by the head of a corresponding department
    in Paris, the triumph of the International Telephone is an
    accomplished fact."--_Daily News_.

  _Hallo!--are you there_? That's the cue international,
    Henceforth we'll hope, and we trust it may lead
  To colloquies pleasant, relations more rational.
    May "saucers" and tubes telephonic succeed
  In setting the world "by the ears," in a fashion
    Not meant by the men who invented that phrase.
  May nail-biting nagging and rancorous passion
                Die out, like a craze!

  Why, bless us, and save us! We _ought_ to behave us
    A little bit better for all our new light.
  From incurable savagery nothing can save us
    If Science can't cool down our fondness for fight.
  With so many chances of "talking things over,"
    Like comrades in council, across the broad sea,
  Nations ought to be nice, as a girl and her lover
                At five o'clock tea!

  Eh? _Vox et præterea nihil_? What matter
    How close ears may seem if the hearts are apart?
  Humph! Nothing go easy as cynical chatter;
    Distrust's diplomatic, and satire sounds "smart."
  But, as RAIKES suggests, there _is_ something in hearing
    The "great human voice" o'er some three hundred miles,
  In spite of the scorn that's so given to sneering,
                The hate that reviles.

  One wonders what TALLEYRAND, subtle old schemer!
    Would think of the Telephone were _he_ alive.
  Wits sniff at the _savant_, and mock at the dreamer,
    Who else, though, so hard for humanity strive?
  BELLONA's sworn backers are woefully numerous;
    Peace, let us pray, may claim this as _her_ friend;
  The "Sentiment" flouted by swashbucklers humorous
                Sways, at the end.

  If language was given our thoughts for concealing,
    The Telephone--'tis but a travelling Voice!--
  Need not be the agent of reckless revealing,
    And caution must often be candour's wise choice.
  Unwisdom is sure to be sometimes caught napping,
    And tongues may wag foolishly e'en through the wire.
  Facilities freer for summary snapping
                No sage can desire.

  Great diplomats, proud of their "able dispatches,"
    From trusting the tube with their wisdom may shrink.
  The brain that in secret shrewd policies hatches,
    May not care to canvas 'cute schemes "o'er a drink."
  Yet times must be many when sense will be winner
    By chatting of trifles, which nations have riled,
  As freely as though _vis-à-vis_ at a dinner,
                And carefully "tiled."

  Now England and France can thus gossip together,
    And CARNOT and SALISBURY thus hob-a-nob,
  We'll hope for set-fair international weather.
    Our RAIKES and their ROCHE appear well "on the job."
  The Telephone's triumph at least is not sinister.
    Things should go easier somehow--with care,
  When patriot Minister greets patriot Minister,
                "_Hallo!--are you there?_"

       *       *       *       *       *

ANOTHER TELEPHONIC SUGGESTION.--Connect the Theatres and Opera Houses
by Telephone with all the Clubs. On payment of a fixed charge, any
member should be able to hear just as much of the piece or Opera as he
might require. Something above the price of a Stall to be the maximum
charge for one person to hear entire Opera. For half the Opera, say
six shillings; for a quarter of it, three-and-six. For hearing one
song in it, eighteen-pence; and, if certain songs be in great demand,
the prices could be raised.

       *       *       *       *       *

EPIGRAMMATIC DEFINITION OF MOST PUBLIC BANQUETS WITH POSTPRANDIAL
ORATORY.--"Stuff and Nonsense."

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: PRIVATE AND CONFIDENTIAL.

LORD SALISBURY. "HALLO!"

M. LE PRÉSIDENT. "HALLO!"

LORD SALISBURY. "YOU THERE?"

M. LE PRÉSIDENT. "ALL THERE!"

LORD SALISBURY. "CAN YOU SUGGEST AN _ENTRÉE_ FOR DINNER?"

M. LE PRÉSIDENT. "_HOMARD AU GRATIN_,--AND, BY THE WAY, HOW ABOUT
NEWFOUNDLAND AND LOBSTER QUESTION?"

LORD SALISBURY. "NOT BY TELEPHONE, THANK YOU!!!"

[_Telephone between London and Paris opened, Monday, March 23rd._]]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: SUFFERING ON THE "SILVER STREAK."

THESE GENTLEMEN (AFTER A FEW HOURS' REST) DECLARED UNANIMOUSLY IN
FAVOUR OF THE PROPOSED CHANNEL TUBULAR RAILWAY.]

       *       *       *       *       *

HANDS AS THEY ARE SHOOK.

(_NEW STYLE._)

  In healthier times, when friends would meet
  Their friends in chamber, park, or street,
  Each, as hereunder, each would greet.

  Tour level hand went forth; you clasped
  Your crony's; each his comrade's grasped--
  If roughly, neither friend was rasped.

  Such was the good old-fashioned one
  Of honest British "How d'ye do?"
  I think it manly still--don't you?

  But _now_, when smug acquaintance hails
  A set that would be "smart," but fails,
  Another principle prevails.

  The arm, in lifted curve displayed,
  Droops limply o'er the shoulder-blade,
  As needing some chirurgeon's aid:

  The wrist is wrenched of JONES and BROWN,
  Those ornaments of London Town;
  Their listless fingers dribble down:

  BROWN reaches to the knuckle-bones
  Of thus-excruciated JONES;
  BROWN's hand the same affliction owns.

  At length his finger-tips have pressed
  The fingers of his JONES distressed:
  Both curvatures then sink to rest.

  A sort of anguish lisped proceeds
  Prom either's mouth, but neither heeds
  The other's half-heroic deeds.

  Exhausted, neither much can say;
  Complacent, each pursues his way;
  And JONES and BBOWN have lived to-day.

  For both have sought by strenuous strain
  To demonstrate, in face of pain,
  That friends they were, and friends remain.

  Ah, wonderful! Can Poets deem
  Self-sacrifice a fading dream?
  Are salutations what they seem?

  Is BROWN some Altruist in disguise,
  And JONES an Ibsenite likewise,
  That thus they flop and agonise?--

  Or are the pair affected fools,
  Who catch by rote the silly rules
  Of third-rate fashionable schools?

       *       *       *       *       *

COURT COLD!

(_A PAGE FROM THE DIARY OF A CHAPERON._)

They commanded her to rise early. She knew that the day's doings would
be a terrible ordeal, but she came of a bold and sturdy race, and
felt herself equal to any emergency. And so as the morning broke--as
daylight crept through the foggy air--she prepared for the sacrifice.
Yes, sacrifice; for was it not a sacrifice to barter away youth,
pride, nay, life itself! And I had a hand in the matter! Ah, me--but
away with vain regret!

I have been told since that they were hours and hours arranging her
toilette. So long did it take that she was scarcely able to break
her fast. She had, I believe, a cup of tea, and if rumour is to be
credited, a couple of slices of thin bread-and-butter! Well, it is
over now, and I can think of it almost without tears!

I called for her shortly after noon--for the lot had fallen upon me,
and I was destined to attend her to her doom--she was very calm, and
even smiled as I kissed her. She shivered a little as she sank beside
me. I bade her to wrap her shawl more closely around her, and after
she had complied with my command she seemed more at ease.

And now our conveyance had come to a full stop. We were surrounded by
a sea of vulgar, hideous faces, grinning and mocking at us! My charge
clung to me for protection. The laughter and the jeers increased
tenfold. Then I cast her away from me roughly, whereupon followed
yells mixed with savage laughter. She, poor girl, regained her
composure, and gazed at the multitude with the dignity of an outraged
queen. And _they_ laughed the more! Laughed the more!

At length we were set free, and made our way to a large apartment,
where we were divested of our wraps, and left in costumes better
adapted to late June than to early March, or mid-December. We were
then ordered to advance. We were driven from one bitterly cold room
to another, until we knew not whether the blood was circulating in
our veins, or had frozen. We had many fellow-sufferers, and these poor
creatures pushed against us, and fought with us. The great object of
everyone was to get to the end of our journey!

She staggered bravely along, until at last they took away the yards
of satin she carried round her arm, and spread it out behind. Then her
name was uttered, or, rather, mispronounced. She sank on her knees;
and, on regaining her feet, was hustled away, to follow a number of
fellow-victims who had been treated with like indignity.

Once more there was the bitter cold. This time the draughts were met
in that hall, and endured, until the conveyance arrived to move us
on--she to stand for a couple of hours amidst gossiping friends, and I
to go to bed.

But the seeds of death were sown! She never recovered the shock, and
an addition to the inscriptions above the family-vault tells of her
early decease!

And who was this poor girl? A homeless one, wandering the streets
of London? or a political prisoner, on her way to Siberia? Neither!
She was merely a _débutante_, attending her first (and last) Spring
Drawing-room at Buckingham Palace!

       *       *       *       *       *

NOTE (_by Our Own Noodle_).--_Father Buonaparte_, at the Olympic,
judging from the account of it in the _Times_, seems to consist of
"a part" for our WILSON BARRETT, the remainder being skeletonish, or
"boney."

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: "MATTHEWS AT HOME." (NEW VERSION OF AN OLD
ENTERTAINMENT.)]

       *       *       *       *       *

RAIKES REX!

    Somebody once said that ultimately the Solar System would
    probably become a branch of the General Post Office. The
    present Postmaster-General is obviously of opinion that that
    state of things has already come about.

  To rule a realm as limitless as space,
    With the great G.P.O. as Central Sun,
  RAIKES is the man. Of Great Panjandrum race,
    He's Autocrat and Oracle in one.
  The Universe indeed were no great shakes
  Without RAIKES _Rex_ for Ruler. _Vivat_ RAIKES!!!

       *       *       *       *       *

ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.

EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.

_House of Commons, Monday, March_ 16.--House of Commons really looked
to-night as if it meant fighting. No lack of matter for quarrel.
Even before public business was reached, Orders bristled with Motions
raising controversial points. Lord CHUNNEL-TANNEL, that man of peace,
was to the fore; his Bill, extending Manchester. Sheffield, and
Lincolnshire Railway into London _via_ Lord's Cricket Ground, down for
Second Reading. That redoubtable Parliamentary Archer BAUMANN also
on alert. Has taken under his personal charge the social and material
welfare of Metropolis; at one time HARRY LAWSON, on other side of
House, disputed supremacy of position with him. But, as SARK says,
BAUMANN has immense advantage of making Liberal speeches from
Conservative side.

"If," says SARK, "I had to begin my Parliamentary life again, I would
sit for a Tory borough, and advocate Radical notions. If it were
possible, I would, with such a programme, like to represent one of the
Universities, Oxford for choice. There's a sameness about fellows who
fret up from Liberal benches and spout Radicalism, or about men who
talk Toryism from the Conservative camp. It's what was expected; what
the House of Commons enjoys is the unexpected. GRANDOLPH knows that
very well. If he'd come out as a Liberal, he wouldn't have been half
the power he is. The secret of success in political life, my young
friend, is to sit in darkness, and clothe yourself with light. The
thing doesn't hold good in the converse direction. A man sitting on
Liberal benches, and talking Toryism, will gain cheers from other
side, but not much else. Look at HORSMAN in the past; look at JOKIM
in the present. Certainly he is CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER; but, even
with that, I suppose you wouldn't call him a political success?"

[Illustration: Cupid's Bowman.]

SARK a little prosy and opinionated; otherwise a good fellow. Whilst
his homily in progress ground considerably cleared. Manchester,
Sheffield, and Lincolnshire Bill put oft till to-morrow; Kensington
Subway Bill withdrawn; BAUMANN triumphant. Still remained public
business; OLD MORALITY led off with proposal to take Tuesdays and
Fridays for morning sittings and Opposition mustered in great force;
Mr. G. present, glowing with his own eulogy on ARTEMIS. OLD MORALITY
moved Resolution with deprecatory deferential manner; only desire
was to do his duty to QUEEN and Country and meet the convenience of
Honourable Gentlemen sitting in whatever part of the House they might
find themselves. Evidently expected outburst of indignant refusal,
long debate, and a big division. Some indignation, but little debate
and no division. Everyone on Opposition Benches seemed to expect
some one else to declare himself irreconcilable. When question put, a
pause; no one rose to continue the successive brief speeches; before
you could say JAMES FERGUSON, Government had, on this 16th of March,
practically secured all working time for remainder of Session.

"I feel like CLIVE," said OLD MORALITY; "or was it WARREN HASTINGS?
Anyhow I am amazed at my own moderation."

[Illustration: THE LORDS IN THE COMMONS.]

_Business done_,--Morning Sittings arranged for rest of Session.

_Tuesday_.--"Lords" and Commons came in conflict to-day under novel
circumstances. Lord TANNEL-CHUNNEL, pending settlement of question
about making his Channel Tunnel, is promoting new trunk line of
railway. Means to bring the Manchester, Sheffield and Lincoln line
straight into London; terminus comes in by Lord's Cricket Ground;
invades the sweet simplicity of St. John's Wood; artistic population
of that quarter up in arms; shriek protest in Lord CHUNNEL-TANNEL's
ear, and shake at him the angry fist. But TANNEL-CHUNNEL not a Baron
easily turned aside from accomplishment of his projects. Squares
Committee of "Lords"; impresses into support of his scheme
representatives of all the big towns on the route; Manchester,
Nottingham, Leicester, all cheer him on; Liberals, Conservatives,
Dissentient Liberals, swell his majority. Second Reading of Bill
carried by more than two to one.

"How's that, Umpire?" CHUNNEL-TANNEL asked, carrying out his bat.
"Well played, indeed!" said the SPEAKER.

Seemed at one time as if blood would flow, and gore would stain the
floor of House. BARNES and WIGGINS were in it, but what it was all
about not quite clear. Something to do with a coal-truck. As far as
could be made out from choked utterances of BARNES, there had at some
remote period been a coal-truck despatched to London by the Midland
route. Something happened to it; either it was delayed, or it arrived
empty, or it didn't arrive at all. However, it was quite clear to
BARNES that the time had come when a new line of railway giving direct
access to London from the Midlands was an urgent necessity. WIGGINS
observed to be wriggling in his seat during the BARNES oration. Made
several attempts to catch SPEAKER's eye; at length succeeded; his
suppressed fury was terrible to behold: his rage Titanic. He at least
knew all about that coal-truck; though, as far as House was concerned,
he did not succeed in lifting the mystery in which BARNES had
enveloped it. Whether it was WIGGINS's coal, or merely WIGGINS's
truck; whether WIGGINS happened to be in the truck when it went
astray; or whether it was BARNES that was in it; or whether nothing
was in it but the coal; or whether, coming back to an earlier point,
there was no coal in the truck when it did (or did not) arrive at St.
Pancras: these were questions the House vainly pursued, withered, as
it was, under the wrath of WIGGINS The only point clearly perceived
was, that BIGGINS is a director of Midland Railway.

[Illustration: "About that Coal Truck?"]

In ordinary circumstances there are not to be found in House two
more affable men than BARNES and WIGGINS. Amongst many other virtues,
WIGGINS is, SARK tells me, one of the best judges of cigars in House,
and is never without a sample in his case. It is sad to think that a
man so gifted by nature, so favoured by fortune, should let his angry
passions rise round a coal-truck. House, contemplating the episode,
glad to shut it out by rushing off to Division Lobby. _Business
done_.--Manchester, Sheffield, and Lincolnshire Railway Bill, Read a
Second Time, by 212 Votes to 103.

_Thursday_.--House engaged in considering Lords' Amendments to
Tithes Bill. Things as dull as usual; House nearly empty; walk about
corridors through tea-room, newspaper-room, and library; almost
deserted; in smoking-room came upon little group playing cards; three
of them; SOLICITOR-GENERAL, CHABLES RUSSELL, and ASQUITH, LOCKWOOD
looking on.

"I suppose," I said, "they're playing whist; why don't you make up the
hand?"

"Whisht! it's not whist!" LOCKWOOD whispered, keeping his eye closely
fixed on game. "It's Baccarat. (Ah! CLARKE! I saw you. Come, pay up.
You did that very clumsily.) It's the Tranby Court case you know. I'm
not in it, but my learned brethren here hold briefs on either side,
and they say they are bound, in the interests of their clients, to
master the intricacies of the game. I must say they have managed very
successfully to subordinate their horror of gambling. RUSSELL, you
know, has a positive distaste for any game of chance. But as he says,
a Barrister must sometimes put his prejudices in his pocket. ASQUITH
brings to the game a serious aspect that positively sanctifies it.
As for EDWARD CLARKE, he's wonderfully nimble. He was trying _la
poucette_ just now when I called out to him. As everything turns upon
this, my learned friends say they must make themselves acquainted
with it. But I hope it won't lead to any breaking up of families. I'm
told the Judges who are likely to be trying cases in London before
Whitsuntide, impelled by a similar sense of duty, are also studying
Baccarat. The L.C.J. is reported to have developed a wonderful talent.
As a family man, and Recorder of Sheffield, I'm glad I'm not briefed
in the case."

[Illustration: "Young Harry"]

_Business done_.--Tithes Bill.

_Friday_.--Young HARRY LAWSON, with his beaver up, moved Resolution
approving the opening for certain hours, and under special
regulations, of the National Museums and Galleries, closed in
London to the public on Sundays, made capital and convincing speech;
supported by men like JOHN LUBBOCK, and, from Conservative side,
MAYNE and ELCHO. Earlier in sitting, the voice of Whitechapel, Hoxton,
Shoreditch, and Bethnal Green, had been heard by petition, praying
for the boon. But dear old ROBERT FOWLER knows better what is good
for the people. Opposed Motion. OLD MORALITY, who never goes into his
picture gallery at Greenlands after midnight on Saturday, whipped up
Government forces; Motion lost by 166 against 39.

Mr. BUNG, who had been watching Debate from Distinguished Strangers'
Gallery, hugely delighted. "S'elp me," he said, "that'll stop
their little game for this Parliament, at least. What do they mean
hinterfering with honest tradesmen? If you go opening your bloomin'
mooseums and picter galleries on Sunday afternoons, _what's to become
of ME?_"

_Business done_.--Mr. BUNG's; and very effectively, too.

       *       *       *       *       *

"FLAT, STALE, AND UNPROFITABLE."

  HAMPDEN, farewell! Ere this you may have found
  The World you swore was flat is really round.
  But many a man, with brains beneath his hat.
  Swears that the World is round, and finds it flat.

       *       *       *       *       *

THE OXFORD AND CAMBRIDGE BOAT-RACE.

(_MARCH 21. OXFORD WON BY HALF A LENGTH._)

  Great ZEUS! was ever such a race since 1829,
  When WORDSWORTH, SELWYN, MERIVALE began the mighty line,
  First of the stalwart heroes who matched their straining thews,
  And on great Thames's tide have fought the battle of the Blues?
  Who writes of pampered softness? Confusion on his pen:
  Still is there pluck in England, and still her sons are Men.
  And still the lads go gaily forth in snow, or wind, or rain,
  With hearts elate to row the race, and spurt, and spurt again.
  A health to you, brave AMPTHILL; the cheering echoes far;
  For FLEICHER and the NICKALLS' lads--_nobile fratrum par_.
  A shout goes up for WILKINSON, the stalwart and the strong,
  For REGGIE ROWE, and dauntless KENT, who kept the stroke so long.
  For POOLE, the tidy bowman, and HEYWOOD-LONSDALE too;
  Thrice thirty cheers for all of them, that gallant Oxford Crew.
  Nor,--though the years speed onward, and others wield the oar,
  Though others race and win or lose where we have raced before;
  Though others, while we watch the sport, should play as we have played,
  And scorn us prosy greybeards--shall ELIN's glory fade?
  NOBLE, and LORD, and FRANCKLYN, they each shall have their cheer,
  And BRADDON, small, but quick of eye, who craftily did steer,
  And ROWLATT, and FOGG-ELLIOTT, and LANDALE, of the Hall,
  And FISON, sturdy Corpus man--we cheer and praise them all.
  _Punch_ loves all sturdy men and true, by whom great deeds are done,
  And toasts and cheers with all his might the Crews of '91.

       *       *       *       *       *

LEGAL MAXIMS.

(_Suggestions for alteration and adaptation to Modern Manners and
Customs, after the Jackson decision by the Court of Appeal._)

_Common Law_.--"The tradition of ages shall prevail," save when it
runs counter to the opinions of a leader-writer of a daily paper.

_Equity_.--(1). "No right shall be without a remedy," save when it is
sentimentally suggested that somebody's right may be somebody else's
wrong.

(2.) "Equity follows the law," at such a distance that it never comes
up with it.

(3.) "Equity is equality," save when a man's wife is literally his
better half.

(4.) "Where there is equal equity the law must prevail," in any view
it pleases to take at the instance of the Lord Chancellor for the time
being.

(5.) "Where the equities are equal the law prevails," in any course it
likes to pursue.

(6.) "Equity looks upon that as done which is agreed to be done,"
especially when, after obtaining legal relief, the suitor ultimately
finds himself sold.

_Contracts_.--(1.) "All contracts are construed according to the
intentions of the parties," save where one of them subsequently
changes his mind.

(2.) "The construction should be liberal" enough to suit the fancy of
the Judge who enforces it.

(3.) "It should be favourable" to a long and angry correspondence in
all the principal newspapers.

(4) "The contract should in general be construed according to the law
of the country where made," but certainly not in particular.

(5.) "That testimony cannot be given to vary, but may to explain a
written contract," save when someone suggests that this practice shall
be reversed.

(6.) "He who employs an agent does it himself," unless it is
considered advisable to take an opposite view of the matter.

_Parent and Child_.--"A father shall have the custody of his
children," except when they get beyond his control and defy his
authority.

_Landlord and Tenant_.--"A landlord has a right to receive his rent,"
if the tenant does not spend the money on something else.

_Husband and Wife_.--"A man has a right to the society of his wife."
when she does not prefer to give her company elsewhere.

_Birthright of an Englishman. (Popular traditionally but strictly
speaking supplementary_.)--"An Englishman's house is his castle," but
only the _pied à terre_ of the lawfully wedded sharer of his income.

OLD FATHER ANTIC.

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QUEER QUERIES.--CLIMATE OF THE BRITISH ISLES.--As the Gulf Stream
produces such an effect on the English climate, would it not be
feasible to add to the heat of the water in some way--say, by erecting
powerful furnaces somewhere on the south coast of Florida, or by
turning the lava from a volcano in the neighbourhood of the Gulf into
the sea? I am not a man of science, but I should be glad to hear your
opinion of the scheme.--SUFFERER FROM COLD.

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