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PUNCH,

OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

VOL. 100.



January 10, 1891.




MR. PUNCH'S PRIZE NOVELS.

NO. X.--THE FONDMAN.

(_BY CALLED ABEL, AUTHOR OF "THE TEAMSTER."_)

    [The eminent Author writes to us as follows:--"How's this for
    a Saga? Do you know what a Saga is? Nor do I, but this is one
    in spite of what anybody may say. History be blowed! Who cares
    about history? Mix up your dates and your incidents, and fill
    up with any amount of simple human passions. Then you'll get
    a Saga? After that you can write a Proem and an Epilogue. They
    must have absolutely nothing to do with the story, but you can
    put in some Northern legends, and a tale about MAHOMET (by the
    way, I've written a play about him) which are bound to tell,
    though, of course, you were not bound to tell them. Ha, ha!
    who talked about thunderstorms, and passions, and powers and
    emotions, and sulphur-mines, and heartless Governors, and
    wicked brothers? Read on, my bonny boy. _Vous m'en direz des
    nouvelles_, but don't call this a novel. It's a right-down
    regular Saga."--C.A.]

THE BOOK OF STIFFUN ORRORS.

CHAPTER I.

[Illustration: The Characters Personally-Conducted by the Author to
Reykjavik.]

STIFFUN ORRORS was a gigantic fair-haired man, whose muscles were like
the great gnarled round heads of a beech-tree. When a man possesses
that particular shape of muscle he is sure to be a hard nut to crack.
And so poor PATRICKSEN found him, merely getting his own wretched back
broken for his trouble. GORGON GORGONSEN Was Governor of Iceland, and
lived at Reykjavik, the capital, which was not only little and hungry,
but was also a creeping settlement with a face turned to America. It
was a poor lame place, with its wooden feet in the sea. Altogether a
strange capital. In the month of Althing GORGON took his daughter to
Thingummy-vellir, where there were wrestling matches. It came to the
turn of PATRICKSEN and STIFFUN. STIFFUN took him with one arm; then,
curling one leg round his head and winding the other round his waist,
he planted his head in his chest, and crushing his ribs with one hand
he gave a mighty heave, and clasping the ground, as with the hoofs of
an ox, he flung him some two hundred yards away, and went and married
RACHEL the Governor's daughter. That night he broke PATRICKSEN's back,
as if he had been a stick of sugar-candy. After this he took his wife
home, and often beat her, or set his mother on her. But one day she
happened to mention PATRICKSEN, so he fled, cowed, humiliated, cap
in hand, to Manxland, but left to her her child, her liberator, her
FASON, so that she might span her little world of shame and pain on
the bridge of Hope's own rainbow. She did this every day, and no one
in all Iceland, rugged, hungry, cold Iceland, knew how she did it. It
was a pretty trick.

CHAPTER II.

This is the Isle of Man, the island of MATT MYLCHREEST, and NARY
CROWE, but plenty of vultures, the island of Deemsters, and Keys,
and Kirk Maughold, and Port y Vullin. Here at the Lague lived ADAM
FATSISTER, the Deputy Governor, who had been selected for that post
because he owned five hundred hungry acres, six hungrier sons, a face
like an angel's in homespun, a flaccid figure, and a shrewd-faced
wife, named RUTH. Hither came STIFFUN, to beg shelter. The footman
opened the door to him, but would have closed it had not ADAM, with a
lusty old oath, bidden him to let the man in. Hereupon STIFFUN's face
softened, and the footman's dropped; but ORRORS, with an Icelander's
inborn courtesy, picked it up, dusted it, and returned it to its
owner. Shortly afterwards, STIFFUN became a bigamist and a wrecker,
and had another son, whom, in honour of the Manxland Parliament, he
christened MICHAEL MOONKEYS, and left him to be cared for by old
ADAM, whose daughter's name was GREEBA. STIFFUN, as I have said, was
a wrecker, a wrecker on strictly Homeric principles, but a wrecker,
nevertheless. When storm-winds blew, he was a pitcher and tosser
on the ocean, but, like other pitchers, he went to the bad once too
often, and got broken on the rocks. Then came KANE WADE, and CHALSE,
and MYLCHREEST, and they sang hymns to him.

"Ye've not lived a right life," said one. "Now, by me sowl, ye've
got to die," sang another. "All flesh is as grass," roared a third.
Suddenly FASON stood beside his bedside. "This," he thought, "is my
father. I must kill him." But he restrained himself by a superhuman
effort--and that was the end of ORRORS.

THE BOOK OF MICHAEL MOONKEYS.

CHAPTER III.

MICHAEL and FASON were both the sons of ORRORS. They were both
Homeric, and both fell in love with GREEBA, who flirted outrageously
with both. These coincidences are absolutely essential in a tale of
simple human passions. But, to be short, GREEBA married MICHAEL, who
had become First President of the second Icelandic Republic. Thus
GREEBA and MICHAEL were at Reykjavik. FASON followed, spurred by
a blind feeling of revenge. About this time Mrs. FATSISTER took a
dislike to her husband.

"Crinkum, crankum!" she said, "you'd have me toil and moil while you
pat your nose at the fire."

"RUTH," said ADAM.

"Hoity toity!" cried she. "The house is mine. Away with you!" So poor
old ADAM also set out for Reykjavik, and the boatmen cried after him,
"_Dy banne jee oo_!" and he immediately jeeooed, as you shall hear.
Last, GREEBA's six brothers packed up, and left for Reykjavik; and now
that we have got all our characters safely there, or on the way, we
can get on with the story. It may be mentioned, however, that Mrs.
ADAM found a fever in a neglected cattle-trough. Being a grasping
woman, she caught it, and took it home--and it killed her.

CHAPTER IV.

RED FASON meant to kill MICHAEL. That was plain. So he was tried by a
Bishop and nine of his neighbours an hour or so after the attempt. And
although the time was so short, all the witnesses had been collected,
and all formalities completed. And FASON was dumb, but great of heart,
and the Bishop condemned him to the sulphur-mines, for which he soon
afterwards started with his long stride, and his shorn head, and his
pallid face. Upon this the six brothers of GREEBA arrived, spread
calumnies, and were believed. Their names were ASHER, JACOB, JOHN,
THURSTAN, STEAN, and ROSS, but they preferred addressing one another
as JOBBERNOWL, WASTREL, GOMERSTANG, BLUBBERHEAD, NUMSKULL, and
BLATHERSKITE. It saved time, and made things pleasant all round.
MICHAEL quarrelled with his wife, and there is no knowing what
might have happened, if GORGON GORGONSEN, at the head of some Danish
soldiers, had not upset the Republic, and banished MICHAEL to the
sulphur-mines to join his brother.

THE BOOK OF RED FASON.

CHAPTER V.

Poor ADAM arrived too late, yet he has his use in the tale, for his
words to GORGON GORGONSEN were bitter words, such as the cruel old
Governor liked not. And he harried him, and worried him, but without
avail, for in Reykjavik money was justice, and ADAM had spent his.
What availed it that a grey silt should come up out of the deposits of
his memory? That was a totally unmarketable commodity in Reykjavik, as
ADAM found to his cost. And in the end intending to shoot MICHAEL they
shot FASON. And yet it is perfectly certain that the next chapter of
this Saga, had there been a next, would have found all the characters
once more in the Isle of Man. For nothing is more surely established
than this: that a good (or a bad) Icelander, when he dies (or lives),
goes always to the Isle of Man, and every self-respecting Manxman
returns the compliment by going to Iceland. And thus are Sagas
constructed. And this is the End.

       *       *       *       *       *

LAUNCE IN LONDON.

(_SHAKSPEARE ADAPTED TO THE SITUATION._)

[Illustration: "A POOR MAN FEELS AN AMOUNT LIKE THIS, AND HAS TO DENY
HIMSELF SOME NECESSARY TO PRESERVE HIS AFFECTIONATE COMPANION, THE
DOG."]

    _Enter LAUNCE with his dog_.

_Launce_. When a poor man's cur shall cost him some thirteen shillings
and sixpence within the year, look you, it goes hard; one that I
brought up as a puppy; one of a mongrel litter that I saved from
drowning, when three or four of his blind, breedless brothers and
sisters went to it. Verily I will write to the _Standard_ thereanent.
Item--muzzle, two shillings; item--collar, under new order, two
shillings and sixpence; item--engraving collar, under new order, one
shilling and sixpence; item--licence, seven shillings and sixpence;
total, thirteen shillings and sixpence, as aforesaid. Truly a poor man
feeleth an amount like this, and hath to deny himself some necessary
to preserve his affectionate companion, to wit, his dog. I have taught
him, even as one would say, precisely, "thus would I teach a dog." O
'tis a foul thing when a dog cannot keep himself in all companies, but
must grub for garbage in the gutter, and yap at constables' kibes! I
would have, as one should say, one that takes upon himself to be a
dog indeed, to be, as it were, a dog at all things. And art thou so,
_Crab_? But verily 'tis I who have taught thee, that have also to
pay for thee; and, whether the art wholly worth the cost, concerns
not thee, but thy master. Thou hast of late many enemies in seats of
office, and elsewhere; ministers, and scribes, and feeble folk in
fidgety fear of hypothetical hydrophoby. "Out with the dog!" says
one. "That cur looks mad!" says another; "Muzzle him!" says the third.
"Knock me him on the head with a constable's staff!" cries the fourth;
"Give him _euthanasia_ at the Dog's Home!" suggests a fifth, with
more sensibility; "Tax him, collar him, badge him, make his owner
pay roundly for him!" saith the Minister of Agriculture. And they,
between them, make me no more ado than whip me thirteen and six out
of my pinched pocket to pay thee out of danger. How many masters
would do this for their servant? Nay, I'll be sworn I have paid
the fines inflicted by austere Magistrates, when thou, _Crab_,
hast surreptitiously slipped thy muzzle, otherwise thou hadst been
executed; I have "tipped" angry constables when thou hast stolen
out not "under control," otherwise thou hadst suffered for't: thou
thinkest not of this now! Nay, I remember the trick thou servedst me
anigh the end of the year, when I had so far successfully dodged the
Dog Tax for that season: did I not bid thee still mark me, and keep
out of sight when the rate-collector called? When didst thou see me
rush headlong upstairs and make madly for the collector's calves?
Didst thou ever see me do such a fool's trick?

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: PATENT INFLATED SAFETY SKATING COSTUME FOR ICE OR
RINK.]

       *       *       *       *       *

AUDITORS IN WONDERLAND.

"If you please," said the Auditor of the Tottenham School Board
accounts, "would you explain to me what that curious thing is that you
have got in your hand?"

"With pleasure," replied the White Knight, who had recently been
elected as a Member of the Board. "It's a Tellurium."

"I see that it cost the ratepayers four pounds to buy. What is the use
of it?"

"Use?" said the White Knight, in mild surprise. "Oh, it's a most
useful thing. A child who can't think of the right answer to a
question about the stars, only has to put this thing on its head--at
Examination time, you know--and it at once remembers all about it.
It's got Electricity or something inside it. And the shape is my own
invention."

"That's why it's called a Tellurium, then," remarked the Auditor, who
could hardly help laughing, it all seemed so strange; "because, when
they put it on, the children _tell you_ the answer you want?"

"Yes; and WILLIAM TELL put an apple on his head, or on somebody else's
head, and I thought the name would remind the children of that fact."

"Then the School must win an increased Government Grant, with this
thing to help them," said the Auditor.

"Well," said the Knight, more despondently, "they have hardly had
time to try it yet. In fact," he added, still more gloomily, "their
teachers won't let them try it. But it's really an admirable idea, if
it _could_ be tried." And the White Knight fastened the curious object
on his own head, whence it immediately fell with a crash upon the
floor.

"It's too ridiculous!" exclaimed the Auditor, bursting into a little
laugh. "I declare a Hektograph would be as useful for the children as
this thing!"

"Would it?" asked the White Knight. "Does a Hektograph work well? Then
we'll get one or two--several."

"And I notice," the Auditor went on, "that there is a thing called
a Cyclostyle put down in the accounts. Please will you tell me what
a Cyclostyle is, and what use it is for purposes of elementary
education?"

"With pleasure," replied the White Knight, who seemed quite cheerful
again; "it's an apparatus for catching cycles, if any should take to
going round and round the room when the children are at their lessons.
It does it _in style_, you see."

"But," said the Auditor, "it's not very likely that any cyclists would
care to wheel their machines into a Board School, is it?"

"Not very _likely_, I daresay," the Knight answered, eagerly; "but, if
any _do_ come, I don't intend that we shall be without a machine for
catching them quickly. And the plan is my own invention!"

"I should suppose it was," the Auditor observed. "I am sorry to
be obliged to disallow the costs of all these inventions, but the
ratepayers must not he forced to pay for fads; and, as you take
such an interest in them, I am sure you won't mind, paying for them
yourself. Good-day!"

       *       *       *       *       *

HEINRICH SCHLIEMANN.

(BORN, JANUARY, 1822. DIED, DECEMBER 26, 1890)

  Helen, who fired the topmost towers of Troy,
  Should spare a smile for the North-German boy,
  Who, from a sketch of Ilium aflame,
  Was fired with zeal which led so straight to fame.
  'Twas a far cry from that small grocer's shop
  To Priam's city; but will distance stop
  Genius, which scorns to fear or play the laggard?
  "The World's Desire" (as HELEN's called by HAGGARD)
  Might well have crowned on Ilium's windy cope,
  This patient follower-up of "The Heart's Hope!"

       *       *       *       *       *

SHOW OF THE OLD MASTERS AT BURLINGTON HOUSE.--This Exhibition opened
last Saturday. It was such a peasoupy day that the Artiest of our Fine
Arts' Critics couldn't get there. Old Masters, indeed! it was a good
Old Foggy that prevented him from being in his place (and he knows his
place too) on that occasion.

       *       *       *       *       *

CHRISTMAS IN TWO PIECES.

[Illustration]

Pantomime! Pantomime!! The only DRURIOLANUS, and the only Pantomime in
the Tame West. Therefore, it is almost a duty, let alone a pleasure,
on the part of Parents and Guardians to take the young gentlemen
from school, schools public and private, and the young ladies freed
awhile from their Governesses, to see _Beauty and the Beast_ at Drury
Lane. "Is it a good Pantomime this year?" "_That_," as _Hamlet_ once
observed, though at that particular moment he was not thinking of
Pantomimes, nor even of his own capital little drawing-room drama
for distinguished amateurs, entitled _The Mousetrap_, "_that_ is
the question." And _Mr. Punch's_ First Commissioner of Theatres can
conscientiously answer, "Yes, a decidedly good Pantomime." If pressed
farther by those who "want to know" as to whether it's _the best_
Pantomime he ever saw, the First Commissioner answers, "No, it is not
_Beauty and the Best_," and he is of opinion that he must travel, in
a train of thought on the line of Memory, back to the PAYNES and the
VOKESES in the primest of their prime, if he would recall two or three
of the very best, mind you, _the very best_, Pantomimes ever seen in
the Tame West. For real good rollicking fun, the Pantomimes at the
Surrey and the Grecian used to be worth the trouble of a pilgrimage;
but it was a trouble, for the show used to commence early and end
late, and indigestion was the consequence of a disturbed dinner and
the unaccustomed heartiness of a most enjoyable supper.

[Illustration: "Sure such a pair," &c.]

Drury Lane Pantomime commences at 7.30, and is not over till 11.30,
and yet in these four hours there rarely comes over you any sense of
weariness, except perhaps when the ballets are too long. From first to
last the audience is expecting something, and is ready to accept every
transition from one scene to another as a change for the better. Mr.
HARRY NICHOLLS and Mr. HERBERT CAMPBELL are, of course, funny to look
at as the conventional proud sisters; only, as they admit in one of
their duets, "it's been done before," in _Cinderella_, for example;
and, by the way, in choosing this subject of _Beauty and the Beast_,
all resemblance between the two stories should have been got rid of,
as, up to the Ball Scene, except for the absence of the Pumpkin and
the Mice, it is difficult to distinguish between the two fairy tales.
But, when last I saw _Cinderella_, wasn't ROSINA VOKES the sprightly
heroine, and her brother with the wonderful legs the _Baron_? I think
so: but I will not be too much of a _laudator temporis acti_, and will
be thankful that one of the youthful Commissioners thoroughly enjoyed
this Pantomime, though he was not absolutely certain as to what might
be the effect of ghosts and skeletons on his very little brother,
aged five or six, if he were brought to see this show. For my part,
had I at an early age seen these skeletons which pervade the piece,
and of whom two become elongated ghosts, I should have lain awake o'
nights, seen horrible reproductions on the wall by the glimmer of the
fire-light (spectral rush-lights were used when I was a small boy),
screamed for help, and perhaps given my own private and practical
version of the Ghost Scene in _Richard the Third_ by _not_ leaping out
of bed and shouting, "Give me another horse!" (there was only one in
the nursery, and that was a towel-horse), but by putting my head under
the bed-clothes and shivering with fear till my nurse returned from
her supper. Such on me, your present brave First Commissioner of
Theatres, was the effect of merely seeing the interior of the _Blue
Chamber_ in _Skelt's Scenes and Characters_, with which I used to
furnish my small theatre on the nursery table.

[Illustration: Troubled Trots.]

Well, this is all private and personal, and not much about the Drury
Lane Pantomime, it is true; but, as everyone will see "The Only
Pantomime" (we have reached the era of the "Onlys"), and be only too
delighted, what need I say more than that the _libretto_ is written by
Mr. BILL-OF-THE-PLAY YARDLEY conjointly with Mr. DRURIOLANUS AUCTOR,
and I daresay it was very witty and rhythmical and poetical, though I
didn't catch much of it, and the songs were neither particularly well
sung, nor remarkably humorous,--one, introduced by Miss VESTA TILLY
(and, therefore, for this our joint authors are not responsible,
except for permitting it to be done), being a distinct mistake, and
utterly out of character with the part of the _Prince_, as written,
which she was representing. And, _à propos_ of songs, the music of
this Pantomime lacks "go." WAGNER borrowed from pantomime his notion
of dramatic music to carry on the action and tell the story of serious
opera; but we don't want our Pantomimes to become Wagnerian; or, at
all events, as the lamented GEORGE HODDER would have said, "Let's have
plenty of the 'Wag,' and none of the 'nerian.'" What he would have
exactly meant by this nobody would have known, but everyone would
have laughed, as he was one of those self-patented jesters at whose
witticisms the company laughed first and wondered afterwards.

DRURIOLANUS MAGNUS, not content with his own special pantomime-pie
and a Drama at Covent Garden, has had a finger,--only a little one,
perhaps, and not the thumb, with which JOHANNES HORNERIUS extracted
the plum,--in the Christmas pie at the Prince of Wales's Theatre, of
which the Manager is HORATIUS SEDGERIUS.

[Illustration: Seeing the 'Mime, December 30; or, A Draught at Night.]

Now, Ladies and Gentlemen, _patres et matres, et tutores_, if you
want to know what to take your little children, your bigger children,
your boys and girls to see, and what you yourselves, familiar
with your THACKERAY as I take you to be, would enjoy seeing, I say
emphatically and distinctly, without any evasion, reservation, or
mental equivocation, "Go and see, and take them all to see, _The Rose
and the Ring_, written by SAVILE CLARKE, with music composed for it
by WALTER SLAUGHTER, put on the stage by _Les deux Ajax_ CAROLUS and
AUGUSTUS HARRIS,--Christmas CAROLUS being _facile princeps_ at this
difficult business."

There is an excellent orchestra here, playing the musical game of
"follow my leader" to perfection, and kept together, as sheep, by
a CROOK. Mr. HARRY MONKHOUSE is very droll in the little he has to
do. Mr. SHALE's speech as the Court Painter is capitally given, but
there isn't enough of it. A touch more, a few more good lines, and
the speech, as a showman's speech, would have been encored. Mr. S.
SOLOMON as _Jenkins_, the Hall Porter, is made up so as to be the very
_fac-simile_ of THACKERAY's own illustration, and to reproduce that
Master's sketches with more or less exactitude has evidently been the
aim of all the actors; but _Jenkins_ has been peculiarly successful,
as has also _Prince Bulbo_, of whom more anon. As _Polly_ in Act the
First, and _General Punchikoff_ in the Second, Miss EMPSIE BOWMAN was
delightful, and her elder sister, Miss ISA BOWMAN, made every sharp
point tell, and into the gold, of which success the name of BOWMAN is
of good omen: and this is almost a rhyme. The part of _Prince Giglis_,
in the absence of Miss VIOLET CAMERON, was satisfactorily rendered by
Miss FLORENCE DARLEY. Miss MAUD HOLLAND looked and acted prettily as
the _Princess Angelica_, and Madame AMADI was quite Thackerayan in her
make-up as _Countess Gruffanuff_. Miss ATTALIE CLAIRE entered fully
into the spirit of the merry piece; her rendering of a song with the
refrain "Ah! well-a-day!" being deservedly encored.

[Illustration: After a Design by Michael Angelo Titmarsh.]

I must not forget, indeed, I cannot forget, Mr. LE HAY as _Bulbo_,
who, not only on account of his make-up being an exact reproduction
of THACKERAY's sketch, gave us as good a grotesque performance as I've
seen for some considerable time. To see him on the ground after the
fight, tearing his hair out in handfulls, is something that will shake
the sides of the most sedate or _blasé_, and among the audience that
will crowd to see this juvenile show, there will be very few sedate
(I hope) and still fewer (I am sure) _blasé_. It is an excellent
performance throughout. But, my dear Mr. CAROLUS HARRIS, one
word,--when you had that capitally-arranged and highly effective
scene of _Bulbo_ going to be beheaded, why did you not carry it a
bit further, and make _Bulbo_ on the point of kneeling down, and the
burlesque axe poised in the air, and _then_, but not till _then_, the
moment which, like the present winter, is "critical,"--_then_, I say,
enter the _Princess_ with the reprieve? As it is, the effect of this
dramatically grouped scene is lessened by the absence of action, and
_Bulbo_ is off the scaffold ere the majority of the audience realise
the peril in which his life has been placed.

I must not forget the army of children appearing from time to time
as courtiers, cooks, fairies, soldiers, who will be the source of
the greatest pleasure to children of all ages, from "little Trots"
upwards. Nothing in this genuinely Christmas Piece is there which can
do aught but delight and amuse the young people for whom primarily it
was written. Let "all concerned in this" excellent piece of Christmas
merriment accept the congratulations and best wishes for crowded
houses--which they are sure to be for all the _Matinées_--from theirs
truly, MR. P.'S FIRST COMMISSIONER.

       *       *       *       *       *

GREAT DISAPPOINTMENT.--Sir FRANCIS SANDFORD has created a profound
feeling of disappointment among all classes of society by not having
added, "and Merton," to his title. "Lord SANDFORD OF SANDFORD" is
weak; but "Lord SANDFORD-AND-MERTON" would have been truly noble.

       *       *       *       *       *

SIR JULIAN PAUNCEFOTE's reply to President BLAINE: "The point o'
this here observation lies in the Behring of it." (_Captain Cuttle
adapted_.)

       *       *       *       *       *

OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.

I tried _Criss-Cross Lovers_ the other day, a Novel, in two or three
vols., I don't remember which; but those may ascertain who are not
choked off in the first hundred pages, as was the unfortunate Baron de
B.-W. He had the presence of mind to put it down in time, and, after
a few moments of refreshing repose, was, like _Richard_, "himself
again," and able to tackle quite another novel.

[Illustration]

In the _English Illustrated Magazine_, for this month, I have just
read a most interesting account of a visit paid by the Very Rev.
Dean of Gloucester to the Trappist Monastery of La Grande Chartreuse,
which, thanks to the marvellous spirit of the Order known as
Chartreuse Verte or Chartreuse Jaune, is one of the Religious
Confraternities not suppressed by the Anti-monkical majority in the
French Government. The Baron--the umble individual who now addresses
you--has himself entered within these Monastic walls, inspected the
buildings, seen all the monastic practical jokes, known as "regular
cells," and has come away the better for the visit, with much food
for reflection and refection _en route_ in the _voiture_, and with
spirituous comfort in green and yellow bottles. This paper, in the
_New Illustrated_, is well worth reading.

The Baron has for some weeks had on his table, _Golden Lines; The
Story of a Woman's Courage_, by FREDERICK WICKS. The Baron being,
as he is bound to admit, almost human, was warned off the book by
its title, which seems to suggest something in the tract line. The
Publishers' name (BLACKWOOD) is, however, an invariable stamp of
good metal. So the Baron picked up the book, was attracted by the
remarkably clever illustrations, and finally, beginning at the
beginning, he read to the end. It is a novel, and one of the best
published this season; and all the better for being in one stout
handsomely-printed volume. The plot is constructed with rare skill,
the writing is good, and the people all alive. If it is WICKS's first
work (and the Baron never heard of FREDERICK before) he should go on
making candles of the same kind. Their illuminating power is rare.

"_What shall we play at, and how shall we play it_?" The satisfactory
answer to these two questions, specially important at Christmas time,
will be found in Professor HOFFMANN's _Encyclopædia of Card and Table
Games_, published by ROUTLEDGE. Here you will learn the mysteries of
"Go-Bang," "Reverse,"--and after learning the latter, you, if Nature
has blessed you with a tuneful voice, will be able to sing with GEORGE
GROSSMITH (if he'll let you), "_See me Reverse_." The motto for the
Professor's book should have been the emphatic exclamation of the
street Arab, "My heye! such games!"

This is the sixth year of _Hazell's Annual_. Whatever information you
require it will be difficult not to find in _Hazell_, clearly and
not at all Hazelly expressed. A youthful friend whose pun, says the
Baron, I hereby nail to the counter, on seeing this book on my desk,
observed, "Yes, I'm nuts on HAZELL." The Baron frowned, and the youth
withered away, as ALICE did--not the one who went to Wonderland, but
an elder ALICE, whom our old friend "BEN BOLT" remembers.

SAMPSON LOW, & CO. publish "_Wild Life on a Tidal Water_," by P.H.
EMERSON, who gives the adventures of a house-boat and her crew on
Breydon Water in Norfolk; the photo-etchings are by EMERSON and
GOODALL, "and therefore," says the Baron, "All-good."

Look into _Harper's_ for January; among the harpers, listen to M.
DE BLOWITZ harping on the journalistic string--good; and, his talent
having served him to a pretty tune, 'tis well he should harp on it in
_Harper's_. The Baron hopes that M. DE B. has spent a Harpy Christmas.
Allow the B. DE B.-W. to draw his friends' attention to "A Military
Incident," and two other short papers, in _The Cornhill_. BARON DE
BOOK-WORMS.

P.S.--The Baron says he is not going to be let in for a disquisition
on the merits of various Pocket-books; but, if asked which he
affectionates most as a genuine book of pockets, and _for_ pockets, he
puts his finger to the side of his nose, and wisely replies--"Walker."

       *       *       *       *       *

SURVIVAL OF THE FITTEST.

(_AT A TRIAL FOR MURDER._)

  Oh, dainty product of the March of Progress,
    Oh, glorious outcome of the Course of Time,--
  The watchful, well-attired Old Bailey ogress,
    Still finding sweetest stimulus in--Crime!

       *       *       *       *       *

SEASONABLE GREETING FOR SPIRITUALISTS.--I wish you a _rappy_ New Year!

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: METROPOLITAN RAILWAY TYPES.

THE PARTY THAT _NEVER_ SAYS, "THANK YOU!"

THE PARTY THAT _ALWAYS_ SAYS, "THANK YOU!"

WHEN YOU OPEN THE DOOR, SHUT THE WINDOW, OR GIVE UP YOUR SEAT FOR
HER.]

       *       *       *       *       *

BUMBLE AT HOME;

OR, THE WINTER OF _OUR_ DISCONTENT.

    "Notwithstanding the most superlative, and, I may say,
    supernat'ral exertions on the part of this parish," said
    BUMBLE, "we have not been able to--do anythink."--_Oliver
    Twist_.

_Mr. Bumble, loquitur_:--

  _GR-R-R-R!!!_ Old-fashioned Winter, indeed! Well, I 'ope them
          as talks on it relishes it!
  The City seems give up to snow; which I can't say it greatly
          embellishes it.
  But, really, of all the dashed imperence,--s'posing of course as
        they _meant_ it,--
  The greatest is that of the Papers appealing to Me to pervent it!

  Ah! it's a hinsolent Hage, and without no respect for Authority.
  The cry of them demmycrat 'owlers is all for low In-fe-ri-or-ity.
  Things is about bottom uppards, as far as I judges, already,
  And if the porochial dignity's floored, what is left to stand
          steady?

  _Progressists_, indeed! Ah, _I_'d "progress" 'em, pack o'
          perposterous hasses,
  A regular pollyglot lot, breeding strife 'twixt the classes and
          masses.
  The masses is muck; that's _my_ motter, as who should have learnt
          it more betterer?
  BUMBLE could hopen the heyes of them BOOTHSES, JOHN BURNSES,
          ancetterer.
  Snow? Is it _me_ brings the snow, and the hice, and the
          peasoupy slushiness,
  Making the subbubs one slough? No! The Age is give over to
          gushiness.
  Parties as writes to the Papers is snivellers, yus, every one of 'em,
  Barring the few as cracks jokes, though I own as I can't see the
          fun of 'em.
  Look at "UCALEGON," now, him as writes to a cheap daily journal,
  Along o' the '"Orrors of 'Ampstead," as _he_ calls hy--wot's
          it?--"hybernal,"
  (Wotever that crackjaw may mean) or that fellow, "INFELIX THE"--
          blow it.
  Sech names you can't write nor yet spell, if you're not a School
          Board or a Poet.
  Talks of our "hard hide," does, "INFELIX," I'd like to lay hands
          upon hisn!
  All becos Upper 'Ampstead, it seems, is a sort of a dark ice-bound
          prison.
  No 'busses, no trams, and no cabs, no grub, and no gas, and no water!
  Ha! ha! Pooty picter it is, and thanks be I don't dwell in _that_
          quarter!
  But wot's it to do with poor Me? If he wants it himproved he had
          best try
  Them proud County-Councillor coves, not come wallopping into the
          Westry.
  Wot use, too, to talk of Wienna? Don't know where that is, and
          don't wanter,
  But, 'cording to "SNOWBOUND," their style of snow-clearing beats
          ourn in a canter.
  Ratepayers' Defencers may rave, and the scribblers may scold or
          talk funny,
  But clean streets in Winter mean this,--_you must plank down a
          dollup more money_!

  _Me_ up and be doing meanwhile? No, not if I jolly well knows it.
  I likes my own fireside too well to go snow-clearing, don't you
          suppose it.
  A choice between slither and slush may come 'ard on the Mighty
          Metrolopus,
  But Westrydom ain't on the job, 'owsomever they worry and wallop us.
  Bless yer, we've stood it before, and can stand it agen, all this
          fussing.
  _My_ game's a swig and a smoke; as for them--they can go on
          "discussing."

    [_Shuts door, and retires to his snuggery for spirituous
    solace_.

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: BUMBLE AT HOME; OR, "THE WINTER OF OUR DISCONTENT."

"CLEAR THE STREETS!--AND IN SUCH BEASTLY WEATHER?--UGH! NOT IF I KNOW
IT!!"

(_December 31, 1890, and January, 1891._)]

       *       *       *       *       *

THE COMPOSER COMING.

[Illustration: "I've an hoe," by Sir Arthur Sullivan.]

[Illustration: Mus Doc.]

We are looking forward to _Ivanhoe_, by Sir ARTHUR S. SULLIVAN, Mus.
Doc. From what our Musical Critic has seen of the score, he is able to
wink his eye wisely but not too well, and to hint that as _Mr. Guppy_
says, "There are chords"; and to make these chords in combination,
the strings are admirably fitted. There is one chord (will it be
recognised as belonging to _Box_?) which-- But, as Sir ARTHUR says,
"Where will be the surprise, if your Musical Critic tells everything
beforehand?" He is right, quite right, and, thank goodness, he is
quite well, and not [Illustration: Musical staff: treble clef, quarter
notes C, D.]; but the Composer is in the playfullest of humours, and
laughs over his recent row with [Illustration: Musical staff: treble
clef, quarter note G.]; in fact, he was in such good spirits, that,
when I wanted to hear all about it, and I told him he could either
sing it or play it to me, he replied, "You [Illustration: Musical
staff: treble clef, quarter notes B, D-ligature-D.]!" Exactly like
him, which neither of these two [Illustration: Musical staff: treble
clef, quarter notes F, E, G, G.] is. However, I'm not offended, as
I said to him, or rather said and sang to him, by way of reply. My
Name's [Illustration: Musical staff: treble clef, quarter notes E,
C.], _and So it is_.

       *       *       *       *       *

A SEMI-OFFICIAL INTRODUCTION.

    [BERRY was introduced in a semi-official way, and at once
    said, "Good morning, Ma'am."--_See Daily Papers on Mrs.
    Pearcy's execution_.]

  KING DEATH has a great Ambassador who journeys through all the land,
  With a cap, and a strap, and a slip-noosed rope all ready to his hand.
  He's a genial man with a joke for all, and a smile on his jovial face,
  And a grip of the hand that is frank and free when he comes to the
        trysting place.
  And, oh, when the gloomy winter night is fading into the day,
  He comes to the cell and is introduced in a semi-official way;
  With a jolly "Good morning, Ma'am," he comes, and as quick as a morning
        dream
  He has corded his living parcel and flung it across the stream.

  The stream flows silently onward, and the flood seems deep and strong,
  And some of us pause on the hither-bank slow-footed, and linger long.
  But early or late we must plunge in and battle across the tide,
  Though the beckoning shapes look dark and grim that wait on the farther
        side.
  But they whom the King's Ambassador, or ever their race be run,
  Has summoned, must leave at the moment the sight of the friendly sun.
  He's a kindly man, with a cheerful voice, but he never brooks delay
  When once he has come and been introduced in a semi-official way.

  And, ah, how lightly the minutes fly, that once seemed heavy as lead,
  And the sleeper is fitfully tossing, alone on her prison bed.
  At the hour of eight must the journey be, when the passing bell doth toll,
  And God, it may be, who is merciful, will pity a sinful soul,
  "Arise," they say, "for you know full well who waits at the outer gate,
  With sheriffs to do his bidding, behold he is come in state.
  The time is short, and the minutes fly, but ere we forget it, stay,
  We must introduce the Ambassador in a semi-official way."

       *       *       *       *       *

POLITE JUDGMENT.--A correspondence has been going on in the _St.
James's Gazette_ as to what six Gentlemen seated in a first class
railway carriage ought to do if a Lady insists on thrusting herself
upon them. _Truth_ says, let her stand, unless she has been invited,
and adds, that anyhow she, as an extra person, is a nuisance. _Mr.
Punch_ agrees with a difference, and says that the uninvited intruder
who becomes a standing nuisance ought to be put down--by somebody
giving her a seat.

       *       *       *       *       *

COMPENSATION.

(_SOLILOQUY OF SMELFUNGUS WHILST LOOKING AT THE PICTORIAL PAPERS._)

  Yes, it's an ill-wind that blows nobody good,
    Discomfort could hardly be greater,
  For home-staying fogies of mollyish mood,
    But think of the joy of the Skater!
  Gr-r-r-r-! Nose-nipped antiquity squirms in the street,
    When the North-Easter sounds its fierce slogan;
  But oh, the warm flush and the ecstasy fleet
    Of the fellow who rides a toboggan!
  FISH SMART's on the job in the ice-covered fens,
    And at Hampstead and Highgate they're "sleighing."
  There is plenty of stuff for pictorial pens,
    And boyhood at snowballs is playing.
  To sit by the fire and to grumble and croak
    At "young fools," I presume is improper,
  Yet (_chuckle_!) the Skater _sometimes_ has a "soak,"
    The Sleigher _sometimes_ comes a cropper! [_Left sniggering._

       *       *       *       *       *

LOST IN THE MIST OF AGES.

(_EXTRACTS FROM A CRITIQUE ON AN EXHIBITION TO SUCCEED THE GUELPHIAN,
IN_ 19--.)

_No_. 76. _Portrait of a Warrior_. This picture is described in the
Catalogue as the Duke of WELLINGTON, who, it will be remembered, won,
in the early part of the last century, the Battle of Waterloo, and
invented a new kind of boots. The face is adorned with long black
whiskers and moustaches, and an eyeglass not unlike the traditional
portrait of the great W.E. GLADSTONE, Second Earl of BEACONSFIELD, as
depicted by a now nearly forgotten artist, called DUNDREARY SOTHERN,
or SOTHERN DUNDREARY. The Duke (if, indeed, it be the Duke) is wearing
the uniform of the 3rd Middlesex Artillery Volunteers, a corps that
was raised some ten years after His Grace's death, a fact that would
argue that the painting was either a posthumous work, or intended
to represent someone else. Accepting the alternative suggestion, the
picture may hand down to posterity the features of BURDETT COUTTS
(husband of the Baroness of that name), J.L. TOOLE, the popular
Comedian, HENRY IRVING (his friend), the Rev. C.H. SPURGEON, or (and
this is the most likely hypothesis) PRINCE GEORGE of Wales.

No. 102. _Miniature of a Lady Unknown_. It is impossible at this
lapse of time to identify the original of this portrait. No doubt
she belonged to a short-lived and somewhat degraded class known as
"professional beauties." In one hand she holds an instrument called an
opera-glass, which was used in the last century at trials for murder
at the Old Bailey. The hair she wears on her head is evidently false,
and has been supplied from some foreign peasantry. Her hat is adorned
with a stuffed bird, suggestive of the cruelty of her nature. As she
holds in her other hand a book labelled, "_The Art of Nursing_,"
it may be conjectured that she is a frequent visitor to the
Dissecting-Room, or the Accident Ward of a London Hospital. On the
whole, perhaps, it is fortunate that her name has not been preserved
by succeeding generations. She must, indeed, have been a contrast to
her angelic descendants of the present day.

No. 2478. _An Utensil Made of Brass_. This strange-looking object
may have been used by our ancestors as a helmet, or perhaps as a
fish-kettle. It is, perhaps, rather large for the first, and a little
too thick for the second. The Catalogue describes the exhibit as "a
coal-scuttle." It is impossible to verify this assertion, as coal
is now only found in specimen cases at museums, and a sketch of
a coal-scuttle has not been seen for the last fifty years. It is,
however, interesting as suggestive of a time when the world was not
heated by volcanic hot water.

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: Seasonable "on this Head."]

SEASONABLE REPLY (_By Our Own Politest Letter-Writer_.)--This is a
model for a cautious answer at this time of year to an invitation to
witness an out-of-door ceremony, the laying of a first stone, &c, &c,
returning to London same day:--"Dear A----, if I am (1) alive, (2)
well, (3) with no urgent business, (4) in London, and if the weather
is (i.) fine, (ii.) fairly warm, (iii.) likely to last so, (iv.) wind
S.W., (v.) no remains of sloshy thaw, (vi.) no frost; if there are
comfortable conveyances to and from station; if there is a perfectly
dry spot for me to stand on, and see and hear everything, and
no draughts, and if there is a good lunch in a comfortable, dry,
well-aired, and warmed room, with not too many guests, and plenty of
good waiters, also with dry champagne,--say Pommery '80 or '84, for
choice,--then you may expect me, and I accept, with the greatest
possible pleasure.

Yours ever, D. DASH."

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: TWELFTH-NIGHT DRAWINGS FOR FATHER TIME.

(_Shadows of the Past and Coming Forms._)]

       *       *       *       *       *

"HONOURS EASY!"

(_OMITTED FROM THE NEW YEAR'S LIST LAST WEEK._)

Sir F. LEIGHTON, Bart., P.R.A., to be raised to the Peerage as the
Earl of BURLINGTON, in order to adorn the House of Lords.

Mr. HENRY IRVING, to be Lord LYCÆUM, to please Baron BEEFSTEAK.

Mr. J.L. TOOLE, to be Baron BEEFSTEAK, to satisfy Lord LYCÆUM.

Miss FLORENCE NIGHTINGALE, to be Lady REDCROSS OF GENEVA; because she
earned it nearly forty years ago.

"General" BOOTH, to be Viscount BOOMON, to collect subscriptions in
the House of Lords.

Sir WILFRID LAWSON, Bart., will take the title of Lord DRINKWATER.
N.B.--He will always have to appear in Court suit with pumps.

Viscount WOLSELEY will he made F.R.S., F.S.A., F.R.G.S., M.D., in
order to add to his collection, if he hasn't them already.

Professor NORMAN LOCKYER will receive The Garter, to place among his
Stars.

Lord TENNYSON, a Second Pension from the Civil List, to augment the
one granted half a century or so ago.

The Donkey of the Brothers GRIFFITHS, the Order of the Thistle.

       *       *       *       *       *

_Some More of Them_.--THE QUEEN has been further pleased to confer the
dignity of a Peerage of the United Kingdom upon--

Mr. Sheriff AUGUSTUS HARRIS, who will, on taking his seat in the Upper
House, assume the title of Lord AUGUSTUS DRURIOLANUS OF LONG ACRE.

Mr. S.B. BANCROFT, who will take that of Lord HAYMARKET.

Mr. WILLIAM BLACK, who will in future be known as Lord SHEILA OF
THULE.

Messrs. SWAN AND EDGAR, who will assume the dignity, respectively,
under the titles of Lords PICCADILLY and REGENT's CIRCUS, and the

BEADLE OF THE BURLINGTON ARCADE, who will accept the honour with the
style and title of Lord BURLINGTON OF ARCADIA.

HER MAJESTY has also been further pleased to confer the dignity of
a Baronetcy of the United Kingdom on the following Gentlemen; viz.,
Messrs. ENO, SCOTT, BEECHAM, CARTER, LAMPLOUGH, and COCKLE.

HER MAJESTY has further been pleased to confer the honour of
Knighthood on several Gentlemen greatly distinguished for their
services respectively to Art, Literature, and Science, whose names,
however, it is not necessary to mention, but whose labours, had they
been rewarded with that financial success that attends the efforts of
a pushing and advertising tradesman would, doubtless, have earned them
the more becoming dignity of a Peerage.

Her MAJESTY has further been pleased to confer the dignity of a Full
Knight Grand Commander of the First Class of the most exalted Order of
the Sceptre of India, on--

JOHN JAMES SMITH, Esq., THOMAS JENKINS ROBINSON, Esq., and JAMES
WALLOP BROWN, Esq., of the Bengal Civil Service.

And also that of an equal dignity of the same exalted Order, on His
Royal Highness, GINGEREE BABIHOY, JABBERJEEHOY, the Reigning Jam of
Jollipore.*

*JOHN JAMES SMITH, Esq., educated at Harrow, Commissioner of
Gunenjore, 1878; Collector of Poojah, 1880; Acting-Deputy at
Boorgipore, 1887, &c., &c.

THOMAS JENKINS ROBINSON, Author of _The Paper Rupee. What is its
Commercial Value?_ Sat on the Puttialah Commission in 1870. Suspended
for insubordination, 1882. Removed to Gallichuddah, 1888. Part Author
of _The Governor-General's Goose, and who is to Cook It?_

JAMES WALLOP BROWN, Esq., son of JOHN WALLOP BROWN, Esq., of The
Nut-crackers, Upper Putney. Author of _Brown's Digest of Synthetical
Illusions!_ Collector of Naggerpore, 1886; Boorafoola, 1885;
Chourmgee, 1886, &c., &c.

H.R.H. the Jam of JOLLIPORE, the 29th descendant in direct line from
GINGER KHAN, the conqueror of the Moguls. Gave 100,000 Rupees to the
foundation of the New Indian Hospital in the Mile End Road. Translator
of SHAKSPEARE into the Puttialah dialect, &c., &c. Founder of the
European University of Jollipore.

       *       *       *       *       *

_Latest Additions_.--Messrs. A. & F. PEARS. To be Companions of the
Bath.

"General" BOOTH. To be Knight Commander of the Bath. To enable him to
deal more effectually with the "Submerged Tenth."

ZADKIEL and Old MOORE. The Most Distinguished Order of The Tinsel
Star. For eminent services to Astronomy.

Mr. W.H. STEAD. The Most Honourable Order of the Golden Scoop. For his
enterprise in reviewing Reviews, and gallantry in storming Magazines.

Mr. MACDOUGALL. The Order of the Free Pass. For services to Morality.
Mr. O'BRIEN. The Order of Retreat. For a short period.

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: A WAY OF PUTTING IT.

_Author_. "DO YOU LIKE MY VERSES?"

_Pompous Critic_. "OH, IMMENSELY! I OBSERVE THAT THE EXIGENCIES OF
RHYME HAVE OCCASIONALLY LED TO A FELICITY OF EXPRESSION WHICH--WHICH
ALMOST COMPELS ONE TO ASSUME THE ORIGINAL EXISTENCE OF IDEAS!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

AT THE END OF THE YEAR.

THE FRIEND'S REPLY.

  I thought your lines a great success,
    (You always did write rather neatly)
  Although I must at once confess
    I can't agree with you completely.

  Of course I recollect quite well
    How long we sat and smoked together,
  And how our conversation fell
    (As fall it will) upon the weather.

  Our prospects then seemed bright and fair,
    (Our language certainly got stronger)
  We built our castles in the air,
    And by degrees our drinks grew longer.

  Yes--in the game of law BEN wins,
    And many guineas in he's picking,
  But have you heard his wife has twins,
    And both of them alive and kicking?

  And pompous JOE, now JOE, M.P.,
    Is doubtless pleased at growing raucous
  Through speaking, since he's proud to be
    The Member for a Tory Caucus.

  Yet I'm afraid for his poor brain,
    That such success will surely turn it,
  For every speech means so much strain,
    Since off by heart he has to learn it!

  And mazy JACK, whose chance in life,
    We all of us considered shady,
  _Has_ married money (_and_ a wife);
    But tell me--do you know the lady?

  DICK's dinners, too, I'm quite aware,
    Are noted--yet he's far from steady,
  Whilst TOM's fine house in Belgrave Square
    Is mortgaged, so they say, already.

  Life, after all, is surely more
    Than guineas, Belgrave Square, or dinners.
  Life is a race--but yet, before
    You curse your luck, _are_ these the winners?

         *       *       *       *       *

  And so, old friend, content I jog
    Along, amidst life's hurry-skurry,
  And smoke my bird's-eye, sip my grog,
    Without a care or thought to worry.

       *       *       *       *       *

VOCES POPULI.

ON THE ICE.

    SCENE--_The Serpentine. On the bank, several persons are
    having their skates put on; practised Skaters being irritable
    and impatient, and others curiously the reverse, at any delay
    in the operation_.

_Chorus of Unemployed Skate-Fasteners_. 'Oo'll 'ave a pair on for
an hour? Good Sport to-day, Sir! Try a pair on, Mum! (_to any
particularly stout Lady_). Will yer walk inter _my_ porler, Sir?
corpet all the w'y! 'Ad the pleasure o' puttin' on your skites last
year, Miss! Best skates in London, Sir!

    [_Exhibiting a primæval pair._

_The Usual Comic Cockney_ (_to his Friend, who has undertaken to
instruct him_). No _'urry_, old man--this joker ain't _'arf_ finished
with me yet! [_To Skate-Fastener._] Easy with that jimlet, Guv'nor. My
'eel ain't 'orn, like a 'orse's 'oof! If you're goin' to strap me up
as toight as all that, I shell 'ave to go to _bed_ in them skites!...
Well, what is it _now_?

[Illustration: "Look here! This is rather a pretty figure."]

_Skate-Fastener_. Reglar thing fur Gen'lm'n as 'ires skates ter leave
somethink be'ind, jest as security like--_anythink_'ll do--a gold
watch and chain, if yer got sech a thing about yer!

_The C.C._ Oh, I dessay--not _me_!

_Skate-F._ (_wounded_). Why, yer needn't be afroid! _I_ shorn't run
away--you'll find _me_ 'ere when yer come back!

_The C.C._ Ah, that _will_ be noice! But all the sime, a watch is a
thing as slips out of mind so easy, yer know. You might go and forgit
all about it. 'Ere's a match-box instead; it ain't silver!

_Skate-F._ (_with respect_). Ah, you _do_ know the world, _you_ do!

_The C.C._ Now, ALF, old man. I'm ready for yer! Give us 'old of yer
'and ... Go slow now. What's the Vestry about not to put some gravel
down 'ere? It's downright dangerous! Whoo-up! Blowed if I ain't got
some other party's legs on!... Sloide more? Whadjer torking about! I'm
sloidin' every way at once, _I_ am!... Stroike out? I've struck sparks
enough out of the back o'my 'ed, if that's all!... Git up? Ketch me!
I'm a deal syfer settin' dayown, and I'll sty 'ere! [_He stays._

_A Nervous Skater_ (_hobbling cautiously down the bank--to Friend_).
I--I don't know how I shall _be_ in these, you know--haven't had
a pair on for years. (_Striking out._) Well, come--(_relieved_)--
skating's one of those things you never forget--all a question of
poise and equi--confound the things! No, I'm all right, thanks--lump
in the ice, that's all! As I was saying, skating soon comes back
to--thought I was gone that time! Stick by me, old fellow, till I
begin to feel my--Oh, hang it _all_!... Eh? surely we have been on
more than five minutes! Worst of skating is, your feet get so cold!...
These _are_ beastly skates. Did you hear that crack? Well, _you_ may
stay on if you like, but I'm not going to risk _my_ life for a few
minutes' pleasure! [_He returns to bank._

_The Fond Mother_ (_from bank, to Children on the ice_). That's right,
ALMA, you're doing it _beautifully_--don't _walk_ so much! (_To
French Governess_), ALMA fay bocoo de progray, may elle ne glisse
assez--nayse par, Ma'amzell?

_Mademoiselle_. C'est ELLA qui est la plus habile, elle patine déjà
très bien--et avec un aplomb!

_The F.M._ Wee-wee; may ELLA est la plus viaile, vous savvy. Look at
ELLA, ALMA, and see how _she_ does it!

_Mad._ Vous marchez toujours--toujours, ALMA; tâchez donc de glisser
un petit peu--c'est beaucoup plus facile!

_Alma_. Snay pas facile quand vous avez les skates toutes sur un
côté--comme _moi_, Ma'amzell!

_F.M._ Ne repondy à Ma'amzell, ALMA, and watch ELLA!

_Ella_. Regardez-moi, ALMA. Je puis voler vîte--oh, mais vîte ... oh,
I _have_ hurt myself so!

_Alma_ (_with sisterly sympathy_). _That's_ what comes of trying to
show _off_, ELLA, darling! [_ELLA is helped to the bank._

_A Paternal Skate-Fastener_. 'Ere you are, Missie--set down on this
'ere cheer--and you, too, my little dear--lor, _they_ won't do them
cheers no 'arm, Mum, bless their little 'arts! Lemme tyke yer little
skites orf, my pooties. _I'll_ be keerful, Mum--got childring o' my
own at 'ome--the moral o' _your_ two, Mum!

_The F.M._ (_to Governess_). Sayt un homme avec un bong ker.
Avez-vous--er--des cuivres, Ma'amzell?

_The P.S._ (_disgustedly_). Wot?--on'y two bloomin' browns fur tykin'
the skites orf them two kids' trotters! I want a shellin' orf o'
you fur that job, _I_ do ... "Not another penny"? Well, if you do
everythink as cheap as you do yer skiting, you orter be puttin' money
by, _you_ ought! That's right, tyke them snivellin' kids 'ome--blast
me if ever I--&c, &c, &c.

    [_Exit party, pursued by powerful metaphors._

_The Egotistic Skater_ (_in charge of a small Niece_). Just see if you
can get along by yourself a little--I'll come back presently. Practise
striking out.

_The Niece_. But, Uncle, directly I strike out, I fall down!

_The E.S._ (_encouragingly_). You will at first, till you get into
it--gives you confidence. Keep on at it--don't stand about, or you'll
catch cold. I shall be keeping my eye on you!

    [_Skates off to better ice._

_The Fancy Skater_ (_to less accomplished Friend_). This is a pretty
figure--sort of variation of the "Cross Cut," ending up with "The
Vine;" it's done this way (_illustrating_), quarter of circle
on outside edge forwards; then sudden stop--(_He sits down with
violence_.) Didn't quite come off that time!

_The Friend_. The sudden stop came off right enough, old fellow!

_The F.S._ I'll show you again--it's really a neat thing when it's
well done; you do it all on one leg, like this--

    [_Executes an elaborate back-fall._

_His Friend_. You seem to do most of it on no legs at all, old chap!

_The F.S._ Haven't practised it lately, that's all. Now here's a
figure I invented myself. "The Swooping Hawk" I call it.

_His Friend_ (_unkindly--as the F.S. comes down in the form of a St.
Andrew's Cross_). Y-yes. More like a Spread Eagle though, ain't it?

_A Pretty Girl_ (_to Mr. ACKMEY, who has been privileged to take
charge of herself and her plain Sister_). Do come and tell me if I'm
doing it right, Mr. ACKMEY. You _said_ you'd go round with me!

_The Plain S._ How can you be so _selfish_, FLORRIE? You've had ever
so much more practice than _I_ have! Mr. ACKMEY, I wish you'd look
at my left boot--it _will_ go like that. Is it my ankle--or what? And
this strap _is_ hurting me so! Couldn't you loosen it, or take me back
to the man, or something? FLORRIE can get on quite well alone, can't
she?

_Mr. A._ (_temporising feebly_). Er--suppose I give _each_ of you a
hand, eh?

_The Plain S._ No; I can't go along fast, like you and LAURA. You
promised to look after me, and I'm perfectly helpless alone!

_The Pretty S._ Then, am I to go by myself, Mr. ACKMEY?

_Mr. A._ I--I think--just for a little, if you don't mind!

_The Pretty S._ Mind? Not a bit! There's CLARA WILLOUGHBY and her
brother on the next ring, I'll go over to them. Take good care of
ALICE, Mr. ACKMET. Good-bye for the present.

    [_She goes; ALICE doesn't think Mr. A. is "nearly so nice
    as he used to be."_

_The Reckless Rough_. Now then, I'm on 'ere. Clear the way, all
of yer! Parties must look out fur theirselves when they see _me_ a
comin', I carn't stop fur nobody!

    [_Rushes round the ring at a tremendous pace._

_An Admiring Sweeper_ (_following his movements with enthusiasm_).
Theer he goes--the Ornimental Skyter! Look at 'im a buzzin' round!
Lor, it's a treat to see 'im bowlin' 'em all over like a lot er
bloomin' ninepins! Go it, ole FRANKY, my son--don't you stop to
apollergise!... Ah, there he goes on his nut agen! _'E_ don't care,
not _'e_!... Orf he goes agin!... That's _another_ on 'em down, and
ole FRANKY atop--'e'll 'ave the ring all to isself presently! Up
agin! Oh, ain't he _lovely_! I never see his loike afore nowheres
... _Round_ yer go--that's the stoyle! My eyes, if he ain't upset
another--a lydy this time--she's done _'er_ skytin fur the d'y, any
'ow! and ole FRANK knocked silly ... Well, I ain't larfed ser much in
all my life! [_He is left laughing._

       *       *       *       *       *

THE CURATE TO HIS SLIPPERS.

  Take, oh take those boots away
    That so nearly are out-worn;
  And those shoes remove, I pray--
    Pumps that but induce the corn;
  But my slippers bring again,
            Bring again--
  Works of love, but worked in vain,
            Worked in vain!

       *       *       *       *       *

Our Own First-Class Clipper sends us the following from the
_Manchester Guardian_, Dec. 11th:--

    GROCERY.--Wanted, a live Sugar Wrapper. Apply, &c.

    SHOE TRADE.--Wanted, good Hand-sewn Men. Apply, &c.

    DRAPERY.--Wanted, for the first three weeks in January, several
    Men, for sale. Apply by letter, stating experience, &c., to ----.

Would a Spirit Rapper be accepted for the first? and a man who had got
a stitch in his side for the second? As for the third, there are so
many people sold at Christmas time, that to provide a few men for sale
would be no very difficult task.

       *       *       *       *       *

NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS.,
Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no
case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed
Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.