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TOASTER'S HANDBOOK

JOKES, STORIES, AND
QUOTATIONS

Compiled by

PEGGY EDMUND

and

HAROLD WORKMAN WILLIAMS

Introductions by

MARY KATHARINE REELY

1916




CONTENTS

  PREFACE

  ON THE POSSESSION OF A SENSE OF HUMOR

  TOASTERS, TOASTMASTERS AND TOASTS

  TOASTER'S HANDBOOK

  INDEX




PREFACE

Nothing so frightens a man as the announcement that he is expected to
respond to a toast on some appallingly near-by occasion. All ideas he
may ever have had on the subject melt away and like a drowning man he
clutches furiously at the nearest solid object. This book is intended
for such rescue purpose, buoyant and trustworthy but, it is to be hoped,
not heavy.

Let the frightened toaster turn first to the key word of his topic in
this dictionary alphabet of selections and perchance he may find toast,
story, definition or verse that may felicitously introduce his remarks.
Then as he proceeds to outline his talk and to put it into sentences, he
may find under one of the many subject headings a bit which will happily
and scintillatingly drive home the ideas he is unfolding.

While the larger part of the contents is humorous, there are inserted
many quotations of a serious nature which may serve as appropriate
literary ballast.

The jokes and quotes gathered for the toaster have been placed under the
subject headings where it seemed that they might be most useful, even at
the risk of the joke turning on the compilers. To extend the usefulness
of such pseudo-cataloging, cross references, similar and dissimilar to
those of a library card catalog, have been included.

Should a large number of the inclusions look familiar, let us remark
that the friends one likes best are those who have been already tried
and trusted and are the most welcome in times of need. However, there
are stories of a rising generation, whose acquaintance all may enjoy.

Nearly all these new and old friends have before this made their bow in
print and since it rarely was certain where they first appeared, little
attempt has been made to credit any source for them. The compilers
hereby make a sweeping acknowledgment to the "funny editors" of many
books and periodicals.




ON THE POSSESSION OF A SENSE OF HUMOR


"Man," says Hazlitt, "is the only animal that laughs and weeps, for he
is the only animal that is struck with the difference between what
things are and what they ought to be." The sources, then, of laughter
and tears come very close together. At the difference between things as
they are and as they ought to be we laugh, or we weep; it would depend,
it seems, on the point of view, or the temperament. And if, as Horace
Walpole once said, "Life is a comedy to those who think, a tragedy to
those who feel," it is the thinking half of humanity that, at the sight
of life's incongruities, is moved to laughter, the feeling half to
tears. A sense of humor, then, is the possession of the thinking half,
and the humorists must be classified at once with the thinkers.

If one were asked to go further than this and to give offhand a
definition of humor, or of that elusive quality, a sense of humor, he
might find himself confronted with a difficulty. Yet certain things
about it would be patent at the outset: Women haven't it; Englishmen
haven't it; it is the chiefest of the virtues, for tho a man speak with
the tongues of men and of angels, if he have not humor we will have none
of him. Women may continue to laugh over those innocent and innocuous
incidents which they find amusing; may continue to write the most
delightful of stories and essays--consider Jane Austen and our own Miss
Repplier--over which appreciative readers may continue to chuckle;
Englishmen may continue, as in the past to produce the most exquisite of
the world's humorous literature--think of Charles Lamb--yet the
fundamental faith of mankind will remain unshaken: women have no sense
of humor, and an Englishman cannot see a joke! And the ability to "see a
joke" is the infallible American test of the sense of humor.

But taking the matter seriously, how would one define humor? When in
doubt, consult the dictionary, is, as always, an excellent motto, and,
following it, we find that our trustworthy friend, Noah Webster, does
not fail us. Here is his definition of humor, ready to hand: humor is
"the mental faculty of discovering, expressing, or appreciating
ludicrous or absurdly incongruous elements in ideas, situations,
happenings, or acts," with the added information that it is
distinguished from wit as "less purely intellectual and having more
kindly sympathy with human nature, and as often blended with pathos." A
friendly rival in lexicography defines the same prized human attribute
more lightly as "a facetious turn of thought," or more specifically in
literature, as "a sportive exercise of the imagination that is apparent
in the choice and treatment of an idea or theme." Isn't there something
about that word "sportive," on the lips of so learned an authority,
that tickles the fancy--appeals to the sense of humor?

Yet if we peruse the dictionary further, especially if we approach that
monument to English scholarship, the great Murray, we shall find that
the problem of defining humor is not so simple as it might seem; for the
word that we use so glibly, with so sure a confidence in its stability,
has had a long and varied history and has answered to many aliases. When
Shakespeare called a man "humorous" he meant that he was changeable and
capricious, not that he was given to a facetious turn of thought or to a
"sportive" exercise of the imagination. When he talks in "The Taming of
the Shrew" of "her mad and head-strong humor" he doesn't mean to imply
that Kate is a practical joker. It is interesting to note in passing
that the old meaning of the word still lingers in the verb "to humor." A
woman still humors her spoiled child and her cantankerous husband when
she yields to their capriciousness. By going hack a step further in
history, to the late fourteenth century, we met Chaucer's physician who
knew "the cause of everye maladye, and where engendered and of what
humour" and find that Chaucer is not speaking of a mental state at all,
but is referring to those physiological humours of which, according to
Hippocrates, the human body contained four: blood, phlegm, bile, and
black bile, and by which the disposition was determined. We find, too,
that at one time a "humour" meant any animal or plant fluid, and again
any kind of moisture. "The skie hangs full of humour, and I think we
shall haue raine," ran an ancient weather prophet's prediction. Which
might give rise to some thoughts on the paradoxical subject of _dry_
humor.

Now in part this development is easily traced. Humor, meaning moisture
of any kind, came to have a biological significance and was applied only
to plant and animal life. It was restricted later within purely
physiological boundaries and was applied only to those "humours" of the
human body that controlled temperament. From these fluids, determining
mental states, the word took on a psychological coloring, but--by what
process of evolution did humor reach its present status! After all, the
scientific method has its weaknesses!

We can, if we wish, define humor in terms of what it is not. We can draw
lines around it and distinguish it from its next of kin, wit. This
indeed has been a favorite pastime with the jugglers of words in all
ages. And many have been the attempts to define humor, to define wit, to
describe and differentiate them, to build high fences to keep them
apart.

"Wit is abrupt, darting, scornful; it tosses its analogies in your face;
humor is slow and shy, insinuating its fun into your heart," says E. P.
Whipple. "Wit is intellectual, humor is emotional; wit is perception of
resemblance, humor of contrast--of contrast between ideal and fact,
theory and practice, promise and performance," writes another authority.
While yet another points out that "Humor is feeling--feelings can always
bear repetition, while wit, being intellectual, suffers by repetition."
The truth of this is evident when we remember that we repeat a witty
saying that we may enjoy the effect on others, while we retell a
humorous story largely for our own enjoyment of it.

Yet it is quite possible that humor ought not to be defined. It may be
one of those intangible substances, like love and beauty, that are
indefinable. It is quite probable that humor should not be explained. It
would be distressing, as some one pointed out, to discover that American
humor is based on American dyspepsia. Yet the philosophers themselves
have endeavored to explain it. Hazlitt held that to understand the
ludicrous, we must first know what the serious is. And to apprehend the
serious, what better course could be followed than to contemplate the
serious--yes and ludicrous--findings of the philosophers in their
attempts to define humor and to explain laughter. Consider Hobbes: "The
passion of laughter is nothing else but sudden glory arising from the
sudden conception of eminency in ourselves by comparison with the
inferiority of others, or with our own formerly." According to Professor
Bain, "Laughter results from the degradation of some person or interest
possessing dignity in circumstances that excite no other strong
emotion." Even Kant, desisting for a time from his contemplation of Pure
Reason, gave his attention to the human phenomenon of laughter and
explained it away as "the result of an expectation which of a sudden
ends in nothing." Some modern cynic has compiled a list of the
situations on the stage which are always "humorous." One of them, I
recall, is the situation in which the clown-acrobat, having made mighty
preparations for jumping over a pile of chairs, suddenly changes his
mind and walks off without attempting it. The laughter that invariably
greets this "funny" maneuver would seem to have philosophical sanction.
Bergson, too, the philosopher of creative evolution, has considered
laughter to the extent of an entire volume. A reading of it leaves one a
little disturbed. Laughter, so we learn, is not the merry-hearted,
jovial companion we had thought him. Laughter is a stern mentor,
characterized by "an absence of feeling." "Laughter," says M. Bergson,
"is above all a corrective, it must make a painful impression on the
person against whom it is directed. By laughter society avenges itself
for the liberties taken with it. It would fail in its object if it bore
the stamp of sympathy or kindness." If this be laughter, grant us
occasionally the saving grace of tears, which may be tears of sympathy,
and, therefore, kind!

But, after all, since it is true that "one touch of humor makes the
whole world grin," what difference does it make what that humor is; what
difference why or wherefore we laugh, since somehow or other, in a sorry
world, we do laugh?

Of the test for a sense of humor, it has already been said that it is
the ability to see a joke. And, as for a joke, the dictionary, again a
present help in time of trouble, tells us at once that it is, "something
said or done for the purpose of exciting a laugh." But stay! Suppose it
does not excite the laugh expected? What of the joke that misses fire?
Shall a joke be judged by its intent or by its consequences? Is a joke
that does not produce a laugh a joke at all? Pragmatically considered it
is not. Agnes Repplier, writing on Humor, speaks of "those beloved
writers whom we hold to be humorists because they have made us laugh."
We hold them to be so--but there seems to be a suggestion that we may be
wrong. Is it possible that the laugh is not the test of the joke? Here
is a question over which the philosophers may wrangle. Is there an
Absolute in the realm of humor, or must our jokes be judged solely by
the pragmatic test? Congreve once told Colly Gibber that there were many
witty speeches in one of Colly's plays, and many that looked witty, yet
were not really what they seemed at first sight! So a joke is not to be
recognized even by its appearance or by the company it keeps. Perhaps
there might be established a test of good usage. A joke would be that at
which the best people laugh.

Somebody--was it Mark Twain?--once said that there are eleven original
jokes in the world--that these were known in prehistoric times, and that
all jokes since have been but modifications and adaptations from the
originals. Miss Repplier, however, gives to modern times the credit for
some inventiveness. Christianity, she says, must be thanked for such
contributions as the missionary and cannibal joke, and for the
interminable variations of St. Peter at the gate. Max Beerbohm once
codified all the English comic papers and found that the following list
comprised all the subjects discussed: Mothers-in-law; Hen-pecked
husbands; Twins; Old maids; Jews; Frenchmen and Germans; Italians and
Niggers; Fatness; Thinness; Long hair (in men); Baldness; Sea sickness;
Stuttering; Bloomers; Bad cheese; Red noses. A like examination of
American newspapers would perhaps result in a slightly different list.
We have, of course, our purely local jokes. Boston will always be a joke
to Chicago, the east to the west. The city girl in the country offers a
perennial source of amusement, as does the country man in the city. And
the foreigner we have always with us, to mix his Y's and J's, distort
his H's, and play havoc with the Anglo-Saxon Th. Indeed our great
American sense of humor has been explained as an outgrowth from the vast
field of incongruities offered by a developing civilization.

It may be that this vaunted national sense has been
over-estimated--exaggeration is a characteristic of that humor,
anyway--but at least it has one of the Christian virtues--it suffereth
long and is kind. Miss Repplier says that it is because we are a
"humorous rather than a witty people that we laugh for the most part
with, and not at our fellow creatures." This, I think, is something that
our fellow creatures from other lands do not always comprehend. I
listened once to a distinguished Frenchman as he addressed the students
in a western university chapel. He was evidently astounded and
embarrassed by the outbursts of laughter that greeted his mildly
humorous remarks. He even stopped to apologize for the deficiencies of
his English, deeming them the cause, and was further mystified by the
little ripple of laughter that met his explanation--a ripple that came
from the hearts of the good-natured students, who meant only to be
appreciative and kind. Foreigners, too, unacquainted with American slang
often find themselves precipitating a laugh for which they are
unprepared. For a bit of current slang, however and whenever used, is
always humorous.

The American is not only a humorous person, he is a practical person. So
it is only natural that the American humor should be put to practical
uses. It was once said that the difference between a man with tact and a
man without was that the man with tact, in trying to put a bit in a
horse's mouth, would first tell him a funny story, while the man without
tact would get an axe. This use of the funny story is the American way
of adapting it to practical ends. A collection of funny stories used to
be an important part of a drummer's stock in trade. It is by means of
the "good story" that the politician makes his way into office; the
business man paves the way for a big deal; the after-dinner speaker gets
a hearing; the hostess saves her guests from boredom. Such a large place
does the "story" hold in our national life that we have invented a
social pastime that might be termed a "joke match." "Don't tell a funny
story, even if you know one," was the advice of the Atchison Globe man,
"its narration will only remind your hearers of a bad one." True as this
may be, we still persist in telling our funny story. Our hearers are
reminded of another, good or bad, which again reminds us--and so on.

A sense of humor, as was intimated before, is the chiefest of the
virtues. It is more than this--it is one of the essentials to success.
For, as has also been pointed out, we, being a practical people, put our
humor to practical uses. It is held up as one of the prerequisites for
entrance to any profession. "A lawyer," says a member of that order,
must have such and such mental and moral qualities; "but before all
else"--and this impressively--"he must possess a sense of humor." Samuel
McChord Crothers says that were he on the examining board for the
granting of certificates to prospective teachers, he would place a copy
of Lamb's essay on Schoolmasters in the hands of each, and if the light
of humorous appreciation failed to dawn as the reading progressed, the
certificate would be withheld. For, before all else, a teacher must
possess a sense of humor! If it be true, then, that the sense of humor
is so important in determining the choice of a profession, how wise are
those writers who hold it an essential for entrance into that most
exacting of professions--matrimony! "Incompatibility in humor," George
Eliot held to be the "most serious cause of diversion." And Stevenson,
always wise, insists that husband and wife must he able to laugh over
the same jokes--have between them many a "grouse in the gun-room" story.
But there must always be exceptions if the spice of life is to be
preserved, and I recall one couple of my acquaintance, devoted and loyal
in spite of this very incompatibility. A man with a highly whimsical
sense of humor had married a woman with none. Yet he told his best
stories with an eye to their effect on her, and when her response came,
peaceful and placid and non-comprehending, he would look about the table
with delight, as much as to say, "Isn't she a wonder? Do you know her
equal?"

Humor may be the greatest of the virtues, yet it is the one of whose
possession we may boast with impunity. "Well, that was too much for my
sense of humor," we say. Or, "You know my sense of humor was always my
strong point." Imagine thus boasting of one's integrity, or sense of
honor! And so is its lack the one vice of which one may not permit
himself to be a trifle proud. "I admit that I have a hot temper," and "I
know I'm extravagant," are simple enough admissions. But did any one
ever openly make the confession, "I know I am lacking in a sense of
humor!" However, to recognize the lack one would first have to possess
the sense--which is manifestly impossible.

"To explain the nature of laughter and tears is to account for the
condition of human life," says Hazlitt, and no philosophy has as yet
succeeded in accounting for the condition of human life. "Man is a
laughing animal," wrote Meredith, "and at the end of infinite search the
philosopher finds himself clinging to laughter as the best of human
fruit, purely human, and sane, and comforting." So whether it be the
corrective laughter of Bergson, Jove laughing at lovers' vows, Love
laughing at locksmiths, or the cheerful laughter of the fool that was
like the crackling of thorns to Koheleth, the preacher, we recognize
that it is good; that without this saving grace of humor life would be
an empty vaunt. I like to recall that ancient usage: "The skie hangs
full of humour, and I think we shall haue raine." Blessed humor, no less
refreshing today than was the humour of old to a parched and thirsty
earth.




TOASTERS, TOASTMASTERS AND TOASTS


Before making any specific suggestions to the prospective toaster or
toastmaster, let us advise that he consider well the nature and spirit
of the occasion which calls for speeches. The toast, after-dinner talk,
or address is always given under conditions that require abounding good
humor, and the desire to make everybody pleased and comfortable as well
as to furnish entertainment should be uppermost.

Perhaps a consideration of the ancient custom that gave rise to the
modern toast will help us to understand the spirit in which a toast
should be given. It originated with the pagan custom of drinking to gods
and the dead, which in Christian nations was modified, with the
accompanying idea of a wish for health and happiness added. In England
during the sixteenth century it was customary to put a "toast" in the
drink, which was usually served hot. This toast was the ordinary piece
of bread scorched on both sides. Shakespeare in "The Merry Wives of
Windsor" has Falstaff say, "Fetch me a quart of sack and put a toast
in't." Later the term came to be applied to the lady in whose honor the
company drank, her name serving to flavor the bumper as the toast
flavored the drink. It was in this way that the act of drinking or of
proposing a health, or the mere act of expressing good wishes or
fellowship at table came to be known as toasting.

Since an occasion, then, at which toasts are in order is one intended to
promote good feeling, it should afford no opportunity for the
exploitation of any personal or selfish interest or for anything
controversial, or antagonistic to any of the company present. The effort
of the toastmaster should be to promote the best of feeling among all
and especially between speakers. And speakers should cooperate with the
toastmaster and with each other to that end. The introductions of the
toastmaster may, of course, contain some good-natured bantering,
together with compliment, but always without sting. Those taking part
may "get back" at the toastmaster, but always in a manner to leave no
hard feeling anywhere. The toastmaster should strive to make his
speakers feel at ease, to give them good standing with their hearers
without overpraising them and making it hard to live up to what is
expected of them. In short, let everybody boost good naturedly for
everybody else.

The toastmaster, and for that matter everyone taking part, should be
carefully prepared. It may be safely said that those who are successful
after-dinner speakers have learned the need of careful forethought. A
practised speaker may appear to speak extemporaneously by putting
together on one occasion thoughts and expressions previously prepared
for other occasions, but the neophyte may well consider it necessary to
think out carefully the matter of what to say and how to say it. Cicero
said of Antonius, "All his speeches were, _in appearance_, the
unpremeditated effusion of an honest heart; and yet, in reality, they
were _preconceived with so much skill_ that the judges were not so well
prepared as they should have been to withstand the force of them!"

After considering the nature of the occasion and getting himself in
harmony with it, the speaker should next consider the relation of his
particular subject to the occasion and to the subjects of the other
speakers. He should be careful to hold closely to the subject allotted
to him so that he will not encroach upon the ground of other speakers.
He should be careful, too, not to appropriate to himself any of their
time. And he should consider, without vanity and without humility, his
own relative importance and govern himself accordingly. We have all had
the painful experience of waiting in impatience for the speech of the
evening to begin while some humble citizen made "a few introductory
remarks."

In planning his speech and in getting it into finished form, the toaster
will do well to remember those three essentials to all good composition
with which he struggled in school and college days, Unity, Mass and
Coherence. The first means that his talk must have a central thought, on
which all his stories, anecdotes and jokes will have a bearing; the
second that there will be a proper balance between the parts, that it
will not be all introduction and conclusion; the third, that it will
hang together, without awkward transitions. A toast may consist, as
Lowell said, of "a platitude, a quotation and an anecdote," but the
toaster must exercise his ingenuity in putting these together.

In delivering the toast, the speaker must of course be natural. The
after-dinner speech calls for a conversational tone, not for oratory of
voice or manner. Something of an air of detachment on the part of the
speaker is advisable. The humorist who can tell a story with a straight
face adds to the humorous effect.

A word might be said to those who plan the program. In the number of
speakers it is better to err in having too few than too many. Especially
is this true if there is one distinguished person who is _the_ speaker
of the occasion. In such a case the number of lesser lights may well be
limited to two or three. The placing of the guest of honor on the
program is a matter of importance. Logically he would be expected to
come last, as the crowning feature. But if the occasion is a large
semi-public affair--a political gathering, for example--where strict
etiquet does not require that all remain thru the entire program, there
will always be those who will leave early, thus missing the best part of
the entertainment. In this case some shifting of speakers, even at the
risk of an anti-climax, would be advisable. On ordinary occasions, where
the speakers are of much the same rank, order will be determined mainly
by subject. And if the topics for discussion are directly related, if
they are all component parts of a general subject, so much the better.

Now we are going to add a special paragraph for the absolutely
inexperienced person--who has never given, or heard anyone else give, a
toast. It would seem hardly possible in this day of banquets to find an
individual who has missed these occasions entirely--but he is to be
found. Especially is this true in a world where toasting and
after-dinner speaking are coming to be more and more in demand at social
functions--the college world. Here the young man or woman, coming from a
country town where the formal banquet is unknown, who has never heard an
after-dinner speech, may be confronted with the necessity of responding
to a toast on, say "Needles and Pins." Such a one would like to be told
first of all what an after-dinner speech is. It is only a short,
informal talk, usually witty, at any rate kindly, with one central idea
and a certain amount of illustrative material in the way of anecdotes,
quotations and stories. The best advice to such a speaker is: Make your
first effort simple. Don't be over ambitious. If, as was suggested in
the example cited a moment ago, the subject is fanciful--as it is very
apt to be at a college banquet--any interpretation you choose to put
upon it is allowable. If the interpretation is ingenious, your case is
already half won. Such a subject is in effect a challenge. "Now, let's
see what you can make of this," is what it implies. First get an idea;
then find something in the way of illustrative material. Speak simply
and naturally and sit down and watch how the others do it. Of course the
subject on such occasions is often of a more serious nature--Our Class;
The Team; Our President--in which case a more serious treatment is
called for, with a touch of honest pride and sentiment.

To sum up what has been said, with borrowings from what others have said
on the subject, the following general rules have been formulated:

_Prepare carefully_. Self-confidence is a valuable possession, but
beware of being too sure of yourself. Pride goes before a fall, and
overconfidence in his ability to improvise has been the downfall of many
a would-be speaker. The speaker should strive to give the effect of
spontaneity, but this can be done only with practice. The toast calls
for the art that conceals art.

_Let your speech have unity_. As some one has pointed out, the
after-dinner speech is a distinct form of expression, just as is the
short story. As such it should give a unity of impression. It bears
something of the same relation to the oration that the short story does
to the novel.

_Let it have continuity_. James Bryce says: "There is a tendency today
to make after-dinner speaking a mere string of anecdotes, most of which
may have little to do with the subject or with one another. Even the
best stories lose their charm when they are dragged in by the head and
shoulders, having no connection with the allotted theme. Relevance as
well as brevity is the soul of wit."

_Do not grow emotional or sentimental_. American traditions are largely
borrowed from England. We have the Anglo-Saxon reticence. A parade of
emotion in public embarrasses us. A simple and sincere expression of
feeling is often desirable in a toast--but don't overdo it.

_Avoid trite sayings_. Don't use quotations that are shopworn, and avoid
the set forms for toasts--"Our sweethearts and wives--may they never
meet," etc.

_Don't apologise_. Don't say that you are not prepared; that you speak
on very short notice; that you are "no orator as Brutus is." Resolve to
do your best and let your effort speak for itself.

_Avoid irony and satire_. It has already been said that occasions on
which toasts are given call for friendliness and good humor. Yet the
temptation to use irony and satire may be strong. Especially may this be
true at political gatherings where there is a chance to grow witty at
the expense of rivals. Irony and satire are keen-edged tools; they have
their uses; but they are dangerous. Pope, who knew how to use them,
said:

    Satire's my weapon, but I'm too discreet
    To run amuck and tilt at all I meet.

_Use personal references sparingly_. A certain amount of good-natured
chaffing may be indulged in. Yet there may be danger in even the most
kindly of fun. One never knows how a jest will be taken. Once in the
early part of his career, Mark Twain, at a New England banquet, grew
funny at the expense of Longfellow and Emerson, then in their old age
and looked upon almost as divinities. His joke fell dead, and to the end
of his life he suffered humiliation at the recollection.

_Be clear_. While you must not draw an obvious moral or explain the
point to your jokes, be sure that the point is there and that it is put
in such a way that your hearers cannot miss it. Avoid flights of
rhetoric and do not lose your anecdotes in a sea of words.

_Avoid didacticism_. Do not try to instruct. Do not give statistics and
figures. They will not be remembered. A historical resume of your
subject from the beginning of time is not called for; neither are
well-known facts about the greatness of your city or state or the
prominent person in whose honor you may be speaking. Do not tell your
hearers things they already know.

_Be brief_. An after-dinner audience is in a particularly defenceless
position. It is so out in the open. There is no opportunity for a quiet
nod or two behind a newspaper or the hat of the lady in front. If you
bore your hearers by overstepping your time politeness requires that
they sit still and look pleased. Spare them. Remember Bacon's advice to
the speaker: "Let him be sure to leave other men their turns to speak."
But suppose you come late on the program! Suppose the other speakers
have not heeded Bacon? What are you going to do about it? Here is a
story that James Bryce tells of the most successful after-dinner speech
he remembers to have heard. The speaker was a famous engineer, the
occasion a dinner of the British Association for the Advancement of
Science. "He came last; and midnight had arrived. His toast was Applied
Science, and his speech was as follows: 'Ladies and gentlemen, at this
late hour I advise you to illustrate the Applications of Science by
applying a lucifer match to the wick of your bedroom candle. Let us all
go to bed'."

If you are capable of making a similar sacrifice by cutting short your
own carefully-prepared, wise, witty and sparkling remarks, your audience
will thank you--and they may ask you to speak again.




TOASTER'S HANDBOOK




ABILITY


"Pa," said little Joe, "I bet I can do something you can't."

"Well, what is it?" demanded his pa.

"Grow," replied the youngster triumphantly.--_H.E. Zimmerman_.




ABOLITION


He was a New Yorker visiting in a South Carolina village and he
sauntered up to a native sitting in front of the general store, and
began a conversation.

"Have you heard about the new manner in which the planters are going to
pick their cotton this season?" he inquired.

"Don't believe I have," answered the other.

"Well, they have decided to import a lot of monkeys to do the picking,"
rejoined the New Yorker. "Monkeys learn readily. They are thorough
workers, and obviously they will save their employers a small fortune
otherwise expended in wages."

"Yes," ejaculated the native, "and about the time this monkey brigade is
beginning to work smoothly, a lot of you fool northerners will come
tearing down here and set 'em free."




ABSENT-MINDEDNESS


SHE--"I consider, John, that sheep are the stupidest creatures living."

HE--(_absent-mindedly_)--"Yes, my lamb."




ACCIDENTS


The late Dr. Henry Thayer, founder of Thayer's Laboratory in Cambridge,
was walking along a street one winter morning. The sidewalk was sheeted
with ice and the doctor was making his way carefully, as was also a
woman going in the opposite direction. In seeking to avoid each other,
both slipped and they came down in a heap. The polite doctor was
overwhelmed and his embarrassment paralyzed his speech, but the woman
was equal to the occasion.

"Doctor, if you will be kind enough to rise and pick out your legs, I
will take what remains," she said cheerfully.


"Help! Help!" cried an Italian laborer near the mud flats of the Harlem
river.

"What's the matter there?" came a voice from the construction shanty.

"Queek! Bringa da shov'! Bringa da peek! Giovanni's stuck in da mud."

"How far in?"

"Up to hees knees."

"Oh, let him walk out."

"No, no! He no canna walk! He wronga end up!"


  There once was a lady from Guam,
  Who said, "Now the sea is so calm
    I will swim, for a lark";
    But she met with a shark.
  Let us now sing the ninetieth psalm.


BRICKLAYER (to mate, who had just had a hodful of bricks fall on his
feet)--"Dropt 'em on yer toe! That's nothin'. Why, I seen a bloke get
killed stone dead, an' 'e never made such a bloomin' fuss as you're
doin'."


A preacher had ordered a load of hay from one of his parishioners. About
noon, the parishioner's little son came to the house crying lustily. On
being asked what the matter was, he said that the load of hay had tipped
over in the street. The preacher, a kindly man, assured the little
fellow that it was nothing serious, and asked him in to dinner.

"Pa wouldn't like it," said the boy.

But the preacher assured him that he would fix it all right with his
father, and urged him to take dinner before going for the hay. After
dinner the boy was asked if he were not glad that he had stayed.

"Pa won't like it," he persisted.

The preacher, unable to understand, asked the boy what made him think
his father would object.

"Why, you see, pa's under the hay," explained the boy.


  There was an old Miss from Antrim,
  Who looked for the leak with a glim.
    Alack and alas!
    The cause was the gas.
  We will now sing the fifty-fourth hymn.

  --_Gilbert K. Chesterton_.


  There was a young lady named Hannah,
  Who slipped on a peel of banana.
    More stars she espied
    As she lay on her side
  Than are found in the Star Spangled Banner.

  A gentleman sprang to assist her;
  He picked up her glove and her wrister;
    "Did you fall, Ma'am?" he cried;
    "Did you think," she replied,
  "I sat down for the fun of it, Mister?"


  At first laying down, as a fact fundamental,
  That nothing with God can be accidental.

  --_Longfellow_.




ACTING


Hopkinson Smith tells a characteristic story of a southern friend of
his, an actor, who, by the way, was in the dramatization of _Colonel
Carter_. On one occasion the actor was appearing in his native town, and
remembered an old negro and his wife, who had been body servants in his
father's household, with a couple of seats in the theatre. As it
happened, he was playing the part of the villain, and was largely
concerned with treasons, stratagems and spoils. From time to time he
caught a glimpse of the ancient couple in the gallery, and judged from
their fearsome countenance and popping eyes that they were being duly
impressed.

After the play he asked them to come and see him behind the scenes. They
sat together for a while in solemn silence, and then the mammy
resolutely nudged her husband. The old man gathered himself together
with an effort, and said: "Marse Cha'les, mebbe it ain' for us po'
niggers to teach ouh young masser 'portment. But we jes' got to tell yo'
dat, in all de time we b'long to de fambly, none o' ouh folks ain' neveh
befo' mix up in sechlike dealin's, an' we hope, Marse Cha'les, dat yo'
see de erroh of yo' ways befo' yo' done sho' nuff disgrace us."


In a North of England town recently a company of local amateurs produced
Hamlet, and the following account of the proceedings appeared in the
local paper next morning:

"Last night all the fashionables and elite of our town gathered to
witness a performance of _Hamlet_ at the Town Hall. There has been
considerable discussion in the press as to whether the play was written
by Shakespeare or Bacon. All doubt can be now set at rest. Let their
graves be opened; the one who turned over last night is the author."


Suit the action to the word, the word to the action, with this special
observance, that you o'erstep not the modesty of nature.--_Shakespeare_.


  To wake the soul by tender strokes of art,
  To raise the genius, and to mend the heart;
  To make mankind, in conscious virtue bold,
  Live o'er each scene, and be what they behold--
  For this the tragic muse first trod the stage.

  --_Pope_.




ACTORS AND ACTRESSES


An "Uncle Tom's Cabin" company was starting to parade in a small New
England town when a big gander, from a farmyard near at hand waddled to
the middle of the street and began to hiss.

One of the double-in-brass actors turned toward the fowl and angrily
exclaimed:

"Don't be so dern quick to jump at conclusions. Wait till you see the
show."--_K.A. Bisbee_.


When William H. Crane was younger and less discreet he had a vaunting
ambition to play _Hamlet_. So with his first profits he organized his
own company and he went to an inland western town to give vent to his
ambition and "try it on."

When he came back to New York a group of friends noticed that the actor
appeared to be much downcast.

"What's the matter, Crane? Didn't they appreciate it?" asked one of his
friends.

"They didn't seem to," laconically answered the actor.

"Well, didn't they give any encouragement? Didn't they ask you to come
before the curtain?" persisted the friend.

"Ask me?" answered Crane. "Man, they dared me!"


LEADING MAN IN TRAVELING COMPANY--"We play _Hamlet_ to-night, laddie, do
we not?"

SUB-MANAGER--"Yes, Mr. Montgomery."

LEADING MAN--"Then I must borrow the sum of two-pence!"

SUB-MANAGER--"Why?"

LEADING MAN--"I have four days' growth upon my chin. One cannot play
_Hamlet_ in a beard!"

SUB-MANAGER--"Um--well--we'll put on Macbeth!"


HE--"But what reason have you for refusing to marry me?"

SHE--"Papa objects. He says you are an actor."

HE-"Give my regards to the old boy and tell him I'm sorry he isn't a
newspaper critic."


The hero of the play, after putting up a stiff fight with the villain,
had died to slow music.

The audience insisted on his coming before the curtain.

He refused to appear.

But the audience still insisted.

Then the manager, a gentleman with a strong accent, came to the front.

"Ladies an' gintlemen," he said, "the carpse thanks ye kindly, but he
says he's dead, an' he's goin to stay dead."


Mrs. Minnie Maddern Fiske, the actress, was having her hair dressed by a
young woman at her home. The actress was very tired and quiet, but a
chance remark from the dresser made her open her eyes and sit up.

"I should have went on the stage," said the young woman complacently.

"But," returned Mrs. Fiske, "look at me--think how I have had to work
and study to gain what success I have, and win such fame as is now
mine!"

"Oh, yes," replied the young woman calmly; "but then I have talent."


Orlando Day, a fourth-rate actor in London, was once called, in a sudden
emergency, to supply the place of Allen Ainsworth at the Criterion
Theatre for a single night.

The call filled him with joy. Here was a chance to show the public how
great a histrionic genius had remained unknown for lack of an
opportunity. But his joy was suddenly dampened by the dreadful thought
that, as the play was already in the midst of its run, none of the
dramatic critics might be there to watch his triumph.

A bright thought struck him. He would announce the event. Rushing to a
telegraph office, he sent to one of the leading critics the following
telegram: "Orlando Day presents Allen Ainsworth's part to-night at the
Criterion."

Then it occurred to him, "Why not tell them all?" So he repeated the
message to a dozen or more important persons.

At a late hour of the same day, in the Garrick Club, a lounging
gentleman produced one of the telegrams, and read it to a group of
friends. A chorus of exclamations followed the reading: "Why, I got
precisely the same message!" "And so did I." "And I, too." "Who is
Orlando Day?" "What beastly cheek!" "Did the ass fancy that one would
pay any attention to his wire?"

J. M. Barrie, the famous author and playwright, who was present, was the
only one who said nothing.

"Didn't he wire you too?" asked one of the group.

"Oh, yes."

"But of course you didn't answer."

"Oh, but it was only polite to send an answer after he had taken the
trouble to wire me. So, of course, I answered him."

"You did! What did you say?"

"Oh, I just telegraphed him: 'Thanks for timely warning.'"


  Twinkle, twinkle, lovely star!
  How I wonder if you are
  When at home the tender age
  You appear when on the stage.

  --_Mary A. Fairchild_.


Recipe for an actor:

  To one slice of ham add assortment of roles.
    Steep the head in mash notes till it swells,
  Garnish with onions, tomatoes and beets,
    Or with eggs--from afar--in the shells.

  --_Life_.


Recipe for an ingenue:

  A pound and three-quarters of kitten,
    Three ounces of flounces and sighs;
  Add wiggles and giggles and gurgles,
    And ringlets and dimples and eyes.

  --_Life_.




ADAPTATION


"I know a nature-faker," said Mr. Bache, the author, "who claims that a
hen of his last month hatched, from a setting of seventeen eggs,
seventeen chicks that had, in lieu of feathers, fur.

"He claimed that these fur-coated chicks were a proof of nature's
adaptation of all animals to their environment, the seventeen eggs
having been of the cold-storage variety."




ADDRESSES


In a large store a child, pointing to a shopper exclaimed, "Oh, mother,
that lady lives the same place we do. I just heard her say, 'Send it up
C.O.D.' Isn't that where we live?"


An Englishman went into his local library and asked for Frederic
Harrison's _George Washington and other American Addresses_. In a little
while he brought back the book to the librarian and said:

"This book does not give me what I require; I want to find out the
addresses of several American magnates; I know where George Washington
has gone to, for he never told a lie."




ADVERTISING


Not long ago a patron of a café in Chicago summoned his waiter and
delivered himself as follows:

"I want to know the meaning of this. Look at this piece of beef. See its
size. Last evening I was served with a portion more than twice the size
of this."

"Where did you sit?" asked the waiter.

"What has that to do with it? I believe I sat by the window."

"In that case," smiled the waiter, "the explanation is simple. We always
serve customers by the window large portions. It's a good advertisement
for the place."


"Advertising costs me a lot of money."

"Why I never saw your goods advertised."

"They aren't. But my wife reads other people's ads."


When Mark Twain, in his early days, was editor of a Missouri paper, a
superstitious subscriber wrote to him saying that he had found a spider
in his paper, and asking him whether that was a sign of good luck or
bad. The humorist wrote him this answer and printed it:

"Old subscriber: Finding a spider in your paper was neither good luck
nor bad luck for you. The spider was merely looking over our paper to
see which merchant is not advertising, so that he can go to that store,
spin his web across the door and lead a life of undisturbed peace ever
afterward."


"Good Heavens, man! I saw your obituary in this morning's paper!"

"Yes, I know. I put it in myself. My opera is to be produced to-night,
and I want good notices from the critics."--_C. Hilton Turvey_.


Paderewski arrived in a small western town about noon one day and
decided to take a walk in the afternoon. While strolling ling along he
heard a piano, and, following the sound, came to a house on which was a
sign reading:

"Miss Jones. Piano lessons 25 cents an hour."

Pausing to listen he heard the young woman trying to play one of
Chopin's nocturnes, and not succeeding very well.

Paderewski walked up to the house and knocked. Miss Jones came to the
door and recognized him at once. Delighted, she invited him in and he
sat down and played the nocturne as only Paderewski can, afterward
spending an hour in correcting her mistakes. Miss Jones thanked him and
he departed.

Some months afterward he returned to the town, and again took the same
walk.

He soon came to the home of Miss Jones, and, looking at the sign, he
read:

"Miss Jones. Piano lessons $1.00 an hour. (Pupil of Paderewski.)"


Shortly after Raymond Hitchcock made his first big hit in New York,
Eddie Foy, who was also playing in town, happened to be passing Daly's
Theatre, and paused to look at the pictures of Hitchcock and his company
that adorned the entrance. Near the pictures was a billboard covered
with laudatory extracts from newspaper criticisms of the show.

When Foy had moodily read to the bottom of the list, he turned to an
unobtrusive young man who had been watching him out of the corner of his
eye.

"Say, have you seen this show?" he asked.

"Sure," replied the young man.

"Any good? How's this guy Hitchcock, anyhow?"

"Any good?" repeated the young man pityingly. "Why, say, he's the best
in the business. He's got all these other would-be side-ticklers lashed
to the mast. He's a scream. Never laughed so much at any one in all my
life."

"Is he as good as Foy?" ventured Foy hopefully.

"As good as Foy!" The young man's scorn was superb. "Why, this Hitchcock
has got that Foy person looking like a gloom. They're not in the same
class. Hitchcock's funny. A man with feelings can't compare them. I'm
sorry you asked me, I feel so strongly about it."

Eddie looked at him very sternly and then, in the hollow tones of a
tragedian, he said:

"I am Foy."

"I know you are," said the young man cheerfully. "I'm Hitchcock!"


Advertisements are of great use to the vulgar. First of all, as they are
instruments of ambition. A man that is by no means big enough for the
Gazette, may easily creep into the advertisements; by which means we
often see an apothecary in the same paper of news with a
plenipotentiary, or a running footman with an ambassador.--_Addison_.


_See also_ Salesmen and Salesmanship.




ADVICE


Her exalted rank did not give Queen Victoria immunity from the trials of
a grandmother. One of her grandsons, whose recklessness in spending
money provoked her strong disapproval, wrote to the Queen reminding her
of his approaching birthday and delicately suggesting that money would
be the most acceptable gift. In her own hand she answered, sternly
reproving the youth for the sin of extravagance and urging upon him the
practise of economy. His reply staggered her:

"Dear Grandma," it ran, "thank you for your kind letter of advice. I
have sold the same for five pounds."


Many receive advice, only the wise profit by it.--_Publius Syrus_.




AERONAUTICS


  A flea and a fly in a flue,
  Were imprisoned; now what could they do?
    Said the fly, "let us flee."
    "Let us fly," said the flea,
  And they flew through a flaw in the flue.


The impression that men will never fly like birds seems to be
aeroneous.--_La Touche Hancock_.




AEROPLANES


  "Mother, may I go aeroplane?"
    "Yes, my darling Mary.
  Tie yourself to an anchor chain
    And don't go near the airy."

  --_Judge_.


Harry N. Atwood, the noted aviator, was the guest of honor at a dinner
in New York, and on the occasion his eloquent reply to a toast on
aviation terminated neatly with these words:

"The aeroplane has come at last, but it was a long time coming. We can
imagine Necessity, the mother of invention, looking up at a sky all
criss-crossed with flying machines, and then saying, with a shake of her
old head and with a contented smile:

"'Of all my family, the aeroplane has been the hardest to raise.'"


  A genius who once did aspire
  To invent an aerial flyer,
    When asked, "Does it go?"
    Replied, "I don't know;
  I'm awaiting some damphule to try 'er."




AFTER DINNER SPEECHES


A Frenchman once remarked:

"The table is the only place where one is not bored for the first hour."


  Every rose has its thorn
    There's fuzz on all the peaches.
  There never was a dinner yet
    Without some lengthy speeches.


Joseph Chamberlain was the guest of honor at a dinner in an important
city. The Mayor presided, and when coffee was being served the Mayor
leaned over and touched Mr. Chamberlain, saying, "Shall we let the
people enjoy themselves a little longer, or had we better have your
speech now?"


"Friend," said one immigrant to another, "this is a grand country to
settle in. They don't hang you here for murder."

"What do they do to you?" the other immigrant asked.

"They kill you," was the reply, "with elocution."


When Daniel got into the lions' den and looked around he thought to
himself, "Whoever's got to do the after-dinner speaking, it won't be
me."


Joseph H. Choate and Chauncey Depew were invited to a dinner. Mr. Choate
was to speak, and it fell to the lot of Mr. Depew to introduce him,
which he did thus: "Gentlemen, permit me to introduce Ambassador Choate,
America's most inveterate after-dinner speaker. All you need to do to
get a speech out of Mr. Choate is to open his mouth, drop in a dinner
and up comes your speech."

Mr. Choate thanked the Senator for his compliment, and then said: "Mr.
Depew says if you open my mouth and drop in a dinner up will come a
speech, but I warn you that if you open your mouths and drop in one of
Senator Depew's speeches up will come your dinners."


Mr. John C. Hackett recently told the following story:

"I was up in Rockland County last summer, and there was a banquet given
at a country hotel. All the farmers were there and all the village
characters. I was asked to make a speech.

"'Now,' said I, with the usual apologetic manner, 'it is not fair to you
that the toastmaster should ask me to speak. I am notorious as the worst
public speaker in the State of New York. My reputation extends from one
end of the state to the other. I have no rival whatever, when it
comes--' I was interrupted by a lanky, ill-clad individual, who had
stuck too close to the beer pitcher.

"'Gentlemen,' said he, 'I take 'ception to what this here man says. He
ain't the worst public speaker in the state. I am. You all know it, an'
I want it made a matter of record that I took 'ception.'

"'Well, my friend,' said I, 'suppose we leave it to the guests. You sit
down while I say my piece, and then I'll sit down and let you give a
demonstration.' The fellow agreed and I went on. I hadn't gone far when
he got up again.

"''S all right,' said he, 'you win; needn't go no farther!'"


Mark Twain and Chauncey M. Depew once went abroad on the same ship. When
the ship was a few days out they were both invited to a dinner.
Speech-making time came. Mark Twain had the first chance. He spoke
twenty minutes and made a great hit. Then it was Mr. Depew's turn.

"Mr. Toastmaster and Ladies and Gentlemen," said the famous raconteur as
he arose, "Before this dinner Mark Twain and myself made an agreement to
trade speeches. He has just delivered my speech, and I thank you for the
pleasant manner in which you received it. I regret to say that I have
lost the notes of his speech and cannot remember anything he was to
say."

Then he sat down. There was much laughter. Next day an Englishman who
had been in the party came across Mark Twain in the smoking-room. "Mr
Clemens," he said, "I consider you were much imposed upon last night. I
have always heard that Mr. Depew is a clever man, but, really, that
speech of his you made last night struck me as being the most infernal
rot."


_See also_ Orators; Politicians; Public Speakers.




AGE


The good die young. Here's hoping that you may live to a ripe old age.


"How old are you, Tommy?" asked a caller.

"Well, when I'm home I'm five, when I'm in school I'm six, and when I'm
on the cars I'm four."


"How effusively sweet that Mrs. Blondey is to you, Jonesy," said
Witherell. "What's up? Any tender little romance there?"

"No, indeed--why, that woman hates me," said Jonesy.

"She doesn't show it," said Witherell.

"No; but she knows I know how old she is--we were both born on the same
day," said Jonesy, "and she's afraid I'll tell somebody."


As every southerner knows, elderly colored people rarely know how old
they are, and almost invariably assume an age much greater than belongs
to them. In an Atlanta family there is employed an old chap named Joshua
Bolton, who has been with that family and the previous generation for
more years than they can remember. In view, therefore, of his advanced
age, it was with surprise that his employer received one day an
application for a few days off, in order that the old fellow might, as
he put it, "go up to de ole State of Virginny" to see his aunt.

"Your aunt must be pretty old," was the employer's comment.

"Yassir," said Joshua. "She's pretty ole now. I reckon she's 'bout a
hundred an' ten years ole."

"One hundred and ten! But what on earth is she doing up in Virginia?"

"I don't jest know," explained Joshua, "but I understand she's up dere
livin' wif her grandmother."


When "Bob" Burdette was addressing the graduating class of a large
eastern college for women, he began his remarks with the usual
salutation, "Young ladies of '97." Then in a horrified aside he added,
"That's an awful age for a girl!"


THE PARSON (about to improve the golden hour)--"When a man reaches your
age, Mr. Dodd, he cannot, in the nature of things, expect to live very
much longer, and I--"

THE NONAGENARIAN--"I dunno, parson. I be stronger on my legs than I were
when I started!"


A well-meaning Washington florist was the cause of much embarrassment to
a young man who was in love with a rich and beautiful girl.

It appears that one afternoon she informed the young man that the next
day would be her birthday, whereupon the suitor remarked that he would
the next morning send her some roses, one rose for each year.

That night he wrote a note to his florist, ordering the delivery of
twenty roses for the young woman. The florist himself filled the order,
and, thinking to improve on it, said to his clerk:

"Here's an order from young Jones for twenty roses. He's one of my best
customers, so I'll throw in ten more for good measure."--_Edwin Tarrisse_.


A small boy who had recently passed his fifth birthday was riding in a
suburban car with his mother, when they were asked the customary
question, "How old is the boy?" After being told the correct age, which
did not require a fare, the conductor passed on to the next person.

The boy sat quite still as if pondering over some question, and then,
concluding that full information had not been given, called loudly to
the conductor, then at the other end of the car: "And mother's
thirty-one!"


The late John Bigelow, the patriarch of diplomats and authors, and the
no less distinguished physician and author, Dr. S. Weir Mitchell, were
together, several years ago, at West Point. Dr. Bigelow was then
ninety-two, and Dr. Mitchell eighty.

The conversation turned to the subject of age. "I attribute my many
years," said Dr. Bigelow, "to the fact that I have been most abstemious.
I have eaten sparingly, and have not used tobacco, and have taken little
exercise."

"It is just the reverse in my case," explained Dr. Mitchell. "I have
eaten just as much as I wished, if I could get it; I have always used
tobacco, immoderately at times; and I have always taken a great deal of
exercise."

With that, Ninety-Two-Years shook his head at Eighty-Years and said,
"Well, you will never live to be an old man!"--_Sarah Bache Hodge_.


A wise man never puts away childish things.--_Sidney Dark_.


  To the old, long life and treasure;
  To the young, all health and pleasure.

  --_Ben Jonson_.


Youth is a blunder; Manhood a struggle; Old Age a regret.--_Disraeli_.


We do not count a man's years, until he has nothing else to
count.--_Emerson_.


To be seventy years young is sometimes far more cheerful and hopeful
than to be forty years old.--_O.W. Holmes_.




AGENTS


"John, whatever induced you to buy a house in this forsaken region?"

"One of the best men in the business."--_Life_.




AGRICULTURE


A farmer, according to this definition, is a man who makes his money on
the farm and spends it in town. An agriculturist is a man who makes his
money in town and spends it on the farm.


In certain parts of the west, where without irrigation the cultivators
of the land would be in a bad way indeed, the light rains that during
the growing season fall from time to time, are appreciated to a degree
that is unknown in the east.

Last summer a fruit grower who owns fifty acres of orchards was
rejoicing in one of these precipitations of moisture, when his hired man
came into the house.

"Why don't you stay in out of the rain?" asked the fruit-man.

"I don't mind a little dew like this," said the man. "I can work along
just the same."

"Oh, I'm not talking about that," exclaimed the fruit-man. "The next
time it rains, you can come into the house. I want that water on the
land."


  They used to have a farming rule
  Of forty acres and a mule.
  Results were won by later men
  With forty square feet and a hen.
  And nowadays success we see
  With forty inches and a bee.

  --_Wasp_.


Blessed be agriculture! if one does not have too much of it.--_Charles
Dudley Warner_.


When tillage begins, other arts follow. The farmers, therefore, are the
founders of human civilization.--_Daniel Webster_.




ALARM CLOCKS


MIKE (in bed, to alarm-clock as it goes off)--"I fooled yez that time. I
was not aslape at all."




ALERTNESS


"Alert?" repeated a congressman, when questioned concerning one of his
political opponents. "Why, he's alert as a Providence bridegroom I heard
of the other day. You know how bridegrooms starting off on their
honeymoons sometimes forget all about their brides, and buy tickets only
for themselves? That is what happened to the Providence young man. And
when his wife said to him, 'Why, Tom, you bought only one ticket,' he
answered without a moment's hesitation, 'By Jove, you're right, dear!
I'd forgotten myself entirely!'"




ALIBI


A party of Manila army women were returning in an auto from a suburban
excursion when the driver unfortunately collided with another vehicle.
While a policeman was taking down the names of those concerned an
"English-speaking" Filipino law-student politely asked one of the ladies
how the accident had happened.

"I'm sure I don't know," she replied; "I was asleep when it occurred."

Proud of his knowledge of the Anglo-Saxon tongue, the youth replied:

"Ah, madam, then you will be able to prove a lullaby."




ALIMONY


"What is alimony, ma?"

"It is a man's cash surrender value."--_Town Topics_


The proof of the wedding is in the alimony.




ALLOWANCES


"Why don't you give your wife an allowance?"

"I did once, and she spent it before I could borrow it back."




ALTERNATIVES


_See_ Choices.




ALTRUISM


WILLIE--"Pa!"

PA--"Yes."

WILLIE--"Teacher says we're here to help others."

PA--"Of course we are."

WILLIE--"Well, what are the others here for?"


There was once a remarkably kind boy who was a great angler. There was a
trout stream in his neighborhood that ran through a rich man's estate.
Permits to fish the stream could now and then be obtained, and the boy
was lucky enough to have a permit.

One day he was fishing with another boy when a gamekeeper suddenly
darted forth from a thicket. The lad with the permit uttered a cry of
fright, dropped his rod, and ran off at top speed. The gamekeeper
pursued.

For about half a mile the gamekeeper was led a swift and difficult
chase. Then, worn out, the boy halted. The man seized him by the arm and
said between pants:

"Have you a permit to fish on this estate?

"Yes to be sure," said the boy, quietly.

"You have? Then show it to me."

The boy drew the permit from his pocket. The man examined it and frowned
in perplexity and anger.

"Why did you run when you had this permit?" he asked.

"To let the other boy get away," was the reply. "He didn't have none!"




AMBITION


Oliver Herford sat next to a soulful poetess at dinner one night, and
that dreamy one turned her sad eyes upon him. "Have you no other
ambition, Mr. Herford," she demanded, "than to force people to degrade
themselves by laughter?"

Yes, Herford had an ambition. A whale of an ambition. Some day he hoped
to gratify it.

The woman rested her elbows on the table and propped her face in her
long, sad hands, and glowed into Mr. Herford's eyes. "Oh, Mr. Herford,"
she said, "Oliver! Tell me about it."

"I want to throw an egg into an electric fan," said Herford, simply.


"Hubby," said the observant wife, "the janitor of these flats is a
bachelor."

"What of it?"

"I really think he is becoming interested in our oldest daughter."

"There you go again with your pipe dreams! Last week it was a duke."


The chief end of a man in New York is dissipation; in Boston,
conversation.


When you are aspiring to the highest place, it is honorable to reach the
second or even the third rank.--_Cicero_.


  The man who seeks one thing in life, and but one,
  May hope to achieve it before life be done;
  But he who seeks all things, wherever he goes,
  Only reaps from the hopes which around him he sows
  A harvest of barren regrets.

  --_Owen Meredith_




AMERICAN GIRL


  Here's to the dearest
    Of all things on earth.
  (Dearest precisely--
    And yet of full worth.)
  One who lays siege to
    Susceptible hearts.
  (Pocket-books also--
    That's one of her arts!)
  Drink to her, toast her,
    Your banner unfurl--
  Here's to the _priceless_
    American Girl!

  --_Walter Pulitzer_.




AMERICANS


Eugene Field was at a dinner in London when the conversation turned to
the subject of lynching in the United States.

It was the general opinion that a large percentage of Americans met
death at the end of a rope. Finally the hostess turned to Field and
asked:

"You, sir, must have often seen these affairs?"

"Yes," replied Field, "hundreds of them."

"Oh, do tell us about a lynching you have seen yourself," broke in half
a dozen voices at once.

"Well, the night before I sailed for England," said Field, "I was giving
a dinner at a hotel to a party of intimate friends when a colored waiter
spilled a plate of soup over the gown of a lady at an adjoining table.
The gown was utterly ruined, and the gentlemen of her party at once
seized the waiter, tied a rope around his neck, and at a signal from the
injured lady swung him into the air."

"Horrible!" said the hostess with a shudder. "And did you actually see
this yourself?"

"Well, no," admitted Field apologetically. "Just at that moment I
happened to be downstairs killing the chef for putting mustard in the
blanc mange."


  You can always tell the English,
  You can always tell the Dutch,
  You can always tell the Yankees--
  But you can't tell them _much!_




AMUSEMENTS


A newspaper thus defined amusements:

The Friends' picnic this year was not as well attended as it has been
for some years. This can be laid to three causes, viz.: the change of
place in holding it, deaths in families, and other amusements.


  I wish that my room had a floor;
  I don't so much care for a door;
    But this crawling around
    Without touching the ground
  Is getting to be quite a bore.


I am a great friend to public amusements; for they keep people from
vice.--_Samuel Johnson_.




ANATOMY


TOMMY--"My gran'pa wuz in th' civil war, an' he lost a leg or a arm in
every battle he fit in!"

JOHNNY--"Gee! How many battles was he in?"

TOMMY--"About forty."


They thought more of the Legion of Honor in the time of the first
Napoleon than they do now. The emperor one day met an old one-armed
veteran.

"How did you lose your arm?" he asked.

"Sire, at Austerlitz."

"And were you not decorated?"

"No, sire."

"Then here is my own cross for you; I make you chevalier."

"Your Majesty names me chevalier because I have lost one arm. What would
your Majesty have done had I lost both arms?"

"Oh, in that case I should have made you Officer of the Legion."

Whereupon the old soldier immediately drew his sword and cut off his
other arm.

There is no particular reason to doubt this story. The only question is,
how did he do it?




ANCESTRY


A western buyer is inordinately proud of the fact that one of his
ancestors affixed his name to the Declaration of Independence. At the
time the salesman called, the buyer was signing a number of checks and
affixed his signature with many a curve and flourish. The salesman's
patience becoming exhausted in waiting for the buyer to recognize him,
he finally observed:

"You have a fine signature, Mr. So-and-So."

"Yes," admitted the buyer, "I should have. One of my forefathers signed
the Declaration of Independence."

"So?" said the caller, with rising inflection. And then he added:

"Vell, you aind't got nottings on me. One of my forefathers signed the
Ten Commandments."


In a speech in the Senate on Hawaiian affairs, Senator Depew of New York
told this story:

When Queen Liliuokalani was in England during the English queen's
jubilee, she was received at Buckingham Palace. In the course of the
remarks that passed between the two queens, the one from the Sandwich
Islands said that she had English blood in her veins.

"How so?" inquired Victoria.

"My ancestors ate Captain Cook."


Signor Marconi, in an interview in Washington, praised American
democracy.

"Over here," he said, "you respect a man for what he is himself--not for
what his family is--and thus you remind me of the gardener in Bologna
who helped me with my first wireless apparatus.

"As my mother's gardener and I were working on my apparatus together a
young count joined us one day, and while he watched us work the count
boasted of his lineage.

"The gardener, after listening a long while, smiled and said:

"'If you come from an ancient family, it's so much the worse for you
sir; for, as we gardeners say, the older the seed the worse the crop.'"


"Gerald," said the young wife, noticing how heartily he was eating, "do
I cook as well as your mother did?"

Gerald put up his monocle, and stared at her through it.

"Once and for all, Agatha," he said, "I beg you will remember that
although I may seem to be in reduced circumstances now, I come of an old
and distinguished family. My mother was not a cook."


"My ancestors came over in the 'Mayflower.'"

"That's nothing; my father descended from an aëroplane."--_Life_.


When in England, Governor Foss, of Massachusetts, had luncheon with a
prominent Englishman noted for boasting of his ancestry. Taking a coin
from his pocket, the Englishman said: "My great-great-grandfather was
made a lord by the king whose picture you see on this shilling."
"Indeed!" replied the governor, smiling, as he produced another coin.
"What a coincidence! My great-great-grandfather was made an angel by the
Indian whose picture you see on this cent."


People will not look forward to posterity, who never look backward to
their ancestors.--_Burke_.


  From yon blue heavens above us bent,
  The gardener Adam and his wife
  Smile at the claims of long descent.

  --_Tennyson_.




ANGER


Charlie and Nancy had quarreled. After their supper Mother tried to
re-establish friendly relations. She told them of the Bible verse, "Let
not the sun go down upon your wrath."

"Now, Charlie," she pleaded, "are you going to let the sun go down on
your wrath?"

Charlie squirmed a little. Then:

"Well, how can _I_ stop it?"


When a husband loses his temper he usually finds his wife's.


It is easy enough to restrain our wrath when the other fellow is the
bigger.




ANNIVERSARIES


MRS. JONES--"Does your husband remember your wedding anniversary?"

MRS. SMITH--"No; so I remind him of it in January and June, and get two
presents."




ANTIDOTES


"Suppose," asked the professor in chemistry, "that you were summoned to
the side of a patient who had accidentally swallowed a heavy dose of
oxalic acid, what would you administer?"

The student who, studying for the ministry, took chemistry because it
was obligatory in the course, replied, "I would administer the
sacrament."




APPEARANCES


"How fat and well your little boy looks."

"Ah, you should never judge from appearances. He's got a gumboil on one
side of his face and he has been stung by a wasp on the other."




APPLAUSE


A certain theatrical troupe, after a dreary and unsuccessful tour,
finally arrived in a small New Jersey town. That night, though there was
no furore or general uprising of the audience, there was enough
hand-clapping to arouse the troupe's dejected spirits. The leading man
stepped to the foot-lights after the first act and bowed profoundly.
Still the clapping continued.

When he went behind the scenes he saw an Irish stagehand laughing
heartily. "Well, what do you think of that?" asked the actor, throwing
out his chest.

"What d'ye mane?" replied the Irishman.

"Why, the hand-clapping out there," was the reply.

"Hand-clapping?"

"Yes," said the Thespian, "they are giving me enough applause to show
they appreciate me."

"D'ye call thot applause?" inquired the old fellow. "Whoi, thot's not
applause. Thot's the audience killin' mosquitoes."


Applause is the spur of noble minds, the end and aim of weak
ones.--_Colton_.


O Popular Applause! what heart of man is proof against thy sweet,
seducing charms?--_Cowper_.




ARBITRATION INTERNATIONAL


A war was going on, and one day, the papers being full of the grim
details of a bloody battle, a woman said to her husband:

"This slaughter is shocking. It's fiendish. Can nothing he done to stop
it?"

"I'm afraid not," her husband answered.

"Why don't both sides come together and arbitrate?" she cried.

"They did," said he. "They did, 'way back in June. That's how the
gol-durned thing started."




ARITHMETIC


"He seems to be very clever."

"Yes, indeed, he can even do the problems that his children have to work
out at school."


SONNY--"Aw, pop, I don't wanter study arithmetic."

POP--"What! a son of mine grow up and not he able to figure up baseball
scores and batting averages? Never!"


TEACHER--"Now, Johnny, suppose I should borrow $100 from your father and
should pay him $10 a month for ten months, how much would I then owe
him?"

JOHNNY--"About $3 interest."


"See how I can count, mama," said Kitty. "There's my right foot. That's
one. There's my left foot. That's two. Two and one make three. Three
feet make a yard, and I want to go out and play in it!"


"Two old salts who had spent most of their lives on fishing smacks had
an argument one day as to which was the better mathematician," said
George C. Wiedenmayer the other day. "Finally the captain of their ship
proposed the following problem which each would try to work out: 'If a
fishing crew caught 500 pounds of cod and brought their catch to port
and sold it at 6 cents a pound, how much would they receive for the
fish?'

"Well, the two old fellows got to work, but neither seemed able to
master the intricacies of the deal in fish, and they were unable to get
any answer.

"At last old Bill turned to the captain and asked him to repeat the
problem. The captain started off: 'If a fishing crew caught 500 pounds
of cod and--.'

"'Wait a moment,' said Bill, 'is it codfish they caught?'

"'Yep,' said the captain.

"'Darn it all,' said Bill. 'No wonder I couldn't get an answer. Here
I've been figuring on salmon all the time.'"




ARMIES


A new volunteer at a national guard encampment who had not quite learned
his business, was on sentry duty, one night, when a friend brought a pie
from the canteen.

As he sat on the grass eating pie, the major sauntered up in undress
uniform. The sentry, not recognizing him, did not salute, and the major
stopped and said:

"What's that you have there?"

"Pie," said the sentry, good-naturedly. "Apple pie. Have a bite?"

The major frowned.

"Do you know who I am?" he asked.

"No," said the sentry, "unless you're the major's groom."

The major shook his head.

"Guess again," he growled.

"The barber from the village?"

"No."

"Maybe"--here the sentry laughed--"maybe you're the major himself?"

"That's right. I am the major," was the stern reply.

The sentry scrambled to his feet.

"Good gracious!" he exclaimed. "Hold the pie, will you, while I present
arms!"


The battle was going against him. The commander-in-chief, himself ruler
of the South American republic, sent an aide to the rear, ordering
General Blanco to bring up his regiment at once. Ten minutes passed; but
it didn't come. Twenty, thirty, and an hour--still no regiment. The aide
came tearing back hatless, breathless.

"My regiment! My regiment! Where is it? Where is it?" shrieked the
commander.

"General," answered the excited aide, "Blanco started it all right, but
there are a couple of drunken Americans down the road and they won't let
it go by."


An army officer decided to see for himself how his sentries were doing
their duty. He was somewhat surprised at overhearing the following:

"Halt! Who goes there?"

"Friend--with a bottle."

"Pass, friend. Halt, bottle."


"A war is a fearful thing," said Mr. Dolan.

"It is," replied Mr. Rafferty. "When you see the fierceness of members
of the army toward one another, the fate of a common enemy must be
horrible."


_See also_ Military Discipline.




ARMY RATIONS


The colonel of a volunteer regiment camping in Virginia came across a
private on the outskirts of the camp, painfully munching on something.
His face was wry and his lips seemed to move only with the greatest
effort.

"What are you eating?" demanded the colonel.

"Persimmons, sir."

"Good Heavens! Haven't you got any more sense than to eat persimmons at
this time of the year? They'll pucker the very stomach out of you."

"I know, sir. That's why I'm eatin' 'em. I'm tryin' to shrink me stomach
to fit me rations."


On the occasion of the annual encampment of a western militia, one of
the soldiers, a clerk who lived well at home, was experiencing much
difficulty in disposing of his rations.

A fellow-sufferer nearby was watching with no little amusement the first
soldier's attempts to Fletcherize a piece of meat. "Any trouble, Tom?"
asked the second soldier sarcastically.

"None in particular," was the response. Then, after a sullen survey of
the bit of beef he held in his hand, the amateur fighter observed:

"Bill, I now fully realize what people mean when they speak of the
sinews of war."--_Howard Morse_.




ART


  There was an old sculptor named Phidias,
  Whose knowledge of Art was invidious.
    He carved Aphrodite
    Without any nightie--
  Which startled the purely fastidious.

  --_Gilbert K. Chesterton_.


The friend had dropped in to see D'Auber, the great animal painter, put
the finishing touches on his latest painting. He was mystified, however,
when D'Auber took some raw meat and rubbed it vigorously over the
painted rabbit in the foreground.

"Why on earth did you do that?" he asked.

"Why you see," explained D'Auber, "Mrs Millions is coming to see this
picture today. When she sees her pet poodle smell that rabbit, and get
excited over it, she'll buy it on the spot."


A young artist once persuaded Whistler to come and view his latest
effort. The two stood before the canvas for some moments in silence.
Finally the young man asked timidly, "Don't you think, sir, that this
painting of mine is--well--er--tolerable?"

Whistler's eyes twinkled dangerously.

"What is your opinion of a tolerable egg?" he asked.


The amateur artist was painting sunset, red with blue streaks and green
dots.

The old rustic, at a respectful distance, was watching.

"Ah," said the artist looking up suddenly, "perhaps to you, too, Nature
has opened her sky picture page by page! Have you seen the lambent flame
of dawn leaping across the livid east; the red-stained, sulphurous
islets floating in the lake of fire in the west; the ragged clouds at
midnight, black as a raven's wing, blotting out the shuddering moon?"

"No," replied the rustic, "not since I give up drink."


Art is indeed not the bread but the wine of life.--_Jean Paul Richter_.


Now nature is not at variance with art, nor art with nature; they being
both the servants of His providence. Art is the perfection of nature.
Were the world now as it was the sixth day, there were yet a chaos.
Nature hath made one world, and art another. In brief, all things are
artificial; for nature is the art of God.--_Sir Thomas Browne_.




ARTISTS


ARTIST--"I'd like to devote my last picture to a charitable purpose."

CRITIC--"Why not give it to an institution for the blind?"


"Wealth has its penalties." said the ready-made philosopher.

"Yes," replied Mr. Cumrox. "I'd rather be back at the dear old factory
than learning to pronounce the names of the old masters in my
picture-gallery."


CRITIC--"By George, old chap, when I look at one of your paintings I
stand and wonder--"

ARTIST--"How I do it?"

CRITIC "No; why you do it."


He that seeks popularity in art closes the door on his own genius: as he
must needs paint for other minds, and not for his own.--_Mrs. Jameson_.




ATHLETES


The caller's eye had caught the photograph of Tommie Billups, standing
on the desk of Mr. Billups.

"That your boy, Billups?" he asked.

"Yes," said Billups, "he's a sophomore up at Binkton College."

"Looks intellectual rather than athletic," said the caller.

"Oh, he's an athlete all right," said Billups. "When it comes to running
up accounts, and jumping his board-bill, and lifting his voice, and
throwing a thirty-two pound bluff, there isn't a gladiator in creation
that can give my boy Tommie any kind of a handicap. He's just written
for an extra check."

"And as a proud father you are sending it, I don't doubt," smiled the
caller.

"Yes," grinned Billups; "I am sending him a rain-check I got at the
hall-game yesterday. As an athlete, he'll appreciate its
value."--_J.K.B_.




ATTENTION


The supervisor of a school was trying to prove that children are lacking
in observation.

To the children he said, "Now, children, tell me a number to put on the
board."

Some child said, "Thirty-six." The supervisor wrote sixty-three.

He asked for another number, and seventy-six was given. He wrote
sixty-seven.

When a third number was asked, a child who apparently had paid no
attention called out:

"Theventy-theven. Change _that_ you thucker!"




AUTHORS


The following is a recipe for an author:

  Take the usual number of fingers,
  Add paper, manila or white,
  A typewriter, plenty of postage
  And something or other to write.

  --_Life_.


Oscar Wilde, upon hearing one of Whistler's _bon mots_ exclaimed: "Oh,
Jimmy; I wish I had said that!" "Never mind, dear Oscar," was the
rejoinder, "you will!"


THE AUTHOR--"Would you advise me to get out a small edition?"

THE PUBLISHER--"Yes, the smaller the better. The more scarce a book is
at the end of four or five centuries the more money you realize from
it."


AMBITIOUS AUTHOR--"Hurray! Five dollars for my latest story, 'The Call
of the Lure!'"

FAST FRIEND--"Who from?"

AMBITIOUS AUTHOR--"The express company. They lost it."


A lady who had arranged an authors' reading at her house succeeded in
persuading her reluctant husband to stay home that evening to assist in
receiving the guests. He stood the entertainment as long as he
could--three authors, to be exact--and then made an excuse that he was
going to open the front door to let in some fresh air. In the hall he
found one of the servants asleep on a settee.

"Wake up!" he commanded, shaking the fellow roughly. "What does this
mean, your being asleep out here? You must have been listening at the
keyhole."


An ambitious young man called upon a publisher and stated that he had
decided to write a book.

"May I venture to inquire as to the nature of the book you propose to
write?" asked the publisher, very politely.

"Oh," came in an offhand way from the aspirant to literary fame, "I
think of doing something on the line of 'Les Miserables,' only livelier,
you know."


"So you have had a long siege of nervous prostration?" we say to the
haggard author. "What caused it? Overwork?"

"In a way, yes," he answers weakly. "I tried to do a novel with a Robert
W. Chambers hero and a Mary E. Wilkins heroine."--_Life_.


Mark Twain at a dinner at the Authors' Club said: "Speaking of fresh
eggs, I am reminded of the town of Squash. In my early lecturing days I
went to Squash to lecture in Temperance Hall, arriving in the afternoon.
The town seemed very poorly billed. I thought I'd find out if the people
knew anything at all about what was in store for them. So I turned in at
the general store. 'Good afternoon, friend,' I said to the general
storekeeper. 'Any entertainment here tonight to help a stranger while
away his evening?' The general storekeeper, who was sorting mackerels,
straightened up, wiped his briny hands on his apron, and said: 'I expect
there's goin' to be a lecture. I've been sellin' eggs all day."


An American friend of Edmond Rostand says that the great dramatist once
told him of a curious encounter he had had with a local magistrate in a
town not far from his own.

It appears that Rostand had been asked to register the birth of a
friend's newly arrived son. The clerk at the registry office was an
officious little chap, bent on carrying out the letter of the law. The
following dialogue ensued:

"Your name, sir?"

"Edmond Rostand."

"Vocation?"

"Man of letters, and member of the French Academy."

"Very well, sir. You must sign your name. Can you write? If not, you may
make a cross."--_Howard Morse_.


George W. Cable, the southern writer, was visiting a western city where
he was invited to inspect the new free library. The librarian conducted
the famous writer through the building until they finally reached the
department of books devoted to fiction.

"We have all your books, Mr. Cable," proudly said the librarian. "You
see there they are--all of them on the shelves there: not one missing."

And Mr. Cable's hearty laugh was not for the reason that the librarian
thought!


Brief History of a Successful Author: From ink-pots to flesh-pots--_R.R.
Kirk_.


"It took me nearly ten years to learn that I couldn't write stories."

"I suppose you gave it up then?"

"No, no. By that time I had a reputation."


"I dream my stories," said Hicks, the author.

"How you must dread going to bed!" exclaimed Cynicus.


The five-year-old son of James Oppenheim, author of "The Olympian," was
recently asked what work he was going to do when he became a man. "Oh,"
Ralph replied, "I'm not going to work at all." "Well, what are you going
to do, then?" he was asked. "Why," he said seriously, "I'm just going to
write stories, like daddy."


William Dean Howells is the kindliest of critics, but now and then some
popular novelist's conceit will cause him to bristle up a little.

"You know," said one, fishing for compliments, "I get richer and richer,
but all the same I think my work is falling off. My new work is not so
good as my old."

"Oh, nonsense!" said Mr. Howells. "You write just as well as you ever
did. Your taste is improving, that's all."


James Oliver Curwood, a novelist, tells of a recent encounter with the
law. The value of a short story he was writing depended upon a certain
legal situation which he found difficult to manage. Going to a lawyer of
his acquaintance he told him the plot and was shown a way to the desired
end. "You've saved me just $100," he exclaimed, "for that's what I am
going to get for this story."

A week later he received a bill from the lawyer as follows: "For
literary advice, $100." He says he paid.


"Tried to skin me, that scribbler did!"

"What did he want?"

"Wanted to get out a book jointly, he to write the book and I to write
the advertisements. I turned him down. I wasn't going to do all the
literary work."


At a London dinner recently the conversation turned to the various
methods of working employed by literary geniuses. Among the examples
cited was that of a well-known poet, who, it is said, was wont to arouse
his wife about four o'clock in the morning and exclaim, "Maria, get up;
I've thought of a good word!" Whereupon the poet's obedient helpmate
would crawl out of bed and make a note of the thought-of word.

About an hour later, like as not, a new inspiration would seize the
bard, whereupon he would again arouse his wife, saying, "Maria, Maria,
get up! I've thought of a better word!"

The company in general listened to the story with admiration, but a
merry-eyed American girl remarked: "Well, if he'd been my husband I
should have replied, 'Alpheus, get up yourself; I've thought of a bad
word!'"


"There is probably no hell for authors in the next world--they suffer so
much from critics and publishers in this."--_Bovee_.


  A thought upon my forehead,
     My hand up to my face;
  I want to be an author,
     An air of studied grace!
  I want to be an author,
    With genius on my brow;
  I want to be an author,
    And I want to be it now!

  --_Ella Hutchison Ellwanger_.


That writer does the most, who gives his reader the most knowledge, and
takes from him the least time.--_C.C. Colton_.


  Habits of close attention, thinking heads,
  Become more rare as dissipation spreads,
  Till authors hear at length one general cry
  Tickle and entertain us, or we die!

  --_Cowper_.


The author who speaks about his own books is almost as bad as a mother
who talks about her own children.--_Disraeli_.




AUTOMOBILES


TEACHER--"If a man saves $2 a week, how long will it take him to save a
thousand?"

BOY--"He never would, ma'am. After he got $900 he'd buy a car."


"How fast is your car, Jimpson?" asked Harkaway.

"Well," said Jimpson, "it keeps about six months ahead of my income
generally."


"What is the name of your automobile?"

"I don't know."

"You don't know? What do your folks call it?"

"Oh, as to that, father always says 'The Mortgage'; brother Tom calls it
'The Fake'; mother, 'My Limousine'; sister, 'Our Car'; grandma, 'That
Peril'; the chauffeur, 'Some Freak,' and our neighbors, 'The
Limit.'"--_Life_.


"What little boy can tell me the difference between the 'quick' and the
'dead?'" asked the Sunday-school teacher.

Willie waved his hand frantically.

"Well, Willie?"

"Please, ma'am, the 'quick' are the ones that get out of the way of
automobiles; the ones that don't are the 'dead.'"


"Do you have much trouble with your automobile?"

"Trouble! Say, I couldn't have more if I was married to the blamed
machine."


A little "Brush" chugged painfully up to the gate of a race track.

The gate-keeper, demanding the usual fee for automobiles, called:

"A dollar for the car!"

The owner looked up with a pathetic smile of relief and said:

"Sold!"


Autos rush in where mortgages have dared to tread.


_See also_ Fords; Profanity.




AUTOMOBILING


"Sorry, gentlemen," said the new constable, "but I'll hev to run ye in.
We been keepin' tabs on ye sence ye left Huckleberry Corners."

"Why, that's nonsense!" said Dubbleigh. "It's taken us four hours to
come twenty miles, thanks to a flabby tire. That's only five miles an
hour."

"Sure!" said the new constable, "but the speed law round these here
parts is ten mile an hour, and by Jehosophat I'm goin' to make you
ottermobile fellers live up to it."


Two street pedlers in Bradford, England, bought a horse for $11.25. It
was killed by a motor-car one day and the owner of the car paid them
$115 for the loss. Thereupon a new industry sprang up on the roads of
England.


"It was very romantic," says the friend. "He proposed to her in the
automobile."

"Yes?" we murmur, encouragingly.

"And she accepted him in the hospital."


"What you want to do is to have that mudhole in the road fixed," said
the visitor.

"That goes to show," replied Farmer Corntassel, "how little you
reformers understand local conditions. I've purty nigh paid off a
mortgage with the money I made haulm' automobiles out o' that mud-hole."


The old lady from the country and her small son were driving to town
when a huge automobile bore down upon them. The horse was badly
frightened and began to prance, whereupon the old lady leaped down and
waved wildly to the chauffeur, screaming at the top of her voice.

The chauffeur stopped the car and offered to help get the horse past.

"That's all right," said the boy, who remained composedly in the
carriage, "I can manage the horse. You just lead Mother past."


"What makes you carry that horrible shriek machine for an automobile
signal?"

"For humane reasons." replied Mr. Chugging. "If I can paralyze a person
with fear he will keep still and I can run to one side of him."


In certain sections of West Virginia there is no liking for
automobilists, as was evidenced in the case of a Washingtonian who was
motoring in a sparsely settled region of the State.

This gentleman was haled before a local magistrate upon the complaint of
a constable. The magistrate, a good-natured man, was not, however,
absolutely certain that the Washingtonian's car had been driven too
fast; and the owner stoutly insisted that he had been progressing at the
rate of only six miles an hour.

"Why, your Honor," he said, "my engine was out of order, and I was going
very slowly because I was afraid it would break down completely. I give
you my word, sir, you could have walked as fast as I was running."

"Well," said the magistrate, after due reflection, "you don't appear to
have been exceeding the speed limit, but at the same time you must have
been guilty of something, or you wouldn't be here. I fine you ten
dollars for loitering."--_Fenimore Martin_.




AVIATION


The aviator's wife was taking her first trip with her husband in his
airship. "Wait a minute, George," she said. "I'm afraid we will have to
go down again."

"What's wrong?" asked her husband.

"I believe I have dropped one of the pearl buttons off my jacket. I
think I can see it glistening on the ground."

"Keep your seat, my dear," said the aviator, "that's Lake Erie."


AVIATOR (to young assistant, who has begun to be frightened)--"Well,
what do you want now?"

ASSISTANT (whimpering)--"I want the earth."--_Abbie C. Dixon_.


When Claude Grahame-White the famous aviator, author of "The Aeroplane
in War," was in this country not long ago, he was spending a week-end at
a country home. He tells the following story of an incident that was
very amusing to him.

"The first night that I arrived, a dinner party was given. Feeling very
enthusiastic over the recent flights, I began to tell the young woman
who was my partner at the table of some of the details of the aviation
sport.

"It was not until the dessert was brought on that I realized that I had
been doing all the talking; indeed, the young woman seated next me had
not uttered a single word since I first began talking about aviation.
Perhaps she was not interested in the subject, I thought, although to an
enthusiast like me it seemed quite incredible.

"'I am afraid I have been boring you with this shop talk," I said,
feeling as if I should apologize.

"'Oh, not at all,' she murmured, in very polite tones; 'but would you
mind telling me, what is aviation?'"--_M.A. Hitchcock_.




AVIATORS


  Little drops in water--
  Little drops on land--
  Make the aviator,
  Join the heavenly band.

  --_Satire_.


"Are you an experienced aviator?"

"Well, sir, I have been at it six weeks and I am all here."--_Life_.




BABIES


_See_ Children.




BACCALAUREATE SERMONS


PROUD FATHER--"Rick, my boy, if you live up to your oration you'll be an
honor to the family."

VALEDICTORIAN-"I expect to do better than that, father. I am going to
try to live up to the baccalaureate sermon."




BACTERIA


  There once were some learned M.D.'s,
  Who captured some germs of disease,
    And infected a train
    Which, without causing pain,
  Allowed one to catch it with ease.


Two doctors met in the hall of the hospital.

"Well," said the first, "what's new this morning?"

"I've got a most curious case. Woman, cross-eyed; in fact, so cross-eyed
that when she cries the tears run down her back."

"What are you doing for her?"

"Just now," was the answer, "we're treating her for bacteria."




BADGES


Mrs. Philpots came panting downstairs on her way to the temperance
society meeting. She was a short, plump woman. "Addie, run up to my room
and get my blue ribbon rosette, the temperance badge," she directed her
maid. "I have forgotten it. You will know it, Addie--blue ribbon and
gold lettering."

"Yas'm, I knows it right well." Addie could not read, but she knew a
blue ribbon with gold lettering when she saw it, and therefore had not
trouble in finding it and fastening it properly on the dress of her
mistress.

At the meeting Mrs. Philpots was too busy greeting her friends to note
that they smiled when they shook hands with her. When she reached home
supper was served, so she went directly to the dining-room, where the
other members of the family were seated.

"Gracious me, Mother!" exclaimed her son: "that blue ribbon--you haven't
been wearing that at the temperance meeting?"

A loud laugh went up on all sides.

"Why, what is it, Harry?" asked the good woman, clutching at the ribbon
in surprise.

"Why, Mother dear, didn't you know that was the ribbon I won at the
show?"

The gold lettering on the ribbon read:

  INTERSTATE POULTRY SHOW
  First Prize Bantam




BAGGAGE


An Aberdonian went to spend a few days in London with his son, who had
done exceptionally well in the great metropolis. After their first
greetings at King's Cross Station, the young fellow remarked: "Feyther,
you are not lookin' weel. Is there anything the matter?" The old man
replied, "Aye, lad, I have had quite an accident." "What was that,
feyther?" "Mon," he said, "on this journey frae bonnie Scotland I lost
my luggage." "Dear, dear, that's too bad; 'oo did it happen?" "Aweel"
replied the Aberdonian, "the cork cam' oot."


Johnnie Poe, one of the famous Princeton football family, and
incidentally a great-nephew of Edgar Allan Poe, was a general in the
army of Honduras in one of their recent wars. Finally, when things began
to look black with peace and the American general discovered that his
princely pay when translated into United States money was about sixty
cents a day, he struck for the coast. There he found a United States
warship and asked transportation home.

"Sure," the commander told him. "We'll be glad to have you. Come aboard
whenever you like and bring your luggage."

"Thanks," said Poe warmly. "I'll sure do that. I only have fifty-four
pieces."

"What!" exclaimed the commander. "What do you think I'm running? A
freighter?"

"Oh, well, you needn't get excited about it," purred Poe. "My fifty-four
pieces consist of one pair of socks and a pack of playing cards."




BALDNESS


One mother who still considers Marcel waves as the most fashionable way
of dressing the hair was at work on the job.

Her little eight-year-old girl was crouched on her father's lap,
watching her mother. Every once in a while the baby fingers would slide
over the smooth and glossy pate which is Father's.

"No waves for you, Father," remarked the little one. "You're all beach."


"Were any of your boyish ambitions ever realized?" asked the
sentimentalist.

"Yes," replied the practical person. "When my mother used to cut my hair
I often wished I might be bald-headed."


Congressman Longworth is not gifted with much hair, his head being about
as shiny as a billiard ball.

One day ex-president Taft, then Secretary of War, and Congressman
Longworth sallied into a barbershop.

"Hair cut?" asked the barber of Longworth.

"Yes," answered the Congressman.

"Oh, no, Nick," commented the Secretary of War from the next chair, "you
don't want a hair cut; you want a shine."


"O, Mother, why are the men in the front baldheaded?"

"They bought their tickets from scalpers, my child."


The costumer came forward to attend to the nervous old beau who was
mopping his bald and shining poll with a big silk handkerchief.

"And what can I do for you?" he asked.

"I want a little help in the way of a suggestion," said the old fellow.
"I intend going to the French Students' masquerade ball to-night, and I
want a distinctly original costume--something I may be sure no one else
will wear. What would you suggest?"

The costumer looked him over attentively, bestowing special notice on
the gleaming knob.

"Well, I'll tell you," he said then, thoughtfully: "why don't you sugar
your head and go as a pill?"--_Frank X. Finnegan_.


United States Senator Ollie James, of Kentucky, is bald.

"Does being bald bother you much?" a candid friend asked him once.

"Yes, a little," answered the truthful James.

"I suppose you feel the cold severely in winter," went on the friend.

"No; it's not that so much," said the Senator. "The main bother is when
I'm washing myself--unless I keep my hat on I don't know where my face
stops."


A near-sighted old lady at a dinner-party, one evening, had for her
companion on the left a very bald-headed old gentleman. While talking to
the gentleman at her right she dropped her napkin unconsciously. The
bald-headed gentleman, in stooping to pick it up, touched her arm. The
old lady turned around, shook her head, and very politely said: "No
melon, thank you."




BANKS AND BANKING


During a financial panic, a German farmer went to a bank for some money.
He was told that the bank was not paying out money, but was using
cashier's checks. He could not understand this, and insisted on money.

The officers took him in hand, one after another, with little effect. At
last the president tried his hand, and after long and minute
explanation, some inkling of the situation seemed to be dawning on the
farmer's mind. Much encouraged, the president said: "You understand now
how it is, don't you, Mr.. Schmidt?"

"I t'ink I do," admitted Mr. Schmidt. "It's like dis, aindt it? Ven my
baby vakes up at night and vants some milk, I gif him a milk ticket."


She advanced to the paying teller's window and, handing in a check for
fifty dollars, stated that it was a birthday present from her husband
and asked for payment. The teller informed her that she must first
endorse it.

"I don't know what you mean," she said hesitatingly.

"Why, you see," he explained, "you must write your name on the back, so
that when we return the check to your husband, he will know we have paid
you the money."

"Oh, is that all?" she said, relieved.... One minute elapses.

Thus the "endorsement": "Many thanks, dear, I've got the money. Your
loving wife, Evelyn."


FRIEND--"So you're going to make it hot for that fellow who held up the
bank, shot the cashier, and got away with the ten thousand?"

BANKER--"Yes, indeed. He was entirely too fresh. There's a decent way to
do that, you know. If he wanted to get the money, why didn't he come
into the bank and work his way up the way the rest of us did?"--_Puck_.




BAPTISM


A revival was being held at a small colored Baptist church in southern
Georgia. At one of the meetings the evangelist, after an earnest but
fruitless exhortation, requested all of the congregation who wanted
their souls washed white as snow to stand up. One old darky remained
sitting.

"Don' yo' want y' soul washed w'ite as snow, Brudder Jones?"

"Mah soul done been washed w'ite as snow, pahson."

"Whah wuz yo' soul washed w'ite as snow, Brudder Jones?"

"Over yander to the Methodis' chu'ch acrost de railroad."

"Brudder Jones, yo' soul wa'n't washed--hit were dry-cleaned."--_Life_.




BAPTISTS


An old colored man first joined the Episcopal Church, then the Methodist
and next the Baptist, where he remained. Questioned as to the reason for
his church travels he responded:

"Well, suh, hit's this way: de 'Piscopals is gemmen, suh, but I couldn't
keep up wid de answerin' back in dey church. De Methodis', dey always
holdin' inquiry meetin', and I don't like too much inquirin' into. But
de Baptis', suh, dey jes' dip and are done wid hit."


A Methodist negro exhorter shouted: "Come up en jine de army ob de
Lohd." "I'se done jined," replied one of the congregation. "Whar'd yoh
jine?" asked the exhorter. "In de Baptis' Chu'ch." "Why, chile," said
the exhorter, "yoh ain't in the army; yoh's in de navy."




BARGAINS


MANAGER (five-and-ten-cent store)--"What did the lady who just went out
want?"

SHOPGIRL--"She inquired if we had a shoe department."


"Hades," said the lady who loves to shop, "would be a magnificent and
endless bargain counter and I looking on without a cent."


Newell Dwight Hillis, the now famous New York preacher and author, some
years ago took charge of the First Presbyterian Church of Evanston,
Illinois. Shortly after going there he required the services of a
physician, and on the advice of one of his parishioners called in a
doctor noted for his ability properly to emphasize a good story, but who
attended church very rarely. He proved very satisfactory to the young
preacher, but for some reason could not be induced to render a bill.
Finally Dr. Hillis, becoming alarmed at the inroads the bill might make
in his modest stipend, went to the physician and said, "See here,
Doctor, I must know how much I owe you."

After some urging, the physician replied: "Well, I'll tell you what I'll
do with you, Hillis. They say you're a pretty good preacher, and you
seem to think I am a fair doctor, so I'll make this bargain with you.
I'll do all I can to keep you out of heaven if you do all you can to
keep me out of hell, and it won't cost either of us a cent. Is it a go?"


"My wife and myself are trying to get up a list of club magazines. By
taking three you get a discount."

"How are you making out?"

"Well, we can get one that I don't want, and one that she doesn't want,
and one that neither wants for $2.25."




BASEBALL


A run in time saves the nine.


Knowin' all 'bout baseball is jist 'bout as profitable as bein' a good
whittler.--_Abe Martin_.


"Plague take that girl!"

"My friend, that is the most beautiful girl in this town."

"That may be. But she obstructs my view of second base."


When Miss Cheney, one of the popular teachers in the Swarthmore schools,
had to deal with a boy who played "hookey," she failed to impress him
with the evil of his ways.

"Don't you know what becomes of little boys who stay away from school to
play baseball?" asked Miss Cheney.

"Yessum," replied the lad promptly. "Some of 'em gets to be good players
and pitch in the big leagues."




BATHS AND BATHING


The only unoccupied room in the hotel--one with a private bath in
connection with it--was given to the stranger from Kansas. The next
morning the clerk was approached by the guest when the latter was ready
to check out.

"Well, did you have a good night's rest?" the clerk asked.

"No, I didn't," replied the Kansan. "The room was all right, and the bed
was pretty good, but I couldn't sleep very much for I was afraid some
one would want to take a bath, and the only door to it was through my
room."


RURAL CONSTABLE-"Now then, come out o' that. Bathing's not allowed 'ere
after 8 a.m."

THE FACE IN THE WATER-"Excuse me, Sergeant, I'm not bathing; I'm only
drowning."--_Punch_.


A woman and her brother lived alone in the Scotch Highlands. She knitted
gloves and garments to sell in the Lowland towns. Once when she was
starting out to market her wares, her brother said he would go with her
and take a dip in the ocean. While the woman was in the town selling
her work, Sandy was sporting in the waves. When his sister came down to
join him, however, he met her with a wry face. "Oh, Kirstie," he said,
"I've lost me weskit." They hunted high and low, but finally as night
settled down decided that the waves must have carried it out to sea.

The next year, at about the same season, the two again visited the town.
And while Kirstie sold her wool in the town, Sandy splashed about in the
brine. When Kirstie joined her brother she found him with a radiant
face, and he cried out to her, "Oh, Kirstie, I've found me weskit. 'Twas
under me shirt."


In one of the lesser Indian hill wars an English detachment took an
Afghan prisoner. The Afghan was very dirty. Accordingly two privates
were deputed to strip and wash him.

The privates dragged the man to a stream of running water, undressed
him, plunged him in, and set upon him lustily with stiff brushes and
large cakes of white soap.

After a long time one of the privates came back to make a report. He
saluted his officer and said disconsolately:

"It's no use, sir. It's no use."

"No use?" said the officer. "What do you mean? Haven't you washed that
Afghan yet?"

"It's no use, sir," the private repeated. "We've washed him for two
hours, but it's no use."

"How do you mean it's no use?" said the officer angrily.

"Why, sir," said the private, "after rubbin' him and scrubbin' him till
our arms ached I'll be hanged if we didn't come to another suit of
clothes."




BAZARS


Once upon a time a deacon who did not favor church bazars was going
along a dark street when a footpad suddenly appeared, and, pointing his
pistol, began to relieve his victim of his money.

The thief, however, apparently suffered some pangs of remorse. "It's
pretty rough to be gone through like this, ain't it, sir?" he inquired.

"Oh, that's all right, my man," the "held-up" one answered cheerfully.
"I was on my way to a bazar. You're first, and there's an end of it."




BEARDS


  There was an old man with a beard,
  Who said, "It is just as I feared!--
    Two owls and a hen,
    Four larks and a wren,
  Have all built their nests in my beard."




BEAUTY


  If eyes were made for seeing,
  Then beauty is its own excuse for being.

  --Emerson.


  A thing of beauty is a joy forever;
  Its loveliness increases; it will never
  Pass into nothingness; but still will keep
  A bower quiet for us, and a sleep
  Full of sweet dreams, and health, and quiet breathing.




BEAUTY, PERSONAL


  In good looks I am not a star.
  There are others more lovely by far.
    But my face--I don't mind it,
    Because I'm behind it--
  It's the people in front that I jar.


"Shine yer boots, sir?"

"No," snapped the man.

"Shine 'em so's yer can see yer face in 'em?" urged the bootblack.

"No, I tell you!"

"Coward," hissed the bootblack.


A farmer returning home late at night, found a man standing beside the
house with a lighted lantern in his hand. "What are you doing here?" he
asked, savagely, suspecting he had caught a criminal. For answer came a
chuckle, and--"It's only mee, zur."

The farmer recognized John, his shepherd.

"It's you, John, is it? What on earth are you doing here this time o'
night?"

Another chuckle. "I'm a-coortin' Ann, zur."

"And so you've come courting with a lantern, you fool. Why I never took
a lantern when I courted your mistress."

"No, zur, you didn't, zur," John chuckled. "We can all zee you didn't,
zur."


The senator and the major were walking up the avenue. The senator was
more than middle-aged and considerably more than fat, and, dearly as the
major loved him, he also loved his joke.

The senator turned with a pleased expression on his benign countenance
and said, "Major, did you see that pretty girl smile at me?"

"Oh, that's nothing," replied his friend. "The first time I saw you I
laughed out loud!"--_Harper's Magazine_.


Pat, thinking to enliven the party, stated, with watch in hand: "I'll
presint a box of candy to the loidy that makes the homeliest face within
the next three minutes."

The time expired, Pat announced: "Ah, Mrs. McGuire, you get the prize."

"But," protested Mrs. McGuire, "go way wid ye! I wasn't playin' at all."


ARTHUR--"They say dear, that people who live together get to look
alike."

KATE--"Then you must consider my refusal as final."


In the negro car of a railway train in one of the gulf states a bridal
couple were riding--a very light, rather good looking colored girl and a
typical full blooded negro of possibly a reverted type, with receding
forehead, protruding eyes, broad, flat nose very thick lips and almost
no chin. He was positively and aggressively ugly.

They had been married just before boarding the train and, like a good
many of their white brothers and sisters, were very much interested in
each other, regardless of the amusement of their neighbors. After
various "billings and cooings" the man sank down in the seat and,
resting his head on the lady's shoulder, looked soulfully up into her
eyes.

She looked fondly down upon him and after a few minutes murmured gently,
"Laws, honey, ain't yo' shamed to be so han'some?"


  Little dabs of powder,
    Little specks of paint,
  Make my lady's freckles
    Look as if they ain't.

  --_Mary A. Fairchild_.


  He kissed her on the cheek,
    It seemed a harmless frolic;
  He's been laid up a week
    They say, with painter's colic.

  --_The Christian Register_.


MOTHER (to inquisitive child)--"Stand aside. Don't you see the gentleman
wants to take the lady's picture?"

"Why does he want to?"--_Life_.


One day, while walking with a friend in San Francisco, a professor and
his companion became involved in an argument as to which was the
handsomer man of the two. Not being able to arrive at a settlement of
the question, they agreed, in a spirit of fun, to leave it to the
decision of a Chinaman who was seen approaching them. The matter being
laid before him, the Oriental considered long and carefully; then he
announced in a tone of finality, "Both are worse."


"What a homely woman!"

"Sir, that is my wife. I'll have you understand it is a woman's
privilege to be homely."

"Gee, then she abused the privilege."


Beauty is worse than wine; it intoxicates both the holder and the
beholder.--_Zimmermann_.




BEDS


A western politician tells the following story as illustrating the
inconveniences attached to campaigning in certain sections of the
country.

Upon his arrival at one of the small towns in South Dakota, where he was
to make a speech the following day, he found that the so-called hotel
was crowded to the doors. Not having telegraphed for accommodations, the
politician discovered that he would have to make shift as best he could.
Accordingly, he was obliged for that night to sleep on a wire cot which
had only some blankets and a sheet on it. As the politician is an
extremely fat man, he found his improvised bed anything but comfortable.

"How did you sleep?" asked a friend in the morning.

"Fairly well," answered the fat man, "but I looked like a waffle when I
got up."




BEER


  A man to whom illness was chronic,
  When told that he needed a tonic,
    Said, "O Doctor dear,
    Won't you please make it beer?"
  "No, no," said the Doc., "that's Teutonic."




BEES


TEACHER--"Tommy, do you know 'How Doth the Little Busy Bee'?"

TOMMY--"No; I only know he doth it!"




BEETLES


  Now doth the frisky June Bug
    Bring forth his aeroplane,
  And try to make a record,
    And busticate his brain!

  He bings against the mirror,
    He bangs against the door,
  He caroms on the ceiling,
    And turtles on the floor!

  He soars aloft, erratic,
    He lands upon my neck,
  And makes me creep and shiver,
    A neurasthenic wreck!

  --_Charles Irvin Junkin_.




BEGGING


THE "ANGEL" (about to give a beggar a dime)--"Poor man! And are you
married?"

BEGGAR--"Pardon me, madam! D'ye think I'd be relyin' on total strangers
for support if I had a wife?"


MAN--"Is there any reason why I should give you five cents?"

BOY--"Well, if I had a nice high hat like yours I wouldn't want it
soaked with snowballs."


MILLIONAIRE (to ragged beggar)--"You ask alms and do not even take your
hat off. Is that the proper way to beg?"

BEGGAR--"Pardon me, sir. A policeman is looking at us from across the
street. If I take my hat off he'll arrest me for begging; as it is, he
naturally takes us for old friends."


Once, while Bishop Talbot, the giant "cowboy bishop," was attending a
meeting of church dignitaries in St. Paul, a tramp accosted a group of
churchmen in the hotel porch and asked for aid.

"No," one of them told him, "I'm afraid we can't help you. But you see
that big man over there?" pointing to Bishop Talbot.

"Well, he's the youngest bishop of us all, and he's a very generous man.
You might try him."

The tramp approached Bishop Talbot confidently. The others watched with
interest. They saw a look of surprise come over the tramp's face. The
bishop was talking eagerly. The tramp looked troubled. And then,
finally, they saw something pass from one hand to the other. The tramp
tried to slink past the group without speaking, but one of them called
to him:

"Well, did you get something from our young brother?"

The tramp grinned sheepishly. "No," he admitted, "I gave him a dollar
for his damned new cathedral at Laramie!"


  To get thine ends, lay bashfulnesse aside;
  Who feares to aske, doth teach to be deny'd.

  --_Herrick_.


  Well, whiles I am a beggar I will rail
  And say, there is no sin but to be rich;
  And being rich, my virtue then shall be
  To say, there is no vice but beggary.

  --_Shakespeare_.


_See also_ Flattery; Millionaires.




BETTING


The officers' mess was discussing rifle shooting.

"I'll bet anyone here," said one young lieutenant, "that I can fire
twenty shots at two hundred yards and call each shot correctly without
waiting for the marker. I'll stake a box of cigars that I can."

"Done!" cried a major.

The whole mess was on hand early next morning to see the experiment
tried.

The lieutenant fired.

"Miss," he calmly announced.

A second shot.

"Miss," he repeated.

A third shot.

"Miss."

"Here, there! Hold on!" protested the major. "What are you trying to do?
You're not shooting for the target at all."

"Of course not," admitted the lieutenant. "I'm firing for those cigars."
And he got them.


Two old cronies went into a drug store in the downtown part of New York
City, and, addressing the proprietor by his first name, one of them
said:

"Dr. Charley, we have made a bet of the ice-cream sodas. We will have
them now and when the bet is decided the loser will drop in and pay for
them."

As the two old fellows were departing after enjoying their temperance
beverage, the druggist asked them what the wager was.

"Well," said one of them, "our friend George bets that when the tower of
the Singer Building falls, it will topple over toward the North River,
and I bet that it won't."




BIBLE INTERPRETATION


"Miss Jane, did Moses have the same after-dinner complaint my papa's
got?" asked Percy of his governess.

"Gracious me, Percy! Whatever do you mean, my dear?"

"Well, it says here that the Lord gave Moses two tablets."


"Mr. Preacher," said a white man to a colored minister who was
addressing his congregation, "you are talking about Cain, and you say he
got married in the land of Nod, after he killed Abel. But the Bible
mentions only Adam and Eve as being on earth at that time. Who, then,
did Cain marry?"

The colored preacher snorted with unfeigned contempt. "Huh!" he said,
"you hear dat, brederen an' sisters? You hear dat fool question I am
axed? Cain, he went to de land o' Nod just as de Good Book tells us, an'
in de land o' Nod Cain gits so lazy an' so shif'less dat he up an'
marries a gal o' one o' dem no' count pore white trash families dat de
inspired apostle didn't consider fittin' to mention in de Holy Word."




BIGAMY


  There once was an old man of Lyme.
  Who married three wives at a time:
    When asked, "Why a third?"
    He replied, "One's absurd!
  And bigamy, sir, is a crime."




BILLS


The proverb, "Where there's a will there's a way" is now revised to
"When there's a bill we're away."


YOUNG DOCTOR--"Why do you always ask your patients what they have for
dinner?"

OLD DOCTOR--"It's a most important question, for according to their
menus I make out my bills."


Farmer Gray kept summer boarders. One of these, a schoolteacher, hired
him to drive her to the various points of interest around the country.
He pointed out this one and that, at the same time giving such items of
information as he possessed.

The school-teacher, pursing her lips, remarked, "It will not be
necessary for you to talk."

When her bill was presented, there was a five-dollar charge marked
"Extra."

"What is this?" she asked, pointing to the item.

"That," replied the farmer, "is for sass. I don't often take it, but
when I do I charge for it."--_E. Egbert_.


PATIENT (_angrily_)--"The size of your bill makes my blood boil."

DOCTOR--"Then that will be $20 more for sterilizing your system."


At the bedside of a patient who was a noted humorist, five doctors were
in consultation as to the best means of producing a perspiration.

The sick man overheard the discussion, and, after listening for a few
moments, he turned his head toward the group and whispered with a dry
chuckle:

"Just send in your bills, gentlemen; that will bring it on at once."


"Thank Heaven, those bills are got rid of," said Bilkins, fervently, as
he tore up a bundle of statements of account dated October 1st.

"All paid, eh?" said Mrs. Bilkins.

"Oh, no," said Bilkins. "The duplicates dated November 1st have come in
and I don't have to keep these any longer."




BIRTHDAYS


When a man has a birthday he takes a day off, but when a woman has a
birthday she takes a year off.




BLUFFING


Francis Wilson, the comedian, says that many years ago when he was a
member of a company playing "She Stoops to Conquer," a man without any
money, wishing to see the show, stepped up to the box-office in a small
town and said:

"Pass me in, please."

The box-office man gave a loud, harsh laugh.

"Pass you in? What for?" he asked.

The applicant drew himself up and answered haughtily:

"What for? Why, because I am Oliver Goldsmith, author of the play."

"Oh, I beg your pardon, sir," replied the box-office man, as he
hurriedly wrote out an order for a box.




BLUNDERS


An early morning customer in an optician's shop was a young woman with a
determined air. She addressed the first salesman she saw. "I want to
look at a pair of eyeglasses, sir, of extra magnifying power."

"Yes, ma'am," replied the salesman; "something very strong?"

"Yes, sir. While visiting in the country I made a very painful blunder
which I never want to repeat."

"Indeed! Mistook a stranger for an acquaintance?"

"No, not exactly that; I mistook a bumblebee for a black-berry."


The ship doctor of an English liner notified the death watch steward, an
Irishman, that a man had died in stateroom 45. The usual instructions to
bury the body were given. Some hours later the doctor peeked into the
room and found that the body was still there. He called the Irishman's
attention to the matter and the latter replied:

"I thought you said room 46. I wint to that room and noticed wan of thim
in a bunk. 'Are ye dead?' says I. 'No,' says he, 'but I'm pretty near
dead.'

"So I buried him."


Telephone girls sometimes glory in their mistakes if there is a joke in
consequence. The story is told by a telephone operator in one of the
Boston exchanges about a man who asked her for the number of a local
theater.

He got the wrong number and, without asking to whom he was talking, he
said, "Can I get a box for two to-night?"

A startled voice answered him at the other end of the line, "We don't
have boxes for two."

"Isn't this the ---- Theater?" he called crossly.

"Why, no," was the answer, "this is an undertaking shop."

He canceled his order for a "box for two."


A good Samaritan, passing an apartment house in the small hours of the
morning, noticed a man leaning limply against the doorway.

"What's the matter?" he asked, "Drunk?"

"Yep."

"Do you live in this house?"

"Yep."

"Do you want me to help you upstairs?"

"Yep."

With much difficulty he half dragged, half carried the drooping figure
up the stairway to the second floor.

"What floor do you live on?" he asked. "Is this it?"

"Yep."

Rather than face an irate wife who might, perhaps, take him for a
companion more at fault than her spouse, he opened the first door he
came to and pushed the limp figure in.

The good Samaritan groped his way downstairs again. As he was passing
through the vestibule he was able to make out the dim outlines of
another man, apparently in worse condition than the first one.

"What's the matter?" he asked. "Are you drunk, too?"

"Yep," was the feeble reply.

"Do you live in this house, too?"

"Yep."

"Shall I help you upstairs?"

"Yep."

The good Samaritan pushed, pulled, and carried him to the second floor,
where this man also said he lived. He opened the same door and pushed
him in.

As he reached the front door he discerned the shadow of a third man,
evidently worse off than either of the other two. He was about to
approach him when the object of his solicitude lurched out into the
street and threw himself into the arms of a passing policeman.

"For Heaven's sake, off'cer," he gasped, "protect me from that man. He's
done nothin' all night long but carry me upstairs 'n throw me down th'
elevator shaf."


  There was a young man from the city,
  Who met what he thought was a kitty;
    He gave it a pat,
    And said, "Nice little cat!"
  And they buried his clothes out of pity.




BOASTING


Maybe the man who boasts that he doesn't owe a dollar in
the world couldn't if he tried.

"What sort of chap is he?"

"Well, after a beggar has touched him for a dime he'll tell
you he 'gave a little dinner to an acquaintance of his.'"--_R.R.
Kirk_.


WILLIE--"All the stores closed on the day my uncle died."

TOMMY--"That's nothing. All the banks closed for three
weeks the day after my pa left town."--_Puck_.


Two men were boasting about their rich kin. Said one:

"My father has a big farm in Connecticut. It is so big that
when he goes to the barn on Monday morning to milk the cows
he kisses us all good-by, and he doesn't get back till the following
Saturday."

"Why does it take him so long?" the other man asked.

"Because the barn is so far away from the house."

"Well, that may be a pretty big farm, but compared to my
father's farm in Pennsylvania your father's farm ain't no bigger
than a city lot!"

"Why, how big is your father's farm?"

"Well, it's so big that my father sends young married couples
out to the barn to milk the cows, and the milk is brought back
by their grandchildren."




BONANZAS


A certain Congressman had disastrous experience in goldmine
speculations. One day a number of colleagues were discussing
the subject of his speculation, when one of them said
to this Western member:

"Old chap, as an expert, give us a definition of the term,
'bonanza.'"

"A 'bonanza,'" replied the Western man with emphasis, "is
a hole in the ground owned by a champion liar!"




BOOKKEEPING


Tommy, fourteen years old, arrived home for the holidays,
and at his father's request produced his account book, duly kept
at school. Among the items "S. P. G." figured largely and
frequently. "Darling boy," fondly exclaimed his doting mamma:
"see how good he is--always giving to the missionaries." But
Tommy's sister knew him better than even his mother did, and
took the first opportunity of privately inquiring what those mystic
letters stood for. Nor was she surprised ultimately to find that
they represented, not the venerable Society for the Propagation
of the Gospel, but "Sundries, Probably Grub."




BOOKS AND READING


LADY PRESIDENT--"What book has helped you most?"

NEW MEMBER--"My husband's check-book."--_Martha Young_.


"You may send me up the complete works of Shakespeare,
Goethe and Emerson--also something to read."


There are three classes of bookbuyers: Collectors, women
and readers.


The owner of a large library solemnly warned a friend against
the practice of lending books. To punctuate his advice he
showed his friend the well-stocked shelves. "There!" said he.
"Every one of those books was lent me."


In science, read, by preference, the newest works; in literature,
the oldest.--_Bulwer-Lytton_.


Learning hath gained most by those books by which the
Printers have lost.--_Fuller_.


  Books should to one of these four ends conduce,
  For wisdom, piety, delight, or use.

  --_Sir John Denham_.


A darky meeting another coming from the library with a book accosted him
as follows:

"What book you done got there, Rastus?"

"'Last Days of Pompeii.'"

"Last days of Pompey? Is Pompey dead? I never heard about it. Now what
did Pompey die of?"

"I don't 'xactly know, but it must hab been some kind of 'ruption."


"I don't know what to give Lizzie for a Christmas present," one chorus
girl is reported to have said to her mate while discussing the gift to
be made to a third.

"Give her a book," suggested the other.

And the first one replied meditatively, "No, she's got a
book."--_Literary Digest_.




BOOKSELLERS AND BOOKSELLING


A bookseller reports these mistakes of customers in sending orders:

  AS ORDERED                 CORRECT TITLE
  _Lame as a Roble_          _Les Misérables_
  _God's Image in Mud_       _God's Image in Man_
  _Pair of Saucers_          _Paracelsus_
  _Pierre and His Poodle_    _Pierre and His People_


When a customer in a Boston department store asked a clerk for Hichens's
_Bella Donna_, the reply was, "Drug counter, third aisle over."


It was a few days before Christmas in one of New York's large
book-stores.

CLERK--"What is it, please?"

CUSTOMER--"I would like Ibsen's _A Doll's House_."

CLERK--"To cut out?"




BOOKWORMS


"A book-worm," said papa, "is a person who would rather read than eat,
or it is a worm that would rather eat than read."




BOOMERANGS


_See_ Repartee; Retaliation.




BORES


"What kind of a looking man is that chap Gabbleton you just mentioned? I
don't believe I have met him."

"Well, if you see two men off in a corner anywhere and one of them looks
bored to death, the other is Gabbleton."--_Puck_.


A man who was a well known killjoy was described as a great athlete. He
could throw a wet blanket two hundred yards in any gathering.


_See_ also Conversation; Husbands; Preaching; Public speakers;
Reformers.




BORROWERS


A well-known but broken-down Detroit newspaper man, who had been a power
in his day, approached an old friend the other day in the Pontchartrain
Hotel and said:

"What do you think? I have just received the prize insult of my life. A
paper down in Muncie, Ind., offered me a job."

"Do you call that an insult?"

"Not the job, but the salary. They offered me twelve dollars a week."

"Well," said the friend, "twelve dollars a week is better than nothing."

"Twelve a week--thunder!" exclaimed the old scribe. "I can borrow more
than that right here in Detroit."--_Detroit Free Press_.


One winter morning Henry Clay, finding himself in need of money, went to
the Riggs Bank and asked for the loan of $250 on his personal note. He
was told that while his credit was perfectly good, it was the inflexible
rule of the bank to require an indorser. The great statesman hunted up
Daniel Webster and asked him to indorse the note.

"With pleasure," said Webster. "But I need some money myself. Why not
make your note for five hundred, and you and I will split it?"

This they did. And to-day the note is in the Riggs Bank--unpaid.




BOSSES


The insurance agent climbed the steps and rang the bell.

"Whom do you wish to see?" asked the careworn person who came to the
door.

"I want to see the boss of the house," replied the insurance agent. "Are
you the boss?"

"No," meekly returned the man who came to the door; "I'm only the
husband of the boss. Step in, I'll call the boss."

The insurance agent took a seat in the hall, and in a short time a tall
dignified woman appeared.

"So you want to see the boss?" repeated the woman. "Well, just step into
the kitchen. This way, please. Bridget, this gentleman desires to see
you."

"Me th' boss!" exclaimed Bridget, when the insurance agent asked her the
question. "Indade Oi'm not! Sure here comes th' boss now."

She pointed to a small boy of ten years who was coming toward the house.

"Tell me," pleaded the insurance agent, when the lad came into the
kitchen, "are you the boss of the house?"

"Want to see the boss?" asked the boy. "Well, you just come with me."

Wearily the insurance agent climbed up the stairs. He was ushered into a
room on the second floor and guided to the crib of a sleeping baby.

"There!" exclaimed the boy, "that's the real boss of this house."




BOSTON


A tourist from the east, visiting an old prospector in his lonely cabin
in the hills, commented: "And yet you seem so cheerful and happy."
"Yes," replied the one of the pick and shovel. "I spent a week in Boston
once, and no matter what happens to me now, it seems good luck in
comparison."


A little Boston girl with exquisitely long golden curls and quite an
angelic appearance in general, came in from an afternoon walk with her
nurse and said to her mother, "Oh, Mamma, a strange woman on the street
said to me, 'My, but ain't you got beautiful hair!'"

The mother smiled, for the compliment was well merited, but she gasped
as the child innocently continued her account:

"I said to her, 'I am very glad to have you like my hair, but I am sorry
to hear you use the word "ain't"!'"--_E. R. Bickford_.


NAN--"That young man from Boston is an interesting talker, so far as you
can understand what he says; but what a queer dialect he uses."

FAN--"That isn't dialect; it's vocabulary. Can't you tell the
difference?"


A Bostonian died, and when he arrived at St. Peter's gate he was asked
the usual questions:

"What is your name, and where are you from?"

The answer was, "Mr. So-and-So, from Boston."

"You may come in," said Peter, "but I know you won't like it."


  There was a young lady from Boston,
  A two-horned dilemma was tossed on,
    As to which was the best,
    To be rich in the west
  Or poor and peculiar in Boston.




BOXING


John L. Sullivan was asked why he had never taken to giving boxing
lessons.

"Well, son, I tried it once," replied Mr. Sullivan. "A husky young man
took one lesson from me and went home a little the worse for wear. When
he came around for his second lesson he said: 'Mr Sullivan, it was my
idea to learn enough about boxing from you to be able to lick a certain
young gentleman what I've got it in for. But I've changed my mind,' says
he. 'If it's all the same to you, Mr. Sullivan, I'll send this young
gentleman down here to take the rest of my lessons for me.'"




BOYS


A certain island in the West Indies is liable to the periodical advent
of earthquakes. One year before the season of these terrestrial
disturbances, Mr. X., who lived in the danger zone, sent his two sons to
the home of a brother in England, to secure them from the impending
havoc.

Evidently the quiet of the staid English household was disturbed by the
irruption of the two West Indians, for the returning mail steamer
carried a message to Mr. X., brief but emphatic:

"Take back your boys; send me the earthquake."


Aunt Eliza came up the walk and said to her small nephew: "Good morning,
Willie. Is your mother in?"

"Sure she's in," replied Willie truculently. "D'you s'pose I'd be
workin' in the garden on Saturday morning if she wasn't?"


An iron hoop bounded through the area railings of a suburban house and
played havoc with the kitchen window. The woman waited, anger in her
eyes, for the appearance of the hoop's owner. Presently he came.

"Please, I've broken your window," he said, "and here's Father to mend
it."

And, sure enough, he was followed by a stolid-looking workman, who at
once started to work, while the small boy took his hoop and ran off.

"That'll be four bits, ma'am," announced the glazier when the window was
whole once more.

"Four bits!" gasped the woman. "But your little boy broke it--the little
fellow with the hoop, you know. You're his father, aren't you?"

The stolid man shook his head.

"Don't know him from Adam," he said. "He came around to my place and
told me his mother wanted her winder fixed. You're his mother, aren't
you?"

And the woman shook her head also.--_Ray Trum Nathan_.


_See also_ Egotism; Employers and employees; Office boys.




BREAKFAST FOODS


Pharaoh had just dreamed of the seven full and the seven blasted ears of
corn.

"You are going to invent a new kind of breakfast food," interpreted
Joseph.--_Judge_.




BREATH


One day a teacher was having a first-grade class in physiology. She
asked them if they knew that there was a burning fire in the body all of
the time. One little girl spoke up and said:

"Yes'm, when it is a cold day I can see the smoke."


Said the bibulous gentleman who had been reading birth and death
statistics: "Do you know, James, every time I breathe a man dies?"

"Then," said James, "why don't you chew cloves?"




BREVITY


An after-dinner speaker was called on to speak on "The Antiquity of the
Microbe." He arose and said, "Adam had 'em," and then sat down.


A negro servant, on being ordered to announce visitors to a dinner
party, was directed to call out in a loud, distinct voice their names.
The first to arrive was the Fitzgerald family, numbering eight persons.
The negro announced Major Fitzgerald, Miss Fitzgerald, Master
Fitzgerald, and so on.

This so annoyed the master that he went to the negro and said, "Don't
announce each person like that; say something shorter."

The next to arrive were Mr. and Mrs. Penny and their daughter. The negro
solemnly opened the door and called out, "Thrupence!"


Dr. Abernethy, the famous Scotch surgeon, was a man of few words, but he
once met his match--in a woman. She called at his office in Edinburgh,
one day, with a hand badly inflamed and swollen. The following dialogue,
opened by the doctor, took place.

"Burn?"

"Bruise."

"Poultice."

The next day the woman called, and the dialogue was as follows:

"Better?"

"Worse."

"More poultice."

Two days later the woman made another call.

"Better?"

"Well. Fee?"

"Nothing. Most sensible woman I ever saw."




BRIBERY


A judge, disgusted with a jury that seemed unable to reach an agreement
in a perfectly evident case, rose and said, "I discharge this jury."

One sensitive talesman, indignant at what he considered a rebuke,
obstinately faced the judge.

"You can't discharge me," he said in tones of one standing upon his
rights.

"And why not?" asked the surprised judge.

"Because," announced the juror, pointing to the lawyer for the defense,
"I'm being hired by that man there!"




BRIDES


"My dear," said the young husband as he took the bottle of milk from the
dumb-waiter and held it up to the light, "have you noticed that there's
never cream on this milk?"

"I spoke to the milkman about it," she replied, "and he explained that
the company always fill their bottles so full that there's no room for
cream on top."


"Do you think only of me?" murmured the bride. "Tell me that you think
only of me."

"It's this way," explained the groom gently. "Now and then I have to
think of the furnace, my dear."




BRIDGE WHIST


"How about the sermon?"

"The minister preached on the sinfulness of cheating at bridge."

"You don't say! Did he mention any names?"




BROOKLYN


At the Brooklyn Bridge.--"Madam, do you want to go to Brooklyn?"

"No, I have to."--_Life_.




BRYAN, WILLIAM JENNINGS


Some time after the presidential election of 1908, one of Champ Clark's
friends noticed that he still wore one of the Bryan watch fobs so
popular during the election. On being asked the reason for this, Champ
replied: "Oh, that's to keep my watch running."




BUILDINGS


Pat had gone back home to Ireland and was telling about New York.

"Have they such tall buildings in America as they say, Pat?" asked the
parish priest.

"Tall buildings ye ask, sur?" replied Pat. "Faith, sur, the last one I
worked on we had to lay on our stomachs to let the moon pass."




BURGLARS


A burglar was one night engaged in the pleasing occupation of stowing a
good haul of swag in his bag when he was startled by a touch on the
shoulder, and, turning his head, he beheld a venerable, mild-eyed
clergyman gazing sadly at him.

"Oh, my brother," groaned the reverend gentleman, "wouldst thou rob me?
Turn, I beseech thee--turn from thy evil ways. Return those stolen goods
and depart in peace, for I am merciful and forgive. Begone!"

And the burglar, only too thankful at not being given into custody of
the police, obeyed and slunk swiftly off.

Then the good old man carefully and quietly packed the swag into another
bag and walked softly (so as not to disturb the slumber of the inmates)
out of the house and away into the silent night.




BUSINESS


A Boston lawyer, who brought his wit from his native Dublin, while
cross-examining the plaintiff in a divorce trial, brought forth the
following:

"You wish to divorce this woman because she drinks?"

"Yes, sir."

"Do you drink yourself?"

"That's _my_ business!" angrily.

Whereupon the unmoved lawyer asked: "Have you any other business?"


At the Boston Immigration Station one blank was recently filled out as
follows:

Name--Abraham Cherkowsky.
Born--Yes.
Business--Rotten.




BUSINESS ENTERPRISE


It happened in Topeka. Three clothing stores were on the same block. One
morning the middle proprietor saw to the right of him a big
sign--"Bankrupt Sale," and to the left--"Closing Out at Cost." Twenty
minutes later there appeared over his own door, in larger letters, "Main
Entrance."


In a section of Washington where there are a number of hotels and cheap
restaurants, one enterprising concern has displayed in great illuminated
letters, "Open All Night." Next to it was a restaurant bearing with
equal prominence the legend:

"We Never Close."

Third in order was a Chinese laundry in a little, low-framed, tumbledown
hovel, and upon the front of this building was the sign, in great,
scrawling letters:

"Me wakee, too."


A boy looking for something to do saw the sign "Boy Wanted" hanging
outside of a store in New York. He picked up the sign and entered the
store.

The proprietor met him. "What did you bring that sign in here for?"
asked the storekeeper.

"You won't need it any more," said the boy cheerfully. "I'm going to
take the job."


A Chinaman found his wife lying dead in a field one morning; a tiger had
killed her.

The Chinaman went home, procured some arsenic, and, returning to the
field, sprinkled it over the corpse.

The next day the tiger's dead body lay beside the woman's. The Chinaman
sold the tiger's skin to a mandarin, and its body to a physician to make
fear-cure powders, and with the proceeds he was able to buy a younger
wife.


A rather simple-looking lad halted before a blacksmith's shop on his way
home from school and eyed the doings of the proprietor with much
interest.

The brawny smith, dissatisfied with the boy's curiosity, held a piece of
red-hot iron suddenly under the youngster's nose, hoping to make him
beat a hasty retreat.

"If you'll give me half a dollar I'll lick it," said the lad.

The smith took from his pocket half a dollar and held it out.

The simple-looking youngster took the coin, licked it, dropped it in his
pocket and slowly walked away whistling.


"Do you know where Johnny Locke lives, my little boy?" asked a
gentle-voiced old lady.

"He aint home, but if you give me a penny I'll find him for you right
off," replied the lad.

"All right, you're a nice little boy. Now where is he?"

"Thanks--I'm him."


"From each according to his ability, to each according to his need,"
would seem to be the principle of the Chinese storekeeper whom a
traveler tells about. The Chinaman asked $2.50 for five pounds of tea,
while he demanded $7.50 for ten pounds of the same brand. His business
philosophy was expressed in these words of explanation: "More buy, more
rich--more rich, more can pay!"


In a New York street a wagon loaded with lamp globes collided with a
truck and many of the globes were smashed. Considerable sympathy was
felt for the driver as he gazed ruefully at the shattered fragments. A
benevolent-looking old gentleman eyed him compassionately.

"My poor man," he said, "I suppose you will have to make good this loss
out of your own pocket?"

"Yep," was the melancholy reply.

"Well, well," said the philanthropic old gentleman, "hold out your
hat--here's a quarter for you; and I dare say some of these other people
will give you a helping hand too."

The driver held out his hat and several persons hastened to drop coins
in it. At last, when the contributions had ceased, he emptied the
contents of his hat into his pocket. Then, pointing to the retreating
figure of the philanthropist who had started the collection, he
observed: "Say, maybe he ain't the wise guy! That's me boss!"




BUSINESS ETHICS


"Johnny," said his teacher, "if coal is selling at $6 a ton and you pay
your dealer $24 how many tons will he bring you?"

"A little over three tons, ma'am," said Johnny promptly.

"Why, Johnny, that isn't right," said the teacher.

"No, ma'am, I know it ain't," said Johnny, "but they all do it."




BUSINESS WOMEN


Wanted--A housekeeping man by a business woman. Object matrimony.




CAMPAIGNS


_See_ Candidates; Public speakers.




CAMPING


Camp life is just one canned thing after another.




CANDIDATES


"When I first decided to allow the people of Tupelo to use my name as a
candidate for Congress, I went out to a neighboring parish to speak,"
said Private John Allen recently to some friends at the old Metropolitan
Hotel in Washington.

"An old darky came up to greet me after the meeting. 'Marse Allen,' he
said, 'I's powerful glad to see you. I's known ob you sense you was a
babby. Knew yoh pappy long befo' you-all wuz bohn, too. He used to hold
de same office you got now. I 'members how he held dat same office fo'
years an' years.'

"'What office do you mean, uncle?' I asked, as I never knew pop held any
office.

"'Why, de office ob candidate, Marse John; yoh pappy was candidate fo'
many years.'"


A good story is told on the later Senator Vance. He was traveling down
in North Carolina, when he met an old darky one Sunday morning. He had
known the old man for many years, so he took the liberty of inquiring
where he was going.

"I am, sah, pedestrianin' my appointed way to de tabernacle of de
Lord."

"Are you an Episcopalian?" inquired Vance.

"No, sah, I can't say dat I am an Epispokapillian."

"Maybe you are a Baptist?"

"No, sah, I can't say dat I's ever been buried wid de Lord in de waters
of baptism."

"Oh, I see you are a Methodist."

"No, sah, I can't say dat I's one of dose who hold to argyments of de
faith of de Medodists."

"What are you, then, uncle?"

"I's a Presbyterian, Marse Zeb, just de same as you is."

"Oh nonsense, uncle, you don't mean to say that you subscribe to all the
articles of the Presbyterian faith?"

"'Deed I do sah."

"Do you believe in the doctrine of election to be saved?"

"Yas, sah, I b'lieve in the doctrine of 'lection most firmly and
un'quivactin'ly."

"Well then tell me do you believe that I am elected to be saved?"

The old darky hesitated. There was undoubtedly a terrific struggle going
on in his mind between his veracity and his desire to be polite to the
Senator. Finally he compromised by saying:

"Well, I'll tell you how it is, Marse Zeb. You see I's never heard of
anybody bein' 'lected to anything for what they wasn't a candidate. Has
you, sah?"


A political office in a small town was vacant. The office paid $250 a
year and there was keen competition for it. One of the candidates,
Ezekiel Hicks, was a shrewd old fellow, and a neat campaign fund was
turned over to him. To the astonishment of all, however, he was
defeated.

"I can't account for it," said one of the leaders of Hicks' party,
gloomily.

"With that money we should have won. How did you lay it out, Ezekiel."

"Well," said Ezekiel, slowly pulling his whiskers, "yer see that office
only pays $250 a year salary, an' I didn't see no sense in paying $900
out to get the office, so I bought a little truck farm instead."


The little daughter of a Democratic candidate for a local office in
Saratoga County, New York, when told that her father had got the
nomination, cried out, "Oh, mama, do they ever die of it?"


"I am willing," said the candidate, after he had hit the table a
terrible blow with his fist, "to trust the people."

"Gee!" yelled a little man in the audience. "I wish you'd open a
grocery."


"Now, Mr. Blank," said a temperance advocate to a candidate for
municipal honors, "I want to ask you a question. Do you ever take
alcoholic drinks?"

"Before I answer the question," responded the wary candidate,

"I want to know whether it is put as an inquiry or as an invitation!"


_See also_ Politicians.




CANNING AND PRESERVING


  A canner, exceedingly canny,
  One morning remarked to his granny,
    "A canner can can
    Anything that he can;
  But a canner can't can a can, can he?"

  --Carolyn Wells.




CAPITALISTS


Of the late Bishop Charles G. Grafton a Fond du Lac man said: "Bishop
Grafton was remarkable for the neatness and point of his pulpit
utterances. Once, during a disastrous strike, a capitalist of Fond du
Lac arose in a church meeting and asked leave to speak. The bishop gave
him the floor, and the man delivered himself of a long panegyric upon
captains of industry, upon the good they do by giving men work, by
booming the country, by reducing the cost of production, and so forth.
When the capitalist had finished his self-praise and, flushed and
satisfied, had sat down again, Bishop Grafton rose and said with quiet
significance: 'Is there any other sinner that would like to say a
word?'"




CAREFULNESS


Michael Dugan, a journeyman plumber, was sent by his employer to the
Hightower mansion to repair a gas-leak in the drawing-room. When the
butler admitted him he said to Dugan:

"You are requested to be careful of the floors. They have just been
polished."

"They's no danger iv me slippin' on thim," replied Dugan. "I hov spikes
in me shoes."--_Lippincott's_.




CARPENTERS


While building a house, Senator Platt of Connecticut had occasion to
employ a carpenter. One of the applicants was a plain Connecticut
Yankee, without any frills.

"You thoroughly understand carpentry?" asked the senator.

"Yes, sir."

"You can make doors, windows, and blinds?"

"Oh, yes sir!"

"How would you make a Venetian blind?"

The man scratched his head and thought deeply for a few seconds. "I
should think, sir," he said finally, "about the best way would be to
punch him in the eye."




CARVING


To Our National Birds--the Eagle and the Turkey--(while the host is
carving):

  May one give us peace in all our States,
  And the other a piece for all our plates.




CASTE


In some parts of the South the darkies are still addicted to the old
style country dance in a big hall, with the fiddlers, banjoists, and
other musicians on a platform at one end.

At one such dance held not long ago in an Alabama town, when the
fiddlers had duly resined their bows and taken their places on the
platform, the floor manager rose.

"Git yo' partners fo' de nex' dance!" he yelled. "All you ladies an'
gennulmens dat wears shoes an' stockin's, take yo' places in de middle
of de room. All you ladies an' gennulmens dat wears shoes an' no
stockin's, take yo' places immejitly behim' dem. An' yo' barfooted
crowd, you jes' jig it roun' in de corners."--_Taylor Edwards_.




CATS


  There was a young lady whose dream
  Was to feed a black cat on whipt cream,
    But the cat with a bound
    Spilt the milk on the ground,
  So she fed a whipt cat on black cream.


  There once were two cats in Kilkenny,
  And each cat thought that there was one cat too many,
  And they scratched and they fit and they tore and they bit,
  'Til instead of two cats--there weren't any.




CAUSE AND EFFECT


Archbishop Whately was one day asked if he rose early. He replied that
once he did, but he was so proud all the morning and so sleepy all the
afternoon that he determined never to do it again.


A man who has an office downtown called his wife by telephone the other
morning and during the conversation asked what the baby was doing.

"She was crying her eyes out," replied the mother.

"What about?"

"I don't know whether it is because she has eaten too many strawberries
or because she wants more," replied the discouraged mother.


BANKS--"I had a new experience yesterday, one you might call
unaccountable. I ate a hearty dinner, finishing up with a Welsh rabbit,
a mince pie and some lobster à la Newburgh. Then I went to a place of
amusement. I had hardly entered the building before everything swam
before me."

BINKS--"The Welsh rabbit did it."

BUNKS--"No; it was the lobster."

BONKS--"I think it was the mince pie."

BANKS--"No; I have a simpler explanation than that. I never felt better
in my life; I was at the Aquarium."--_Judge_.


Among a party of Bostonians who spent some time in a hunting-camp in
Maine were two college professors. No sooner had the learned gentlemen
arrived than their attention was attracted by the unusual position of
the stove, which was set on posts about four feet high.

This circumstance afforded one of the professors immediate opportunity
to comment upon the knowledge that woodsmen gain by observation.

"Now," said he, "this man has discovered that heat emanating from a
stove strikes the roof, and that the circulation is so quickened that
the camp is warmed in much less time than would be required were the
stove in its regular place on the floor."

But the other professor ventured the opinion that the stove was elevated
to be above the window in order that cool and pure air could be had at
night.

The host, being of a practical turn, thought that the stove was set high
in order that a good supply of green wood could be placed under it.

After much argument, they called the guide and asked why the stove was
in such a position.

The man grinned. "Well, gents," he explained, "when I brought the stove
up the river I lost most of the stove-pipe overboard; so we had to set
the stove up that way so as to have the pipe reach through the roof."


Jack Barrymore, son of Maurice Barrymore, and himself an actor of some
ability, is not over-particular about his personal appearance and is a
little lazy.

He was in San Francisco on the morning of the earthquake. He was thrown
out of bed by one of the shocks, spun around on the floor and left
gasping in a corner. Finally, he got to his feet and rushed for a
bathtub, where he stayed all that day. Next day he ventured out. A
soldier, with a bayonet on his gun, captured Barrymore and compelled him
to pile bricks for two days.

Barrymore was telling his terrible experience in the Lambs' Club in New
York.

"Extraordinary," commented Augustus Thomas, the playwright. "It took a
convulsion of nature to make Jack take a bath, and the United States
Army to make him go to work."




CAUTION


Marshall Field, 3rd, according to a story that was going the rounds
several years ago, bids fair to become a very cautious business man when
he grows up. Approaching an old lady in a Lakewood hotel, he said:

"Can you crack nuts?"

"No, dear," the old lady replied. "I lost all my teeth ages ago."

"Then," requested Master Field, extending two hands full of pecans,
"please hold these while I go and get some more."




CHAMPAGNE


MR. HILTON--"Have you opened that bottle of champagne, Bridget?"

BRIDGET--"Faith, I started to open it, an' it began to open itself.
Sure, the mon that filled that bottle must 'av' put in two quarts
instead of wan."


Sir Andrew Clark was Mr. Gladstone's physician, and was known to the
great statesman as a "temperance doctor" who very rarely prescribed
alcohol for his patients. On one occasion he surprised Mr. Gladstone by
recommending him to take some wine. In answer to his illustrious
patient's surprise he said:

"Oh, wine does sometimes help you get through work! For instance, I have
often twenty letters to answer after dinner, and a pint of champagne is
a great help."

"Indeed!" remarked Mr. Gladstone; "does a pint of champagne really help
you to answer the twenty letters?"

"No," Sir Andrew explained; "but when I've had a pint of champagne I
don't care a rap whether I answer them or not."




CHARACTER


The Rev. Charles H. Spurgeon was fond of a joke and his keen wit was,
moreover, based on sterling common sense. One day he remarked to one of
his sons:

"Can you tell me the reason why the lions didn't eat Daniel?"

"No sir. Why was it?"

"Because the most of him was backbone and the rest was grit."


They were trying an Irishman, charged with a petty offense, in an
Oklahoma town, when the judge asked: "Have you any one in court who will
vouch for your good character?"

"Yis, your honor," quickly responded the Celt, "there's the sheriff
there."

Whereupon the sheriff evinced signs of great amazement.

"Why, your honor," declared he, "I don't even know the man."

"Observe, your honor," said the Irishman, triumphantly, "observe that
I've lived in the country for over twelve years an' the sheriff doesn't
know me yit! Ain't that a character for ye?"


We must have a weak spot or two in a character before we can love it
much. People that do not laugh or cry, or take more of anything than is
good for them, or use anything but dictionary-words, are admirable
subjects for biographies. But we don't care most for those flat pattern
flowers that press best in the herbarium.--_O.W. Holmes_.




CHARITY


"Charity," said Rev. B., "is a sentiment common to human nature. A never
sees B in distress without wishing C to relieve him."


Dr. C.H. Parkhurst, the eloquent New York clergyman, at a recent
banquet said of charity:

"Too many of us, perhaps, misinterpret the meaning of charity as the
master misinterpreted the Scriptural text. This master, a pillar of a
western church, entered in his journal:

"'The Scripture ordains that, if a man take away thy coat, let him have
thy cloak also. To-day, having caught the hostler stealing my potatoes,
I have given him the sack.'"


THE LADY--"Well, I'll give you a dime; not because you deserve it, mind,
but because it pleases me."

THE TRAMP--"Thank you, mum. Couldn't yer make it a quarter an' thoroly
enjoy yourself?"


Porter Emerson came into the office yesterday. He had been out in the
country for a week and was very cheerful. Just as he was leaving, he
said: "Did you hear about that man who died the other day and left all
he had to the orphanage?"

"No," some one answered. "How much did he leave?"

"Twelve children."


"I made a mistake," said Plodding Pete. "I told that man up the road I
needed a little help 'cause I was lookin' for me family from whom I had
been separated fur years."

"Didn't that make him come across?"

"He couldn't see it. He said dat he didn't know my family, but he wasn't
goin' to help in bringing any such trouble on 'em."


"It requires a vast deal of courage and charity to be philanthropic,"
remarked Sir Thomas Lipton, apropos of Andrew Carnegie's giving. "I
remember when I was just starting in business. I was very poor and
making every sacrifice to enlarge my little shop. My only assistant was
a boy of fourteen, faithful and willing and honest. One day I heard him
complaining, and with justice, that his clothes were so shabby that he
was ashamed to go to chapel.

"'There's no chance of my getting a new suit this year,' he told me.
'Dad's out of work, and it takes all of my wages to pay the rent.'

"I thought the matter over, and then took a sovereign from my carefully
hoarded savings and bought the boy a stout warm suit of blue cloth. He
was so grateful that I felt repaid for my sacrifice. But the next day he
didn't come to work. I met his mother on the street and asked her the
reason.

"'Why, Mr. Lipton,' she said, curtsying, 'Jimmie looks so respectable,
thanks to you, sir, that I thought I would send him around town today to
see if he couldn't get a better job.'"


"Good morning, ma'am," began the temperance worker. "I'm collecting for
the Inebriates' Home and--"

"Why, me husband's out," replied Mrs. McGuire, "but if ye can find him
anywhere's ye're welcome to him."


Charity is a virtue of the heart, and not of the hands.--_Addison_.


You find people ready enough to do the Samaritan, without the oil and
twopence.--_Sydney Smith_.




CHICAGO


A western bookseller wrote to a house in Chicago asking that a dozen
copies of Canon Farrar's "Seekers after God" be shipped to him at once.

Within two days he received this reply by telegraph:

"No seekers after God in Chicago or New York. Try Philadelphia."




CHICKEN STEALING


Senator Money of Mississippi asked an old colored man what breed of
chickens he considered best, and he replied:

"All kinds has merits. De w'ite ones is de easiest to find; but de black
ones is de easiest to hide aftah you gits 'em."


Ida Black had retired from the most select colored circles for a brief
space, on account of a slight difficulty connected with a gentleman's
poultry-yard. Her mother was being consoled by a white friend.

"Why, Aunt Easter, I was mighty sorry to hear about Ida--"

"Marse John, Ida ain't nuvver tuk dem chickens. Ida wouldn't do sich a
thing! Ida wouldn't demeange herse'f to rob nobody's hen-roost--and, any
way, dem old chickens warn't nothing't all but feathers when we picked
'em."


"Does de white folks in youah neighborhood keep eny chickens, Br'er
Rastus?"

"Well, Br'er Johnsing, mebbe dey does keep a few."


Henry E. Dixey met a friend one afternoon on Broadway.

"Well, Henry," exclaimed the friend, "you are looking fine! What do they
feed you on?"

"Chicken mostly," replied Dixey. "You see, I am rehearsing in a play
where I am to be a thief, so, just by way of getting into training for
the part I steal one of my own chickens every morning and have the cook
broil it for me. I have accomplished the remarkable feat of eating
thirty chickens in thirty consecutive days."

"Great Scott!" exclaimed the friend. "Do you still like them?"

"Yes, I do," replied Dixey; "and, what is better still, the chickens
like me. Why they have got so when I sneak into the hen-house they all
begin to cackle, 'I wish I was in Dixey.'"--_A. S. Hitchcock_.


A southerner, hearing a great commotion in his chicken-house one dark
night, took his revolver and went to investigate.

"Who's there?" he sternly demanded, opening the door.

No answer.

"Who's there? Answer, or I'll shoot!"

A trembling voice from the farthest corner:

"'Deed, sah, dey ain't nobody hyah ceptin' us chickens."


A colored parson, calling upon one of his flock, found the object of his
visit out in the back yard working among his hen-coops. He noticed with
surprise that there were no chickens.

"Why, Brudder Brown," he asked, "whar'r all yo' chickens?"

"Huh," grunted Brother Brown without looking up, "some fool niggah lef
de do' open an' dey all went home."




CHILD LABOR


"What's up old man; you look as happy as a lark!"

"Happy? Why shouldn't I look happy? No more hard, weary work by yours
truly. I've got eight kids and I'm going to move to Alabama."--_Life_.




CHILDREN


Two weary parents once advertised:

"WANTED, AT ONCE--Two fluent and well-learned persons, male or female,
to answer the questions of a little girl of three and a boy of four;
each to take four hours per day and rest the parents of said children."


Another couple advertised:

"WANTED: A governess who is good stenographer, to take down the clever
sayings of our child."


A boy twelve years old with an air of melancholy resignation, went to
his teacher and handed in the following note from his mother before
taking his seat:

    "Dear Sir: Please excuse James for not being present
    yesterday.

    "He played truant, but you needn't whip him for it, as the boy
    he played truant with and him fell out, and he licked James;
    and a man they threw stones at caught him and licked him; and
    the driver of a cart they hung onto licked him; and the owner
    of a cat they chased licked him. Then I licked him when he
    came home, after which his father licked him; and I had to
    give him another for being impudent to me for telling his
    father. So you need not lick him until next time.

    "He thinks he will attend regular in future."


MRS. POST--"But why adopt a baby when you have three children of your
own under five years old?"

MRS. PARKER--"My own are being brought up properly. The adopted one is
to enjoy."


The neighbors of a certain woman in a New England town maintain that
this lady entertains some very peculiar notions touching the training of
children. Local opinion ascribes these oddities on her part to the fact
that she attended normal school for one year just before her marriage.

Said one neighbor: "She does a lot of funny things. What do you suppose
I heard her say to that boy of hers this afternoon?"

"I dunno. What was it?"

"Well, you know her husband cut his finger badly yesterday with a
hay-cutter; and this afternoon as I was goin' by the house I heard her
say:

"'Now, William, you must be a very good boy, for your father has injured
his hand, and if you are naughty he won't be able to whip you.'"--_Edwin
Tarrisse_.


Childhood has no forebodings; but then, it is soothed by no memories of
outlived sorrow.--_George Eliot_.


Better to be driven out from among men than to be disliked of
children.--_R.H. Dana_.


_See also_ Boys; Families.




CHOICES


William Phillips, our secretary of embassy at London, tells of an
American officer who, by the kind permission of the British Government,
was once enabled to make a week's cruise on one of His Majesty's
battleships. Among other things that impressed the American was the
vessel's Sunday morning service. It was very well attended, every sailor
not on duty being there. At the conclusion of the service the American
chanced to ask one of the jackies:

"Are you obliged to attend these Sunday morning services?"

"Not exactly obliged to, sir," replied the sailor-man, "but our grog
would be stopped if we didn't, sir."--_Edwin Tarrisse_.


A well-known furniture dealer of a Virginia town wanted to give his
faithful negro driver something for Christmas in recognition of his
unfailing good humor in toting out stoves, beds, pianos, etc.

"Dobson," he said, "you have helped me through some pretty tight places
in the last ten years, and I want to give you something as a Christmas
present that will be useful to you and that you will enjoy. Which do you
prefer, a ton of coal or a gallon of good whiskey?"

"Boss," Dobson replied, "Ah burns wood."


A man hurried into a quick-lunch restaurant recently and called to the
waiter: "Give me a ham sandwich."

"Yes, sir," said the waiter, reaching for the sandwich; "will you eat it
or take it with you?"

"Both," was the unexpected but obvious reply.




CHOIRS


_See_ Singers.




CHRISTIAN SCIENTISTS


While waiting for the speaker at a public meeting a pale little man in
the audience seemed very nervous. He glanced over his shoulder from time
to time and squirmed and shifted about in his seat. At last, unable to
stand it longer, he arose and demanded, in a high, penetrating voice,
"Is there a Christian Scientist in this room?"

A woman at the other side of the hall got up and said, "I am a Christian
Scientist."

"Well, then, madam," requested the little man, "would you mind changing
seats with me? I'm sitting in a draft."




CHRISTIANS


At a dinner, when the gentlemen retired to the smoking room and one of
the guests, a Japanese, remained with the ladies, one asked him:

"Aren't you going to join the gentlemen, Mr. Nagasaki?"

"No. I do not smoke, I do not swear, I do not drink. But then, I am not
a Christian."


A traveler who believed himself to be sole survivor of a shipwreck upon
a cannibal isle hid for three days, in terror of his life. Driven out by
hunger, he discovered a thin wisp of smoke rising from a clump of bushes
inland, and crawled carefully to study the type of savages about it.
Just as he reached the clump he heard a voice say: "Why in hell did you
play that card?" He dropped on his knees and, devoutly raising his
hands, cried:

"Thank God they are Christians!"




CHRISTMAS GIFTS


"As you don't seem to know what you'd like for Christmas, Freddie," said
his mother, "here's a printed list of presents for a good little boy."

Freddie read over the list, and then said:

"Mother, haven't you a list for a bad little boy?"

  'Twas the month after Christmas,
  And Santa had flit;
  Came there tidings for father
  Which read: "Please remit!"

  --_R.L.F_.


Little six-year-old Harry was asked by his Sunday-school teacher:

"And, Harry, what are you going to give your darling little brother for
Christmas this year?"

"I dunno," said Harry; "I gave him the measles last year."


  For little children everywhere
    A joyous season still we make;
  We bring our precious gifts to them,
    Even for the dear child Jesus' sake.

  --_Phebe Cary_.


  I will, if you will,
    devote my Christmas giving to the children and the needy,
      reserving only the privilege of, once in a while,
        giving to a dear friend a gift which then will have
          the old charm of being a genuine surprise.

  I will, if you will,
    keep the spirit of Christmas in my heart, and,
      barring out hurry, worry, and competition,
        will consecrate the blessed season, in joy and love,
          to the One whose birth we celebrate.

  --_Jane Porter Williams_.




CHRONOLOGY


TOURIST--"They have just dug up the corner-stone of an ancient library
in Greece, on which is inscribed '4000 B.C.'"

ENGLISHMAN--"Before Carnegie, I presume."




CHURCH ATTENDANCE


"Tremendous crowd up at our church last night."

"New minister?"

"No it was burned down."


"I understand," said a young woman to another, "that at your church you
are having such small congregations. Is that so?"

"Yes," answered the other girl, "so small that every time our rector
says 'Dearly Beloved' you feel as if you had received a proposal!"


"Are you a pillar of the church?"

"No, I'm a flying buttress--I support it from the outside."




CHURCH DISCIPLINE


Pius the Ninth was not without a certain sense of humor. One day, while
sitting for his portrait to Healy, the painter, speaking of a monk who
had left the church and married, he observed, not without malice: "He
has taken his punishment into his own hands."




CIRCUS


A well-known theatrical manager repeats an instance of what the late W.
C. Coup, of circus fame, once told him was one of the most amusing
features of the show-business; the faking in the "side-show."

Coup was the owner of a small circus that boasted among its principal
attractions a man-eating ape, alleged to be the largest in captivity.
This ferocious beast was exhibited chained to the dead trunk of a tree
in the side-show. Early in the day of the first performance of Coup's
enterprise at a certain Ohio town, a countryman handed the man-eating
ape a piece of tobacco, in the chewing of which the beast evinced the
greatest satisfaction.

The word was soon passed around that the ape would chew tobacco; and the
result was that several plugs were thrown at him. Unhappily, however,
one of these had been filled with cayenne pepper. The man-eating ape bit
it; then, howling with indignation, snapped the chain that bound him to
the tree, and made straight for the practical joker who had so cruelly
deceived him.

"Lave me at 'im!" yelled the ape. "Lave me at 'im, the dirty villain!
I'll have the rube's loife, or me name ain't Magillicuddy!"

Fortunately for the countryman and for Magillicuddy, too, the man-eating
ape was restrained by the bystanders in time to prevent a killing.


    Willie to the circus went,
    He thought it was immense;
    His little heart went pitter-pat,
    For the excitement was in tents.

    --_Harvard Lampoon_.


A child of strict parents, whose greatest joy had hitherto been the
weekly prayer-meeting, was taken by its nurse to the circus for the
first time. When he came home he exclaimed:

"Oh, Mama, if you once went to the circus you'd never, never go to a
prayer-meeting again in all your life."


Johnny, who had been to the circus, was telling his teacher about the
wonderful things he had seen.

"An' teacher," he cried, "they had one big animal they called the
hip--hip--

"Hippopotamus, dear," prompted the teacher.

"I can't just say its name," exclaimed Johnny, "but it looks just like
9,000 pounds of liver."




CIVILIZATION


An officer of the Indian Office at Washington tells of the patronizing
airs frequently assumed by visitors to the government schools for the
redskins.

On one occasion a pompous little man was being shown through one
institution when he came upon an Indian lad of seventeen years. The
worker was engaged in a bit of carpentry, which the visitor observed in
silence for some minutes. Then, with the utmost gravity, he asked the
boy:

"Are you civilized?"

The youthful redskin lifted his eyes from his work, calmly surveyed his
questioner, and then replied:

"No, are you?"--_Taylor Edwards_.


"My dear, listen to this," exclaimed the elderly English lady to her
husband, on her first visit to the States. She held the hotel menu
almost at arm's length, and spoke in a tone of horror: "'Baked Indian
pudding!' Can it be possible in a civilized country?"


"The path of civilization is paved with tin cans."--_The Philistine_.




CLEANLINESS


"Among the tenements that lay within my jurisdiction when I first took
up mission work on the East Side." says a New York young woman, "was one
to clean out which would have called for the best efforts of the
renovator of the Augean stables. And the families in this tenement were
almost as hopeless as the tenement itself.

"On one occasion I felt distinctly encouraged, however, since I observed
that the face of one youngster was actually clean.

"'William,' said I, 'your face is fairly clean, but how did you get such
dirty hands?"

"'Washin' me face,' said William."


A woman in one of the factory towns of Massachusetts recently agreed to
take charge of a little girl while her mother, a seamstress, went to
another town for a day's work.

The woman with whom the child had been left endeavored to keep her
contented, and among other things gave her a candy dog, with which she
played happily all day.

At night the dog had disappeared, and the woman inquired whether it had
been lost.

"No, it ain't lost," answered the little girl. "I kept it 'most all day,
but it got so dirty that I was ashamed to look at it; so I et
it."--_Fenimore Martin_.


"How old are you?" once asked Whistler of a London newsboy. "Seven," was
the reply. Whistler insisted that he must be older than that, and
turning to his friend he remarked: "I don't think he could get as dirty
as that in seven years, do you?"


If dirt was trumps, what hands you would hold!--_Charles Lamb_.




CLERGY


"Now, children," said the visiting minister who had been asked to
question the Sunday-school, "with what did Samson arm himself to fight
against the Philistines?"

None of the children could tell him.

"Oh, yes, you know!" he said, and to help them he tapped his jaw with
one finger. "What is this?" he asked.

This jogged their memories, and the class cried in chorus: "The jawbone
of an ass."


All work and no plagiarism makes a dull parson.


Bishop Doane of Albany was at one time rector of an Episcopal church in
Hartford, and Mark Twain, who occasionally attended his services, played
a joke upon him, one Sunday.

"Dr. Doane," he said at the end of the service, "I enjoyed your sermon
this morning. I welcomed it like on old friend. I have, you know, a book
at home containing every word of it."

"You have not," said Dr. Doane.

"I have so."

"Well, send that book to me. I'd like to see it."

"I'll send it," the humorist replied. Next morning he sent an unabridged
dictionary to the rector.


The four-year-old daughter of a clergyman was ailing one night and was
put to bed early. As her mother was about to leave her she called her
back.

"Mamma," she said, "I want to see my papa."

"No, dear," her mother replied, "your papa is busy and must not be
disturbed."

"But, mamma," the child persisted, "I want to see my papa."

As before, the mother replied: "No, your papa must not be disturbed."

But the little one came back with a clincher:

"Mamma," she declared solemnly, "I am a sick woman, and I want to see my
minister."


PROFESSOR--"Now, Mr. Jones, assuming you were called to attend a patient
who had swallowed a coin, what would be your method of procedure?"

YOUNG MEDICO--"I'd send for a preacher, sir. They'll get money out of
anyone."


Archbishop Ryan was once accosted on the streets of Baltimore by a man
who knew the archbishop's face, but could not quite place it.

"Now, where in hell have I seen you?" he asked perplexedly.

"From where in hell do you come, sir?"


A Duluth pastor makes it a point to welcome any strangers cordially, and
one evening, after the completion of the service, he hurried down the
aisle to station himself at the door.

He noticed a Swedish girl, evidently a servant, so he welcomed her to
the church, and expressed the hope that she would be a regular
attendant. Finally he said if she would be at home some evening during
the week he would call.

"T'ank you," she murmured bashfully, "but ay have a fella."


A minister of a fashionable church in Newark had always left the
greeting of strangers to be attended to by the ushers, until he read the
newspaper articles in reference to the matter.

"Suppose a reporter should visit our church?" said his wife.

"Wouldn't it be awful?"

"It would," the minister admitted.

The following Sunday evening he noticed a plainly dressed woman in one
of the free pews. She sat alone and was clearly not a member of the
flock. After the benediction the minister hastened and intercepted her
at the door.

"How do you do?" he said, offering his hand, "I am very glad to have you
with us."

"Thank you," replied the young woman.

"I hope we may see you often in our church home," he went on. "We are
always glad to welcome new faces."

"Yes, sir."

"Do you live in this parish?" he asked.

The girl looked blank.

"If you will give me your address my wife and I will call on you some
evening."

"You wouldn't need to go far, sir," said the young woman, "I'm your
cook!"


Bishop Goodsell, of the Methodist Episcopal church, weighs over two
hundred pounds. It was with mingled emotions, therefore that he read the
following in _Zion's Herald_ some time ago:

"The announcement that our New England bishop, Daniel A. Goodsell, has
promised to preach at the Willimantic camp meeting, will give great
pleasure to the hosts of Israel who are looking forward to that feast of
fat things."


It is a standing rule of a company whose boats ply the Great Lakes that
clergymen and Indians may travel on its boats for half-fare. A short
time ago an agent of the company was approached by an Indian preacher
from Canada, who asked for free transportation on the ground that he was
entitled to one-half rebate because he was an Indian, and the other half
because he was a clergyman.--_Elgin Burroughs_.


Booker Washington, as all the world knows, believes that the salvation
of his race lies in industry. Thus, if a young man wants to be a
clergyman, he will meet with but little encouragement from the head of
Tuskegee; but if he wants to be a blacksmith or a bricklayer, his
welcome is warm and hearty.

Dr. Washington, in a recent address in Chicago, said:

"The world is overfull of preachers and when an aspirant for the pulpit
comes to me, I am inclined to tell him about the old uncle working in
the cotton field who said:

"'De cotton am so grassy, de work am so hard, and de sun am so hot, Ah
'clare to goodness Ah believe dis darkey am called to preach.'"


On one occasion the minister delivered a sermon of but ten minutes'
duration--a most unusual thing for him.

Upon the conclusion of his remarks he added: "I regret to inform you,
brethren, that my dog, who appears to be peculiarly fond of paper, this
morning ate that portion of my sermon that I have not delivered. Let us
pray."

After the service the clergyman was met at the door by a man who as a
rule, attended divine service in another parish. Shaking the good man by
the hand he said:

"Doctor, I should like to know whether that dog of yours has any pups.
If so I want to get one to give to my minister."


Recipe for a parson:

  To a cupful of negative goodness
    Add the pleasure of giving advice.
  Sift in a peck of dry sermons,
    And flavor with brimstone or ice.

  --_Life_.


A pompous Bishop of Oxford was once stopped on a London street by a
ragged urchin.

"Well, my little man, and what can I do for you?" inquired the
churchman.

"The time o' day, please, your lordship."

With considerable difficulty the portly bishop extracted his timepiece.

"It is exactly half past five, my lad."

"Well," said the boy, setting his feet for a good start, "at 'alf past
six you go to 'ell!"--and he was off like a flash and around the
corner. The bishop, flushed and furious, his watch dangling from its
chain, floundered wildly after him. But as he rounded the corner he ran
plump into the outstretched arms of the venerable Bishop of London.

"Oxford, Oxford," remonstrated that surprised dignitary, "why this
unseemly haste?"

Puffing, blowing, spluttering, the outraged Bishop gasped out:

"That young ragamuffin--I told him it was half past five--he--er--told
me to go to hell at half past six."

"Yes, yes," said the Bishop of London with the suspicion of a twinkle in
his kindly old eyes, "but why such haste? You've got almost an hour."


  Skilful alike with tongue and pen,
  He preached to all men everywhere
  The Gospel of the Golden Rule,
  The New Commandment given to men,
  Thinking the deed, and not the creed,
  Would help us in our utmost need.

  --_Longfellow_.


_See also_ Burglars; Contribution box; Preaching; Resignation.




CLIMATE


In a certain town the local forecaster of the weather was so often wrong
that his predictions became a standing joke, to his no small annoyance,
for he was very sensitive. At length, in despair of living down his
reputation, he asked headquarters to transfer him to another station.

A brief correspondance ensued.

"Why," asked headquarters, "do you wish to be transferred?"

"Because," the forecaster promptly replied, "the climate doesn't agree
with me."




CLOTHING


One morning as Mark Twain returned from a neighborhood morning call,
sans necktie, his wife met him at the door with the exclamation: "There,
Sam, you have been over to the Stowes's again without a necktie! It's
really disgraceful the way you neglect your dress!"

Her husband said nothing, but went up to his room.

A few minutes later his neighbor--Mrs. S.--was summoned to the door by a
messenger, who presented her with a small box neatly done up. She opened
it and found a black silk necktie, accompanied by the following note:
"Here is a necktie. Take it out and look at it. I think I stayed half an
hour this morning. At the end of that time will you kindly return it, as
it is the only one I have?--Mark Twain."


A man whose trousers bagged badly at the knees was standing on a corner
waiting for a car. A passing Irishman stopped and watched him with great
interest for two or three minutes; at last he said:

"Well, why don't ye jump?"


"The evening wore on," continued the man who was telling the story.

"Excuse me," interrupted the would-be-wit; "but can you tell us what the
evening wore on that occasion?"

"I don't know that it is important," replied the story-teller. "But if
you must know, I believe it was the close of a summer day."


"See that measuring worm crawling up my skirt!" cried Mrs. Bjenks.
"That's a sign I'm going to have a new dress."

"Well, let him make it for you," growled Mr. Bjenks. "And while he's
about it, have him send a hookworm to do you up the back. I'm tired of
the job."


  Dwellers in huts and in marble halls--
    From Shepherdess up to Queen--
  Cared little for bonnets, and less for shawls,
    And nothing for crinoline.
  But now simplicity's _not_ the rage,
    And it's funny to think how cold
  The dress they wore in the Golden Age
    Would seem in the Age of Gold.

  --_Henry S. Leigh_.


  Costly thy habit as thy purse can buy,
  But not express'd in fancy; rich, not gaudy;
  For the apparel oft proclaims the man.

  --_Shakespeare_.




CLUBS


Belle and Ben had just announced their engagement.

"When we are married," said Belle, "I shall expect you to shave every
morning. It's one of the rules of the club I belong to that none of its
members shall marry a man who won't shave every morning."

"Oh, that's all right," replied Ben; "but what about the mornings I
don't get home in time? I belong to a club, too."--_M.A. Hitchcock_.


The guest landing at the yacht club float with his host, both of them
wearing oilskins and sou'-westers to protect them from the drenching
rain, inquired:

"And who are those gentlemen seated on the veranda, looking so spick and
span in their white duck yachting caps and trousers, and keeping the
waiters running all the time?"

"They're the rocking-chair members. They never go outside, and they're
waterproof inside."


One afternoon thirty ladies met at the home of Mrs. Lyons to form a
woman's club. The hostess was unanimously elected president. The next
day the following ad appeared in the newspaper:

"Wanted--a reliable woman to take care of a baby. Apply to Mrs. J. W.
Lyons."




COAL DEALERS


In a Kansas town where two brothers are engaged in the retail coal
business a revival was recently held and the elder of the brothers was
converted. For weeks he tried to persuade his brother to join the
church. One day he asked:

"Why can't you join the church like I did?"

"It's a fine thing for you to belong to the church," replied the younger
brother, "If I join the church who'll weigh the coal?"




COEDUCATION


The speaker was waxing eloquent, and after his peroration on woman's
rights he said: "When they take our girls, as they threaten, away from
the coeducational colleges, what will follow? What will follow, I
repeat?"

And a loud, masculine voice in the audience replied: "I will!"




COFFEE


Among the coffee-drinkers a high place must be given to Bismarck. He
liked coffee unadulterated. While with the Prussian Army in France he
one day entered a country inn and asked the host if he had any chicory
in the house. He had. Bismarck said--"Well, bring it to me; all you
have." The man obeyed and handed Bismarck a canister full of chicory.
"Are you sure this is all you have?" demanded the Chancellor. "Yes, my
lord, every grain." "Then," said Bismarck, keeping the canister by him,
"go now and make me a pot of coffee."




COINS


He had just returned from Paris and said to his old aunt in the country:
"Here, Aunt, is a silver franc piece I brought you from Paris as a
souvenir."

"Thanks, Herman," said the old lady. "I wish you'd thought to have
brought me home one of them Latin quarters I read so much about."




COLLECTING OF ACCOUNTS


An enterprising firm advertised: "All persons indebted to our store are
requested to call and settle. All those indebted to our store and not
knowing it are requested to call and find out. Those knowing themselves
indebted and not wishing to call, are requested to stay in one place
long enough for us to catch them."


"Sir," said the haughty American to his adhesive tailor, "I object to
this boorish dunning. I would have you know that my great-great-grandfather
was one of the early settlers."

"And yet," sighed the anxious tradesman, "there are people who believe
in heredity."


A retail dealer in buggies doing business in one of the large towns in
northern Indiana wrote to a firm in the east ordering a carload of
buggies. The firm wired him:

"Cannot ship buggies until you pay for your last consignment."

"Unable to wait so long," wired back the buggy dealer, "cancel order."


   The saddest words of tongue or pen
   May be perhaps, "It might have been,"
   The sweetest words we know, by heck,
   Are only these "Enclosed find check!"

  --_Minne-Ha-Ha_.




COLLECTORS AND COLLECTING


Sir Walter Raleigh had called to take a cup of tea with Queen Elizabeth.

"It was very good of you, Sir Walter," said her Majesty, smiling sweetly
upon the gallant Knight, "to ruin your cloak the other day so that my
feet should not be wet by that horrid puddle. May I not instruct my Lord
High Treasurer to reimburse you for it?"

"Don't mention it, your Majesty," replied Raleigh. "It only cost two and
six, and I have already sold it to an American collector for eight
thousand pounds."




COLLEGE GRADUATES


"Can't I take your order for one of our encyclopedias!" asked the dapper
agent.

"No I guess not," said the busy man. "I might be able to use it a few
times, but my son will be home from college in June."




COLLEGE STUDENTS


"Say, dad, remember that story you told me about when you were expelled
from college?"

"Yes."

"Well, I was just thinking, dad, how true it is that history repeats
itself."


WANTED: Burly beauty-proof individual to read meters in sorority houses.
We haven't made a nickel in two years. The Gas Co.--_Michigan
Gargoyle_.


FRESHMAN--"I have a sliver in my finger."

SOP--"Been scratching your head?"


STUDE--"Do you smoke, professor?"

PROF.--"Why, yes, I'm very fond of a good cigar."

STUDE--"Do you drink, sir?"

PROF.--"Yes, indeed, I enjoy nothing better than a bottle of wine."

STUDE--"Gee, it's going to cost me something to pass this
course."--_Cornell Widow_.


Three boys from Yale, Princeton and Harvard were in a room when a lady
entered. The Yale boy asked languidly if some fellow ought not to give a
chair to the lady; the Princeton boy slowly brought one, and the Harvard
boy deliberately sat down in it.--_Life_.


A college professor was one day nearing the close of a history lecture
and was indulging in one of those rhetorical climaxes in which he
delighted when the hour struck. The students immediately began to slam
down the movable arms of their lecture chairs and to prepare to leave.

The professor, annoyed at the interruption of his flow of eloquence,
held up his hand:

"Wait just one minute, gentlemen. I have a few more pearls to cast."


When Rutherford B. Hayes was a student at college it was his custom to
take a walk before breakfast.

One morning two of his student friends went with him. After walking a
short distance they met an old man with a long white beard. Thinking
that they would have a little fun at the old man's expense, the first
one bowed to him very gracefully and said: "Good morning, Father
Abraham."

The next one made a low bow and said: "Good morning, Father Isaac."

Young Hayes then made his bow and said: "Good morning Father Jacob."

The old man looked at them a moment and then said: "Young men, I am
neither Abraham, Isaac nor Jacob. I am Saul, the son of Kish, and I am
out looking for my father's asses, and lo, I have found them."


A western college boy amused himself by writing stories and giving them
to papers for nothing. His father objected and wrote to the boy that he
was wasting his time. In answer the college lad wrote:

"So, dad, you think I am wasting my time in writing for the local papers
and cite Johnson's saying that the man who writes, except for money, is
a fool. I shall act upon Doctor Johnson's suggestion and write for
money. Send me fifty dollars."


The president of an eastern university had just announced in chapel that
the freshman class was the largest enrolled in the history of the
institution. Immediately he followed the announcement by reading the
text for the morning: "Lord, how are they increased that trouble me!"


STUDE.--"Is it possible to confide a secret to you?"

FRIEND--"Certainly. I will be as silent as the grave."

STUDE--"Well, then, I have a pressing need for two bucks."

FRIEND--"Do not worry. It is as if I had heard nothing." --_-Michigan
Gargoyle_.


"Why did you come to college, anyway? You are not studying," said the
Professor.

"Well," said Willie, "I don't know exactly myself. Mother says it is to
fit me for the Presidency; Uncle Bill, to sow my wild oats; Sis, to get
a chum for her to marry, and Pa, to bankrupt the family."


A young Irishman at college in want of twenty-five dollars wrote to his
uncle as follows:

    "Dear Uncle.--If you could see how I blush for shame while I
    am writing, you would pity me. Do you know why? Because I have
    to ask you for a few dollars, and do not know how to express
    myself. It is impossible for me to tell you. I prefer to die.
    I send you this by messenger, who will wait for an answer.
    Believe me, my dearest uncle, your most obedient and
    affectionate nephew.

    "P.S.--Overcome with shame for what I have written, I have
    been running after the messenger in order to take the letter
    from him, but I cannot catch him. Heaven grant that something
    may happen to stop him, or that this letter may get lost."

The uncle was naturally touched, but was equal to the emergency. He
replied as follows:

    "My Dear Jack--Console yourself and blush no more. Providence
    has heard your prayers. The messenger lost your letter. Your
    affectionate uncle."


The professor was delivering the final lecture of the term. He dwelt
with much emphasis on the fact that each student should devote all the
intervening time preparing for the final examinations.

"The examination papers are now in the hands of the printer. Are there
any questions to be asked?"

Silence prevailed. Suddenly a voice from the rear inquired:

"Who's the printer?"


It was Commencement Day at a well-known woman's college, and the father
of one of the young women came to attend the graduation exercises. He
was presented to the president, who said, "I congratulate you, sir, upon
your extremely large and affectionate family."

"Large and affectionate?" he stammered and looking very much surprised.

"Yes, indeed," said the president. "No less than twelve of your
daughter's brothers have called frequently during the winter to take her
driving and sleighing, while your eldest son escorted her to the theater
at least twice a week. Unusually nice brothers they are."


The world's great men have not commonly been great scholars, nor its
great scholars great men.--_O.W. Holmes_.


_See also_ Harvard university; Scholarship.




COLLEGES AND UNIVERSITIES


  The college is a coy maid--
    She has a habit quaint
  Of making eyes at millionaires
    And winking at the taint.

  --_Judge_.


"What is a 'faculty'?"

"A 'faculty' is a body of men surrounded by red tape."--_Cornell Widow_.


Yale University is to have a ton of fossils. Whether for the faculty or
for the museums is not announced.--_The Atlanta Journal_.


FIRST TRUSTEE--"But this ancient institution of learning will fail
unless something is done."

SECOND TRUSTEE--"True; but what can we do? We have already raised the
tuition until it is almost 1 per cent of the fraternity fees."--_Puck_.


The president of the university had dark circles under his eyes. His
cheek was pallid; his lips were trembling; he wore a hunted expression.

"You look ill," said his wife. "What is wrong, dear?"

"Nothing much," he replied. "But--I--I had a fearful dream last night,
and I feel this morning as if I--as if I--" It was evident that his
nervous system was shattered.

"What was the dream?" asked his wife.

"I--I--dreamed the trustees required that--that I should--that I should
pass the freshman examination for--admission!" sighed the president.




COMMON SENSE


A mysterious building had been erected on the outskirts of a small town.
It was shrouded in mystery. All that was known about it was that it was
a chemical laboratory. An old farmer, driving past the place after work
had been started, and seeing a man in the doorway, called to him:

"What be ye doin' in this place?"

"We are searching for a universal solvent--something that will dissolve
all things," said the chemist.

"What good will thet be?"

"Imagine, sir! It will dissolve all things. If we want a solution of
iron, glass, gold--anything, all that we have to do is to drop it in
this solution."

"Fine," said the farmer, "fine! What be ye goin' to keep it in?"




COMMUTERS


BRIGGS--"Is it true that you have broken off your engagement to that
girl who lives in the suburbs?"

GRIGGS--"Yes; they raised the commutation rates on me and I have
transferred to a town girl."


"I see you carrying home a new kind of breakfast food," remarked the
first commuter.

"Yes," said the second commuter, "I was missing too many trains. The old
brand required three seconds to prepare. You can fix this new brand in a
second and a half."


After the sermon on Sunday morning the rector welcomed and shook hands
with a young German.

"And are you a regular communicant?" said the rector. "Yes," said the
German: "I take the 7:45 every morning."--_M.L. Hayward_.


A suburban train was slowly working its way through one of the blizzards
of 1894. Finally it came to a dead stop and all efforts to start it
again were futile.

In the wee, small hours of the morning a weary commuter, numb from the
cold and the cramped position in which he had tried to sleep, crawled
out of the train and floundered through the heavy snow-drifts to the
nearest telegraph station. This is the message he handed to the
operator:

"Will not be at office to-day. Not home yesterday yet."


A nervous commuter on his dark, lonely way home from the railroad
station heard footsteps behind him. He had an uncomfortable feeling that
he was being followed. He increased his speed. The footsteps quickened
accordingly. The commuter darted down a lane. The footsteps still
pursued him. In desperation he vaulted over a fence and, rushing into a
churchyard, threw himself panting on one of the graves.

"If he follows me here," he thought fearfully, "there can be no doubt as
to his intentions."

The man behind was following. He could hear him scrambling over the
fence. Visions of highwaymen, maniacs, garroters and the like flashed
through his brain. Quivering with fear, the nervous one arose and faced
his pursuer.

"What do you want?" he demanded. "Wh-why are you following me?"

"Say," asked the stranger, mopping his brow, "do you always go home like
this? I'm going up to Mr. Brown's and the man at the station told me to
follow you, as you lived next door. Excuse my asking you, but is there
much more to do before we get there?"




COMPARISONS


A milliner endeavored to sell to a colored woman one of the last
season's hats at a very moderate price. It was a big white picture-hat.

"Law, no, honey!" exclaimed the woman. "I could nevah wear that. I'd
look jes' like a blueberry in a pan of milk."


A well-known author tells of an English spinster who said, as she
watched a great actress writhing about the floor as Cleopatra:

"How different from the home life of our late dear queen!"


"Darling," whispered the ardent suitor, "I lay my fortune at your feet."

"Your fortune?" she replied in surprise. "I didn't know you had one."

"Well, it isn't much of a fortune, but it will look large besides those
tiny feet."


"Girls make me tired," said the fresh young man. "They are always going
to palmists to have their hands read."

"Indeed!" said she sweetly; "is that any worse than men going into
saloons to get their noses red?"


A friend once wrote Mark Twain a letter saying that he was in very bad
health, and concluding: "Is there anything worse than having toothache
and earache at the same time?"

The humorist wrote back: "Yes, rheumatism and Saint Vitus's dance."


The Rev. Dr. William Emerson, of Boston, son of Ralph Waldo Emerson,
recently made a trip through the South, and one Sunday attended a
meeting in a colored church. The preacher was a white man, however, a
white man whose first name was George, and evidently a prime favorite
with the colored brethren. When the service was over Dr. Emerson walked
home behind two members of the congregation, and overheard this
conversation: "Massa George am a mos' pow'ful preacher." "He am dat."
"He's mos's pow'ful as Abraham Lincoln." "Huh! He's mo' pow'ful dan
Lincoln." "He's mos' 's pow'ful as George Washin'ton." "Huh! He's mo'
pow'ful dan Washin'ton." "Massa George ain't quite as pow'ful as God."
"N-n-o, not quite. But he's a young man yet."


Is it possible your pragmatical worship should not know that the
comparisons made between wit and wit, courage and courage, beauty and
beauty, birth and birth, are always odious and ill taken?--_Cervantes_.




COMPENSATION


"Speakin' of de law of compensation," said Uncle Eben, "an automobile
goes faster dan a mule, but at de same time it hits harder and balks
longer."




COMPETITION


A new baby arrived at a house. A little girl--now fifteen--had been the
pet of the family. Every one made much of her, but when there was a new
baby she felt rather neglected.

"How are you, Mary?" a visitor asked of her one afternoon.

"Oh, I'm all right," she said, "except that I think there is too much
competition in this world."


A farmer during a long-continued drought invented a machine for watering
his fields. The very first day while he was trying it there suddenly
came a downpour of rain. He put away his machine.

"It's no use," he said; "you can do nothing nowadays without
competition."




COMPLIMENTS


Supper was in progress, and the father was telling about a row which
took place in front of his store that morning: "The first thing I saw
was one man deal the other a sounding blow, and then a crowd gathered.
The man who was struck ran and grabbed a large shovel he had been using
on the street, and rushed back, his eyes blazing fiercely. I thought
he'd surely knock the other man's brains out, and I stepped right in
between them."

The young son of the family had become so hugely interested in the
narrative as it proceeded that he had stopped eating his pudding. So
proud was he of his father's valor, his eyes fairly shone, and he cried:

"He couldn't knock any brains out of you, could he, Father?"

Father looked at him long and earnestly, but the lad's countenance was
frank and open.

Father gasped slightly, and resumed his supper.


_See also_ Tact.




COMPOSERS


Recipe for the musical comedy composer:

  Librettos of all of the operas,
    Some shears and a bottle of paste,
  Curry the hits of last season,
    Add tumpty-tee tra la to taste.

  --_Life_.




COMPROMISES


Boss--"There's $10 gone from my cash drawer, Johnny; you and I were the
only people who had keys to that drawer."

Office Boy--"Well, s'pose we each pay $5 and say no more about it."




CONFESSIONS


"You say Garston made a complete confession? What did he get--five
years?"

"No, fifty dollars. He confessed to the magazines."--_Puck_.


Little Ethel had been brought up with a firm hand and was always taught
to report misdeeds promptly. One afternoon she came sobbing penitently
to her mother.

"Mother, I--I broke a brick in the fireplace."

"Well, it might be worse. But how on earth did you do it, Ethel?"

"I pounded it with your watch."


"Confession is good for the soul."

"Yes, but it's bad for the reputation."




CONGRESS


Congress is a national inquisitorial body for the purpose of acquiring
valuable information and then doing nothing about it.--_Life_.


"Judging from the stuff printed in the newspapers," says a congressman,
"we are a pretty bad lot. Almost in the class a certain miss whom I know
unconsciously puts us in. It was at a recent examination at her school
that the question was put, 'Who makes the laws of our government?'

"'Congress,' was the united reply.

"'How is Congress divided?' was the next query.

"My young friend raised her hand.

"'Well,' said the teacher, 'what do you say the answer is?'

"Instantly, with an air of confidence as well as triumph, the Miss
replied, 'Civilized, half civilized, and savage.'"




CONGRESSMEN

It was at a banquet in Washington given to a large body of congressmen,
mostly from the rural districts. The tables were elegant, and it was a
scene of fairy splendor; but on one table there were no decorations but
palm leaves.

"Here," said a congressman to the head waiter, "why don't you put them
things on our table too?" pointing to the plants.

The head waiter didn't know he was a congressman.

"We cain't do it, boss," he whispered confidentially; "dey's mostly
congressmen at 'dis table, an' if we put pa'ms on de table dey take um
for celery an' eat um all up sho. 'Deed dey would, boss. We knows 'em."


Representative X, from North Carolina, was one night awakened by his
wife, who whispered, "John, John, get up! There are robbers in the
house."

"Robbers?" he said. "There may be robbers in the Senate, Mary; but not
in the House! It's preposterous!"--_John N. Cole, Jr_.


Champ Clark loves to tell of how in the heat of a debate Congressman
Johnson of Indiana called an Illinois representative a jackass. The
expression was unparliamentary, and in retraction Johnson said:

"While I withdraw the unfortunate word, Mr. Speaker, I must insist that
the gentleman from Illinois is out of order."

"How am I out of order?" yelled the man from Illinois.

"Probably a veterinary surgeon could tell you," answered Johnson, and
that was parliamentary enough to stay on the record.


A Georgia Congressman had put up at an American-plan hotel in New York.
When, upon sitting down at dinner the first evening of his stay, the
waiter obsequiously handed him a bill of fare, the Congressman tossed it
aside, slipped the waiter a dollar bill, and said, "Bring me a good
dinner."

The dinner proving satisfactory, the Southern member pursued this plan
during his entire stay in New York. As the last tip was given, he
mentioned that he was about to return to Washington.

Whereupon, the waiter, with an expression of great earnestness, said:

"Well, sir, when you or any of your friends that can't read come to New
York, just ask for Dick."




CONSCIENCE


The moral of this story may be that it is better to heed the warnings of
the "still small voice" before it is driven to the use of the telephone.

A New York lawyer, gazing idly out of his window, saw a sight in an
office across the street that made him rub his eyes and look again. Yes,
there was no doubt about it. The pretty stenographer was sitting upon
the gentleman's lap. The lawyer noticed the name that was lettered on
the window and then searched in the telephone book. Still keeping his
eye upon the scene across the street, he called the gentleman up. In a
few moments he saw him start violently and take down the receiver.

"Yes," said the lawyer through the telephone, "I should think you would
start."

The victim whisked his arm from its former position and began to stammer
something.

"Yes," continued the lawyer severely, "I think you'd better take that
arm away. And while you're about it, as long as there seems to be plenty
of chairs in the room--"

The victim brushed the lady from his lap, rather roughly, it is to be
feared. "Who--who the devil is this, anyhow?" he managed to splutter.

"I," answered the lawyer in deep, impressive tones, "am your
conscience!"


  A quiet conscience makes one so serene!
  Christians have burnt each other, quite persuaded
  That all the Apostles would have done as they did.

  --_Byron_.


  Oh, Conscience! Conscience! man's most faithful friend,
    Him canst thou comfort, ease, relieve, defend;
  But if he will thy friendly checks forego,
    Thou art, oh! woe for me his deadliest foe!

  --_Crabbe_.




CONSEQUENCES


A teacher asked her class in spelling to state the difference between
the words "results" and "consequences."

A bright girl replied, "Results are what you expect, and consequences
are what you get."


Consequences are unpitying. Our deeds carry their terrible consequences,
quite apart from any fluctuations that went before--consequences that
are hardly ever confined to ourselves.--_George Eliot_.




CONSIDERATION


The goose had been carved at the Christmas dinner and everybody had
tasted it. It was excellent. The negro minister, who was the guest of
honor, could not restrain his enthusiasm.

"Dat's as fine a goose as I evah see, Bruddah Williams," he said to his
host. "Whar did you git such a fine goose?"

"Well, now, Pahson," replied the carver of the goose, exhibiting great
dignity and reticence, "when you preaches a speshul good sermon I never
axes you whar you got it. I hopes you will show me de same
considerashion."


A clergyman, who was summoned in haste by a woman who had been taken
suddenly ill, answered the call though somewhat puzzled by it, for he
knew that she was not of his parish, and was, moreover, known to be a
devoted worker in another church. While he was waiting to be shown to
the sick-room he fell to talking to the little girl of the house.

"It is very gratifying to know that your mother thought of me in her
illness," said he, "Is your minister out of town?"

"Oh, no," answered the child, in a matter-of-fact tone. "He's home; only
we thought it might be something contagious, and we didn't want to take
any risks."




CONSTANCY


A soldier belonging to a brigade in command of a General who believed in
a celibate army asked permission to marry, as he had two good-conduct
badges and money in the savings-bank.

"Well, go-away," said the General, "and if you come back to me a year
from today in the same frame of mind you shall marry. I'll keep the
vacancy."

On the anniversary the soldier repeated his request.

"But do you really, after a year, want to marry?" inquired the General
in a surprised tone.

"Yes, sir; very much."

"Sergeant-Major, take his name down. Yes, you may marry. I never
believed there was so much constancy in man or woman. Right face; quick
march!"

As the man left the room, turning his head, he said, "Thank you, sir;
but it isn't the same woman."




CONTRIBUTION BOX


  The parson looks it o'er and frets.
    It puts him out of sorts
  To see how many times he gets
    A penny for his thoughts.

  --_J.J. O'Connell_.


There were introductions all around. The big man stared in a puzzled way
at the club guest. "You look like a man I've seen somewhere, Mr.
Blinker," he said. "Your face seems familiar. I fancy you have a double.
And a funny thing about it is that I remember I formed a strong
prejudice against the man who looks like you--although, I'm quite sure,
we never met."

The little guest softly laughed. "I'm the man," he answered, "and I know
why you formed the prejudice. I passed the contribution plate for two
years in the church you attended."


The collections had fallen off badly in the colored church and the
pastor made a short address before the box was passed.

"I don' want any man to gib mo' dan his share, bredern," he said gently,
"but we mus' all gib ercordin' to what we rightly hab. I say 'rightly
hab," bredern, because we don't want no tainted money in dis box.
'Squire Jones tol' me dat he done miss some chickens dis week. Now if
any of our bredern hab fallen by de wayside in connection wif dose
chickens let him stay his hand from de box.

"Now, Deacon Smiff, please pass de box while I watch de signs an' see if
dere's any one in dis congregation dat needs me ter wrastle in prayer
fer him."


A newly appointed Scotch minister on his first Sunday of office had
reason to complain of the poorness of the collection. "Mon," replied one
of the elders, "they are close--vera close."

"But," confidentially, "the auld meenister he put three or four
saxpenses into the plate hissel', just to gie them a start. Of course he
took the saxpenses awa' with him afterward." The new minister tried the
same plan, but the next Sunday he again had to report a dismal failure.
The total collection was not only small, but he was grieved to find that
his own sixpences were missing. "Ye may be a better preacher than the
auld meenister," exclaimed the elder, "but if ye had half the knowledge
o' the world, an' o' yer ain flock in particular, ye'd ha' done what he
did an' glued the saxpenses to the plate."


POLICE COMMISSIONER--"If you were ordered to disperse a mob, what would
you do?"

APPLICANT--"Pass around the hat, sir."

POLICE COMMISSIONER--"That'll do; you're engaged."


"I advertized that the poor were made welcome in this church," said the
vicar to his congregation, "and as the offertory amounts to ninety-five
cents, I see that they have come."


_See also_ Salvation.




CONUNDRUMS


"Mose, what is the difference between a bucket of milk in a rain storm
and a conversation between two confidence men?"

"Say, boss, dat nut am too hard to crack; I'se gwine to give it up."

"Well, Mose, one is a thinning scheme and the other is a skinning
theme."




CONVERSATION


"My dog understands every word I say."

"Um."

"Do you doubt it?"

"No, I do not doubt the brute's intelligence. The scant attention he
bestows upon your conversation would indicate that he understands it
perfectly."


THE TALL AND AGGRESSIVE ONE--"Excuse me, but I'm in a hurry! You've had
that phone twenty minutes and not said a word!"

THE SHORT AND MEEK ONE--"Sir, I'm talking to my wife."--_Puck_.


HUS (during a quarrel)--"You talk like an idiot."

WIFE--"I've got to talk so you can understand me."


Irving Bacheller, it appears, was on a tramping tour through New
England. He discovered a chin-bearded patriarch on a roadside rock.

"Fine corn," said Mr. Bacheller, tentatively, using a hillside filled
with straggling stalks as a means of breaking the conversational ice.

"Best in Massachusetts," said the sitter.

"How do you plow that field?" asked Mr. Bacheller. "It is so very
steep."

"Don't plow it," said the sitter. "When the spring thaws come, the rocks
rolling down hill tear it up so that we can plant corn."

"And how do you plant it?" asked Mr. Bacheller. The sitter said that he
didn't plant it, really. He stood in his back door and shot the seed in
with a shotgun.

"Is that the truth?" asked Bacheller.

"H--ll no," said the sitter, disgusted. "That's conversation."


Conversation is the laboratory and workshop of the student.--_Emerson_.


A single conversation across the table with a wise man is better than
ten years' study of books.--_Longfellow_.




COOKERY


"John, John," whispered an alarmed wife, poking her sleeping husband in
the ribs. "Wake up, John; there are burglars in the pantry and they're
eating all my pies."

"Well, what do we care," mumbled John, rolling over, "so long as they
don't die in the house?"


"This is certainly a modern cook-book in every way."

"How so?"

"It says: 'After mixing your bread, you can watch two reels at the
movies before putting it in the oven.'"--_Puck_.


There was recently presented to a newly-married young woman in Baltimore
such a unique domestic proposition that she felt called upon to seek
expert advice from another woman, whom she knew to possess considerable
experience in the cooking line.

"Mrs. Jones," said the first mentioned young woman, as she breathlessly
entered the apartment of the latter, "I'm sorry to trouble you, but I
must have your advice."

"What is the trouble, my dear?"

"Why, I've just had a 'phone message from Harry, saying that he is going
out this afternoon to shoot clay pigeons. Now, he's bound to bring a lot
home, and I haven't the remotest idea how to cook them. Won't you please
tell me?"--_Taylor Edwards_.


Heaven sends us good meat, but the devil sends us cooks.--_David
Garrick_.




COOKS


_See_ Servants.




CORNETS


Spurgeon was once asked if the man who learned to play a cornet on
Sunday would go to heaven.

The great preacher's reply was characteristic. Said he: "I don't see why
he should not, but"--after a pause--"I doubt whether the man next door
will."




CORNS


Great aches from little toe-corns grow.




CORPULENCE


The wife of a prominent Judge was making arrangements with the colored
laundress of the village to take charge of their washing for the summer.
Now, the Judge was pompous and extremely fat. He tipped the scales at
some three hundred pounds.

"Missus," said the woman, "I'll do your washing, but I'se gwine ter
charge you double for your husband's shirts."

"Why, what is your reason for that Nancy," questioned the mistress.

"Well," said the laundress, "I don't mind washing fur an ordinary man,
but I draws de line on circus tents, I sho' do."


An employee of a rolling mill was on his vacation when he fell in love
with a handsome German girl. Upon his return to the works, he went to
Mr. Carnegie and announced that as he wanted to get married he would
like a little further time off. Mr. Carnegie appeared much interested.
"Tell me about her," he said. "Is she short or is she tall, slender,
willowy?"

"Well, Mr. Carnegie," was the answer, "all I can say is that if I'd had
the rolling of her, I should have given her two or three more passes."


A very stout old lady, bustling through the park on a sweltering hot
day, became aware that she was being closely followed by a rough-looking
tramp.

"What do you mean by following me in this manner?" she indignantly
demanded. The tramp slunk back a little. But when the stout lady resumed
her walk he again took up his position directly behind her.

"See here," she exclaimed, wheeling angrily, "if you don't go away at
once I shall call a policeman!"

The unfortunate man looked up at her appealingly.

"For Heaven's sake, kind lady, have mercy an' don't call a policeman;
ye're the only shady spot in the whole park."


A jolly steamboat captain with more girth than height was asked if he
had ever had any very narrow escapes.

"Yes," he replied, his eyes twinkling; "once I fell off my boat at the
mouth of Bear Creek, and, although I'm an expert swimmer, I guess I'd be
there now if it hadn't been for my crew. You see the water was just deep
enough so's to be over my head when I tried to wade out, and just
shallow enough"--he gave his body an explanatory pat--"so that whenever
I tried to swim out I dragged bottom."


A very large lady entered a street car and a young man near the door
rose and said: "I will be one of three to give the lady a seat."


To our Fat Friends: May their shadows never grow less.


_See also_ Dancing.




COSMOPOLITANISM


Secretary of State Lazansky refused to incorporate the Hell Cafe of New
York.

"New York's cafes are singular enough," said Mr. Lazansky, "without the
addition of such a queerly named institution as the Hell."

He smiled and added:

"Is there anything quite so queerly cosmopolitan as a New York cafe? In
the last one I visited, I saw a Portuguese, a German and an Italian,
dressed in English clothes and seated at a table of Spanish walnut,
lunching on Russian caviar, French rolls, Scotch salmon, Welsh rabbit,
Swiss cheese, Dutch cake and Malaga raisins. They drank China tea and
Irish whisky."




COST OF LIVING


"Did you punish our son for throwing a lump of coal at Willie Smiggs?"
asked the careful mother.

"I did," replied the busy father. "I don't care so much for the Smiggs
boy, but I can't have anybody in this family throwing coal around like
that."


"Live within your income," was a maxim uttered by Mr. Carnegie on his
seventy-sixth birthday. This is easy; the difficulty is to live without
it.--_Satire_.


"You say your jewels were stolen while the family was at dinner?"

"No, no! This is an important robbery. Our dinner was stolen while we
were putting on our jewels."


A grouchy butcher, who had watched the price of porterhouse steak climb
the ladder of fame, was deep in the throes of an unusually bad grouch
when a would-be customer, eight years old, approached him and handed him
a penny.

"Please, mister, I want a cent's worth of sausage."

Turning on the youngster with a growl, he let forth this burst of good
salesmanship:

"Go smell o' the hook!"


TOM--"My pa is very religious. He always bows his head and says
something before meals."

DICK--"Mine always says something when he sits down to eat, but he don't
bow his head."

TOM--"What does he say?"

DICK--"Go easy on the butter, kids, it's forty cents a pound."




COUNTRY LIFE


BILTER (at servants' agency)--"Have you got a cook who will go to the
country?"

MANAGER (calling out to girls in next room)--"Is there any one here who
would like to spend a day in the country?"--_Life_.


VISITOR--"You have a fine road leading from the station."

SUBUBS--"That's the path worn by servant-girls."


_See also_ Commuters; Servants.




COURAGE


AUNT ETHEL--"Well, Beatrice, were you very brave at the dentist's?"

BEATRICE--"Yes, auntie, I was."

AUNT ETHEL--"Then, there's the half crown I promised you. And now tell
me what he did to you."

BEATRICE--"He pulled out two of Willie's teeth!"--_Punch_.


He was the small son of a bishop, and his mother was teaching him the
meaning of courage.

"Supposing," she said, "there were twelve boys in one bedroom, and
eleven got into bed at once, while the other knelt down to say his
prayers, that boy would show true courage."

"Oh!" said the young hopeful. "I know something that would be more
courageous than that! Supposing there were twelve bishops in one
bedroom, and one got into bed without saying his prayers!"


  Courage, the highest gift, that scorns to bend
  To mean devices for a sordid end.
  Courage--an independent spark from Heaven's bright throne,
  By which the soul stands raised, triumphant, high, alone.
  Great in itself, not praises of the crowd,
  Above all vice, it stoops not to be proud.
  Courage, the mighty attribute of powers above,
  By which those great in war, are great in love.
  The spring of all brave acts is seated here,
  As falsehoods draw their sordid birth from fear.

  --_Farquhar_.




COURTESY


The mayor of a French town had, in accordance with the regulations, to
make out a passport for a rich and highly respectable lady of his
acquaintance, who, in spite of a slight disfigurement, was very vain of
her personal appearance. His native politeness prompted him to gloss
over the defect, and, after a moment's reflection, he wrote among the
items of personal description: "Eyes dark, beautiful, tender,
expressive, but one of them missing."


Mrs. Taft, at a diplomatic dinner, had for a neighbor a distinguished
French traveler who boasted a little unduly of his nation's politeness.

"We French," the traveler declared, "are the politest people in the
world. Every one acknowledges it. You Americans are a remarkable nation,
but the French excel you in politeness. You admit it yourself, don't
you?"

Mrs. Taft smiled delicately.

"Yes," she said. "That is our politeness."


Justice Moody was once riding on the platform of a Boston street car
standing next to the gate that protected passengers from cars coming on
the other track. A Boston lady came to the door of the car and, as it
stopped, started toward the gate, which was hidden from her by the man
standing before it.

"Other side, lady," said the conductor.

He was ignored as only a born-and-bred Bostonian can ignore a man. The
lady took another step toward the gate.

"You must get off the other side," said the conductor.

"I wish to get off on this side," came the answer, in tones that
congealed that official. Before he could explain or expostulate Mr.
Moody came to his assistance.

"Stand to one side, gentlemen," he remarked quietly. "The lady wishes to
climb over the gate."




COURTS


One day when old Thaddeus Stevens was practicing in the courts he didn't
like the ruling of the presiding Judge. A second time when the Judge
ruled against "old Thad," the old man got up with scarlet face and
quivering lips and commenced tying up his papers as if to quit the
courtroom.

"Do I understand, Mr. Stevens," asked the Judge, eying "old Thad"
indignantly, "that you wish to show your contempt for this court?"

"No, sir; no, sir," replied "old Thad." "I don't want to show my
contempt, sir; I'm trying to conceal it."


"It's all right to fine me, Judge," laughed Barrowdale, after the
proceedings were over, "but just the same you were ahead of me in your
car, and if I was guilty you were too."

"Ya'as, I know," said the judge with a chuckle, "I found myself guilty
and hev jest paid my fine into the treasury same ez you."

"Bully for you!" said Barrowdale. "By the way, do you put these fines
back into the roads?"

"No," said the judge. "They go to the trial jestice in loo o' sal'ry."


A stranger came into an Augusta bank the other day and presented a check
for which he wanted the equivalent in cash.

"Have to be identified," said the clerk.

The stranger took a bunch of letters from his pocket all addressed to
the same name as that on the check.

The clerk shook his head.

The man thought a minute and pulled out his watch, which bore the name
on its inside cover.

Clerk hardly glanced at it.

The man dug into his pockets and found one of those
"If-I-should-die-tonight-please-notify-my-wife" cards, and called the
clerk's attention to the description, which fitted to a T.

But the clerk was still obdurate.

"Those things don't prove anything," he said. "We've got to have the
word of a man that we know."

"But, man, I've given you an identification that would convict me of
murder in any court in the land."

"That's probably very true," responded the clerk, patiently, "but in
matters connected with the bank we have to be more careful."


_See also_ Jury; Witnesses.




COURTSHIP


"Do you think a woman believes you when you tell her she is the first
girl you ever loved?"

"Yes, if you're the first liar she has ever met."


     Augustus Fitzgibbons Moran
     Fell in love with Maria McCann.
       With a yell and a whoop
       He cleared the front stoop
     Just ahead of her papa's brogan.


SPOONLEIGH--"Does your sister always look under the bed?"

HER LITTLE BROTHER--"Yes, and when you come to see her she always looks
under the sofa."--_J.J. O'Connell_.


   There was a young man from the West,
   Who loved a young lady with zest;
     So hard did he press her
     To make her say, "Yes, sir,"
   That he broke three cigars in his vest.


"I hope your father does not object to my staying so late," said Mr.
Stayput as the clock struck twelve.

"Oh, dear, no," replied Miss Dabbs, with difficulty suppressing a yawn,
"He says you save him the expense of a night-watchman."


  There was an old monk of Siberia,
  Whose existence grew drearier and drearier;
     He burst from his cell
     With a hell of a yell,
   And eloped with the Mother Superior.


It was scarcely half-past nine when the rather fierce-looking father of
the girl entered the parlor where the timid lover was courting her. The
father had his watch in his hand.

"Young man," he said brusquely, "do you know what time it is?"

"Y-y-yes sir," stuttered the frightened lover, as he scrambled out into
the hall; "I--I was just going to leave!"

After the beau had made a rapid exit, the father turned to the girl and
said in astonishment:

"What was the matter with that fellow? My watch has run down, and I
simply wanted to know the time."


"What were you and Mr. Smith talking about in the parlor?" asked her
mother. "Oh, we were discussing our kith and kin," replied the young
lady.

The mother look dubiously at her daughter, whereupon her little brother,
wishing to help his sister, said:

"Yeth they wath, Mother. I heard 'em. Mr. Thmith asked her for a kith
and she thaid, 'You kin.'"


During a discussion of the fitness of things in general some one asked:
"If a young man takes his best girl to the grand opera, spends $8 on a
supper after the performance, and then takes her home in a taxicab,
should he kiss her goodnight?"

An old bachelor who was present growled: "I don't think she ought to
expect it. Seems to me he has done enough for her."


A young woman who was about to wed decided at the last moment to test
her sweetheart. So, selecting the prettiest girl she knew, she said to
her, though she knew it was a great risk.

"I'll arrange for Jack to take you out tonight--a walk on the beach in
the moonlight, a lobster supper and all that sort of thing--and I want
you, in order to put his fidelity to the proof, to ask him for a kiss."

The other girl laughed, blushed and assented. The dangerous plot was
carried out. Then the next day the girl in love visited the pretty one
and said anxiously:

"Well, did you ask him?"

"No, dear."

"No? Why not?"

"I didn't get a chance. He asked me first."


Uncle Nehemiah, the proprietor of a ramshackle little hotel in Mobile,
was aghast at finding a newly arrived guest with his arm around his
daughter's waist.

"Mandy, tell that niggah to take his arm from around yo' wais'," he
indignantly commanded.

"Tell him you'self," said Amanda. "He's a puffect stranger to me."


"Jack and I have parted forever."

"Good gracious! What does that mean?"

"Means that I'll get a five-pound box of candy in about an hour."


  Here's to solitaire with a partner,
  The only game in which one pair beats three of a kind.


_See also_ Love; Proposals.




COWARDS


Mrs. Hicks was telling some ladies about the burglar scare in her house
the night before.

"Yes," she said, "I heard a noise and got up, and there, from under the
bed, I saw a man's legs sticking out."

"Mercy!" exclaimed a woman. "The burglar's legs?"

"No, my dear; my husband's legs. He heard the noise, too."


MRS. PECK--"Henry, what would you do if burglars broke into our house
some night?"

MR. PECK (_valiantly_)--"Humph! I should keep perfectly cool, my dear."

And when, a few nights later, burglars _did_ break in, Henry kept his
promise: he hid in the ice-box.


Johnny hasn't been to school long, but he already holds some peculiar
views regarding the administration of his particular room.

The other day he came home with a singularly morose look on his usually
smiling face.

"Why, Johnny," said his mother, "what's the matter?"

"I ain't going to that old school no more," he fiercely announced.

"Why, Johnny," said his mother reproachfully, "you mustn't talk like
that. What's wrong with the school?"

"I ain't goin' there no more," Johnny replied; "an" it's because all th'
boys in my room is blamed old cowards!"

"Why, Johnny, Johnny!"

"Yes, they are. There was a boy whisperin' this mornin', an' teacher saw
him an' bumped his head on th' desk ever an' ever so many times. An'
those big cowards sat there an' didn't say quit nor nothin'. They let
that old teacher bang th' head off th' poor little boy, an' they just
sat there an' seen her do it!"

"And what did you do, Johnny?"

"I didn't do nothin'--I was the boy!"--_Cleveland Plain Dealer_.


A negro came running down the lane as though the Old Boy were after him.

"What are you running for, Mose?" called the colonel from the barn.

"I ain't a-runnin' fo'," shouted back Mose. "I'se a-runnin' from!"




COWS


Little Willie, being a city boy, had never seen a cow. While on a visit
to his grandmother he walked out across the fields with his cousin John.
A cow was grazing there, and Willie's curiosity was greatly excited.

"Oh, Cousin John, what is that?" he asked.

"Why, that is only a cow," John replied.

"And what are those things on her head?"

"Horns," answered John.

Before they had gone far the cow mooed long and loud.

Willie was astounded. Looking back, he demanded, in a very fever of
interest:

"Which horn did she blow?"


   There was an old man who said, "How
   Shall I flee from this horrible cow?
     I will sit on this stile
     And continue to smile,
   Which may soften the heart of that cow."




CRITICISM


FIRST MUSIC CRITIC--"I wasted a whole evening by going to that new
pianist's concert last night!"

SECOND MUSIC CRITIC--"Why?"

FIRST MUSIC CRITIC--"His playing was above criticism!"


                               As soon
   Seek roses in December--ice in June,
   Hope, constancy in wind, or corn in chaff;
   Believe a woman or an epitaph,
   Or any other thing that's false, before
   You trust in critics.

  --_Byron_.


It is much easier to be critical than to be correct.--_Disraeli_.


_See also_ Dramatic criticism.




CRUELTY


"Why do you beat your little son? It was the cat that upset the vase of
flowers."

"I can't beat the cat. I belong to the S.P.C.A."




CUCUMBERS


Consider the ways of the little green cucumber, which never does its
best fighting till it's down.--Stanford Chaparral.




CULTURE


_See_ Kultur.




CURFEW


A former resident of Marshall, Mo., was asking about the old town.

"I understand they have a curfew law out there now," he said.

"No," his informant answered, "they did have one, but they abandoned
it."

"What was the matter?"

"Well, the bell rang at 9 o'clock, and almost everyone complained that
it woke them up."




CURIOSITY


The Christmas church services were proceeding very successfully when a
woman in the gallery got so interested that she leaned out too far and
fell over the railing. Her dress caught in a chandelier, and she was
suspended in mid-air. The minister noticed her undignified position and
thundered at the congregation:

"Any person in this congregation who turns around will be struck
stone-blind."

A man, whose curiosity was getting the better of him, but who dreaded
the clergyman's warning, finally turned to his companion and said:

"I'm going to risk one eye."


A one-armed man entered a restaurant at noon and seated himself next to
a dapper little other-people's-business man. The latter at once noticed
his neighbor's left sleeve hanging loose and kept eying it in a
how-did-it-happen sort of a way. The one-armed man paid no attention to
him but kept on eating with his one hand. Finally the inquisitive one
could stand it no longer. He changed his position a little, cleared his
throat, and said: "I beg pardon, sir, but I see you have lost an arm."

The one-armed man picked up his sleeve with his right hand and peered
anxiously into it. "Bless my soul!" he exclaimed, looking up with great
surprise. "I do believe you're right."


_See also_ Wives.




CYCLONES


_See_ Windfalls.




DACHSHUNDS


A little boy was entertaining the minister the other day until his
mother could complete her toilet. The minister, to make congenial
conversation, inquired: "Have you a dog?"

"Yes, sir; a dachshund," responded the lad.

"Where is he?" questioned the dominic, knowing the way to a boy's heart.

"Father sends him away for the winter. He says it takes him so long to
go in and out of the door he cools the whole house off."




DAMAGES


A Chicago lawyer tells of a visit he received from a Mrs. Delehanty,
accompanied by Mr. Delehanty, the day after Mrs. Delehanty and a Mrs.
Cassidy had indulged in a little difference of opinion.

When he had listened to the recital of Mrs. Delehanty's troubles, the
lawyer said:

"You want to get damages, I suppose?"

"Damages! Damages!" came in shrill tones from Mrs. Delehanty. "Haven't I
got damages enough already, man? What I'm after is satisfaction."


A Chicago man who was a passenger on a train that met with an accident
not far from that city tells of a curious incident that he witnessed in
the car wherein he was sitting.

Just ahead of him were a man and his wife. Suddenly the train was
derailed, and went bumping down a steep hill. The man evinced signs of
the greatest terror; and when the car came to a stop he carefully
examined himself to learn whether he had received any injury. After
ascertaining that he was unhurt, he thought of his wife and damages.

"Are you hurt, dear?" he asked.

"No, thank Heaven!" was the grateful response.

"Look here, then," continued hubby, "I'll tell you what we'll do. You
let me black your eye, and we'll soak the company good for damages! It
won't hurt you much. I'll give you just one good punch." _--Howard
Morse_.


Up in Minnesota Mr. Olsen had a cow killed by a railroad train. In due
season the claim agent for the railroad called.

"We understand, of course, that the deceased was a very docile and
valuable animal," said the claim agent in his most persuasive
claim-agentlemanly manner "and we sympathize with you and your family in
your loss. But, Mr. Olsen, you must remember this: Your cow had no
business being upon our tracks. Those tracks are our private property
and when she invaded them, she became a trespasser. Technically
speaking, you, as her owner, became a trespasser also. But we have no
desire to carry the issue into court and possibly give you trouble. Now
then, what would you regard as a fair settlement between you and the
railroad company?"

"Vail," said Mr. Olsen slowly, "Ay bane poor Swede farmer, but Ay shall
give you two dollars."




DANCING


He was a remarkably stout gentleman, excessively fond of dancing, so his
friends asked him why he had stopped, and was it final?

"Oh, no, I hope not," sighed the old fellow. "I still love it, and I've
merely stopped until I can find a concave lady for a partner."


George Bernard Shaw was recently entertained at a house party. While the
other guests were dancing, one of the onlookers called Mr. Shaw's
attention to the awkward dancing of a German professor.

"Really horrid dancing, isn't it, Mr. Shaw?"

G.B.S. was not at a loss for the true Shavian response. "Oh that's not
dancing" he answered. "That's the New Ethical Movement!"


On a journey through the South not long ago, Wu Ting Fang was impressed
by the preponderance of negro labor in one of the cities he visited.
Wherever the entertainment committee led him, whether to factory, store
or suburban plantation, all the hard work seemed to be borne by the
black men.

Minister Wu made no comment at the time, but in the evening when he was
a spectator at a ball given in his honor, after watching the waltzing
and two-stepping for half an hour, he remarked to his host:

"Why don't you make the negroes do that for you, too?"


  If they had danced the tango and the trot
    In days of old, there is no doubt we'd find
  The poet would have written--would he not?--
   "On with the dance, let joy be unrefined!"

  --_J.J. O'Connell_.




DEAD BEATS


See _Bills_; Collecting of accounts.




DEBTS


A train traveling through the West was held up by masked bandits. Two
friends, who were on their way to California, were among the passengers.

"Here's where we lose all our money," one said, as a robber entered the
car.

"You don't think they'll take everything, do you?" the other asked
nervously.

"Certainly," the first replied. "These fellows never miss anything."

"That will be terrible," the second friend said. "Are you quite sure
they won't leave us any money?" he persisted.

"Of course," was the reply. "Why do you ask?"

The other was silent for a minute. Then, taking a fifty-dollar note from
his pocket, he handed it to his friend.

"What is this for?" the first asked, taking the money.

"That's the fifty dollars I owe you," the other answered. "Now we're
square."--_W. Dayton Wegefarth_.


WILLIS--"He calls himself a dynamo."

GILLIS--"No wonder; everything he has on is charged."--_Judge_.


   Anticipated rents, and bills unpaid,
   Force many a shining youth into the shade,
   Not to redeem his time, but his estate,
   And play the fool, but at the cheaper rate.

   --_Cowper_.


I hold every man a debtor to his profession.--_Bacon_.




DEER


   "The deer's a mighty useful beast
     From Petersburg to Tennyson
   For while he lives he lopes around
     And when he's dead he's venison."

   --_Ellis Parker Butler_.




DEGREES


   A young theologian named Fiddle
     Refused to accept his degree;
   "For," said he, "'tis enough to be Fiddle,
     Without being Fiddle D.D."




DEMOCRACY


"Why are you so vexed, Irma?"

"I am so exasperated! I attended the meeting of the Social Equality
League, and my parlor-maid presided, and she had the audacity to call me
to order three times."--_M. L. Hayward_.


_See also_ Ancestry.




DEMOCRATIC PARTY


HOSPITAL PHYSICIAN--"Which ward do you wish to be taken to? A pay ward
or a--"

MALONEY--"Iny of thim, Doc, thot's safely Dimocratic."




DENTISTRY


Our young hopeful came running into the house. His suit was dusty, and
there was a bump on his small brow. But a gleam was in his eye, and he
held out a baby tooth.

"How did you pull it?" demanded his mother.

"Oh," he said bravely, "it was easy enough. I just fell down, and the
whole world came up and pushed it out."




DENTISTS


The dentist is one who pulls out the teeth of others to obtain
employment for his own.


One day little Flora was taken to have an aching tooth removed. That
night, while she was saying her prayers, her mother was surprised to
hear her say: "And forgive us our debts as we forgive our
dentists."--_Everybody's_.


One said a tooth drawer was a kind of unconscionable trade, because his
trade was nothing else but to take away those things whereby every man
gets his living.--_Haglitt_.




DESCRIPTION


A popular soprano is said to have a voice of fine timbre, a willowy
figure, cherry lips, chestnut hair, and hazel eyes. She must have been
raised in the lumber regions.--_Ella Hutchison Ellwanger_.




DESIGN, DECORATIVE


Harold watched his mother as she folded up an intricate piece of lace
she had just crocheted.

"Where did you get the pattern, Mamma?" he questioned.

"Out of my head," she answered lightly.

"Does your head feel better now, Mamma?" he asked anxiously.--_C. Hilton
Turvey_.




DESTINATION


A Washington car conductor, born in London and still a cockney, has
succeeded in extracting thrills from the alphabet--imparting excitement
to the names of the national capitol's streets. On a recent Sunday
morning he was calling the streets thus:

"Haitch!"

"High!"

"Jay!"

"Kay!"

"Hell!"

At this point three prim ladies picked up their prayer-books and left
the car.--_Lippincott's Magazine_.


Andrew Lang once invited a friend to dinner when he was staying in
Marlowe's road, Earl's Court, a street away at the end of that long
Cromwell road, which seems to go on forever. The guest was not very
sure how to get there, so Lang explained:

"Walk right' along Cromwell road," he said, "till you drop dead and my
house is just opposite!"




DETAILS


Charles Frohman was talking to a Philadelphia reporter about the
importance of detail.

"Those who work for me," he said, "follow my directions down to the very
smallest item. To go wrong in detail, you know, is often to go
altogether wrong--like the dissipated husband.

"A dissipated husband as he stood before his house in the small hours
searching for his latchkey, muttered to himself:

"'Now which did my wife say--hic--have two whishkies an' get home by 12,
or--hic--have twelve whishkies an' get home by 2?'"




DETECTIVES


When Conan Doyle arrived for the first time in Boston he was instantly
recognized by the cabman whose vehicle he had engaged. When the great
literary man offered to pay his fare the cabman said quite respectfully:

"If you please, sir, I should much prefer a ticket to your lecture. If
you should have none with you a visiting-card penciled by yourself would
do."

Conan Doyle laughed.

"Tell me," he said, "how did you know who I was, and I will give you
tickets for your whole family."

"Thank you sir," was the reply. "Why, we all knew--that is, all the
members of the Cabmen's Literary Guild knew--that you were coming by
this train. I happen to be the only member on duty at the station this
morning. If you will excuse personal remarks your coat lapels are badly
twisted downward where they have been grasped by the pertinacious New
York reporters. Your hair has the Quakerish cut of a Philadelphia
barber, and your hat, battered at the brim in front, shows where you
have tightly grasped it in the struggle to stand your ground at a
Chicago literary luncheon. Your right overshoe has a large block of
Buffalo mud just under the instep, the odor of a Utica cigar hangs about
your clothing, and the overcoat itself shows the slovenly brushing of
the porters of the through sleepers from Albany, and stenciled upon the
very end of the 'Wellington' in fairly plain lettering is your name,
'Conan Doyle.'"




DETERMINATION


After the death of Andrew Jackson the following conversation is said to
have occurred between an Anti-Jackson broker and a Democratic merchant:

MERCHANT (_with a sigh_)--"Well, the old General is dead."

BROKER (_with a shrug_)--"Yes, he's gone at last."

MERCHANT (_not appreciating the shrug_)--"Well, sir, he was a good man."

BROKER (_with shrug more pronounced_)--"I don't know about that."

MERCHANT (_energetically_)--"He was a good man, sir. If any man has
gone to heaven, General Jackson has gone to heaven."

BROKER (_doggedly_)--"I don't know about that."

MERCHANT--"Well, sir, I tell you that if Andrew Jackson had made up his
mind to go to heaven, you may depend upon it he's there."




DIAGNOSIS


An epileptic dropped in a fit on the streets of Boston not long ago, and
was taken to a hospital. Upon removing his coat there was found pinned
to his waistcoat a slip of paper on which was written:

"This is to inform the house-surgeon that this is just a case of plain
fit: not appendicitis. My appendix has already been removed twice."




DIET


Eat, drink, and be merry, for to-morrow ye diet.--_William Gilmore
Beymer_.


  There was a young lady named Perkins,
  Who had a great fondness for gherkins;
    She went to a tea
    And ate twenty-three,
  Which pickled her internal workin's.


"Mother," asked the little one, on the occasion of a number of guests
being present at dinner, "will the dessert hurt me, or is there enough
to go round?"


The doctor told him he needed carbohydrates, proteids, and above all,
something nitrogenous. The doctor mentioned a long list of foods for him
to eat. He staggered out and wabbled into a Penn avenue restaurant.

"How about beefsteak?" he asked the waiter. "Is that nitrogenous?"

The waiter didn't know.

"Are fried potatoes rich in carbohydrates or not?"

The waiter couldn't say.

"Well, I'll fix it," declared the poor man in despair. "Bring me a large
plate of hash."


   A Colonel, who used to assert
   That naught his digestion could hurt,
     Was forced to admit
     That his weak point was hit
   When they gave him hot shot for dessert.


To abstain that we may enjoy is the epicurianism of reason.--_Rousseau_.


They are as sick that surfeit with too much, as they that starve with
nothing.--_Shakespeare_.




DILEMMAS


A story that has done service in political campaigns to illustrate
supposed dilemmas of the opposition will likely be revived in every
political "heated term."

Away back, when herds of buffalo grazed along the foothills of the
western mountains, two hardy prospectors fell in with a bull bison that
seemed to have been separated from his kind and run amuck. One of the
prospectors took to the branches of a tree and the other dived into a
cave. The buffalo bellowed at the entrance to the cavern and then turned
toward the tree. Out came the man from the cave, and the buffalo took
after him again. The man made another dive for the hole. After this had
been repeated several times, the man in the tree called to his comrade,
who was trembling at the mouth of the cavern:

"Stay in the cave, you idiot!"

"You don't know nothing about this hole," bawled the other. "There's a
bear in it!"




DINING


A twelve course dinner might be described as a gastronomic
marathon.--_John E. Rosser_.


"That was the spirit of your uncle that made that table stand, turn
over, and do such queer stunts."

"I am not surprised; he never did have good table manners."


"Chakey, Chakey," called the big sister as she stood in the doorway and
looked down the street toward the group of small boys: "Chakey, come in
alreaty and eat youseself. Maw she's on the table and Paw he's half et."


  There was a young lady of Cork,
  Whose Pa made a fortune in pork;
    He bought for his daughter
    A tutor who taught her
  To balance green peas on her fork.


An anecdote about Dr. Randall Davidson, bishop of Winchester, is that
after an ecclesiastical function, as the clergy were trooping in to
luncheon, an unctuous archdeacon observed: "This is the time to put a
bridle on our appetites!"

"Yes," replied the bishop, "this is the time to put a bit in our
mouths!"--_Christian Life_.


  There was a young lady named Maud,
  A very deceptive young fraud;
    She never was able
    To eat at the table,
  But out in the pantry--O Lord!


"Father's trip abroad did him so much good," said the self-made man's
daughter. "He looks better, feels better, and as for appetite--honestly,
it would just do your heart good to hear him eat!"


Whistler, the artist, was one day invited to dinner at a friend's house
and arrived at his destination two hours late.

"How extraordinary!" he exclaimed, as he walked into the dining-room
where the company was seated at the table; "really, I should think you
might have waited a bit--why, you're just like a lot of pigs with your
eating!"


  A macaroon,
    A cup of tea,
  An afternoon,
    Is all that she
  Will eat;
    She's in society.

  But let me take
    This maiden fair
  To some café,
    And, then and there,
  She'll eat the whole
    Blame bill of fare.

  --_The Mystic Times_.


The small daughter of the house was busily setting the tables for
expected company when her mother called to her:

"Put down three forks at each place, dear."

Having made some observations on her own account when the expected
guests had dined with her mother before, she inquired thoughtfully:

"Shall I give Uncle John three knives?"


For a man seldom thinks with more earnestness of anything than he does
of his dinner--_Samuel Johnson_.



DIPLOMACY


WIFE--"Please match this piece of silk for me before you come home."

HUSBAND--"At the counter where the sweet little blond works? The one
with the soulful eyes and--"

WIFE--"No. You're too tired to shop for me when your day's work is done,
dear. On second thought, I won't bother you."


Scripture tells us that a soft answer turneth away wrath. A witty
repartee sometimes helps one immensely also.

When Richard Olney was secretary of state he frequently gave expression
to the opinion that appointees to the consular service should speak the
language of the countries to which they were respectively accredited. It
is said that when a certain breezy and enterprising western politician
who was desirous of serving the Cleveland administration in the capacity
of consul of the Chinese ports presented his papers to Mr. Olney, the
secretary remarked:

"Are you aware, Mr. Blank, that I never recommend to the President the
appointment of a consul unless he speaks the language of the country to
which he desires to go? Now, I suppose you do not speak Chinese?"

Whereupon the westerner grinned broadly. "If, Mr. Secretary," said he,
"you will ask me a question in Chinese, I shall be happy to answer it."
He got the appointment.


"Miss de Simpson," said the young secretary of legation, "I have opened
negotiations with your father upon the subject of--er--coming to see you
oftener, with a view ultimately to forming an alliance, and he has
responded favorably. May I ask if you will ratify the arrangement, as a
_modus vivendi?_"

"Mr. von Harris," answered the daughter of the eminent diplomat, "don't
you think it would have been a more graceful recognition of my
administrative entity if you had asked me first?"


   I call'd the devil and he came,
     And with wonder his form did I closely scan;
   He is not ugly, and is not lame,
     But really a handsome and charming man.
   A man in the prime of life is the devil,
   Obliging, a man of the world, and civil;
   A diplomatist too, well skill'd in debate,
   He talks quite glibly of church and state.

  --_Heine_.




DISCIPLINE


_See_ Military discipline; Parents.




DISCOUNTS


A train in Arizona was boarded by robbers, who went through the pockets
of the luckless passengers. One of them happened to be a traveling
salesman from New York, who, when his turn came, fished out $200, but
rapidly took $4 from the pile and placed it in his vest pocket.

"What do you mean by that?" asked the robber, as he toyed with his
revolver. Hurriedly came the answer: "Mine frent, you surely vould not
refuse me two per zent discount on a strictly cash transaction like
dis?"




DISCRETION


When you can, use discretion; when you can't, use a club.




DISPOSITION


One eastern railroad has a regular form for reporting accidents to
animals on its right of way. Recently a track foreman had the killing of
a cow to report. In answer to the question, "Disposition of carcass?" he
wrote: "Kind and gentle."

There was one man who had a reputation for being even tempered. He was
always cross.




DISTANCES


A regiment of regulars was making a long, dusty march across the rolling
prairie land of Montana last summer. It was a hot, blistering day and
the men, longing for water and rest, were impatient to reach the next
town.

A rancher rode past.

"Say, friend," called out one of the men, "how far is it to the next
town?"

"Oh, a matter of two miles or so, I reckon," called back the rancher.
Another long hour dragged by, and another rancher was encountered.

"How far to the next town?" the men asked him eagerly.

"Oh, a good two miles."

A weary half-hour longer of marching, and then a third rancher.

"Hey, how far's the next town?"

"Not far," was the encouraging answer. "Only about two miles."

"Well," sighed an optimistic sergeant, "thank God, we're holdin' our
own, anyhow!"




DIVORCE


"When a woman marries and then divorces her husband inside of a week
what would you call it?"

"Taking his name in vain."--_Princeton Tiger_.




DOGS


LADY (to tramp who had been commissioned to find her lost poodle)--"The
poor little darling, where did you find him?"

TRAMP--"Oh, a man 'ad 'im, miss, tied to a pole, and was cleaning the
windows wiv 'im!"


A family moved from the city to a suburban locality and were told that
they should get a watchdog to guard the premises at night. So they
bought the largest dog that was for sale in the kennels of a neighboring
dog fancier, who was a German. Shortly afterward the house was entered
by burglars who made a good haul, while the big dog slept. The man went
to the dog fancier and told him about it.

"Veil, vat you need now," said the dog merchant, "is a leedle dog to
vake up the big dog."


  "Dogs is mighty useful beasts
    They might seem bad at first
  They might seem worser right along
    But when they're dead
          They're wurst."

  --_Ellis Parker Butler_.


"My dog took first prize at the cat show."

"How was that?"

"He took the cat."--_Judge_.


FAIR VISITOR--"Why are you giving Fido's teeth such a thorough
brushing?"

FOND MISTRESS--"Oh! The poor darling's just bitten some horrid person,
and, really, you know, one can't be too careful."--_Life_.


"Do you know that that bulldog of yours killed my wife's little
harmless, affectionate poodle?"

"Well, what are you going to do about it?"

"Would you be offended if I was to present him with a nice brass
collar?"


  Fleshy Miss Muffet
  Sat down on Tuffet,
    A very good dog in his way;
  When she saw what she'd done,
  She started to run--
    And Tuffet was buried next day.

  --_L.T.H_.


William J. Stevens, for several years local station agent at Swansea, R.
I., was peacefully promenading his platform one morning when a rash dog
ventured to snap at one of William's plump legs. Stevens promptly kicked
the animal halfway across the tracks, and was immediately confronted by
the owner, who demanded an explanation in language more forcible than
courteous.

"Why," said Stevens when the other paused for breath, "your dog's mad."

"Mad! Mad! You double-dyed blankety-blank fool, he ain't mad!"

"Oh, ain't he?" cut in Stevens. "Gosh! I should be if any one kicked me
like that!"


One would have it that a collie is the most sagacious of dogs, while the
other stood up for the setter.

"I once owned a setter," declared the latter, "which was very
intelligent. I had him on the street one day, and he acted so queerly
about a certain man we met that I asked the man his name, and--"

"Oh, that's an old story!" the collie's advocate broke in sneeringly.
"The man's name was Partridge, of course, and because of that the dog
came to a set. Ho, ho! Come again!"

"You're mistaken," rejoined the other suavely. "The dog didn't come
quite to a set, though almost. As a matter of fact, the man's name was
Quayle, and the dog hesitated on account of the spelling!"--_P. R.
Benson_.


The more one sees of men the more one likes dogs.


_See also_ Dachshunds.




DOMESTIC FINANCE


"Talk about Napoleon! That fellow Wombat is something of a strategist
himself."

"As to how?"

"Got his salary raised six months ago, and his wife hasn't found it out
yet."--_Washington Herald_.


A Lakewood woman was recently reading to her little boy the story of a
young lad whose father was taken ill and died, after which he set
himself diligently to work to support himself and his mother. When she
had finished her story she said:

"Dear Billy, if your papa were to die, would you work to support your
dear mamma?"

"Naw!" said Billy unexpectedly.

"But why not?"

"Ain't we got a good house to live in?"

"Yes, dearie, but we can't eat the house, you know."

"Ain't there a lot o' stuff in the pantry?"

"Yes, but that won't last forever."

"It'll last till you git another husband, won't it? You're a pretty good
looker, ma!"

Mamma gave up right there.


"I am sending you a thousand kisses," he wrote to his fair young wife
who was spending her first month away from him. Two days later he
received the following telegram: "Kisses received. Landlord refuses to
accept any of them on account." Then he woke up and forwarded a check.


_See also_ Trouble.




DOMESTIC RELATIONS


  There was a young man of Dunbar,
  Who playfully poisoned his Ma;
    When he'd finished his work,
    He remarked with a smirk,
  "This will cause quite a family jar."


_See also_ Families; Marriage.




DRAMA


The average modern play calls in the first act for all our faith, in the
second for all our hope, and in the last for all our charity.--_Eugene
Walter_.


The young man in the third row of seats looked bored. He wasn't having a
good time. He cared nothing for the Shakespearean drama.

"What's the greatest play you ever saw?" the young woman asked,
observing his abstraction.

Instantly he brightened.

"Tinker touching a man out between second and third and getting the ball
over to Chance in time to nab the runner to first!" he said.


LARRY--"I like Professor Whatishisname in Shakespeare. He brings things
home to you that you never saw before."

HARRY--"Huh! I've got a laundryman as good as that."


I think I love and reverence all arts equally, only putting my own just
above the others.... To me it seems as if when God conceived the world,
that was Poetry; He formed it, and that was Sculpture; He colored it,
and that was Painting; He peopled it with living beings, and that was
the grand, divine, eternal Drama.--_Charlotte Cushman_.


Two women were leaving the theater after a performance of "The Doll's
House."

"Oh, don't you _love_ Ibsen?" asked one, ecstatically. "Doesn't he just
take all the hope out of life?"




DRAMATIC CRITICISM


Theodore Dreiser, the novelist, was talking about criticism.

"I like pointed criticism," he said, "criticism such as I heard in the
lobby of a theater the other night at the end of the play."

"The critic was an old gentleman. His criticism, which was for his
wife's ears alone, consisted of these words:

"'Well, you would come!'"


Nat Goodwin, the American comedian, when at the Shaftesbury Theatre,
London, told of an experience he once had with a juvenile deadhead in a
town in America. Standing outside the theater a little time before the
performance was due to begin he observed a small boy with an anxious,
forlorn look on his face and a weedy-looking pup in his arms.

Goodwin inquired what was the matter, and was told that the boy wished
to sell the dog so as to raise the price of a seat in the gallery. The
actor suspected at once a dodge to secure a pass on the "sympathy
racket," but allowing himself to be taken in he gave the boy a pass. The
dog was deposited in a safe place and the boy was able to watch Goodwin
as the Gilded Fool from a good seat in the gallery. Next day Goodwin saw
the boy again near the theater, so he asked:

"Well, sonny, how did you like the show?"

"I'm glad I didn't sell my dog," was the reply.




DRAMATISTS


"I hear Scribbler finally got one of his plays on the boards."

"Yes, the property man tore up his manuscript and used it in the snow
storm scene."


"So you think the author of this play will live, do you?" remarked the
tourist.

"Yes," replied the manager of the Frozen Dog Opera House. "He's got a
five-mile start and I don't think the boys kin ketch him."--_Life_.


We all know the troubles of a dramatist are many and varied.

Here's an advertisement taken from a morning paper that shows to what a
pass a genius may come in a great city:

"Wanted--A collaborator, by a young playwright. The play is already
written; collaborator to furnish board and bed until play is produced."




DRESSMAKERS


WIFE--"Wretch! Show me that letter."

HUSBAND--"What letter?"

WIFE--"That one in your hand. It's from a woman, I can see by the
writing, and you turned pale when you saw it."

HUSBAND--"Yes. Here it is. It's your dressmaker's bill."




DRINKING


  He who goes to bed, and goes to bed sober,
  Falls as the leaves do, and dies in October;
  But he who goes to bed, and does so mellow,
  Lives as he ought to, and dies a good fellow.

  --_Parody on Fletcher_.



I drink when I have occasion, and sometimes when I have no
occasion.--_Cervantes_.

I have very poor and unhappy brains for drinking. I could wish courtesy
would invent some other custom of entertainment.--_Shakespeare_.


  The Frenchman loves his native wine;
    The German loves his beer;
  The Englishman loves his 'alf and 'alf,
    Because it brings good cheer;
  The Irishman loves his "whiskey straight,"
    Because it gives him dizziness;
  The American has no choice at all,
    So he drinks the whole blamed business.


A young Englishman came to Washington and devoted his days and nights to
an earnest endeavor to drink all the Scotch whiskey there was. He
couldn't do it, and presently went to a doctor, complaining of a
disordered stomach.

"Quit drinking!" ordered the doctor.

"But, my dear sir, I cawn't. I get so thirsty."

"Well," said the doctor, "whenever you are thirsty eat an apple instead
of taking a drink."

The Englishman paid his fee and left. He met a friend to whom he told
his experience.

"Bally rot!" he protested. "Fawncy eating forty apples a day!"


If you are invited to drink at any man's house more than you think is
wholesome, you may say "you wish you could, but so little makes you both
drunk and sick; that you should only be bad company by doing so."--_Lord
Chesterfield_.


There is many a cup 'twixt the lip and the slip.--_Judge_.


One swallow doesn't make a summer, but it breaks a New Year's
resolution.--_Life_.


DOCTOR (feeling Sandy's pulse in bed)--"What do you drink."

SANDY (with brightening face)--"Oh, I'm nae particular, doctor! Anything
you've got with ye."


  Here's to the girls of the American shore,
  I love but one, I love no more,
  Since she's not here to drink her part,
  I'll drink her share with all my heart.


A well-known Scottish architect was traveling in Palestine recently,
when news reached him of an addition to his family circle. The happy
father immediately provided himself with some water from the Jordan to
carry home for the christening of the infant, and returned to Scotland.

On the Sunday appointed for the ceremony he duly presented himself at
the church, and sought out the beadle in order to hand over the precious
water to his care. He pulled the flask from his pocket, but the beadle
held up a warning hand, and came nearer to whisper:

"No the noo, sir; no the noo! Maybe after the kirk's oot!"


When President Eliot of Harvard was in active service as head of the
university, reports came to him that one of his young charges was in the
habit of absorbing more liquor than was good for him, and President
Eliot determined to do his duty and look into the matter.

Meeting the young man under suspicion in the yard shortly after
breakfast one day the president marched up to him and demanded, "Young
man, do you drink?"

"Why, why, why," stammered the young man, "why, President Eliot, not so
early in the morning, thank you."


WIFE (on auto tour)--"That fellow back there said there is a road-house
a few miles down the road. Shall we stop there?"

HUSBAND--"Did he whisper it or say it out loud?"


A priest went to a barber shop conducted by one of his Irish
parishioners to get a shave. He observed the barber was suffering from a
recent celebration, but decided to take a chance. In a few moments the
barber's razor had nicked the father's cheek. "There, Pat, you have cut
me," said the priest as he raised his hand and caressed the wound. "Yis,
y'r riv'rance," answered the barber. "That shows you," continued the
priest, in a tone of censure, "what the use of liquor will do." "Yis,
y'r riv'rance," replied the barber, humbly, "it makes the skin tender."


Ex-congressman Asher G. Caruth, of Kentucky, tells this story of an
experience he once had on a visit to a little Ohio town.

"I went up there on legal business," he says, "and, knowing that I
should have to stay all night, I proceeded directly to the only hotel.
The landlord stood behind the desk and regarded me with a kindly air as
I registered. It seems that he was a little hard of hearing, a fact of
which I was not aware. As I jabbed the pen back into the dish of bird
shot, I said:

"'Can you direct me to the bank?'

"He looked at me blankly for a second, then swinging the register
around, he glanced down swiftly, caught the 'Louisville' after my name,
and an expression of complete understanding lighting up his countenance,
he said:

"'Certainly, sir. You will find the bar right through that door at the
left.'"


_See also_ Drunkards; Good fellowship; Temperance; Wine.




DROUGHTS


Governor Glasscock of West Virginia, while traveling through Arizona,
noticed the dry, dusty appearance of the country.

"Doesn't it ever rain around here?" he asked one of the natives.

"Rain?" The native spat. "Rain? Why say pardner, there's bullfrogs in
this yere town over five years old that hain't learned to swim yet!"




DRUNKARDS


  Sing a song of sick gents,
  Pockets full of rye,
  Four and twenty highballs,
  We wish that we might die.


Two booze-fiends were ambling homeward at an early hour, after being out
nearly all night.

"Don't your wife miss you on these occasions?" asked one.

"Not often," replied the other; "she throws pretty straight."


"Where's old Four-Fingered Pete?" asked Alkali Ike. "I ain't seen him
around here since I got back."

"Pete?" said the bartender. "Oh, he went up to Hyena Tongue and got
jagged. Went up to a hotel winder, stuck his head in and hollered
'Fire!' and everybody did."


The Irish talent for repartee has an amusing illustration in Lord
Rossmore's recent book "Things I Can Tell." While acting as magistrate
at an Irish village, Lord Rossmore said to an old offender brought
before him: "You here again?" "Yes, your honor." "What's brought you
here?" "Two policemen, your honor." "Come, come, I know that--drunk
again, I suppose?" "Yes, your honor, both of them."


The colonel came down to breakfast New Year's morning with a bandaged
hand.

"Why, colonel, what's the matter?" they asked.

"Confound it all!" the colonel answered, "we had a little party last
night, and one of the younger men got intoxicated and stepped on my
hand."


MAGISTRATE--"And what was the prisoner doing?"

CONSTABLE--"E were 'avin' a very 'eated argument with a cab driver, yer
worship."

MAGISTRATE--"But that doesn't prove he was drunk."

CONSTABLE--"Ah, but there worn't no cab driver there, yer worship."


A Scotch minister and his servant, who were coming home from a wedding,
began to consider the state into which their potations at the wedding
feast had left them.

"Sandy," said the minister, "just stop a minute here till I go ahead.
Maybe I don't walk very steady and the good wife might remark something
not just right."

He walked ahead of the servant for a short distance and then asked:

"How is it? Am I walking straight?"

"Oh, ay," answered Sandy thickly, "ye're a' recht--but who's that who's
with ye."


A man in a very deep state of intoxication was shouting and kicking most
vigorously at a lamp post, when the noise attracted a near-by policeman.

"What's the matter?" he asked the energetic one.

"Oh, never mind, mishter. Thash all right," was the reply; "I know
she'sh home all right--I shee a light upshtairs."


A pompous little man with gold-rimmed spectacles and a thoughtful brow
boarded a New York elevated train and took the only unoccupied seat. The
man next him had evidently been drinking. For a while the little man
contented himself with merely sniffing contemptuously at his neighbor,
but finally he summoned the guard.

"Conductor," he demanded indignantly, "do you permit drunken people to
ride upon this train?"

"No, sir," replied the guard in a confidential whisper. "But don't say a
word and stay where you are, sir. If ye hadn't told me I'd never have
noticed ye."


A noisy bunch tacked out of their club late one night, and up the
street. They stopped in front of an imposing residence. After
considerable discussion one of them advanced and pounded on the door. A
woman stuck her head out of a second-story window and demanded, none too
sweetly: "What do you want?"

"Ish thish the residence of Mr. Smith?" inquired the man on the steps,
with an elaborate bow.

"It is. What do you want?"

"Ish it possible I have the honor of speakin' to Misshus Smith?"

"Yes. What do you want?"

"Dear Misshus Smith! Good Misshus Smith! Will you--hic--come down an'
pick out Mr. Smith? The resh of us want to go home."


That clever and brilliant genius, McDougall, who represented California
in the United States Senate, was like many others of his class somewhat
addicted to fiery stimulants, and unable to battle long with them
without showing the effect of the struggle. Even in his most exhausted
condition he was, however, brilliant at repartee; but one night, at a
supper of journalists given to the late George D. Prentice, a genius of
the same mold and the same unfortunate habit, he found a foeman worthy
of his steel in General John Cochrane. McDougall had taken offense at
some anti-slavery sentiments which had been uttered--it was in war
times--and late in the evening got on his legs for the tenth time to
make a reply. The spirit did not move him to utterance, however; on the
contrary, it quite deprived him of the power of speech; and after an
ineffectual attempt at speech he suddenly concluded:

"Those are my sentiments, sir, and my name's McDougall."

"I beg the gentleman's pardon," said General Cochrane, springing to his
feet; "but what was that last remark?"

McDougall pronounced it again; "my name's McDougall."

"There must be some error," said Cochrane, gravely. "I have known Mr.
McDougall many years, and there never was a time when as late as twelve
o'clock at night he knew what his name was."


On a pleasant Sunday afternoon an old German and his youngest son were
seated in the village inn. The father had partaken liberally of the
home-brewed beer, and was warning his son against the evils of
intemperance. "Never drink too much, my son. A gentleman stops when he
has enough. To be drunk is a disgrace."

"Yes, Father, but how can I tell when I have enough or am drunk?"

The old man pointed with his finger. "Do you see those two men sitting
in the corner? If you see four men there, you would be drunk."

The boy looked long and earnestly. "Yes, Father, but--but--there is only
one man in that corner."--_W. Karl Hilbrich_.


William R. Hearst, who never touches liquor, had several men in
important positions on his newspapers who were not strangers to
intoxicants. Mr. Hearst has a habit of appearing at his office at
unexpected times and summoning his chiefs of departments for
instructions. One afternoon he sent for Mr. Blank.

"He hasn't come down yet, sir," reported the office boy.

"Please tell Mr. Dash I want to see him."

"He hasn't come down yet either."

"Well, find Mr. Star or Mr. Sun or Mr. Moon--anybody; I want to see one
of them at once."

"Ain't none of 'em here yet, sir. You see there was a celebration last
night and--"

Mr. Hearst sank back in his chair and remarked in his quiet way:

"For a man who don't drink I think I suffer more from the effects of it
than anybody in the world."


"What is a drunken man like, Fool?"

"Like a drowned man, a fool and a madman: one draught above heat makes
him a fool; the second mads him; and a third drowns him."--_Shakespeare_.




DYSPEPSIA


"Ah," she sighed "for many years I've suffered from dyspepsia."

"And don't you take anything for it?" her friend asked. "You look
healthy enough."

"Oh," she replied, "I haven't indigestion: my husband has."




ECHOES


An American and a Scotsman were walking one day near the foot of one of
the Scotch mountains. The Scotsman, wishing to impress the visitor,
produced a famous echo to be heard in that place. When the echo returned
clearly after nearly four minutes, the proud Scotsman, turning to the
Yankee exclaimed:

"There, mon, ye canna show anything like that in your country."

"Oh, I don't know," said the American, "I guess we can better that. Why
in my camp in the Rockies, when I go to bed I just lean out of my
window and call out, 'Time to get up: wake up!' and eight hours
afterward the echo comes back and wakes me."




ECONOMY


An economist is usually a man who can save money by cutting down some
other person's expenses.


Economy is going without something you do want in case you should, some
day, want something which you probably won't want.--_Anthony Hope_.


Economy is a way of spending money without getting any fun out of it.


Ther's lots o' difference between thrift an' tryin' t' revive a last
year's straw hat.--_Abe Martin_.


Economy is a great revenue.--_Cicero_.


_See also_ Domestic finance; Saving; Thrift.




EDITORS


Recipe for an editor:

  Take a personal hatred of authors,
    Mix this with a fiendish delight
  In refusing all efforts of genius
    And maiming all poets on sight.

  --_Life_.


The city editor of a great New York daily was known in the newspaper
world as a martinet and severe disciplinarian. Some of his caustic and
biting criticisms are classics. Once, however, the tables were turned
upon him in a way that left him speechless for days.

A reporter on the paper wrote an article that the city editor did not
approve of. The morning of publication this reporter drifted into the
office and encountered his chief, who was in a white heat of anger.
Carefully suppressing the explosion, however, the boss started in with
ominous and icy words:

"Mr. Blank, I am not going to criticize you for what you have written.
On the other hand, I am profoundly sorry for you. I have watched your
work recently, and it is my opinion, reached after calm and
dispassionate observation, that you are mentally unbalanced. You are
insane. Your mind is a wreck. Your friends should take you in hand. The
very kindest suggestion I can make is that you visit an alienist and
place yourself under treatment. So far you have shown no sign of
violence, but what the future holds for you no one can tell. I say this
in all kindness and frankness. You are discharged."

The reporter walked out of the office and wandered up to Bellevue
Hospital. He visited the insane pavilion, and told the resident surgeon
that there was a suspicion that he was not all right mentally and asked
to be examined. The doctor put him through the regular routine and then
said,

"Right as a top."

"Sure?" asked the reporter. "Will you give me a certificate to that
effect?" The doctor said he would and did. Clutching the certificate
tightly in his hand the reporter entered the office an hour later,
walked up to the city editor, handed it to him silently, and then
blurted out,

"Now you go get one."




EDUCATION


Along in the sixties Pat Casey pushed a wheelbarrow across the plains
from St. Joseph, Mo., to Georgetown, Colo., and shortly after that he
"struck it rich"; in fact, he was credited with having more wealth than
any one else in Colorado. A man of great shrewdness and ability, he was
exceedingly sensitive over his inability to read or write. One day an
old-timer met him with:

"How are you getting along, Pat?"

"Go 'way from me now," said Pat genially, "me head's bustin' wid
business. It takes two lid-pincils a day to do me wurruk."


A catalog of farming implements sent out by the manufacturer finally
found its way to a distant mountain village where it was evidently
welcomed with interest. The firm received a carefully written, if
somewhat clumsily expressed letter from a southern "cracker" asking
further particulars about one of the listed articles.

To this, in the usual course of business, was sent a type-written
answer. Almost by return mail came a reply:

"You fellows need not think you are so all-fired smart, and you need not
print your letters to me. I can read writing."




EFFICIENCY


An American motorist went to Germany in his car to the army maneuvers.
He was especially impressed with the German motor ambulances. As the
tourist watched the maneuvers from a seat under a tree, the axle of one
of the motor ambulances broke. Instantly the man leaped out, ran into
the village, returned in a jiffy with a new axle, fixed it in place with
wonderful skill, and teuffed-teuffed off again almost as good as new.

"There's efficiency for you," said the American admirably. "There's
German efficiency for you. No matter what breaks, there's always a stock
at hand from which to supply the needed part."

And praising the remarkable instance of German efficiency he had just
witnessed, the tourist returned to the village and ordered up his car.
But he couldn't use it. The axle was missing.


A curious little man sat next an elderly, prosperous looking man in a
smoking car.

"How many people work in your office?" he asked.

"Oh," responded the elderly man, getting up and throwing away his cigar,
"I should say, at a rough guess, about two-thirds of them."




EGOTISM


In the Chicago schools a boy refused to sew, thinking it below the
dignity of a man of ten years.

"Why," said the teacher, "George Washington did his own sewing in the
wars, and do you think you are better than George Washington?"

"I don't know," replied the boy seriously. "Only time can tell that."


John D. Rockefeller tells this story on himself:

"Golfing one bright winter day I had for caddie a boy who didn't know
me.

"An unfortunate stroke landed me in clump of high grass.

"'My, my,' I said, 'what am I to do now?'

"'See that there tree?' said the boy, pointing to a tall tree a mile
away. 'Well, drive straight for that.'

"I lofted vigorously, and, fortunately, my ball soared up into the air;
it landed, and it rolled right on to the putting green.

"'How's that, my boy?' I cried.

"The caddie stared at me with envious eyes.

"'Gee, boss,' he said, 'if I had your strength and you had my brains
what a pair we'd make!'"


The late Marshall Field had a very small office-boy who came to the
great merchant one day with a request for an increase in wages.

"Huh!" said Mr. Field, looking at him as if through a magnifying-glass.
"Want a raise, do you? How much are you getting?"

"Three dollars a week," chirped the little chap.

"Three dollars a week!" exclaimed his employer. "Why, when I was your
age I only got two dollars."

"Oh, well, that's different," piped the youngster. "I guess you weren't
worth any more."


  Here's to the man who is wisest and best,
  Here's to the man who with judgment is blest.
  Here's to the man who's as smart as can be--
  I mean the man who agrees with me.




ELECTIONS


In St. Louis there is one ward that is full of breweries and Germans. In
a recent election a local option question was up.

After the election some Germans were counting the votes. One German was
calling off and another taking down the option votes. The first German,
running rapidly through the ballots, said: "Vet, vet, vet, vet,..."
Suddenly he stopped. "_Mein Gott_!" he cried: "_Dry_!"

Then he went on--"Vet, vet, vet, vet,..."

Presently he stopped again and mopped his brow. "_Himmel_!" he said.
"Der son of a gun repeated!"


WILLIS--"What's the election today for? Anybody happen to know?"

GILLIS--"It is to determine whether we shall have a convention to
nominate delegates who will be voted on as to whether they will attend a
caucus which will decide whether we shall have a primary to determine
whether the people want to vote on this same question again next
year."--_Puck_.


One year, when the youngsters of a certain Illinois village met for the
purpose of electing a captain of their baseball team for the coming
season, it appeared that there were an excessive number of candidates
for the post, with more than the usual wrangling.

Youngster after youngster presented his qualifications for the post; and
the matter was still undecided when the son of the owner of the
ball-field stood up. He was a small, snub-nosed lad, with a plentiful
supply of freckles, but he glanced about him with a dignified air of
controlling the situation.

"I'm going to be captain this year," he announced convincingly, "or else
Father's old bull is going to be turned into the field."

He was elected unanimously.--_Fenimore Martin_.


I consider biennial elections as a security that the sober second
thought of the people shall be law.--_Fisher Ames_.




ELECTRICITY


In school a boy was asked this question in physics: "What is the
difference between lightning and electricity?"

And he answered: "Well, you don't have to pay for lightning."




EMBARRASSING SITUATIONS


A young gentleman was spending the week-end at little Willie's cottage
at Atlantic City, and on Sunday evening after dinner, there being a
scarcity of chairs on the crowded piazza, the young gentleman took
Willie on his lap.

Then, during a pause in the conversation, little Willie looked up at the
young gentleman and piped:

"Am I as heavy as sister Mabel?"


The late Charles Coghlan was a man of great wit and resource. When he
was living in London, his wife started for an out-of-town visit. For
some reason she found it necessary to return home, and on her way
thither she saw her husband step out of a cab and hand a lady from it.
Mrs. Coghlan confronted the pair. The actor was equal to the situation.

"My dear," he said to his wife, "allow me to present Miss Blank. Mrs.
Coghlan, Miss Blank."

The two bowed coldly while Coghlan quickly added:

"I know you ladies have ever so many things you want to say to each
other, so I will ask to be excused."

He lifted his hat, stepped into the cab, and was whirled away.


The evening callers were chatting gaily with the Kinterbys when a patter
of little feet was heard from the head of the stairs. Mrs. Kinterby
raised her hand, warning the others to silence.

"Hush!" she said, softly. "The children are going to deliver their
'good-night' message. It always gives me a feeling of reverence to hear
them--they are so much nearer the Creator than we are, and they speak
the love that is in their little hearts never so fully as when the dark
has come. Listen!"

There was a moment of tense silence. Then--"Mama," came the message in a
shrill whisper, "Willy found a bedbug!"


"I was in an awkward predicament yesterday morning," said a husband to
another.

"How was that?"

"Why, I came home late, and my wife heard me and said, 'John, what time
is it?' and I said, 'Only twelve, my dear,' and just then that cuckoo
clock of ours sang out three times."

"What did you do?"

"Why, I just had to stand there and cuckoo nine times more."


"Your husband will be all right now," said an English doctor to a woman
whose husband was dangerously ill.

"What do you mean?" demanded the wife. "You told me 'e couldn't live a
fortnight."

"Well, I'm going to cure him, after all," said the doctor. "Surely you
are glad?"

The woman wrinkled her brows.

"Puts me in a bit of an 'ole," she said. "I've bin an' sold all 'is
clothes to pay for 'is funeral."




EMPLOYERS AND EMPLOYEES


"You want more money? Why, my boy, I worked three years for $11 a month
right in this establishment, and now I'm owner of it."

"Well, you see what happened to your boss. No man who treats his help
that way can hang on to his business."


EARNEST YOUNG MAN--"Have you any advice to a struggling young employee?"

FRANK OLD GENTLEMAN--"Yes. Don't work."

EARNEST YOUNG MAN--"Don't work?"

FRANK OLD GENTLEMAN--"No. Become an employer."


General Benjamin F. Butler built a house in Washington on the same plans
as his home in Lowell, Mass., and his studies were furnished in exactly
the same way. He and his secretary, M. W. Clancy, afterward City Clerk
of Washington for many years, were constantly traveling between the two
places.

One day a senator called upon General Butler in Lowell and the next day
in Washington to find him and his secretary engaged upon the same work
that had occupied them in Massachusetts.

"Heavens, Clancy, don't you ever stop?"

"No," interposed General Butler,

  "'Satan finds some michief still
  For idle hands to do.'"

Clancy arose and bowed, saying:

"General, I never was sure until now what my employer was. I had heard
the rumor, but I always discredited it."


W.J. ("Fingy") Conners, the New York politician, who is not precisely a
Chesterfield, secured his first great freight-handling contract when he
was a roustabout on the Buffalo docks. When the job was about to begin
he called a thousand burly "dock-wallopers" to order, as narrated by one
of his business friends:

"Now," roared Conners, "yez are to worruk for me, and I want ivery man
here to understand what's what. I kin lick anny man in the gang."

Nine hundred and ninety-nine swallowed the insult, but one huge,
double-fisted warrior moved uneasily and stepping from the line he said
"You can't lick me, Jim Conners."

"I can't, can't I?" bellowed "Fingy."

"No, you can't" was the determined response.

"Oh, well, thin, go to the office and git your money," said "Fingy."
"I'll have no man in me gang that I can't lick."


Outside his own cleverness there is nothing that so delights Mr. Wiggins
as a game of baseball, and when he gets a chance to exploit the two,
both at the same time, he may be said to be the happiest man in the
world. Hence it was that the other day, when little red headed Willie
Mulligan, his office boy, came sniffing into his presence to ask for the
afternoon off that he might attend his grandfather's funeral, Wiggins
deemed it a masterly stroke to answer:

"Why, certainly, Willie. What's more, my boy, if you'll wait for me I'll
go with you."

"All right, sir," sniffed Willie as he returned to his desk and waited
patiently.

And, lo and behold, poor little Willie had told the truth, and when he
and Wiggins started out together the latter not only lost one of the
best games of the season, but had to attend the obsequies of an old lady
in whom he had no interest whatever as well.


CHIEF CLERK (to office boy)--"Why on earth don't you laugh when the boss
tells a joke?"

OFFICE BOY--"I don't have to; I quit on Saturday."--_Satire_.


James J. Hill, the Railway King, told the following amusing incident
that happened on one of his roads:

"One of our division superintendents had received numerous complaints
that freight trains were in the habit of stopping on a grade crossing in
a certain small town, thereby blocking travel for long periods. He
issued orders, but still the complaints came in. Finally he decided to
investigate personally.

"A short man in size and very excitable, he went down to the crossing,
and, sure enough, there stood, in defiance of his orders, a long freight
train, anchored squarely across it. A brakeman who didn't know him by
sight sat complacently on the top of the car.

"'Move that train on!' sputtered the little 'super.' 'Get it off the
crossing so people can pass. Move on, I say!'

"The brakeman surveyed the tempestuous little man from head to foot.
'You go to the deuce, you little shrimp,' he replied. 'You're small
enough to crawl under.'"




ENEMIES


An old man who had led a sinful life was dying, and his wife sent for a
near-by preacher to pray with him.

The preacher spent some time praying and talking, and finally the old
man said: "What do you want me to do, Parson?"

"Renounce the Devil, renounce the Devil," replied the preacher.

"Well, but, Parson," protested the dying man, "I ain't in position to
make any enemies."


It is better to decide a difference between enemies than friends, for
one of our friends will certainly become an enemy and one of our enemies
a friend.--_Bias_.


  The world is large when its weary leagues
    two loving hearts divide;
  But the world is small when your enemy is
    loose on the other side.

  --_John Boyle O'Reilly_.




ENGLAND


_See_ Great Britain.




ENGLISH LANGUAGE


A popular hotel in Rome has a sign in the elevator reading: "Please do
not touch the Lift at your own risk."


The class at Heidelberg was studying English conjugations, and each verb
considered was used in a model sentence, so that the students would gain
the benefit of pronouncing the connected series of words, as well as
learning the varying forms of the verb. This morning it was the verb "to
have" in the sentence, "I have a gold mine."

Herr Schmitz was called to his feet by Professor Wulff.

"Conjugate 'do haff' in der sentence, 'I haff a golt mine," the
professor ordered.

"I haff a golt mine, du hast a golt dein, he hass a golt hiss. Ve, you
or dey haff a golt ours, yours or deirs, as de case may be."


Language is the expression of ideas, and if the people of one country
cannot preserve an identity of ideas, they cannot retain an identity of
language.--_Noah Webster_.




ENGLISHMEN


He who laughs last is an Englishman.--_Princeton Tiger_.


Nat Goodwill was at the club with an English friend and became the
center of an appreciative group. A cigar man offered the comedian a
cigar, saying that it was a new production.

"With each cigar, you understand," the promoter said, "I will give a
coupon, and when you have smoked three thousand of them you may bring
the coupons to me and exchange them for a grand piano."

Nat sniffed the cigar, pinched it gently, and then replied: "If I smoked
three thousand of these cigars I think I would need a harp instead of a
grand piano."

There was a burst of laughter in which the Englishman did not join, but
presently he exploded with merriment. "I see the point" he exclaimed.
"Being an actor, you have to travel around the country a great deal and
a harp would be so much more convenient to carry."




ENTHUSIASM


Theodore Watts, says Charles Rowley in his book "Fifty Years of Work
Without Wages," tells a good story against himself. A nature enthusiast,
he was climbing Snowdon, and overtook an old gypsy woman. He began to
dilate upon the sublimity of the scenery, in somewhat gushing phrases.
The woman paid no attention to him. Provoked by her irresponsiveness, he
said, "You don't seem to care for this magnificent scenery?" She took
the pipe from her mouth and delivered this settler: "I enjies it; I
don't jabber."




EPITAPHS


LITTLE CLARENCE--"Pa!"

HIS FATHER--"Well, my son?"

LITTLE CLARENCE--"I took a walk through the cemetery to-day and read the
inscriptions on the tombstones."

HIS FATHER--"And what were your thoughts after you had done so?"

LITTLE CLARENCE--"Why, pa, I wondered where all the wicked people were
buried."--_Judge_.


The widower had just taken his fourth wife and was showing her around
the village. Among the places visited was the churchyard, and the bride
paused before a very elaborate tombstone that had been erected by the
bridegroom. Being a little nearsighted she asked him to read the
inscription, and in reverent tones he read:

"Here lies Susan, beloved wife of John Smith; also Jane, beloved wife of
John Smith; also Mary, beloved wife of John Smith--"

He paused abruptly, and the bride, leaning forward to see the bottom
line, read, to her horror:

"Be Ye Also Ready."


A man wished to have something original on his wife's headstone and hit
upon, "Lord, she was Thine." He had his own ideas of the size of the
letters and the space between words, and gave instructions to the
stonemason. The latter carried them out all right, except that he could
not get in the "E" in Thine.


In a cemetery at Middlebury, Vt., is a stone, erected by a widow to her
loving husband, bearing this inscription: "Rest in peace--until we meet
again."


An epitaph in an old Moravian cemetery reads thus:

  Remember, friend, as you pass by,
  As you are now, so once was I;
  As I am now thus you must be,
  So be prepared to follow me.

There had been written underneath in pencil, presumably by some wag:

  To follow you I'm not content
  Till I find out which way you went.


I expected it, but I didn't expect it quite so soon.--_Life_.


  After Life's scarlet fever
  I sleep well.


  Here lies the body of Sarah Sexton,
  Who never did aught to vex one.
  (Not like the woman under the next stone.)


As a general thing, the writer of epitaphs is a monumental liar.--_John
E. Rosser_.


      Maria Brown,
  Wife of Timothy Brown,
      aged 80 years.
  She lived with her husband fifty years, and died
  in the confident hope of a better life.


Here lies the body of Enoch Holden, who died suddenly and unexpectedly
by being kicked to death by a cow. Well done, good and faithful servant!


A bereaved husband feeling his loss very keenly found it desirable to
divert his mind by traveling abroad. Before his departure, however, he
left orders for a tombstone with the inscription:

  "The light of my life has gone out."

Travel brought unexpected and speedy relief, and before the time for his
return he had taken another wife. It was then that he remembered the
inscription, and thinking it would not be pleasing to his new wife, he
wrote to the stone-cutter, asking that he exercise his ingenuity in
adapting it to the new conditions. After his return he took his new wife
to see the tombstone and found that the inscription had been made to
read:

  "The light of my life has gone out,
  But I have struck another match."


    Here lies Bernard Lightfoot,
  Who was accidentally killed in the forty-fifth year
    of his age.
  This monument was erected by his grateful family.


  I thought it mushroom when I found
    It in the woods, forsaken;
  But since I sleep beneath this mound,
    I must have been mistaken.



On the tombstone of a Mr. Box appears this inscription:
    Here lies one Box within another.
  The one of wood was very good,
    We cannot say so much for t'other.


  Nobles and heralds by your leave,
    Here lies what once was Matthew Prior;
  The son of Adam and of Eve;
    Can Bourbon or Nassau claim higher?

  --_Prior_.


  Kind reader! take your choice to cry or laugh;
  Here Harold lies-but where's his Epitaph?
  If such you seek, try Westminster, and view
  Ten thousand, just as fit for him as you.

  --_Byron_.


I conceive disgust at these impertinent and misbecoming familiarities
inscribed upon your ordinary tombstone.--_Charles Lamb_.




EPITHETS


John Fiske, the historian, was once interrupted by his wife, who
complained that their son had been very disrespectful to some neighbors.
Mr. Fiske called the youngster into his study.

"My boy, is it true that you called Mrs. Jones a fool?"

The boy hung his head. "Yes, father." "And did you call Mr. Jones a
worse fool?"

"Yes, father."

Mr. Fiske frowned and pondered for a minute. Then he said:

"Well, my son, that is just about the distinction I should make."


"See that man over there. He is a bombastic mutt, a windjammer
nonentity, a false alarm, and an encumberer of the earth!"

"Would you mind writing all that down for me?"

"Why in the world--"

"He's my husband, and I should like to use it on him some time."




EQUALITY


As one of the White Star steamships came up New York harbor the other
day, a grimy coal barge floated immediately in front of her. "Clear out
of the way with that old mud scow!" shouted an officer on the bridge.

A round, sun-browned face appeared over the cabin hatchway. "Are ye the
captain of that vessel?"

"No," answered the officer.

"Then spake to yer equals. I'm the captain o' this!" came from the
barge.




ERMINE


  Said an envious, erudite ermine:
  "There's one thing I cannot determine:
    When a man wears my coat,
    He's a person of note,
  While I'm but a species of vermin!"




ESCAPES


There was once a chap who went skating too early and all of a sudden
that afternoon loud cries for help began to echo among the bleak hills
that surrounded the skating pond.

A farmer, cobbling his boots before his kitchen fire heard the shouts
and yells, and ran to the pond at break-neck speed. He saw a large
black hole in the ice, and a pale young fellow stood with chattering
teeth shoulder-deep in the cold water.

The farmer laid a board on the thin ice and crawled out on it to the
edge of the hole. Then, extending his hand, he said:

"Here, come over this way, and I'll lift you out."

"No, I can't swim," was the impatient reply. "Throw a rope to me. Hurry
up. It's cold in here."

"I ain't got no rope," said the farmer; and he added angrily. "What if
you can't swim you can wade, I guess! The water's only up to your
shoulders."

"Up to my shoulders?" said the young fellow. "It's eight feet deep if
it's an inch. I'm standing on the blasted fat man who broke the ice!"




ETHICS


      My ethical state,
      Were I wealthy and great,
  Is a subject you wish I'd reply on.
      Now who can foresee
      What his morals _might_ be?
  What would yours be if you were a lion?

  --_Martial; tr. by Paul Nixon_.




ETIQUET


A Boston girl the other day said to a southern friend who was visiting
her, as two men rose in a car to give them seats: "Oh, I wish they would
not do it."

"Why not? I think it is very nice of them," said her friend, settling
herself comfortably.

"Yes, but one can't thank them, you know, and it is so awkward."

"Can't thank them! Why not?"

"Why, you would not speak to a strange man, would you?" said the Boston
maiden, to the astonishment of her southern friend.


A little girl on the train to Pittsburgh was chewing gum. Not only that,
but she insisted on pulling it out in long strings and letting it fall
back into her mouth again.

"Mabel!" said her mother in a horrified whisper. "Mabel, don't do that.
Chew your gum like a little lady."


LITTLE BROTHER--"What's etiquet?"

LITTLE BIGGER BROTHER--"It's saying 'No, thank you,' when you want to
holler 'Gimme!'"--_Judge_.


  A Lady there was of Antigua,
  Who said to her spouse, "What a pig you are!"
    He answered, "My queen,
    Is it manners you mean,
  Or do you refer to my figure?"

  --_Gilbert K. Chesterton_.


They were at dinner and the dainties were on the table.

"Will you take tart or pudding?" asked Papa of Tommy.

"Tart," said Tommy promptly.

His father sighed as he recalled the many lessons on manners he had
given the boy.

"Tart, what?" he queried kindly.

But Tommy's eyes were glued on the pastry.

"Tart, what?" asked the father again, sharply this time.

"Tart, first," answered Tommy triumphantly.


TOMMY'S AUNT--"Won't you have another piece of cake, Tommy?"

TOMMY (on a visit)--"No, I thank you."

TOMMY'S AUNT--"You seem to be suffering from loss of appetite."

TOMMY--"That ain't loss of appetite. What I'm sufferin' from is
politeness."


  There was a young man so benighted,
  He never knew when he was slighted;
    He would go to a party,
    And eat just as hearty,
  As if he'd been really invited.




EUROPEAN WAR


OFFICER (as Private Atkins worms his way toward the enemy)--"You fool!
Come back at once!"

TOMMY--"No bally fear, sir! There's a hornet in the trench."--_Punch_.


"You can tell an Englishman nowadays by the way he holds his head up."

"Pride, eh?"

"No, Zeppelin neck."


LITTLE GIRL (who has been sitting very still with a seraphic
expression)--"I wish I was an angel, mother!"

MOTHER--"What makes you say that, darling?"

LITTLE GIRL--"Because then I could drop bombs on the Germans!"--_Punch_.


From a sailor's letter to his wife:

    "Dear Jane,--I am sending you a postal order for 10s., which I
    hope you may get--but you may not--as this letter has to pass
    the Censor."

--_Punch_.


Two country darkies listened, awe-struck, while some planters discussed
the tremendous range of the new German guns.

"Dar now," exclaimed one negro, when his master had finished expatiating
on the hideous havoc wrought by a forty-two-centimeter shell, "jes' lak
I bin tellin' yo' niggehs all de time! Don' le's have no guns lak dem
roun' heah! Why, us niggehs could start runnin' erway, run all day, git
almos' home free, an' den git kilt jus' befo' suppeh!"

"Dat's de trufe," assented his companion, "an' lemme tell yo' sumpin'
else, Bo. All dem guns needs is jus' yo' _ad_-dress, dat's all; jes'
giv' em de _ad_-dress an' they'll git yo'."


_See also_ War.




EVIDENCE


From a crowd of rah-rah college boys celebrating a crew victory, a
policeman had managed to extract two prisoners.

"What is the charge against these young men?" asked the magistrate
before whom they were arraigned.

"Disturbin' the peace, yer honor," said the policeman. "They were givin'
their college yells in the street an' makin' trouble generally."

"What is your name?" the judge asked one of the prisoners.

"Ro-ro-robert Ro-ro-rollins," stuttered the youth.

"I asked for your name, sir, not the evidence."


  Maud Muller, on a summer night,
  Turned down the only parlor light.

  The judge, beside her, whispered things
  Of wedding bells and diamond rings.

  He spoke his love in burning phrase,
  And acted foolish forty ways.

  When he had gone Maud gave a laugh
  And then turned off the dictagraph.

--_Milwaukee Sentinel_.


One day a hostess asked a well known Parisian judge: "Your Honor, which
do you prefer, Burgundy or Bordeaux?"

"Madame, that is a case in which I have so much pleasure in taking the
evidence that I always postpone judgment," was the wily jurist's reply.

_See also_ Courts; Witnesses.




EXAMINATIONS


An instructor in a church school where much attention was paid to sacred
history, dwelt particularly on the phrase "And Enoch was not, for God
took him." So many times was this repeated in connection with the death
of Enoch that he thought even the dullest pupil would answer correctly
when asked in examination: State in the exact language of the Bible what
is said of Enoch's death.

But this was the answer he got:

"Enoch was not what God took him for."


A member of the faculty of the University of Wisconsin tells of some
amusing replies made by a pupil undergoing an examination in English.
The candidate had been instructed to write out examples of the
indicative, the subjunctive, the potential and the exclamatory moods.
His efforts resulted as follows:

"I am endeavoring to pass an English examination. If I answer twenty
questions I shall pass. If I answer twelve questions I may pass. God
help me!"


The following selection of mistakes in examinations may convince almost
any one that there are some peaks of ignorance which he has yet to
climb:

Magna Charta said that the King had no right to bring soldiers into a
lady's house and tell her to mind them.

Panama is a town of Colombo, where they are trying to make an isthmus.

The three highest mountains in Scotland are Ben Nevis, Ben Lomond and
Ben Jonson.

Wolsey saved his life by dying on the way from York to London.

Bigamy is when a man tries to serve two masters.

"Those melodious bursts that fill the spacious days of great Elizabeth"
refers to the songs that Queen Elizabeth used to write in her spare
time.

Tennyson wrote a poem called Grave's Energy.

The Rump Parliament consisted entirely of Cromwell's stalactites.

The plural of spouse is spice.

Queen Elizabeth rode a white horse from Kenilworth through Coventry with
nothing on, and Raleigh offered her his cloak.

The law allowing only one wife is called monotony.

When England was placed under an Interdict the Pope stopped all births,
marriages and deaths for a year.

The Pyramids are a range of mountains between France and Spain.

The gods of the Indians are chiefly Mahommed and Buddha, and in their
spare time they do lots of carving.

Every one needs a holiday from one year's end to another.

The Seven Great Powers of Europe are gravity, electricity, steam, gas,
fly-wheels, and motors, and Mr. Lloyd George.

The hydra was married to Henry VIII. When he cut off her head another
sprung up.

Liberty of conscience means doing wrong and not worrying about it
afterward.

The Habeas Corpus act was that no one need stay in prison longer than he
liked.

Becket put on a camel-air shirt and his life at once became dangerous.

The two races living in the north of Europe are Esquimaux and
Archangels.

Skeleton is what you have left when you take a man's insides out and his
outsides off.

Ellipsis is when you forget to kiss.

A bishop without a diocese is called a suffragette.

Artificial perspiration is the way to make a person alive when they are
only just dead.

A night watchman is a man employed to sleep in the open air.

The tides are caused by the sun drawing the water out and the moon
drawing it in again.

The liver is an infernal organ of the body.

A circle is a line which meets its other end without ending.

Triangles are of three kinds, the equilateral or three-sided, the
quadrilateral or four-sided, and the multilateral or polyglot.

General Braddock was killed in the Revolutionary War. He had three
horses shot under him and a fourth went through his clothes.

A buttress is the wife of a butler.

The young Pretender was so called because it was pretended that he was
born in a frying-pan.

A verb is a word which is used in order to make an exertion.

A Passive Verb is when the subject is the sufferer, e.g., I am loved.

Lord Raleigh was the first man to see the invisible Armada.

A schoolmaster is called a pedigree.

The South of the U. S. A. grows oranges, figs, melons and a great
quantity of preserved fruits, especially tinned meats.

The wife of a Prime Minister is called a Primate.

The Greeks were too thickly populated to be comfortable.

The American war was started because the people would persist in sending
their parcels thru the post without stamps.

Prince William was drowned in a butt of Malmsey wine; he never laughed
again.

The heart is located on the west side of the body.

Richard II is said to have been murdered by some historians; his real
fate is uncertain.

Subjects have a right to partition the king.

A kaiser is a stream of hot water springin' up an' distubin' the earth.

He had nothing left to live for but to die.

Franklin's education was got by himself. He worked himself up to be a
great literal man. He was also able to invent electricity. Franklin's
father was a tallow chandelier.

Monastery is the place for monsters.

Sir Walter Raleigh was put out once when his servant found him with fire
in his head. And one day after there had been a lot of rain, he threw
his cloak in a puddle and the queen stepped dryly over.

The Greeks planted colonists for their food supplies.

Nicotine is so deadly a poison that a drop on the end of a dog's tail
will kill a man.

A mosquito is the child of black and white parents.

An author is a queer animal because his tales (tails) come from his
head.

Wind is air in a hurry.

The people that come to America found Indians, but no people.

Shadows are rays of darkness.

Lincoln wrote the address while riding from Washington to Gettysburg on
an envelope.

Queen Elizabeth was tall and thin, but she was a stout protestant.

An equinox is a man who lives near the north pole.

An abstract noun is something we can think of but cannot feel--as a red
hot poker.

The population of New England is too dry for farming.

Anatomy is the human body, which consists of three parts, the head, the
chist, and the stummick. The head contains the eyes and brains, if any.
The chist contains the lungs and a piece of the liver. The stummick is
devoted to the bowels, of which there are five, a, e, i, o, u, and
sometimes w and y.

Filigree means a list of your descendants.

"The Complete Angler" was written by Euclid because he knew all about
angles.

The imperfect tense in French is used to express a future action in past
time which does not take place at all.

Arabia has many syphoons and very bad ones; It gets into your hair even
with your mouth shut.

The modern name for Gaul is vinegar.

Some of the West India Islands are subject to torpedoes.

The Crusaders were a wild and savage people until Peter the Hermit
preached to them.

On the low coast plains of Mexico yellow fever is very popular.

Louis XVI was gelatined during the French Revolution.

Gender shows whether a man is masculine, feminine, or neuter.

An angle is a triangle with only two sides.

Geometry teaches us how to bisex angels.

Gravitation is that which if there were none we should all fly away.

A vacuum is a large empty space where the Pope lives.

A deacon is the lowest kind of Christian.

Vapor is dried water.

The Salic law is that you must take everything with a grain of salt.

The Zodiac is the Zoo of the sky, where lions, goats and other animals
go after they are dead.

The Pharisees were people who like to show off their goodness by praying
in synonyms.

An abstract noun is something you can't see when you are looking at it.




EXCUSES


The children had been reminded that they must not appear at school the
following week without their application blanks properly filled out as
to names of parents, addresses, dates and place of birth. On Monday
morning Katie Barnes arrived, the tears streaming down her cheeks. "What
is the trouble?" Miss Green inquired, seeking to comfort her. "Oh,"
sobbed the little girl, "I forgot my excuse for being born."


O. Henry always retained the whimsical sense of humor which made him
quickly famous. Shortly before his death he called on the cashier of a
New York publishing house, after vainly writing several times for a
check which had been promised as an advance on his royalties.

"I'm sorry," explained the cashier, "but Mr. Blank, who signs the
checks, is laid up with a sprained ankle."

"But, my dear sir," expostulated the author, "does he sign them with his
feet?"


Strolling along the boardwalk at Atlantic City, Mr. Mulligan, the
wealthy retired contractor, dropped a quarter through a crack in the
planking. A friend came along a minute later and found him squatted
down, industriously poking a two dollar bill through the treacherous
cranny with his forefinger.

"Mulligan, what the divvil ar-re ye doin'?" inquired the friend.

"Sh-h," said Mr. Mulligan, "I'm tryin' to make it wort' me while to tear
up this board."


A captain, inspecting his company one morning, came to an Irishman who
evidently had not shaved for several days.

"Doyle," he asked, "how is it that you haven't shaved this morning?"

"But Oi did, sor."

"How dare you tell me that with the beard you have on your face?"

"Well, ye see, sor," stammered Doyle, "there wus nine of us to one small
bit uv a lookin'-glass, an' it must be thot in th' gineral confusion Oi
shaved some other man's face."


"Is that you, dear?" said a young husband over the telephone. "I just
called up to say that I'm afraid I won't be able to get home to dinner
to-night, as I am detained at the office."

"You poor dear," answered the wife sympathetically. "I don't wonder. I
don't see how you manage to get anything done at all with that orchestra
playing in your office. Good-by."


"What is the matter, dearest?" asked the mother of a small girl who had
been discovered crying in the hall.

"Somfing awful's happened, Mother."

"Well, what is it, sweetheart?"

"My d'doll-baby got away from me and broked a plate in the pantry."


A poor casual laborer, working on a scaffolding, fell five stories to
the ground. As his horrified mates rushed down pell-mell to his aid, he
picked himself up, uninjured, from a great, soft pile of sand.

"Say, fellers," he murmured anxiously, "is the boss mad? Tell him I had
to come down anyway for a ball of twine."


Cephas is a darky come up from Maryland to a border town in
Pennsylvania, where he has established himself as a handy man to do odd
jobs. He is a good worker, and sober, but there are certain proclivities
of his which necessitate a pretty close watch on him. Not long ago he
was caught with a chicken under his coat, and was haled to court to
explain its presence there.

"Now, Cephas," said the judge very kindly, "you have got into a new
place, and you ought to have new habits. We have been good to you and
helped you, and while we like you as a sober and industrious worker,
this other business cannot be tolerated. Why did you take Mrs. Gilkie's
chicken?"

Cephas was stumped, and he stood before the majesty of the law, rubbing
his head and looking ashamed of himself. Finally he answered:

"Deed, I dunno, Jedge," he explained, "ceptin' 't is dat chickens is
chickens and niggers is niggers."


GRANDMA--"Johnny, I have discovered that you have taken more maple-sugar
than I gave you."

JOHNNY--"Yes, Grandma, I've been making believe there was another little
boy spending the day with me."


Mr. X was a prominent member of the B.P.O.E. At the breakfast table the
other morning he was relating to his wife an incident that occurred at
the lodge the previous night. The president of the order offered a silk
hat to the brother who could stand up and truthfully say that during his
married life he had never kissed any woman but his own wife. "And, would
you believe it, Mary?--not a one stood up." "George," his wife said,
"why didn't you stand up?" "Well," he replied, "I was going to, but I
know I look like hell in a silk hat."


  And oftentimes excusing of a fault
  Doth make the fault the worse by the excuse,
  As patches set upon a little breach,
  Discredit more in hiding of the fault
  Than did the fault before it was so patched.

  --_Shakespeare_.




EXPOSURE


TRAMP--"Lady, I'm dying from exposure."

WOMAN--"Are you a tramp, politician or financier?"--_Judge_.




EXTORTION


_See_ Dressmakers.




EXTRAVAGANCE

  There was a young girl named O'Neill,
  Who went up in the great Ferris wheel;
    But when half way around
    She looked at the ground,
  And it cost her an eighty-cent meal.


Everybody knew that John Polkinhorn was the carelessest man in town, but
nobody ever thought he was careless enough to marry Susan Rankin,
seeing that he had known her for years. For awhile they got along fairly
well but one day after five years of it John hung himself in the attic,
where Susan used to dry the wash on rainy days, and a carpenter, who
went up to the roof to do some repairs, found him there. He told Susan,
and Susan hurried up to see about it, and, sure enough, the carpenter
was right. She stood looking at her late husband for about a
minute--kind of dazed, the carpenter thought--then she spoke.

"Well, I declare!" she exclaimed. "If he hasn't used my new
clothes-line, and the old would have done every bit as well! But, of
course, that's just like John Polkinhorn."


"The editor of my paper," declared the newspaper business manager to a
little coterie of friends, "is a peculiar genius. Why, would you believe
it, when he draws his weekly salary he keeps out only one dollar for
spending money and sends the rest to his wife in Indianapolis!"

His listeners--with one exception, who sat silent and reflective--gave
vent to loud murmurs of wonder and admiration.

"Now, it may sound thin," added the speaker, "but it is true,
nevertheless."

"Oh, I don't doubt it at all!" quickly rejoined the quiet one; "I was
only wondering what he does with the dollar!"


An Irish soldier was recently given leave of absence the morning after
pay day. When his leave expired he didn't appear. He was brought at last
before the commandant for sentence, and the following dialogue is
recorded:

"Well, Murphy, you look as if you had had a severe engagement."

"Yes, sur."

"Have you any money left?"

"No, sur."

"You had $35 when you left the fort, didn't you?"

"Yes, sur."

"What did you do with it?"

"Well, sur, I was walking along and I met a friend, and we went into a
place and spint $8. Thin we came out and I met another friend and we
spint $8 more, and thin I come out and we met another friend and we
spint $8 more, and thin we come out and we met another bunch of friends,
and I spint $8 more--and thin I come home."

"But, Murphy, that makes only $32. What did you do with the other $3?"
Murphy thought. Then he shook his head slowly and said:

"I dunno, colonel, I reckon I must have squandered that money
foolishly."




FAILURES


Little Ikey came up to his father with a very solemn face. "Is it true,
father," he asked, "that marriage is a failure?"

His father surveyed him thoughtfully for a moment. "Well, Ikey," he
finally replied, "If you get a rich wife, it's almost as good as a
failure."




FAITH


Faith is that quality which leads a man to expect that his flowers and
garden will resemble the views shown on the seed packets.--_Country Life
in America_.


"What is faith, Johnny?" asks the Sunday school teacher.

"Pa says," answers Johnny, "that it's readin' in the papers that the
price o' things has come down, an expectin' to find it true when the
bills comes in."


Faith is believing the dentist when he says it isn't going to hurt.


"As I understand it, Doctor, if I believe I'm well, I'll be well. Is
that the idea?"

"It is."

"Then, if you believe you are paid, I suppose you'll be paid."

"Not necessarily."

"But why shouldn't faith work as well in one case as in the other?"

"Why, you see, there is considerable difference between having faith in
Providence and having faith in you."--_Horace Zimmerman_.


Mother had been having considerable argument with her infant daughter as
to whether the latter was going to be left alone in a dark room to go to
sleep. As a clincher, the mother said: "There is no reason at all why
you should be afraid. Remember that God is here all the time, and,
besides, you have your dolly. Now go to sleep like a good little girl."
Twenty minutes later a wail came from upstairs, and mother went to the
foot of the stairs to pacify her daughter. "Don't cry," she said;
"remember what I told you--God is there with you and you have your
dolly." "But I don't want them," wailed the baby; "I want you, muvver; I
want somebody here that has got a skin face on them."


  Faith is a fine invention
    For gentlemen who see;
  But Microscopes are prudent
    In an emergency.

  --_Emily Dickinson_.




FAITHFULNESS


A wizened little Irishman applied for a job loading a ship. At first
they said he was too small, but he finally persuaded them to give him a
trial. He seemed to be making good, and they gradually increased the
size of his load until on the last trip he was carrying a 300-pound
anvil under each arm. When he was half-way across the gangplank it broke
and the Irishman fell in. With a great splashing and spluttering he came
to the surface.

"T'row me a rope, I say!" he shouted again. Once more he sank. A third
time he rose struggling.

"Say!" he spluttered angrily, "if one uv you shpalpeens don't hurry up
an' t'row me a rope I'm goin' to drop one uv these damn t'ings!"




FAME


Fame is the feeling that you are the constant subject of admiration on
the part of people who are not thinking of you.


Many a man thinks he has become famous when he has merely happened to
meet an editor who was hard up for material.


Were not this desire of fame very strong, the difficulty of obtaining
it, and the danger of losing it when obtained, would be sufficient to
deter a man from so vain a pursuit.--_Addison_.




FAMILIES


"Yes, sir, our household represents the United Kingdom of Great
Britain," said the proud father of number one to the rector. "I am
English, my wife's Irish, the nurse is Scotch and the baby wails."


Mrs. O'Flarity is a scrub lady, and she had been absent from her duties
for several days. Upon her return her employer asked her the reason for
her absence.

"Sure, I've been carin' for wan of me sick children," she replied.

"And how many children have you, Mrs. O'Flarity?" he asked.

"Siven in all," she replied. "Four by the third wife of me second
husband; three by the second wife of me furst."


A man descended from an excursion train and was wearily making his way
to the street-car, followed by his wife and fourteen children, when a
policeman touched him on the shoulder and said:

"Come along wid me."

"What for?"

"Blamed if I know; but when ye're locked up I'll go back and find out
why that crowd was following ye."




FAREWELLS


  Happy are we met, Happy have we been,
  Happy may we part, and Happy meet again.


A dear old citizen went to the cars the other day to see his daughter
off on a journey. Securing her a seat he passed out of the car and went
around to the car window to say a last parting word. While he was
leaving the car the daughter crossed the aisle to speak to a friend, and
at the same time a grim old maid took the seat and moved up to the
window.

Unaware of the change the old gentleman hurriedly put his head up to the
window and said: "One more kiss, pet."

In another instant the point of a cotton umbrella was thrust from the
window, followed by the wrathful injunction: "Scat, you gray-headed
wretch!"


"I am going to make my farewell tour in Shakespeare. What shall be the
play? Hamlet? Macbeth?"

"This is your sixth farewell tour, I believe."

"Well, yes."

"I would suggest 'Much Adieu About Nothing'."


  "Farewell!"
  For in that word--that fatal word--howe'er
  We promise--hope--believe--there breathes despair.

  --_Byron_.




FASHION


There are two kinds of women: The fashionable ones and those who are
comfortable.--_Tom P. Morgan_.


There had been a dressmaker in the house and Minnie had listened to long
discussions about the very latest fashions. That night when she said her
prayers, she added a new petition, uttered with unwonted fervency:

"And, dear Lord, please make us all very stylish."


  Nothing is thought rare
  Which is not new, and follow'd; yet we know
  That what was worn some twenty years ago
  Comes into grace again.

  --_Beaumont and Fletcher_.


As good be out of the World as out of the Fashion.--_Colley Cibber_.




FATE


  Fate hit me very hard one day.
  I cried: "What is my fault?
  What have I done? What causes, pray,
  This unprovoked assault?"
  She paused, then said: "Darned if I know;
  I really can't explain."
  Then just before she turned to go
  She whacked me once again!

  --_La Touche Hancock_.


  So in the Libyan fable it is told
  That once an eagle stricken with a dart,
  Said, when he saw the fashion of the shaft,
  "With our own feathers, not by others' hands,
  Are we now smitten."

  --_Aeschylus_.




FATHERS


A director of one of the great transcontinental railroads was showing
his three-year-old daughter the pictures in a work on natural history.
Pointing to a picture of a zebra, he asked the baby to tell him what it
represented. Baby answered "Coty."

Pointing to a picture of a tiger in the same way, she answered "Kitty."
Then a lion, and she answered "Doggy." Elated with her seeming quick
perception, he then turned to the picture of a Chimpanzee and said:

"Baby, what is this?"

"Papa."




FAULTS


  Women's faults are many,
    Men have only two--
  Everything they say,
    And everything they do.

  --_Le Crabbe_.




FEES


_See_ Tips.




FEET


BIG MAN (with a grouch)--"Will you be so kind as to get off my feet?"

LITTLE MAN (with a bundle)--"I'll try, sir. Is it much of a walk?"




FIGHTING


"Who gave ye th' black eye, Jim?"

"Nobody give it t' me; I had t' fight fer it."--_Life_.


"There! You have a black eye, and your nose is bruised, and your coat is
torn to bits," said Mamma, as her youngest appeared at the door. "How
many times have I told you not to play with that bad Jenkins boy?"

"Now, look here, Mother," said Bobby, "do I look as if we'd been
playing?"


Two of the leading attorneys of Memphis, who had been warm friends for
years, happened to be opposing counsel in a case some time ago. The
older of the two was a man of magnificent physique, almost six feet
four, and built in proportion, while the younger was barely five feet
and weighed not more than ninety pounds.

In the course of his argument the big man unwittingly made some remark
that aroused the ire of his small adversary. A moment later he felt a
great pulling and tugging at his coat tails. Looking down, he was
greatly astonished to see his opponent wildly gesticulating and dancing
around him.

"What on earth are you trying to do there, Dudley?" he asked.

"By Gawd, suh, I'm fightin', suh!"


An Irishman boasted that he could lick any man in Boston, yes,
Massachusetts, and finally he added New England. When he came to, he
said: "I tried to cover too much territory."


"Dose Irish make me sick, alvays talking about vat gread fighders dey
are," said a Teutonic resident of Hoboken, with great contempt. "Vhy, at
Minna's vedding der odder night dot drunken Mike O'Hooligan butted in,
und me und mein bruder, und mein cousin Fritz und mein frient Louie
Hartmann--vhy, we pretty near kicked him oudt of der house!"


VILLAGE GROCER--"What are you running for, sonny?"

BOY--"I'm tryin' to keep two fellers from fightin'."

VILLAGE GROCER--"Who are the fellows?"

BOY--"Bill Perkins and me!"--_Puck_.


An aged, gray-haired and very wrinkled old woman, arrayed in the
outlandish calico costume of the mountains, was summoned as a witness in
court to tell what she knew about a fight in her house. She took the
witness-stand with evidences of backwardness and proverbial Bourbon
verdancy. The Judge asked her in a kindly voice what took place. She
insisted it did not amount to much, but the Judge by his persistency
finally got her to tell the story of the bloody fracas.

"Now, I tell ye, Jedge, it didn't amount to nuthn'. The fust I knowed
about it was when Bill Saunder called Tom Smith a liar, en Tom knocked
him down with a stick o' wood. One o' Bill's friends then cut Tom with a
knife, slicin' a big chunk out o' him. Then Sam Jones, who was a friend
of Tom's, shot the other feller and two more shot him, en three or four
others got cut right smart by somebody. That nachly caused some
excitement, Jedge, en then they commenced fightin'."


"Do you mean to say such a physical wreck as he gave you that black
eye?" asked the magistrate.

"Sure, your honor, he wasn't a physical wreck till after he gave me the
black eye," replied the complaining wife.--_London Telegraph_.


A pessimistic young man dining alone in a restaurant ordered broiled
live lobster. When the waiter put it on the table it was obviously minus
one claw. The pessimistic young man promptly kicked. The waiter said it
was unavoidable--there had been a fight in the kitchen between two
lobsters. The other one had torn off one of the claws of this lobster
and had eaten it. The young man pushed the lobster over toward the
waiter. "Take it away," he said wearily, "and bring me the winner."


There never was a good war or a bad peace.--_Benjamin Franklin_.


The master-secret in fighting is to strike once, but in the right
place.--_John C. Snaith_.




FINANCE


  Willie had a savings bank;
  'Twas made of painted tin.
  He passed it 'round among the boys,
  Who put their pennies in.

  Then Willie wrecked that bank and bought
  Sweetmeats and chewing gum.
  And to the other envious lads
  He never offered some.

  "What will we do?" his mother said:
  "It is a sad mischance."
  His father said: "We'll cultivate
  His gift for high finance."

  --_Washington Star_.


HICKS--"I've got to borrow $200 somewhere."

WICKS--"Take my advice and borrow $300 while you are about it."

"But I only need $200."

"That doesn't make any difference. Borrow $300 and pay back $100 of it
in two installments at intervals of a month or so. Then the man that you
borrow from will think he is going to get the rest of it."


It is said J. P. Morgan could raise $10,000,000 on his check any minute;
but the man who is raising a large family on $9 a week is a greater
financier than Morgan.


To modernize an old prophecy, "out of the mouths of babes shall come
much worldly wisdom." Mr. K. has two boys whom he dearly loves. One day
he gave each a dollar to spend. After much bargaining, they brought home
a wonderful four-wheeled steamboat and a beautiful train of cars. For
awhile the transportation business flourished, and all was well, but one
day Craig explained to his father that while business had been good, he
could do much better if he only had the capital to buy a train of cars
like Joe's. His arguments must have been good, for the money was
forthcoming. Soon after, little Toe, with probably less logic but more
loving, became possessed of a dollar to buy a steamboat like Craig's.
But Mr. K., who had furnished the additional capital, looked in vain for
the improved service. The new rolling stock was not in evidence, and
explanations were vague and unsatisfactory, as is often the case in the
railroad game at which men play. It took a stern court of inquiry to
develop the fact that the railroad and steamship had simply changed
hands--and at a mutual profit of one hundred per cent. And Mr. K., as he
told his neighbor, said it was worth that much to know that his boys
would not need much of a legacy from him.--_P.A. Kershaw_.


An old artisan who prided himself on his ability to drive a close
bargain contracted to paint a huge barn in the neighborhood for the
small sum of twelve dollars.

"Why on earth did you agree to do it for so little?" his brother
inquired.

"Well," said the old painter, "you see, the owner is a mighty unreliable
man. If I'd said I'd charge him twenty-five dollars, likely he'd have
only paid me nineteen. And if I charge him twelve dollars, he may not
pay me but nine. So I thought it over, and decided to paint it for
twelve dollars, so I wouldn't lose so much."




FINGER-BOWLS


MISTRESS (to new servant)--"Why, Bridget, this is the third time I've
had to tell you about the finger-bowls. Didn't the lady you last worked
for have them on the table?"

BRIDGET--"No, mum; her friends always washed their hands before they
came."




FIRE DEPARTMENTS


Clang, clatter, bang! Down the street came the fire engines.

Driving along ahead, oblivious of any danger, was a farmer in a
ramshackle old buggy. A policeman yelled at him: "Hi there, look out!
The fire department's coming."

Turning in by the curb the farmer watched the hose cart, salvage wagon
and engine whiz past. Then he turned out into the street again and drove
on. Barely had he started when the hook and ladder came tearing along.
The rear wheel of the big truck slewed into the farmer's buggy, smashing
it to smithereens and sending the farmer sprawling into the gutter. The
policeman ran to his assistance.

"Didn't I tell ye to keep out of the way?" he demanded crossly. "Didn't
I tell ye the fire department was comin"?"

"Wall, consarn ye," said the peeved farmer, "I _did_ git outer the way
for th' fire department. But what in tarnation was them drunken painters
in sech an all-fired hurry fer?"


Two Irishmen fresh from Ireland had just landed in New York and engaged
a room in the top story of a hotel. Mike, being very sleepy, threw
himself on the bed and was soon fast asleep. The sights were so new and
strange to Pat that he sat at the window looking out. Soon an alarm of
fire was rung in and a fire-engine rushed by throwing up sparks of fire
and clouds of smoke. This greatly excited Pat, who called to his comrade
to get up and come to the window, but Mike was fast asleep. Another
engine soon followed the first, spouting smoke and fire like the former.
This was too much for poor Pat, who rushed excitedly to the bedside, and
shaking his friend called loudly:

"Mike, Mike, wake up! They are moving Hell, and two loads have gone by
already."




FIRE ESCAPES


Fire escape: A steel stairway on the exterior of a building, erected
after a FIRE to ESCAPE the law.




FIRES


"Ikey, I hear you had a fire last Thursday."

"Sh! Next Thursday."




FIRST AID IN ILLNESS AND INJURY


The father of the family hurried to the telephone and called up the
family physician. "Our little boy is sick, Doctor," he said, "so please
come at once."

"I can't get over much under an hour," said the doctor.

"Oh please do, Doctor. You see, my wife has a book on 'What to Do Before
the Doctor Comes,' and I'm so afraid she'll do it before you get here!"


NURSE GIRL--"Oh, ma'am, what shall I do? The twins have fallen down the
well!"

FOND PARENT--"Dear me! how annoying! Just go into the library and get
the last number of _The Modern Mother's Magazine_; it contains an
article on 'How to Bring Up Children.'"


SURGEON AT NEW YORK HOSPITAL--"What brought you to this dreadful
condition? Were you run over by a street-car?"

PATIENT--"No, sir; I fainted, and was brought to by a member of the
Society of First Aid to the Injured."--_Life_.


A prominent physician was recently called to his telephone by a colored
woman formerly in the service of his wife. In great agitation the woman
advised the physician that her youngest child was in a bad way.

"What seems to be the trouble?" asked the doctor.

"Doc, she done swallered a bottle of ink!"

"I'll be over there in a short while to see her," said the doctor. "Have
you done anything for her?"

"I done give her three pieces o' blottin'-paper, Doc," said the colored
woman doubtfully.




FISH


A man went into a restaurant recently and said, "Give me a half dozen
fried oysters."

"Sorry, sah," answered the waiter, "but we's all out o' shell fish, sah,
'ceptin' eggs."


Little Elizabeth and her mother were having luncheon together, and the
mother, who always tried to impress facts upon her young daughter, said:

"These little sardines, Elizabeth, are sometimes eaten by the larger
fish."

Elizabeth gazed at the sardines in wonder, and then asked:

"But, mother, how do the large fish get the cans open?"




FISHERMEN


At the birth of President Cleveland's second child no scales could be
found to weigh the baby. Finally the scales that the President always
used to weigh the fish he caught on his trips were brought up from the
cellar, and the child was found to weigh twenty-five pounds.


"Doin' any good?" asked the curious individual on the bridge.

"Any good?" answered the fisherman, in the creek below. "Why I caught
forty bass out o' here yesterday."

"Say, do you know who I am?" asked the man on the bridge.

The fisherman replied that he did not.

"Well, I am the county fish and game warden."

The angler, after a moment's thought, exclaimed, "Say, do you know who I
am?"

"No," the officer replied.

"Well, I'm the biggest liar in eastern Indiana," said the crafty angler,
with a grin.


A young lady who had returned from a tour through Italy with her father
informed a friend that he liked all the Italian cities, but most of all
he loved Venice.

"Ah, Venice, to be sure!" said the friend. "I can readily understand
that your father would like Venice, with its gondolas, and St. Markses
and Michelangelos."

"Oh, no," the young lady interrupted, "it wasn't that. He liked it
because he could sit in the hotel and fish from the window."


Smith the other day went fishing. He caught nothing, so on his way back
home he telephoned to his provision dealer to send a dozen of bass
around to his house.

He got home late himself. His wife said to him on his arrival:

"Well, what luck?"

"Why, splendid luck, of course," he replied. "Didn't the boy bring that
dozen bass I gave him?"

Mrs. Smith started. Then she smiled.

"Well, yes, I suppose he did," she said. "There they are."

And she showed poor Smith a dozen bottles of Bass's ale.


"You'll be a man like one of us some day," said the patronizing
sportsman to a lad who was throwing his line into the same stream.

"Yes, sir," he answered, "I s'pose I will some day, but I b'lieve I'd
rather stay small and ketch a few fish."


The more worthless a man, the more fish he can catch.


As no man is born an artist, so no man is born an angler.--_Izaak
Walton_.




FISHING


A man was telling some friends about a proposed fishing trip to a lake
in Colorado which he had in contemplation.

"Are there any trout out there?" asked one friend.

"Thousands of 'em," replied Mr. Wharry.

"Will they bite easily?" asked another friend.

"Will they?" said Mr. Wharry. "Why they're absolutely vicious. A man has
to hide behind a tree to bait a hook."


"I got a bite--I got a bite!" sang out a tiny girl member of a fishing
party. But when an older brother hurriedly drew in the line there was
only a bare hook. "Where's the fish?" he asked. "He unbit and div," said
the child.


The late Justice Brewer was with a party of New York friends on a
fishing trip in the Adirondacks, and around the camp fire one evening
the talk naturally ran on big fish. When it came his turn the jurist
began, uncertain as to how he was going to come out:

"We were fishing one time on the Grand Banks for--er--for--"

"Whales," somebody suggested.

"No," said the Justice, "we were baiting with whales."


"Lo, Jim! Fishin'?"

"Naw; drowning worms."


We may say of angling as Dr. Boteler said of strawberries: "Doubtless
God could have made a better berry, but doubtless God never did"; and so
(if I might be judge), God never did make a more calm, quiet, innocent
recreation than angling.--_Izaak Walton_.




FLATS


"Hello, Tom, old man, got your new flat fitted up yet?"

"Not quite," answered the friend. "Say, do you know where I can buy a
folding toothbrush?"


She hadn't told her mother yet of their first quarrel, but she took
refuge in a flood of tears.

"Before we were married you said you'd lay down your life for me," she
sobbed.

"I know it," he returned solemnly; "but this confounded flat is so tiny
that there's no place to lay anything down."




FLATTERY


With a sigh she laid down the magazine article upon Daniel O'Connell.
"The day of great men," she said, "is gone forever."

"But the day of beautiful women is not," he responded.

She smiled and blushed. "I was only joking," she explained, hurriedly.


MAGISTRATE (about to commit for trial)--"You certainly effected the
robbery in a remarkably ingenious way; in fact, with quite exceptional
cunning."

PRISONER--"Now, yer honor, no flattery, please; no flattery, I begs
yer."


OLD MAID--"But why should a great strong man like you be found begging?"

WAYFARER--"Dear lady, it is the only profession I know in which a
gentleman can address a beautiful woman without an introduction."


William ---- was said to be the ugliest, though the most lovable, man in
Louisiana. On returning to the plantation after a short absence, his
brother said:

"Willie, I met in New Orleans a Mrs. Forrester who is a great admirer of
yours. She said, though, that it wasn't so much the brillancy of your
mental attainments as your marvelous physical and facial beauty which
charmed and delighted her."

"Edmund," cried William earnestly, "that is a wicked lie, but tell it to
me again!"


"You seem to be an able-bodied man. You ought to be strong enough to
work."

"I know, mum. And you seem to be beautiful enough to go on the stage,
but evidently you prefer the simple life."

After that speech he got a square meal and no reference to the woodpile.


      O, that men's ears should be
  To counsel deaf, but not to flattery!

  --_Shakespeare_.




FLIES


_See_ Pure food.




FLIRTATION


It sometimes takes a girl a long time to learn that a flirtation is
attention without intention.


"There's a belief that summer girls are always fickle."

"Yes, I got engaged on that theory, but it looks as if I'm in for a
wedding or a breach of promise suit."


A teacher in one of the primary grades of the public school had noticed
a striking platonic friendship that existed between Tommy and little
Mary, two of her pupils.

Tommy was a bright enough youngster, but he wasn't disposed to prosecute
his studies with much energy, and his teacher said that unless he
stirred himself before the end of the year he wouldn't be promoted.

"You must study harder," she told him, "or you won't pass. How would you
like to stay back in this class another year and have little Mary go
ahead of you?"

"Ah," said Tommy. "I guess there'll be other little Marys."




FLOWERS


Lulu was watching her mother working among the flowers. "Mama, I know
why flowers grow," she said; "they want to get out of the dirt."




FOOD


A man went into a southern restaurant not long ago and asked for a piece
of old-fashioned Washington pie. The waiter, not understanding and yet
unwilling to concede his lack of knowledge, brought the customer a piece
of chocolate cake.

"No, no, my friend," said the smiling man. "I meant _George_ Washington,
not _Booker_ Washington."


One day a pastor was calling upon a dear old lady, one of the "pillars"
of the church to which they both belonged. As he thought of her long and
useful life, and looked upon her sweet, placid countenance bearing but
few tokens of her ninety-two years of earthly pilgrimage, he was moved
to ask her, "My dear Mrs. S., what has been the chief source of your
strength and sustenance during all these years? What has appealed to you
as the real basis of your unusual vigor of mind and body, and has been
to you an unfailing comfort through joy and sorrow? Tell me, that I may
pass the secret on to others, and, if possible, profit by it myself."

The old lady thought a moment, then lifting her eyes, dim with age, yet
kindling with sweet memories of the past, answered briefly,
"Victuals."--_Sarah L. Tenney_.


A girl reading in a paper that fish was excellent brain-food wrote to
the editor:

_Dear Sir_: Seeing as you say how fish is good for the brains, what kind
of fish shall I eat?

To this the editor replied:

_Dear Miss_: Judging from the composition of your letter I should advise
you to eat a whale.


A hungry customer seated himself at a table in a quick-lunch restaurant
and ordered a chicken pie. When it arrived he raised the lid and sat
gazing at the contents intently for a while. Finally he called the
waiter.

"Look here, Sam," he said, "what did I order?"

"Chicken pie, sah."

"And what have you brought me?"

"Chicken pie, sah."

"Chicken pie, you black rascal!" the customer replied. "Chicken pie?
Why, there's not a piece of chicken in it, and never was."

"Dat's right, boss--dey ain't no chicken in it."

"Then why do you call it chicken pie? I never heard of such a thing."

"Dat's all right, boss. Dey don't have to be no chicken in a chicken
pie. Dey ain't no dog in a dog biscuit, is dey?"


_See also_ Dining.




FOOTBALL


His SISTER--"His nose seems broken."

His FIANCEE--"And he's lost his front teeth."

His MOTHER--"But he didn't drop the ball!"--_Life_.




FORDS


A boy stood with one foot on the sidewalk and the other on the step of a
Ford automobile. A playmate passed him, looked at his position, then
sang out: "Hey, Bobbie, have you lost your other skate?"


A farmer noticing a man in automobile garb standing in the road and
gazing upward, asked him if he were watching the birds.

"No," he answered, "I was cranking my Ford car and my hand slipped off
and the thing got away and went straight up in the air."




FORECASTING


A lady in a southern town was approached by her colored maid.

"Well, Jenny?" she asked, seeing that something was in the air.

"Please, Mis' Mary, might I have the aft'noon off three weeks frum
Wednesday?" Then, noticing an undecided look in her mistress's face, she
added hastily--"I want to go to my finance's fun'ral."

"Goodness me," answered the lady--"Your finance's funeral! Why, you
don't know that he's even going to die, let alone the date of his
funeral. That is something we can't any of us be sure about--when we are
going to die."

"Yes'm," said the girl doubtfully. Then, with a triumphant note in her
voice--"I'se sure about him, Mis', 'cos he's goin' to be hung!"




FORESIGHT


"They tell me you're working 'ard night an' day, Sarah?" her bosom
friend Ann said.

"Yes," returned Sarah. "I'm under bonds to keep the peace for pullin'
the whiskers out of that old scoundrel of a husban' of mine, and the
Magistrate said that if I come afore 'im ag'in, or laid me 'ands on the
old man, he'd fine me forty shillin's!"

"And so you're working 'ard to keep out of mischief?"

"Not much; I'm workin' 'ard to save up the fine!"


"Mike, I wish I knew where I was goin' to die. I'd give a thousand
dollars to know the place where I'm goin' to die."

"Well, Pat, what good would it do if yez knew?"

"Lots," said Pat. "Shure I'd never go near that place."


  There once was a pious young priest,
  Who lived almost wholly on yeast;
    "For," he said, "it is plain
    We must all rise again,
  And I want to get started, at least."




FORGETFULNESS


_See_ Memory.




FORTUNE HUNTERS


HER FATHER--"So my daughter has consented to become your wife. Have you
fixed the day of the wedding?"

SUITOR--"I will leave that to my fiancée."

H.F.--"Will you have a church or a private wedding?"

S.--"Her mother can decide that, sir."

H.F.--"What have you to live on?"

S.--"I will leave that entirely to you, sir."


The London consul of a continental kingdom was informed by his
government that one of his countrywomen, supposed to be living in Great
Britain, had been left a large fortune. After advertising without
result, he applied to the police, and a smart young detective was set to
work. A few weeks later his chief asked how he was getting on.

"I've found the lady, sir."

"Good! Where is she?"

"At my place. I married her yesterday."


"I would die for you," said the rich suitor.

"How soon?" asked the practical girl.


HE--"I'd like to meet Miss Bond."

SHE--"Why?"

"I hear she has thirty thousand a year and no incumbrance."

"Is she looking for one?"--_Life_.


MAUDE--"I've just heard of a case where a man married a girl on his
deathbed so she could have his millions when he was gone. Could you love
a girl like that?"

JACK--"That's just the kind of a girl I could love. What's her address?"


"Yes," said the old man to his young visitor, "I am proud of my girls,
and would like to see them comfortably married, and as I have made a
little money they will not go penniless to their husbands. There is
Mary, twenty-five years old, and a really good girl. I shall give her
$1,000 when she marries. Then comes Bet, who won't see thirty-five
again, and I shall give her $3,000, and the man who takes Eliza, who is
forty, will have $5,000 with her."

The young man reflected for a moment and then inquired: "You haven't one
about fifty, have you?"




FOUNTAIN PENS


"Fust time you've ever milked a cow, is it?" said Uncle Josh to his
visiting nephew. "Wal, y' do it a durn sight better'n most city fellers
do."

"It seems to come natural somehow," said the youth, flushing with
pleasure. "I've had a good deal of practice with a fountain pen."


"Percy" asks if we know anything which will change the color of the
fingers when they have become yellow from cigarette smoking.

He might try using one of the inferior makes of fountain pens.




FOURTH OF JULY


"You are in favor of a safe and sane Fourth of July?"

"Yes," replied Mr. Growcher. "We ought to have that kind of a day at
least once a year."


One Fourth of July night in London, the Empire Music Hall advertised
special attractions to American visitors. All over the auditorium the
Union Jack and Stars and Stripes enfolded one another, and at the
interludes were heard "Yankee Doodle" and "Hail Columbia," while a
quartette sang "Down upon the Swanee River." It was an occasion to swell
the heart of an exiled patriot. Finally came the turn of the Human
Encyclopedia, who advanced to the front of the stage and announced
himself ready to answer, sight unseen, all questions the audience might
propound. A volley of queries was fired at him, and the Encyclopedia
breathlessly told the distance of the earth from Mars, the number of
bones in the human skeleton, of square miles in the British Empire, and
other equally important facts. There was a brief pause, in which an
American stood up.

"What great event took place July 4, 1776?" he propounded in a loud glad
voice.

The Human Encyclopedia glared at him. "Th' hincident you speak of, sir,
was a hinfamous houtrage!"




FREAKS


_See_ Husbands.




FREE THOUGHT


TOMMY--"Pop, what is a freethinker?"

POP--"A freethinker, my son, is any man who isn't married."




FRENCH LANGUAGE


"I understand you speak French like a native."

"No," replied the student; "I've got the grammar and the accent down
pretty fine. But it's hard to learn the gestures."


In Paris last summer a southern girl was heard to drawl between the acts
of "Chantecler": "I think it's mo' fun when you don't understand French.
It sounds mo' like chickens!"--_Life_.




FRESHMEN


_See_ College Students.




FRIENDS


  The Lord gives our relatives,
  Thank God we can choose our friends.


"Father."

"Well, what is it?"

"It says here, 'A man is known by the company he keeps.'
Is that so, Father?"

"Yes, yes, yes."

"Well, Father, if a good man keeps company with a bad
man, is the good man bad because he keeps company with the
bad man, and is the bad man good because he keeps company
with the good man?"--_Punch_.


  Here's champagne to our real friends.
  And real pain to our sham friends.


    It's better to make friends fast
    Than to make fast friends.


Some friends are a habit--some a luxury.


A friend is one who overlooks your virtues and appreciates your faults.




FRIENDS, SOCIETY OF


A visitor to Philadelphia, unfamiliar with the garb of the Society of
Friends, was much interested in two demure and placid Quakeresses who
took seats directly behind her in the Broad Street Station. After a few
minutes' silence she was somewhat startled to hear a gentle voice
inquire: "Sister Kate, will thee go to the counter and have a milk punch
on me?"--_Carolina Lockhart_.



FRIENDSHIP


Friendly may we part and quickly meet again.


  There's fellowship
  In every sip
  Of friendship's brew.


May we all travel through the world and sow it thick with friendship.


  Here's to the four hinges of Friendship--
  Swearing, Lying, Stealing and Drinking.
  When you swear, swear by your country;
  When you lie, lie for a pretty woman,
  When you steal, steal away from bad company
  And when you drink, drink with me.


The trouble with having friends is the upkeep.


"Brown volunteered to lend me money."

"Did you take it?"

"No. That sort of friendship is too good to lose."


"I let my house furnished, and they've had measles there. Of course
we've had the place disinfected; so I suppose it's quite safe. What do
you think?"

"I fancy it would be all right, dear; but I think, perhaps, it would be
safer to lend it to a friend first."--_Punch_.


"Hoo is it, Jeemes, that you mak' sic an enairmous profit aff yer
potatoes? Yer price is lower than ony ither in the toon and ye mak'
extra reductions for yer freends."

"Weel, ye see, I knock aff twa shillin's a ton beacuse a customer is a
freend o' mine, an' then I jist tak' twa hundert-weight aff the ton
because I'm a freend o' his."--_Punch_.


The conductor of a western freight train saw a tramp stealing a ride on
one of the forward cars. He told the brakeman in the caboose to go up
and put the man off at the next stop. When the brakeman approached the
tramp, the latter waved a big revolver and told him to keep away.

"Did you get rid of him?" the conductor asked the brakeman, when the
train was under motion again.

"I hadn't the heart," was the reply. "He turned out to be an old school
friend of mine."

"I'll take care of him," said the conductor, as he started over the tops
of the cars.

After the train had made another stop and gone on, the brakeman came
into the caboose and said to the conductor:

"Well, is he off?"

"No; he turned out to be an old school friend of mine, too."


If a man does not make new acquaintances, as he advances through life,
he will soon find himself left alone. A man, Sir, should keep his
friendship in constant repair.--_Samuel Johnson_.


  They say, and I am glad they say,
    It is so; and it may be so;
  It may be just the other way,
    I cannot tell, but this I know--
  From quiet homes and first beginnings
    Out to the undiscovered ends
  There's nothing worth the wear of winning
    Save laughter and the love of friends.

  --_Hilaire Belloc_.




FUN


Fun is like life insurance, th' older you git th' more it costs.--_Abe
Martin_.


_See also_ Amusements.




FUNERALS


  There was an old man in a hearse,
  Who murmured, "This might have been worse;
    Of course the expense
    Is simply immense,
  But it doesn't come out of my purse."




FURNITURE


GUEST--"That's a beautiful rug. May I ask how much it cost you?"

HOST--"Five hundred dollars. A hundred and fifty for it and the rest for
furniture to match."




FUTURE LIFE


A certain young man's friends thought he was dead, but he was only in a
state of coma. When, in ample time to avoid being buried, he showed
signs of life, he was asked how it seemed to be dead.

"Dead?" he exclaimed. "I wasn't dead. I knew all that was going on. And
I knew I wasn't dead, too, because my feet were cold and I was hungry."

"But how did that fact make you think you were still alive?" asked one
of the curious.

"Well, this way; I knew that if I were in heaven I wouldn't be hungry.
And if I was in the other place my feet wouldn't be cold."


FATHER (impressively)--"Suppose I should be taken away suddenly, what
would become of you, my boy?"

IRREVERENT SON--"I'd stay here. The question is, What would become of
you?"


"Look here, now, Harold," said a father to his little son, who was
naughty, "if you don't say your prayers you won't go to Heaven."

"I don't want to go to Heaven," sobbed the boy; "I want to go with you
and mother."


On a voyage across the ocean an Irishman died and was about to be buried
at sea. His friend Mike was the chief mourner at the burial service, at
the conclusion of which those in charge wrapped the body in canvas
preparatory to dropping it overboard. It is customary to place heavy
shot with a body to insure its immediate sinking, but in this instance,
nothing else being available, a large lump of coal was substituted.
Mike's cup of sorrow overflowed his eyes, and he tearfully exclaimed,

"Oh, Pat, I knew you'd never get to heaven, but, begorry, I didn't think
you'd have to furnish your own fuel."


An Irishman told a man that he had fallen so low in this life that in
the next he would have to climb up hill to get into hell.


When P.T. Barnum was at the head of his "great moral show," it was his
rule to send complimentary tickets to clergymen, and the custom is
continued to this day. Not long ago, after the Reverend Doctor Walker
succeeded to the pastorate of the Reverend Doctor Hawks, in Hartford,
there came to the parsonage, addressed to Doctor Hawks, tickets for the
circus, with the compliments of the famous showman. Doctor Walker
studied the tickets for a moment, and then remarked:

"Doctor Hawks is dead and Mr. Barnum is dead; evidently they haven't
met."


Archbishop Ryan once attended a dinner given him by the citizens of
Philadelphia and a brilliant company of men was present. Among others
were the president of the Pennsylvania Railroad; ex-Attorney-General
MacVeagh, counsel for the road, and other prominent railroad men.

Mr. MacVeagh, in talking to the guest of the evening, said: "Your Grace,
among others you see here a great many railroad men. There is a
peculiarity of railroad men that even on social occasions you will find
that they always take their lawyer with them. That is why I am here.
They never go anywhere without their counsel. Now they have nearly
everything that men want, but I have a suggestion to make to you for an
exchange with us. We can give free passes on all the railroads of the
country. Now if you would only give us--say a free pass to Paradise by
way of exchange."

"Ah, no," said His Grace, with a merry twinkle in his eye, "that would
never do. I would not like to separate them from their counsel."




GARDENING


Th' only time some fellers ever dig in th' gardens is just before they
go a fishin'.--_Abe Martin_.


"I am going to start a garden," announced Mr. Subbubs. "A few months
from now I won't be kicking about your prices."

"No," said the grocer; "you'll be wondering how I can afford to sell
vegetables so cheap."




GAS STOVES


A Georgia woman who moved to Philadelphia found she could not be
contented without the colored mammy who had been her servant for many
years. She sent for old mammy, and the servant arrived in due season. It
so happened that the Georgia woman had to leave town the very day mammy
arrived. Before departing she had just time to explain to mammy the
modern conveniences with which her apartment was furnished. The gas
stove was the contrivance which interested the colored woman most. After
the mistress of the household had lighted the oven, the broiler, and the
other burners and felt certain the old servant understood its
operations, the mistress hurried for her train.

She was absent for two weeks and one of her first questions to mammy was
how she had worried along.

"De fines' ever," was the reply. "And dat air gas stove--O my! Why do
you know, Miss Flo'ence, dat fire aint gone out yit."




GENEROSITY


"This is a foine country, Bridget!" exclaimed Norah, who had but
recently arrived in the United States. "Sure, it's generous everybody
is. I asked at the post-office about sindin' money to me mither, and the
young man tells me I can get a money order for $10 for 10 cents. Think
of that now!"


At one of these reunions of the Blue and the Gray so happily common of
late, a northern veteran, who had lost both arms and both legs in the
service, caused himself to be posted in a conspicuous place to receive
alms. The response to his appeal was generous and his cup rapidly
filled.

Nobody gave him more than a dime, however, except a grizzled warrior of
the lost cause, who plumped in a dollar. And not content, he presently
came that way again and plumped in another dollar.

The cripple's gratitude did not quite extinguish his curiosity. "Why,"
he inquired, "do you, who fought on the other side, give me so much more
than any of those who were my comrades in arms?"

The old rebel smiled grimly. "Because," he replied, "you're the first
Yank I ever saw trimmed up just to suit me."


At dinner one day, it was noticed that a small daughter of the minister
was putting aside all the choice pieces of chicken and her father asked
her why she did that. She explained that she was saving them for her
dog. Her father told her there were plenty of bones the dog could have
so she consented to eat the dainty bits. Later she collected the bones
and took them to the dog saying, "I meant to give a free will offering
but it is only a collection."


A little newsboy with a cigarette in his mouth entered a notion store
and asked for a match.

"We only _sell_ matches," said the storekeeper.

"How much are they?" asked the future citizen.

"Penny a box," was the answer.

"Gimme a box," said the boy.

He took one match, lit the cigarette, and handed the box back over the
counter, saying, "Here, take it and put it on de shelf, and when anodder
sport comes and asks for a match, give him one on me."


Little Ralph belonged to a family of five. One morning he came into the
house carrying five stones which he brought to his mother, saying:

"Look, mother, here are tombstones for each one of us."

The mother, counting them, said:

"Here is one for father, dear! Here is one for mother! Here is
brother's! Here is the baby's; but there is none for Delia, the maid."

Ralph was lost in thought for a moment, then cheerfully cried:

"Oh, well, never mind, mother; Delia can have mine, and I'll live!"


She was making the usual female search for her purse when the conductor
came to collect the fares.

Her companion meditated silently for a moment, then, addressing the
other, said:

"Let us divide this Mabel; you fumble and I'll pay."




GENTLEMEN


"Sadie, what is a gentleman?"

"Please, ma'am," she answered, "a gentleman's a man you don't know very
well."


Two characters in Jeffery Farnol's "Amateur Gentleman" give these
definitions of a gentleman:

"A gentleman is a fellow who goes to a university, but doesn't have to
learn anything; who goes out into the world, but doesn't have to work at
anything; and who has never been black-balled at any of the clubs."

"A gentleman is (I take it) one born with the God-like capacity to think
and feel for others, irrespective of their rank or condition.... One who
possesses an ideal so lofty, a mind so delicate, that it lifts him above
all things ignoble and base, yet strengthens his hands to raise those
who are fallen--no matter how low."




GERMANS


The poet Heine and Baron James Rothschild were close friends. At the
dinner table of the latter the financier asked the poet why he was so
silent, when usually so gay and full of witty remarks.

"Quite right," responded Heine, "but to-night I have exchanged views
with my German friends and my head is fearfully empty."




GHOSTS


"I confess, that the subject of psychical research makes no great appeal
to me," Sir William Henry Perkin, the inventor of coal-tar dyes, told
some friends in New York recently. "Personally, in the course of a
fairly long career, I have heard at first hand but one ghost story. Its
hero was a man whom I may as well call Snooks.

"Snooks, visiting at a country house, was put in the haunted chamber for
the night. He said that he did not feel the slightest uneasiness, but
nevertheless, just as a matter of precaution, he took to bed with him a
revolver of the latest American pattern.

"He slept peacefully enough until the clock struck two, when he awoke
with an unpleasant feeling of oppression. He raised his head and peered
about him. The room was wanly illumined by the full moon, and in that
weird, bluish light he thought he discerned a small, white hand clasping
the rail at the foot of the bed.

"'Who's there?' he asked tremulously.

"There was no reply. The small white hand did not move.

"'Who's there?' he repeated. 'Answer me or I'll shoot.'

"Again there was no reply.

"Snooks cautiously raised himself, took careful aim and fired.

"From that night on he's limped. Shot off two of his own toes."




GIFTS


When Lawrence Barrett's daughter was married Stuart Robson sent a check
for $5000 to the bridegroom. The comedian's daughter, Felicia Robson,
who attended the wedding conveyed the gift.

"Felicia," said her father upon her return, "did you give him the
check?"

"Yes, Father," answered the daughter.

"What did he say?" asked Robson.

"He didn't say anything," replied Miss Felicia, "but he shed tears."

"How long did he cry?"

"Why Father, I didn't time him. I should say, however, that he wept
fully a minute."

"Fully a minute," mused Robson. "Why, Daughter, I cried an hour after I
signed it."


A church house in a certain rural district was sadly in need of repairs.
The official board had called a meeting of the parishioners to see what
could be done toward raising the necessary funds. One of the wealthiest
and stingiest of the adherents of that church arose and said that he
would give five dollars, and sat down.

Just then a bit of plastering fell from the ceiling and hit him squarely
upon the head. Whereupon he jumped up, looked confused and said:
"I--er--I meant I'll give fifty dollars!" then again resumed his seat.

After a brief silence a voice was heard to say: "O Lord, hit 'im again!"


He gives twice who gives quickly because the collectors come around
later on and hit him for another subscription.--_Puck_.


"Presents," I often say, "endear Absents."--_Charles Lamb_.


In giving, a man receives more than he gives, and the more is in
proportion to the worth of the thing given.--_George MacDonald_.


_See also_ Christmas gifts.




GLUTTONY


A clergyman was quite ill as a result of eating many pieces of mince
pie.

A brother minister visited him and asked him if he was afraid to die.

"No," the sick man replied, "But I should be ashamed to die from eating
too much."


There was a young person named Ned,
Who dined before going to bed,
  On lobster and ham
  And salad and jam,
And when he awoke he was dead.




GOLF


Two Scotchmen met and exchanged the small talk appropriate to the hour.
As they were parting to go supperward Sandy said to Jock:

"Jock, mon, I'll go ye a roond on the links in the morrn'."

"The morrn'?" Jock repeated.

"Aye, mon, the morrn'," said Sandy. "I'll go ye a roond on the links in
the morrn'."

"Aye, weel," said Jock, "I'll go ye. But I had intended to get marriet
in the morrn'."


GOLFER (unsteadied by Christmas luncheon) to Opponent--

"Sir, I wish you clearly to understand that I resent your
unwarrant--your interference with my game, sir! Tilt the green once
more, sir, and I chuck the match."


Doctor William S. Rainsford is an inveterate golf player. When he was
rector of St. George's Church, in New York City, he was badly beaten on
the links by one of his vestrymen. To console the clergyman the
vestryman ventured to say: "Never mind, Doctor, you'll get satisfaction
some day when I pass away. Then you'll read the burial service over me."

"I don't see any satisfaction in that," answered the clergy-man, "for
you'll still be in the hole."


SUNDAY SCHOOL TEACHER--"Willie, do you know what beomes of boys who use
bad language when they're playing marbles?"

WILLIE--"Yes, miss. They grow up and play golf."


The game of golf, as every humorist knows, is conducive to profanity. It
is also a terrible strain on veracity, every man being his own umpire.

Four men were playing golf on a course where the hazard on the ninth
hole was a deep ravine.

They drove off. Three went into the ravine and one managed to get his
ball over. The three who had dropped into the ravine walked up to have a
look. Two of them decided not to try to play their balls out and gave up
the hole. The third said he would go down and play out his ball. He
disappeared into the deep crevasse. Presently his ball came bobbing out
and after a time he climbed up.

"How many strokes?" asked one of his opponents.

"Three."

"But I heard six."

"Three of them were echoes!"


When Mark Twain came to Washington to try to get a decent copyright law
passed, a representative took him out to Chevy Chase.

Mark Twain refused to play golf himself, but he consented to walk over
the course and watch the representative's strokes. The representative
was rather a duffer. Teeing off, he sent clouds of earth flying in all
directions. Then, to hide his confusion he said to his guest: "What do
you think of our links here, Mr. Clemens?"

"Best I ever tasted," said Mark Twain, as he wiped the dirt from his
lips with his handkerchief.




GOOD FELLOWSHIP


  A glass is good, a lass is good,
    And a pipe to smoke in cold weather,
  The world is good and the people are good,
    And we're all good fellows together.


  May good humor preside when good fellows meet,
  And reason prescribe when'tis time to retreat.


Here's to us that are here, to you that are there, and the rest of us
everywhere.


  Here's to all the world,--
  For fear some darn fool may take offence.




GOSSIP


A gossip is a person who syndicates his conversation.--_Dick Dickinson_.


Gossips are the spies of life.


"However did you reconcile Adele and Mary?"

"I gave them a choice bit of gossip and asked them not to repeat it to
each other."


The seven-year-old daughter of a prominent suburban resident is, the
neighbors say, a precocious youngster; at all events, she knows the ways
of the world.

Her mother had occasion to punish her one day last week for a
particularly mischievous prank, and after she had talked it over very
solemnly sent the little girl up to her room.

An hour later the mother went upstairs. The child was sitting
complacently on the window seat, looking out at the other children.

"Well, little girl," the mother began, "did you tell God all about how
naughty you'd been?"

The youngster shook her head, emphatically. "Guess I didn't," she
gurgled; "why, it'd be all over heaven in no time."


Get a gossip wound up and she will run somebody down.--_Life_.


"Papa, mamma says that one-half the world doesn't know how the other
half lives."

"Well, she shouldn't blame herself, dear, it isn't her fault."


It is only national history that "repeats itself." Your private history
is repeated by the neighbors.


"You're a terrible scandal-monger, Linkum," said Jorrocks.

"Why in thunder don't you make it a rule to tell only half what you
hear?"

"That's what I do do," said Linkum. "Only I tell the spicy half."


"What," asked the Sunday-school teacher, "is meant by bearing false
witness against one's neighbor?"

"It's telling falsehoods about them," said the one small maid.

"Partly right and partly wrong," said the teacher.

"I know," said another little girl, holding her hand high in the air.
"It's when nobody did anything and somebody went and told about
it."--_H.R. Bennett_.


MAUD--"That story you told about Alice isn't worth repeating."

KATE--"It's young yet; give it time."


SON--"Why do people say 'Dame Gossip'?"

FATHER--"Because they are too polite to leave off the 'e.'"


  I cannot tell how the truth may be;
  I say the tale as 'twas said to me.


Never tell evil of a man, if you do not know it for a certainty, and if
you do know it for a certainty, then ask yourself, "Why should I tell
it?"--_Lavater_.




GOVERNMENT OWNERSHIP


"Don't you think the coal-mines ought to be controlled by the
government?"

"I might if I didn't know who controlled the
government."--_Life_.




GOVERNORS


The governor of a western state was dining with the family of a
Representative in Congress from that state, and opposite him at table
sat the little girl of the family, aged ten. She gazed at the Governor
solemnly throughout the repast.

Finally the youngster asked, "Are you really and truly a governor?"

"Yes," replied the great man laughingly; "I really and truly am."

"I've always wanted to see a governor," continued the child, "for I've
heard Daddy speak of 'em."

"Well," rejoined the Governor, "now that you have seen one, are you
satisfied?"

"No, sir," answered the youngster, without the slightest impertinence,
but with an air of great conviction, "no, sir; I'm disappointed."




GRAFT


"What is meant by graft?" said the inquiring foreigner.

"Graft," said the resident of a great city, "is a system which
ultimately results in compelling a large portion of the population to
apologize constantly for not having money, and the remainder to explain
how they got it."


LADY--"I guess you're gettin' a good thing out o' tending the rich Smith
boy, ain't ye, doctor?"

DOCTOR--"Well, yes; I get a pretty good fee. Why?"

LADY--"Well, I hope you won't forget that my Willie threw the brick that
hit 'im!"


Every man has his price, but some hold bargain sales.--_Satire_.


The Democrats had a clear working majority in ----, Illinois, for a
number of years. But when the Fifteenth Amendment went into effect it
enfranchised so many of the "culled bredren" as to make it apparent to
the party leaders that unless a good many black votes could be bought
up, the Republicans would carry the city election. Accordingly advances
were made to the Rev. Brother ----, whose influence it was thought
desirable to secure, inasmuch as he was certain to control the votes of
his entire church.

He was found "open to conviction," and arrangements progressed
satisfactorily until it was asked how much money would be necessary to
secure his vote and influence.

With an air of offended dignity, Brother ---- replied:

"Now, gemmen, as a regular awdained minister ob de Baptist Church dis
ting has gone jes as far as my conscience will 'low; but, gemmen, my son
will call round to see you in de mornin'."


A well-known New York contractor went into the tailor's, donned his new
suit, and left his old one for repairs. Then he sought a café and
refreshed the inner man; but as he reached in his pocket for the money
to settle his check, he realized that he had neglected to transfer both
purse and watch when he left his suit. As he hesitated, somewhat
embarrassed, he saw a bill on the floor at his feet. Seizing it
thankfully, he stepped to the cashier's desk and presented both check
and money.

"That was a two dollar bill," he explained when he counted his change.

"I know it," said the cashier, with a toss of her blond head. "I'm
dividing with you. I saw it first."




GRATITUDE


After O'Connell had obtained the acquittal of a horse-stealer, the
thief, in the ecstasy of his gratitude, cried out, "Och, counsellor,
I've no way here to thank your honor; but I wish't I saw you knocked
down in me own parish--wouldn't I bring a faction to the rescue?"


Some people are never satisfied. For example, the prisoner who
complained of the literature that the prison angel gave him to read.

"Nutt'n but continued stories," he grumbled. "An I'm to be hung next
Tuesday."


It was a very hot day and a picnic had been arranged by the United
Society of Lady Vegetarians.

They were comfortably seated, and waiting for the kettle to boil, when,
horror of horrors! a savage bull appeared on the scene.

Immediately a wild rush was made for safety, while the raging creature
pounded after one lady who, unfortunately, had a red parasol. By great
good fortune she nipped over the stile before it could reach her. Then,
regaining her breath, she turned round.

"Oh, you ungrateful creature!" she exclaimed. "Here have I been a
vegetarian all my life. There's gratitude for you!"


Miss PASSAY--"You have saved my life, young man. How can I repay you?
How can I show my gratitude? Are you married?"

YOUNG MAN--"Yes; come and be a cook for us."




GREAT BRITAIN


One of the stories told by Mr. Spencer Leigh Hughes in his speech in the
House of Commons one night tickled everybody. It is the story of the
small boy who was watching the Speaker's procession as it wended its way
through the lobby. First came the Speaker, and then the chaplain, and
next the other officers.

"Who, father, is that gentleman?" said the small boy, pointing to the
chaplain.

"That, my son," said the father, "is the chaplain of the House."

"Does he pray for the members?" asked the small boy.

The father thought a minute and then said: "No, my son; when he goes
into the House he looks around and sees the members sitting there and
then he prays for the country."--_Cardiff Mail_.


There is a lad in Boston, the son of a well-known writer of history, who
has evidently profited by such observations as he may have overheard his
father utter touching certain phases of British empire-building. At any
rate the boy showed a shrewd notion of the opinion not infrequently
expressed in regard to the righteousness of "British occupation." It was
he who handed in the following essay on the making of a British colony:

"Africa is a British colony. I will tell you how England does it. First
she gets a missionary; when the missionary has found a specially
beautiful and fertile tract of country, he gets all his people round him
and says: 'Let us pray,' and when all the eyes are shut, up goes the
British flag."




GRIEF


Jim, who worked in a garage, had just declined Mr. Smith's invitation to
ride in his new car.

"What's the matter, Jim?" asked Mr. Smith. "Are you sick?"

"No, sah," he replied. "Tain't that--I done los' $5, sah, an' I jes'
nacherly got tuh sit an' grieve."




GUARANTEES


TRAVELER (on an English train)--"Shall I have time to get a drink?"

GUARD--"Yes, sir."

TRAVELER--"Can you give me a guarantee that the train won't start?"

GUARD--"Yes, I'll take one with you!"




GUESTS


"Look here, Dinah," said Binks, as he opened a questionable egg at
breakfast, "is this the freshest egg you can find?"

"Naw, suh," replied Dinah. "We done got a haff dozen laid diss mornin',
suh, but de bishop's comin' down hyar in August, suh, and we's savin'
all de fresh aigs for him, suh."


  "Here's a health to thee and thine
  From the hearts of me and mine;
  And when thee and thine
  Come to see me and mine,
  May me and mine make thee and thine
  As welcome as thee and thine
  Have ever made me and mine."




HABIT


Among the new class which came to the second-grade teacher, a young
timid girl, was one Tommy, who for naughty deeds had been many times
spanked by his first-grade teacher. "Send him to me any time when you
want him spanked," suggested the latter; "I can manage him."

One morning, about a week after this conversation, Tommy appeared at the
first-grade teacher's door. She dropped her work, seized him by the arm,
dragged him to the dressing-room, turned him over her knee and did her
duty.

When she had finished she said: "Well, Tommy, what have you to say?"

"Please, Miss, my teacher wants the scissors."


In reward of faithful political service an ambitious saloon keeper was
appointed police magistrate.

"What's the charge ag'in this man?" he inquired when the first case was
called.

"Drunk, yer honor," said the policeman.

The newly made magistrate frowned upon the trembling defendant.

"Guilty, or not guilty?" he demanded.

"Sure, sir," faltered the accused, "I never drink a drop."

"Have a cigar, then," urged his honor persuasively, as he absently
polished the top of the judicial desk with his pocket handkerchief.


"We had a fine sunrise this morning," said one New Yorker to another.
"Did you see it?"

"Sunrise?" said the second man. "Why, I'm always in bed before sunrise."


A traveling man who was a cigarette smoker reached town on an early
train. He wanted a smoke, but none of the stores were open. Near the
station he saw a newsboy smoking, and approached him with:

"Say, son, got another cigarette?"

"No, sir," said the boy, "but I've got the makings."

"All right," the traveling man said. "But I can't roll 'em very well.
Will you fix one for me?"

The boy did.

"Don't believe I've got a match," said the man, after a search through
his pockets.

The boy handed him a match. "Say, Captain," he said "you ain't got
anything but the habit, have you?"


  Habit with him was all the test of truth;
  "It must be right: I've done it from my youth."

  --_Crabbe_.




HADES


_See_ Future life.




HAPPINESS


Lord Tankerville, in New York, said of the international school
question:

"The subject of the American versus the English school has been too much
discussed. The good got from a school depends, after all, on the
schoolboy chiefly, and I'm afraid the average schoolboy is well
reflected in that classic schoolboy letter home which said:

    "'Dear parents--We are having a good time now at school.
    George Jones broke his leg coasting and is in bed. We went
    skating and the ice broke and all got wet. Willie Brown was
    drowned. Most of the boys here are down with influenza. The
    gardener fell into our cave and broke his rib, but he can work
    a little. The aviator man at the race course kicked us because
    we threw sand in his motor, and we are all black and blue. I
    broke my front tooth playing football. We are very happy.'"


Mankind are always happier for having been happy; so that if you make
them happy now, you make them happy twenty years hence by the memory of
it.--_Sydney Smith_.




HARNESSING


The story is told of two Trenton men who hired a horse and trap for a
little outing not long ago. Upon reaching their destination, the horse
was unharnessed and permitted peacefully to graze while the men fished
for an hour or two.

When they were ready to go home, a difficulty at once presented itself,
inasmuch as neither of the Trentonians knew how to reharness the horse.
Every effort in this direction met with dire failure, and the worst
problem was properly to adjust the bit. The horse himself seemed to
resent the idea of going into harness again.

Finally one of the friends, in great disgust, sat down in the road.
"There's only one thing we can do, Bill," said he.

"What's that?" asked Bill.

"Wait for the foolish beast to yawn!"




HARVARD UNIVERSITY


"Well, I'll tell you this," said the college man, "Wellesley is a match
factory."

"That's quite true," assented the girl. "At Wellesley we make the heads,
but we get the sticks from Harvard."--_C. Stratton_.




HASH


"George," said the Titian-haired school marm, "is there any connecting
link between the animal kingdom and the vegetable kingdom?"

"Yeth, ma'am," answered George promptly. "Hash."




HASTE


The ferry-dock was crowded with weary home-goers when through the crowd
rushed a man--hot, excited, laden to the chin with bundles of every
shape and size. He sprinted down the pier, his eyes fixed on a ferryboat
only two or three feet out from the pier. He paused but an instant on
the string-piece, and then, cheered on by the amused crowd, he made a
flying leap across the intervening stretch of water and landed safely on
the deck. A fat man happened to be standing on the exact spot on which
he struck, and they both went down with a resounding crash. When the
arriving man had somewhat recovered his breath he apologized to the fat
man. "I hope I didn't hurt you," he said. "I am sorry. But, anyway I
caught the boat!"

"But you idiot," said the fat man, "the boat was coming in!"




HEALTH RESORTS


"Where've you been, Murray?"

"To a health resort. Finest place I ever struck. It was simply great."

"Then why did you come away?"

"Oh, I got sick and had to come home."

"Are you going back?"

"You bet. Just as soon as I get well enough."




HEARING


The Ladies' Aid ladies were talking about a conversation they had
overheard before the meeting, between a man and his wife.

"They must have been to the Zoo," said Mrs. A., "because I heard her
mention 'a trained deer.'"

"Goodness me!" laughed Mrs. B. "What queer hearing you must have! They
were talking about going away, and she said, 'Find out about the train,
dear.'"

"Well did anybody ever?" exclaimed Mrs. C. "I am sure they were talking
about musicians, for she said 'a trained ear,' as distinctly as could
be."

The discussion began to warm up, and in the midst of it the lady herself
appeared. They carried their case to her promptly, and asked for a
settlement.

"Well, well, you do beat all!" she exclaimed, after hearing each one.
"I'd been out to the country overnight, and was asking my husband if it
rained here last night."

After which the three disputants retired, abashed and in silence.--_W.J.
Lampton_.




HEAVEN


"Tom," said an Indiana youngster who was digging in the yard, "don't you
make that hole any deeper, or you'll come to gas."

"Well, what if I do? It won't hurt."

"Yes, 't will too. If it spouts out, we'll be blown clear up to heaven."

"Shucks, that would be fun! You an' me would be the only live ones up
there."--_I.C. Curtis_.


_See also_ Future life.




HEIRLOOMS


HE (wondering if his rival has been accepted)--"Are both your rings
heirlooms?"

SHE (concealing the hand)--"Oh, dear, yes. One has been in the family
since the time of Alfred, but the other is newer"--(blushing)--"it only
dates from the conquest."


"My grandfather was a captain of industry."

"Well?"

"He left no sword, but we still treasure the stubs of his check-books."




HELL


_See_ Future life.




HEREDITY


"Papa, what does hereditary mean?"

"Something which descends from father to son."

"Is a spanking hereditary?"


William had just returned from college, resplendent in peg-top trousers,
silk hosiery, a fancy waistcoat, and a necktie that spoke for itself. He
entered the library where his father was reading. The old gentleman
looked up and surveyed his son. The longer he looked, the more disgusted
he became.

"Son," he finally blurted out, "you look like a d--- fool!"

Later, the old Major who lived next door came in and greeted the boy
heartily. "William," he said with undisguised admiration, "you look
exactly like your father did twenty-five years ago when he came back
from school!"

"Yes," replied William, with a smile, "so Father was just telling me."


"There seems to be a strange affinity between a darky and a chicken. I
wonder why?" said Jones.

"Naturally enough," replied Brown. "One is descended from Ham and the
other from eggs."


"So you have adopted a baby to raise?" we ask of our friend. "Well, it
may turn out all right, but don't you think you are taking chances?"

"Not a chance," he answers. "No matter how many bad habits the child may
develop, my wife can't say he inherits any of them from my side of the
house."


_See also_ Ancestry.




HEROES


THE PASSER-BY--"You took a great risk in rescuing that boy; you deserve
a Carnegie medal. What prompted you to do it?"

THE HERO--"He had my skates on!"--_Puck_.


MR. HENPECK--"Are you the man who gave my wife a lot of impudence?"

MR. SCRAPER--"I reckon I am."

MR. HENPECK--"Shake! You're a hero."


Each man is a hero and an oracle to somebody.--_Emerson_.HIGH COST OF
LIVING


_See_ Cost of living.




HINTING


Little James, while at a neighbor's, was given a piece of bread and
butter, and politely said, "Thank you."

"That's right, James," said the lady. "I like to hear little boys say
'thank you.'"

"Well," rejoined James, "If you want to hear me say it again, you might
put some jam on it."




HOME


Home is a place where you can take off your new shoes and put on your
old manners.


  Who hath not met with home-made bread,
  A heavy compound of putty and lead--
  And home-made wines that rack the head,
  And home-made liquors and waters?
  Home-made pop that will not foam,
  And home-made dishes that drive one from home--
             * * * * * *
  Home-made by the homely daughters.

  --_Hood_.




HOMELINESS


_See_ Beauty, Personal.




HOMESTEADS


"Malachi," said a prospective homesteader to a lawyer, "you know all
about this law. Tell me what I am to do."

"Well," said the other, "I don't remember the exact wording of the law,
but I can give you the meaning of it. It's this: The government is
willin' to bet you one hundred and sixty acres of land against fourteen
dollars that you can't live on it five years without starving to
death."--_Fenimore Martin_.




HONESTY


"He's an honest young man" said the saloon keeper, with an approving
smile. "He sold his vote to pay his whiskey bill."


VISITOR--"And you always did your daring robberies single-handed? Why
didn't you have a pal?"

PRISONER--"Well, sir, I wuz afraid he might turn out to be dishonest."


Ex-District Attorney Jerome, at a dinner in New York, told a story about
honesty. "There was a man," he said, "who applied for a position in a
dry-goods house. His appearance wasn't prepossessing, and references
were demanded. After some hesitation, he gave the name of a driver in
the firm's employ. This driver, he thought, would vouch for him. A clerk
sought out the driver, and asked him if the applicant was honest.
'Honest?' the driver said. 'Why, his honesty's been proved again and
again. To my certain knowledge he's been arrested nine times for
stealing and every time he was acquitted.'"


"How is it, Mr. Brown," said a miller to a farmer, "that when I came to
measure those ten barrels of apples I bought from you, I found them
nearly two barrels short?"

"Singular, very singular; for I sent them to you in ten of your own
flour-barrels."

"Ahem! Did, eh?" said the miller. "Well, perhaps I made a mistake. Let's
imbibe."


The stranger laid down four aces and scooped in the pot.

"This game ain't on the level," protested Sagebush Sam, at the same time
producing a gun to lend force to his accusation. "That ain't the hand I
dealt ye!"


A dumpy little woman with solemn eyes, holding by the hand two dumpy
little boys, came to the box-office of a theater. Handing in a quarter,
she asked meekly for the best seat she could get for that money.

"Those boys must have tickets if you take them in," said the clerk.

"Oh, no, mister," she said. "I never pay for them. I never can spare
more than a quarter, and I just love a show. We won't cheat you any,
mister, for they both go sound asleep just as soon as they get into a
seat, and don't see a single bit of it."

The argument convinced the ticket man, and he allowed the two children
to pass in.

Toward the end of the second act an usher came out of the auditorium and
handed a twenty-five-cent piece to the ticket-seller.

"What's this?" demanded the latter.

"I don't know," said the usher. "A little chunk of a woman beckoned me
clear across the house, and said one of her kids had waked up and was
looking at the show, and that I should bring you that quarter."




HONOR


In the smoking compartment of a Pullman, there were six men smoking and
reading. All of a sudden a door banged and the conductor's voice cried:

"All tickets, please!"

Then one of the men in the compartment leaped to his feet, scanned the
faces of the others and said, slowly and impressively:

"Gentlemen, I trust to your honor."

And he dived under the seat and remained there in a small, silent knot
till the conductor was safely gone.


  Titles of honour add not to his worth,
  Who is himself an honour to his titles.

  --_John Ford_.




HOPE


FRED--"My dear Dora, let this thought console you for your lover's
death. Remember that other and better men than he have gone the same
way."

BEREAVED ONE--"They haven't all gone, have they?"--_Puck_.




HORSES


A city man, visiting a small country town, boarded a stage with two
dilapidated horses, and found that he had no other currency than a
five-dollar bill. This he proffered to the driver. The latter took it,
looked it over for a moment or so, and then asked:

"Which horse do you want?"


A traveler in Indiana noticed that a farmer was having trouble with his
horse. It would start, go slowly for a short distance, and then stop
again. Thereupon the farmer would have great difficulty in getting it
started. Finally the traveler approached and asked, solicitously:

"Is your horse sick?"

"Not as I knows of."

"Is he balky?"

"No. But he is so danged 'fraid I'll say whoa and he won't hear me, that
he stops every once in a while to listen."


A German farmer was in search of a horse.

"I've got just the horse for you," said the liveryman. "He's five years
old, sound as a dollar and goes ten miles without stopping."

The German threw his hands skyward.

"Not for me," he said, "not for me. I live eight miles from town, und
mit dot horse I haf to valk back two miles."


There's a grocer who is notorious for his wretched horse flesh.

The grocer's boy is rather a reckless driver. He drove one of his
master's worst nags a little too hard one day, and the animal fell ill
and died.

"You've killed my horse, curse you!" the grocer said to the boy the next
morning.

"I'm sorry, boss," the lad faltered.

"Sorry be durned!" shouted the grocer. "Who's going to pay me for my
horse?"

"I'll make it all right, boss," said the boy soothingly. "You can take
it out of my next Saturday's wages."


Before Abraham Lincoln became President he was called out of town on
important law business. As he had a long distance to travel he hired a
horse from a livery stable. When a few days later he returned he took
the horse back to the stable and asked the man who had given it to him:
"Keep this horse for funerals?"

"No, indeed," answered the man indignantly.

"Glad to hear it," said Lincoln; "because if you did the corpse wouldn't
get there in time for the resurrection."




HOSPITALITY


Night was approaching and it was raining hard. The traveler dismounted
from his horse and rapped at the door of the one farmhouse he had struck
in a five-mile stretch of traveling. No one came to the door.

As he stood on the doorstep the water from the eaves trickled down his
collar. He rapped again. Still no answer. He could feel the stream of
water coursing down his back. Another spell of pounding, and finally the
red head of a lad of twelve was stuck out of the second story window.

"Watcher want?" it asked.

"I want to know if I can stay here over night," the traveler answered
testily.

The red-headed lad watched the man for a minute or two before answering.

"Ye kin fer all of me," he finally answered, and then closed the window.


The old friends had had three days together.

"You have a pretty place here, John," remarked the guest on the morning
of his departure. "But it looks a bit bare yet."

"Oh, that's because the trees are so young," answered the host
comfortably. "I hope they'll have grown to a good size before you come
again."


A youngster of three was enjoying a story his mother was reading aloud
to him when a caller came. In a few minutes his mother was called to the
telephone. The boy turned to the caller and said "Now you beat it
home." Ollie James, the famous Kentucky Congressman and raconteur, hails
from a little town in the western part of the state, but his patriotism
is state-wide, and when Louisville made a bid for the last Democratic
national convention she had no more enthusiastic supporter than James. A
Denver supporter was protesting.

"Why, you know, Colonel," said he, "Louisville couldn't take care of the
crowds. Even by putting cots in the halls, parlors, and the dining-rooms
of the hotels there wouldn't be beds enough."

"Beds!" echoed the genial Congressman, "why, sir, Louisville would make
her visitors have such a thundering good time that no gentleman would
think of going to bed!"




HOSTS


  I thank you for your welcome which was cordial,
  And your cordial which was welcome.


  Here's to the host and the hostess,
    We're honored to be here tonight;
  May they both live long and prosper,
    May their star of hope ever be bright.




HOTELS


In a Montana hotel there is a notice which reads: "Boarders taken by the
day, week or month. Those who do not pay promptly will be taken by the
neck."--_Country Life_.




HUNGER


A man was telling about an exciting experience in Russia. His sleigh was
pursued over the frozen wastes by a pack of at least a dozen famished
wolves. He arose and shot the foremost one, and the others stopped to
devour it. But they soon caught up with him, and he shot another, which
was in turn devoured. This was repeated until the last famished wolf was
almost upon him with yearning jaws, when--

"Say, partner," broke in one of the listeners, "according to your
reckoning that last famished wolf must have had the other 'leven inside
of him."

"Well, come to think it over," said the story teller, "maybe he wasn't
so darned famished after all."




HUNTING


A gentleman from London was invited to go for "a day's snipe-shooting"
in the country. The invitation was accepted, and host and guest
shouldered guns and sallied forth in quest of game.

After a time a solitary snipe rose, and promptly fell to the visitor's
first barrell.

The host's face fell also.

"We may as well return," he remarked, gloomily, "for that was the only
snipe in the neighborhood."

The bird had afforded excellent sport to all his friends for six weeks.




HURRY


See Haste.




HUSBANDS


"Is she making him a good wife?"

"Well, not exactly; but she's making him a good husband."


A husband and wife ran a freak show in a certain provincial town, but
unfortunately they quarreled, and the exhibits were equally divided
between them. The wife decided to continue business as an exhibitor at
the old address, but the husband went on a tour.

After some years' wandering the prodigal returned, and a reconciliation
took place, as the result of which they became business partners once
more. A few mornings afterward the people of the neighborhood were sent
into fits of laughter on reading the following notice in the papers:

"By the return of my husband my stock of freaks has been permanently
increased."


An eminent German scientist who recently visited this country with a
number of his colleagues was dining at an American house and telling how
much he had enjoyed various phases of his visit.

"How did you like our railroad trains?" his host asked him.

"Ach, dhey are woonderful," the German gentleman replied; "so swift, so
safe chenerally--und such luxury in all dhe furnishings und
opp'indmends. All is excellent excebt one thing--our wives do not like
dhe upper berths."


A couple of old grouches at the Metropolitan Club in Washington were one
night speaking of an old friend who, upon his marriage, took up his
residence in another city. One of the grouches had recently visited the
old friend, and, naturally, the other grouch wanted news of the
Benedict.

"Is it true that he is henpecked?" asked the second grouch.

"I wouldn't say just that," grimly responded the first grouch, "but I'll
tell you of a little incident in their household that came within my
observation. The very first morning I spent with them, our old friend
answered the letter carrier's whistle. As he returned to us, in the
breakfast room, he carried a letter in his hand. Turning to his wife, he
said:

"'A letter for me, dear. May I open it?'"--_Edwin Tarrisse_.


"Your husband says he leads a dog's life," said one woman.

"Yes, it's very similar," answered the other. "He comes in with muddy
feet, makes himself comfortable by the fire, and waits to be fed."


NEIGHBOR--"I s'pose your Bill's 'ittin' the 'arp with the hangels now?"

LONG-SUFFERING WIDOW--"Not 'im. 'Ittin' the hangels wiv the 'arp's
nearer 'is mark!"


"You say you are your wife's third husband?" said one man to another
during a talk.

"No, I am her fourth husband," was the reply.

"Heavens, man!" said the first man; "you are not a husband--you're a
habit."


MR. HENPECK--"Is my wife going out, Jane?"

JANE--"Yessir."

MR. HENPECK--"Do you know if I am going with her?"


A happily married woman, who had enjoyed thirty-three years of wedlock,
and who was the grandmother of four beautiful little children, had an
amusing old colored woman for a cook.

One day when a box of especially beautiful flowers was left for the
mistress, the cook happened to be present, and she said: "Yo' husband
send you all the pretty flowers you gits, Missy?"

"Certainly, my husband, Mammy," proudly answered the lady.

"Glory!" exclaimed the cook, "he suttenly am holdin' out well."


An absent-minded man was interrupted as he was finishing a letter to his
wife, in the office. As a result, the signature read:

Your loving husband,

HOPKINS BROS.

_Winifred C. Bristol_.


Mrs. McKinley used to tell of a colored widow whose children she had
helped educate. The widow, rather late in life, married again.

"How are you getting on?" Mrs. McKinley asked her a few months after her
marriage.

"Fine, thank yo', ma'am," the bride answered.

"And is your husband a good provider?"

"'Deed he am a good providah, ma'am," was the enthusiastic reply. "Why,
jes' dis las' week he got me five new places to wash at."


"I suffer so from insomnia I don't know what to do."

"Oh, my dear, if you could only talk to my husband awhile."


"Did Hardlucke bear his misfortune like a man?"

"Exactly like one. He blamed it all on his wife."--_Judge_.


A popular society woman announced a "White Elephant Party." Every guest
was to bring something that she could not find any use for, and yet too
good to throw away. The party would have been a great success but for
the unlooked-for development which broke it up. Eleven of the nineteen
women brought their husbands.


  A very man--not one of nature's clods--
    With human failings, whether saint or sinner:
  Endowed perhaps with genius from the gods
    But apt to take his temper from his dinner.

  --_J. G. Saxe_.


A woman mounted the steps of the elevated station carrying an umbrella
like a reversed saber. An attendant warned her that she might put out
the eye of the man behind her.

"Well, he's my husband!" she snapped.


OLD MONEY (dying)--"I'm afraid I've been a brute to you sometimes,
dear."

YOUNG WIFE--"Oh, never mind that darling; I'll always remember how very
kind you were when you left me."


An inveterate poker player, whose wife always complained of his late
hours, stayed out even later than usual one night and tells in the
following way of his attempt to get in unnoticed:

"I slipped off my shoes at the front steps, pulled off my clothes in the
hall, slipped into the bedroom, and began to slip into bed with the ease
of experience.

"My wife has a blamed fine dog that on cold nights insists on jumping in
the bed with us. So when I began to slide under the covers she stirred
in her sleep and pushed me on the head.

"'Get down, Fido, get down!' she said.

"And, gentlemen, I just did have presence of mind enough to lick her
hand, and she dozed off again!"


MR. HOMEBODY--"I see you keep copies of
all the letters you write to your wife. Do you do it to avoid repeating
yourself?"

MR. FARAWAY--"No. To avoid contradicting myself."


  There is gladness in his gladness, when he's glad,
  There is sadness in his sadness, when he's sad;
  But the gladness in his gladness,
  Nor the sadness in his sadness,
  Isn't a marker to his madness when he's mad.


_See also_ Cowards; Domestic finance.




HYBRIDIZATION


We used to think that the smartest man ever born was the Connecticut
Yankee who grafted white birch on red maples and grew barber poles. Now
we rank that gentleman second. First place goes to an experimenter
attached to the Berlin War Office, who has crossed carrier pigeons with
parrots, so that Wilhelmstrasse can now get verbal messages through the
enemy's lines.--_Warwick James Price_.




HYPERBOLE


"Speakin' of fertile soil," said the Kansan, when the others had had
their say, "I never saw a place where melons growed like they used to
out in my part of the country. The first season I planted 'em I thought
my fortune was sure made. However, I didn't harvest one."

He waited for queries, but his friends knew him, and he was forced to
continue unurged:

"The vines growed so fast that they wore out the melons draggin' 'em
'round. However, the second year my two little boys made up their minds
to get a taste of one anyhow, so they took turns, carryin' one along
with the vine and--"

But his companions had already started toward the barroom door.


News comes from Southern Kansas that a boy climbed a cornstalk to see
how the sky and clouds looked and now the stalk is growing faster than
the boy can climb down. The boy is clear out of sight. Three men have
taken the contract for cutting down the stalk with axes to save the boy
a horrible death by starving, but the stalk grows so rapidly that they
can't hit twice in the same place. The boy is living on green corn alone
and has already thrown down over four bushels of cobs. Even if the corn
holds out there is still danger that the boy will reach a height where
he will be frozen to death. There is some talk of attempting his rescue
with a balloon.--_Topeka Capital_.




HYPOCRISY


Hypocrisy is all right if we can pass it off as politeness.


TEACHER-"Now, Tommy, what is a hypocrite?"

TOMMY-"A boy that comes to school with a smile on his face."--_Graham
Charteris_.




IDEALS


The fact that his two pet bantam hens laid very small eggs troubled
little Johnny. At last he was seized with an inspiration. Johnny's
father, upon going to the fowl-run one morning, was surprised at seeing
an ostrich egg tied to one of the beams, with this injunction chalked
above it:

"Keep your eye on this and do your best."




ILLUSIONS AND HALLUCINATIONS


A doctor came up to a patient in an insane asylum, slapped him on the
back, and said: "Well, old man, you're all right. You can run along and
write your folks that you'll be back home in two weeks as good as new."

The patient went off gayly to write his letter. He had it finished and
sealed, but when he was licking the stamp it slipped through his fingers
to the floor, lighted on the back of a cockroach that was passing, and
stuck. The patient hadn't seen the cockroach--what he did see was his
escaped postage stamp zig-zagging aimlessly across the floor to the
baseboard, wavering up over the baseboard, and following a crooked track
up the wall and across the ceiling. In depressed silence he tore up the
letter he had just written and dropped the pieces on the floor.

"Two weeks! Hell!" he said. "I won't be out of here in three years."




IMAGINATION


One day a mother overheard her daughter arguing with a little boy about
their respective ages.

"I am older than you," he said, "'cause my birthday comes first, in May,
and your's don't come till September."

"Of course your birthday comes first," she sneeringly retorted, "but
that is 'cause you came down first. I remember looking at the angels
when they were making you."

The mother instantly summoned her daughter. "It's breaking mother's
heart to hear you tell such awful stories," she said. "Don't you
remember what happened to Ananias and Sapphira?"

"Oh, yes, mamma, I know; they were struck dead for lying. I saw them
carried into the corner drug store!"




IMITATION


Not long ago a company was rehearsing for an open-air performance of _As
You Like It_ near Boston. The garden wherein they were to play was
overlooked by a rising brick edifice.

One afternoon, during a pause in the rehearsal, a voice from the
building exclaimed with the utmost gravity:

"I prithee, malapert, pass me yon brick."




INFANTS


A wife after the divorce, said to her husband: "I am willing to let you
have the baby half the time."

"Good!" said he, rubbing his hands. "Splendid!"

"Yes," she resumed, "you may have him nights."


"Is the baby strong?"

"Well, rather! You know what a tremendous voice he has?"

"Yes."

"Well, he lifts that five or six times an hour!"--_Comic Cuts_.


Recipe for a baby:

  Clean and dress a wriggle, add a pint of nearly milk,
    Smother with a pillow any sneeze;
  Baste with talcum powder and mark upon its back--
    "Don't forget that you were one of these."

  --_Life_.




INQUISITIVENESS


_See_ Wives.




INSANITY


_See_ Editors; Love.




INSPIRATIONS


She was from Boston, and he was not.

He had spent a harrowing evening discussing authors of whom he knew
nothing, and their books, of which he knew less.

Presently the maiden asked archly: "Of course, you've read 'Romeo and
Juliet?'"

He floundered helplessly for a moment and then, having a brilliant
thought, blurted out, happily:

"I've--I've read Romeo!"




INSTALMENT PLAN


Half the world doesn't know how many things the other half is paying
instalments on.




INSTRUCTIONS


A lively looking porter stood on the rear platform of a sleeping-car in
the Pennsylvania station when a fussy and choleric old man clambered up
the steps. He stopped at the door, puffed for a moment, and then turned
to the young man in uniform.

"Porter," he said. "I'm going to St. Louis, to the Fair. I want to be
well taken care of. I pay for it. Do you understand?"

"Yes, sir, but--"

"Never mind any 'buts.' You listen to what I say. Keep the train boys
away from me. Dust me off whenever I want you to. Give me an extra
blanket, and if there is any one in the berth over me slide him into
another. I want you to--"

"But, say, boss, I--"

"Young man, when I'm giving instructions I prefer to do the talking
myself. You do as I say. Here is a two-dollar bill. I want to get the
good of it. Not a word, sir."

The train was starting. The porter pocketed the bill with a grin and
swung himself to the ground. "All right, boss!" he shouted. "You can do
the talking if you want to. I'm powerful sorry you wouldn't let me tell
you--but I ain't going out on that train."




INSURANCE, LIFE


A man went to an insurance office to have his life insured the other
day.

"Do you cycle?" the insurance agent asked.

"No," said the man.

"Do you motor?"

"No."

"Do you, then, perhaps, fly?"

"No, no," said the applicant, laughing; "I have no dangerous--"

But the agent interrupted him curtly.

"Sorry, sir," he said, "but we no longer insure pedestrians."




INSURANCE BLANKS


_See_ Irish bulls.




INSURGENTS


"And what," asked a visitor to the North Dakota State Fair, "do you call
that kind of cucumber?"

"That," replied a Fargo politician, "is the Insurgent cucumber. It
doesn't always agree with a party."




INTERVIEWS


"Haven't your opinions on this subject undergone a change?"

"No," replied Senator Soghum.

"But your views, as you expressed them some time ago?"

"Those were not my views. Those were my interviews."




INVITATIONS


"Recently," says a Richmond man, "I received an invitation to the
marriage of a young colored couple formerly in my employ. I am quite
sure that all persons similarly favored were left in little doubt as to
the attitude of the couple. The invitation ran as follows:

"You are invited to the marriage of Mr. Henry Clay Barker and Miss
Josephine Mortimer Dixon at the house of the bride's mother. All who
cannot come may send."--_Howard Morse_.


One day a Chinese poor man met the head of his family in the street.

"Come and dine with us tonight," the mandarin said graciously.

"Thank you," said the poor relation. "But wouldn't tomorrow night do
just as well?"

"Yes, certainly. But where are you dining tonight?" asked the mandarin
curiously.

"At your house. You see, your estimable wife was good enough to give me
tonight's invitation."


MARION (just from the telephone)--"He wanted to
know if we would go to the theater with him, and I said we would."

MADELINE--"Who was speaking?"

MARION--"Oh, gracious! I forgot to ask."


Little Willie wanted a birthday party, to which his mother consented,
provided he ask his little friend Tommy. The boys had had trouble, but,
rather than not have the party, Willie promised his mother to invite
Tommy.

On the evening of the party, when all the small guests had arrived
except Tommy, the mother became suspicious and sought her son.

"Willie," she said, "did you invite Tommy to your party tonight?"

"Yes, Mother."

"And did he say he would not come?"

"No," explained Willie. "I invited him all right, but I dared him to
come."




IRISH BULLS


Two Irishmen were among a class that was being drilled in marching
tactics. One was new at the business, and, turning to his companion,
asked him the meaning of the command "Halt!" "Why," said Mike, "when he
says 'Halt,' you just bring the foot that's on the ground to the side av
the foot that's in the air, an' remain motionless."


"Dear teacher," wrote little Johnny's mother, "kindly excuse John's
absence from school yesterday afternoon, as he fell in the mud. By doing
the same you will greatly oblige his mother."


An Irishman once was mounted on a mule which was kicking its legs rather
freely. The mule finally got its hoof caught in the stirrup, when the
Irishman excitedly remarked: "Well, begorra, if you're goin' to git on
I'll git off."


"The doctor says if 'e lasts till moring 'e'll 'ave some 'ope, but if 'e
don't, the doctor says 'e give 'im up."


For rent--A room for a gentleman with all conveniences.


A servant of an English nobleman died and her relatives telegraphed him:
"Jane died last night, and wishes to know if your lordship will pay her
funeral expenses."


A pretty school teacher, noticing one of her little charges idle, said
sharply: "John, the devil always finds something for idle hands to do.
Come up here and let me give you some work."


A college professor, noted for strict discipline, entered the classroom
one day and noticed a girl student sitting with her feet in the aisle
and chewing gum.

"Mary," exclaimed the indignant professor, "take that gum out of your
mouth and put your feet in."


MAGISTRATE--"You admit you stole the pig?"

PRISONER--"I 'ave to."

MAGISTRATE--"Very well, then. There has been a lot of pig-stealing going
on lately, and I am going to make an example of you, or none of us will
be safe."--_M.L. Hayward_.


"In choosing his men," said the Sabbath-school superintendent, "Gideon
did not select those who laid aside their arms and threw themselves down
to drink; but he took those who watched with one eye and drank with the
other."--_Joe King_.


"If you want to put that song over you must sing louder."

"I'm singing as loud as I can. What more can I do?"

"Be more enthusiastic. Open your mouth, and throw yourself into it."


A little old Irishman was trying to see the Hudson-Fulton procession
from Grant's Tomb. He stood up on a bench, but was jerked down by a
policeman. Then he tried the stone balustrade and being removed from
that vantage point, climbed the railing of Li Hung Chang's gingko-tree.
Pulled off that, he remarked: "Ye can't look at annything frum where ye
can see it frum."


MRS. JENKINS--"Mrs. Smith, we shall be neighbors now. I have bought a
house next you, with a water frontage."

MRS. SMITH--"So glad! I hope you will drop in some time."


In the hall of a Philharmonic society the following notice was posted:

"The seats in this hall are for the use of the ladies. Gentlemen are
requested to make use of them only after the former are seated."


Sir Boyle Roche is credited with saying that "no man can be in two
places at the same time, barring he is a bird."


A certain high-school professor, who at times is rather blunt in speech,
remarked to his class of boys at the beginning of a lesson. "I don't
know why it is--every time I get up to speak, some fool talks." Then he
wondered why the boys burst out into a roar of laughter.--_Grub S.
Arts_.


Once, at a criminal court, a young chap from Connemara was being tried
for an agrarian murder. Needless to say, he had the gallery on his side,
and the men and women began to express their admiration by stamping, not
loudly, but like muffled drums. A big policeman came up to the gallery,
scowled at the disturbers then, when that had no effect, called out in a
stage whisper:

"Wud ye howld yer tongues there! Howld yer tongues wid yer feet!"


The ways in which application forms for insurance are filled up are
often more amusing than enlightening, as The British Medical Journal
shows in the following excellent selection of examples:

Mother died in infancy.

Father went to bed feeling well, and the next morning woke up dead.

Grandmother died suddenly at the age of 103. Up to this time she bade
fair to reach a ripe old age.


Applicant does not know anything about maternal posterity, except that
they died at an advanced age.

Applicant does not know cause of mother's death, but states that she
fully recovered from her last illness.

Applicant has never been fatally sick.

Applicant's brother who was an infant died when he was a mere child.

Mother's last illness was caused from chronic rheumatism, but she was
cured before death.




IRISHMEN


A Peoria merchant deals in "Irish confetti." We take it that he runs a
brick-yard.--_Chicago Tribune_.


Here are some words, concerning the Hibernian spoken by a New England
preacher, Nathaniel Ward, in the sober year of sixteen hundred--a spark
of humor struck from flint. "These Irish, anciently called
'Anthropophagi,' man-eaters, have a tradition among them that when the
devil showed Our Savior all the kingdoms of the earth and their glory,
he would not show Him Ireland, but reserved it for himself; it is
probably true, for he hath kept it ever since for his own peculiar."


An Irishman once lined up his family of seven giant-like sons and
invited his caller to take a look at them.

"Ain't they fine boys?" inquired the father.

"They are," agreed the visitor.

"The finest in the world!" exclaimed the father. "An' I nivver laid
violent hands on any one of 'em except in silf-difince."--_Popular
Magazine_.


_See also_ Fighting; Irish bulls.




IRREVERENCE


  There were three young women of Birmingham,
  And I know a sad story concerning 'em:
    They stuck needles and pins
    In the reverend shins
  Of the Bishop engaged in confirming 'em.

  --_Gilbert K. Chesterton_.


A few years ago Henry James reviewed a new novel by Gertrude Atherton.
After reading the review Mrs. Atherton wrote to Mr. James as follows:

    "Dear Mr. James: I have read with much pleasure your review of
    my novel. Will you kindly let me know whether you liked it or
    not?"

    Sincerely,

    "GERTRUDE ATHERTON."




JEWELS


  The girl with the ruby lips we like,
    The lass with teeth of pearl,
  The maid with the eyes like diamonds,
    The cheek-like-coral girl;
  The girl with the alabaster brow,
    The lass from the Emerald Isle.
  All these we like, but not the jade
    With the sardonyx smile.





JEWS


What is the difference between a banana and a Jew? You can skin the
banana.


He was quite evidently from the country and he was also quite evidently
a Yankee, and from behind his bowed spectacles he peered inquisitively
at the little oily Jew who occupied the other half of the car seat with
him.

The little Jew looked at him deprecatingly. "Nice day," he began
politely.

"You're a Jew, ain't you?" queried the Yankee.

"Yes, sir, I'm a clothing salesman," handing him a card.

"But you're a Jew?"

"Yes, yes, I'm a Jew," came the answer.

"Well," continued the Yankee, "I'm a Yankee, and in the little village
in Maine where I come from I'm proud to say there ain't a Jew."

"Dot's why it's a village," replied the little Jew quietly.


The men were arguing as to who was the greatest inventor. One said
Stephenson, who invented the locomotive. Another declared it was the man
who invented the compass. Another contended for Edison. Still another
for the Wrights,

Finally one of them turned to a little man who had remained silent:

"Who do you think?"

"Vell," he said, with a hopeful smile, "the man who invented interest
was no slouch."


Levinsky, despairing of his life, made an appointment with a famous
specialist. He was surprised to find fifteen or twenty people in the
waiting-room.

After a few minutes he leaned over to a gentleman near him and
whispered, "Say, mine frient, this must be a pretty goot doctor, ain't
he?"

"One of the best," the gentleman told him.

Levinsky seemed to be worrying over something.

"Vell, say," he whispered again, "he must be pretty exbensive, then,
ain't he? Vat does he charge?"

The stranger was annoyed by Levinsky's questions and answered rather
shortly: "Fifty dollars for the first consultation and twenty-five
dollars for each visit thereafter."

"Mine Gott!" gasped Levinsky--"Fifty tollars the first time und
twenty-five tollars each time afterwards!"

For several minutes he seemed undecided whether to go or to wait. "Und
twenty-five tollars each time afterwards," he kept muttering. Finally,
just as he was called into the office, he was seized with a brilliant
inspiration. He rushed toward the doctor with outstretched hands.

"Hello, doctor," he said effusively. "Vell, here I am _again_."


The Jews are among the aristocracy of every land; if a literature is
called rich in the possession of a few classic tragedies what shall we
say to a national tragedy lasting for fifteen hundred years, in which
the poets and the actors were also the heroes.--_George Eliot_.


_See also_ Failures; Fires.




JOKES


A nut and a joke are alike in that they can both be cracked, and
different in that the joke can be cracked again.--_William J.
Burtscher_.


JOKELY--"I got a batch of aeroplane jokes ready and sent them out last
week."

BOGGS--"What luck did you have with them?"

JOKELY--"Oh, they all came flying back."--_Will S. Gidley_.


  "I ne'er forget a joke I have
    Once heard!" Augustus cried.
  "And neither do you let your friends
    Forget it!" Jane replied.

  --_Childe Harold_.

A negro bricklayer in Macon, Georgia, was lying down during the noon
hour, sleeping in the hot sun. The clock struck one, the time to pick up
his hod again. He rose, stretched, and grumbled: "I wish I wuz daid.
'Tain' nothin' but wuk, wuk from mawnin' tell night."

Another negro, a story above, heard the complaint and dropped a brick on
the grumbler's head.

Dazed he looked up and said:

"De Lawd can' stan' no jokes. He jes' takes ev'ything in yearnist."


The late H.C. Bunner, when editor of _Puck_, once received a letter
accompanying a number of would-be jokes in which the writer asked: "What
will you give me for these?"

"Ten yards start," was Bunner's generous offer, written beneath the
query.


NEW CONGRESSMAN--"What can I do for you, sir?"

SALESMAN (of Statesmen's Anecdote Manufacturing Company)--"I shall be
delighted if you'll place an order for a dozen of real, live, snappy,
humorous anecdotes as told by yourself, sir."


Jokes were first imported to this country several hundred years ago from
Egypt, Babylon and Assyria, and have since then grown and multiplied.
They are in extensive use in all parts of the country and as an antidote
for thought are indispensable at all dinner parties.

There were originally twenty-five jokes, but when this country was
formed they added a constitution, which increased the number to
twenty-six. These jokes have married and inter-married among themselves
and their children travel from press to press.

Frequently in one week a joke will travel from New York to San
Francisco.

The joke is no respecter of persons. Shameless and unconcerned, he tells
the story of his life over and over again. Outside of the ballot-box he
is the greatest repeater that we have.

Jokes are of three kinds--plain, illustrated and pointless. Frequently
they are all three.

No joke is without honor, except in its own country. Jokes form one of
our staples and employ an army of workers who toil night and day to turn
out the often neatly finished product. The importation of jokes while
considerable is not as great as it might be, as the flavor is lost in
transit.

Jokes are used in the household as an antiseptic. As scenebreakers they
have no equal.--_Life_.


  Here's to the joke, the good old joke,
    The joke that our fathers told;
  It is ready tonight and is jolly and bright
    As it was in the days of old.

  When Adam was young it was on his tongue,
    And Noah got in the swim
  By telling the jest as the brightest and best
    That ever happened to him.

  So here's to the joke, the good old joke--
    We'll hear it again tonight.
  It's health we will quaff; that will help us to laugh,
    And to treat it in manner polite.

  --_Lew Dockstader_.


  A jest's prosperity lies in the ear
  Of him that hears it, never in the tongue
  Of him that makes it.

  --_Shakespeare_.



JOURNALISM


A Louisville journalist was excessively proud of his little boy. Turning
to the old black nurse, "Aunty," said he, stroking the little pate,
"this boy seems to have a journalistic head." "Oh," cried the untutored
old aunty, soothingly, "never you mind 'bout dat; dat'll come right in
time."


John R. McLean, owner of the Cincinnati _Enquirer_ and the Washington
_Post_, tells this story of the days when he was actively in charge of
the Cincinnati newspaper: An _Enquirer_ reporter was sent to a town in
southwestern Ohio to get the story of a woman evangelist who had been
greatly talked about. The reporter attended one of her meetings and
occupied a front seat. When those who wished to be saved were asked to
arise, he kept his seat and used his notebook. The evangelist
approached, and, taking him by the hand, said, "Come to Jesus."

"Madam," said the newspaper man, "I'm here solely on business--to report
your work."

"Brother," said she, "there is no business so important as God's."

"Well, may be not," said the reporter; "but you don't know John R.
McLean."


  A newspaper man named Fling
  Could make "copy" from any old thing.
    But the copy he wrote
    Of a five dollar note
  Was so good he is now in Sing Sing.

  --_Columbia Jester_.


"Come in," called the magazine editor.

"Sir, I have called to see about that article of mine that you bought
two years ago. My name is Pensnink--Percival Perrhyn Pensnink. My
composition was called 'The Behavior of Chipmunks in Thunderstorms,' and
I should like to know how much longer I must watch and wait before I
shall see it in print."

"I remember," the editor replied. "We are saving your little essay to
use at the time of your death. When public attention is drawn to an
author we like to have something of his on hand."


  Hear, land o' cakes, and brither Scots,
  Frae Maidenkirk to Johnny Groat's;
  If there's a hole in a' your coats,
  I rede you tent it:
  A chiel's amang you taking notes,
  And, faith, he'll prent it.

  --_Burns_.


_See also_ Newspapers.




JUDGES


A judge once had a case in which the accused man understood only Irish.
An interpreter was accordingly sworn. The prisoner said something to the
interpreter.

"What does he say?" demanded his lordship.

"Nothing, my lord," was the reply.

"How dare you say that when we all heard him? Come on, sir, what was
it?"

"My lord," said the interpreter beginning to tremble, "it had nothing to
do with the case."

"If you don't answer I'll commit you, sir!" roared the judge. "Now, what
did he say?"

"Well, my lord, you'll excuse me, but he said, 'Who's that old woman
with the red bed curtain round her, sitting up there?"

At which the court roared.

"And what did you say?" asked the judge, looking a little uncomfortable.

"I said: 'Whist, ye spalpeen! That's the ould boy that's going to hang
you."


A gentleman of color who was brought before a police judge, on a charge
of stealing chickens, pleaded guilty. After sentencing him, the judge
asked how he had managed to steal the chickens when the coop was so near
the owner's house and there was a vicious dog in the yard.

"Hit wouldn't be of no use, Judge," answered the darky, "to try to
'splain dis yer thing to yo' 't all. Ef yo' was to try it, like as not
yo' would get yer hide full o' shot, an' get no chicken, nuther. Ef yo'
wants to engage in any rascality, Judge, yo' better stick to de bench
whar yo' am familiar."--_Mrs. L.F. Clarke_.


Four things belong to a judge: to hear courteously, to answer wisely, to
consider soberly, and to decide impartially.--_Socrates_.




JUDGMENT


HUSBAND--"But you must admit that men have better judgment than women."

WIFE--"Oh, yes--you married me, and I you."--_Life_.




JURY


In the south of Ireland a judge heard his usher of the court say,
"Gentlemen of the jury, take your proper places," and was convulsed with
laughter at seeing seven of them walk into the dock.


There was recently haled into an Alabama court a little Irishman to whom
the thing was a new experience. He was, however, unabashed, and wore an
air of a man determined not to "get the worst of it."

"Prisoner at the bar," called out the clerk, "do you wish to challenge
any of the jury?"

The Celt looked the men in the box over very carefully.

"Well, I tell ye," he finally replied, "Oi'm not exactly in trainin',
but Oi think Oi could pull off a round or two with thot fat old boy in
th' corner."


JUSTICE


There are two sides to every question-the wrong side and our side.


"What, Tommy, in the jam again, and you whipped for it only an hour
ago!"

"Yes'm, but I heard you tell Auntie that you thought you whipped me too
hard, so I thought I'd just even up."


  One man's word is no man's word,
  Justice is that both be heard.


He who decides a case without hearing the other side, though he decide
justly cannot be considered just.--_Seneca_.




JUVENILE DELINQUENCY


A woman left her baby in its carriage at the door of a department-store.
A policeman found it there, apparently abandoned, and wheeled it to the
station. As he passed down the street a gamin yelled: "What's the kid
done?"




KENTUCKY


Kentucky is the state where they have poor feud laws.




KINDNESS


Kindness goes a long ways lots o' times when it ought t' stay at
home.--_Abe Martin_.


An old couple came in from the country, with a big basket of lunch, to
see the circus. The lunch was heavy. The old wife was carrying it. As
they crossed a street, the husband held out his hand and said, "Gimme
that basket, Hannah."

The poor old woman surrendered the basket with a grateful look.

"That's real kind o' ye, Joshua," she quavered.

"Kind!" grunted the old man. "I wuz afeared ye'd git lost."


A fat woman entered a crowded street car and seizing a strap, stood
directly in front of a man seated in the corner. As the car started she
lunged against his newspaper and at the same time trod heavily on his
toes.

As soon as he could extricate himself he rose and offered her his seat.

"You are very kind, sir," she said, panting for breath.

"Not at all, madam," he replied; "it's not kindness; it's simply
self-defense."




KINGS AND RULERS


"I think," said the heir apparent, "that I will add music and dancing to
my accomplishments."

"Aren't they rather light?"

"They may seem so to you, but they will be very handy if a revolution
occurs and I have to go into vaudeville."


The present King George in his younger days visited Canada in company
with the Duke of Clarence. One night at a ball in Quebec, given in honor
of the two royalties, the younger Prince devoted his time exclusively to
the young ladies, paying little or no attention to the elderly ones and
chaperons.

His brother reprimanded him, pointing out to him his social position and
his duty as well.

"That's all right," said the young Prince. "There are two of us. You go
and sing God save your Grandmother, while I dance with the girls."


  And so we sing, "Long live the King;
  Long live the Queen and Jack;
  Long live the Ten-spot and the Ace,
  And also all the pack."

  --_Eugene Field_.


FIRST EUROPEAN SOCIETY LADY--"Wouldn't you like to be presented to our
sovereign?"

SECOND E.S.L.--"No. Simply because I have to be governed by a man is no
reason why I should condescend to meet him socially."


One afternoon Kaiser Wilhelm caustically reproved old General Von
Meerscheidt for some small lapses.

"If your Majesty thinks that I am too old for the service please permit
me to resign," said the General.

"No; you are too young to resign," said the Kaiser.

In the evening of that same day, at a court ball, the Kaiser saw the old
General talking to some young ladies, and he said:

"General, take a young wife, then your excitable temperament will
vanish."

"Excuse me, your Majesty," replied the General. "It would kill me to
have both a young wife and a young Emperor."


During the war of 1812, a dinner was given in Canada, at which both
American and British officers were present. One of the latter offered
the toast: "To President Madison, dead or alive!"

An American offered the response: "To the Prince Regent, drunk or
sober!"--_Mrs. Gouverneur_.


A lady of Queen Victoria's court once asked her if she did not think
that one of the satisfactions of the future life would be the meeting
with the notable figures of the past, such as Abraham, Isaac and King
David. After a moment's silence, with perfect dignity and decision the
great Queen made answer: "I will _not_ meet David!"


  Ten poor men sleep in peace on one straw heap, as Saadi sings,
  But the immensest empire is too narrow for two kings.

  --_William R. Alger_.


  Here lies our sovereign lord, the king,
    Whose word no man relies on,
  Who never said a foolish thing,
    And never did a wise one.

Said by a courtier of Charles, II. To which the King replied, "That is
very true, for my words are my own. My actions are my minister's."




KISSES


  Here's to a kiss:
  Give me a kiss, and to that kiss add a score,
  Then to that twenty add a hundred more;
  A thousand to that hundred, and so kiss on,
  To make that thousand quite a million,
  Treble that million, and when that is done
  Let's kiss afresh as though we'd just begun.


"If I should kiss you I suppose you'd go and tell your mother."

"No; my lawyer."


"What is he so angry with you for?"

"I haven't the slightest idea. We met in the street, and we were talking
just as friendly as could be, when all of a sudden he flared up and
tried to kick me."

"And what were you talking about?"

"Oh, just ordinary small talk. I remember he said, 'I always kiss my
wife three or four times every day.'"

"And what did you say?"

"I said, 'I know at least a dozen men who do the same,' and then he had
a fit."


  There was an old maiden from Fife,
  Who had never been kissed in her life;
    Along came a cat;
    And she said, "I'll kiss that!"
  But the cat answered, "Not on your life!"


  Here's to the red of the holly berry,
    And to its leaf so green;
  And here's to the lips that are just as red,
    And the fellow who's not so green.


  There was a young sailor of Lyd,
  Who loved a fair Japanese kid;
    When it came to good-bye,
    They were eager but shy,
  So they put up a sunshade and--did.


  There once was a maiden of Siam,
  Who said to her lover, young Kiam,
    "If you kiss me, of course
    You will have to use force,
  But God knows you're stronger than I am."


Lord! I wonder what fool it was that first invented kissing.--_Swift_.


_See also_ Courtship; Servants.




KNOWLEDGE


A physician was driving through a village when he saw a man amusing a
crowd with the antics of his trick dog. The doctor pulled up and said:
"My dear man, how do you manage to train your dog that way? I can't
teach mine a single trick."

The man glanced up with a simple rustic look and replied: "Well, you
see, it's this way; you have to know more'n the dog or you can't learn
him nothin'."


With knowledge and love the world is made.--_Anatole France_.




KULTUR


HERR HAMMERSCHLEGEL (winding up the argument)--"I think you iss a stupid
fool!"

MONSIEUR--"And I sink you a polite gentleman; but possible, is it, we
both mistaken."--_Life_.




LABOR AND LABORING CLASSES


A farmer in great need of extra hands at haying time finally asked Si
Warren, who was accounted the town fool, if he could help him out.

"What'll ye pay?" asked Si.

"I'll pay you what you're worth," answered the farmer.

Si scratched his head a minute, then answered decisively:

"I'll be _durned_ if I'll work for that!"




LADIES


_See_ Etiquet; Woman.




LANDLORDS


An English tourist was sightseeing in Ireland and the guide had pointed
out the Devil's Gap, the Devil's Peak, and the Devil's Leap to him.

"Pat," he said, "the devil seems to have a great deal of property in
this district!"

"He has, sir," replied the guide, "but, sure, he's like all the
landlords--he lives in England!"




LANGUAGES


George Ade, with a fellow American, was traveling in the Orient, and his
companion one day fell into a heated argument with an old Arab. Ade's
friend complained to him afterward that although he had spent years in
studying Arabic in preparation for this trip he could not understand a
word that the native said.

"Never mind," replied Ade consolingly. "You see, the old duffer hasn't a
tooth in his head, and he was only talking gum-Arabic."


Milton was one day asked by a friend whether he would instruct his
daughters in the different languages.

"No, sir," he said; "one tongue is sufficient for any woman."


Prince Bismarck was once pressed by a certain American official to
recommend his son for a diplomatic post. "He is a very remarkable
fellow," said the proud father; "he speaks seven languages."

"Indeed!" said Bismarck, who did not hold a very high opinion of
linguistic acquirements. "What a wonderful headwaiter he would make!"




LAUGHTER


TEACHER--"Freddie, you musn't laugh out loud in the schoolroom."

FREDDIE--"I didn't mean to do it. I was smiling, and the smile busted."


  Laugh and the world laughs with you,
  Weep, and the laugh's on you.


About the best and finest thing in this world is laughter.--_Anna Alice
Chapin_.




LAW


_See_ Punishment.




LAWYERS


Ignorance of the law does not prevent the losing lawyer from collecting
his bill.--_Puck_.


George Ade had finished his speech at a recent dinner-party, and on
seating himself a well-known lawyer rose, shoved his hands deep into his
trousers' pockets, as was his habit and laughingly inquired of those
present:

"Doesn't it strike the company as a little unusual that a professional
humorist should be funny?"

When the laugh had subsided, Ade drawled out:

"Doesn't it strike the company as a little unusual that a lawyer should
have his hands in his own pockets?"


A man was charged with stealing a horse, and after a long trial the jury
acquitted him. Later in the day the man came back and asked the judge
for a warrant against the lawyer who had successfully defended him.

"What's the charge?" inquired the judge.

"Why, Your Honor," replied the man, "you see, I didn't have the money to
pay him his fee, so he took the horse I stole."--_J.J. O'Connell_.


An elderly darky in Georgia, charged with the theft of some chickens,
had the misfortune to be defended by a young and inexperienced attorney,
although it is doubtful whether anyone could have secured his acquittal,
the commission of the crime having been proved beyond all doubt.

The darky received a pretty severe sentence. "Thank you, sah," said he
cheerfully, addressing the judge when the sentence had been pronounced.
"Dat's mighty hard, sah, but it ain't anywhere what I 'spected. I
thought, sah, dat between my character and dat speech of my lawyer dat
you'd hang me, shore!"


"You have a pretty tough looking lot of customers to dispose of this
morning, haven't you?" remarked the friend of a magistrate, who had
dropped in at the police court.

"Huh!" rejoined the dispenser of justice, "you are looking at the wrong
bunch. Those are the lawyers."


"Did youse git anyt'ing?" whispered the burglar on guard as his pal
emerged from the window.

"Naw, de bloke wot lives here is a lawyer," replied the other in
disgust.

"Dat's hard luck," said the first; "did youse lose anyt'ing?"


The dean of the Law Department was very busy and rather cross. The
telephone rang.

"Well, what is it?" he snapped.

"Is that the city gas-works?" said a woman's soft voice.

"No, madam," roared the dean; "this is the University Law Department."

"Ah," she answered in the sweetest of tones, "I didn't miss it so far,
after all, did I?"--_Carl Holliday_.


A lawyer cross-examining a witness, asked him where he was on a
particular day; to which he replied that he had been in the company of
two friends. "Friends.'" exclaimed his tormentor; "two thieves, I
suppose." "They may be so," replied the witness, dryly, "for they are
both lawyers."


An impecunious young lawyer recently received the following letter from
a tailor to whom he was indebted:

    "Dear Sir: Kindly advise me by return mail when I may expect a
    remittance from you in settlement of my account.

    Yours truly,

    J. SNIPPEN."

The follower of Blackstone immediately replied:

    "Dear Sir: I have your request for advice of a recent date,
    and beg leave to say that not having received any retainer
    from you I cannot act in the premises. Upon receipt of your
    check for $250 I shall be very glad to look the matter up for
    you and to acquaint you with the results of my investigations.

    I am, sir, with great respect, your most obedient servant,

    BARCLAY B. COKE."


A prisoner was brought before the bar in the criminal court, but was not
represented by a lawyer.

"Where is your lawyer?" asked the judge who presided.

"I have none, sir," replied the prisoner.

"Why not?" queried the judge.

"Because I have no money to pay one."

"Do you want a lawyer?" asked the judge.

"Yes, sir."

"Well, there are Mr. Thomas W. Wilson, Mr. Henry Eddy, and Mr. George
Rogers," said the judge, pointing to several young attorneys who were
sitting in the room, waiting for something to turn up, "and Mr. Allen is
out in the hall."

The prisoner looked at the attorneys, and, after a critical survey, he
turned to the judge and said:

"If I can take my choice, sir, I guess I'll take Mr. Allen."--_A.S.
Hitchcock_.


"What is that little boy crying about?" asked the benevolent old lady of
the ragged boy.

"Dat other kid swiped his candy," was the response.

"But how is it that you have the candy now?"

"Sure I got de candy now. I'm de little kid's lawyer."


A man walking along the street of a village stepped into a hole in the
sidewalk and broke his leg. He engaged a famous lawyer, brought suit
against the village for one thousand dollars and won the case. The city
appealed to the Supreme Court, but again the great lawyer won.

After the claim was settled the lawyer sent for his client and handed
him one dollar.

"What's this?" asked the man.

"That's your damages, after taking out my fee, the cost of appeal and
other expenses," replied the counsel.

The man looked at the dollar, turned it over and carefully scanned the
other side. Then looked up at the lawyer and said: "What's the matter
with this dollar? Is it counterfeit?"


Deceive not thy Physician, Confessor nor Lawyer.


  A Sergeant of the Lawe, war and wys
  Ther was also, ful riche of excellence.
  Discreet he was, and of greet reverence:
  He seemed swich, his wordes weren so wyse.
                   * * *
  No-wher so bisy a man as he ther nas,
  And yet he seemed bisier than he was.

  --_Chaucer_.




LAZINESS


A tourist in the mountains of Tennessee once had dinner with a querulous
old mountaineer who yarned about hard times for fifteen minutes at a
stretch.

"Why, man," said the tourist, "you ought to be able to make lots of
money shipping green corn to the northern market."

"Yes, I otter," was the sullen reply.

"You have the land, I suppose, and can get the seed."

"Yes, I guess so."

"Then why don't you go into the speculation?"

"No use, stranger," sadly replied the cracker, "the old woman is too
lazy to do the plowin' and plantin'."


While the train was waiting on a side track down in Georgia, one of the
passengers walked over to a cabin near the track, in front of which sat
a cracker dog, howling. The passenger asked a native why the dog was
howling.

"Hookworm," said the native. "He's lazy."

"But," said the stranger, "I was not aware that the hookworm is
painful."

"'Taint," responded the garrulous native.

"Why, then," the stranger queried, "should the dog howl?"

"Lazy."

"But why does laziness make him howl?"

"Wal," said the Georgian, "that blame fool dawg is sittin' on a
sand-bur, an' he's too tarnation lazy to get off, so he jes' sets thar
an' howls 'cause it hurts."


"How's times?" inquired a tourist.

"Oh, pretty tolerable," responded the old native who was sitting on a
stump. "I had some trees to cut down, but a cyclone come along and saved
me the trouble."

"Fine."

"Yes, and then the lightning set fire to the brush pile and saved me the
trouble of burnin' it."

"Remarkable. But what are you going to do now?"

"Oh, nothin' much. Jest waitin' for an earthquake to come along and
shake the potatoes out of the ground."


A tramp, after a day or two in the hustling, bustling town of Denver,
shook the Denver dust from his boots with a snarl.

"They must be durn lazy people in this town. Everywhere you turn they
offer you work to do."


An Atlanta man tells of an amusing experience he had in a mountainous
region in a southwestern state, where the inhabitants are notoriously
shiftless. Arriving at a dilapidated shanty at the noon hour, he
inquired as to the prospects for getting dinner.

The head of the family, who had been "resting" on a fallen tree in front
of his dwelling, made reply to the effect that he "guessed Ma'd hev
suthin' on to the table putty soon."

With this encouragement, the traveler dismounted. To his chagrin,
however, he soon discovered that the food set before him was such that
he could not possibly "make a meal." He made such excuses as he could
for his lack of appetite, and finally bethought himself of a kind of
nourishment which he might venture to take, and which was sure to be
found in any locality. He asked for some milk.

"Don't have milk no more," said the head of the place. "The dawg's
dead."

"The dog!" cried the stranger. "What on earth has the dog to do with
it?"

"Well," explained the host meditatively, "them cows don't seem to know
'nough to come up and be milked theirselves. The dog, he used to go for
'em an' fetch 'em up."--_Edwin Tarrisse_.


Some temptations come to the industrious, but all temptations attack the
idle.--_Spurgeon_.




LEAP YEAR


A girl looked calmly at a caller one evening and remarked:

"George, as it is leap year--"

The caller turned pale.

"As it is leap year," she continued, "and you've been calling regularly
now four nights a week for a long, long time, George, I propose--"

"I'm not in a position to marry on my salary Grace" George interrupted
hurriedly.

"I know that, George," the girl pursued, "and so, as it is leap year, I
thought I'd propose that you lay off and give some of the more eligible
fellows a chance."--_L.F. Clarke_.




LEGISLATORS


Thomas B. Reed was one of the Legislative Committee sent to inspect an
insane asylum. There was a dance on the night the committee spent in the
investigation, and Mr. Reed took for a partner one of the fair
unfortunates to whom he was introduced.

"I don't remember having seen you here before," said she; "how long have
you been in the asylum?"

"Oh, I only came down yesterday," said the gentleman, "as one of the
Legislative Committee."

"Of course," returned the lady; "how stupid I am! However, I knew you
were an inmate or a member of the Legislature the moment I looked at
you. But how was I to know? It is so difficult to know which."




LIARS


There are three kinds of liars:

1. The man whom others can't believe. He is harmless. Let him alone.

2. The man who can't believe others. He has probably made a careful
study of human nature. If you don't put him in jail, he will find out
that you are a hypocrite.

3. The man who can't believe himself. He is a cautious individual.
Encourage him.


Two Irishmen were working on the roof of a building one day when one
made a misstep and fell to the ground. The other leaned over and called:

"Are yez dead or alive, Mike?"

"Oi'm alive," said Mike feebly.

"Sure you're such a liar Oi don't know whether to belave yez or not."

"Well, then, Oi must be dead," said Mike, "for yez would never dare to
call me a liar if Oi wor aloive."


FATHER (reprovingly)--"Do you know what happens to liars when they die?"

JOHNNY--"Yes, sir; they lie still."


A private, anxious to secure leave of absence, sought his captain with a
most convincing tale about a sick wife breaking her heart for his
absence. The officer, familiar with the soldier's ways, replied:

"I am afraid you are not telling the truth. I have just received a
letter from your wife urging me not to let you come home because you get
drunk, break the furniture, and mistreat her shamefully."

The private saluted and started to leave the room. He paused at the
door, asking: "Sor, may I speak to you, not as an officer, but as mon to
mon?"

"Yes; what is it?"

"Well, sor, what I'm after sayin' is this," approaching the captain and
lowering his voice. "You and I are two of the most iligant liars the
Lord ever made. I'm not married at all."


A conductor and a brakeman on a Montana railroad differ as to the proper
pronunciation of the name Eurelia. Passengers are often startled upon
arrival at his station to hear the conductor yell:

"You're a liar! You're a liar!"

And then from the brakeman at the other end of the car:

"You really are! You really are!"


MOTHER--"Oh, Bobby, I'm ashamed of you. I never told stories when I was
a little girl."

BOBBY--"When did you begin, then, Mamma?"--_Horace Zimmerman_.


The sages of the general store were discussing the veracity of old Si
Perkins when Uncle Bill Abbott ambled in.

"What do you think about it, Uncle Bill?" they asked him. "Would you
call Si Perkins a liar?"

"Well," answered Uncle Bill slowly, as he thoughtfully studied the
ceiling, "I don't know as I'd go so far as to call him a liar exactly,
but I do know this much: when feedin' time comes, in order to get any
response from his hogs, he has to get somebody else to call 'em for
him."


A lie is an abomination unto the Lord and an ever present help in time
of trouble.


An Idaho guide whose services were retained by some wealthy young
easterners desirous of hunting in the Northwest evidently took them to
be the greenest of tenderfoots, since he undertook to chaff them with a
recital something as follows:

"It was my first grizzly, so I was mighty proud to kill him in a
hand-to-hand struggle. We started to fight about sunrise. When he
finally gave up the ghost, the sun was going down."

At this point the guide paused to note the effect of his story. Not a
word was said by the easterners, so the guide added very slowly, "_for
the second time_."

"I gather, then," said one young gentleman, a dapper little Bostonian,
"that it required a period of two days to enable you to dispose of that
grizzly."

"Two days and a night," said the guide, with a grin. "That grizzly died
mighty hard."

"Choked to death?" asked the Bostonian.

"Yes, _sir_," said the guide.

"Pardon me," continued the Hubbite, "but what did you try to get him to
swallow?"


  When by night the frogs are croaking,
  Kindle but a torch's fire;
  Ha! how soon they all are silent;
  Thus Truth silences the liar.

  --_Friedrich von Logan_.


_See also_ Epitaphs; Husbands; Politicians; Real estate agents; Regrets.




LIBERTY


Liberty is being free from the things we don't like in order to be
slaves of the things we do like.


  A day, an hour, of virtuous liberty
  Is worth a whole eternity in bondage.

  --_Addison_.


Where liberty dwells, there is my country.--_Benjamin Franklin_.




LIBRARIANS


A country newspaper printed the following announcement: "The Public
Library will close for two weeks, beginning August 3, for the annual
cleaning and vacation of the librarians."


The modern librarian is a genius. All the proof needed is the statement
that the requests for books with queer titles are filled with ones
really wanted. The following are instances:

    AS ASKED FOR                   CORRECT TITLE

    _Indecent Orders               In Deacon's Orders
    She Combeth Not Her Head       She Cometh Not, She Said
    Trial of a Servant             Trail of the Serpent
    Essays of a Liar               Essays of Elia
    Soap and Tables                Æsop's Fables
    Pocketbook's Hill              Puck of Pook's Hill
    Dentist's Infirmary            Dante's Inferno
    Holy Smoke                     Divine Fire_


One librarian has the following entries in a card catalog:

  Lead Poisoning
  Do, Kindly Light.


A distinguished librarian is a good follower of Chesterton. He says: "To
my way of thinking, a great librarian must have a clear head, a strong
hand and, above all, a great heart. Such shall be greatest among
librarians; and when I look into the future, I am inclined to think that
most of the men who will achieve this greatness will be women."


Many catalogers append notes to the main entries of their catalogs. Here
are two:

  _An Ideal Husband_:
    Essentially a work of fiction,
     and presumably written by a
     woman (unmarried).

  _Aspects of Home Rule_:
    Political, not domestic.


In a branch library a reader asked for _The Girl He Married_ (by James
Grant.) This happened to be out, and the assistant was requested to
select a similar book. Presumably he was a benedict, for he returned
triumphantly with _His Better Half_ (by George Griffith).


"Have you _A Joy Forever_?" inquired a lady borrower.

"No," replied the assistant librarian after referring to the
stock. "Dear me, how tiresome," said the lady; "have you Praed?" "Yes,
madam, but it isn't any good," was the prompt reply.




LIFE


Life's an aquatic meet--some swim, some dive, some back water, some
float and the rest--sink.


  I count life just a stuff
  To try the soul's strength on.

  --_Robert Browning_.


  May you live as long as you like,
  And have what you like as long as you live.


  "Live, while you live," the epicure would say,
  "And seize the pleasures of the present day;"
  "Live, while you live," the sacred Preacher cries,
  "And give to God each moment as it flies."
  "Lord, in my views let both united be;
  I live in _pleasure_, when I live to _Thee_."

  --_Philip Doddridge_.


  This world that we're a-livin' in
    Is mighty hard to beat,
  For you get a thorn with every rose--
    But ain't the roses sweet!


Dost thou love life? Then do not squander time, for that is the stuff
life is made of.--_Benjamin Franklin_.




LISPING


"Have you lost another tooth, Bethesda?" asked auntie, who noticed an
unusual lisp.

"Yes'm," replied the four-year-old, "and I limp now when I talk."




LOST AND FOUND


"I ain't losing any faith in human nature," said Uncle Eben, "but I
kain't he'p noticin' dat dere's allus a heap mo' ahticles advertised
'Lost' dan dar is 'Found.'"


"What were you in for?" asked the friend.

"I found a horse."

"Found a horse? Nonsense! They wouldn't jug you for finding a horse."

"Well, but you see I found him before the owner lost him."


"Party that lost purse containing twenty dollars need worry no
longer--it has been found."--_Brooklyn Life_.


A lawyer having offices in a large office building recently lost a
cuff-link, one of a pair that he greatly prized. Being absolutely
certain that he had dropped the link somewhere in the building he posted
this notice:

"Lost. A gold cuff-link. The owner, William Ward, will deeply appreciate
its immediate return."

That afternoon, on passing the door whereon this notice was posted, what
were the feelings of the lawyer to observe that appended thereto were
these lines:

"The finder of the missing cuff-link would deem it a great favor if the
owner would kindly lose the other link."


CHINAMAN--"You tellee me where railroad depot?"

CITIZEN--"What's the matter, John? Lost?"

CHINAMAN--"No! me here. Depot lost."




LOVE


Love is an insane desire on the part of a chump to pay a woman's
board-bill for life.


MR. SLIMPURSE--"But why do you insist that our daughter should marry a
man whom she does not like? You married for love, didn't you?"

MRS. SLIMPURSE--"Yes; but that is no reason why I should let our
daughter make the same blunder."


MAUDE--"Jack is telling around that you are worth your weight in gold."

ETHEL--"The foolish boy. Who is he telling it to?"

MAUDE--"His creditors."


RICH MAN--"Would you love my daughter just as much if she had no money?"

SUITOR--"Why, certainly!"

RICH MAN--"That's sufficient. I don't want any idiots in this family."


  'Tis better to have lived and loved
  Than never to have lived at all.

  --_Judge_.


May we have those in our arms that we love in our hearts.


Here's to love, the only fire against which there is no insurance.


  Here's to those that I love;
  Here's to those who love me;
  Here's to those who love those that I love.
  Here's to those who love those who love me.


It is best to love wisely, no doubt; but to love foolishly is better
than not to be able to love at all.--_Thackeray_.


  Mysterious love, uncertain treasure,
  Hast thou more of pain or pleasure!
  *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *
  Endless torments dwell about thee:
  Yet who would live, and live without thee!

  --_Addison_.


    O, love, love, love!
    Love is like a dizziness;
  It winna let a poor body
      Gang about his biziness!

  --_Hogg_.


Let the man who does not wish to be idle, fall in love.--_Ovid_.




LOYALTY


Jenkins, a newly wedded suburbanite, kissed his wife goodby the other
morning, and, telling her he would be home at six o'clock that evening,
got into his auto and started for town.

At six o'clock no hubby had appeared, and the little wife began to get
nervous. When the hour of midnight arrived she could bear the suspense
no longer, so she aroused her father and sent him off to the telegraph
office with six telegrams to as many brother Elks living in town, asking
each if her husband was stopping with him overnight.

Morning came, and the frantic wife had received no intelligence of the
missing man. As dawn appeared, a farm wagon containing a farmer and the
derelict husband drove up to the house, while behind the wagon trailed
the broken-down auto. Almost simultaneously came a messenger boy with an
answer to one of the telegrams, followed at intervals by five others.
All of them read:

"Yes, John is spending the night with me."--_Bush Phillips_.


BOY--"Come quick, there's a man been fighting my father more'n half an
hour."

POLICEMAN--"Why didn't you tell me before?"

BOY--"'Cause father was getting the best of it till a few minutes ago."




LUCK


Some people are so fond of ill-luck that they run half-way to meet
it.--_Douglas Jerrold_.


  O, once in each man's life, at least,
    Good luck knocks at his door;
  And wit to seize the flitting guest
    Need never hunger more.
  But while the loitering idler waits
    Good luck beside his fire,
  The bold heart storms at fortunes gates,
    And conquers its desire.

  --_Lewis J. Bates_.


"Tommy," said his brother, "you're a regular little glutton. How can you
eat so much?"

"Don't know; it's just good luck," replied the youngster.


A negro who was having one misfortune after another said he was having
as bad luck as the man with only a fork when it was raining soup.


_See also_ Windfalls.




MAINE


The Governor of Maine was at the school and was telling the pupils what
the people of different states were called.

"Now," he said, "the people from Indiana are called 'Hoosiers'; the
people from North Carolina 'Tar Heels'; the people from Michigan we know
as 'Michiganders.' Now, what little boy or girl can tell me what the
people of Maine are called?"

"I know," said a little girl.

"Well, what are we called?" asked the Governor.

"Maniacs."




MAKING GOOD


"What's become ob dat little chameleon Mandy had?" inquired Rufus.

"Oh, de fool chile done lost him," replied Zeke. "She wuz playin' wif
him one day, puttin' him on red to see him turn red, an' on blue to see
him turn blue, an' on green to see him turn green, an' so on. Den de
fool gal, not satisfied wif lettin' well enough alone, went an' put him
on a plaid, an' de poor little thing went an' bust himself tryin' to
make good."


_See also_ Success.




MALARIA


The physician had taken his patient's pulse and temperature, and
proceeded to ask the usual questions.

"It--er--seems," said he, regarding the unfortunate with scientific
interest, "that the attacks of fever and the chills appear on alternate
days. Do you think--is it your opinion--that they have, so to speak,
decreased in violence, if I may use that word?"

The patient smiled feebly. "Doc," said he, "on fever days my head's so
hot I can't think, and on ague days I shake so I can't hold an opinion."




MARKS(WO)MANSHIP


An Irishman who, with his wife, is employed on a truck-farm in New
Jersey, recently found himself in a bad predicament, when, in attempting
to evade the onslaughts of a savage dog, assistance came in the shape of
his wife.

When the woman came up, the dog had fastened his teeth in the calf of
her husband's leg and was holding on for dear life. Seizing a stone in
the road, the Irishman's wife was about to hurl it, when the husband,
with wonderful presence of mind, shouted:

"Mary! Mary! Don't throw the stone at the dog! throw it at me!"


  Mary had a little lamb,
    It's fleece was gone in spots,
  For Mary fired her father's gun,
    And lamby caught the shots!

  --_Columbia Jester_.




MARRIAGE


MRS. QUACKENNESS--"Am yo' daughtar happily mar'd, Sistah Sagg?"

MRS. SAGG--"She sho' is! Bless goodness she's done got a husband dat's
skeered to death of her!"


"Where am I?" the invalid exclaimed, waking from the long delirium of
fever and feeling the comfort that loving hands had supplied. "Where am
I--in heaven?"

"No, dear," cooed his wife; "I am still with you."


Archbishop Ryan was visiting a small parish in a mining district one day
for the purpose of administering confirmation, and asked one nervous
little girl what matrimony is.

"It is a state of terrible torment which those who enter are compelled
to undergo for a time to prepare them for a brighter and better world,"
she said.

"No, no," remonstrated her rector; "that isn't matrimony: that's the
definition of purgatory."

"Leave her alone," said the Archbishop; "maybe she is right. What do you
and I know about it?"


"Was Helen's marriage a success?"

"Goodness, yes. Why, she is going to marry a nobleman on the
alimony."--_Judge_.


JENNIE--"What makes George such a pessimist?"

JACK--"Well, he's been married three times--once for love, once for
money and the last time for a home."


Matrimony is the root of all evil.


One day Mary, the charwoman, reported for service with a black eye.

"Why, Mary," said her sympathetic mistress, "what a bad eye you have!"

"Yes'm."

"Well, there's one consolation. It might have been worse."

"Yes'm."

"You might have had both of them hurt."

"Yes'm. Or worse'n that: I might not ha' been married at all."


A wife placed upon her husband's tombstone: "He had been married forty
years and was prepared to die."


"I can take a hundred words a minute," said the stenographer.

"I often take more than that," said the prospective employer; "but then
I have to, I'm married."


A man and his wife were airing their troubles on the sidewalk one
Saturday evening when a good Samaritan intervened.

"See here, my man," he protested, "this sort of thing won't do."

"What business is it of yours, I'd like to know," snarled the man,
turning from his wife.

"It's only my business in so far as I can be of help in settling this
dispute," answered the Samaritan mildly.

"This ain't no dispute," growled the man.

"No dispute! But, my dear friend--"

"I tell you it ain't no dispute," insisted the man. "She"--jerking his
thumb toward the woman--"thinks she ain't goin to get my week's wages,
and I know darn well she ain't. Where's the dispute in that?"


HIS BETTER HALF--"I think it's time we got Lizzie married and settled
down, Alfred. She will be twenty-eight next week you know."

HER LESSER HALF--"Oh, don't hurry, my dear. Better wait till the right
sort of man comes along."

HIS BETTER HALF--"But why wait? I didn't!"


O'Flanagan came home one night with a deep band of black crape around
his hat.

"Why, Mike!" exclaimed his wife. "What are ye wearin' thot mournful
thing for?"

"I'm wearin' it for yer first husband," replied Mike firmly. "I'm sorry
he's dead."


"What a strangely interesting face your friend the poet has," gurgled
the maiden of forty. "It seems to possess all the elements of happiness
and sorrow, each struggling for supremacy."

"Yes, he looks to me like a man who was married and didn't know it,"
growled the Cynical Bachelor.


The not especially sweet-tempered young wife of a Kaslo B.C., man one
day approached her lord concerning the matter of one hundred dollars or
so.

"I'd like to let you have it, my dear," began the husband, "but the
fact is I haven't that amount in the bank this morning--that is to say,
I haven't that amount to spare, inasmuch as I must take up a note for
two hundred dollars this afternoon."

"Oh, very well, James!" said the wife, with an ominous calmness, "If you
think the man who holds the note can make things any hotter for you than
I can--why, do as you say, James!"


A young lady entered a book store and inquired of the gentlemanly
clerk--a married man, by-the-way--if he had a book suitable for an old
gentleman who had been married fifty years.

Without the least hesitation the clerk reached for a copy of Parkman's
"A Half Century of Conflict."


Smith and Jones were discussing the question of who should be head of
the house--the man or the woman.

"I am the head of my establishment," said Jones. "I am the bread-winner.
Why shouldn't I be?"

"Well," replied Smith, "before my wife and I were married we made an
agreement that I should make the rulings in all major things, my wife in
all the minor."

"How has it worked?" queried Jones.

Smith smiled. "So far," he replied, "no major matters have come up."


A poor lady the other day hastened to the nursery and said to her little
daughter:

"Minnie, what do you mean by shouting and screaming? Play quietly, like
Tommy. See, he doesn't make a sound."

"Of course he doesn't," said the little girl. "That is our game. He is
papa coming home late, and I am you."


The stranger advanced toward the door. Mrs. O'Toole stood in the doorway
with a rough stick in her left hand and a frown on her brow.

"Good morning," said the stranger politely. "I'm looking for Mr.
O'Toole."

"So'm I," said Mrs. O'Toole, shifting her club over to her other hand.


TIM--"Sarer Smith (you know 'er--Bill's missus), she throwed herself
horf the end uv the wharf larst night."

TOM--"Poor Sarer!"

TIM--"An' a cop fished 'er out again."

TOM--"Poor Bill!"


The cooing stops with the honeymoon, but the billing goes on forever.


"Well, old man, how did you get along after I left you at midnight. Get
home all right?"

"No; a confounded nosey policeman haled me to the station, where I spent
the rest of the night."

"Lucky dog! I reached home."


STRANGER--"What's the fight about?"

NATIVE--"The feller on top is Hank Hill wot married the widder Strong,
an' th' other's Joel Jenks, wot interdooced him to her."--_Life_.


A colored man had been arrested on a charge of beating and cruelly
misusing his wife. After hearing the charge against the prisoner, the
justice turned to the first witness.

"Madam," he said, "if this man were your husband and had given you a
beating, would you call in the police?"

The woman addressed, a veritable Amazon in size and aggressiveness,
turned a smiling countenance towards the justice and answered: "No,
jedge. If he was mah husban', and he treated me lak he did 'is wife, Ah
wouldn't call no p'liceman. No, sah, Ah'd call de undertaker."


We admire the strict impartiality of the judge who recently fined his
wife twenty-five dollars for contempt of court, but we would hate to
have been in the judge's shoes when he got home that night.


"How many children have you?" asked the census-taker.

The man addressed removed the pipe from his mouth, scratched his head,
thought it over a moment, and then replied:

"Five--four living and one married."


SHE--"How did they ever come to marry?"

HE--"Oh, it's the same old story. Started out to be good friends, you
know, and later on changed their minds."--_Puck_.


Nat Goodwin and a friend were walking along Fifth Avenue one afternoon
when they stopped to look into a florist's window, in which there was an
artistic arrangement of exquisite roses.

"What wonderful American Beauties those are, Nat!" said the friend
delightedly.

"They are, indeed," replied Nat.

"You see, I am very fond of that flower," continued the friend. "In
fact, I might say it is my favorite. You know, Nat, I married an
American beauty."

"Well," said Nat dryly, "you haven't got anything on me. I married a
cluster."


"Are you quite sure that was a marriage license you gave me last month?"

"Of course! What's the matter?"

"Well, I thought there might be some mistake, seeing that I've lived a
dog's life ever since."


Is not marriage an open question, when it is alleged, from the beginning
of the world, that such as are in the institution wish to get out, and
such as are out wish to get in.--_Emerson_.


HOUSEHOLDER--"Here, drop that coat and clear out!"

BURGLAR--"You be quiet, or I'll wake your wife and give her this letter
I found in your pocket."


The reason why so few marriages are happy is because young ladies spend
their time in making nets, not in making cages.--_Swift_.


_See also_ Church discipline; Domestic finance; Trouble.




MARRIAGE FEES


A poor couple who went to the priest to be wedded were met with a demand
for the marriage fee. It was not forth-coming. Both the consenting
parties were rich in love and in their prospects, but destitute of
financial resources. The father was obdurate. "No money, no marriage."

"Give me l'ave, your riverence," said the blushing bride, "to go and get
the money."

It was given, and she sped forth on the delicate mission of raising a
marriage fee out of pure nothing. After a short interval she returned
with the sum of money, and the ceremony was completed to the
satisfaction of all. When the parting was taking place the newly-made
wife seemed a little uneasy.

"Anything on your mind, Catherine?" said the father.

"Well, your riverence, I would like to know if this marriage could not
be spoiled now."

"Certainly not, Catherine. No man can put you asunder."

"Could you not do it yourself, father? Could you not spoil the
marriage?"

"No, no, Catherine. You are past me now. I have nothing more to do with
your marriage."

"That aises me mind," said Catherine, "and God bless your riverence.
There's the ticket for your hat. I picked it up in the lobby and pawned
it."


MANDY--"What foh yo' been goin'to de post-office so reg'lar? Are yo'
corresponding wif some other female?"

RASTUS--"Nope; but since ah been a-readin' in de papers 'bout dese
'conscience funds' ah kind of thought ah might possibly git a lettah
from dat ministah what married us."--_Life_.


  The knot was tied; the pair were wed,
  And then the smiling bridegroom said
  Unto the preacher, "Shall I pay
  To you the usual fee today.
  Or would you have me wait a year
  And give you then a hundred clear,
  If I should find the marriage state
  As happy as I estimate?"
  The preacher lost no time in thought,
  To his reply no study brought,
  There were no wrinkles on his brow:
  Said he, "I'll take three dollars now."




MATHEMATICS


_See_ Arithmetic.





MATRIMONY


_See_ Marriage.





MEASURING INSTRUMENTS


"Golly, but I's tired!" exclaimed a tall and thin negro, meeting a short
and stout friend on Washington Street.

"What you been doin' to get tired?" demanded the other.

"Well," explained the thin one, drawing a deep breath, "over to Brother
Smith's dey are measurin' de house for some new carpets. Dey haven't got
no yawdstick, and I's just ezactly six feet tall. So to oblige Brother
Smith, I's been a-layin' down and a-gettin' up all over deir house."




MEDICAL INSPECTION OF SCHOOLS


PASSER-BY--"What's the fuss in the schoolyard, boy?"

THE BOY--"Why, the doctor has just been around examinin' us an' one of
the deficient boys is knockin' th' everlastin' stuffin's out of a
perfect kid."




MEDICINE


The farmer's mule had just balked in the road when the country doctor
came by. The farmer asked the physician if he could give him something
to start the mule. The doctor said he could, and, reaching down into his
medicine case, gave the animal some powders. The mule switched his tail,
tossed his head and started on a mad gallop down the road. The farmer
looked first at the flying animal and then at the doctor.

"How much did that medicine cost, Doc?" he asked.

"Oh, about fifteen cents," said the physician.

"Well, give me a quarter's worth, quick!" And he swallowed it. "I've got
to catch that mule."


"I hope you are following my instructions carefully, Sandy--the pills
three times a day and a drop of whisky at bedtime."

"Weeel, sir, I may be a wee bit behind wi' the pills, but I'm about six
weeks in front wi' the whusky."


Rarely has a double meaning turned with more deadly effect upon an
innocent perpetrator than in an advertisement lately appearing in a
western newspaper. He wrote: "Wanted--a gentleman to undertake the sale
of a patent medicine. The advertiser guarantees it will be profitable to
the undertaker."


I firmly believe that if the whole _materia medico_ could be sunk to the
bottom of the sea, it would be all the better for mankind and all the
worse for the fishes.--_O.W. Holmes_.


A man's own observation, what he finds good of, and what he finds hurt
of, is the best physic to preserve health.--_Bacon_.




MEEKNESS

One evening just before dinner a wife, who had been playing bridge all
the afternoon, came in to find her husband and a strange man (afterward
ascertained to be a lawyer) engaged in some mysterious business over the
library table, upon which were spread several sheets of paper.

"What are you going to do with all that paper, Henry?" demanded the
wife.

"I am making a wish," meekly responded the husband.

"A wish?"

"Yes, my dear. In your presence I shall not presume to call it a will."




MEMORIALS

Two negroes were talking about a recent funeral of a member of their
race, at which funeral there had been a profusion of floral tributes.
Said the cook:

"Dat's all very well, Mandy; but when I dies I don't want no flowers on
my grave. Jes' plant a good old watermelon-vine; an' when she gits ripe,
you come dar, an' don't you eat it, but jes' bus' it on de grave, an'
let de good old juice dribble down thro' de ground!"


"That's rather a handsome mantelpiece you have there, Mr. Binkston,"
said the visitor.

"Yes," replied Mr. Binkston, proudly. "That is a memorial to my wife."

"Why--I was not aware that Mrs. Binkston had passed away," said the
visitor sympathetically.

"Oh no, indeed, she hasn't," smiled Mr. Binkston. "She is serving her
thirtieth sojourn in jail. That mantelpiece is built of the bricks she
was convicted of throwing."




MEMORY


"Uncle Mose," said a drummer, addressing an old colored man seated on a
drygoods box in front of the village store, "they tell me that you
remember seeing George Washington--am I mistaken?"

"No, sah," said Uncle Mose. "I uster 'member seein' him, but I done
fo'got sence I jined de chu'ch."


A noted college president, attending a banquet in Boston, was surprised
to see that the darky who took the hats at the door gave no checks in
return.

"He has a most wonderful memory," a fellow diner explained. "He's been
doing that for years and prides himself upon never having made a
mistake."

As the college president was leaving, the darky passed him his hat.

"How do you know that this one is mine?"

"I don't know it, suh," admitted the darky.

"Then why do you give it to me?"

"'Cause yo' gave it to me, suh."


"Tommy," said his mother reprovingly, "what did I say I'd do to you if I
ever caught you stealing jam again?"

Tommy thoughtfully scratched his head with his sticky fingers.

"Why, that's funny, ma, that you should forget it, too. Hanged if I can
remember." Smith is a young New York lawyer, clever in many ways, but
very forgetful. He was recently sent to St. Louis to interview an
important client in regard to a case then pending in the Missouri
courts. Later the head of his firm received this telegram from St.
Louis:

"Have forgotten name of client. Please wire at once."

This was the reply sent from New York:

"Client's name Jenkins. Your name Smith."


  When time who steals our years away
    Shall steal our pleasures too,
  The mem'ry of the past will stay
    And half our joys renew.

  --_Moore_.


  The heart hath its own memory, like the mind,
    And in it are enshrined
  The precious keepsakes, into which is wrought
    The giver's loving thought.

  --_Longfellow_.




MEN


  Here's to the men! God bless them!
    Worst of me sins, I confess them!
  In loving them all; be they great or small,
    So here's to the boys! God bless them!


    May all single men be married,
    And all married men be happy.


"What is your ideal man?"

"One who is clever enough to make money and foolish enough to spend it!"


I have thought some of Nature's journeymen had made men and not made
them well, they imitated humanity so abominably.--_Shakespeare_.


    Men are four:
  He who knows and knows not that he knows,--
    He is asleep--wake him;
  He who knows not and knows not that he knows not,--
    He is a fool--shun him;
  He who knows not and knows that he knows not,--
    He is a child--teach him;
  He who knows and knows that He knows,--
    He is a king--follow him.


_See also_ Dogs; Husbands.




MESSAGES


"Have you the rent ready?"

"No, sir; mother's gone out washing and forgot to put it out for you."

"Did she tell you she'd forgotten?"

"Yes, sir."


One of the passengers on a wreck was an exceedingly nervous man, who,
while floating in the water, imagined how his friends would acquaint his
wife of his fate. Saved at last, he rushed to the telegraph office and
sent this message: "Dear Pat, I am saved. Break it gently to my wife."




METAPHOR


It was a Washington woman, angry because the authorities had closed the
woman's rest-room in the Senate office building, who burst out:

"It is almost as if the Senate had hurled its glove into the teeth of
the advancing wave that is sounding the clarion of equal rights."


A water consumer in Los Angeles, California, whose supply had been
turned off because he wouldn't pay, wrote to the department as follows:

"In the matter of shutting off the water on unpaid bills, your company
is fast becoming a regular crystallized Russian bureaucracy, running in
a groove and deaf to the appeals of reform. There is no use of your
trying to impugn the verity of this indictment by shaking your official
heads in the teeth of your own deeds.

"If you will persist in this kind of thing, a widespread conflagration
of the populace will be so imminent that it will require only a spark to
let loose the dogs of war in our midst. Will you persist in hurling the
corner stone of our personal liberty to your wolfish hounds of
collectors, thirsting for its blood? If you persist, the first thing you
know you will have the chariot of a justly indignant revolution rolling
along in our midst and gnashing its teeth as it rolls.

"If your rascally collectors are permitted to continue coming to our
doors with unblushing footsteps, with cloaks of hypocritical compunction
in their mouths, and compel payment from your patrons, this policy will
result in cutting the wool off the sheep that lays the golden egg, until
you have pumped it dry--and then farewell, a long farewell, to our
vaunted prosperity."




MICE


"What's the matter with Briggs?"

"He was getting shaved by a lady barber when a mouse ran across the
floor."--_Life_.





MIDDLE CLASSES


WILLIE--"Paw, what is the middle class?"

PAW--"The middle class consists of people who are not poor enough to
accept charity and not rich enough to donate anything."





MILITANTS


_See_ Suffragettes.





MILITARY DISCIPLINE


Murphy was a new recruit in the cavalry. He could not ride at all, and
by ill luck was given one of the most vicious horses in the troop.

"Remember," said the sergeant, "no one is allowed to dismount without
orders."

Murphy was no sooner in the saddle than he was thrown to the ground.

"Murphy!" yelled the sergeant, when he discovered him lying breathless
on the ground, "you dismounted!"

"I did."

"Did you have orders?"

"I did."

"From headquarters, I suppose?"

"No, sor; from hintquarters."


"How dare you come on parade," exclaimed an Irish sergeant to a recruit,
"before a respictible man loike mysilf smothered from head to foot in
graise an' poipe clay? Tell me now--answer me when I spake to yez!"

The recruit was about to excuse himself for his condition when the
sergeant stopped him.

"Dare yez to answer me when I puts a question to yez?" he cried. "Hould
yer lyin' tongue, and open your face at yer peril! Tell me now, what
have ye been doin' wid yer uniform an' arms an' bills? Not a word, or
I'll clap yez in the guardroom. When I axes yez anything an' yez spakes
I'll have yez tried for insolence to yer superior officer, but if yez
don't answer when I questions yez, I'll have yez punished for
disobedience of orders! So, yez see, I have yez both ways!"


Mistake, error, is the discipline through which we advance.--_Channing_.




MILLINERS


Recipe for a milliner:

  To a presence that's much more than queenly,
    Add a manner that's quite Vere de Vere;
  You feel like a worm in her sight when she says,
    "Only $300, my dear!"

  --_Life_.




MILLIONAIRES


Recipe for a multi-millionaire:

  Take a boy with bare feet as a starter
   Add thrift and sobriety, mixed--
  Flavor with quarts of religion,
    And see that the tariff is fixed.

  --_Life_.


MILLIONAIRE (to a beggar)--"Be off with you this minute!"

BEGGAR--"Look 'ere, mister; the only difference between you and me is
that you are makin' your second million, while I am still workin' at my
first."


"Now that you have made $50,000,000, I suppose you are going to keep
right on for the purpose of trying to get a hundred millions?"

"No, sir. You do me an injustice. I'm going to put in the rest of my
time trying to get my conscience into a satisfactory condition."


"When I was a young man," said Mr. Cumrox, "I thought nothing of working
twelve or fourteen hours a day."

"Father," replied the young man with sporty clothes, "I wish you
wouldn't mention it. Those non-union sentiments are liable to make you
unpopular."


No good man ever became suddenly rich.--_Syrus_.


  And all to leave what with his toil he won,
  To that unfeather'd two-legged thing, a son.

  --_Dryden_.


_See also_ Capitalists.




MINORITIES


Stepping out between the acts at the first production of one of his
plays, Bernard Shaw said to the audience:

"What do you think of it?"

This startled everybody for the time being, but presently a man in the
pit assembled his scattered wits and cried:

"Rotten!"

Shaw made a curtsey and melted the house with one of his Irish smiles.

"My friend," he said, shrugging his shoulders and indicating the crowd
in front, "I quite agree with you, but what are we two against so many?"




MISERS


  There was an old man of Nantucket
  Who kept all his cash in a bucket;
    But his daughter, named Nan,
    Ran away with a man--
  And as for the bucket, Nantucket.


A mere madness, to live like a wretch, and die rich.--_Robert Burton_.




MISSIONARIES


SHE--"Poor cousin Jack! And to be eaten by those wretched cannibals!"

HE--"Yes, my dear child; but he gave them their first taste in
religion!"


At a meeting of the Women's Foreign Missionary Society in a large city
church a discussion arose among the members present as to the race of
people that inhabited a far-away land. Some insisted that they were not
a man-eating people; others that they were known to be cannibals.
However, the question was finally decided by a minister's widow, who
said:

"I beg pardon for interrupting, Mrs. Chairman, but I can assure you that
they are cannibals. My husband was a missionary there and they ate him."




MISSIONS


"What in the world are you up to, Hilda?" exclaimed Mrs. Bale, as she
entered the nursery where her six-year-old daughter was stuffing broken
toys, headless dolls, ragged clothes and general debris into an open
box.

"Why, mother," cried Hilda, "can't you see? I'm packing a missionary box
just the way the ladies do; and it's all right," she added reassuringly,
"I haven't put in a single thing that's any good at all!"




MISTAKEN IDENTITY


  There was a young fellow named Paul,
  Who went to a fancy dress ball;
    They say, just for fun
    He dressed up like a bun,
  And was "et" by a dog in the hall.


A Scottish woman, who was spending her holidays in London, entered a
bric-a-brac shop, in search of something odd to take home to Scotland
with her. After she had inspected several articles, but had found none
to suit her, she noticed a quaint figure, the head and shoulders of
which appeared above the counter.

"What is that Japanese idol over there worth?" she inquired of the
salesman.

The salesman's reply was given in a subdued tone:

"About half a million, madam. That's the proprietor!"


The late James McNeil Whistler was standing bareheaded in a hat shop,
the clerk having taken his hat to another part of the shop for
comparison. A man rushed in with his hat in his hand, and, supposing
Whistler to be a clerk angrily confronted him.

"See here," he said, "this hat doesn't fit."

Whistler eyed the stranger critically from head to foot, and then
drawled out:

"Well, neither does your coat. What's more, if you'll pardon my saying
so, I'll be hanged if I care much for the color of your trousers."


The steamer was on the point of leaving, and the passengers lounged on
the deck and waited for the start. At length one of them espied a
cyclist in the far distance, and it soon became evident that he was
doing his level best to catch the boat.

Already the sailors' hands were on the gangways, and the cyclist's
chance looked small indeed. Then a sportive passenger wagered a
sovereign to a shilling that he would miss it. The offer was taken, and
at once the deck became a scene of wild excitement.

"He'll miss it."

"No; he'll just do it."

"Come on!"

"He won't do it."

"Yes, he will. He's done it. Hurrah!"

In the very nick of time the cyclist arrived, sprang off his machine,
and ran up the one gangway left.

"Cast off!" he cried.

It was the captain.


Much to the curious little girl's disgust, her elder sister and her girl
friends had quickly closed the door of the back parlor, before she could
wedge her small self in among them.

She waited uneasily for a little while, then she knocked. No response.
She knocked again. Still no attention. Her curiosity could be controlled
no longer. "Dodo!" she called in staccato tones as she knocked once
again. "'Tain't me! It's Mamma!"




MOLLYCODDLES


"Tommy, why don't you play with Frank any more?" asked Tommy's mother,
who noticed that he was cultivating the acquaintance of a new boy on the
block. "I thought you were such good chums."

"We was," replied Tommy superciliously, "but he's a mollycoddle. He paid
t' git into the ball-grounds."




MONEY


In some of the college settlements there are penny savings banks for
children.

One Saturday a small boy arrived with an important air and withdrew 2
cents from his account. Monday morning he promptly returned the money.

"So you didn't spend your 2 cents?" observed the worker in charge.

"Oh, no," he replied, "but a fellow just likes to have a little cash on
hand over Sunday."


_See also_ Domestic finance.




MORAL EDUCATION


Two little boys, four and five years old respectively, were playing
quietly, when the one of four years struck the other on his cheek. An
interested bystander stepped up and asked him why he had hit the other
who had done nothing.

"Well," replied the pugilistic one, "last Sunday our lesson in
Sunday-school was about if a fellow hit you on the left cheek turn the
other and get another crack, and I just wanted to see if Bobbie knew his
lesson."




MOSQUITOES


Senator Gore, of Oklahoma, while addressing a convention in Oklahoma
City recently, told this story, illustrating a point he made:

"A northern gentleman was being entertained by a southern colonel on a
fishing-trip. It was his first visit to the South, and the mosquitoes
were so bothersome that he was unable to sleep, while at the same time
he could hear his friend snoring audibly.

"The next morning he approached the old darky who was doing the cooking.

"'Jim,' he said, 'how is it the colonel is able to sleep so soundly with
so many mosquitoes around?'

"'I'll tell yo', boss,' the darky replied, 'de fust part of de night de
kernel is too full to pay any 'tenshum to de skeeters, and de last part
of de night de skeeters is too full to pay any 'tenshum to de kernel.'"


_See also_ Applause; New Jersey.




MOTHERS


While reconnoitering in Westmoreland County, Virginia, one of General
Washington's officers chanced upon a fine team of horses driven before a
plow by a burly slave. Finer animals he had never seen. When his eyes
had feasted on their beauty he cried to the driver: "Hello good fellow!
I must have those horses. They are just such animals as I have been
looking for."

The black man grinned, rolled up the whites of his eyes, put the lash to
the horses' flanks and turned up another furrow in the rich soil.

The officer waited until he had finished the row; then throwing back his
cavalier cloak the ensign of the rank dazzled the slave's eyes.

"Better see missus! Better see missus!" he cried waving his hand to the
south, where above the cedar growth rose the towers of a fine old
Virginia mansion.

The officer turned up the carriage road and soon was rapping the great
brass knocker of the front door.

Quickly the door swung upon its ponderous hinges and a grave,
majestic-looking woman confronted the visitor with an air of inquiry.

"Madam," said the officer doffing his cap and overcome by her dignity,
"I have come to claim your horses in the name of the Government."

"My horses?" said she, bending upon him a pair of eyes born to command.
"Sir, you cannot have them. My crops are out and I need my horses in the
field."

"I am sorry," said the officer, "but I must have them, madam. Such are
the orders of my chief."

"Your chief? Who is your chief, pray?" she demanded with restrained
warmth.

"The commander of the American army, General George Washington," replied
the other, squaring his shoulders and swelling his pride.

A smile of triumph softened the sternness of the woman's features. "You
go and tell General George Washington for me," said she, "that his
mother says he cannot have her horses."


The wagons of "the greatest show on earth" passed up the avenue at
daybreak. Their incessant rumbling soon awakened ten-year-old Billie and
five-year-old brother Robert. Their mother feigned sleep as the two
white-robed figures crept past her bed into the hall, on the way to
investigate. Robert struggled manfully with the unaccustomed task of
putting on his clothes. "Wait for me, Billie," his mother heard him beg.
"You'll get ahead of me."

"Get mother to help you," counseled Billie, who was having troubles of
his own.

Mother started to the rescue, and then paused as she heard the voice of
her younger, guarded but anxious and insistent.

"_You_ ask her, Billie. You've known her longer than I have."


A little girl, being punished by her mother flew, white with rage, to
her desk, wrote on a piece of paper, and then going out in the yard she
dug a hole in the ground, put the paper in it and covered it over. The
mother, being interested in her child's doings, went out after the
little girl had gone away, dug up the paper and read:

    _Dear Devil_:
    Please come and take my mamma away.


One morning a little girl hung about the kitchen bothering the busy cook
to death. The cook lost patience finally. "Clear out o' here, ye sassy
little brat!" she shouted, thumping the table with a rolling-pin.

The little girl gave the cook a haughty look. "I never allow any one but
my mother to speak to me like that," she said.


The public-spirited lady met the little boy on the street. Something
about his appearance halted her. She stared at him in her near-sighted
way.

THE LADY--"Little boy, haven't you any home?"

THE LITTLE BOY--"Oh, yes'm; I've got a home."

THE LADY--"And loving parents?"

THE LITTLE BOY--"Yes'm."

THE LADY--"I'm afraid you do not know what love really is. Do your
parents look after your moral welfare?"

THE LITTLE BOY--"Yes'm."

THE LADY--"Are they bringing you up to be a good and helpful citizen?"

THE LITTLE BOY--"Yes'm."

THE LADY--"Will you ask your mother to come and hear me talk on 'When
Does a Mother's Duty to Her Child Begin?' next Saturday afternoon, at
three o'clock, at Lyceum Hall?"

THE LITTLE BOY (explosively)--"What's th' matter with you ma! Don't you
know me? I'm your little boy!"


  Here's to the happiest hours of my life--
  Spent in the arms of another man's wife:
    My mother!


                Happy he
  With such a mother! faith in womankind
  Beats with his blood, and trust in all things high
  Comes easy to him, and though he trip and fall,
  He shall not blind his soul with clay.

  --_Tennyson_.


                Women know
  The way to rear up children (to be just);
  They know a simple, merry, tender knack
  Of tying sashes, fitting baby-shoes,
  And stringing pretty words that make no sense,
  And kissing full sense into empty words;
  Which things are corals to cut life upon,
  Although such trifles.

  --_E. B. Browning_




MOTHERS-IN-LAW

Justice David J. Brewer was asked not long ago by a man.

"Will you please tell me, sir, what is the extreme penalty for bigamy?"

Justice Brewer smiled and answered:

"Two mothers-in-law."


SHE--"And so you are going to be my son-in-law?"

HE--"By Jove! I hadn't thought of that."


WAITER--"Have another glass, sir?"

HUSBAND (to his wife)--"Shall I have another glass, Henrietta?"

WIFE (to her mother)--"Shall he have another, mother?"


A blackmailer wrote the following to a wealthy business man: "Send me
$5,000 or I will abduct your mother-in-law."

To which the business man replied: "Sorry I am short of funds, but your
proposition interests me."


An undertaker telegraphed to a man that his mother-in-law had died and
asked whether he should bury, embalm or cremate her. The man replied,
"All three, take no chances."





MOTORCYCLES


The automobile was a thing unheard of to a mountaineer in one community,
and he was very much astonished one day when he saw one go by without
any visible means of locomotion. His eyes bulged, however, when a
motorcycle followed closely in its wake and disappeared like a flash
around a bend in the road.

"Gee whiz!" he said, turning to his son, "who'd 'a' s'posed that thing
had a colt?"





MOUNTAINS


Some real-estate dealers in British Columbia were accused of having
victimized English and Scotch settlers by selling to them (at long
range) fruit ranches which were situated on the tops of mountains. It is
said that the captain of a steamboat on Kootenay Lake once heard a great
splash in the water. Looking over the rail, he spied the head of a man
who was swimming toward his boat. He hailed him. "Do you know," said the
swimmer, "this is the third time to-day that I've fallen off that bally
old ranch of mine?"




MOVING PICTURES


"Your soldiers look fat and happy. You must have a war chest." "Not
exactly, but things are on a higher plane than they used to be. This
revolution is being financed by a moving-picture concern."




MUCK-RAKING


The way of the transgressor is well written up.




MULES


Gen. O.O. Howard, as is well known, is a man of deep religious
principles, and in the course of the war he divided his time pretty
equally between fighting and evangelism. Howard's brigade was known all
through the army as the Christian brigade, and he was very proud of it.

There was one hardened old sinner in the brigade, however, whose ears
were deaf to all exhortation. General Howard was particularly anxious to
convert this man, and one day he went down in the teamsters' part of the
camp where the man was on duty. He talked with him long and earnestly
about religion and finally said:

"I want to see you converted. Won't you come to the mourners' bench at
the next service?"

The erring one rubbed his head thoughtfully for a moment and then
replied:

"General, I'm plumb willin' to be converted, but if I am, seein' that
everyone else has got religion, who in blue blazes is goin' to drive the
mules?"




MUNICIPAL GOVERNMENT


"What's the trouble in Plunkville?"

"We've tried a mayor and we've tried a commission."

"Well?"

"Now we're thinking of offering the management of our city to some good
magazine."




MUSEUMS


It had been anything but an easy afternoon for the teacher who took six
of her pupils through the Museum of Natural History, but their
enthusiastic interest in the stuffed animals and their open-eyed wonder
at the prehistoric fossils amply repaid her.

"Well, boys, where have you been all afternoon?" asked the father of two
of the party that evening.

The answer came back with joyous promptness: "Oh, pop! Teacher took us
to a dead circus."


Two Marylanders, who were visiting the National Museum at Washington,
were seen standing in front of an Egyptian mummy, over which hung a
placard bearing the inscription. "B.C. 1187."

Both visitors were much mystified thereby. Said one:

"What do you make of that, Bill?"

"Well," said Bill, "I dunno; but maybe it was the number of the
motor-car that killed him."--_Edwin Tarrisse_.




MUSIC


The musical young woman who dropped her peekaboo waist in the piano
player and turned out a Beethoven sonata, has her equal in the lady who
stood in front of a five-bar fence and sang all the dots on her veil.


A thief broke into a Madison avenue mansion early the other morning and
found himself in the music-room. Hearing footsteps approaching, he took
refuge behind a screen.

From eight to nine o'clock the eldest daughter had a singing lesson.

From nine to ten o'clock the second daughter took a piano lesson.

From ten to eleven o'clock the eldest son had a violin lesson.

From eleven to twelve o'clock the other son had a lesson on the flute.

At twelve-fifteen all the brothers and sisters assembled and studied an
ear-splitting piece for voice, piano, violin and flute.

The thief staggered out from behind the screen at twelve-forty-five, and
falling at their feet, cried:

"For Heaven's sake, have me arrested!"


A lady told Swinburne that she would render on the piano a very ancient
Florentine retornello which had just been discovered. She then played
"Three blind mice" and Swinburne was enchanted. He found that it
reflected to perfection the cruel beauty of the Medicis--which, perhaps,
it does.--_Edmund Gosse_.


The accomplished and obliging pianist had rendered several selections,
when one of the admiring group of listeners in the hotel parlor
suggested Mozart's Twelfth Mass. Several people echoed the request, but
one lady was particularly desirous of hearing the piece, explaining that
her husband had belonged to that very regiment.


Dinner was a little late. A guest asked the hostess to play something.
Seating herself at the piano, the good woman executed a Chopin nocturne
with precision. She finished, and there was still an interval of waiting
to be bridged. In the grim silence she turned to an old gentleman on her
right and said:

"Would you like a sonata before going in to dinner?"

He gave a start of surprise and pleasure as he responded briskly:

"Why, yes, thanks! I had a couple on my way here, but I could stand
another."


Music is the universal language of mankind.--_Longfellow_.


I even think that, sentimentally, I am disposed to harmony. But
organically I am incapable of a tune.--_Charles Lamb_.


  There's music in the sighing of a reed;
  There's music in the gushing of a rill;
  There's music in all things, if men had ears:
  Their earth is but an echo of the spheres.

  --_Byron_.




MUSICIANS

FATHER--"Well, sonny, did you take your dog to the 'vet' next door to
your house, as I suggested?"

BOY--"Yes, sir."

FATHER-"And what did he say?"

BOY--"'E said Towser was suffering from nerves, so Sis had better give
up playin' the pianner."


The "celebrated pianiste," Miss Sharpe, had concluded her recital. As
the resultant applause was terminating, Mrs. Rochester observed Colonel
Grayson wiping his eyes. The old gentleman noticed her look, and,
thinking it one of inquiry, began to explain the cause of his sadness.
"The girl's playing," he told the lady, "reminded me so much of the
playing of her father. He used to be a chum of mine in the Army of the
Potomac."

"Oh, indeed!" cooed Mrs. Rochester, with a conventional show of
interest. "I never knew her father was a piano-player."

"He wasn't," replied the Colonel. "He was a drummer."--_G.T. Evans_.


Recipe for an orchestra leader:

  Four hundred and twenty-two movements--
    Emanuel, Swedish and Swiss--
  It's a wonder the hand can keep playing,
    You'd think they'd die laughing at this!

  --_Life_.


                'Tis God gives skill,
  But not without men's hands: He could not make
  Antonio Stradivari's violins
  Without Antonio.

  --_George Eliot_.




NAMES, PERSONAL

Israel Zangwill, the well-known writer, signs himself I. Zangwill. He
was once approached at a reception by a fussy old lady, who demanded,
"Oh, Mr. Zangwill, what is your Christian name?"

"Madame, I have none," he gravely assured her.--_John Pearson_.


FRIEND-"So your great Russian actor was a total failure?"

MANAGER-"Yes. It took all our profits to pay for running the electric
light sign with his name on it."--_Puck_.


A somewhat unpatriotic little son of Italy, twelve years old, came to
his teacher in the public school and asked if he could not have his name
changed.

"Why do you wish to change your name?" the teacher asked.

"I want to be an American. I live in America now. I no longer want to be
a Dago."

"What American name would you like to have?"

"I have it here," he said, handing the teacher a dirty scrap of paper on
which was written--Patrick Dennis McCarty.


A shy young man once said to a young lady: "I wish dear, that we were on
such terms of intimacy that you would not mind calling me by my first
name."

"Oh," she replied, "your second name is good enough for me."


An American travelling in Europe engaged a courier. Arriving at an inn
in Austria, the man asked his servant to enter his name in accordance
with the police regulations of that country. Some time after, the man
asked the servant if he had complied with his orders.

"Yes, sir," was the reply.

"How did you write my name?" asked the master.

"Well, sir, I can't pronounce it," answered the servant, "but I copied
it from your portmanteau, sir."

"Why, my name isn't there. Bring me the book." The register was brought,
and, instead of the plain American name of two syllables, the following
entry was revealed:

    "Monsieur Warranted Solid Leather."

--_M.A. Hitchcock_.


The story is told of Helen Hunt, the famous author of "Ramona," that
one morning after church service she found a purse full of money and
told her pastor about it.

"Very well," he said, "you keep it, and at the evening service I will
announce it," which he did in this wise:

"This morning there was found in this church a purse filled with money.
If the owner is present he or she can go to Helen Hunt for it."

And the minister wondered why the congregation tittered!


A street-car "masher" tried in every way to attract the attention of the
pretty young girl opposite him. Just as he had about given up, the girl,
entirely unconscious of what had been going on, happened to glance in
his direction. The "masher" immediately took fresh courage.

"It's cold out to-day, isn't it?" he ventured.

The girl smiled and nodded assent, but had nothing to say.

"My name is Specknoodle," he volunteered.

"Oh, I am so sorry," she said sympathetically, as she left the car.


The comedian came on with affected diffidence.

"At our last stand," quoth he, "I noticed a man laughing while I was
doing my turn. Honest, now! My, how he laughed! He laughed until he
split. Till he split, mind you. Thinks I to myself, I'll just find out
about the man and so, when the show was over, I went up to him.

"My friend," says I, "I've heard that there's nothing in a name, but are
you not one of the Wood family?"

"I am," says he, "and what's more, my grandfather was a Pine!"

"No Wood, you know, splits any easier than a Pine."--_Ramsey Benson_.


"But Eliza," said the mistress, "your little boy was christened George
Washington. Why do you call him Izaak Walton? Walton, you know, was the
famous fisherman."

"Yes'm," answered Eliza, "but dat chile's repetashun fo' telling de
troof made dat change imper'tive."


The mother of the girl baby, herself named Rachel, frankly told her
husband that she was tired of the good old names borne by most of the
eminent members of the family, and she would like to give the little
girl a name entirely different. Then she wrote on a slip of paper
"Eugénie," and asked her husband if he didn't think that was a pretty
name.

The father studied the name for a moment and then said: "Vell, call her
Yousheenie, but I don't see vat you gain by it."


  There was a great swell in Japan,
  Whose name on a Tuesday began;
    It lasted through Sunday
    Till twilight on Monday,
  And sounded like stones in a can.


He was a young lawyer who had just started practicing in a small town
and hung his sign outside of his office door. It read: "A. Swindler." A
stranger who called to consult him saw the sign and said: "My goodness,
man, look at that sign! Don't you see how it reads? Put in your first
name--Alexander, Ambrose or whatever it is."

"Oh, yes I know," said the lawyer resignedly, "but I don't exactly like
to do it."

"Why not?" asked the client. "It looks mighty bad as it is. What is your
first name?"

"Adam."


  Who hath not own'd, with rapture-smitten frame,
  The power of grace, the magic of a name.

  --_Campbell_.




NATIVES


FRIEND (admiring the prodigy)--"Seventh standard, is she? Plays the
planner an' talks French like a native, I'll bet."

FOND BUT "TOUCHY" PARENT--"I've no doubt that's meant to be very funny,
Bill Smith; but as it 'appens you're only exposin' your ignorance; they
ain't natives in France--they're as white as wot we are."--_Sketch_.




NATURE LOVERS


"Would you mind tooting your factory whistle a little?"

"What for?"

"For my father over yonder in the park. He's a trifle deaf and he hasn't
heard a robin this summer."




NAVIGATION


The fog was dense and the boat had stopped when the old lady asked the
Captain why he didn't go on.

"Can't see up the river, madam."

"But, Captain," she persisted, "I can see the stars overhead."

"Yes, ma'am," said the Captain, "but until the boilers bust we ain't
goin' that way."




NEATNESS


The neatness of the New England housekeeper is a matter of common
remark, and husbands in that part of the country are supposed to
appreciate their advantages.

A bit of dialogue reported as follows shows that there may be another
side to the matter.

"Martha, have you wiped the sink dry yet?" asked the farmer, as he made
final preparations for the night.

"Yes, Josiah," she replied. "Why do you ask?"

"Well, I did want a drink, but I guess I can get along until morning."




NEGROES


A colored girl asked the drug clerk for "ten cents' wuth o'
cou't-plaster."

"What color," he asked.

"Flesh cullah, suh."

Whereupon the clerk proffered a box of black court plaster.

The girl opened the box with a deliberation that was ominous, but her
face was unruffled as she noted the color of the contents and said:

"I ast for flesh cullah, an' you done give me skin cullah." A cart
containing a number of negro field hands was being drawn by a mule. The
driver, a darky of about twenty, was endeavoring to induce the mule to
increase its speed, when suddenly the animal let fly with its heels and
dealt him such a kick on the head that he was stretched on the ground in
a twinkling. He lay rubbing his woolly pate where the mule had kicked
him.

"Is he hurt?" asked a stranger anxiously of an older negro who had
jumped from the conveyance and was standing over the prostrate driver.

"No, Boss," was the older man's reply; "dat mule will probably walk kind
o' tendah for a day or two, but he ain't hurt."


In certain parts of the West Indies the negroes speak English with a
broad brogue. They are probably descended from the slaves of the Irish
adventurers who accompanied the Spanish settlers.

A gentleman from Dublin upon arriving at a West Indian port was accosted
by a burly negro fruit vender with, "Th, top uv th' mornin' to ye, an'
would ye be after wantin' to buy a bit o' fruit, sor?"

The Irishman stared at him in amazement.

"An' how long have ye been here?" he finally asked.

"Goin' on three months, yer Honor," said the vender, thinking of the
time he had left his inland home.

"Three months, is it? Only three months an' as black as thot? Faith,
I'll not land!"


Dinah, crying bitterly, was coming down the street with her feet
bandaged.

"Why, what on earth's the matter?" she was asked. "How did you hurt your
feet, Dinah?"

"Dat good fo' nothin' nigger [sniffle] done hit me on de haid wif a club
while I was standin' on de hard stone pavement."


"'Liza, what fo' yo' buy dat udder box of shoe-blacknin'?"

"Go on, Nigga', dat ain't shoe-blacknin', dat's ma massage cream!"


"Johnny," said the mother as she vigorously scrubbed the small boy's
face with soap and water, "didn't I tell you never to blacken your face
again? Here I've been scrubbing for half an hour and it won't come off."

"I--I--ouch!" sputtered the small boy; "I ain't your little boy.
I--ouch! I'se Mose, de colored lady's little boy."


The day before she was to be married an old negro servant came to her
mistress and intrusted her savings to her keeping.

"Why should I keep your money for you? I thought you were going to be
married?" said the mistress.

"So I is, Missus, but do you 'spose I'd keep all dis yer money in de
house wid dat strange nigger?"


A southern colonel had a colored valet by the name of George. George
received nearly all the colonel's cast-off clothing. He had his eyes on
a certain pair of light trousers which were not wearing out fast enough
to suit him, so he thought he would hasten matters somewhat by rubbing
grease on one knee. When the colonel saw the spot, he called George and
asked if he had noticed it. George said, "Yes, sah, Colonel, I noticed
dat spot and tried mighty hard to get it out, but I couldn't."

"Have you tried gasoline?" the colonel asked.

"Yes, sah, Colonel, but it didn't do no good."

"Have you tried brown paper and a hot iron?"

"Yes, sah, Colonel, I'se done tried 'mos' everything I knows of, but dat
spot wouldn't come out."

"Well, George, have you tried ammonia?" the colonel asked as a last
resort.

"No, sah, Colonel, I ain't tried 'em on yet, but I knows dey'll fit."


A negro went into a hardware shop and asked to be shown some razors, and
after critically examining those submitted to him the would-be purchaser
was asked why he did not try a "safety," to which he replied: "I ain'
lookin' for that kind. I wants this for social purposes."


Before a house where a colored man had died, a small darkey was standing
erect at one side of the door. It was about time for the services to
begin, and the parson appeared from within and said to the darkey: "De
services are about to begin. Aren't you a-gwine in?"

"I'se would if I'se could, parson," answered the little negro, "but yo'
see I'se de crape."


_See also_ Chicken stealing.




NEIGHBORS


THE MAN AT THE DOOR--"Madame, I'm the piano-tuner."

THE WOMAN--"I didn't send for a piano-tuner."

THE MAN--"I know it, lady; the neighbors did."




NEW JERSEY


"You must have had a terrible experience with no food, and mosquitoes
swarming around you," I said to the shipwrecked mariner who had been
cast upon the Jersey sands.

"You just bet I had a terrible experience," he acknowledged. "My
experience was worse than that of the man who wrote 'Water, water
everywhere, but not a drop to drink.' With me it was bites, bites
everywhere, but not a bite to eat."




NEW YORK CITY


At a convention of Methodist Bishops held in Washington, the Bishop of
New York made a stirring address extolling the powers and possibilities
of his state. Bishop Hamilton, of California, like all good
Californians, is imbued with the conviction that it would be hard to
equal a place he knows of on the Pacific, and following the Bishop of
New York he gave a glowing picture of California, concluding:

"Not only is it the best place on earth to live in, but it has superior
advantages, too, as a place to die in; for there we have at our
threshold the beautiful Golden Gate, while in New York they only
have--well, you know which gate it is over at New York!" One night Dave
Warfield was playing at David Belasco's new theatre, supported by one of
Mr. Belasco's new companies. The performance ran with a smoothness of a
Standard Oil lawyer explaining rebates to a Federal court. A worthy
person of the farming classes, sitting in G 14, was plainly impressed.
In an interval between the acts he turned to the metropolitan who had
the seat next him.

"Where do all them troopers come from?" he inquired.

"I don't think I understand," said the city-dweller.

"I mean them actors up yonder on the stage," explained the man from
afar. "Was they brought on specially for this show, or do they live
here?"

"I believe most of them live here in town," said the New Yorker.

"Well, they do purty blamed well for home talent," said the stranger.


A traveler in Tennessee came across an aged negro seated in front of his
cabin door basking in the sunshine.

"He could have walked right on the stage for an Uncle Tom part without a
line of makeup," says the traveler. "He must have been eighty years of
age."

"Good morning, uncle," says the stranger.

"Mornin', sah! Mornin'," said the aged one. Then he added, "Be you the
gentleman over yonder from New York?"

Being told that such was the case the old darky said; "Do you mind
telling me something that has been botherin' my old haid? I have got a
grandson--he runs on the Pullman cyars--and he done tell me that up thar
in New York you-all burn up youah folks when they die. He is a poherful
liar, and I don't believe him."

"Yes," replied the other, "that is the truth in some cases. We call it
cremation."

"Well, you suttenly surprise me," said the negro and then he paused as
if in deep reflection. Finally he said: "You-all know I am a Baptist. I
believe in the resurrection and the life everlastin' and the coming of
the Angel Gabriel and the blowin' of that great horn, and Lawdy me, how
am they evah goin' to find them folks on that great mawnin'?"

It was too great a task for an offhand answer, and the suggestion was
made that the aged one consult his minister. Again the negro fell into a
brown study, and then he raised his head and his eyes twinkled merrily,
and he said in a soft voice:

"Meanin' no offense, sah, but from what Ah have heard about New York I
kinder calcerlate they is a lot of them New York people that doan'
wanter be found on that mornin'."




NEWS


Soon after the installation of the telegraph in Fredericksburg,
Virginia, a little darky, the son of my father's mammy, saw a piece of
newspaper that had blown up on the telegraph wires and caught there.
Running to my grandmother in a great state of excitement, he cried,
"Miss Liza, come quick! Dem wires done buss and done let all the news
out!"--_Sue M.M. Halsey_.


"Our whole neighborhood has been stirred up," said the regular reader.

The editor of the country weekly seized his pen. "Tell me about it," he
said. "What we want is news. What stirred it up?"

"Plowing," said the farmer.


There is nothing new except what is forgotten.--_Mademoiselle Berlin_.




NEWSPAPERS


A kind old gentleman seeing a small boy who was carrying a lot of
newspapers under his arm said: "Don't all those papers make you tired,
my boy?"

"Naw, I don't read 'em," replied the lad.


VOX POPULI--"Do you think you've boosted your circulation by giving a
year's subscription for the biggest potato raised in the county?"

THE EDITOR--"Mebbe not; but I got four barrels of samples."


COLONEL HIGHFLYER--"What are your rates per column?"

EDITOR OF "SWELL SOCIETY"--"For insertion or suppression?"--_Life_.


EDITOR--"You wish a position as a proofreader?"

APPLICANT--"Yes, sir."

"Do you understand the requirements of that responsible position?"

"Perfectly, sir. Whenever you make any mistakes in the paper, just blame
'em on me, and I'll never say a word."


A prominent Montana newspaper man was making the round of the insane
asylum of that state in an official capacity as an inspector. One of the
inmates mistook him for a recent arrival.

"What made you go crazy?"

"I was trying to make money out of the newspaper business," replied the
editor, to humor the demented one.

"Rats, you're not crazy; you're just a plain darn fool," was the
lunatic's comment.


"Did you write this report on my lecture, 'The Curse of Whiskey'?"

"Yes, madam."

"Then kindly explain what you mean by saying, 'The lecturer was
evidently full of her subject!'"


We clip the following for the benefit of those who doubt the power of
the press:

"Owing to the overcrowded condition of our columns, a number of births
and deaths are unavoidably postponed this week."


"Binks has sued us for libel," announced the assistant editor of the
sensational paper.

The managing editor's face brightened.

"Tell him," he said, "that if he will put up a strong fight we'll
cheerfully pay the damages and charge them up to the advertising
account."


Booth Tarkington says that in no state have the newspapers more
"journalistic enterprise" than in his native Indiana. While stopping at
a little Hoosier hotel in the course of a hunting trip Mr. Tarkington
lost one of his dogs.

"Have you a newspaper in town?" he asked of the landlord.

"Right across the way, there, back of the shoemaker's," the landlord
told him. "The _Daily News_--best little paper of its size in the
state."

The editor, the printer, and the printer's devil were all busy doing
justice to Mr. Tarkington with an "in-our-midst" paragraph when the
novelist arrived.

"I've just lost a dog," Tarkington explained after he had introduced
himself, "and I'd like to have you insert this ad for me: 'Fifty dollars
reward for the return of a pointer dog answering to the name of Rex.
Disappeared from the yard of the Mansion House Monday night.'"

"Why, we are just going to press, sir," the editor said, "but we'll be
only too glad to hold the edition for your ad."

Mr. Tarkington returned to the hotel. After a few minutes he decided,
however, that it might be well to add, "No questions asked" to his
advertisement, and returned to the _Daily News_ office.

The place was deserted, save for the skinny little freckle-faced devil,
who sat perched on a high stool, gazing wistfully out of the window.

"Where is everybody?" Tarkington asked.

"Gawn to hunt for th' dawg," replied the boy.


"You are the greatest inventor in the world," exclaimed a newspaper man
to Alexander Graham Bell.

"Oh, no, my friend, I'm not," said Professor Bell. "I've never been a
reporter."


Not long ago a city editor in Ottumwa, Iowa, was told over the telephone
that a prominent citizen had just died suddenly. He called a reporter
and told him to rush out and get the "story." Twenty minutes later the
reporter returned, sat down at his desk, and began to rattle off copy on
his typewriter.

"Well, what about it?" asked the city editor.

"Oh, nothing much," replied the reporter, without looking up. "He was
walking along the street when he suddenly clasped his hands to his heart
and said, 'I'm going to die!' Then he leaned up against a fence and made
good."


Enraged over something the local newspaper had printed about him, a
subscriber burst into the editor's office in search of the responsible
reporter. "Who are you?" he demanded, glaring at the editor, who was
also the main stockholder.

"I'm the newspaper," was the calm reply.

"And who are you?" he next inquired, turning his resentful gaze on the
chocolate-colored office-devil clearing out the waste basket.

"Me?" rejoined the darky, grinning from ear to ear. "Ah guess ah's de
cul'ud supplement."


Four hostile newspapers are more to be feared than a thousand
bayonets.--_Napoleon I_.


Newspapers always excite curiosity. No one ever lays one down without a
feeling of disappointment.--_Charles Lamb_.




OBESITY


_See_ Corpulence.




OBITUARIES


If you have frequent fainting spells, accompanied by chills, cramps,
corns, bunions, chilblains, epilepsy and jaundice, it is a sign that you
are not well, but liable to die any minute. Pay your subscription in
advance and thus make yourself solid for a good obituary
notice.--_Mountain Echo_.


_See_ also Epitaphs.




OBSERVATION


In his daily half hour confidential talk with his boy an ambitious
father tried to give some good advice.

"Be observing, my son," said the father on one occasion. "Cultivate the
habit of seeing, and you will be a successful man. Study things and
remember them. Don't go through the world blindly. Learn to use your
eyes. Boys who are observing know a great deal more than those who are
not."

Willie listened in silence.

Several days later when the entire family, consisting of his mother,
aunt and uncle, were present, his father said:

"Well, Willie, have you kept using your eyes as I advised you to do?"

Willie nodded, and after a moment's hesitation said:

"I've seen a few things right around the house. Uncle Jim's got a bottle
of hair dye hid under his trunk, Aunt Jennie's got an extra set of teeth
in her dresser, Ma's got some curls in her hat, and Pa's got a deck of
cards and a box of chips behind the books in the secretary."




OCCUPATIONS


Mrs. Hennessey, who was a late arrival in the neighborhood, was
entertaining a neighbor one afternoon, when the latter inquired:

"An' what does your old man do, Mrs. Hennessey?"

"Sure, he's a di'mond-cuttter."

"Ye don't mane it!"

"Yis; he cuts th' grass off th' baseball grounds."--_L.F. Clarke_.


All business men are apt to use the technical terms of their daily
labors in situations outside of working hours. One time a railroad man
was entertaining his pastor at dinner and his sons, who had to wait
until their elders had finished got into mischief. At the end of the
meal, their father excused himself for a moment saying he had to "switch
some empties."


"Professor," said Miss Skylight, "I want you to suggest a course in life
for me. I have thought of journalism--"

"What are your own inclinations?"

"Oh, my soul yearns and throbs and pulsates with an ambition to give the
world a life-work that shall be marvelous in its scope, and weirdly
entrancing in the vastness of its structural beauty!"

"Woman, you're born to be a milliner."


A woman, when asked her husband's occupation, said he was a mixologist.
The city directory called him a bartender.


"A good turkey dinner and mince pie," said a well-known after-dinner
orator, "always puts us in a lethargic mood--makes us feel, in fact,
like the natives of Nola Chucky. In Nola Chucky one day I said to a man:

"'What is the principal occupation of this town?'

"'Wall, boss,' the man answered, yawning, 'in winter they mostly sets on
the east side of the house and follers the sun around to the west, and
in summer they sets on the west side and follers the shade around to the
east.'"


JONES--"How'd this happen? The last time I was here you were running a
fish-market, and now you've got a cheese-shop."

SMITH--"Yes. Well, you see the doctor said I needed a change of air."


The ugliest of trades have their moments of pleasure. Now, if I were a
grave-digger, or even a hangman, there are some people I could work for
with a great deal of enjoyment--_Douglas Jerrold_.




OCEAN


A resident of Nahant tells this one on a new servant his wife took down
from Boston.

"Did you sleep well, Mary?" the girl was asked the following morning.

"Sure, I did not, ma'am," was the reply; "the snorin' of the ocean kept
me awake all night."


Love the sea? I dote upon it--from the beach.--_Douglas Jerrold_.


  I never was on the dull, tame shore,
  But I loved the great sea more and more.

  --_Barry Cornwall_.




OFFICE BOYS


"Have you had any experience as an office-boy?"

"I should say I had, mister; why, I'm a dummy director in three
mining-companies now."




OFFICE-SEEKERS


A gentleman, not at all wealthy, who had at one time represented in
Congress, through a couple of terms a district not far from the national
capitol, moved to California where in a year or so he rose to be
sufficiently prominent to become a congressional subject, and he was
visited by the central committee of his district to be talked to.

"We want you," said the spokesman, "to accept the nomination for
Congress."

"I can't do it, gentlemen," he responded promptly.

"You must," the spokesman demanded.

"But I can't," he insisted. "I'm too poor."

"Oh, that will be all right; we've got plenty of money for the
campaign."

"But that is nothing," contended the gentleman; "it's the expense in
Washington. I've been there, and know all about it."

"Well you didn't lose by it, and it doesn't cost any more because you
come from California."

The gentleman became very earnest.

"Doesn't it?" he exclaimed in a business-like tone. "Why my dear sirs, I
used to have to send home every month about half a dozen busted
office-seeker constituents, and the fare was only $3 apiece, and I could
stand it, but it would cost me over $100 a head to send them out here,
and I'm no millionaire; therefore, as much as I regret it, I must insist
on declining."


"On a trip to Washington," said Col. W.F. Cody. "I had for a companion
Sousa, the band leader. We had berths opposite each other. Early one
morning as we approached the capital I thought I would have a little
fun. I got a morning paper, and, after rustling it a few minutes, I said
to Sousa:

"'That's the greatest order Cleveland has just issued!'

"'What's that?' came from the opposite berth.

"'Why he's ordered all the office-seekers rounded up at the depot and
sent home.'

"You should have seen the general consternation that ensued. From almost
every berth on the car a head came out from between the curtains, and
with one accord nearly every man shouted:

'What's that?'"




OLD AGE


_See_ Age.




OLD MASTERS


_See_ Paintings.




ONIONS


  Can the Burbanks of the glorious West
    Either make or buy or sell
  An onion with an onion's taste
    But with a violet's smell?


SHE--"They say that an apple a day will keep the doctor away."

HE--"Why stop there? An onion a day will keep everybody away."




OPERA


"Which do you consider the most melodious Wagnerian opera?" asked Mrs.
Cumrox.

"There are several I haven't heard, aren't there?" rejoined her husband.

"Yes."

"Then I guess it's one of them."




OPPORTUNITY


Many a man creates his own lack of opportunities.--_Life_.


  Who seeks, and will not take when once 'tis offer'd,
  Shall never find it more.

  --_Shakespeare_.


  In life's small things be resolute and great
  To keep thy muscles trained; know'st thou when fate
  Thy measure takes? or when she'll say to thee,
  "I find thee worthy, do this thing for me!"

  --_Emerson_.




OPTIMISM


Optimism is Worry on a spree.--_Judge_.


An optimist is a man who doesn't care what happens just so is doesn't
happen to him.


An optimist is the fellow who doesn't know what's coming to him.--_J.J.
O'Connell_.


An optimist is a woman who thinks that everything is for the best, and
that she is the best.-_Judge_.


A political optimist is a fellow who can make sweet, pink lemonade out
of the bitter yellow fruit which his opponents hand him.


Mayor William S. Jordan, at a Democratic banquet in Jacksonville, said
of optimism:

"Let us cultivate optimism and hopefulness. There is nothing like it.
The optimistic man can see a bright side to everything--everything.

"A missionary in a slum once laid his hand on a man's shoulder and said:

"'Friend, do you hear the solemn ticking of that clock? Tick-tack;
tick-tack. And oh, friend, do you know what day it inexorably and
relentlessly brings nearer?"

"'Yes-pay day,' the other, an honest, optimistic workingman, replied."


A Scotsman who has a keen appreciation of the strong characteristics of
his countrymen delights in the story of a druggist known both for his
thrift and his philosophy.

Once he was aroused from a deep sleep by the ringing of his night bell.
He went down to his little shop and sold a dose of rather nauseous
medicine to a distressed customer.

"What profit do you make out of that?" grumbled his wife.

"A ha'penny," was the cheerful answer.

"And for that bit of money you'll lie awake maybe an hour," she said
impatiently.

"Never grumble o'er that, woman," was his placid answer. "The dose will
keep him awake all night. We must thank heaven we ha' the profit and
none o' the pain o' this transaction."


A German shoemaker left the gas turned on in his shop one night and upon
arriving in the morning struck a match to light it.

There was a terrific explosion, and the shoemaker was blown out through
the door almost to the middle of the street.

A passer-by rushed to his assistance, and, after helping him to rise,
inquired if he was injured.

The little German gazed at his place of business, which was now burning
quite briskly, and said:

"No, I ain't hurt. But I got out shust in time, eh?"


  My own hope is, a sun will pierce
  The thickest cloud earth ever stretched;
  That, after Last, returns the First,
  Tho' a wide compass round be fetched;
  That what began best, can't prove worst,
  Nor what God blessed once, prove accursed.

  --_Browning_.




ORATORS


It is narrated that Colonel Breckenridge, meeting Majah Buffo'd on the
streets of Lexington one day asked: "What's the meaning, suh, of the
conco's befor' the co't house?"

To which the majah replied:

"General Buckneh is making a speech. General Buckneh suh, is a bo'n
oratah."

"What do you mean by bo'n oratah?"

"If you or I, suh, were asked how much two and two make, we would reply
'foh.' When this is asked of a bo'n oratah, he replies: 'When in the
co'se of human events it becomes necessary to take an integah of the
second denomination and add it, suh, to an integah of the same
denomination, the result, suh--and I have the science of mathematics to
back me up in my judgment--the result, suh, and I say it without feah of
successful contradiction, suh-the result is fo'' That's a bo'n oratah."


When Demosthenes was asked what was the first part of Oratory, he
answered, "Action," and which was the second, he replied, "Action," and
which was the third, he still answered "Action."--_Plutarch_.




OUTDOOR LIFE


One day, in the spring of '74, Cap Smith's freight outfit pulled into
Helena, Montana. After unloading the freight, the "mule-skinners," to a
man, repaired to the Combination Gambling House and proceeded to load
themselves. Late in the afternoon, Zeb White, Smith's oldest skinner,
having exchanged all of his hard coin for liquid refreshment, zigzagged
into the corral, crawled under a wagon, and went to sleep. After supper,
Smith, making his nightly rounds, happened on the sleeping Zeb.

"Kinder chilly, ain't it?" he asked, after earnestly prodding Zeb with a
convenient stick.

"I reckon 'tis," Zeb drowsily mumbled.

"Ain't yer 'fraid ye'll freeze?"

'"Tis cold, ain't it? Say, Cap, jest throw on another wagon, will yer?"




PAINTING


_See_ Art.




PAINTINGS


She had engaged a maid recently from the country, and was now employed
in showing her newly acquired treasure over the house and enlightening
her in regard to various duties, etc. At last they reached the best
room. "These," said the mistress of the house, pausing before an
extensive row of masculine portraits, "are very valuable, and you must
be very careful when dusting. They are old masters." Mary's jaw dropped,
and a look of intense wonder overspread her rubicund face.

"Lor', mum," she gasped, gazing with bulging eyes on the face of her new
employer, "lor', mum, who'd ever 'ave thought you'd been married all
these times!"


A picture is a poem without words.--_Cornificus_.




PANICS


One night at a theatre some scenery took fire, and a very perceptible
odor of burning alarmed the spectators. A panic seemed to be imminent,
when an actor appeared on the stage.

"Ladies and gentlemen," he said, "compose yourselves. There is no
danger."

The audience did not seem reassured.

"Ladies and gentlemen," continued the comedian, rising to the necessity
of the occasion, "confound it all--do you think if there was any danger
I'd be here?"

The panic collapsed.




PARENTS


William, aged five, had been reprimanded by his father for interrupting
while his father was telling his mother about the new telephone for
their house. He sulked awhile, then went to his mother, and, patting her
on the cheeks, said, "Mother dear, I love you."

"Don't you love me too?" asked his father.

Without glancing at him, William said disdainfully, "The wire's busy."


"What does your mother say when you tell her those dreadful lies?"

"She says I take after father."


"A little lad was desperately ill, but refused to take the medicine the
doctor had left. At last his mother gave him up.

"Oh, my boy will die; my boy will die," she sobbed.

But a voice spoke from the bed, "Don't cry, mother. Father'll be home
soon and he'll make me take it."


Mrs. White was undoubtedly the disciplinarian of the family. The master
of the house, a professor, and consequently a very busy man, was
regarded by the children as one of themselves, subject to the laws of
"Mother."

Mrs. White had been ill for some weeks and although the father felt that
the children were showing evidence of running wild, he seemed powerless
to correct the fault. One evening at dinner, however, he felt obliged to
reprimand Marion severely.

"Marion," he said, sternly, "stop that at once, or I shall take you from
the table and punish you soundly."

He experienced a feeling of profound satisfaction in being able to thus
reprove when it was necessary and glanced across the table expecting to
see a very demure little miss. Instead, Marion and her little brother
exchanged glances and then simultaneously a grin overspread their faces,
while Marion said in a mirthful tone:

"Oh, Francis, hear father trying to talk like mother!"


Robert has lately acquired a stepmother. Hoping to win his affection
this new parent has been very lenient with him, while his father,
feeling his responsibility, has been unusually strict. The boys of the
neighborhood, who had taken pains to warn Robert of the terrible
character of stepmothers in general, recently waited on him in a body,
and the following conversation was overheard:

"How do you like your stepmother, Bob?"

"Like her! Why fellers, I just love her. All I wish is I had a
stepfather, too."


"Well, Bobby, what do you want to be when you grow up?"

BOBBY (remembering private seance in the wood-shed)--"A orphan."


Little Eleanor's mother was an American, while her father was a German.

One day, after Eleanor had been subjected to rather severe disciplinary
measures at the hands of her father, she called her mother into another
room, closed the door significantly, and said: "Mother, I don't want to
meddle in your business, but I wish you'd send that husband of yours
back to Germany."


The lawyer was sitting at his desk absorbed in the preparation of a
brief. So bent was he on his work that he did not hear the door as it
was pushed gently open, nor see the curly head that was thrust into his
office. A little sob attracted his notice, and, turning he saw a face
that was streaked with tears and told plainly that feelings had been
hurt.

"Well, my little man, did you want to see me?"

"Are you a lawyer?"

"Yes. What do you want?"

"I want"--and there was resolute ring in his voice--"I want a divorce
from my papa and mama."




PARROTS


Pat had but a limited knowledge of the bird kingdom. One day, walking
down the street, he noticed a green bird in a cage, talking and singing.
Thinking to pet it he stroked its head. The bird turned quickly,
screaming, "Hello! What do you want?" Pat shied off like a frightened
horse, lifting his hat and bowing politely as he stuttered out:
"Ex-excuse me s-sir, I thought you was a burrd!"




PARTNERSHIP


A West Virginia darky, a blacksmith, recently announced a change in his
business as follows: "Notice--De co-pardnership heretofore resisting
between me and Mose Skinner is hereby resolved. Dem what owe de firm
will settle wid me, and dem what de firm owes will settle wid Mose."




PASSWORDS

"I want to change my password," said the man who had for two years
rented a safety-deposit box.

"Very well," replied the man in charge. "What is the old one?"

"Gladys."

"And what do you wish the new one to be?"

"Mabel. Gladys has gone to Reno."


Senator Tillman not long ago piloted a plain farmer-constituent around
the Capitol for a while, and then, having some work to do on the floor,
conducted him to the Senate gallery.

After an hour or so the visitor approached a gallery door-keeper and
said: "My name is Swate. I am a friend of Senator Tillman. He brought me
here and I want to go out and look around a bit. I though I would tell
you so I can get back in."

"That's all right," said the doorkeeper, "but I may not be here when you
return. In order to prevent any mistake I will give you the password so
you can get your seat again."

Swate's eyes rather popped out at this. "What's the word?" he asked.

"Idiosyncrasy."

"What?"

"Idiosyncrasy."

"I guess I'll stay in," said Swate.




PATIENCE


"Your husband seems to be very impatient lately."

"Yes, he is, very."

"What is the matter with him?"

"He is getting tired waiting for a chance to get out where he can sit
patiently hour after hour waiting for a fish to nibble at his bait."




PATRIOTISM


General Gordon, the Confederate commander, used to tell the following
story: He was sitting by the roadside one blazing hot day when a
dilapidated soldier, his clothing in rags, a shoe lacking, his head
bandaged, and his arm in a sling, passed him. He was soliloquizing in
this manner:

"I love my country. I'd fight for my country. I'd starve and go thirsty
for my country. I'd die for my country. But if ever this damn war is
over I'll never love another country!"


A snobbish young Englishman visiting Washington's home at Mount Vernon
was so patronizing as to arouse the wrath of guards and caretakers; but
it remained for "Shep" Wright, an aged gardener and one of the first
scouts of the Confederate army, to settle the gentleman. Approaching
"Shep," the Englishman said:

"Ah--er--my man, the hedge! Yes, I see, George got this hedge from dear
old England."

"Reckon he did," replied "Shep". "He got this whole blooming country
from England."


Speaking of the policy of the Government of the United States with
respect to its troublesome neighbors in Central and South America,
"Uncle Joe" Cannon told of a Missouri congressman who is decidedly
opposed to any interference in this regard by our country. It seems that
this spring the Missourian met an Englishman at Washington with whom he
conversed touching affairs in the localities mentioned. The westerner
asserted his usual views with considerable forcefulness, winding up with
this observation:

"The whole trouble is that we Americans need a ---- good licking!"

"You do, indeed!" promptly asserted the Britisher, as if pleased by the
admission. But his exultation was of brief duration, for the Missouri
man immediately concluded with:

"But there ain't nobody can do it!"


A number of Confederate prisoners, during the Civil War, were detained
at one of the western military posts under conditions much less
unpleasant than those to be found in the ordinary military prison. Most
of them appreciated their comparatively good fortune. One young fellow,
though, could not be reconciled to association with Yankees under any
circumstances, and took advantage of every opportunity to express his
feelings. He was continually rubbing it in about the battle of
Chickamauga, which had just been fought with such disastrous results for
the Union forces.

"Maybe we didn't eat you up at Chickamauga!" was the way he generally
greeted a bluecoat.

The Union men, when they could stand it no longer, reported the matter
to General Grant. Grant summoned the prisoner.

"See here," said Grant, "I understand that you are continually insulting
the men here with reference to the battle of Chickamauga. They have
borne with you long enough, and I'm going to give you your choice of two
things. You will either take the oath of allegiance to the United
States, or be sent to a Northern prison. Choose."

The prisoner was silent for some time. "Well," he said at last, in a
resigned tone, "I reckon, General, I'll take the oath."

The oath was duly administered. Turning to Grant, the fellow then asked,
very penitently, if he might speak.

"Yes," said the general indifferently. "What is it?"

"Why, I was just thinkin', General," he drawled, "they certainly did
give us hell at Chickamauga."


Historical controversies are creeping into the schools. In a New York
public institution attended by many races, during an examination in
history the teacher asked a little chap who discovered America.

He was evidently thrown into a panic and hesitated, much to the
teacher's surprise, to make any reply.

"Oh, please, ma'am," he finally stammered, "ask me somethin' else."

"Something else, Jimmy? Why should I do that?"

"The fellers was talkin' 'bout it yesterday," replied Jimmy, "Pat McGee
said it was discovered by an Irish saint. Olaf, he said it was a sailor
from Norway, and Giovanni said it was Columbus, an' if you'd a-seen what
happened you wouldn't ask a little feller like me."


Our country! When right to be kept right; when wrong to be put
right!--_Carl Schurz_.


Our country! In her intercourse with foreign nations, may she always be
in the right; but our country, right or wrong.--_Stephen Decatur_.


There are no points of the compass on the chart of true
patriotism.--_Robert C. Winthrop_.


Patriotic exercises and flag worship will avail nothing unless the
states give to their people of the kind of government that arouses
patriotism.--_Franklin Pierce II_.




PENSIONS


WILLIS--"I wonder if there will ever be universal peace."

GILLIS--"Sure. All they've got to do is to get the nations to agree that
in case of war the winner pays the pensions."--_Puck_.


"Why was it you never married again, Aunt Sallie?" inquired Mrs. McClane
of an old colored woman in West Virginia.

"'Deed, Miss Ellie," replied the old woman earnestly, "dat daid nigger's
wuth moah to me dan a live one. I gits a pension."--_Edith Howell
Armor_.


If England had a system of pensions like ours, we should see that "all
that was left of the Noble Six Hundred" was six thousand pensioners.




PESSIMISM


A pessimist is a man who lives with an optimist.--_Francis Wilson_.


  How happy are the Pessimists!
    A bliss without alloy
  Is theirs when they have proved to us
    There's no such thing as joy!

  --_Harold Susman_.


A pessimist is one who, of two evils, chooses them both.


"I had a mighty queer surprise this morning," remarked a local stock
broker. "I put on my last summer's thin suit on account of this
extraordinary hot weather, and in one of the trousers pockets I found a
big roll of bills which I had entirely forgotten."

"Were any of them receipted?" asked a pessimist.


To tell men that they cannot help themselves is to fling them into
recklessness and despair.--_Fronde_.


  With earth's first clay they did the last man knead,
  And there of the last harvest sowed the seed:
  And the first morning of creation wrote
  What the last dawn of reckoning shall read.

  Yesterday this day's madness did prepare;
  Tomorrow's silence, triumph, or despair.
  Drink! For you know not whence you came, nor why;
  Drink! For you know not why you go, nor where.

  --_Omar Khayyam_




PHILADELPHIA


A Staten Island man, when the mosquitoes began to get busy in the
borough across the bay, has been in the habit every summer of
transplanting his family to the Delaware Water Gap for a few weeks. They
were discussing their plans the other day, when the oldest boy, aged
eight, looked up from his geography and said:

"Pop, Philadelphia is on the Delaware River, isn't it?"

Pop replied that such was the case.

"I wonder if that's what makes the Delaware Water Gap?" insinuated the
youngster.--_S.S. Stinson_.


Among the guests at an informal dinner in New York was a bright
Philadelphia girl.

"These are snails," said a gentleman next to her, when the dainty was
served. "I suppose Philadelphia people don't eat them for fear of
cannibalism."

"Oh, no," was her instant reply; "it isn't that. We couldn't catch
them."




PHILANTHROPISTS


  Little grains of short weight,
    Little crooked twists,
  Fill the land with magnates
    And philanthropists.


_See also_ Charity.




PHILOSOPHY


Philosophy is finding out how many things there are in the world which
you can't have if you want them, and don't want if you can have
them.--_Puck_.




PHYSICIANS AND SURGEONS


The eight-year-old son of a Baltimore physician, together with a friend,
was playing in his father's office, during the absence of the doctor,
when suddenly the first lad threw open a closet door and disclosed to
the terrified gaze of his little friend an articulated skeleton.

When the visitor had sufficiently recovered from his shock to stand the
announcement the doctor's son explained that his father was extremely
proud of that skeleton.

"Is he?" asked the other. "Why?"

"I don't know," was the answer; "maybe it was his first patient."


The doctor stood by the bedside, and looked gravely down at the sick
man.

"I can not hide from you the fact that you are very ill," he said. "Is
there any one you would like to see?"

"Yes," said the sufferer faintly.

"Who is it?"

"Another doctor."--_Judge_.


"Doctor, I want you to look after my office while I'm on my vacation."

"But I've just graduated, doctor. Have had no experience." "That's all
right, my boy. My practice is strictly fashionable. Tell the men to play
golf and ship the lady patients off to Europe."


An old darky once lay seriously ill of fever and was treated for a long
time by one doctor, and then another doctor, for some reason, came and
took the first one's place. The second physician made a thorough
examination of the patient. At the end he said, "Did the other doctor
take your temperature?"

"Ah dunno, sah," the patient answered. "Ah hain't missed nuthin' so far
but mah watch."


There had been an epidemic of colds in the town, and one physician who
had had scarcely any sleep for two days called upon a patient--an
Irishman--who was suffering from pneumonia, and as he leaned over to
hear the patient's respiration he called upon Pat to count.

The doctor was so fatigued that he fell asleep, with his ear on the sick
man's chest. It seemed but a minute when he suddenly awoke to hear Pat
still counting: "Tin thousand an' sivinty-six, tin thousand an'
sivinty-sivin--"


FIRST DOCTOR--"I operated on him for appendicitis."

SECOND DOCTOR--"What was the matter with him?"--_Life_.


FUSSY LADY PATIENT--"I was suffering so much, doctor, that I wanted to
die."

DOCTOR--"You did right to call me in, dear lady."


MEDICAL STUDENT--"What did you operate on that man for?"

EMINENT SURGEON--"Two hundred dollars."

MEDICAL STUDENT--"I mean what did he have?"

EMINENT SURGEON--"Two hundred dollars."


The three degrees in medical treatment--Positive, ill; comparative,
pill; superlative, bill.


"What caused the coolness between you and that young doctor? I thought
you were engaged."

"His writing is rather illegible. He sent me a note calling for 10,000
kisses."

"Well?"

"I thought it was a prescription, and took it to the druggist to be
filled."


A tourist while traveling in the north of Scotland, far away from
anywhere, exclaimed to one of the natives: "Why, what do you do when any
of you are ill? You can never get a doctor."

"Nae, sir," replied Sandy. "We've jist to dee a naitural death."


When the physician gives you medicine and tells you to take it, you take
it. "Yours not to reason why; yours but to do and die."


Physicians, of all men, are most happy: whatever good success soever
they have, the world proclaimeth; and what faults they commit, the earth
covereth.--_Quarles_.


  This is the way that physicians mend or end us,
  Secundum artem: but although we sneer
  In health--when ill, we call them to attend us,
  Without the least propensity to jeer.

  --_Byron_.


_See also_ Bills.




PICKPOCKETS


_See_ Thieves; Wives.




PINS


"Oh, dear!" sighed the wife as she was dressing for a dinner-party, "I
can't find a pin anywhere. I wonder where all the pins go to, anyway?"

"That's a difficult question to answer," replied her husband, "because
they are always pointed in one direction and headed in another."




PITTSBURG


"How about that airship?"

"It went up in smoke."

"Burned, eh?"

"Oh, no. Made an ascension at Pittsburg."


SKYBOUGH--"Why have you put that vacuum cleaner in front of your
airship?"

KLOUDLEIGH--"To clear a path. I have an engagement to sail over
Pittsburg."


A man just back from South America was describing a volcanic
disturbance.

"I was smoking a cigar before the door of my hotel," said he, "when I
was startled by a rather violent earthquake. The next instant the sun
was obscured and darkness settled over the city. Looking in the
direction of the distant volcano, I saw heavy clouds of smoke rolling
from it, with an occasional tongue of flame flashing against the dark
sky.

"Some of the natives about me were on their knees praying; others darted
aimlessly about, crazed with terror and shouting for mercy. The landlord
of the hotel rushed out and seized me by the arm.

"'To the harbor!' he cried in my ear.

"Together we hurried down the narrow street. As we panted along, the
dark smoke whirled in our faces, and a dangerous shower of red-hot
cinders sizzled about us. Do you know, I don't believe I was ever so
homesick in all my life!"

"Homesick?" gasped the listener. "Homesick at a time like that?"

"Sure. I live in Pittsburg, you know."




PLAY


The mother heard a great commotion, as of cyclones mixed up with
battering-rams, and she hurried upstairs to discover what was the
matter. There she found Tommie sitting in the middle of the floor with a
broad smile on his face.

"Oh, Mama," said he delightedly, "I've locked Grandpa and Uncle George
in the cupboard, and when they get a little angrier I am going to play
Daniel in the lion's den."




PLEASURE


BILLY--"Huh! I bet you didn't have a good time at your birthday party
yesterday."

WILLIE--"I bet I did."

BILLY--"Then why ain't you sick today?"


Winnie had been very naughty, and her mamma said: "Don't you know you
will never go to Heaven if you are so naughty?"

After thinking a moment she said: "Oh, well, I have been to the circus
once and 'Uncle Tom's Cabin' twice. I can't expect to go everywhere."


In Concord, New Hampshire, they tell of an old chap who made his wife
keep a cash account. Each week he would go over it, growling and
grumbling. On one such occasion he delivered himself of the following:

"Look here, Sarah, mustard-plasters, fifty cents; three teeth extracted,
two dollars! There's two dollars and a half in one week spent for your
own private pleasure. Do you think I am made of money?"


Here's to beauty, wit and wine and to a full stomach, a full purse and a
light heart.


  A dinner, coffee and cigars,
    Of friends, a half a score.
  Each favorite vintage in its turn,--
    What man could wish for more?


The roses of pleasure seldom last long enough to adorn the brow of him
who plucks them; for they are the only roses which do not retain their
sweetness after they have lost their beauty.--_Hannah More_.


_See also_ Amusements.




POETRY


Poetry is a gift we are told, but most editors won't take it even at
that.




POETS


EDITOR--"Have you submitted this poem anywhere else?"

JOKESMITH--"No, sir."

EDITOR--"Then where did you get that black eye?"--_Satire_.


"Why is it," asked the persistent poetess, "that you always insist that
we write on one side of the paper only? Why not on both?"

In that moment the editor experienced an access of courage--courage to
protest against the accumulated wrongs of his kind.

"One side of the paper, madame," he made answer, "is in the nature of a
compromise."

"A compromise?"

"A compromise. What we really desire, if we could have our way, is not
one, or both, but neither."


Sir Lewis Morris was complaining to Oscar Wilde about the neglect of his
poems by the press. "It is a complete conspiracy of silence against me,
a conspiracy of silence. What ought I to do, Oscar?" "Join it," replied
Wilde.


  God's prophets of the Beautiful,
  These Poets were.

  --_E.B. Browning_.


  We call those poets who are first to mark
  Through earth's dull mist the coming of the dawn,--
  Who see in twilight's gloom the first pale spark,
  While others only note that day is gone.

  --_O.W. Holmes_.




POLICE


A man who was "wanted" in Russia had been photographed in six different
positions, and the pictures duly circulated among the police department.
A few days later the chief of police wrote to headquarters: "Sir, I have
duly received the portraits of the six miscreants. I have arrested five
of them, and the sixth will be secured shortly."


"I had a message from the Black Hand," said the resident of Graftburg.
"They told me to leave $2,000 in a vacant house in a certain street."

"Did you tell the police?"

"Right away."

"What did they do?"

"They said that while I was about it I might leave them a couple of
thousand in the same place."


Recipe for a policeman:

  To a quart of boiling temper add a pint of Irish stew
    Together with cracked nuts, long beats and slugs;
  Serve hot with mangled citizens who ask the time of day--
    The receipt is much the same for making thugs.

  --_Life_.


_See also_ Servants.




POLITENESS


_See_ Courtesy; Etiquet.




POLITICAL PARTIES


ZOO SUPERINTENDENT--"What was all the rumpus out there this morning?"

ATTENDANT--"The bull moose and the elephant were fighting over their
feed."

"What happened?"

"The donkey ate it."--_Life_.




POLITICIANS


Politicians always belong to the opposite party.


The man who goes into politics as a business has no business to go into
politics.--_Life_.


A political orator, evidently better acquainted with western geography
than with the language of the Greeks, recently exclaimed with fervor
that his principles should prevail "from Alpha to Omaha."


POLITICIAN--"Congratulate me, my dear, I've won the nomination."

HIS WIFE (in surprise)--"Honestly?"

POLITICIAN--"Now what in thunder did you want to bring up that point
for?"


"What makes you think the baby is going to be a great politician?" asked
the young mother, anxiously.

"I'll tell you," answered the young father, confidently; "he can say
more things that sound well and mean nothing at all than any kid I ever
saw."


"The mere proposal to set the politician to watch the capitalist has
been disturbed by the rather disconcerting discovery that they are both
the same man. We are past the point where being a capitalist is the only
way of becoming a politician, and we are dangerously near the point
where being a politician is much the quickest way of becoming a
capitalist."--_G.K. Chesterton_.


At a political meeting the speakers and the audience were much annoyed
and disturbed by a man who constantly called out: "Mr. Henry! Henry,
Henry, Henry! I call for Mr. Henry!" After several interruptions of
this kind during each speech, a young man ascended the platform, and
began an eloquent and impassioned speech in which he handled the issues
of the day with easy familiarity. He was in the midst of a glowing
period when suddenly the old cry echoed through the hall: "Mr. Henry!
Henry, Henry, Henry! I call for Mr. Henry!" With a word to the speaker,
the chairman stepped to the front of the platform and remarked that it
would oblige the audience very much if the gentleman in the rear of the
hall would refrain from any further calls for Mr. Henry, as that
gentleman was then addressing the meeting.

"Mr. Henry? Is that Mr. Henry?" came in astonished tones from the rear.
"Thunder! that can't be him. Why, that's the young man that asked me to
call for Mr. Henry."


A political speaker, while making a speech, paused in the midst of it
and exclaimed: "Now gentlemen, what do you think?"

A man rose in the assembly, and with one eye partially closed, replied
modestly, with a strong Scotch brogue: "I think, sir, I do, indeed,
sir--I think if you and I were to stump the country together we could
tell more lies than any other two men in the country, sir, and I'd not
say a word myself during the whole time, sir."


The Rev. Dr. Biddell tells a lively story about a Presbyterian minister
who had a young son, a lad about ten years of age. He was endeavoring to
bring him up in the way he should go, and was one day asked by a friend
what he intended to make of him. In reply he said:

"I am watching the indications. I have a plan which I propose trying
with the boy. It is this: I am going to place in my parlor a Bible, an
apple and a silver dollar. Then I am going to leave the room and call in
the boy. I am going to watch him from some convenient place without
letting him know that he is seen. Then, if he chooses the Bible, I shall
make a preacher of him; if he takes the apple, a farmer he shall be; but
if he chooses the dollar, I will make him a business man."

The plan was carried out. The arrangements were made and the boy called
in from his play. After a little while the preacher and his wife softly
entered the room. There was the youngster. He was seated on the Bible,
in one hand was the apple, from which he was just taking a bite, and in
the other he clasped the silver dollar. The good man turned to his
consort. "Wife," he said, "the boy is a hog. I shall make a politician
of him."


Senator Mark Hanna was walking through his mill one day when he heard a
boy say:

"I wish I had Hanna's money and he was in the poorhouse."

When he returned to the office the senator sent for the lad, who was
plainly mystified by the summons.

"So you wish you had my money and I was in the poorhouse," said the
great man grimly. "Now supposing you had your wish, what would you do?"

"Well," said the boy quickly, his droll grin showing his appreciation of
the situation, "I guess I'd get you out of the poorhouse the first
thing."

Mr. Hanna roared with laughter and dismissed the youth.

"You might as well push that boy along," he said to one of his
assistants; "he's too good a politician to be kept down."


_See also_ Candidates; Public Speakers.




POLITICS


Politics consists of two sides and a fence.


If I were asked to define politics in relation to the British public, I
should define it as a spasm of pain recurring once in every four or five
years.--_A.E.W. Mason_.


LITTLE CLARENCE (who has an inquiring mind)--"Papa, the Forty Thieves--"

MR. CALLIPERS--"Now, my son, you are too young to talk
politics."--_Puck_.


"Many a man," remarked the milk toast philosopher, "has gone into
politics with a fine future, and come out with a terrible past." Lord
Dufferin delivered an address before the Greek class of the McGill
University about which a reporter wrote:

"His lordship spoke to the class in the purest ancient Greek, without
mispronouncing a word or making the slightest grammatical solecism."

"Good heavens!" remarked Sir Hector Langevin to the late Sir John A.
Macdonald, "how did the reporter know that!"

"I told him," was the Conservative statesman's answer.

"But you don't know Greek."

"True; but I know a little about politics."


Little Millie's father and grandfather were Republicans; and, as
election drew near, they spoke of their opponents with increasing
warmth, never heeding Millie's attentive ears and wondering eyes.

One night, however, as the little maid was preparing for bed, she
whispered in a frightened voice: "Oh, mamma, I don't dare to go
upstairs. I'm afraid there's a Democrat under the bed."


"The shortest after-dinner speech I ever heard," said Cy Warman, the
poet, "was at a dinner in Providence."

"A man was assigned to the topic, 'The Christian in Politics.' When he
was called upon he arose, bowed and said: 'Mr. Chairman, ladies and
gentlemen: The Christian in Politics--he ain't.'"


Politics is but the common pulse-beat of which revolution is the fever
spasm.--_Wendell Phillips_.




POVERTY


Poverty is no disgrace, but that's about all that can be said in its
favor.


A traveler passing through the Broad Top Mountain district in northern
Bedford County, Pennsylvania, last summer, came across a lad of sixteen
cultivating a patch of miserable potatoes. He remarked upon their
unpromising appearance and expressed pity for anyone who had to dig a
living out of such soil.

"I don't need no pity," said the boy resentfully.

The traveler hastened to soothe his wounded pride. But in the offended
tone of one who has been misjudged the boy added; "I ain't as poor as
you think. I'm only _workin'_ here. I don't _own_ this place."


One day an inspector of a New York tenement-house found four families
living in one room, chalk lines being drawn across in such manner as to
mark out a quarter for each family.

"How do you get along here?" inquired the inspector.

"Very well," was the reply. "Only the man in the farthest corner keeps
boarders."


There is no man so poor but that he can afford to keep one dog, and I
hev seen them so poor that they could afford to keep three.--_Josh
Billings_.


May poverty be always a day's march behind us.


Not he who has little, but he who wishes for more, is poor.--_Seneca_.




PRAISE


WIFE (complainingly)--"You never praise me up to any one."

HUB--"I don't, eh! You should hear me describe you at the intelligence
office when I'm trying to hire a cook."


"What sort of a man is he?"

"Well, he's just what I've been looking for--a generous soul, with a
limousine body."--_Life_.




PRAYER MEETINGS


A foreigner who attended a prayer meeting in Indiana was asked what the
assistants did. "Not very much," he said, "only they sin and
bray."



PRAYERS


During the winter the village preacher was taken sick, and several of
his children were also afflicted with the mumps. One day a number of the
devout church members called to pray for the family. While they were
about it a boy, the son of a member living in the country, knocked at
the preacher's door. He had his arms full of things. "What have you
there?" a deacon asked him.

"Pa's prayers for a happy Thanksgiving," the boy answered, as he
proceeded to unload potatoes, bacon, flour and other provisions for the
afflicted family.


A little girl in Washington surprised her mother the other day by
closing her evening prayers in these words: "Amen; good bye; ring off."


TEACHER--"Now, Tommy, suppose a man gave you $100 to keep for him and
then died, what would you do? Would you pray for him?"

TOMMY--"No, sir; but I would pray for another like him."


A well-known revivalist whose work has been principally among the
negroes of a certain section of the South remembers one service
conducted by him that was not entirely successful. He had had very poor
attendance, and spent much time in questioning the darkies as to their
reason for not attending.

"Why were you not at our revival?" he asked one old man, whom he
encountered on the road.

"Oh, I dunno," said the backward one.

"Don't you ever pray?" demanded the preacher.

The old man shook his head. "No," said he; "I carries a rabbit's
foot."--_Taylor Edwards_.


A little girl attending an Episcopal church for the first time, was
amazed to see all kneel suddenly. She asked her mother what they were
going to do. Her mother replied, "Hush, they're going to say their
prayers."

"What with all their clothes on?"


The new minister in a Georgia church was delivering his first sermon.
The darky janitor was a critical listener from a back corner of the
church. The minister's sermon was eloquent, and his prayers seemed to
cover the whole category of human wants.

After the services one of the deacons asked the old darky what he
thought of the new minister. "Don't you think he offers up a good
prayer, Joe?"

"Ah mos' suhtainly does, boss. Why, dat man axed de good Lord fo' things
dat de odder preacher didn't even know He had!"


Hilma was always glad to say her prayers, but she wanted to be sure that
she was heard in the heavens above as well as on the earth beneath.

One night, after the usual "Amen," she dropped her head upon her pillow
and closed her eyes. After a moment she lifted her hand and, waving it
aloft, said, "Oh, Lord! this prayer comes from 203 Selden Avenue."


Willie's mother had told him that if he went to the river to play he
should go to bed. One day she was away, and on coming home about two
o'clock in the afternoon found Willie in bed.

"What are you in bed for?" asked his mother.

"I went to the river to play, and I knew you would put me in bed, so I
didn't wait for you to come."

"Did you say your prayers before you went to bed?" asked his mother.

"No," said Willie. "You don't suppose God would be loafing around here
this time of day, do you? He's at the office."


Little Polly, coming in from her walk one morning, informed her mother
that she had seen a lion in the park. No amount of persuasion or
reasoning could make her vary her statement one hairbreadth. That night,
when she slipped down on her knees to say her prayers, her mother said,
"Polly, ask God to forgive you for that fib."

Polly hid her face for a moment. Then she looked straight into her
mother's eyes, her own eyes shining like stars, and said, "I did ask
him, mamma, dearest, and he said, 'Don't mention it, Miss Polly; that
big yellow dog has often fooled me.'"


Prayer is the spirit speaking truth to Truth.--_Bailey_.


  Pray to be perfect, though material leaven
  Forbid the spirit so on earth to be;
  But if for any wish thou darest not pray,
  Then pray to God to cast that wish away.

  --_Hartley Coleridge_.


_See also_ Courage.




PREACHING


The services in the chapel of a certain western university are from time
to time conducted by eminent clergymen of many denominations and from
many cities.

On one occasion, when one of these visiting divines asked the president
how long he should speak, that witty officer replied:

"There is no limit, Doctor, upon the time you may preach; but I may tell
you that there is a tradition here that the most souls are saved during
the first twenty-five minutes."


One Sunday morning a certain young pastor in his first charge announced
nervously:

"I will take for my text the words, 'And they fed five men with five
thousand loaves of bread and two thousand fishes.'"

At this misquotation an old parishioner from his seat in the amen corner
said audibly:

"That's no miracle--I could do it myself."

The young preacher said nothing at the time, but the next Sunday he
announced the same text again. This time he got it right:

"And they fed five thousand men on five loaves of bread and two
fishes."

He waited a moment, and then, leaning over the pulpit and looking at the
amen corner, he said:

"And could you do that, too, Mr. Smith?"

"Of course I could," Mr. Smith replied.

"And how would you do it?" said the preacher.

"With what was left over from last Sunday," said Mr. Smith.


The late Bishop Foss once visited a Philadelphia physician for some
trifling ailment. "Do you, sir," the doctor asked, in the course of his
examination, "talk in your sleep?"

"No sir," answered the bishop. "I talk in other people's. Aren't you
aware that I am a divine?"


"Yes, sir," said the irate man, "I got even with that clergyman. I
slurred him. Why, I hired one hundred people to attend his church and go
to sleep before he had preached five minutes."


A noted eastern Judge when visiting in the west went to church on
Sunday; which isn't so remarkable as the fact that he knew beforehand
that the preacher was exceedingly tedious and long winded to the last
degree. After the service the preacher met the Judge in the vestibule
and said: "Well, your Honor, how did you like the sermon?"

"Oh, most wonderfully," replied the Judge. "It was like the peace of
God; for it passed all understanding, and, like His mercy, I thought it
would have endured forever."


The preacher's evening discourse was dry and long, and the congregation
gradually melted away. The sexton tiptoed up to the pulpit and slipped a
note under one corner of the Bible. It read:

"When you are through, will you please turn off the lights, lock the
door, and put the key under the mat?"


The new minister's first sermon was very touching and created much
favorable comment among the members of the church. One morning, a few
days later, his nine-year-old son happened to be alone in the pastor's
study and with childish curiosity started to read through some papers on
the desk. They happened to be this identical sermon, but he was most
interested in the marginal notes. In one place in the margin were
written the words, "Cry a little." Further on in the discourse appeared
another marginal remark, "Cry a little more." On the next to the last
sheet the boy found his good father had penned another remark, "Cry like
thunder."


A young preacher, who was staying at a clergy-house, was in the habit of
retiring to his room for an hour or more each day to practice pulpit
oratory. At such times he filled the house with sounds of fervor and
pathos, and emptied it of almost everything else. Phillips Brooks
chanced to be visiting a friend in this house one day when the budding
orator was holding forth.

"Gracious me!" exclaimed the Bishop, starting up in assumed terror,
"pray, what might that be?"

"Sit down, Bishop," his friend replied. "That's only young D----
practising what he preaches."


A distinguished theologian was invited to make an address before a
Sunday-school. The divine spoke for over an hour and his remarks were of
too deep a character for the average juvenile mind to comprehend. At the
conclusion, the superintendent, according to custom, requested some one
in the school to name an appropriate hymn to be sung.

"Sing 'Revive Us Again,'" shouted a boy in the rear of the room.


A clergyman was once sent for in the middle of the night by one of his
woman parishioners.

"Well, my good woman," said he, "so you are ill and require the
consolations of religion? What can I do for you?"

"No," replied the old lady, "I am only nervous and can't sleep!"

"But how can I help that?" said the parson.

"Oh, sir, you always put me to sleep so nicely when I go to church that
I thought if you would only preach a little for me!"


  I never see my rector's eyes;
  He hides their light divine;
  For when he prays, he shuts his own,
  And when he preaches, mine.


A stranger entered the church in the middle of the sermon and seated
himself in the back pew. After a while he began to fidget. Leaning over
to the white-haired man at his side, evidently an old member of the
congregation, he whispered:

"How long has he been preaching?"

"Thirty or forty years, I think," the old man answered.

"I'll stay then," decided the stranger. "He must be nearly done."


Once upon a time there was an Indian named Big Smoke, employed as a
missionary to his fellow Smokes.

A white man encountering Big Smoke, asked him what he did for a living.

"Umph!" said Big Smoke, "me preach."

"That so? What do you get for preaching?"

"Me get ten dollars a year."

"Well," said the white man, "that's damn poor pay."

"Umph!" said Big Smoke, "me damn poor preacher."


_See also_ Clergy.




PRESCRIPTIONS


After a month's work in intensely warm weather a gardener in the suburbs
became ill, and the anxious little wife sent for a doctor, who wrote a
prescription after examining the patient. The doctor, upon departing,
said: "Just let your husband take that and you'll find he will be all
right in a short time."

Next day the doctor called again, and the wife opened the door, her face
beaming with smiles. "Sure, that was a wonderful wee bit of paper you
left yesterday," she exclaimed. "William is better to-day."

"I'm glad to hear that," said the much-pleased medical man.

"Not but what I hadn't a big job to get him to swallow it." she
continued, "but, sure, I just wrapped up the wee bit of paper quite
small and put it in a spoonful of jam and William swallowed it
unbeknownst. By night he was entirely better."




PRESENCE OF MIND


"What did you do when you met the train-robber face to face?"

"I explained that I had been interviewed by the ticket-seller, the
luggage-carriers, the dining-car waiters, and the sleeping-car porters
and borrowed a dollar from him."




PRINTERS


The master of all trades: He beats the farmer with his fast "hoe," the
carpenter with his "rule," and the mason in "setting up tall columns";
and he surpasses the lawyer and the doctor in attending to the "cases,"
and beats the parson in the management of the devil.




PRISONS


A man arrested for stealing chickens was brought to trial. The case was
given to the jury, who brought him in guilty, and the judge sentenced
him to three months' imprisonment. The jailer was a jovial man, fond of
a smile, and feeling particularly good on that particular day,
considered himself insulted when the prisoner looking around the cell
told him it was dirty, and not fit for a hog to be put in. One word
brought on another, till finally the jailer told the prisoner if he did
not behave himself he would put him out. To which the prisoner replied:
"I will give you to understand, sir, I have as good a right here as you
have!"


SHERIFF--"That fellow who just left jail is going to be arrested again
soon."

"How do you know?"

SHERIFF--"He chopped my wood, carried the water, and mended my socks. I
can't get along without him."




PRODIGALS


"Why did the father of the prodigal son fall on his neck and weep?"

"Cos he had ter kill the fatted calf, an' de son wasn't wort' it."




PROFANITY


THE RECTOR--"It's terrible for a man like you to make every other word
an oath."

THE MAN--"Oh, well, I swear a good deal and you pray a good deal, but we
don't neither of us mean nuthin' by it."


FIRST DEAF MUTE--"He wasn't so very angry, was he?"

SECOND DEAF MUTE--"He was so wild that the words he used almost
blistered his fingers."


The little daughter of a clergyman stubbed her toe and said, "Darn!"

"I'll give you ten cents," said father, "if you'll never say that word
again."

A few days afterward she came to him and said: "Papa, I've got a word
worth half a dollar."


Very frequently the winter highways of the Yukon valley are mere trails,
traversed only by dog-sledges. One of the bishops in Alaska, who was
very fond of that mode of travel, encountered a miner coming out with
his dog-team, and stopped to ask him what kind of a road he had come
over.

The miner responded with a stream of forcible and picturesque profanity,
winding up with:

"And what kind o' trail did you have?"

"Same as yours," replied the bishop feelingly.--_Elgin Burroughs_.


  A scrupulous priest of Kildare,
  Used to pay a rude peasant to swear,
    Who would paint the air blue,
    For an hour or two,
  While his reverence wrestled in prayer.


Donald and Jeanie were putting down a carpet. Donald slammed the end of
his thumb with the hammer and began to pour forth his soul in language
befitting the occasion.

"Donald, Donald!" shrieked Jeanie, horrified. "Dinna swear that way!"

"Wummun!" vociferated Donald; "gin ye know ony better way, now is the
time to let me know it!"


"It is not always necessary to make a direct accusation," said the
lawyer who was asking damages because insinuations had been made against
his client's good name. "You may have heard of the woman who called to
the hired girl, 'Mary, Mary. come here and take the parrot
downstairs--the master has dropped his collar button!'"


Little Bartholomew's mother overheard him swearing like a mule-driver.
He displayed a fluency that overwhelmed her. She took him to task,
explaining the wickedness of profanity as well as its vulgarity. She
asked where he had learned all those dreadful words. Bartholomew
announced that Cavert, one of his playmates, had taught him.

Cavert's mother was straightway informed and Cavert was brought to book.
He vigorously denied having instructed Bartholomew, and neither threats
nor tears could make him confess. At last he burst out:

"I didn't tell Bartholomew any cuss words. Why should I know how to cuss
any better than he does? Hasn't his father got an automobile, too?"


They were in Italy together.

"If you would let me curse them black and blue," said the groom, "we
shouldn't have to wait so long for the trunks."

"But, darling, please don't. It would distress me so," murmured the
bride.

The groom went off, but quickly returned with the porters before him
trundling the trunks at a double quick.

"Oh, dearest, how did you do it? You didn't--?"

"Not at all. I thought of something that did quite as well. I said,
'_S-s-s-susquehanna, R-r-r-rappahannock!'"--Cornelia C. Ward_.


A school girl was required to write an essay of two hundred and fifty
words about a motorcar. She submitted the following:

"My uncle bought a motorcar. He was riding in the country when it busted
up a hill. I guess this is about fifty words. The other two hundred are
what my uncle said when he was walking back to town, but they are not
fit for publication."


The ashman was raising a can of ashes above his head to dump the
contents into his cart, when the bottom of the can came out. Ethel saw
it and ran in and told her mother.

"I hope you didn't listen to what he said," the mother remarked.

"He didn't say a word to me," replied the little girl; "he just walked
right off by the side of his cart, talking to God."


A young man entered the jeweler's store and bought a ring, which he
ordered engraved. The jeweler asked what name.

"George Osborne to Harriet Lewis, but I prefer only the initials, G.O.
to H.L."


For it comes to pass oft that a terrible oath, with a swaggering accent
sharply twanged off, gives manhood more approbation than ever proof
itself would have earned him.--_Shakespeare_.




PROHIBITION


"Talking about dry towns, have you ever been in Leavenworth, Kansas?"
asked the commercial traveler in the smoking-car. "No? Well, that's a
dry town for you, all right."

"They can't sell liquor at all there?" asked one of the men.

"Only if you had been bitten by a snake," said the drummer. "They have
only one snake in town, and when I got to it the other day after
standing in line for nearly half a day it was too tired to bite."


It was prohibition country. As soon as the train pulled up, a seedy
little man with a covered basket on his arm hurried to the open windows
of the smoker and exhibited a quart bottle filled with rich, dark fluid.

"Want to buy some nice cold tea?" he asked, with just the suspicion of a
wink.

Two thirsty-looking cattlemen brightened visibly, and each paid a dollar
for a bottle.

"Wait until you get outer the station before you take a drink," the
little man cautioned them. "I don't wanter get in trouble."

He found three other customers before the train pulled out, in each case
repeating his warning.

"You seem to be doing a pretty good business," remarked a man who had
watched it all. "But I don't see why you'd run any more risk of getting
in trouble if they took a drink before the train started."

"Ye don't, hey? Well, what them bottles had in 'em, pardner, was real
cold tea."




PROMOTING


Mr. Harcourt, the Secretary of State for the Colonies, at the British
North Borneo dinner, said that a City friend of his was approached with
a view to floating a rubber company. His friend was quite ready. "How
many trees have you?" he asked. "We have not got any trees," was the
answer. "How much land have you?" "We have no land." "What then have you
got?" "I have a bag of seeds!"


There are many tales about the caution of Russell Sage and the
cleverness with which he outwitted those who sought to get some of his
money from him. Two brilliant promoters went to him one time and
presented a scheme. The financier listened for an hour, and when they
departed they were told that Mr. Sage's decision would be mailed to them
in a few days.

"I think we have got Uncle Russell," said one of the promoters. "I
really believe we have won his confidence."

"I fear not," observed the other doubtfully. "He is too suspicious."

"Suspicious? I didn't observe any sign of it."

"Didn't you notice that he counted his fingers after I had shaken hands
with him and we were coming away?"




PROMOTION


Promotion cometh neither from the east nor the west, but from the
cemetery.--_Edward Sanford Martin_.




PROMPTNESS


"Are you first in anything at school, Earlie?"

"First out of the building when the bell rings."


The head of a large business house bought a number of those "Do it now"
signs and hung them up around his offices. When, after the first few
days of those signs, the business man counted up the results, he found
that the cashier had skipped out with $20,000, the head bookkeeper had
eloped with the stenographer, three clerks had asked for a raise in
salary, and the office boy had lit out for the west to become a
highwayman.


"Are you waiting for me, dear?" she said, coming downstairs at last,
after spending half an hour fixing her hat.

"Waiting," exclaimed the impatient man. "Oh no, not
waiting--sojourning."




PRONUNCIATION


A tale is told of a Kansas minister, a great precisionist in the use of
words, whose exactness sometimes destroyed the force of what he was
saying. On one occasion, in the course of an eloquent prayer, he
pleaded:

"O Lord! waken thy cause in the hearts of this congregation and give
them new eyes to see and new impulse to do. Send down Thy lev-er or
lee-ver, according to Webster's or Worcester's dictionary, whichever
Thou usest, and pry them into activity."


"I'm at the head of my class, pa," said Willie.

"Dear me, son, how did that happen?" cried his father.

"Why, the teacher asked us this morning how to pronounce
C-h-i-h-u-a-h-u-a, and nobody knew," said Willie, "but when she got down
to me I sneezed and she said that was right."


_See also_ Liars.




PROPORTION


A middle-aged colored woman in a Georgia village, hearing a commotion in
a neighbor's cabin, looked in at the door. On the floor lay a small boy
writhing in great distress while his mother bent solicitously over him.

"What-all's de matter wif de chile?" asked the visitor sympathetically.

"I spec's hit's too much watermillion," responded the mother.

"Ho! go 'long wif you," protested the visitor scornfully. "Dey cyan't
never be too much watermillion. Hit mus' be dat dere ain't enough boy."




PROPOSALS


A love-smitten youth who was studying the approved method of proposal
asked one of his bachelor friends if he thought that a young man should
propose to a girl on his knees.

"If he doesn't," replied his friend, "the girl should get off."


A gentleman who had been in Chicago only three days, but who had been
paying attention to a prominent Chicago belle, wanted to propose, but
was afraid he would be thought too hasty. He delicately broached the
subject as follows: "If I were to speak to you of marriage, after having
only made your acquaintance three days ago, what would you say of it?"

"Well, I should say, never put off till tomorrow that which should have
been done the day before yesterday."


  There was a young man from the West,
  Who proposed to the girl he loved best,
   But so closely he pressed her
   To make her say, yes, sir,
  That he broke two cigars in his vest.

  --_The Tobacconist_.


They were dining on fowl in a restaurant. "You see," he explained, as he
showed her the wishbone, "you take hold here. Then we must both make a
wish and pull, and when it breaks the one who has the bigger part of it
will have his or her wish granted." "But I don't know what to wish for,"
she protested. "Oh! you can think of something," he said. "No, I can't,"
she replied; "I can't think of anything I want very much." "Well, I'll
wish for you," he explained. "Will you, really?" she asked. "Yes."
"Well, then there's no use fooling with the old wishbone," she
interrupted with a glad smile, "you can have me."


"Dear May," wrote the young man, "pardon me, but I'm getting so
forgetful. I proposed to you last night, but really forget whether you
said yes or no."

"Dear Will," she replied by note, "so glad to hear from you. I know I
said 'no' to some one last night, but I had forgotten just who it was."


The four Gerton girls were all good-looking; indeed, the three younger
ones were beautiful; while Annie, the oldest, easily made up in
capability and horse sense what she lacked in looks.

A young chap, very eligible, called on the girls frequently, but seemed
unable to decide which to marry. So Annie put on her thinking cap, and,
one evening when the young chap called, she appeared with her pretty
arms bare to the elbow and her hands white with flour.

"Oh, you must excuse my appearance," she said. "I have been working in
the kitchen all day. I baked bread and pies and cake this morning, and
afterward, as the cook was ill, I prepared dinner."

"Miss Annie, is that so?" said the young man. He looked at her, deeply
impressed. Then, after a moment's thought, he said:

"Miss Annie, there is a question I wish to ask you, and on your answer
will depend much of my life's happiness."

"Yes?" she said, with a blush, and she drew a little nearer. "Yes? What
is it?"

"Miss Annie," said the young man, in deep earnest tones, "I am thinking
of proposing to your sister Kate--will you make your home with us?"


It was at Christmas, and he had been calling on her twice a week for six
months, but had not proposed.

"Ethel," he said, "I--er--am going to ask you an important question."

"Oh, George," she exclaimed, "this is so sudden! Why, I--"

"No, excuse me," he interrupted; "what I want to ask is this: What date
have you and your mother decided upon for our wedding?"


A Scotch beadle led the maiden of his choice to a churchyard and,
pointing to the various headstones, said:

"My folks are all buried there, Jennie. Wad ye like to be buried there
too?"


IMPECUNIOUS LOVER--"Be mine, Amanda, and you will be treated like an
angel."

WEALTHY MAIDEN--"Yes, I suppose so. Nothing to eat, and less to wear.
No, thank you."


The surest way to hit a woman's heart is to take aim kneeling.--_Douglas
Jerrold_.




PROPRIETY


  There was a young lady of Wilts,
  Who walked up to Scotland on stilts;
    When they said it was shocking
    To show so much stocking,
  She answered: "Then what about kilts?"

  --_Gilbert K. Chesterton_.




PROSPERITY


  May bad fortune follow you all your days
  And never catch up with you.




PROTESTANT EPISCOPAL CHURCH

One of our popular New England lecturers tells this amusing
story.

A street boy of diminutive stature was trying to sell some
very young kittens to passers-by. One day he accosted the
late Reverend Phillips Brooks, asking him to purchase, and
recommending them as good Episcopal kittens. Dr. Brooks
laughingly refused, thinking them too small to be taken from
their mother. A few days later a Presbyterian minister who
had witnessed this episode was asked by the same boy to buy the
same kittens. This time the lad announced that they were faithful
Presbyterians.

"Didn't you tell Dr. Brooks last week that they were Episcopal
kittens?" the minister asked sternly.

"Yes sir," replied the boy quickly, "but they's had their eyes
opened since then, sir."


An Episcopal clergyman who was passing his vacation in
a remote country district met an old farmer who declared that
he was a "'Piscopal."

"To what parish do you belong?" asked the clergyman.

"Don't know nawthin' 'bout enny parish," was the answer.

"Who confirmed you, then?" was the next question.

"Nobody," answered the farmer.

"Then how are you an Episcopalian?" asked the clergyman.

"Well," was the reply, "you see it's this way: Last winter
I went to church, an' it was called 'Piscopal, an' I heerd them
say that they left undone the things what they'd oughter done
and they'd done some things what they oughtenter done, and I
says to myself says I: 'That's my fix exac'ly,' and ever sence
then I've been a 'Piscopalian."




PROTESTANTS


A Protestant mission meeting had been held in an Irish town and this
was the gardener's contribution to the controversy that ensued:
"Pratestants!" he said with lofty scorn, "'Twas mighty little St. Paul
thought of the Pratestants. You've all heard tell of the 'pistle he
wrote to the Romans, but I'd ax ye this, did any of yez iver hear of
his writing a 'pistle to the Pratestants?"




PROVIDENCE


"Why did papa have appendicitis and have to pay the doctor a thousand
dollars, Mama?"

"It was God's will, dear."

"And was it because God was mad at papa or pleased with the
doctor?"--_Life_.


There's a certain minister whose duties sometimes call him out of the
city. He has always arranged for some one of his parishioners to keep
company with his wife and little daughter during these absences.
Recently, however, he was called away so suddenly that he had no
opportunity of providing a guardian.

The wife was very brave during the early evening, but after dark had
fallen her courage began to fail. She stayed up with her little girl
till there was no excuse for staying any longer and then took her
upstairs to bed.

"Now go to sleep, Dearie," she said. "Don't be afraid. God will
protect you."

"Yes, Mother," answered the little girl, "that'll be all right
tonight, but next time let's make better arrangements."




PROVINCIALISM


Some time ago an English friend of Colonel W.J. Lampton's living in
New York and having never visited the South, went to Virginia to spend
a month with friends. After a fortnight of it, he wrote back:

"Oh, I say, old top, you never told me that the South was anything
like I have found it, and so different to the North. Why, man, it's
God's country."

The Colonel, who gets his title from Kentucky, answered promptly by
postal.

"Of course it is," he wrote. "You didn't suppose God was a Yankee, did
you?"


A southerner, with the intense love for his own district, attended a
banquet. The next day a friend asked him who was present. With a
reminiscent smile he replied: "An elegant gentleman from Virginia, a
gentleman from Kentucky, a man from Ohio, a bounder from Chicago, a
fellow from New York, and a galoot from Maine."

They had driven fourteen miles to the lake, and then rowed six miles
across the lake to get to the railroad station, when the Chicago man
asked:

"How in the world do you get your mail and newspapers here in the
winter when the storms are on?"

"Wa-al, we don't sometimes. I've seen this lake thick up so that it
was three weeks before we got a Chicago paper," answered the man from
"nowhere."

"Well, you were cut off," said the Chicago man.

"Ya-as, we were so," was the reply. "Still, the Chicago folks were
just as badly off."

"How so?"

"Wa-al," drawled the man, "we didn't know what was going on in
Chicago, of course. But then, neither did Chicago folks know what was
going on down here."




PUBLIC SERVICE CORPORATIONS


The attorney demanded to know how many secret societies the witness
belonged to, whereupon the witness objected and appealed to the court.

"The court sees no harm in the question," answered the judge. "You may
answer."

"Well, I belong to three."

"What are they?"

"The Knights of Pythias, the Odd Fellows, and the gas company."


"Yes, he had some rare trouble with his eyes," said the celebrated
oculist. "Every time he went to read he would read double."

"Poor fellow," remarked the sympathetic person. "I suppose that
interfered with his holding a good position?"

"Not at all. The gas company gobbled him up and gave him a lucrative
job reading gas-meters."




PUBLIC SPEAKERS


ORATOR--"I thought your paper was friendly to me?"

EDITOR--"So it is. What's the matter?"

ORATOR--"I made a speech at the dinner last night, and you didn't
print a line of it."

EDITOR--"Well, what further proof do you want?"


TRAVELING LECTURER FOR SOCIETY (to the remaining listener)--"I should
like to thank you, sir, for so attentively hearing me to the end of a
rather too long speech."

LOCAL MEMBER OF SOCIETY--"Not at all, sir. I'm the second speaker."


Ex-senator Spooner of Wisconsin says the best speech of introduction
he ever heard was delivered by the German mayor of a small town in
Wisconsin, where Spooner had been engaged to speak.

The mayor said:

"Ladies und shentlemens, I haf been asked to indrotoose you to the
Honorable Senator Spooner, who vill make to you a speech, yes. I haf
now done so; he vill now do so."


"When I arose to speak," related a martyred statesman, "some one
hurled a base, cowardly egg at me and it struck me in the chest."

"And what kind of an egg might that be?" asked a fresh young man.

"A base, cowardly egg," explained the statesman, "is one that hits you
and then runs."


"Uncle Joe" Cannon has a way of speaking his mind that is sometimes
embarrassing to others. On one occasion an inexperienced young fellow
was called upon to make a speech at a banquet at which ex-speaker
Cannon was also present.

"Gentlemen," began the young fellow, "my opinion is that the
generality of mankind in general is disposed to take advantage of the
generality of--"

"Sit down, son," interrupted "Uncle Joe." "You are coming out of the
same hole you went in at."


A South African tribe has an effective method of dealing with bores,
which might be adopted by Western peoples. This simple tribe considers
long speeches injurious to the orator and his hearers; so to protect
both there is an unwritten law that every public orator must stand on
only one leg when he is addressing an audience. As soon as he has to
place the other leg on the ground his oration is brought to a close,
by main force, if necessary.


A rather turgid orator, noted for his verbosity and heaviness, was
once assigned to do some campaigning in a mining camp in the
mountains. There were about fifty miners present when he began; but
when, at the end of a couple of hours, he gave no sign of finishing,
his listeners dropped away.

Some went back to work, but the majority sought places to quench their
thirst, which had been aggravated by the dryness of the discourse.

Finally there was only one auditor left, a dilapidated, weary-looking
old fellow. Fixing his gaze on him, the orator pulled out a large
six-shooter and laid it on the table. The old fellow rose slowly and
drawled out:

"Be you going to shoot if I go?"

"You bet I am," replied the speaker. "I'm bound to finish my speech,
even if I have to shoot to keep an audience."

The old fellow sighed in a tired manner, and edged slowly away, saying
as he did so:

"Well, shoot if you want to. I may jest as well be shot as talked to
death."


The self-made millionaire who had endowed the school had been invited
to make the opening speech at the commencement exercises. He had not
often had a chance of speaking before the public and he was resolved
to make the most of it. He dragged his address out most tiresomely,
repeating the same thought over and over. Unable to stand it any
longer a couple of boys in the rear of the room slipped out. A
coachman who was waiting outside asked them if the millionaire had
finished his speech.

"Gee, yes!" replied the boys, "but he won't stop."


Mark Twain once told this story:

"Some years ago in Hartford, we all went to church one hot, sweltering
night to hear the annual report of Mr. Hawley, a city missionary who
went around finding people who needed help and didn't want to ask for
it. He told of the life in cellars, where poverty resided; he gave
instances of the heroism and devotion of the poor. When a man with
millions gives, he said, we make a great deal of noise. It's a noise
in the wrong place, for it's the widow's mite that counts. Well,
Hawley worked me up to a great pitch. I could hardly wait for him to
get through. I had $400 in my pocket. I wanted to give that and borrow
more to give. You could see greenbacks in every eye. But instead of
passing the plate then, he kept on talking and talking and talking,
and as he talked it grew hotter and hotter and hotter, and we grew
sleepier and sleepier and sleepier. My enthusiasm went down, down,
down, down--$100 at a clip--until finally, when the plate did come
around, I stole ten cents out of it. It all goes to show how a little
thing like this can lead to crime."


_See also_ After dinner speeches; Candidates; Politicians.




PUNISHMENT


A parent who evidently disapproved of corporal punishment wrote the
teacher:

    "Dear Miss: Don't hit our Johnnie. We never do it at home
    except in self-defense."


"No, sirree!" ejaculated Bunkerton. "There wasn't any of that nonsense
in my family. My father never thrashed me in all his life."

"Too bad, too bad," sighed Hickenlooper. "Another wreck due to a
misplaced switch."


James the Second, when Duke of York, made a visit to Milton, the poet,
and asked him among other things, if he did not think the loss of his
sight a judgment upon him for what he had writen against his father,
Charles the First. Milton answered: "If your Highness think my loss of
sight a _judgment_ upon me, what do you think of your father's losing
his head."--_Life_.


A white man during reconstruction times was arraigned before a colored
justice of the peace for killing a man and stealing his mule. It was
in Arkansas, near the Texas border, and there was some rivalry between
the states, but the colored justice tried to preserve an impartial
frame of mind.

"We's got two kinds ob law in dis yer co't," he said: "Texas law an'
Arkansas law. Which will you hab?"

The prisoner thought a minute and then guessed that he would take the
Arkansas law.

"Den I discharge you fo' stealin' de mule, an' hang you fo' killin' de
man."

"Hold on a minute, Judge," said the prisoner. "Better make that Texas
law."

"All right. Den I fin' you fo' killin' de man, an' hang you fo'
stealin' de mule."


A lawyer was defending a man accused of housebreaking, and said to the
court:

"Your Honor, I submit that my client did not break into the house at
all. He found the parlor window open and merely inserted his right arm
and removed a few trifling articles. Now, my client's arm is not
himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for
an offense committed by only one of his limbs."

"That argument," said the judge, "is very well put. Following it
logically, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment.
He can accompany it or not, as he chooses."

The defendant smiled, and with his lawyer's assistance unscrewed his
cork arm, and, leaving it in the dock, walked out.


Muriel, a five-year-old subject of King George, has been thought by
her parents too young to feel the weight of the rod, and has been
ruled by moral suasion alone. But when, the other day, she achieved
disobedience three times in five minutes, more vigorous measures were
called for, and her mother took an ivory paper-knife from the table
and struck her smartly across her little bare legs. Muriel looked
astounded. Her mother explained the reason for the blow. Muriel
thought deeply for a moment. Then, turning toward the door with a
grave and disapproving countenance, she announced in her clear little
English voice:

"I'm going up-stairs to tell God about that paper-knife. And then I
shall tell Jesus. And if _that_ doesn't do, I shall put flannel on my
legs!"


During the reconstruction days of Virginia, a negro was convicted of
murdering his wife and sentenced to be hanged. On the morning of the
execution he mounted the scaffold with reasonable calmness. Just
before the noose was to be placed around his neck the sheriff asked
him if he had anything to say. He studied a moment and said:

"No, suh, boss, thankee, suh, 'ceptin' dis is sho gwine to be a lesson
to me."


"What punishment did that defaulting banker get?" "I understand his
lawyer charged him $40,000."


An Indian in Washington County once sized up Maine's game laws thus:
"Kill cow moose, pay $100; kill man, too bad!"


TEACHER--"Willie, did your father cane you for what you did in school
yesterday?"

PUPIL--"No, ma'am; he said the licking would hurt him more than it
would me."

TEACHER--"What rot! Your father is too sympathetic."

PUPIL--"No, ma'am; but he's got the rheumatism in both arms."


"Boohoo! Boohoo!" wailed little Johnny.

"Why, what's the matter, dear?" his mother asked comfortingly.

"Boohoo--er--p-picture fell on papa's toes."

"Well, dear, that's too bad, but you mustn't cry about it, you know."

"I d-d-didn't. I laughed. Boohoo! Boohoo!"


The fact that corporal punishment is discouraged in the public schools
of Chicago is what led Bobby's teacher to address this note to the
boy's mother:

    DEAR MADAM:--I regret very much to have to tell you that your
    son, Robert, idles away his time, is disobedient, quarrelsome,
    and disturbs the pupils who are trying to study their lessons.
    He needs a good whipping and I strongly recommend that you
    give him one.

    Yours truly,

    Miss Blank.

To this Bobby's mother responded as follows:

    Dear Miss Blanks--Lick him yourself. I ain't mad at him.

    Yours truly,

    Mrs. Dash.


A little fellow who was being subjected to a whipping pinched his
father under the knee. "Willie, you bad boy! How dare you do that?"
asked the parent wrathfully.

A pause. Then Willie answered between sobs: "Well, Father, who started
this war, anyway?"


A little girl about three years old was sent upstairs and told to sit
on a certain chair that was in the corner of her room, as a punishment
for something she had done but a few minutes before.

Soon the silence was broken by the little one's question: "Mother, may
I come down now?"

"No, you sit right where you are."

"All right, 'cause I'm sittin' on your best hat."


It is less to suffer punishment than to deserve it.--_Ovid_.


If Jupiter hurled his thunderbolt as often as men sinned, he would
soon be out of thunderbolts.--_Ovid_.


_See also_ Church discipline; Future life; Marriage.




PUNS


  A father once said to his son,
  "The next time you make up a pun,
    Go out in the yard
    And kick yourself hard,
  And I will begin when you've done."




PURE FOOD


Into a general store of a town in Arkansas there recently came a darky
complaining that a ham which he had purchased there was not good.

"The ham is all right, Zeph," insisted the storekeeper.

"No, it ain't, boss," insisted the negro. "Dat ham's shore bad."

"How can that be," continued the storekeeper, "when it was cured only a
week?"

The darky scratched his head reflectively, and finally suggested: "Den,
mebbe it's had a relapse."


On a recent trip to Germany, Doctor Harvey Wiley, the pure-food expert,
heard an allegory with reference to the subject of food adulteration
which, he contends, should cause Americans to congratulate themselves
that things are so well ordered in this respect in the United States.

The German allegory was substantially as follows:

Four flies, which had made their way into a certain pantry, determined
to have a feast.

One flew to the sugar and ate heartily; but soon died, for the sugar was
full of white lead.

The second chose the flour as his diet, but he fared no better, for the
flour was loaded with plaster of Paris.

The third sampled the syrup, but his six legs were presently raised in
the air, for the syrup was colored with aniline dyes.

The fourth fly, seeing all his friends dead, determined to end his life
also, and drank deeply of the fly-poison which he found in a convenient
saucer.

He is still alive and in good health. That, too, was adulterated.




QUARRELS


"But why did you leave your last place?" the lady asked of the would-be
cook.

"To tell the truth, mum, I just couldn't stand the way the master an'
the missus used to quarrel, mum."

"Dear me! Do you mean to say that they actually used to quarrel?"

"Yis, mum, all the time. When it wasn't me an' him, it was me an' her."


"I hear ye had words with Casey."

"We had no words."

"Then nothing passed between ye?"

"Nothing but one brick."


There had been a wordy falling-out between Mrs. Halloran and Mrs.
Donohue; there had been words; nay, more, there had been language. Mrs.
Halloran had gone to church early in the morning, had fulfilled the
duties of her religion, and was returning primly home, when Mrs. Donohue
spied her, and, still smouldering with volcanic fire, sent a broadside
of lava at Mrs. Halloran. The latter heard, flushed, opened her
lips--and then suddenly checked herself. After a moment she spoke: "Mrs.
Donohue, I've just been to church, and I'm in a state of grace. But,
plaze Hivin, the next time I meet yez, I won't be, and thin I'll till
yez what I think of yez!"


A quarrel is quickly settled when deserted by one party: there is no
battle unless there be two.--_Seneca_.


_See also_ Marriage; Servants




QUESTIONS


The more questions a woman asks the fewer answers she
remembers.--_Wasp_.


It was a very hot day and the fat drummer who wanted the twelve-twenty
train got through the gate at just twelve-twenty-one. The ensuing
handicap was watched with absorbed interest both from the train and the
station platform. At its conclusion the breathless and perspiring knight
of the road wearily took the back trail, and a vacant-faced "red-cap"
came out to relieve him of his grip.

"Mister," he inquired, "was you tryin' to ketch that Pennsylvania
train?"

"No, my son," replied the patient man. "No; I was merely chasing it out
of the yard."


A party of young men were camping, and to avert annoying questions they
made it a rule that the one who asked a question that he could not
answer himself had to do the cooking.

One evening, while sitting around the fire, one of the boys asked: "Why
is it that a ground-squirrel never leaves any dirt at the mouth of its
burrow?"

They all guessed and missed. So he was asked to answer it himself.

"Why," he said, "because it always begins to dig at the other end of the
hole."

"But," one asked, "how does it get to the other end of the hole?"

"Well," was the reply, "that's your question."


A browbeating lawyer was demanding that a witness answer a certain
question either in the negative or affirmative.

"I cannot do it," said the witness. "There are some questions that
cannot be answered by a 'yes' or a 'no,' as any one knows."

"I defy you to give an example to the court," thundered the lawyer.

The retort came like a flash: "Are you still beating your wife?"


Officers have a right to ask questions in the performance of their duty,
but there are occasions when it seems as if they might curtail or forego
the privilege. Not long ago an Irishman whose hand had been badly
mangled in an accident entered the Boston City Hospital relief station
in a great hurry. He stepped up to the man in charge and inquired:

"Is this the relief station, sor?"

"Yes. What is your name?"

"Patrick O'Connor, sor."

"Are you married?" questioned the officer.

"Yis, sor, but is this the relief station?" He was nursing his hand in
agony.

"Of course it is. How many children have you?"

"Eight, sor. But sure, this is the relief station?"

"Yes, it is," replied the officer, a little angry at the man's
persistence.

"Well," said Patrick, "sure, an' I was beginning to think that it might
be the pumping station."


  The sages say, Dame Truth delights to dwell
  (Strange Mansion!) in the bottom of a well:
  Questions are then the Windlass and the rope
  That pull the grave old Gentlewoman up.

  --_John Wolcott_.


_See also_ Curiosity.




QUOTATIONS


Stanley Jordan, the well-known Episcopal minister, having cause to be
anxious about his son's college examinations, told him to telegraph the
result. The boy sent the following message to his parent: "Hymn 342,
fifth verse, last two lines."

Looking it up the father found the words: "Sorrow vanquished, labor
ended, Jordan passed."




RACE PREJUDICES


A negro preacher in a southern town was edified on one occasion by the
recital of a dream had by a member of the church.

"I was a-dreamin' all dis time," said the narrator, "dat I was in ole
Satan's dominions. I tell you, pahson, dat was shore a bad dream!"

"Was dere any white men dere?" asked the dusky divine.

"Shore dere was--plenty of 'em," the other hastened to assure his
minister "What was dey a-doin'?"

"Ebery one of 'em," was the answer, "was a-holdin' a cullud pusson
between him an' de fire!"




RACE PRIDE


Sam Jones, the evangelist, was leading a revival meeting in Huntsville,
Texas, a number of years ago, and at the close of one of the services an
old negro woman pushed her way up through the crowd to the edge of the
pulpit platform. Sam took the perspiring black hand that was held out to
him, and heard the old woman say: "Brudder Jones, you sho' is a fine
preacher! Yes, suh; de Lord bless you. You's des everybody's preacher.
You's de white folks' preacher, and de niggers' preacher, and
everybody's preacher. Brudder Jones, yo' skin's white, but, thank de
Lord, yo' heart's des as black as any nigger's!"


An Irishman and a Jew were discussing the great men who had belonged to
each race and, as may be expected, got into a heated argument. Finally
the Irishman said:

"Ikey, listen. For ivery great Jew ye can name ye may pull out one of me
whiskers, an' for ivery great Irishman I can name I'll pull one of
yours. Is it a go?"

They consented, and Pat reached over, got hold of a whisker, said,
"Robert Emmet,' and pulled.

"Moses!" said the Jew, and pulled one of Pat's tenderest.

"Dan O'Connell," said Pat and took another.

"Abraham," said Ikey, helping himself again.

"Patrick Henry," returned Pat with a vicious yank.

"The Twelve Apostles," said the Jew, taking a handful of whiskers.

Pat emitted a roar of pain, grasped the Jew's beard with both hands, and
yelled, "The ancient Order of Hibernians!"




RACE SUICIDE


"Prisoner, why did you assault this landlord?"

"Your Honor, because I have several children he refused to rent me a
flat."

"Well, that is his privilege."

"But, your Honor, he calls his apartment house 'The Roosevelt.'"




RACES


In answer to the question, "What are the five great races of mankind?" a
Chinese student replied, "The 100 yards, the hurdles, the quartermile,
the mile, and the three miles."


"Now, Thomas," said the foreman of the construction gang to a green hand
who had just been put on the job, "keep your eyes open. When you see a
train coming throw down your tools and jump off the track. Run like
blazes."

"Sure!" said Thomas, and began to swing his pick. In a few moments the
Empire State Express came whirling along. Thomas threw down his pick and
started up the track ahead of the train as fast as he could run. The
train overtook him and tossed him into a ditch. Badly shaken up he was
taken to the hospital, where the foreman visited him.

"You blithering idiot," said the foreman, "didn't I tell you to get out
of the road? Didn't I tell you to take care and get out of the way? Why
didn't you run up the side of the hill?"

"Up the soide of the hill is it, sor?" said Thomas through the bandages
on his face. "Up the soide of the hill? Be the powers, I couldn't bate
it on the level, let alone runnin' uphill!"




RAILROADS


"Talk 'bout railroads bein' a blessin'," said Brother Dickey, "des look
at de loads an' loads er watermelons deys haulin' out de state, ter dem
folks 'way up North what never done nuthin' ter deserve sich a
dispensation!"


On one of the southern railroads there is a station-building that is
commonly known by travelers as the smallest railroad station in America.
It is of this station that the story is told that an old farmer was
expecting a chicken-house to arrive there, and he sent one of his hands,
a new-comer, to fetch it. Arriving there the man saw the house, loaded
it on to his wagon and started for home. On the way he met a man in
uniform with the words "Station Agent" on his cap.

"Say, hold on. What have you got on that wagon?" he asked.

"My chicken-house, of course," was the reply.

"Chicken-house be jiggered!" exploded the official. "That's the
station!"


"I read of the terrible vengeance inflicted upon one of their members by
a band of robbers in Mississippi last week."

"What did they do? Shoot him?"

"No; they tied him upon the railroad tracks."

"Awful! And he was ground to pieces, I suppose?"

"Nothing like it. The poor fellow starved to death waiting for the next
train."--_W. Dayton Wegefarth_.


The reporter who had accompanied the special train to the scene of the
wreck, hurried down the embankment and found a man who had one arm in a
sling, a bandage over one eye, his front teeth gone, and his nose
knocked four points to starboard, sitting on a piece of the locomotive
and surveying the horrible ruin all about him.

"Can you give me some particulars of this accident?" asked the reporter,
taking out his notebook.

"I haven't heard of any accident, young man," replied the disfigured
party stiffly.

He was one of the directors of the railroad.


The Hon. John Sharp Williams had an engagement to speak in a small
southern town. The train he was traveling on was not of the swiftest,
and he lost no opportunity of keeping the conductor informed as to his
opinions of that particular road.

"Well, if yer don't like it," the conductor finally blurted out, "why in
thunder don't yer git out an' walk?"

"I would," Mr. Williams blandly replied, "but you see the committee
doesn't expect me until this train gets in."


"We were bounding along," said a recent traveler on a local South
African single-line railway, "at the rate of about seven miles an hour,
and the whole train was shaking terribly. I expected every moment to see
my bones protruding through my skin. Passengers were rolling from one
end of the car to the other. I held on firmly to the arms of the seat.
Presently we settled down a bit quieter; at least, I could keep my hat
on, and my teeth didn't chatter.

"There was a quiet looking man opposite me. I looked up with a ghastly
smile, wishing to appear cheerful, and said:

"'We are going a bit smoother, I see.'

"'Yes,' he said, 'we're off the track now.'"


Three men were talking in rather a large way as to the excellent train
service each had in his special locality: one was from the west, one
from New England, and the other from New York. The former two had told
of marvelous doings of trains, and it is distinctly "up" to the man from
New York.

"Now in New York," he said, "we not only run our trains fast, but we
also start them fast. I remember the case of a friend of mine whose wife
went to see him off for the west on the Pennsylvania at Jersey City. As
the train was about to start my friend said his final good-by to his
wife, and leaned down from the car platform to kiss her. The train
started, and, would you believe it, my friend found himself kissing a
strange woman on the platform at Trenton!"

And the other men gave it up.


"Say, young man," asked an old lady at the ticket-office, "what time
does the next train pull in here and how long does it stay?"

"From two to two to two-two," was the curt reply.

"Well, I declare! Be you the whistle?"


An express on the Long Island Railroad was tearing away at a wild and
awe-inspiring rate of six miles an hour, when all of a sudden it stopped
altogether. Most of the passengers did not notice the difference; but
one of them happened to be somewhat anxious to reach his destination
before old age claimed him for its own. He put his head through the
window to find that the cause of the stop was a cow on the track. After
a while they continued the journey for half an hour or so, and
then--another stop.

"What's wrong now?" asked the impatient passenger of the conductor.

"A cow on the track."

"But I thought you drove it off."

"So we did," said the conductor, "but we caught up with it again."


The president of one great southern railway pulled into a southern city
in his private car. It was also the terminal of a competing road, and
the private car of the president of the other line was on a side track.
There was great rivalry between these two lines, which extended from the
president of each down to the most humble employe. In the evening the
colored cook from one of the cars wandered over to pass the time of day
with the cook on the other car.

One of these roads had recently had an appalling list of accidents, and
the death-toll was exceptionally high. The cook from this road sauntered
up to the back platform of the private car, and after an interchange of
courtesies said:

"Well, how am youh ole jerkwatah railroad these days? Am you habbing
prosper's times?"

"Man," said the other, "we-all am so prosperous that if we was any moah
prosperous we just naturally couldn't stand hit."

"Hough!" said the other, "we-all am moah prosperous than you-all."

"Man," said the other, "we dun carry moah'n a million passengers last
month."

"Foah de Lord's sake!" ejaculated the first negro. "You-all carried
moah'n a million passengers? Go on with you, nigger; we dun kill moah
passengers than you carry."


It was on a little branch railway in a southern state that the New
England woman ventured to refer to the high rates.

"It seems to me five cents a mile is extortion," she said, with
frankness, to her southern cousin.

"It's a big lot of money to pay if you think of it by the mile," said
the southerner, in her soft drawl; "but you just think how cheap it is
by the hour, Cousin Annie--only about thirty-five cents."--_Youth's
Companion_.




RAPID TRANSIT


One cold, wintry morning a man of tall and angular build was walking
down a steep hill at a quick pace. A treacherous piece of ice under the
snow caused him to lose control of his feet; he began to slide and was
unable to stop.

At a cross-street half-way down the decline he encountered a large,
heavy woman, with her arms full of bundles. The meeting was sudden, and
before either realized it a collision ensued and both were sliding down
hill, a grand ensemble--the thin man underneath, the fat woman and
bundles on top. When the bottom was reached and the woman was trying in
vain to recover her breath and her feet, these faint words were borne to
her ear:

"Pardon me, madam, but you will have to get off here. This is as far as
I go."




READING


_See_ Books and Reading.




REAL ESTATE AGENTS


Little Nelly told little Anita what she termed a "little fib."

ANITA--"A fib is the same as a story, and a story is the same as a lie."

NELLY--"No, it is not."

ANITA--"Yes, it is, because my father said so, and my father is a
professor at the university."

NELLY--"I don't care if he is. My father is a real estate man, and he
knows more about lying than your father does."




REALISM


The storekeeper at Yount, Idaho, tells the following tale of Ole Olson,
who later became the little town's mayor.

"One night, just before closin' up time, Ole, hatless, coatless, and
breathless, come rushin' into the store, an' droppin' on his knees
yelled, 'Yon, Yon, hide me, hide me! Ye sheriff's after me!'

"'I've no place to hide you here, Ole,' said I.

"'You moost, you moost!' screamed Ole.

"'Crawl into that gunny-sack then,' said I.

"He'd no more'n gotten hid when in runs the sheriff.

"'Seen Ole?' said he.

"'Don't see him here,' said I, without lyin'.

"Then the sheriff went a-nosin' round an' pretty soon he spotted the
gunny-sack over in the corner.

"'What's in here?' said he.

"'Oh, just some old harness and sleigh-bells,' said I.

"With that he gives it an awful boot.

"'Yingle, yingle, yingle!' moaned Ole."


MOTHER--"Tommy, if you're pretending to be an automobile, I wish you'd
run over to the store and get me some butter."

TOMMY--"I'm awful sorry, Mother, but I'm all out of gasoline."--_Judge_.


"Children," said the teacher, instructing the class in composition, "you
should not attempt any flights of fancy; simply be yourselves and write
what is in you. Do not imitate any other person's writings or draw
inspiration from outside sources."

As a result of this advice Tommy Wise turned out the following
composition: "We should not attempt any flights of fancy, but write what
is in us. In me there is my stummick, lungs, hart, liver, two apples,
one piece of pie, one stick of lemon candy and my dinner."


"A great deal of fun has been poked at the realistic school of art,"
says a New York artist, "and it must be confessed that some ground has
been given to the enemy. Why, there recently came to my notice a
picture of an Assyrian bath, done by a Chicago man, and so careful was
he of all the details that the towels hanging up were all marked
'Nebuchadnezzar' in the corner, in cuneiform characters."




RECALL


SUNDAY SCHOOL TEACHER--"Johnny, what is the text from Judges?"

JOHNNY-"I don't believe in recalling the judiciary, mum."


"Senator, why don't you unpack your trunk? You'll be in Washington for
six years."

"I don't know about that. My state has the recall."




RECOMMENDATIONS


A firm of shady outside London brokers was prosecuted for swindling. In
acquitting them the court, with great severity, said:

"There is not sufficient evidence to convict you, but if anyone wishes
to know my opinion of you I hope that they will refer to me."

Next day the firm's advertisement appeared in every available medium
with the following, well displayed: "Reference as to probity, by special
permission, the Lord Chief Justice of England."


MISTRESS--"Have you a reference?"

BRIDGET--"Foine; Oi held the poker over her till Oi got it."


There is a story of a Scotch gentleman who had to dismiss his gardener
for dishonesty. For the sake of the man's wife and family, however, he
gave him a "character," and framed it in this way: "I hereby certify
that A. B. has been my gardener for over two years, and that during that
time he got more out of the garden than any man I ever employed."


The buxom maid had been hinting that she did not think much of working
out, and this in conjunction with the nightly appearance of a rather
sheepish young man caused her mistress much apprehension.

"Martha, is it possible that you are thinking of getting married?"

"Yes'm," admitted Martha, blushing.

"Not that young fellow who has been calling on you lately?"

"Yes'm he's the one."

"But you have only known him a few days."

"Three weeks come Thursday," corrected Martha.

"Do you think that is long enough to know a man before taking such an
important step?"

"Well," answered Martha with spirit, "'tain't 's if he was some new
feller. He's well recommended; a perfectly lovely girl I know was
engaged to him for a long while."


An Englishman and an Irishman went to the captain of a ship bound for
America and asked permission to work their passage over. The captain
consented, but asked the Irishman for references and let the Englishman
go on without them. This made the Irishman angry and he planned to get
even.

One day when they were washing off the deck, the Englishman leaned far
over the rail, dropped the bucket, and was just about to haul it up when
a huge wave came and pulled him overboard. The Irishman stopped
scrubbing, went over to the rail and, seeing the Englishman had
disappeared, went to the Captain and said: "Perhaps yez remember whin I
shipped aboard this vessel ye asked me for riferences and let the
Englishman come on widout thim?"

The Captain said: "Yes, I remember."

"Well, ye've been decaved," said the Irishman; "he's gone off wid yer
pail!"




RECONCILIATIONS


"Yes, I quarreled with my wife about nothing."

"Why don't you make up?"

"I'm going to. All I'm worried about now is the indemnity."




REFORMERS


LOUISE--"The man that Edith married is a reformer."

JULIA--"How did he lose his money?"--_Judge_.


He was earnestly but prosily orating at the audience. "I want land
reform," he wound up, "I want housing reform, I want educational reform,
I want--"

And said a bored voice in the audience: "Chloroform."


The young woman sat before her glass and gazed long and earnestly at the
reflection there. She screwed up her face in many ways. She fluffed her
hair and then smoothed it down again; she raised her eyes and lowered
them; she showed her teeth and she pressed her lips tightly together. At
last she got up, with a weary sigh, and said:

"It's no use. I'll be some kind of reformer."




REGRETS


A Newport man who was invited to a house party at Bar Harbor,
telegraphed to the hostess: "Regret I can't come. Lie follows by post."


After the death of Lord Houghton, there was found in his correspondence
the following reply to a dinner invitation: "Mrs. ---- presents her
compliments to Lord Houghton. Her husband died on Tuesday, otherwise he
would have been delighted to dine with Lord Houghton on Thursday next."


A young woman prominent in the social set of an Ohio town tells of a
young man there who had not familiarized himself with the forms of
polite correspondence to the fullest extent. When, on one occasion, he
found it necessary to decline an invitation, he did so in the following
terms:

"Mr. Henry Blank declines with pleasure Mrs. Wood's invitation for the
nineteenth, and thanks her extremely for having given him the
opportunity of doing so."




REHEARSALS


The funeral procession was moving along the village street when Uncle
Abe stepped out of a store. He hadn't heard the news. "Sho," said Uncle
Abe, "who they buryin' today?"

"Pore old Tite Harrison," said the storekeeper.

"Sho," said Uncle Abe. "Tite Harrison, hey? Is Tite dead?"

"You don't think we're rehearsin' with him, do you?" snapped the
storekeeper.




RELATIVES


"It is hard, indeed," said the melancholy gentleman, "to lose one's
relatives."

"Hard?" snorted the gentleman of wealth. "Hard? It is impossible!"




RELIGIONS


When Bishop Phillips Brooks sailed from America on his last trip to
Europe, a friend jokingly remarked that while abroad he might discover
some new religion to bring home with him. "But be careful of it, Bishop
Brooks," remarked a listening friend; "it may be difficult to get your
new religion through the Custom House."

"I guess not," replied the Bishop, laughingly, "for we may take it for
granted that any new religion popular enough to import will have no
duties attached to it."


At a recent conference of Baptists, Methodists, and English Friends, in
the city of Chengtu, China, two Chinamen were heard discussing the three
denominations. One of them said to the other:

"They say these denominations have different beliefs. Just what is the
difference between them?"

"Oh," said the other, "Not much! Big washee, little washee, no washee,
that is all."


A recent book on Russia relates the story of the anger of the Apostle
John because a certain peasant burned no tapers to his ikon, but
honored, instead, the ikon of Apostle Peter in St. John's own church.
The two apostles talked it over as they walked the fields near Kieff,
and Apostle John decided to send a terrible storm to destroy the just
ripe corn of the peasant. His decision was carried out, and the next day
he met Apostle Peter and boasted of his punishing wrath.

And Apostle Peter only laughed. "Ai, yi, yi, Apostle John," he said,
"what a mess you've made of it. I stepped around, saw my friend, and
told him what you were going to do, so he sold his corn to the priest of
your church."


The priest of a New York parish met one of his parishioners, who had
long been out of work, and asked him whether he had found anything to
do. The man grinned with infinite satisfaction, and replied:

"Yiss indade, ycr Riverince, an' a foine job too! Oi'm gettin' three
dollars a day fur pullin' down a Prodesant church!"


A man addicted to walking in his sleep went to bed all right one night,
but when he awoke he found himself on the street in the grasp of a
policeman. "Hold on," he cried, "you mustn't arrest me. I'm a
somnambulist." To which the policeman replied: "I don't care what your
religion is--yer can't walk the streets in yer nightshirt."


The friendship existing between Father Kelly and Rabbi Levi is proof
against differences in race and religion. Each distinguished for his
learning, his eloquence and his wit; and they delight in chaffing each
other. They were seated opposite each other at a banquet where some
delicious roast ham was served and Father Kelly made comments upon its
flavor. Presently he leaned forward and in a voice that carried far, he
addressed his friend:

"Rabbi Levi, when are you going to become liberal enough to eat ham?"

"At your wedding, Father Kelly," retorted the rabbi.


The broad-minded see the truth in different religions; the narrow-minded
see only their differences.--_Chinese Proverb_.




REMEDIES


MISTRESS--"Did the mustard plaster do you any good, Bridget?"

MAID--"Yes; but, begorry, mum, it do bite the tongue!"


SUFFERER--"I have a terrible toothache and want something to cure it."

FRIEND--"Now, you don't need any medicine. I had a toothache yesterday
and I went home and my loving wife kissed me and so consoled me that the
pain soon passed away. Why don't you try the same?"

SUFFERER--"I think I will. Is your wife at home now?"


  For every ill beneath the sun
  There is some remedy or none;
  If there be one, resolve to find it;
  If not, submit, and never mind it.




REMINDERS


The wife of an overworked promoter said at breakfast:

"Will you post this letter for me, dear? It's to the furrier,
countermanding my order for that $900 sable and ermine stole. You'll be
sure to remember?"

The tired eyes of the harassed, shabby promoter lit up with joy. He
seized a skipping rope that lay with a heap of dolls and toys in a
corner, and going to his wife, he said:

"Here, tie my right hand to my left foot so I won't forget!"




REPARTEE


Repartee is saying on the instant what you didn't say until the next
morning.


Among the members of a working gang on a certain railroad was an
Irishman who claimed to be very good at figures. The boss, thinking that
he would get ahead of Pat, said: "Say, Pat, how many shirts can you get
out of a yard?"

"That depends," answered Pat, "on whose yard you get into."


A middle-aged farmer accosted a serious-faced youth outside the Grand
Central Station in New York the other day.

"Young man," he said, plucking his sleeve, "I wanter go to Central
Park."

The youth seemed lost in consideration for a moment.

"Well," he said finally, "you may just this once. But I don't want you
ever, _ever_ to ask me again."


SEEDY VISITOR--"Do you have many wrecks about here, boatman?"

BOATMAN--"Not very many, sir. You're the first I've seen this season."


HER DAD--"No, sir; I won't have my daughter tied for life to a stupid
fool."

HER SUITOR--"Then don't you think you'd better let me take her off your
hands?"


Wendell Phillips was traveling through Ohio once when he fell in with a
car full of ministers returning from a convention. One of the ministers,
a southerner from Kentucky, was naturally not very cordial to the
opinions of the great abolitionist and set out to embarrass Mr.
Phillips. So, before the group of ministers, he said:

"You are Wendell Phillips, are you not?"

"Yes," answered the great abolitionist.

"And you are trying to free the niggers, aren't you?"

"Yes, sir; I am."

"Well, why do you preach your doctrines up here? Why don't you go over
into Kentucky?"

"Excuse me, are you a preacher?"

"I am, sir."

"Are you trying to save souls from hell?"

"Yes, sir; that is my business."

"Well, why don't you go there then?" asked Mr. Phillips.


SOLEMN SENIOR--"So your efforts to get on the team were fruitless, were
they?"

FOOLISH FRESHMAN--"Oh, no! Not at all. They gave me a lemon."--_Harvard
Lampoon_.


A benevolent person watched a workman laboriously windlassing rock from
a shaft while the broiling sun was beating down on his bare head.

"My dear man," observed the onlooker, "are you not afraid that your
brain will be affected in the hot sun?"

The laborer contemplated him for a moment and then replied:

"Do you think a man with any brains would be working at this kind of a
job?"


Winston Churchill, the young English statesman, recently began to raise
a mustache, and while it was still in the budding stage he was asked at
a dinner party to take in to dinner an English girl who had decided
opposing political views.

"I am sorry," said Mr. Churchill, "we cannot agree on politics."

"No, we can't," rejoined the girl, "for to be frank with you I like your
politics about as little as I do your mustache."

"Well," replied Mr. Churchill, "remember that you are not likely to come
into contact with either."


Strickland Gillilan, the lecturer and the man who pole-vaulted into fame
by his "Off Ag'in, On Ag'in, Finnigin" verses, was about to deliver a
lecture in a small Missouri town. He asked the chairman of the committee
whether he might have a small pitcher of ice-water on the platform
table.

"To drink?" queried the committeeman.

"No," answered Gillilan. "I do a high-diving act."


TRAVELER--"Say, boy, your corn looks kind of yellow."

BOY--"Yes, sir. That's the kind we planted."

TRAVELER--"Looks as though you will only have half a crop."

BOY--"Don't expect any more. The landlord gets the other half."

TRAVELER (after a moment's thought)--"Say, there is not much difference
between you and a fool."

BOY--"No, sir. Only the fence."


President Lincoln was busily engaged in his office when an attendant, a
young man of sixteen, unceremoniously entered and gave him a card.
Without rising, the President glanced at the card. "Pshaw. She here
again? I told her last week that I could not interfere in her case. I
cannot see her," he said impatiently. "Get rid of her any way you can.
Tell her I am asleep, or anything you like."

Quickly returning to the lady in an adjacent room, this exceedingly
bright boy said to her, "The President told me to tell you that he is
asleep."

The lady's eyes sparkled as she responded, "Ah, he says he is asleep,
eh? Well, will you be kind enough to return and ask him when he intends
to wake up?"


The garrulous old lady in the stern of the boat had pestered the guide
with her comments and questions ever since they had started. Her meek
little husband, who was hunched toad-like in the bow, fished in silence.
The old lady had seemingly exhausted every possible point in fish and
animal life, woodcraft, and personal history when she suddenly espied
one of those curious paths of oily, unbroken water frequently seen on
small lakes which are ruffled by a light breeze.

"Oh, guide, guide," she exclaimed, "what makes that funny streak in the
water--No, there--Right over there!"

The guide was busy re-baiting the old gentleman's hook and merely
mumbled "U-m-mm."

"Guide," repeated the old lady in tones that were not to be denied,
"look right over there where I'm pointing and tell me what makes that
funny streak in the water."

The guide looked up from his baiting with a sigh.

"That? Oh, that's where the road went across the ice last winter."


Nothing more clearly expresses the sentiments of Harvard men in seasons
of athletic rivalry than the time-honored "To hell with Yale!"

Once when Dean Briggs, of Harvard, and Edward Everett Hale were on their
way to a game at Soldiers' Field a friend asked:

"Where are you going, Dean?"

"To yell with Hale," answered Briggs with a meaning smile.


John Kendrick Bangs one day called up his wife on the telephone. The
maid at the other end did not recognize her "master's voice," and after
Bangs had told her whom he wanted the maid asked:

"Do you wish to speak with Mrs. Bangs?"

"No, indeed," replied the humorist; "I want to kiss her."


A boy took a position in an office where two different telephones were
installed.

"Your wife would like to speak to you on the 'phone, sir," he said to
his employer.

"Which one?" inquired the boss, starting toward the two booths.

"Please, sir, she didn't say, and I didn't know that you had more than
one."


An Englishman was being shown the sights along the Potomac. "Here,"
remarked the American, "is where George Washington threw a dollar across
the river."

"Well," replied the Englishman, "that is not very remarkable, for a
dollar went much further in those days than it does now."

The American would not be worsted, so, after a short pause, he said:
"But Washington accomplished a greater feat than that. He once chucked a
sovereign across the Atlantic."


Pat was busy on a road working with his coat off. There were two
Englishmen laboring on the same road, so they decided to have a joke
with the Irishman. They painted a donkey's head on the back of Pat's
coat, and watched to see him put it on. Pat, of course, saw the donkey's
head on his coat, and, turning to the Englishmen, said:

"Which of yez wiped your face on me coat?"


A district leader went to Sea Girt, in 1912, to see the Democratic
candidate for President. In the course of an animated conversation, the
leader, noticing that Governor Wilson's eyeglasses were perched
perilously near the tip of his nose remarked: "Your glasses, Governor,
are almost on your mouth."

"That's all right," was the quick response. "I want to see what I'm
talking about."


According to the London _Globe_ two Germans were halted at the French
frontier by the customs officers. "We have each to declare three bottles
of red wine," said one of the Germans to the _douaniers_. "How much to
pay?"

"Where are the bottles?" asked the customs man.

"They are within!" laughed the Teuton making a gesture.

The French _douanier_, unruffled, took down his tariff book and read, or
pretended to read: "Wines imported in bottles pay so much, wines
imported in barrels pay so much, and wines _en peaux d'âne_ pay no duty.
You can pass, gentlemen."


A small boy was hoeing corn in a sterile field by the roadside, when a
passer-by stopped and said:

"'Pears to me your corn is rather small."

"Certainly," said the boy; "it's dwarf corn."

"But it looks yaller."

"Certainly; we planted the yaller kind."

"But it looks as if you wouldn't get more than half a crop."

"Of course not; we planted it on halves."




REPORTING


_See_ Journalism; Newspapers.




REPUBLICAN PARTY


The morning after a banquet, during the Democratic convention in
Baltimore, a prominent Republican thus greeted an equally well-known
Democrat:

"I understand there were some Republicans at the banquet last night."

"Oh, yes," said the Democrat genially, "one waited on me."




REPUTATION


Popularity is when people like you; and reputation is when they ought
to, but really can't.--_Frank Richardson_.




RESEMBLANCES


Senator Blackburn is a thorough Kentuckian, and has all the local pride
of one born in the blue-grass section of his State. He also has the
prejudice against being taken for an Indianian which seems inherent in
all native-born Kentuckians. While coming to Congress, several sessions
ago, he was approached in the Pullman coach by a New Yorker, who, after
bowing politely to him, said:

"Is not this Senator Blackburn of Indiana?"

The Kentuckian sprang from his seat, and glaring at his interlocutor
exclaimed angrily:

"No, sir, by ----. The reason I look so bad is I have been sick!"


"Every time the baby looks into my face he smiles," said Mr. Meekins.

"Well," answered his wife, "it may not be exactly polite, but it shows
he has a sense of humor."


Mark Twain constantly received letters and photographs from men who had
been told that they looked like him. One was from Florida, and the
likeness, as shown by the man's picture, was really remarkable so
remarkable, indeed, that Mr. Clemens sent the following acknowledgment:

    "My Dear Sir: I thank you very much for your letter and the
    photograph. In my opinion you are certainly more like me than
    any other of my doubles. In fact, I am sure that if you stood
    before me in a mirrorless frame I could shave by you."


NEIGHBOR: "Johnny, I think in looks you favor your mother a great deal."

JOHNNY: "Well. I may look like her, but do you tink dat's a favor?"




RESIGNATION


"Then you don't think I practice what I preach, eh?" queried the
minister in talking with one of the deacons at a meeting.

"No, sir, I don't," replied the deacon "You've been preachin' on the
subject of resignation for two years an' ye haven't resigned yet."




RESPECTABILITY


"Is he respectable?"'

"Eminently so. He's never been indicted for anything less than stealing
a railroad."--_Wasp_.




REST CURE


A weather-beaten damsel somewhat over six feet in height and with a pair
of shoulders proportionately broad appeared at a back door in Wyoming
and asked for light housework. She said that her name was Lizzie, and
explained that she had been ill with typhoid and was convalescing.

"Where did you come from, Lizzie?" inquired the woman of the house.
"Where have you been?"

"I've been workin' out on Howell's ranch," replied Lizzie, "diggin'
post-holes while I was gittin' my strength back."




RETALIATION


You know that fellow, Jim McGroiarty, the lad that's always comin' up
and thumpin' ye on the chest and yellin', 'How are ye?'"

"I know him."

"I'll bet he's smashed twinty cigars for me--some of them clear
Havanny--but I'll get even with him now."

"How will you do it?"

"I'll tell ye. Jim always hits me over the vest pocket where I carry my
cigars. He'll hit me just once more. There's no cigar in me vest pocket
this mornin'. Instead of it, there's a stick of dynamite, d'ye mind!"


Once when Henry Ward Beecher was in the midst of an eloquent political
speech some wag in the audience crowed like a cock. It was done to
perfection and the audience was convulsed with laughter. The great
orator's friends felt uneasy as to his reception of the interruption.

But Mr. Beecher stood perfectly calm. He stopped speaking, listened till
the crowing ceased, and while the audience was laughing he pulled out
his watch. Then he said: "That's strange. My watch says it is only ten
o'clock. But there can't be any mistake about it. It must be morning,
for the instincts of the lower animals are absolutely infallible."


An Episcopal clergyman, rector of a fashionable church in one of
Boston's most exclusive suburbs, so as not to be bothered with the
innumerable telephone calls that fall to one in his profession, had his
name left out of the telephone book. A prominent merchant of the same
name, living in the same suburb, was continually annoyed by requests to
officiate at funerals and baptisms. He went to the rector, told his
troubles in a kindly way, and asked the parson to have his name put in
the directory. But without success.

The merchant then determined to complain to the telephone company. As he
was writing the letter, one Saturday evening, the telephone rang and the
timid voice of a young man asked if the Rev. Mr. Blank would marry him
at once. A happy thought came to the merchant: "No, I'm too damn busy
writing my sermon," he replied.



REVOLUTIONS


Haiti was in the midst of a revolution.

As a phase of it two armed bodies were approaching each other so that a
third was about to be caught between them.

The commander of the third party saw the predicament. On the right
government troops, on the left insurgents.

"General, why do you not give the order to fire?" asked an aide, dashing
up on a lame mule.

"I would like to," responded the general, "but, Great Scott! I can't
remember which side we're fighting for."




REWARDS


  Said a great Congregational preacher
  To a hen, "You're a beautiful creature."
    And the hen, just for that,
    Laid an egg in his hat,
  And thus did the Hen reward Beecher.




RHEUMATISM


FARMER BARNES--"I've bought a barometer, Hannah, to tell when it's going
to rain, ye know."

MRS. BARNES--"To tell when it's goin' to rain! Why, I never heard o'
such extravagance. What do ye s'pose th' Lord has given ye th' rheumatis
for?"--_Tit-Bits_.




ROADS


A Yankee just returning to the states was dining with an Englishman, and
the latter complained of the mud in America.

"Yes," said the American, "but it's nothing to the mud over here."

"Nonsense!" said the Englishman.

"Fact," the American replied. "Why, this afternoon I had a remarkable
adventure--came near getting into trouble with an old gentleman--all
through your confounded mud."

"Some of the streets are a little greasy at this season, I admit," said
the Englishman. "What was your adventure, though?"

"Well," said the American, "as I was walking along I noticed that the
mud was very thick, and presently I saw a high hat afloat on a large
puddle of very rich ooze. Thinking to do some one a kindness, I gave the
hat a poke with my stick, when an old gentleman looked up from beneath,
surprised and frowning. 'Hello!' I said. 'You're in pretty deep!'
'Deeper than you think,' he said. 'I'm on the top of an omnibus!'"




ROASTS


As William Faversham was having his luncheon in a Birmingham hotel he
was much annoyed by another visitor, who, during the whole of the meal,
stood with his back to the fire warming himself and watching Faversham
eat. At length, unable to endure it any longer, Mr. Faversham rang the
bell and said:

"Waiter, kindly turn that gentleman around. I think he is done on that
side."




ROOSEVELT, THEODORE


A delegation from Kansas visited Theodore Roosevelt at Oyster Bay some
years ago, while he was president. The host met them with coat and
collar off, mopping his brow.

"Ah, gentlemen," he said, "dee-lighted to see you. Dee-lighted. But I'm
very busy putting in my hay just now. Come down to the barn with me and
we'll talk things over while I work."

Down to the barn hustled President and delegation.

Mr. Roosevelt seized a pitchfork and--but where was the hay?

"John!" shouted the President. "John! where's all the hay?"

"Sorry, sir," came John's voice from the loft, "but I ain't had time to
throw it back since you threw it up for yesterday's delegation."




SALARIES


A country school-teacher was cashing her monthly check at the bank. The
teller apologized for the filthy condition of the bills, saying, "I hope
you're not afraid of microbes."

"Not a bit of it," the schoolma'am replied. "I'm sure no microbe could
live on my salary!"--_Frances Kirkland_.




SALESMEN AND SALESMANSHIP


A darky fruit-dealer in Georgia has a sign above his wares that reads:


    Watermelons

  Our choice    25 cents.

  Your choice   35 cents.

--_Elgin Burroughs_.


The quick wit of a traveling salesman who has since become a well-known
merchant was severely tested one day. He sent in his card by the
office-boy to the manager of a large concern, whose inner office was
separated from the waiting-room by a ground-glass partition. When the
boy handed his card to the manager the salesman saw him impatiently tear
it in half and throw it in the waste-basket; the boy came out and told
the caller that he could not see the chief. The salesman told the boy to
go back and get him his card; the boy brought out five cents, with the
message that his card was torn up. Then the salesman took out another
card and sent the boy back, saying: "Tell your boss I sell two cards for
five cents."

He got his interview and sold a large bill of goods.


A young man entered a hat store and asked to see the latest styles in
derbies. He was evidently hard to please, for soon the counter was
covered with hats that he had tried on and found wanting. At last the
salesman picked up a brown derby, brushed it off on his sleeve, and
extended it admiringly.

"These are being very much worn this season, sir," he said. "Won't you
try it on?"

The customer put the hat on and surveyed himself critically in the
mirror. "You're sure it's in style?"

"The most fashionable thing we have in the shop, sir. And it suits you
to perfection--if the fit's right."

"Yes, it fits very well. So you think I had better have it?"

"I don't think you could do better."

"No, I don't think I could. So I guess I won't buy a new one after all."

The salesman had been boosting the customer's old hat, which had become
mixed among the many new ones.


VISITOR--"Can I see that motorist who was brought here an hour ago?"

NURSE--"He hasn't come to his senses yet."

VISITOR--"Oh, that's all right. I only want to sell him another
car."--_Judge_.


"That fellow is too slick for me. Sold me a lot that was two feet under
water. I went around to demand my money back."

"Get it?"

"Get nothing! Then he sold me a second-hand gasoline launch and a copy
of 'Venetian Life,' by W.D. Howells."


In a small South Carolina town that was "finished" before the war, two
men were playing checkers in the back of a store. A traveling man who
was making his first trip to the town was watching the game, and, not
being acquainted with the business methods of the citizens, he called
the attention of the owner of the store to some customers who had just
entered the front door.

"Sh! Sh!" answered the storekeeper, making another move on the
checkerboard. "Keep perfectly quiet and they'll go out."


  He who finds he has something to sell,
  And goes and whispers it down a well,
  Is not so apt to collar the dollars,
  As he who climbs a tree and hollers.

  --_The Advertiser_




SALOONS


"Where can I get a drink in this town?" asked a traveling man who landed
at a little town in the oil region of Oklahoma, of the 'bus driver.

"See that millinery shop over there?" asked the driver, pointing to a
building near the depot.

"You don't mean to say they sell whiskey in a millinery store?"
exclaimed the drummer.

"No, I mean that's the only place here they don't sell it," said the
'bus man.




SALVATION


WILLIS--"Some of these rich fellows seem to think that they can buy
their way into heaven by leaving a million dollars to a church when they
die."

GILLIS--"I don't know but that they stand as much chance as some of
these other rich fellows who are trying to get in on the instalment plan
of ten cents a Sunday while they're living."--_Lauren S. Hamilton_.


An Italian noble at church one day gave a priest who begged for the
souls in purgatory, a piece of gold.

"Ah, my lord," said the good father, "you have now delivered a soul."

The count threw another piece upon the plate.

"Here is another soul delivered," said the priest.

"Are you positive of it?" replied the count.

"Yes, my lord," replied the priest; "I am certain they are now in
heaven."

"Then," said the count, "I'll take back my money, for it signifies
nothing to you now, seeing the souls have already got to heaven."


An Episcopal missionary in Wyoming visited one of the outlying districts
in his territory for the purpose of conducting prayer in the home of a
large family not conspicuous for its piety. He made known his intentions
to the woman of the house, and she murmured vaguely that "she'd go out
and see." She was long in returning, and after a tiresome wait the
missionary went to the door and called with some impatience:

"Aren't you coming in? Don't you care anything about your souls?"

"Souls?" yelled the head of the family from the orchard. "We haven't got
time to fool with our souls when the bees are swarmin'."


Edith was light-hearted and merry over everything. Nothing appealed to
her seriously. So, one day, her mother decided to invite a very serious
young parson to dinner, and he was placed next the light-hearted girl.
Everything went well until she asked him:

"You speak of everybody having a mission. What is yours?"

"My mission," said the parson, "is to save young men."

"Good," replied the girl, "I'm glad to meet you. I wish you'd save one
for me."




SAVING


Take care of the pennies and the dollars will be blown in by your
heirs.--_Puck_.


"Do you save up money for a rainy day, dear?"

"Oh, no! I never shop when it rains."


JOHNNY--"Papa, would you be glad if I saved a dollar for you?"

PAPA--"Certainly, my son."

JOHNNY--"Well, I saved it for you, all right. You said if I brought a
first-class report from my teacher this week you would give me a dollar,
and I didn't bring it."


According to the following story, economy has its pains as well as its
pleasures, even after the saving is done.

One spring, for some reason, old Eli was going round town with the face
of dissatisfaction, and, when questioned, poured forth his voluble tale
of woe thus:

"Marse Geo'ge, he come to me last fall an' he say, 'Eli, dis gwine ter
be a hard winter, so yo' be keerful, an' save yo' wages fas' an' tight.'

"An' I b'lieve Marse Geo'ge, yas, sah, I b'lieve him, an' I save an' I
save, an' when de winter come it ain't got no hardship, an' dere was I
wid all dat money jes' frown on mah hands!"


"Robert dear," said the coy little maiden to her sweetheart, "I'm sure
you love me; but give me some proof of it, darling. We can't marry on
fifteen dollars a week, you know."

"Well, what do you want me to do?" said he, with a grieved air.

"Why, save up a thousand dollars, and have it safe in the bank, and then
I'll marry you."

About two months later she cuddled up close to him on the sofa one
evening, and said:

"Robert dear, have you saved up that thousand yet?"

"Why, no, my love," he replied; "not all of it."

"How much have you saved, darling?"

"Just two dollars and thirty-five cents, dear."

"Oh, well," said the sweet young thing as she snuggled a little closer,
"don't let's wait any longer, darling. I guess that'll do."--_R.M.
Winans_.


_See_ also Economy; Thrift.




SCANDAL


An ill wind that blows nobody good.




SCHOLARSHIP


There is in Washington an old "grouch' whose son was graduated from
Yale. When the young man came home at the end of his first term, he
exulted in the fact that he stood next to the head of his class. But the
old gentleman was not satisfied.

"_Next_ to the head!" he exclaimed. "What do you mean? I'd like to know
what you think I'm sending you to college for? _Next_ to the head! Why
aren't you at the head, where you ought to be?"

At this the son was much crestfallen; but upon his return, he went about
his work with such ambition that at the end of the term he found himself
in the coveted place. When he went home that year he felt very proud. It
would be great news for the old man.

When the announcement was made, the father contemplated his son for a
few minutes in silence; then, with a shrug, he remarked:

"At the head of the class, eh? Well, that's a fine commentary on Yale
University!"--_Howard Morse_.


"Well, there were only three boys in school to-day who could answer one
question that the teacher asked us," said a proud boy of eight.

"And I hope my boy was one of the three," said the proud mother.

"Well, I was," answered Young Hopeful, "and Sam Harris and Harry Stone
were the other two."

"I am very glad you proved yourself so good a scholar, my son; it makes
your mother proud of you. What question did the teacher ask, Johnnie?"

"'Who broke the glass in the back window?'"


Sammy's mother was greatly distressed because he had such poor marks in
his school work. She scolded, coaxed, even promised him a dime if he
would do better. The next day he came running home.

"Oh, mother," he shouted, "I got a hundred!"

"And what did you get a hundred in?"

"In two things," replied Sammy without hesitation. "I got forty in
readin' and sixty in spellin'."


Who ceases to be a student has never been one.--_George Iles_.


_See also_ College students.




SCHOOLS


"Mamma," complained little Elsie, "I don't feel very well." "That's too
bad, dear," said mother sympathetically. "Where do you feel worst?"

"In school, mamma."




SCIENTIFIC MANAGEMENT


The late Sylvanus Miller, civil engineer, who was engaged in railroad
enterprise in Central America, was seeking local support for a road and
attempted to give the matter point. He asked a native:

"How long does it take you to carry your goods to market by muleback?"

"Three days," was the reply.

"There's the point," said Miller. "With our road in operation you could
take your goods to market and be back home in one day."

"Very good, senor," answered the native. "But what would we do with the
other two days?"


A visitor from New York to the suburbs said to his host during the
afternoon:

"By the way, your front gate needs repairing. It was all I could do to
get it open. You ought to have it trimmed or greased or something."

"Oh, no," replied the owner "Oh, no, that's all right."

"Why is it?" asked the visitor.

"Because," was the reply, "every one who comes through that gate pumps
two buckets of water into the tank on the roof."




SCOTCH, THE


A Scotsman is one who prays on his knees on Sunday and preys on his
neighbors on week days.


It being the southerner's turn, he told about a county in Missouri so
divided in sentiment that year after year the vote of a single man
prohibits the sale of liquor there. "And what," he asked, "do you
suppose is the name of the chap who keeps a whole county dry?"

Nobody had an idea.

"Mackintosh, as I'm alive!" declared the southerner.

Everybody laughed except the Englishman. "It's just like a Scotsman to
be so obstinate!" he sniffed, and was much astonished when the rest of
the party laughed more than ever.


A Scottish minister, taking his walk early in the morning, found one of
his parishioners recumbent in a ditch.

"Where hae you been the nicht, Andrew?" asked the minister.

"Weel, I dinna richtly ken," answered the prostrate one, "whether it was
a wedding' or a funeral, but whichever it was it was a most
extraordinary success."


_See also_ Thrift.




SEASICKNESS


A Philadelphian, on his way to Europe, was experiencing seasickness for
the first time. Calling his wife to his bedside, he said in a weak
voice: "Jennie, my will is in the Commercial Trust Company's care.
Everything is left to you, dear. My various stocks you will find in my
safe-deposit box." Then he said fervently: "And, Jenny, bury me on the
other side. I can't stand this trip again, alive or dead."--_Joe King_.


Motto for the dining saloon of an ocean steamship: "Man wants but little
here below, nor wants that little long."


On the steamer the little bride was very much concerned about her
husband, who was troubled with dyspepsia.

"My husband is peculiarly liable to seasickness, Captain," remarked the
bride. "Could you tell him what to do in case of an attack?"

"That won't be necessary, Madam," replied the Captain; "he'll do it."


A clergyman who was holding a children's service at a Continental winter
resort had occasion to catechize his hearers on the parable, of the
unjust steward. "What is a steward?" he asked.

A little boy who had arrived from England a few days before held up his
hand. "He is a man, sir," he replied, with a reminiscent look on his
face, "who brings you a basin."


"The first day out was perfectly lovely," said the young lady just back
from abroad. "The water was as smooth as glass, and it was simply
gorgeous. But the second day was rough and--er--decidedly disgorgeous."


The great ocean liner rolled and pitched.

"Henry," faltered the young bride, "do you still love me?"

"More than ever, darling!" was Henry's fervent answer.

Then there was an eloquent silence.

"Henry," she gasped, turning her pale, ghastly face away, "I thought
that would make me feel better, but it doesn't!"


  There was a young man from Ostend,
  Who vowed he'd hold out to the end;
    But when half way over
    From Calais to Dover,
  He did what he didn't intend.




SEASONS


  There was a young fellow named Hall,
  Who fell in the spring in the fall;
    'Twould have been a sad thing
    If he'd died in the spring,
  But he didn't--he died in the fall.




SENATORS


A Senator is very often a man who has risen from obscurity to something
worse.


"You have been conspicuous in the halls of legislation, have you not?"
said the young woman who asks all sorts of questions.

"Yes, miss," answered Senator Sorghum, blandly; "I think I have
participated in some of the richest hauls that legislation ever made."


An aviator alighted on a field and said to a rather well-dressed
individual: "Here, mind my machine a minute, will you?"

"What?" the well-dressed individual snarled. "Me mind your machine? Why,
I'm a United States Senator!"

"Well, what of it?" said the aviator. "I'll trust you."




SENSE OF HUMOR


  "What of his sense of humor?"
  "Well, he has to see a joke twice before he sees it once."

  --_Richard Kirk_.


"A sense of humor is a help and a blessing through life," says Rear
Admiral Buhler. "But even a sense of humor may exist in excess. I have
in mind the case of a British soldier who was sentenced to be flogged.
During the flogging he laughed continually. The harder the lash was laid
on, the harder the soldier laughed.

"'Wot's so funny about bein' flogged?' demanded the sergeant.

"'Why,' the soldier chuckled, 'I'm the wrong man.'"


Mark Twain once approached a friend, a business man, and confided to him
that he needed the assistance of a stenographer.

"I can send you one, a fine young fellow," the friend said, "He came to
my office yesterday in search of a position, but I didn't have an
opening."

"Has he a sense of humor?" Mark asked cautiously.

"A sense of humor? He has--in fact, he got off one or two pretty witty
things himself yesterday," the friend hastened to assure him.

"Sorry, but he won't do, then," Mark said.

"Won't do? Why?"

"No," said Mark. "I had one once before with a sense of humor, and it
interfered too much with the work. I cannot afford to pay a man two
dollars a day for laughing."


The perception of the ludicrous is a pledge of sanity.--_Emerson_.




SENTRIES


_See_ Armies.




SERMONS


_See_ Preaching.




SERVANTS


TOMMY--"Pop, what is it that the Bible says is here to-day and gone
to-morrow?"

POP--"Probably the cook, my son."


As usual, they began discussing the play after the theater. "Well, how
did you like the piece, my dear?" asked the fond husband who had always
found his wife a good critic.

"Very much. There's only one improbable thing in it: the second act
takes place two years after the first, and they have the same servant."


SMITH--"We are certainly in luck with our new cook--soup, meat,
vegetables and dessert, everything perfect!"

MRS. S.--"Yes, but the dessert was made by her successor."


THE NEW GIRL--"An' may me intended visit me every Sunday afternoon,
ma'am?"

MISTRESS--"Who is your intended, Delia?"

THE NEW GIRL--"I don't know yet, ma'am. I'm a stranger in town."


"And do you have to be called in the morning?" asked the lady who was
about to engage a new girl.

"I don't has to be, mum," replied the applicant, "unless you happens to
need me."


A maid dropped and broke a beautiful platter at a dinner recently. The
host did not permit a trifle like this to ruffle him in the least.

"These little accidents happen 'most every day," he said apologetically.
"You see, she isn't a trained waitress. She was a dairymaid originally,
but she had to abandon that occupation on account of her inability to
handle the cows without breaking their horns."


Young housewives obliged to practice strict economy will sympathize with
the sad experience of a Washington woman.

When her husband returned home one evening he found her dissolved in
tears, and careful questioning elicited the reason for her grief.

"Dan," said she, "every day this week I have stopped to look at a
perfect love of a hat in Mme. Louise's window. Such a hat, Dan, such a
beautiful hat! But the price--well, I wanted it the worst way, but just
couldn't afford to buy it."

"Well, dear," began the husband recklessly, "we might manage to--"

"Thank you, Dan," interrupted the wife, "but there isn't any 'might'
about it. I paid the cook this noon, and what do you think? She marched
right down herself and bought that hat!"--_Edwin Tarrisse_.


It is probable that many queens of the kitchen share the sentiment
good-naturedly expressed by a Scandinavian servant, recently taken into
the service of a young matron of Chicago.

The youthful assumer of household cares was disposed to be a trifle
patronizing.

"Now, Lena," she asked earnestly, "are you a _good_ cook?"

"Ya-as, 'm, I tank so," said the girl, with perfect naiveté, "if you
vill not try to help me."--_Elgin Burroughs_.

"Have you a good cook now?"

"I don't know. I haven't been home since breakfast!"


MRS. LITTLETOWN--"This magazine looks rather the worse for wear."

MRS. NEARTOWN--"Yes, it's the one I sometimes lend to the servant on
Sundays."

MRS. LITTLETOWN--"Doesn't she get tired of always reading the same one?"

MRS. NEARTOWN--"Oh, no. You see, it's the same book, but it's always a
different servant."--_Suburban Life_.


MRS. HOUSEN HOHM--"What is your name?"

APPLICANT FOR COOKSHIP--"Miss Arlington."

MRS. HOUSEN HOHM--"Do you expect to be called Miss Arlington?"

APPLICANT---"No, ma'am; not if you have an alarm clock in my room."


MISTRESS--"Nora, I saw a policeman in the park to-day kiss a baby. I
hope you will remember my objection to such things."

NORA--"Sure, ma'am, no policeman would ever think iv kissin' yer baby
whin I'm around."

_See also_ Gratitude; Recommendations.




SHOPPING


CLERK--"Can you let me off to-morrow afternoon? My wife wants me to go
shopping with her."

EMPLOYER--"Certainly not. We are much too busy."

CLERK--"Thank you very much, sir. You are very kind!"




SHYNESS


The late "lan Maclaren" (Dr. John Watson) once told this story on
himself to some friends:

"I was coming over on the steamer to America, when one day I went into
the library to do some literary work. I was very busy and looked so, I
suppose. I had no sooner started to write than a diffident-looking young
man plumped into the chair opposite me, began twirling his cap and
stared at me. I let him sit there. An hour or more passed, and he was
still there, returning my occasional and discouraging glances at him
with a foolish, ingratiating smile. I was inclined to be annoyed. I had
a suspicion that he was a reader of my books, perhaps an admirer--or an
autograph-hunter. He could wait. But at last he rose, and still twirling
his cap, he spoke:

"'Excuse me, Doctor Watson; I'm getting deathly sick in here and I'm
real sorry to disturb you, but I thought you'd like to know that just as
soon as you left her Mrs. Watson fell down the companionway stairs, and
I guess she hurt herself pretty badly.'"




SIGNS


When the late Senator Wolcott first went to Colorado he and his brother
opened a law office at Idaho Springs under the firm name of "Ed. Wolcott
& Bro." Later the partnership was dissolved. The future senator packed
his few assets, including the sign that had hung outside of his office,
upon a burro and started for Georgetown, a mining town farther up in the
hills. Upon his arrival he was greeted by a crowd of miners who
critically surveyed him and his outfit. One of them, looking first at
the sign that hung over the pack, then at Wolcott, and finally at the
donkey, ventured:

"Say, stranger, which of you is Ed?"


"Buck" Kilgore, of Texas, who once kicked open the door of the House of
Representatives when Speaker Reed had all doors locked to prevent the
minority from leaving the floor and thus escaping a vote, was noted for
his indifference to forms and rules. Speaker Reed, annoyed by members
bringing lighted cigars upon the floor of the House just before opening
time, had signs conspicuously posted as follows: "No smoking on the
floor of the House." One day just before convening the House his eagle
eye detected Kilgore nonchalantly puffing away at a fat cigar. Calling a
page, he told him to give his compliments to the gentleman from Texas
and ask him if he had not seen the signs. After a while the page
returned and seated himself without reporting to the Speaker, and Mr.
Reed was irritated to see the gentleman from Texas continue his smoke.
With a frown he summoned the page and asked:

"Did you tell the gentleman from Texas what I said?"

"I did," replied the page.

"What did he say?" asked Reed.

"Well--er," stammered the page, "he said to give his compliments to you
and tell you he did not believe in signs."




SILENCE


A conversation with an Englishman.--_Heine_.


BALL-"What is silence?"

HALL-"The college yell of the school of experience."


The other day upon the links a distinguished clergyman was playing a
closely contested game of golf. He carefully teed up his ball and
addressed it with the most aproved grace; he raised his driver and hit
the ball a tremendous clip, but instead of soaring into the azure it
perversely went about twelve feet to the right and then buzzed around in
a circle. The clerical gentleman frowned, scowled, pursed up his mouth
and bit his lips, but said nothing, and a friend who stood by him said:
"Doctor, that is the most profane silence I ever witnessed."




SIN


  Man-like is it to fall into sin,
  Fiend-like is it to dwell therein,
  Christ-like is it for sin to grieve,
  God-like is it all sin to leave.

  --_Friedrich von Logan_.


"Now," said the clergyman to the Sunday-school class, "can any of you
tell me what are sins of omission?"

"Yes, sir," said the small boy. "They are the sins we ought to have done
and haven't."




SINGERS


As the celebrated soprano began to sing, little Johnnie became greatly
exercised over the gesticulations of the orchestra conductor.

"What's that man shaking his stick at her for?" he demanded indignantly.

"Sh-h! He's not shaking his stick at her."

But Johnny was not convinced.

"Then what in thunder's she hollering for?"


A visiting clergyman was occupying a pulpit in St. Louis one Sunday when
it was the turn of the bass to sing a solo, which he did very badly, to
the annoyance of the preacher, a lover of music. When the singer fell
back in his seat, red of face and exhausted, the clergyman arose, placed
his hands on the unopened Bible, deliberately surveyed the faces of the
congregation, and announced the text:

"And the wind ceased and there was a great calm."

It wasn't the text he had chosen, but it fitted his sermon as well as
the occasion.


One cold, wet, and windy night he came upon a negro shivering in the
doorway of an Atlanta store. Wondering what the darky could be doing,
standing on a cold, wet night in such a draughty position, the
proprietor of the shop said:

"Jim, what are you doing here?"

"'Sense me, sir," said Jim, "but I'm gwine to sing bass tomorrow mornin'
at church, an' I am tryin' to ketch a cold."--_Howard Morse_.


"The man who sings all day at work is a happy man."

"Yes, but how about the man who works and has to listen to him?" Miss
Jeanette Gilder was one of the ardent enthusiasts at the debut of
Tetrazzini. After the first act she rushed to the back of the house to
greet one of her friends. "Don't you think she is a wonder?" she asked
excitedly.

"She is a great singer unquestionably," responded her more phlegmatic
friend, "but the registers of her voice are not so even as, for
instance, Melba's."

"Oh, bother Melba," said Miss Gilder. "Tetrazzini gives infinitely more
heat from her registers."


At a certain Scottish dinner it was found that every one had contributed
to the evening's entertainment but a certain Doctor MacDonald.

"Come, come, Doctor MacDonald," said the chairman, "we cannot let you
escape."

The doctor protested that he could not sing.

"My voice is altogether unmusical, and resembles the sound caused by the
act of rubbing a brick along the panels of a door."

The company attributed this to the doctor's modesty. Good singers, he
was reminded, always needed a lot of pressing.

"Very well," said the doctor, "if you can stand it I will sing."

Long before he had finished his audience was uneasy.

There was a painful silence as the doctor sat down, broken at length by
the voice of a braw Scot at the end of the table.

"Mon," he exclaimed, "your singin's no up to much, but your veracity's
just awful. You're richt aboot that brick."


  She smiles, my darling smiles, and all
    The world is filled with light;
  She laughs--'tis like the bird's sweet call,
    In meadows fair and bright.
  She weeps--the world is cold and gray,
    Rain-clouds shut out the view;
  She sings--I softly steal away
    And wait till she gets through.


  God sent his singers upon earth
  With songs of gladness and of mirth,
  That they might touch the hearts of men,
  And bring them back to heaven again.

  --_Longfellow_.




SKATING


A young lady entered a crowded car with a pair of skates slung over her
arm. An elderly gentleman arose to give her his seat.

"Thank you very much, sir," she said, "but I've been skating all
afternoon, and I'm tired of sitting down."




SKY-SCRAPERS


_See_ Buildings.




SLEEP

Recently a friend who had heard that I sometimes suffer from insomnia
told me of a sure cure. "Eat a pint of peanuts and drink two or three
glasses of milk before going to bed," said he, "and I'll warrant you'll
be asleep within half an hour." I did as he suggested, and now for the
benefit of others who may be afflicted with insomnia, I feel it my duty
to report what happened, so far as I am able to recall the details.

First, let me say my friend was right. I did go to sleep very soon after
my retirement. Then a friend with his head under his arm came along and
asked me if I wanted to buy his feet. I was negotiating with him, when
the dragon on which I was riding slipped out of his skin and left me
floating in mid-air. While I was considering how I should get down, a
bull with two heads peered over the edge of the wall and said he would
haul me up if I would first climb up and rig a windlass for him. So as I
was sliding down the mountainside the brakeman came in, and I asked him
when the train would reach my station.

"We passed your station four hundred years ago," he said, calmly folding
the train up and slipping it into his vest pocket.

At this juncture the clown bounded into the ring and pulled the
center-pole out of the ground, lifting the tent and all the people in it
up, up, while I stood on the earth below watching myself go out of sight
among the clouds above. Then I awoke, and found I had been asleep almost
ten minutes.--_The Good Health Clinic_.




SMILES


  There was a young lady of Niger,
  Who went for a ride on a tiger;
    They returned from the ride
    With the lady inside,
  And a smile on the face of the tiger.

  --_Gilbert K. Chesterton_.




SMOKING

A woman is only a woman, but a good cigar is a smoke.--_Rudyard
Kipling_.


AUNT MARY--(horrified) "Good gracious. Harold, what would your mother
say if she saw you smoking cigarets?" HAROLD (calmly)--"She'd have a
fit. They're her cigarets."


An Irish soldier on sentry duty had orders to allow no one to smoke near
his post. An officer with a lighted cigar approached whereupon Pat
boldly challenged him and ordered him to put it out at once.

The officer with a gesture of disgust threw away his cigar, but no
sooner was his back turned than Pat picked it up and quietly retired to
the sentry box.

The officer happening to look around, observed a beautiful cloud of
smoke issuing from the box. He at once challenged Pat for smoking on
duty.

"Smoking, is it, sor? Bedad, and I'm only keeping it lit to show the
corporal when he comes as evidence agin you."




SNEEZING


While campaigning in Iowa Speaker Cannon was once inveigled into
visiting the public schools of a town where he was billed to speak. In
one of the lower grades an ambitious teacher called upon a youthful
Demosthenes to entertain the distinguished visitor with an exhibition of
amateur oratory. The selection attempted was Byron's "Battle of
Waterloo," and just as the boy reached the end of the first paragraph
Speaker Cannon gave vent to a violent sneeze. "But, hush! hark!"
declaimed the youngster; "a deep sound strikes like a rising knell! Did
ye not hear it?"

The visitors smiled and a moment later the second sneeze--which the
Speaker was vainly trying to hold back--came with increased violence.

"But, hark!" bawled the boy, "that heavy sound breaks in once more, and
nearer, clearer, deadlier than before! Arm! arm! it is--it is--the
cannon's opening roar!"

This was too much, and the laugh that broke from the party swelled to a
roar when "Uncle Joe" chuckled: "Put up yout weapons, children; I won't
shoot any more."




SNOBBERY


Snobbery is the pride of those who are not sure of their position.




SNORING


Snore--An unfavorable report from headquarters.--_Foolish Dictionary_.




SOCIALISTS


Among the stories told of the late Baron de Rothschild is one which
details how a "change of heart" once came to his valet--an excellent
fellow, albeit a violent "red."

Alphonse was as good a servant as one would wish to employ, and as his
socialism never got farther than attending a weekly meeting, the baron
never objected to his political faith. After a few months of these
permissions to absent himself from duty, his employer noticed one week
that he did not ask to go. The baron thought Alphonse might have
forgotten the night, but when the next week he stayed at home, he
inquired what was up.

"Sir," said the valet, with the utmost dignity, "some of my former
colleagues have worked out a calculation that if all the wealth in
France were divided equally per capita, each individual would be the
possessor of two thousand francs."

Then he stopped as if that told the whole story, so said the baron,
"What of that?"

"Sir," came back from the enlightened Alphonse, "I have five thousand
francs now."--_Warwick James Price_.




SOCIETY


Smart Society is made up of the worldly, the fleshy, and the
devilish.--_Harold Melbourne_.


"What are her days at home?"

"Oh, a society leader has no days at home anymore. Nowadays she has her
telephone hours."


Society consists of two classes, the upper and the lower. The latter
cultivates the dignity of labor, the former the labor of
dignity.--_Punch_.


  There was a young person called Smarty,
  Who sent out his cards for a party;
    So exclusive and few
    Were the friends that he knew
  That no one was present but Smarty.




SOLECISMS


A New York firm recently hung the following sign at the entrance of a
large building: "Wanted: Sixty girls to sew buttons on the sixth floor."


Reporters are obliged to write their descriptions of accidents hastily
and often from meager data, and in the attempt to make them vivid they
sometimes make them ridiculous; for example, a New York City paper a few
days ago, in describing a collision between a train and a motor bus,
said: "The train, too, was filled with passengers. Their shrieks mingled
with the _cries of the dead_ and the dying of the bus!"




SONS


"I thought your father looked very handsome with his gray hairs."

"Yes, dear old chap. I gave him those."




SOUVENIRS


"A friend of mine, traveling in Ireland, stopped for a drink of milk at
a white cottage with a thatched roof, and, as he sipped his refreshment,
he noted, on a center table under a glass dome, a brick with a faded
rose upon the top of it.

"'Why do you cherish in this way,' my friend said to his host, 'that
common brick and that dead rose?'

"'Shure, sir,' was the reply, 'there's certain memories attachin' to
them. Do ye see this big dent in my head? Well, it was made by that
brick.'

"'But the rose?' said my friend.

His host smiled quietly. "'The rose,' he explained, 'is off the grave of
the man that threw the brick.'"




SPECULATION


There are two times in a man's life when he should not speculate: when
he can't afford it, and when he can.--_Mark Twain_.




SPEED


"I always said old Cornelius Husk was slow," said one Quag man to
another.

"Why, what's he been doin' now?" the other asked.

"Got himself run over by a hearse!"


"So you heard the bullet whiz past you?" asked the lawyer of the darky.

"Yes, sah, heard it twict."

"How's that?"

"Heard it whiz when it passed me, and heard it again when I passed it."


A near race riot happened in a southern town. The negroes gathered in
one crowd and the whites in another. The whites fired their revolvers
into the air, and the negroes took to their heels. Next day a plantation
owner said to one of his men: "Sam, were you in that crowd that gathered
last night?" "Yassir." "Did you run like the wind, Sam?" "No, sir. I
didn't run like the wind,'deed I didn't. But I passed two niggers that
was running like the wind."


A guest in a Cincinnati hotel was shot and killed. The negro porter who
heard the shooting was a witness at the trial.

"How many shots did you hear?" asked the lawyer.

"Two shots, sah," he replied.

"How far apart were they?"

'"Bout like dis way," explained the negro, clapping his hands with an
interval of about a second between claps.

"Where were you when the first shot was fired?"

"Shinin' a gemman's shoe in the basement of de hotel."

"Where were you when the second shot was fired?"

"Ah was passin' de Big Fo' depot."




SPINSTERS


"Is there anyone present who wishes the prayers of the congregation for
a relative or friend?" asks the minister.

"I do," says the angular lady arising from the rear pew. "I want the
congregation to pray for my husband."

"Why, sister Abigail!" replies the minister. "You have no husband as
yet."

"Yes, but I want you all to pitch in an' pray for one for me!" Some time
ago the wife of an assisstant state officer gave a party to a lot of old
maids of her town. She asked each one to bring a photograph of the man
who had tried to woo and wed her. Each of the old maids brought a
photograph and they were all pictures of the same man, the hostess's
husband.


Maude Adams was one day discussing with her old negro "mammy" the
approaching marriage of a friend.

"When is you gwine to git married, Miss Maudie?" asked the mammy, who
took a deep interest in her talented young mistress.

"I don't know, mammy," answered the star. "I don't think I'll ever get
married."

"Well," sighed mammy, in an attempt to be philosophical, "they do say
ole maids is the happies' kind after they quits strugglin'."


  Here's to the Bachelor, so lonely and gay,
  For it's not his fault, he was born that way;
  And here's to the Spinster, so lonely and good;
  For it's not her fault, she hath done what she could.


An old maid on the wintry side of fifty, hearing of the marriage of a
pretty young lady, her friend, observed with a deep and sentimental
sigh: "Well, I suppose it is what we must all come to."


A famous spinster, known throughout the country for her charities, was
entertaining a number of little girls from a charitable institution.
After the luncheon, the children were shown through the place, in order
that they might enjoy the many beautiful things it contained.

"This," said the spinster, indicating a statue, "is Minerva."

"Was Minerva married?" asked one of the little girls.

"No, my child," said the spinster, with a smile; "Minerva was the
Goddess of Wisdom."--_E.T_.


  There once was a lonesome, lorn spinster,
  And luck had for years been ag'inst her;
    When a man came to burgle
    She shrieked, with a gurgle,
  "Stop thief, while I call in a min'ster!"




SPITE


Think twice before you speak, and then you may be able to say something
more aggraviting than if you spoke right out at once.


A man had for years employed a steady German workman. One day Jake came
to him and asked to be excused from work the next day.

"Certainly, Jake," beamed the employer. "What are you going to do?"

"Vall," said Jake slowly. "I tink I must go by mein wife's funeral. She
dies yesterday."

After the lapse of a few weeks Jake again approached his boss for a day
off.

"All right, Jake, but what are you going to do this time?"

"Aber," said Jake, "I go to make me, mit mein fräulein, a wedding."

"What? So soon? Why, it's only been three weeks since you buried your
wife."

"Ach!" replied Jake, "I don't hold spite long."




SPRING


  In the spring the housemaid's fancy
    Lightly turns from pot and pan
  To the greater necromancy
    Of a young unmarried man.
  You can hold her through the winter,
    And she'll work around and sing,
  But it's just as good as certain
    She will marry in the spring.


  It is easy enough to look pleasant,
  When the spring comes along with a rush;
    But the fellow worth-while
    Is the one who can smile
  When he slips and sits down in the slush.

  --_Leslie Van Every_.




STAMMERING


One of the ushers approached a man who appeared to be annoying those
about him.

"Don't you like the show?"

"Yes, indeed!"

"Then why do you persist in hissing the performers?"

"Why, m-man alive, I w-was-n't h-hissing! I w-was s-s-im-ply
s-s-s-saying to S-s-s-sammie that the s-s-s-singing is s-s-s-superb."


A man who stuttered badly went to a specialist and after ten difficult
lessons learned to say quite distinctly, "Peter Piper picked a peck of
pickled peppers." His friends congratulated him upon this splendid
achievement.

"Yes," said the man doubtfully, "but it's s-s-such a d-d-deucedly
d-d-d-difficult rem-mark to w-w-work into an ordin-n-nary
c-c-convers-s-sa-tion, y' know."




STATESMEN


A statesman is a deal politician.--_Mr. Dooley_.

A statesman is a man who finds out which way the crowd is going, then
jumps in front and yells like blazes.




STATISTICS


An earnest preacher in Georgia, who has a custom of telling the Lord all
the news in his prayers, recently began a petition for help against the
progress of wickedness in his town, with the statement:

"Oh, Thou great Jehovah, crime is on the increase. It is becoming more
prevalent daily. I can prove it to you by statistics."


PATIENT--"Tell me candidly, Doc, do you think I'll pull through?"

DOCTOR--"Oh, you're bound to get well--you can't help yourself. _The
Medical Record_ shows that out of one hundred cases like yours, one per
cent invariably recovers. I've treated ninety-nine cases, and every one
of them died. Why, man alive, you can't die if you try! There's no
humbug in statistics."




STEAK


"Can I get a steak here and catch the one o'clock train?"

"It depends on your teeth, sir."




STEAM


"Can you tell what steam is?" asked the examiner.

"Why, sure, sir," replied Patrick confidently. "Steam is--Why--er--it's
wather thos's gone crazy wid the heat."




STEAMSHIPS AND STEAMBOATS


"That new steamer they're building is a whopper," says the man with the
shoe button nose.

"Yes," agrees the man with the recalcitrant hair, "but my uncle is going
to build one so long that when a passenger gets seasick in one end of it
he can go to the other end and be clear away from the storm."




STENOGRAPHERS


A beautiful statuesque blond had left New York to act as stenographer to
a dignified Philadelphian of Quaker descent. On the morning of her first
appearance she went straight to the desk of her employer.

"I presume," she remarked, "that you begin the day over here the same as
they do in New York?"

"Oh, yes," replied the employer, without glancing up from a letter he
was reading.

"Well, hurry up and kiss me, then," was the startling rejoinder, "I want
to get to work."




STOCK BROKERS


  A grain broker in New Boston, Maine,
  Said, "That market gives me a pain;
    I can hardly bear it,
    To bull--I don't dare it,
  For it's going against the grain."

  --_Minnesota Minne-Ha-Ha_.




STRATEGY


A bird dog belonging to a man in Mulvane disappeared last week. The
owner put this "ad" in the paper and insisted that it be printed exactly
as he wrote it:

LOST OR RUN AWAY--One livver culered burd dog called Jim. Will show
signs of hyderfobby in about three days. The dog came home the following
day.


"Boy, take these flowers to Miss Bertie Bohoo, Room 12."

"My, sir, you're the fourth gentleman wot's sent her flowers to-day."

"What's that? What the deuce? W--who sent the others?"

"Oh, they didn't send any names. They all said, 'She'll know where they
come from.'"

"Well, here, take my card, and tell her these are from the same one who
sent the other three boxes."


The little girl was having a great deal of trouble pronouncing some of
the words she met with. "Vinegar" had given her the most trouble, and
she was duly grieved to know that the village was being entertained by
her efforts in this direction.

She was sent one day to the store with the vinegar-jug, to get it
filled, and had no intention of amusing the people who were gathered in
the store. So she handed the jug to the clerk with:

"Smell the mouth of it and give me a quart."


A young couple had been courting for several years, and the young man
seemed to be in no hurry to marry. Finally, one day, he said:

"Sall, I canna marry thee."

"How's that?" asked she.

"I've changed my mind," said he.

"Well, I'll tell thee what we'll do," said she. "If folks know that it's
thee as has given me up I shanna be able to get another chap; but if
they think I've given thee up then I can get all I want. So we'll have
banns published and when the wedding day comes the parson will say to
thee, 'Wilt thou have this woman to be thy wedded wife?' and thou must
say, 'I will.' And when he says to me, 'Wilt thou have this man to be
thy wedded husband?' I shall say, 'I winna.'"

The day came, and when the minister asked the important question the man
answered:

"I will."

Then the parson said to the woman:

"Wilt thou have this man to be thy wedded husband?" and she said:

"I will."

"Why," said the young man furiously, "you said you would say 'I winna.'"

"I know that," said the young woman, "but I've changed my mind since."


Charles Stuart, formerly senator from Michigan, was traveling by stage
through his own state. The weather was bitter cold, the snow deep, and
the roads practically unbroken. The stage was nearly an hour late at the
dinner station and everybody was cross and hungry.

In spite of the warning, "Ten minutes only for refreshments," Senator
Stuart sat down to dinner with his usual deliberation. When he had
finished his first cup of coffee the other passengers were leaving the
table. By the time his second cup arrived the stage was at the door.
"All aboard!" shouted the driver. The senator lingered and called for a
third cup of coffee.

While the household, as was the custom, assembled at the door to see the
stage oft, the senator calmly continued his meal. Suddenly, just as the
stage was starting, he pounded violently on the dining-room table. The
landlord hurried in. The senator wanted a dish of rice-pudding. When it
came he called for a spoon. There wasn't a spoon to be found.

"That shock-headed fellow took 'em!" exclaimed the landlady. "I knew him
for a thief the minute I laid eyes on him."

The landlord jumped to the same conclusion.

"Hustle after that stage!" he shouted to the sheriff, who was untying
his horse from the rail in front of the tavern. "Bring 'em all back.
They've taken the silver!"

A few minutes later the stage, in charge of the sheriff, swung around in
front of the house. The driver was in a fury.

"Search them passengers!" insisted the landlord.

But before the officer could move, the senator opened the stage door,
stepped inside, then leaned out, touched the sheriff's arm and
whispered:

"Tell the landlord he'll find his spoons in the coffee-pot."




SUBWAYS


Any one who has ever traveled on the New York subway in rush hours can
easily appreciate the following:

A little man, wedged into the middle of a car, suddenly thought of
pickpockets, and quite as suddenly remembered that he had some money in
his overcoat. He plunged his hand into his pocket and was somewhat
shocked upon encountering the fist of a fat fellow-passenger.

"Aha!" snorted the latter. "I caught you that time!"

"Leggo!" snarled the little man. "Leggo my hand!"

"Pickpocket!" hissed the fat man.

"Scoundrel!" retorted the little one.

Just then a tall man in their vicinity glanced up from his paper.

"I'd like to get off here," he drawled, "if you fellows don't mind
taking your hands out of my pocket."




SUCCESS


Nothing succeeds like excess.--_Life_.


Nothing succeeds like looking successful.--_Henriette Corkland_.


Success in life often consists in knowing just when to disagree with
one's employer.


A New Orleans lawyer was asked to address the boys of a business school.
He commenced:

"My young friends, as I approached the entrance to this room I noticed
on the panel of the door a word eminently appropriate to an institution
of this kind. It expresses the one thing most useful to the average man
when he steps into the arena of life. It was--"

"Pull," shouted the boys, in a roar of laughter, and the lawyer felt
that he had taken his text from the wrong side of the door.


  I'd rather be a Could Be
    If I could not be an Are;
  For a Could Be is a May Be,
    With a chance of touching par.
  I'd rather be a Has Been
    Than a Might Have Been, by far;
  For a Might Have Been has never been,
    But a Has was once an Are.


  'Tis not in mortals to command success,
  But we'll do more, Sempronius,--
  We'll deserve it.

  --_Addison_.


There are two ways of rising in the world: either by one's own industry
or profiting by the foolishness of others.--_La Bruyère_.


  Success is counted sweetest
  By those who ne'er succeed.

  --_Emily Dickinson_.


_See also_ Making good.




SUFFRAGETTES


When a married woman goes out to look after her rights, her husband is
usually left at home to look after his wrongs.--_Child Harold_.


"'Ullo, Bill, 'ow's things with yer?"

"Lookin' up, Tom, lookin' up."

"Igh cost o' livin' not 'ittin' yer, Bill?"

"Not so 'ard, Tom--not so 'ard. The missus 'as went 'orf on a hunger
stroike and me butcher's bills is cut in arf!"


I'd hate t' be married t' a suffragette an' have t' eat Battle Creek
breakfasts.--_Abe Martin_.


FIRST ENGLISHMAN--"Why do you allow your wife to be a militant
suffragette?"

SECOND ENGLISHMAN--"When she's busy wrecking things outside we have
comparative peace at home."--_Life_.


Recipe for a suffragette:

  To the power that already lies in her hands
    You add equal rights with the gents;
  You'll find votes that used to bring two or three plunks,
    Marked down to ninety-eight cents.


When Mrs. Pankhurst, the English suffragette, was in America she met and
became very much attached to Mrs. Lee Preston, a New York woman of
singular cleverness of mind and personal attraction. After the
acquaintance had ripened somewhat Mrs. Pankhurst ventured to say:

"I do hope, Mrs. Preston, that you are a suffragette."

"Oh, dear no!" replied Mrs. Preston; "you know, Mrs. Pankhurst, I am
happily married."


BILL--"Jake said he was going to break up the suffragette meeting the
other night. Were his plans carried out?"

DILL--"No, Jake was."--_Life_.


SLASHER--"Been in a fight?"

MASHER--"No. I tried to flirt with a pretty suffragette."--_Judge_.


"What sort of a ticket does your suffragette club favor?"

"Well," replied young Mrs. Torkins, "if we owned right up, I think most
of us would prefer matinée tickets."


_See also_ Woman suffrage.




SUICIDE


The Chinese Consul at San Francisco, at a recent dinner, discussed his
country's customs.

"There is one custom," said a young girl, "that I can't understand--and
that is the Chinese custom of committing suicide by eating gold-leaf. I
can't understand how gold-leaf can kill."

"The partaker, no doubt," smiled the Consul, "succumbs from a
consciousness of inward gilt."




SUMMER RESORTS


GABE--"What are you going back to that place for this summer? Why, last
year it was all mosquitoes and no fishing."

STEVE--"The owner tells me that he has crossed the mosquitoes with the
fish, and guarantees a bite every second."


"I suppose," said the city man, "there are some queer characters around
an old village like this."

"You'll find a good many," admitted the native, "when the hotels fill
up."




SUNDAY


Albert was a solemn-eyed, spiritual-looking child. "Nurse," he said one
day, leaving his blocks and laying his hand on her knee, "nurse, is this
God's day?"

"No, dear," said the nurse, "this is not Sunday; it is Thursday."

"I'm so sorry," he said, sadly, and went back to his blocks.

The next day and the next in his serious manner he asked the same
question, and the nurse tearfully said to the cook:

"That child is too good for this world."

On Sunday the question was repeated, and the nurse, with a sob in her
voice, said: "Yes, lambie, this is God's day."

"Then where is the funny paper?" he demanded.


TEACHER-"Good little boys do not skate on Sunday, Corky. Don't you think
that is very nice of them?"

CORKY--"Sure t'ing!"

TEACHER--"And why is it nice of them, Corky?"

CORKY--"Aw, it leaves more room on de ice! See?"


  Of all the days that's in the week,
    I dearly love but one day,
  And that's the day that comes betwixt
    A Saturday and Monday.

  --_Henry Carey_.


O day of rest! How beautiful, how fair,
How welcome to the weary and the old!
Day of the Lord! and truce to earthly care!
Day of the Lord, as all our days should be!

  --_Longfellow_.




SUNDAY SCHOOLS


"Now, Willie," said the superintendent's little boy, addressing the
blacksmith's little boy, who had come over for a frolic, "we'll play
'Sabbath School.' You give me a nickel every Sunday for six months, and
then at Christmas I'll give you a ten-cent bag of candy."


When Lottie returned from her first visit to Sunday-school, she was
asked what she had learned.

"God made the world in six days and was arrested on the seventh day,"
was her version of the lesson imparted.


The teacher asked: "When did Moses live?"

After the silence had become painful she ordered: "Open your Old
Testaments. What does it say there?"

A boy answered: "Moses, 4000."

"Now," said the teacher, "why didn't you know when Moses lived?"

"Well," replied the boy, "I thought it was his telephone
number,"--_Suburban Life_.


"How many of you boys," asked the Sunday-school superintendent, "can
bring two other boys next Sunday?"

There was no response until a new recruit raised his hand hesitatingly.

"Well, William?"

"I can't bring two, but there's one little feller I can lick, and I'll
do my damnedest to bring him."




SUPERSTITION


Superstition is a premature explanation overstaying its time.--_George
Iles_.




SURPRISE


"Where are you goin', ma?" asked the youngest of five children.

"I'm going to a surprise party, my dear," answered the mother.

"Are we all goin', too?"

"No, dear. You weren't invited."

After a few moments' deep thought:

"Say, ma, then don't you think they'd be lots more surprised if you did
take us all?"




SWIMMERS


Two negro roustabouts at New Orleans were continually bragging about
their ability as long distance swimmers and a steamboat man got up a
match. The man who swam the longest distance was to receive $5. The
Alabama Whale immediately stripped on the dock, but the Human Steamboat
said he had some business and would return in a few minutes. The Whale
swam the river four or five times for exercise and by that time the
Human Steamboat returned. He wore a pair of swimming trunks and had a
sheet iron cook stove strapped on his back. Tied around his neck were a
dozen packages containing bread, flour, bacon and other eatables. The
Whale gazed at his opponent in amazement.

"Whar yo' vittles?" demanded the Human Steamboat.

"Vittles fo' what?" asked the Whale.

"Don't yo' ask me fo' nothin' on the way ovah," warned the Steamboat.
"Mah fust stop is New York an' mah next stop is London."




SYMPATHY


A sympathizer is a fellow that's for you as long as it don't cost
anything.


Dwight L. Moody was riding in a car one day when it was hailed by a man
much the worse for liquor, who presently staggered along the car between
two rows of well-dressed people, regardless of tender feet.

Murmurs and complaints arose on all sides and demands were heard that
the offender should be ejected at once.

But amid the storm of abuse one friendly voice was raised. Mr. Moody
rose from his seat, saying:

"No, no, friends! Let the man sit down and be quiet."

The drunken one turned, and, seizing the famous evangelist by the hand,
exclaimed:

"Thank ye, sir--thank ye! I see you know what it is to be drunk."


The man rushed excitedly into the smoking car. "A lady has fainted in
the next car! Has anybody got any whiskey?" he asked.

Instantly a half-dozen flasks were thrust out to him. Taking the nearest
one, he turned the bottle up and took a big drink, then, handing the
flask back, said, "Thank you. It always did make me feel sick to see a
lady faint."


A tramp went to a farmhouse, and sitting down in the front yard began to
eat the grass.

The housewife's heart went out to him: "Poor man, you must indeed be
hungry. Come around to the back."

The tramp beamed and winked at the hired man.

"There," said the housewife, when the tramp hove in sight, pointing to a
circle of green grass, "try that: you will find that grass so much
longer."


Strengthen me by sympathizing with my strength, not my weakness.--_Amos
Bronson Alcott_.




SYNONYMS


"I don't believe any two words in the English language are synonymous."

"Oh, I don't know. What's the matter with 'raise' and 'lift'?"

"There's a big difference. I 'raise' chickens and have a neighbor who
has been known to 'lift' them."




TABLE MANNERS


_See_ Dining.




TACT


It was at the private theatricals, and the young man wished to
compliment his hostess, saying:

"Madam, you played your part splendidly. It fits you to perfection."

"I'm afraid not. A young and pretty woman is needed for that part," said
the smiling hostess.

"But, madam, you have positively proved the contrary."




TAFT, WILLIAM HOWARD


When Mr. Taft was on his campaigning tour in the west, before he had
been elected President, he stopped at the home of an old friend. It was
a small house, not well built, and as he walked about in his room the
unsubstantial little house fairly shook with his tread. When he got into
bed that receptacle, unused to so much weight, gave way, precipitating
Taft on the floor.

His friend hurried to his door.

"What's the matter, Bill?"

"Oh, I'm all right, I guess," Taft called out to his friend
good-naturedly; "but say, Joe, if you don't find me here in the morning
look in the cellar."


One morning a few summers ago President Taft, wearing the largest
bathing suit known to modern times, threw his substantial form into the
cooling waves of Beverly Bay. Shortly afterward one neighbor said to
another: "Let's go bathing."

"How can we?" was the response. "The President is using the ocean."




TALENT


_See_ Actors and actresses.




TALKERS


Some years ago, Mark Twain was a guest of honor at an opera box-party
given by a prominent member of New York society. The hostess had been
particularly talkative all during the performance--to Mr. Clemens's
increasing irritation.

Toward the end of the opera, she turned to him and said gushingly:

"Oh, my dear Mr. Clemens, I do so want you to be with us next Friday
evening. I'm certain you will like it the opera will be 'Tosca.'"

"Charmed, I'm sure," replied Clemens. "I've never heard you in that."


It was a beautiful evening and Ole, who had screwed up courage to take
Mary for a ride, was carried away by the magic of the night.

"Mary," he asked, "will you marry me?"

"Yes, Ole," she answered softly.

Ole lapsed into a silence that at last became painful to his fiancée.

"Ole," she said desperately, "why don't you say something?"

"Ay tank," Ole replied, "they bane too much said already."


"Sir," said the sleek-looking agent, approaching the desk of the meek,
meaching-looking man and opening one of those folding thingumjigs
showing styles of binding, "I believe I can interest you in this massive
set of books containing the speeches of the world's greatest orators.
Seventy volumes, one dollar down and one dollar a month until the price,
six hundred and eighty dollars has been paid. This set of books gives
you the most celebrated speeches of the greatest talkers the world has
ever known and--"

"Let me see the index," said the meek man.

The agent handed it to him and he looked through it carefully and
methodically, running his finger along the list of names.

Reaching the end he handed the index back to the agent and said: "It
isn't what you claim it is. I happen to know the greatest talker in the
world, and you haven't her in the index."


A guest was expected for dinner and Bobby had received five cents as the
price of his silence during the meal. He was as quiet as a mouse until,
discovering that his favorite dessert was being served, he could no
longer curb his enthusiasm. He drew the coin from his pocket, and
rolling it across the table, exclaimed: "Here's your nickel, Mamma. I'd
rather talk."


A belated voyager in search of hilarity stumbled home after one o'clock
and found his wife waiting for him. The curtain lecture that followed
was of unusual virulence, and in the midst of it he fell asleep.
Awakening a few hours later he found his wife still pouring forth a
regular cascade of denunciation. Eyeing her sleepily he said curiously,

"Say, are you talking yet or again?"


"You must not talk all the time, Ethel," said the mother who had been
interrupted.

"When will I be old enough to, Mama?" asked the little girl.


While the late Justice Brewer was judge in a minor court he was
presiding at the trial of a wife's suit for separation and alimony. The
defendant acknowledged that he hadn't spoken to his wife in five years,
and Judge Brewer put in a question.

"What explanation have you," he asked severely, "for not speaking to
your wife in five years?"

"Your Honor," replied the husband, "I didn't like to interrupt the
lady."


She was in an imaginative mood.

"Henry, dear," she said after talking two hours without a recess, "I
sometimes wish I were a mermaid."

"It would be fatal," snapped her weary hubby.

"Fatal! In what way?"

"Why, you couldn't keep your mouth closed long enough to keep from
drowning."

And after that, Henry did not get any supper.


"Here comes Blinkers. He's got a new baby, and he'll talk us to death."

"Well, here comes a neighbor of mine who has a new setter dog. Let's
introduce them and leave them to their fate."--_Life_.


A street-car was getting under way when two women, rushing from opposite
sides of the street to greet each other, met right in the middle of the
car-track and in front of the car. There the two stopped and began to
talk. The car stopped, too, but the women did not appear to realize that
it was there. Certain of the passengers, whose heads were immediately
thrust out of the windows to ascertain what the trouble was, began to
make sarcastic remarks, but the two women heeded them not.

Finally the motorman showed that he had a saving sense of humor. Leaning
over the dash-board, he inquired, in the gentlest of tones:

"Pardon me, ladies, but shall I get you a couple of chairs?"


A--"I used a word in speaking to my wife which offended her sorely a
week ago. She has not spoken a syllable to me since."

B--"Would you mind telling me what it was?"


In general those who have nothing to say Contrive to spend the longest
time in doing it.--_Lowell_.


_See also_ Wives.




TARDINESS


"You'll be late for supper, sonny," said the merchant, in passing a
small boy who was carrying a package.

"No, I won't," was the reply. "I've dot de meat."--_Mabel Long_.


"How does it happen that you are five minutes late at school this
morning?" the teacher asked severely.

"Please, ma'am," said Ethel, "I must have overwashed myself."




TARIFF


Why not have an illuminated sign on the statue of Liberty saying,
"America expects every man to pay his duty?"--_Kent Packard_.




TASTE


"It isn't wise for a painter to be too frank in his criticisms," said
Robert Henri at a luncheon. "I know a very outspoken painter whose
little daughter called at a friend's house and said:

'Show me your new parlor rug, won't you, please?'"

So, with great pride, the hostess led the little girl into the
drawing-room, and raised all the blinds, so that the light might stream
in abundantly upon the gorgeous colors of an expensive Kirmanshah.

The little girl stared down at the rug in silence. Then, as she turned
away, she said in a rather disappointed voice:

"'It doesn't make _me_ sick!'"




TEACHERS


A rural school has a pretty girl as its teacher, but she was much
troubled because many of her pupils were late every morning. At last she
made the announcement that she would kiss the first pupil to arrive at
the schoolhouse the next morning. At sunrise the largest three boys of
her class were sitting on the doorstep of the schoolhouse, and by six
o'clock every boy in the school and four of the directors were waiting
for her to arrive.


"Why did you break your engagement with that school teacher?"

"If I failed to show up at her house every evening, she expected me to
bring a written excuse signed by my mother."


Among the youngsters belonging to a colege settlement in a New England
city was one little girl who returned to her humble home with glowing
accounts of the new teacher.

"She's a perfect lady," exclaimed the enthusiastic youngster.

The child's mother gave her a doubtful look. "How do _you_ know?" she
said. "You've only known her two days."

"It's easy enough tellin'," continued the child. "I know she's a perfect
lady, because she makes you feel polite all the time."


MOTHER--"The teacher complains you have not had a correct lesson for a
month; why is it?"

SON--"She always kisses me when I get them right."


There was a meeting of the new teachers and the old. It was a sort of
love feast, reception or whatever you call it. Anyhow all the teachers
got together and pretended they didn't have a care in the world. After
the eats were et the symposiarch proposed a toast:

"Long Live Our Teachers!"

It was drunk enthusiastically. One of the new teachers was called on to
respond. He modestly accepted. His answer was:

"What On?"


TEACHER--"Now, Willie, where did you get that chewing gum? I want the
truth."

WILLIE--"You don't want the truth, teacher, an' I'd ruther not tell a
lie."

TEACHER--"How dare you say I don't want the truth! Tell me at once where
you got that chewing-gum."

WILLIE--"Under your desk."


  Grave is the Master's look; his forehead wears
  Thick rows of wrinkles, prints of worrying cares:
  Uneasy lie the heads of all that rule,
  His worst of all whose kingdom is a school.

  --_0.W. Holmes_.




TEARS


Two Irishmen who had just landed were eating their dinner in a hotel,
when Pat spied a bottle of horseradish. Not knowing what it was he
partook of a big mouthful, which brought tears to his eyes.

Mike, seeing Pat crying, exclaimed: "Phat be ye cryin' fer?"

Pat, wishing to have Mike fooled also, exclaimed: "I'm crying fer me
poor ould mother, who's dead way over in Ireland."

By and by Mike took some of the radish, whereupon tears filled _his_
eyes. Pat, seeing them, asked his friend what he was crying for.

Mike replied: "Because ye didn't die at the same time yer poor ould
mother did."




TEETH


  There was an old man of Tarentum,
  Who gnashed his false teeth till he bent 'em:
    And when asked for the cost
    Of what he had lost,
  Said, "I really can't tell for I rent 'em!"

  --_Gilbert K. Chesterton_.


Pat came to the office with his jaw very much swollen from a tooth he
desired to have pulled. But when the suffering son of Erin got into the
dentist's chair and saw the gleaming pair of forceps approaching his
face, he positively refused to open his mouth.

The dentist quietly told his office boy to prick his patient with a pin,
and when Pat opened his mouth to yell the dentist seized the tooth, and
out it came.

"It didn't hurt as much as you expected it would, did it?" the dentist
asked smiling.

"Well, no," replied Pat hesitatingly, as if doubting the truthfulness of
his admission. "But," he added, placing his hand on the spot where the
boy jabbed him with the pin, "begorra, little did I think the roots
would reach down like that."


An Irishman with one side of his face badly swollen stepped into Dr.
Wicten's office and inquired if the dentist was in. "I am the dentist,"
said the doctor.

"Well, then, I want ye to see what's the matter wid me tooth."

The doctor examined the offending molar, and explained: "The nerve is
dead; that's what's the matter."

"Thin, be the powers," the Irishman exclaimed, "the other teeth must be
houldin' a wake over it!"


  For there was never yet philosopher
  That could endure the toothache patiently.

  --_Shakespeare_.




TELEPHONE


Two girls were talking over the wire. Both were discussing what they
should wear to the Christmas party. In the midst of this important
conversation a masculine voice interrupted, asking humbly for a number.
One of the girls became indignant and scornfully asked:

"What line do you think you are on, anyhow?"

"Well," said the man, "I am not sure, but, judging from what I have
heard, I should say I was on a clothesline."


When Grover Cleveland's little girl was quite young her father once
telephoned to the White House from Chicago and asked Mrs. Cleveland to
bring the child to the 'phone. Lifting the little one up to the
instrument, Mrs. Cleveland watched her expression change from
bewilderment to wonder and then to fear. It was surely her father's
voice--yet she looked at the telephone incredulously. After examining
the tiny opening in the receiver the little girl burst into tears. "Oh,
Mamma!" she sobbed. "How can we ever get Papa out of that little hole?"


New York Elks are having a lot of fun with a member of their lodge, a
Fifteenth Street jeweler. The other day his wife was in the jewelry
store when the 'phone rang. She answered it.

"I want to speak to Mr. H----," said a woman's voice.

"Who is this?' demanded the jeweler's wife.

"Elizabeth."

"Well, Elizabeth, this is his wife. Now, madam, what do you want?"

"I want to talk to Mr. H----."

"You'll talk to me."

"Please let me speak to Mr. H----."

The jeweler's wife grew angry. "Look here, young lady," she said, "who
are you that calls my husband and insists on talking to him?"

"I'm the telephone operator at Elizabeth, N.J.," came the reply.

And now the Elks take turns calling the jeweler up and telling him it's
Elizabeth.


OPERATOR--"Number, please."

SUBSCRIBER--"I vas talking mit my husband und now I don't hear him any
more. You must of pushed him off de vire."


A German woman called up Central and instructed her as follows:

"Ist dis de mittle? Veil dis is Lena. Hang my hustband on dis line. I
vant to speak mit him."


In China when the subscriber rings up exchange the operator may be
expected to ask:

"What number does the honorable son of the moon and stars desire?"

"Hohi, two-three."

Silence. Then the exchange resumes.

"Will the honorable person graciously forgive the inadequacy of the
insignificant service and permit this humbled slave of the wire to
inform him that the never-to-be-sufficiently censured line is busy?"


Recipe for a telephone operator:

  To fearful and wonderful rolling of "r's,"
    And a voice cold as thirty below,
  Add a dash of red pepper, some ginger and sass
    If you leave out the "o" in "hello"!




TEMPER


Hearing the crash of china Dinah's mistress arrived in time to see her
favorite coffee-set in pieces. The sight was too much for her mercurial
temper. "Dinah," she said, "I cannot stand it any longer. I want you to
go. I want you to go soon, I want you to go right now."

"Lawzee," replied Dinah, "this surely am a co-instence. I was this very
minute cogitatin' that same thought in my own mind--I want to go, I
thank the good Lawd I kin go, and I pity your husband, ma'am, that he
can't go."




TEMPERANCE


A Boston deacon who was a zealous advocate for the cause of temperance
employed a carpenter to make some alterations in his home. In repairing
a corner near the fireplace, it was found necessary to remove the
wainscot, when some things were brought to light which greatly
astonished the workman. A brace of decanters, sundry bottles containing
"something to take," a pitcher, and tumblers were cosily reposing in
their snug quarters. The joiner ran to the proprietor with the
intelligence.

"Well, I declare!" exclaimed the deacon. "That is curious, sure enough.
It must be old Captain Bunce that left those things there when he
occupied the premises thirty years since."

"Perhaps he did, returned the discoverer, but, Deacon, that ice in the
pitcher must have been well frozen to remain solid."--_Abbie C. Dixon_.



  Here's to a temperance supper,
    With water in glasses tall,
  And coffee and tea to end with
    And me not there at all.


The best prohibition story of the season comes from Kansas where, it is
said, a local candidate stored a lot of printed prohibition literature
in his barn, but accidentally left the door open and a herd of milch
cows came in and ate all the pamphlets. As a result every cow in the
herd went dry.--_Adrian Times_.


A Michigan citizen recently received a letter from a Kentucky whisky
house, requesting him to send them the names of a dozen or more persons
who would like to get some fine whisky shipped to them at a very low
price. The letter wound up by saying:

"We will give you a commission on all the orders sent in by parties
whose names you send us."

The Michigan man belonged to a practical joke class, and filled in the
names of some of his prohibition friends on the blank spaces left for
that purpose.

He had forgotten all about his supposed practical joke when Monday he
received another letter from the same house. He supposed it was a
request for some more names, and was just about to throw the
communication in the waste basket when it occurred to him to send the
name of another old friend to the whisky house. He accordingly tore open
the envelope, and came near collapsing when he found a check for $4.80,
representing his commission on the sale of whisky to the parties whose
names he had sent in about three weeks before.


Abstinence is as easy to me as temperance would be difficult.--_Samuel
Johnson_.




TEXAS


The bigness of Texas is evident from a cursory examination of the map.
But its effect upon the people of that state is not generally known. It
is about six hundred miles from Brownsville, at the bottom of the map,
to Dallas, which is several hundreds of miles from the top of the map.
Hence the following conversation in Brownsville recently between two of
the old-time residents:

"Where have you been lately, Bob? I ain't seen much of you."

"Been on a trip north."

"Where'd you go?"

"Went to Dallas."

"Have a good time?"

"Naw; I never did like them damn Yankees, anyway."




TEXTS


In the Tennessee mountains a mountaineer preacher, who had declared
colleges "the works of the devil," was preaching without previous
meditation an inspirational sermon from the text, "The voice of the
turtle shall be heard in the land." Not noting that the margin read
"turtle-dove," he proceeded in this manner:

"This text, my hearers, strikes me as one of the most peculiar texts in
the whole book, because we all know that a turtle ain't got no voice.
But by the inward enlightenment I begin to see the meaning and will
expose it to you. Down in the hollers by the streams and ponds you have
gone in the springtime, my brethren, and observed the little turtles,
a-sleeping on the logs. But at the sound of the approach of a human
being, they went _kerflop-kerplunk_, down into the water. This I say,
then, is the meaning of the prophet: he, speakinging figgeratively,
referred to the _kerflop_ of the turtle as the _voice_ of the turtle,
and hence we see that in those early times the prophet, looking down at
the ages to come, clearly taught and prophesied the doctrine I have
always preached to this congregation--_that immersion is the only form
of baptism."_


John D. Rockefeller, Jr., once asked a clergyman to give him an
appropriate Bible verse on which to base an address which he was to make
at the latter's church.

"I was thinking," said young Rockefeller, "that I would take the verse
from the Twenty-third Psalm: 'The Lord is my shepherd.' Would that seem
appropriate?"

"Quite," said the clergyman; "but do you really want an appropriate
verse?"

"I certainly do," was the reply.

"Well, then," said the clergyman, with a twinkle in his eye, "I would
select the verse in the same Psalm: 'Thou anointest my head with oil; my
cup runneth over.'"




THEATER


"Say, old man," chattered the press-agent, who had cornered a producer
of motion-picture plays, "I've got a grand idea for a film-drama. Listen
to the impromptu scenario: Scene one, exterior of a Broadway theater,
with the ticket-speculators getting the coin in handfuls, and--"

"You're out!" interrupted the producer. "Why, don't you know that the
law don't permit us to show an actual robbery on the screen?"--_P.H.
Carey_.


"Why don't women have the same sense of humor that men possess?" asked
Mr. Torkins.

"Perhaps," answered his wife gently, "it's because we don't attend the
same theaters."


It appears that at the rehearsal of a play, a wonderful climax had been
reached, which was to be heightened by the effective use of the usual
thunder and lightning. The stage-carpenter was given the order. The
words were spoken, and instantly a noise which resembled a succession of
pistol-shots was heard off the wings.

"What on earth are you doing, man?" shouted the manager, rushing behind
the scenes. "Do you call that thunder? It's not a bit like it."

"Awfully sorry, sir," responded the carpenter; "but the fact is, sir, I
couldn't hear you because of the storm. That was real thunder, sir!"


Everybody has his own theater, in which he is manager, actor, prompter,
playwright, sceneshifter, boxkeeper, doorkeeper, all in one, and
audience into the bargain.--_J.C. and A.W. Hare_.




THIEVES


GEORGIA LAWYER (to colored prisoner)--"Well, Ras, so you want me to
defend you. Have you any money?"

RASTUS--"No; but I'se got a mule, and a few chickens, and a hog or two."

LAWYER--"Those will do very nicely. Now, let's see; what do they accuse
you of stealing?"

RASTUS--"Oh, a mule, and a few chickens, and a hog or two."


At a dinner given by the prime minister of a little kingdom on the
Balkan Peninsula, a distinguished diplomat complained to his host that
the minister of justice, who had been sitting on his left, had stolen
his watch.

"Ah, he shouldn't have done that," said the prime minister, in tones of
annoyance. "I will get it back for you."

Sure enough, toward the end of the evening the watch was returned to its
owner.

"And what did he say?" asked the diplomat.

"Sh-h," cautioned the host, glancing anxiously about him. "He doesn't
know that I have got it back."


Senator "Bob" Taylor, of Tennessee, tells a story of how, when he was
"Fiddling Bob," governor of that state, an old negress came to him and
said:

"Massa Gov'na, we's mighty po' this winter, and Ah wish you would pardon
mah old man. He is a fiddler same as you is, and he's in the
pen'tentry."

"What was he put in for?" asked the governor.

"Stead of workin' fo' it that good-fo'-nothin' nigger done stole some
bacon."

"If he is good for nothing what do you want him back for?"

"Well, yo' see, we's all out of bacon ag'in," said the old negress
innocently.


"Did ye see as Jim got ten years' penal for stealing that 'oss?"

"Serve 'im right, too. Why didn't 'e buy the 'oss and not pay for 'im
like any other gentleman?"


Some time ago a crowd of Bowery sports went over to Philadelphia to see
a prize fight. One "wise guy," who, among other things, is something of
a pickpocket, was so sure of the result that he was willing to bet on
it.

"The Kid's goin' t' win. It's a pipe," he told a friend.

The friend expressed doubts.

"Sure he'll win," the pickpocket persisted. "I'll bet you a gold watch
he wins."

Still the friend doubted.

"Why," exclaimed the pickpocket, "I'm willin' to bet you a good gold
watch he wins! Y' know what I'll do? Come through the train with me now,
an' y' can pick out any old watch y' like."


  In vain we call old notions fudge
    And bend our conscience to our dealing.

  The Ten Commandments will not budge
    And stealing will continue stealing.

  --_Motto of American Copyright League_.


  Suspicion always haunts the guilty mind;
  The thief doth fear each bush an officer.

  --_Shakespeare_.


_See also_ Chicken stealing; Lawyers; Lost and found.




THIN PEOPLE


  There was an old fellow named Green,
  Who grew so abnormally lean,
    And flat, and compressed,
    That his back touched his chest,
  And sideways he couldn't be seen.

  There was a young lady of Lynn,
  Who was so excessively thin,
    That when she essayed
    To drink lemonade
  She slipped through the straw and fell in.




THRIFT


It was said of a certain village "innocent" or fool in Scotland that if
he were offered a silver sixpence or copper penny he would invariably
choose the larger coin of smaller value. One day a stranger asked him:

"Why do you always take the penny? Don't you know the difference in
value?

"Aye," answered the fool, "I ken the difference in value. But if I took
the saxpence they would never try me again."


  The Mrs. never misses
    Any bargain sale,
  For the female of the species
    Is more thrifty than the male.


MCANDREWS (the chemist, at two A.M.)--"Two penn'orth of bicarbonate of
soda for indigestion at this time o' night, when a glass of hot water
does just as well!"

SANDY (hastily)--"Well, well! Thanks for the advice. I'll not bother ye,
after all. Gude nicht!"


The foreman and his crew of bridgemen were striving hard to make an
impression on the select board provided by Mrs. Rooney at her Arkansas
eating establishment.

"The old man sure made a funny deal down at Piney yesterday," observed
the foreman, with a wink at the man to his right.

"What'd he do?" asked the new man at the other end of the table.

"Well, a year or so ago there used to be a water tank there, but they
took down the tub and brought it up to Cabin Creek. The well went dry
and they covered it over. It was four or five feet round, ninety feet
deep, and plumb in the right of way. Didn't know what to do with it
until along comes an old lollypop yesterday and gives the Old Man five
dollars for it."

"Five dollars for what?" asked the new man.

"Well," continued the foreman, ignoring the interruption, "that old
lollypop borrowed two jacks from the trackmen and jacked her up out of
there and carried her home on wheels.'

"What'd he do with it?" persisted the new man.

"Say that old lollypop must've been a Yank. Nobody else could have
figured it out. The ground on his place is hard and he needed some more
fence. So he calc'lated 'twould be easier and cheaper to saw that old
well up into post-holes than 'twould be to dig 'em."


A certain workman, notorious for his sponging proclivities, met a friend
one morning, and opened the conversation by saying:

"Can ye len' us a match, John?"

John having supplied him with the match, the first speaker began to feel
his pockets ostentatiously, and then remarked dolefully, "Man, I seem to
have left my tobacco pouch at hame."

John, however, was equal to the occasion, and holding out his hand,
remarked:

"Aweel, ye'll no be needin' that match then."


A Highlander was summoned to the bedside of his dying father. When he
arrived the old man was fast nearing his end. For a while he remained
unconscious of his son's presence. Then at last the old man's eyes
opened, and he began to murmur. The son bent eagerly to listen.

"Dugald," whispered the parent, "Luckie Simpson owes me five shilling."

"Ay, man, ay," said the son eagerly.

"An" Dugal More owes me seven shillins."

"Ay," assented the son.

"An' Hamish McCraw owes me ten shillins."

"Sensible tae the last," muttered the delighted heir. "Sensible tae the
last."

Once more the voice from the bed took up the tale.

"An', Dugald, I owe Calum Beg two pounds."

Dugald shook his head sadly.

"Wanderin' again, wanderin' again," he sighed. "It's a peety."


The canny Scot wandered into the pharmacy.

"I'm wanting threepenn'orth o' laudanum," he announced.

"What for?" asked the chemist suspiciously.

"For twopence," responded the Scot at once.


A Scotsman wishing to know his fate at once, telegraphed a proposal of
marriage to the lady of his choice. After spending the entire day at the
telegraph office he was finally rewarded late in the evening by an
affirmative answer.

"If I were you," suggested the operator when he delivered the message,
"I'd think twice before I'd marry a girl that kept me waiting all day
for my answer."

"Na, na," retorted the Scot. "The lass who waits for the night rates is
the lass for me."


"Well, yes," said Old Uncle Lazzenberry, who was intimately acquainted
with most of the happenstances of the village, "Almira Stang has broken
off her engagement with Charles Henry Tootwiler. They'd be goin'
together for about eight years, durin' which time she had been
inculcatin' into him, as you might call it, the beauties of economy;
but when she discovered, just lately, that he had learnt his lesson so
well that he had saved up two hundred and seventeen pairs of socks for
her to darn immediately after the wedding, she 'peared to conclude that
he had taken her advice a little too literally, and broke off the
match."--_Puck_.


They sat each at an extreme end of the horsehair sofa. They had been
courting now for something like two years, but the wide gap between had
always been respectfully preserved.

"A penny for your thochts, Sandy," murmured Maggie, after a silence of
an hour and a half.

"Weel," replied Sandy slowly, with surprising boldness, "tae tell ye the
truth, I was jist thinkin' how fine it wad be if ye were tae gie me a
wee bit kissie."

"I've nae objection," simpered Maggie, slithering over, and kissed him
plumply on the tip of his left ear.

Sandy relapsed into a brown study once more, and the clock ticked
twenty-seven minutes.

"An' what are ye thinkin' about noo--anither, eh?"

"Nae, nae, lassie; it's mair serious the noo."

"Is it, laddie?" asked Maggie softly. Her heart was going pit-a-pat with
expectation. "An' what micht it be?"

"I was jist thinkin'," answered Sandy, "that it was aboot time ye were
paying me that penny!"


The coward calls himself cautious, the miser thrifty.--_Syrus_.

There are but two ways of paying debt: increase of industry in raising
income, increase of thrift in laying out.--_Carlyle_.


_See also_ Economy; Saving.




TIDES


A Kansan sat on the beach at Atlantic City watching a fair and very fat
bather disporting herself in the surf. He knew nothing of tides, and he
did not notice that each succeeding wave came a little closer to his
feet. At last an extra big wave washed over his shoe tops.

"Hey, there!" he yelled at the fair, fat bather. "Quit yer jumpin' up
and down! D'ye want to drown me?"


At a recent Confederate reunion in Charleston, S.C., two Kentuckians
were viewing the Atlantic Ocean for the first time.

"Say, cap'n," said one of them, "what ought I to carry home to the
children for a souvenir?"

"Why, colonel, it strikes me that some of this here ocean water would be
right interestin'."

"Just the thing!" exclaimed the colonel delightedly. From a rear pocket
he produced a flask, and, with the aid of the captain, soon emptied it.
Then, picking his way down to the water's edge, he filled it to the neck
and replaced the cork.

"Hi, there! Don't do that!" cried the captain in great alarm. "Pour out
about a third of that water. If you don't, when the tide rises she'll
bust sure."


Nae man can tether time or tide.--_Burns_.




TIME


Mrs. Hooligan was suffering from the common complaint of having more to
do than there was time to do it in. She looked up at the clock and then
slapped the iron she had lifted from the stove back on the lid with a
clatter. "Talk about toime and toide waitin' fer no man," she muttered
as she hurried into the pantry; "there's toimes they waits, an' toimes
they don't. Yistherday at this blessed minit 'twas but tin o'clock an'
to-day it's a quarther to twilve."


MRS. MURPHY--"Oi hear yer brother-in-law, Pat Keegan, is pretty bad
off."

MRS. CASEY--"Shure, he's good for a year yit."

MRS. MURPHY--"As long as thot?"

MRS. CASEY--"Yis; he's had four different doctors, and each one av thim
give him three months to live."--_Puck_.


A long-winded attorney was arguing a technical case before one of the
judges of the superior court in a western state. He had rambled on in
such a desultory way that it became very difficult to follow his line of
thought, and the judge had just yawned very suggestively.

With just a trace of sarcasm in his voice, the tiresome attorney
ventured to observe: "I sincerely trust that I am not unduly trespassing
on the time of this court."

"My friend," returned his honor, "there is a considerable difference
between trespassing on time and encroaching upon eternity."--_Edwin
Tarrisse_.


A traveler, finding that he had a couple of hours in Dublin, called a
cab and told the driver to drive him around for two hours. At first all
went well, but soon the driver began to whip up his horse so that they
narrowly escaped several collisions.

"What's the matter?" demanded the passenger. "Why are you driving so
recklessly? I'm in no hurry."

"Ah, g'wan wid yez," retorted the cabby. "D'ye think thot I'm goin' to
put in me whole day drivin' ye around for two hours? Gitap!"


Frank comes into the house in a sorry plight.

"Mercy on us!" exclaims his father. "How you look! You are soaked."

"Please, papa, I fell into the canal."

"What! with your new trousers on?"

"Yes, papa, I didn't have time to take them off."


A well-known Bishop, while visiting at a bride's new home for the first
time, was awakened quite early by the soft tones of a soprano voice
singing "Nearer, My God, to Thee." As the Bishop lay in bed he meditated
upon the piety which his young hostess must possess to enable her to
begin her day's work in such a beautiful frame of mind.

At breakfast he spoke to her about it, and told her how pleased he was.

"Oh," she replied, "that's the hymn I boil the eggs by; three verses for
soft and five for hard."


  There was a young woman named Sue,
  Who wanted to catch the 2:02;
    Said the trainman, "Don't hurry
    Or flurry or worry;
  It's a minute or two to 2:02."


FATHER--"Mildred, if you disobey again I will surely spank you."

On father's return home that evening, Mildred once more acknowledged
that she had again disobeyed.

FATHER (firmly)--"You are going to be spanked. You may choose your own
time. When shall it be?"

MILDRED (five years old, thoughtfully)--"Yesterday."


A northerner passing a rundown looking place in the South, stopped to
chat with the farmer. He noticed the hogs running wild and explained
that in the North the farmers fattened their hogs much faster by
shutting them in and feeding them well.

"Hell!" replied the southerner, "What's time to a hog."


Dost thou love life? Then waste not time; for time is the stuff that
life is made of.--_Benjamin Franklin_.


  Time fleeth on,
  Youth soon is gone,
    Naught earthly may abide;
  Life seemeth fast,
  But may not last
    It runs as runs the tide.

  --_Leland_.


_See also_ Scientific management.




TIPS


American travelers in Europe experience a great deal of trouble from the
omnipresent need of tipping those from whom they expect any service,
however slight. They are very apt to carry it much too far, or else
attempt to resist it altogether. There is a story told of a wealthy and
ostentatious American in a Parisian restaurant. As the waiter placed
the order before him he said in a loud voice:

"Waiter, what is largest tip you ever received?"

"One thousand francs, monsieur."

"_Eh bien_! But I will give you two thousand," answered the upholder of
American honor; and then in a moment he added: "May I ask who gave you
the thousand francs?"

"It was yourself, monsieur," said the obsequious waiter.

Of quite an opposite mode of thought was another American visiting
London for the first time. Goaded to desperation by the incessant
necessity for tips, he finally entered the washroom of his hotel, only
to be faced with a large sign which read: "Please tip the basin after
using." "I'm hanged if I will!" said the Yankee, turning on his heel,
"I'll go dirty first!"


Grant Alien relates that he was sitting one day under the shade of the
Sphinx, turning for some petty point of detail to his Baedeker.

A sheik looked at him sadly, and shook his head. "Murray good," he said
in a solemn voice of warning; "Baedeker no good. What for you see
Baedeker?"

"No, no; Baedeker is best," answered Mr. Alien. "Why do you object to
Baedeker?"

The shick crossed his hands, and looked down at him with the pitying
eyes of Islam. "Baedeker bad book," he repeated; "Murray very, very
good. Murray say, 'Give the sheik half a crown'; Baedeker say, 'Give the
sheik a shilling.'"


"What do you consider the most important event in the history of Paris?"

"Well," replied the tourist, who had grown weary of distributing tips,
"so far as financial prosperity is concerned, I should say the discovery
of America was the making of this town."


In telling this one, Miss Glaser always states that she does not want it
understood that she considers the Scotch people at all stingy; but they
are a very careful and thrifty race.

An intimate friend of her's was very anxious to have a well known
Scotchman meet Miss Glaser, and gave her a letter of introduction to
him. Miss Glaser, wishing to show him all the attention possible,
invited him to a dinner which she was giving in London and after rather
an elaborate repast the bill was paid, the waiter returning five
shillings. She let it lie, intending, of course, to give it to the
waiter. The Scotchman glanced at the money very frequently, and finally
he said, his natural thrift getting the best of him:

"Are you going to give all that to the waiter?"

In a inimitable way, Miss Glaser quietly replied:

"No, take some."


"A tip is a small sum of money you give to somebody because you're
afraid he won't like not being paid for something you haven't asked him
to do."--_The Bailie, Glasgow_.




TITLES OF HONOR AND NOBILITY


An English lord was traveling through this country with a small party of
friends. At a farmhouse the owner invited the party in to supper. The
good housewife, while preparing the table, discovering she was
entertaining nobility, was nearly overcome with surprise and elation.

While seated at the table scarcely a moment's peace did she grant her
distinguished guest in her endeavor to serve and please him. It was "My
Lord, will you have some of this?" and "My Lord, do try that," "Take a
piece of this, my Lord," until the meal was nearly finished.

The little four-year-old son of the family, heretofore unnoticed, during
a moment of supreme quiet saw his lordship trying to reach the
pickle-dish, which was just out of his reach, and turning to his mother
said:

"Say, Ma, God wants a pickle."


Dean Stanley was once visiting a friend who gave one of the pages strict
orders that in the morning he was to go and knock at the Dean's door,
and when the Dean inquired who was knocking he was to say: "The boy, my
Lord." According to directions he knocked and the Dean asked: "Who is
there?" Embarrassed by the voice of the great man the page answered:
"The Lord, my boy."


"How did he get his title of colonel?"

"He got it to distinguish him from his wife's first husband, who was a
captain, and his wife's second husband, who was a major."


For titles do not reflect honor on men, but rather men on their
titles.--_Machiavelli_.


I hope I shall always possess firmness and virtue enough to maintain
what I consider the most enviable of all titles, the character of an
"Honest Man."--_George Washington_.




TOASTS


_See_ Drinking; Good fellowship; Woman.




TOBACCO


"Tobaccy wanst saved my life," said Paddy Blake, an inveterate smoker.
"How was that?" inquired his companion. "Ye see, I was diggin' a well,
and came up for a good smoke, and while I was up the well caved in."


_See also_ Smoking.




TOURISTS


_See_ Liars; Travelers.




TRADE UNIONS


CHAIRMAN OF THE COMMITTEE--"Is this the place where you are happy all
the time?"

ST. PETER (proudly)--"It is, sir."

"Well, I represent the union, and if we come in we can only agree to be
happy eight hours a day."




TRAMPS


LADY--"Can't you find work?"

TRAMP--"Yessum; but everyone wants a reference from my last employer."

LADY--"And can't you get one?"

TRAMP--"No, mum. Yer see, he's been dead twenty-eight years."




TRANSMUTATION


Fred Stone, of Montgomery and Stone fame, and Eugene Wood, whose stories
and essays are well known, met on Broadway recently. They stopped for a
moment to exchange a few cheerful views, when a woman in a particularly
noticeable sheath-gown passed. Simultaneously, Wood turned to Stone;
Stone turned to Wood; then both turned to rubber.




TRAVELERS


An American tourist, who was stopping in Tokio had visited every point
of interest and had seen everything to be seen except a Shinto funeral.
Finally she appealed to the Japanese clerk of the hotel, asking him to
instruct her guide to take her to one. The clerk was politeness itself.
He bowed gravely and replied: "I am very sorry, Madam, but this is not
the season for funerals."


A gentleman whose travel-talks are known throughout the world tells the
following on himself:

"I was booked for a lecture one night at a little place in Scotland four
miles from a railway station.

"The 'chairman' of the occasion, after introducing me as 'the mon wha's
coom here tae broaden oor intellects,' said that he felt a wee bit of
prayer would not be out of place.

"'O Lord,' he continued, 'put it intae the heart of this mon tae speak
the truth, the hale truth, and naething but the truth, and gie us grace
tae understan' him.'

"Then, with a glance at me, the chairman said, 'I've been a traveler
meself!'"--_Fenimore Marlin_.


Two young Americans touring Italy for the first time stopped off one
night at Pisa, where they fell in with a convivial party at a cafe.
Going hilariously home one pushed the other against a building and held
him there.

"Great heavens!" cried the man next the wall, suddenly glancing up at
the structure above him. "See what we're doing!" Both roisterers fled.

They left town on an early morning train, not thinking it safe to stay
over and see the famous leaning tower.


Mr. Hiram Jones had just returned from a personally conducted tour of
Europe.

"I suppose," commented a friend, "that when you were in England you did
as the English do and dropped your H's."

"No," moodily responded the returned traveller; "I didn't. I did as the
Americans do. I dropped my V's and X's."

Then he slowly meandered down to the bank to see if he couldn't get the
mortgage extended.--_W. Hanny_.


A number of tourists were recently looking down the crater of Vesuvius.
An American gentleman said to his companion.

"That looks a good deal like the infernal regions."

An English lady, overhearing the remark, said to another:

"Good gracious! How these Americans do travel."


An American tourist hailing from the west was out sight-seeing in
London. They took him aboard the old battle-ship _Victory_, which was
Lord Nelson's flagship in several of his most famous naval triumphs. An
English sailor escorted the American over the vessel, and coming to a
raised brass tablet on the deck he said, as he reverently removed his
hat:

"'Ere, sir, is the spot where Lord Nelson fell."

"Oh, is it?" replied the American, blankly. "Well, that ain't nothin'. I
nearly tripped on the blame thing myself."


On one of the famous scenic routes of the west there is a brakeman who
has lost the forefinger of his right hand.

His present assignment as rear-end brakeman on a passenger train places
him in the observation car, where he is the target for an almost
unceasing fusillade of questions from tourists who insist upon having
the name, and, if possible, the history, of all the mountain cañons and
points of interest along the route.

One especially enthusiastic lady tourist had kept up her Gattling fire
of questions until she had thoroughly mastered the geography of the
country. Then she ventured to ask the brakeman how he had lost his
finger:

"Cut off in making a coupling between cars, I suppose?"

"No, madam; I wore that finger off pointing out scenery to tourists."


Know most of the rooms of thy native country before thou goest over the
threshold thereof.--_Fuller_.

When I was at home, I was in a better place; but travelers must be
content.--_Shakespeare_.

As the Spanish proverb says, "He who would bring home the wealth of the
Indies must carry the wealth of the Indies with him." So it is in
traveling: a man must carry knowledge with him, if he would bring home
knowledge.--_Samuel Johnson_.




TREASON


It was during the Parnell agitation in Ireland that an anti-Parnellite,
criticising the ways of tenants in treating absentee landlords,
exclaimed to Archbishop Ryan of Philadelphia: "Why, it looks very much
like treason."

Instantly came the answer in the Archbishop's best brogue: "Sure,
treason is reason when there's an absent 't'."


  Treason doth never prosper: what's the reason?
  Why if it prosper, none dare call it treason.




TREES


CURIOUS CHARLEY--"Do nuts grow on trees, father?"

FATHER--"They do, my son."

CURIOUS CHARLEY--"Then what tree does the doughnut grow on?"

FATHER--"The pantry, my son."




TRIGONOMETRY


A prisoner was brought before a police magistrate. He looked around and
discovered that his clerk was absent. "Here, officer," he said, "what's
this man charged with?"

"Bigotry, your Honor," replied the policeman. "He's got three wives."

The magistrate looked at the officer as though astounded at such
ignorance. "Why, officer," he said, "that's not bigotry--that's
trigonometry."




TROUBLE


"What is the trouble, wifey?"

"Nothing."

"Yes, there is. What are you crying about, something that happened at
home or something that happened in a novel?"


It was married men's night at the revival meeting.

"Let all you husbands who have troubles on your minds stand up!" shouted
the preacher at the height of his spasm.

Instantly every man in the church arose except one.

"Ah!" exclaimed the preacher, peering out at this lone individual, who
occupied a chair near the door. "You are one in a million."

"It ain't that," piped back this one helplessly as the rest of the
congregation gazed suspiciously at him: "I can't get up--I'm paralyzed!"


JUDGE--"Your innocence is proved. You are acquitted."

PRISONER (to the jury)--"Very sorry, indeed, gentlemen, to have given
you all this trouble for nothing."


A friend of mine, returning to his home in Virginia after several years'
absence, met one of the old negroes, a former servant of his family.
"Uncle Moses," he said, "I hear you got married."

"Yes, Marse Tom, I is, and I's having a moughty troublesome time, Marse
Tom, moughty troublesome."

"What's the trouble?" said my friend.

"Why, dat yaller woman, Marse Tom. She all de time axin' me fer money.
She don't give me no peace."

"How long have you been married, Uncle Moses?"

"Nigh on ter two years, come dis spring."

"And how much money have you given her?"

"Well, I ain't done gin her none yit."--_Sue M.M. Halsey_.


If you want to forget all your other troubles, wear tight shoes.


Never bear more than one kind of trouble at a time. Some people bear
three--all they have had, all they have now, and all they expect to
have.--_Edward Everett Hale_.




TRUSTS


A trust is known by the companies it keeps.--_Ellis O. Jones_.


TOMPKINS--"Ventley has received a million dollars for his patent egg
dating machine. You know it is absolutely interference-proof, and dates
correctly and indelibly as the egg is being laid."

DEWLEY--"Is the machine on the market yet?"

TOMKINS--"Oh, my no! and it won't be on the market. The patent was
bought by the Cold Storage Trust."




TRUTH


  There was a young lady named Ruth,
  Who had a great passion for truth.
    She said she would die
    Before she would lie,
  And she died in the prime of her youth.


Women do not really like to deceive their husbands, but they are too
tender-hearted to make them unhappy by telling them the truth.


Nature ... has buried truth deep in the bottom of the
sea.--_Democritus_.


"Tis strange--but true; for truth is always strange, Stranger than
fiction."--_Byron_.




TURKEYS


"Ah," says the Christmas guest. "How I wish I could sit down to a
Christmas dinner with one of those turkeys we raised on the farm, when I
was a boy, as the central figure!"

"Well," says the host, "you never can tell. This may be one of
them."--_Life_.




TUTORS


  A tutor who tooted a flute
   Tried to teach two young tooters to toot.
     Said the two to the tutor,
     "Is it harder to toot, or
   To tutor two tutors to toot?"

  --_Carolyn Wells_.




TWINS


"Faith, Mrs. O'Hara, how d' ye till thim twins aparrt?"

"Aw, 't is aisy--I sticks me finger in Dinnis's mouth, an' if he bites I
know it's Moike."--_Harvard Lampoon_.




UMBRELLAS


A man left his umbrella in the stand in a hotel recently, with a card
bearing the following inscription attached to it: "This umbrella belongs
to a man who can deal a blow of 250 pounds weight. I shall be back in
ten minutes." On returning to seek his property he found in its place a
card thus inscribed: "This card was left here by a man who can run
twelve miles an hour. I shall not be back."


A reputable citizen had left four umbrellas to be repaired. At noon he
had luncheon in a restaurant, and as he was departing he absent-mindedly
started to take an umbrella from a hook near his hat.

"That's mine, sir," said a woman at the next table.

He apologized and went out. When he was going home in a street car with
his four repaired umbrellas, the woman he had seen in the restaurant got
in. She glanced from him to his umbrellas and said:

"I see you had a good day."


"That's a swell umbrella you carry."

"Isn't it?"

"Did you come by it honestly?"

"I haven't quite figured out. It started to rain the other day and I
stepped into a doorway to wait till it stopped. Then I saw a young
fellow coming along with a nice large umbrella, and I thought if he was
going as far as my house I would beg the shelter of his timbershoot. So
I stepped out and asked: 'Where are you going with that umbrella, young
fellow?' and he dropped the umbrella and ran."


One day a man exhibited a handsome umbrella. "It's wonderful how I make
things last," he exclaimed. "Look at this umbrella, now. I bought it
eleven years ago. Since then I had it recovered twice. I had new ribs
put in in 1910, and last month I exchanged it for a new one in a
restaurant. And here it is--as good as new."




VALUE


"The trouble with father," said the gilded youth, "is that he has no
idea of the value of money."

"You don't mean to imply that he is a spendthrift?"

"Not at all. But he puts his money away and doesn't appear to have any
appreciation of all the things he might buy with it."




VANITY


MCGORRY--"I'll buy yez no new hat, d' yez moind thot? Ye are vain enough
ahlriddy."

MRS. MCGORRY--"Me vain? Oi'm not! Shure, Oi don't t'ink mesilf half as
good lookin' as Oi am."


"Of course," said a suffragette lecturer, "I admit that women are vain
and men are not. There are a thousand proofs that this is so. Why, the
necktie of the handsomest man in the room is even now up the back of his
collar." There were six men present and each of them put his hand gently
behind his neck.


A New York woman of great beauty called one day upon a friend, bringing
with her her eleven-year-old daughter, who gives promise of becoming as
great a beauty as her mother.

It chanced that the callers were shown into a room where the friend had
been receiving a milliner, and there were several beautiful hats lying
about. During the conversation the little girl amused herself by
examining the milliner's creations. Of the number that she tried on, she
seemed particularly pleased with a large black affair which set off her
light hair charmingly. Turning to her mother, the little girl said:

"I look just like you now, Mother, don't I?"

"Sh!" cautioned the mother, with uplifted finger. "Don't be vain, dear."


That which makes the vanity of others unbearable to us is that which
wounds our own.--_La Rochefoucauld_.




VERSATILITY


A clergyman who advertised for an organist received this reply:

    "_Dear Sir_:

    "I notice you have a vacancy for an organist and music
    teacher, either lady or gentleman. Having been both for
    several years I beg to apply for the position."




VOICE


A lanky country youth entered the crossroads general store to order some
groceries. He was seventeen years old and was passing through that stage
of adolescence during which a boy seems all hands and feet, and his
vocal organs, rapidly developing, are wont to cause his voice to undergo
sudden and involuntary changes from high treble to low bass.

In an authoritative rumbling bass voice he demanded of the busy clerk,
"Give me a can of corn" (then, his voice suddenly changing to a shrill
falsetto, he continued) "and a sack of flour."

"Well, don't be in a hurry. I can't wait on both of you at once,"
snapped the clerk.


ASPIRING VOCALIST--"Professor, do you think I will ever be able to do
anything with my voice?"

PERSPIRING TEACHER--"Well it might come in handy in case of fire or
shipwreck."--_Cornell Widow_.


  The devil hath not, in all his quiver's choice,
  An arrow for the heart like a sweet voice.

  --_Byron_.




WAGES


"Me gotta da good job," said Pictro, as he gave the monkey a little more
line after grinding out on his organ a selection from "Santa Lucia."
"Getta forty dollar da month and eata myself; thirty da month if da boss
eata me."


Commenting on the comparatively small salaries allowed by Congress for
services rendered in the executive branch of the Government and the more
liberal pay of some of the officials, a man in public life said:

"It reminds me of the way a gang of laborers used to be paid down my
way. The money was thrown at a ladder, and what stuck to the rungs went
to the workers, while that which fell through went to the bosses."


A certain prominent lawyer of Toronto is in the habit of lecturing his
office staff from the junior partner down, and Tommy, the office boy,
comes in for his full share of the admonition. That his words were
appreciated was made evident to the lawyer by a conversation between
Tommy and another office boy on the same floor which he recently
overheard.

"Wotcher wages?" asked the other boy.

"Ten thousand a year," replied Tommy.

"Aw, g'wan!"

"Sure," insisted Tommy, unabashed. "Four dollars a week in cash, an' de
rest in legal advice."


While an Irishman was gazing in the window of a Washington bookstore the
following sign caught his eye:

  DICKENS' WORKS
  ALL THIS WEEK FOR
  ONLY $4.OO

"The divvle he does!" exclaimed Pat in disgust. "The dirty scab!"


The difference between wages and salary is--when you receive wages you
save two dollars a month, when you receive salary you borrow two dollars
a month.


He is well paid that is well satisfied.--_Shakespeare_.


The ideal social state is not that in which each gets an equal amount of
wealth, but in which each gets in proportion to his contribution to the
general stock.--_Henry George_.




WAITERS


Recipe for a waiter:

  Stuff a hired dress-suit case with an effort to please,
    Add a half-dozen stumbles and trips;
  Remove his right thumb from the cranberry sauce,
    Roll in crumbs, melted butter and tips.

  --_Life_.




WAR


"Flag of truce, Excellency."

"Well, what do the revolutionists want?"

"They would like to exchange a couple of Generals for a can of condensed
milk."


If you favor war, dig a trench in your backyard, fill it half full of
water, crawl into it, and stay there for a day or two without anything
to eat, get a lunatic to shoot at you with a brace of revolvers and a
machine gun, and you will have something just as good, and you will save
your country a great deal of expense.


"Who are those people who are cheering?" asked the recruit as the
soldiers marched to the train.

"Those," replied the veteran, "are the people who are not
going."--_Puck_.


  He who did well in war, just earns the right
  To begin doing well in peace.

  --_Robert Browning_.


A great and lasting war can never be supported on this principle
[patriotism] alone. It must be aided by a prospect of interest, or some
reward.--_George Washington_.


_See also_ Arbitration, International; European War.




WARNINGS


Pietro had drifted down to Florida and was working with a gang at
railroad construction. He had been told to beware of rattlesnakes, but
assured that they would always give the warning rattle before striking.

One hot day he was eating his noon luncheon on a pine log when he saw a
big rattler coiled a few feet in front of him. He eyed the serpent and
began to lift his legs over the log. He had barely got them out of the
way when the snake's fangs hit the bark beneath him.

"Son of a guna!" yelled Pietro. "Why you no ringa da bell?"




WASHINGTON, GEORGE


A Barnegat schoolma'am had been telling her pupils something about
George Washington, and finally she asked:

"Can any one now tell me which Washington was--a great general or a
great admiral?"

The small son of a fisherman raised his hand, and she signaled him to
speak.

"He was a great general," said the boy. "I seen a picture of him
crossing the Delaware, and no great admiral would put out from shore
standing up in a skiff."


A Scotsman visiting America stood gazing at a fine statue of George
Washington, when an American approached.

"That was a great and good man, Sandy," said the American; "a lie never
passed his lips."

"Weel," said the Scot, "I praysume he talked through his nose like the
rest of ye."




WASPS


The wasp cannot speak, but when he says "Drop it," in his own inimitable
way, neither boy nor man shows any remarkable desire to hold on.




WASTE


The automobile rushed down the road--huge, gigantic, sublime. Over the
fence hung the woman who works hard and long-her husband is at the cafe
and she has thirteen little ones. (An unlucky number.) Suddenly upon the
thirteenth came the auto, unseeing, slew him, and hummed on, unknowing.
The woman who works hard and long rushed forward with hands, hands made
rough by toil, upraised. She paused and stood inarticulate--a goddess,
a giantess. Then she hurled forth these words of derision, of despair:
"Mon Dieu! And I'd just washed him!"--_Literally translated from Le
Sport of Paris_.


A Boston physician tells of the case of a ten-year-old boy, who, by
reason of an attack of fever, became deaf. The physician could afford
the lad but little relief, so the boy applied himself to the task of
learning the deaf-and-dumb alphabet. The other members of his family,
too, acquired a working knowledge of the alphabet, in order that they
might converse with the unfortunate youngster.

During the course of the next few months, however, Tommy's hearing
suddenly returned to him, assisted no doubt by a slight operation
performed by the physician.

Every one was, of course, delighted, particularly the boy's mother, who
one day exclaimed:

"Oh, Tommy, isn't it delightful to talk to and hear us again?"

"Yes," assented Tommy, but with a degree of hesitation; "but here we've
all learned the sign language, and we can't find any more use for it!"




WEALTH


If you want to make a living you have to work for it, while if you want
to get rich you must go about it in some other way.


The traditional fool and his money are lucky ever to have got together
in the first place.--_Puck_.


He that is proud of riches is a fool. For if he be exalted above his
neighbors because he hath more gold, how much inferior is he to a gold
mine!--_Jeremy Taylor_.




WEATHER


"How did you find the weather in London?" asked the friend of the
returned traveler.

"You don't have to find the weather in London," replied the traveler.
"It bumps into you at every corner."


An American and a Scotsman were discussing the cold experienced in
winter in the North of Scotland.

"Why, it's nothing at all compared to the cold we have in the States,"
said the American. "I can recollect one winter when a sheep, jumping
from a hillock into a field, became suddenly frozen on the way, and
stuck in the air like a mass of ice."

"But, man," exclaimed the Scotsman, "the law of gravity wouldn't allow
that."

"I know that," replied the tale-pitcher. "But the law of gravity was
frozen, too!"


Two commercial travelers, one from London and one from New York, were
discussing the weather in their respective countries.

The Englishman said that English weather had one great fault--its sudden
changes.

"A person may take a walk one day," he said, "attired in a light summer
suit, and still feel quite warm. Next day he needs an overcoat."

"That's nothing," said the American. "My two friends, Johnson and Jones,
were once having an argument. There were eight or nine inches of snow on
the ground. The argument got heated, and Johnson picked up a snowball
and threw it at Jones from a distance of not more than five yards.
During the transit of that snowball, believe me or not, as you like, the
weather changed and became hot and summer like, and Jones, instead of
being hit with a snowball, was--er--scalded with hot water!"


Ex-President Taft on one of his trips was playing golf on a western
links when he noticed that he had a particularly good caddie, an old man
of some sixty years, as they have on the Scottish links.

"And what do you do in winter?" asked the President.

"Such odd jobs as I can pick up, sir," replied the man.

"Not much chance for caddying then, I suppose?" asked the President.

"No, sir, there is not," replied the man with a great deal of warmth.
"When there's no frost there's sure to be snow, and when there's no
snow there's frost, and when there's neither there's sure to be rain.
And the few days when it's fine they're always Sundays."


On the way to the office of his publishers one crisp fall morning, James
Whitcomb Riley met an unusually large number of acquaintances who
commented conventionally upon the fine weather. This unremitting
applause amused him. When greeted at the office with "Nice day, Mr.
Riley," he smiled broadly.

"Yes," he agreed. "Yes, I've heard it very highly spoken of."


The darky in question had simmered in the heat of St. Augustine all his
life, and was decoyed by the report that colored men could make as much
as $4 a day in Duluth.

He headed North in a seersucker suit and into a hard winter. At Chicago,
while waiting for a train, he shivered in an engine room, and on the way
to Duluth sped by miles of snow fields.

On arriving he found the mercury at 18 below and promptly lost the use
of his hands. Then his feet stiffened and he lost all sensation.

They picked him up and took him to a crematory for unknown dead. After
he had been in the oven for awhile somebody opened the door for
inspection. Rastus came to and shouted:

"Shut dat do' and close dat draff!"


  There was a small boy in Quebec,
  Who was buried in snow to his neck;
    When they said, "Are you friz?"
    He replied, "Yes, I is--
  But we don't call this cold in Quebec."

  --_Rudyard Kipling_.


Sunshine is delicious, rain is refreshing, wind braces up, snow is
exhilarating; there is really no such thing as bad weather, only
different kinds of good weather.--_Ruskin_.




WEDDING ANNIVERSARIES


Uncle Ephraim had put on a clean collar and his best coat, and was
walking majestically up and down the street.

"Aren't you working to-day, Uncle?" asked somebody.

"No, suh. I'se celebrating' mah golden weddin' suh."

"You were married fifty years ago to-day, then!"

"Yes, suh."

"Well, why isn't your wife helping you to celebrate?"

"Mah present wife, suh," replied Uncle Ephraim with dignity, "ain't got
nothin' to do with it."




WEDDING PRESENTS


Among the presents lately showered upon a dusky bride in a rural section
of Virginia, was one that was a gift of an old woman with whom both
bride and groom were great favorites.

Some time ago, it appears, the old woman accumulated a supply of
cardboard mottoes, which she worked and had framed as occasion arose.

So it happened that in a neat combination of blues and reds, suspended
by a cord of orange, there hung over the table whereon the other
presents were displayed for the delectation of the wedding guests, this
motto:

    FIGHT ON; FIGHT EVER.




WEDDINGS


An actor who was married recently for the third time, and whose bride
had been married once before, wrote across the bottom of the wedding
invitations: "Be sure and come; this is no amateur performance."


A wealthy young woman from the west was recently wedded to a member of
the nobility of England, and the ceremony occurred in the most
fashionable of London churches--St. George's.

Among the guests was a cousin of the bride, as sturdy an American as can
be imagined. He gave an interesting summary of the wedding when asked by
a girl friend whether the marriage was a happy one.

"Happy? I should say it was," said the cousin. "The bride was happy, her
mother was overjoyed, Lord Stickleigh, the groom, was in ecstasies, and
his creditors, I understand, were in a state of absolute bliss."--_Edwun
Tarrisse_.


The best man noticed that one of the wedding guests, a gloomy-looking
young man, did not seem to be enjoying himself. He was wandering about
as though he had lost his last friend. The best man took it upon himself
to cheer him up.

"Er--have you kissed the bride?" he asked by way of introduction.

"Not lately," replied the gloomy one with a far-away expression.


The curate of a large and fashionable church was endeavoring to teach
the significance of white to a Sunday-school class.

"Why," said he, "does a bride invariably desire to be clothed in white
at her marriage?"

As no one answered, he explained. "White," said he, "stands for joy, and
the wedding-day is the most joyous occasion of a woman's life."

A small boy queried, "Why do the men all wear black?"--_M.J. Moor_.


Lilly May came to her mistress. "Ah would like a week's vacation, Miss
Annie," she said, in her soft negro accent; "Ah wants to be married."

Lillie had been a good girl, so her mistress gave her the week's
vacation, a white dress, a veil and a plum-cake.

Promptly at the end of the week Lillie returned, radiant. "Oh, Miss
Annie!" she exclaimed, "Ah was the mos' lovely bride! Ma dress was
pcrfec', ma veil mos' lovely, the cake mos' good! An' oh, the dancin'
an' the eatin'!"

"Well, Lillie, this sounds delightful," said her mistress, "but you have
left out the point of your story--I hope you have a good husband."

Lillie's tone changed to indignation: "Now, Miss Annie, what yo' think?
Tha' darn nigger nebber turn up!"


There is living in Illinois a solemn man who is often funny without
meaning to be. At the time of his wedding, he lived in a town some
distance from the home of the bride. The wedding was to be at her house.
On the eventful day the solemn man started for the station, but on the
way met the village grocer, who talked so entertainingly that the
bridegroom missed his train.

Naturally he was in a "state." Something must be done, and done quickly.
So he sent the following telegram:

    Don't marry till I come.--HENRY.

--_Howard, Morse_.


In all the wedding cake, hope is the sweetest of the plums.--_Douglas
Jerrold_.




WEIGHTS AND MEASURES


"Didn't I tell ye to feed that cat a pound of meat every day until ye
had her fat?" demanded an Irish shopkeeper, nodding toward a sickly,
emaciated cat that was slinking through the store.

"Ye did thot," replied the assistant, "an" I've just been after feedin'
her a pound of meat this very minute."

"Faith, an' I don't believe ye. Bring me the scales."

The poor cat was lifted into the scales. Thy balancd at exactly one
pound.

"There!" exclaimed the assistant triumphantly. "Didn't I tell ye she'd
had her pound of meat?"

"That's right," admitted the boss, scratching his head. "That's yer
pound of meat all right. But"--suddenly looking up--"where the divvil is
the cat?"




WELCOMES


When Ex-President Taft was on his transcontinental tour, American flags
and Taft pictures were in evidence everywhere. Usually the Taft pictures
contained a word of welcome under them. Those who heard the President's
laugh ring out will not soon forget the western city which, directly
under the barred window of the city lockup, displayed a Taft picture
with the legend "Welcome" on it.--_Hugh Morist_.


  Come in the evening, or come in the morning,
  Come when you're looked for, or come without warning,
  Kisses and welcome you'll find here before you,
  And the oftener you come here the more I'll adore you.

  --_Thomas O. Davis_.




WEST, THE


EASTERN LADY (traveling in Montana)--"The idea of calling this the
'Wild-West'! Why, I never saw such politeness anywhere."

COWBOY--"We're allers perlite to ladies, ma'am."

EASTERN LADY--"Oh, as for that, there is plenty of politeness
everywhere. But I refer to the men. Why, in New York the men behave
horribly towards one another; but here they treat one another as
delicately as gentlemen in a drawing-room."

COWBOY--"Yes, ma'am; it's safer."--_Abbie C. Dixon_.




WHISKY


This is from an Irish priest's sermon, as quoted in Samuel M. Hussey's
"Reminiscences of an Irish Land Agent": "'It's whisky makes you bate
your wives; it's whisky makes your homes desolate; it's whisky makes you
shoot your landlords, and'--with emphasis, as he thumped the
pulpit--'it's whisky makes you miss them.'"


In a recent trial of a "bootlegger" in western Kentucky a witness
testified that he had purchased some "squirrel" whisky from the
defendant.

"Squirrel whisky?" questioned the court.

"Yes, you know: the kind that makes you talk nutty and want to climb
trees."


General Carter, who went to Texas in command of the regulars sent south
for maneuvers along the Mexican border, tells this story of an old Irish
soldier: The march had been a long and tiresome one, and as the bivouac
was being made for the night, the captain noticed that Pat was looking
very much fatigued. Thinking that a small drop of whisky might do him
good, the captain called Pat aside and said, "Pat, will you have a wee
drink of whisky?" Pat made no answer, but folded his arms in a
reverential manner and gazed upward. The captain repeated the question
several times, but no answer from Pat, who stood silent and motionless,
gazing devoutly into the sky. Finally the captain, taking him by the
shoulder and giving him a vigorous shake said: "Pat, why don't you
answer? I said, 'Pat, will you have a drink of whisky?'" After looking
around in considerable astonishment Pat replied: "And is it yez,
captain? Begorrah and I thought it was an angel spakin' to me."


_See_ also Drinking.




WHISKY BREATH


_See_ Breath.




WIDOWS


During the course of conversation between two ladies in a hotel parlor
one said to the other: "Are you married?" "No, I am not," replied the
other. "Are you?"

"No," was the reply, "I, too, am on the single list," adding: "Strange
that two such estimable women as ourselves should have been overlooked
in the great matrimonial market! Now that lady," pointing to another who
was passing, "has been widowed four times, two of her husbands having
been cremated. The woman," she continued, "is plain and uninteresting,
and yet she has them to burn."




WIND


VISITOR--"What became of that other windmill that was here last year?"

NATIVE--"There was only enough wind for one, so we took it down."


  Whichever way the wind doth blow
  Some heart is glad to have it so;
  Then blow it east, or blow it west,
  The wind that blows, that wind is best.

  --_Caroline A. Mason_.




WINDFALLS


A Nebraska man was carried forty miles by a cyclone and dropped in a
widow's front yard. He married the widow and returned home worth about
$30,000 more than when he started.




WINE


  When our thirsty souls we steep,
  Every sorrow's lull'd to sleep.
  Talk of monarchs! we are then
  Richest, happiest, first of men.

  When I drink, my heart refines
  And rises as the cup declines;
  Rises in the genial flow,
  That none but social spirits know.

  To-day we'll haste to quaff our wine,
  As if to-morrow ne'er should shine;
  But if to-morrow comes, why then--
  We'll haste to quaff our wine again.

  Let me, oh, my budding vine,
  Spill no other blood than thine.
  Yonder brimming goblet see,
  That alone shall vanquish me.

  I pray thee, by the gods above,
  Give me the mighty howl I love,
  And let me sing, in wild delight.
  "I will--I will be mad to-night!"

  When Father Time swings round his scythe,
  Intomb me 'neath the bounteous vine,
  So that its juices red and blythe,
  May cheer these thirsty bones of mine.

  --_Eugene Field_.


_See also_ Drinking.




WISHES


George Washington drew a long sigh and said: "Ah wish Ah had a hundred
watermillions."

Dixie's eyes lighted. "Hum! Dat would suttenly be fine! An' ef yo' had a
hundred watermillions would yo' gib me fifty?"

"No, Ah wouldn't."

"Wouldn't yo' give me twenty-five?"

"No, Ah wouldn't gib yo' no twenty-five."

Dixie gaxed with reproachful eyes at his close-fisted friend. "Seems to
me, you's powahful stingy, George Washington," he said, and then
continued in a heartbroken voice. "Wouldn't yo' gib me one?"

"No, Ah wouldn't gib yo' one. Look a' heah, nigger! Are yo' so good for
nuffen lazy dat yo' cahn't wish fo' yo' own watermillions?"


  "Man wants but little here below
    Nor wants that little long,"
  'Tis not with me exactly so;
    But'tis so in the song.
  My wants are many, and, if told,
    Would muster many a score;
  And were each a mint of gold,
    I still should long for more.

  --_John Quincy Adams_.




WITNESSES


"The trouble is," said Wilkins as he talked the matter over with his
counsel, "that in the excitement of the moment I admitted that I had
been going too fast, and wasn't paying any attention to the road just
before the collision. I'm afraid that admission is going to prove
costly."

"Don't wory about that," said his lawyer. "I'll bring seven witnesses
to testify that they wouldn't believe you under oath."


On his eighty-fourth birthday, Paul Smith, the veteran Adirondock
hotel-keeper, who started life as a guide and died owning a million
dollars' worth of forest land, was talking about boundary disputes
with an old friend.

"Didn't you hear of the lawsuit over a title that I had with Jones
down in Malone last summer?" asked Paul. The friend had not heard.

"Well," said Paul, "it was this way. I sat in the court room before
the case opened with my witnesses around me. Jones busted in, stopped,
looked my witnesses over carefully, and said: 'Paul, are those your
witnesses?' 'They are,' said I. 'Then you win,' said he. 'I've had
them witnesses twice myself.'"




WIVES


"Father," said a little boy, "had Solomon seven hundred wives?"

"I believe so, my son," said the father.

"Well, father, was he the man who said, 'Give me liberty or give me
death?'"--_Town Topics_.


A charitable lady was reading the Old Testament to an aged woman who
lived at the home for old people, and chanced upon the passage
concerning Solomon's household.

"Had Solomon really seven hundred wives?" inquired the old woman,
after reflection.

"Oh, yes, Mary! It is so stated in the Bible."

"Lor', mum!" was the comment. "What privileges them early Christians
had!"


CASEY--"Now, phwat wu'u'd ye do in a case loike thot?"

CLANCY--"Loike phwat?"

CASEY--"Th' walkin' diligate tils me to stroike, an' me ould woman
orders me to ke-ape on wurrkin'."


Governor Vardaman, of Mississippi, was taken to task because he had
made a certain appointment, a friend maintaining that another man
should have received the place. The governor listened quietly and then
said:

"Did I ever tell you about Mose Williams? One day Mose sought his
employer, an acquaintance of mine, and inquired:

"'Say, boss, is yo' gwine to town t'morrer?'

"'I think so. Why?'

"'Well, hit's dishaway. Me an' Easter Johnson's gwine to git mahred,
an' Ah 'lowed to ax yo' ter git a pair of licenses fo' me."

"I shall be delighted to oblige you, Mose, and I hope you will be very
happy."

"The next day when the gentleman rode up to his house the old man was
waiting for him.

"'Did you git 'em, boss?" he inquired eagerly.

"'Yes, here they are.'

"Mose looked at them ruefully, shaking his head. 'Ah'm po'ful sorry
yo' got 'em, boss!'

"'Whats the matter? Has Easter gone back on you?'

"'It ain't dat, boss. Ah done changed mah min.' Ah'm gwine to mahry
Sophie Coleman, dat freckled-faced yaller girl what works up to Mis'
Mason's, for she sholy can cook!'

"Well, I'll try and have the name changed for you, but it will cost
you fifty cents more.'

"Mose assented, somewhat dubiously, and the gentleman had the change
made. Again he found Mose waiting for him.

"'Wouldn't change hit, boss, would he?'

"'Certainly he changed it. I simply had to pay him the fifty cents.'

"'Ah was hopin' he wouldn't do it. Mah min's made up to mahry Easter
Johnson after all.'

"'You crazy nigger, you don't know what you do want. What made you
change your mind again?'

"'Well, boss, Ah been thinkin' it over an' Ah jes' 'lowed dar wasn't
fifty cents wuth ob diff'runce in dem two niggers.'"


A wife is a woman who is expected to purchase without means, and sew
on buttons before they come off.


"What are you cutting out of the paper?"

"About a California man securing a divorce because his wife went
through his pockets."

"What are you going to do with it?"

"Put it in my pocket."


A woman missionary in China was taking tea with a mandarin's eight
wives. The Chinese ladies examined her clothing, her hair, her teeth,
and so on, but her feet especially amazed them.

"Why," cried one, "you can walk or run as well as a man!"

"Yes, to be sure," said the missionary.

"Can you ride a horse and swim, too?"

"Yes."

"Then you must be as strong as a man!"

"I am."

"And you wouldn't let a man beat you--not even if he was your
husband--would you?"

"Indeed I wouldn't," the missionary said.

The mandarin's eight wives looked at one another, nodding their heads.
Then the oldest said softly:

"Now I understand why the foreign devil never has more than one wife.
He is afraid!"--_Western Christian Advocate_.


PAT--"I hear your woife is sick, Moike."

MIKE--"She is thot."

PAT--"Is it dangerous she is?"

MIKE--"Divil a bit. She's too weak to be dangerous any more!"


SON--"Say, mama, father broke this vase before he went out."

MOTHER--"My beautiful majolica vase! Wait till he comes back, that's
all."

SON--"May I stay up till he does?"


"Because a fellow has six talking machines," said the boarder who
wants to be an end man, "it doesn't follow that he is a Mormon."


It was a wizened little man who appeared before the judge and charged
his wife with cruel and abusive treatment. His better half was a big,
square-jawed woman with a determined eye.

"In the first place, where did you meet this woman who, according to
your story, has treated you so dreadfully?" asked the judge.

"Well," replied the little man, making a brave attempt to glare
defiantly at his wife, "I never did meet her. She just kind of
overtook me."


"Harry, love," exclaimed Mrs. Knowall to her husband, on his return
one evening from the office, "I have b-been d-dreadfully insulted!"

"Insulted?" exclaimed Harry, love. "By whom?"

"B-by your m-mother," answered the young wife, bursting into tears.

"My mother, Flora? Nonsense! She's miles away!"

Flora dried her tears.

"I'll tell you all about it, Harry, love," she said. "A letter came to
you this morning, addressed in your mother's writing, so, of course,
I--I opened it."

"Of course," repeated Harry, love, dryly.

"It--it was written to you all the way through. Do you understand?"

"I understand. But where does the insult to you come in?"

"It--it came in the p-p-postscript," cried the wife, bursting into
fresh floods of briny. "It s-said: 'P-P-P. S.--D-dear Flora, d-don't
f-fail to give this l-letter to Harry. I w-want him to have it.'"
"'Did you git 'em, boss?" he inquired eagerly.

"'Yes, here they are.'

"Mose looked at them ruefully, shaking his head. 'Ah'm po'ful sorry
yo' got 'em, boss!'

"'Whats the matter? Has Easter gone back on you?'

"'It ain't dat, boss. Ah done changed mah min.' Ah'm gwine to mahry
Sophie Coleman, dat freckled-faced yaller girl what works up to Mis'
Mason's, for she sholy can cook!'

"Well, I'll try and have the name changed for you, but it will cost
you fifty cents more.'

"Mose assented, somewhat dubiously, and the gentleman had the change
made. Again he found Mose waiting for him.

"'Wouldn't change hit, boss, would he?'

"'Certainly he changed it. I simply had to pay him the fifty cents.'

"'Ah was hopin' he wouldn't do it. Mah min's made up to mahry Easter
Johnson after all.'

"'You crazy nigger, you don't know what you do want. What made you
change your mind again?'

"'Well, boss, Ah been thinkin' it over an' Ah jes' 'lowed dar wasn't
fifty cents wuth ob diff'runce in dem two niggers.'"


A wife is a woman who is expected to purchase without means, and sew
on buttons before they come off.


"What are you cutting out of the paper?"

"About a California man securing a divorce because his wife went
through his pockets."

"What are you going to do with it?"

"Put it in my pocket."


A woman missionary in China was taking tea with a mandarin's eight
wives. The Chinese ladies examined her clothing, her hair, her teeth,
and so on, but her feet especially amazed them.

"Why," cried one, "you can walk or run as well as a man!"

"Yes, to be sure," said the missionary.

"Can you ride a horse and swim, too?"

"Yes."

"Then you must be as strong as a man!"

"I am."

"And you wouldn't let a man beat you--not even if he was your
husband--would you?"

"Indeed I wouldn't," the missionary said.

The mandarin's eight wives looked at one another, nodding their heads.
Then the oldest said softly:

"Now I understand why the foreign devil never has more than one wife.
He is afraid!"--_Western Christian Advocate_.


PAT--"I hear your woife is sick, Moike."

MIKE--"She is thot."

PAT--"Is it dangerous she is?"

MIKE--"Divil a bit. She's too weak to be dangerous any more!"


SON--"Say, mama, father broke this vase before he went out."

MOTHER--"My beautiful majolica vase! Wait till he comes back, that's
all."

SON--"May I stay up till he does?"


"Because a fellow has six talking machines," said the boarder who
wants to be an end man, "it doesn't follow that he is a Mormon."


It was a wizened little man who appeared before the judge and charged
his wife with cruel and abusive treatment. His better half was a big,
square-jawed woman with a determined eye.

"In the first place, where did you meet this woman who, according to
your story, has treated you so dreadfully?" asked the judge.

"Well," replied the little man, making a brave attempt to glare
defiantly at his wife, "I never did meet her. She just kind of
overtook me."


"Harry, love," exclaimed Mrs. Knowall to her husband, on his return
one evening from the office, "I have b-been d-dreadfully insulted!"

"Insulted?" exclaimed Harry, love. "By whom?"

"B-by your m-mother," answered the young wife, bursting into tears.

"My mother, Flora? Nonsense! She's miles away!"

Flora dried her tears.

"I'll tell you all about it, Harry, love," she said. "A letter came to
you this morning, addressed in your mother's writing, so, of course,
I--I opened it."

"Of course," repeated Harry, love, dryly.

"It--it was written to you all the way through. Do you understand?"

"I understand. But where does the insult to you come in?"

"It--it came in the p-p-postscript," cried the wife, bursting into
fresh floods of briny. "It s-said: 'P-P-P. S.--D-dear Flora, d-don't
f-fail to give this l-letter to Harry. I w-want him to have it.'"


"By jove, I left my purse under the pillow!"

"Oh, well, your servant is honest, isn't she?"

"That's just it. She'll take it to my wife."


  There swims no goose so gray, but soon or late
  She finds some honest gander for her mate.

  --_Pope_.


A clerk showed forty patterns of ginghams to a man whose wife had sent
him to buy some for her for Christmas, and at every pattern the man
said: "My wife said she didn't want anything like that."

The clerk put the last piece back on the shelf. "Sir," he said, "you
don't want gingham. What you want is a divorce."


Maids are May when they are maids, but the sky changes when they are
wives.--_Shakespeare_.

  In the election of a wife, as in
  A project of war, to err but once is
  To be undone forever.

  --_Thomas Middleton_.


  Of earthly goods, the best is a good wife;
  A bad, the bitterest curse of human life.

  --_Simonides_.


_See also_ Domestic finance; Suffragettes; Talkers; Temper; Woman
suffrage.




WOMAN


Woman--the only sex which attaches more importance to what's on its head
than to what's in it.


"How very few statues there are of real women."

"Yes! it's hard to get them to look right."

"How so?"

"A woman remaining still and saying nothing doesn't seem true to life."


    "Oh, woman! in our hours of ease
    Uncertain, coy, and hard to please"--
    So wrote Sir Walter long ago.
    But how, pray, could he really know?
    If woman fair he strove to please,
   Where did he get his "hours of ease"?

  --_George B. Morewood_.


MISS SCRIBBLE-"The heroine of my next story is to be one of those modern
advanced girls who have ideas of their own and don't want to get
married."

THE COLONEL (politely)-"Ah, indeed, I don't think I ever met that
type."--_Life_.


  You are a dear, sweet girl,
  God bless you and keep you--
  Wish I could afford to do so.


Here's to man--he can afford anything he can get. Here's to woman--she
can afford anything that she can get a man to get for her.--_George
Ade_.


  Here's to the soldier and his arms,
    Fall in, men, fall in;
  Here's to woman and her arms,
    Fall in, men, fall in!


Most Southerners are gallant. An exception is the Georgian who gave his
son this advice:

"My boy, never run after a woman or a street car--there will be another
one along in a minute or two."


  Here's to the maid of bashful fifteen;
  Here's to the widow of fifty;
  Here's to the flaunting, extravagant queen;
  And here's to the housewife that's thrifty.
   Chorus:
    Let the toast pass,--
    Drink to the lass,
  I'll warrant she'll prove an excuse for the glass.

  --_Sheridan_.



  Here's to the ladies, the good, young ladies;
  But not too good, for the good die young,
  And we want no dead ones.
  And here's to the good old ladies,
  But not too old, for we want no dyed ones.


When a woman repulses, beware. When a woman beckons,
bewarer.--_Henriette Corkland_.


The young woman had spent a busy day.

She had browbeaten fourteen salespeople, bullyragged a floor-walker,
argued victoriously with a milliner, laid down the law to a modiste,
nipped in the bud a taxi chauffeur's attempt to overcharge her, made a
street car conductor stop the car in the middle of a block for her,
discharged her maid and engaged another, and otherwise refused to allow
herself to be imposed upon.

Yet she did not smile that evening when a young man begged:

"Let me be your protector through life!"


I am very fond of the company of ladies. I like their beauty, I like
their delicacy, I like their vivacity, and I like their
_silence.--Samuel Johnson_.


  Auld Nature swears, the lovely dears
    Her noblest work she classes, O:
  Her 'prentice hand she tried on man,
    An' then she made the lasses, O.

  --_Burns_.


  Not from his head was woman took,
  As made her husband to o'erlook;
  Not from his feet, as one designed
  The footstool of the stronger kind;
  But fashioned for himself, a bride;
  An equal, taken from his side.

  --_Charles Wesley_.


_See also_ Mice; Mothers; Smoking; Suffragettes; Wives; Woman suffrage.




WOMAN SUFFRAGE


WOMAN VOTER--"Now, I may as well be frank with you. I absolutely
refuse to vote the same ticket as that horrid Jones woman."


Kate Douglas Wiggin was asked recently how she stood on the vote for
women question. She replied she didn't "stand at all," and told a
story about a New England farmer's wife who had no very romantic ideas
about the opposite sex, and who, hurrying from churn to sink, from
sink to shed, and back to the kitchen stove, was asked if she wanted
to vote. "No, I certainly don't! I say if there's one little thing
that the men folks can do alone, for goodness sakes let 'em do it!"
she replied.


MR. E.N. QUIRE--"What are those women mauling that man for?"

MRS. HENBALLOT--"He insulted us by saying that the suffrage movement
destroyed our naturally timid sweetness and robbed us of all our
gentleness."


"Did you cast your vote, Aunty?"

"Oh, yes! Isn't it grand? A real nice gentleman with a beautiful
moustache and yellow spats marked my ballot for me. I know I should
have marked it myself, but it seemed to please him greatly."


"Does your wife want to vote?"

"No. She wants a larger town house, a villa on the sea coast and a new
limousine car every six months. I'd be pleased most to death if she
could fix her attention on a smaller matter like the vote."


"What you want, I suppose, is to vote, just like the men do."

"Certainly not," replied Mrs. Baring-Banners. "If we couldn't do any
better than that there would be no use of our voting."


"There's only one thing I can think of to head off this suffrage
movement," said the mere man.

"What is that?" asked his wife.

"Make the legal age for voting thirty-five instead of
twenty-one."--_Catholic Universe_.


MAMIE--"I believe in woman's rights."

GERTIE--"Then you think every woman should have a vote?"

MAMIE--"No; but I think every woman should have a voter."--_The
Woman's Journal_.


During the Presidential campaign the question of woman suffrage was
much discussed among women pro and con, and at an afternoon tea the
conversation turned that way between the women guests.

"Are you a woman suffragist?" asked the one who was most interested.

"Indeed, I am not," replied the other most emphatically.

"Oh, that's too bad, but just supposing you were, whom would you
support in the present campaign?"

"The same man I've always supported, of course," was the apt
reply--"my husband."


_See also_ Suffragettes.



WOMEN'S CLUBS


_See_ Clubs.



WORDS


_See_ Authors.



WORK


  All work and no play
  Makes Jack surreptitiously gay.


"Wot cheer, Alf? Yer lookin' sick; wot is it?"

"Work! nuffink but work, work, work, from mornin' till night!"

'"Ow long 'ave yer been at it?"

"Start tomorrow."--_Punch_.


Several men were discussing the relative importance and difficulty of
mental and physical work, and one of them told the following
experience:

"Several years ago, a tramp, one of the finest specimens of physical
manhood that I have ever seen, dropped into my yard and asked me for
work. The first day I put him to work helping to move some heavy
rocks, and he easily did as much work as any two other men, and yet
was as fresh as could be at the end of the day.

"The next morning, having no further use for him, I told him he could
go; but he begged so hard to remain that I let him go into the cellar
and empty some apple barrels, putting the good apples into one barrel
and throwing away the rotten ones--about a half hour's work.

"At the end of two hours he was still in the cellar, and I went down
to see what the trouble was. I found him only half through, but almost
exhausted, beads of perspiration on his brow.

"'What's the matter?' I asked. 'Surely that work isn't hard.'

"'No not hard,' he replied. 'But the strain on the judgment is
_awful_.'"


_See also_ Rest cure.




WORMS


A country girl was home from college for the Christmas holidays and
the old folks were having a reception in her honor. During the event
she brought out some of her new gowns to show to the guests. Picking
up a beautiful silk creation she held it up before the admiring crowd.

"Isn't this perfectly gorgeous!" she exclaimed. "Just think, it came
from a poor little insignificant worm!"

Her hard-working father looked a moment, then he turned and said:
"Yes, darn it, an' I'm that worm!"




YALE UNIVERSITY


The new cook, who had come into the household during the holidays,
asked her mistress:

"Where ban your son? I not seeing him round no more."

"My son," replied the mistress pridefully. "Oh, he has gone back to
Yale. He could only get away long enough to stay until New Year's day,
you see. I miss him dreadfully, tho."

"Yas, I knowing yoost how you feel. My broder, he ban in yail sax
times since Tanksgiving."




YONKERS


An American took an Englishman to a theater. An actor in the farce,
about to die, exclaimed: "Please, dear wife, don't bury me in
Yonkers!"

The Englishman turned to his friend and said: "I say, old chap, what
_are_ yonkers?"




"YOU"


  Here's to the world, the merry old world,
  To its days both bright and blue;
  Here's to our future, be it what it may,
  And here's to my best--that's you!




ZONES


TEACHER--"How many zones has the earth?"

PUPIL--"Five."

TEACHER--"Correct. Name them."

PUPIL--"Temperate zone, intemperate, canal, horrid, and o."--_Life_.




INDEX

  ABILITY
  ABOLITION
  ABSENT-MINDEDNESS
  ACCIDENTS
  ACTING
  ACTORS AND ACTRESSES
  ADAPTATION
  ADDRESSES
  ADVERTISING
  ADVICE
  AERONAUTICS
  AEROPLANES
  AFTER DINNER SPEECHES
  AGE
  AGENTS
  AGRICULTURE
  ALARM CLOCKS
  ALERTNESS
  ALIBI
  ALIMONY
  ALLOWANCES
  ALTRUISM
  AMBITION
  AMERICAN GIRL
  AMERICANS
  AMUSEMENTS
  ANATOMY
  ANCESTRY
  ANGER
  ANNIVERSARIES
  ANTIDOTES
  APPEARANCES
  APPLAUSE
  ARBITRATION INTERNATIONAL
  ARITHMETIC
  ARMIES
  ARMY RATIONS
  ART
  ARTISTS
  ATHLETES
  ATTENTION
  AUTHORS
  AUTOMOBILES
  AUTOMOBILING
  AVIATION
  AVIATORS

  BABIES
  BACCALAUREATE SERMONS
  BACTERIA
  BADGES
  BAGGAGE
  BALDNESS
  BANKS AND BANKING
  BAPTISM
  BAPTISTS
  BARGAINS
  BASEBALL
  BATHS AND BATHING
  BAZARS
  BEARDS
  BEAUTY
  BEAUTY, PERSONAL
  BEDS
  BEER
  BEES
  BEETLES
  BEGGING
  BETTING
  BIBLE INTERPRETATION
  BIGAMY
  BILLS
  BIRTHDAYS
  BLUFFING
  BLUNDERS
  BOASTING
  BONANZAS
  BOOKKEEPING
  BOOKS AND READING
  BOOKSELLERS AND BOOKSELLING
  BOOKWORMS
  BOOMERANGS
  BORES
  BORROWERS
  BOSSES
  BOSTON
  BOXING
  BOYS
  BREAKFAST FOODS
  BREATH
  BREVITY
  BRIBERY
  BRIDES
  BRIDGE WHIST
  BROOKLYN
  BRYAN, WILLIAM JENNINGS
  BUILDINGS
  BURGLARS
  BUSINESS
  BUSINESS ENTERPRISE
  BUSINESS ETHICS
  BUSINESS WOMEN

  CAMPAIGNS
  CAMPING
  CANDIDATES
  CANNING AND PRESERVING
  CAPITALISTS
  CAREFULNESS
  CARPENTERS
  CARVING
  CASTE
  CATS
  CAUSE AND EFFECT
  CAUTION
  CHAMPAGNE
  CHARACTER
  CHARITY
  CHICAGO
  CHICKEN STEALING
  CHILD LABOR
  CHILDREN
  CHOICES
  CHOIRS
  CHRISTIAN SCIENTISTS
  CHRISTIANS
  CHRISTMAS GIFTS
  CHRONOLOGY
  CHURCH ATTENDANCE
  CHURCH DISCIPLINE
  CIRCUS
  CIVILIZATION
  CLEANLINESS
  CLERGY
  CLIMATE
  CLOTHING
  CLUBS
  COAL DEALERS
  COEDUCATION
  COFFEE
  COINS
  COLLECTING OF ACCOUNTS
  COLLECTORS AND COLLECTING
  COLLEGE GRADUATES
  COLLEGE STUDENTS
  COLLEGES AND UNIVERSITIES
  COMMON SENSE
  COMMUTERS
  COMPARISONS
  COMPENSATION
  COMPETITION
  COMPLIMENTS
  COMPOSERS
  COMPROMISES
  CONFESSIONS
  CONGRESS
  CONGRESSMEN
  CONSCIENCE
  CONSEQUENCES
  CONSIDERATION
  CONSTANCY
  CONTRIBUTION BOX
  CONUNDRUMS
  CONVERSATION
  COOKERY
  COOKS
  CORNETS
  CORNS
  CORPULENCE
  COSMOPOLITANISM
  COST OF LIVING
  COUNTRY LIFE
  COURAGE
  COURTESY
  COURTS
  COURTSHIP
  COWARDS
  COWS
  CRITICISM
  CRUELTY
  CUCUMBERS
  CULTURE
  CURFEW
  CURIOSITY
  CYCLONES

  DACHSHUNDS
  DAMAGES
  DANCING
  DEAD BEATS
  DEBTS
  DEER
  DEGREES
  DEMOCRACY
  DEMOCRATIC PARTY
  DENTISTRY
  DENTISTS
  DESCRIPTION
  DESIGN, DECORATIVE
  DESTINATION
  DETAILS
  DETECTIVES
  DETERMINATION
  DIAGNOSIS
  DIET
  DILEMMAS
  DINING
  DIPLOMACY
  DISCIPLINE
  DISCOUNTS
  DISCRETION
  DISPOSITION
  DISTANCES
  DIVORCE
  DOGS
  DOMESTIC FINANCE
  DOMESTIC RELATIONS
  DRAMA
  DRAMATIC CRITICISM
  DRAMATISTS
  DRESSMAKERS
  DRINKING
  DROUGHTS
  DRUNKARDS
  DYSPEPSIA

  ECHOES
  ECONOMY
  EDITORS
  EDUCATION
  EFFICIENCY
  EGOTISM
  ELECTIONS
  ELECTRICITY
  EMBARRASSING SITUATIONS
  EMPLOYERS AND EMPLOYEES
  ENEMIES
  ENGLAND
  ENGLISH LANGUAGE
  ENGLISHMEN
  ENTHUSIASM
  EPITAPHS
  EPITHETS
  EQUALITY
  ERMINE
  ESCAPES
  ETHICS
  ETIQUET
  EUROPEAN WAR
  EVIDENCE
  EXAMINATIONS
  EXCUSES
  EXPOSURE
  EXTORTION
  EXTRAVAGANCE

  FAILURES
  FAITH
  FAITHFULNESS
  FAME
  FAMILIES
  FAREWELLS
  FASHION
  FATE
  FATHERS
  FAULTS
  FEES
  FEET
  FIGHTING
  FINANCE
  FINGER-BOWLS
  FIRE DEPARTMENTS
  FIRE ESCAPES
  FIRES
  FIRST AID IN ILLNESS AND INJURY
  FISH
  FISHERMEN
  FISHING
  FLATS
  FLATTERY
  FLIES
  FLIRTATION
  FLOWERS
  FOOD
  FOOTBALL
  FORDS
  FORECASTING
  FORESIGHT
  FORGETFULNESS
  FORTUNE HUNTERS
  FOUNTAIN PENS
  FOURTH OF JULY
  FREAKS
  FREE THOUGHT
  FRENCH LANGUAGE
  FRESHMEN
  FRIENDS
  FRIENDS, SOCIETY OF
  FRIENDSHIP
  FUN
  FUNERALS
  FURNITURE
  FUTURE LIFE

  GARDENING
  GAS STOVES
  GENEROSITY
  GENTLEMEN
  GERMANS
  GHOSTS
  GIFTS
  GLUTTONY
  GOLF
  GOOD FELLOWSHIP
  GOSSIP
  GOVERNMENT OWNERSHIP
  GOVERNORS
  GRAFT
  GRATITUDE
  GREAT BRITAIN
  GRIEF
  GUARANTEES
  GUESTS

  HABIT
  HADES
  HAPPINESS
  HARNESSING
  HARVARD UNIVERSITY
  HASH
  HASTE
  HEALTH RESORTS
  HEARING
  HEAVEN
  HEIRLOOMS
  HELL
  HEREDITY
  HEROES
  HIGH COST OF LIVING
  HINTING
  HOME
  HOMELINESS
  HOMESTEADS
  HONESTY
  HONOR
  HOPE
  HORSES
  HOSTS
  HOTELS
  HUNGER
  HUNTING
  HURRY
  HUSBANDS
  HYBRIDIZATION
  HYPERBOLE
  HYPOCRISY

  IDEALS
  ILLUSIONS AND HALLUCINATIONS
  IMAGINATION
  IMITATION
  INFANTS
  INQUISITIVENESS
  INSANITY
  INSPIRATIONS
  INSTALMENT PLAN
  INSTRUCTIONS
  INSURANCE, LIFE
  INSURANCE BLANKS
  INSURGENTS
  INTERVIEWS
  INVITATIONS
  IRISH BULLS
  IRISHMEN
  IRREVERENCE
  IDEALS
  ILLUSIONS AND HALLUCINATIONS
  IMAGINATION
  IMITATION
  INFANTS
  INQUISITIVENESS
  INSANITY
  INSPIRATIONS
  INSTALMENT PLAN
  INSTRUCTIONS
  INSURANCE, LIFE
  INSURANCE BLANKS
  INSURGENTS
  INTERVIEWS
  INVITATIONS
  IRISH BULLS
  IRISHMEN
  IRREVERENCE

  JAMES, HENRY
  JEWELS
  JEWS
  JOKES
  JOURNALISM
  JUDGES
  JUDGMENT
  JURY
  JUSTICE
  JUVENILE DELINQUENCY

  KENTUCKY
  KINDNESS
  KINGS AND RULERS
  KISSES
  KNOWLEDGE
  KULTUR

  LABOR AND LABORING CLASSES
  LADIES
  LANDLORDS
  LANGUAGES
  LAUGHTER
  LAW
  LAWYERS
  LAZINESS
  LEAP YEAR
  LEGISLATORS
  LIARS
  LIBERTY
  LIBRARIANS
  LIFE
  LISPING
  LOST AND FOUND
  LOVE
  LOYALTY
  LUCK

  MAINE
  MAKING GOOD
  MALARIA
  MARKS(WO)MANSHIP
  MARRIAGE
  MARRIAGE FEES
  MATHEMATICS
  MATRIMONY
  MEASURING INSTRUMENTS
  MEDICAL INSPECTION OF SCHOOLS
  MEDICINE
  MEEKNESS
  MEMORIALS
  MEMORY
  MEN
  MESSAGES
  METAPHOR
  MICE
  MIDDLE CLASSES
  MILITANTS
  MILITARY DISCIPLINE
  MILLINERS
  MILLIONAIRES
  MINORITIES
  MISERS
  MISSIONARIES
  MISSIONS
  MISTAKEN IDENTITY
  MOLLYCODDLES
  MONEY
  MORAL EDUCATION
  MOSQUITOES
  MOTHERS
  MOTHERS-IN-LAW
  MOTORCYCLES
  MOUNTAINS
  MOVING PICTURES
  MUCK-RAKING
  MULES
  MUNICIPAL GOVERNMENT
  MUSEUMS
  MUSIC
  MUSICIANS

  NAMES, PERSONAL
  NATIVES
  NATURE LOVERS
  NAVIGATION
  NEATNESS
  NEGROES
  NEIGHBORS
  NEW JERSEY
  NEW YORK CITY
  NEWS
  NEWSPAPERS

  OBESITY
  OBITUARIES
  OBSERVATION
  OCCUPATIONS
  OCEAN
  OFFICE BOYS
  OFFICE-SEEKERS
  OLD AGE
  OLD MASTERS
  ONIONS
  OPERA
  OPPORTUNITY
  OPTIMISM
  ORATORS
  OUTDOOR LIFE

  PAINTING
  PAINTINGS
  PANICS
  PARENTS
  PARROTS
  PARTNERSHIP
  PASSWORDS
  PATIENCE
  PATRIOTISM
  PENSIONS
  PESSIMISM
  PHILADELPHIA
  PHILANTHROPISTS
  PHILOSOPHY
  PHYSICIANS AND SURGEONS
  PICKPOCKETS
  PINS
  PITTSBURG
  PLAY
  PLEASURE
  POETRY
  POETS
  POLICE
  POLITENESS
  POLITICAL PARTIES
  POLITICIANS
  POLITICS
  POVERTY
  PRAISE
  PRAYER MEETINGS
  PRAYERS
  PREACHING
  PRESCRIPTIONS
  PRESENCE OF MIND
  PRINTERS
  PRISONS
  PRODIGALS
  PROFANITY
  PROHIBITION
  PROMOTING
  PROMOTION
  PROMPTNESS
  PRONUNCIATION
  PROPORTION
  PROPOSALS
  PROPRIETY
  PROSPERITY
  PROTESTANT EPISCOPAL CHURCH
  PROTESTANTS
  PROVIDENCE
  PROVINCIALISM
  PUBLIC SERVICE CORPORATIONS
  PUBLIC SPEAKERS
  PUNISHMENT
  PUNS
  PURE FOOD

  QUARRELS
  QUESTIONS
  QUOTATIONS

  RACE PREJUDICES
  RACE PRIDE
  RACE SUICIDE
  RACES
  RAILROADS
  RAPID TRANSIT
  READING
  REAL ESTATE AGENTS
  REALISM
  RECALL
  RECOMMENDATIONS
  RECONCILIATIONS
  REFORMERS
  REGRETS
  REHEARSALS
  RELATIVES
  RELIGIONS
  REMEDIES
  REMINDERS
  REPARTEE
  REPORTING
  REPUBLICAN PARTY
  REPUTATION
  RESEMBLANCES
  RESIGNATION
  RESPECTABILITY
  REST CURE
  RETALIATION
  REVOLUTIONS
  REWARDS
  RHEUMATISM
  ROADS
  ROASTS
  ROOSEVELT, THEODORE

  SALARIES
  SALESMEN AND SALESMANSHIP
  SALOONS
  SALVATION
  SAVING
  SCANDAL
  SCHOOLS
  SCIENTIFIC MANAGEMENT
  SCOTCH, THE
  SEASICKNESS
  SEASONS
  SENATORS
  SENSE OF HUMOR
  SENTRIES
  SERMONS
  SERVANTS
  SHOPPING
  SHYNESS
  SIGNS
  SILENCE
  SIN
  SKATING
  SKY-SCRAPERS
  SLEEP
  SMILES
  SMOKING
  SNEEZING
  SNOBBERY
  SNORING
  SOCIALISTS
  SOCIETY
  SOLECISMS
  SONS
  SOUVENIRS
  SPECULATION
  SPEED
  SPINSTERS
  SPITE
  SPRING
  STAMMERING
  STATESMEN
  STATISTICS
  STEAK
  STEAM
  STEAMSHIPS AND STEAMBOATS
  STENOGRAPHERS
  STOCK BROKERS
  STRATEGY
  SUBWAYS
  SUCCESS
  SUFFRAGETTES
  SUICIDE
  SUMMER RESORTS
  SUNDAY
  SUNDAY SCHOOLS
  SUPERSTITION
  SURPRISE
  SWIMMERS
  SYMPATHY
  SYNONYMS

  TABLE MANNERS
  TACT
  TAFT, WILLIAM HOWARD
  TALENT
  TALKERS
  TARDINESS
  TARIFF
  TASTE
  TEACHERS
  TEARS
  TEETH
  TELEPHONE
  TEMPER
  TEMPERANCE
  TEXAS
  TEXTS
  THEATER
  THIEVES
  THIN PEOPLE
  THRIFT
  TIDES
  TIME
  TIPS
  TITLES OF HONOR AND NOBILITY
  TOASTS
  TOBACCO
  TOURISTS
  TRAMPS
  TRANSMUTATION
  TRAVELERS
  TREASON
  TREES
  TRIGONOMETRY
  TROUBLE
  TRUSTS
  TRUTH
  TURKEYS
  TUTORS
  TWINS

  UMBRELLAS

  VALUE
  VANITY
  VERSATILITY
  VOICE

  WAGES
  WAITERS
  WAR
  WARNINGS
  WASHINGTON, GEORGE
  WASPS
  WASTE
  WEALTH
  WEATHER
  WEDDING ANNIVERSARIES
  WEDDING PRESENTS
  WEDDINGS
  WEIGHTS AND MEASURES
  WELCOMES
  WEST, THE
  WHISKY
  WHISKY BREATH
  WIDOWS
  WIND
  WINDFALLS
  WINE
  WISHES
  WITNESSES
  WIVES
  WOMAN
  WOMAN SUFFRAGE
  WOMEN'S CLUBS
  WORDS
  WORK
  WORMS

  YALE UNIVERSITY
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  "YOU"

  ZONES