The Project Gutenberg eBook of La Tontine, by Alain René Le Sage

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CHARACTERS

Dr. Peacock M. Trousse-Galant
Flem M. Bolus
Worthy Eraste
Harriet Marianne
Jeremy Crispin
Dudley Ambrose
Trippet Frosine
St. Slaughter * Sergeant
Soldiers

Scene: Dr. Peacock's house.

Flem Truly, Dr. Peacock, you're a clever man. I've been a pharmacist for twenty-five years and never met a doctor who practiced medicine like you.

Peacock Indeed, no other doctor of my acquaintance has penetrated nature as deeply as I have. But I don't like to praise myself; I can't stand flattery. I want you to come home with me to discuss an important matter. Now, has any one asked for me while I was away? TRIPPET, hey, TRIPPET!

Peacock
So much the better. It's a sign her medication is working. How about
Judge Glanville—has he called?

Peacock Good. It's to tell me that the purge I gave him yesterday has cured him of his pleurisy.

Trippet The poor man died during the night. His son came to tell you. He was in a fury and cursed you and Mr. Flem. I took your part and he cussed me out, too. Happily, I can deal with that. I listened to him very calmly.

Peacock What right has he to complain? I gave him the best treatment. I bled him more than twenty times and purged him frequently. He ought to be cured according to the books.

Flem Between you and me, Dr. Peacock, I don't have a high opinion of that purge.

Peacock Not at all. A good doctor pursues his calling without any regard to a bad result. Otherwise, teaching in medical school might be called into question and where would we be then?

Peacock
Well now, let's talk of the business I brought you here for. You know
I've always regarded you as my best friend.

Flem You are right to do so. I have been a friend of your family for many years. It was I who furnished the drugs during your father's last illness.

Peacock I thank you for it. Ever since I've written my prescriptions only for you.

Peacock Moreover, I've had you get rid of inexpensive, useless drugs. And whenever I write a prescription, I never forget to write it for five or six grains more than the patient needs.

Flem
And I always put in seven or eight grains less than you prescribe.
That way I save the life of the patient and your reputation.

Peacock Consider the way we work together. I prescribe imaginary medicines found only in your apothecary shop. I praise their healthfulness, their propriety, and your skill in blending drugs.

Flem And for my part, I never miss a chance to praise you. I speak of your miraculous cures—which, in truth, I've seen very few of.

Flem And, I tell all the patients who come to me about you, praise you to the skies, and belittle or disparage all other doctors without exception.

Peacock We do everything that a doctor and a pharmacist can do for each other. We work in perfect harmony. And, to further our friendship, I am going to tell you about a little investment I have made. I've taken out a ten thousand pound Tontine on him.

Flem Certainly, a Tontine is—a Tontine is—(helplessly) What the devil is a Tontine?

Peacock (smugly triumphant) It's a last man out club. The survivor gets all the money from all the policies.

Peacock (slightly exasperated)
The policy's not on my life—but on that of a peasant of sixty who
you wouldn't take to be forty. He's the father of one of my servants.
He's in unusually good shape.

Peacock I've taken out this policy on him and he's agreed to make me a beneficiary in return for free medical care.

Peacock Isn't it certain, that in fifteen or twenty years, he'll be the only person in his group?

Peacock Five years later, he'll be the only one. Therefore, I'll receive all the money for twenty years.

Peacock
I'm delighted you approve my project. And you are a beneficiary, too.
Because, I mean to marry you to my daughter.

Peacock No compliments. And, for the dowry, I'm going to give you half the immense revenue from this insurance policy which you cannot fail to collect. And no, I'm going to show you our gold mine. You'll have to agree he's an excellent specimen.

Flem What a man Doctor Peacock is! Some people think he's a little crazy; but what's just happened would go a long way to disabuse them.

Peacock (to Dudley)
Open your mouth. (to Flem) Look at those teeth. Perfect condition.

Peacock. Answer my questions, Dudley. When you went to bed last night, did it take you a long time to get to sleep?

Peacock How he roars! This roaring is no good for him. It comes from too many vessels in contact with the diaphragm. To remedy this defect we ought to give him a purge.

Peacock Preceded by a tonic composed of softening laxatives to prevent dry stools. Go quickly, Mr. Flem, and prepare some suppositories and bring them back here.

Peacock As soon as you possibly can. This business is serious and requires diligence.

Dudley Can't you leave me without tormenting me, Doctor? For the last three days, ever since I put myself in your hands, you've already purged me twice. I want to have lunch and enjoy it.

Peacock Blood isn't necessary to preserve life. I know what I'm doing. I am more interested in keeping you alive than you yourself. Listen, my friend, as soon as I have bled you, I'll cook up a delicious lunch.

Peacock Bah! What bad spirit put such a detestable thought in your head? It's too fatty and it clogs your bowels.

Peacock True. But, between you and me, they only sell them. They actually prefer stuffed dates.

Dudley Too dirty, too sweet, too hard, too fatty. What the devil do you want me to eat?

Dudley They say I have extended diaphragm muscles, and I don't know how many other maladies. Yet, I don't feel a bit sick.

Dudley Since I've been in this house, I've lost more blood than I did in twenty years as a soldier.

Dudley Doctor Peacock intends to make me the last survivor of my group—but if this keeps up, I won't last another month.

Dudley Let's speak openly. Even if I survive the bleeding, I won't survive the diet. I'll starve.

Dudley Aie! How can I resist him. He thinks I'm weak and prescribes for my maladies. He watches my food. He forbids me wine. Damn his medicine and science. It would be better not to interfere with nature.

Trippet To forbid wine to a man of your type is the same as forbidding women to a man of a different sort.

Dudley You run the house. If you would give me a bottle of wine, I will owe you my life.

Trippet Heaven preserve me from doing such a thing. If the doctor has forbidden you wine then that proves it isn't good for you.

Dudley Ah, if only I were young again. You'd give me the keys to the wine cellar.

Peacock (entering and seeing Dudley on his knees to Trippet) Ah, Dudley! How passionate you are! My God! That's no way to prepare for an enema. Come along, return to your room and try to calm yourself while waiting for the return of Mr. Flem. (Dudley leaves) That's funny, really.

Trippet He was trying to cajole me with his sweet talk and passionate gestures—but I'm not that kind of woman.

Peacock Now wait a minute—if he shows any signs of croaking! You must satisfy him, Trippet! Ahem! I intend that he live a long life.

Peacock Oh, that! Trippet, they've come to get me to see a patient—a feverish cantor who refuses to drink a purge—but before I leave, it will be easier if I talk to my daughter. Tell her to come see me. (Exit Trippet) I suppose I could find a better husband for Harriet than this Flem. For example, a bureaucrat or a down-and-out gentleman. But I prefer to pay off my own debts, not someone else's. Instead of which, I will exploit my daughter for all she is worth.

Peacock Something you will like. I've decided to marry you. I've chosen a man for you who is extremely knowledgeable and will give you complete satisfaction.

Peacock Listen! What's all this about, if you please? I haven't even told you his name—only of his worthiness, and you are making faces, both of you.

Trippet
Eh! Yes, sir. Those qualities are certainly found in an old dotard.
You are painting a wretched portrait of a handsome young man.

Peacock
But, I don't propose to marry my daughter to some old fuddy-duddy.
It's Mr. Flem.

Trippet A virtuous man is not for Miss Harriet, and I am going to prove it. In order to know the worth of a virtuous husband, is it not necessary for the wife to be dispirited herself? First, give her a young man of twenty, and not only will she be fine, she'll have a reasonable husband.

Peacock Nice reasoning. A smart daughter ought not to examine her future husband too closely. She ought to consider it a pleasure to find one agreeable to her father. Understand, Harriet? Now, on my return, I expect to find you disposed to receive the hand of Mr. Flem. (exit)

Harriet Did you hear, Trippet? Is there a misfortune equal to mine? Isn't it enough to lose hope of being with Worthy? Now, I must reconcile myself to becoming the wife of this detestable Mr. Flem.

Trippet Alas! I believe I can already see how unhappy he will be. What a lively sadness moistens his eye. What tears mix with yours. Oh, I loathe the old apothecary.

Trippet I'm not joking. I don't know any more than you what the future will hold. But my point of view is different. You see despair and I see cause for hope. I read the future in a way that is more agreeable than you do.

Harriet You are deceiving yourself. I am already unhappy enough to be married to Mr. Flem. Without doubt, I will gag of it. But I will fulfill my destiny. The more I have to suffer, the more my character will grow.

Trippet I know very well that character thrives on hardship—but sometimes hardship corrupts a pure heart.

Jeremy (entering with Worthy)
It's he, himself, Trippet, and your loveable Jeremy.

Trippet You come just in time, gentlemen. Help us avoid the storm that threatens us. Dr. Peacock has promised his daughter to Mr. Flem.

Worthy Oh, Harriet! How can you let them drag you to the altar without making the least effort in my behalf?

Jeremy Ladies, you have only to follow us to our inn. Our horses are all saddled. We will disappear with you both.

Worthy Jeremy, I beg you. Think up some plan to prevent this detestable marriage.

Jeremy
That's what I'm dreaming up. Use your imagination, too, Trippet.
You're good at this sort of thing.

Jeremy Right. How to do it? Listen, hasn't some rich person recently died at their hands?

Jeremy That's our luck! All we have to do is to tell the Doctor that Flem says it was the Doctor's prescription that killed the patient. At the same time, we tell Mr. Flem that the Doctor is blaming everything on the way the prescription was compounded.

Trippet I tell you, it won't work. Mr. Flem and Dr. Peacock are too hand-in- glove. For twenty years they've been killing people—some of the nicest people in this city—and they never quarrel over it. And you think they're going to quarrel over a mere magistrate. Why, they've done in lords and ladies.

Jeremy
I've got another idea. This one is matchless. Is it true that Doctor
Peacock has an insurance policy on some peasant?

Jeremy So much the better. This gives me the plan, which I believe, must infallibly succeed. I would like to speak to this peasant.

Harriet You don't know how much I'll owe you if you save me from this odious husband.

Trippet Poor children. It would be a terrible shame to separate you. You only want to be together.

Jeremy (returning, and still speaking to Dudley) Yes, you have only to do as I told you and you will be delivered from the Doctor's tyranny. Until we meet again. Adieu.

Jeremy I only had two words to say to him. I've warned him. If he plays his role and all goes well, Miss Harriet will today change her name to Worthy. And, as for you, Trippet, I permit you to think of possessing me.

Jeremy I'm going to disguise myself as a Colonel. Worthy will be my Major. And, as Dr. Peacock doesn't know us because we've always been careful never to come here except when he's visiting patients—ah, what a trick I will play on him. I intend to consult him on a pretended illness. (low to Trippet) Well, Trippet, you're good at this sort of thing. What do you say to it?

Jeremy I will instruct you as we go. Let's leave now. Time is precious. I'm going to prepare everything. (to Harriet) No goodbyes, beautiful lady. (to Trippet) See you soon, you little flirt. You, Major, follow me.

Trippet Hush! Our lovers were right to leave. Here comes Mr. Flem. Follow my lead and pretend to be delighted to marry him.

Trippet Ah, ah! Mr. Flem, we've heard news of you. You want to marry my mistress?

Flem It's the Doctor who's taken it into his head that I shall marry. As for myself, I never thought of Miss Harriet because of the difference in our ages.

Trippet What difference! You're joking, Mr. Flem. Do you know, you look as young as a man of twenty-five.

Trippet
You're cute. You have regular features, good color, noble bearing,
graceful manners, and as for your figure, let Miss Harriet speak. (to
Harriet) What to you say?

Trippet And the most gallant cummerbund doesn't look better than his work apron.

Flem It's delightful to me to hear such words from your mouth, dear lady. They distill an amorous syrup in my soul. Yes, my dear, I already sense the birth in my heart of a feeling for you that I had for my late wife. Haven't I told you, doll, how we lived together, my wife and I?

Trippet Tell us about if, if you please, sir. I'm just crazy to hear about happy marriages. They're so unheard of.

Flem On my side, I had a particular care for her health. I didn't wait till she was sick to give her a remedy. Every day, by way of precaution, I made her take some medicine.

Flem When she was the least bit sick, I redoubled my efforts. Alas, the poor woman didn't live long.

Flem She had a very delicate constitution. But, if she died, if was not for want of medication. Not for want of remedies.

Flem To give her a breath of life, I didn't spare a single drug in my apothecary.

Flem For you, sweetheart, I promise to take the same care and the same attention, I lavished on my first wife.

Flem Goodbye, beautiful star. I have to leave you to find Dudley. How impatient I am to have you joined to me. When I even think of it, I am happy.

Trippet Stay of that mind. It may be helpful if we can't manage things in an honest way.

Trippet In a mood to obey you. Oh, indeed, we've had a change of mind since you left. We paid attention to your wise advice. Do you know, sir, that we've learned to love old men?

Trippet Ask Mr. Flem in what manner we received him. Presently, we have eyes only for your old friend.

Peacock I don't know if you're speaking seriously, but the fact of the matter is, an older man is better.

Trippet A thousand times better. I wish someone would give me the choice between an old man and a young musketeer. It wouldn't take me long to make up my mind, let me tell you.

Trippet Oh, yes. In place of a young man who is indulgent only towards his friends. An old husband leaves us his wealth by dying and a young one doesn't die until he's gobbled up our dowry.

Peacock Sometimes that girl is pretty smart. Now, Harriet, I'm delighted you no longer dislike Mr. Flem—

Trippet Assuredly. Now, if you were to forbid her to love him, she would love him even more.

Jeremy (disguised as a colonel) I am looking for Dr. Peacock. They say he looks rather large and bloated. Necessarily, it must be you.

Jeremy Ah, sir, let me embrace you. In the fashionable world you are often spoken of. They say you are a clever doctor and your prescriptions are written in elegant Latin.

Jeremy To show you how much honor I feel for you and everything that belongs to you, I insist on embracing them, too.

Jeremy So much the worse. When they are made like these they can be easily married off.

Peacock Well, God willing, I'm just about to marry her to an apothecary friend of mine.

Jeremy Very good idea. Your patients certainly won't have to wait for enemas and purges.

Jeremy Word of a soldier! She's you in miniature. Your eyes are the same except for the coloring. Her little nose becomes large like yours: oval face, square face; really the resemblances are astonishing in certain families.

Jeremy That maid of yours is making eyes at me. Apparently, I was made to be the sport of a wench. They always tease me.

Jeremy I am a colonel and you see me here with my major. I come to consult you about an illness.

Trippet We don't want to hear the conversation of an officer who consults a doctor.

Jeremy I want to tell you, sir—no boasting—I'm well thought of by the combat troops.

Jeremy When there's something particularly tough to do, they always call for me. Ask my major.

Jeremy
So, you see, I have all the honor and reputation I could wish.
Unfortunately, my body isn't made of iron.

Jeremy Here's how it happened to me. I reconnoitred an enemy scouting party. I attacked them; they resisted. I redoubled my efforts. They regrouped. Then, they fled. I followed them, but then I was obliged to give up the pursuit. I couldn't get my breath. They said I have swollen glands. So, since then, I've been asthmatic.

Peacock (aside) He's consulting me for his own amusement—but I will mock him in his turn. (aloud) You wish a remedy that will soothe you?

Jeremy What do I see? There's a face I've seen before. Yes, my word, it really is! It's Rosebud. Major, don't you recognize him?

Jeremy For God's sake, abandon the battlefield because you were beaten? To avenge yourself on your captain, couldn't you wait till after the battle? Major, call Sergeant Slaughter and some soldiers to take this deserter to the guardhouse.

Jeremy (folding his arms) It upsets me, gentlemen, not to be able to do as you wish. But, when it comes to punishing infractions of military rules, I am inexorable.

Jeremy (after a struggle) No. No. (to soldiers) Hurry up, take this clown without more discussion. You will see that this poor devil will die as quickly in my hands as in yours.

Trippet Why, gentlemen, if you want to kill him, why not leave him in the hands of Dr. Peacock?

Peacock (aside)
It's easy to see what the outcome will be with these people. (aloud)
Listen, Mr. Colonel, so as not to waste time talking, I am going to
count out a hundred gold pieces—or more.

Trippet What, sir, can you resist the sound of money and the prayers of a beautiful lady?

Trippet Dr. Peacock has a ten thousand pound insurance policy on the life of this man.

Jeremy What, me! For God's sake, my dear friend, if you don't have a better idea than that, Rosebud is going to hang.

Jeremy
That's easy for you to say. But, if you were in my place—the rank of
Colonel would cause you to speak differently.

Jeremy All right! You marry her and I consent at that price to spare the deserter.

Worthy I have little taste for marriage—but to please the Colonel—I'll do it. But, only if the doctor gives me a large dowry. It is not right to marry a woman who brings nothing.

Jeremy He's right, Doctor. It's necessary to make it worth his while. Make over all your wealth to him.

Peacock Your humble servant. I prefer you to hang Mr. Rosebud. I'll be off much cheaper.

Trippet Mr. Major, you seem generous. Accept my mistress on the same terms she was to be married to Mr. Flem. That's to say, for one-half the interest on the ten thousand pounds that the Doctor has put on the head of Dudley.

Jeremy I've suddenly taken it into my head to get married, too. With this flirt.

Peacock What, Colonel? You wish to marry the maid after having refused the mistress?

Jeremy I will ennoble her. There, Trippet. From wench, I make you a lady of quality.

CURTAIN

TRANSLATOR'S NOTE: A few lines of dialogue have been added to the play explaining what a tontine is. Tontines were named for an Italian Banker named Tonti who discovered the scheme. Strange as it may seem this play got Le Sage in a great deal of trouble because the government was employing the Tontine as a means of raising revenue and this play was regarded as a subversive attack on the revenue system of the monarchy.

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