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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI

VOL. 156

JUNE 18, 1919






CHARIVARIA.

Professor THATCHER of New York describes President WILSON as one of the
five greatest men in the world. Sir ERIC GEDDES is anxious to know who
the other three are.

       ***

"The Jazz boom is dying out," says Mr. HERMAN DAREWSKI, "but the next
boom will be an Oriental one." There seems nothing to do about it except
to bear up.

       ***

The fact that for some time no arrest was made for the Plaistow safe
robbery seems to indicate that the thieves desired to remain anonymous.

       ***

Like soothing balm from the dear old days comes the intimation that Sir
THOMAS LIPTON is confident of lifting the America Cup in 1920.

       ***

Up to the time of going to Press it had not been officially decided what
new uniform will be designed for the R.A.F. to be worn during the Peace
Celebrations.

       ***

The City of Philadelphia has decreed that sitting-out places in
ball-rooms must be adequately lighted. Following upon the unauthorised
publication of the Peace Terms, this is a further blow at secret
covenants.

       ***

Forty thousand children visited the Zoo on Whit-Monday, and one anxious
father who had mislaid a couple of infants stayed for a long time in the
reptile-house, looking suspiciously at the swollen appearance of the boa
constrictor.

       ***

"The people of London have never understood that wisdom is not
concentrated here," said Sir GEORGE LUNN at the conference of Associated
Education Committees. These cheap sneers at Sir FREDERICK BANBURY are
beneath his notice.

       ***

The Vicar of South Acton suggests that a huge prize should be offered
for the invention of a good temperance drink. We regret to say that this
is not the first studied insult that has been offered to Government ale.

       ***

A new race, who had never seen a white man before, is reported to have
been found on Prince Albert Land, and one of them is being taken to
Maine, U.S.A. That ought to teach them to be discovered again.

       ***

Incidentally so many errors have been made of late in executing people
in Russia that in future all orders for executions will be signed by
LENIN and will bear the words, "Errors and Omissions Excepted."

       ***

The Bolshevists have their trials just like human beings. One of them
last week was mistaken for a bourgeois and shot.

       ***

Civil servants engaged by the various Ministries will in future be
required to have special qualifications for their work. We have always
thought that this would be an advantage.

       ***

Señor FERNANDEZ denies the allegation that Mexico is not now at war with
any nation. It is supposed to have been spread by jealous rivals.

       ***

In the Isle of Sheppey there is not a single person who is drawing the
unemployment donation. There seems to be no excuse whatever for this
apathy. Full particulars have appeared in the Press.

       ***

The embargo on the export of gold from the United States is to be raised
almost immediately; meanwhile all shipments will be carefully watched,
the stuff being now nearly worth its weight in coal.

       ***

County Tyrone has a dog specially trained to trace whiskey. Several
people in this country have already offered it a good home, where it
will be treated as one of the family.

       ***

Asked to describe the cuckoo the other day, a small boy said it was the
bird which put its eggs out to be laid by another bird.

       ***

At last an obliging taxi-driver has been discovered. His clock
registered six shillings and his passenger had only five-and-sixpence,
so he offered to reverse his engine in order to wipe off the deficit.

       ***

We now hear that the authorities have decided that, if a child should
fall into any lake or river and be in peril of drowning, any dog may be
allowed to remove its muzzle for the purpose of effecting a rescue.

       ***

During the removal of a safe weighing three hundredweight some burglars
last week used cushions and mats to deaden the sound. We are greatly
pleased to note a tendency to study residents a little. After all it is
most irritating to be awakened by noisy burglars in the house.

       ***

The No-Treating Order was revoked on June 4th, and it is generally
expected that this date will be made an annual, public holiday in
Scotland.

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: _Small Bagsnatcher_. "RIGHT-O, GUV'NOR. I SEE YER BEEN
WOUNDED. I SHAN'T KNOCK 'YER ABAHT."]

       *       *       *       *       *

  There was an impenitent duke
  Who would not submit to rebuke--
      Not even from SMILLIE,
      But called him a wily
  Text-mongering Bolshi-Bazouk.

       *       *       *       *       *

    "PERSONAL.

    "Major C. ----, late R.A.V.C., who is now disembodied, has returned
    to ----, and will resume his practice as heretofore."--_Yorkshire
    Observer_.

Now then, Sir OLIVER LODGE and Sir ARTHUR CONAN DOYLE, get busy.

       *       *       *       *       *

THE BALAAM STAKES.

They were speeding along in the train to the Dispersal Area, and, having
moved heaven and earth to achieve demobilisation, were now absolutely
miserable on nearing their goal.

"Like to pick your fancy for the Derby, Docker?" asked Jimmy Ferguson,
proffering his daily paper with an air of acute cheerfulness.

"Not fer me," said Docker Morgan dismally; "I sworn off after the Balaam
Stakes."

"I never 'eard tell of that race," said Jimmy.

"Well, it ain't one of the classic events. It were run over there."
Docker jerked a thumb vaguely in the direction of France. "At a
'Concours Hippique,' which is posh fer 'Race Meeting.' Our orficers
arranged it just afore our troops left the area, and nacherally fixed
it fer the most awkward time fer me an' Nigger Rolf, being just between
paydays. After payin' to go on the course we'd only got five francs
left fer investment purposes. Nigger wanted to plunge right away, but I
stopped 'im.

"'No,' says I; 'we don't know 'orses, but we does know mules, leastways
as much as anyone does know mules. Let's scoop on this.'

"'An' I showed 'im the programme, which said:--

"'5.30.--THE BALAAM STAKES. For Government Mules ridden or driven by
British N.C.O.'s and men during the War.'

"We walked round the course an' tumbled acrost Ping Brown, got up _ong
chevalier_.

"'Aw-aw, Donoghue' says I, 'is it worth while backing you for a cool
thou for the Balaam?'

"'Well,' says he, 'I'm riding Perishing Percy. If it wus a clog-dancing
competition it 'ud be easy money, but bein' a race, back any one, even
the starter, sooner than me.'

"Then I met Spruggy Boyce, who useter drive with me in the Umpteenth
Field Ambulance.

"'Glory, Docker,' says he, falling on my neck, his top-boots being a bit
loose, 'I was looking for you.'

"'I ain't got no money,' says I.

"'But you _can_ 'ave,' he whispers confidential, like they do in the
pictures. 'I'm riding Red Liz in the Balaam.'

"'Well,' I replies, 'I'm not denying that Red Liz is a perfect lady; but
that's 'er trouble--she's too ladylike to pass anyone.'

"'Docker,' he hisses, 'do you remember driving 'er one day down the
Menin Road when Fritz started shelling?'

"'Don't I just! Why, she didn't fetch up till nearly at St. Omer, and
the shells lost heart becos they couldn't catch 'er. But,' I says
regretfully, it takes shells to start Red Liz, an' we ain't got none.'

"'No, we 'aven't got shells,' whispers Spruggy, 'but I 've got some
crackers; an' if you sprinkle some on the course, it's a cert.'

"'Right-o!' says I. 'Me an' Nigger will see it through, if you'll lend
us another five francs to invest.'

"Then I went to _cherchay_ a bookie, but I couldn't find one anywheres.

"'They don't 'ave 'em 'ere,' says Nigger. 'You invests at the sheds over
there--the _Paree Mutual_.'

"'That's an insurance company,' answers I. 'I want to put a bit on, not
take out a life policy.'

"'That's the place, I tells you,' says Nigger; 'the _Paree Mutual_ or
the _Total Liza_. If you don't 'urry you won't get it on before the race
starts.'

"So I fights my way through the surging mob to the counter.

"'What odds for Red Liz in the five-thirty?' says I.

"'_Je ne comprong pas_,' says the bet merchant, and before I could say
another word the crowd swept me away. I went back to Nigger.

"'Look 'ere, Nigger,' says I indignantly, 'I don't like this way. I
likes to speckerlate with a bookie--one with a wooden leg as can't run
for preference--who tells you what odds 'e's going to give an' doesn't
'ave to work it out in vulgar fractions afterwards.'

"'You 'eart-breaking turnip!' says Nigger; 'give me the money.'

"'E came back in a few minutes with a bit o' card that looked like a
pawn-ticket.

"'That's done,' he says. 'If it wins we just takes this ticket an' 'e
pays out on it. An' now let's go an' see 'em come out.'

"There wus ten starters, and four changed their minds at the post.
Perishing Percy did some neat an' effective steps that would 'ave gone
better with music, an' then stopped dead to listen for the applause.
Whips nor spurs weren't allowed in the race, an' peaceful persuasion
don't go far with a mule; but about five of 'em pursued the narrow and
straight path that leads to the winning-post. A big, raw-boned animal,
named Gentle Maggot, floundering along with one foot in the franc side
an' tother in the enclosure, with two other feet that couldn't be
simultaneously located, was leading, an' a chestnut named Coughdrop was
a good second. Red Liz was flapping her long ears an' coming along very
genteelly in the rear. When they wus nearly level to us, Nigger whispers
to me to get the cracker ready; but me hands were trembling so with
excitement that I couldn't light it.

"'Give 'em to me, you idjut!' says Nigger, and he plunked one neatly by
Red Liz's ribs. She started, and Nigger plants another one behind 'er.
Then she put 'er 'ead down and tore along like mad. She passed three,
got level with Coughdrop, passed 'er, an' thirty yards from home was
neck with Gentle Maggot. Both Jocks were whooping like mad, but just as
everyone was swearing it was going to be a dead-heat, I thumped Nigger
hard on the back an' yelled out, 'We've won!'

"Spruggy 'ad jerked Red Liz's head down just at the post, an' she 'ad
won by an ear!"

"Well, that was good enough, wasn't it?" said Jimmy, as Docker finished
his narrative with a mournful downward inflexion of voice.

"It would 'ave been," replied Docker; "only Nigger 'ad put the ticket in
'is mouth while 'e lighted the cracker, an' when I thumped 'im on the
back it startled 'im, an'--'_e swallered it_."

       *       *       *       *       *

SONGS OF SIMLA.

IV.--MRS. HAWKSBEE.

  Hazards beset her social groove;
    Dilemmas rise--she wriggles free;
  Landslip or earthquake cannot move
    Her imperturbability.

  Where 'er she goes her presence thrills,
    And in her youthfulness there shines
  The everlasting of our hills,
    The evergreenness of our pines.

  Hung in a poise that knows no law
    The kestrels watch above the trees,
  But never was kestrel yet that saw
    The half that Mrs. Hawksbee sees.

  Rosy and smiling mid her furs
    Along the Mall her way she trips
  With subalterns whose worship stirs
    The cynic swiftness of her lips.

  When Jakko-wards her rickshaw sweeps,
    The monkeys scamper o'er the grass,
  And breathlessly each rascal peeps
    To see the Queen of mischief pass.

  Our Viceroys know the call of Fate;
    Our Generals pass nor question why;
  Councils dissolve and Staffs migrate,
    But Mrs. Hawksbee shall not die.

  J.M.S.

       *       *       *       *       *

    "So far from the wage-earning classes being shown the necessity for
    a revival in our industry, the Prime Minister talks nonsense about
    'removing the sceptre of unemployment.'"--_Morning Paper_.

This will comfort those who were afraid that it was permanently
enthroned.

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: THE FINISHING TOUCH.]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: _Small Brother (to rejected lover)._ "BUT JOHN, DIDN'T
YOU TELL HER YOU'D PLAYED FOR ESSEX?"]

       *       *       *       *       *

THE POET.

In a distant country, at a remote epoch, was born of humble parents a
poet. "Born" advisedly, since the poet is always born, not made. Even
before he could write he composed little poems, which he would
recite aloud. The simple pleasures of the poor, among whom he grew
up--intoxication, pugilism, funeral merry-makings--furnished the themes
of his verse.

Upon reaching man's estate he adopted the calling of night-watchman,
an occupation which provided him at once with a livelihood and ample
opportunities for meditation. It is to this period that the "Nocturnes"
belong.

Now it happened that the poet's work reached the eye of the Prince, who,
anxious to encourage genius, appointed him to some minor place about
Court and endowed it with a pension. Moreover, to complete his happiness
he gave him in marriage a beautiful and accomplished maiden, for whom
the poet had long cherished an ardent but hopeless passion. So, as by
enchantment, the course of the poet's existence was changed. He no
longer waked while others slept. On the contrary he seldom left his
couch until a late hour in the morning, and when at last he rose it was
often to pass the rest of the day in a Turkish bath.

Yet in spite of altered circumstances he still remained a poet, for the
poet is born, not made, or unmade. The tenor of his poetry however
was changed. Instead of the rude and vigorous subjects which formerly
engaged his lyre he would now employ his art in verse of the daintiest,
to celebrate flowers, ladies' eyebrows and similar trivialities.

This style however was not altogether to the taste of the munificent
Prince. He had expected something stronger, something more in the grand
manner. So he consulted a Wise Man, an adept in the ways of poets, one
greatly in demand as a writer of biographical prefaces to poetical
reprints.

The Wise Man heard him to the end and replied as follows: "Sire, you
have been ill-advised. Who ever heard of a happy poet? Poetry and
prosperity are incompatible. Instead of trying to make your _protégé_
joyful you should have heaped sorrow upon him. It is well known that
sorrow ennobles a man and enlarges his emotional experience. 'Poets
learn in suffering what they teach in song' sang one of them who knew.

"However it is not too late. When next he seeks your Presence, indicate
to him with that tact which is the birthright of princes that he no
longer enjoys your favour. At the same time stop his pension and allow
him to taste once more the life from which your bounty removed him.
Could you contrive that he loses the affection of his wife, and that he
falls into a consumption, so much the better. In addition, if it please
your Highness, I will arrange that all his work is unfavourably noticed
in the Press and that calumnies concerning his private life are
circulated in the personal paragraph columns."

"Thanks very much," said the Prince, and dismissed the Wise Man with a
handsome fee.

A few days later, when the poet presented himself at Court, the monarch
rose from his throne, took a short run and kicked him in a vulnerable
part. Breathless the poet was borne by lackeys from the royal presence,
wherein he never again showed himself. At the next meeting of the
Council the Prince annulled his pension by a stroke of the pen. Thus the
poet was thrust back into the cold world.

Now began a period for him of intense unhappiness. Having lost his old
business connection he could no longer obtain employment in his original
vocation. He had therefore no alternative to avert starvation but to
follow the precarious calling of a cab-runner. These events, it will
be recalled, happened in a bygone age, before the motor superseded
the horse. Often, after a weary trail half across the town behind a
luggage-laden Cab, only to find that the family kept a man-servant,
he would return to the cellar that was now his home, penniless and
exhausted.

Long hours spent over the washtub, to eke out their scanty earnings, had
rendered his wife--once the "Fay" of the "Love Songs"--both muscular and
short-tempered. On such occasions she would lay hands on the poet and
thrash him till he wept. But throughout all he remained a poet, for the
poet is born not made. Every tear in falling turned to a sonnet.
His sorrows were transmuted into poems--poems now suffused with the
concentrated emotions of the human race.

Nevertheless each one as it appeared was brutally slated in the organs
controlled by the literary adviser to the Crown, and himself belittled
and ridiculed. When, as luck would have it, his wife eloped with a
wrestler, a flood of melody poured from his soul which, connoisseurs
have assured us, ranks high amongst the lyrical masterpieces of the
world. These verses will be found amongst the collection known as
"Swan Songs," published posthumously, for, not long after, the poet
unfortunately developed phthisis and died.

But though he was thus cut-off in early manhood his name will live for
ever. It is borne by a square in the boarding-house quarter of the
capital and by a cravat which, though, alas, no longer in the fashion,
is still worn every Sunday by countless artisans.

His poems too have achieved immortality. Showily bound they make a
favourite school prize and have given entertainment to generations of
cultured refined persons, who have never paused in their reading to give
a thought to the author of their enjoyment, the sagacious Prince to
whose action they owe their emotional treat. His royal Highness's reward
was his own aesthetic satisfaction. "By Heaven, this is more like," he
rapturously exclaimed as he laid down the last volume of the collected
works; "this verse has got some stuff in it." And on the occasion of his
next birthday he conferred the Companionship of a Household Order upon
the poet's publisher.

       *       *       *       *       *

    "Lord Basil's scratching is said to be due to soreness."--_Daily
    Sketch_.

It frequently is.

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: OUR WEALTHY WORKERS.

_Host (to guest with Socialistic opinions)._ "I hope you'll be careful
what you have to say about the moneyed classes. Our maid is very
sensitive."]

       *       *       *       *       *

BIRD-LORE.

I.--THE CUCKOO.

  The Cuckoo is a tell-tale,
    A mischief-making bird;
  She flies to East, she flies to West
  And whispers into every nest
    The wicked things she's heard;
  She loves to spread her naughty lies;
  She laughs about it as she flies:
  "Cuckoo," she cries, "cuckoo, cuckoo,
      It's true, it's true."

  And when the fairies catch her
    Her busy wings they dock,
  They shut her up for evermore
  (She may not go beyond the door)
    Inside a German clock;
  Inside a wooden clock she cowers
  And has to tell the proper hours--
  "Cuckoo," she cries, "cuckoo, cuckoo,
      It's true, it's true."

  R.F.

       *       *       *       *       *

"THE SILENT SERVICE."

    "Horace ----, labourer, was charged with using insulting language.
    He was said to be training for the Navy and the case was accordingly
    dismissed."--_Local Paper_.

       *       *       *       *       *

    "If people would wear the same underclothing all the year round,
    and with or without the aid of a thermometer against their bedroom
    window vary their outer garments only, they would never be
    inconvenienced by changes of temperature."--_Letter in Daily Paper_.

And they would make an appreciable saving in their laundry bills.

       *       *       *       *       *

THE MUD LARKS.

"_Gurr finny,"_ says T. Atkins, and there seems no doubt about the
well-known War being over at last. Home-keeping folk, who imagine it
ended when the whistle blew at the eleventh hour of November 11th, are
wide, very wide, of the mark. We have experienced some of its direst
horrors since then. Why, at one time (and not so long ago) we were
without the bare necessities of life itself.

I have seen hardy old soldiers; banded like zebras with wound-stripes
and field-service chevrons, offering to barter a perfectly good horse
for a packet of Ruby Queen cigarettes, or swap a battery of Howitzers
for a flagon of Scotch methylated. Then came the Great Downfall. Nabobs,
who for years had been purring about back areas in expensive cars,
dressed up like movie-kings, were suddenly debussed and dismantled.
Brigadiers sorrowfully plucked the bâtons from off their shoulder-straps
and replaced them in their knapsacks. The waste-paper baskets brimmed
with red flannelette and gilt edging. Field officers cast down their
golden crowns and crept slowly back to their original units as
substantive lieutenants.

And now all are gone, some home to England to write for _The Times_
(Appointments Required column) and some to watch the Rhine and see that
it gets up to no irregularities, such as running the wrong way or dry.
Here, on the fringe of the old battle-grounds, only the merest handful
of us remain, deserted by the field armies, apparently forgotten by the
management.

It has happened before. Bob, our Camp Commandant, swears that a
battalion of his regiment, while garrisoning some ocean isle, got
mislaid for years and years, and they would have been there to this day,
chatting to the crabs and watering the palm-trees with their tears, if
some junior subaltern had not sent his birthday-book to KITCHENER with
the request that the Field-Marshal would inscribe some verses therein.

Occasionally the boom of explosions coming from the devastated areas
tells us that our brave allies the Chinese are still on deck, salvaging
ammunition after their own unique fashion of rapping shells smartly over
the nose-caps with sledge-hammers to test whether they be really duds or
no.

Although a very courageous man, I do not linger in their whereabouts
unless I have to. I don't follow their line of thought. One of them
unearthed a MILLS bomb the other day. It gave off blue smoke and fizzed
prettily. When last seen he was holding it to the ear of a chum, who was
smiling entrancedly, as a child smiles at the croon of a conch-shell.

By the way, whilst we are on the subject, who is this MILLS? The
illustrated papers have shown us THE MAN WHO WON THE WAR, the
thousand-and-one sole and only inventors of Tinribs the Tank; their
prattle-pages are crammed daily with portraits of war-worn flag-sellers,
heroic O.B.E.'s, and so on; but what of our other benefactors, the names
of whom are far more familiar to the average Atkins than are those of
the Twelve Apostles or his own Generals? I confess, to a great desire
to behold the features of Mr. MILLS, the bombster (I picture him a
benevolent-looking old gentleman with a flowing white beard), Mr. STOKES
of the gun, Mrs. AYRTON of the gas-fan, and Messrs. ARMSTRONG and
NISSEN, the hutters. Can no enterprising picture-paper supply the want?

But to return to ourselves. With the exception of the faithful
Celestial, the land is empty of human interest. The roads that once
rumbled unceasingly with wheels and swarmed with merry men now run bare
under a sad sky. The deepway side drains, in which our lorries used to
play at submarines, now harbour nothing more exciting than tadpoles. We
are hard-pressed to find mischief for our idle hands to do.

Sherlock the Sleuth keeps himself in fair fettle by prowling round the
countryside and trying to restrain the aborigines from pinching what
little British material they have not already pinched. Yesterday he came
upon a fatigue party of Gauls staggering down a by-way under the shell
of an Armstrong hut. He whooped and gave chase. The Gauls, sighting the
A.P.M. brassard, promptly dumped the hut and dived through a wire fence.
Sherlock hitched his horse to a post and followed afoot, snorting fire
and brimstone. They led him at a smart trot over four acres of boggy
plough, through a brambly plantation, two prickly hedges and a
richly-perfumed drain and went to ground inextricably in some
mine buildings. He returned, blown, battered and baffled, to the
starting-point, to find that some third party had in the meantime
removed the Armstrong hut--also his horse.

Ronald, our only remaining Red Hat, saves his soul from boredom by
keeping all the H.Q. departments open and conducting, on his own, a
brisk correspondence between them. As there are about thirty of these
and he conducts them all himself it will be understood that this entails
a certain amount of movement on his part.

Bob, the Camp Commandant, spends his time trying to square his returns
and interviewing Violet. Violet is a middle-aged gentleman who came to
us from some Labour unit and refuses to leave. He has an enormous head,
a walrus moustache, a hairy nose, and feet which flap as they walk. His
_métier_ is to keep the place tidy and the incinerator fires burning. He
prowls about at night, accompanied by a large ginger tom-cat, harpooning
loose scraps of paper. Any dust he meets he deals with on the
blotting-paper principle, by rolling in it and absorbing it. When his
clothes are so stiff with dirt that they will stand up without any
inside assistance from Violet, they are sawn off him and consigned to
the incinerator and he is given a new suit. Whenever his back hair has
grown so long that it is liable to impede his movements, a _posse_ of
grooms is despatched to his lair to rope, throw and shear him with
horse-clippers. Last time they did it they swear they lost the
instrument twice and that two bats and an owl flew out of his tresses.

He is allowed out only at night, because the German prisoners laugh at
him, which is bad for his _moral_ and good for theirs. He lives, he and
his cat, deep in the chateau woods in a tiny semi-subterranean cabin he
has constructed of odds and ends of tin and tar-paper. He was supposed
to have been demobilised ages ago, but we cannot get him off the
premises.

Bob goes and interviews him on the subject about three times a day--all
to no avail. "'Tain't a bit o' use you comin' an' flappin' them there
paperses at me, Mister" (all officers, irrespective of rank, are
"Mister" to Violet), says he to Bob; "you know very well I aren't no
scholard an' I won't sign nothin' I can't read, even if I could sign,
which I can't, bein' no scholard; so there's the end of it, as I've told
you scores of times before, with all due respect, of course, as the
sayin' is."

He doesn't want to go home and he _won't_ go home, he says. His wife
beats him "somethink crool," he says; in fact he never knew what real
peace meant until war broke out. Furthermore she has been putting on
a lot of muscle of late and demobilisation means certain death. He
is going to stay where he is. What with the ginger cat's poaching
proclivities and the bully beef he has buried in the plantation he can
hold out almost indefinitely, he says; so there is no cause for us to be
anxious on his behalf. When we come back for the next war we shall find
him on the old stand, ready to resume business, he says, and for his
part the next war can't break out any too soon.

The remainder of Bob's time, as I said before, is occupied in trying to
square his establishment returns. Some time ago he discovered that he
was a water-cart short. This was serious, very. A water-cart is a large
and expensive item, and as far as he could see it would end in his
having to make good the loss out of his own pocket, which at that moment
contained ten centimes and a corkscrew.

However he was determined he would see what a little applied cunning
would do first. He locked himself into his office and took thought.
After an hour's violent mental disturbance he penned a letter to the
authorities, saying that his establishment was complete in all details,
with the exception of one water-bottle. As, however, he had come by
several superfluous knives, spoons and forks considerably exceeding the
water-bottle in value, might they be taken in exchange and the account
squared? The Government would be greatly the gainer thereby.

Four days later he was notified that the transaction was approved. After
waiting till he was reasonably certain that the correspondence was
safely lost, burnt or consigned to impenetrable archives, he sent the
following wire:--

"Reference my R.L.217, dated April 1st, for 'bottle' read 'cart.'"

The reply came back, "Noted."

PATLANDER.

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: ANOTHER TUBE CRUSH.]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illus: _Instructress_. "ALL YOU WANT NOW IS A LITTLE POLISHING."]

       *       *       *       *       *

OUR WONDERFUL WORLD.

    "Three Geese and Gander, Four Chicks and Drake; all laying."--
    _Bolton Evening News_

       *       *       *       *       *

    "Mr. Marston, the President [of the Policemen's Union], stated
    that the time for action will arrive after the tripe alliance at
    Southport on June 24."----_Provincial Paper_

An offal prospect.

       *       *       *       *       *

    "The pages were in the khaki uniform of the Cadet Corps of the
    1st-5th crepe de chine, trimmed with cream lace and blue crepe
    de chine, trimmed with cream lace and blue ribbons, and carried
    directoire silver-knobbed sticks, tied with blue ribbon and pink
    roses, gifts of the bridegroom."--_Mid-Devon Times_.

The 1st-5th have always been famous for their dressiness.

       *       *       *       *       *

THE ARCHAEOLOGISTS; OR, THE FIGHT AGAINST REACTION.

    MY DEAR KNOTT,--It has occurred to me that since the closing of our
    little V.A.D. depôt there is a good deal of energy in Filby without
    a suitable outlet, and I am writing to you on the matter as I feel
    sure you will have some helpful suggestion to make.

    Of course a great deal of this energy might be profitably expended
    on the ever-increasing spiritual needs of the parish, but I feel
    that if some society of a secular character were got up just now it
    would be helpful, especially to the female portion of our community.

    Miss Timlin has suggested a Philatelic Society, and I shall be
    pleased to hear your views on her proposal.

    Believe me,

    Yours ever sincerely,

    THEODORE BLAND.


    DEAR VICAR,--I have your letter and quite agree as to the
    advisability of starting some society for working off the latent
    energy which has accumulated since the demise of the War and the
    consequent closing down of War activities. I do not however fancy
    Philately as a safety-valve. I suppose one _could_ stand up to
    stick stamps in a book, and would get a certain amount of physical
    exercise in going about swapping duds and duplicates, but generally
    speaking it is a sedentary occupation and, to my mind, a selfish
    one.

    As you ask for a suggestion from me, I propose an Archaeological
    Society. The pursuit of Archaeology has this advantage: it connotes
    digging, an aptitude for which has been distinctly fostered here by
    the allotment habit.

    As for our objective, without going further than Filby there is the
    alleged tunnel leading from the ruins of the nunnery to no one
    knows where. It would be interesting to know whether the
    thirteenth-century Lord of Filby had a private way (on the score of
    feudalities) to the Ursuline convent, or whether the good nuns had a
    back-way to the Old Swan for the conveyance of mead, sack and such
    other strong waters as the times and licensing laws afforded.
    But perhaps the tunnel, like most things, is controlled, and a
    _mandamus_ (which, I take it, is a kind of ecclesiastical coupon)
    would be required before we could touch it.

    Of course there are a mound and the foundations of an old wall in
    my paddock which the Society are welcome to tackle. Don't you think
    they would do to begin on?

    Yours sincerely,

    ARCHIBALD C. KNOTT.


    MY DEAR KNOTT,--Many thanks for your valuable help. I think you may
    expect quite a good turn up of members on Tuesday. I have always
    thought that the tumulus in your field might yield some interesting
    archaeological find. The land and a former mansion were part of the
    Convent demesne, as you probably know. I am sorry that I shall not
    be present as I have to attend the Bishop's Conference at Bray
    Chester, which is expected to last a week or two.

    Wishing you all success and with kind regards to yourself and Mrs.
    Knott,

    I am,

    Yours ever sincerely,

    THEODORE BLAND.


    MY DEAR VICAR,--Thanks for yours. I am very sorry you have been
    called away at such a time.

    The first meeting was so successful that a second was fixed for
    Wednesday. But enthusiasm seemed to flag on Wednesday evening, as
    nothing of interest had been discovered.

    A few die-hards agreed to put in some hours' digging on Thursday,
    when Colonel Stacey and Mrs. Cottingham each dug up a Roman bronze
    coin (both denarii, I fancy) from the mound. This of course acted as
    a great stimulant, and we had a bumper meeting on Friday. Stacey, I
    understand, intends to read a paper, at the first indoor meeting of
    the society, on the Roman occupation of Filby-in-the-Wold. The mound
    is now levelled, and the wall foundations have all been dug up and
    carted away; but the latter yielded nothing of interest.

    Hoping that the Conference is going as you would wish,

    I am,

    Yours sincerely,

    ARCHIBALD C. KNOTT.

    P.S.--Couldn't you touch up the Bishop on the subject of the Convent
    tube?


    DEAR VICAR,--We have had an archaeological strike. The mound is
    levelled, the wall foundations have disappeared, and so have the
    diggers. I am afraid the Society are now awaiting your return to
    give them a lead. My grounds, alas, have produced nothing beyond the
    two denarii.

    Yours sincerely,

    ARCHIBALD C. KNOTT.


    _[Extract.]_

    DEAR BOY,--Your mother and I are delighted that you will be demobbed
    in about a week from now.... By the way you will be glad to hear
    that we can start making that second tennis-court in the paddock as
    soon as you get back. I have had the remains of what was known as
    Knott's Folly in your great-grandfather's day removed, at a total
    cost of two denarii (which had been lying in a drawer in my
    dressing-room for years); not so bad, considering the present cost
    of labour. But of this more anon.

    Your affectionate

    FATHER.

       *       *       *       *       *

A CRICKET BARGAIN.

_(Before the match.)_

  We meet as foes, my James, this summer weather,
    But sterner summers saw us twain in league;
  Shoulder to shoulder have we stood together
          On Q.M.S. fatigue.

  So, when (ninth wicket down) to-day I enter
    Upon my tenure of the crease and gaze
  Nervously at you, having taken centre,
          Remember bygone days.

  Abate your skill, so shall my nerves grow firmer,
    Till driving seems the easiest of jobs,
  And passers-by shall pause and haply murmur,
          "Golly, can that be HOBBS?"

  Do this for me, and you'll discover later
    How fame awaits the generous and good;
  A few long hops shall win a glory greater
          Than ever break-back could.

  If for a ball or two you let me smite you,
    Running amok with dashing bat and bold,
  My Muse shall have instructions to requite you
          Even an hundredfold.

  You shall she hymn in strains that do not falter,
    Proclaim of you for all who run to read:--
  "He sacrificed his length on friendship's altar;
          He was a pal indeed."

       *       *       *       *       *

FOR THE CHILDREN.

At this season, when their own children are already counting the days
that lie between them and their holidays, Mr. Punch appeals to his
kind readers not to forget the greater needs of the children in our
elementary schools. The cost of sending them away to the sea or
countryside for fresh air and change of scene is constantly increasing
and the Children's Country Holidays Fund cannot keep up its good
work without generous help. There can be no better way of making a
Peace-offering than by helping to build up the health and strength of
the new generation. Mr. Punch begs that liberal gifts may be sent to the
Secretary of the Fund at 18, Buckingham Street, Strand, W.C.2.

       *       *       *       *       *

SCENES FROM OUR GREAT FILM: "AUDACITY DOWN THE AGES."

[Illustration: MYTHICAL ENGINEER MAKING A SUGGESTION TO SISYPHUS.]

[Illustration: GLADIATOR CALLING FOR MORE AND LARGER LIONS.]

[Illustration: ANCIENT BRITON DEFYING HIS CHIEF, AND REFUSING TO WOAD.]

[Illustration: ROMAN COMMERCIAL TRAVELLER TRYING TO SELL SAFETY RAZORS
TO THE DRUIDS.]

[Illustration: KNIGHT, ABOUT TO UNDERGO THE "TRIAL BY COMBAT," OFFERING
TO BACK HIMSELF "TO WIN OR A PLACE."]

[Illustration: AMBIDEXTROUS FLOWER-GIRL SELLING RED AND WHITE FAVOURS
DURING THE WARS OF THE ROSES.]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: _Milliner_. "THAT MODEL IS FIFTEEN GUINEAS, MODOM."

_Customer_. "HOW MUCH WOULD IT BE IF THE FEATHER WERE REMOVED?"

_Milliner_. "FIFTEEN-AND-A-HALF GUINEAS, MODOM. YOU SEE, LABOUR IS SO
DEAR."]

       *       *       *       *       *

ON THE HIGH C.'S.

  Doubtless you have often heard
  Of the thrush, that gladsome bird,
  Who will warble any day,
  Be it cold or wet or gray.
  I suppose her mother taught her
  That the worms are fond of water,
  So that neither sleet nor slush
  Bridles that eupeptic thrush.

  Such a one was Johnny Carr
  (Sub-Lieutenant R.N.R.).
  I have never caught him yet
  Out of sorts when it was wet;
  He will hum when tempests howl,
  Whistle midst the thunder's growl,
  And I've seen him sing for joy,
  Clinging to a punctured buoy,
  While his gallant T.B.D.
  Sank beside him in the sea.

  No one knows exactly when or
  Why he came to call it tenor,
  But the fact remains he sang
  With a subtle nasal twang
  Just because he liked to do so
  (He was Carr, but not CARUSO),
  And with such a force of lung
  That, whatever tune he sung,
  It was like a projectile
  With a range of twenty mile.

  'Twas the thirty-first of May.
  On that memorable day,
  Flitting like a restless ghost
  Somewhere off the Danish coast,
  His destroyer, all agog,
  Butted through the clinging fog,
  When for just a space the gray
  Mists of morning rolled away.
  Ah! but how their pulses beat
  When they saw the High Seas Fleet
  Nosing noiseless as a dream
  Barely half-a-mile abeam;
  Then the filmy mists anew
  Blotted everything from view.
  John, astounded at the sight,
  Sang aloud with all his might.

  But the German, seeing nought,
  Only hearing what he thought
  Must be twelve-inch guns at least
  Firing at him from the East,
  Felt that it was time to hook it,
  Saw his chance and boldly took it.

  Northward fast he sailed once more
  Till he heard the _Lion_ roar,
  And before he could retreat he
  Found himself engaged with BEATTY,
  Who, as you already know,
  Led him on to JELLICOE.
  There I leave him, for, you see,
  All the rest is history.


  _All_ the rest?  Well, not quite all;
  For perhaps you may recall
  How, when night was falling fast,
  A reverberating blast
  Far away was dimly heard
  Which, the sailormen averred,
  Was the Germans who had strayed
  In amongst the mines we laid.

  They were wrong. The fighting over,
  Johnny's ship returned to Dover,
  And the sound they heard afar
  Was the jocund voice of Carr
  Singing fit to burst his torso,
  Like the song-thrush (only more so).

       *       *       *       *       *

    "ROYAL ARMY MEDICAL CORPS FUND.--At the Savoy Hotel, on June 11, at
    8 p.m. Service dress--khaki with trousers--or evening dress, with
    miniatures."--_Times._

The price of clothes was bound to lead to something of this sort.

       *       *       *       *       *

From an article on "The Representative Man":--

    "Gladstone and John Bright alike came out of Lancashire. How natural
    to fmgeine etther of those startling ogposites proclaiming with
    entire conviction, that when he samped himself he foundthimself to
    be a 'Typical Englishman.' The diversity of types however does not
    help us much."--_Indian Paper_.

True, we find it most confusing.

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: IN THE SUBSCRIPTION LISTS.

SAINT GEORGE COLLECTS FOR MERRIE ENGLAND.]

       *       *       *       *       *

THE PUFF UNIVERSAL.

    ["A Father," writing in _The Times_ of June 10th, protests
    vigorously against the cult of "powdered noses."]

  When the deadly sky-rover
  Came frequently over
    And London was darkened at night,
  Girls powdered their noses
  (Or so one supposes)
    As lamp-posts were painted with white;
  But now when full moons
  Bring no bombs or maroons,
    I ask is it proper or right?

  Amanda's complexion
  Will challenge inspection--
    'Tis healthy and rosy and fine;
  But she says that if powder
  Were never allowed her
    Her nose would infallibly shine.
  Did Victorian Flossie
  Or Gladys, when glossy
    Of nose, to such methods incline?
  No, they patiently scrubbed it,
  Rough-towelled and rubbed it
    Until it was brought into line.

  We have long been acquainted
  With ladies who painted
    To mimic a juvenile mien;
  But I'd ban _sans_ compassion
  The powdering fashion
    When practised by sweet seventeen;
  And I wish that wise mothers
  And sensible brothers
    Would let their abhorrence be seen.

  I'm only "a father,"
  Old-fashioned and rather
    Deficient in stiffness of spine,
  So, feeling unequal
  To facing the sequel,
    My name I'm unwilling to sign;
  For the call for more powder
  Grows stronger and louder
    From every daughter of mine,
  And any restriction
  Of puffs or nose-friction
    Would end in a general "shine."

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: _Vicar_. "I'M SORRY TO HEAR THAT YOUR HUSBAND IS IN GAOL
AGAIN, MRS. STIBBS. STEALING A WATCH, EH?"

_Mrs. Stibbs_. "YES, SIR. BUT 'TAIN'T 'IS FAULT THIS TIME. THE
MAGISTRATE SAID 'ISSELF THAT JOE DIDN'T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN
'MEUM AND TOOUM,' AN' IN 'IS IGNORANCE 'E'D DONE A BIT O' 'TOOUMING.'"]

       *       *       *       *       *

OUR MOVIE-MINISTERS.

(_Deductions by a Political Expert.)_

The admirable plan of transplanting Ministers admittedly doing excellent
work in their departments just as they are settling down in the saddle,
though generally commended by supporters of the Government, is
meeting with a certain amount of criticism. Appointments which show
"imagination" are, it is urged, shorn of their possibilities when the
holders are moved on just when they are beginning to provide the public
with sensation.

Speculations are rife as to the appointment of a new Minister of
Education, and the best-informed opinion inclines to the view that Sir
ERIC GEDDES, who has occupied his present position for quite a number
of weeks, will succeed Mr. FISHER. Some experts however hold that the
PREMIER has a magnificent opportunity for displaying his imagination
by the choice of Mr. WELLS, who is burning to disprove the recent
astounding allegation of General WILSON that the War could not have been
won without the Universities. The chief objection to Mr. WELLS, however,
is that he cannot be transferred, because he is not already in office;
and this drawback also operates in the case of Mr. SMILLIE and Mr.
BOTTOMLEY.

In this context it is to be noted that Lord READING (so at least we
understand from the peculiarly plaintive smile which he wears in recent
photographs) is much disappointed that the claims of Mr. T.P. O'CONNOR
to the post of Ambassador at Washington have so far failed of due
recognition. American antagonism over the Irish Question has not been
conciliated by this strange oversight.

       *       *       *       *       *

THINGS THAT MIGHT HAVE BEEN WORDED DIFFERENTLY.

From the official organ of the Surplus Government Property Disposal
Board:

    "Sales by Auction of Surplus Horses by arrangement with the Food
    Production Department of the Board of Agriculture."

       *       *       *       *       *

    "A grand Mahogany Bedstead, 9-1/2' x 8', with posts and testers
    complete, meant for Rajas and Zemindars. Can also accommodate 4
    middle-class people comfortably. Going for Rs. 500."--_Advt. in
    Indian Paper_.

Mr. KENNEDY JONES will kindly call the attention of the Middle Classes
Union to this proposed congestion.

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: PLAYING THE 18TH--LAST ROUND OF THE DAY.

"YOU FOOL, CADDIE! HOW CAN I PLAY FROM THAT LIE WITH A WOODEN CLUB?"

"SORRY, SIR. I'VE JUST CLEANED THE IRONS."]

       *       *       *       *       *

THE ROOFS OF THE MIGHTY.

At the meeting held recently in the hall of the Worshipful Company of
Hatters in Tile Street, the Chair was taken jointly (as in the old
monarchical days at Brentford) by the Bishop of LINCOLN and Mr. ARNOLD
BENNETT, and among the company were the SPEAKER, Lord RIBBLESDALE, Sir
SQUIRE BANCROFT, Mr. WINSTON CHURCHILL and Mr. EUGENE CORRI.

The two Chairmen, speaking almost in unison, stated that the meeting
had been convened in order that the views of the enlightened might be
gathered regarding the proposed revival of the tall hat or topper. A
recrudescence of this form of covering for the hair (or otherwise) was
threatened under the name of the Victory Derby, and a paragraph in
_The Times_ announced that "so remarkable has been the revival in the
silk-hat trade that old men who had gone into retirement in the Denton
and Stockport districts are being asked to come back and give what
productive energy they possess." What the meeting desired to ascertain
was the views as to this revival that were held by those empowered to
offer opinions.

Lord RIBBLESDALE said that there was no doubt that a tall hat was
the most becoming headgear for a gentleman. But a certain regard for
idiosyncracies was important. No gentleman should take without scrutiny
what the hatter offered. Hats were individual things, and as the
character changed and developed so should the hat. The hat that suited
one at forty might be a sad anachronism at fifty. He himself had
endeavoured not only to make his life correspond to his hats, but his
hats correspond to his life. (Loud applause.) As the Master of the
Buck-hounds he wore, as any visitor to the National Gallery at the
present moment might see, at the head of the staircase on the left, a
tall hat that was slightly lower than that which he wore to-day, now
that he had relinquished that responsible and romantic post. He urged
his hearers to encourage the silk hat revival.

Sir SQUIRE BANCROFT concurred with the illustrious nobleman who had just
spoken. The choice of a hat should be the subject of the most earnest
thought, even of prayer. (Cheers.) Not only the shape but the colour.
There were hats that were black and hats that were white. (Shouts of
"Hurrah!") There were even white hats with black trimming. (Sensation.)
The older he grew the more convinced he was that an Englishman's hat was
his castle.

Miss DAISY ASHFORD, author of _The Young Visiters_, said that she was
all in favour of the top hat. No one who had read her famous novel could
doubt that. In the society of _Mr. Salteena_ and his friends to wear a
tall hat was always the idear.

Mr. WINSTON CHURCHILL said that none of the speakers had mentioned the
most essential desideratum of a hat, and that was that it should be too
small. Whether it began by being too small, or became in time too small,
depended upon the wearer; but there was something smug and cowardly
about a hat that fitted. It suggested failure.

Mr. H.B. IRVING said that he was an impenitent advocate of the soft or
Southern hat. It was the duty of a hat to afford not only covering for
the head but shelter for the eyes, and no topper did this. A hat should
have a flexible brim, which neither topper nor bowler possessed. It was
absurd to wear a hat which could not sustain damage without showing it.
Let there be a revival in the silk-hat industry by all means, but
there must be no imposition of any one kind of hat on the public. The
individual must be allowed perfect freedom to wear what he liked. (Hear,
hear!) He personally hoped never to be seen either in a pith helmet or
a Tam-o'-shanter, but if the whim took him to wear either--or indeed
both--he claimed the right to do so. (Loud cheers.) Meanwhile he should
adhere to his soft hat.

Mr. MASKELYNE, who followed, urged upon the company the desirability
of the silk-hat mode. If tall hats, he said, went out of fashion, what
would become of conjurers? Rabbits could be satisfactorily extracted
only from tall hats. (Prolonged cheering.) An omelette made in a
sombrero was unthinkable. (Renewed cheering.)

Mr. ARNOLD BENNETT said that all this talk about toppers was pernicious
nonsense. The topper had become obsolete and should not be disinterred.
The only honest form of hat for an honest straightforward man was a
white bowler. A white bowler and a blue serge suit made as stylish and
effective a garb as anyone needed. Soft hats no doubt were comfortable,
but they were also slovenly. Moreover they were not practical. At a
horse sale, for example, you could not rattle them. As for the plea that
tall hats were of value to conjurers, he had no use for such arguments.
Conjurers dealt in illusion and all illusion was retrograde. (Oh! Oh!).

The Bishop of LINCOLN said that he felt bound to dissociate himself
from his, partner's remarks. He himself looked upon a silk hat as an
essential. (A voice, "With rigging?") Yes, Sir, with rigging. But that
was not why he advocated it. He advocated it because it was the proper
coping-stone of a gentleman.

The SPEAKER, after eulogising the white tall hat, added that although he
was glad that they had Sir SQUIRE BANCROFT with them (Hear, hear) he
was bound to remark that not infrequently of late he had seen that
illustrious histrion wearing in the streets of London a cloth cap more
suitable to the golf-links or the Highlands. For the devotee of the
white hat of a blameless life thus to descend gave him pain. So
distinguished an edifice as Sir SQUIRE, he contended, should not trifle
with its top-storey. (Cheers.)

Sir SQUIRE BANCROFT, rising again, expressed regret that his cloth cap
should have caused any distress, He wore it, he was bound to admit,
for convenience (Oh!) and comfort (Sensation). But he would not offend
again. (Loud cheers.)

At this point the meeting adjourned, but doubtless, taking a hint from
the Coal inquiry, it will often be resumed during the coming year.

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: JONES, WHO MAKES A POINT OF PADLOCKING HIS NEW CAR BY THE
FRONT WHEEL TO A LAMP-POST, REALISES THE JUSTICE OF THE MAKERS' CLAIM
THAT THE SPARE WHEEL WITH WHICH IT IS FITTED "CAN BE FIXED BY ANYONE IN
TWO MINUTES."]

       *       *       *       *       *

    "I Zingari will play a Household Cavalry team at Windsor on
    Saturday, June 21st. This was in years gone by an annual fixture,
    finishing up Ascot week. King Edward VI., when Prince of Wales, used
    to attend the match and go on to Virginia Water afterwards."--_Local
    Paper._

Apart from the interest this paragraph will excite in the historians of
the Army, the Turf, and the Cricket-field, it shows that HENRY VIII.
must have been a more indulgent father than is generally suspected.

       *       *       *       *       *

AT THE PLAY.

"L'AIGLON."

In a note given away with the programme Mr. LOUIS N. PARKER, describes
_L'Aiglon_ as "the Hamlet of the nineteenth century." Certainly they had
in common the habits of introspection, and indecision; but the egoism
of _Hamlet_ was at least tempered by a knowledge of the world; he was a
student; he had travelled and seen men and things outside the bounds of
Elsinore; and he was capable of throwing off some quotable generalities
out of his stock of philosophy. On the other hand the _Eaglet_, mewed in
his Austrian cage, knew nothing of life at large, and had small chance
of learning anything beyond the bowdlerised history which his tutors and
warders thought good to have him stuffed with.

Somehow he had contrived surreptitiously to pick up the dates and
leading facts of his father's campaigns (making a speciality of the
Battle of Wagram), but the vague ambitions which they inspired only
helped his little mind to prey upon itself. It was not "the times" (as
with _Hamlet_) but his own nose that he found to be "out of joint."

The appeal of _Hamlet_ is to the intelligence; that of _L'Aiglon_, so
obviously pathetic in his own eyes, is rather to the heart. Indeed the
intelligence of the audience is here often in trouble; for a
certain acquaintance with history is required and both actors and
stage-management offer little aid to the average ignorance. While
the more obvious and melodramatic situations--such as the death of
_L'Aiglon_ or the business of the sentry--are treated at great leisure,
it is assumed that all historical allusions, however necessary to an
understanding of the situation, will be as tedious to the audience as to
the players, and they are rushed through--as in the mirror scene---at a
pace that baffles our halting pursuit.

If any male character lends itself to interpretation by a woman, it
is such a character as _L'Aiglon_, who, for all his spasms of martial
ardour, was half feminine. And to this side of him, and not this side
alone, Miss MARIE LÖHR did justice in a performance of which her high
spirit had not underrated the difficulties. But it is a long and exigent
part, and there were times in the play when her physical strength was
overtaxed. It would have taken the voice of a strongish _basso_ to drown
the roar of a whole battlefield of ghostly warriors, with a military
band thrown in.

I am not sure that Miss LÖHR quite realised for us the _Duke of
Reichstadt's_ personality. I should not care to have the task myself,
for a good many complicated elements were mixed in his nature. As Mr.
Louis PARKER reminds you, a French father supplied him with ambition
and love of action, an Austrian grandfather with hesitancy, and Spanish
ancestors with fatalism, a very trying combination for even the original
_Eaglet_ to handle--a mere boy who had never so much as heard of
President WILSON'S League of Nation's. So it was excusable if Miss LÖHR
failed to make us completely realise a personality which was almost
certainly too much for the comprehension of its actual owner.

But she was always ah intriguing figure. Perhaps, indeed--for the
apparel does not always proclaim the man, and the _Eaglet_ was no
_Hamlet_ in the matter of his clothes--her rather striking costumes were
a source of too much distraction.

[Illustration: THE LITTLE EAGLE TRIES TO FLY.

Miss MARIE LÖHR.]

In a very large cast, whose identities were here and there a little
shadowy, the interest was so distributed that nobody except Miss LÖHR
had very much chance. But Mr. FISHER WHITE made a touching picture of
the weak old Austrian Emperor, torn between love of his grandchild and
fear of _Metternich_. _Metternich_ himself, in the person of Mr. HENRY
VIBART, seemed hardly sinister, enough for the part he had to play in
keeping the _Eaglet_ under the talons of the "two-headed fowl." But
it is perhaps difficult to look really sinister in the full official
uniform of a Chancellor.

Mr. LYN HARDING, as _Flambeau_, veteran of NAPOLEON'S Army, introduced
a faint suggestion of badly-needed humour, and relieved the general
atmosphere of Court artificiality by a touch of nature which almost
reconciled us to the improbable burst of eloquence that ROSTAND, with
his reckless prodigality, assigned to this rough soldier.

Miss LETTICE FAIRFAX gave a pleasant air of irresponsibility to the
shallow _Maria Louisa_, and made her bear very lightly her cross of
widowhood (with bar). The briefest possible vision of Miss BETTY FAIRE
as _Fanny Elssler_ made me want to see much more of her; but Mr. Louis
PARKER had been Napoleonically ruthless with the text. His translation
sounded well, though the delivery of it sometimes left me doubtful as to
what was prose and what was verse. As for his production of the play, it
showed the old skill of a Past-Master of Pageantry.

Altogether Miss MARIE LÖHR has been justified of her courage. In a happy
little speech from which we learnt that every one of the voices (off) in
the Wagram scene was a demobilised voice from the fighting fronts, she
told us that her revival of _L'Aiglon_ was intended as a tribute to Art
after all these years of War. We were not, I think, meant to take
this as a reflection upon the part played by the British Theatre in
sustaining the nation's soul during the War. Anyhow, I for one shall
read into her words just a brave promise--not, I hope, too sanguine--of
what we may expect from the new birth of the Arts of Peace.

O.S.

       *       *       *       *       *

ANOTHER PENDING INDEMNITY.

It has been said that the man who for his daily shave resorts habitually
to a barber has already become a subject for a drastic moral operation.
That may or may not be so, but having chambers in Ryder Street and
Alphonse residing within the precincts of St. James's, I would rather
have been carved morally into mincemeat than have robbed such an artist
of his self-expression.

That is how I felt about it in 1914 and in many preceding years, during
which, under the magic spell of Alphonse, the razor fell upon my cheek
like thistledown. Even to be lathered by him was an alluring form of
hypnosis. Alphonse was a Hokusai of barbers, but he was also a true son
of France; and there were Alsace and Lorraine and the arrogance of 1870
still to be accounted for. So Alphonse went, and in his place reigned
Ferdinand.

Ferdinand, what there was of him, was a good fellow. He was an old
fire-eater. He had lost a leg in Algeria and an eye somewhere else, and
he could not comprehend why such trivial matters should disqualify a man
for killing pigs. He was, as I have said, a good fellow, but his methods
of using a razor were mediaeval. However we were not long for one
another, and, as the R.N.V.R. tolerate such things, I grew a beard, an
equable, regulation torpedo beard.

Omitting several super-emotional lifetimes, let us speak of a certain
day not very remote when I stood, bereft of all sea power, at the top of
St. James's Street, considering what was the very best worst thing to
do to a body which was bored with the reaction that follows four years'
strife upon the narrow seas. I fingered my beard meditatively. Yes,
after all there was Alphonse. I had almost forgotten him. I turned my
steps towards his exclusive retreat. I entered in, and behold! there as
of yore, clothed in his samite raiment, stood the incomparable Alphonse.
He had returned. Yet in appearance he was not quite the Alphonse of old.
There was something less resilient about him, something more enduring
had crept into his personality; his elasticity had somehow turned to
bronze. He was slightly grey. Nevertheless he greeted me with a Gallic
warmth that gave refreshment to my jaded spirit.

"But M'sieu would be shaved.... Yes, a beard was permissible in time of
War, but in Peace--pouf! it was barbaric."

I allowed myself to be robed and tucked comfortably into the chair.
Alphonse busied himself with the instruments of his profession.

"Five years ago it was another world, M'sieu," he said, churning a
wooden bowl to mountains of lather. "It is never again the same. The
Marne ... Verdun ... Soissons. If M'sieu permits I would like to tell
him of those years."

I nodded and he advanced upon me with the brush. He spoke of the retreat
to Paris and the strategy of JOFFRE which so nearly overthrew three
Prussian armies. He brandished his razor and swept the Boches back over
the Marne, he swept them through Senlis, he swept them across the Aisne.
His intensity was inspiring. The smouldering fires of bygone battles
leapt into his eyes. But it was not the mesmeric shave of 1914. He
apologised humbly and applied small pieces of plaster.

The next morning we fought a swaying battle in front of Rheims, and for
some few following mornings we skirmished about painlessly in the same
vicinity. Then came a sanguinary excursion to Flanders which nearly put
me into blue overalls.

A few weeks of trench warfare gave me some respite and allowed my worst
wounds to heal.

Then came the epic of Verdun. At least it was to have come, but at the
last moment I lost my nerve.

To hear the story of that heroic defence from the lips of one who was
concerned so intimately with it is one of my greatest desires. But I am
a coward. I cannot face the extravaganza that Alphonse would improvise,
neither dare I approach him for a mere haircut and so confess to having
deserted his other form of artistry.

Yesterday I purchased a safety-razor and a packet of new blades.

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: _Mary (stricken with remorse as minnow approaches her
hook)._ "OH! OH! OH! I DON'T WANT TO CATCH IT; ITS MUMMY WOULD MISS IT
SO."]

       *       *       *       *       *

A LITTLE SUPPER WITH THE BORGIAS.

    "FRUIT SALAD.

    "Make some syrup by boiling three-quarters of a pint of water, 1/2
    lb. of castor sugar, and the juice from a tinned pineapple. Lay the
    pineapple in a glass bowl cut in small slices."--_Weekly Paper_.

       *       *       *       *       *

ART IN THE ARCTIC.

To know that you can't draw and to be told so by your friends are two
very different things. Honnell can't draw, but hates his inseparable
Swan to tell him so. Honnell's sketches have hitherto been criticised
only by people who also wanted their drawing flattered. Swan learned
bluntness on the Yukon. So they are an odd pair to be chumming now in
the Arctic circle. They are so friendly that they will tramp together
for half a day and exchange scarcely so much as a grunt of conversation.

Swan, of course, feels quite at home in North Russia and smiles at the
people who call it cold and its distances big. Honnell has lived in
Edinburgh, so doesn't notice the temperature, though he misses the
tramway system. Both can say about six words--the same--in Russian, and
both have bought a pair of moccasins--Swan because he likes them, and
Honnell because he would like to.

Recently they set off together from Kola on the Murman Coast to try to
find a village from which jolly little Laplanders and Laplanderesses
come sliding and skidding to market behind their stout-hearted reindeer.
They left all their picturesque Arctic gear behind them except their
moccasins, Swan being one of those trying people who don't care how they
look, if only they "mush" along fast enough. Their provisions consisted
of a tin of bully and four edible tiles or army biscuits, with some
margarine in a Y.M.C.A. envelope.

The story they told on their return--for they did return and in good
time for dinner--was mostly Honnell's, but I must admit that Swan could
not be got to refute it. As they approached the village--some huts on a
white hillside above a frozen lake--a representative of the dog-colony
came to meet them, waving his tail with an anti-clockwise circular
motion impossible to the dog of temperate zones. Having inspected
them he escorted them on their way in a perfectly civilised and even
courteous manner.

So far from being resisted, their entry was ignored save by the little
fur-capped boys, who collected at their heels as if they had formed the
vanguard of a circus, and the little brightly-kerchiefed girls, who
bolted for cover. All the adult male inhabitants, fiercely-bearded
little men like trolls done up in reindeer-skin from top to toe,
appeared to be engrossed in the manufacture of sleighs, although the
village was already littered and cluttered up with them; and all the
ladies were indoors sewing reindeer-skin into trousers or making tea.

Having exchanged a noise like "_Sdrastetye_" (which in these parts seems
to mean "_Bon jour_") with everybody they saw, our two friends sat on a
log, and rested, while Honnell set about sketching, as he calls it, the
primitive wooden church. The little boys, of course, formed a sort of
pyramid on his shoulders to watch. Whether because his fingers were cold
and so not completely under his control, or because the vibrations of
the human pyramid communicated to his pencil some lucky jerks, the marks
Honnell committed to (or on) his note-book were such as supplied the
simple children of the snow with a clue as to his intentions, and he was
intensely gratified to hear one say to another, "_Tzerhof_!"--knowing
that noise to signify "church" in the local tongue.

Swan, perceiving the moral damage likely to be done to his friend by
this flattering incident, sought to puncture Honnell's unhealthy pride
by saying, "_Plaho?_" (or "bad") as a suggestion to the critics;
but this only caused them to say repeatedly and with emphasis,
"_Dobra_!"--which was one of Honnell's six words and means "good."

Thus the mischief was done. Honnell returned to his billet a man changed
and as it were possessed. To hear him talk now one would suppose culture
had fled from the Temperate to the Arctic zone. Of the Lapps' habits
and their houses he knows nothing, cares nothing; all his enthusiasm is
reserved for the honesty and the innate artistic perception of their
children. So seriously has he been affected by this unaided and
impartial recognition of the subject of his drawing that some of us
wonder if he will not settle down amongst those who alone understand and
appreciate him. Returning home what can he hope to be? At best a hero of
the Relief Force. But in his Lapp village he could imagine himself an
Artist.

       *       *       *       *       *

    "Canon Cooper O'Filley, known as the 'Walking Parson,' has decided
    to celebrate his seventieth birthday by walking from Yorkshire to
    Madrid."--_Sunday Paper_.

An even better-known "Walking Parson," Mr. COOPER, of Filey, will have
to look to his laurels now that this Irish pedestrian has entered the
lists.

       *       *       *       *       *

    "Mr. J.B. Fagan has decided to revive 'Twelfth Night' with the
    original cast at the Court Theatre."--_Daily Graphic_.

We trust that when Mr. FAGAN revives the "original cast" he will not
omit to provide also against the inevitable call of "Author!" and settle
the BACON-SHAKSPEARE controversy once for all.

       *       *       *       *       *

THE VEGES ON STRIKE.

(_A Dream._)

  A noise arose of earnest men
    Refusing imitation duck;
  It was a dreadful moment when
    The Beetroot-eaters struck,
  And all around untasted stood
  Rations of Mr. Kilo's favourite food.

  For some forsook the sacred rules
    And pulled, despite their master's word,
  Ham sandwiches from reticules;
    On every side one heard
  The sharp staccato lettuce-crunch
  Merged in the howls of carnivores at lunch.

  And one conspirator leaped up
    Amid the clash of tinkling spoons
  And poured into a protose cup
    His helping of stewed prunes;
  And, blood-red presager of doom,
  Half a tomato hissed across the room.

  And angry "Pshaws" and long "Tut-tuts"
    Proceeded from that concourse dense,
  And "Nuts," they wailed, "we want more nuts--
    More nuts at less expense!"
  Till Mr. Ambrose Kilo came
  And hushed the berserk banqueters to shame.

  "Heroes," he cried, with lifted hand,
    "And comrades of the meatless life,
  Shall the great cause for which we stand"
    (Here someone dropped a knife)
  "Fall into disrepute?" (Loud roars
  Of "No, not it," from contrite nucivores).

  "Bearing aloft a stainless shield
    That none may smirch without remorse,
  This management declines to yield
    To crude displays of force;
  Yet, since it seems the general wish,
  Mock-cutlets will be five-pence less per dish."

  He ceased, and trembling fingers cleared
    All vestiges of meat away;
  The smiling handmaids reappeared
    With mounds of buttered hay;
  Silence replaced the storm-tossed scenes;
  There was no sound save masticated beans.

  EVOE.

       *       *       *       *       *

From "Answers to Correspondents":

    "A bellion, according to the French and American method of
    numeration, is a thousand millions, or 1,000,000,000. According
    to the English method, it is a million millions, or
    1,000,000,000."--_Irish Paper_.

We should have liked to know the estimated value of a re-bellion,
according to the Irish method, but we understand that there is no
accounting for that.

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: _Cinema Photographer_. "WOULD YOU MIND DOING THAT BIT
AGAIN? I FORGOT TO TURN THE HANDLE."]

       *       *       *       *       *

OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.

(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks_.)

A book of little novels, or long-shorts, from the pen of Mr. ROBERT
HICHENS, will be welcomed with pleasure by a very large public.
_Snake-Bite_ (CASSELL) contains a half-dozen various tales, all but one
of which are eminently characteristic of their author. It sounds unkind
to add that this one is for artistry the best of the bunch; but I mean
no more than that Mr. HICHENS has here done very well a slight and
delicate sketch of a style not generally associated with his work.
In the name-piece his admirers will find themselves on more familiar
ground--none other indeed than that well-known desert in which they have
enjoyed such delicious thrills in the same company already. When Mr.
HICHENS' characters get the sand in their eyes almost anything may be
expected of them. Here he has given us a new version of the ancient
scheme of two men and a woman, complicated in this instance by a cobra;
the problem being, whether a doctor should cure his wife's lover of a
snake-bite. More original is the longest story in the collection, one
called "The Lost Faith," an affair of mental healing and love and crime
too complex for compression. It is admirably told. It leads up to a
situation as novel as it is dramatic--the confession of a young fanatic,
who believes in a lady-healer so implicitly that he puts typhoid germs
into the drink of a celebrated general in order to provide her with an
impressive subject. As a sensation this wants some beating; though it
failed to shake my own preference for the other story, which you will
observe I have purposely left unnamed. You will, I hope, enjoy finding
it for yourself.

       *       *       *       *       *

_Heritage_ (COLLINS) gives me much the same impression that one obtains
from the spectacle of a man wire-walking in a sack or painting pictures
with his toes--attempting, in short, any task under conditions of
the greatest possible handicap. That certainly is what Miss V.
SACKVILLE-WEST has been at pains to impose upon herself. With a
straightforward, simple and interesting tale and some considerable
gifts for reproducing character, she has deliberately sacrificed these
advantages by telling her story in the most roundabout and awkward
manner imaginable. The theme is the influence of heredity, as shown in
the working out of a strain of Spanish blood in a Sussex peasant stock,
the victims of this inconvenient blend being _Ruth_ and the young cousin
whom half-unwillingly she marries; with devastating results. _Ruth_, as
I say, was attracted to _Westmacott_ with only part of her being; the
better (or at least less Spanish) elements in her were employed in
making soft eyes at two other men, one of whom, _Malory_, is supposed to
relate portions of the affair to the quite superfluous outsider who
puts them down. This _vivâ-voci_ recital is subsequently rounded off
by _Malory_, in what is surely the least credible of all the unlikely
letters in fiction, nearly a hundred printed pages of it. So you see
the obstacles that Miss SACKSVILLE-WEST has placed in her own and her
reader's path. That, despite them all, the interest, and passion of this
first novel do get home is an encouraging omen for her success when she
has learnt a greater simplicity of attack.

       *       *       *       *       *

_Wings of the Morning_ (HODDER AND STOUGHTON) might have been a most
recommendable book, for it is in essentials a pleasant story of a great
artist who for the crime of his hot-headed youth suffered imprisonment
in the United States, and, having "covered his tracks," came home, fell
in love with his delightful sister's delightful step-daughter and, after
much suffering for them both, told his history and won his lady. But
unfortunately the inessentials--and among these I have the temerity to
include the great European War, or, at any rate, very much that is here
told of it--are so harrowing that they do not accord with the pleasant
story to which they are tacked on. I would not ask to be spared the
knowledge of anything faced by other people while I sat immune at home,
but there are many incidents which cannot with decency or dignity be
served up in fiction to add a thrill to the enjoyment of an hour's light
reading. Miss JOAN SUTHERLAND would have done well to have left detail
to more serious exponents, and to have discarded entirely one scene
of bestial cruelty which has no real bearing on her tale. Never in a
novel--and seldom in historical accounts of fighting--have I been asked
to wallow in so much gore. It is all the more regrettable because when
Miss SUTHERLAND uses her imagination on less horrible subjects she is
much more successful.

       *       *       *       *       *

Mr. ARTHUR TURBERVILLE has taken almost over-elaborate pains with
his sketch of a type which must have been common enough in the new
armies--the young officer of pacifist leanings, who, intellectually
convinced of the futility of war and by no means out of sympathy with
the ultralogical or illogical (and anyway impossible) position of the
Conscientious Objector, yet joins up and makes the very best of a bad
job. _Kenneth, Dugdale_ (METHUEN), the prize prig (according to the
verdict of his Mess), became a brave and efficient subaltern; and the
author's idea of bringing him by means of the discipline of war-training
and war itself to a better understanding of the ordinary spontaneous
fighting types, and of bringing these by the same discipline to a
readier appreciation of the intellectual and idealist position, is well
enough worked out. The character-drawing impressed me less favourably.
The author, I should say, finds it rather difficult to understand
the ordinary good or indifferent fellow with his qualities and their
defects. I doubt the possibility of such a snake in the grass as
_Lieutenant Seymour_ carrying on without getting kicked. Nor do I think
that that simple soldier man, _Fortescue, V.C._, would have so tamely
accepted _Dugdale's_ betrayal to the woman they both loved of the fact
that he had just seen his rival putting a dubious young lady into a cab
in Regent Street at midnight. There is a good deal of thoughtful work
in this novel which should be interesting to amateur students of the
psychology of war and men of war.

       *       *       *       *       *

The latest of Mrs. J. B. BUCKROSE'S genial little comedies about a
comfortable world is concerned with war-weddings, their cause, and some
hints for their successful conduct. She calls it _Marriage While You
Wait_ (HODDER AND STOUGHTON), and illustrates her theme with the case of
a young man and maiden, who dashed, like so many others, into matrimony
in the breathless haste of short leave, and came dangerously near
repenting at leisure. Only near, of course; Mrs. BUCKROSE is too
confirmed an optimist not to make it clear that the blackest boredom
has a silver lining; and I had never any real fear that her nice young
couple were becoming more than quite temporarily estranged. Still,
things went so far that _Sophia_ left the cottage where she and
_Arthur_ and a cooing dove had proposed to live the idyllic life of
happiness-ever-after, and betook herself to the mansion of the local
villain; while _Arthur_ cut the throat of the dove (there my sympathies
were with him entirely) and relapsed into nervous breakdown. But
_Denyer_, being only a BUCKROSE villain, which is a very mild variety,
packed _Sophia_ home again; _Arthur_, after the usual crisis, recovered;
and the symbolic dove was the only inmate of the cottage for whom the
little rift remained unhappily permanent. So there you are; with the
gentlest short sermon to wind up, and a blessing to all concerned.
Perhaps I have read stories more briskly entertaining from Mrs.
BUCKROSE'S flowing pen; one feels that her intent here was not solely
laughter. But as a smiling homily, preaching much the same moral that
Sir ARTHUR PINERO once treated more caustically in perhaps his best
play, her story, _Marriage While You Wait_, should have at least two
sympathetic readers in many scores of homes.

       *       *       *       *       *

Whenever I finish a book by Mr. S.P.B. MAIS I am left with the feeling
that he has only to enlarge his horizon to write something worth reading
and remembering. If _The Education of a Philanderer_ (GRANT RICHARDS)
had been written, by an unknown man I should have welcomed it as work of
great promise. But the trouble with Mr. MAIS is that he seems to find it
perilously easy to write about young school-masters who fall in and
out of love with facility and who are financially at their wits' end.
_Rupert Blundell_, the philanderer, described here, is a clear and
clever picture of a young man who loved where he listed and listed quite
a lot. As far as he goes he can be visualized perfectly both at Oxford
and as a schoolmaster. But he does not go far enough and he belongs to a
type of which one can easily tire. Mr. MAIS is not so callow as he once
was in his judgement of people mentally distasteful to him, but he still
needs a wider outlook on life and a wider knowledge, and I sincerely
hope that he will take steps to remove the limitations which at present
prevent him from giving entire satisfaction to his admirers.

       *       *       *       *       *


[Illustration: _Critic (writing a review during a hot spell)._ "TO SPEAK
CANDIDLY, THIS BOOK LEAVES US COLD."]

       *       *       *       *       *

"THE LOST LEADER."

    [In this new play, at the Court Theatre, PARNELL is represented as
    having survived his own death.]

  _Parnell_ at the Court sings the very same tune
  As the sluggard of old--"You have waked me too soon."

       *       *       *       *       *

    "If, out of hand, one were asked who, now living, knows most about
    the Brontës in a personal way, the answer would probably be, Lord
    Crewe."--_The Book Monthly_.

We understand that on the question being put to the Editor of _The
Sphere_ his answer was Shorter still.