E-text prepared by Jonathan Ingram, Punch, or the London Charivari,
William Flis, and the Project Gutenberg Online Distributed Proofreading
Team



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

VOL. 153.

SEPTEMBER 26, 1917.







CHARIVARIA.

Three bandits have been executed in Mexico without a proper trial or
sentence. This, we understand, renders the executions null and void.

       ***

The campaign against the cabbage butterfly in this country has reached
such an alarming stage that cautious butterflies are now going about
in couples.

       ***

After spending a one-pound Treasury note on cakes, chocolates, fish
and chips, biscuits, apples, bananas, damsons, cigarettes, toffee,
five bottles of ginger "pop" and a tin of salmon, a Chatham boy told
a policeman that he was not feeling well. It was thought to be due to
something the boy had been eating.

       ***

Incidentally the boy desires us to point out that the trouble was not
that he had too much to eat but that there was not quite enough boy to
go round.

       ***

"I read all English books," says Dr. HARDING in _The New York Times_,
"because they are all equally good." This looks dangerously like a
studied slight to Mr. H.G. WELLS.

       ***

We understand that, owing to the paper shortage, future exposures of
German intrigues will only be announced on alternate days.

       ***

At the Kingston Red Cross Exhibition a potato was shown bearing
a remarkable likeness to the German CROWN PRINCE. By a curious
coincidence a report has recently been received that somewhere
in Germany they have a Crown Prince who bears an extraordinary
resemblance to a potato.

       ***

Mystery still attaches to the authorship of _The Book of Artemas_,
but we have authority for saying that Lord SYDENHAM does not remember
having written it.

       ***

At Neath Fair, the other day, a soldier just home from the Front
entered a lions' den. The lions bore up bravely.

       ***

The question of body armour for the troops, it is stated, is still
under consideration by the authorities. This is not to be confused
with bully ARMOUR which has long been used to line the inside of the
troops.

       ***

Mr. WALTER HOWARD O'BRIEN, of New York, has sent to Queen Alexandra's
Field Force Fund 1,719,000 cigarettes. Several British small boys have
decided to write and ask him if he has such a thing as a cigarette
picture to spare.

       ***

Doctors in many parts of London are said to be raising their fees.
They should remember that there is such thing as curing the goose that
lays the golden eggs.

       ***

The _Münchener Neueste Nachrichten_ accuses the United States of
having stolen the cipher key of the LUXBURG despatches. It is this
sort of thing that is gradually convincing Germany that it is beneath
her dignity to fight with a nation like America.

       ***

A fine porpoise has been seen disporting itself in the Thames near
Hampton Court. It is just as well to know that such things can be seen
almost as well with Government ale as with the stronger brews.

       ***

Another statue has been stolen from Berlin, but Londoners need not be
envious. Quite a lot of Americans will be in this country shortly, and
it is hoped that their well-known propensity for souvenir-collecting
may yet be diverted into useful channels.

       ***

The Midland Dairy Farmers' Association have expressed themselves as
satisfied with the prices fixed for Winter milk. In other agricultural
quarters this action is regarded as a dangerous precedent, the view
being that no farmer should be satisfied about anything.

       ***

"My hopes of fortune have been dispelled by unremunerative Government
contracts," said a contractor at the Liverpool Bankruptcy Court. It is
good to read for once of the Government getting the best of a bargain.

       ***

"What is a bun?" asked the Willesden magistrate last week; which only
shows that with a little practice magistrates will get into the way of
doing these things almost as well as the High Court judges.

       ***

The _Frankfurter Zeitung_ declares that "the Germany that President
Wilson wants to talk peace with will only be a Germany beaten to its
knees." Our own opinion is that it will be a Germany beaten to a
frazzle.

       ***

There appears to be a great demand for small second-hand yachts. The
fact is connected, in well-informed circles, with the report that _The
Daily Mail_ contemplates taking up the anti-submarine question.

       ***

Some solicitors have been helping to run the gas works of a certain
Corporation during a strike. While commending this action, we admit
that we can conceive of nothing more likely to undermine the resolute
patriotism of the man in the street than a gas bill furnished by
solicitor.

       ***

Women are formally warned by the Ministry of Munitions against
using T.N.T. as a means of acquiring auburn hair. Any important
object striking the head--a chimney-pot or a bomb from an enemy
aeroplane--would be almost certain to cause an explosion, with
possible injury to the scalp.

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: "I'M COMING TO YOU WITH 'ARF A TON IN A MINUTE, SO
DON'T FRET YOURSELF, OLE PERISCOPE."]

       *       *       *       *       *

GERMAN THOROUGHNESS AGAIN.

    "TO HOLD POTATO CROP.

    "NEW GERMAN FOOD DICTATOR WILL CONSUME ALL FOOD."--_Victoria Daily
    Times_.

       *       *       *       *       *

    "An intelligent postal service has delivered those addressed to
    1,000, Upper Grosvenor Street, W. 1, to the Ministry of Good at
    Grosvenor House."--_Daily Mail_.

This is the first we have heard of this Ministry.

       *       *       *       *       *

TO THE POTSDAM PACIFIST.

  Now for the fourth time since you broke your word,
    And started hacking through, the seasons' cycle
  Brings Autumn on; the goose, devoted bird,
    Prepares her shrift against the mass of MICHAEL;
          Earth takes the dead leaves' stain,
  And Peace, that hardy annual, sprouts again.

  Yet why should _you_ support the Papal Chair
    In fostering this recurrent apparition?
  Never (we gather) were your hopes more fair,
    Your _moral_ in a more superb condition;
          Never did Victory's goal
  Seem more adjacent to your sanguine soul.

  HINDENBURG holds your British foes in baulk
    Prior to trampling them to pulp like vermin;
  Russia is at your mercy--you can walk
    Through her to-morrow if you so determine;
          There is no France to fight--
  Your gallant WILLIE'S blade has "bled her white."

  In England (as exposed by trusty spies)
    We are reduced to starve on dog and thistles;
  London, with all her forts, in ashes lies;
    Through Scarboro's breached redoubts the sea-wind whistles:
          And Margate, quite unmanned,
  Would cause no trouble if you cared to land.

  Roumania is your granary, whence you draw
    For loyal turns a constant cornucopia;
  Belgium, quiescent under Culture's law,
    Serves as a type of Teutonised Utopia;
          And, as for U.S.A.,
  They're scheduled to arrive behind The Day.

  Why, then, this talk of Peace? The victor's meed
    Lies underneath your nose--why not continue?
  _Because humanity makes your bosom bleed_;
    So, though you have a giant's strength within you,
          Your gentle heart would shrink
  To use it like a giant--I don't think.

  O.S.

       *       *       *       *       *

MISTAKEN CHARITY.

Slip was riding a big chestnut mare down the street and humming an
accompaniment to the tune she was playing with her bit. He pulled up
when he saw me and, still humming, sat looking down at me.

"Stables in ten minutes," I said. "You're heading the wrong way."

"A dispensation, my lad," he replied. "I'm taking Miss Spangles up on
the hill to get her warm--'tis a nipping and an eager air."

A man was coming across the road towards us. He was incredibly old and
stiff and the dirt of many weeks was upon him. He stood before us and
held out a battered yachting cap. "M'sieur," he said plaintively.

Miss Spangles cocked an ear and began to derange the surface of the
road with a shapely foreleg. She was bored.

"Tell him," said Slip, "that I am poorer even than he is; that this
beautiful horse which he admires so much is the property of the King
of ENGLAND, and that my clothes are not yet paid for."

I passed this on.

"M'sieur," said the old man, holding the yachting cap a little nearer.

"Give him a piece of money to buy soap with," said Slip. "Come up,
Topsy," and he trotted slowly on.

I gave the old man something for soap and went my way.

That night at dinner the Mandril, who loves argument better than life,
said _à propos_ of nothing that any man who gave to a beggar was a
public menace and little better than a felon. He was delighted to find
every man's hand against him.

"RUSKIN," said Slip, "decrees that not only should one give to
beggars, but that one should give kindly and deliberately and not
as though the coin were red-hot."

The Mandril threw himself wildly into the argument. He told us
dreadful stories of beggars and their ways--of advertisements he
had seen in which the advertisers undertook to supply beggars with
emaciated children at so much per day. Children with visible sores
were in great demand, he said; nothing like a child to charm money
from the pockets of passers-by, etc., etc. Presently he grew tired
and changed the subject as rapidly as he had started it.

It was at lunch a few days later that the Mess waiter came in with a
worried look on his face.

"There is a man at the door, Sir," he said. "Me and Burler can't make
out what he wants, but he won't go away, not no'ow."

"What's he like?" I asked.

"Oh, he's old, Sir, and none too clean, and he's got a sack with him."

"Stop," said Slip. "Now, Tailer, think carefully before you answer my
next question. Does he wear a yachting cap?"

"Yes, Sir," said Tailer, "that's it, Sir, 'e do wear a sort of sea
'at, Sir."

"This is very terrible," said Slip. "Are we his sole means of support?
However--" and he drew a clean plate towards him and put a franc on
it. The plate went slowly round the table and everyone subscribed.
Stephen, who was immersed in a book on Mayflies, put in ten francs
under the impression that he was subscribing towards the rent of the
Mess. The Mandril appeared to have quite forgotten his dislike of
beggars.

Tailer took the plate out and returned with it empty. "He's gone,
Sir," he said.

"I'm glad for your sake, dear Mandril, that you have fallen in with
our views," said Slip.

"What!" shouted the Mandril. "I quite forgot. A beggar!--the wretched
impostor." He rushed to the window. An old man had rounded the corner
of the house and was crossing the road on his way to a small café
opposite.

"He's going to drink it," screamed the Mandril; "battery will fire a
salvo;" and he seized two oranges from the sideboard. The first was
a perfect shot and hit the target between the shoulder-blades, and
the second burst with fearful force against the wall of the café.
The victim turned and looked about him in a dazed fashion and then
disappeared.

That night I received a note from Monsieur Le Roux, hardware merchant
and incidentally our landlord, thanking me for sixteen francs
seventy-five centimes paid in advance to his workman, and asking me
to name a day on which he could call to mend our broken stove.

       *       *       *       *       *

    "It is not a little pathetic to observe that a year ago, and even
    two years ago, _The Daily Mail_ was urging the Government then
    in power to introduce compulsory rations. Thus on November 13,
    1916, we said: 'Ministers should at once prepare the organisation
    for a system of bread tickets. It took the diligent Germans six
    months to get their system into action, and it will take our ...
    officials quite as long. They ought to be getting to work on it
    now, not putting it off.'"--_Daily Mail_.

We dare not guess what was the suppressed adjective that _The Daily
Mail_ applied to "our officials."

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: OUR UNEMPLOYED.

WAR OFFICE BRASS HAT (_to Volunteer, "A" Class_). "AND MIND YOU, IF
YOU DON'T FULFIL YOUR OBLIGATIONS YOU'LL BE COURT-MARTIALLED!"

MR. PUNCH. "THAT WON'T WORRY HIM. HIS TROUBLE IS THAT, WHEN HE DOES
FULFIL HIS OBLIGATIONS, YOU MAKE SO LITTLE USE OF HIM."]

       *       *       *       *       *

SUGAR CONTROL.

"Good evening, Sir," said Lord RHONDDA'S minion (the man who does
his dirty work), moistening his lips with a bit of pencil. "You were
allocated one hundredweight of sugar for jam-making in respect of your
soft fruit, I believe?"

"How _did_ you guess?" I said. "I say, do tell me when the War's going
to end. Just between ourselves, you know."

"This being the case," he went on (evidently trying to change the
subject--no War Office secrets to be got out of _him_, you notice),
"I must request you to show me your fruit-trees and also your jam
cupboard."

"The latter," I said--for he had called just after tea--"is rather
full at present, but doing nicely, thanks. As you observe, however, we
think it wiser not to try to close the bottom button of the door."

"Perhaps your wife--" suggested the man tentatively.

"My wife does her best, of course. She often says, 'Dearest, a third
pot of tea if you _like_, but I'm sure a third cup of jam wouldn't be
good for you.' By the way, don't you want to see the tea-orchard too?
The Cox's Orange Pekoes have done frightfully well this year--the new
blend, you know; or should I say hybrid?"

At this moment my wife appeared, looking particularly charming in a
_mousseline de soie aux fines herbes--anglicé_, a sprigged muslin. I
seized her hand and led her aside.

"Lord RHONDDA'S myrmidon is upon us!" I hissed. "'Tis for your
husband's life, child. Hold the minion of the law in check--attract
him; fascinate him; play him that little thing on the piano--you
know, 'Tum-ti-tum'--while I slope off to the secret chamber, where my
ancestor lay hid before--I mean after--the Battle of Worcester. By the
way, I hope it's been dusted lately? Hush! if he sees us hold secret
parlance I'm lost."

"Alas!" said my wife, "the secret chamber is where we keep the jam."

She smiled subtly at me and then winningly at the inspector as she
turned towards him.

"Step this way, please," she continued.

I caught the idea at once and, blessing the quick wit of woman,
followed in the victim's wake, ready to close the secret panel behind
him and leave him to a lingering death.

My wife slid open the trap, turning with a triumphant smile as she did
so, and I saw at once that the death of anyone shut up inside would be
a lot more lingering than I had imagined, for the place seemed full of
jam. I was surprised.

"Can I be going to eat all that?" I thought; and life seemed suddenly
a very beautiful thing.

The inspector ran a hungry eye over it all, and if he had tried to
clamber inside for a closer inspection I should not have given him the
quick push I had planned. I should have held him back by his coat. My
own way of testing the amount of jam which my wife had made was not
for the likes of him.

"About a hundred-and-fifty pounds," he said at last.

"Just a little over," nodded my wife.

"I tell you," I whispered, "this chap knows everything." Then aloud,
"I say, Sir, if you wouldn't mind putting me on to something for the
Cotsall Selling Plate. Simply," I added hastily, "in the national
interest, of course. Keeping up the breed of horses."

The inspector changed the subject again. "You were allocated one
hundredweight of sugar, I believe, Ma'am," he said.

"Oh, yes," replied my wife. "But you see some of our jam is still
sticking to the trees. Perhaps this gentleman would like to see the
orchard, Wenceslaus," she added, turning to me.

(Of course, you know, my Christian name isn't really Wenceslaus, but
we authors enjoy so little privacy nowadays that I must really be
allowed to leave it at that.)

So I took the inspector off to see the orchard, pausing on the way at
the strawberry bed.

"This," I explained, "was to have made up quite fifty pounds of our
allocation, but I'm afraid the crop failed this year. So that must
account for any little discrepancy in the weight of fruit." I was very
firm about this.

"Strawberries have done well enough elsewhere," said Nemesis
suspiciously. "I'm surprised that yours should have failed."

"When I say 'failed,'" I explained, "I mean 'failed to get as far as
the preserving pan.' I always retain an option on eating the crop
fresh."

The inspector frowned and was going to make a note of this, so I tried
to distract his attention.

"Do you know," I said, "a short time ago people persisted in mistaking
me for a brother of the Duke of Cotsall?"

"Why?" he asked--rather rudely.

"Because of the strawberry mark on my upper lip. Ah, I think this
is the orchard. There was a wealth of bloom here when I put in my
application."

"Applications were not made till the fruit was on the trees," said
Lord RHONDDA'S minion, sharply. "Ah, there's a nice lot of plums."

This seemed more satisfactory.

"Yes, isn't there?" I said enthusiastically. "Now I'm sure _this_
makes up the amount all right."

"Plums are stone fruit," he observed stonily, "and you were allocated
one hundredweight of sugar for your _soft_ fruit, I believe?"

One really gets very tired of people who go on harping on the same
thing over and over again.

"What about raspberries?" I inquired.

"Soft fruit, of course," said the inspector.

"But they contain stones," I urged. "Nasty little things wot gits into
the 'ollers of your teeth somethink cruel, as cook says. Really, the
Government ought to give us more careful instructions. And what about
the apples? Are pips stones?"

"Apples are not used for jam-making," he retorted.

"What!" I exclaimed. "Tell that to the--to the Army in general!
Plum-and-apple jam, my dear Sir! And that reminds me: a jam composed
of half stone and half soft fruit--how do we stand in respect to
that?"

"Well, Sir," said the inspector, closing his notebook grudgingly, "I
don't think we need go into that. I think you've got just about the
requisite amount of soft fruit for the one hundredweight of sugar
which, I believe, you were allocated."

"There's still the rose garden," I said, "if you're not satisfied."

"Been turning that into an orchard, have you?" he asked. "Very
patriotic, I'm sure."

"Well, I don't know," I said. "My wife wants to make _pot-pourri_ as
usual, but what I say is, in these days--and with all that sugar--it
would surely be more patriotic (as you say) to make _fleurs de Nice._"

"It would be more patriotic perhaps," observed Lord RHONDDA'S minion
sententiously, "not to make jam at all."

"Ah!" I said. "Have a glass of beer before you go."

W. B.

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: UNDER THE GREENWOOD TREE.

  _Chorus_. "HERE SHALL HE SEE
                NO ENEMY
  BUT WINTER AND ROUGH WEATHER."]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: _Taxi-driver (who has forced lady-driver on to the
pavement)._ "NOW, THEN, IF YOU WANT TO LOOK IN THE SHOP WINDOWS WHY
DON'T YOU TAKE A DAY OFF?"]

       *       *       *       *       *

Headline in _The Yorkshire Daily Observer_:--

    "KAISER'S 1904 PLOTS"

No doubt there were quite as many as that, but we should like to know
how our contemporary arrives at the exact number.

       *       *       *       *       *

AN EXTRAORDINARY DAY.

1. A Staff Officer came back from the line without having had a narrow
escape.

2. A General visited the line and expressed unqualified approval of
everything he saw.

3. A Quartermaster-Sergeant put _all_ the contents of the rum-jar into
the tea.

4. A sniper fired at a Hun and reported a miss.

5. A bombing-party threw bombs into a sap without reporting "shrieks
and groans were heard, and it is thought that many casualties were
inflicted."

6. A Sergeant-Major complimented a new squad of recruits.

7. Somebody read an Intelligence Summary.

8. A very high official fired the first shot to open the new
rifle-range and failed to hit the bull.

    NOTE--(a) The Marker was not court-martialled for spreading alarm
    and despondency in His Majesty's forces; but

    (b) The quality of mercy was fearfully strained.

9. A bombing-class came back from practice without a single casualty.

10. A Subaltern got leave on compassionate grounds. He wanted to be
married.

11. A Corps Commander was punctual at an inspection. And

12. It did not rain on the day of the offensive.

Truly an extraordinary day. Shall we ever live to see it, I wonder?

       *       *       *       *       *

MORE SEX PROBLEMS

    "For Sale.--Dark red Shorthorn Bulls, from two years downwards,
    bred to milk for thirty years."--_Farmer's Weekly_.

    "For Sale by Auction, one Mare Colt."--_Kent and Sussex Courier_.

    "Then again the cockerel is a summer layer."--_Irish Farming
    World_.

       *       *       *       *       *

    "Sir Godfrey Baring, the sitting Liberal member, is not standing
    again."--_Evening Paper_.

If he's not going to sit or stand, he'll have to take it lying down.

       *       *       *       *       *

  A Venetian boy-scout on the Lido
  Had sighted a hostile torpedo,
    So he cried, "Don't suppoge
    You can blow up the Doge;
  You must do without him--as we do."

       *       *       *       *       *

    "WEST OF ENGLAND.--To be Sold, a perfect gentleman's Residence, in
    faultless condition and all modern improvements, and a pedigree
    Stock Farm of 150 acres adjoining, with possession."--_Daily
    Paper_.

We hope the pedigree of the perfect gentleman is included as well as
that of the stock farm.

       *       *       *       *       *

PETHERTON AND THE RAG AUCTION.

A letter I received last Friday gave me one of those welcome excuses
to get into closer touch with my neighbour, Petherton, than our daily
proximity might seem to connote. I wrote to him thus:--

    DEAR MR. PETHERTON,--Miss Gore-Langley has written to me to say
    that she is getting up a Rag Auction on behalf of the Belgian
    Relief Fund, and not knowing you personally, and having probably
    heard that I am connected by ties of kinship with you, she asked
    me to approach you on the subject of any old clothes you may have
    to spare in such a cause.

    Of course I'm not suggesting you should allow yourself to be
    denuded in the cause (like Lady GODIVA), but I daresay you have
    some odds and ends stowed away that you would contribute; for
    instance, that delightful old topper that you were wont to go to
    church in before the War, and that used to cause a titter among
    the choir--can't you get the moths to let you have it? Neckties,
    again. Where are the tartans of '71? Surely there may be some
    bonny stragglers left in your tie-bins. And who fears to talk of
    '98 and its fancy waistcoats? All rancour about them has passed
    away, and if you have any ring-straked or spotted survivors, no
    doubt they would fetch _something_ in a good cause. I hope you
    will see what you can do for

    Yours very truly,

    HENRY J. FORDYCE.

Petherton's reply was brief. He wrote:--

    SIR--Had Miss Gore-Langley chosen a better channel for the
    conveyance of her wishes I should have been only too pleased to do
    what I could to help. As it is, I do not care to have anything to
    do with the affair.

    Yours faithfully,

    FREDERICK PETHERTON.

But he was better than his word, as I soon discovered. So I wrote:--

    DEAR PETHERTON,--I have had such a treat to-day. I took one or two
    things across to Miss Gore-Langley, who was unpacking your noble
    contributions when I arrived. Talk about family histories; your
    parcel spoke volumes.

    I was frightfully interested in that brown bowler with the flat
    brim, and those jam-pot collars. Parting with them must have been
    such sweet sorrow.

    I feel like bidding for some of your things, among which I also
    noted an elegantly-worked pair of braces. With a little grafting
    on to the remains of those I am now wearing, the result should be
    something really serviceable. I don't mind confessing to you that
    I simply can't bring my mind to buying any new wearing apparel
    just now. I'd like the bowler too. It should help to keep the
    birds from my vegetables, and incidentally the wolf from the door.
    And seeing it fluttering in the breeze you would have a continual
    reminder of your own salad days.

    Surely the priceless family portrait in the Oxford oak frame got
    into the parcel by mistake. I am expecting to acquire that for a
    song, as it cannot be of interest except to one of the family, and
    I should be glad to number it among my heirlooms.

    Miss G.-L. is awfully braced with the haul, and asked me to thank
    you, which is one of my objects in writing this.

    Yours sincerely,

    HARRY FORDYCE.

Petherton was breathing hard by this time, and let drive with:--

    SIR,--It is like your confounded impertinence to overhaul the
    few things I sent to Miss Gore-Langley, and had I known that you
    would have had the opportunity of seeing what my wife insisted on
    sending I should certainly not have permitted their despatch.

    I have already told you what I think of your ridiculous claims to
    kinship with my family, and shall undoubtedly try to thwart any
    impudent attempts you may make to acquire my discarded belongings.
    The photograph you mention was of course accidentally included in
    the parcel, and I am sending for it.

    Yours faithfully,

    FREDERICK PETHERTON.

In the cause of charity I rushed over to the Dower House, and pointed
out to Miss Gore-Langley how she might swell the proceeds of the sale.
I then wrote thus to Petherton:--

    DEAR OLD MAN,--Thanks for your jolly letter. I'm sorry to tell
    you that Miss G.-L. holds very strong views on the subject of
    charitable donations, and you will have to go and bid for anything
    you want back. I'm very keen on that photograph, if only for
    the sake of your pose and the elastic-side boots you affected
    at that period. Everyone here is quite excited at the idea of
    having Cousin Fred's portrait among the family likenesses in the
    dining-room, and its particular place on the wall is practically
    decided upon.

    I shall probably let the braces go if necessary, but I shall
    contest the ownership of the bowler up to a point.

    Why not have your revenge by buying one or two of my things? There
    is a choice pair of cotton socks, marked T.W., that I once got
    from the laundry by mistake; they are much too large for me, but
    should fit you nicely. There's a footbath too. It leaks a bit, but
    your scientific knowledge will enable you to put it right. It's
    a grand thing to have in the house, in case of a sudden rush of
    blood to the head.

    Cheerio!

    Yours ever,

    HARRY.

Petherton simply replied:--

    SIR,--It is, I know, absolutely useless to make an appeal to you,
    and I shall simply outbid you for the portrait if possible; if
    not, I shall adopt other measures to prevent your enjoying your
    ill-mannered triumph.

    Yours faithfully,

    F. PETHERTON.

The Auction was held last Wednesday. I didn't attend it, but got Miss
Gore-Langley to run up the price of the portrait as far as seemed
safe, on my behalf, which resulted in Mrs. Petherton getting it for £5
15s. I got the hat, but Mrs. Petherton outbid my agent for the braces.

    DEAR FREDDY (I wrote), Wasn't it a roaring success--the Auction, I
    mean? I didn't manage to attend, but have heard glowing accounts
    from its promoter.

    The most insignificant things, I hear, went for big prices; one
    patriotic lady, I'm told, even going to £5 15s. for a faded
    photograph of a veteran in the clothes of a most uninteresting
    sartorial period. It was in a cheap wooden frame, of a pattern
    that is quite out of the movement. Fancy, £5 15s.!

    Did you buy anything?

    In haste,

    Yours, H.

If you have any stout safety-pins, lend me a couple, old boy. I failed
to secure the braces. They fetched 1s. 9d., which was greatly in
excess of their intrinsic value.

There has been no reply from Petherton to date.

       *       *       *       *       *

JOURNALISTIC CANDOUR.

    "Mr. Wells has no master in controversy with ordinary mortals,
    but I would seriously warn him that arguing with the 'Morning
    Post' leads after a certain point to softening of the
    brain."--"_Diarist" in "The Westminster Gazette_."

We have always taken a painful interest in _The Westminster's_
quarrels with _The Morning Post_.

       *       *       *       *       *

    "In 1914-15 there was for the first time a surplus of cereals
    of about 27,475 tons produced in Egypt."--_Times_.

For the first time? Shade of JOSEPH!

       *       *       *       *       *

    "A Young Lady is desirous of CHANGE. Has wholesale and retail
    military experience. Also knowledge of practical."--_Daily
    Telegraph_.

Now, then, HAIG.

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: DOING THEIR BIT.]

       *       *       *       *       *

BEASTS ROYAL.

I.

QUEEN HATSHEPSU'S APE.

B.C. 1491.

  Now from the land of Punt the galleys come,
    HATSHEPSU'S, sent by Amen-Ra and her
    To bring from God's own land the gold and myrrh,
  The ivory, the incense and the gum;
    The greyhound, anxious-eyed, with ear of silk,
    The little ape, with whiskers white as milk,
  And the enamelled peacock come with them.

  The little ape sits on HATSHEPSU'S chair,
    And with a solemn and ironic eye
  He sees TAHUTMES strap the balsamed hair
    Unto his royal chin and wonders why;
  He sees the stewards and chamberlains bow down,
  Plays with the asp upon HATSHEPSU'S crown,
    And thinks, "A goodly land, this land of Khem!"

  The little ape sits on HATSHEPSU'S knee
    While the great lotus-fans move to and fro;
    Outside along the Nile the galleys go
  And the Phoenician rowers seek the sea;
    Outside the masons carve TAHUTMES' chin,
    Tipped with the beard of Ra, and lo, within--
  The ape, derisive and ineffable.

  The little ape from Punt sits there beside
    TAHUTMES and HATSHEPSU on their throne,
  Dissembling courteously his inward pride
    When the great men of Egypt, one by one,
  Their oiled and shaven heads before him bend,
  And thinking, "I was born unto this end;
    I am the King they honour. It is well."

       *       *       *       *       *

THE CLINCHOPHONE.

    ["WANTED.--Loud gramophone (second-hand) for reprisals."--_Advt.
    in "The Times."_]

It is just to meet such pressing demands as this that the Gramophobia
Company have introduced their remarkable instrument or weapon,
described as The Clinchophone. No home is complete without it.

It is supplied with little oil bath, B.S.A. fittings and kick start.

A child can set it in motion, but nothing on earth will stop it until
its object is achieved and there is peace with honour.

Installed in a neighbourhood bristling with pianos, amateur singers,
gramophones, and other grind boxes it saves its cost in doctors'
bills.

It is fatal at fifty yards, and there has been nothing like it since
the "Tanks." It can do almost everything except stop before its time.

Read the following testimonials:--

    "GENTLEMEN,--While the grand piano next door was playing last
    evening I pressed the button of The Clinchophone. The piano
    immediately sat back on its haunches, gibbered and then fell
    on the player."

    "DEAR SIR,--At the first trial of my new Clinchophone my
    neighbour's gramophone rushed out of the house and has not been
    heard of since."

    "SAVED" says: "Last night the _basso profondo_ two doors away
    started singing, 'Rocked in the Cradle of the Deep.' He sang two
    bars and then crawled round to my house on his hands and knees and
    collapsed on the doorstep with the word 'Kamerad!' on his lips."

       *       *       *       *       *

OUR STYLISTS.

    "The look from his eyes, the ashen colour of his face, the passion
    in his voice, mute though it was, frightened and bewildered
    her."--_Story in "Home Notes."_

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: "DEARIE ME, NOW, I SHOULDN'T HA' THOUGHT THEY GIVES YOU
ENOUGH MONEY IN THE ARMY TO FILL ALL THEM THERE LITTLE PURSES."]

       *       *       *       *       *

PATROLS.

The Scout Officer soliloquises:--

  The lights begin to leap along the lines,
    Leap up and hang and swoop and sputter out;
  A bullet hits a wiring-post and whines;
    _I wish to Heaven that I was not a Scout!_

  Time was (in Dorsetshire) I loved the trade;
    Far other is this battle in the waste,
  Wherein, each night, though not of course afraid,
    I wriggle round with ill-concealed distaste,

  Where who can say what menace is not nigh,
    What ambushed foe, what unexploded crump,
  And the glad worm, aspiring to the sky,
    Emerges suddenly and makes you jump.

  Where either all is still, so still one feels
    That something huge must presently explode,
  And back, far back, is heard the noise of wheels
    From Prussian waggons on the Douai road;

  And flares shoot upward with a startling hiss
    And fall, and flame intolerably close,
  So that it seems no living man could miss--
    How huge my head must look, my legs how gross!--

  Or the live air is full of droning hums
    And cracking whips and whispering snakes of fire,
  And a loud buzz of conversation comes
    From Simpson's party putting out some wire.

  Or else--as when some soloist is done
    And the hushed orchestra may now begin--
  A sudden rage inflames the placid Hun
    And scouts lie naked in a world of din.

  The sullen bomb dissolves in singing shapes;
    The whizz-bang jostles it--too fast to flee;
  Machine-guns chatter like demented apes--
    And, goodness, can it _all_ be meant for me?

  It can and is. And such are small affairs
    Compared with Tompkins and his Lewis gun,
  Or eager folk who play about with flares,
    And, like as not, mistake me for a Hun;

  Compared with when some gunner, having dined,
    To show his guest the glories of his art
  'Poops off a round or two,' which burst behind,
    But fail to drown the beating of my heart

  Sweet to all soldiers is the rearward view;
    To infanteers how grand the gunners' case!
  And I suppose men pine at G.H.Q.
    For the rich ease of people at the Base.

  To me is sweet this mean and noisome ditch,
    When on my belly I must issue out
  Into the night, inscrutable as pitch--
    _I wish to Heaven that I was not a Scout!_

  A. P. H.

       *       *       *       *       *

    "Good Donkey for Sale: musical."--_Louth Advertiser_.

Sings "The Vicar of Bray."

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: THE INSEPARABLE.

THE KAISER (_to his People_). "DO NOT LISTEN TO THOSE WHO WOULD SOW
DISSENSION BETWEEN US. _I WILL NEVER DESERT YOU_."]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: AFTER THE INSPECTION.

_Orderly (to Colonel)_. "CAN I GET YOU A TAXI, SIR?"

_Colonel_. "YES, PLEASE, DEAR."]

       *       *       *       *       *

A LONDON MYSTERY SOLVED.

Everyone must have observed a phenomenon of the London streets which
becomes continually more noticeable. And not only must they have
observed it, but have suffered from it.

At one time the omnibuses, which are rapidly becoming the only means
of street transport for human beings, had regular stopping-places at
the corner's of streets, at Piccadilly Circus, at Oxford Circus, and
so forth.

The corner was the accepted spot; the crowds gathered there, and the
omnibus, stopping there, emptied and refilled. But there has been a
gradual tendency towards the abandonment of the corners, causing the
omnibuses to pull up farther and farther from them, so that it seems
almost as if a time may come when, instead of Piccadilly Circus, for
example, the stopping-place for west-bound omnibuses will be St.
James's church.

Everyone, as I say, must have noticed this change in traffic habits,
and most people believe that police regulations are at the bottom of
it.

But I know better; and the reason why I know better is a little
conversation I have had with a driver.

It was during one of the finest efforts towards depressing dampness
that even this Summer has put up, and the driver dripped. A great
crowd of miserable mortals awaited his omnibus at a certain recognised
halt, all desperately anxious for a seat or even standing room; but
these he disregarded and carefully urged the vehicle on for another
twenty yards.

While the wretched people were running along the pavement to begin
their struggle for a place, I asked him why he had put them to all
that trouble.

"I suppose it's the police," I said, to make it easier for him.

"Not as I know of," he replied.

"But why not stop where the public expect you to?" I asked.

"Why?" he inquired.

"Well, it would be more reasonable, more helpful," I suggested.

"Who wants to help or be reasonable?" he replied. "Here, look at me.
I'm driving this bus for hours and hours every day. I'm cold and wet.
I'm putting on the brakes from morning to night, saving people's silly
lives, until I'm sick of the sight of them. If you was to drive a
motor bus in London you'd want a little amusement now and then, too."

"So it's just for entertainment that you dodge about over the
stopping-places and keep changing them?" I asked.

"Yes," he replied.

       *       *       *       *       *

ANOTHER IMPENDING APOLOGY.

    "I was sorry to hear that Lady Diana had met with a nasty motor
    accident; but had escaped with only slight injuries."--_Mrs.
    Gossip in "The Daily Sketch."_

       *       *       *       *       *

    "STOP-PRESS NEWS.

    "GERMAN OFFICIAL.

    "Also ran: Julian, The Vizier, Siller and Pennant."--_Manchester
    Evening Chronicle_.

It is not often that the German official communiqués admit defeat.

       *       *       *       *       *

    "The Poor's Piece appears to be a sort of No Man's Land, and ever
    since the extinction of Vestrydom has been within the parochial
    administrative parvenu of the Urban District Council."--_Essex
    Paper_.

Who is this municipal upstart?

       *       *       *       *       *

    A SIGNIFICANT STEP.

    The _Evening Post's_ Washington correspondent states: "Mr. Lloyd
    George's speech at Glasgow is a significant step in the process
    of winning the war by liplomatic strategy."--_Sydney Daily
    Telegraph_.

There's many a slip 'twixt the dip and the lip; but "liplomatic" is
not a bad word.

       *       *       *       *       *

THE MUD LARKS.

Nobody out here seems exactly infatuated with the politicians
nowadays. The Front Trenches have about as much use for the Front
Benches as a big-game hunter for mosquitoes. The bayonet professor
indicates his row of dummies and says to his lads, "Just imagine
they are Cabinet Ministers--go!" and in a clock-tick the heavens are
raining shreds of sacking and particles of straw. The demon bomber
fancies some prominent Parliamentarian is lurking in the opposite sap,
grits his teeth, and gets an extra five yards into his bowling.

But I am not entirely of the vulgar opinion. The finished politician
may not be a subject for odes, but a political education is a
great asset to any man. Our Mess President, William, once assisted
a friend to lose a parliamentary election, and his experience has
been invaluable to us. The moment we are tired of fighting and want
billets, the Squadron sits down where it is and the Skipper passes the
word along for William. William dusts his boots, adjusts his tie and
heads for the most prepossessing farm in sight. Arrived there he takes
off his hat to the dog, pats the pig, asks the cow after the calf,
salutes the farmer, curtseys to the farmeress, then turning to the
inevitable baby, exclaims in the language of the country, "Mong Jew,
kell jolly ong-fong" (Gosh, what a topping kid!), and bending tenderly
over it imprints a lingering kiss upon its indiarubber features and
wins the freedom of the farm. The Mess may make use of the kitchen;
the spare bed is at the Skipper's disposal; the cow will move up
and make room for the First Mate; the pig will be only too happy to
welcome the Subalterns to its modest abode.

Ordinary billeting officers stand no chance against our William and
his political education. "That fellow," I heard one disgruntled
competitor remark of him, "would hug the Devil for a knob of coke."
Once only did he meet his match, and a battle of Titans resulted.

In pursuit of his business he entered a certain farm-house, to
find the baby already in possession of another officer, a heavy
red creature with a monocle, who was rocking the infant's cradle
seventy-five revolutions per minute and making dulcet noises on a
moustache comb.

William's heart fell to his field boots; he recognised the red
creature's markings immediately. This was another politician; no
bloodless victory would be his; fur would fly first, powder burn--Wow!

The red person must have tumbled to William as well, for he increased
the revolutions to one hundred and forty per minute and broke into a
shrill lullaby of his own impromptu composition:--

  "Go to sleep, Mummy's liddle Did-ums;
  Go to sleep, Daddy's liddle Thing-ma-jig."

Nevertheless this did not baffle our William. He approached from a
flank, deftly twitched the infant out of its cradle by the scruff of
its neck, and commenced to plaster it with tender kisses. However the
red man tailed it as it went past and hung on, kissing any bits he
could reach. When the mother reappeared they were worrying the baby
between them as a couple of hound puppies worry the hind leg of a cub.
She beat them faithfully with a broom and hove both of them out into
the wide wet world, and we all slept in a bog that night, and William
was much abused and loathed. But that was his only failure.

If getting billets is William's job, getting rid of them is the Babe's
affair. William, like myself, has far too great a mastery of the
_patois_ to handle delicate situations with success. For instance,
when the fanner approaches me with tidings that my troopers have burnt
two ploughshares and a crowbar and my troop horses have masticated a
brick wall I engage him in palaver, with the result that we eventually
part, I under the impression that the incident is closed, and he under
the impression that I have promised to buy him a new farm. This leads
to all sorts of international complications.

The Babe, on the other hand, regards a knowledge of French as immoral
and only knows enough of it to order himself a drink. He is also
gifted with a slight stutter, which under the stress of a foreign
language becomes chronic. So when we evacuate a billet William
furnishes the Babe with enough money to compensate the farmer for all
damages we have not committed, and then effaces himself. Donning a
bright smile the Babe approaches the farmer and presses the lucre into
his honest palm.

"Hi," says the worthy fellow, "what is this, then? One hundred francs!
Where is the seventy-four francs, six centimes for the fleas your dog
stole? The two hundred francs, three centimes for the indigestion your
rations gave my pig? The eight thousand and ninety-nine francs, five
centimes insurance money I should have collected if your brigands had
not stopped my barn from burning?--and all the other little damages,
three million, eight hundred thousand and forty-four francs, one
centime in all--where is it, _hein_?"

"Ec-c-coutez une moment," the Babe begins, "Jer p-p-poovay expliquay
tut--tut--tut--tut--sh-sh-shiss--" says he, loosening his stammer at
rapid fire, popping and hissing, rushing and hitching like a red-hot
machine-gun with a siphon attachment. In five minutes the farmer is
white in the face and imploring the Babe to let by-gones be by-gones.
"N-n-not a b-bit of it, old t-top," says the Babe. "Jer p-p-poovay
exp-p-pliquay b-b-bub-bub-bub--" and away it goes again like a
combined steam-riveter and shower-bath, like the water coming down
at Lodore. No farmer however hardy has been known to stand more than
twenty minutes of this. A quarter-of-an-hour usually sees him bolting
and barring himself into the cellar, with the Babe blowing him kisses
of fond farewell through the keyhole.

We are billeted on a farm at the present moment. The Skipper occupies
the best bed; the rest of us are doing the _al fresco_ touch in tents
and bivouacs scattered about the surrounding landscape. We are on very
intimate terms with the genial farmyard folk. Every morning I awake to
find half-a-dozen hens and their gentleman-friend roosting along my
anatomy. One of the hens laid an egg in my ear this morning. William
says she mistook it for her nest, but I take it the hen, as an honest
bird, was merely paying rent for the roost.

The Babe turned up at breakfast this morning wearing only half a
moustache. He said a goat had browsed off the other half while he
slept. The poor beast has been having fits of giggles ever since--a
moustache must be very ticklish to digest.

Yesterday MacTavish, while engaged in taking his tub in the open,
noticed that his bath-water was mysteriously sinking lower and lower.
Turning round to investigate the cause of the phenomenon he beheld
a gentle milch privily sucking it up behind, his back. There was a
strong flavour of Coal Tar soap in the _café au lait_ to-day.

This morning at dawn I was aroused by a cold foot pawing at my face.
Blinking awake, I observed Albert Edward in rosy pyjamas capering
beside my bed. "Show a leg, quick," he whispered. "Rouse out, and
Uncle will show boysey pretty picture."

Brushing aside the coverlet of fowl I followed him tip-toe across the
dewy mead to the tarpaulin which he and MacTavish call "home."

Albert Edward lifted a flap and signed me to peep within. It was, as
he had promised, a pretty picture.

At the foot of our MacTavish's mattress, under a spare blanket lifted
from that warrior in his sleep, lay a large pink pig. Both were
occupied in peaceful and stertorous repose.

"Heads of Angels, by Sir JOSHUA REYNOLDS," breathed Albert Edward in
my ear.

PATLANDER.

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: _Old Lady from the Country_. "I'VE ASKED FOUR PORTERS,
AND THEY ALL TELL ME DIFFERENT."

_Porter_. "WHAT CAN YOU EXPECT, MISSUS, IF YER ASKS FOUR DIFFERENT
PORTERS?"]

       *       *       *       *       *

COMMERCIAL CANDOUR.

    "1913 Touring Ford, in splendid condition, fitted with new coils,
    parafin vaporiser; has been little use."--_Irish Times_.

       *       *       *       *       *

THE TWO LETTERS.

I had as usual two letters to write. There are always two and often
twenty, but this morning there were two only. One was to my old
friend, A., who had just gone into bankruptcy; the other was to my
young friend, B., whose sporting efforts in France have won him very
rapid promotion. He was just bringing his new captain's stars to
England on a few days' leave.

A. is a somewhat austere and melancholy man; B. is just as different
as you can imagine.

I wrote thus. First to A.:--

    "MY DEAR MAN,--I am sorry to hear your bad news. The times are
    sufficiently depressing without such a blow as this having to fall
    on you. I am certain that you don't deserve such treatment, and
    you have all my sympathy. As for the disgrace--there is none. You
    are simply a victim of the War. If there is anything I can do to
    cheer you up, let me know.

    "I am, yours, etc.,--."

To B. I wrote thus:--

    "DEAR OLD TOP,--This is the best news I have heard for a long
    time. I always knew you would bring it off soon; but I wasn't
    prepared for anything quite so sudden. There is, of course, only
    one thing to do when a man fulfils his destiny in this way. The
    custom is immemorial, and, war or no war, we must crack a bottle.
    Tell me where you would like to dine, and when, and I'll fix it
    up, and some jolly show afterwards. Occasions like This must be
    celebrated.

    "I am, yours, etc.,--."

So far it is a somewhat feeble narrative, nor has it any point beyond
the circumstance that I posted the letters in the wrong envelopes.

       *       *       *       *       *

WHAT TO DO WITH OUR CRITICS.

    "The Ministry of Munitions has for disposal approximately 75 TONS
    WEEKLY of PRESS MUD."--_Advt. in "The Engineer."_

       *       *       *       *       *

    "In consequence of the epidemic at the Royal Naval College,
    Osborne, in the spring of this year, it has been decided to
    reduce the number of cadets at the College from 500 to 300.
    This reduction will not affect the numbers to be entered, as
    a larger number of cadets will be accommodated at Dartmouth
    Colliery."--_Scotsman_.

Where they will be trained, we suppose, as mine-sweepers.

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: THE REDUCED TRAIN SERVICE AT SLOWGRAVE.

"NO NEED TO IDLE YOUR TIME AWAY. JUST GET A SHEET OF EMERY-PAPER AND
TAKE THE RUST OFF O' THEM RAILS."]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: TRIALS OF A CAMOUFLAGE OFFICER.

_Sergeant-Major_. "BEG PARDON, SIR, I WAS TO ASK YOU IF YOU'D STEP UP
TO THE BATTERY, SIR."

_Camouflage Officer_. "WHAT'S THE MATTER?"

_Sergeant-Major_. "IT'S THOSE PAINTED GRASS SCREENS, SIR. THE MULES
HAVE EATEN THEM."]

       *       *       *       *       *

"GOG."

(_TO THE AUTHOR OF "JONG," PUNCH, SEPTEMBER 19TH._)

  O singer sublime of Beeyah-byyah-bunniga-nelliga-jong,
    It isn't envy, the green and yellow,
    That makes me take up my lyre, old fellow,
    And burst with a fierce cacophonous bellow
      Across the path of your song.
    I want to propose another name,
    Unknown to you and unknown to fame;
    It is like the sound of a hand-sawn log
    Or the hostile hark of a husky dog:
      Chagogagog-munchogagog-chabun-agungamog!

  This cracker of jaws is a lake, I'm told,
      A lake in the U.S.A.,
    And first the Indians, the red sort, owned it,
    But later to Uncle Sam they loaned it,
    Who afterwards made no bones, but boned it
      In the fine Autolycus way;
    And though life wasn't a matter vital
    He kept with the lake its rasping title,
    Which recalls the croak of an amorous frog
    Or a siren heard in an ocean fog:
            Chagogagog-munchogagog-chabun-agungamog!

       *       *       *       *       *

THE BUTTERFLY.

    "Two thousand cabbage butterflies have been captured by Huntingdon
    school-children, but more stern measures for their capture must be
    introduced."--_Evening Paper_.

In order to capture the cabbage butterfly the first thing to do is to
interest the creature by giving it a cabbage-leaf to play with. Then
take the kitchen-chopper in the right hand, lift it high and bring it
down with a crash on the third vertebra. Few butterflies repeat any
offence after this is severed.

       *       *       *       *       *

THE INVINCIBLE ARGENTINE.

    "There is a most useful Navy, including two or three
    super-Dreadnoughts, and the best-bred racehorses in the
    world."--_Irish Times_.

       *       *       *       *       *

    "Further instructions as regards the allowance to householders
    which have increased in size will be issued later. The issue of
    temporary cards is under consideration."--_Food Control Notice in
    "Liverpool Daily Post."_

"Who have increased in size" would be better grammar and just as good
sense.

       *       *       *       *       *

A LESSON FOR THE NATIONAL SERVICE DEPARTMENT.

Words under a picture in _The Daily Mail_:--

    "Chiropodists are attending to the feet of America's new army,
    and dentists are paying attention to the teeth."

Whereas in the British Army it might so easily have been the other way
round.

       *       *       *       *       *

OUR STYLISTS AGAIN.

From _The Tatler_ on the subject of the little Stork, which is the
badge of Capt. Guynemer's squadron:--

    "What emblem could, indeed, be more appropriate as well as
    beautiful as the bird which is the symbol of Alsace?"

       *       *       *       *       *

    "Wanted, Girls, age 18 to 22, for Jam Jars."--_Manchester Evening
    Chronicle_.

As a substitute for sugar, we presume; but wouldn't "Sweet Seventeen"
be even more suitable?

       *       *       *       *       *

    "In almost every part of England and Wales there are now
    some 200,000 women who are doing a real national work on the
    land."--_Mr. PROTHERO'S letter in "The Daily Telegraph."_

If there are 200,000 women in almost every part of England there can't
be much chance for the men, particularly the single men.

       *       *       *       *       *

THE WAR DOG.

Never confuse the "War dog" with the "dog of War." The War dog is a
direct product of the War, but you never yet met him collecting for
a hospital, or succouring the wounded, or assisting the police, or
hauling a mitrailleuse if he could help it. Yet the War dog worships
the Army; it represents a square meal and a "cushy" bed. The new draft
takes him for a mascot; but the old hand knows him better. A shameless
blend of petty larceny, mendacity, fleas, gourmandism, dirt and
unequalled plausibility.

You meet the War dog on some endless road. He will probably be wearing
round his neck a piece of dirty card analogous to the eye patch and
drooping Inverness cape of some mendicants nearer home--a "property"
in fact, and put there by himself, the writer is convinced, although
he has not yet actually caught the War dog dressing for the part. The
War dog on the road has "spotted" you long before you have seen him,
and he has marked you for his own. You become conscious of a piteous
whine just behind you and, turning, see the War dog, his eyes filled
with tears of entreaty, crawling towards you on his stomach. He
advances inch by inch, and on being encouraged with comfortable words
of invitation the parasite wriggles his lean body (it is trained
to _look_ lean--actually it is well padded with stolen food from
officers' kitchens) up to your feet, and, selecting a puddle in token
of his deep humility, rolls upon his back and smiles tearfully up
at you from between his grimy fore-paws. Then the game goes forward
merrily as per schedule.

Of course you take him back to camp and give him your last piece of
Blighty cake. You introduce your protégé--always crawling on his
stomach--to the cook; swear to the dog's immaculate conduct; beg a
trifle of straw from the transport, and in short see him comfortably
settled for the night.

The War dog has you now well beneath his paws. He joins the Mess and
listens with an ill-concealed grin as each in turn boasts of the
rat-catching powers of his dog at home. Then the War dog retreats
hurriedly as a mouse appears; and you, his victim, apologise for him
and explain how he has been shaken by adversity and what a noble
creature a few days of good food and kind treatment will make of him.
The rest is simple. The War dog (with his court) invades your bed
and home parcels, and brings you into disrepute with all and
sundry--especially the Cook and Quarter. He is fought and soundly
thrashed by the regimental mascot (half his size), and the battalion
wit composes limericks about you and your pet.

Then suddenly your War dog disappears. You are just beginning to live
him down--having moved into another area--when you espy him from the
street, the centre of a noisy group in a not too reputable wine-shop.
But the War dog never recognises you. He has finished with you--grown
tired of you, in fact (he rarely "works" the same victim for more than
three weeks). You and your battalion are to him as it were a bone
picked clean; and you depart with a prayer that he may die a stray's
death at the hands of the Military Police.

One month travelling snugly in a G.S. waggon (you never catch him
marching like an honest mascot), the next "swinging the lead" in some
warm dug-out--there are few moves on the board of the great War game
that he does not know. He will patronise a score of regiments in three
months; travel from one end of the Western Front to the other and back
again, taking care never to attempt to renew an old acquaintance.
Occasionally he makes the mistake of running across a mitrailleuse
battery with its dog-teams needing reinforcements, or tries to billet
himself on a military pigeon-loft and meets a violent death. But
whatever fortune may bring him we can confidently assert that he is
much too fly to chance his luck across the border and into the land
where the sausage-machines guard the secret of perpetual motion.

       *       *       *       *       *

IN WILD WALES.

  Dwarfing the town that to the hillside clings
    On terraced slopes, the castle, nobly planned
  And noble in its ruined greatness, flings
    Its double challenge to the sea and land.

  Oh, if the ancient spirit of the place
    Could win free utterance in articulate tones,
  What tales to hearten and inspire and brace
    Would issue from these grey and lichened stones!

  Once manned and held by paladin and peer,
    Now tenanted by jackdaws, bats and owls,
  Save when the casual tourist through its drear
    And grass-grown courts disconsolately prowls.

  Once famous as the scene of Border fights,
    Now watching, in the greatest war of all,
  Old men, with their bilingual acolytes,
    Beating, outside its gates, a little ball;

  While on the crumbling battlements on high,
    Where mail-clad men-at-arms kept watch and ward,
  Adventurous sheep amaze the curious eye
    Instead of grazing on the level sward.

  But though such incongruities may jar
    The sense of fitness in a mind fastidious,
  Modernity has wholly failed to mar
    The face of Nature here, or make it hideous.

  Inland the amphitheatre of hills
    Sweeps round with Snowdon as their central crest,
  And murmurs of innumerable rills
    Blend with the heaving of the ocean's breast.

  Already Autumn's fiery finger laid
    On heath and marsh and woodland far and wide
  In all their gorgeous pageantry has arrayed
    The tranquil beauties of the countryside.

  Here every prospect pleases, and the spot,
    Unspoilt, unvulgarised by man, remains,
  Thanks largely to a System which has not
    Accelerated or improved its trains.

  Yet even here, amid untroubled ways,
    Far from the city's fevered, tainted breath,
  Yon distant plume of yellow smoke betrays
    The ceaseless labours of the mills of death.

       *       *       *       *       *

    "William Arthur Fletcher, ship's apprentice, of South Shields,
    was remanded for a week on a charge of being absent from his
    ship. His captain alleged that he had found Fletcher asleep on
    the bridge."--_Daily Dispatch_.

It must have been his mind that was absent.

       *       *       *       *       *

    "At St. Peter's, Vere Street, where he is going to preach from the
    30th of this month to the end of this year, the Rev. R.J. Campbell
    will speak from the pulpit of Frederick Denison Maurice, like
    himself a convert to the Church of England ... To hear him was an
    experience never forgotten."--_Guardian_.

And this although MAURICE rarely preached for more than one month on
end.

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: MANNERS IN MACEDONIA.

LADIES FIRST.]

       *       *       *       *       *

OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.

(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks_.)

I can't help thinking that _Gyp_, the central figure in Mr. JOHN
GALSWORTHY'S new story, _Beyond_ (HEINEMANN), was unhappy in her
encounters with the opposite sex. But if memory serves me this is an
experience familiar to Mr. GALSWORTHY'S heroines. Men were always
wanting to kiss _Gyp_, or to marry her, or both, and after a time kept
going off and repeating the process with somebody else; so that one
can't fairly be astonished if towards the end of the book her outlook
had become rather cynical. The character who might have preserved her
estimate of mankind in general, and the best and most sympathetically
drawn figure in the book, is _Gyp's_ perfectly delightful old father,
who throughout the conspicuous failure of her two unions, legitimate
and other, retained his fine and chivalrous regard and unfailing
care for a daughter who might well have been a thorn in the flesh of
a conventional parent. But the relations of these two were never
conventional. _Gyp_ had been herself a love-child, and the knowledge
of this is shown very clearly in its influence upon their mutual
attitude. As for her own affairs, these were, first--to her father's
unbounded astonishment--marriage with a temperamental violinist, who
ran rapidly down the scale from adoration of his own wife to intrigue
with another's; second, clandestine relations with a man of her own
race and breed, who loved her to idolatry, and within a few months was
found embracing his cousin. Poor _Gyp_! I jest; but you will need no
telling that for sincerity and beauty of writing here is a book that
you cannot afford to miss. Sometimes I am a little uncertain what Mr.
GALSWORTHY is driving at, but I never fail to admire his drive.

       *       *       *       *       *

Unless Mr. S.P.B. MAIS learns to curb his enthusiasms and to rid
himself of certain prejudices he will be wantonly seeking trouble.
_Rebellion_ (GRANT RICHARDS) is in some respects a more thoughtful and
promising book than _Interlude_, but it is marred by what can only be
called the same narrow point of view. With everybody and everything
modern Mr. MAIS shows an ardent sympathy, but if he is ever to give a
comprehensive picture of life he must contrive to be more patient with
the old-fashioned. Here his strong personality obtrudes itself too
often, and he is inclined to forget that he is a novelist and not a
preacher. I could imagine him throwing off a fine comminatory sermon
from the text, "Cursed be he who does not admire the genius of Mr.
COMPTON MACKENZIE." This homily is drawn from me with reluctance,
because in the main I am a strong believer in Mr. MAIS, and (with
his connivance) have every intention of retaining that attitude.
With all its faults _Rebellion_ remains gloriously distinct from the
rubbish-heap of fiction by virtue of its intense sincerity and its
frequent flashes of fine descriptive writing. The question of sex
dominates it, and those of us who still think that such problems are
merely sustenance for the prurient-minded may cast it impatiently
aside. But others who like to watch a clever man feeling his way
towards the light, and regard a novel as neither a bait nor a bauble,
can be confidently advised to read it. They may be irritated, but they
will be intrigued.

       *       *       *       *       *

On the cover of _One Woman's Hero_ (METHUEN) you will read that "This
book has been designed to cheer and strengthen those for whom, from
bereavement owing to the War, the days and nights are sometimes only
a procession of sad and torturing visions." Which of course disarms
criticism, other than what may be expressed in a question whether a
book less exclusively preoccupied by the War might not more surely
have attained this end. But again, of course, maybe it wouldn't. The
tale (for all our pretendings) is not yet written that can actually
bring oblivion to bereavement, so perhaps the next best thing is
topical chatter of the bright and unsentimental kind with which SYBIL
CAMPBELL LETHBRIDGE has filled her entertaining pages. Chatter is
the only term for it, though it is quite good of its style; the form
being a series of letters written to a friend by the young wife of a
soldier at the front. Her neighbours, their households and dinners and
affectations and courage, are what she writes about; especially do I
commend her handling of the "Let us Forget and Forgive" tribe. To all
such (and most of us know at least one) I should suggest the posting
of a copy of _One Woman's Hero_, with the page turned down (an act
permissible in so good a cause) at the report of the annihilation
of one of these well-intentioned but infuriating philosophers. The
combined logic and equity of this suggest that the Government might
do worse than commandeer the services of Miss LETHBRIDGE as a
dinner-table propagandist.

       *       *       *       *       *

I think BEATRICE GRIMSHAW tortures overmuch her tough bronzed
Australian hero, who "could fight his weight in wild cats," and
her beautiful slender heroine, "daughter of castles, descendant of
crusaders." First the twain fall desperately in love, and _Edith_,
the Catholic, discovers _Ben_ to be an innocent _divorcé_. Marriage
impossible, they part. But it is apparently quite in order for her to
marry, without loving, a cocoa king who drinks--anything but cocoa;
which done, to add to the bitterness of the cup, _Ben's_ wife is
reported dead. Whereafter the king in a drunken fit poisons himself,
and the widow, fearing to be suspect, flies with her big _Ben_ to his
secret _Nobody's Island_ (HURST AND BLACKETT), off the New Guinea
coast, where they live comfortably off ambergris. Eventually tracked
down by the dead king's brother, who allows himself to be persuaded of
_Edith's_ innocence on what seems to me the most inadequate evidence,
the lovers, after protracted mental agonies and physical dangers,
are about to enjoy deserved peace when _Ben's_ wife turns up again,
necessitating further separation; till finally _Edith_, with a
handsome babe and the news that after all _Ben's_ first wife wasn't
a wife at all, finds her way back to Nobody's Island. Now that does
seem to be rather overdoing it. But I hasten to credit the writer with
a very happy gift of description, which brings the Papuan forests
and mountains (or something plausibly like them) vividly before the
reader, while the characters, including a boy villain ingenuously
bizarre, are amusing puppets capably manipulated.

       *       *       *       *       *

Mrs. BARNES-GRUNDY possesses a wonderful supply of sprightly humour.
_Her Mad Month_ (HUTCHINSON) is funny without being flippant, and
although the heroine is very naughty she is never naughty enough to
shock her creator's unhyphened namesake. Perhaps _Charmian's_ exploits
in escaping from a severe grandmother, and going unchaperoned to
Harrogate (where a very pretty piece of philandering ensued), do
not amount to much when seriously considered, but it is one of Mrs.
BARNES-GRUNDY'S strong points that you cannot take her seriously. I am
on her side all the time when she is giving me light comedy, but when
she leaves that vein and bathes her heroine in tears I cannot conjure
up any real sympathy. I never for a moment doubted that _Charmian's_
lover, though reported as having "died from wounds," would turn up
again. I am afraid the War is responsible for a great deal of rather
obvious fiction.

       *       *       *       *       *

Miss MARIE HARRISON has investigated the condition of Ireland, and in
_Dawn in Ireland_ (MELROSE) she presents the results of her studies.
The book is inspired by a great deal of the right kind of enthusiasm,
and the advice given is so excellent as to arouse the fear that it
will not be taken. Yet Miss HARRISON is justified of her endeavours.
She shows how often the English governors of Ireland have failed, in
spite of the best intentions, only because they applied their remedy
too late and thus, to their own great surprise, wasted the generosity
of which they were perhaps too conscious. According to Miss HARRISON
the gombeenman is the curse of Ireland, the serpent whose presence, if
only he can be reduced to being an absentee, warrants us in regarding
Ireland as a possible Eden. Miss HARRISON will please to take the
preceding sentence as proving my entire sympathy with Irish modes
of thought and expression and, generally, with Ireland. Against
the gombeener (who is a shop-keeper running his business on the
long-credit system) she invokes a vision of the blessings of
co-operation. One of her heroes is Sir HORACE PLUNKETT, and, indeed,
the work of the Irish Agricultural Organisation Society, over which
he has presided, has been an unmixed benefit to Ireland. I heartily
endorse Miss HARRISON'S hope that "at no distant period all will
be well with Ireland." Her book should certainly help towards this
result.

       *       *       *       *       *

Captain VERE SHORTT fell at Loos in September of 1915, and left twelve
chapters of a story, _The Rod of the Snake_ (LANE), which his sister
has finished and very capably finished; helped by the recollection of
many intimate conversations about the plot and its development. It
tells how young _Charlie Shandross_, bidding his preposterous soldier
uncle be hanged, shook the stale dust of Ballybar off his feet, served
three years in the C.M.R., and so prepared himself for the deadly
adventure of the rod of the snake, the image of the ape, the Haytian
attaché and the sinister priestess of Voodoo rites--Paris its setting.
I won't spoil your pleasure by giving the details away; I will only
say it is all very splendidly incredible, but not unplausible, and the
authors do take pains with their puzzles, as where the hero and his
party find the secret spring of the panel in the vault by the blood
tracks of their enemy, who has been thoughtfully wounded in the hand.
A small point but significant; too many writers in this kind being
given to whisking their favourites out of danger in the most arbitrary
manner. A good railway book, of the sort you can confidently pass on
to the soldiers' hospitals after reading it.

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: THE LAST VISITOR AND THE NATIONAL ANTHEM.]