The Project Gutenberg EBook of Santa Claus' Daughter, by Everett Elliott and F. W. Hardcastle This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org/license Title: Santa Claus' Daughter A Musical Christmas Burlesque in Two Acts Author: Everett Elliott F. W. Hardcastle Release Date: May 24, 2017 [EBook #54780] Language: English Character set encoding: UTF-8 *** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK SANTA CLAUS' DAUGHTER *** Produced by MFR, Paul Marshall and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This book was produced from images made available by the HathiTrust Digital Library.) AMES’ SERIES OF STANDARD AND MINOR DRAMA, No. 309. Santa Claus’ Daughter. 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Y. 7 6 37 Not So Bad After All 6 5 SANTA CLAUS’ DAUGHTER. A MUSICAL CHRISTMAS BURLESQUE IN TWO ACTS, BY EVERETT ELLIOTT AND F. W. HARDCASTLE. TO WHICH IS ADDED DESCRIPTION OF THE COSTUMES—CAST OF THE CHARACTERS—ENTRANCES AND EXITS—RELATIVE POSITIONS OF THE PERFORMERS ON THE STAGE, AND THE WHOLE OF THE STAGE BUSINESS. _Entered according to the act of Congress in the year 1892, by AMES’ PUBLISHING CO., in the office of the Librarian of Congress at Washington._ CLYDE, OHIO: AMES’ PUBLISHING CO. _SANTA CLAUS’ DAUGHTER._ _CAST OF CHARACTERS._ SANTA CLAUS GUSSIE DESMYTHE _Secretary to Santa Claus._ DENNIS O’ROURKE FOOTMAN COACHMAN MRS. SANTA CLAUS _Santa Claus’ wife._ KITTY CLAUS _Santa Claus’ only daughter._ QUEEN OF SNOW-FAIRIES FOUR SNOW-FAIRIES THE FOUR HOLIDAYS _Fourth of July, Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years._ ERIN _Goddess of Ireland._ _COSTUMES._ SANTA CLAUS.—Complete suit of furs; peaked cap, great-coat, top-boots. GUSSIE DESMYTHE.—First dress, smoking jacket, light pantaloons, slippers. Second dress, dark morning suit. DENNIS O’ROURKE.—First dress, battered plug hat, red wig, linen duster, gaiters, worn-out shoes. Second dress, full-dress suit, ancient cut, striped shirt, exaggerated jewelry. FOOTMAN AND COACHMAN.—Eccentric and exaggerated livery. MRS. SANTA CLAUS.—Modern dress. KITTY CLAUS.—Modern dress. QUEEN OF SNOW-FAIRIES.—White dress, spangles, crown and wand. SNOW-FAIRIES.—Same as Queen, except that they wear no crowns. FOUR HOLIDAYS.—Costumes and colors suggesting days represented. ERIN.—White and green dress, trimmed in gold, wreath. _PROPERTIES._ Large book and quill pen for Gussie; carpet bag and cane for O’Rourke; sleigh bells. Also quizzing glass for Gussie. SYNOPSIS OF EVENTS. ACT I.—Scene, North Pole Snow Castle. Santa Claus’ home. Song of the Snow-fairies. Gussie and the Fairies. Santa Claus preparing for his “night out.” The “Directory.” “The Dude.” Kitty wants to move to the land of mortals, where men are plenty. Santa Claus’ advice. Song by Santa Claus and family, “A Model Man.” Gussie, “That’s clevah, deucedly clevah doncher no?” Gussie’s attempt to sing. Chestnut bell. Santa Claus’ promise to bring Kitty a man. Astonishment at Kitty’s rash request. Caught out on a foul. “I’ll bring her a boodler, a Farmer’s Alliance man,” anything to disgust her with the whole race. Song—Sleighing song. Departure of Santa Claus for the land of mortals, in his sleigh and fleet-footed reindeers. ACT. II.—Return of Santa Claus, with an Irish Paddy. Santa Claus and Gussie witness unseen, the meeting of Kitty and “her man.” “Do yez chew gum, and play on the type-writer.” Song by Kitty, “The Pleasure of Catching a Man.” The proposal. “The could weather will make yez a widdy before yez married, so it will.” Santa Claus’ despair at Kitty’s acceptance of O’Rourke. Gussie has an idea. O’Rourke declared King of the North Pole. Coronation song. March by Fairies and Holidays. “The last ton of coal which broke the camels back.” O’Rourke ascends the throne. Cigarette or two. Kitty resolves to reform O’Rourke. Tableau. Erin appears. Her appeal in behalf of the Irish girls, beats the world and Kitty isn’t in it. Kitty undecided whether to go with O’Rourke or remain. Tableau. Curtain. _STAGE DIRECTIONS._ R., means Right; L., Left; R. H., Right Hand; L. H., Left Hand; C., Centre; S. E., [2d E.,] Second Entrance; U. E., Upper Entrance; M. D., Middle Door; F., the Flat; D. F., Door in Flat; R. C., Right of Centre; L. C., Left of Centre. R. R. C. C. L. C. L. ⁂ The reader is supposed to be upon the stage facing the audience. Santa Claus’ Daughter. ACT I. _SCENE._—_A large hall in_ SANTA CLAUS’ _Snow-palace. Throne-chair_ R. U. E.; _table and chair_ L.; _bell cord_ L.; _as curtain rises_ GUSSIE _is discovered at table_ L., _writing in a large book_. _Enter_, SNOW-FAIRIES, C., _and come down to front_. SONG OF SNOW-FAIRIES. _To the tune of “My Boyhood’s Happy Home Down on the Farm.”_ We are fairies of the snow, And every where we go We make the hearts of children glad and gay; From their window seats so warm, They look out upon the storm And dream of future childish sports and play. _Chorus._ We fulfill a mission too, As every one should do; Who have a mission worthy of the name, From our home in Northern clime, Come we forth at Christmas time A quiet share in Christmas joys to claim. On earth’s cold and frozen face Each white snow-flake takes its place, All unite a cosy mantle thus to form, Universal mother keep, Covered during winter’s sleep ’Till spring-time’s sun shines forth again so warm. _At close of song_ GUSSIE _comes down to front, makes an extravagant bow to the_ FAIRIES. _Gus._ Well now, that’s clevah, deucedly clevah doncherno, but ladies, you distract my mind from the duties incident to my exalted office. I must really ask you to depaht. I must indeed. _Fai._ (FAIRIES _stamp their feet indignantly and speak in chorus_) Listen to that! The horrid man! Distract his mind indeed, bah! (_to_ GUSSIE) You never had a mind. _Gus._ Beg pardon ladies, but it is twue, evewy word twue. This is Chwistmas Eve and in one hour fwom this time I must have the “World’s Directory of Deserving Didlets” weady for Santa Claus before he starts out upon his annual journey. _Fai._ (_in chorus_) Is that true? Why did you not say so before? _Queen._ (FAIRIES _go to entrances_ R. _and_ L., QUEEN _goes to_ C. _All turn and look at_ GUSSIE _as_ QUEEN _says_) Gussie, we go, but we return; and when we do return we will sing—Comrades!! (_exeunt_, FAIRIES _Gus._ Well, I flatter myself, that was nicely done. Other fellows may have some trouble in managing the ladies, but it is no trouble at all, when you know how. Gussie old boy, you are clevah, deucedly clevah. _Enter_, SANTA CLAUS, C. _Santa._ Well my good fellow, are all things prepared? Is the Directory ready for my journey to-night? _Gus._ (_making profound bow_) Yes, your majesty, it will be ready in fifteen minutes. (_sits at table_, L., _and writes_ _Santa._ By-the-way, Gus— _Gus._ (_interrupting_) Gussie, sir, Gussie. _Santa._ Well, Gussie, how are the children panning out this year? Are there as many as usual? _Gus._ More, your majesty, many more. _Santa._ More? Well, well! And the Smiths, I suppose there are a few Smiths left? _Gus._ Ah! your majesty, their name is Legion! _Santa._ Legion! Eh? Um, ah! yes, Legion. Well, it may rest us a little to have them change their name. What is it Shakespeare has to say on the subject of changing names? Smith—Smith—by any other name would—um—no! no! that is not exactly what I want. (_walks up and down stage, hands behind his back, meditatively_ _Gus._ Oh! I say, your majesty, have you heard of the accident? _Santa._ Accident? Whose accident? _Gus._ The Jones’, sir. _Santa._ The Jones’? And what is the matter with the Jones’? _Gus._ (_sorrowfully_) Dead! _Santa._ What, dead? All dead? _Gus._ Oh no! your majesty, not all of them, but Johnny and his sister Sue— _Santa._ (_starting towards_ GUSSIE _angrily_) Villain, I fain would smite thee! (_stops suddenly and draws hand across forehead_) No! no! what would I do? Destroy the last lingering specimen of an almost extinct race? I will spare thee, dude. Proceed with thy labors. (SANTA _walks up and down stage thoughtfully, while_ GUSSIE _makes a great show of writing in his book_. SANTA _stops to watch him as he writes all the way across one page and as far to one side as he can reach_) What are you doing there? _Gus._ Your majesty, I am writing the name of the child of a Russian exile, but I fear you will have to carry a few K’s and Z’s loose in your pocket, for of a verity the book will not contain them all. (_gong heard striking off_ L., SANTA _listens_, GUSSIE _starts_) Great smoke, I am discovered! There goes that chestnut bell! _Santa._ It is the ninth hour; I must hasten. (_to_ GUSSIE) Summon my household that I may bid them good-by. (GUSSIE _pulls bell-rope_, L., _great noise of tin pans, cans, cat calls, etc., heard_) There, there, that will do. We do not want to perform the miracle of raising the dead. FAIRIES _rush in_ R., HOLIDAYS L., MRS. CLAUS C., _followed by_ KITTY _Mrs. C._ Wh-wh-where’s the fire! _Omnes._ Yes, where’s the fire. _Santa._ The fire? There is no fire my dears. _Mrs. C._ (_seizing_ SANTA’S _sleeve and trying to lead him off_ L.) Then let us get out of this house at once, hubby, there is going to be an earth-quake! Didn’t you hear that noise? _Gus._ Oh! pshaw, that was only a fall in the temperature. _Omnes._ Is that so? Oh! I am so glad. _Santa._ Yes, but I don’t want you to be glad. It is very disrespectful in you, to say the least, to be glad at a time like this. _Mrs. C._ Why my dear hubby, what is the matter with the time? _Santa._ The matter is, my dear, that I am going to leave you presently. _Omnes._ Going to leave us? _Kitty._ Going to leave us? Why papa, you will be too early for the World’s Fair. _Santa._ I am not going to the World’s Fair, daughter. Have you forgotten that this is Christmas Eve, my regular night out? _Mrs. C._ Why, so it is; I had forgotten. To-night you go forth to distribute gum-drops, drums and dollies to the children of all Christendom. It is very kind of you my dear, I am sure, and I am sorry that you are compelled to tear yourself away, but you will return to-morrow? _Santa._ I am glad that you appreciate me, my dear. Let me advise you to keep a good thing while you have it. _Kitty._ Yes, papa is a good man; at least, I suppose he is a good man. Good is a relative term, and men are so scarce in this kingdom of the North Pole, that I cannot judge by comparison. _Santa._ Daughter, I am an exceptional creature in every way. Thank the Fates that you have never been permitted to meet a less worthy specimen of the race than your papa. _Gus._ (GUSSIE _giggles_) Speaking of men, how about me? (_swaggers with thumbs in arm holes of vest_ _Omnes._ Oh! you don’t count; you’re a dude. (GUSSIE _retires discomfited_ _Kitty._ Papa, are men as scarce in the land of mortals as they are here? _Santa._ No, my child, no indeed; there are not enough to go around to be sure; and under the present system, old maids seem to be a compulsory blessing; still they are numerous, quite so. _Kitty._ (_rapturously_) Oh! papa, let’s move! _Mrs. C._ Why, what is the matter with the child? (_goes over to_ KITTY) My dear you must be ill: come, take a milk-shake and go to bed. _Gus._ (_aside_) Milk-shake! I believe I am feeling a kind of goneness too. _Santa._ No! no, there is nothing the matter with the child, only a little natural curiosity, that is all; but Kitty you would better remain content to know no man but your papa; he is an exceptional creature, I assure you. _Omnes._ Yes, your papa is a model man. _Santa Claus sings_ A MODEL MAN. It is, my friends, quite difficulty to find a fault in me, I have in some queer way escaped total depravity. Though in unbroken line I trace descent from mother Eve, There is no sin in my make-up; I’m perfect, I believe. _Chorus._ He is a perfect paragon, old Santa Claus. He never swears above his breath—unless he has a cause; Enumerate his virtues I think we hardly can, But taken all in all he is a perfect Model Man. Our brightest plans in this vain world are apt to go amiss, But keep your temper; don’t destroy your hopes of future bliss; Don’t scold your wife, don’t kick your dog, let me your model be; I scold my wife? Not for my life! She’d surely wallop me. Another thing:—Avoid conceit; quit blowing your own horn, But be like me, as modest as the blush of early morn, And when we’ve reached the end of life, with pride we look back Upon the wide swath we have cut, a broad and shining track. _Gus._ Well now that’s clevah, deucedly clevah, by Jove. Methinks I’ll warble a little myself. (_starts down stage_ _Omnes._ Oh! spare us, spare us! (_stopping him_ _Gus._ Just as you please ladies, but it is your misfortune that you do not appreciate good music. _Kitty._ Papa, that is a very pretty custom of yours, of every year giving presents to the children of mortals; so pretty indeed, that I wonder you have not tried it at home, that you have never given your daughter a Christmas present. _Santa._ My dear child, it would be useless; the wealth of my kingdom is at your command; your every wish is gratified. What more could I give you than you already have? _Kitty._ But surely, surely, there is something in the land of mortals which I have not. Could you not bring me a gift from there? _Santa._ I had not thought of that. Yes, ask what e’er thou wilt, be it in my power to do so I will grant it. _Kitty._ You have given your word. _Santa._ Yes, and my word is worth twenty piastries on the dollar. _Kitty._ Then papa, bring me—bring me—a man! _Mrs. C._ What is the child saying? _Omnes._ She says she wants a man! _Santa._ (_aside_) Caught out on a foul! How am I to get out of this predicament? I have given my word and I would rather break a dollar bill than break my word. (_thinks_) Ah, I have it! I will bring her a man, but oh, such a man! I will bring her a boodler, a fee-grabber, a Farmer’s Alliance advocate, ha! ha! ha! She will be disgusted with the whole race and I will save my honor and my child. (_turns to_ KITTY.) Daughter, you shall have your man. _During this speech all indulge in business of surprise at_ KITTY’S _rash request_. _Kitty._ Papa, you are a gem! _Santa._ A gem, daughter? You mean a jewel do you not? _Gus._ No she means tin-types; three for a quarter, doncherno. (_sleigh-bells heard off_ R., GUSSIE _in horror_) Great smoke! There goes that chestnut bell again. _Santa._ Ah! my sleigh and my fleet-footed reindeers are ready. I must away. _Enter_, FOOTMAN _and_ COACHMAN, C., _and stand one on each side of entrance_. _Footman._ Your majesty, we are ready. (_bows low_ _Santa._ And so am I. My friends you well might envy me my ride to-night, with the pale moon shining overhead and the white snow gleaming beneath the feet of my fleet-footed reindeers. And the bells, what melody their little metal tongues peal forth upon the frosty air. Surely it is a subject worthy the pen of a poet; the description of a sleigh-ride on a night like this. _Santa Claus sings_ SLEIGHING SONG. _To the tune of “The Village Blacksmith.”_ Cling, cling, cling, cling; hark, the merry jingle; Cling, cling, cling, cling; swift it’s drawing nigh; How it makes my nerves with joy to tingle, What’s the reason why? Ancient and hoary though I be, My beard a cloud of gray, There is no other sport to me Like riding in a sleigh. _Chorus._ Ancient and hoary though he be His beard a cloud of gray, He says “There is no other sport to me Like riding in a sleigh.” Cling, cling, cling, cling: ring ye merry sleigh-bells, Cling, cling, cling, cling; on the frosty air. What tales of joy each little metal tongue tells, Joy without a care. Swift as swallows in their flight My eight fleet reindeers go, With stars above to furnish light Reflected by the snow. _Repeat chorus softly as_ SANTA CLAUS _exits_ C., _followed by_ FOOTMAN _and_ COACHMAN, _the rest gazing after him_. CURTAIN. END OF ACT I. ACT II. _SCENE._—_Same as in Act I. Sleigh bells heard in distance coming nearer, until they stop at_ C.; SANTA CLAUS _enters_ C., _followed by_ GUSSIE _and preceded by_ FOOTMAN. (_Exit_, FOOTMAN. _Gus._ Your majesty has returned. You are even more prompt than usual. No one would suspect that those venerable whiskers of yours had been silvered by the frosts of many hundreds of winters. _Santa._ No, Gus my boy, time has no power to dampen the ardor of old Santa Claus, nor to make him the less able to perform his self-appointed duties. But that reminds me Gus.; last night my daughter made a strange request. You heard it did you not? _Gus._ Yes, your majesty, I heard it, and thought it strange that you should make the promise that you did. _Santa._ And so it was, and would have been much worse than strange had not a happy thought struck me with a force like unto a hod of falling bricks. _Gus._ In other words, you had an idea. _Santa._ Right you are; and as a reward for your years of faithful service I propose to share it with you. _Gus._ (_aside_) I wish his idea would take the form of an increase in my salary. Ten dollars a month scarce suffices to keep me in raiment befitting my noble birth and high position, doncherno. _Santa._ What were you saying, Gus? _Gus._ I was saying, your majesty, that I would indeed be proud to share your first idea with you. _Santa._ Well then, this is the scheme: I have brought back with me a man as green as the green isle from which he came, a regular Paddy of the old school. My daughter, having seen no men but you and me, will conclude that he is one of the choicest specimens of his species, and will thus be disenchanted. _Gus._ The scheme looks well upon the face of it; I only hope that it may conclude even as your majesty wishes. _Santa._ You hope that it may work! Why sir, it _must_ work! Think of the position I would be in should my daughter ever marry! In six short months or less, my son-in-law would have my throne and I would lose my job; mayhaps, shorn of my kingly robes, be slinging hash to earn my daily bread. (_shudders_ _Gus._ Well now, that’s clevah, deucedly clevah, by Jove. _Santa._ What is that? Clever, did you say? _Gus._ I mean, your majesty, that it was very clevah of you to extricate yourself from such a trying situation. _Santa._ Oh! yes, that’s different; and now I will proceed to unfold my plans to you. _Gus._ Proceed by all means. _Santa._ I have ordered the terrier to be brought into this room, and have also requested that my daughter come here. We will conceal ourselves and enjoy her astonishment at her first meeting with her man. (O’ROURKE’S _voice heard off_ L. _O’Rourke._ Can’t yez let go av me arrums, yez miserable dagos? Do yez think Oi can’t walk alone at all, at all? _Santa._ Ah! there he comes. Now then. (_they hide behind throne-chair_ _Enter_, O’ROURKE L., _with_ FOOTMAN _and_ COACHMAN _holding to his arms_. _O’Rourke._ Come now, yeez hand-organ aristocrats, lave go me arrums. (FOOTMAN _and_ COACHMAN _bow to him and exit_, C.) (O’ROURKE _shivering_) Oh moy, oh moy, Oi don’t know whether this is an oice-crame saloon or a refrigerator car, but wan thing Oi do know, an’ that same is that this overcoat of moine is too foine for me prisint station in loife. (_sees bell-rope_) Helloa, phwat’s that? Oi think Oi’ll give her a pull and see if it won’t turrun on the stame. (_pulls rope, great noise heard off_ L., O’ROURKE _terrified_) Oh Oi say now, phwat a commiseration Oi’ve created, to be share. _Enter_, FOOTMAN, C. Oh, get out av this, get out av this! You little spalpeen; can’t yez lave me alone at all, at all. _Foot._ I have answered the bell sir, what is your wish? _O’Rourke._ (_aside_) Oh, Oi see, he has come to take my order. (_aloud_) Oi say, send me up a ton of coal and a match; do yez moind? _Foot._ We have no coal, sir. _O’Rourke._ Will yez listen to that now! Yez have no coal, is it? Thin phwat do yez do for a foire, say now? _Foot._ We use no fire, sir; we do not feel the cold. _O’Rourke._ Yez don’t feel the could? Well thin, Oi do just that same. Yez can take moi ordher for a suit of clothes if yez plaze, sor. (_exit_, FOOTMAN, C. Well, what a quare set of crathures these are to be sure, and what a quare fix yez has got yerself into, McGinnins ould bye. Lasht night I was promenading down the streets of me native city whin suddintly biz—whiz—siz—and along came a sleigh pulled by six milch cows with forked horruns and a little man insoide all covered over with whiskirs. Thin out jumped thim little Frinch dagos, took hould of moi arrums and chucked me into that sleigh so quick Oi couldn’t draw moi breath; it’s down at the Bank yet. Oh, if Oi’d only had moi good shillelah then; Oi’d have cracked them wance or twice so Oi would. Thin, biz—whiz—siz—again, and here Oi am in a lodging house where they don’t have no foire and don’t feel the could. Oh moi, oh moi, Oi’ll have to keep circulatin’ around or Oi’ll be an oiceberg, so I will. (_dances around the room to keep warm_ _Enter_, KITTY, C., _unobserved by_ O’ROURKE _and watches him for a time_. _Kitty._ What are you doing there? _O’Rourke._ (_still dancing and not looking around_) Kaping warrum to be coorse. Did yez think Oi was saying moi prayers? _Kitty._ Are you a man? _O’Rourke._ Av coorse Oi’m a man. Phwat did yez take me for, a statty of Venus? (_strokes his chin whiskers_ _Kitty._ Then you must be the man my papa was to bring me. _O’Rourke._ Yis, Oi’m yer man. (_stops dancing and looks at her_) Why, begorra it’s a girrul! How do you do, Miss Cleveland? _Kitty._ My name is not Cleveland, sir: My name is Kitty Claus; I am the daughter of Santa Claus. _O’Rourke._ Was that him what tore me away from moi home and kindred last noight? _Kitty._ I suppose so. _O’Rourke._ Then, Miss Claus, Oi shall have yer father prosecuted for cruelty to animals. That’s phwat Oi will. (_motions_ KITTY _to come nearer_) Come here, now, come here, come here. (KITTY _comes to his side_, O’ROURKE _in a stage whisper says_) Do yez chew gum? _Kitty._ No sir, my mamma says I mustn’t. _O’Rourke._ Well now, that’s a good girrul. Here is a penny; go to the blacksmith’s and get a bun. Say, do you play on the type-writer? _Kitty._ Play on the type-writer? _O’Rourke._ To be coorse. (_goes through motions of writing with his fingers_ _Kitty._ What is that? I never saw a type-writer. _O’Rourke._ Never saw a type-writer? Oh moi child, moi child, Oi fear your musical eddication has been sadly neglected. _Kitty._ I hope not, sir. I can sing quite well; at least so my papa says. Shall I sing for you? _O’Rourke._ Yis, sing to me. _Kitty._ What shall I sing? _O’Rourke._ Oh, Oi don’t, care; anything but “Marguerite.” _Kitty._ Well then, how would you like to hear “The Song That Reached My Heart?” _O’Rourke._ Oh, don’t do that, don’t do that. Oi’ve got the toothache. _Kitty._ You are hard to please, sir; but if you do not care to hear the song that reached my heart, I will sing you one of my own composition, written upon a theme which is nearest my heart, “The Pleasure of Catching a Man.” _Kitty sings_ THE PLEASURE OF CATCHING A MAN. _Music, “McSarley’s Most Elegant Twins.”_ I’ve a question momentous I wish to propound To matrons and maidens alike: If you lived in a land where men are not found, Don’t you think you would go on a strike? What’s the use of fine features, of bright eyes and curls, When no one is by to admire? I’ve tried it, and know what I’m saying, dear girls, Of that kind of life you’d soon tire. _Chorus._ In childhood it’s dollies, it’s novels for girls, But tell me my friends if you can, Where’s the pleasure in life for a girl of eighteen Like the pleasure of catching a man? Each day like the former a burden time hangs On your hands; life itself is a bore. With not even ambition to curl your bangs, And your mirrors with dust covered o’er, You would turn with disgust from a tailor-made gown, From diamonds, lace and all that, And in extreme cases one might even frown At a love or a duck of a hat. You have heard of the blossom whose sweetest perfume Was wasted upon desert air, But the aimless existence of this pretty bloom Does not for a moment compare With the life of a maiden, the victim of Fate, Compelled to live out life’s span In a country that does not provide her a mate, Too poor to furnish a man. _O’Rourke._ That’s a foine song, to be sure; beautiful sentiment and all that, but are you really in earnest about this matter? _Kitty._ Indeed I am. _O’Rourke._ Thin how would yez loike to become Mrs. O’Rourke? _Kitty._ (_running toward him_) Oh! do you really mean—(_turning away_) er—er—this is so sudden—you must give me time to think. _O’Rourke._ “Think it over!” Yes, an’ whoile yez is thinkin’ it over Oi’ll be sthandin’ here frazin’ to death. Yez’ll have to do yer thinkin’ purty quick Miss Claus, or yez’ll be a widdy before yez is married, so you will. _Kitty._ Are you really cold, dear? Why of course you are; how stupid of me to forget that you are not used to such a rigorous climate and those clothes of yours are hardly the proper thing for this frigid zone. I suppose you did not have time to change your clothes. _O’Rourke._ To be coorse Oi didn’t have toime to get a shave even. (_strokes whiskers_) Bad cess to that father of yours. _Kitty._ Poor man, how you must suffer. Come with me. I will have the court tailor take your measure for a suit of furs and the servants shall see that you are provided with a fire. _O’Rourke._ Kitty, yez is a good girrul; but Oi say, would yez moind sinding up a ham and some hen-fruit. _Kitty._ Hen-fruit? _O’Rourke._ Yis, some eggs, you know. _Kitty._ Oh! of course not. You shall have something to eat at once. (KITTY _goes to_ C. _O’Rourke._ (_aside_) McGinnis ould bye, yer in luck this toime to be sure. What a pity it is we can’t all be borrun with silver spoons in our pockets. Jist look at me now! Oi’m goin’ to have a shquare meal, a shute of clothes and perhaps a woife, and whin Oi get her Oi’m goin’ right back to ould Erin and—(_stops to think_) Ah! there’s the rub. How am Oi goin’ to get back to Erin? (_aloud_) Well Kitty, Oi’m with yez whoile the grub lashts. (_exeunt_, C. SANTA CLAUS _and_ GUSSIE _come from behind throne_. _Gus._ Well now, that’s clevah, deucedly clevah! _Santa._ Oh Gussie! Gussie! Would you add insult to injury by mocking a poor old man whose only daughter is about to break her father’s heart by becoming the wife of a potato-masher? _Gus._ Pardon me, your majesty, but the potato-masher seems to have crushed us very successfully. He has quite a fetching way with the ladies too. I couldn’t have managed that little romance better myself. _Santa._ But what is to be done to avert this dreadful calamity? _Gus._ Send the terrier away, of course. _Santa._ Impossible! The man would die of cold and hunger. You seem to forget, Gussie, that we are surrounded with ice and snow, piled mountain-high. How many brave explorers from the land of mortals have lost their lives in the attempt to penetrate the mysteries of the North Pole. _Gus._ But can you not take the man away as you brought him here? _Santa._ Have you also forgotten that one of the conditions of my becoming immortal and the Christmas Saint was that I was not to leave these icy fastnesses but once each year? I can not take this man away until next year on Christmas Eve, in that time who knows what dreadful things may happen? (_completely un-nerved_ _Gus._ Your majesty, give me leave to think. _Santa._ Yes, Gussie, think! think! I know not if dudes have a thinker, but if you have thinks to think, prepare to think them now Gussie, prepare to think them now. (SANTA _drops in chair at table overcome by emotion, while_ GUSSIE _walks up and down the room in comical attitude of thinking_.) Your thinker seems to be working rather slowly, Gussie; time is very precious to me now. (GUSSIE _stops suddenly and claps his hands_ _Gus._ I have it! _Santa._ Good! What is it? _Gus._ It is a plan to circumvent this Hibernian rogue, a very simple plan, but clever, deucedly clever and reflects great credit upon it’s author. _Santa._ Gussie, if your plan succeeds, I’ll raise your salary to $12.00 a month. _Gus._ I hear some one approaching. I will not have time to explain my plan in detail, but you must promise to make no objection to any of my actions while I am carrying the plan out, and I assure you all will be right in the end. _Enter_, O’ROURKE, R. U. E. _Santa._ (_hesitating_) I will do as you wish. (_exit_, L. O’ROURKE _advances forward looking admiringly at himself in a new suit of clothes_. _O’Rourke._ Begorra, it’s a foine display Oi’m makin’ now. Oi’m a worker from Cork so Oi am, and—(_sees_ GUSSIE) Oh! take it away, take it away! _Gus._ This is Mr. O’Rourke, I believe. I must take the liberty of introducing myself. I am Gussie de Smythe, Grand Illustrious Scribe and Supreme Confidential Clerk to his Majesty, Santa Claus, Ruler of the Kingdom of the North Pole. _O’Rourke._ (_aside_) He looks like a grand illustrated squib from “Puck.” (_aloud_) Oi say, could you say that again and say it real slow? You ought to be more careful about makin’ payple acquainted wid doubtful characters. Howsomever, Oi don’t moind a little thing loike that in a could counthry loike this. Oi’m quite fond of curiosities moiself, so Oi am. _Gus._ Sir, this unseemly levity is far from being as clevah as you suppose, in fact it is quite the contrary, doncherno; but to proceed to business—you know the purpose for which you were brought here, do you not? _O’Rourke._ Well thin, Oi don’t jist that same; Oi don’t know nawthin’ about it at all, at all an’ that’s phwat’s the matter with me, so it is. _Gus._ Then I can enlighten you upon that point. You were brought here to ascend the throne and become the successor of Santa Claus as ruler of the Kingdom of the North Pole. _O’Rourke._ You don’t say; an’ how much will Oi git fur that job now? _Gus._ Oh! you will have this beautiful palace, innumerable servants and countless wealth at your disposal. _O’Rourke._ But how about the wurruk? Phwat’s moy hours? _Gus._ You will have no work to do, nothing to do but sit on your throne and make laws for the government of your Kingdom. A monarch is never supposed to do anything for himself; there will be hosts of servants at hand to do your bidding; and I, as your private secretary, will ever be at your side ready to carry out your desires as soon, or even before, they are expressed. _O’Rourke._ All roight, Oi’ll go you wan for luck. Begorra this job is ace and joker ahead of the perlice force. _Gus._ I am glad that you are willing to assume the responsibilities of the office sir. No time need be lost; we will proceed with the coronation ceremonies at once. (_pulls bell-rope: noise as before_ _O’Rourke._ The corneration ceremonies? An’ phwat might them same be now? _Gus._ You shall soon see. I have summoned all of the royal household, including Santa Claus himself; he will renounce his title and the throne, and will publicly proclaim you king with the title of Santa Claus the II. O’ROURKE _struts up and down the stage arranging his collar and tie_. SANTA CLAUS _enters_ L. U. E., _with_ MRS. CLAUS _and_ KITTY _on either arm; comes down stage_ L., _followed by the_ HOLIDAYS; FAIRIES _enter_ R. U. E.; FOOTMAN _and_ COACHMAN _enter_ C., _and stand on each side of the door_. _O’Rourke._ Ah! there’s Kitty. Swate girrul, that Kitty. Oi say, Kitty, ain’t Oi a darlint in my new suit of clothes? _Kitty._ You are indeed a charming creature, Mr. O’Rourke. Are you for sale? _O’Rourke._ Oi don’t know. Oi’ll come hoigh if Oi am. Oi’m the only wan av me that’s left. GUSSIE _takes position in front, clears his throat and makes a few preliminary gestures as if preparing to make a speech_. _Gus._ Friends, Romans, Countrymen— _O’Rourke._ Naw you don’t! Naw you don’t! You don’t borry anything from me at all, at all. _Gus._ (_ignoring the interruption_) I have summoned you here to witness the coronation ceremonies of Mr. McGinnis O’Rourke, whom I now proclaim King of the North Pole with the title of Santa Claus II. _Santa._ (_going over to_ GUSSIE _and speaking angrily_) What are you saying, sir? This is treason! Do you hear? Treason! (GUSSIE _goes through pantomime of explaining to_ SANTA _O’Rourke._ Do yez hear that now? Oi’m going to be King, so Oi am; and Kitty, you shall be moy bride and do me washin’. You’re a princess now Oi belave, but Oi’m going to make yez a rale queen. Do yez hear, Kitty moy darlint? A rale queen and you shall have a new piece of gum ivery day, so you shall. _Mrs. C._ What is that dreadful man saying? Come Kitty my child, you must not stay here to be insulted in this way. (_tries to lead_ KITTY _off_ R. _Santa._ (_speaking aloud as he returns to his wife’s side_) All right, Gussie, my boy; but be careful, be very careful. (_pantomime of persuading his wife to remain_ _Gus._ Well, Mr. O’Rourke, are you prepared to take the coronation oath? _O’Rourke._ No sir! Oi niver shware. Oi’m not abducted to the use av profanity in any forrum sir. _Gus._ Well, I suppose the taking of the oath would be a useless formality in your case; we will dispense with it. (_to_ FOOTMAN _and_ COACHMAN) Bring in the royal diadem to crown his gracious majesty and the royal sceptre, the symbol of his power. FOOTMAN _and_ COACHMAN _exit_ C., _and return with a large crown and a feather duster_. _Gus._ Your majesty, in investing you with these symbols of royalty I feel that I am conferring an unique distinction upon this people by giving them for a ruler a man the like of whom has never before escaped captivity. _Omnes._ Hear! Hear! FOOTMAN _places crown on_ O’ROURKE’S _head, he having been led to the throne and seated thereon by_ GUSSIE, _who takes feather duster from_ COACHMAN _and brushes it across_ O’ROURKE’S _face_. O’ROURKE _sneezes and fumbles in his pocket for a handkerchief_. GUSSIE _takes it from him and wipes his nose for him_. FOOTMAN _and_ COACHMAN _retire to_ C. _O’Rourke._ Begorra, Oi’ve a notion to swipe yez for that, so Oi have. _Gus._ Pardon me, your majesty, but it is one of the privileges of my exalted office to perform all little services of that kind for our king. As I told you, a monarch is never permitted to do anything for himself. There yet remains the Coronation song. CORONATION SONG. _To the tune of “This House is Haunted.”_ _Gus._ I now proclaim you our king, our monarch, And we your vassals true will be; Be gracious to us, do not refuse us, Thou brightest gem of royalty. _Mrs. C._ O! never fear, Gus., he’ll not refuse us, How could you look for that from such as he? _Gus. and Mrs. C._ He’s much too greedy and likewise seedy From such a snap as this to flee. _Chorus._ We now proclaim you our king, our monarch And we your vassals true will be, Be gracious to us, do not refuse us, Thou brightest gem of royalty. _Kitty._ We have a man now lately imported From over the sea, the Emerald Isle; We must not lose him, I will amuse him, Each idle moment I’ll be beguile. _Santa._ Oh never fear, dear, he will remain here, He will not haste to leave us yet a while. _Kitty and Santa._ But if he would go, he could not do so, Becoming an iceberg is not quite his style. (O’ROURKE _falls asleep during the song_ _Santa._ Well I declare, the fellow has actually fallen asleep! (_exit_, FAIRIES, R. U. E. _O’Rourke._ (_starting suddenly_) No Oi’m not asleep naythur. Who said Oi was asleep, eh? (_yawns; starts to raise his hand to his mouth_; GUSSIE _places his own hand over_ O’ROURKE’S _mouth_) By the powers now, Oi’ve a notion to knock a quart of stars out av yez eyes for that. (_sparring_ _Gus._ Your majesty, it is one of the privileges of my office to cover the King’s mouth when he yawns. _O’Rourke._ It is, is it? Well don’t yez do that same any more while Oi am King or Oi’ll have yez hanged by the neck until yez are asphixiated, see? _Kitty._ Poor man! It is very tiresome work, being a King. _O’Rourke._ It is just that Miss Kitty; let me advise yez not to try it. But it will be different when Oi have you for my queen. _Santa._ That can never be! _O’Rourke._ Phwat is that? Git out sir, git out! Oi’ll have you banished to wance. (GUSSIE _goes through pantomime imploring_ SANTA _to be silent_ _Gus._ Would your majesty be pleased to review the Amazons, the defenders of our realm? _O’Rourke._ Oi don’t know what an Amazon is, but Oi’ll be glad to interview anything for a change. _Enter_, FAIRIES _and_ HOLIDAYS, _and execute a fancy march_. _During progress of march_ O’ROURKE _attempts to applaud and take part in, in all of which attempts he is prevented by_ GUSSIE, _who explains in pantomime that it does not become a monarch to do anything of these things. At close of march_, AMAZONS _take positions on_ R. _and_ L. _of stage_. O’ROURKE. Well now girruls, that’s foine. Oi think Oi’ll have yez on guard duty around the throne all the time. Oi’m afraid somebody’ll stale me, so Oi am. (_to_ GUSSIE, _who is talking to_ KITTY) Here sir, come away from that! Get me something to eat. Oi hanker for poy. _Gus._ Your majesty shall have pie in one minute. (_talks to_ KITTY _O’Rourke._ (_astounded_) In wan minute! Ye haythen. Oi am the King and when Oi want poy Oi want poy, and begorra Oi’m going to have it too. O’ROURKE _starts toward_ C., GUSSIE _takes him by the arm and leads him back to throne, and makes sign to_ FOOTMAN _who exits_, C. GUS. Your majesty shall have pie; but this unseemly haste ill befits a monarch. _Enter_, FOOTMAN, C., _with pie on plate_. _O’Rourke._ Ah! that’s a sight to gladden moy eyes, so it is. Bring the noble birrud here. O’ROURKE _starts to leave throne_; FOOTMAN _kneels and presents pie_; GUSSIE _takes it from him and eats it to the consternation of_ O’ROURKE. _Gus._ (_with mouth full of pie_) Your majesty, it is one of the privileges of my exalted office to eat the King’s pie for him, doncherno? (O’ROURKE _grows very angry; leaves the throne and comes down stage_ _O’Rourke._ This is the last ton av coal that broke the camel’s back! Oi have let yez blow moy nose for me, scratch moy head for me and lead me around loike a poodle on the end of a shtring, but Oi will let no cigarette sign av yure soize eat moy poy for me sir! No sir! Not for Venice! Yez can take yer ould kingdom; it’s nawthin but an Oice-house anyway. Oi shall go back to Cork, get on the perlice force and eat a poy-factory ivery day if Oi want to. That’s phwat Oi’ll do. _Santa._ (_aside to_ GUSSIE) Gussie you’re a jewel of the first water. I congratulate you upon the success of your scheme. _O’Rourke._ Kitty, will yez fly wid me? _Kitty._ Unfortunately sir, I cannot fly, though I wish I could, for that seems to be the only way by which we can escape this icy prison. _Santa._ (_to_ GUSSIE) Sir, I denounce you! Your scheme is a failure. My daughter’s mind remains unchanged. She is ready, even now, to fly to the end of the earth with this Hibernian babboon! _Gus._ Your majesty I have done my best; what more could I do. It was a noble plan and worthy the great brain from which it sprang, but success and failures are not far distant and I have fallen just outside the foul-line. _O’Rourke._ Yez is a quare birrud, Mr. Gus. _Santa._ Yez, you have failed. And failed in such a way that the dread calamity which you have endeavored to avert is now nearer than before. What shall I do? What _shall_ I do? Ah, that is the question; whether it were better to wed my daughter to this billy-goat and set at rest, at once, this most vexatious question, or look me further for a son-in-law. Ah! ha! I have a scheme! I’ll ask this man some questions in the presence of my vassals here. An examination I’ll conduct more strict than ever Civil Service knew. (_to_ O’ROURKE) Here sir, I would a word with you. _O’Rourke._ All roight sor, apake out. Don’t be timid in the presence av royalty. _Santa._ As the father of the girl, whose hand you seek in marriage, I claim the privilege of inquiring concerning your antecedents. _O’Rourke._ Av coorse, av coorse. _Santa._ Who was your great-grandfather? _O’Rourke._ A man sor, and an Oirishman at that. He could foight sor loike a dog and drink the craythure loike a fish dhrinking wather. And such a jolly man he was too at a wake. Oi often wonder that the corpse itself didn’t come to loife to take a hand in the fistivities. _Santa._ Your future prespect, sir, what are they? I mean—what shekels are at your command. _O’Rourke._ A dollar and twenty kopecks is all Oi have at prisint, sor, but Oi have a political pull that can be cashed at a moment’s notice. _Santa._ Your health is good of course; your digestion unimpaired? _O’Rourke._ And was yez spaking of moy digestion now? Begorra, jist connect me wid a shquare meal and Oi’ll show yez phwat Oi can do in that same line, so Oi will. _Santa._ Such a foolish act as that would only serve to bankrupt our kingdom. But one more question I would ask; dost ever gamble, drink or smoke? _O’Rourke._ Naythur av the former sor, but on accasions whin Oi would be quite shwell Oi shmoke a cigarette or two. _Santa._ Ah, fiend! Away with him! _Omnes._ Shameful, shameful! A crime deserving death! (AMAZONS _form a circle around_ O’ROURKE _Mrs. C._ (_to_ KITTY) My daughter, see what a fate thy rash infatuation would have consigned thee to. _Kitty._ I’ll save him yet and reform him. That is the mission of a pretty girl; to make at least one man better. _While_ KITTY _is speaking Tableau curtain at back opens and_ ERIN, _the_ GODDESS _of Ireland, appears. She steps majestically to_ C. _of stage_. _Erin._ O’Rourke, thou’rt found at last, I’ve searched for thee both far and wide For many hours past. Why from thine own native land To this place didst thou roam? Come sir, come hence with me, I fain would see thee home. _O’Rourke._ Yes, Oi want to go home, Oi want to go home; take me home—(_stops suddenly_) But what about Kitty? _Erin._ Kitty? What hast thou to do with the child? _O’Rourke._ She is going to be moy woife, ain’t you KITTY, me darlint? Oi was going to make her moy queen, but Oi couldn’t even make a queen of moyself now. _Erin._ Think of the maids of thy native isle, That emerald gem of the sea; Return at once and there we’ll find A fairer bride for thee. With eyes so bright and skin so fair, And voices like the linnet, Those Irish girls they beat the world And Kitty isn’t in it. _Gus._ Well now, that’s clevah, deucedly clevah, doncherno I believe I will emigrate myself. _O’Rourke._ Yes, Oi know about them Oirish girruls; they are foine to be coorse, but they are not moine and Kitty is, and that makes all the difference in the wirruld. _Erin._ O’Rourke, will you go? _O’Rourke._ Kitty, will you go? (KITTY _nods her head in assent_ _O’Rourke._ Oi’ll pack me Saratogy and be wid ye in wan minute. (_exit_, L. U. E., _followed by_ ERIN _Mrs. C._ Kitty, you must not go. Think of your parents left languishing over your loss, living alone and childless in this land of eternal snow. _Santa._ And if you must marry, why not marry Gussie? He is certainly a far handsomer and more suitable husband than this Irishman. _Gus._ Oh! I say now, that’s clevah, deucedly clevah. I am agreeable and leave the matter entirely with Miss Kitty, doncherno. _Kitty._ Bah! A dude lacks five points of being equal to no husband. I’ll marry a _man_ or never wed. (_sadly_) Shall I go or stay? I can divide my love, but not myself, and— _TABLEAU._—_Scene opens at back, showing_ O’ROURKE _dressed as in first act, with grip and cane in hand_. ERIN _tries to lead him away. He stretches one hand imploringly toward_ KITTY, _who moves slowly toward him and extends both her hands, one of which_ O’ROURKE _takes_. MRS. CLAUS _rushes forward and seizes the other and tries to lead her back_. SANTA CLAUS _makes a gesture commanding_ O’ROURKE _to begone_. CURTAIN. THE END. THEATRICAL AND Fancy Costume Wigs. Attention is called to this List of WIGS, BEARDS, MUSTACHES, WHISKERS, &c. We employ a Wig-maker especially to manufacture goods for our trade, and can guarantee satisfaction. All goods made under our personal supervision. In ordering be careful to state every particular, _i. e._, size, color, etc. Any wig for special character or occasion can be made to order. White Old Man $4 50 Iron Gray 4 50 Yankee 4 50 Irish 4 50 Crop, (all colors) 5 50 Fright 4 00 Negro 1 00 " (white old man) 1 50 " (gray old man) 1 50 " (with top knot) 1 50 " (wench) 5 00 Sir Peter Teazle 5 00 Shylock 4 50 Court Wig with Bag 4 50 Court wig with Tie 4 50 Paul Pry 4 50 Dundreary 5 50 Light Dress Wig, with parting 5 50 Rough Irishman 4 00 Flaxen Country Boy 3 50 Physician or Lawyer—white 5 00 Dress Wig with Eyebr’ws & Whisk’rs 5 50 Dress, without parting. 4 00 Duplex; can be worn either as male or female Wig; very convenient; in reality, 2 Wigs in one 6 00 Flow Wigs, long hair, suitable for most Shakesperian characters, Fairy Plays, &c. 5 50 Dress Scalp, with parting 5 00 Scalps 2 75 Gentlemanly Irish, with parting 5 00 Bald Wigs, grey or white, 4 50 Rip Van Winkle 4 50 Grey Dress Wig, with parting, 4 50 White " " " " 4 50 Clowns, in colors, 4 50 Plantaloon, Wig and Beard, 5 00 Robinson Crusœ 4 50 Monk 4 00 Box and Cox, 2 Wigs; each Wig 3 50 Chinaman, with Pigtail, 5 00 Dress Wig, superior, 5 00 Red and Brown bald Wigs 4 50 LADIES Court Wig 6 50 Grand Dutchess 6 50 Lady Teazle 7 00 Marie Antonette 7 50 Mother-in-Law 5 50 Female, plain long hair, so that lady can do up as she wishes, a really fine wig 10 00 Nigger Crape Masks, a substitute for blacking the face 2 00 Ladies’ Wig, blonds, light and dark, brown and black, made up in present fashion 6 00 Comic Old Woman’s Front Piece $2 50 BEARDS, WHISKERS, MUSTACHES, &c. Side Whiskers & Mustache on wire $1 25 Side Whiskers and Mustache on wire, superior 1 50 Side Whiskers, no Mustache, wire 1 00 Side Whiskers and Mustache, gauze 2 00 Side Whiskers and Mustache, on gauze, superior, 2 25 Side Whiskers, without Mustache, on gauze, 1 50 Side Whiskers, without Mustache on gauze, superior, 1 75 Full Beard 1 75 Full Beard, superior, 2 00 Full Beard without Mustache 1 50 Full Beard, no Mustache superior 1 75 Mustache and Chin Beard, combined 2 00 Imperials 30 Full Chin Beard 1 25 Mustaches on wire 35 " " gauze 40 CRAPE HAIR—FOR MAKING FALSE WHISKERS, MUSTACHES, &C. Colors: Black, White, Light Brown, Dark Brown, Iron-grey and Red. Price, per yard 25 Address, THE AMES PUBLISHING CO., LOCK BOX 152 CLYDE, OHIO. ARTICLES NEEDED BY AMATEURS. MAKE YOUR OWN WIGS, BEARDS, MUSTACHES, Etc. PREPARED WOOL IN ALL COLORS. Per oz., 50c. =TABLEAUX LIGHTS.= Our Tableaux Lights are very easily used and are of the best manufacture. Plainest directions accompany each. We have the following colors: Red, Green, Blue, and White. Price each, 25 cents. =COLORED FIRE IN BULK.= Put up in one-half pound packages. Price per pound, $1.75; per half pound, $1.00. =MAGNESIUM TABLEAUX LIGHTS.= A metal capable of being ignited by a common match, and burning with great brilliancy. This is the best light for moonlight and statuary. Price per package, 30 cents: per dozen, $2.50. =LIGHTNING FOR PRIVATE THEATRICALS.= We will send a FLASH BOX and material for this purpose, with full printed directions for their use, to any address, for 50 cents. The effect produced by it will be found all that can be desired. =BLUE.= For unshaven faces. This is very necessary in low comedy characters. Price per box, 25 cents. =PREPARED BURNT CORK.= For Negro minstrels. This article we can recommend, as it can be taken off as easily as put on; in which it differs from most all others manufactured. Enough for 25 performances in each box. Price per box, 40 cents. =COCOA BUTTER.= This article is necessary to every lady or gentleman whether on the stage or in private life, as it smoothes the skin and keeps it from chapping. It is a very handy means of removing the make-up, as a piece of Cocoa Butter passed over the face will loosen all adhesive matter so thoroughly as to admit of being wiped off the face at once and completely. Should be used before making up. Price, 25 cents. =CARMINE.= For the face, and to heighten the effect of Burnt Cork in Negro characters. Price per box, 30 cents. =PREPARED DUTCH PINK.= For pale, sallow, and wan complexions. Price per box, 25 cents. =CHROME.= For sallow complexions, also for lightening the eyebrows, mustaches, etc. Price per box, 25 cents. =EMAIL NOIR.= To stop out teeth for old men characters, witches, etc. Price, 40 cents. =PREPARED FULLER’S EARTH.= To powder the face before “making up.” Price, 30 cents. =JOINING PASTE.= For joining bald fronts of wigs to forehead. Price per stick, 15 cents. =MASCARO, or WATER COSMETIQUE.= For darkening the eyebrows and mustaches, without greasing them, and making them prominent. Brown or black, 60 cents. =MONGOLIAN.= For Indians, Mulattoes, etc. Price per box, 30 cents. =PASTE POWDER.= To enlarge the shape of the nose for low comedy characters, etc. Price per box, 30 cents. =PREPARED NOSE PUTTY.= Used for the same purpose as Paste Powder and used in the same way. Price, 25 cents. =RUDDY ROUGE.= For sunburnt faces. Most essential for low comedy, country or seaman’s character. Price per box, 30 cents. =SPIRIT GUM.= The best in use, prepared expressly for securing mustaches, etc. Price, 25 cents. =SKIN MUSTACHE MASKS.= For hiding the mustache in powder costume pieces, negress characters, etc. Price, 15 cents. =POWDERED ANTIMONY.= For shading the hollows of the eyes. Price per box, 30 cents. =PREPARED WHITING.= For Pantomimes, Clown’s Faces, Statuary, etc. Price per box, 25 cents. CREAM STICK PAINTS. = No. 1=— Very Light Flesh Color. = " 2=—Deeper Tint Flesh Color. = " 3=—Natural Flesh, } = " 4=—Rose Tint, } For Juvenile = " 5=—Deeper Shade, } Heroes. = " 6=—Healthy Sunburnt. = " 7=—Healthy Sunburnt, deeper shade. = " 8=—Sallow, for young men. = " 9=—Healthy Color, for middle age. = " 10=—Sallow, for old age. = " 11=—Ruddy. = " 12=—Olive, healthy. = " 13=—Olive, lighter shade. = " 14=—Gipsy Flesh Color. = " 15=—Othello. = " 16=—Chinese. = " 17=—Indian. = " 18=—East Indian. = " 19=—Jap. Done up in sticks 4 inches in length at 25 cents each; 8-inch sticks, 50 cents. Lining Colors, 4 inches long, at 10 cents each, except Carmine which is 15 cents. A box of Cream Sticks, containing the following colors: Two shades of Flesh, one Black, one Brown, one Lake, one Crimson, one White, one Carmine, and a color for Shading Wrinkles, $1.00. [Illustration] FOUND AT LAST! A Pocket Speller, Dictionary, and Memorandum Book Combined. A Concise Description of Thompson’s Pocket Speller. It gives the right orthography of all words, (over 22,800) in common use, and in nearly every instance their definition. It also gives the right orthography of the given names of men and women, rules for the use of capitals and punctuation marks, abbreviations of names of states and territories, letters of introduction and recommendation, definition of commercial terms, forms of notes, due bills, receipts, letters of credit, orders for money, merchandise and goods stored, principal holidays, marriage anniversaries, combination of shades, and carefully selected laws of etiquette in social and business life, also a silicate slate for memorandums. The Speller is bound in leather and indexed, and is of convenient size to be carried in vest pocket. Reasons why this Speller and Dictionary is the most desirable book of its kind, and some of the many advantages it has over all others. 1. It gives the most complete list of words in common use. 2. It is a Speller, Dictionary, handy companion and memorandum book combined. 3. It is the only book of the kind that can be conveniently carried in the vest pocket, being the regular size of memorandum books made for that purpose. 4. It is the only book of its kind that is indexed. 5. It is the only book of its kind that prints all words pronounced alike but spelled differently, so they can be distinguished at a glance. 6. It is the only book of its kind that gives the right orthography of the given names of men and women. 7. It is the only book of its kind that show where the letter _E_ at the end of a word is to be dropped when adding _ed_ or _ing_. 8. It is the only book of its kind that gives a complete list of the most practical business forms. 9. It is the only book of its kind that gives the laws of etiquette in social and business life; these rules alone are worth the price of Speller. 10. This Speller is bound in two qualities of leather and its price brings it within the reach of all, being 50 cents, bound with American Russia leather, Gilt edge and indexed. Bound with imitation Seal, red edge and not indexed, 25 cents. On receipt of Post Office Order, (for quality desired) the Speller will be prepaid to any address. Ames’ Publishing Co., Lock Box 152, CLYDE, OHIO. Roorbach’s LIST OF NEW PLAYS. Male Female Broken Promises 6 3 Engaged 5 5 Sign of Affection 2 2 Single Life 5 5 Wanderer’s Return 6 4 By Force of Impulse 9 3 Woven Web 7 3 Darkey Wood Dealer 2 1 April Fools 3 0 Old Cronies 2 0 Popping the Question 2 4 Our Boys 6 4 Between Two Fires 8 3 Saved from the Wreck 8 3 Wanted, a Confidential Clerk 6 0 Second Sight 4 1 Under a Cloud 3 2 Imogene, or the Witch’s Secret 8 4 Strife 9 4 Tried and True 8 3 Crawford’s Claim 9 3 Old Plantation Night 4 4 25c. Illustrated Tableaux 25 cents. Theatrical and Tableaux Vivants for Amateurs 25 cents. What Shall We Act 25 cents. A Practical Guide to Private Theatricals 25 cents. Townsend’s Amateur Theatricals 25 cents. Helmer’s Make-Up Book, a practical and systematic treatise on the art of making-up for the stage, with special treatment on the use of Wigs, Beards, etc. the make-up and its requisite material, cuts of the different features and their management, special character masks, etc. With special hints to ladies 25 cents. AMES PUBLISHING CO., _Lock Box 152. CLYDE, OHIO._ Every Amateur wants a copy, and should order at once. HINTS TO AMATEURS, BY A. D. AMES. A book of useful information for Amateurs and others, written expressly for those who are giving public entertainments—and who wish to make their efforts successful—containing much information never before given. Mr. Ames has had many years experience, and in this work gives many hints which cannot fail to be of great benefit to all. Do you wish to know How to act? Do you wish to know How to make up? Do you wish to know How to make fuses? Do you wish to know How to be prompted? Do you wish to know How to imitate clouds? Do you wish to know How to imitate waves? Do you wish to know How to make thunder? Do you wish to know How to produce snow? Do you wish to know How to articulate? Do you wish to know How to make lightning? Do you wish to know How to produce a crash? Do you wish to know How to make a wind-storm? Do you wish to know How to be successful on the stage? Do you wish to know The effects of the drama on the mind? Do you wish to know How to assign parts successfully? Do you wish to know The duties of the property man? Do you wish to know How to arrange music for plays? Do you wish to know Many hints about the stage? Do you wish to know How to form a dramatic club? Do you wish to know The duty of the prompter? Do you wish to know How to conduct rehearsals? Do you wish to know The best method for studying? Do you wish to know How to make a stage laugh? Do you wish to know How to burn a colored fire? Do you wish to know How to make a rain storm? Do you wish to know A short history of the drama? Do you wish to know All about scene painting? Do you wish to know Macready’s method for acting? If you wish to know the above, read Hints to Amateurs, it will be sent you for 15 cents per copy. THE New York Book Ag’t; OR, THE MISER’S GOLD. _A Drama in Four Acts by D. H. Moore, Jr. Time 1 hour 7 male, 3 female characters. Costumes modern. Scenery simple._ A good villain, two old men, country boy, Dan, the halfwit, two fine Irish parts for Biddy and Pat, leading lady and old woman, detective in search of a criminal, who at last is captured after robbing and killing the Miser, who is his own father. Price 15 Cents. LOCKED In a Dress-maker’s Room; OR, Mr. Bob Holiday’s Flirtation. _A Farce in One Act, by Willard Guepner. 3 male, 2 female characters. Time 20 minutes._ Very good afterpiece in which the characters are all good. Mr. Holiday, a banker, is in love with Mrs. Stone; Miss Prim, the dress-maker, in whose rooms the flirtation is carried on; Mr. Stone becomes jealous and goes in search of his wife; Mr. Holiday cannot escape and is transformed into an ancient maiden—Tableau. Price 15 Cents. THE THREE HATS. A Comedy _IN THREE ACTS, BY_ ALFRED HENNEQUIN, _Translated and adapted from the French_ BY NEWTON CHISNELL. This Comedy is written for 4 male and 3 female characters. SYNOPSIS. M. Adolphe Trimadart, who on a visit to London saves the life of M. Dupraillon at a fire, for which Dupraillon is very grateful and takes Adolphe to his home in Paris—Adolphe falls in love with a young lady at a glove store unknown to Dupraillon—During Mrs. Dupraillon’s absence from the city Dupraillon accidently meets a lady—a supper at Clerbois’—an accident as he leaves the house causes him to stumble against some gentlemen whose hats are knocked off; during the scuffle the cry of “police” is heard, and he picks up, as he supposes, his own hat, but on arriving at home he discovers he has a hat with M. Durand’s card, while his hat has his own card in—His wife returns and he is afraid she will discover his adventure and supper at Clerbois’ with the lady. The three hats cause a great deal of trouble as well as amusement, as the owners, as well as others, get mixed up in the misunderstanding caused by the exchanging of hats. Price 15 Cents. Hallabahoola, Medicine Man. _An Original Farce in one scene, by Bert Richards, author of “The Colored Senators,” “Fooling with the Wrong Man,” “Cupid’s Capers,” “The Spellin’ Skew,” etc. for 4 male and 3 female characters. The situations in this piece are extremely ludicrous; Costumes to suit characters; Time of performance 40 minutes._ _Price 15 Cents._ The Irish Squire, of Squash Ridge. _A Farce in two scenes, by J. E. Crary, author of “The Old Wayside Inn,” “Alma, or United at Last,” etc., for 4 male and 2 female characters. This farce is very funny and will be sure to please. Costumes modern and the time of performance is 40 minutes. Price 15 Cents._ AMES’ PLAYS—CONTINUED. NO. M. F. Comedies Continued. 237 Not Such a Fool as He Looks 6 3 126 Our Daughters 8 6 265 Pug and the Baby 5 3 114 Passions 8 4 264 Prof. James’ Experience Teaching Country School 4 3 219 Rags and Bottles 4 1 239 Scale with Sharps and Flats 3 2 221 Solon Shingle 14 2 262 Two Bad Boys 7 3 87 The Biter Bit 3 2 131 The Cigarette 4 2 240 $2,000 Reward 2 0 TRAGEDIES. 16 The Serf 6 3 FARCES & COMEDIETTAS. 129 Aar-u-ag-oos 2 1 132 Actor and Servant 1 1 289 A Colonel’s Mishap 5 0 12 A Capital Match 3 2 303 A Kiss in the Dark 2 3 166 A Texan Mother-in Law 4 6 30 A Day Well Spent 7 5 169 A Regular Fix 2 4 286 A Professional Gardener 4 2 80 Alarmingly Suspicious 4 3 78 An Awful Criminal 3 3 31 A Pet of the Public 4 2 21 A Romantic Attachment 3 3 123 A Thrilling Item 3 1 20 A Ticket of Leave 3 2 175 Betsey Baker 2 2 8 Better Half 5 2 86 Black vs. White 4 2 22 Captain Smith 3 3 84 Cheek Will Win 3 0 287 Cousin-Josiah 1 1 225 Cupids Capers 4 4 249 Double Election 9 1 49 Der Two Surprises 1 1 72 Deuce is in Him 5 1 19 Did I Dream it 4 3 42 Domestic Felicity 1 1 188 Dutch Prize Fighter 3 0 220 Dutchy vs. Nigger 3 0 148 Eh? What Did You Say 3 1 218 Everybody Astonished 4 0 224 Fooling with the Wrong Man 2 1 233 Freezing a Mother-in-Law 2 1 154 Fun in a Post Office 4 2 184 Family Discipline 0 1 274 Family Jars 5 2 209 Goose with the Golden Eggs 5 3 13 Give Me My Wife 3 3 307 Hallabahoola, the Medicine Man 4 3 66 Hans, the Dutch J. P. 3 1 271 Hans Brummel’s Cafe 5 0 116 Hash 4 2 120 H. M. S. Plum 1 1 50 How She has Own Way 1 3 140 How He Popped the Quest’n. 1 1 74 How to Tame M-in-Law 4 2 35 How Stout Your Getting 5 2 247 Incompatibility of Temper 1 2 95 In the Wrong Clothes 5 3 305 Jacob Shlaff’s Mistake 3 2 299 Jimmie Jones 3 2 11 John Smith 5 3 99 Jumbo Jum 4 3 82 Killing Time 1 1 182 Kittie’s Wedding Cake 1 3 127 Lick Skillet Wedding 2 2 228 Lauderbach’s Little Surprise 3 0 302 Locked in a Dress-maker’s Room 3 2 106 Lodgings for Two 3 0 288 Love in all Corners 5 3 139 Matrimonial Bliss 1 1 231 Match for a Mother-in-Law 2 2 235 More Blunders than one 4 3 69 Mother’s Fool 6 1 23 My Heart’s in Highlands 4 3 208 My Precious Betsey 4 4 212 My Turn Next 4 3 32 My Wife’s Relations 4 4 186 My Day and Now-a-Days 0 1 273 My Neighbor’s Wife 3 3 296 Nanka’s Leap Year Venture 5 2 259 Nobody’s Moke 5 2 44 Obedience 1 2 33 On the Sly 3 2 57 Paddy Miles’ Boy 5 2 217 Patent Washing Machine 4 1 165 Persecuted Dutchman 6 3 195 Poor Pilicody 2 3 159 Quiet Family 4 4 171 Rough Diamond 4 3 180 Ripples 2 0 267 Room 44 2 0 48 Schnaps 1 1 138 Sewing Circle of Period 0 5 115 S. H. A. M. Pinafore 3 3 55 Somebody’s Nobody 3 2 232 Stage Struck Yankee 4 2 241 Struck by Lightning 2 2 270 Slick and Skinner 5 0 1 Slasher and Crasher 5 2 137 Taking the Census 1 1 252 That Awful Carpet Bag 3 3 40 That Mysterious B’dle 2 2 38 The Bewitched Closet 5 2 101 The Coining Man 3 1 167 Turn Him Out 3 2 291 The Actor’s Scheme 4 4 308 The Irish Squire of Squash Ridge 4 2 285 The Mashers Mashed 5 2 68 The Sham Professor 4 0 295 The Spellin’ Skewl 7 6 54 The Two T. J’s 4 2 28 Thirty-three Next Birthday 4 2 292 Tim Flannigan 5 0 142 Tit for Tat 2 1 276 The Printer and His Devils 3 1 263 Trials of a Country Editor 6 2 7 The Wonderful Telephone 3 1 281 Two Aunt Emily 0 8 269 Unjust Justice 6 2 170 U. S. Mail 2 2 213 Vermont Wool Dealer 5 3 151 Wanted a Husband 2 1 70 Which will he Marry 2 8 135 Widower’s Trials 4 5 147 Waking Him To 1 2 155 Why they Joined the Rebeccas 0 4 111 Yankee Duelist 3 1 157 Yankee Peddler 7 3 ETHIOPIAN FARCES. 204 Academy of Stars 6 0 65 An Unwelcome Return 3 1 15 An Unhappy Pair 1 1 172 Black Shoemaker 4 2 98 Black Statue 4 2 222 Colored Senators 3 0 214 Chops 3 0 145 Cuff’s Luck 2 1 190 Crimps Trip 5 0 27 Fetter Lane to Gravesend 2 0 230 Hamlet the Dainty 6 1 153 Haunted House 2 0 103 How Sister Paxey got her Child Baptized 2 1 24 Handy Andy 2 0 230 Hypochondriac, The 2 0 47 In the Wrong Box 3 0 77 Joe’s Visit 2 1 88 Mischievous Nigger 4 2 256 Midnight Colic 2 1 128 Musical Darkey 2 0 90 No Cure No Pay 3 1 61 Not as Deaf as He Seems 3 0 244 Old Clothes 3 0 234 Old Dad’s Cabin 2 1 150 Old Pompey 1 1 210 Othello 4 1 109 Other People’s Children 3 2 297 Pomp Green’s Snakes 2 0 134 Pomp’s Pranks 2 0 258 Prof. Bones’ Latest Invention 5 0 177 Quarrelsome Servants 3 0 96 Rooms to Let 2 1 107 School 5 0 133 Seeing Bosting 3 0 179 Sham Doctor 3 3 94 16,000 Years Ago 3 0 243 Sports on a Lark 3 0 25 Sport with a Sportsman 2 0 92 Stage Struck Darkey 2 1 238 Strawberry Shortcake 2 0 10 Stocks Up, Stocks Down 2 0 64 That Boy Sam 3 1 233 The Best Cure 4 1 282 The Intelligence Office 3 0 122 The Select School 5 0 118 The Popcorn Man 3 1 6 The Studio 3 0 108 Those Awful Boys 5 0 245 Ticket Taker 3 0 4 Twain’s Dodging 3 1 197 Tricks 5 2 198 Uncle Jeff 5 2 216 Vice Versa 3 1 206 Villkens and Dinah 4 1 210 Virginia Mummy 0 1 203 Who Stole the Chickens 1 1 205 William Tell 4 0 156 Wig-Maker and His Servants 3 0 GUIDE BOOKS. 17 Hints on Elocution 130 Hints to Amateurs CANTATA. 215 On to Victory 4 6 TABLEAUX. 250 Festival of Days PANTOMIME. 260 Cousin John’s Album MAKE YOUR OWN WIGS! PREPARED WOOL! _PREPARED WOOL IS AN ARTICLE THAT EVERYONE, WITHOUT ANY EXPERIENCE CAN MAKE INTO_ WIGS! BEARDS! MUSTACHES! ETC. _AT VERY LITTLE COST, AND WILL BE SURE TO GIVE SATISFACTION._ PRICE 50 CENTS PER OUNCE. _Address, THE AMES PUBLISHING CO._, _Lock Box 152, CLYDE, OHIO_. Transcriber's Notes: Underscores "_" before and after a word or phrase indicate _italics_ in the original text. Equal signs "=" before and after a word or phrase indicate =bold= in the original text. Small capitals have been converted to SOLID capitals. Old or antiquated spellings have been preserved. Typographical errors have been silently corrected but other variations in spelling and punctuation remain unaltered. The heading "ACT II" after "END OF ACT I" was added by the transcriber for the sake of clarity and consistency. End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Santa Claus' Daughter, by Everett Elliott and F. W. 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