The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 107, August 11, 1894, by Various This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 107, August 11, 1894 Author: Various Release Date: April 15, 2013 [EBook #42546] Language: English Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 *** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** Produced by Paul Marshall, Malcolm Farmer and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net
And now the climax comes not with tongue-lolling sheep-fleece wolves, ears on top remorselessly pricked for slaughter of the bleating imitated lamb, here a fang pointing to nethermost pit not of stomach but of Acheron, tail waving in derision of wool-bearers whom the double-rowed desiring mouth soon shall grip, food for mamma-wolf and baby-wolf, papa-wolf looking on, licking chaps expectant of what shall remain; and up goes the clamour of flocks over the country-side, and up goes howling of shepherds shamefully tricked by Ęsop-fable artifice or doggish dereliction of primary duty; for a watch has been set through which the wolf-enemy broke paws on the prowl; and the King feels this, and the Government, a slab-faced jubber-mubber of contending punies, party-voters to the front, conscience lagging how far behind no man can tell, and the country forgotten, a lout dragging his chaw-bacon hobnails like a flask-fed snail housed safely, he thinks, in unbreakable shell soon to be broken, and no man's fault, while the slow country sinks to the enemy, ships bursting, guns jammed, and a dull shadow of defeat on a war-office drifting to the tide-way of unimagined back-stops on a lumpy cricket-field of national interests. But this was a climax revealed to the world. The Earl was deaf to it. Lady Charlotte dumbed it surprisingly. Change the spelling, put a for u and n for b in the dumbed, and you have the way Morsfield mouthed it, and Matey swimming with Browny full in the Harwich tide; head under heels up down they go in Old Ocean, a glutton of such embraces, lapping softly on a pair of white ducks tar-stained that very morning and no mistake.
"I have you fast!" cried Matey.
"Two and two's four," said Browny. She slipped. "Are four," corrected he, a tutor at all times, boys and girls taken in and done for, and no change given at the turnstiles.
"Catch as catch can," was her next word. Plop went a wave full in the rosy mouth. "Where's the catch of this?" stuttered the man.
"A pun, a pun!" bellowed the lady. "But not by four-in-hand from London."
She had him there. He smiled a blue acquiescence. So they landed, and the die was cast, ducks changed, and the goose-pair braving it in dry clothes by the kitchen fire. There was nothing else to be done; for the answer confessed to a dislike of immersions two at a time, and the hair clammy with salt like cottage-bacon on a breakfast-table.
Lord Ormont sat with the jewels seized from the debating, unbeaten sister's grasp.
"She is at Marlow," he opined.
"Was," put in Lady Charlotte.
The answer blew him for memory.
"Morsfield's dead," his lordship ventured; "jobbed by a foil with button off."
"And a good job too."
Lady Charlotte was ever on the crest-wave of the moment's humour. He snicked a back-stroke to the limits, shaking the sparse hair of repentance to the wind of her jest. But the unabashed one continued.
"I'll not call on her."
"You shall," said he.
"Shan't," was her lightning-parry.
"You shall," he persisted.
"Never. Her head is a water-flower that speaks at ease in the open sea. How call on a woman with a head like that?"
The shock struck him fair and square.
"We wait," he said, and the conflict closed with advantage to the petticoat.
A footman bore a letter. His step was of the footman order, calves stuffed to a longed-for bulbousness, food for donkeys if any such should chance: he presented it.
"I wait," he murmured.
"Whence and whither comes it?"
"Postmark may tell."
"Best open it," said the cavalry general, ever on the dash for open country where squadrons may deploy right shoulders up, serre-files in rear, and a hideous clatter of serjeant-majors spread over all. He opened it. It was Aminta's letter. She announced a French leave-taking. The footman still stood. Lord Ormont broke the silence.
"Go and be——" the words quivered into completion, supply the blank who will.
But her punishment was certain. For it must be thus. Never a lady left her wedded husband, but she must needs find herself weighted with charge of his grand-nephew. Cuckoo-tutor sits in General's nest, General's wife to bear him company, and lo! the General brings a grand-nephew to the supplanter, convinced of nobility beyond petty conventions of divorce-court rigmarole. So the world wags wilful to the offshoot, lawn-mowers grating, grass flying, and perspiring gardener slow in his shirt-sleeves primed with hope of beer that shall line his lean ribs at supper-time, nine o'clock is it, or eight—parishes vary, and a wife at home has rules. A year later he wrote—
"Sir,—Another novel is on hand. Likely you will purchase. Readers gape for it. Better than acrostics, they say, fit for fifty puzzle-pages. What price?
(From a Yorkshire Moor.)
Sportsman (awaiting the morrow, and meeting Keeper as he strolls round).
"Well, Rodgers, things look fairly hopeful for Tomorrow, eh?"
Rodgers (strong Tory). "Well, Sir, midlin', pretty midlin'. But, oh
dear, it's awk'ard this 'ere Twelfth bein' fixed of a Sunday!"
(With much wisdom.) "Now, might Mr. Gladstone ha' had hanything
to do wi' that arrangement, Sir?"
Step One.—The nation takes to learning the English language.
Step Two.—Having learned the English language, the nation begins to read British newspapers.
Step Three.—Having mastered the meaning of the leaders, the nation start a Parliament.
Step Four.—Having got a Parliament, the nation establishes school boards, railways, stockbrokers, and penny ices.
Step Five.—Having become fairly civilised, the nation takes up art and commerce.
Step Six.—Having realised considerable wealth, the nation purchases any amount of ironclads, heavy ordnance, and ammunition.
Step Seven.—Having the means within reach, the nation indulges in a terrific war.
Step Eight and Last.—Having lost everything, the nation returns with a sigh of relief to old-fashioned barbarism.
The Employment of Good-looking and Attractive Young Men in clearing the Letter-Boxes undoubtedly results in frequent Detention of the Mails.
Pope for the Emancipated Sex.—"The understudy of mankind is woman."
Scene IX.—The Entrance Hall at Wyvern.
"What name, if you please, Sir?"
Tredwell (to Lady Cantire). This way, if you please, my lady. Her ladyship is in the Hamber Boudwore.
Lady Cantire. Wait. (She looks round.) What has become of that young Mr. Androm——? (Perceiving Spurrell, who has been modestly endeavouring to efface himself.) Ah, there he is! Now, come along, and be presented to my sister-in-law. She'll be enchanted to know you!
Spurrell. But indeed, my lady I—I think I'd better wait till she sends for me.
Lady Cant. Wait? Fiddlesticks! What! A famous young man like you! Remember Andromeda, and don't make yourself so ridiculous!
Spurr. (miserably). Well, Lady Cantire, if her ladyship says anything, I hope you'll bear me out that it wasn't——
Lady Cant. Bear you out? My good young man, you seem to need somebody to bear you in! Come, you are under My wing. I answer for your welcome—so do as you're told.
Spurr. (to himself, as he follows resignedly). It's my belief there'll be a jolly row when I do go in; but it's not my fault!
Tred. (opening the door of the Amber Boudoir), Lady Cantire and Lady Maisie Mull. (To Spurrell.) What name, if you please, Sir?
Spurr. (dolefully). You can say "James Spurrell" —you needn't bellow it, you know!
Tred. (ignoring this suggestion). Mr. James Spurrell.
Spurr. (to himself, on the threshold). If I don't get the chuck for this, I shall be surprised, that's all!
Scene X.—In a Fly.
Undershell (to himself). Alone with a lovely girl, who has no suspicion, as yet, that I am the poet whose songs have thrilled her with admiration! Could any situation be more romantic? I think I must keep up this little mystification as long as possible.
Phillipson (to herself). I wonder who he is. Somebody's Man, I suppose. I do believe he's struck with me. Well, I've no objection. I don't see why I shouldn't forget Jim now and then—he's quite forgotten me! (Aloud.) They might have sent a decent carriage for us instead of this ramshackle old summerhouse. We shall be hours getting to the house at this rate!
Und. (gallantly). For my part, I care not how long we may be. I feel so unspeakably content to be where I am.
Phill. (disdainfully). In this mouldy, lumbering old concern? You must be rather easily contented, then!
Und. (dreamily). It travels only too swiftly. To me it is a veritable enchanted car, drawn by a magic steed.
Phill. I don't know whether he's magic—but I'm sure he's lame. And I shouldn't call stuffiness enchantment myself.
Und. I'm not prepared to deny the stuffiness. But cannot you guess what has transformed this vehicle for me—in spite of its undeniable shortcomings—or must I speak more plainly still?
Phill. Well, considering the shortness of our acquaintance, I must say you've spoken quite plainly enough as it is!
Und. I know I must seem unduly expansive, and wanting in reserve; and yet that is not my true disposition. In general, I feel an almost fastidious shrinking from strangers——
Phill. (with a little laugh). Really, I shouldn't have thought it!
Und. Because, in the present case, I do not—I cannot—feel as if we were strangers. Some mysterious instinct led me, almost from the first, to associate you with a certain Miss Maisie Mull.
Phill. Well, I wonder how you discovered that. Though you shouldn't have said "Miss"—Lady Maisie Mull is the name.
Und. (to himself). Lady Maisie Mull! I attach no meaning to titles—and yet nothing but rank could confer such perfect ease and distinction. (Aloud.) I should have said Lady Maisie Mull, undoubtedly—forgive my ignorance. But at least I have divined you. Does nothing tell you who and what I may be?
Phill. Oh, I think I can give a tolerable guess at what you are.
Und. You recognise the stamp of the Muse upon me, then?
Phill. Well, I shouldn't have taken you for a groom exactly.
Und. (with some chagrin). You are really too flattering!
Phill. Am I? Then it's your turn now. You might say you'd never have taken me for a lady's maid!
Und. I might—if I had any desire to make an unnecessary and insulting remark.
Phill. Insulting? Why, it's what I am! I'm maid to Lady Maisie. I thought your mysterious instinct told you all about it?
Und. (to himself—after the first shock). A lady's maid! Gracious Heaven! What have I been saying—or rather, what haven't I? (Aloud.) To—to be sure it did. Of course, I quite understand that. (To himself). Oh, confound it all, I wish we were at Wyvern!
Phill. And, after all, you've never told me who you are. Who are you?
Und. (to himself). I must not humiliate this poor girl! (Aloud.) I? Oh—a very insignificant person, I assure you! (To himself.) This is an occasion in which deception is pardonable—even justifiable!
Phill. Oh, I knew that. But you let out just now you had to do with a Mews. You aren't a rough-rider, are you?
Und. N—not exactly—not a rough-rider. (To himself.) Never on a horse in my life!—unless I count my Pegasus. (Aloud.) But you are right in supposing I am connected with a muse—in one sense.
Phill. I said so, didn't I? Don't you think it was rather clever of me to spot you, when you're not a bit horsey-looking?
Und. (with elaborate irony). Accept my compliments on a power of penetration which is simply phenomenal!
Phill. (giving him a little push). Oh, go along—it's all talk with you—I don't believe you mean a word you say!
Und. (to himself). She's becoming absolutely vulgar. (Aloud.) I don't—I don't; it's a manner I have; you mustn't attach any importance to it—none whatever!
Phill. What! Not to all those high-flown compliments? Do you mean to tell me you're only a gay deceiver, then?
Und. (in horror). Not a deceiver, no; and decidedly not gay. I mean I did mean the compliments, of course. (To himself.) I mustn't let her suspect anything, or she'll get talking about it; it would be too horrible if this were to get round to Lady Maisie or the Culverins—so undignified; and it would ruin all my prestige! Ive only to go on playing a part for a few minutes, and—maid or not—she's a most engaging girl!
Scene XI.—The Back Entrance at Wyvern. The Fly has just set down Phillipson and Undershell.
Tredwell (receiving Phillipson). Lady Maisie's maid, I presume? I'm the butler here—Mr. Tredwell. Your ladies arrived some time back. I'll take you to the housekeeper, who'll show you their rooms, and where yours is, and I hope you'll find everything comfortable. (In an undertone, indicating Undershell, who is awaiting recognition in the doorway.) Do you happen to know who it is with you?
Phillipson (in a whisper). I can't quite make him out he's so flighty in his talk. But he says he belongs to some Mews or other.
Tred. Oh, then I know who he is. We expect him right enough. He's a partner in a crack firm of Vets. We've sent for him special. I'd better see to him, if you don't mind finding your own way to the Housekeeper's Room, second door to the left, down that corridor. (Phillipson departs.) Good morning to you, Mr.—ah—Mr.——?
Undershell (coming forward). Mr. Undershell. Lady Culverin expects me, I believe.
Tred. Quite correct, Mr. Undershell, Sir. She do. Leastwise, I shouldn't say myself she'd require to see you—well, not before to-morrow morning—but you won't mind that, I daresay.
Und. (choking). Not mind that! Take me to her at once!
Tred. Couldn't take it on myself, Sir, really. There's no particular 'urry. I'll let her ladyship know you're 'ere; and if she wants you, she'll send for you; but, with a party staying in the [Pg 65] 'ouse, and others dining with us to-night, it ain't likely as she'll have time for you till to-morrow.
Und. Oh then, whenever her ladyship should find leisure to recollect my existence, will you have the goodness to inform her that I have taken the liberty of returning to town by the next train?
Tred. Lor! Mr. Undershell, you aren't so pressed as all that, are you? I know my lady wouldn't like you to go without seeing you personally; no more wouldn't Sir Rupert. And I understood you was coming down for the Sunday!
Und. (furious). So did I—but not to be treated like this!
Tred. (soothingly). Why, you know what ladies are. And you couldn't see Deerfoot—not properly, to-night, either.
Und. I have seen enough of this place already. I intend to go back by the next train, I tell you.
Tred. But there ain't any next train up to-night—being a loop line—not to mention that I've sent the fly away, and they can't spare no one at the stables to drive you in. Come Sir, make the best of it. I've had my horders to see that you're made comfortable, and Mrs. Pomfret and me will expect the pleasure of your company at supper in the 'ousekeeper's room, 9.30 sharp. I'll send the Steward's Room Boy to show you to your room.
Und. (almost foaming). The insolence of these cursed aristocrats! Lady Culverin will see me when she has time, forsooth! I am to be entertained in the servants' hall! This is how our upper classes honour poetry! I won't stay a single hour under their infernal roof. I'll walk. But where to? And how about my luggage?
Phill. Mr. Tredwell says you want to go already! It can't be true! Without even waiting for supper?
Und. (gloomily). Why should I wait for supper in this house?
Phill. Well, I shall be there; I don't know if that's any inducement.
Und. (to himself). She is a singularly bewitching creature; and I'm starving. Why shouldn't I stay—if only to shame these Culverins? It will be an experience—a study in life. I can always go afterwards. I will stay. (Aloud.) You little know the sacrifice you ask of me, but enough; I give way. We shall meet—(with a gulp)—in the housekeeper's room!
Phill. (highly amused). You are a comical little man. You'll be the death of me if you go on like that!
Und. (alone). I feel disposed to be the death of somebody! Oh, Lady Maisie Mull, to what a bathos have you lured your poet by your artless flattery—a banquet with your aunt's butler!
Mamma (to Johnny, who has been given a Pear with Pills artfully
concealed in it).
"Well, dear, have you finished your Pear?"
Johnny. "Yes, Mamma, all but the Seeds!"
"There are, methinks," quoth the Baron, "two or three novels—one certainly I can call to mind—wherein the interior domestic life of Jews strict in the observance of their ancient and most touching religious rites and ceremonies is more amply, as well as more minutely, described than in Mr. Farjeon's Aaron the Jew, which, be it my pleasing duty to testify, is one of the best of this prolific author's works; a simple, touching story, the interest being well kept up, as of course the "interest" should be when dealing with the true history of one who commenced as a pawnbroker." As to the rites above mentioned, no special or intimate personal experience is shown to be possessed by the author, who could very easily have obtained his materials from an interesting work entitled, as I fancy, The Jew at Home, which has, the Baron regrets to say, disappeared from its shelf in the Baron's library. Aaron is lively, is gay, is witty, a "Jew d'esprit," and, like Mr. Peter Magnus, he amuses a small circle of intimate friends; but his story, and that of his sweet wife Rachel, as related by Mr. Farjeon, will increase this friendly circle to a very considerable extent. The Baron ventures to think that a good deal of the dialogue and of the descriptive writing is unnecessary,—but Mr. Farjeon likes to give everyone plenty for their money,—and, further, that the story would have gained by the loss of what would have reduced the three volumes to two. But altogether, the novel is "recommended" by the interested but disinterested
By a Hard-up Journalist.
[A strange light has appeared on that part of the surface of Mars not illuminated by the sun. The Westminster Gazette of August 2 asks the question, "Is Mars signalling to us?"]
Distinguished Visitors to Bournemouth.—The Royal Bath Hotel announces "Private Suites." Is "General Bitters" there also?
Educational Motto. (For Mr. Acland's use.)—"A place for every child, and every child in its place."
He. "Oh, you're from America, are you? People often say
to me, 'Don't you dislike Americans?' But I always say 'I believe there
are some very nice ones among them.'"
She. "Ah, I dare say there may be Two or Three nice
People amongst Sixty Millions!"
["He (Sir William Harcourt) confessed that he was not enamoured of these exceptional measures, and he resorted to them with extreme regret. But if he were asked for a justification of this motion, he would refer hon. gentlemen to the Order Book of the House of Commons."]
II.—The Links of Love.
Little Girl (of inquiring mind, to Stud Groom, looking at a Mare
in field with Foal). "How old is that little Horse?"
Stud Groom. "Well, Missy, he's only Five Days old."
Little Girl (to her Governess). "Oh, Nana, did I
run about the Fields when I was Five Days old?"
Sunday.—How exhausting is London life! Up late, night and morning. Club. See summer number of illustrated paper. Pictures of pretty girls, reclining in punts, hammocks, or deck-chairs, doing nothing, men helping them. True holiday for jaded Londoner. Perhaps better without pretty girls. Even more reposeful. Must get right away. Secluded place. No pretty girls. That tiny inn Jones told me about. Miles from everywhere.
Monday.—At Tiny Inn. Fine afternoon. Feel quite happy. With summer clothes, summer numbers, flannels, straw hat, and other suitable things. Seven miles from station. Beautifully clean. Perfectly quiet. Weather changing. Raining. Landlord says, "Soon over." Eggs and bacon for supper. To bed early.
Tuesday.—Wake at five. Up at six to enjoy morning air. Eggs and bacon for breakfast. Still raining. Landlord says, "Very remarkable, since in this place it never rains." Somehow the clouds always pass over neighbouring village, following the course of the river, the ridge of the hills, or something. Have noticed in all country places that the clouds always do this, except when I am there. Impossible to lounge under a tree in this rain. Stop indoors, smoke, and read summer numbers. Eggs and bacon for lunch. Rain going on steadily. Put on flannels, go out. Drenched. Eggs and bacon for dinner. Landlord says they hope to give me some meat to-morrow. Butcher calls once a week apparently. Wet evening. Somewhat tired of sitting on horsehair sofa with damaged springs. Know all the summer numbers by heart. To bed at ten.
Wednesday.—Wake at four. Toss about till six. Then up. Still raining. Breakfast,—eggs and bacon. Landlord says if I cross two fields I shall find the river and a punt. Thanks. Will wait till rain stops. He says it is sure to stop soon. Ask him if one can get a London paper. Says they sometimes have one at the stationer's, four miles off, but generally only when ordered. Lends me a local paper of last week. Reduced to summer numbers again. Begin to wish there were some pretty girls here, after all. They might enliven things. After lunch,—of eggs and bacon,—resolve to go out. Ask landlord where one can go. Don't like to ask "if any girls about anywhere?" Accidentally landlord does happen to mention Farmer Muggeridge's daughters. I pretend indifference, but inquire as to direction of Muggeridge's farm. Lose my way. Wander helplessly. Steady downpour. Return, drenched. Butcher has not been. Eggs and bacon for dinner. Smoke, and read advertisements—plenty of them—in summer numbers. To bed at nine.
Thursday.—Wake at three. Toss about till seven. Then breakfast—usual dish. Rain, not quite so heavy. With fuller directions as to road, start hopefully for Muggeridge's farm. Arrive there. Heavy rain again. Muggeridge loafing about. Country people always loaf about in rain. They seem to enjoy it. Chat with him. He asks me in to have some cider. Accept. Chance of seeing charming daughters. They enter! Now!... Oh! awful!... Cider acid. Obliged to drink it. Hurry back. Lunch. Usual dish. Still raining. Call in landlord, and ask eagerly about trains to London. The next is to-morrow morning, at 8.20. Give way to despair. Refuse eggs and bacon for dinner. Bed eight.
Friday.—Leave in landlord's cart at seven, after usual breakfast. Still raining steadily. Gave landlord all those summer numbers to amuse future weather-bound visitors with imaginary pictures of rural happiness. London once more! Hurrah! Dinner—not eggs and bacon. Theatre. Smoke at club. Avoid Jones. Tell Smith I know the sweetest place for country peace and seclusion. He writes down the address eagerly. Those summer numbers will amuse him. To bed—any time!
At the Window.—Judging from the tone of James Payn's delightful Note-Book this week, one fears that charming and cheery gossiper has been "laid up," has been compelled to take his "Notes" from a sick-couch at a window—has, in fact, for the time, become a window-Payn! Well, a window is no bad coign of vantage for an observant penman. "The World from a Window" would make an excellent book, and James Payn would be the very man to write it. Let Mr. Payn think of it. Mr. Punch's present purpose, however, is to wish his good friend and favourite writer speedy emancipation from the bonds of sickness and compulsory window-watching.
The Naval Manœuvres afforded much pleasurable Excitement to those concerned!
"Rusticus," who is clearly "Rusticus Expectans," wasmoved to write to the Chronicle on July 31st, to say that,though not a rich man, he lives in a pretty Surrey village within an eightpenny return railway fare of the City; and has a fairly large and quiet garden, with field, &c. "The trees are all at their finest," he proceeds, "the flowers looking very gay and walking in the garden." Capital fun this, when flowers actually walk about. But no! it's "walking in the garden to-day the thought came to me," so it's a walking thought, comparable, doubtless, to a running commentary. Anyhow. "Rusticus" is moved—by the thought of a "tired working-man or band of City workers" who would find in his garden pleasure on a quiet Saturday afternoon—to make an offer. Here are his words:—
"I am a bachelor, therefore I say, men, you are welcome to my very simple hospitality if it is of any use to you. I can do with a limited number every or any Saturday. Any creed or class is welcome. All I stipulate for is honest souls. Come and smoke and talk under the trees and spend a quiet time away from the town. I simply condition—no publicity or fuss, the giving and acceptance of the invitation quietly, honestly, brother to brother. Would you, Sir, forward any letters on to me?"
This is of course an example which will be followed, and Mr. Punch has already had the following letter (amongst others), which he now prints with pleasure.
Sir,—Owing to the Death Duties, I am no longer a rich man, but I have a little house in Piccadilly, not more than a twopenny 'bus ride from Charing Cross. It has occurred to me that some hungry working-man might like to drop in to a quiet little dinner some night. I am a Duke, therefore I say, comrades in depression, you are welcome to my roof, if it's of any use to you. I can dine a hundred or so of you any or every night. All I stipulate for is that there shall be no speaking, for speaking bores me horribly.
Jones. "Well, my little Man, what are you thinking about?"
London Boy (who has never been out of Whitechapel before). "I'm thinkin'
it's time yer Mother put yer into Trousers!"
Scene—A Ball Room at the Mansion House.
He. (resting). Good floor, isn't it?
She. Quite. But tell me, have you been attending the Congress?
He. Of course; that is why I received an invitation to-night.
She. And you found the lectures and all that most interesting?
He. Yes, very; and then there were the Opera and the theatres in the evening.
She. But do let us talk about the Congress. Did you not discuss sanitation?
He. Discussed it very much indeed. So fortunate too that we had the meeting before everybody had left town.
She. Yes. But did you not inquire into microbes and all that?
He. Certainly; had a lot of talk about them, and finished them all up just in time not to interfere with Goodwood.
She. And I suppose you found out the way to keep everyone in perfect health?
He. That was the idea, and yet we floored Lords and the Oval.
She. But oughtn't every town to be in a satisfactory condition?
He. Why, yes. But that depends upon the season of the year. Of course, some places are deadly dull when nothing's going on from a social point of view.
She. I mean from a health point of view—oughtn't everything nowadays to be simply excellent?
He. Yes, of course. That's the modern theory.
She. And yet, according to the papers, London is full of fever and insanity.
He. I daresay; the Press men generally get their figures right.
She. But if, theoretically, everything is right, why should most things be practically wrong?
He. You must really ask me another.
She. But you are strong upon health, are you not?
He. Very—in the lecture-room. And now, if you are rested, we will have another turn.
House of Commons, Monday, July 30.—Having settled Budget Bill, and, incidentally, brought Chancellor of Exchequer to Death's Door by observations on Death Duties, Tommy Bowles has time to turn his attention to another social question. Looks as if he were going to take the Bicycle Fiend by the scruff of the neck. Herein he has opportunity of deepening and enlarging his hold on affection and esteem of British public. Bicycle Fiend has increased, is increasing, and, at least, ought to be registered. He comes upon the hapless rider or pedestrian in quiet country lanes, brushing him aside as if the earth were the Fiend's and all the highways thereof. Bad enough in the country, where there is room to get out of the way. In crowded streets of metropolis, Fiend pounces round unsuspected corners upon elderly gentlemen, scattering streams of peaceful passengers at peremptory sound of fearsome bell.
Tommy B. got his eye on him. Not without suspicion that this new departure has something to do with old, now closed, campaign against the Budget. Tommy warned the Squire whilst in Committee that his Death Duties would not reap the full harvest anticipated. Every little helps. What with actual concussions and sudden frights, Bicycle Fiend leads in course of financial year to considerable succession of property changing on sudden death, with concurrent toll paid to Treasury. If the Bicycle Fiend can only be placed on same footing as the common carrier, or the harried hansom-cab driver, the death-rate would appreciably decrease, and with it the flow of legacy and succession duties. Tommy may or may not look thus far ahead. No matter, if he only succeeds in restraining a nuisance that is a disgrace to a civilised community.
The Member for Sark tells me he has a Short Way with the B. F., which makes him to considerable extent indifferent to slower action of Home Secretary, who has evidently never had his shins barked by this agency. Sark says when he takes his walks abroad he usually carries a stick or umbrella. When, crossing a road, he hears the tinkle of the Fiend's bell, insolently and imperatively ordering [Pg 72] him out of the way on pain of being run over, he, instead of flying for his life, as is the use of the ordinary citizen, carelessly throws stick or umbrella lance-wise across hollow of right or left arm, according as the Fiend approaches from one direction or the other. Thus armed he leisurely pursues his way. If the Fiend continues on the track, he will run with face or chest on to the point of the umbrella. As that would be inconvenient to him, he slows up or goes on another tack, and when he arrives home writes a letter to the Bicycling Blister, indignantly denouncing a street passenger who wouldn't get out of his way.
Business done.—Vote on Account through Committee.
Tuesday.—"Prince Arthur," said Sark, looking across at the Front Opposition Bench whilst Courtney was speaking, "succeeds in hiding all traces of storm behind a smiling countenance. Joseph, on the contrary, more ingenuous, less acute in practice of worldly wiles, enables one to realise, even at this long distance of time, what Balak, the son of Zippor, King of Moab, looked like when he stood in the high places of Baal, and listened to Balaam's remarks on the motion for the time-closure to be applied to the Children of Israel, who had pitched their tents in the plains of Moab beyond the Jordan at Jericho, and declined to budge at the bidding of Balak."
Appearance of Parliamentary Balaam on scene dramatically effective. Crowded House worked up to highest pitch of excitement by swift encounter, in which John Morley had followed Prince Arthur, and Joseph, springing in from behind, had clouted the Chief Secretary on the head. The Squire had moved time-closure on Evicted Tenants Bill in speech the studied tameness and provoking brevity of which had riled Opposition much more than if he had belaboured them with Harcourtian phrase. Sage of Queen Anne's Gate said a few words, preparatory to packing up for holiday; then Courtney rose from Joseph's side to continue debate. Members, taking it for granted that he, possibly with some reservations in favour of Eviction Bill whose second reading he had supported, was about to say ditto to Joseph on question of Closure, began to move towards door. Arrested by Courtney's solemn tone, and his expression of regret, evidently unfeigned, at deplorable condition in which the House found itself. "Woe to those through whom offences come!" cried Courtney in voice which, as he said, was of one crying in the wilderness, and seemed for its perfect effect to lack only hirsute garb, stave and honeypot. "Through whom did the offence come? Surely," continued the Prophet, bending shaggy eyebrows upon the bench where the Busy B's hive, "the offence lies with those Members who, disregarding the true uses, functions, duties, and high mission of the House, abuse their powers, intent to destroy possibility of the right conduct of public business."
Not Ministers, then, with the Squire at their head, responsible for the deadlock, as Prince Arthur had painted the scene, and as Joseph had touched it up with stronger colour. It was the Busy Bees. They and "a junta of irresponsible landlords enforcing their will upon those who ought to resist them."
O Balaam! Balaam! M.P. for Bodmin. Was it for this Joseph led thee into the field of Zophim, to the top of Pisgah? For this did Prince Arthur build seven altars, and offer up the Squire of Malwood on every one of them? Long time since such a scene was wrought in the House. Saunderson pished and pshawed, and looked anxiously round for Logan. Bartley blushed; Hanbury was hushed; and a tear trickled down the pale cheek of Tommy Bowles—Cap'en no longer, disrated and denounced.
Business done.—Time-Closure resolution carried.
Thursday.—Such larks! Yesterday time-closure came into operation in connection with Evicted Tenants Bill. Arranged that if debate on Clause I not finished by eleven o'clock to-night, all Amendments remaining on paper shall be submitted to vote without further debate. Obstruction scotched; wriggles helplessly, like eel in muddy depths of river, smitten by the spear.
"Shan't play," whimper Prince Arthur and Joseph, mingling their tears at this fresh evidence of tyranny, this last illustration of man's inhumanity to man.
Strike ordered in Unionist lines. Men throw down the pick; hand in the shovel and the hoe; put on their coats; hang about corners of Lobby in approved strike fashion. If Hanbury and the Blameless Bartley could only be induced to stick short clay pipe in side of mouth (bowl downwards), fasten a leather strap outside their trousers just below the knee, and drink four-half out of pewters at bar in the Lobby, scene would be complete.
Strike only partial. Fully one half the men refuse to go out; stand by the masters, turning deaf ear to blandishments and threats of pickets outside. Strange thing is that, working at half strength, output more than doubled. Time-closure, with all hands at work, proposed to complete Committee by eleven o'clock next Tuesday night. At ten minutes past six this afternoon the whole thing through. Not hurried either. Thoroughly debated, divided on, and Bill, in more than one instance, amended.
"Fact is," said the Squire, beaming with chastened delight at turn events taken, "we are over-manned just as London is over-cabbed. Must see if something can't be done to reduce numbers by refusing licenses for fresh elections when vacancies occur."
Business done.—Evicted Tenants Bill through Committee. Building Societies Bill far advanced.
Friday.—Back in the mud again. Strike operative only when Evicted Tenants Bill under consideration. That standing over now for Report Stage. Meanwhile take up again Equalisation of Rates Bill. Men on strike stream in, tired of "playing." Wonderful their eagerness to get to work again, their keen delight in sound of their own voices, so strangely intermitted. Bartley, Kimber, Fisher, Jokim, and the Woolwich Infant all here again, with Webster (of St. Pancras) wobbling all over the place, like a hen that has laid an egg somewhere and can't for the life of her just at the minute think where she left it.
Business done.—Hardly any. As Bartley says, "must make up for lost time when yesterday and day before work advanced by leaps and bounds."
John Morley. "You see it's all right, my little man. I told you you needn't be frightened of him. It was only his vapour. We're through the Commons now! Come along, and I'll leave you at the door of the Lords'. See how you get on there!"
Cryptogrammatist Wanted.—After a plain matter-of-fact paragraph in the Daily Telegraph, stating that "Lord Greville leaves town to-day for Harrogate" (to undergo the "tonic sul-phur" cure, of course, i.e., of water-course), there appeared this mysterious announcement, "Lord Rowton leaves London to-day for some weeks." Now where is "some weeks"? Of course as his Lordship has quitted town for "some weeks," he evidently prefers "some weeks," wherever it is, to London. And that is all we know at present. Strange disappearance. Weird.
The Coster Knight.—There are pictures on almost all the hoardings, in the suburbs especially, of the celebrated Mr. Albert Chevalier. This chevalier "sans peur et sans reproche" is so busy a man that in the best sense of the term he may well be considered as the type of an honest "Chevalier d'Industrie."
Query.—"The Lancashire Rubber Company"—is this something new in the way of Massage? or is it a Company got up for the express purpose of supplying Society with Whist-players?
The Latest Made of Honour at Richmond.— Sir James W. Szlumper, Knight.
End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume
107, August 11, 1894, by Various
*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
***** This file should be named 42546-h.htm or 42546-h.zip *****
This and all associated files of various formats will be found in:
http://www.gutenberg.org/4/2/5/4/42546/
Produced by Paul Marshall, Malcolm Farmer and the Online
Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net
Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions
will be renamed.
Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no
one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation
(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without
permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules,
set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to
copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to
protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark. Project
Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you
charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission. If you
do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the
rules is very easy. You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose
such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and
research. They may be modified and printed and given away--you may do
practically ANYTHING with public domain eBooks. Redistribution is
subject to the trademark license, especially commercial
redistribution.
*** START: FULL LICENSE ***
THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE
PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK
To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free
distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work
(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project
Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project
Gutenberg-tm License available with this file or online at
www.gutenberg.org/license.
Section 1. General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg-tm
electronic works
1.A. By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm
electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to
and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property
(trademark/copyright) agreement. If you do not agree to abide by all
the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy
all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession.
If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project
Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the
terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or
entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8.
1.B. "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark. It may only be
used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who
agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement. There are a few
things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works
even without complying with the full terms of this agreement. See
paragraph 1.C below. There are a lot of things you can do with Project
Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement
and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
works. See paragraph 1.E below.
1.C. The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the Foundation"
or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project
Gutenberg-tm electronic works. Nearly all the individual works in the
collection are in the public domain in the United States. If an
individual work is in the public domain in the United States and you are
located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from
copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative
works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg
are removed. Of course, we hope that you will support the Project
Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by
freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of
this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with
the work. You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by
keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project
Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others.
1.D. The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern
what you can do with this work. Copyright laws in most countries are in
a constant state of change. If you are outside the United States, check
the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement
before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or
creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project
Gutenberg-tm work. The Foundation makes no representations concerning
the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United
States.
1.E. Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg:
1.E.1. The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate
access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently
whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the
phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the phrase "Project
Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed,
copied or distributed:
This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or
re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
1.E.2. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived
from the public domain (does not contain a notice indicating that it is
posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied
and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees
or charges. If you are redistributing or providing access to a work
with the phrase "Project Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the
work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1
through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the
Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or
1.E.9.
1.E.3. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted
with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution
must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional
terms imposed by the copyright holder. Additional terms will be linked
to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the
permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work.
1.E.4. Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm
License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this
work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm.
1.E.5. Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this
electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without
prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with
active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project
Gutenberg-tm License.
1.E.6. You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary,
compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any
word processing or hypertext form. However, if you provide access to or
distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than
"Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official version
posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site (www.gutenberg.org),
you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a
copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon
request, of the work in its original "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other
form. Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm
License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1.
1.E.7. Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying,
performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works
unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9.
1.E.8. You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing
access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided
that
- You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from
the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method
you already use to calculate your applicable taxes. The fee is
owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he
has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the
Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation. Royalty payments
must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you
prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax
returns. Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and
sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the
address specified in Section 4, "Information about donations to
the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation."
- You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies
you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he
does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm
License. You must require such a user to return or
destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium
and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of
Project Gutenberg-tm works.
- You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any
money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the
electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days
of receipt of the work.
- You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free
distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works.
1.E.9. If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm
electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set
forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from
both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and Michael
Hart, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark. Contact the
Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below.
1.F.
1.F.1. Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable
effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread
public domain works in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm
collection. Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain
"Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or
corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual
property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a
computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by
your equipment.
1.F.2. LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right
of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project
Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project
Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project
Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all
liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal
fees. YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT
LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE
PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH 1.F.3. YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE
TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE
LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR
INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH
DAMAGE.
1.F.3. LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a
defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can
receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a
written explanation to the person you received the work from. If you
received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with
your written explanation. The person or entity that provided you with
the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a
refund. If you received the work electronically, the person or entity
providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to
receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund. If the second copy
is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further
opportunities to fix the problem.
1.F.4. Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth
in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS', WITH NO OTHER
WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO
WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE.
1.F.5. Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied
warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages.
If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the
law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be
interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by
the applicable state law. The invalidity or unenforceability of any
provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions.
1.F.6. INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the
trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone
providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance
with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production,
promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works,
harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees,
that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do
or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm
work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any
Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause.
Section 2. Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm
Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of
electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers
including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers. It exists
because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from
people in all walks of life.
Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the
assistance they need are critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's
goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will
remain freely available for generations to come. In 2001, the Project
Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure
and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations.
To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation
and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4
and the Foundation information page at www.gutenberg.org
Section 3. Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive
Foundation
The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit
501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the
state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal
Revenue Service. The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification
number is 64-6221541. Contributions to the Project Gutenberg
Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent
permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state's laws.
The Foundation's principal office is located at 4557 Melan Dr. S.
Fairbanks, AK, 99712., but its volunteers and employees are scattered
throughout numerous locations. Its business office is located at 809
North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887. Email
contact links and up to date contact information can be found at the
Foundation's web site and official page at www.gutenberg.org/contact
For additional contact information:
Dr. Gregory B. Newby
Chief Executive and Director
gbnewby@pglaf.org
Section 4. Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg
Literary Archive Foundation
Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide
spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of
increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be
freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest
array of equipment including outdated equipment. Many small donations
($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt
status with the IRS.
The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating
charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United
States. Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a
considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up
with these requirements. We do not solicit donations in locations
where we have not received written confirmation of compliance. To
SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any
particular state visit www.gutenberg.org/donate
While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we
have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition
against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who
approach us with offers to donate.
International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make
any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from
outside the United States. U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff.
Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation
methods and addresses. Donations are accepted in a number of other
ways including checks, online payments and credit card donations.
To donate, please visit: www.gutenberg.org/donate
Section 5. General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
works.
Professor Michael S. Hart was the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm
concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared
with anyone. For forty years, he produced and distributed Project
Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support.
Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed
editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the U.S.
unless a copyright notice is included. Thus, we do not necessarily
keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition.
Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility:
www.gutenberg.org
This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm,
including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary
Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to
subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks.