The Project Gutenberg EBook of Mr. Punch's Railway Book, edited by J. A. Hammerton This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org Title: Mr. Punch's Railway Book Editor: J. A. Hammerton Illustrator: PHIL MAY, GEORGE DU MAURIER, CHARLES KEENE, JOHN LEECH, SIR JOHN TENNIEL, E. T. REED, L. RAVENHILL, J. BERNARD PARTRIDGE, REGINALD CLEAVER, AND MANY OTHER HUMOROUS ARTISTS Release Date: January 21, 2011 [EBook #35027] Language: English Character set encoding: ASCII *** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK MR. PUNCH'S RAILWAY BOOK *** Produced by Neville Allen, Chris Curnow and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This file was produced from images generously made available by The Internet Archive) MR. PUNCH'S RAILWAY BOOK [Illustration] PUNCH LIBRARY OF HUMOUR Edited by J. A. HAMMERTON Designed to provide in a series of volumes, each complete in itself, the cream of our national humour, contributed by the masters of comic draughtsmanship and the leading wits of the age to "Punch," from its beginning in 1841 to the present day. * * * * * [Illustration: "READING BETWEEN THE LINES"] * * * * * MR. PUNCH'S RAILWAY BOOK _WITH 160 ILLUSTRATIONS_ BY PHIL MAY, GEORGE DU MAURIER, CHARLES KEENE, JOHN LEECH, SIR JOHN TENNIEL, E. T. REED, L. RAVENHILL, J. BERNARD PARTRIDGE, REGINALD CLEAVER, AND MANY OTHER HUMOROUS ARTISTS [Illustration] PUBLISHED BY ARRANGEMENT WITH THE PROPRIETORS OF "PUNCH" THE EDUCATIONAL BOOK CO. LTD. * * * * * PUNCH LIBRARY OF HUMOUR _Twenty-five volumes, crown 8vo, 192 pages fully illustrated_ LIFE IN LONDON COUNTRY LIFE IN THE HIGHLANDS SCOTTISH HUMOUR IRISH HUMOUR COCKNEY HUMOUR IN SOCIETY AFTER DINNER STORIES IN BOHEMIA AT THE PLAY MR. PUNCH AT HOME ON THE CONTINONG RAILWAY BOOK AT THE SEASIDE MR. PUNCH AFLOAT IN THE HUNTING FIELD MR. PUNCH ON TOUR WITH ROD AND GUN MR. PUNCH AWHEEL BOOK OF SPORTS GOLF STORIES IN WIG AND GOWN ON THE WARPATH BOOK OF LOVE WITH THE CHILDREN * * * * * A WORD AT STARTING [Illustration] ONLY a few years before MR. PUNCH began his long and brilliant career had passenger trains and a regular system of railway travelling come into existence. In his early days it was still very much of a novelty to undertake a journey of any length by train; a delightful uncertainty prevailed not only as to the arrival at a given destination, but equally as to getting away from a starting-place. Naturally, the pens and pencils of his clever contributors were then frequently in use to illustrate the humours of railway travel, and even down to the present time MR. PUNCH has not failed to find in the railway and its associations "a source of innocent merriment." It must be admitted that some thirty years ago the pages of PUNCH literally teemed with biting satires on the management of our railways, and the fact that his whole-hearted denunciations of the inefficient service, the carelessness which resulted in frequent accidents, the excessive charges, the inadequate accommodation, could have been allowed to pass without numerous actions for libel, is proof of the enormous advantages which the present generation enjoys in this great matter of comfortable, rapid and inexpensive transit. Where MR. PUNCH in his wrath, as voicing the opinion of the public, was wont to ridicule and condemn the railways and all associated therewith, we to-day are as ready, and with equal reason, to raise our voice in praise. But ridicule is ever a stronger impulse to wit than is appreciation, and in these later days when we are all alive to the abounding merits of our railway system MR. PUNCH has had less to say about it. If we were to cull from his pages written in the days of his wrath we might be held guilty of presenting a gross travesty of the conditions now obtaining. Thus it is that in one or two cases only have we retained passages from his earlier chronicles, such as "Rules for the Rail" and "The Third-Class Traveller's Petition," which have some historical value as reminders that the railway comfort of the present day presents a remarkable contrast to the not very distant past. To-day every member of the community may be regarded as a railway traveller, so large a part does the railway play in modern life; and it will be admitted that, with all our improvements, the element of humour has not been eliminated from our comings and goings by train. We trust it never may. Here, then, is a compilation of the "best things," literary and pictorial, that have appeared in MR. PUNCH'S pages on the subject, and with his cheery presence as our guard, let us set forth upon our excursion into the Realm of Fun! * * * * * MR. PUNCH'S RAILWAY BOOK RAILWAY JOKES _As Played Daily on the Principal Lines_ _Turning Business into Pleasure._--Take a traveller pressed for time, and induce him to enter a train supposed to be in correspondence with another train belonging to another line, and by which other train the traveller proposes to proceed to his destination. As the first train arrives at the junction, start off the second train _en route_ for Town. The dismay of the traveller when he finds his journey interrupted will be, to say the least, most mirth-moving. _The Panic-stricken Passengers._--Allow an express train to arrive at the station of a rival company two hours behind its time. The travellers will, of course, be anxious to learn the cause of the delay, and will (again of course) receive no sort of information on the subject from the servants of the rival company. Should there be any nervous ladies in the train, the fun will become fast and furious. _A Lark in the Dark._--Start a train ten minutes late, and gradually lose time until it arrives in the middle of a long tunnel, and then stop the engine. Stay where you are for half an hour, whistling and letting off steam every now and then, to increase the excitement. Should it be known in the train that an express is due on the line of rails already occupied by the carriages, the humour of the situation will be greatly improved. Before playing this joke, it will be as well to lock the carriage-doors, and to carefully sever the cord of communication existing (on some lines) between the passengers and the guard. _A Comical Meal._--On a long journey promise that the train shall stop at a stated station ten minutes for refreshments. Lose time in the customary manner, and allow the train to arrive at the stated station half an hour late. Permit the passengers to descend and to enter the refreshment-rooms. The moment they are served, drive them back hurriedly into the carriages with the threat that if they are not immediately seated in their places they will be left behind. When the passengers are once more in their compartments, the carriage-doors should be securely locked, and the train can then remain waiting beside the platform for three-quarters of an hour. _The Strange Companions._--Invite ladies and gentlemen to travel in a first-class carriage. When the compartment is a third full, over-fill it with "merry" excursionists holding third-class tickets. The contrast between the "merriment" of the excursionists and the disgust of the ladies and gentlemen will be found a source of never-ending amusement. _A Wholesome Joke (added by Mr. Punch and suggested to the Passengers)._--Whenever you find yourselves subjected to the "fun" of the railway officials, write to the newspapers and obtain a summons against the directors of the company which you believe to be in fault. _Verb. sap._ * * * * * [Illustration: "Half third return to Brixton, please." "Half! What's your age?" "I'm thirteen at home; but I'm only nine and a half on railways."] * * * * * [Illustration: _Friend (to minor rail official at provincial station)_ "'Ullo Cocky, where 'ave you been all this time?" _Minor R.O. (with dignity)._ "Oh I had to go up on duty for the Naval Review at Spit'ead, I 'ad." _Friend (impressed)._ "Ah! Fine sight I expect it wur?" _Minor R.O._ "Well, I can't say as I _saw much of it. I war taking the tickets at Vaux'all!"_] * * * * * [Illustration: AN EXCITING TIME Poor Jones is convinced that his worst fears are at last realised, and he is left alone with a _dangerous lunatic!!_ (It was only little Wobbles running anxiously over the points of his coming speech to the electors of Plumpwell-on-Tyme!!)] * * * * * [Illustration: A TRAGEDY ON THE GREAT NORTHERN SCENE--_A third-class carriage._ TIME--_Three hours before the next station._ DRAMATIS PERSONAE--_Jones and Robinson._ "It's the _last!_--and it's a Taendstickor. It'll only strike on the box!" "Strike it on the box, then;--but for Heaven's sake, be careful!" "Yes; but, like a fool, I've just pitched the box out of window!"] * * * * * [Illustration: "WHAT'S SAUCE FOR THE GOOSE," &c. _Passenger (in second class)._ "I think I've got into the wrong carriage." _Ticket Inspector (sternly)._ "The difference must be paid!" _Passenger (triumphantly)._ "Oh, just so! Then I'll trouble you for three shillings--I've a first-class ticket!"] * * * * * [Illustration: A REMINDER _Old Lady._ "Now, porter, you're quite sure you've put all my luggage in?--the big portmantle and----" _Porter._ "All right, mum." _Old Lady._ "And you're certain I've not left anything behind----" _Porter._ "No, mum, not even a copper!"] * * * * * [Illustration: NOTES OF TRAVEL _The Cunard "Special" full speed for London_ _John Bull (of the World in general)._ "There is nothing to be alarmed at. Surely your American trains go much faster than this?" _Jonathan (from the West in particular)._ "Why, yaas. But 'tain't that. I'm afeard it'll run off your darned little island!"] * * * * * [Illustration: _Impatient Traveller._ "Er--how long will the next train be, portah?" _Porter._ "Heaw long? Weel, sir ah dunno heaw ah con saay to hauf an inch. Happen there'll be fower or five co-aches an' a engine or soa."] * * * * * [Illustration: THE LEVEL CROSSING "Are there no more trains this evening on the up line, porter?" "No, mum." "And no more trains on the down line?" "No, mum." "Is there no _special_ train?" "No, mum." "Nor an _excursion_ train?" "No, mum. The gates are to for the rest of the evening." "You're quite sure?" "Yes, mum." "Then come, Amelia. We can cross the line!"] * * * * * [Illustration: _Old Maid._ "Is this a smoking compartment, young man?" _Obliging Passenger._ "No, mum. 'Igher up!"] * * * * * THE MISSING SPINSTER You may boast your great improvements, Your inventions and your "movements," For those who stay at home, and those who travel; But arrangements for the latter Are so complex, that the matter Makes them dotty as a hatter To unravel. There was once an ancient lady Whom we knew as Miss O'Grady, Who was asked to spend the autumn down at Trew. So in fear and trepidation She sought out her destination, And betook her to the station-- Waterloo. She took her little ticket And she did not fail to stick it With half-a-dozen coppers in her glove. Another moment found her With a plenty to astound her-- For she'd notice-boards all round her, And above! So she studied every number On those sign-posts that encumber All the station; and she learned them one by one; But she found the indication Of the platforms of the station Not much use as information When she'd done. In her shocking state of fluster Little courage could she muster, Yet of porters she accosted one or two; But, too shy to claim attention, And too full of apprehension, She could get no one to mention "Which for Trew." So she trudged through every station-- "North," "South," "Main,"--in quick rotation, And then she gave a trial to the "Loop"; Like some hapless new Pandora She sat down a-gasping for a Little hope to live on--or a Plate o' soup. * * * * * 'Mid the bustle and the hissing An old maiden lady's "Missing"-- In some corner of the complicated maze; And round about she's gliding In unwilling, hideous hiding, On the platform, loop, or siding, In a craze. And still they cannot find her, For she leaves no trace behind her At Vauxhall, Clapham Junction, Waterloo; But she passes like a comet With the myst'ry of Mahomet-- Her course unknown--and from it Not a clue! * * * * * [Illustration: MOST OFFENSIVE _Railway Porter._ "If you please, sir, was this your'n?"] * * * * * [Illustration: A RAILWAY COLLUSION--A HINT TO STATION-MASTERS _Porter._ "Now, then, Bill! are you off?" _Cab Ruffian._ "No; what sort of fare is it?" _Porter._ "Single gent, with small bag." _Ruffian._ "Oh, _he_ won't do! Can't yer find us a old lady and two little gals with lots o' boxes? I'm good for a pint!"] * * * * * [Illustration: CHANGELINGS; OR, A STORY WITHOUT (POLITE) WORDS. "Them's the only dogs as come by this train, sir. The guard says as 'ow there was three sportin' dogs, as 'ad ate their label off, wot's gone on by the Scotch Express."] * * * * * RATHER 'CUTE.--_Small but Sharp Passenger._ "Look here! You didn't give me the right change just now!" _Clerk._ "Too late, sir! You should have spoken when you took your ticket!" _Passenger._ "_Should_ I? Well, it's of no consequence to me; but you gave me half-a-sovereign too much! Ta-ta!" _[Exit._ * * * * * [Illustration: SMOKING COMPARTMENT WAIT TILL THE TRAIN STOPS THIRD CLASS. TO SEAT SIX UNDERGROUND STUDIES] * * * * * [Illustration: THE UNDERGROUND RAILWAYS] _Stoker._ "Wery sorry to disturb yer at supper, ladies, but could yer oblige me with a scuttle o' coals for our engine, as we've run short of 'em this journey?" * * * * * REPARTEES FOR THE RAILWAY "No smoking allowed." Of course, but I am going to enjoy my cigar in silence. "Want the window closed." Very sorry, but I can't find a cathedral. "Find my journal a nuisance." Dear me! was under the impression it was a newspaper. "Allow you to pass." Afraid only the Secretary can manage that for you; he alone has power to issue free tickets. "Do I mind the draught?" Not when I am attending to the chessman. "Do I know the station?" Of the people on the platform? Probably lower middle class. "Is this right for Windsor?" Yes, if it's not left for somewhere else. "Are we allowed five minutes for lunch?" Think not; but you can have sandwiches at the counter. "Isn't this first-class?" Quite excellent--first-rate--couldn't be better! "I want to go second." Then you had better follow me. "I am third." Indeed! And who were first and second. "I think this must be London." Very likely, if it is, it mustn't be anywhere else. * * * * * THE WAY OF THE WHIRLED.--The rail-way. * * * * * "VERY HARD LINES."--The railways. * * * * * [Illustration: RAILWAY AMALGAMATION--A PLEASANT STATE OF THINGS] _Passenger._ "What's the matter, guard?" _Guard (with presence of mind)._ "Oh, nothing particular, sir. We've only run into an excursion train!" _Passenger._ "But, good gracious! there's a train just behind us, isn't there?" _Guard._ "Yes, sir! But a boy has gone down the line with a signal; and it's very likely they'll see it!" * * * * * [Illustration: METROPOLITAN RAILWAY TYPES. The party that _never_ says, "Thank | The party that _always_ says, you!" | "Thank you!" When you open the door, shut the window, or give up your seat for her.] * * * * * THE THIRD-CLASS TRAVELLER'S PETITION (1845) Pity the sorrows of a third-class man, Whose trembling limbs with snow are whitened o'er, Who for his fare has paid you all he can: Cover him in, and let him freeze no more! This dripping hat my roofless pen bespeaks, So does the puddle reaching to my knees; Behold my pinch'd red nose--my shrivell'd cheeks: You should not have such carriages as these. In vain I stamp to warm my aching feet, I only paddle in a pool of slush; My stiffen'd hands in vain I blow and beat; Tears from my eyes congealing as they gush. Keen blows the wind; the sleet comes pelting down, And here I'm standing in the open air! Long is my dreary journey up to Town, That is, alive, if ever I get there. Oh! from the weather, when it snows and rains, You might as well, at least, defend the poor; It would not cost you much, with all your gains: Cover us in, and luck attend your store. * * * * * [Illustration: A CAUTION No wonder Miss Lavinia Stitchwort thought the people very rude at the station when she went for her "water-proof" (which she had lost on the railway some time before). She found out when she got home she had not removed the "unclaimed property" label!] * * * * * [Illustration: _Nervous Party._ "The train seems to be travelling at a fearful pace, ma'am." _Elderly Female._ "Yus, ain't it? My Bill's a-drivin' of the ingin, an' 'e _can_ make 'er go when 'e's got a drop o' drink in 'im!"] * * * * * THE ORIGIN OF RAILWAYS.--The first idea of railways is of very ancient date, for we hear of the Great Norman line immediately after the Conquest. * * * * * RAILWAY NEWS.--There is an old lady who says, that she always likes to travel by a trunk line, because then she feels confidence about the safety of her luggage. * * * * * "RAILWAY COUPLING."--When the porter marries the young lady in the refreshment department. * * * * * [Illustration: THE FIRST "BRADSHAW" A reminiscence of Whitsun Holidays in Ancient Egypt. From an old-time tabl(e)ature] * * * * * RAILWAY REFORM.--Compartments to be reserved for ladies over and under a certain age. As there will invariably be compartments for those who smoke, so also for those who snuff. The former will be labelled as usual "for Smokers," the latter "for Snuffers." The last-mentioned will be tried as far as Hampton Wick. The "Sleeping Cars" will be divided into "Snorers" and "Non-Snorers." Tickets will be issued subject to these regulations. It is important to the Shareholders to know that on and after the abolition of the Second Class, the motto of the Company will be "No Returns." * * * * * A PLUTOCRAT.--_Swell._ "'Dyou oblige me--ah--by shutting your window?--ah----" _Second Passenger (politely)._ "Really, sir, if you will not press it, as yours is shut, the air is so warm I would rather keep this open. You seem to take great care of yourself, sir----" _Swell._ "Care of myself! Should wather think so. So would you, my dear fel-lah, if you'd six thousand a ye-ar!!" * * * * * THE SLOW TRAIN On Southern lines the trains which crawl Deliberately to and fro Make life a burden; of them all This is the slowest of the slow. Impatiently condemned to bear What is indeed an awful bore, I've seemed to be imprisoned there Three days, or more. The angry passengers complain; Of new electric cabs they talk. They sit and swear at such a train, And ask, "Shall we get out and walk?" It's true the time seems extra long When spent in such a wretched way, My calculation may be wrong-- Three hours, say. The other day I had to come By this slow train, but facing me Was no old buffer, dull and dumb; I chatted with my vis-a-vis. A pretty smile, a pretty dress, Gay spirits no fatigue could crush; With her it was a quick express, Three minutes' rush. For once I sadly left the train, For once the time too quickly passed. I still could angrily complain, Why travel so absurdly fast? At lightning speed that special went (I'd paid the ordinary fare), Now looking back it seems we spent Three seconds there. * * * * * [Illustration: A BANK HOLIDAY SKETCH _Facetious Individual (from carriage window)._ "Change 'ere, 'ave we? Then kindly oblige me with a sardine-opener!"] * * * * * WEDNESBURY STATION.--_First Collier._ "Trains leave for Birmingham, 10.23 a.m., 6.23 p.m." _Second Collier._ "What's p.m.?" _First Do._ "A penny a mile, to be sure." _Second Do._ "Then, what's a.m.?" _First Do._ "Why, that must be a a'penny a mile." * * * * * [Illustration: RAILWAY LUXURIES _Excursionist._ "I say--'ere! This water's full o'crumbs!" _Aquarius._ "That ain't crumbs! That's only the sawdust off the hice!"] * * * * * RAILWAY AND SOCIAL SYNONYMS _'Traction Engines._--Too many Girls of the Period. _Truck-Trains._--Most marriage processions at St. George's, Hanover Square. _Continuous Brakes._--The results of lodging house attendance. _Changing Lines._--What we often see after the honeymoon. _Shunted on to a Siding._--Paterfamilias when Baby appears. * * * * * [Illustration: A party who is quite in favour of light railways for town and country.] * * * * * [Illustration: OUR COUNTRY COUSINS _The Gushington girls have just arrived by rail, and are inhaling the odours of an average London terminus._ _Miss Milly Gushington._ "Wait a bit, uncle." (_Sniff._) "Oh, isn't it lovely, Hilly? Doesn't it just _smell_ of the season?" _Miss Hilly Gushington._ "Don't speak about it--only sniff!"] * * * * * THE TOURIST'S ALPHABET (_Railway Edition_) A is the affable guard whom you square: B is the _Bradshaw_ which leads you to swear: C is the corner you fight to obtain: D is the draught of which others complain: E are the enemies made for the day: F is the frown that you wear all the way: G is the guilt that you feel going third: H is the humbug by which you're deterred: I is the insult you'll get down the line: J is the junction where you'll try to dine: K is the kettle of tea three weeks old: L are the lemon drops better unsold: M is the maiden who says there's no meat: N is the nothing you thus get to eat: O is the oath that you use--and do right: P is the paper to which you _don't_ write: Q are the qualms to directors unknown: R is the row which you'll find all your own: S is the smash that is "nobody's fault:" T is the truth, that will come to a halt: U is the pointsman--who's up the whole night: V is the verdict that says it's "all right." W stands for wheels flying off curves: X for express that half shatters your nerves: Y for the yoke from your neck that you fling, and Z for your zest as you cut the whole thing! * * * * * [Illustration: STARTLING! _Constable (to nervous passenger, arrived by the Ramsgate train)._ "I've got yer"--(_"Ger-acious Heavens!" thinks little Skeery with a thrill of horror. "Takes me for somebody that's 'wanted'!"_)--"a cab, sir."] * * * * * "THE MORE HASTE THE WORSE SPEED" SCENE--_The Charing Cross Station of the District Railway._ _Country Cousin, bound for Bayswater, to ticket clerk, with scrupulous politeness._ If you please, I want a first-class ticket to Bayswater. _Ticket Clerk (abruptly)._ No first-class here. Go to the next booking-place. [_Country Cousin retires rebuffed, and finds his way to next booking-place._ _Country Cousin._ If you please, I want a first-class ticket to Bayswater. _Ticket Clerk (explosively)._ Single or return? Look sharp! You're not the only person in London! _Country Cousin (humbly)._ Single, please. [_The ticket and change are slapped down unceremoniously, and Country Cousin is shoved on from behind by an impatient City man. Rushes precipitately down brass-bound steps, and presents his ticket to be snipped._ _Snipper (inspecting ticket)._ Queen's Road, Bayswater? Wrong side! Go up the stairs, and turn to the right. Look sharp! There's a train just coming in! [_Country Cousin, with a deepened sense of humiliation and bewilderment, hurries upstairs, turns to the right, and reaches entrance to platform just in time to have gate slammed in his face. The train being gone, gate is re-opened, and the necessary snipping performed on his ticket._ _Country Cousin (to Snipper, politely)._ If you please--will the next train take me to Queen's Road, Bayswater? _Saturnine Official._ Can't tell you till the train comes. [_Country Cousin paces the platform in moody silence, and wishes he had taken a cab. Enter train, rushing madly along._ _Stentorian voice (without stops)._ Earl's Court North End and Hammersmith train first and second-class forward third behind! [_Country Cousin makes his way towards a carriage, but finds it full. Tries another with the same result, and is frantically endeavouring to open the door of a third-class compartment in which there is one vacant seat next a fat woman with a baby, when train moves on._ _Indignant Official._ Stand away there! Stand away, will you! (_Drags back Country Cousin._) That ain't your train! What do you want a-tryin to get in there for? [_Country Cousin, in deeper humiliation, re-arranges dress, disturbed by recent struggle and resumes his agitated march._ _Enter another train more madly than the first._ _Stentorian voice._ High Street Kensington Notting Hill Gate and Bayswater train main line train! _Country Cousin (to Haughty Official, in an agony of entreaty)._ Is this train for Queen's Road, Bayswater? _Haughty Official._ Yes, Queen's Road. Look sharp! She'll be off in a minute. [_Country Cousin scrambles through the crowd to a carriage; drops his umbrella; stoops to pick it up and on rising finds train three parts through the tunnel. Exit Country Cousin in a rage, to get a cab, having lost twenty minutes, the price of his unused ticket, his self-respect, and that of everybody he has come in contact with in the Metropolitan District Railway Station._ * * * * * [Illustration: WHEN IN DOUBT--DON'T! SCENE--_Country Station_ _Gent._ "Are the sandwiches fresh, my boy?" _Country Youth._ "Don't know, I'm sure, sir. I've only been here a fortnight!"] * * * * * [Illustration: A DILEMMA _Station-Master._ "Now then! Look alive with they dougs! Where are you----" _Overdriven Porter._ "Hoots! they've a' eaten their tuck'ts, an' dinna ken fa the're gaen tae!"] * * * * * [Illustration: RISKS _Shrewd Clerk (with an eye to his percentage)._ "Take an accident insurance ticket, sir?" _Passenger (nervously)._ "Wha' for?!" _Clerk._ "Well, sir, nothing has gone wrong 'twixt this and London for the last fourteen months; and, by the haverages, the next smash on the hup line is hoverdue exactly six weeks and three days!!" [_Old Gent forks out with alacrity._] * * * * * TO MY "PUFF PUFF" Puff me away from the noise and the worry; Puff me away from the desolate town; Puff me--but don't be in too great a hurry; Puff me, but don't in a tunnel break down. Puff me away to my loved Isle of Thanet Swiftly--or e'en at the pace called the snail's, Puff me the sea-breeze, and pleasantly fan it Into my nostrils--but don't leave the rails. Puff me away, far from Parliament's houses; For brown moors of Scotland my soul is athirst-- For a smell of the heather, a pop at the grouses; Puff me, but mind that your boiler don't burst. Puff me _en route_ for care-killing Killarney, Tenderly take me, as bridegroom his bride; Bear me towards Erin, blest birthplace of Blarney, Puff, puff, like blazes--but, _please_, don't "collide!" * * * * * [Illustration: DIGNITY AND IMPUDENCE _Customer_ (Time--_Saturday afternoon_). "I don't want all coppers in change for that shilling. Haven't you got any silver?" _Newsboy._ "All right, sir. Want a little Sunday money, I s'pose, sir?"] * * * * * TO A RAILWAY FOOT-WARMER At first I loved thee--thou wast warm,-- The porter called thee "'ot," nay, "bilin'." I tipped him as thy welcome form He carried, with a grateful smile, in. Alas! thou art a faithless friend, Thy warmth was but dissimulation; Thy tepid glow is at an end, And I am nowhere near my station! I shiver, cold in feet and hands, It is a legal form of slaughter, They don't warm (!) trains in other lands With half a pint of tepid water. I spurn thy coldness with a kick, And pile on rugs as my protectors, I'd send--to warm them--to Old Nick, Thy parsimonious directors! * * * * * DIFFERENT WAYS OF TRAVELLING.--Man travels to expand his ideas; but woman--judging from the number of boxes she invariably takes with her--travels only with the object of expanding her dresses. * * * * * "THE BEST OF MOTIVES."--Locomotives. * * * * * [Illustration: "A LIBERAL MEASURE" _Rude Boy (to stout party on weighing-machine, which is out of order, and won't work)._ "Shove in another penny, guv'nor. It's double fare to chaps o' your size!"] * * * * * FOXHUNTER'S DEFINITION OF A MAIL-TRAIN.--A Post and Rails. * * * * * AS A RULE.--"Signal Failures"--Railway accidents. * * * * * THREE RAILWAY GAUGES.--Trains are made for the Broad Gauge, the Narrow Gauge, and the Lug-gage. * * * * * [Illustration: ZOOLOGY _Railway Porter (to old lady travelling with a menagerie of pets)._ "'Station-master say, mum, as cats is 'dogs,' and rabbits is 'dogs,' and so's parrots; but this ere 'tortis' is a insect, so there ain't no charge for it!"] * * * * * [Illustration: LOGIC _Stout Party._ "What! no room! Ain't that man just got out? If people can get out, people can get in!"] * * * * * THE QUICKEST OF ALL EXPRESS TRAINS.--The train of thought. * * * * * STARTLING RAILWAY ACCIDENT.--A punctual train. * * * * * KEEP YOUR TEMPER.--Avoid entering into an argument with a deaf man in a railway carriage, as it is sure to lead to high words. * * * * * "DON'T TOUCH ME, OR I'LL SCREAM!" as the engine whistle said to the stoker. * * * * * [Illustration: "A MAN AND A PASSENGER!" _Sweep._ "'Elp us up with my luggage, mate!"] * * * * * VOCES POPULI I SCENE--_Interior of Third-Class Smoking Compartment. First Passenger, apparently a small Suburban Tradesman, of a full and comfortable habit, seated by window. To him enters a seedy but burly Stranger, in a state of muzzy affability, with an under-suggestion of quarrelsomeness._ _The Stranger (leaning forward mysteriously)._ Yer saw that gentleman I was a torkin' to as I got in? Did yer know 'oo he _was_? _First Passenger (without hauteur, but with the air of a person who sets a certain value on his conversation)._ Well, he didn't look much like the Archbishop of Canterbury. _The S._ He's a better man than _'im_! That was Brasher, the middling weight! he giv' me the orfice straight about Killivan and Smifton, _he_ did! _First P. (interested, as a lover of the Noble Art of Self Defence)._ Ah! did he, though? _The S._ He _did_; I went up to him, and I sez, "Excuse me," I sez, like that, I sez, "but are you an American, or a German?" _First P. (with superiority)._ He wouldn't like that--being taken for a German. _The S. (solemnly)._ Those were my very words! And he sez, "No, I'm a Yank," and then I knoo 'oo 'e was, d'ye see? and so (_hazily_) one word brought up another, and we got a torkin'. If I was to tell you I'd _seen_ Killivan, I should be tellin' yer a lie! _First P._ Well, I won't ask you to do that. _The S. (firmly)._ Nor I wouldn't. But you've on'y to look at Smifton to see 'e's never 'ad a smack on the 'ed. Now, there's Sulton--'e's a _good_ man, _'e_ is--'e _is_ a good man! Look 'ow that feller knocks 'isself about! But if I was to pass _my_ opinion, it 'ud be this--Killivan's _in_ it for science, he ain't in it to _take_ anything; you may take that from me! _First P._ (_objecting to be treated as an_ ingenu). It's not the first time I've heard of it, by a long way. _The S._ Ah! and it's the truth, the Bible truth (_putting his hand on First P.'s knee_). Now, you b'leeve what I'm a'goin' to tell yer? _First P. (his dignity a little ruffled)._ I will--if it's anything in reason. _The S._ It's this: My opinion of Killivan and Sulton's this--Sulton _brought_ Killivan _out_. I'm on'y tellin' yer from 'earsay, like; but I _know_ this myself--one lived in 'Oxton, and the other down Bermondsey way. 'E's got a nice little butcher's business there at this present moment; and 'e's a mug if 'e turns it up! _First P. (axiomatically)._ Every man's a mug who turns a good business up. _The S._ Yer right! And (_moralising_) it ain't _all_ 'oney with that sort o' people, neither, I can tell yer! I dessay, now, when all's put to the test, you're not a moneyed man--no more than I am myself? _First P. (not altogether flattered)._ Well--that's as _may_ be. _The S._ But I b'leeve yer to be a man o' the world, although I don't _know_ yer. _First P. (modestly)._ I used to be in it at one time. _The S. (confidentially)._ I'm in it _now_. I don't get my livin' by it, though, mind yer. I'm a mechanic, I am--to a certain extent. I've been in America. _There's_ a country now--they don't over-tax like they do 'ere! _First P. (sympathetically)._ There you _'ave_ touched a point--we're taxed past all common sense. Why, this very tobacco I'm smoking now is charged---- _The S._ Talkin' of terbaccer, I don't mind 'aving a pipe along with yer myself. _First P. (handing his pouch with a happy mixture of cordiality and condescension)._ There you are, then. _The S. (afflicted by sudden compunction as he fills his pipe)._ I 'ope I'm not takin' a libbaty in askin yer? _First P._ Liberty? rubbish! I'm not one to make distinctions where _I_ go. I'd as soon talk to one man as I would another--you're setting your coat alight. _The S._ I set fire to myself once, and I never live in 'opes of doing so agen! It's a funny thing with me, I can smoke a cigar just as well as I could a short pipe. I'm no lover of a cigar, if you understand me; but I can go into company where they _are_, d'ye _see_? _First P. (shortly)._ _I_ see. _The S. (with fresh misgivings)._ You'll excuse me if I've taken a libbaty with yer! _First P. (with a stately air)._ We settled all that just now. _The S. (after a scrutiny)._ I tell yer what my idear of _you_ is--that you're a _Toff!_ _First P. (disclaiming this distinction a little uneasily)._ No, no--there's nothing of the toff about _me!_ _The S. (defiantly)._ Well, you're a _gentleman_, anyway? _First P. (aphoristic, but uncomfortable)._ We can all of us be that, so long as we behave ourselves. _The S. (much pleased by this sentiment)._ Right agen! give us yer 'and--if it's not takin a libbaty. I'm one of them as can't bear to take a libbaty with no matter 'oo. Yer know it's a real pleasure to me to be settin' 'ere torkin' comfortably to you, without no thought of either of us fallin' out. There's some people as wouldn't feel 'appy, not without they was 'aving a row. Now you and me ain't _like_ that! _First P. (shifting about)._ Quite so--quite so, of course! _The S._ Not but what if it was to come to a row between us, I could take _my_ part! _First P. (wishing there was somebody else in the compartment)._ I--I hope we'll keep off that. _The S. (devoutly)._ So do I! _I_ 'ope we'll keep off o' that. But yer never know what may bring it on--and there it is, d'ye see! You and me might fall out without intending it. I've bin a bit of a boxer in my day. Do you doubt my word?--if so, say it to my face! _First P._ I've no wish to offend you, I'm sure. _The S._ I never take a lie straight from any man, and there you 'ave me in a word! If you're _bent_ on a row, you'll find me a glutton, that's all I can tell you! _First P. (giving himself up for lost)._ But I'm _not_ bent on a row--qu--quite otherwise! _The S._ You should ha' said so afore, because, when my back's once put _up_, I'm--'ello! we're stopping, I get out 'ere, don't I? _First P. (eagerly)._ Yes--make haste, they don't stay long anywhere on this line! _The S. (completely mollified)._ Then I'll say good-bye to yer. (_Tenderly._) P'raps we may meet agen, some day. _First P._ We--we'll hope so--good day to you, wish you luck! _The S. (solemnly)._ Lord _love_ yer! (_Pausing at door._) I 'ope you don't think me the man to fall out with nobody. I _never_ fall out---- [_Falls out into the arms of a porter, whom he pummels as the train moves on, and First Passenger settles into a corner with a sigh of relief._ * * * * * [Illustration: NOT QUITE UP TO DATE _Somerset Rustic (on seeing the signal drop)._ "Ar don't know if it'd make any difference, maister, but thic ther' bit o' board of yourn 'ave a fallen down!"] * * * * * [Illustration: NOTES OF TRAVEL _Foreign Husband (whose wife is going to remain longer)._ "Gif me two dickets. Von for me to come back, and von for my vife not to come back!"] * * * * * [Illustration: IN THE UNDERGROUND _Lady (who has just entered carriage, to friend)._ "Fancy finding you in the train! Why couldn't I have met you yesterday, now? I had such a wretched journey! But one never _does_ meet people when one wants to!"] * * * * * [Illustration: LA BELLE DAME SANS "MERCI"] * * * * * [Illustration: "TOUT VIENT A QUI SAIT ATTENDRE" Shouting heard--engine whistles frantically--brakes applied violently--train stops--accident, no doubt--alarm of first-class passengers--stout gent flies at communicator--child shrieks--terrified lady calls out, "Help! guard! What is it? Let us out!" _Guard._ "Oh, no fear, miss. On'y driver he just see a lot o' fine mushyroons, miss, and we----he like 'em for breakfast. All right! Away y' go!!"] * * * * * [Illustration: A STATION ON THE NORTH STAFFORDSHIRE LINE _Traveller._ "Now then, boy, where's the clerk who gives the ticket?" _Boy (after finishing an air he was whistling)._ "I'm the clerk." _Traveller._ "Well, sir! And what time does the train leave for London?" _Boy._ "Oh, I don't know. No time in pertickler. Sometimes one time--and sometimes another."] * * * * * [Illustration: TRYING POSITION OF AN ELDERLY GENTLEMAN He determines to try the automatic photographing machine, the station being empty. To his dismay a crowd has gathered, and watches the operation.] * * * * * [Illustration: _Workman (politely, to old lady, who has accidentally got into a smoking compartment)._ "You don't object to my pipe, I 'ope, mum?" _Old Lady._ "Yes, I _do_ object, very strongly!" _Workman._ "Oh! Then out you get!!"] * * * * * A SENTIMENTAL JOURNEY LONG AFTER STERNE'S _(A Romance for a "Ladies Only" Compartment)_ SCENE--_Reserved Carriage on the London and Utopian Railway. Female Traveller in possession. Enter, suddenly, a Male Traveller._ _Male Traveller._ A thousand apologies! I really nearly missed my train, so was obliged to take refuge in this carriage. Trust I don't intrude. _Fem. T. (after a pause)._ As you have no one to present you, I must ask "if you are any lady's husband?" _Male T. (with a sigh)._ Alas, no! I am a wretched bachelor! _Fem. T. (drily)._ That is nothing out of the common. I have been given to understand that all bachelors are miserable. _Male T._ No doubt your husband agrees with the opinion? _Fem. T. (calmly)._ I have no experience. I am a spinster. _Male T. (smiling)._ Indeed! And you selected a ladies' carriage? _Fem. T. (quickly)._ Because there was no room anywhere else. _Male T._ Well, well! At the next station I can get into a smoking compartment. _Fem. T._ Surely there is no need to take so much trouble. _Male T._ Why! don't _you_ object to a cigar? _Fem. T._ Not in the least. The fact is, I smoke myself! [_Red fire and tobacco._ _Male T. (after a pause)._ I have it on my conscience to make a correction. I said just now that I was not somebody's husband. _Fem. T. (annoyed)._ Then you are married! _Male T. (with intention)._ Well, not yet. But if you like you can receive me as somebody's betrothed. _Fem. T. (regardless of grammar)._ Who's somebody? _Male T. (smiling)._ Think of your own name. _Fem. T._ What next? _Male T._ Why, give it to me; and if you like you shall have mine in exchange. (_Train arrives at a station._) _Guard (without)._ All change! [_And later on they do._ * * * * * THE PATRON SAINT OF RAILWAYS.-St. Pan-crash. * * * * * [Illustration: A NON-SEQUITUR _Affable Old Gentleman (who has half a minute to spare)._ "I suppose now, my boy, you take a good sum of money during the day?" _Shoeblack._ "Yessur, 'cause lots o' gintleman, when they wants to ketch a train, gives me sixpence!" [_Old gent finds the sixpence, but in thinking over it afterwards, couldn't see the connection._] * * * * * [Illustration: THE TWOPENNY TUBE "Hi, guv'nor, there ain't no station named on this ticket!" "No; all our tickets are alike." "Then, 'ow do I know where I'm going?"] * * * * * [Illustration: HIGHLY ACCOMMODATING _Stout Party (rather hot)._ "Hope you don't find the breeze too much, sir?" _Fellow Passenger._ "Oh! not at all, sir! I rather like it!"] * * * * * [Illustration: SKYLIGHT VIEW--A RAILWAY STATION] * * * * * [Illustration: _Traveller (to Irish porter labelling luggage)._ "Don't you keep a brush for that work, porter?" _Porter._ "No, yer honour. Our tongues is the only insthrumints we're allowed. But--they're aisy kep' wet, yer honour!" [_Hint taken._] * * * * * IN A SLOW TRAIN "Look out for squalls"--on land or sea-- Where duty or where pleasure calls, A golden rule it seems to be, Look out for squalls. Yet in a train that slowly crawls Somehow it most appeals to me. For then sometimes, it so befalls, An infant on its mother's knee In my compartment Fate installs-- Which makes a nervous man, you see, Look out for squalls! * * * * * RAILWAY MAXIMS (_Perfectly at the Service of any Railway Company_) Delays are dangerous. A train in time saves nine. Live and let live. After a railway excursion, the doctor. Do not halloo till you are out of the train. Between two trains we fall to the ground. Fire and water make good servants but bad masters. A director is known by the company he keeps. A railway train is the thief of time. There is no place like home--but the difficulty is to get there. The farther you go, the worse is your fare. It's the railway pace that kills. The great charm about a railway accident is that, no matter how many lives are lost, "no blame is ever attached to any one." A railway is long, but life is short--and generally the longer a railway, the shorter your life. * * * * * A DISTINCTION WITH A DIFFERENCE.--_Disappointed Porter (to Mate)._ I thought you said he was a gentleman. _Mate._ No, that's where you mistook me. _I_ said he was a gent. * * * * * [Illustration: _Sylvanus._ "Foxes are scarce in my country; but we manage it with a drag now and then!" _Urbanus._ "Oh--er--yes. But how do you get it over the fences?"] * * * * * [Illustration: _Porter._ "Now, marm, will you please to move, or was you corded to your box?"] * * * * * [Illustration: "THERE BE LAND RATS" _Jack Ashore._ "Bill, just keep a heye on my jewel-case 'ere while I go and get the tickets. There's a lot o' sharks always cruisin' about these railway stations, I've heard!"] * * * * * [Illustration: AFTER AN EASTERTIDE FESTIVITY--ON THE INNER CIRCLE _Guard._ "Where are you for?" _Old Gent._ "I'm oright--Edgware Road." _Guard._ "Well, mind you get out this time. You've been round three times!"] * * * * * RAILWAY SCALE OF MANNERS We have often been struck with the difference of manner assumed by railway officials towards different people. Shut your eyes, and you can tell from the tone of their voices whom they are addressing. The following examples will best illustrate our meaning. The railway potentate is calling upon the passengers to get their tickets ready. He calls: To the Third Class.--_Fortissime._--"Tickets, tickets; come get your tickets ready." To the Second Class.--_Forte._--"Tickets, gents; get your tickets ready, gents." To the First Class.--_Piano._--"Get your tickets ready, gentlemen, if you please; tickets ready, if you please, gentlemen." * * * * * [Illustration: THE H GRATUITOUS _Lady._ "Can I book through from here to Oban?" _Well-educated Clerk (correcting her)._ "Holborn, you mean. No; but you can book to Broad Street, and then take a 'bus!"] * * * * * EPITAPH ON A LOCOMOTIVE. _By the sole survivor of a deplorable accident (no blame to be attached to any servants of the company)_ Collisions four Or five she bore, The signals wor in vain; Grown old and rusted, Her biler busted, And smash'd the Excursion Train. "Her End Was Pieces." * * * * * EPITAPH FOR A RAILWAY DIRECTOR.--"His life was spent on pleasant lines." * * * * * [Illustration: MUDDLEBY JUNCTION _Overworked Pointsman (puzzled)._ "Let's see!--there's the 'scursion' were due at 4.45, and it ain't in; then, afore that, were the 'mineral,'--no! that must ha' been the 'goods,'--or the 'cattle.' No! that were after,--cattle's shunting now. Let's see!--fast train came through at----Con-found!--and here comes 'the express' afore its time, and blest if I know which line she's on!!"] * * * * * TEA IN TEN MINUTES (A SONG AT A RAILWAY STATION) AIR--"_Thee, Thee, only Thee_" Ten minutes here! The sun is sinking, And longingly we've long been thinking Of Tea, Tea, fragrant Tea! The marble slabs we gather round. They're long in bringing what is wanted, The china cup with draught em-brown'd, Our thirsty souls are wholly haunted By Tea, Tea, fragrant Tea! Now then, you waiter, stir, awaken! Time's up. I'll hardly save my bacon. Tea, Tea, bring that Tea! At last! The infusion's rayther dark. But hurry up! Can't stay for ever! One swig! Br-r-r-r! Hang the cunning shark! Will't never cool? Nay, never, never! Tea, Tea, scalding Tea! More milk; don't be an hour in bringing! Heavens! That horrid bell is ringing! "Take your seats, please!" Can't _touch_ the Tea! Cup to the carriage must not take; Crockery may be lost, or broken; Refreshment sharks are wide awake. But--many a naughty word is spoken O'er Tea, Tea, scalding Tea! [Illustration] * * * * * [Illustration: BEHIND THE SCENES _Head Barmaid._ "These tarts are quite stale, Miss Hunt--been on the counter for a fortnight! _Would_ you mind taking them into the _second-class_ refreshment-room?"] * * * * * [Illustration: A LUSUS MACHINER--AE _Chatty Passenger._ "Porter! That's one of those curious tailless Manx cats, is it not?" _Crusty Porter (shortly)._ "No, 'taint. Morn'g 'xpress!" _Passenger (puzzled)._ "E--h--I don't understand----" _Porter._ "Don't yer? Well, you come and put your toe on these 'ere down metals about 9.14 a.m. to-morrow, and----" _Passenger (enlightened)._ "Ah!--I see--jus' so----" [_Retires under cover of newspaper._ * * * * * RAILWAY COMPANIONS (_By a Disagreeable Traveller_) I. I have come to the conclusion that the railway train exercises a sinister influence upon the human race. Persons who are tolerable--or even welcome--in ordinary daily life, become peculiarly obnoxious so soon as they enter the compartment of a train. No fairy prince ever stepped into a railway train--assuming he favoured that means of locomotion--without being transformed straightway into a Beast, and even Beauty herself could not be distinguished from her disagreeable sisters--in a train. Speaking for myself, railway travelling invariably brings to the surface all my worst qualities. My neighbour opposite hazards some remark. I feel immediately a fit of taciturnity coming over me, and an overpowering inclination to retreat behind a fortification of journals and magazines. On the other hand, say that I have exhausted my stock of railway literature--or, no remote possibility, that the literature has exhausted me--then I make a casual remark about the weather. The weather is not usually considered a controversial topic: in railway trains, however, it becomes so. "Rain! not a bit," says a passenger in the far corner, evidently meditating a walking tour, and he views me suspiciously as if I were a rain-producer. "And a good thing too," remarks the man opposite. "It's wanted badly, I tell you, sir--very badly. It's all very well for you holiday folk," &c., &c. And all this bad feeling because of my harmless well-intentioned remark. The window is up. "Phew!... stuffy," says the man opposite. "You don't mind, I hope, the window--eh?" "Not in the least," I say, and conceive a deadly hatred for him. I know from experience that directly that window is down all the winds of heaven will conspire to rush through, bearing upon them a smoky pall. I resign myself, therefore, to possible bronchitis and inflammation of the eye. Schoolboys, I may remark by the way, are the worst window offenders, owing to their diabolical practice of looking out of window in a tunnel--and, of course, _nothing_ ever happens to them. What's the use of expostulating after the compartment is full of yellow, choking vapour. These boys should be leashed together like dogs and conveyed in the luggage-van. The window is down. "W-h-oop," coughs an elderly man. "Do you mind, sir, that window being closed?" Polite mendacity and inward bitterness on my part towards the individual who has converted the compartment into an oven. But there are worse companions even than these, of whom I must speak another time. II. I have known people thoughtlessly speak well of the luncheon-basket. In my opinion, the luncheon-basket arouses the worst passions of human nature, and is a direct incentive to deeds of violence. To say this is to cast an aspersion upon the refreshment contractor, who is evidently a man of touchingly simple faith and high imagination. Simple faith assuredly, for does he not provide on the principle that our insides are hardy and vigorous and unspoilt by the art of cooking? High imagination most certainly, otherwise he would never call that red fluid by the name of claret. No, it is to the social rather than to the gastronomic influence of the luncheon-basket that I wish to advert. Once I procured a luncheon-basket and with it came the demon of discontent and suspicion, converting three neutral people into deadly enemies. One was a pale young man who had been scowling over Browning and making frantic notes on the margin of the book. Personally, I don't think it quite decent for pale young men to improve their minds in a public conveyance--but at any rate he had seemed harmless. Now he raised his eyes and viewed me with undisguised contempt. "Wretched glutton," he said in effect, and when accidentally I burned my mouth with mustard (which a sudden swerve had sent meandering in a yellow stream across the chicken and ham), he gave a sneering, callous smile, which reminded me that a man may smile and smile and be a--railway companion. I verily believe that youth to be capable of any crime, even Extension lecturing. Then there was a young lady reading a sixpenny Braddon, who viewed me as if I were some monster; when I shut my eyes and gulped off some--er--claret, she brought biscuits and lemonade from a small bag and refreshed herself with ostentatious simplicity, as if to say, "Look upon _this_ picture and on the wine-bibbing epicurean in the corner." An old lady with her was more amply provided for (old ladies usually take more care of their insides than anyone else in creation), but although she munched sandwiches and washed them down with sherry (probably sweet, ugh!) luxuriously, she looked with pious horror at my plates and dishes spread out. I _might_ have said, "Madam, I eat frankly and openly; my resources may be viewed by all. Your secret and delusive bags have limitless resources that you are ashamed to show." I didn't say so; but the restraint placed on myself quite spoilt the lunch. No more baskets. * * * * * [Illustration: A FORTIORI _Ticket Collector._ "Now, then, make haste! Where's your ticket?" _Bandsman (refreshed)._ "Au've lost it!" _Ticket Collector._ "Nonsense! Feel in your pockets. Ye cannot hev lost it!" _Bandsman._ "Aw cannot? Why, man, au've lost the _big drum!_"] * * * * * [Illustration: "JUST OUT!"--(AT ALL THE LIBRARIES) _First Young Lady._ "How did you like _Convict Life_, dear?" _Second Young Lady._ "Pretty well. We've just begun _Ten Years' Penal Servitude_. Some of us like it, but----" _Old Lady (mentally)._ "Good gracious! What dreadful creatures! So young, too!" [_Looks for the communicating cord!_] * * * * * [Illustration: RATHER SUSPICIOUS _First Passenger._ "Had pretty good sport?" _Second Passenger._ "No--very poor. Birds wild--rain in torrents--dogs no use. 'Only got fifty brace!" _First Passenger._ "'Make birds dear, won't it?" _Second Passenger ("off his guard")._ "You're right. I assure you I paid three-and-sixpence a brace all round at Norwich this morning!"] * * * * * [Illustration: FROM THE GENERAL TO THE PARTICULAR _Young Lady (who has never travelled by this line before)._ "Do you go to Kew Gardens?" _Booking-Clerk._ "Sometimes on a Sunday, miss, on a summer's afternoon!"] * * * * * [Illustration: A NEW RACE IN AFRICA. Arrival of the Uganda express. (Twenty minutes ahead of time.)] * * * * * [Illustration: A LITTLE FARCE AT A RAILWAY STATION _Lady._ "I want one ticket--first!" _Clerk._ "Single?" _Lady._ "Single! What does it matter to you, sir, whether I'm single or not? Impertinence!" [_Clerk explains that he meant single or return, not t'other thing._] * * * * * [Illustration: TWO VIEWS OF IT _Brown._ "Shockin' thing! You heard of poor Mullins getting his neck broken in that collision!" _Jones._ "Ah!--it's as-tonishing how lucky some fellows are! He told me 'last time I saw him he'd just insured his life for three thous'd poun's!!"] * * * * * [Illustration: INJURED INNOCENCE "Hulloa! _You've_ no call to be in here! _You_ haven't got a fust-class ticket, _I_ know." "No! I hain't!" "Well, come out! This ain't a third-class carriage!" "_Hain't_ it? Lor! Well I thought it _wos, by the look of the passingers!_"] * * * * * [Illustration: _Guard._ "Some one been smoking, I think?" _Passenger._ "What! Smoking! That's very reprehensible. Perhaps it was the clerical gentleman who has just got out of the next compartment."] * * * * * [Illustration: "NEM. CON.!" _Chatty Passenger (on G. W. Railway)._ "How plainly you can see the lights of Hanwell from the railway!" _Silent Man (in the corner)._ "Not half so plain as the lights of the train look from Hanwell!" [_All change at the next station._] * * * * * [Illustration: RECIPROCAL _Sporting Gentleman._ "Well, sir, I'm very pleased to have made your acquaintance, and had the opportunity of hearing a Churchman's views on the question of tithes. Of course, as a country landowner, I'm interested in Church matters, and----" _The Parson._ "Quite so--delighted, I'm sure. Er--by the bye, could you tell me _what's won to-day_?"] * * * * * [Illustration: RAILWAY LITERATURE _Bookstall Keeper._ "Book, ma'am? Yes, ma'am. Here's a popular work by an eminent surgeon, just published, 'Broken Legs: and How to Mend Them': or, would you like the last number of _The Railway Operator_?"] * * * * * [Illustration: SATISFACTORY _Bumptious Old Gent (in a directorial tone)._ "Ah, guard--what are we--ah--waiting for?" _Guard (with unconcern)._ "Waiting for the train to go on, sir!" [_Old Gent retires._] * * * * * [Illustration: AN UNDERGROUND SELL _First Passenger._ "They say they've put on detectives 'ere, to catch coves as travels without tickets." _Second Passenger._ "'Ave they? Well, all I can say is, _I_ can travel as often as I like from Cannon Street to Victoria, and not pay a 'apenny!" _Detective._ "See here, mate; I'll give you half-a-crown if you tell me how you do it." _Second Passenger (after pocketing the half-crown)._ "Well,--when I wants to git from Cannon Street to Victoria without payin'--_I walks!_"] * * * * * [Illustration: QUITE UP TO DATE _Cousin Madge._ "Well, good-bye, Charlie. So many thanks for taking care of us!" _Charlie._ "_Not at all!_"] * * * * * VOCES POPULI II. ON THE PLATFORM _A Lady of Family._ Oh, yes, I do travel third-class sometimes, my dear. I consider it a duty to try to know something of the lower orders. [_Looks out for an empty third-class compartment._ EN ROUTE _The seats are now all occupied: the Lady of Family is in one corner, next to a Chatty Woman with a basket, and opposite to an Eccentric-looking Man with a flighty manner._ _The Eccentric Man (to the Lady of Family)._ Sorry to disturb you, mum, but you're a-setting on one o' my 'am sandwiches. _The L. of F._???!!! _The E. M. (considerately)._ Don't trouble yourself, mum, it's of no intrinsic value. I on'y put it there to keep my seat. _The Chatty W. (to the L. of F.)._ I think I've seen you about Shinglebeach, 'ave I not? _The L. of F._ It is very possible. I have been staying with some friends in the neighbourhood. _The C. W._ It's a nice cheerful place is Shinglebeach; but (_confidentially_) don't you think it's a very sing'ler thing that in a place like that--a fash'nable place, too--there shouldn't be a single 'am an' beef shop? _The L. of F. (making a desperate effort to throw herself into the question)._ What a very extraordinary thing, to be sure! Dear, _dear_ me! No ham and beef shop! _The C. W._ It's so indeed, mum; and what's more, as I dare say you've noticed for yourself, if you 'appen to want a snack o' fried fish ever so, there isn't a place you could go to--leastways, at a moment's notice. Now, 'ow do you explain such a thing as that? _The L. of F. (faintly)._ I'm afraid I can't suggest any explanation. _A Sententious Man._ Fried fish is very sustaining. [_Relapses into silence for the remainder of journey._ _The Eccentric Man._ Talking of sustaining, I remember, when we was kids, my father ud bring us home two pennorth o' ches'nuts, and we 'ad 'em boiled, and they'd last us days. (_Sentimentally._) He was a kind man, my father (_to the L. of F., who bows constrainedly_), though you wouldn't ha' thought it, to look at him. I don't say, mind yer, that he wasn't fond of his bit o' booze--(_the L. of F. looks out of window_)--like the best of us. I'm goin' up to prove his will now, I am--if you don't believe me, 'ere's the probate. (_Hands that document round for inspection._) That's all reg'lar enough, I 'ope. (_To the L. of F._) Don't give it back before you've done with it--I'm in no 'urry, and there's good reading in it. (_Points out certain favourite passages with a very dirty forefinger._) Begin there--_that's_ my name. [_The L. of F. peruses the will with as great a show of interest as she can bring herself to assume._ _The Eccentric Man._ D'ye see that big 'andsome building over there? That's the County Lunatic Asylum--where my poor wife is shut up. I went to see her last week, I did. (_Relates his visit in detail to the L. of F., who listens unwillingly._) It's wonderful how many of our family have been in that asylum from first to last. I 'ad a aunt who died cracky; and my old mother, she's very peculiar at times. There's days when I feel as if I was a little orf my own 'ed, so if I say anything at all out of the way, you'll know what it is. [_L. of F. changes carriages at the next station. In the second carriage are two Men of seafaring appearance, and a young Man who is parting from his Fiancee as the L. of F. takes her seat._ _The Fiance._ Excuse me one moment, ma'am. (_Leans across the L. of F. and out of the window._) Well, goodbye, my girl; take care of yourself. _The Fiancee (with a hysterical giggle)._ Oh, I'll take care o' _my_ self. [_Looks at the roof of the carriage._ _He (with meaning)._ No more pickled onions, eh? _She._ What a one you are to remember things! (_After a pause._) Give my love to Joe. _He._ All right. Well, Jenny, just one, for the last (_they embrace loudly, after which the F. resumes his seat with an expression of mingled sentiment and complacency_). Oh, (_to L. of F._) if you don't mind my stepping across you again, mum. Jenny, if you see Dick between this and Friday, just tell him as---- [_Prolonged whispers; sounds of renewed kisses;_ _Final parting as train starts with a jerk which throws the Fiance upon the L. of F.'s lap. After the train is started a gleam of peculiar significance is observable in the eyes of one of the Seafaring Men, who is reclining in an easy attitude on the seat. His companion responds with a grin of intelligence, and produces a large black bottle from the rack. They drink, and hand the bottle to the Fiance._ _The F._ Thankee I don't mind if I do. Here's wishing you---- [_Remainder of sentiment drowned in sound of glug-glug-glug; is about to hand back bottle when the first Seafarer intimates that he is to pass it on. The L. of F. recoils in horror._ _Both Seafarers (reassuringly)._ It's _wine_, mum! [_Tableau. The Lady of Family realises that the study of third-class humanity has its drawbacks._ * * * * * [Illustration: _Our Artist (who has strolled into a London terminus)._ "What's the matter with all these people? Is there a panic?" _Porter._ "Panic! No, this ain't no panic. These is excursionists. Their train leaves in two hours, so they want to get a seat!"] * * * * * [Illustration: THE BRANCH STATION _Miss Tremmles (who is nervous about railways generally, and especially since the late outrages)._ "Oh, porter, put me into a carriage where there are ladies, or respectable people, or----" _Porter._ "Oh, you're all safe this mornin', miss; you're th' only passenger in the whol' tr'ine, except another old woman."] * * * * * [Illustration: A COOL CARD _Swell (handing "Sporting Life" to Clerical Party)._ "Aw--would you--aw--do me the favour to wead the list of the waces to me while we're wunning down?--I've--aw--forgotten my eyeglass. Don't mind waising your voice--I'm pwecious deaf!"] * * * * * [Illustration: THAT IT SHOULD COME TO THIS! _Boy._ "Second-class, sir?" _Captain._ "I nevah travel second-class!" _Boy._ "This way third, sir!"] * * * * * [Illustration: ART! _Chatty Passenger._ "To show yer what cheats they are, sir, friend o' mine,--lots o' money, and fust-rate taste,--give the horder to one of 'em to decorate his new 'ouse in reg'lar slap-up style!--'spare no expense!--with all the finest 'chromios' that could be 'ad! You know what lovely things they are, sir! Well, sir, would you believe it!--after they was sent, they turned out not to be 'chromios' at all!--but done by 'and!"--(_with withering contempt_)--"done by 'and, sir!!"] * * * * * [Illustration: PERMISSIVE SLAUGHTER (_Five Thousand Shunting Accidents in Five Years!_) _First Shunter (with coupling-link, awaiting engine backing)._ "I saw poor Jack's wife and kids last night, after the funeral. Poor things, what will be done for 'em?" _Second Shunter (at points)._ "Oh, the usual thing, I s'ppose--company's blessin', and a charity mangle!----Look out, mate! She's backin'!"] * * * * * [Illustration: BEHIND TIME _Ticket Collector._ "This your boy, mum? He's too big for a 'alf ticket!" _Mother (down upon him)._ "Oh, is he? Well, p'rhaps he is now, mister; but he wasn't when we started. This 'xcursion's ever so many hours be'ind time, an' he's a growin' lad! So now!" [_Exit in triumph._] * * * * * [Illustration: "FORCE OF HABIT" _Our Railway Porter (the first time he acted as deputy in the absence of the beadle)._ "T'kets r'dy! All tick-ets ready!"] * * * * * [Illustration: WHY TAKE A CHILL? If your train is not heated by pipes, get plenty of foot-warmers, as Algy and Betty did. Sit on one, put your feet on another, a couple at your back, and one on your lap, and you'll get to your destination as they did--warm as muffins!] * * * * * [Illustration: _Railway Porter._ "Now then, sir! by your leave!"] * * * * * IN THE HOT WEATHER TOO! DRAMATIS PERSONAE A Choleric Old Gentleman. A Cool Young Party. SCENE.--A Richmond Railway Carriage. TIME.--About 12 noon. _Choleric Old Gentleman (panting, puffing, perspiring)._ Hot, sir, tremendously hot. _Cool Young Party._ It is warm. _C. O. G._ Warm, sir! I call it blazing hot. Why the glass is 98 deg. in the shade! _C. Y. P._ Really! is that much? _C. O. G._ Much, sir! Immense! _C. Y. P._ Well, then, the glass is perfectly right. _C. O. G._ Right, sir! I don't understand you, sir. What do you mean by saying it is right, sir? _C. Y. P._ I mean that the glass is quite right to be as much in the shade as it can in this warm weather. [_Choleric Old Gentleman collapses._ * * * * * [Illustration: QUITE UNIMPORTANT. _Thompson (interrogatively, to beauteous but haughty damsel, whom he has just helped to alight)._ "I beg your pardon?" _Haughty Damsel._ "I did not speak!" _Thompson._ "Oh--I thought you said 'Thanks'!"] * * * * * [Illustration: THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE LEFT UNSAID "I'm afraid we shan't have this compartment to ourselves any longer, Janet." "Oh, it's all right, aunty darling. If you put your head out of window, I dare say nobody will come in!"] * * * * * [Illustration: A SCENE AT A RAILWAY STATION _Groom._ "Beg pardon, sir,--but wos your name Tomkins?" _Tomkins._ "Yes!" _Groom._ "If you please, sir, master says he wos werry sorry as he couldn't send the feeaton--but, as his young 'oss wanted exercise, he thought you wouldn't mind ridin' of 'im!" [_Tomkins bursts into a cold perspiration._] * * * * * SUBURBAN HOSPITALITY. SCENE--_A mile and a half to the railway station, on a bitter winter's night._ _Genial Host (putting his head out of doors)._ Heavens! what a night! Not fit to turn a dog out! (_To the parting guest._) Well, good-night, old chap. I hope you find your way to the station. * * * * * [Illustration: A LUXURIOUS HABIT _Philanthropist (to railway porter)._ "Then what time do you get to bed?" _Porter._ "Well, I seldom what yer may call gets to bed myself, 'cause o' the night trains. But my brother, as used to work the p'ints further down the line, went to bed last Christmas after the accident, and never----" [_Train rushes in, and the parties rush off._] * * * * * HARD LINES ON INDIVIDUALS.--The compulsory purchase of land by a railway company is insult added to injury. The buyers take a site in the seller's face. * * * * * "THE ROLL OF THE AGES."--The penny roll at railway refreshment-rooms. * * * * * [Illustration: "THE OTHER WAY ABOUT" _Irate Passenger (as train is moving off)._ "Why the ---- didn't you put my luggage in as I told you--you old ----" _Porter._ "E--h, man! yer baggage es na sic a fule as yersel. Ye're i' the wrang train!"] * * * * * [Illustration: _Railway Porter._ "Dogs not allowed inside the carriages, sir!" _Countryman._ "What not a little tooy tarrier? Wall, thee'd better tak' un oot then, young man!"] * * * * * THE PORTER'S SLAM [A meeting at Manchester raised a protest against the nuisance caused by the needlessly loud "slamming" of railway carriage doors.] The porter has a patent "slam," Which smites one like a blow, And everywhere that porter comes That "slam" is sure to go. It strikes upon the tym-pa-num Like shock of dynamite; By day it nearly makes you dumb-- It deafens you at night. When startled by the patent "slam" The pious "pas-sen-jare," Says something else that ends in "am" (Or he has patience rare). Not only does it cause a shock, But--Manchester remarks-- "Depreciates the rolling stock," Well, that is rather larks! _That's_ not the point. The porter's slam Conduces to insanity, And, though as mild as Mary's lamb, Drives men to loud profanity. If Manchester the "slam" can stay By raising of a stir, All railway-travellers will say, "Bully for Man-ches-ter!" * * * * * [Illustration: MANNERS AND CVSTOMS OF YE ENGLYSHE IN 1849 A raylway statyon. Showynge ye travellers refreshynge themselves.] MR. PIPS HIS DIARY _Tuesday, July 31, 1849._--Prevailed upon by my wife to carry her to Bath, as she said, to go see her aunt Dorothy, but I know she looked more to the pleasure of her trip than any thing else; nevertheless I do think it necessary policy to keep in with her aunt, who is an old maid and hath a pretty fortune; and to see what court and attention I pay her though I do not care 2_d._ about her! But am mightily troubled to know whether she hath sunk her money in an annuity, which makes me somewhat uneasy at the charge of our journey, for what with fare, cab-hire, and vails to Dorothy's servants for their good word, it did cost me altogether _L_6 2_s._ 6_d._ To the Great Western station in a cab, by reason of our luggage; for my wife must needs take so many trunks and bandboxes, as is always the way with women: or else we might have gone there for 2_s._ 6_d._ less in an omnibus. Did take our places in the first class notwithstanding the expense, preferring both the seats and the company; and also because if any necks or limbs are broken I note it is generally in the second and third classes. So we settled, and the carriage-doors slammed to, and the bell rung, the train with a whistle off like a shot, and in the carriage with me and my wife a mighty pretty lady, a Frenchwoman, and I did begin to talk French with her, which my wife do not well understand, and by and by did find the air too much for her where she was sitting, and would come and take her seat between us, I know, on purpose. So fell a reading the _Times_, till one got in at Hanwell, who seemed to be a physician, and mighty pretty discourse with him touching the manner of treating madmen and lunatics, which is now by gentle management, and is a great improvement on the old plan of chains and the whip. Also of the foulness of London for want of fit drainage, and how it do breed cholera and typhus, as sure as rotten cheese do mites, and of the horrid folly of making a great gutter of the river. So to Swindon station, where the train do stop ten minutes for refreshment, and there my wife hungry, and I too with a good appetite, notwithstanding the discourse about London filth. So we out, and to the refreshment-room with a crowd of passengers, all pushing, and jostling, and trampling on each others' toes, striving which should get served first. With much ado got a basin of soup for my wife, and for myself a veal and ham pie, and to see me looking at my watch and taking a mouthful by turns; and how I did gulp a glass of Guinness his stout! Before we had half finished, the guard rang the bell, and my wife with a start, did spill her soup over her dress, and was obliged to leave half of it; and to think how ridiculous I looked, scampering back to the train with my meat-pie in my mouth! To run hurry-skurry at the sound of a bell, do seem only fit for a gang of workmen; and the bustle of railways do destroy all the dignity of travelling; but the world altogether is less grand, and do go faster than formerly. Off again, and to the end of our journey, troubled at the soup on my wife's dress, but thankful I had got my change, and not left it behind me at the Swindon station. * * * * * [Illustration: NARCISSUS _Little Podgers (who considers himself rather a lady-killer)._ "Oh, I'm not going into that empty carriage; put me into one with some pretty gals." Porter. "You jump in, sir, and put yer 'ead out of the winder, you'll soon have a carriage-full." [Podgers sees it immediately, and enters.] * * * * * [Illustration: _Lionel (to his rich uncle's coachman, who has driven him over to the station)._ "And look here, Sawyer, give the governor this accidental insurance ticket with my love. I haven't forgotten him, and if anything happens to me, there's a thousand pounds for him!"] * * * * * [Illustration: "COMPLIMENTS OF THE SEASON" _Guest._ "It's very kind of you to----" _Hosts._ "Oh, we should not have felt comfortable unless we'd come with you, and--seen the last of you----!!"] * * * * * SMALL POTATOES.--_Q._ Why are regular travellers by the Shepherd's Bush and City Railway like certain vegetables? _A._ Because they're "Tubers." * * * * * [Illustration: INOPPORTUNE _Newsboy (to irritable old gent who has just lost his train)._ "Buy a comic paper, sir?" [_Luckily, the old gentleman was out of breath from his hurry._] * * * * * THE TYMPANUM (_A Remonstrance at a Railway Station_) The tympanum! The tympanum! Oh! who will save the aural drum By softening to some gentler squeak The whistle's shrill _staccato_ shriek? Oh! Engine-driver, did you know How your blast smites one like a blow, An inward shock, a racking strain, A knife-like thrust of poignant pain, Whilst groping through the tunnel murk You would not with that fiendish jerk Let out that _sudden_ blast of steam Whose screaming almost makes _us_ scream Thy whistle weird perchance may be A sad and sore necessity, But cannot Law and sense combine To--well, in short to draw the line?-- Across the open let it shrill From moor to moor, from hill to hill, But in the tunnel's crypt-like gloom, The station's cramped reverberant room, A gentler, _graduated_ blast! _Do_ let it loose, whilst dashing past, So shall it spare us many a pang; That dread explosive bursting "bang" Which nearly splits the aural drum, The poor long-suffering tympanum! * * * * * [Illustration: "THE BLOCK SYSTEM" _Affable Old Lady (to ticket clerk--morning express just due)._ "No, I'm not going up this morning, but one of your penny time-tables, if you please; and can you tell me"--(_Shouts from the crowd_, "Now then, mum!")--"if the 10.45 stops at Dribblethorp Junction, and if Shandry's 'bus meets the trains, which it always does on market days, I know, 'cause my married sister's cousin, as is a farmer, generally goes by it. But if it don't come o' Toosday as well as Wednesday, I shall have to get out at Shuntbury and take a fly, which runs into money, you know, when you're by yourself like. If you'll be good enough to look out the trains--and change for half a sovereign, if you please. Oh no, I'm in no hurry, as I ain't a goin' till next week. Fine morn----" [_Bell rings. Position stormed._] * * * * * WONDERS OF MODERN TRAVEL Wonder whether accidents will be as numerous as usual during this excursion season. Wonder if a train, conveying third-class passengers, was ever known to start without somebody or other exclaiming, "_Now_ we're off!" Wonder why it is that foreigners in general, and fat Germans in particular, always will persist in smoking with the windows shut. Wonder whether anybody was ever known to bellow out the name of any station in such a manner that a stranger could succeed in understanding him. Wonder whether it is cheaper to pay for broken bones, or for such increase of service as, in very many cases, might prevent their being broken. Wonder how a signalman can by any means contrive to keep a cool head on his shoulders, while working as one sees him in a signal-box of glass, and the temperature of the tropics. Wonder if upon an average there are three men in a thousand who have never been puzzled by the hieroglyphics in _Bradshaw_. Wonder whether any railway guard or porter has ever been detected in the very act of virtuously declining to accept a proffered tip, on the ground that money, by the bye-laws, is forbidden to be taken by servants of the company. Wonder how many odd coppers the boys who sell the newspapers pocket in a week by the benevolence of passengers. Wonder what diminution there would be in the frequency of accidents, supposing directors were made purse-onally liable. Wonder whether people take to living at Redhill because it is so redhilly accessible by railway. TO THE STATION. Wonder if my watch is right, or slow, or fast. Wonder if that church clock is right. Wonder if the cabman will take eighteenpence from my house to the station. THE STATION. Wonder if the porter understood what I said to him about the luggage. Wonder if I shall see him again. Wonder if I shall know him when I _do_ see him again. Wonder if I gave my writing-case to the porter or left it in the cab. Wonder where I take my ticket. Wonder in which pocket I put my gold. Wonder where I got that bad half-crown which the clerk won't take. Wonder if that's another that I've just put down. Wonder where the porter is who took my luggage. Wonder where my luggage is. Wonder again whether I gave my writing-case to the porter, or left it in the cab. Wonder which is my train. Wonder if the guard knows anything about that porter with the writing-case. Wonder if it _will_ be "all right" as the guard says it will be. Wonder if my luggage, being now labelled, will be put into the proper van. Wonder if I've got time to get a sandwich and a glass of sherry. Wonder if they've got the _Times_ of the day before yesterday, which I haven't seen. Wonder if _Punch_ of this week is out yet. Wonder why they don't keep nice sandwiches and sherry. Wonder if there's time for a cup of coffee instead. Wonder if that's our bell for starting. Wonder which is the carriage where I left my rug and umbrella, so as to know it again. Wonder where the guard is to whom I gave a shilling to keep a carriage for me. Wonder why he didn't keep it; by "it," I mean the carriage. Wonder where they've put my luggage. THE JOURNEY. Wonder if my change is all right. Wonder for the second time in which pocket I put my gold. Wonder if I gave the cabman a sovereign for a shilling. Wonder if that was the reason why he grumbled less than usual and drove off rapidly. Wonder if any one objects to smoking. Wonder that nobody does. Wonder where I put my lights. Wonder whether I put them in my writing-case. Wonder for the third time whether I gave my writing-case to the porter or left it in the cab. Wonder if anybody in the carriage has got any lights. Wonder that nobody has. Wonder when we can get some. Wonder if there's anything in the paper. Wonder why they don't cut it. Wonder if I put my knife in my writing-case. Wonder for the fourth time whether I gave, &c. Wonder if I can cut the paper with my ticket. Wonder where I put my ticket. Wonder where I _could_ have put my ticket. Wonder where the deuce I put my ticket. Wonder how I came to put my ticket in my right-hand waistcoat pocket. Wonder if I can read by this lamp-light in the tunnel. Wonder (to myself) why they don't light the carriages in a better way. Wonder (to my fellow-passengers) that the company don't provide better lights for their carriages. Fellow-passengers say they wonder at that, too. We all wonder. Wonder what makes the carriages wiggle-waggle about so. Wonder if we're going off the line. Wonder what station we stop at first. Wonder if there will be a refreshment-room there. Wonder (for the fifth time) whether I gave my writing-case to the porter, or left it in the cab. Wonder if I left the key of my writing-case in the lock. Wonder what the deuce I shall do if I've lost it. FIRST STATION. Wonder if this is Tringham or Upper Tringham. Wonder if it's Tringham Junction. Wonder if we change here for Stonnhurst. Wonder if any one understands what the guard says. Wonder if any one understands what the porter says. Wonder where the refreshment-room is. Wonder if I run across eight lines of rail, and over two platforms, to where I see the refreshment-room is, whether I shall ever be able to get back to my own carriage. Wonder (while I am crossing) whether any of the eight trains, on any of the eight lines, will come in suddenly. REFRESHMENT-ROOM. Wonder what's the best thing to take. Wonder whether soup's a good thing. Wonder whether the waiter heard me ask for soup, because I've changed my mind, and will have some tea. Wonder if the young lady at the counter knows that I've asked for tea, twice. Wonder if those buns are stale. Wonder if tea goes well with buns. Wonder what _does_ go with buns. Wonder, having begun on buns, whether it wouldn't have been better to ask for sherry. Wonder if this tea will ever be cool. Wonder if that's our bell for starting. Wonder if the young lady at the counter is deceiving me when she says I've got exactly a minute and a half. Wonder if anybody's looking at me while I put my tea in the saucer. Wonder if that _is_ our bell. Wonder if I shall have time to get back to my carriage. Wonder how much tea and buns come to. Wonder where I put my small change. Wonder, having nothing under half-a-crown, if I could get off without paying. Wonder they don't keep change ready. Wonder as I'm recrossing the lines whether any train will come in suddenly. THE PLATFORM. Wonder which is my carriage. Wonder (to guard familiarly) why they don't provide better lights for the carriages. Guard says, he wonders at that, too. Every one seems to wonder at that. Wonder (to guard again) if I can get a hot-water bottle for my feet anywhere. Guard wonders they don't keep 'em. Wonder (to guard once more) if I've time to go across the line, get my change out of the half-crown for buns and tea, and return to my carriage. Wonder if the guard is right in saying that we shall start directly. Wonder I forgot to ask the guard all about my luggage. THE CARRIAGE. Wonder, being safely in my seat, that there are not more accidents from people crossing the rails in a large station. Wonder why there's not a refreshment-room on either side. Wonder why they always come for your tickets after you've made yourself comfortable. Wonder where the dickens I put my ticket. Wonder, supposing I can't find it, whether the man will believe I ever had one. Wonder, on this matter being settled satisfactorily, which is the best pocket for keeping tickets in. Wonder why they can't shut the carriage-doors without banging them. THE JOURNEY (CONTINUED). Wonder if anybody thought of getting any lights. Wonder if I should have had time to cross over to the refreshment-room and get the change out of my half-crown. Wonder (to my opposite neighbour) what county we're passing through. He wonders, too. We both look out of our own side windows, and go on wondering. Wonder if that protracted shrill steam-whistle means danger. Opposite neighbour wonders if it does. Wonder why we're stopping; 'tisn't a station. Wonder what's the matter. Wonder what it is. Wonder what it _can_ be. Wonder if it's dangerous to put one's head out of window. Wonder if the engine has broken down. Wonder if there's anything on the line. Wonder if the express is behind us. Wonder if that man on the line is making a danger signal. Wonder (as we are moving again) what it was. Wonder passengers can't have some direct means of communicating with a guard. Wonder how long we shall be before we get to Stonnhurst. THE JOURNEY (CONCLUDED). Wonder if that's my portmanteau that that elderly gentleman is taking away with him. Wonder if they'll send to meet me at the station. Wonder (if they don't send) whether there's a fly or an omnibus. Wonder where their house is. Wonder if the station-master knows where their house is. Wonder what a fly will charge. Wonder what I shall do if they don't send, and there isn't a fly or an omnibus. Wonder what time they dine. Wonder if I shall have time to write a letter before dinner. Wonder, for the sixth time, whether I gave my writing-case to the guard, or left it in the cab. Wonder if I _did_ leave it in the cab. Wonder if this is where I get out. SMALL STATION. Wonder if the guard is right in saying that, as I'm going to Redditon, it doesn't matter whether I get out at the next station, Stonnhurst, or Morley Vale, the next but one. Wonder for which place my luggage was labelled. Wonder whether after getting out at Stonnhurst I shall have to go back for my luggage to Morley Vale. Wonder if I do right in deciding upon getting out at Stonnhurst. STONNHURST. Wonder if my luggage has gone on to Morley Vale. Wonder if I left my umbrella in the carriage, or forgot to bring it. Wonder how far it is from Stonnhurst to Morley Vale. Wonder if they've sent a trap to meet me at Morley Vale. Wonder why, when people invite one to come down to some out-of-the-way place, they don't tell one all these difficulties in their letter. Wonder if they'll have sense enough to drive to Stonnhurst from Morley Vale. Wonder if I shall meet them on the road if I walk there. Wonder which _is_ the road. Wonder, in answer to demand at the station-door, where I put my ticket. Wonder if I dropped it in the carriage. Wonder what I can have done with it. Wonder if I put it into the side pocket of my overcoat when I took out my lights. Wonder where the deuce my overcoat is. * * * * * [Illustration: SCENE--_Chancery Lane "Tube" Station._ _First Lift Man._ "A good time comin' for me, mate. What O, for a bit of a chinge!" _Second Lift Man._ "What's up, then?" _First Lift Man (in impressive tones)._ "Got shifted to the _Bank_--beginnin' Monday!"] * * * * * [Illustration: FOND DELUSION _First Tourist (going north)._ "Hullo, Tompk----" _Second Ditto (ditto, ditto)._ "Hsh----sh! Confound it, you'll spoil all. They think in the train I'm a Highland chief!!"] * * * * * [Illustration: FOR LADIES ONLY "RESERVED CARRIAGES." (_See "Day by Day" in "Daily News"_) "If you travel in one, you run greater risks than in travelling in the ordinary carriages. I have known railway officials allow men to jump into them at the last moment before the train starts, with a mutual wink at each other and a very objectionable grin."] * * * * * [Illustration: A DISENCHANTMENT _Northern Croesus._ "Oh! I'm so glad to meet you here, Mr. Vandyke Brown. The fact is, I've a _commission_ for you!" _Our Youthful Landscape Painter (dissembling his rapture)._ "All right--most happy--what is it to be?" _Northern Croesus._ "Well--my aged grandmother is going to London by this train--and I want to put her under your protection." [_Our Youthful Landscape Painter dissembles again._] * * * * * [Illustration: PATENT FIRST-CLASS COSTUME FOR THE COLLISION SEASON _Traveller._ "Yes, it's decidedly warm, but there's a feeling of security about it I rather like." (_Yawns._) "Any chance of a smash to-day!?" [_Drops off to sleep!_] * * * * * [Illustration: JUDGING BY APPEARANCES _Undersized Youth._ "Now then, first return, Surbiton, and look sharp! How much?" _Clerk._ "Three shillings. Half-price under twelve!"] * * * * * [Illustration: COLD COMFORT _Traveller (waiting for train already twenty minutes late)._ "Porter, when do you expect that train to come in?" _Porter._ "Can't say, sir. But the longer you waits for it, the more sure 'tis to come in the next minute."] * * * * * [Illustration: "THE NURSERY SALOON ON THE RAILWAY" OUR ARTIST'S NOTION OF WHAT WE MAY EXPECT IF THE SUGGESTION WERE ADOPTED The saloon is Patent swing Rattles can Efficient nurse The saloon fitted with sleeping cradles be obtained guards, to look is fitted refreshment can be secured at most of after the with amusing bar, replete by wire or the large babies, travel toys, to with all baby letter. stations. by all trains. beguile delicacies. the tedium of long journeys.] * * * * * [Illustration: RAILWAY PUZZLE To find the name of the station.] * * * * * [Illustration: VICARIOUS! (_On the Underground Railway_) _Irascible Old Gentleman (who is just a second too late)._ "Confound and D----!" _Fair Stranger (who feels the same, but dare not express it)._ "Oh, thank you, _so_ much!"] * * * * * [Illustration: UNDERGROUND RAILWAY _Old Lady._ "Well, I'm sure no woman with the least sense of decency would think of going down _that_ way to it."] * * * * * [Illustration: REGULAR IRREGULARITY _Passenger (in a hurry)._ "Is this train punctual?" _Porter._ "Yessir, generally a quarter of an hour late to a minute!"] * * * * * [Illustration: _Perspiring Countryman (who has just, with the utmost difficulty, succeeded in catching train)._ "Phew! Just saved it by t'skin o' my _teeth_!"] * * * * * [Illustration: "'TIS BETTER NOT TO KNOW" _Impudent Boy (generally)._ "Try yer weight--only a penny!" (_To lady of commanding proportions in particular._) "'Tell yer 'xact weight to a hounce, mum!"] * * * * * [Illustration: APPALLING DISCLOSURES OVERHEARD BY AN OLD LADY IN THE CONVERSATION BETWEEN TWO RUFFIANS IN A RAILWAY CARRIAGE. _First Artist._ "Children don't seem to me to sell now as they used." _Second Artist (in a hoarse whisper)._ "Well, I was at Stodge's yesterday. He'd just knocked off three little girls' heads--horrid raw things--a dealer came in, sir--bought 'em directly--took 'em away, wet as they were, on the stretchers, and wanted Stodge to let him have some more next week."] * * * * * [Illustration: NECESSITIES OF LIFE "Yes, my lady. James went this morning with the hunters, and I've sent on the heavy luggage with Charles. But I've got your pencil-case, the bicycle, your ladyship's golf clubs and hunting crop and billiard cue, the lawn tennis racket, the bezique cards and markers, your ladyship's betting book and racing glasses and skates and walking-stick--and if I've forgotten anything I can easily wire back for it from the first station we stop at."] * * * * * [Illustration: A STRIKING ATTITUDE Patience on a trunk waiting for a cab] * * * * * [Illustration: THE RAILWAY JUGGERNAUT OF 1845] * * * * * [Illustration: AFTER A DERBY-WINNER-DINNER _Diner._ "Ticket." _Clerk._ "What station?" _Diner._ "Wha-stashun ve-you-got?"] * * * * * [Illustration: "THINGS ARE NOT WHAT THEY SEEM" _Mr. Foozler (who, while waiting for the last train, has wandered to the end of the platform, opened the door of the signal-box, and watched the signalman's manipulations of the levers for some moments with hazy perplexity, suddenly)._ "Arf o' Burt'n 'n birrer f' me, guv'nor!"] * * * * * [Illustration: "Third-class single to Ruswarp, please, and a dog ticket. How much?" "Fourpence-halfpenny--threepence for the dog, and three-halfpence for yourself." "Ah! you reckon by _legs_ on this line."] * * * * * [Illustration: THE QUESTION SETTLED _Mrs. M-l-pr-p._ "The fact is, my love, that these terrible collusions would never occur if the trains was only more punctilious!"] * * * * * A NEEDLESS PANIC.--Mrs. Malaprop is puzzled to know what people mean when they talk of the present alarming Junction of affairs. She hopes it has nothing to do with the railways, in which she has some Deference shares. * * * * * THOUGHT BY A RAILWAY DIRECTOR.--Britannia used to rule the waves. She now rules the land--with lines. * * * * * [Illustration: THE OLD HALL] (_A Story of Delusive Aspirations_) 1. Jones was a tuft-hunter. One day, in a train, he encountered an elderly gentleman who aroused great interest in his bosom. "Porter," said that elderly gentleman, "'ave you seen my old hall?" "Got an old hall!" murmured Jones to himself. "Rich man--probably duke! Should like to cultivate him!" 2. The stranger was affable. "Did you ever 'ave an old hall?" he said. "Why--er--n-no," said Jones. "Very convenient thing to 'ave," said the stranger. "I've got all manner o' things in my old hall." "Ah--armour, and ancestors, and tapestry, and secret doors, no doubt," thought Jones to himself. 3. "You must see my old hall," said the stranger. "I'll show you all the ins and outs of it. I can put you up----" "Really very good of you!" exclaimed Jones. "Shall be delighted to accept----" "Put you up to no hend of wrinkles about old halls," continued the stranger. 4. They alighted at the terminus. "There--there's my old hall! Hain't it a beauty?" said the stranger. Jones sank slowly to the earth, without a groan. That ungrammatical stranger's vaunted possession was a hold-all. * * * * * RULES FOR THE RAIL A REMINISCENCE OF THE BAD OLD DAYS The President of the Board of Trade having sent a circular to the railway companies with reference to making provisions for the prevention of accidents and the enforcement of punctuality, especially in connection with the running of excursion trains at this period of the year, the following regulations will probably come under consideration. 1. In future one line will be kept (when feasible) for up trains, whilst the other is reserved for the use of down-trains. This rule will not apply to luggage and mineral trains, and trains inaccurately shunted on to lines on which they (the trains) have no right to travel. 2. Station-masters should never permit a train to start more than forty minutes late, except when very busy with the company's accounts. 3. As complaints have been made that signalmen are overworked, these officers in future will occupy their boxes during the morning only. During the rest of the day the boxes will be closed. That the public may suffer no inconvenience by this arrangement, the trains will continue running by day and by night as heretofore. 4. A pointsman will be expected to notice all signals and to obey them. He will be required, before leaving his post (when on duty), to order one of his children to look after the points during his absence. The child he selects for this office should be at least three years old. 5. The driver and stoker in charge of an engine should never sleep at the same time unless they have taken proper precautions beforehand to prevent an excessive consumption of the company's fuel. 6. When a luggage train is loading or unloading beside the platform of a station, it will be desirable to recollect the time at which an express is due, as unnecessary collisions cause much damage to the rolling stock, and not unfrequently grave inconvenience to first-class passengers. 7. The _debris_ of a train should be removed from the rails before an express is permitted to enter the tunnel in which an accident has taken place. As non-compliance with this rule is likely to cause much delay to the traffic, it should be obeyed when feasible. 8. As guards of excursion trains have been proved to be useless, their places will in future be filled by surgeons. Passengers are particularly requested to give no fees to the surgeons accompanying these trains, as the salaries of these officials will be provided for in the prices charged to the public for excursion tickets. 9. In future, contracts from surgeons and chemists will be accepted on the same terms as those already received from refreshment caterers. 10. The public having frequently experienced inconvenience in having to leave the station when requiring medical attention, in future the waiting-rooms of the third-class passengers will be converted into surgeries for first-class passengers. As these saloons will be fitted with all the latest inventions in surgical instruments, a small extra charge will be made to passengers using them. 11. The directors (in conclusion) fully recognising the responsibility conferred upon them by the shareholders, if not by the public, will expel from their body in future (as a person evidently of unsound mind) any director convicted of travelling by any railway. * * * * * [Illustration: ABOLITION OF SECOND-CLASS CARRIAGES "Are there any second-class carriages on this line, Rogers?" "No, my lord." "Ah! then take two first-class tickets, and two third." "Beg pardon, my lord! But is me and Mrs. Parker expected to go third class?" "Gracious heavens! No, Rogers! not for the world! The third-class tickets are for my lady and me!"] * * * * * [Illustration: The old lady is supposed (after a great effort) to have made up her mind to travel, just for once, by one "of those new fangled railways," and the first thing she beholds on arriving at the station, is the above most alarming placard.] * * * * * [Illustration: "TIME BY THE FORELOCK"! _Dodger._ "Hullo, how are you! Can't stop, though, or I shan't miss my train!" _Codger._ "Catch it, you mean." _Dodger._ "No, I don't. I always used to miss my right train, so now I always miss the one before it, and get home in time for dinner! Ta, ta!"] * * * * * [Illustration: APRIL 1 _Mamma._ "Oh, I am so glad to meet you, professor. You _know everything_. Do tell me what time the train that stops nowhere starts." [_For once the professor is not ready._] * * * * * [Illustration: UNNECESSARY REMARKS "What! Have you missed it?"] * * * * * [Illustration: "OVERCAST" They were out for a day in the country--were late at the station--he left it to her to take the tickets--a horrid crowd--frightfully hot--and she was hustled and flustered considerably when she reached the carriage. _He (cool and comfortable)._ "How charming the yellow gorse----" _She (in a withering tone)._ "You didn't 'xpect to see it blue, I s'ppose!" [_Tacet!_] * * * * * [Illustration: A DELIGHTFUL REMINISCENCE OF THE BOAT-RACE _Sweep (to a carriage full of light blue ribbons)._ "Won't yer make room for a little 'un, ladies and gents? I'm for the Cambridge lot!"] * * * * * [Illustration: PRIVILEGES OF HIGH RANK _Railway Gatesman._ "It's agin the rules, my lady, openin' o' the gate like this; but it ain't for the likes o' me to keep yer _ladyship_ a waitin'." _Noble Countess._ "Why is it against the rules, my good man?" _Railway Gatesman._ "Well, my lady, the 5.17 down express has been doo these ten minutes!"] * * * * * [Illustration: "THE NEWS" _Season-Ticket Holder (airily)._ "'Morning, station-master. Anything fresh?" _Station-Master ("bit of a wag")._ "N-no, sir, not that I've---- ah!--yes--now I think of it, sir--that's fresh paint you're leaning agai----!" [_Violent pas seul, with language to match._] * * * * * BLACKFRIARS TO SLOANE SQUARE The man who got in at Blackfriars Was smoking the foulest of briars, But it went out all right-- Could I give him a light?-- Hadn't got one--well, all men are liars. I've frequently noticed the Temple Is a place there are not enough rhymes to; And that's why I've made This verse somewhat blank, And rather disregarded the metre. How _do_ you pronounce Charing Cross? It's a point where I'm quite at a loss. Some people, of course, Would rhyme it with "horse," But I always rhyme it with "hoss." A woman at Westminster Bridge Had got just a speck on the ridge Of her Romanesque nose. "It's a black, I suppose," She observed. Then it flew--'twas a midge. One man from the Park of St. James, Had really the loftiest aims; In the hat-rack he sat, Used my hair as a mat, And when I demurred called me names. I bought from the stall at Victoria A horrible sixpenny story, a Book of a kind It pained me to find For sale at our English emporia. I found when I got to Sloane Square That my ticket was gone; my despair Was awful to see, Till at last to my glee I looked in my hat--it was there! * * * * * [Illustration: A REAL GRIEVANCE _Porter at Junction._ "Phew! All this luggage registered in advance and not a bloomin' tip do I get for handling it."] * * * * * [Illustration: SO LIKELY! SCENE--_Bar of a railway refreshment-room._ _Barmaid._ "Tea, sir?" _Mr. Boozy._ "Tea!!! ME!!!!"] * * * * * AS SHYLOCK SAID.--_Railway shareholder, with shares at a discount._ "Give me my principal, and let me go." * * * * * [Illustration: A SPEEDY RETRIBUTION _Small Boy._ "'Arf ticket ter Baker Street." [_Pays, and awaits delivery of ticket_ _Clerk._ "It's a shameful thing, a kid like you smoking!" _Small Boy (indignantly)._ "Who are yer callin' a kid? I'm fourteen!" _Clerk._ "Oh, are you? Then you pay full fare to Baker Street!"] * * * * * [Illustration: A HINT TO RAILWAY TRAVELLERS By breathing on the glass--and holding a speaking doll by way of baby to the window--you may generally keep your compartment select.] * * * * * SOMEBODY'S LUGGAGE If you see half-a-dozen new patent leather covered basket-trunks with a name written upon all of them, in staring white characters, accompanied by a gigantic portmanteau and three hat-boxes, you may know that the Honourable Lionel and Rowena Silverspoon have started on their wedding-tour. If you see a weather-beaten portmanteau, accompanied by a neat little trunk and a pretty little birdcage, you may know that Edwin and Angelina Dovecot are going to Ventnor for the honeymoon. If you see a big carpet-bag, accompanied by a large white umbrella and a tin colour-box, you may know that Daub, A. R. A., is going to Brittany in search of subjects. If you see an overcrowded portmanteau, accompanied by a double-locked despatch-box, you may know that urgent private affairs have induced Captain Bubble (Promoter of Public Companies) to leave the City hurriedly for Spain. If you see a small bundle, accompanied by a pair of handcuffs, you may know that urgent public affairs have induced Sergeant Smart (of the Detective Police) to follow the same _route_ taken by Captain Bubble _en voyage_ for Spain. If you see twenty-four patent reversible extra waterproof holdalls, with all the latest improvements, painted blue, green, yellow, and red, and covered with hotel labels, accompanied by thirty-seven deal packing cases, you may know that Colonel Jerusalem R. X. E. Squash, U.S.A., and family are engaged in "doing" Europe. If you see fifteen trunks, all more or less damaged, accompanied by an old portmanteau and a double perambulator, you may know that Mr. and Mrs. Paterfamilias and children are going to Herne Bay for a month. If you see, in conclusion, a neat knapsack and a spiked walking-stick, you may know that _Mr. Punch_ is off to Switzerland to enjoy himself. * * * * * [Illustration: ADJUSTMENT _Our Station-Master (to old Jinks, whom he had kindly provided with a foot-warmer on a journey down the line to see his sick daughter)._ "Well, did you find the benefit of it, Master Jinks?" _Old Jinks._ "Oh, aye, thankee, Mr. Green! Tha' there box o' hot water tha' wor uncommon' comfor'able, sure-ly! I sat on 'm the whol' o' the way, an' tha' did warm me up to-rights, I can tell 'ee!!"] * * * * * [Illustration: _Passenger._ "Well, you say you've put all my luggage safe, what are you waiting for?--I thought you were forbidden to take money!" _Porter._ "So we is, sir. We never 'takes' it--it's 'given to us!'"] * * * * * [Illustration: THE LIMITED MALE.] * * * * * SONG FOR ENGINE-DRIVERS BEFORE A COLLISION.--"Whistle--and I'll come to you, my lad." * * * * * "READING between the lines" is a dangerous occupation--when there's a train coming. * * * * * THE HIGH-METALLED RACER.--A locomotive engine. * * * * * [Illustration: A DEFINITION WANTED "Beg pardon, sir, but don't you see the notice?" "Yes, my good fellow, but I never said I was a gentleman!"] * * * * * MY SEASON TICKET Ever against my breast, Safe in my pocket pressed, Ready at my behest, Daintily pretty Gilt-printed piece of leather, Though fair or foul the weather, Daily we go together Up to the City. Yet, as I ride at ease, Papers strewn on my knees, And I hear "Seasons, please!" Shouted in warning: Pockets I search in vain All through and through again; "Pray do not stop the train-- Lost it this morning. No, I have not a card, Nor can I pay you, guard-- Truly my lot is hard, This is the reason, Now I recall to mind Changing my clothes, I find I left them all behind,-- Money, cards, 'season.'" * * * * * MOTTO FOR THE SOUTH-EASTERN COMPANY'S REFRESHMENT ROOMS.--"O Swallow, Swallow, flying, flying south!" * * * * * [Illustration: AN INQUIRING MIND "Is this _our_ train, aunty?" "No, dear." "Whose train is it?"] * * * * * [Illustration: ["An 'Imperial Railway Administration' is now a part of Chinese bureaucracy."--_Daily Paper._] If China is to have railways, of course the dragon must enter into the design of the locomotives, &c., as above.] * * * * * [Illustration: MASHONALAND RAILWAY ["Sir Charles Metcalfe, the engineer, is now busy at Umtali arranging for the station at that place."--_Daily Telegraph._] Umtali station in the near future. The Boo-Boola express just due.] * * * * * [Illustration: THE FLYING SCOTCHMAN] * * * * * AT A RAILWAY STATION Never the time and the train And the station all together! My watch--set "fast" in vain! Slow cab--and foggy weather! I have missed the express again. It was all the porter's fault, not mine, But his mind is narrow, his brain is bleak, His slowness and red tape combine To make him take about a week To label my bag--and he dared to speak, When I bade him hurry, bad words, in fine! O epithet all incarnadine, Leave, leave the lips of the working-man! It is simply past All bounds--aghast My indignation scarce hold I can. My watch may have helped to thus mislead, My cab by the fog have been stayed indeed; But still, however these things may be, Out there on the platform wrangle we-- Oh, hot and strong slang I and he, --I and he! * * * * * [Illustration: SYMPATHY _Passenger (in a whisper, behind his paper, to Wilkins, who had been "catching it" from the elder lady)._ "Mother-'n-law?" _Wilkins (in still fainter whisper)._ "Ye'" _Passenger._ "'Got just such 'nother!" [_They console together at the next buffet._] * * * * * THE ROUGH'S RAILWAY GUIDE [Illustration] The ready rough may always regard a third-class carriage, or indeed, any carriage he can make his way into with or without a ticket, on the Underground Railway as a sort of travelling Alsatia, where brutal blackguardism finds "sanctuary." The one duty of a guard--as of a watch--is to "keep time." He is not expected to keep anything else, except tips. For instance he is not bound to keep his temper, or to keep on the look out for roughs. No one has a legal right to get into a carriage which is full, but then a third-class carriage never is full so long as one more brawny brute can violently force his way into it. When bent upon enjoying the exceptional privileges and immunities reserved for blackguardism by the Underground Gallios, it is only necessary for a few hulking ruffians, big of course, and half drunk by preference, to thrust themselves violently in some compartment containing no less than twice its legal complement. In doing this they will, of course, rudely trample the toes of weak women, and insolently dislodge the hats of inoffensive men; thus paving the way pleasantly for future operations. Having squeezed themselves in somehow, they can then further indulge in the lesser amenities of travel by puffing rank tobacco smoke in the faces of their fellow-passengers, expectorating at large with not too nice a reference to direction, and indulging in howling, chaff, and horse-play of the most offensive character. The addition of blasphemy, especially if there should be women and children present, may probably provoke a mild remonstrance from some one, and then the rough's opportunity has arrived at last. To particularise the rough's rules for dealing with such an objector and his sympathisers--if any--would be as tedious as superfluous; but the combined arts of the low pugilist, the intoxicated wife-beater, and the Lancashire "purler," may be called into play, with much enjoyment and perfect safety, until the object of his wrath is beaten into unconsciousness or kicked into convulsions. On reaching a station, the frightened passengers may perhaps dare to appeal to the guard! That autocratic official will of course, with much angry hustling and holloaing, declare that _he_ can't stop to interfere, _his_ business being, not to stay actual violence or prevent possible homicide, but to "keep time," and the ruffianly scoundrels go off shouting and singing "_Rule Britannia_" and telling their pals "what a bloomin' lark they've had in the Hunderground." * * * * * [Illustration: _Ticket Clerk._ "Where for, ma'am?" _Old Lady._ "There! Lawk a mercy if I haven't forgot. Oh! mister, please run over a few of the willages on this railway, will yer?" [_Bell rings--Old Lady is swept away._] * * * * * [Illustration: YE RAILWAY STATION DURING YE HOLIDAY TIME IN YE ROMAN PERIOD (From a rare old frieze (not) in ye British Museum)] * * * * * [Illustration: "WAR'S ALARMS" _Timorous Old Lady (in a twitter)._ "Are those cannon balls, station-master?" _Station-Master (compassionately)._ "Oh no, mu'm, they're only Dutch cheeses, 'm', come by the Rotterdam boat last night--that's all, mu'm!"] * * * * * [Illustration: THE MAIDEN'S PRAYER A sketch at Aldersgate Street Station] * * * * * [Illustration: OBSTRUCTIONISTS IN A SMOKING CARRIAGE] * * * * * [Illustration] TERMINUS TRIOLETS _At Charing Cross._ To Paris by the tidal train. Here, register this luggage, quick! Why, all the world seems going, Jane, To Paris by the tidal train. It's blowing quite a hurricane; I hope, my love, you won't be sick. To Paris by the tidal train. Here, register this luggage, quick! _At Euston._ By Jove, I've run it precious near, Was ever "hansom"-horse so slow! Look sharp, now, porter, for it's clear, By Jove, I've run it precious near. Holloa!--that gun-case--hand it here, The hat-box in the van can go. By Jove, I've run it precious near! Was ever "hansom"-horse so slow! _At Liverpool Street._ Six wholes, three halves, all second class. The baby, mind, you might have killed her. Oh, policeman, please to let us pass! Six wholes, three halves, all second class, To Yarmouth. What a madd'ning mass Of people. Do come on, Matilda. Six wholes, three halves, all second class. The baby, mind, you might have killed her. _At Victoria._ Two first, return, to Brighton, please. Oh, yes--we'll go in Pullman's car. I like to travel at my ease; Two first, return, to Brighton, please. We're running down to breathe the breeze, I can't from business go too far. Two first, return, to Brighton, please. Oh, yes--we'll go in Pullman's car. _At Paddington._ Guard, mark "Engaged" this carriage, pray; Now, why on earth's the fellow grinning? How could he know we're wed to-day? Guard, mark "Engaged" this carriage, pray. My darling, hide that white bouquet; My head with champagne fumes is spinning. Guard, mark "Engaged" this carriage, pray. Now, why on earth's the fellow grinning? _At Waterloo._ Good-bye my boy; just one kiss more; You'll write to mother now and then? A sign from sea is sweet on shore, Good-bye, my boy; just one kiss more. Nay, don't you cry, dear, I implore, Red eyes are never meant for men. Good-bye, my boy; just one kiss more; You'll write to mother now and then? [Illustration] * * * * * [Illustration: "The last link is broken that bound me to thee"] * * * * * BRADBURY, AGNEW & CO. LD., PRINTERS LONDON AND TONBRIDGE. End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Mr. Punch's Railway Book, edited by J. A. Hammerton *** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK MR. PUNCH'S RAILWAY BOOK *** ***** This file should be named 35027.txt or 35027.zip ***** This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: http://www.gutenberg.org/3/5/0/2/35027/ Produced by Neville Allen, Chris Curnow and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This file was produced from images generously made available by The Internet Archive) Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions will be renamed. Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation (and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark. Project Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission. If you do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the rules is very easy. You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and research. They may be modified and printed and given away--you may do practically ANYTHING with public domain eBooks. Redistribution is subject to the trademark license, especially commercial redistribution. *** START: FULL LICENSE *** THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work (or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project Gutenberg-tm License (available with this file or online at http://gutenberg.org/license). Section 1. General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works 1.A. By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property (trademark/copyright) agreement. If you do not agree to abide by all the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession. If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8. 1.B. "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark. It may only be used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement. There are a few things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works even without complying with the full terms of this agreement. See paragraph 1.C below. There are a lot of things you can do with Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works. See paragraph 1.E below. 1.C. The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the Foundation" or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works. Nearly all the individual works in the collection are in the public domain in the United States. If an individual work is in the public domain in the United States and you are located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg are removed. Of course, we hope that you will support the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with the work. You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others. 1.D. The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern what you can do with this work. Copyright laws in most countries are in a constant state of change. If you are outside the United States, check the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project Gutenberg-tm work. The Foundation makes no representations concerning the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United States. 1.E. Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg: 1.E.1. The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the phrase "Project Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed, copied or distributed: This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org 1.E.2. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived from the public domain (does not contain a notice indicating that it is posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees or charges. If you are redistributing or providing access to a work with the phrase "Project Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or 1.E.9. 1.E.3. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional terms imposed by the copyright holder. Additional terms will be linked to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work. 1.E.4. Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm. 1.E.5. Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project Gutenberg-tm License. 1.E.6. You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary, compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any word processing or hypertext form. However, if you provide access to or distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official version posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site (www.gutenberg.org), you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon request, of the work in its original "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other form. Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1. 1.E.7. Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying, performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9. 1.E.8. You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided that - You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method you already use to calculate your applicable taxes. The fee is owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation. Royalty payments must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax returns. Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the address specified in Section 4, "Information about donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation." - You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm License. You must require such a user to return or destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of Project Gutenberg-tm works. - You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days of receipt of the work. - You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works. 1.E.9. If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and Michael Hart, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark. Contact the Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below. 1.F. 1.F.1. Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread public domain works in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm collection. Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain "Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by your equipment. 1.F.2. LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal fees. YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH 1.F.3. YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH DAMAGE. 1.F.3. LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a written explanation to the person you received the work from. If you received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with your written explanation. The person or entity that provided you with the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a refund. If you received the work electronically, the person or entity providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund. If the second copy is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further opportunities to fix the problem. 1.F.4. Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS' WITH NO OTHER WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTIBILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE. 1.F.5. Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages. If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by the applicable state law. The invalidity or unenforceability of any provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions. 1.F.6. INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production, promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works, harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees, that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause. Section 2. Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers. It exists because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from people in all walks of life. Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the assistance they need, are critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will remain freely available for generations to come. In 2001, the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations. To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4 and the Foundation web page at http://www.pglaf.org. Section 3. Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit 501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal Revenue Service. The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification number is 64-6221541. Its 501(c)(3) letter is posted at http://pglaf.org/fundraising. Contributions to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state's laws. The Foundation's principal office is located at 4557 Melan Dr. S. Fairbanks, AK, 99712., but its volunteers and employees are scattered throughout numerous locations. Its business office is located at 809 North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887, email business@pglaf.org. Email contact links and up to date contact information can be found at the Foundation's web site and official page at http://pglaf.org For additional contact information: Dr. Gregory B. Newby Chief Executive and Director gbnewby@pglaf.org Section 4. Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest array of equipment including outdated equipment. Many small donations ($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt status with the IRS. The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United States. Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up with these requirements. We do not solicit donations in locations where we have not received written confirmation of compliance. To SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any particular state visit http://pglaf.org While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who approach us with offers to donate. International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from outside the United States. U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff. Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation methods and addresses. Donations are accepted in a number of other ways including checks, online payments and credit card donations. To donate, please visit: http://pglaf.org/donate Section 5. General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works. Professor Michael S. Hart is the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared with anyone. For thirty years, he produced and distributed Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support. Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the U.S. unless a copyright notice is included. Thus, we do not necessarily keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition. Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility: http://www.gutenberg.org This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm, including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks.