The BENEFIT of
FARTING
EXPLAIN’D:

THE
Benefit of FARTING
EXPLAIN’D,  &c.

To which is added,

A Certificate of its Virtues, from the Court of
the Princess ARSEMINI.

Together with some

Verses on a Lady’s Fart, in the Philippic strain.

ALSO

A Meditation on T——d, wrote in a
Place of EASE.

(Price Six-pence.)

A Certificate from the Court
of the Princess ARSEMINI.

WE whose Names are underwritten, finding by bodily Experience, as well as by the Testimony of many open-hearted and sound bottom’d Persons of both Sexes, the Virtues of the Prescriptions of our dear Cousin and profoundly Learned Dr. Don Fart in-hando Puff-in dorst, in all the Distempers mention’d in his excellent Treatise hereunto subjoin’d, do, for preventing any Breach in the Constitutions, of our Fellow Subjects, as also of our beloved and confederate Town of Gibralter, recommend a serious Perusal and uninterrupted Practice of the same from their several Bum Batteries. Given under our Hands, the 20th of this windy Month, March, 172⁶⁄₇.

POSTSCRIPT
BY WAY OF
PREFACE.

LIBERTY and Property, are the two great Blessings, every British Subject claims, as his Birth right; why Mr. Breech should be denied this Benefit, I see no Reason, but his Shame-facedness to appear in his own Behalf. ’Tis true, he always sat in the House of Commons, being at all Elections unanimously chose as Representative for the Burrough of Rumpfort, but through Modesty was ever observ’d to keep behind Backs: He never open’d his Mouth in the House, but all the Members round nos’d him, and took Snuff at every thing he offer’d, because ’twas said, that in his younger Days, he had been a Button-maker (though falsely) for I remember him from his Youth, to have been a Wind-Merchant, which he vented by Hole-Sail and re-Tail. This Use put him under a constraint of being Silent, though he often grumbled inwardly for it.

He had two Sons; Sir Reverence, being the Younger, was Knighted by K. James; the other was a Noisy, Rattling, Cracking Fellow: He applied himself to the Practice of Musick and Phyz-ick, and was particularly famous for the Cure of the Wind-CHoleick, but none ever relish’d his Musical Performance. He married into the Family of the Swifts, and was so active in Running, that none could ever catch him, if he once got the Start.

Beside these two, there was another Foisted on him, but believing him to be illegitimate, he was ashamed to own him; he died young, and therefore made no Noise in the World.

This Mr. Breech, the Father of these, was a Man of a good Report, though some are so malicious to say, he us’d to play at FAST and LOOSE; he was sometimes sickly, which was imputed to his being formerly bit by a Tarantula, because he was always observed to be relieved by the playing of a Bag-pipe.

The hole History of his Life and Actions, has been lately published by a Learned and Reverend Doctor, wherein he makes him the Eighth Wonder of the World, and by way of Excellency over the other Seven, has stil’d him, the Most Wonderful of them all; and though he endeavour’d to conceal him under the dark Veil of an Enigma, yet we quickly smelt out his Hole Meaning. Tom Punsibi who first taught him his Ars in Presenti, was often very Smart upon him with his Puns, and he could digest every thing but that; Tom never looked him in the Face, but he made him tremble; they never met but Blows ensued, but Tom was always sure to come off Conqueror; but not withstanding, Tom has made a Convert of him, and instilled into him the Principles of Passive Obedience.

Now the Design of the following Essay, is to obtain Liberty for him to vent his Scent-iments freely, and that he may be Heard without Offence, and not be bound to keep Silence; since such a Freedom will prove so serviceable to the Fair Sex. If I have HANDLED THE SUBJECT to their good Liking I hope they will loudly Crack of the Benefit received, and That I shall judge a sufficient Reward for all my Trouble, who am

their most Humble Servant,

Fart-in-hando Puff-indorst.

N. B. Some celebrated Toasts, convinc’d of the Strength of the ensuing Arguments, having attempted to bring the Practice herein recommended into Fashion at C—rt, ’twould be the highest Ingratitude, not to return Thanks (in this Edition demanded from their kind Applauses) to such fair and powerful Advocates, or to deny a Place for the following Lines on the laudable Performance of one of these famed Heroines.

ON
Miss V——e’s F——T,
IN THE
PHILIPPCK STILE.

LOVELY Babe of Maid of Honour,

Every Grace shall smile upon her,

Sweetest Warbler of the Tail,

Soft as Breeze of Southern Gale;

Or the fanning Zephyrs Blast,

Over Beds of Spices past;

Gentle Puff of fragrant Air,

Squeez’d from Breech of Virgin Fair;

’Tis by Thee the Fair discover,

Proof of Vigour in a Lover;

Silent Fizzle, or speaking Fart,

Easily both Ease impart;

Sweet Fore-boder, joyful Sound,

To the Belly that’s hard bound;

Cure of Cholick, Cure of Gripes,

Tuneful Drone of lower Pipes.

Thus the Winds in Cavern pent,

Widen Holes, and force a Vent;

Stealing Whisper, ’scape of Bum,

Soft as Flute, or loud as Drum;

Downwards breathing, backwards sigh,

Happy Smock that lies so nigh;

Happy she that can this Way,

Shut her Mouth, but loudly Bray.

1

THE
Benefit of FARTING
EXPLAIN’D.

English’t thus, for the Benefit of the Ladies.

It Has been observed of late Years, since the primitive wholsome Custom of Toast and Nutmeg in a Morning has been superseded by that pernicious Practice of Tea and Coffee, that a numberless Train of Distempers, scarce known to our Forefathers, as Spleen, Vapours, Hips, &c. have become as universal among us as the Small Pox; the Weight of which has fallen chiefly on the Fair Sex, for Reasons I2 shall give hereafter. I wou’d not, on any score, be thought Guilty of a Design, to run down those pleasant Liquors, or derogate the least Tittle, from their due Praise, since I should thereby cause the Ladies to level the whole Artillery of their Resentment against me; but must say this in their Favour, That, in the First place, they serve as an Amusement, to divert two or three Hours, that would otherwise lye very heavy on their Hands in a Morning; and Secondly, to purge of that sharp corroding Humour call’d Scandal, which else (if two long retained) might ulcerate their Memory; and, Thirdly, it promotes a free Circulation of Intelligence, which, they’d have no Opportunity of coming at, being debar’d the Benefit of going to Coffee-houses or the Exchange. But, as the greatest Blessings are sometimes attended with some Inconveniency, Wine that makes our Heart glad, can also rob us of our Reason; so these most wholesome and pleasing Liquors, may, if not us’d with Caution, produce ill Consequences, the Prevention of which for the Benefit of that Sex, is the design of this Essay. As in Sipping of these Liquors Hot, there is commonly as much Wind as Water sucked in, which thro’ Modesty being debar’d a Passage downwards, when Nature offers, recoils up into the Bowels, Stomach and Head, and there occasions all those dreadful Symptoms usually ascribed to the Vapours; all which one seasonable FART might have prevented. It has likewise been assigned as the first Cause of Quakerism, and Enthusiasm, as Hudibras observes.

3

I shall therefore, in the first place, enquire into the Nature and Essence of a FART.

Secondly, Shew the ill Consequences of suppressing it.

Thirdly, Prove the Lawfulness of it. And

Fourthly, and Lastly, Shew the many Advantages will attend an act of Toleration or free Liberty that way.

First, It is a Question greatly controverted among the Learned, Whether a Fart be a spiritual or a material Substance? The Professors of Meta-Phyz-icks have argued warmly for its Spirituality; but the Naturalists as strongly oppose them. The famous Mr. Boyle brings it in as an Example to prove the vast Subtilty of Matter, since a Fart, which in the Hydrostatical Ballance does not weigh the Thousandth part of a Grain, shall, in one Minute, expand it self so far, as to occupy the whole Atmosphere of a large DRAWING ROOM.

The Chymists endeavoured to enquire into its Nature, by resolving it into its first Principles, but they ever found it as Volatile, and as hard to fix as Mercury; they all allow it to abound much in a volatile Sulphur, which they infer, from the brisk Sensation, wherewith it affects the Organs of Smelling, and from its burning Blew, as has been found by Experiment.

Cartesius begs it as a Principle for his Philosophy, and to make it relish the better, new christened it by the name of Materia Subtilis, and cooking up his System to the French Taste, he concluded so savoury an Ingredient would please their Palate; but it proved as unlucky a Material, as the Salt-peter in the Fryar’s Composition that first discover’d Gun-powder; for, taking Vent, it Blew up his whole System, and exploded all his Philosophy.

4

The Mathematicians steer’d a middle Course between the Naturalists and the Meta Phiz-icians; they own’d a Fart to be a Quantity yet In[di]visible, and gave it the Name of a Mathematical Point, as having neither Length, Breadth nor Thickness.

I therefore define a Fart to be, "A Nitro-aerial Vapour, exhal’d from an adjacent Pond of Stagnant Water of a Saline Nature, and rarified and sublimed into the Nose of a Microcosmical Alembic, by the gentle Heat of a STERCORARIOUS Balneum, with a strong Empyreuma, and forc’d through the Posteriours by the Compressive Power of the expulsive Faculty".

Secondly, Having explained the Nature and Essence of a Fart, I shall next enquire into the ill Consequences of suppressing it, which are almost obvious to every one’s Experience; for in its Retrogradation, it causes CHOLICKS, HYSTERICKS, RUMBLINGS, BELCHING, SPLEEN, &c. but in Women of a more strong Constitution, it vents itself intirely in Talkativeness; hence we have a Reason, why Women are more Talkative than Men; for as the Poet observes,

Hence comes the usual Saying, Tell a Tale, or let a FART; implying the Necessity of Vent, one Way or t’other.

The remarkable Taciturnity of the late Widow Fartwell, is a convincing Proof of this Doctrine; for having her Posteriours much dilated and relaxed by a two frequent Use of Clysters in her Younger Days, she was so debilitated her in retentive Faculty, that her Wind passing too freely that Way, there wanted a sufficient Supply to set the Wind-Mill of her Tongue a-going.

5

The frequent Fitts of Laughing and Crying, without any sensible Cause, (Symptoms common to such as are troubled with the Vapours are) plainly accountable from this Suppression; for the Windy Vapour getting into the Muscles that assist in Laughing, inflates them, and occasions their Laughing; but if this Vapour, when rais’d to the Head, is there condensed by a cold melancholy Constitution, it distills thro’ the Eyes in Form of Tears.

Thirdly, As for the Lawfulness of Farting, none I hope will dispute that Point with me, ’till they shew me a Law against it, which I am satisfied they cannot do; and, Where there is no Law, there can be no Transgression. The Cannon Law (if I mistake not) is loudly for it, and the Law of Nature seems to be of our Side, and though it seems to be against the Civil Law, yet the Severity of that Law was provided against, by King James the first; for a Gentleman dying by suppressing a Fart in his Presence, the King had immediately wrote over the Gate in Capital Letters this Inscription,

HERE ALL FARTS ARE FREE.

And Cambden observes the Ancient Esteem Farts were in, by Lands held by one Baldwin (le Pettour, i. e. the FARTER) at Hemingston in Suffolk, by the Tenure of coming into Court on a certain Day, and performing Saltus, Sufflatus, & Bumbulus, i. e. Capering, Puffing, and Farting. Cambd. p. 464. Its being contrary to Custom is no Plea, since the same Authority which introduced hoop’d Petticoats can also bring FARTING in Fashion; and there wants nothing more to make it pass current, than some celebrated Toast of the Town to begin an example. We are very forward in imitating our Neighbouring Nations in their Fashion and Dress, tho’ never so ridiculous, but Back-ward in this Point, which would 6 be much more for our Advantage: For a Fart is a Freeman in all the Towns Corporate thro’ Holland. Yufrow Blowza Van Funk, a Burgomaster’s Wife of Rotterdam, values her self as much upon the good Report of her Bum-Battery, as one of Our Ladies would for a sweet Voice, or an agreeable Lisp, and is as industrious in shewing her Performance that Way, as the other in shewing a white Hand, a rich Ring, or a neat Snuff-Box. And the Ladies in France maintain, that a promiscuous Conversation on a Bog-House, savours as little of Impudence or Impiety as over a Tea-Table.

Having proved the Lawfulness of Farting, and the ill Consequence of suppressing it, I shall proceed, Fourthly, To set down the Advantages the Ladies, are likely to reap by an unlimited Freedom that Way. For first, it frees them from that long-winded Catalogue of Distempers already mentioned, and prov’d to proceed from this Cause, which Benefit alone were sufficient to recommend it to all those who value their Health; but besides this, ’twill render Peas Porridge as wholesome as Gingerbread, and Bottel’d Cyder as innocent as Ratafia; ’twill also lower the Price of Daffy’s Elixir, and save them a vast yearly Expence in Ars-a-Fœtida, and Spirits of Harts-Horn, to guard them from the Vapours, since hereby they become their own Apothecaries, to prepare a Medicine will twich them by the Nose every whit as well as their smelling Bottle. ’Tis also a great Promoter of Mirth, for I have known one single Fart, that made an Escape, raise a Laugh of half an Hour; and the Celebrated Author of a Book, called, Laugh and Be Fat, proves Laughing to be a very wholesome Exercise. Dr. Blow in his Treatise of the Fundiment-alls of Musick asserts, that the first Discovery of Harmony was owing to an Observation of Persons of different Sizes sounding different Notes in Musick, by Farting; for while one farted in B fa bimi, another 7was observed to answer in F faut and make that agreeable Concord call’d a fifth, whence that Musical Part had its Name of Bum-fiddle, and the first Invention of the Double Curtell was owing to this Observation: By this Rule it would be an easy Matter to form a Farting Consort, by ranging Persons of different Sizes in Order, as you would a Ring of Bells, or a Sett of Organ Pipes; which Entertainment would prove much more Diverting round a Tea-Table, than the usual one of Scandal, since the sweetest Harmony is allow’d to proceed from the GUTS. Then that Lady will be reckoned the most agreeable in Company, who is the readiest at Reportee; and, to have a good Report behind her Back would be allow’d a Strong Argument of her Merit.

Having thus explained the many Benefits that attend a Free Practice of Farting, I think I need use no other Arguments to the Ladies, since their own Ease, Interest, and Diversion plead in its Favour. I shall therefore Wind up my Bottom, and conclude.

9

MEDITATION on a T——d,
Wrote in a Place of Ease.

SINCE most agree, that ’tis a Crime

In any Place to spend one’s Time

Without the Use of Contemplation,

And Pleasures of Imagination,

Since Boyle and Swift could each descant on

A Broomstick, Windmill, Hedge, or Lanthorn,

With the same Gravity as Cato,

Dying expostulates with Plato,

Why shou’d I in a Place of Ease

Exert my Talent less than these?

Virgil himself, as we are told,

In Ennius’ Excrement found Gold,

And those are call’d Gold-finders hence,

Who deal much in Sir Reverence;

Why then shou’d I, more Nice than Wise,

Disdain a T—d to Anatomize?

First then, methinks, as here I squeeze,

With both my Hands fix’d on my Knees

As I, with terrible Grimace,

Torture each Muscle of my Face;

Till happily at last I vent

The painful Load of Excrement,

So Statesmen too, with equal Pains,

And like advantage, rack their Brains,

10Till big with Projects duly weigh’d,

The ponderous Burden they unlade.

Sometimes indeed, when ill-design’d,

Their Plots evaporate in Wind.

As bloated Guts, with Cholick swell’d,

With only Emptiness seem’d fill’d;

Till through Back-door of Fundament,

The airy Pain expires in Scent.

But most of all my present State,

Seems to the Poet’s adequate;

As, sometimes Costive, I with Pain,

To ease my loaded Stomach Strain;

Sometimes my Guts more Laxative,

Their voluntary Tribute give;

So, oft the Poor Brain-costive Bard,

To vent his Excrement strains hard;

Unless some generous Patron urges,

Oh, then how easily he purges!

If Money makes it work, what Tool

So bound, he cannot have a Stool?

And as the same Effect in Things,

From various Causes often springs;

So, if the Influence of Ill Nature

His Panegyric sow’rs to Satyr,

This on him too will work so strong,

He’ll squirt o’er all the Town his Dung—

What easy Stools has Dr. Y—!

All Human Titles, soon or later,

Contribute to the Jakes of Nature,

And though the Moralists will say,

Mankind is but a Lump of Clay,

11To speak my meaning in a Word,

E’en Man himself’s a very T—d;

And, as you know, the Bad and Good,

The nicest Bits, and coarsest Food,

That homeliest Peasants can content,

Or daintiest Epicures invent,

From Oglio’s, Kickshaws, and Ragoûs,

To Onions, Trotters, Roots, and Sloes,

’Ith’ Stomach equally frement,

Till all is turn’d to Excrement:

So Clowns, Coquets, Town-Bullies, Smarts,

With Spades, or Diamonds, Clubs, or Hearts,

Together Rot, not any Diff’rence

Betwixt Sir Fopling and Sir Rev’rence.

Thus, to conclude my Stool and Story,

You find, by what I’ve laid before you;

The World, and all the World affords,

Is but one numerous Heap of T—ds.