Best Jokes of 1927

In labeling (or libeling) this tome with the more or less recondite title “Best Jokes of 1927,” some people may be inclined to criticize them in the name of Joe Miller. But to do so would be unfair. These jokes are new, in fact so new that they could not possibly have been “sprung” in any other year before 1927 Anno Domini.

To say that some of them smack or reek of the sarcophagus or that they first saw the light of day in the thick silts from Abyssinia would be for my critics to show their total ineptitude.

But I am maundering. What I wish to say is that each day sees so much of the new that all our jokes of whatever color are refreshed and reborn in an argot which would have caused great amaze both in Greece and Egypt not to mention the United States in 1910.

My own criticism of the title is that it is wholly inadequate. It is so much more than just a book of jokes. It is a book of self-development. It could at once be called, “How to Love” (see page 60) and “Etiquette for Boston Parlors” (such is the subtlety and purity of these jokes). More than that it is an “open sesame” to most of the more sensitive circles.

Further information about their selection would be tiresome and tedious. It will suffice to say that they were selected from selections [Pg 6]that had previously been selected by the young man selected to select them, which young man was myself.

As an added bit of information about the nature of these “wheezes” let me add that they are not all as innocent as they appear on the surface. Prend garde therefore when you feel inclined to exchange witticisms with your minister. He might, this is only a speculation, he might see something reprehensible in it, that you in your innocence had overlooked. In case you are too innocent to understand some of these jokes, do not let your conscience bother you, for I have been exceedingly careful to keep within the requirements of the federal Pure Food and Drugs Act.

A. C. R.

Sport Writer: Is the big colored boy in shape for the fight tonight?

Trainer: Yes, suh, Boss—he’s in the ink of condition.—Life.

Young Thing: I have brought this book back; mother says it isn’t fit for me to read.

Librarian: I think your mother must be mistaken.

Young Thing: Oh, no, she isn’t. I’ve read it all through.—John Bull’s Summer Annual.

Said the flapper, after she had introduced her new boy friend to her parents: “What side of the family do you think I take after?”

“Well, you have your father’s eyes, nose and mouth,” the B. F. replied, “but you got your legs from your mother.”—Country Gentleman.

Street Orator: Nah! Any more interruptions and I finishes up—leavin’ yer ignorant of the ’orrible times in wich yer lives.—London Opinion.

Father: I understand that young man of yours travels in rather speedy company.

Daughter: Thanks for the compliment, old dear.—American Legion Monthly.

[Pg 8]

He: Do you believe in free love?

She: Yes, but let’s go to the movies first.—Iowa Green Gander.

The Cop: HEY! Pull over to the curb!

She: But this isn’t where I live.—Life.

“What did you do when you worked at the sawmills?”

“I came, I saw, and I sawed and sawed.”—Washington Columns.

“Who were the two women you and Jack were out with last night?”

“A pair of convent girls.”

“How.”

“Oh, it was nun o’ this and nun o’ that.”—Columbia Jester.

Old Boy (laying out another chip):—Guess I’ll have to raise you, sweetie!

Young Thing: Guess I’ll have to call you daddy.—Stanford Chaparral.

Auto Tourist: I clearly had the right of way when this man ran into me and yet you say I am to blame.

Local Cop: You certainly was.

Autoist: Why?

Local Cop: Because his father is Mayor, his brother is Chief of Police, and I go with his sister.—Buffalo Bison.

[Pg 9]

“And what do you think of the Grand Canyon, Hokku?”

“Just gorges, Anaximander, just gorges.”—Nebraska Awgwan.

Crawford: These Red outrages should be stopped.

Crabshaw: They’re bringing the country to a terrible pass. The other night when I was going home with a bottle of Scotch a cop stopped me to see if I was carrying a bomb.—Life.

Hot: My woman is a regular siren.

Dog: She must be handy to have around when it’s foggy.—Columbian Jester.

Mrs. Methuselah: Did you have anything in the mail, dear?

Methuselah: Nothing but another brochure from the “Book-of-the-Century” people.—Life.

“Will your husband accompany you to Paris?”

“Hardly. Taking a husband to Paris would be like carrying coals to Newcastle.”—Judge.

“You should be driving a truck instead of playing on a basket-ball team.”

“This ain’t the time for you to be offensive.”—Notre Dame Juggler.

[Pg 10]

Grocer: A thief entered my store last night and took every thing but a box of soap.

Judge: The dirty crook.—Lehigh Burr.

“I think I’ll commit suicide.”

“Good, but turn off the gas when you’re through.”—Oregon Webfoot.

Prof. (in class before quiz):—The quiz questions are in the hands of the printer. Now are there any questions anyone has to ask?

Bright Stude:—Who is the printer?—Iowa Frivol.

Doctor: There must be something radically wrong with your system; I’ll have to find out what it is.

Patient: But, Doctor, it can’t be too bad; I backed three winners last Saturday.—Aussie.

To a Jewish ex-service man an acquaintance remarked: “So you were in the army, Ikey?”

“Oh, I vas in the army,” was the proud response.

“Did you get a commission?”

“No; only my vages!”—Tit Bits.

Terry: Isn’t your friend Clark pretty slow?

Jerry: I should say not—it took him four hours to drive his new sweetie fifteen miles home from a dance last night.—Life.

[Pg 11]

“I don’t like the look o’ that there ’addick.”

“Well, if it’s looks yer arter, why don’t yer buy GOLDFISH?”—Gaiety.

He: When you promised to obey at the altar you waived certain rights.

She: Yes, but it wasn’t a permanent waive.—Answers.

Assistant: Have you an account with this house, madam?

Customer: No, but maybe I can arrange matters with your manager.

Assistant (to manager): A lady of no account to see you, sir.—Passing Show.

If writers and poets starve in attics it’s their own fault. There’s much more inspiration to be found in cellars.—Judge.

Teacher: What great law is Newton credited with discovering?

The Class (in unison): The bigger they are the harder they fall.—Carnegie Puppet.

“You probably don’t remember me,” began the self-made man proudly, “but twenty years ago when I was a poor, humble boy, you gave me a message to carry.”

“Yes, yes,” cried the busy man, “where’s the answer?”—Buffalo Bison.

[Pg 12]

“Would you be good enough to look after my car?”

“Sir! I am the mayor of this town!”

“That doesn’t matter. You look to me to be an honest man!”—Buen Humor (Madrid).

Percy: What do you think of Brown?

Patrick: He is one of those people that pat you on the back before your face and hit you in the face behind your back.—Answers.

Freddy: Father, what is an egotist?

Father: An egotist, my son, is a man who tells you those things about himself which you intended to tell him about yourself.—Tit Bits.

“Your daughter seems devoted to tennis.”

“No, she detests it. But she has such wonderful legs for jumping over the net.”—Life.

“What, lady, not fresh? Eggs from the country?”

“What country?”—Le Rire (Paris).

“How did the Smith wedding come off?”

“Fine until the preacher asked the bride if she would obey her husband.”

“What happened then?”

“She replied, ‘Do you think I’m crazy?’ and the groom, who was in a sort of a daze, replied, ‘I do.’”—Cornell Widow.

[Pg 13]

Youth: I just tore up that sonnet I wrote last week.

Damsel: Tore it up? Why, that was the best thing you ever did.—Wisconsin Octopus.

“My dear I am afraid that poor Lady X has had a sad disappointment over her Memoirs. Why, the book wasn’t even withdrawn from publication!”—Putnam Book News.

“My girl is divine.”

“Yours may be de vine, but mine’s de berries.”—Carnegie Tech. Puppet.

Taxi Driver (after patron pays fare)—Here’s your receipt, sir.

Patron—Ah, I see. Did I buy the car?—Denison Flamingo.

“What’s plural for whim?”

“Women.”—Pitt Panther.

Cop—Who was driving when you hit that car?

Drunk (triumphantly)—None of us; we was all on th’ back seat.—Virginia Reel.

Padre—Do you take this woman for butter or for wurst?

Hardre—Oh, liver alone, I never sausage nerve!—Virginia Reel.

[Pg 14]

Are you old enough to remember when some of the stores advertised “Yankee Notions?”—so you dye your hair, do you?—The Kansas City Star.

Charlady: She wanted me to have a finger in the pie, but I smelt a rat an’ nipped it in the bud.

Cook: Lor’, Mrs. Jones, ’ow you do mix your semaphores.—Ohio State Journal.

“Has Connie left for the dance?”

“I think she must have, I see her clothes on the bed.”—The Pink ’Un.

She: Do you think that Princeton man really meant to hurt you when he hit you with that seal ring?

Harvard Veteran: Well, he certainly gave me that impression.—Life.

The most profligate occupant of a sublet apartment has been located. He uses the player piano rolls to wrap up his laundry.—The New York Sun.

“How much do you pay a week for room?”

“Well, some expressmen charge me a dollar, others seventy-five cents.”—Western Reserve Red Cat.

[Pg 15]

Alas, poor Blimson, I know him well. He is in the Hospital. The doctors mildly term it “acute alcoholism.” If he dies, I suppose it can be charged to supersociability. I thought he had more sense than to drink from a stranger’s flask.

“Why didn’t you offer him some of yours first?” I asked, as I sat by the bed and held his hand.

“I did intend to,” he moaned. “But he beat me to the draw.”—New Orleans Times-Picayune.

“What is a detour?”

“The roughest distance between two points.”—Christian Science Monitor.

“Let’s go to the theatre.”

“Haven’t a thing to wear.”

“Then what say we take in an opera?”—Western Reserve Red Cat.

Louisa, the colored kitchen maid, was from the country but she was energetic and learned fast. Part of her duties was to water the fern and change the water in the goldfish bowl. Her mistress asked her on the second day:

“Did you remember to empty the water under the refrigerator?”

“Yes, ma’am, I emptied it and put in fresh water.”—Charleston News and Courier.

[Pg 16]

Mistress (to departing Maid who has asked for reference): Of course, Mary, I shall have to tell Mrs. Brown of your uncontrollable temper.

Mary: Thenk you very much, Mum. It’ll p’raps make ’er mind ’er p’s and q’s.—Punch.

Edith: I saw Helen yesterday and we had the loveliest confidential chat together.

Ethel: I thought so; she wouldn’t speak to me today.—The Boston Transcript.

Social Worker—Do you believe in the transmigration of souls?

Fisherman—Well, no, sir. I likes ’em fried in the ordinary way.—Kokomo Humorist.

“Tommy, how many wars was Spain engaged in during the seventeenth century?”

“Seven, sir.”

“Seven? Enumerate them.”

“One, two, three, four, five, six, seven.”—Tit Bits.

Kitty—Jane has had her face lifted.

Katty—What did they use, a windlass?—Penn State Froth.

Alla—What is so rare as a day in June?

Gazzam—A charity bazaar in Scotland.—Ohio State Sun Dial.

[Pg 17]

Tramp—“Have you a piece of cake, lady, to give a poor man who hasn’t had a bite for two days?”

“Cake? Isn’t bread good enough for you?”

“Ordinarily, yes ma’am, but this is my birthday.”—Pitt Panther.

Her—So your father lost all his fortune in the peanut industry?

Him—Yes, someone stole the stand.—North Carolina Buccaneer.

Stranger—I represent a society for the prevention of profanity. I want to take profanity entirely out of your life and—

Jones (calling to his wife)—I say, Mary; here’s a man who wants to buy our car!—Tit Bits.

“Great news, old man. I’m engaged to a beautiful woman and an intelligent one.”

“Fine! Which one are you going to marry?”—Northwestern Purple Parrot.

Voice on Phone—John Smith is sick and is unable to attend classes today. He requested me to notify you.

Dr. Wilhelm—All right. Who is this speaking?

Voice—This is my roommate.—M. I. T. Voo Doo.

[Pg 18]

“Did you barely escape from that fire last night?”

“No, I had my pajamas on.”—N. Y. U. Medley.

“What’s a college professor?”

“He’s the person who gets the money that’s left after the athletic coaches are paid off.”—Carnegie Puppet.

She—I lost my gold pencil.

He—You should have had a string on it.

She—I did. I lost that, too.—Dennison Flamingo.

“Your name?”

“Miss Smith.”

“Here, have one of your old man’s cough drops.”—Rutgers Chanticleer.

“Last night a man at the hotel wanted to bet he could whip anybody in the lobby.”

“My word!”

“The elevator boy took him up.”—Louisville Satyr.

“I understand there is a ban on the new Oxford bags?”

“Yes, they say several men have gone crazy trying to find their legs so that they could pull up their socks.”—Northwestern Purple Parrot.

[Pg 19]

“I think that girl over there dislikes me!”

“Why?”

“She’s just pulled down her skirt!”—The Pink ’Un.

The Lady—What d’yer mean by insultin’ my sister?

The Gent—I never insulted ’er. All I sez was that if ’er face was ’er fortune, she ought ter be arrested for tryin’ to pass counterfeit money.—Passing Show.

“My boy,” said the patronizing man, as he handed around the Flor de Toofas, “that’s something of a cigar!”

“So it is,” responded the victim, after he had taken a puff or two; “what is it?”—Tit Bits.

“Marie doesn’t go out as often as she used to.”

“Ah, settled and become a nice, quiet stay-at-home, eh?”

“No, I mean she carries her liquor better.”—Judge.

Jim—Why don’t you go home?

Will—My wife’s mad at me and locked me out.

Jim—What’s she mad about?

Will—Because I don’t come home.—Toronto Goblin.

[Pg 20]

“Say, what’s that building there?”

“Where?”

“You looked too late. It’s gone.”—Yale Record.

Fan—How about your team? Are they good losers?

Coach (after a disastrous season)—Good? Hell, they’re perfect.—Oklahoma Whirlwind.

He—How about a little ride, Cutie?

She—Are you going north?

He—Yes, I am.

She—Give my regards to the Eskimos.—Toronto Goblin.

Living Skeleton—What’s become of the India rubber woman?

Dwarf—The boss just bounced her.—California Pelican.

A plumber was recently given a fortune by one of his customers. We seem to remember having paid one or two little bills like that.—Everybody’s Weekly.

“I was shocked to hear that Peter had eloped with your wife. I thought he was your best friend.”

“He is, but he doesn’t know it yet.”—Toronto Goblin.

[Pg 21]

Customer—Chicken croquettes, please.

Waiter—Fowl ball!!!—Amherst Lord Jeff.

Benevolent Visitor: Do any of your friends ever come here to see you?

Convict 131313: No, mam, they’re all here wit’ me.—M. I. T. Voo Doo.

One With Cigarette—Dick went on another wet party last night.

One Without—Well, do we have to bail him out again?—V. M. I. Sniper.

“Not happy! With so beautiful a bride? Why, man, you got the girl who was the talk of the town.”

“So I discover.”—Cornell Widow.

Lecturer—Can anyone give the derivation of the word auditorium?

Listener—Yes—from the word AUDIO—hear, and TAURUS—bull. A place where you—

Lecturer—That will do.—Washington Dirge.

Proud Mother—Do you know, only yesterday Baby threw all her clothes out the nursery window.

Fatuous Visitor—By Jove! Rather a stroke of luck she wasn’t wearin’ them at the time, what!—Humorist.

[Pg 22]

Ruth—Don’t ’e let fayther see ’e kissin’ me.

Reuben—I bain’t kissin’ ’e.

Ruth—Oh, well, I thought I’d tell ’e in case.—London Opinion.

Golfer—Can you give me a caddie who doesn’t giggle all the time?

Caddie Master—Well—there’s old Mac over there hasn’t smiled for forty years—but of course, I can’t guarantee him!—Passing Show.

“We have a new home.”

“Well, when did this happen?”

“This vacation. You see, mother brought the loveliest door knob from Europe, so we built a house to go around it.”—California Pelican.

“Ella attracts the men, doesn’t she?”

“Yes, her father is a steel magnate.”—Tit Bits.

Semite—Some burglars got into the Sem last night, bound me to a chair and gagged me.

Frosh—Then what did you do?

Semite—Why, I sat around all night and chewed the rag.—Bucknell Bell Hop.

“Why does the woman prisoner call herself an ex-wife?”

“X marks the spot where her husband’s body was found.”—Stanford Chaparral.

[Pg 23]

(In the cinema)—“Excuse me, madam, but do you mind coughing more quietly so that I may be better able to hear your friend read out the sub-titles?”—London Opinion.

The Wife—I think we’d better go now, George, now you’ve started cracking grapes with a nut-cracker.—Sketch.

“I say, old chap, didn’t I borrow five pounds of you last week?”

“No, you didn’t.”

“How careless of me! Could you let me have it now?”—Tit Bits.

“Will you kindly exchange this currant bun for one of more recent currency?”—Passing Show.

“Is he intelligent?”

“Well, he has one of the best collections of suppressed books that I know of.”—Judge.

A college student arose from his table in a fashionable dining-room and walked toward the door. He was passing the house detective at the entrance when a silver sugar bowl dropped from his bulging coat.

The guest glanced calmly at the officer, then turned toward the occupants of the room. “Ruffians,” he said, “Who threw that?” and walked out.—Stanford Chaparral.

[Pg 24]

“My goodness!” exclaimed the old lady on the bus, “isn’t the traffic thick?”

“It’s not the traffic,” grunted the conductor, “it’s the cops.”—Brown Jug.

Briggs—Why have you got the end wall of your garage on hinges?

Griggs—My wife can’t always stop the car.—Answers.

“Father, what is a suicide?”

“A suicide, my son, is a person who has reached college without finding that there was no Santa Claus.”—Cornell Widow.

“I wish I had lived three hundred years ago.”

“Why?”

“I shouldn’t have had so much history to learn.”—Buen Humor (Madrid).

Judge—The policeman says you were traveling at a speed of sixty miles an hour.

Prisoner—It was necessary, Your Honor; I had stolen the car.

Judge—Oh, that’s different. Case dismissed.—Carolina Buccaneer.

“Do you girls really like conceited men better than the other kind?”

“What other kind?”—London Opinion.

[Pg 25]

It is said that radio broadcasting will eventually lead to the acceptance of English as the international language. Not, however, without the strenuous opposition of Mayor Thompson.—A. C. R.

“Talking about little burgs,” said the traveling man, “reminds me of the time I was in the smallest town I know of. Why, that town was so small that they painted ‘Come Again’ on the back of the ‘Welcome’ sign.”—Western Reserve Red Cat.

Joe—Is he stuck up?

Moe—Is he stuck up! Why he even put Hyatt bearings in his car!—Stevens Tech Stone Mill.

“Use the word ‘Texas’ in a sentence.”

“To hell with Income Texas.”—Ohio State Sun Dial.

“How’s huntin’ out Chicago way?”

“Purty good. Got a nice mounted policeman in my trophy room.”—Ohio Hobo.

First Tragedian: Zounds, Horace, why aren’t you working? Aren’t you with the road show of “Macbeth”?

Second Nut: Correct, Knave, but they’re repairing the road.—Ohio State Sun Dial.

[Pg 26]

An old countryman, who had been to London for the first time on business, returned in a bad temper.

“At that hotel,” he complained, “they kept the light in my bed room burning all night. I couldn’t get a wink of sleep.”

“Why didn’t you blow it out?” asked his wife.

“Blow it out?” said the old man. “I couldn’t. It was in a bottle!”—Pearsons.

“Have you had any trouble in meeting your expenses?”

“Not a bit. I’m always running into them.”—London Opinion.

“Did you know I was a life-saver last summer?”

“Really, what flavor?”—Columbia Jester.

Host: What do you think of these cigars? I got them from an airplane pilot.

Guest: What does he use them for—sky-writing?—London Opinion.

“Yes,” said the visitor from Boston, “I just came down for a few days to read a book.”—New York Evening Post.

Evelyn: Is Betty left handed?

Doris: No, engaged.—Boston Transcript.

[Pg 27]

R. O.: Galli Curci sings high.

T. C.: Yeah; three plunks too much for a concert.—Washington Columns.

“The preacher used very poor discretion Sunday.”

“How’s that?”

“His text was, ‘A Fool and His Money Are Soon Parted,’ and soon after the sermon he passed the collection plate.”—Western Reserve Red Cat.

He—Name the five senses.

Abie—Nickels.—Tennessee Mugwump.

Stu—What is Jack so pleased about?

Dent—Why he’s got an idea that will make him a millionaire.

Stu—An idea worth millions! What is it?

Dent—A cake of flying soap for shower-baths.—Virginia Reel.

Our idea of a lazy collegiate is the one who pretends he’s drunk so his fraternity brothers will put him to bed.—Ohio Hobo.

Stout Theatrical Person (engaging room)—Window’s a bit small in case of emergency!

Landlady—There ain’t goin’ to be any sich emergency! My terms to actors is weekly in advance!—London Opinion.

[Pg 28]

Two fathers of college seniors were discussing their sons:

“Why, my son is so lazy that he wants to open an ice factory in Alaska.”

“Why, man, my son would like to get a job with your son as a bookkeeper.”—V. M. I. Sniper.

The latest wedding-ring is to be very thin and narrow. The old-fashioned, cumbersome affair, of course, was made to last a lifetime.—Passing Show.

“Isn’t Mary old-fashioned?”

“Oh, how?”

“She thinks she’ll have to go to heaven to see the angels her husband talks about in his sleep.”—Everybody’s Weekly.

Friend—I just saw a young man trying to kiss your daughter.

Modern Mother—Did he succeed?

“No.”

“Then it wasn’t my daughter.”—Answers.

Actor—The first night I played there, sir, the town stormed the ticket-office!

Cynic—Rotten luck! And, of course, you had to give ’em their money back?—Sydney Bulletin.

[Pg 29]

Doc—Give me a short definition of a polygon.

Pupil—A polygon is a dead parrot.—Buffalo Bison.

Tax Collector (to young man who has just asked for daughter’s hand)—Young man, how can you possibly keep my daughter on the salary that you return?—London Opinion.

Harold—Which would be worse, for me to be run over by a bus or tram, or to tear my knickers?

Mother—Why, to be run over by a bus, of course.

Harold—That’s good. I’ve just torn my knickers.—Passing Show.

First Parent—Ain’t college wonderful? Thaddeus is majoring in bootlegging and Boadicea in sex appeal.—Judge.

Singer—Do you know, “I’m Just Breezing Along With the Breeze”?

Player—No, but I’ll follow you on the piano.—Brown Jug.

“Give me a sentence using ‘kith’ and ‘kin.’”

“I’ll kith you as often as I kin.”—Utah Humbug.

[Pg 30]

A conductor fears no one—he tells them all where to get off.—Ohio State Sun Dial.

Judge—You admit you ran over this man, drove around the block and ran over him again?

Driver—Yes, your honor.

“What have you to say in your defense?”

“I didn’t know I got him the first time.”—Stevens Stone Mill.

He—D’ya know fish is brain food?

Haw—Naw, how come?

“It takes knowledge to open a can of sardines.”—Penn Punch Bowl.

“Jack’s always up to date, isn’t he?”

“I’ll say so! He’s trying to put four-wheel brakes on his bicycle now.”—Texas Ranger.

He—I do hope you will pardon my dancing on your feet—I’m a little out of practice.

She—I don’t mind your dancing on them. It’s the continual jumping on and off them that aggravates me.—Alleghany Alligator.

Drunk—Shay, where does Tom Maloney live?

Friend—Why, you’re Tom—old boy.

“Shure, but where does he live?”—Carnegie Puppet.

[Pg 31]

First Student—Good gosh! They’re advertising shoe shines for five cents, let’s get one.

Second Student—Aw, they’re probably no good, and besides I’ve got on my room-mate’s shoes.—Alabama Rammer Jammer.

“Waiter—pleash brig me a dish prunish.”

“Stewed, sir?”

“Shut your mouth and get the prunish.”—Illinois Siren.

Judge—How did you get in this condition?

Prisoner—I wash putting shome hair reshtorer on m’ moustache an’ th’ bottle shlipped!—Judge.

“Do you mean to tell me that you have lived here ten years and cannot tell me the quickest way to the station?”

“I’ve been a taxi driver all these years.”—Notre Dame Juggler.

Guide (to tour party at the Ford plant)—Do you know what would happen if that man on the right side ever missed a day at work?

Interested Onlooker—No, what would happen?

“Two thousand two hundred and sixty-one Fords would go out of the factory without springs.”

“Say, Mister, that fellow has been sick a lot, hasn’t he?”—Minnesota Ski-U-Mah.

[Pg 32]

“What is the past tense of marry?”

“Divorce.”—Utah Humbug.

He—Is that girl a prude?

Him—I’ll say. She’s such a prude that when she dines out she orders bosom instead of breast of chicken.—Penn Punch Bowl.

“Yes,” said the oculist, “he had a peculiar affliction; everything he looked at he saw double.”

“Poor fellow. I suppose he found it hard to get a job?”

“Not at all. The gas company snapped him up, and now he’s reading meters.”—Tit Bits.

Applicant (to magistrate)—I want some advice about my husband, sir. He left me twenty-five years ago and I ain’t seen him since.

Magistrate—Well?

“What about me having a separation?”—Tit Bits.

The skin of the human palm is seventy-six times as thick as that of the eyelid. Nevertheless it is so sensitive that the touch of a piece of paper the size of a treasury note will cause a waiter’s hand to clench convulsively.—Passing Show.

[Pg 33]

Office Boy—Lady to see you, sir.

Busy Employer—Tell her I’m engaged.

“That’s what she’s come to see you about, sir. You were to have married her today.”—Tit Bits.

Laundry Manager: Morning, sir!

Customer: Ah, good morning! I—er—don’t want to complain. I would like a little more shirt on my cuffs when they come back next time.—Answers.

“Now, then, what should a polite little boy say to a lady who has given him a penny for carrying her parcels?”

“I am too polite to say it, madam.”—Table Talk (Melbourne).

Dorothy—Why are you beating Willie like that?

Willie’s Father—You see, tomorrow afternoon he will bring home his school report and I have to go away before breakfast in the morning.—Passing Show.

Dear Old Gentleman—Inspector, I told you last week that my pocketbook had been stolen. It was a mistake, I have found it.

Inspector—You have come too late, sir, much too late. We caught the thief yesterday.—Passing Show.

[Pg 34]

“Why didn’t you answer the elevator man when he said ‘up’?”

“I thought he was having indigestion.”—Vassar Vagabond.

Customer—You said this blanket is all wool, and it is plainly marked “cotton.”

Clerk—Well, you see, we marked it that way to fool the moths.—Tenn. Mugwump.

“Bill’s nowhere near the fool he was.”

“Has he reformed?”

“No, he’s dieting.”—Dartmouth Jack O’ Lantern.

Rockne—Athletics are becoming very general in America.

Stagg—Yes. Take football games for instance. Twenty-two men play the game while 50,000 stage a drinking bout.—Carnegie Puppet.

“Her mind is essentially modern.”

“How do you mean?”

“She never seems to have much on it.”—Everybody’s Weekly.

“The trouble with many men,” says the West End tailor, “is that they don’t know what to do with their hands.” Our bridge partner is invariably one of them.—Humorist.

[Pg 35]

Mrs. Newrich (looking over house plan)—What’s this thing going to be?

Architect—That is an Italian staircase.

“Just a waste of money. We probably won’t ever have any Italians coming to see us.”—Answers.

Clairvoyant—Your path is beset. Soon you will have to choose between a beautiful woman and a fortune.

Puerile Person—Well, the money won’t matter. I inherited half a million!

“That is the fortune to which I am referring.”—London Opinion.

“Never borrow money from that man, he’s a Shylock. In winter he takes fifty per cent and in summer sixty.”

“But why does he take more in the summer?”

“Because the days are longer.”—Pele Mele (Paris).

Long Suffering Tailor—You recently inherited money. Why not pay me what you owe me?

His Client—I wouldn’t like people to think that inheriting money has changed my habits.—Answers.

“Hank jest got married.”

“Wot? An’ him jest outa jail, too!”—Judge.

[Pg 36]

Customer (in haberdashery)—I would like to see a tie in which blue predominates.

Clerk—Here’s one in which blue predominates, but the purple in it predominates even more, I think.—Boston Transcript.

Laundries charge because they have to hire extra help for pulling off buttons.—Kansas Sour Owl.

A tourist who had stopped at a mountaineer’s cabin down in the Ozarks, noticed four holes in the door.

Tourist—Friend, I do not like to be inquisitive, but what are the four holes in your door for?

Mountaineer—Wal, yo’ see, I has four cats.

“But wouldn’t one good-sized hole do for all the cats?”

“H—l, when I say ‘Scat!’ I mean ‘Scat!’”—Kansas Sour Owl.

“I wonder if you could tell me where I could get a drink?”

“Sir, I am only a street car conductor. You are the fourth man to mistake me for a policeman this afternoon.”—Wesleyan Wasp.

She was only a telephone girl, but she severed my connection with the university.—Alabama Rammer Jammer.

[Pg 37]

A certain man was suspected by his wife of receiving phone calls from other women. About twelve o’clock one night the following conversation could be heard:

Husband—Hello, Elmer.

“Is this you, Elmer?”

“You are Elmer?”

“Yes, I would, Elmer.”

“Certainly, I will, Elmer.”

“No, Elmer. All right, Elmer.”

“Of course I will, Elmer.”

“Well, goodby, Elmer.”

Then the man turned to his suspicious wife and said: “That was Elmer, dear.”—Missouri Outlaw.

“Hear about Jack? Went out too far in the ocean and drowned.”

“It surfs him right.”—Pennsylvania Punch Bowl.

First Housewife—Yes, I heard the noise and got up, and there, under the bed I saw a leg.

Second Ditto—Good heavens! The burglar’s?

“No; my husband’s. He had heard the noise, too.”—Answers.

A new airplane is equipped with a kitchen. When the cook wants to toss a pancake, he simply stands still and asks the pilot to loop the loop.—Humorist.

[Pg 38]

Globe Trotter: I’ll have to give it to your race, Mr. Goldstein. In every land I have visited I have found Hebrews with the exception of Alaska.

Mr. Goldstein: Alaska? Vell, I don’t know, but Iceberg ain’t no Presbyterian name, y’know.—Capper’s Weekly.

Doorkeeper—Sorry, sir, one ticket won’t admit two of you.

Reveler—But hang it, I’m dressed up as a Siamese twin, and my friend is merely a part of the costume.—Humorist.

“My carburetor is out of order, but I think I can put it right.”

“Have you a mechanical bent?”

“No, but perhaps my neighbor has one. I’ll borrow it.”—Answers.

He—Darling, I’ve made up my mind to stay at home.

She—Too late, dearest, I’ve made up my face to go out.—Judge.

Captain (to Irishman applying for job on board a ship)—Have you ever been to sea before?

The Son of Erin—Do you think I came over from Oirelin in a cab?—Answers.

[Pg 39]

Jimmy—For two cents I’d knock your block off.

Junior—So you’ve turned professional!—Life.

“I don’t believe in the obligation of the state to find work for its citizens.”

“Neither do I, but why are you so strong about it?”

“My brother’s just got six months’ hard labor.”—Dublin Opinion.

“When Betty got married we girls gave her a shower.”

“Yeah? I’ll bet her husband was glad to get her nice and clean.”—Penn State Froth.

Ethel—And do you think he will love me even more when we are married?

Mabel—Oh, sure! Why he is just crazy about a married woman, my dear.—Life.

“Mr. Druggist, is this lipstick kissproof?”

“Yes, miss. Will you have a test?”—Louisville Courier Journal.

Professor (to frosh)—Mr. Holstein, spell banana.

Frosh—B-a-n-an-a-n-an-a-n-a ... darnit, professor, I know how to spell it, but I don’t know when to stop.—Northwestern Purple Parrot.

[Pg 40]

Bridegroom—As soon as our wedding was over we drove away in our car.

Friend—Where did you spend the honeymoon?

Bridegroom—In the hospital.—Lustice Koelner Zeitung.

“You told me that horse you sold me would never give me any trouble.”

“Yes.”

“Well, he dropped dead while I was taking him home.”

“I only said he wouldn’t give you trouble; now I guarantee it.”—Judge.

“Excuse me, but this is your opera hat. I find I’ve been sitting on it.”

“Yes, it’s mine all right, but it’s not an opera hat.”—Passing Show.

“Mamma, are you going to get that fur coat from daddy for your birthday?”

“No, darling.”

“Have you tried throwing yourself on the floor and kicking like I do?”—Everybody’s Weekly.

“That girl gave me her phone number and it was certainly a descriptive one.”

“What was it?”

“8888.”—Judge.

[Pg 41]

Lady—Are you sure these lobsters are fresh?

Fishmonger—Madam, they are positively insulting.—Iowa Frivol.

“Look here, Rastus, I am paying you to cut that wood? What’s Mose doing it for? Did you hire him?”

“Yassuh, Ah is gwine to pay him $1.25 for the job.”

“But I was to pay you only a dollar.”

“Yassuh, but it’s wuth a quatah jus’ to be boss foh once.”—Capper’s Weekly.

Angel—I’m so sorry, we’ll have to stop. The car has run out of gas.

Chlorine—Oh, that’s all right. I brought a flask of gasoline along.—Pitt Panther.

Chicago Mother—And, now, my dear, go in and shoot father good night.—Virginia Reel.

Husband—Luella, I have a confession to make!

Wife—Oh, goody! Now I can try out my new revolver!—Judge.

New Patient—For weeks I’ve been fighting a terrible desire to kill myself, doctor.

Medico—Tut tut!

“But I’ve decided that suicide is a sin; so I’ve come to you.”—Answers.

[Pg 42]

“I had a ‘telephone date’ tonight.”

“A wiry guy?”

“No, a local operator.”—M. I. T. Voo Doo.

In Vienna an operatic tenor has been shot.

But only because his wife was jealous.—The Pink ’Un.

Voice (outside door)—Here’s a message from your friend in the next room, sir.

Gentleman (in bed)—Push it under the door.

Voice—I can’t, sir; I should spill it.—Tatler.

Wife—I think I’ve seen this play “Asbestos” before.

Hubby—Wife, don’t show your ignorance. That is a Latin word meaning “Welcome.”—Stevens Tech. Stone Mill.

Jones—Well, you’re married now, aren’t you?

Smith—Yes. I’ve been married two years. Two long years. Two long years too long.—Pennsylvania Punch Bowl.

“Father got so tough we had to kill him.”

“Ah, he died hard.”—Cornell Widow.

“Am I the kind of a girl you would give your name to?”

“Yes, but not my real name.”—Texas Ranger.

[Pg 43]

He—I’ve come to St. Louis to make an honest living.

Hee—Well, there’s not much competition.—Washington Dirge.

Mrs. Grub (after a tiff)—When I married you I didn’t know you were such a coward. I thought you were a brave man.

Grub—So did everybody else.—Answers.

“The nerve of that guy offering me ten dollars a week. What does he think I am—a college graduate?”—Cynic.

“Hallo, what are you doing here, old fellow?”

“I am on my honeymoon.”

“Where’s your wife?”

“Well, somebody must stay at home and look after the shop.”—Prague Press.

Mrs. Greene—Mary, how can you tell an old chicken from a young one?

Mary—By the teeth, ma’am.

“How silly! A chicken has no teeth.”

“No; but I have.”—Answers.

“Baby’s getting on wonderfully—I’m sure she’ll be able to walk soon.”

“D’you think it’s worth the trouble of teaching her—hardly anybody walks much nowadays.”—Prague Press.

[Pg 44]

It was a cool, clear evening in June. They were drifting slowly over the placid surface of the little mountain lake. Conversation had languished. The weather and the rest of the guests at the hotel had been discussed. At last a thought struck him.

“Have you heard our echo?” he asked; “it’s quite famous.”

“Oh, no; I’d love to,” she responded breathlessly.

“All right. Here goes; now listen—Halloo!”

“Halloo.”

“What are you doing?”

“None of your d—n business.”—Stevens Tech Stone Mill.

“What do you feed your dog on—table scraps?”

“Yes’m, and believe me, he gets an earful.”—Judge.

“My pen is my upkeep.”

“Are you an author?”

“Gosh, no. I raise hogs.”—Oklahoma Whirlwind.

Landlady—I think you had better board elsewhere.

Boarder—Yes, I often have.

Landlady—Often had what?

Boarder—Had better board elsewhere.—M. I. T. Voo Doo.

[Pg 45]

“Lay down, pup; lay down!” ordered the man. “Good doggie—lay down, I say.”

“You’ll have to say ‘Lie down,’ Mister,” declared a small bystander. “That’s a Boston terrier.”—M. I. T. Voo Doo.

Two stuttering blacksmiths had finished heating a piece of pig iron, and one placed it upon the anvil with a pair of tongs.

“H-h-h-h-hit it,” he stuttered to his helper.

“Wh-wh-wh—where?” asked the other.

“Ah, h-h-h-h-hell, we’ll have to h-h-heat it again now.”—Oklahoma Whirlwind.

“Dost know the Beer Dance, Shikh-Salah?”

“Nay, Ceghier-Ben-Alah, nay.”

“Oh, surely thou dost know. The one with all the hops in it.”—Virginia Reel.

First Drunk Man on Street Car—Shay, wot time ish it?

Second Ditto, pulling out knife—Ish Wednesday.

First Drunk—Shtop the car, ash where I get off.—Buffalo Bison.

“What has become of Schmidt?”

“He went to America and has made a name for himself there.”

“How?”

“He calls himself Smith now!”—Nebelspalter (Zurich).

[Pg 46]

Traveler—Why didn’t they build this hotel more than three stories high?

Hop—Well, they figured to build it higher, but their elevator cable wasn’t long enough to reach four stories.—Oregon Orange Owl.

“Do you believe in dreams, daddy?” asked Jink’s little son.

“I used to,” replied Jinks, “until I married one.”—Tid-Bits.

Bobby—Pa, what is status quo?

Pa—Something that comes in over the radio, I think.—Judge.

Billings—What, didn’t you duck when she threw that case at you?

Barnum—I did; but she allowed for the duck.—Judge.

“Is Mable’s new evening dress in style?”

“Well, it might have been in Adam and Eve’s time.”—Texas Ranger.

Fan—Look! Harvard is going to kick off.

Cynic—Heck!! They’ve been dead for years.—Wisconsin Octopus.

“There goes that ivy girl.”

“Ivy?”

“Yeah, clinging to that old ruin.”—Judge.

[Pg 47]

“Who is better to have around than a yes man?”

“A yes woman?”

“Right.”—Wisconsin Octopus.

“Verily, Hector did you hear the latest Scotch joke.”

“Proceed, Alcibiades.”

“A Scotchman just offered $25,000 for the first person to swim the Atlantic.”—Columbia Jester.

She was frightfully near-sighted and couldn’t recognize things more than a yard away. Her lover didn’t know of it yet and she was going to make sure he didn’t find out. Before he called this evening, she placed a pin in a tree about fifty feet from a bench where she was certain they would sit.

Sure enough, they strolled for some time in the garden and then he suggested sitting on the bench.

“Oh, look at the pin in that tree over here!” she exclaimed.

“Don’t be foolish! You couldn’t possibly see a pin in that tree over there. Why, it’s over fifty feet away.”

“You come with me and I’ll prove there’s a pin in that tree.”

She grabbed him by the hand and they started for the tree.

On the way, she stumbled over a cow.—Princeton Tiger.

[Pg 48]

“This tonic is no good.”

“What’s the matter?”

“All the directions it gives are for adults, and I never had them.”—Iowa Green Gander.

“Give me an example of incongruity.”

“A football team at Wellesley.”

“And another.”

“One at Harvard.”—Notre Dame Juggler.

“What’s an operetta?”

“Don’t be dumb—it’s a girl who works for the telephone company.”—Texas Ranger.

“My wife ran the car into the fence the other day and knocked some paint off.”

“Off what, the car or the fence?”

“Neither; off my wife.”—George Washington Ghost.

Teacher—Conjugate the verb “to swim.”

Pupil—Swim, swam, swum.

Teacher—Now conjugate the verb “to dim.”

Pupil—Say, are you trying to kid me?—Southern California Wampus.

Sue—What’s the point in calling your friend “Hesperus” all the time?

Lou—’Cause I always have to ride in that wreck of his.—Nebraska Awgawan.

[Pg 49]

“Is Claud still mopping floors at the hotel?”

“Yes, he’s the same old floor flusher.”—Western Reserve Red Cat.

Valencia—I feel certain that crullers are being made hereabouts.

Barcelona—Yes, smells extremely like a bakery doughnut?—West Point Pointer.

“What,” queries the fashion department of the Omaha Bee, “has become of the old-fashioned sash?” It still abounds, dearie, only nowadays it is called a skirt.—New York World.

Two Scotchmen went bathing.

One said:—I’ll bet you sixpence I can stay under water longer than you.

The Other said:—All right.

Both submerged. The police are still looking for the bodies.—Tit Bits.

Lucy—Did you hear that Joan’s grandmother was married yesterday?

Nancy—Well, it’s about time!—West Point Pointer.

Professor Beach—Name eleven of Shakespeare’s plays.

Waldo Dickman—“Ten Nights in a Barroom” and “The Merchant of Venice.”—Marietta Olio.

[Pg 50]

She—Aren’t you happy, now that the furniture people are willing to let you pay for the furniture by installments?

He—I would be if they’d let me pay the installments by installments.—Dublin Opinion.

He (blushing)—Do you play croquet?

She (fiery red)—No, mamma says it’s wicket.—Carnegie Puppet.

Nitt—What do you think of these talking pictures?

Witt—Don’t like ’em; they wake me up.—Judge.

“Do you know how to make a peach cordial?”

“Sure; send her some candy.”—Ohio State Sun Dial.

A lady ran away from her husband and went to live in a hotel.

After several days she went back to him. She said she couldn’t stand looking at the sign on the hotel door every time she went out; it troubled her conscience. The sign was: Think; have you left anything?—Judge.

Wanted—Bright young man to mangle.—Ottawa (Ont.) Gazette.

And that’s the saddest thing we’ve ever heard.—New Yorker.

[Pg 51]

“There’s a great picture here we ought to see.”

“What is it?”

“One of Rembrandt’s.”

“Let’s go. I haven’t been to the cinema for ages.”—Christian Science Monitor.

“Curse you, Mr. Whitmann, once more you are off your Beethoven!”

“And again, my dear Gershwitz, you have flown off the Handel.”—Judge.

Rich and Rude Motorist—A gallon of petrol, and hurry up. It’s push you need around here. That’s how I made my money. I pushed and pushed.

Boy—Well, sir, you’ll have to push some more. There ain’t a drop of petrol in the place!—Tit Bits.

“Are you engaged to him?”

“Yes,” answered the prudent girl. “But I have requested time to verify reports on his title and fortune.”

“That is not an engagement. That is an option.”—Washington Star.

Boy is missing in first pair of long pants.—Detroit Free Press.

But he may grow into them.—The New Yorker.

[Pg 52]

“I’m going down town to buy a sport dress.”

“But, you won’t need it at this time of the year.”

“Oh, yes, I will. I’m going to shoot my husband.”—Judge.

Whiz—I see that newspaper’s slogan is: “All the News That’s Fit to Print!” What becomes of the rest of it?

Bang—The tabloids use it.—Judge.

“How could you play hookey from the correspondence school?”

“I sent them an empty envelope.”—Boston Transcript.

“Does your wife drive the car?”

“Only when I am at the wheel.”—Boston Transcript.

“I have,” said the diplomat, “a secretary in whose secrecy I can trust absolutely. In the first place, she does not understand what I dictate, and the second, she forgets what she has written.”—Pathfinder.

“Give me a sentence with the word ‘Ethel’.”

“Ethel to be poor, ain’t it?”—Navy Log.

“Let’s get drunk and make merry.”

“Mary who?”—Dartmouth Jack O’Lantern.

[Pg 53]

He—Were you out last night, too?

She—I should say not, I only had a drop.—M. I. T. Voo Doo.

In the local museum there is a bust of a famous Scotchman. Rightly enough below his noble Caledonian features is a sign which reads, “Don’t Touch.”—Wisconsin Octopus.

Prof.—Can you give the definition of watt?

P. B. K.—A watt is an inquisitive pronoun.—Penn Punch Bowl.

First Rooster—What’s the old hen looking so glum about?

Second Male Chicken—Oh, she’s brooding over her chickens.—M. I. T. Voo Doo.

“Ah, good-mornin’, Mrs. Murphy, how is everythin’?”

“Sure, an’ I’m havin’ a grand time uv it between me husband and the fire. If I keep me oye on the wan the other is sure to go out.”—Answers.

“I see the bulls got ‘Slim’.”

“Yeah—jes’ as he was goin’ to the theatre to see ‘Abie’s Irish Rose’.”

“Oh well—he only got five years—he can see it when he comes out.”—Judge.

[Pg 54]

“Was your uncle’s life insured?”

“No, he was a total loss.”—Oklahoma Whirlwind.

“I got a hunch.”

“Really. I thought you were just round shouldered.”—Williams Purple Cow.

“This vacation I’m going to spend all my time ice skating, skiing and necking.”

“Where do you live?”

“Miami, Florida.”—Penn Punch Bowl.

Agent—Sir, I have an attachment for your typewriter.

Busy Man—Well, settle it with her. I can’t be bothered with your love affairs.—Dennison Flamingo.

Lady—You say your father was injured in an explosion. How did it happen?

Child—Well, Mother said it was too much yeast, but Father said it was too much sugar.—Iowa State Green Gander.

“What kind of a dress did Betty wear at the party last night?”

“I don’t remember; it was checked I think.”

“Say what kind of a party was that?”—Dennison Flamingo.

[Pg 55]

Doctor—What you need is a long sea voyage; can you manage it?

Patient—Quite easily. I’m captain on an ocean going liner.—Gaiety.

Hubby—I sure miss that old cuspidor since it’s been gone.

Wifey—You missed it before, too. That’s why it’s gone.—Capper’s Weekly.

“How did Bill go blind—bad liquor?”

“No; he saw a lighted cigarette in the dark and thought it was a keyhole.”—Virginia Reel.

Cat—I see Mable has a new dress.

Tom—Yes, she made it from odds and ends.

Cat—Well, it’s odd where it ends.—Stevens Tech. Stone Mill.

“Your wife is very broadminded, isn’t she?”

“Oh, wonderfully! She believes there are always two sides to every question—her own and her mother’s.”—Sydney Bulletin.

“I was coming over to see you last night.”

“I wish you had; I wasn’t home.”—Oregon Webfoot.

Jean—What are you stopping for, Tom?

Varnish—To see if I have a flat tire or not.—Nebraska Awgawan.

[Pg 56]

“How did you know that the car was crowded?”

“Why, even the men couldn’t get a seat.”—Rutgers Chanticleer.

“That girl reminds me of a crowbar.”

“How come?”

“There’s not much to crow about and she doesn’t bar anything.”—Lehigh Burr.

Small Dorothy—Mamma, why hasn’t Papa any hair?

Mother—Because he thinks so much, dear.

Dorothy—Why have you so much, Mamma?

Mother—Go away and do your lessons!—Iowa Frivol.

Passenger (on board)—Could I see the Captain?

First Mate—He’s forward, miss.

I’m not afraid. I’m used to men!—Answers.

Surgeon’s Daughter—I’ve been so anxious, dad, to find out if your operation on Mr. Bullion was successful.

Surgeon—Yes, yes. But I was only in the nick of time.

Daughter—Oh, so serious as that?

Surgeon—Serious? I shall say so! Another day or two and he would have recovered without it.—Sydney Bulletin.

[Pg 57]

Globe Trotter—Have you been to the Occident?

Mrs. New-Rich—No, really! Was anyone hurt?—Lehigh Burr.

“I left a bottle of Scotch in the train this morning.”

“Was it turned into the lost and found department?”

“No, but the fellow who found it was.”—Judge.

“Jack’s just been jilted by a street cleaner’s daughter.”

“Why doesn’t he sewer?”—Pitt Panther.

He—She tries so hard to appear natural.

She—That dress ought to be a big help.—Toronto Goblin.

Husband—Well, thank Heaven, the car is finally paid for!

Wife—Isn’t that splendid! Now we can turn it in on a new one.—Judge.

Belle—I’m going to sue that theme-corrector for libel.

Nell—Whaddyuh mean?

Belle—She said that my antecedents were mixed and my relatives couldn’t be worse.—Boston Beanpot.

[Pg 58]

First Spinster—Is it true that you are to be married, Miss Antique?

Second Ditto—No; but I am thankful for the rumor.—Answers.

Binks (teaching his wife to drive)—Release the clutch!

His Wife—Don’t be silly. I haven’t got it.—Answers.

“What were Webster’s last words?”

“Zymosis, zymotic, zymurgy.”—Pennsylvania Punch Bowl.

“The fraternity feud at Stanford is terrible.”

“Yes, I know. I’ve eaten there.”—Oregon Webfoot.

Father—I got a note from your teacher today.

Son—That’s all right, pa. I’ll keep it quiet.—Cornell Widow.

She—(anxiously)—Oh, sir, won’t you help a maiden in distress?

He—No, not in that dress.—Dartmouth Jack O’Lantern.

Diag—Is he dumb?

Nosis—Is he dumb? He broke his leg once and the S. P. C. A. wanted to shoot him.—Pitt Panther.

[Pg 59]

First College President: What is the difference between a beautiful and a dumb stenographer?

Second College President: You can fire the dumb one.—Wesleyan Wasp.

“By the way, Joe, don’t worry any more about that ten dollars you owe me.”

“How come? Don’t you want it?”

“Not that, but there’s no use both of us worrying about it.”—Dartmouth Jack-O’Lantern.

Prof—Make a sentence with the word “prestige” in it.

Stude—Last night I “prestige” pants and now look at them.—Cincinnati Cynic.

“Do you like running?”

“No the cinders always get in my eye.”—Brown Jug.

Browne—Did you give your wife that little lecture on economy you talked about?

Baker—Yes.

“Any result?”

“Yes, I’ve got to give up smoking.”—Answers.

Badly Bruised Boxer—I can ’ardly see ’im now.

Second—Never mind—’it ’im from memory.—London Opinion.

[Pg 60]

Two old maids went for a tramp in the woods. The tramp escaped.—Weslian Wasp.

“Did you see any signs of law and order when you were in Chicago?”

“There were some ‘Keep Off the Grass’ signs in the parks.”—Judge.

First Roman (at a Christian massacre)—We’ve got a capacity crowd, but still we’re losing money. The upkeep on the lions must be pretty heavy.

Second Roman—Yes, sir; these lions sure do eat the prophets.—Grinnell Malteaser.

Lady—I want to see some kid gloves for my eight year old daughter, please.

Polite Clerk—Yes, madame. White kid?

Lady—SIR!—Carolina Buccaneer.

Try this one on your girl: Get her to say “Stewed Prunes” with her eyes closed. It’s easy.—Texas Ranger.

The coach told him to do some shadow boxing, and he waited for the shadow to hit first.—Yale Record.

Absent Minded Business Man (after kissing his wife)—Now dear, I will dictate a couple of letters.—Arizona Kitty Kat.

[Pg 61]

Squire—How can I tell whether a man is a Christian or a Moslem?

Knight—Ask him for a cigarette; if he tells you to go to hell he is a Christian.—Cornell Widow.

Little Boy (returning from a swim)—Mother, Papa certainly is a good swimmer.

Mother—Why, sonny, your papa cannot swim a stroke.

Little Boy—Well, anyway, he can sure stay under water a long time.—Penn. Punch Bowl.

She—Why should I let you kiss me?

He—Well, if you want a technical explanation, it will take some time. It’s like this—

She—Oh, go ahead and kiss me.—Everybody’s Weekly.

Diner (trying to cut his steak)—Say, waiter, how was this steak cooked?

Waiter—Smothered with onions, sir.

Diner—Well, it sure died hard.—Yale Record.

He (mushily)—Thinking of me, darling?

She—Oh, was I laughing?—I’m so sorry.—Passing Show.

Wife—Golf, golf, golf. I really believe if you spent a Sunday home I should die.

Hubby—It’s no use talking like that, dear; you can’t bribe me.—Tatler.

[Pg 62]

“I can’t understand,” explained the restaurant manager, “why customers complain. This soup is really excellent.”

“They wouldn’t grumble, sir,” replied the waiter, “if the chef would admit it is soup. He says it’s coffee.”—Answers.

The emigrant was buying his ticket at the shipping office.

“And what about your trunk?” demanded the clerk.

“For what would I be wantin’ a thrunk?”

“To put your clothes in, of course,” replied the clerk.

“What?” cried the scandalized emigrant, “and me go naked?”—Tit Bits.

Wife—Every time you see a pretty girl you forget you are married.

Husband—You’re wrong, my dear. Nothing brings home the fact with so much force.—Chicago.

Betty—Have you any green lipstick?

Shop Assistant—Green lipstick?

Betty—Yes, a railway guide is taking me out tonight.—Everybody’s Weekly.

“The world is round, isn’t it?”

“Right-o.”

“Then if I wanted to go east, I could eventually get there by going west.”

“What are you, a taxi driver?”—Hamilton Royal Gaboon.