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Title: The Peace Egg and Other tales

Author: Juliana Horatia Ewing

Release Date: January 23, 2007 [EBook #20425]

Language: English

Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1

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                            THE PEACE EGG

                           AND OTHER TALES.



                                  BY

                        JULIANA HORATIA EWING.







                               LONDON:

              SOCIETY FOR PROMOTING CHRISTIAN KNOWLEDGE,

                     NORTHUMBERLAND AVENUE, W.C.

                     BRIGHTON: 129, NORTH STREET.

                   NEW YORK: E. & J. B. YOUNG & CO.


 [Published under the direction of the General Literature Committee.]

       *       *       *       *       *




CONTENTS.


THE PEACE EGG

A CHRISTMAS MUMMING PLAY

HINTS FOR PRIVATE THEATRICALS, I., II., III.

SNAP-DRAGONS

OLD FATHER CHRISTMAS

       *       *       *       *       *




THE PEACE EGG.




THE PEACE EGG.

A CHRISTMAS TALE.


Every one ought to be happy at Christmas. But there are many things
which ought to be, and yet are not; and people are sometimes sad even
in the Christmas holidays.

The Captain and his wife were sad, though it was Christmas Eve. Sad,
though they were in the prime of life, blessed with good health,
devoted to each other and to their children, with competent means, a
comfortable house on a little freehold property of their own, and, one
might say, everything that heart could desire. Sad, though they were
good people, whose peace of mind had a firmer foundation than their
earthly goods alone; contented people, too, with plenty of occupation
for mind and body. Sad--and in the nursery this was held to be past
all reason--though the children were performing that ancient and most
entertaining Play or Christmas Mystery of Good St. George of England,
known as _The Peace Egg_, for their benefit and behoof alone.

The play was none the worse that most of the actors were too young to
learn parts, so that there was very little of the rather tedious
dialogue, only plenty of dress and ribbons, and of fighting with the
wooden swords. But though St. George looked bonny enough to warm any
father's heart, as he marched up and down with an air learned by
watching many a parade in barrack-square and drill-ground, and though
the Valiant Slasher did not cry in spite of falling hard and the
Doctor treading accidentally on his little finger in picking him up,
still the Captain and his wife sighed nearly as often as they smiled,
and the mother dropped tears as well as pennies into the cap which the
King of Egypt brought round after the performance.


THE CAPTAIN'S WIFE.

Many many years back the Captain's wife had been a child herself, and
had laughed to see the village mummers act the Peace Egg, and had been
quite happy on Christmas Eve. Happy, though she had no mother. Happy,
though her father was a stern man, very fond of his only child, but
with an obstinate will that not even she dared thwart. She had lived
to thwart it, and he had never forgiven her. It was when she married
the Captain. The old man had a prejudice against soldiers, which was
quite reason enough, in his opinion, for his daughter to sacrifice the
happiness of her future life by giving up the soldier she loved. At
last he gave her her choice between the Captain and his own favour and
money. She chose the Captain, and was disowned and disinherited.

The Captain bore a high character, and was a good and clever officer,
but that went for nothing against the old man's whim. He made a very
good husband too; but even this did not move his father-in-law, who
had never held any intercourse with him or his wife since the day of
their marriage, and who had never seen his own grandchildren. Though
not so bitterly prejudiced as the old father, the Captain's wife's
friends had their doubts about the marriage. The place was not a
military station, and they were quiet country folk who knew very
little about soldiers, whilst what they imagined was not altogether
favourable to "red-coats" as they called them. Soldiers are
well-looking generally, it is true (and the Captain was more than
well-looking--he was handsome); brave, of course it is their business
(and the Captain had V.C. after his name and several bits of ribbon
on his patrol jacket). But then, thought the good people, they are
here to-day and gone to-morrow, you "never know where you have them";
they are probably in debt, possibly married to several women in
several foreign countries, and, though they are very courteous in
society, who knows how they treat their wives when they drag them off
from their natural friends and protectors to distant lands where no
one can call them to account?

"Ah, poor thing!" said Mrs. John Bull, junior, as she took off her
husband's coat on his return from business, a week after the Captain's
wedding, "I wonder how she feels? There's no doubt the old man behaved
disgracefully; but it's a great risk marrying a soldier. It stands to
reason, military men aren't domestic; and I wish--Lucy Jane, fetch
your papa's slippers, quick!--she'd had the sense to settle down
comfortably amongst her friends with a man who would have taken care
of her."

"Officers are a wild set, I expect," said Mr. Bull, complacently, as
he stretched his limbs in his own particular arm-chair, into which no
member of his family ever intruded. "But the red-coats carry the day
with plenty of girls who ought to know better. You women are always
caught by a bit of finery. However, there's no use our bothering _our_
heads about it. As she has brewed she must bake."

The Captain's wife's baking was lighter and more palatable than her
friends believed. The Captain (who took off his own coat when he came
home, and never wore slippers but in his dressing-room) was domestic
enough. A selfish companion must, doubtless, be a great trial amid the
hardships of military life, but when a soldier is kind-hearted, he is
often a much more helpful and thoughtful and handy husband than any
equally well-meaning civilian. Amid the ups and downs of their
wanderings, the discomforts of shipboard and of stations in the
colonies, bad servants, and unwonted sicknesses, the Captain's
tenderness never failed. If the life was rough the Captain was ready.
He had been, by turns, in one strait or another, sick-nurse, doctor,
carpenter, nursemaid, and cook to his family, and had, moreover, an
idea that nobody filled these offices quite so well as himself.
Withal, his very profession kept him neat, well-dressed, and active.
In the roughest of their ever-changing quarters he was a smarter man,
more like the lover of his wife's young days, than Mr. Bull amid his
stationary comforts. Then if the Captain's wife was--as her friends
said--"never settled," she was also for ever entertained by new
scenes; and domestic mischances do not weigh very heavily on people
whose possessions are few and their intellectual interests many. It is
true that there were ladies in the Captain's regiment who passed by
sea and land from one quarter of the globe to another, amid strange
climates and customs, strange trees and flowers, beasts and birds,
from the glittering snows of North America to the orchids of the Cape,
from beautiful Pera to the lily-covered hills of Japan, and who in no
place rose above the fret of domestic worries, and had little to tell
on their return but of the universal misconduct of servants, from
Irish "helps" in the colonies, to _compradors_ and China-boys at
Shanghai. But it was not so with the Captain's wife. Moreover, one
becomes accustomed to one's fate, and she moved her whole
establishment from the Curragh to Corfu with less anxiety than that
felt by Mrs. Bull over a port-wine stain on the best table-cloth.

And yet, as years went and children came, the Captain and his wife
grew tired of travelling. New scenes were small comfort when they
heard of the death of old friends. One foot of murky English sky was
dearer, after all, than miles of the unclouded heavens of the South.
The grey hills and overgrown lanes of her old home haunted the
Captain's wife by night and day, and home-sickness (that weariest of
all sicknesses) began to take the light out of her eyes before their
time. It preyed upon the Captain too. Now and then he would say,
fretfully, "I _should_ like an English resting-place, however small,
before _every-_body is dead! But the children's prospects have to be
considered." The continued estrangement from the old man was an
abiding sorrow also, and they had hopes that, if only they could get
to England, he might be persuaded to peace and charity this time.

At last they were sent home. But the hard old father still would not
relent. He returned their letters unopened. This bitter disappointment
made the Captain's wife so ill that she almost died, and in one month
the Captain's hair became iron-grey. He reproached himself for having
ever taken the daughter from her father, "to kill her at last," as he
said. And (thinking of his own children) he even reproached himself
for having robbed the old widower of his only child. After two years
at home his regiment was ordered to India. He failed to effect an
exchange, and they prepared to move once more--from Chatham to
Calcutta. Never before had the packing, to which she was so well
accustomed, been so bitter a task to the Captain's wife.

It was at the darkest hour of this gloomy time that the Captain came
in, waving above his head a letter which changed all their plans.

Now close by the old home of the Captain's wife there had lived a man,
much older than herself, who yet had loved her with a devotion as
great as that of the young Captain. She never knew it, for when he
saw that she had given her heart to his younger rival, he kept
silence, and he never asked for what he knew he might have had--the
old man's authority in his favour. So generous was the affection which
he could never conquer, that he constantly tried to reconcile the
father to his children whilst he lived, and, when he died, he
bequeathed his house and small estate to the woman he had loved.

"It will be a legacy of peace," he thought, on his death-bed. "The old
man cannot hold out when she and her children are constantly in sight.
And it may please GOD that I shall know of the reunion I have not been
permitted to see with my eyes."

And thus it came about that the Captain's regiment went to India
without him, and that the Captain's wife and her father lived on
opposite sides of the same road.


MASTER ROBERT.

The eldest of the Captain's children was a boy. He was named Robert,
after his grandfather, and seemed to have inherited a good deal of the
old gentleman's character, mixed with gentler traits. He was a fair,
fine boy, tall and stout for his age, with the Captain's regular
features, and (he flattered himself) the Captain's firm step and
martial bearing. He was apt--like his grandfather--to hold his own
will to be other people's law, and (happily for the peace of the
nursery) this opinion was devoutly shared by his brother Nicholas.
Though the Captain had sold his commission, Robin continued to command
an irregular force of volunteers in the nursery, and never was colonel
more despotic. His brothers and sister were by turn infantry, cavalry,
engineers, and artillery, according to his whim, and when his
affections finally settled upon the Highlanders of "The Black Watch,"
no female power could compel him to keep his stockings above his
knees, or his knickerbockers below them.

The Captain alone was a match for his strong-willed son.

"If you please, sir," said Sarah, one morning, flouncing in upon the
Captain, just as he was about to start for the neighbouring town,--"if
you please, sir, I wish you'd speak to Master Robert. He's past my
powers."

"I've no doubt of it," thought the Captain, but he only said, "Well,
what's the matter?"

"Night after night do I put him to bed," said Sarah, "and night after
night does he get up as soon as I'm out of the room, and says he's
orderly officer for the evening, and goes about in his night-shirt,
and his feet as bare as boards."

The Captain fingered his heavy moustache to hide a smile, but he
listened patiently to Sarah's complaints.

"It ain't so much _him_ I should mind, sir," she continued, "but he
goes round the beds and wakes up the other young gentlemen and Miss
Dora, one after another, and when I speak to him, he gives me all the
sauce he can lay his tongue to, and says he's going round the guards.
The other night I tried to put him back in his bed, but he got away
and ran all over the house, me hunting him everywhere, and not a sign
of him, till he jumps out on me from the garret-stairs and nearly
knocks me down. 'I've visited the outposts, Sarah,' says he; 'all's
well,' And off he goes to bed as bold as brass."

"Have you spoken to your mistress?" asked the Captain.

"Yes, sir," said Sarah. "And missis spoke to him, and he promised not
to go round the guards again."

"Has he broken his promise?" asked the Captain, with a look of anger,
and also of surprise.

"When I opened the door last night, sir," continued Sarah, in her
shrill treble, "what should I see in the dark but Master Robert
a-walking up and down with the carpet-brush stuck in his arm. 'Who
goes there?' says he. 'You owdacious boy!' says I. 'Didn't you
promise your ma you'd leave off them tricks?' 'I'm not going round the
guards,' says he; 'I promised not. But I'm for sentry-duty to-night.'
And say what I would to him, all he had for me was, 'You mustn't speak
to a sentry on duty.' So I says, 'As sure as I live till morning, I'll
go to your pa,' for he pays no more attention to his ma than to me,
nor to any one else."

"Please to see that the chair-bed in my dressing-room is moved into
your mistress's bedroom," said the Captain. "I will attend to Master
Robert."

With this Sarah had to content herself, and she went back to the
nursery. Robert was nowhere to be seen, and made no reply to her
summons. On this the unwary nursemaid flounced into the bedroom to
look for him, when Robert, who was hidden beneath a table, darted
forth, and promptly locked her in.

"You're under arrest," he shouted, through the keyhole.

"Let me out!" shrieked Sarah.

"I'll send a file of the guard to fetch you to the orderly room, by
and by," said Robert, "for 'preferring frivolous complaints.'" And he
departed to the farmyard to look at the ducks.

That night, when Robert went up to bed, the Captain quietly locked him
into his dressing-room, from which the bed had been removed.

"You're for sentry-duty to-night," said the Captain. "The carpet-brush
is in the corner. Good-evening."

As his father anticipated, Robert was soon tired of the sentry game in
these new circumstances, and long before the night had half worn away
he wished himself safely undressed and in his own comfortable bed. At
half-past twelve o'clock he felt as if he could bear it no longer, and
knocked at the Captain's door.

"Who goes there?" said the Captain.

"Mayn't I go to bed, please?" whined poor Robert.

"Certainly not," said the Captain. "You're on duty."

And on duty poor Robert had to remain, for the Captain had a will as
well as his son. So he rolled himself up in his father's railway-rug,
and slept on the floor.

The next night he was very glad to go quietly to bed, and remain
there.


IN THE NURSERY.

The Captain's children sat at breakfast in a large, bright nursery. It
was the room where the old bachelor had died, and now _her_ children
made it merry. This was just what he would have wished.

They all sat round the table, for it was breakfast-time. There were
five of them, and five bowls of boiled bread-and-milk smoked before
them. Sarah (a foolish, gossiping girl, who acted as nurse till better
could be found) was waiting on them, and by the table sat Darkie, the
black retriever, his long, curly back swaying slightly from the
difficulty of holding himself up, and his solemn hazel eyes fixed very
intently on each and all of the breakfast bowls. He was as silent and
sagacious as Sarah was talkative and empty-headed. The expression of
his face was that of King Charles I. as painted by Vandyke. Though
large, he was unassuming. Pax, the pug, on the contrary, who came up
to the first joint of Darkie's leg, stood defiantly on his dignity
(and his short stumps). He always placed himself in front of the
bigger dog, and made a point of hustling him in doorways and of going
first down-stairs. He strutted like a beadle, and carried his tail
more tightly curled than a bishop's crook. He looked as one may
imagine the frog in the fable would have looked, had he been able to
swell himself rather nearer to the size of the ox. This was partly due
to his very prominent eyes, and partly to an obesity favoured by
habits of lying inside the fender, and of eating meals proportioned
more to his consequence than to his hunger. They were both favourites
of two years' standing, and had very nearly been given away, when the
good news came of an English home for the family, dogs and all.

Robert's tongue was seldom idle, even at meals. "Are you a
Yorkshirewoman, Sarah?" he asked, pausing, with his spoon full in his
hand.

"No, Master Robert," said Sarah.

"But you understand Yorkshire, don't you? I can't, very often; but
Mamma can, and can speak it, too. Papa says Mamma always talks
Yorkshire to servants and poor people. She used to talk Yorkshire to
Themistocles, Papa said, and he said it was no good; for though
Themistocles knew a lot of languages, he didn't know that. And Mamma
laughed, and said she didn't know she did."--"Themistocles was our
man-servant in Corfu," Robin added, in explanation. "He stole lots of
things, Themistocles did; but Papa found him out."

Robin now made a rapid attack on his bread-and-milk, after which he
broke out again.

"Sarah, who is that tall old gentleman at church, in the seat near the
pulpit? He wears a cloak like what the Blues wear, only all blue, and
is tall enough for a Lifeguardsman. He stood when we were kneeling
down, and said _Almighty and most merciful Father_ louder than
anybody."

Sarah knew who the old gentleman was, and knew also that the children
did not know, and that their parents did not see fit to tell them as
yet. But she had a passion for telling and hearing news, and would
rather gossip with a child than not gossip at all. "Never you mind,
Master Robin," she said, nodding sagaciously. "Little boys aren't to
know everything."

"Ah, then, I know you don't know," replied Robert; "if you did, you'd
tell. Nicholas, give some of your bread to Darkie and Pax. I've done
mine. _For what we have received, the Lord make us truly thankful._
Say your grace and put your chair away, and come along. I want to hold
a court-martial!" And seizing his own chair by the seat, Robin carried
it swiftly to its corner. As he passed Sarah, he observed tauntingly,
"You pretend to know, but you don't."

"I do," said Sarah.

"You don't," said Robin.

"Your ma's forbid you to contradict, Master Robin," said Sarah; "and
if you do I shall tell her. I know well enough who the old gentleman
is, and perhaps I might tell you, only you'd go straight off and tell
again."

"No, no, I wouldn't!" shouted Robin. "I can keep a secret, indeed I
can! Pinch my little finger, and try. Do, do tell me, Sarah, there's a
dear Sarah, and then I shall know you know." And he danced round her,
catching at her skirts.

To keep a secret was beyond Sarah's powers.

"Do let my dress be, Master Robin," she said, "you're ripping out all
the gathers, and listen while I whisper. As sure as you're a living
boy, that gentleman's your own grandpapa."

Robin lost his hold on Sarah's dress; his arms fell by his side, and
he stood with his brows knit for some minutes, thinking. Then he said,
emphatically, "What lies you do tell, Sarah!"

"Oh, Robin!" cried Nicholas, who had drawn near, his thick curls
standing stark with curiosity, "Mamma said 'lies' wasn't a proper
word, and you promised not to say it again."

"I forgot," said Robin. "I didn't mean to break my promise. But she
does tell--ahem! _you know what_."

"You wicked boy!" cried the enraged Sarah; "how dare you to say such a
thing! and everybody in the place knows he's your ma's own pa."

"I'll go and ask her," said Robin, and he was at the door in a moment;
but Sarah, alarmed by the thought of getting into a scrape herself,
caught him by the arm.

"Don't you go, love; it'll only make your ma angry. There; it was all
my nonsense."

"Then it's not true?" said Robin, indignantly. "What did you tell me
so for?"

"It was all my jokes and nonsense," said the unscrupulous Sarah. "But
your ma wouldn't like to know I've said such a thing. And Master
Robert wouldn't be so mean as to tell tales, would he, love?"

"I'm not mean," said Robin, stoutly; "and I don't tell tales; but you
do, and you tell _you know what_, besides. However, I won't go this
time; but I'll tell you what--if you tell tales of me to Papa any
more, I'll tell him what you said about the old gentleman in the blue
cloak." With which parting threat Robin strode, off to join his
brothers and sister.

Sarah's tale had put the court-martial out of his head, and he leaned
against the tall fender, gazing at his little sister, who was tenderly
nursing a well-worn doll. Robin sighed.

"What a long time that doll takes to wear out, Dora!" said he. "When
will it be done?"

"Oh, not yet, not yet!" cried Dora, clasping the doll to her, and
turning away. "She's quite good, yet."

"How miserly you are," said her brother; "and selfish, too; for you
know I can't have a military funeral till you'll let me bury that old
thing."

Dora began to cry.

"There you go, crying!" said Robin, impatiently. "Look here: I won't
take it till you get the new one on your birthday. You can't be so
mean as not to let me have it then!"

But Dora's tears still fell. "I love this one so much," she sobbed. "I
love her better than the new one."

"You want both; that's it," said Robin, angrily. "Dora, you're the
meanest girl I ever knew!"

At which unjust and painful accusation Dora threw herself and the doll
upon their faces, and wept bitterly. The eyes of the soft-hearted
Nicholas began to fill with tears, and he squatted down before her,
looking most dismal. He had a fellow-feeling for her attachment to an
old toy, and yet Robin's will was law to him.

"Couldn't we make a coffin, and pretend the body was inside?" he
suggested.

"No, we couldn't," said Robin. "I wouldn't play the Dead March after
an empty candle-box. It's a great shame--and I promised she should be
chaplain in one of my night-gowns, too."

"Perhaps you'll get just as fond of the new one," said Nicholas,
turning to Dora.

But Dora only cried, "No, no! He shall have the new one to bury, and
I'll keep my poor, dear, darling Betsy." And she clasped Betsy tighter
than before.

"That's the meanest thing you've said yet," retorted Robin; "for you
know Mamma wouldn't let me bury the new one." And, with an air of
great disgust, he quitted the nursery.


"A MUMMING WE WILL GO."

Nicholas had sore work to console his little sister, and Betsy's
prospects were in a very unfavourable state, when a diversion was
caused in her favour by a new whim which put the military funeral out
of Robin's head.

After he left the nursery he strolled out of doors, and, peeping
through the gate at the end of the drive, he saw a party of boys going
through what looked like a military exercise with sticks and a good
deal of stamping; but, instead of mere words of command, they all
spoke by turns, as in a play. In spite of their strong Yorkshire
accent, Robin overheard a good deal, and it sounded very fine. Not
being at all shy, he joined them, and asked so many questions that he
soon got to know all about it. They were practising a Christmas
mumming-play, called "The Peace Egg." Why it was called thus they
could not tell, as there was nothing whatever about eggs in it, and so
far from being a play of peace, it was made up of a series of battles
between certain valiant knights and princes, of whom St. George of
England was the chief and conqueror. The rehearsal being over, Robin
went with the boys to the sexton's house (he was father to the "King
of Egypt"), where they showed him the dresses they were to wear. These
were made of gay-coloured materials, and covered with ribbons, except
that of the "Black Prince of Paradine," which was black, as became his
title. The boys also showed him the book from which they learned their
parts, and which was to be bought for one penny at the post-office
shop.

"Then are you the mummers who come round at Christmas, and act in
people's kitchens, and people give them money, that Mamma used to tell
us about?" said Robin.

St. George of England looked at his companions as if for counsel as to
how far they might commit themselves, and then replied, with Yorkshire
caution, "Well, I suppose we are."

"And do you go out in the snow from one house to another at night? and
oh, don't you enjoy it?" cried Robin.

"We like it well enough," St. George admitted.

Robin bought a copy of "The Peace Egg." He was resolved to have a
nursery performance, and to act the part of St. George himself. The
others were willing for what he wished, but there were difficulties.
In the first place, there are eight characters in the play, and there
were only five children. They decided among themselves to leave out
the "Fool," and Mamma said that another character was not to be acted
by any of them, or indeed mentioned; "the little one who comes in at
the end," Robin explained. Mamma had her reasons, and these were
always good. She had not been altogether pleased that Robin had bought
the play. It was a very old thing, she said, and very queer; not
adapted for a child's play. If Mamma thought the parts not quite fit
for the children to learn, they found them much too long; so in the
end she picked out some bits for each, which they learned easily, and
which, with a good deal of fighting, made quite as good a story of it
as if they had done the whole. What may have been wanting otherwise
was made up for by the dresses, which were charming.

Robin was St. George, Nicholas the Valiant Slasher, Dora the Doctor,
and the other two Hector and the King of Egypt. "And now we've no
Black Prince!" cried Robin in dismay.

"Let Darkie be the Black Prince," said Nicholas. "When you wave your
stick he'll jump for it, and then you can pretend to fight with him."

"It's not a stick, it's a sword," said Robin. "However, Darkie may be
the Black Prince."

"And what's Pax to be?" asked Dora; "for you know he will come if
Darkie does, and he'll run in before everybody else too."

"Then he must be the Fool," said Robin, "and it will do very well, for
the Fool comes in before the rest, and Pax can have his red coat on,
and the collar with the little bells."


CHRISTMAS EVE.

Robin thought that Christmas would never come. To the Captain and his
wife it seemed to come too fast. They had hoped it might bring
reconciliation with the old man, but it seemed they had hoped in vain.

There were times now when the Captain almost regretted the old
bachelor's bequest. The familiar scenes of her old home sharpened his
wife's grief. To see her father every Sunday in church, with marks of
age and infirmity upon him, but with not a look of tenderness for his
only child, this tried her sorely.

"She felt it less abroad," thought the Captain. "An English home in
which she frets herself to death is, after all, no great boon."

Christmas Eve came.

"I'm sure it's quite Christmas enough now," said Robin. "We'll have
'The Peace Egg' to-night."

So as the Captain and his wife sat sadly over their fire, the door
opened, and Pax ran in shaking his bells, and followed by the nursery
mummers. The performance was most successful. It was by no means
pathetic, and yet, as has been said, the Captain's wife shed tears.

"What is the matter, Mamma?" said St. George, abruptly dropping his
sword and running up to her.

"Don't tease Mamma with questions," said the Captain; "she is not very
well, and rather sad. We must all be very kind and good to poor dear
Mamma;" and the Captain raised his wife's hand to his lips as he
spoke. Robin seized the other hand and kissed it tenderly. He was very
fond of his mother. At this moment Pax took a little run, and jumped
on to Mamma's lap, where, sitting facing the company, he opened his
black mouth and yawned, with a ludicrous inappropriateness worthy of
any clown. It made everybody laugh.

"And now we'll go and act in the kitchen," said Nicholas.

"Supper at nine o'clock, remember," shouted the Captain. "And we are
going to have real frumenty and Yule cakes, such as Mamma used to tell
us of when we were abroad."

"Hurray!" shouted the mummers, and they ran off, Pax leaping from his
seat just in time to hustle the Black Prince in the doorway. When the
dining-room door was shut, St. George raised his hand, and said
"Hush!"

The mummers pricked their ears, but there was only a distant harsh and
scraping sound, as of stones rubbed together.

"They're cleaning the passages," St. George went on, "and Sarah told
me they meant to finish the mistletoe, and have everything cleaned up
by supper-time. They don't want us, I know. Look here, we'll go _real
mumming_ instead. That _will_ be fun!"

The Valiant Slasher grinned with delight.

"But will mamma let us?" he inquired.

"Oh, it will be all right if we're back by supper-time," said St.
George, hastily. "Only of course we must take care not to catch cold.
Come and help me to get some wraps."

The old oak chest in which spare shawls, rugs, and coats were kept was
soon ransacked, and the mummers' gay dresses hidden by motley
wrappers. But no sooner did Darkie and Pax behold the coats, &c., than
they at once began to leap and bark, as it was their custom to do when
they saw any one dressing to go out. Robin was sorely afraid that this
would betray them; but though the Captain and his wife heard the
barking they did not guess the cause.

So the front door being very gently opened and closed, the nursery
mummers stole away.


THE NURSERY MUMMERS AND THE OLD MAN.

It was a very fine night. The snow was well trodden on the drive, so
that it did not wet their feet, but on the trees and shrubs it hung
soft and white.

"It's much jollier being out at night than in the daytime," said
Robin.

"Much," responded Nicholas, with intense feeling.

"We'll go a wassailing next week," said Robin. "I know all about it,
and perhaps we shall get a good lot of money, and then we'll buy tin
swords with scabbards for next year. I don't like these sticks. Oh,
dear, I wish it wasn't so long between one Christmas and another."

"Where shall we go first?" asked Nicholas, as they turned into the
high-road. But before Robin could reply, Dora clung to Nicholas,
crying, "Oh, look at those men!"

The boys looked up the road, down which three men were coming in a
very unsteady fashion, and shouting as they rolled from side to side.

"They're drunk," said Nicholas; "and they're shouting at us."

"Oh, run, run!" cried Dora; and down the road they ran, the men
shouting and following them. They had not run far, when Hector caught
his foot in the Captain's great-coat, which he was wearing, and came
down headlong in the road. They were close by a gate, and when
Nicholas had set Hector upon his legs, St. George hastily opened it.

"This is the first house," he said. "We'll act here;" and all, even
the Valiant Slasher, pressed in as quickly as possible. Once safe
within the grounds, they shouldered their sticks, and resumed their
composure.

"You're going to the front door," said Nicholas, "Mummers ought to go
to the back."

"We don't know where it is," said Robin, and he rang the front-door
bell. There was a pause. Then lights shone, steps were heard, and at
last a sound of much unbarring, unbolting, and unlocking. It might
have been a prison. Then the door was opened by an elderly,
timid-looking woman, who held a tallow candle above her head.

"Who's there," she said, "at this time of night?"

"We're Christmas mummers," said Robin, stoutly; "we don't know the way
to the back door, but--"

"And don't you know better than to come here?" said the woman. "Be off
with you, as fast as you can."

"You're only the servant," said Robin. "Go and ask your master and
mistress if they wouldn't like to see us act. We do it very well."

"You impudent boy, be off with you!" repeated the woman. "Master'd no
more let you nor any other such rubbish set foot in this house--"

"Woman!" shouted a voice close behind her, which made her start as if
she had been shot, "who authorizes you to say what your master will or
will not do, before you've asked him? The boy is right. You _are_ the
servant, and it is not your business to choose for me whom I shall or
shall not see."

"I meant no harm, sir, I'm sure," said the housekeeper; "but I thought
you'd never--"

"My good woman," said her master, "if I had wanted somebody to think
for me, you're the last person I should have employed. I hire you to
obey orders, not to think."

"I'm sure, sir," said the housekeeper, whose only form of argument was
reiteration, "I never thought you would have seen them--"

"Then you were wrong," shouted her master. "I will see them. Bring
them in."

He was a tall, gaunt old man, and Robin stared at him for some
minutes, wondering where he could have seen somebody very like him. At
last he remembered. It was the old gentleman of the blue cloak.

The children threw off their wraps, the housekeeper helping them, and
chattering ceaselessly, from sheer nervousness.

"Well, to be sure," said she, "their dresses are pretty too. And they
seem quite a better sort of children, they talk quite genteel. I might
ha' knowed they weren't like common mummers, but I was so flusterated
hearing the bell go so late, and--"

"Are they ready?" said the old man, who had stood like a ghost in the
dim light of the flaring tallow candle, grimly watching the
proceedings.

"Yes, sir. Shall I take them to the kitchen, sir?"

"--for you and the other idle hussies to gape and grin at? No. Bring
them to the library," he snapped, and then stalked off, leading the
way.

The housekeeper accordingly led them to the library, and then
withdrew, nearly falling on her face as she left the room by stumbling
over Darkie, who slipped in last like a black shadow.

The old man was seated in a carved oak chair by the fire.

"I never said the dogs were to come in," he said.

"But we can't do without them, please," said Robin, boldly. "You see
there are eight people in 'The Peace Egg,' and there are only five of
us; and so Darkie has to be the Black Prince, and Pax has to be the
Fool, and so we have to have them."

"Five and two make seven," said the old man, with a grim smile; "what
do you do for the eighth?"

"Oh, that's the little one at the end," said Robin, confidentially.
"Mamma said we weren't to mention him, but I think that's because
we're children.--You're grown up, you know, so I'll show you the book,
and you can see for yourself," he went on, drawing "The Peace Egg"
from his pocket: "there, that's the picture of him, on the last page;
black, with horns and a tail."

The old man's stern face relaxed into a broad smile as he examined the
grotesque woodcut; but when he turned to the first page the smile
vanished in a deep frown, and his eyes shone like hot coals with
anger. He had seen Robin's name.

"Who sent you here?" he asked, in a hoarse voice. "Speak, and speak
the truth! Did your mother send you here?"

Robin thought the old man was angry with them for playing truant. He
said, slowly, "N--no. She didn't exactly send us; but I don't think
she'll mind our having come if we get back in time for supper. Mamma
never _forbid_ our going mumming, you know."

"I don't suppose she ever thought of it," Nicholas said, candidly,
wagging his curly head from side to side.

"She knows we're mummers," said Robin, "for she helped us. When we
were abroad, you know, she used to tell us about the mummers acting
at Christmas, when she was a little girl; and so we thought we'd be
mummers, and so we acted to Papa and Mamma, and so we thought we'd act
to the maids, but they were cleaning the passages, and so we thought
we'd really go mumming; and we've got several other houses to go to
before supper-time; we'd better begin, I think," said Robin; and
without more ado he began to march round and round, raising his sword
and shouting--

    "I am St. George, who from Old England sprung,
    My famous name throughout the world hath rung."

And the performance went off quite as creditably as before.

As the children acted the old man's anger wore off. He watched them
with an interest he could not repress. When Nicholas took some hard
thwacks from St. George without flinching, the old man clapped his
hands; and, after the encounter between St. George and the Black
Prince, he said he would not have had the dogs excluded on any
consideration. It was just at the end, when they were all marching
round and round, holding on by each other's swords "over the
shoulder," and singing "A mumming we will go," &c., that Nicholas
suddenly brought the circle to a standstill by stopping dead short,
and staring up at the wall before him.

"What _are_ you stopping for?" said St. George, turning indignantly
round.

"Look there!" cried Nicholas, pointing to a little painting which hung
above the old man's head.

Robin looked, and said, abruptly, "It's Dora."

"Which is Dora?" asked the old man, in a strange, sharp tone.

"Here she is," said Robin and Nicholas in one breath, as they dragged
her forward.

"She's the Doctor," said Robin; "and you can't see her face for her
things. Dor, take off your cap and pull back that hood. There! Oh, it
_is_ like her!"

It was a portrait of her mother as a child; but of this the nursery
mummers knew nothing. The old man looked as the peaked cap and hood
fell away from Dora's face and fair curls, and then he uttered a sharp
cry, and buried his head upon his hands. The boys stood stupefied, but
Dora ran up to him, and putting her little hands on his arms, said, in
childish pitying tones, "Oh, I am so sorry! Have you got a headache?
May Robin put the shovel in the fire for you? Mamma has hot shovels
for her headaches." And, though the old man did not speak or move, she
went on coaxing him, and stroking his head, on which the hair was
white. At this moment Pax took one of his unexpected runs, and jumped
on to the old man's knee, in his own particular fashion, and then
yawned at the company. The old man was startled, and lifted his face
suddenly. It was wet with tears.

"Why, you're crying!" exclaimed the children, with one breath.

"It's very odd," said Robin, fretfully. "I can't think what's the
matter to-night. Mamma was crying too when we were acting, and Papa
said we weren't to tease her with questions, and he kissed her hand,
and I kissed her hand too. And Papa said we must all be very good and
kind to poor dear Mamma, and so I mean to be, she's so good. And I
think we'd better go home, or perhaps she'll be frightened," Robin
added.

"She's so good, is she?" asked the old man. He had put Pax off his
knee, and taken Dora on to it.

"Oh, isn't she!" said Nicholas, swaying his curly head from side to
side as usual.

"She's always good," said Robin, emphatically; "and so's Papa. But I'm
always doing something I oughtn't to," he added, slowly. "But then,
you know, I don't pretend to obey Sarah. I don't care a fig for Sarah;
and I won't obey any woman but Mamma."

"Who's Sarah?" asked the grandfather.

"She's our nurse," said Robin, "and she tells--I mustn't say what she
tells--but it's not the truth. She told one about _you_ the other
day," he added.

"About me?" said the old man.

"She said you were our grandpapa. So then I knew she was telling _you
know what_."

"How did you know it wasn't true?" the old man asked.

"Why, of course," said Robin, "if you were our Mamma's father, you'd
know her, and be very fond of her, and come and see her. And then
you'd be our grandfather, too, and you'd have us to see you, and
perhaps give us Christmas-boxes. I wish you were," Robin added with a
sigh. "It would be very nice."

"Would _you_ like it?" asked the old man of Dora.

And Dora, who was half asleep and very comfortable, put her little
arms about his neck as she was wont to put them round the Captain's,
and said, "Very much."

He put her down at last, very tenderly, almost unwillingly, and left
the children alone. By and by he returned, dressed in the blue cloak,
and took Dora up again.

"I will see you home," he said.

The children had not been missed. The clock had only just struck nine
when there came a knock on the door of the dining-room, where the
Captain and his wife still sat by the Yule log. She said "Come in,"
wearily, thinking it was the frumenty and the Christmas cakes.

But it was her father, with her child in his arms!


PEACE AND GOODWILL.

Lucy Jane Bull and her sisters were quite old enough to understand a
good deal of grown-up conversation when they overheard it. Thus, when
a friend of Mrs. Bull's observed during an afternoon call that she
believed that "officers' wives were very dressy," the young ladies
were at once resolved to keep a sharp look-out for the Captain's
wife's bonnet in church on Christmas Day.

The Bulls had just taken their seats when the Captain's wife came in.
They really would have hid their faces, and looked at the bonnet
afterwards, but for the startling sight that met the gaze of the
congregation. The old grandfather walked into church abreast of the
Captain.

"They've met in the porch," whispered Mr. Bull, under the shelter of
his hat.

"They can't quarrel publicly in a place of worship," said Mrs. Bull,
turning pale.

"She's gone into his seat," cried Lucy Jane in a shrill whisper.

"And the children after her," added the other sister, incautiously
aloud.

There was now no doubt about the matter. The old man in his blue cloak
stood for a few moments politely disputing the question of precedence
with his handsome son-in-law. Then the Captain bowed and passed in,
and the old man followed him.

By the time that the service was ended everybody knew of the happy
peacemaking, and was glad. One old friend after another came up with
blessings and good wishes. This was a proper Christmas, indeed, they
said. There was a general rejoicing.

But only the grandfather and his children knew that it was hatched
from "The Peace Egg."




A CHRISTMAS MUMMING PLAY.




A CHRISTMAS MUMMING PLAY.

INTRODUCTION.


Since a little story of mine called "The Peace Egg" appeared in _Aunt
Judy's Magazine_, I have again and again been asked where the Mumming
Play could be found which gave its name to my tale, and if real
children could act it, as did the fancy children of my story.

As it stands, this old Christmas Mumming Play (which seems to have
borrowed the name of an Easter Entertainment or Pasque Egg) is not fit
for domestic performance; and though probably there are few nurseries
in those parts of England where "mumming" and the sword-dance still
linger, in which the children do not play some version of St. George's
exploits, a little of the dialogue goes a long way, and the mummery
(which must almost be seen to be imitated) is the chief matter.

In fact, the mummery _is_ the chief matter--which is what makes the
play so attractive to children, and, it may be added, so suitable for
their performance. In its rudeness, its simplicity, its fancy
dressing, the rapid action of the plot, and last, but not least, its
_bludginess_--that quality which made the history of Goliath so dear
to the youngest of Helen's Babies!--it is adapted for nursery
amusement, as the Drama of Punch and Judy is, and for similar reasons.

For some little time past I have purposed to try and blend the various
versions of "Peace Egg" into one Mummery for the nursery, with as
little change of the old rhymes as might be. I have been again urged
to do so this Christmas, and though I have not been able to give so
much time or research to it as I should have liked, I have thought it
better to do it without further delay, even if somewhat imperfectly.

To shuffle the characters and vary the text is nothing new in the
history of these "Mock Plays," as they were sometimes called.

They are probably of very ancient origin--"Pagan, I regret to say," as
Mr. Pecksniff observed in reference to the sirens--and go back to "the
heathen custom of going about on the Kalends of January in disguises,
as wild beasts and cattle, the sexes changing apparel," (There is a
relic of this last unseemly custom still in "The Old Tup" and "The Old
Horse"; when these are performed by both girls and boys, the latter
wear skirts and bonnets, the former hats and great-coats; this is also
the case in Scotland where the boys and girls go round at Hogmanay.)

In the 12th century the clergy introduced miracle plays and Scripture
histories to rival the performances of the strolling players, which
had become very gross. They became as popular as beneficial, and
London was famous for them. Different places, and even trade-guilds
and schools, had their differing "mysteries."

Secular plays continued, and the two seem occasionally to have got
mixed. Into one of the oldest of old plays, "St. George and the
Dragon," the Crusaders and Pilgrims introduced the Eastern characters
who still remain there. This is the foundation of "The Peace Egg."
About the middle of the 15th century, plays, which, not quite
religious, still witnessed to the effect of the religious plays in
raising the standard of public taste, appeared under the name of
"Morals," or "Moralities."

Christmas plays, masques, pageants, and the like were largely
patronized by the Tudor sovereigns, and the fashion set by the Court
was followed in the country. Queen Elizabeth was not only devoted to
the drama, and herself performed, but she was very critical and
exacting; and the high demand which she did so much to stimulate, was
followed by such supply as was given by the surpassing dramatic
genius of the Elizabethan age of literature. Later, Ben Jonson and
Inigo Jones combined to produce the Court masks, one of which,--the
well-known "Mask of Christmas," had for chief characters, Christmas
and his children, Misrule, Carol, Mince Pie, Gambol, Post and Pair,
New Year's Gift, Mumming, Wassel, Offering, and Baby's Cake. In the
17th century the Christmas Mummeries of the Inns of Court were
conducted with great magnificence and at large cost.

All such entertainments were severely suppressed during the
Commonwealth, at which time the words "Welcome, or not welcome, I am
come," were introduced into Father Christmas's part.

At one time the Jester of the piece (he is sometimes called the
Jester, and sometimes the Fool, or the Old Fool) used to wear a calf's
hide. Robin Goodfellow says, "I'll go put on my devilish robes--I mean
my Christmas calf's-skin suit--and then walk to the woods." "I'll put
me on my great carnation nose, and wrap me in a rousing calf-skin
suit, and come like some hobgoblin." And a character of the 18th
century "clears the way" with--

    "My name is Captain Calftail, Calftail--
      And on my back it is plain to be seen,
    Although I am simple and wear a fool's cap,
      I am dearly beloved of a queen--"

which looks as if Titania had found her way into that mummery!

"The Hobby Horse's" costume was a horse's hide, real or imitated. I
have no copy of a Christmas Play in which the Hobby Horse appears. In
the north of England, "The Old Horse" and "The Old Tup" are the
respective heroes of their own peculiar mummeries, generally performed
by a younger, or perhaps a rougher, set of lads than those who play
the more elegant mysteries of St. George. The boy who acts "Old Tup"
has a ram's head impaled upon a short pole, which he grasps and uses
as a sort of wooden leg in front of him. He needs some extra support,
his back being bent as If for leap-frog, and covered with an old rug
(in days when "meat" was cheaper it was probably a hide). The hollow
sound of his peg-leg upon the "flags" of the stone passages and
kitchen floor, and the yearly test of courage supplied by the rude
familiarities of his gruesome head as he charged and dispersed maids
and children, amid shrieks and laughter, are probably familiar
memories of all Yorkshire, Lancashire, and Derbyshire childhoods. I do
not know if the Old Horse and the Old Tup belong to other parts of the
British Isles. It is a rude and somewhat vulgar performance,
especially if undertaken by older revellers, when the men wear skirts
and bonnets, and the women don great-coats and hats--the Fool, the
Doctor, and a darker character with a besom, are often of the party,
but the Knights of Christendom and the Eastern Potentates take no
share in these proceedings, which are oftenest and most inoffensively
performed by little boys not yet promoted to be "mummers." It is,
however, essential that one of them should have a good voice, true and
tuneful enough to sing a long ballad, and lead the chorus.

In the scale of contributions to the numerous itinerant Christmas
Boxes of Christmas week--such as the Ringers, the Waits, the Brass
Band, the Hand-bells, the Mummers (Peace Egg), the Superior Mummers,
who do more intricate sword-play (and in the North Riding are called
Morris Dancers), &c. &c., the Old Tup stands low down on the list. I
never heard the Rhymes of the Old Horse; they cannot be the same.
These diversions are very strictly localized and handed on by word of
mouth.

Of the best version of "Peace Egg" which I have seen performed, I have
as yet quite vainly endeavoured to get any part transcribed. It is
oral tradition. It is practised for some weeks beforehand, and the
costumes, including wonderful head-dresses about the size of the
plumed bonnet of a Highlander in full-dress, are carefully preserved
from year to year. These paste-board erections are covered with
flowers, feathers, bugles, and coloured streamers. The dresses are of
coloured calico, with ribbons everywhere; "points" to the breeches and
hose, shoulder-knots and sashes.

But, as a rough rule, it is one of the conveniences of mumming play,
that the finery may be according to the taste and the resources of the
company.

The swords are of steel, and those I have seen are short. In some
places I believe rapiers are used. I am very sorry to be unable to
give proper directions for the sword-play, which is so pretty. I have
only one version in which such directions are given. I have copied the
"Grand Sword Dance" in its proper place for the benefit of those who
can interpret it. It is not easy to explain in writing even so much of
it as I know. Each combat consists of the same number of cuts, to the
best of my remembrance, and the "shoulder cuts" (which look very like
two persons sharpening two knives as close as possible to each other's
nose!) are in double time, twice as quick as the others. The stage
directions are as follows:--

   A. and B. fight

Cut I  ... ...  Crossing each other.
        (They change places, striking as they pass.)

Cut 2  ... ...    "     "     back.

Cut 3  ... ...    "     "     other.

Cut 4  ... ...    "     "     back.

Four shoulder cuts.

  A. loses his sword and falls.

But I do not think the version from which this is an extract is at all
an elaborate one. There ought to be a "Triumph," with an archway of
swords, in the style of Sir Roger de Coverley. After the passing and
repassing strokes, there is usually much more hand-to-hand fighting,
then four shoulder cuts, and some are aimed high and some down among
their ankles, in a way which would probably be quite clear to any one
trained in broadsword exercise.

The following Christmas Mumming Play is compiled from five
versions--the "Peace Egg," the "Wassail Cup," "Alexander the Great,"
"A Mock Play," and the "Silverton Mummer's Play" (Devon), which has
been lent to me in manuscript.

The Mumming Chorus, "And a mumming we will go," &c., is not in any one
of these versions, but I never saw mumming without it.

The Silverton version is an extreme example of the continuous
development of these unwritten dramas. Generation after generation,
the most incongruous characters have been added. In some cases this is
a very striking testimony to the strength of rural sympathy with the
great deeds and heroes of the time, as well as to native talent for
dramatic composition.

Wellington and Wolfe almost eclipsed St. George in some parts of
England, and the sea Heroes are naturally popular in Devonshire. The
death of Nelson in the Silverton play has fine dramatic touches.
Though he "has but one arm and a good one too," he essays to
fight--whether Tippo Saib or St. George is not made clear. He falls,
and St. George calls for the Doctor in the usual words. The Doctor
ends his peculiar harangue with: "Britons! our Nelson is dead." To
which a voice, which seems to play the part of Greek chorus,
responds--"But he is not with the dead, but in the arms of the Living
God!" Then, enter Collingwood--

    "_Collingwood_--Here comes I, bold Collingwood,
                    Who fought the French and boldly stood;
                    And now the life of that bold Briton's gone,
                    I'll put the crown of victory on"--

with which--"he takes the crown off Nelson's head and puts it on his
own."

I have, however, confined myself in "The Peace Egg" to those
characters which have the warrant of considerable antiquity, and their
number is not small. They can easily be reduced by cutting out one or
two; or some of the minor characters could play more than one part, by
making real exits and changing the dress, instead of the conventional
exit into the background of the group.

Some of these minor characters are not the least charming. The fair
Sabra (who is often a mute) should be the youngest and prettiest
little maid that can toddle through her part, and no old family
brocade can be too gorgeous for her. The Pretty Page is another part
for a "very little one," and his velvets and laces should become him.
They contrast delightfully with Dame Dolly and Little Man Jack, and
might, if needful, be played by the same performers.

I have cut out everything that could possibly offend, except the
line--"Take him and give him to the flies." It betrays an experience
of Asiatic battlefields so terribly real, that I was unwilling to
abolish this unconscious witness to the influence of Pilgrims and
Crusaders on the Peace Egg. It is easily omitted.

I have dismissed the Lord of Flies, Beelzebub, and (with some
reluctance) "Little Devil Doubt" and his besom. I had a mind to have
retained him as "The Demon of Doubt," for he plays in far higher
dramas. His besom also seems to come from the East, where a figure
"sweeping everything out" with a broom is the first vision produced in
the crystal or liquid in the palm of a medium by the magicians of
Egypt.

Those who wish to do so can admit him at the very end, after the sword
dance, very black, and with a besom, a money-box, and the following
doggrel:

    In come I, the Demon of Doubt,
    If you don't give me money I'll sweep you all out;
    Money I want and money I crave,
    Money I want and money I'll have.

He is not a taking character--unless to the antiquary! I have
substituted the last line for the less decorous original, "If you
don't give me money, I'll sweep you all to the grave."

It is perhaps only the antiquary who will detect the connection
between the Milk Pail and the Wassail Cup in the Fool's Song. But it
seems at one time to have been made of milk. In a play of the 16th
century it is described as--

    "Wassayle, wassayle, out of the mylke payle;
    Wassayle, wassayle, as white as my nayle,"

and Selden calls it "a slabby stuff," which sounds as if it had got
mixed up with frumenty.

Since the above went to press, I have received some extracts from the
unwritten version of "Peace Egg" in the West Riding of Yorkshire to
which I have alluded. They recall to me that the piece properly opens
with a "mumming round," different to the one I have given, _that_ one
belonging to the end. The first Mumming Song rehearses each character
and his exploits. The hero of the verse which describes him singing
(autobiographically!) his own doughty deeds in the third person. Thus
St. George begins; I give it in the vernacular.

    "The first to coom in is the Champion bould,
    The Champion bould is he,
    He never fought battle i' all his loife toim,
    But he made his bould enemy flee, flee, flee,
    He made his bould enemy flee."

The beauty of this song is the precision with which each character
enters and joins the slowly increasing circle. But that is its only
merit. It is wretched doggrel, and would make the play far too
tedious. I was, however, interested by this verse:--

    The next to come in is the Cat and Calftail,
    The Cat and Calftail is he;
    He'll beg and he'll borrow, and he'll steal all he can,
    But he'll never pay back one penny, penny,
    He'll never pay back one penny.

Whether "Cat and Calftail" is a corruption of Captain Calftail or
(more likely) Captain Calftail was evolved from a Fool in Calf's hide
and Cat's skins, it is hard to say. They are evidently one and the
same shabby personage!

The song which I have placed at the head of the Peace Egg Play has
other verses which also recite "the argument" of the piece, but not
one is worth recording. A third song does not, I feel sure, belong to
the classic versions, but to another "rude and vulgar" one, which I
have not seen for some years, and which was played in a dialect dark,
even to those who flattered themselves that they were to the manner
born. In it St. George and the Old Fool wrangle, the O.F. accusing the
Patron Saint of England of stealing clothes hung out to dry on the
hedges. St. George, who has previously boasted--

    I've travelled this world all round,
    And hope to do it again,
    I was once put out of my way
    By a hundred and forty men--

--indignantly denies the theft, and adds that, on the contrary, he has
always sent home money to his old mother. To which the Old Fool
contemptuously responds--

    All the relations thou had were few,
    Thou had an Old Granny I knew,
    She went a red-cabbage selling,
    As a many old people do.

In either this, or another, rough version, the hero (presumably St.
George) takes counsel with Man Jack on his love affairs. Man Jack is
played by a small boy in a very tall beaver hat, and with his face
blacked.

"My Man Jack, what can the matter be?
That I should luv this lady, and she will not luv me."

ST. GEORGE and MAN JACK.

  No, nor nayther will she walk {with me
                                {with thee.

  No, nor nayther will she talk {with me
                                {with thee.

But the true "Peace Egg," if _bludgy_, is essentially a heroic play,
and I think the readers of _Aunt Judy's Magazine_ will be content that
I have omitted accretions which are not the less vulgar because they
are old.

In refining and welding the piece together, I have introduced thirty
lines of my own, in various places. The rest is genuine.

J. H. E.




THE PEACE EGG.

A CHRISTMAS MUMMING PLAY.

_Written expressly for all Mummers, to commemorate the Holy Wars, and
the happy Festival of Christmas._


DRAMATIS PERSONÆ.

ST. GEORGE OF ENGLAND (_he must wear a rose_).

ST. ANDREW OF SCOTLAND(_he must wear a thistle_).

ST. PATRICK OF IRELAND(_he must wear the shamrock_).

ST. DAVID OF WALES(_he must wear a leek_).

SALADIN, A PAGAN GIANT OF PALESTINE(_a very tall grown-up
actor would be effective_).

THE KING OF EGYPT(_in a turban and crown_).

THE PRINCE OF PARADINE, HIS SON(_face blacked, and it is_
"tradition" _to play this part in weeds, as if he were Hamlet_).

THE TURKISH KNIGHT(_Eastern costume_).

HECTOR.

THE VALIANT SLASHER (_old yeomanry coat, &c., is effective_).

THE DRAGON(_a paste-board head, with horrid jaws, if possible.
A tail, and paws with claws_).

THE FOOL(_Motley: with a bauble long enough to put over his shoulder
and be held by the one behind in the mumming circle_).

OLD FATHER CHRISTMAS(_white beard, &c., and a staff_).

THE DOCTOR(_wig, spectacles, hat and cane_).

THE LITTLE PAGE(_pretty little boy in velvet, &c_.).

LITTLE MAN JACK(_big mask head, if convenient, short cloak
and club_).

PRINCESS SABRA(_pretty little girl, gorgeously dressed, a crown_).

DAME DOLLY(_a large mask head, if possible, and a very amazing
cap. Dame Dolly should bob curtseys and dance about_).

No scenery is required. The actors, as a rule, all come in together.
To "enter" means to stand forth, and "exit" that the actor retires
into the background. But the following method will be found most
effective. Let Fool enter alone, and the rest come in one by one when
the Fool begins to sing. They must march in to the music, and join the
circle with regularity. Each actor as he "brags," and gives his
challenge, does so marching up and down, his drawn sword over his
shoulder. All the characters take part in the "Mumming Round." The
next to Fair Sabra might hold up her train, and if Dame Dolly had a
Gamp umbrella to put over _her_ shoulder, it would not detract from
her comic charms. The Trumpet Calls for the four Patron Knights should
be appropriate to each. If a Trumpet is quite impossible, some one
should play a national air as each champion enters.

_Enter_ FOOL.

    FOOL. Good morrow, friends and neighbours dear,
    We are right glad to meet you here,
    Christmas comes but once a year,
    But when it comes it brings good cheer,
    And when it's gone it's no longer near.
    May luck attend the milking-pail,
    Yule logs and cakes in plenty be,
    May each blow of the thrashing-flail
    Produce good frumenty.
    And let the Wassail Cup abound,
    Whene'er the mummers' time comes round.

_Air, "Le Petit Tambour._"

    _Sings._ Now all ye jolly mummers
    Who mum in Christmas time,
    Come join with me in chorus,
    Come join with me in rhyme.

[_He has laid his bauble, over his shoulder, and it is taken by_ ST.
GEORGE, _who is followed by all the other actors, each laying his
sword over his right shoulder and his left hand on the sword-point in
front of him, and all marking time with their feet till the circle is
complete, when they march round singing the chorus over and over
again._]

    _Chorus._ And a mumming we will go, will go,
    And a mumming we will go,
    With a bright cockade in all our hats, we'll go with a gallant show.

[_Disperse, and stand aside._]

[_Enter_ FATHER CHRISTMAS.]

FATHER CHRISTMAS Here comes I, old Father Christmas;
Welcome, or welcome not,
I hope poor old Father Christmas
Will never be forgot!
My head is white, my back is bent,
My knees are weak, my strength is spent.
Eighteen hundred and eighty-three
Is a very great age for me.
And if I'd been growing all these years
What a monster I should be!
Now I have but a short time to stay,
And if you don't believe what I say--
Come in, Dame Dolly, and clear the way.

[_Enter_ DAME DOLLY.]

DAME DOLLY. Here comes I, little Dame Dolly,
Wearing smart caps in all my folly.
If any gentleman takes my whim,
I'll set my holiday cap at him.
To laugh at my cap would be very rude;
I wish you well, and I won't intrude.
Gentlemen now at the door do stand,
They will walk in with drawn swords in hand,
And if you don't believe what I say--
Let one Fool and four knights from the British Isles come in and clear
    the way!

[_Enter_ FOOL_ and four Christian knights._]

FOOL[_shaking his bells at intervals_].
Room, room, brave gallants, give us room to sport,
For to this room we wish now to resort:
Resort, and to repeat to you our merry rhyme,
For remember, good sirs, that this is Christmas time.
The time to make mince-pies doth now appear,
So we are come to act our merriment in here.
At the sounding of the trumpet, and beating of the drum,
Make room, brave gentlemen, and let our actors come.
We are the merry actors that traverse the street,
We are the merry actors that fight for our meat,
We are the merry actors that show pleasant play.
Stand forth, St. George, thou champion, and clear the way.

[_Trumpet sounds for_ ST. GEORGE.]

[ST. GEORGE _stands forth and walks up and down with sword on
shoulder._]

ST. GEORGE. I am St. George, from good Old England sprung,
My famous name throughout the world hath rung,
Many bloody deeds and wonders have I shown,
And made false tyrants tremble on their throne.
I followed a fair lady to a giant's gate,
Confined in dungeon deep to meet her fate.
Then I resolved with true knight-errantry
To burst the door, and set the captive free.
Far have I roamed, oft have I fought, and little do I rest;
All my delight is to defend the right, and succour the opprest.
And now I'll slay the Dragon bold, my wonders to begin;
A fell and fiery Dragon he, but I will clip his wing.
I'll clip his wings, he shall not fly,
I'll rid the land of him, or else I'll die.

[_Enter_ THE DRAGON, _with a sword over his shoulder._]

DRAGON. Who is it seeks the Dragon's blood,
And calls so angry and so loud?
That English dog who looks so proud--
If I could catch him in my claw--
With my long teeth and horrid jaw,
Of such I'd break up half a score,
To stay my appetite for more.
Marrow from his bones I'd squeeze,
And suck his blood up by degrees.

[ST. GEORGE _and_ THE DRAGON _fight_. THE DRAGON_ is killed_. _Exit_
DRAGON.]

ST. GEORGE. I am St. George, that worthy champion bold,
And with my sword and spear I won three crowns of gold.
I fought the fiery Dragon and brought him to the slaughter,
By which behaviour I won the favour of the King of Egypt's daughter.
Thus I have gained fair Sabra's hand, who long had won her heart.
Stand forth, Egyptian Princess, and boldly act thy part!

[_Enter_ THE PRINCESS SABRA.]

SABRA. I am the Princess Sabra, and it is my delight,
My chiefest pride, to be the bride of this gallant Christian knight.

[ST. GEORGE _kneels and kisses her hand_. FOOL _advances and holds up
his hands over them._]

FOOL. Why here's a sight will do any honest man's heart good,
To see the Dragon-slayer thus subdued!

[ST. GEORGE _rises_. _Exit_ SABRA.]

ST. GEORGE. Keep thy jests in thy pocket if thou
would'st keep thy head on thy shoulders.
I love a woman, and a woman loves me,
And when I want a fool I'll send for thee.
If there is any man but me
Who noxious beasts can tame,
Let him stand forth in this gracious company,
And boldly tell his name.

[ST. GEORGE _stands aside_. _Trumpet sounds for_ ST. PATRICK.]

[ST. PATRICK _stands forth._]

ST. PATRICK. I am St. Patrick from the bogs,
This truth I fain would learn ye,
I banished serpents, toads, and frogs,
From beautiful Hibernia.
I flourished my shillelah
And the reptiles all ran races,
And they took their way into the sea,
And they've never since shown their faces.

[_Enter_ THE PRINCE OF PARADINE.]

PRINCE. I am black Prince of Paradine, born of high renown,
Soon will I fetch thy lofty courage down.
Cry grace, thou Irish conqueror of toads and frogs,
Give me thy sword, or else I'll give thy carcase to the dogs.

ST. PATRICK. Now, Prince of Paradine, where have you been?
And what fine sights pray have you seen?
Dost think that no man of thy age
Dares such a black as thee engage?
Stand off, thou black Morocco dog, or by my sword thou'lt die,
I'll pierce thy body full of holes, and make thy buttons fly.

[_They fight._ THE PRINCE OF PARADINE _is slain._]

ST. PATRICK. Now Prince of Paradine is dead,
And all his joys entirely fled,
Take him and give him to the flies.
That he may never more come near my eyes.

[_Enter_ KING OF EGYPT.]

KING. I am the King of Egypt, as plainly doth appear;
I am come to seek my son, my only son and heir.

ST. PATRICK. He's slain! That's the worst of it.

KING. Who did him slay, who did him kill,
And on the ground his precious blood did spill?

ST. PATRICK. I did him slay, I did him kill,
And on the ground his precious blood did spill.
Please you, my liege, my honour to maintain,
As I have done, so would I do again.

KING. Cursed Christian! What is this thou hast done?
Thou hast ruined me, slaying my only son.

ST. PATRICK. He gave me the challenge. Why should I him deny?
How low he lies who held himself so high!

KING. Oh! Hector! Hector! help me with speed,
For in my life I ne'er stood more in need.

[_Enter_ HECTOR.]

KING. Stand not there, Hector, with sword in hand,
But fight and kill at my command.

HECTOR. Yes, yes, my liege, I will obey,
And by my sword I hope to win the day.
If that be he who doth stand there
That slew my master's son and heir,
Though he be sprung from royal blood
I'll make it run like ocean flood.

[_They fight._ HECTOR _is wounded._]

I am a valiant hero, and Hector is my name,
Many bloody battles have I fought, and always won the same,
But from St. Patrick I received this deadly wound.

[_Trumpet sounds for_ ST. ANDREW.]

Hark, hark, I hear the silver trumpet sound,
It summons me from off this bloody ground.
Down yonder is the way (_pointing_);
Farewell, farewell, I can no longer stay.

[_Exit_ HECTOR.]

[_Enter_ ST. ANDREW.]

KING. Is there never a doctor to be found
Can cure my son of his deep and deadly wound?

[_Enter_ DOCTOR.]

DOCTOR. Yes, yes, there is a doctor to be found
Can cure your son of his deep and deadly wound.

KING. What's your fee?

DOCTOR. Five pounds and a yule cake to thee.
I have a little bottle of Elacampane,
It goes by the name of virtue and fame,
That will make this worthy champion to rise and fight again.

[_To_ PRINCE.] Here, sir, take a little of my flip-flop,

Pour it on thy tip-top.

[_To audience, bowing._]

Ladies and Gentlemen can have my advice gratis.

[_Exeunt_ KING OF EGYPT, PRINCE OF PARADINE, _and_ DOCTOR.]

[ST. ANDREW _stands forth._]

ST. ANDREW. I am St. Andrew from the North,
Men from that part are men of worth;
To travel south we're nothing loth,
And treat you fairly, by my troth.
Here comes a man looks ready for a fray.
Come in, come in, bold soldier, and bravely clear the way.

[_Enter_ SLASHER.]

SLASHER. I am a valiant soldier, and Slasher is my name,
With sword and buckler by my side, I hope to win more fame;
And for to fight with me I see thou art not able,
So with my trusty broadsword I soon will thee disable.

ST. ANDREW. Disable, disable? It lies not in thy power,
For with a broader sword than thine I soon will thee devour.
Stand off, Slasher, let no more be said,
For if I draw my broadsword, I'm sure to break thy head.

SLASHER. How canst thou break my head?
Since my head is made of iron;
My body made of steel;
My hands and feet of knuckle-bone.
I challenge thee to feel.

[_They fight, and_ SLASHER _is wounded._]

[FOOL _advances to_ SLASHER.]

FOOL. Alas, alas, my chiefest son is slain!
What must I do to raise him up again?
Here he lies before you all,
I'll presently for a doctor call.
A doctor! A doctor! I'll go and fetch a doctor.

DOCTOR. Here am I.

FOOL. Are you the doctor?

DOCTOR. That thou may plainly see, by my art and activity.

FOOL. What's your fee to cure this poor man?

DOCTOR. Five pounds is my fee; but, Jack, as thou art a fool, I'll
    only take ten from thee.

FOOL. You'll be a clever doctor if you get any.

[_Aside._]

Well, how far have you travelled in doctorship?

DOCTOR. From the front door to the cupboard,
Cupboard to fireplace, fireplace up-stairs and into bed.

FOOL. So far, and no farther?

DOCTOR. Yes, yes, much farther.

FOOL. How far?

DOCTOR. Through England, Ireland, Scotland, Flanders, France, and Spain,
And now am returned to cure the diseases of Old England again.

FOOL. What can you cure?

DOCTOR. All complaints within and without,
From a cold in your head to a touch of the gout.
If any lady's figure is awry
I'll make her very fitting to pass by.
I'll give a coward a heart if he be willing,
Will make him stand without fear of killing.
Ribs, legs, or arms, whate'er you break, be sure
Of one or all I'll make a perfect cure.
Nay, more than this by far, I will maintain,
If you should lose your head or heart, I'll give it you again.
Then here's a doctor rare, who travels much at home,
So take my pills, I'll cure all ills, past, present, or to come.
I in my time many thousands have directed,
And likewise have as many more dissected,
And I never met a gravedigger who to me objected.
If a man gets nineteen bees in his bonnet, I'll cast
    twenty of 'em out. I've got in my pocket
    crutches for lame ducks, spectacles for blind
    bumble-bees, pack-saddles and panniers for
    grasshoppers, and many other needful things.
    Surely I can cure this poor man.
Here, Slasher, take a little out of my bottle, and let
    it run down thy throttle; and if thou beest not
    quite slain, rise, man, and fight again.

[SLASHER _rises._]

SLASHER. Oh, my back!

FOOL. What's amiss with thy back?

SLASHER. My back is wounded,
And my heart is confounded;
To be struck out of seven senses into fourscore,
The like was never seen in Old England before.

[_Trumpet sounds for_ ST. DAVID.]

Oh, hark! I hear the silver trumpet sound!
It summons me from off this bloody ground.
Down yonder is the way (_points_);
Farewell, farewell, I can no longer stay.

[_Exit_ SLASHER.]

FOOL. Yes, Slasher, thou hadst better go,
Else the next time he'll pierce thee through.

[ST. DAVID _stands forth._]

ST. DAVID. Of Taffy's Land I'm Patron Saint.
Oh yes, indeed, I'll you acquaint,
Of Ancient Britons I've a race
Dare meet a foeman face to face.
For Welshmen (hear it once again;)
Were born before all other men.
I'll fear no man in fight or freaks,
Whilst Wales produces cheese and leeks.

[_Enter_ TURKISH KNIGHT.]

TURKISH KNIGHT. Here comes I, the Turkish Knight,
Come from the Turkish land to fight.
I'll take St. David for my foe,
And make him yield before I go;
He brags to such a high degree,
He thinks there was never a Knight but he.
So draw thy sword, St. David, thou man of courage bold,
If thy Welsh blood is hot, soon will I fetch it cold.

ST. DAVID. Where is the Turk that will before me stand?
I'll cut him down with my courageous hand.

TURKISH KNIGHT. Draw out thy sword and slay,
Pull out thy purse and pay,
For satisfaction I will have, before I go away.

[_They fight_. THE TURKISH KNIGHT _is wounded, and falls on one
knee._]

Quarter! quarter! good Christian, grace of thee I crave,
Oh, pardon me this night, and I will be thy slave.

ST. DAVID. I keep no slaves, thou Turkish Knight.
So rise thee up again, and try thy might.

[_They fight again_. THE TURKISH KNIGHT _is slain._]

[_Exit_ TURKISH KNIGHT.]

[_Enter_ ST. GEORGE.]

ST. GEORGE. I am the chief of all these valiant knights,
We'll spill our heart's blood for Old England's rights.
Old England's honour we will still maintain,
We'll fight for Old England once and again.

[_Flourishes his sword above his head and then lays it over his right
shoulder._]

I challenge all my country's foes.

ST. PATRICK [_dealing with his sword in like manner,
and then taking the point of_ ST. GEORGE'S _sword
with his left hand_].

And I'll assist with mighty blows.

ST. ANDREW [_acting like the other_].

And you shall find me ready too.

ST. DAVID [_the same_].

And who but I so well as you.

FOOL [_imitates the Knights, and they close the circle
and go round_].

While we are joined in heart and hand,
A gallant and courageous band,
If e'er a foe dares look awry,
We'll one and all poke out his eye.

[_Enter_ SALADIN.]

SALADIN. Don't vaunt thus, my courageous knights,
For I, as you, have seen some sights
In Palestine, in days of yore.
'Gainst prowess strong I bravely bore
The sway, when all the world in arms
Shook Holy Land with war's alarms.
I for the crescent, you the cross,
Each mighty host oft won and lost.
I many a thousand men did slay,
And ate two hundred twice a day,
And now I come, a giant great,
Just waiting for another meat.

ST. GEORGE. Oh! Saladin! Art thou come with sword in hand,
Against St. George and Christendom so rashly to withstand?

SALADIN. Yes, yes, St. George, with thee I mean to fight,
And with one blow, I'll let thee know
I am not the Turkish Knight.

ST. GEORGE. Ah, Saladin, St. George is in this very room,
Thou'rt come this unlucky hour to seek thy fatal doom.

[_Enter_ LITTLE PAGE.]

LITTLE PAGE. Hold, hold, St. George, I pray thee stand by,
I'll conquer him, or else I'll die;
Long with that Pagan champion will I engage,
Although I am but the Little Page.

ST. GEORGE. Fight on, my little page, and conquer!
  And don't thee be perplext,
For if thou discourage in the field,
  Fight him will I next.

[_They fight._ THE LITTLE PAGE _falls._]

SALADIN. Though but a little man, they were great words he said.

ST. GEORGE. Ah! cruel monster. What havoc hast thou made?
See where the lovely stripling all on the floor is laid.
A doctor! A doctor! Ten pounds for a doctor!

[DAME DOLLY _dances forward, bobbing as before._]

DAME DOLLY. Here comes I, little Dame Dorothy,
Flap front, and good-morrow to ye;
My head is big, my body is small,
I'm the prettiest little jade of you all.
Call not the Doctor for to make him worse,
But give the boy into my hand to nurse.

[_To_ LITTLE PAGE.] Rise up, my pretty page, and come with me,
And by kindness and kitchen physic, I'll cure thee without fee.

[PAGE _rises. Exeunt_ PAGE _and_ DAME DOLLY.]

[ST. GEORGE _and_ SALADIN _fight_. Saladin _is slain._]

[_Enter_ FATHER CHRISTMAS.]

ST. GEORGE. Carry away the dead, Father.

FATHER CHRISTMAS. Let's see whether he's dead or no, first, Georgy.
Yes; I think he's dead enough, Georgy.

ST. GEORGE. Carry him away then, Father.

FATHER CHRISTMAS [_vainly tries to move the_ GIANT'S _body_].

Thou killed him; thou carry him away.

ST. GEORGE. If you can't carry him, call for help.

FATHER CHRISTMAS [_to audience_].
Three or four of you great logger-headed fellows,
Come and carry him away.

[DOCTOR _and_ FOOL _raise the_ GIANT _by his arms. Exit_ GIANT.]

[_Enter_ LITTLE MAN JACK.]

LITTLE MAN JACK. Here comes I, Little Man Jack,
The Master of Giants;
If I could but conquer thee, St. George,
I'd bid the world defiance.

ST. GEORGE. And if thou beest Little Man Jack, the Master of all Giants,
I'll take thee up on my back, and carry thee without violence.

[_Lifts him over his shoulder._]

FOOL. Now brave St. George, he rules the roast;
Britons triumphant be the toast;
Let cheerful song and dance abound,
Whene'er the Mummers' time comes round.

[_All sing._]

Rule, Britannia; Britannia rules the waves,
Britons never, never, never will be slaves.

GRAND SWORD DANCE.

Cut 1 and cross.

Cut 2 and cross partner (which is R. and L.).

Same back again.

The two Knights at opposite corners R. H. Cut 1 and cross, and Cut 2
with opposite Knights.

Same back (which is Ladies' Chain).

Four sword-points up in the centre.

All go round--all Cut 6--and come to bridle-arm protect, and round to
places.

Repeat the first figure.

[_All go round, and then out, singing._]

[Illustration: Musical Score]

_Allegro_,

And a mumming we will go, will go, and a mumming we will go, With a

bright cock-ade  in  all our hats, We'll go with a  gal-lant show.

[_Exeunt omnes._]

GOD SAVE THE QUEEN.




HINTS FOR PRIVATE THEATRICALS.




HINTS FOR PRIVATE THEATRICALS.--I.

IN A LETTER FROM BURNT CORK TO ROUGE POT.


MY DEAR ROUGE POT,--You say that you all want to have "theatricals"
these holidays, and beg me to give you some useful rules and hints to
study before the Christmas Play comes out in the December Number of
_Aunt Judy_.

I will do my best. But--to begin with--_do_ you "all" want them? At
least, do you all want them enough to keep in the same mind for ten
days or a fortnight, to take a good deal of trouble, whether it is
pleasant or not, and to give up some time and some of your own way, in
order that the theatricals may be successful?

If you say Yes, we will proceed at once to the first--and perhaps the
most important--point, on which you will have to display two of an
actor's greatest virtues--self-denial and good temper:--

THE STAGE-MANAGER.

If your numbers are limited, you may have to choose the one who knows
most about theatricals, and he or she may have to act a leading part
as well. But by rights _the stage-manager ought not to act_;
especially as in juvenile theatricals he will probably be prompter,
property-man, and scene-shifter into the bargain.

If your "company" consists of very young performers, an elder sister
is probably the best stage-manager you could have. But _when once your
stage-manager is chosen, all the actors must make up their minds to
obey him implicitly_. They must take the parts he gives them, and
about any point in dispute the stage-manager's decision must be final.
It is quite likely that now and then he may be wrong. The leading
gentleman may be more in the right, the leading lady may have another
plan quite as good, or better; but as there would be "no end to it" if
everybody's ideas had to be listened to and discussed, it is
absolutely necessary that there should be one head, and one plan
loyally supported by the rest.

Truism as it is, my dear Rouge Pot, I am bound to beg you never to
forget that _everybody can't have everything_ in this world, and that
_everybody can't be everything_ on the stage. What you (and I, and
every other actor!) would really like, would be to choose the play, to
act the best part, to wear the nicest dress, to pick the people you
want to act with, to have the rehearsal on those days, and that part
of the day, when you do not happen to want to go out, or do something
else, to have the power of making all the others do as you tell them,
without the bother of hearing any grumbles, and to be well clapped and
complimented at the conclusion of the performance. But as this very
leading part could only be played by one person at the expense of all
the rest, private theatricals--like so many other affairs of this
life--must for everybody concerned be a compromise of pains and
pleasures, of making strict rules and large allowances, of giving and
taking, bearing and forbearing, learning to find one's own happiness
in seeing other people happy, aiming at perfection with all one's
might, and making the best of imperfection in the end.

At this point, I foresee that you will very naturally exclaim that you
asked me for stage-directions, and that I am sending you a sermon. I
am very sorry; but the truth really is, that as the best of plays and
the cleverest of actors will not ensure success, if the actors quarrel
about the parts, and are unwilling to suppress themselves for the
common good, one is obliged to set out with a good stock of philosophy
as well as of "properties."

Now, in case it should strike you as "unfair" that any one of your
party should have so much of his own way as I have given to the
stage-manager, you must let me say that no one has more need of
philosophy than that all-powerful person.

_The stage-manager will have his own way, but he will have nothing
else._

He will certainly have "no peace" from the first cry of "Let us have
some private theatricals" till the day when the performance ceases to
be discussed. If there are ten actors, it is quite possible that ten
different plays will be warmly recommended to him, and that, whichever
he selects, he will choose it against the gloomy forebodings of nine
members of his company. Nine actors will feel a natural disappointment
at not having the best part, and as it is obviously impossible to fix
rehearsals so as to be equally convenient for everybody, the
stage-manager, whose duty it is to fix them, will be very fortunate if
he suits the convenience of the majority. You will easily believe that
it is his painful duty to insist upon regular attendance, and even to
enforce it by fines or by expulsion from the part, if such stringent
laws have been agreed to by the company beforehand. But at the end he
will have to bear in mind that private theatricals are an amusement,
not a business; that it is said to be a pity to "make a toil of a
pleasure"; that "boys will be boys"; that "Christmas comes but once a
year," and holidays not much oftener--and in a general way to console
himself for the absence of defaulters, with the proverbial philosophy
of everyday life, and the more reliable panacea of resolute good
temper.

He must (without a thought of self) do his best to give the right
parts to the right people, and he must try to combine a proper "cast"
with pleasing everybody--so far as that impossible task is possible!

He must not only be ready to meet his own difficulties with each
separate actor, but he must be prepared to be confidant, if not
umpire, in all the squabbles which the actors and actresses may have
among themselves.

If the performance is a great success, the actors will have the credit
of it, and will probably be receiving compliments amongst the audience
whilst the stage-manager is blowing out the guttering footlights, or
showing the youngest performer how to get the paint off his cheeks,
without taking the skin off into the bargain. And if the performance
is a failure, nine of the performers will have nine separate sets of
proofs that it was due to the stage-manager's unfortunate selection of
the piece, or mistaken judgment as to the characters.

He will, however, have the satisfaction (and when one has a head to
plan and a heart in one's work, it _is_ a satisfaction) of carrying
through the thing in his own way, and sooner or later, and here and
there, he will find some people who know the difficulties of his
position, and will give him ample credit and _kudos_ if he keeps his
company in good humour, and carries out his plans without a breakdown.

By this time, my dear Rouge Pot, you will see that the stage-manager,
like all rulers, pays dearly for his power; but it is to be hoped that
the difficulties inseparable from his office will not be wilfully
increased by


THE ACTORS.

They are a touchy race at any time. Amateur actors are said to
have--one and all--a belief that each and every one can play any part
of any kind. Shakespeare found that some of them thought they could
play _every_ part also! But besides this general error, each actor has
his own peculiarities, which the stage-manager ought to acquaint
himself with as soon as possible.

It is a painful fact that there are some people who "come forward"
readily, do not seem at all nervous, are willing to play anything, and
are either well provided with anecdotes of previous successes, or
quite amazingly ready for leading parts, though they "never tried
acting," and are only "quite sure they shall like it"--but who, when
the time comes, fail completely. I fear that there is absolutely
nothing to be done with such actors, but to avoid them for the
future. On the other hand, there are many people who are nervous and
awkward at first, and even more or less so through every rehearsal,
but who _do not fail at the pinch_. Once fairly in their clothes, and
pledged to their parts, they forget themselves in the sense of what
they have undertaken, and their courage is stimulated by the crisis.
Their knees may shake, but their minds see no alternative but to do
their best, and the best, with characters of this conscientious type,
is seldom bad.

It is quite true, also, that some actors are never at their best till
they are dressed, and that some others can put off learning their
parts till the last moment, and then "study" them at a push, and
acquit themselves creditably in the play. _But these peculiarities are
no excuse for neglecting rehearsals, or for not learning parts, or for
rehearsing in a slovenly manner._

_Actors should never forget that rehearsals are not only for the
benefit of each actor individually, but also of all the characters of
the piece as a whole._

A. and B. may be able to learn their parts in a day, and to act fairly
under the inspiration of the moment, but if they neglect rehearsals on
this account, they deal very selfishly by C. and D., who have not the
same facility, and who rehearse at great disadvantage if the other
parts are not properly represented too.

And now a word or two to the actors of the small parts. It _is_ a
disappointment to find yourself "cast" for a footman, with no more to
do than to announce and usher in the principal personages of the
piece, when you feel a strong (and perhaps well-grounded) conviction
that you would have "made a hit" as the Prince in blank verse and blue
velvet. Well! one must fall back on one's principles. Be loyal to the
stage-manager. Help the piece through, whether it is or is not a
pleasure and a triumph for you yourself. Set an example of willingness
and good-humour. If to these first principles you add the amiable
quality of finding pleasure in the happiness of others, you will be
partly consoled for not playing the Prince yourself by sympathizing
with Jack's unfeigned pride in his part and his finery, and if Jack
has a heart under his velvet doublet, he will not forget your
generosity. It may also be laid down as an axiom that _a good actor
will take a pride in making the most of a small part_. There are many
plays in which small parts have been raised to the rank of principal
ones by the spirit put into them by a good actor, who "made" his part
instead of grumbling at it. And the credit gained by a triumph of this
kind is very often even beyond the actor's deserts. _From those who
play the principal parts much is expected, and it is difficult to
satisfy ones audience, but if any secondary character is made pathetic
or amusing, the audience (having expected nothing) are willing to
believe that if the actor can surprise them with a small part, he
would take the house by storm with a big one._

I will conclude my letter with a few general rules for young actors.

_Say nothing whatever on the stage but your part._ This is a rule for
rehearsals, and if it could be attended to, every rehearsal would have
more than double its usual effect. People chatter from nervousness,
explain or apologize for their mistakes, and waste quite three-fourths
of the time in words which are not in the piece.

_Speak very slowly and very clearly._ All young actors speak too fast,
and do not allow the audience time to digest each sentence. _Speak
louder than usual, but clearness of enunciation is even more
important. Do not be slovenly with the muscles of the lips, or talk
from behind shut teeth._

_Keep your face to the audience as a rule._

If two people talking together have to cross each other so as to
change their places on the stage, _the one who has just spoken should
cross before the one who is going to speak_.

_Learn to stand still._

As a rule, _do not speak when you are crossing the stage_, but cross
first and then speak.

_Let the last speaker get his sentence well out before you begin
yours._

If you are a comic actor, _don't run away with the piece by over-doing
your fun. Never spoil another actor's points by trying to make the
audience laugh whilst he is speaking._ It is inexcusably bad
stage-manners.

If the audience applauds, _wait till the noise of the clapping is over
to finish your speech_.

_Rehearse without your book in the last rehearsals_, so as to get into
the way of hearing the prompter, and catching the word from him when
your memory fails you.

_Practise your part before a looking-glass, and say it out aloud._ A
part may be pat in your head, and very stiff on your tongue.

The Green-room is generally a scene of great confusion in private
theatricals. Besides getting everything belonging to your dress
together _yourself_ and in _good time_, I advise you to have _a little
hand-basket_, such as you may have used at the seaside or in the
garden, and into this to put _pins_, _hair-pins_, _a burnt cork_,
_needles and thread_, _a pair of scissors_, _a pencil_, _your part_,
_and any small things you may require_. It is easy to drop them into
the basket again. Small things get mislaid under bigger ones when one
is dressing in a hurry; and a hero who is flustered by his moustache
having fallen under the washstand well out of sight is apt to forget
his part when he has found the moustache.

Remember that _Right and Left in stage directions mean the right and
left hand of the actor as he faces the audience_.

I will not burden you with any further advice for yourself, and I will
reserve a few hints as to rough and ready scenery, properties, &c.,
for another letter.

Meanwhile--whatever else you omit--get your parts well by rote; and if
you cannot find or spare a stage-manager, you must find good-humour
and common agreement in proportion; prompt by turns, and each look
strictly after his own "properties."

Yours, &c.,

BURNT CORK.


HINTS FOR PRIVATE THEATRICALS.--II.

MY DEAR ROUGE POT,--I promised to say a few words about _rough and
ready properties_.

The most indispensable of all is _the curtain_, which can be made (at
small expense) to roll up and come down in orthodox fashion. Even
better are two curtains, with the rings and strings so arranged that
the curtains can be pulled apart or together by some one in the wings.
Any upholsterer will do this. A double drawing-room with folding doors
is of course "made for theatricals." The difficulty of having only one
exit from the stage--the door of the room--may be met by having a
screen on the other side. But then _the actors who go out behind the
screen, must be those who will not have to come in again till the
curtain has been drawn_.

If, however, the room, or part of a room, devoted to the stage is
large enough for an amateur proscenium, with "wings" at the sides, and
space behind the "scenes" to conceal the actors, and enable them to
go round, of course there can be as many exits as are needed.

A proscenium is quite a possibility. _The framework in which the
curtain falls need not be an expensive or complicated concern._ Two
wooden uprights, firmly fastened to the floor by bolt and socket, each
upright being four or five feet from the wall on either side; a
cross-bar resting on the top, but the whole width of the room, to
which (if it draws up) the curtain is to be nailed; a curtain, with a
wooden pole in the hem at the bottom to steady it (like a
window-blind); long, narrow, fixed curtains to fall from the cross-bar
at each end where it projects beyond the uprights, so as to fill the
space between each upright and the wall of the room, and hide the
wings; some bright wall-paper border to fasten on to the uprights and
cross-bar, as decoration;--these are not expensive matters, and the
little carpentry needed could be done in a very short time by a
village carpenter.

And here, my dear Rouge Pot, I feel inclined to say a word to "Parents
and Guardians." _I wish that a small annual outlay on little pleasures
were oftener reckoned among legitimate expenses in middle-class
British families._ But little pleasures and alms are apt to be left
till they are asked for, and then grudged. Though, if the annual
expenses under these two heads were summed up at the end of the year,
we should perhaps be more inclined to blush than to bewail our
extravagances. As to little pleasures, I am not speaking of toys and
books and presents, of which children have commonly six times as many
now-a-days as they can learn to love; nor do I mean such pleasures as
the month at the seaside, which I should be sorry to describe as a
light matter for papa's purse. But I mean little pleasures of the
children's own devising, for which some trifling help from the elders
will make all the difference between failure and success. In short, my
dear Rouge Pot, at the present moment I mean the children's
theatricals; and papa himself will confess that, whereas two or three
pounds, "up or down," in the seaside move, would hardly be considered,
and fifteen shillings "more or less" in the price of a new dining-room
fender would upset nobody's nerves in the household--if "the children"
asked for a day's work of the village carpenter, and seven and
sixpence worth of wood, to carry out a project of their own, it would
be considered a great waste of money. However, it is only fair to add
that the young people themselves will do wisely to establish a
"theatrical fund" box, which will not open, and to put in a fixed
percentage of everybody's pocket-money to accumulate for some genuine
properties when the theatrical season begins.

The question of _scenery_ of course must depend on the resources of
the company. But _acting may be very successful without any at all_.
It must never be forgotten that _those who look and listen can also
imagine_, and unless tolerably good scenes can be had, it is almost
better to content oneself with what served in the days of
Shakespeare--a written placard of what the scene is supposed to be.
_Shakespeare scenery_, as we may call it, will amuse people of itself,
and a good piece and good actors will not suffer from its use. Thus,
if _The Barmecide_ is being played, Alnaschan and Ina will be
"discovered" standing in an empty room, at the back of which a placard
will bear this inscription in large letters--A STREET IN BAGDAD.

It is possible, however, that your company may include some
water-colour artist, who will try his or her hand at scene-painting in
the barn. Well: he will want canvas or unbleached calico, which must
be covered completely with a "first wash" of whitening and size, mixed
to a freely working consistency, and laid on with a white-wash brush.
When dry, he must outline his scene on this in charcoal. The painting
is then to be done in distemper--all the effects are put in by the
first wash; lights and shadows in their full tone, &c. He will use
powder paints, mix them with size (which must be kept warm on a fire),
and add white for body-colour when he wants to lay one colour over
another. I will add four hints. _For a small stage avoid scenes with
extreme perspective. Keep the general colouring rather sober, so as to
harmonize with the actors' dresses. Only broad effects will show. Keep
stepping back to judge your work from a distance._ In a wood, for
instance, the distance may be largely blue and grey, and the
foreground trees a good deal in warm browns and dull olive. _Paint by
candle-light when convenient._

_All the lights in your theatre must be protected by glasses. The
footlights should have reflectors behind them_, or a board about
eighteen inches high with block-tin nailed on it. Failing this, a
plain polished fender, in which candles or lamps can be placed, will
serve. _There must also be sidelights_, or the footlights will cast
shadows. _Long strips of coloured glass, in frames, can lie flat in
front of the stage when not in use, and be raised up when wanted,
between the footlights and the stage--blue for moonlight, yellow for
sunshine, rose-colour for sunset scenes and fairy effects._ A shade
may be quickly thrown up between the footlights and the stage, _on the
same principle, if darkness is required. For thunder, shake a thin
sheet of iron behind the scenes. Powdered resin or lycopodium thrown
on to the flame of a candle from a quill_ is said to be effective as
_lightning_. But any tricks with naked lights, in the confusion of
private theatricals, are objectionable, and should never be used
except by some grown-up person not among the actors. _For rain, shake
parched peas in a box with irregular partitions. For a full moon, cut
a round hole in your scene, cover it with some translucent material,
and hold a lamp behind it_; the blue-glass shade must be up before the
footlights. A similar hole, or, if low on the horizon, a
half-moon-shaped one, with a crimson transparency, will do for a
setting sun--then the rose-coloured glass will be required before the
footlights.

I have no further space just now, my dear Rouge Pot; but you may
expect another letter from me on Scenery Screens, Properties and
Costumes.

Yours, &c.,

BURNT CORK.


HINTS FOR PRIVATE THEATRICALS.--III.

MY DEAR ROUGE POT,--I promised to say something about _scenery
screens_.

If the house happens to boast a modern pseudo-Japanese screen of a
large size (say six feet high), it will make a very pretty background
for a drawing-room scene, and admit of entrances as I suggested. But
_screens with light grounds are also very valuable as reflectors_,
carrying the light into the back of the stage. There is generally a
want of light on the amateur stage, and all means to remedy this
defect and brighten up matters are worth considering.

_Folding screens_ may be covered on both sides _with strips of lining
wall-paper of delicate tints, pinned on with drawing-pins_. The paper
can be left plain, or it may serve as the background on which to affix
"Shakespeare Scenery." Or again, your amateur painter will find an
easier and more effective reward for such labour as he will not
grudge to bestow in the holidays, if, instead of attempting the
ambitious task of scene-painting on canvas, he adorns these scenery
screens with Japanese designs in water-colours. Bold and not too
crowded combinations of butterflies and flamingoes, tortoises,
dragons, water-reeds, flowers and ferns. He need not hesitate to
employ Bessemer's gold and silver paints, with discretion, and the two
sides of the screen can be done in different ways. The Japanesque side
would make a good drawing-room background, and some other scene (such
as a wood) might be indicated on the other with a nearer approach to
real scene-painting. _These screens light up beautifully, and are well
adapted for drawing-room theatricals._

In the common event of your requiring a bit of a cottage with a
practicable door to be visible, it will be seen that two folds of a
screen, painted with bricks and windows, may be made to do duty in no
ill fashion as the two sides of a house, and with a movable porch (a
valuable stage property) the entrance can be contrived just out of
sight. _The stage will be brightened up by laying down a "crumb
cloth," or covering it with holland._ A drawing-room scene is made
very pretty _by hanging up pairs of the summer white muslin curtains,
looped with gay ribbons, as if there were windows in the sides of the
stage_.

If a fireplace is wanted and will do at the side, a mantelpiece is
easily represented, and a banner screen will help to conceal the
absence of a grate. A showy specimen of that dreadful thing, a paper
grate-ornament, flowing well down into the fender, may sometimes hide
deficiencies. The appearance of _hot coals in a practicable grate_ is
given by _irregularly-shaped pieces of red glass, through which light
is thrown from a candle behind_.

A very important part of your preparations will be _the dresses_.

Now of dresses it may be said--as we have said of scenery--that if the
actors are clever, very slight (if suggestive) accessories in the way
of costume will suffice. At the same time, whilst the scenery can
never be good enough in amateur theatricals to cover deficiencies in
the performance, good costumes may be a most material help to the
success of a piece. Very little wit is demanded from the young
gentleman who plays the part of a monkey, if his felt coat is well
made, and his monkey-mask comical, and if he has acquired some
dexterity in the management of his tail.

I think, my dear Rouge Pot, that you were taken to see that splendid
exhibition of stage properties, _Babil and Bijou_? Do you remember the
delightful effect of the tribe of oysters? The little boys who played
the oysters had nothing to do but to hop and run, and keep their
shells nicely in front of them, and yet how we laughed at them! Now,
in a large family, such parts as these afford an opportunity for
allowing "the little ones" to "act," and so to become accustomed to
the stage, before they can be trusted to learn written parts. Nor are
_comical costumes_ beyond the powers of home manufacturers.

You know those men--sandwich-men as they are often called!--who go
about the London streets with one board in front and one behind. These
boards are of simple shape and only reach from the shoulder, to a
little below the knee; they are only wanted to paste advertisements
on. But if you think about it, you will see that to have the boards
high enough to hide the head, and low enough to hide the legs, rounded
at the top like a scallop shell, with the ribs of the shell nicely
painted, eyeholes to peep through, and the hinge of the shell arranged
to conceal the feet, would be no very great effort of skill. _Sandwich
costumes for the little ones_ might be of many effective shapes. Thick
paste-board would probably be strong enough for very little people,
and in many cases a covered framework would be better still, and if
you have a kite-maker in your troupe, you had better commit these
costumes to his skill and ingenuity. A very simple device would be
that of flower-pots painted red. They need come no higher than the
chin, if a good thick bush is firmly held by the little hands behind,
so as to conceal the face. But no doubt, my dear Rouge Pot, you will
say, "if we have no plays with such characters in, we cannot have
them, however desirable it may be to bring in the little ones." But I
think you will find some of the elders ingenious enough to "tack them
on" to your pieces if required, especially to those founded on fairy
tales.

_Glazed calico_ is the amateur costume-maker's best friend. It is
cheap, it is shiny, and it can be had in all the most effective
colours. I have never seen a very good green; but the turquoise blue,
the pink, and the yellow, are of those pretty Dresden china shades
which Mr. Marcus Ward and other Christmas-card makers use to such good
purpose against gold backgrounds. Many of these Christmas cards, by
the bye, with children dressed in ancient costumes painted by good
artists, will give you and your sisters help in a tasteful combination
of colours; and besides the gold and silver powder paints, which
answer admirably, gold and silver paper can be had to cut stars and
trimmings of various sorts from, to stitch or gum on to fairies'
dresses, &c.

Tarlatan can now be had in hues that almost rival the colours of
flowers, but I fear that only the white can be had "fire-proof."
Gauze wings, flowing hair, and tarlatan skirts, combined with the
"flurry" of the performances, the confined space behind the scenes,
and lights everywhere, form a dangerous combination which it makes one
shudder to think of. The truth is, my dear Rouge Pot, it cannot be too
often or too emphatically repeated that _naked lights on the stage or
behind the scenes in amateur theatricals are as wrong as in a
coal-mine_. Glass shades for the bedroom candles--with which
boy-brothers, seeing imperfectly through masks, will rush past little
sisters whose newly-crimped hair and tarlatan skirts are sticking out,
they can't feel how far behind them--cost a few shillings, _and the
mental effort of resolving to have and use them_. Depend upon it,
Rouge Pot, the latter is the greater difficulty! And yet our petty
economies in matters which affect our health, our daily comfort, or
our lives, are wonderful, when the dangers or discomforts we have to
avert may, _by chance_, be averted by good luck at no cost at all. So
perhaps the few shillings have something to do with it. I hope they
will always be expended on safety glasses for all lights in use on or
about your stage.

Well, glazed calico and tarlatan are very effective, and so is cotton
velvet or velveteen; but in every family there will probably be found
a few articles of finery originally made of expensive materials, but
which are now yielded to the juvenile property-box, and from
experience I can assure you that these are valuable treasures. I have
a tender remembrance of a few which were our _pièces de résistance_
when we "dressed up" either for charades or one of Miss Corner's
plays--"in my young days." A black satin dress--ancient, but of such
lustre and softness as satins are not made now; a real camel's-hair
burnous, dyed crimson; a green satin driving cloak, lined with
fur--these things did not crush and tumble during their long periods
of repose in the property-box, as tarlatan skirts and calico doublets
were apt to do. Most valuable of all, a grey wig, worn right side
foremost by our elderly gentlemen, and wrong side foremost (so as to
bring the pig-tail curls over the forehead) by our elderly ladies. Fur
gloves, which, with a black rabbit-skin mask over her rosy cheeks,
gave ferocity in the part of "the Beast" to our jolliest little
actress. A pair of claret-coloured stockings, silk throughout, and a
pair of yellow leather slippers, embroidered with gold, doubtless
bought long years back in some Eastern bazaar, &c., &c. There came a
date in our theatrical history when only one pair of feet could get
right into these much-desired shoes, heels and all; and as the
individual who owned them was also supposed to display the
claret-coloured stockings to the best advantage, both these important
properties, with the part of Prince to which our custom assigned
them, fell to an actor who could lay no other claim to pre-eminence.

Surely your home will provide one or two of these "stand-bys" of the
green-room, and you will not fail to value them, I assure you. I hope
you will not fight for them!

_Wigs are very important. Unbleached calico is a very fair imitation
of the skin of one's head._ A skull-cap made of it will do for a bald
pate, or, with a black pig-tail and judicious face-painting, will turn
any smooth-faced actor into a very passable Chinaman. Flowing locks of
tow, stitched on round the lower part, will convert it into a
patriarchal wig. _Nigger wigs are made of curly black horsehair
fastened on to a black skull-cap._ Moustaches and whiskers can be
bought at small expense, but if well painted the effect is nearly as
good.

As to _face-painting_. Rouge is indispensable, but care must be taken
not to overdo it. The eyebrows must be darkened with sepia or Indian
ink, and a camel's-hair brush--especially for fair people. With the
same materials you must deepen all the lines of the face, if you want
to make a young person look like an old one. The cheek lines on each
side of the nose, furrows across the forehead, and crow's-foot marks
by the eyes, are required for an old face; but if the audience are to
be very close to the stage, you must be careful not to overdo your
painting. Violet powder is the simplest and least irritating white for
the skin. Rouge should be laid on with a hare's foot. If your "old
man" is wearing a bald wig, be careful to colour his forehead to match
as well as possible with his bald pate. All these applications are
more or less irritating to one's skin. It is said to be a mistake to
_wash_ them off. Cold cream should be rubbed over the face, and then
wiped off with a soft towel.

As a parting hint, my dear Rouge Pot, when you have passed the stage
of child-plays in rhyme--but do not be in a _hurry_ to discard such
universal favourites as _Dick Whittington_, _Beauty and the Beast_,
and _Cinderella_--don't be too ambitious in your selection from
"grown-up" plays. As a matter of experience, when _we_ got beyond Miss
Corner we took to farces, and found them very successful. There are
many which play well in young hands, and only require the omission of
a few coarse expressions, which, being intended to raise a laugh among
"roughs" in the gallery of a public theatre, need hardly be hurled at
the ears of one's private friends.

I am bound to say that competent critics have told me that farces were
about the most difficult things we could have attempted. I can only
say that we found them answer. Partly, perhaps, because it requires a
less high skill to raise a laugh than to move by passion or pathos.
Partly, too, because farces are short, and amateurs can make no
greater mistake than to weary their audience.

If you prefer "dress pieces" and dramas to farces or burlesque, let
some competent person curtail the one you choose to a suitable length.

The manager of juvenile theatricals should never forget the wisdom
embodied in Sam Weller's definition of the art of letter-writing, that
the writer should stop short at such a point as that the reader should
"wish there wos more of it."

Yours, &c.,

BURNT CORK.




SNAP-DRAGONS.




SNAP-DRAGONS.

A TALE OF CHRISTMAS EVE.

MR. AND MRS. SKRATDJ.


Once upon a time there lived a certain family of the name of Skratdj.
(It has a Russian or Polish look, and yet they most certainly lived in
England.) They were remarkable for the following peculiarity. They
seldom seriously quarrelled, but they never agreed about anything. It
is hard to say whether it were more painful for their friends to hear
them constantly contradicting each other, or gratifying to discover
that it "meant nothing," and was "only their way."

It began with the father and mother. They were a worthy couple, and
really attached to each other. But they had a habit of contradicting
each other's statements, and opposing each other's opinions, which,
though mutually understood and allowed for in private, was most trying
to the bystanders in public. If one related an anecdote, the other
would break in with half-a-dozen corrections of trivial details of no
interest or importance to any one, the speakers included. For
instance: Suppose the two dining in a strange house, and Mrs. Skratdj
seated by the host, and contributing to the small-talk of the
dinner-table. Thus:--

"Oh yes. Very changeable weather indeed. It looked quite promising
yesterday morning in the town, but it began to rain at noon."

"A quarter-past eleven, my dear," Mr. Skratdj's voice would be heard
to say from several chairs down, in the corrective tones of a husband
and a father; "and really, my dear, so far from being a promising
morning, I must say it looked about as threatening as it well could.
Your memory is not always accurate in small matters, my love."

But Mrs. Skratdj had not been a wife and a mother for fifteen years,
to be snuffed out at one snap of the marital snuffers. As Mr. Skratdj
leaned forward in his chair, she leaned forward in hers, and defended
herself across the intervening couples.

"Why, my dear Mr. Skratdj, you said yourself the weather had not been
so promising for a week."

"What I said, my dear, pardon me, was that the barometer was higher
than it had been for a week. But, as you might have observed if these
details were in your line, my love, which they are not, the rise was
extraordinarily rapid, and there is no surer sign of unsettled
weather.--But Mrs. Skratdj is apt to forget these unimportant
trifles," he added, with a comprehensive smile round the dinner-table;
"her thoughts are very properly absorbed by the more important
domestic questions of the nursery."

"Now I think that's rather unfair on Mr. Skratdj's part," Mrs. Skratdj
would chirp, with a smile quite as affable and as general as her
husband's. "I'm sure he's _quite_ as forgetful and inaccurate as _I_
am. And I don't think _my_ memory is at _all_ a bad one."

"You forgot the dinner hour when we were going out to dine last week,
nevertheless," said Mr. Skratdj.

"And you couldn't help me when I asked you," was the sprightly retort.
"And I'm sure it's not like you to forget anything about _dinner_, my
dear."

"The letter was addressed to you," said Mr. Skratdj.

"I sent it to you by Jemima," said Mrs. Skratdj.

"I didn't read it," said Mr. Skratdj.

"Well, you burnt it," said Mrs. Skratdj; "and, as I always say,
there's nothing more foolish than burning a letter of invitation
before the day, for one is certain to forget."

"I've no doubt you always do say it," Mr. Skratdj remarked, with a
smile, "but I certainly never remember to have heard the observation
from your lips, my love."

"Whose memory's in fault there?" asked Mrs. Skratdj triumphantly; and
as at this point the ladies rose, Mrs. Skratdj had the last word.

Indeed, as may be gathered from this conversation, Mrs. Skratdj was
quite able to defend herself. When she was yet a bride, and young and
timid, she used to collapse when Mr. Skratdj contradicted her
statements and set her stories straight in public. Then she hardly
ever opened her lips without disappearing under the domestic
extinguisher. But in the course of fifteen years she had learned that
Mr. Skratdj's bark was a great deal worse than his bite. (If, indeed,
he had a bite at all.) Thus snubs that made other people's ears
tingle, had no effect whatever on the lady to whom they were
addressed, for she knew exactly what they were worth, and had by this
time become fairly adept at snapping in return. In the days when she
succumbed she was occasionally unhappy, but now she and her husband
understood each other, and having agreed to differ, they unfortunately
agreed also to differ in public.

Indeed, it was the bystanders who had the worst of it on these
occasions. To the worthy couple themselves the habit had become second
nature, and in no way affected the friendly tenour of their domestic
relations. They would interfere with each other's conversation,
contradicting assertions, and disputing conclusions for a whole
evening; and then, when all the world and his wife thought that these
ceaseless sparks of bickering must blaze up into a flaming quarrel as
soon as they were alone, they would bowl amicably home in a cab,
criticizing the friends who were commenting upon them, and as little
agreed about the events of the evening as about the details of any
other events whatever.

Yes, the bystanders certainly had the worst of it. Those who were near
wished themselves anywhere else, especially when appealed to. Those
who were at a distance did not mind so much. A domestic squabble at a
certain distance is interesting, like an engagement viewed from a
point beyond the range of guns. In such a position one may some day be
placed oneself! Moreover, it gives a touch of excitement to a dull
evening to be able to say _sotto voce_ to one's neighbour, "Do listen!
The Skratdjs are at it again!" Their unmarried friends thought a
terrible abyss of tyranny and aggravation must lie beneath it all, and
blessed their stars that they were still single, and able to tell a
tale their own way. The married ones had more idea of how it really
was, and wished in the name of common sense and good taste that
Skratdj and his wife would not make fools of themselves.

So it went on, however; and so, I suppose, it goes on still, for not
many bad habits are cured in middle age.

On certain questions of comparative speaking their views were never
identical. Such as the temperature being hot or cold, things being
light or dark, the apple-tarts being sweet or sour. So one day Mr.
Skratdj came into the room, rubbing his hands, and planting himself at
the fire with "Bitterly cold it is to-day, to be sure."

"Why, my dear William," said Mrs. Skratdj, "I'm sure you must have got
a cold; I feel a fire quite oppressive myself."

"You were wishing you'd a seal-skin jacket yesterday, when it wasn't
half as cold as it is to-day," said Mr. Skratdj.

"My dear William! Why, the children were shivering the whole day, and
the wind was in the north."

"Due east, Mrs. Skratdj."

"I know by the smoke," said Mrs. Skratdj, softly but decidedly.

"I fancy I can tell an east wind when I feel it," said Mr. Skratdj,
jocosely, to the company.

"I told Jemima to look at the weathercock," murmured Mrs. Skratdj.

"I don't care a fig for Jemima," said her husband.

On another occasion Mrs. Skratdj and a lady friend were conversing.

... "We met him at the Smiths'--a gentleman-like agreeable man, about
forty," said Mrs. Skratdj, in reference to some matter interesting to
both ladies.

"Not a day over thirty-five," said Mr. Skratdj, from behind his
newspaper.

"Why, my dear William, his hair's grey," said Mrs. Skratdj.

"Plenty of men are grey at thirty," said Mr. Skratdj. "I knew a man
who was grey at twenty-five."

"Well, forty or thirty-five, it doesn't much matter," said Mrs.
Skratdj, about to resume her narration.

"Five years matter a good deal to most people at thirty-five," said
Mr. Skratdj, as he walked towards the door. "They would make a
remarkable difference to me, I know;" and with a jocular air Mr.
Skratdj departed, and Mrs. Skratdj had the rest of the anecdote her
own way.


THE LITTLE SKRATDJS.

The Spirit of Contradiction finds a place in most nurseries, though to
a varying degree in different ones. Children snap and snarl by nature,
like young puppies; and most of us can remember taking part in some
such spirited dialogues as the following:--

{"I will."         {"You daren't."
{"You can't."      {"I dare."

{"You shall."      {"I'll tell Mamma."
{"I won't."        {"I don't care if you do."

It is the part of wise parents to repress these squibs and crackers of
juvenile contention, and to enforce that slowly-learned lesson, that
in this world one must often "pass over" and "put up with" things in
other people, being oneself by no means perfect. Also that it is a
kindness, and almost a duty, to let people think and say and do things
in their own way occasionally.

But even if Mr. and Mrs. Skratdj had ever thought of teaching all this
to their children, it must be confessed that the lesson would not have
come with a good grace from either of them, since they snapped and
snarled between themselves as much or more than their children in the
nursery.

The two eldest were the leaders in the nursery squabbles. Between
these, a boy and a girl, a ceaseless war of words was waged from
morning to night. And as neither of them lacked ready wit, and both
were in constant practice, the art of snapping was cultivated by them
to the highest pitch.

It began at breakfast, if not sooner.

"You've taken my chair."

"It's not your chair."

"You know it's the one I like, and it was in my place."

"How do you know it was in your place?"

"Never mind. I do know."

"No, you don't."

"Yes, I do."

"Suppose I say it was in my place."

"You can't, for it wasn't."

"I can, if I like."

"Well, was it?"

"I sha'n't tell you."

"Ah! that shows it wasn't."

"No, it doesn't."

"Yes, it does."

Etc., etc., etc.

The direction of their daily walks was a fruitful subject of
difference of opinion.

"Let's go on the Common to-day, Nurse."

"Oh, don't let's go there; we're always going on the Common."

"I'm sure we're not. We've not been there for ever so long."

"Oh, what a story! We were there on Wednesday. Let's go down Gipsey
Lane. We never go down Gipsey Lane."

"Why, we're always going down Gipsey Lane. And there's nothing to see
there."

"I don't care, I won't go on the Common, and I shall go and get Papa
to say we're to go down Gipsey Lane. I can run faster than you."

"That's very sneaking; but I don't care."

"Papa! Papa! Polly's called me a sneak."

"No, I didn't, Papa."

"You did."

"No, I didn't. I only said it was sneaking of you to say you'd run
faster than me, and get Papa to say we were to go down Gipsey Lane."

"Then you did call him sneaking," said Mr. Skratdj. "And you're a very
naughty ill-mannered little girl. You're getting very troublesome,
Polly, and I shall have to send you to school, where you'll be kept in
order. Go where your brother wishes at once."

For Polly and her brother had reached an age when it was convenient,
if possible, to throw the blame of all nursery differences on Polly.
In families where domestic discipline is rather fractious than firm,
there comes a stage when the girls almost invariably go to the wall,
because they will stand snubbing, and the boys will not. Domestic
authority, like some other powers, is apt to be magnified on the
weaker class.

But Mr. Skratdj would not always listen even to Harry.

"If you don't give it me back directly, I'll tell about your eating
the two magnum-bonums in the kitchen garden on Sunday," said Master
Harry on one occasion.

    "Tell-tale tit!
    Your tongue shall be slit,
    And every dog in the town shall have a little bit,"

quoted his sister.

"Ah! You've called me a tell-tale. Now I'll go and tell Papa. You got
into a fine scrape for calling me names the other day."

"Go, then! I don't care."

"You wouldn't like me to go, I know."

"You daren't. That's what it is."

"I dare."

"Then why don't you?"

"Oh, I am going; but you'll see what will be the end of it."

Polly, however, had her own reasons for remaining stolid, and Harry
started. But when he reached the landing he paused. Mr. Skratdj had
especially announced that morning that he did not wish to be
disturbed, and though he was a favourite, Harry had no desire to
invade the dining-room at this crisis. So he returned to the nursery,
and said with a magnanimous air, "I don't want to get you into a
scrape, Polly. If you'll beg my pardon I won't go."

"I'm sure I sha'n't," said Polly, who was equally well informed as to
the position of affairs at head-quarters. "Go, if you dare."

"I won't if you want me not," said Harry, discreetly waiving the
question of apologies.

"But I'd rather you went," said the obdurate Polly. "You're always
telling tales. Go and tell now, if you're not afraid."

So Harry went. But at the bottom of the stairs he lingered again, and
was meditating how to return with most credit to his dignity, when
Polly's face appeared through the banisters, and Polly's sharp tongue
goaded him on.

"Ah! I see you. You're stopping. You daren't go."

"I dare," said Harry; and at last he went.

As he turned the handle of the door, Mr. Skratdj turned round.

"Please, Papa--" Harry began.

"Get away with you!" cried Mr. Skratdj, "Didn't I tell you I was not
to be disturbed this morning? What an extraor----"

But Harry had shut the door, and withdrawn precipitately.

Once outside, he returned to the nursery with dignified steps, and an
air of apparent satisfaction, saying,

"You're to give me the bricks, please."

"Who says so?"

"Why, who should say so? Where have I been, pray?"

"I don't know, and I don't care."

"I've been to Papa. There!"

"Did he say I was to give up the bricks?"

"I've told you."

"No, you've not."

"I sha'n't tell you any more."

"Then I'll go to Papa and ask."

"Go by all means."

"I won't if you'll tell me truly."

"I sha'n't tell you anything. Go and ask, if you dare," said Harry,
only too glad to have the tables turned.

Polly's expedition met with the same fate, and she attempted to cover
her retreat in a similar manner.

"Ah! you didn't tell."

"I don't believe you asked Papa."

"Don't you? Very well!"

"Well, did you?"

"Never mind."

Etc., etc., etc.

Meanwhile Mr. Skratdj scolded Mrs. Skratdj for not keeping the
children in better order. And Mrs. Skratdj said it was quite
impossible to do so, when Mr. Skratdj spoilt Harry as he did, and
weakened her (Mrs. Skratdj's) authority by constant interference.

Difference of sex gave point to many of these nursery squabbles, as it
so often does to domestic broils.

"Boys never will do what they're asked," Polly would complain.

"Girls ask such unrea