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Title: Our Deportment
       Or the Manners, Conduct and Dress of the Most Refined Society


Author: John H. Young



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Language: English

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OUR DEPORTMENT

Or the Manners, Conduct and Dress of the Most Refined Society;
INCLUDING
Forms for Letters, Invitations, Etc., Etc. Also, Valuable
Suggestions on Home Culture and Training.

Compiled from the Latest Reliable Authorities,

by

JOHN H. YOUNG, A.M.

Revised and Illustrated.







[Illustration]




F. B. Dickerson & Co.,
Detroit, Mich.   St. Louis, Mo.
Pennsylvania Publishing Co.,
Harrisburgh, Pa.
Union Publishing House,
Chicago, Ill.
1881.




[Illustration]

To go through this life with good manners possessed,
Is to be kind unto all, rich, poor and oppressed,
For kindness and mercy are balms that will heal
The sorrows, the pains, and the woes that we feel.

[Illustration]

Copyrighted
by
Freeman B. Dickerson,
1879 and 1881.


[Illustration]




Preface.


No one subject is of more importance to people generally than a
knowledge of the rules, usages and ceremonies of good society, which are
commonly expressed by the word "Etiquette." Its necessity is felt
wherever men and women associate together, whether in the city, village,
or country town, at home or abroad. To acquire a thorough knowledge of
these matters, and to put that knowledge into practice with perfect ease
and self-complacency, is what people call good breeding. To display an
ignorance of them, is to subject the offender to the opprobrium of being
ill-bred.

In the compilation of this work, the object has been to present the
usages and rules which govern the most refined American society, and to
impart that information which will enable any one, in whatever
circumstances of life to acquire the perfect ease of a gentleman, or
the gentle manners and graceful deportment of a well-bred lady, whose
presence will be sought for, and who, by their graceful deportment will
learn the art of being at home in any good society.

The work is so arranged, that every subject is conveniently classified
and subdivided; it is thus an easy matter to refer at once to any given
subject. It has been the aim of the compiler to give minutely all points
that are properly embraced in a work on etiquette, even upon matters of
seemingly trivial importance. Upon some hitherto disputed points, those
rules are given, which are sustained by the best authorities and
endorsed by good sense.

As the work is not the authorship of any one individual, and as no
individual, whatever may be his acquirements, could have the presumption
to dictate rules for the conduct of society in general, it is therefore
only claimed that it is a careful compilation from all the best and
latest authorities upon the subject of etiquette and kindred matters,
while such additional material has been embraced within its pages, as,
it is hoped, will be found of benefit and interest to every American
household.

                                                               J.H.Y.


 [Illustration]




Contents.


 CHAPTER I.
                                                                   PAGE.
 INTRODUCTORY                                                        13


 CHAPTER II.

 MANNERS.

 Good manners as an element of worldly success--Manner an index of
 character--The true gentleman--The true lady--Importance of
 trifles--Value of pleasing manners--Personal appearance enhanced and
 fortunes made by pleasing manners--Politeness the outgrowth of good
 manners                                                             20


 CHAPTER III.

 INTRODUCTIONS.

 Acquaintances thus formed--Promiscuous, informal and casual
 introductions--Introduction of a gentleman to a lady and a lady to a
 gentleman--Introduction at a ball--The manner of introduction--Introducing
 relatives--Obligatory introductions--Salutations after
 introduction--Introducing one's self--Letters of introduction--How they
 are to be delivered--Duty of a person to whom a letter of introduction is
 addressed--Letters of introduction for business purposes              31


 CHAPTER IV.

 SALUTATIONS.

 The salutation originally an act of worship--Its form in different
 nations--The bow, its proper mode--Words of salutation--Manner of
 bowing--Duties of the young to older people--How to avoid
 recognition--Etiquette of handshaking--Kissing as a mode of
 salutation--The kiss of friendship--The kiss of respect              42


 CHAPTER V.

 ETIQUETTE ON CALLS.

 Morning calls--Evening calls--Rules for formal calls--Calls at Summer
 resorts--Reception days--Calls made by cards--Returning the first
 call--Calls after a betrothal takes place--Forming new acquaintance by
 calls--The first call, by whom to be made--Calls of
 Congratulation--Visits of condolence--Keeping an account of
 calls--Evening visits--"Engaged" or "not at home" to callers--General
 rules relative to calls--New Year's calls                            52


 CHAPTER VI.

 ETIQUETTE ON VISITING.

 General invitations not to be accepted--The limit of a prolonged
 visit--Duties of a visitor--Duties of the host or hostess--True
 hospitality--Leave-taking--Invitations to guests--Forbearance with
 children--Guests making presents--Treatment of a host's friends      69


 CHAPTER VII.

 ETIQUETTE OF CARDS.

 Visiting and calling cards--Their size and style--Wedding cards--Leaving
 cards in calling--Cards for mother and daughter--Cards not to be sent in
 envelopes to return formal calls--Glazed cards not in fashion--P.P.C.
 cards--Cards of congratulation--When sent--Leave cards in making first
 calls of the season and after invitations--Mourning cards--Christmas and
 Easter cards--Cards of condolence--Bridegroom's card.                 75


 CHAPTER VIII.

 CONVERSATION.

 Character revealed by conversation--Importance of conversing
 well--Children should be trained to talk well--Cultivation of the
 memory--Importance of remembering names--How Henry Clay acquired this
 habit--Listening--Writing down one's thoughts--Requisites for a good
 talker--Vulgarisms--Flippancy--Sympathizing with another--Bestowing
 compliments--Slang--Flattery--Scandal and gossip--Satire and
 ridicule--Religion and politics to be avoided--Bestowing of
 titles--Interrupting another while talking--Adaptability in
 conversation--Correct use of words--Speaking one's mind--Profanity
 --Display of knowledge--Double entendres--Impertinent questions
 --Things to be avoided in conversation--Hobbies--Fault-finding
 --Disputes                                                            84


 CHAPTER IX.

 DINNER PARTIES.

 Dinners are entertainments for married people--Whom to invite--Forms of
 invitations--Punctuality required--The success of a dinner party--Table
 appointments--Proper size of a dinner party--Arrangement of guests at
 table--Serving dinner a la Russe--Duties of servants--Serving the
 dishes--General rules regarding dinner--Waiting on others--Monopolizing
 conversation--Duties of hostess and host--Retiring from the table--Calls
 required after a dinner party--Returning hospitalities--Expensive
 dinners not the most enjoyable--Wines at dinners                     106


 CHAPTER X.

 TABLE ETIQUETTE.

 Importance of acquiring good habits at the table--Table appointments for
 breakfast, luncheon and dinner--Use of the knife and fork--Of the
 napkin--Avoid fast eating and all appearance of greediness--General
 rules on the subject                                                 123


 CHAPTER XI.

 RECEPTIONS, PARTIES AND BALLS.

 Morning receptions--The dress and refreshments for
 them--Invitations--Musical matinees--Parties in the country--Five
 o'clock teas and kettle-drums--Requisites for a successful
 ball--Introductions at a ball--Receiving guests--The number to
 invite--Duties of the guests--General rules to be observed at
 balls--Some suggestions for gentlemen--Duties of an escort--Preparations
 for a ball--The supper--An after-call required                       129


 CHAPTER XII.

 STREET ETIQUETTE.

 The street manners of a lady--Forming street acquaintances--Recognizing
 friends in the street--Saluting a lady--Passing through a crowd--The
 first to bow--Do not lack politeness--How a lady and gentleman should
 walk together--When to offer the lady the arm--Going up and down
 stairs--Smoking in the streets--Carrying packages--Meeting a lady
 acquaintance--Corner loafers--Shouting in the street--Shopping
 etiquette--For public conveyances--Cutting acquaintances--General
 suggestions                                                          145


 CHAPTER XIII.

 ETIQUETTE OF PUBLIC PLACES.

 Conduct in church--Invitations to opera, theatres and concerts--Conduct
 in public assemblages--Remain until the performance closes--Conduct in
 picture galleries--Behavior at charity fairs--Conduct at an artist's
 studio                                                                157


 CHAPTER XIV.

 TRAVELING ETIQUETTE.

 Courtesies shown to ladies traveling alone--Duties of an escort--Duties
 of a lady to her escort--Ladies should assist other ladies traveling
 alone--The seats to be occupied in a railway car--Discretion to be used
 in forming acquaintances in traveling                                167


 CHAPTER XV.

 RIDING AND DRIVING.

 Learning to ride on horseback--The gentleman's duty as an escort in
 riding--How to assist a lady to mount--Riding with ladies--Assisting a
 lady to alight from a horse--Driving--The seat of honor in a
 carriage--Trusting the driver                                        174


 CHAPTER XVI.

 COURTSHIP.

 Proper conduct of gentlemen and ladies toward each other--Premature
 declaration of love--Love at first sight--Proper manner of
 courtship--Parents should exercise authority over daughters--An
 acceptable suitor--Requirements for a happy marriage--Proposals of
 marriage--A gentleman should not press an unwelcome suit--A lady's
 refusal--A doubtful answer--Unladylike conduct toward a suitor--The
 rejected suitor--Asking consent of parents--Presents after
 engagement--Conduct and relations of the engaged couple--Lovers'
 quarrels--Breaking an engagement                                     179


 CHAPTER XVII.

 WEDDING ETIQUETTE.

 Choice of bridemaids and groomsmen or ushers--The bridal costume
 Costumes of bridegroom and ushers--Presents of the bride and
 bridegroom--Ceremonials at church when there are no bridemaids or
 ushers--Invitations to the ceremony alone--The latest
 ceremonials--Weddings at home--The evening wedding--"At home"
 receptions--Calls--The wedding ring--Marriage ceremonials of a
 widow--Form of invitations to a reception--Duties of invited guests--Of
 bridemaids and ushers--Bridal presents--Master of ceremonies--Wedding
 fees--Congratulations--The bridal tour                               194


 CHAPTER XVIII.

 HOME LIFE AND ETIQUETTE.

 Home the woman's kingdom--Home companionship--Conduct of husband and
 wife--Duties of the wife to her husband--The wife a helpmate--The
 husband's duties                                                     208


 CHAPTER XIX.

 HOME TRAINING.

 First lessons learned at home--Parents should set good examples to their
 children--Courtesies in the home circle--Early moral training of
 children--The formation of their habits--Politeness at home--Train
 children for some occupation--Bad temper--Selfishness--Home maxims   216


 CHAPTER XX.

 HOME CULTURE.

 Cultivate moral courage--The pernicious influence of
 indolence--Self-respect--Result of good breeding at home--Fault-finding
 and grumbling--Family jars not to be made public--Conflicting
 interests--Religious education--Obedience--Influence of example--The
 influence of books                                                   225


 CHAPTER XXI.

 WOMAN'S HIGHER EDUCATION.

 Its importance--Train young women to some occupation--Education of girls
 too superficial--An education appropriate to each sex--Knowledge of the
 laws of health needed by women--Idleness the source of all misery--A
 spirit of independence--Health and life dependent upon a higher
 culture--Cultivation of the moral sense                              233

 CHAPTER XXII.

 THE LETTER WRITER.

 Letter writing is an indication of good breeding--Requirements for
 correct writing--Anonymous letters--Note paper to be used--Forms of
 letters and notes--Forms of addressing notes and letters--Forms of
 signature--Letters of introduction--When to be given--Notes of
 invitation and replies thereto--Acceptances and regrets--Formal
 invitations must be answered--Letters of friendship--Love
 letters--Business letters and correspondence--Form of letter requesting
 employment--Regarding the character of a servant--Forms for notes,
 drafts, bills and receipts                                           242


 CHAPTER XXIII.

 GENERAL RULES TO GOVERN CONDUCT.

 Attention to the young in society--Gracefulness of carriage--Attitude,
 coughing, sneezing, etc.--Anecdotes, puns, etc.--A sweet and pure
 breath--Smoking--A good listener--Give precedence to others--Be moderate
 in speaking--Singing and playing in society--Receiving and making
 presents--Governing our moods--A lady driving with a gentleman--An
 invitation cannot be recalled--Avoid talking of personalities--Shun gossip
 and tale bearing--Removing the hat--Intruding on privacy--Politeness
 --Adapting yourself to others--Contradicting--A woman's good name
 --Expressing unfavorable opinions--Vulgarities--Miscellaneous rules
 governing conduct--Washington's maxims                               266


 CHAPTER XXIV.

 ANNIVERSARY WEDDINGS.

 How and when they are celebrated--The paper, cotton and leather
 weddings--The wooden wedding--The tin wedding--The crystal wedding--The
 silver wedding--The golden wedding--The diamond wedding--Presents at
 anniversary weddings--Forms of invitations, etc.                     285


 CHAPTER XXV.

 BIRTHS AND CHRISTENINGS.

 Naming the child--The christening--Godparents or sponsors--Presents from
 godparents--The ceremony--The breakfast--Christening gifts--The hero of
 the day--Fees                                                        291


 CHAPTER XXVI

 FUNERALS.

 Death notices and funeral invitations--Arrangement for the funeral--The
 house of mourning--Conducting the funeral services--The pall-bearers
 --Order of the procession--Floral and other decorations--Calls upon the
 bereaved family--Seclusion of the family                             296


 CHAPTER XXVII.

 ETIQUETTE AT WASHINGTON.

 Social duties required of the President and his family--Receptions at
 the White House--Order of official rank--Duties required of members of
 the cabinet and their families--How to address officials--The first to
 visit                                                                303


 CHAPTER XXVIII.

 ETIQUETTE OF FOREIGN COURTS.

 Foreign titles--Royalty--The nobility--The gentry--Esquires--Imperial
 rank--European titles--Presentation at the court of St. James--Those
 eligible and ineligible for presentation--Preliminaries--Presentation
 costumes                                                             308


 CHAPTER XXIX.

 BUSINESS.

 The example of a merchant prince--Keep your temper--Honesty the best
 policy--Form good habits--Breaking an appointment--Prompt payment of
 bills, notes and drafts--General suggestions                         315


 CHAPTER XXX.

 DRESS.

 Requirements for dressing well--Perils of the love of dress to weak
 minds--Consistency in dress--Extravagance--Indifference to
 dress--Appropriate dress--The wearing of gloves--Evening or full dress
 for gentlemen--Morning dress for gentlemen--Evening or full dress for
 ladies--Ball dresses--The full dinner dress--For receiving and making
 morning calls--Morning dress for street--Carriage dress--Promenade dress
 and walking suit--Opera dress--The riding dress--For women of
 business--Ordinary evening dress--For a social party--Dress for the
 theater, lecture and concert--Archery, croquet and skating
 costumes--Bathing dress--For traveling--The bridal costume--Dress of
 bridemaids--At wedding receptions--Mourning dress--How long mourning
 should be worn                                                      320


 CHAPTER XXXI.

 COLORS AND THEIR HARMONY IN DRESS.

 The proper arrangement of colors--The colors adapted to different
 persons--Material for dress--Size in relation to color and dress--A list
 of colors that harmonize                                             341


 CHAPTER XXXII.

 THE TOILET.

 Importance of neatness and cleanliness--Perfumes--The bath--The teeth
 and their care--The skin--The eyes, eyelashes and brows--The hair and
 beard--The hands and feet                                            351


 CHAPTER XXXIII.

 TOILET RECIPES.

 To remove freckles, pimples and sunburn--To beautify the complexion--To
 prevent the hair falling out--Pomades and hair oils--Sea foam or dry
 shampoo--To prevent the hair turning gray--To soften the skin--To
 cleanse the teeth--Remedy for chapped hands--For corns and chilblains,
 etc.                                                                 372


 CHAPTER XXXIV.

 SPORTS, GAMES AND AMUSEMENTS.

 Archery and its practice--Lawn Tennis--Boating--Picnics--Private
 Theatricals--Card playing                                            398


 CHAPTER XXXV.

 LANGUAGE OF FLOWERS,                                                 410


 CHAPTER XXXVI.

 PRECIOUS STONES,                                                     423




CHAPTER I.

Introductory.

          "Ingenious Art with her expressive face,
           Steps forth to fashion and refine the race."--COWPER.


A knowledge of etiquette has been defined to be a knowledge of the rules
of society at its best. These rules have been the outgrowth of centuries
of civilization, had their foundation in friendship and love of man for
his fellow man--the vital principles of Christianity--and are most
powerful agents for promoting peace, harmony and good will among all
people who are enjoying the blessings of more advanced civilized
government. In all civilized countries the influence of the best society
is of great importance to the welfare and prosperity of the nation, but
in no country is the good influence of the most refined society more
powerfully felt than in our own, "the land of the future, where mankind
may plant, essay, and resolve all social problems." These rules make
social intercourse more agreeable, and facilitate hospitalities, when
all members of society hold them as binding rules and faithfully regard
their observance. They are to society what our laws are to the people as
a political body, and to disregard them will give rise to constant
misunderstandings, engender ill-will, and beget bad morals and bad
manners.

Says an eminent English writer: "On manners, refinement, rules of good
breeding, and even the forms of etiquette, we are forever talking,
judging our neighbors severely by the breach of traditionary and
unwritten laws, and choosing our society and even our friends by the
touchstone of courtesy." The Marchioness de Lambert expressed opinions
which will be endorsed by the best bred people everywhere when she wrote
to her son: "Nothing is more shameful than a voluntary rudeness. Men
have found it necessary as well as agreeable to unite for the common
good; they have made laws to restrain the wicked; they have agreed among
themselves as to the duties of society, and have annexed an honorable
character to the practice of those duties. He is the honest man who
observes them with the most exactness, and the instances of them
multiply in proportion to the degree of nicety of a person's honor."

Originally a gentleman was defined to be one who, without any title of
nobility, wore a coat of arms. And the descendants of many of the early
colonists preserve with much pride and care the old armorial bearings
which their ancestors brought with them from their homes in the mother
country. Although despising titles and ignoring the rights of kings,
they still clung to the "grand old name of gentleman." But race is no
longer the only requisite for a gentleman, nor will race united with
learning and wealth make a man a gentleman, unless there are present the
kind and gentle qualities of the heart, which find expression in the
principles of the Golden Rule. Nor will race, education and wealth
combined make a woman a true lady if she shows a want of refinement and
consideration of the feelings of others.

Good manners are only acquired by education and observation, followed up
by habitual practice at home and in society, and good manners reveal to
us the lady and the gentleman. He who does not possess them, though he
bear the highest title of nobility, cannot expect to be called a
gentleman; nor can a woman, without good manners, aspire to be
considered a lady by ladies. Manners and morals are indissolubly allied,
and no society can be good where they are bad. It is the duty of
American women to exercise their influence to form so high a standard of
morals and manners that the tendency of society will be continually
upwards, seeking to make it the best society of any nation.

As culture is the first requirement of good society, so self-improvement
should be the aim of each and all of its members. Manners will improve
with the cultivation of the mind, until the pleasure and harmony of
social intercourse are no longer marred by the introduction of
discordant elements, and they only will be excluded from the best
society whose lack of education and whose rude manners will totally
unfit them for its enjoyments and appreciation. Good manners are even
more essential to harmony in society than a good education, and may be
considered as valuable an acquisition as knowledge in any form.

The principles of the Golden Rule, "whatsoever ye would that men should
do to you, do ye even so to them," is the basis of all true
politeness--principles which teach us to forget ourselves, to be kind to
our neighbors, and to be civil even to our enemies. The appearance of so
being and doing is what society demands as good manners, and the man or
woman trained to this mode of life is regarded as well-bred. The people,
thus trained, are easy to get along with, for they are as quick to make
an apology when they have been at fault, as they are to accept one when
it is made. "The noble-hearted only understand the noble-hearted."

In a society where the majority are rude from the thoughtfulness of
ignorance, or remiss from the insolence of bad breeding, the iron rule,
"Do unto others, as they do unto you," is more often put into practice
than the golden one. The savages know nothing of the virtues of
forgiveness, and regard those who are not revengeful as wanting in
spirit; so the ill-bred do not understand undeserved civilities extended
to promote the general interests of society, and to carry out the
injunction of the Scriptures to strive after the things that make for
peace.

Society is divided into sets, according to their breeding. One set may
be said to have no breeding at all, another to have a little, another
more, and another enough; and between the first and last of these, there
are more shades than in the rainbow. Good manners are the same in
essence everywhere--at courts, in fashionable society, in literary
circles, in domestic life--they never change, but social observances,
customs and points of etiquette, vary with the age and with the people.

A French writer has said: "To be truly polite, it is necessary to be, at
the same time, good, just, and generous. True politeness is the outward
visible sign of those inward spiritual graces called modesty,
unselfishness and generosity. The manners of a gentleman are the index
of his soul. His speech is innocent, because his life is pure; his
thoughts are right, because his actions are upright; his bearing is
gentle, because his feelings, his impulses, and his training are gentle
also. A gentleman is entirely free from every kind of pretence. He
avoids homage, instead of exacting it. Mere ceremonies have no
attraction for him. He seeks not to say any civil things, but to do
them. His hospitality, though hearty and sincere, will be strictly
regulated by his means. His friends will be chosen for their good
qualities and good manners; his servants for their truthfulness and
honesty; his occupations for their usefulness, their gracefulness or
their elevating tendencies, whether moral, mental or political."

In the same general tone does Ruskin describe a gentleman, when he says:
"A gentleman's first characteristic is that fineness of structure in
the body which renders it capable of the most delicate sensation, and of
that structure in the mind which renders it capable of the most delicate
sympathies--one may say, simply, 'fineness of nature.' This is, of
course, compatible with the heroic bodily strength and mental firmness;
in fact, heroic strength is not conceivable without such delicacy.
Elephantine strength may drive its way through a forest and feel no
touch of the boughs, but the white skin of Homer's Atrides would have
felt a bent rose-leaf, yet subdue its feelings in the glow of battle and
behave itself like iron. I do not mean to call an elephant a vulgar
animal; but if you think about him carefully, you will find that his
non-vulgarity consists in such gentleness as is possible to elephantine
nature--not in his insensitive hide nor in his clumsy foot, but in the
way he will lift his foot if a child lies in his way, and in his
sensitive trunk and still more sensitive mind and capability of pique on
points of honor. Hence it will follow that one of the probable signs of
high breeding in men generally, will be their kindness and mercifulness,
these always indicating more or less firmness of make in the mind."

Can any one fancy what our society might be, if all its members were
perfect gentlemen and true ladies, if all the inhabitants of the earth
were kind-hearted; if, instead of contending with the faults of our
fellows we were each to wage war against our own faults? Every one needs
to guard constantly against the evil from within as well as from
without, for as has been truly said, "a man's greatest foe dwells in his
own heart."

A recent English writer says: "Etiquette may be defined as the minor
morality of life. No observances, however minute, that tend to spare the
feelings of others, can be classed under the head of trivialities; and
politeness, which is but another name for general amiability, will oil
the creaking wheels of life more effectually than any of those unguents
supplied by mere wealth and station." While the social observances,
customs and rules which have grown up are numerous, and some perhaps
considered trivial, they are all grounded upon principles of kindness to
one another, and spring from the impulses of a good heart and from
friendly feelings. The truly polite man acts from the highest and
noblest ideas of what is right.

Lord Chesterfield declared good breeding to be "the result of much good
sense, some good nature and a little self-denial for the sake of others,
and with a view to obtain the same indulgence from them." Again he says:
"Good sense and good nature suggest civility in general, but in good
breeding there are a thousand little delicacies which are established
only by custom."

 [Illustration]




CHAPTER II.

Our Manners.


No one quality of the mind and heart is more important as an element
conducive to worldly success than civility--that feeling of kindness and
love for our fellow-beings which is expressed in pleasing manners. Yet
how many of our young men, with an affected contempt for the forms and
conventionalities of life, assume to despise those delicate attentions,
that exquisite tenderness of thought and manner, that mark the true
gentleman.


MANNERS AS AN ELEMENT OF SUCCESS.

History repeats, over and over again, examples showing that it is the
bearing of a man toward his fellow-men which, more than any other one
quality of his nature, promotes or retards his advancement in life. The
success or failure of one's plans have often turned upon the address and
manner of the man. Though there are a few people who can look beyond the
rough husk or shell of a fellow-being to the finer qualities hidden
within, yet the vast majority, not so keen-visaged nor tolerant, judge a
person by his appearance and demeanor, more than by his substantial
character. Experience of every day life teaches us, if we would but
learn, that civility is not only one of the essentials of high success,
but that it is almost a fortune of itself, and that he who has this
quality in perfection, though a blockhead, is almost sure to succeed
where, without it, even men of good ability fail.

A good manner is the best letter of recommendation among strangers.
Civility, refinement and gentleness are passports to hearts and homes,
while awkwardness, coarseness and gruffness are met with locked doors
and closed hearts. Emerson says: "Give a boy address and
accomplishments, and you give him the mastery of palaces and fortunes
wherever he goes; he has not the trouble of earning or owning them; they
solicit him to enter and possess."

In every class of life, in all professions and occupations, good manners
are necessary to success. The business man has no stock-in-trade that
pays him better than a good address. If the retail dealer wears his hat
on his head in the presence of ladies who come to buy of him, if he does
not see that the heavy door of his shop is opened and closed for them,
if he seats himself in their presence, if he smokes a pipe or cigar, or
has a chew of tobacco in his mouth, while talking with them, or is
guilty of any of the small incivilities of life, they will not be apt to
make his shop a rendezvous, no matter how attractive the goods he
displays.

A telling preacher in his opening remarks gains the good will of his
hearers, and makes them feel both that he has something to say, and that
he can say it, by his manner. The successful medical man inspires in his
patients belief in his sympathy, and confidence in his skill, by his
manner. The lawyer, in pleading a case before a jury, and remembering
that the passions and prejudices of the jurymen govern them to as great
an extent as pure reason, must not be forgetful of his manner, if he
would bring them to his own way of thinking. And how often does the
motto, "Manners make the man," govern both parties in matters of
courtship, the lady giving preference to him whose manners indicate a
true nobility of the soul, and the gentleman preferring her who displays
in her manner a gentleness of spirit.


MANNER AN INDEX OF CHARACTER.

A rude person, though well meaning, is avoided by all. Manners, in fact,
are minor morals; and a rude person is often assumed to be a bad person.
The manner in which a person says or does a thing, furnishes a better
index of his character than what he does or says, for it is by the
incidental expression given to his thoughts and feelings, by his looks,
tones and gestures, rather than by his words and deeds, that we prefer
to judge him, for the reason that the former are involuntary. The manner
in which a favor is granted or a kindness done, often affects us more
than the deed itself. The deed may have been prompted by vanity, pride,
or some selfish motive or interest; the warmth or coldness with which
the person who has done it speaks to you, or grasps your hand, is less
likely to deceive. The manner of doing any thing, it has been truly
said, is that which stamps its life and character on any action. A favor
may be performed so grudgingly as to prevent any feeling of obligation,
or it may be refused so courteously as to awaken more kindly feelings
than if it had been ungraciously granted.


THE TRUE GENTLEMAN.

Politeness is benevolence in small things. A true gentleman must regard
the rights and feelings of others, even in matters the most trivial. He
respects the individuality of others, just as he wishes others to
respect his own. In society he is quiet, easy, unobtrusive, putting on
no airs, nor hinting by word or manner that he deems himself better, or
wiser, or richer than any one about him. He never boasts of his
achievements, or fishes for compliments by affecting to underrate what
he has done. He is distinguished, above all things, by his deep insight
and sympathy, his quick perception of, and prompt attention to, those
small and apparently insignificant things that may cause pleasure or
pain to others. In giving his opinions he does not dogmatize; he listens
patiently and respectfully to other men, and, if compelled to dissent
from their opinions, acknowledges his fallibility and asserts his own
views in such a manner as to command the respect of all who hear him.
Frankness and cordiality mark all his intercourse with his fellows,
and, however high his station, the humblest man feels instantly at ease
in his presence.


THE TRUE LADY.

Calvert says: "Ladyhood is an emanation from the heart subtilized by
culture;" giving as two requisites for the highest breeding, transmitted
qualities and the culture of good training. He continues: "Of the higher
type of ladyhood may always be said what Steele said of Lady Elizabeth
Hastings, 'that unaffected freedom and conscious innocence gave her the
attendance of the graces in all her actions.' At its highest, ladyhood
implies a spirituality made manifest in poetic grace. From the lady
there exhales a subtle magnetism. Unconsciously she encircles herself
with an atmosphere of unruffled strength, which, to those who come into
it, gives confidence and repose. Within her influence the diffident grow
self-possessed, the impudent are checked, the inconsiderate are
admonished; even the rude are constrained to be mannerly, and the
refined are perfected; all spelled, unawares, by the flexible dignity,
the commanding gentleness, the thorough womanliness of her look, speech
and demeanor. A sway is this, purely spiritual. Every sway, every
legitimate, every enduring sway is spiritual; a regnancy of light over
obscurity, of right over brutality. The only real gains ever made are
spiritual gains--a further subjection of the gross to the incorporeal,
of body to soul, of the animal to the human. The finest and most
characteristic acts of a lady involve a spiritual ascension, a growing
out of herself. In her being and bearing, patience, generosity,
benignity are the graces that give shape to the virtues of
truthfulness."

Here is the test of true ladyhood. Whenever the young find themselves in
the company of those who do not make them feel at ease, they should know
that they are not in the society of true ladies and true gentlemen, but
of pretenders; that well-bred men and women can only feel at home in the
society of the well-bred.


THE IMPORTANCE OF TRIFLES.

Some people are wont to depreciate these kind and tender qualities as
trifles; but trifles, it must be remembered, make up the aggregate of
human life. The petty incivilities, slight rudenesses and neglects of
which men are guilty, without thought, or from lack of foresight or
sympathy, are often remembered, while the great acts performed by the
same persons are often forgotten. There is no society where smiles,
pleasant looks and animal spirits are not welcomed and deemed of more
importance than sallies of wit, or refinements of understanding. The
little civilities, which form the small change of life may appear
separately of little moment, but, like the spare pennies which amount to
such large fortunes in a lifetime, they owe their importance to
repetition and accumulation.


VALUE OF PLEASING MANNERS.

The man who succeeds in any calling in life is almost invariably he who
has shown a willingness to please and to be pleased, who has responded
heartily to the advances of others, through nature and habit, while his
rival has sniffed and frowned and snubbed away every helping hand. "The
charming manners of the Duke of Marlborough," it is said, "often changed
an enemy to a friend, and to be denied a favor by him was more pleasing
than to receive one from another. It was these personal graces that made
him both rich and great. His address was so exquisitely fascinating as
to dissolve fierce jealousies and animosities, lull suspicion and
beguile the subtlest diplomacy of its arts. His fascinating smile and
winning tongue, equally with his sharp sword, swayed the destinies of
empires." The gracious manners of Charles James Fox preserved him from
personal dislike, even when he had gambled away his last shilling, and
politically, was the most unpopular man in England.


MANNERS AND PERSONAL APPEARANCE.

A charming manner not only enhances personal beauty, but even hides
ugliness and makes plainness agreeable. An ill-favored countenance is
not necessarily a stumbling-block, at the outset, to its owner, which
cannot be surmounted, for who does not know how much a happy manner
often does to neutralize the ill effects of forbidding looks? The
fascination of the demagogue Wilkes's manner triumphed over both
physical and moral deformity, rendering even his ugliness agreeable; and
he boasted to Lord Townsend, one of the handsomest men in Great Britain,
that "with half an hour's start he would get ahead of his lordship in
the affections of any woman in the kingdom." The ugliest Frenchman,
perhaps, that ever lived was Mirabeau; yet such was the witchery of his
manner, that the belt of no gay Lothario was hung with a greater number
of bleeding female hearts than this "thunderer of the tribune," whose
looks were so hideous that he was compared to a tiger pitted with the
small-pox.


FORTUNES MADE BY PLEASING MANNERS.

Pleasing manners have made the fortunes of men in all professions and in
every walk of life--of lawyers, doctors, clergymen, merchants, clerks
and mechanics--and instances of this are so numerous that they may be
recalled by almost any person. The politician who has the advantage of a
courteous, graceful and pleasing manner finds himself an easy winner in
the race with rival candidates, for every voter with whom he speaks
becomes instantly his friend. Civility is to a man what beauty is to a
woman. It creates an instantaneous impression in his behalf, while
gruffness or coarseness excites as quick a prejudice against him. It is
an ornament, worth more as a means of winning favor than the finest
clothes and jewels ever worn. Lord Chesterfield said the art of pleasing
is, in truth, the art of rising, of distinguishing one's self, of making
a figure and a fortune in the world. Some years ago a drygoods salesman
in a London shop had acquired such a reputation for courtesy and
exhaustless patience, that it was said to be impossible to provoke from
him any expression of irritability, or the smallest symptom of vexation.
A lady of rank learning of his wonderful equanimity, determined to put
it to the test by all the annoyances with which a veteran shop-visitor
knows how to tease a shopman. She failed in her attempt to vex or
irritate him, and thereupon set him up in business. He rose to eminence
in trade, and the main spring of his later, as of his earlier career,
was politeness. Hundreds of men, like this salesman, have owed their
start in life wholly to their pleasing address and manners.


CULTIVATION OF GOOD MANNERS.

The cultivation of pleasing, affable manners should be an important part
of the education of every person of whatever calling or station in life.
Many people think that if they have only the substance, the form is of
little consequence. But manners are a compound of spirit and
form--spirit acted into form. The first law of good manners, which
epitomizes all the rest is, "Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself."
True courtesy is simply the application of this golden rule to all our
social conduct, or, as it has been happily defined, "real kindness,
kindly expressed." It may be met in the hut of the Arab, in the
courtyard of the Turk, in the hovel of the freedman, and the cottage of
the Irishman. Even Christian men sometimes fail in courtesy, deeming it
a mark of weakness, or neglecting it from mere thoughtlessness. Yet when
we find this added to the other virtues of the Christian, it will be
noted that his influence for good upon others has been powerfully
increased, for it was by this that he obtained access to the hearts of
others. An old English writer said reverently of our Saviour: "He was
the first true gentleman that ever lived." The influence of many good
men would be more than doubled if they could manage to be less stiff and
more elastic. Gentleness in society, it has been truly said, "is like
the silent influence of light which gives color to all nature; it is far
more powerful than loudness or force, and far more fruitful. It pushes
its way silently and persistently like the tiniest daffodil in spring,
which raises the clod and thrusts it aside by the simple persistence of
growing."


POLITENESS.

Politeness is kindness of manner. This is the outgrowth of kindness of
heart, of nobleness, and of courage. But in some persons we find an
abundance of courage, nobleness and kindness of heart, without kindness
of manner, and we can only think and speak of them as not only impolite,
but even rude and gruff. Such a man was Dr. Johnson, whose rudeness
secured for him the nickname of Ursa Major, and of whom Goldsmith
truthfully remarked, "No man alive has a more tender heart; he has
nothing of the bear about him but his skin." To acquire that ease and
grace of manners which is possessed by and which distinguishes every
well-bred person, one must think of others rather than of himself, and
study to please them even at his own inconvenience. "Do unto others as
you would that others should do unto you"--the golden rule of life--is
also the law of politeness, and such politeness implies self-sacrifice,
many struggles and conflicts. It is an art and tact, rather than an
instinct and inspiration. An eminent divine has said: "A noble and
attractive every-day bearing comes of goodness, of sincerity, of
refinement. And these are bred in years, not moments. The principle that
rules our life is the sure posture-master. Sir Philip Sidney was the
pattern to all England of a perfect gentleman; but then he was the hero
that, on the field of Zutphen, pushed away the cup of cold water from
his own fevered and parched lips, and held it out to the dying soldier
at his side." A Christian by the very conditions of his creed, and the
obligations of his faith is, of necessity, in mind and soul--and
therefore in word and act--a gentleman, but a man may be polite without
being a Christian.

 [Illustration]




CHAPTER III.

Introductions.


An acquaintanceship or friendship usually begins by means of
introductions, though it is by no means uncommon that when it has taken
place under other circumstances--without introduction--it has been a
great advantage to both parties; nor can it be said that it is improper
to begin an acquaintance in this way. The formal introduction has been
called the highway to the beginning of friendship, and the "scraped"
acquaintance the by-path.


PROMISCUOUS INTRODUCTION.

There is a large class of people who introduce friends and acquaintances
to everybody they meet, whether at home or abroad, while walking or
riding out. Such promiscuous introductions are neither necessary,
desirable, nor at all times agreeable.


AN INTRODUCTION A SOCIAL ENDORSEMENT.

It is to be remembered that an introduction is regarded as a social
endorsement of the person introduced, and that, under certain
circumstances, it would be wrong to introduce to our friends casual
acquaintances, of whom we know nothing, and who may afterwards prove to
be anything but desirable persons to know. Care should be taken,
therefore, in introducing two individuals, that the introduction be
mutually agreeable. Whenever it is practicable, it is best to settle the
point by inquiring beforehand. When this is inexpedient from any cause,
a thorough acquaintance with both parties will warrant the introducer to
judge of the point for him or herself.


UNIVERSAL INTRODUCTIONS.

While the habit of universal introductions is a bad one, there are many
men in cities and villages who are not at all particular whom they
introduce to each other. As a general rule, a man should be as careful
about the character of the person he introduces to his friends, as he is
of him whose notes he would endorse.


THE INTRODUCTION OF A GENTLEMAN TO A LADY.

A gentleman should not be introduced to a lady, unless her permission
has been previously obtained, and no one should ever be introduced into
the house of a friend, except permission is first granted. Such
introductions, however, are frequent, but they are improper, for a
person cannot know that an introduction of this kind will be agreeable.
If a person asks you to introduce him to another, or a gentleman asks to
be introduced to a lady, and you find the introduction would not be
agreeable to the other party, you may decline on the grounds that you
are not sufficiently intimate to take that liberty.

When a gentleman is introduced to a lady, both bow slightly, and the
gentleman opens conversation. It is the place of the one who is
introduced to make the first remark.


INFORMAL INTRODUCTION.

It is not strictly necessary that acquaintanceship should wait a formal
introduction. Persons meeting at the house of a common friend may
consider that fact a sufficient warrant for the preliminaries of
acquaintanceship, if there appears to be a mutual inclination toward
such acquaintanceship. The presence of a person in a friend's house is a
sufficient guaranty for his or her respectability. Gentlemen and ladies
may form acquaintances in traveling, on a steamboat, in a railway car,
or a stage-coach, without the formality of an introduction. Such
acquaintanceship should be conducted with a certain amount of reserve,
and need not be prolonged beyond the time of casual meeting. The
slightest approach to disrespect or familiarity should be checked by
dignified silence. A young lady, however, is not accorded the same
privilege of forming acquaintances as is a married or elderly lady, and
should be careful about doing so.


INTRODUCTIONS AT A BALL.

It is the part of the host and hostess at a ball to introduce their
guests, though guests may, with perfect propriety, introduce each
other, or, as already intimated, may converse with one another without
the ceremony of a formal introduction. A gentleman, before introducing
his friends to ladies, should obtain permission of the latter to do so,
unless he is perfectly sure, from his knowledge of the ladies, that the
introductions will be agreeable. The ladies should always grant such
permission, unless there is a strong reason for refusing. The French,
and to some extent the English, dispense with introductions at a private
ball. The fact that they have been invited to meet each other is
regarded as a guaranty that they are fit to be mutually acquainted, and
is a sufficient warrant for self-introduction. At a public ball partners
must be introduced to each other. Special introducing may be made with
propriety by the master of ceremonies. At public balls it is well for
ladies to dance only, or for the most part, with gentlemen of their own
party, or those with whom they have had a previous acquaintance.


THE MANNER OF INTRODUCTION.

The proper form of introduction is to present the gentleman to the lady,
the younger to the older, the inferior in social standing to the
superior. In introducing, you bow to the lady and say, "Miss C., allow
me to introduce to you Mr. D. Mr. D., Miss C." It is the duty of Mr. D.
upon bowing to say, "It gives me great pleasure to form your
acquaintance, Miss C.," or a remark of this nature.

If gentlemen are to be introduced to one another, the form is, "Col.
Blank, permit me to introduce to you Mr. Cole. Mr. Cole, Col. Blank."
The exact words of an introduction are immaterial, so long as the proper
form and order is preserved.

The word "present" is often used in place of "introduce." While it is
customary to repeat the names of the two parties introduced at the close
of the introduction, it is often omitted as a useless formality. It is
of the utmost importance that each name should be spoken distinctly. If
either of the parties does not distinctly hear the name of the other he
should say at once, without hesitation or embarrassment, before making
the bow, "I beg your pardon; I did not catch (or understand) the name,"
when it may be repeated to him.

If several persons are to be introduced to one individual, mention the
name of the single individual first, and then call the others in
succession, bowing slightly as each name is pronounced.

It is the part of true politeness, after introductions, to explain to
each person introduced something of the business or residence of each,
as they will assist in opening conversation. Or, if one party has
recently returned from a foreign trip, it is courteous to say so.


CASUAL INTRODUCTIONS.

While it is not necessary to introduce people who chance to meet in your
house during a morning call; yet, if there is no reason for supposing
that such an introduction will be objectionable to either party, it
seems better to give it, as it sets both parties at ease in
conversation. Acquaintanceship may or may not follow such an
introduction, at the option of the parties. People who meet at the house
of a mutual friend need not recognize each other as acquaintances if
they meet again elsewhere, unless they choose to do so.


INTRODUCING RELATIVES.

In introducing members of your own family, be careful not only to
specify the degree of relationship, but to give the name also. It is
awkward to a stranger to be introduced to "My brother Tom," or "My
sister Carrie." When either the introducer or the introduced is a
married lady, the name of the party introduced can only be guessed at.


BESTOWING OF TITLES.

In introducing a person give him his appropriate title. If he is a
clergyman, say "The Rev. Mr. Clark." If a doctor of divinity, say "The
Rev. Dr. Clark." If he is a member of Congress, call him "Honorable,"
and specify to which branch of Congress he belongs. If he is governor of
a State, mention what State. If he is a man of any celebrity in the
world of art or letters, it is well to mention the fact something after
this manner: "Mr. Fish, the artist, whose pictures you have frequently
seen," or "Mr. Hart, author of 'Our Future State,' which you so greatly
admired."


OBLIGATORY INTRODUCTIONS.

A friend visiting at your house must be introduced to all callers, and
courtesy requires the latter to cultivate the acquaintance while your
visitor remains with you. If you are the caller introduced, you must
show the same attention to the friend of your friend that you wish shown
your own friends under the same circumstances. Persons meeting at public
places need not introduce each other to the strangers who may chance to
be with them; and, even if the introduction does take place, the
acquaintance need not be continued unless desired.


THE OBLIGATION OF AN INTRODUCTION.

Two persons who have been properly introduced have in future certain
claims upon one another's acquaintance which should be recognized,
unless there are sufficient reasons for overlooking them. Even in that
case good manners require the formal bow of recognition upon meeting,
which, of itself, encourages no familiarity. Only a very ill-bred person
will meet another with a stare.


THE SALUTATION AFTER INTRODUCTION.

A slight bow is all that is required by courtesy, after an introduction.
Shaking hands is optional, and it should rest with the older, or the
superior in social standing to make the advances. It is often an act of
kindness on their part, and as such to be commended. It is a common
practice among gentlemen, when introduced to one another, to shake
hands, and as it evinces more cordiality than a mere bow, is generally
to be preferred. An unmarried lady should not shake hands with gentlemen
indiscriminately.


THE FIRST TO RECOGNIZE.

It is the privilege of the lady to determine whether she will recognize
a gentleman after an introduction, and he is bound to return the bow. In
bowing to a lady on the street, it is not enough that a gentleman should
touch his hat, he should lift it from his head.


THE "CUT DIRECT."

The "cut direct," which is given by a prolonged stare at a person, if
justified at all, can only be in case of extraordinary and notoriously
bad conduct on the part of the individual "cut," and is very seldom
called for. If any one wishes to avoid a bowing acquaintance with
another, it can be done by looking aside or dropping the eyes. It is an
invariable rule of good society, that a gentleman cannot "cut" a lady
under any circumstances, but circumstances may arise when he may be
excused for persisting in not meeting her eyes, for if their eyes meet,
he must bow.


MEETING IN THE STREET.

If, while walking with one friend, in the street, you meet another and
stop a moment to speak with the latter, it is not necessary to introduce
the two who are strangers to one another; but, when you separate, the
friend who accompanies you gives a parting salutation, the same as
yourself. The same rule applies if the friend you meet chances to be a
lady.


INTRODUCING YOURSELF.

If, on entering a drawing-room to pay a visit, you are not recognized,
mention your name immediately. If you know but one member of the family
and you find others only in the room, introduce yourself to them. Unless
this is done, much awkwardness may be occasioned.


ABOUT SHAKING HANDS.

When a lady is introduced to a gentleman, she should merely bow but not
give her hand, unless the gentleman is a well known friend of some
member of the family. In that case she may do so if she pleases, as a
mark of esteem or respect. A gentleman must not offer to shake hands
with a lady until she has made the first movement.

A married lady should extend her hand upon being introduced to a
stranger brought to her house by her husband, or by a common friend, as
an evidence of her cordial welcome.


LETTERS OF INTRODUCTION.

Friendly letters of introduction should only be given to personal
friends, introducing them, and only addressed to those with whom the
writer has a strong personal friendship. It is not only foolish, but
positively dangerous to give such a letter to a person with whom the
writer is but slightly acquainted, as you may thus give your countenance
and endorsement to a person who will take advantage of your carelessness
to bring you into embarrassing and mortifying positions. Again, you
should never address a letter of introduction to any but an intimate
friend of long standing, and even then it should not be done, unless you
are perfectly satisfied that the person you are to introduce will be an
agreeable and congenial person for your friend to meet, as it would be
very annoying to send to your friend a visitor who would prove to him
disagreeable. Even amongst friends of long standing such letters should
be given very cautiously and sparingly.

The form of letters of introduction is given in the chapter on
"Letter-writing."


DELIVERING A LETTER OF INTRODUCTION.

It is not necessary to deliver a friendly letter of introduction to a
person who resides in another town. It is better to send it to the
person to whom it is directed, on your arrival, accompanied by your card
of address. If he wishes to comply with the request of his friend he
will call upon you, and give you an invitation to visit him;
circumstances, however, might render it exceedingly inconvenient, or
impossible for the person to whom the letter is addressed, to call upon
you; consequently a neglect to call need not be considered a mark of
ill-breeding, though by some people it is so considered. The person
addressed must consult his own feelings in the matter, and while aiming
to do what is right, he is not bound to sacrifice business or other
important matters to attend to the entertainment of a friend's friend.
In such a case he may send his own card to the address of the person
bearing the letter of introduction, and the latter is at liberty to call
upon him at his leisure.


THE DUTY OF THE PERSON ADDRESSED.

In Europe it is the custom for a person with a letter of introduction to
make the first call, but in this country we think that a stranger should
never be made to feel that he is begging our attention, and that it is
indelicate for him to intrude until he is positive that his company
would be agreeable. Consequently, if it is your wish and in your power
to welcome any one recommended to you by letter from a friend, or to
show your regard for your friend's friend, you must call upon him with
all possible dispatch, after you receive his letter of introduction, and
give him as hospitable a reception and entertainment as it is possible
to give, and such as you would be pleased to receive were you in his
place.


LETTERS OF INTRODUCTION FOR BUSINESS PURPOSES.

Letters of introduction to and from business men may be delivered by the
bearers in person, and etiquette does not require the receiver to
entertain the person introduced as a friend of the writer. It is
entirely optional with the person to whom the latter is introduced how
he welcomes him, or whether he entertains him or not, though his
courtesy would be apt to suggest that some kind attentions should be
paid him.




CHAPTER IV.

Salutations.


Carlyle says: "What we call 'formulas' are not in their origin bad; they
are indisputably good. Formula is method, habitude; found wherever man
is found. Formulas fashion themselves as paths do, as beaten highways
leading toward some sacred, high object, whither many men are bent.
Consider it: One man full of heartfelt, earnest impulse finds out a way
of doing something--were it uttering his soul's reverence for the
Highest, _were it but of fitly saluting his fellow-man_. An inventor was
needed to do that, a poet; he has articulated the dim, struggling
thought that dwelt in his own and many hearts. This is the way of doing
that. These are his footsteps, the beginning of a 'path.' And now see
the second man travels naturally in the footsteps of his foregoer; it is
the easiest method. In the footsteps of his foregoer, yet with his
improvements, with changes where such seem good; at all events with
enlargements, the path ever widening itself as more travel it, till at
last there is a broad highway, whereon the whole world may travel and
drive."


SALUTATION ORIGINALLY AN ACT OF WORSHIP.

A lady writer of distinction says of salutations: "It would seem that
good manners were originally the expression of submission from the
weaker to the stronger. In a rude state of society every salutation is
to this day an act of worship. Hence the commonest acts, phrases and
signs of courtesy with which we are now familiar, date from those
earlier stages when the strong hand ruled and the inferior demonstrated
his allegiance by studied servility. Let us take, for example, the words
'sir' and 'madam.' 'Sir' is derived from seigneur, sieur, and originally
meant lord, king, ruler and, in its patriarchal sense, father. The title
of sire was last borne by some of the ancient feudal families of France,
who, as Selden has said, 'affected rather to be styled by the name of
sire than baron, as _Le Sire de Montmorenci_ and the like.' 'Madam' or
'madame,' corrupted by servants into 'ma'am,' and by Mrs. Gamp and her
tribe into 'mum,' is in substance equivalent to 'your exalted,' or 'your
highness,' _madame_ originally meaning high-born, or stately, and being
applied only to ladies of the highest rank.

"To turn to our every-day forms of salutation. We take off our hats on
visiting an acquaintance. We bow on being introduced to strangers. We
rise when visitors enter our drawing-room. We wave our hand to our
friend as he passes the window or drives away from our door. The
Oriental, in like manner, leaves his shoes on the threshold when he pays
a visit. The natives of the Tonga Islands kiss the soles of a
chieftain's feet. The Siberian peasant grovels in the dust before a
Russian noble. Each of these acts has a primary, an historical
significance. The very word 'salutation,' in the first place, derived as
it is from _salutatio_, the daily homage paid by a Roman client to his
patron, suggests in itself a history of manners.

"To bare the head was originally an act of submission to gods and
rulers. A bow is a modified prostration. A lady's courtesy is a modified
genuflection. Rising and standing are acts of homage; and when we wave
our hand to a friend on the opposite side of the street, we are
unconsciously imitating the Romans, who, as Selden tells us, used to
stand 'somewhat off before the images of their gods, solemnly moving the
right hand to the lips and casting it, as if they had cast kisses.'
Again, men remove the glove when they shake hands with a lady--a custom
evidently of feudal origin. The knight removed his iron gauntlet, the
pressure of which would have been all too harsh for the palm of a fair
_chatelaine_; and the custom, which began in necessity, has traveled
down to us as a point of etiquette."


SALUTATIONS OF DIFFERENT NATIONS.

Each nation has its own method of salutation. In Southern Africa it is
the custom to rub toes. In Lapland your friend rubs his nose against
yours. The Turk folds his arms upon his breast and bends his head very
low. The Moors of Morocco have a somewhat startling mode of salutation.
They ride at a gallop toward a stranger, as though they would unhorse
him, and when close at hand suddenly check their horse and fire a pistol
over the person's head. The Egyptian solicitously asks you, "How do you
perspire?" and lets his hand fall to the knee. The Chinese bows low and
inquires, "Have you eaten?" The Spaniard says, "God be with you, sir,"
or, "How do you stand?" And the Neapolitan piously remarks, "Grow in
holiness." The German asks, "How goes it with you?" The Frenchman bows
profoundly and inquires, "How do you carry yourself."

Foreigners are given to embracing. In France and Germany the parent
kisses his grown-up son on the forehead, men throw their arms around the
necks of their friends, and brothers embrace like lovers. It is a
curious sight to Americans, with their natural prejudices against
publicity in kissing.

In England and America there are three modes of salutation--the bow, the
handshaking and the kiss.


THE BOW.

It is said: "A bow is a note drawn at sight. You are bound to
acknowledge it immediately, and to the full amount." It should be
respectful, cordial, civil or familiar, according to circumstances.
Between gentlemen, an inclination of the head, a gesture of the hand, or
the mere touching of the hat is sufficient; but in bowing to a lady, the
hat must be lifted from the head. If you know people slightly, you
recognize them slightly; if you know them well, you bow with more
familiarity. The body is not bent at all in bowing; the inclination of
the head is all that is necessary.

If the gentleman is smoking, he withdraws his cigar from his mouth
before lifting his hat to a lady, or if he should happen to have his
hand in his pocket he removes it.

At the moment of the first meeting of the eyes of an acquaintance you
bow. Any one who has been introduced to you, or any one to whom you have
been introduced, is entitled to this mark of respect.

The bow is the touchstone of good breeding, and to neglect it, even to
one with whom you may have a trifling difference, shows deficiency in
cultivation and in the instincts of refinement. A bow does not entail a
calling acquaintance. Its entire neglect reveals the character and
training of the person; the manner of its observance reveals the very
shades of breeding that exist between the ill-bred and the well-bred.


RETURNING A BOW.

A gentleman walking with a lady returns a bow made to her, whether by a
lady or gentleman (lifting his hat not too far from his head), although
the one bowing is an entire stranger to him.

It is civility to return a bow, although you do not know the one who is
bowing to you. Either the one who bows, knows you, or has mistaken you
for some one else. In either case you should return the bow, and
probably the mistake will be discovered to have occurred for want of
quick recognition on your own part, or from some resemblance that you
bear to another.


THE MANNER OF BOWING.

The manner in which the salutation of recognition is made, may be
regarded as an unerring test of the breeding, training, or culture of a
person. It should be prompt as soon as the eyes meet, whether on the
street or in a room. The intercourse need go no further, but that bow
must be made. There are but few laws which have better reasons for their
observance than this. This rule holds good under all circumstances,
whether within doors or without. Those who abstain from bowing at one
time, and bow at another, should not be surprised to find that the
person whom they have neglected, has avoided the continuation of their
acquaintance.


DUTIES OF YOUNG TO OLDER PEOPLE.

Having once had an introduction that entitles to recognition, it is the
duty of the person to recall himself or herself to the recollection of
the older person, if there is much difference in age, by bowing each
time of meeting, until the recognition becomes mutual. As persons
advance in life, they look for these attentions upon the part of the
young. Persons who have large circles of acquaintance, often confuse the
faces of the young whom they know with the familiar faces which they
meet and do not know, and from frequent errors of this kind, they get
into the habit of waiting to catch some look or gesture of recognition.


HOW TO AVOID RECOGNITION.

If a person desires to avoid a bowing acquaintance with a person who has
been properly introduced, he may do so by looking aside, or dropping the
eyes as the person approaches, for, if the eyes meet, there is no
alternative, bow he must.


ON PUBLIC PROMENADES.

Bowing once to a person upon a public promenade or drive is all that
civility requires. If the person is a friend, it is in better form, the
second and subsequent passings, should you catch his or her eye, to
smile slightly instead of bowing repeatedly. If an acquaintance, it is
best to avert the eyes.


A SMILING BOW.

A bow should never be accompanied by a broad smile, even when you are
well acquainted, and yet a high authority well says: "You should never
speak to an acquaintance without a smile in your eyes."


DEFERENCE TO ELDERLY PEOPLE.

A young lady should show the same deference to an elderly lady that a
gentleman does to a lady. It may also be said that a young man should
show proper deference to elderly gentlemen.


WORDS OF SALUTATION.

The words commonly used in saluting a person are "Good Morning," "Good
Afternoon," "Good Evening," "How do you do" (sometimes contracted into
"Howdy" and "How dye do,") and "How are you." The three former are most
appropriate, as it seems somewhat absurd to ask after a person's health,
unless you stop to receive an answer. A respectful bow should accompany
the words.


SHAKING HANDS.

Among friends the shaking of the hand is the most genuine and cordial
expression of good-will. It is not necessary, though in certain cases it
is not forbidden, upon introduction; but when acquaintanceship has
reached any degree of intimacy, it is perfectly proper.


ETIQUETTE OF HANDSHAKING.

An authority upon this subject says: "The etiquette of handshaking is
simple. A man has no right to take a lady's hand until it is offered. He
has even less right to pinch or retain it. Two young ladies shake hands
gently and softly. A young lady gives her hand, but does not shake a
gentleman's unless she is his friend. A lady should always rise to give
her hand; a gentleman, of course, never dares to do so seated. On
introduction in a room, a married lady generally offers her hand; a
young lady, not. In a ball-room, where the introduction is to dancing,
not to friendship, you never shake hands; and as a general rule, an
introduction is not followed by shaking hands, only by a bow. It may
perhaps be laid down that the more public the place of introduction, the
less handshaking takes place. But if the introduction be particular, if
it be accompanied by personal recommendation, such as, 'I want you to
know my friend Jones,' or if Jones comes with a letter of presentation,
then you give Jones your hand, and warmly, too. Lastly, it is the
privilege of a superior to offer or withhold his or her hand, so that an
inferior should never put his forward first."

When a lady so far puts aside her reserve as to shake hands at all, she
should give her hand with frankness and cordiality. There should be
equal frankness and cordiality on the gentleman's part, and even more
warmth, though a careful avoidance of anything like offensive
familiarity or that which might be mistaken as such.

In shaking hands, the right hand should always be offered, unless it be
so engaged as to make it impossible, and then an excuse should be
offered. The French give the left hand, as nearest the heart.

The mistress of a household should offer her hand to every guest invited
to her house.

A gentleman must not shake hands with a lady until she has made the
first move in that direction. It is a mark of rudeness not to give his
hand instantly, should she extend her own. A married lady should always
extend her hand to a stranger brought to her house by a common friend,
as an evidence of her cordial welcome. Where an introduction is for
dancing there is no shaking of hands.


THE KISS.

This is the most affectionate form of salutation, and is only proper
among near relations and dear friends.


THE KISS OF FRIENDSHIP.

The kiss of friendship and relationship is on the cheeks and forehead.
In this country this act of affection is generally excluded from public
eyes, and in the case of parents and children and near relations, it is
perhaps unnecessarily so.


KISSING IN PUBLIC.

The custom which has become quite prevalent of women kissing each other
whenever they meet in public, is regarded as vulgar, and by ladies of
delicacy and refinement is entirely avoided.


THE KISS OF RESPECT.

The kiss of respect--almost obsolete in this country--is made on the
hand. The custom is retained in Germany and among gentlemen of the most
courtly manners in England.

 [Illustration]




CHAPTER V.

Etiquette of Calls.


There are calls of ceremony, of condolence, of congratulation and of
friendship. All but the latter are usually of short duration. The call
of friendship is usually of less formality and may be of some length.


MORNING CALLS.

"Morning calls," as they are termed, should not be made earlier than 12
P.M., nor later than 5 P.M.

A morning call should not exceed half an hour in length. From ten to
twenty minutes is ordinarily quite long enough. If other visitors come
in, the visit should terminate as speedily as possible. Upon leaving,
bow slightly to the strangers.

In making a call be careful to avoid the luncheon and dinner hour of
your friends. From two until five is ordinarily the most convenient time
for morning calls.


EVENING CALLS.

It is sometimes more convenient for both the caller and those called
upon that the call should be made in the evening. An evening call should
never be made later than nine o'clock, nor be prolonged after ten,
neither should it exceed an hour in length.


RULES FOR FORMAL CALLS.

The lady of the house rises upon the entrance of her visitors, who at
once advance to pay their respects to her before speaking to others. If
too many callers are present to enable her to take the lead in
conversation, she pays special attention to the latest arrivals,
watching to see that no one is left alone, and talking to each of her
guests in succession, or seeing that some one is doing so.

A lady who is not in her own house does not rise, either on the arrival
or departure of ladies, unless there is some great difference of age.
Attention to the aged is one of the marks of good breeding which is
never neglected by the thoughtful and refined.

It is not customary to introduce residents of the same city, unless the
hostess knows that an introduction will be agreeable to both parties.
Strangers in the place are always introduced.

Ladies and gentlemen who meet in the drawing-room of a common friend are
privileged to speak to each other without an introduction; though
gentlemen generally prefer to ask for introductions. When introduced to
any one, bow slightly, and enter at once into conversation. It shows a
lack of good breeding not to do so.

When introductions are given, it is the gentleman who should be
presented to the lady; when two ladies are introduced, it is the younger
who is presented to the older.

A lady receiving gives her hand to a stranger as to a friend, when she
wishes to bestow some mark of cordiality in welcoming a guest to her
home, but a gentleman should not take the initiatory in handshaking. It
is the lady's privilege to give or withhold, as she chooses.

A gentleman rises when those ladies with whom he is talking rise to take
their leave. He also rises upon the entrance of ladies, but he does not
offer seats to those entering, unless in his own house, or unless
requested to do so by the hostess, and then he does not offer his own
chair if others are available.

A call should not be less than fifteen minutes in duration, nor should
it be so long as to become tedious. A bore is a person who does not know
when you have had enough of his or her company, and gives more of it
than is desirable. Choose a time to leave when there is a lull in the
conversation, and the hostess is not occupied with fresh arrivals. Then
take leave of your hostess, bowing to those you know as you leave the
room, not to each in turn, but let one bow include all.

Calls ought to be made within three days after a dinner or tea party, if
it is a first invitation; and if not, within a week. After a party or a
ball, whether you have accepted the invitation or not, you call within
a week.

A lady who has no regular reception day will endeavor to receive callers
at any time. If she is occupied, she will instruct her servant to say
that she is engaged; but a visitor once admitted into the house must be
seen at any inconvenience.

A lady should never keep a caller waiting without sending to see whether
a delay of a few minutes will inconvenience the caller. Servants should
be instructed to return and announce to the person waiting that the lady
will be down immediately. Any delay whatever should be apologized for.

If, on making a call, you are introduced into a room where you are
unknown to those assembled, at once give your name and mention upon whom
your call is made.

In meeting a lady or gentleman whose name you cannot recall, frankly say
so, if you find it necessary. Sensible persons will prefer to recall
themselves to your memory rather than to feel that you are talking to
them without fully recognizing them. To affect not to remember a person
is despicable, and reflects only on the pretender.

Gentlemen, as well as ladies, when making formal calls, send in but one
card, no matter how many members of the family they may wish to see. If
a guest is stopping at the house, the same rule is observed. If not at
home, one card is left for the lady, and one for the guest. The card
for the lady may be folded so as to include the family.


RULES FOR SUMMER RESORTS.

At places of summer resort, those who own their cottages, call first
upon those who rent them, and those who rent, in turn, call upon each
other, according to priority of arrival. In all these cases there are
exceptions; as, where there is any great difference in ages, the younger
then calling upon the older, if there has been a previous acquaintance
or exchange of calls. If there has been no previous acquaintance or
exchange of calls, the older lady pays the first call, unless she takes
the initiative by inviting the younger to call upon her, or by sending
her an invitation to some entertainment, which she is about to give.
When the occupants of two villas, who have arrived the same season, meet
at the house of a common friend, and the older of the two uses her
privilege of inviting the other to call, it would be a positive rudeness
not to call; and the sooner the call is made, the more civil will it be
considered. It is equally rude, when one lady asks permission of another
to bring a friend to call, and then neglects to do it, after permission
has been given. If the acquaintance is not desired, the first call can
be the last.


CALLS MADE BY CARDS.

Only calls of pure ceremony--such as are made previous to an
entertainment on those persons who are not to be invited, and to whom
you are indebted for any attentions--are made by handing in cards; nor
can a call in person be returned by cards. Exceptions to this rule
comprise P.P.C. calls, cards left or sent by persons in mourning, and
those which announce a lady's day for receiving calls, on her return to
town, after an absence.


RECEPTION DAYS.

Some ladies receive only on certain days or evenings, which are once a
week, once a fortnight, or once a month as the case may be, and the time
is duly announced by cards. When a lady has made this rule it is
considerate, on the part of her friends, to observe it, for it is
sometimes regarded as an intrusion to call at any other time. The reason
of her having made this rule may have been to prevent the loss of too
much time from her duties, in the receiving of calls from her friends.


CALLS AFTER BETROTHAL.

When a betrothal takes place and it is formally announced to the
relatives and friends on both sides, calls of congratulation follow. The
bridegroom that is to be, is introduced by the family of the proposed
bride to their connections and most intimate friends, and his family in
return introduce her to relatives and acquaintances whom they desire her
to know. The simplest way of bringing this about is by the parents
leaving the cards of the betrothed, with their own, upon all families on
their visiting list whom they wish to have the betrothed pair visit.


THE CARDS AND CALLS OF STRANGERS.

Strangers arriving are expected to send their cards to their
acquaintances, bearing their direction, as an announcement that they are
in the city. This rule is often neglected, but, unless it is observed,
strangers may be a long time in town without their presence being known.


RETURNING A FIRST CALL.

A first call ought to be returned within three or four days. A longer
delay than a week is considered an intimation that you are unwilling to
accept the new acquaintance, unless some excuse for the remissness is
made.


FORMING ACQUAINTANCE.

In an event of exchange of calls between two ladies, without meeting,
who are known to each other only by sight, they should upon the first
opportunity, make themselves acquainted with one another. The younger
should seek the older, or the one who has been the recipient of the
first attention should introduce herself, or seek an introduction, but
it is not necessary to stand upon ceremony on such points. Ladies
knowing each other by sight, bow, after an exchange of cards.


THE FIRST CALL.

When it becomes a question as to who shall call first, between old
residents, the older should take the initiatory. Ladies, who have been
in the habit of meeting for sometime without exchanging calls, sometimes
say to each other: "I hope you will come and see me!" and often the
answer is made: "Oh, you must come and see me first!" That answer could
only be given, with propriety, by a lady who is much the older of the
two. The lady who extends the invitation makes the first advance, and
the one who receives it should at least say: "I thank you--you are very
kind," and then accept the invitation or not, as it pleases her. It is
the custom for residents to make the first call upon strangers.


CALLS OF CONGRATULATION.

Calls of congratulation are made when any happy or auspicious event may
have occurred in the family visited--such as a birth, marriage, or any
piece of good fortune. Such visits may be made either similar to the
morning or the evening call. Such visits may also be made upon the
appointment of friends to any important office or honored position, or
when a friend has distinguished himself by a notable public address or
oration.


P.P.C. CALLS.

When persons are going abroad to be absent for a considerable period, if
they have not time or inclination to take leave of all their friends by
making formal calls, they will send to each of their friends a card with
the letters P.P.C. written upon it. They are the initials of "Pour
Prendre Conge"--to take leave--and may with propriety stand for
"presents parting compliments." On returning home, it is customary that
friends should first call upon them. A neglect to do so, unless for
some good excuse, is sufficient cause to drop their acquaintance. In
taking leave of a family, you send as many cards as you would if you
were paying an ordinary visit.


VISITS OF CONDOLENCE.

Visits of condolence should be made within a week after the event which
occasioned them; but if the acquaintance be slight, immediately after
the family appear at public worship. A card should be sent in, and if
your friends are able to receive you, your manners and conversation
should be in harmony with the character of your visit. It is deemed
courteous to send in a mourning card; and for ladies to make their calls
in black silk or plain-colored apparel. It denotes that they sympathize
with the afflictions of the family, and a warm, heartfelt sympathy is
always appreciated.


EVENING VISITS.

Evening visits are paid only to those with whom we are well acquainted.
They should not be frequent, even where one is intimate, nor should they
be protracted to a great length. Frequent visits are apt to become
tiresome to your friends or acquaintances, and long visits may entitle
you to the appellation of "bore."

If you should happen to pay an evening visit at a house where a small
party had assembled, unknown to you, present yourself and converse for a
few minutes with an unembarrassed air, after which you may leave,
pleading as an excuse that you had only intended to make a short call.
An invitation to stay and spend the evening, given for the sake of
courtesy, should not be accepted. If urged very strongly to remain, and
the company is an informal gathering, you may with propriety consent to
do so.


KEEP AN ACCOUNT OF CALLS.

A person should keep a strict account of ceremonial calls, and take note
of how soon calls are returned. By doing so, an opinion can be formed as
to how frequently visits are desired. Instances may occur, when, in
consequence of age or ill health, calls should be made without any
reference to their being returned. It must be remembered that nothing
must interrupt the discharge of this duty.


CALLS OF CEREMONY AMONG FRIENDS.

Among relatives and friends, calls of mere ceremony are unnecessary. It
is, however, needful to make suitable calls, and to avoid staying too
long, if your friend is engaged. The courtesies of society should be
maintained among the nearest friends, and even the domestic circle.


"ENGAGED" OR "NOT AT HOME."

If a lady is so employed that she cannot receive callers she should
charge the servant who goes to answer the bell to say that she is
"engaged" or "not at home." This will prove sufficient with all
well-bred people.

The servant should have her orders to say "engaged" or "not at home"
before any one has called, so that the lady shall avoid all risk of
being obliged to inconvenience herself in receiving company when she has
intended to deny herself. If there are to be exceptions made in favor of
any individual or individuals, mention their names specially to the
servant, adding that you will see them if they call, but to all others
you are "engaged."

A lady should always be dressed sufficiently well to receive company,
and not keep them waiting while she is making her toilet.

A well-bred person always endeavors to receive visitors at whatever time
they call, or whoever they may be, but there are times when it is
impossible to do so, and then, of course, a servant is instructed
beforehand to say "not at home" to the visitor. If, however, the servant
admits the visitor and he is seated in the drawing room or parlor, it is
the duty of the hostess to receive him or her at whatever inconvenience
it may be to herself.

When you call upon persons, and are informed at the door that the
parties whom you ask for are engaged, you should never insist in an
attempt to be admitted, but should acquiesce at once in any arrangements
which they have made for their convenience, and to protect themselves
from interruption. However intimate you may be in any house you have no
right, when an order has been given to exclude general visitors, and no
exception has been made of you, to violate that exclusion, and declare
that the party should be at home to you. There are times and seasons
when a person desires to be left entirely alone, and at such times there
is no friendship for which she would give up her occupation or her
solitude.


GENERAL RULES REGARDING CALLS.

A gentleman in making a formal call should retain his hat and gloves in
his hand on entering the room. The hat should not be laid upon a table
or stand, but kept in the hand, unless it is found necessary from some
cause to set it down. In that case, place it upon the floor. An umbrella
should be left in the hall. In an informal evening call, the hat,
gloves, overcoat and cane may be left in the hall.

A lady, in making a call, may bring a stranger, even a gentleman, with
her, without previous permission. A gentleman, however, should never
take the same liberty.

No one should prolong a call if the person upon whom the call is made is
found dressed ready to go out.

A lady should be more richly dressed when calling on her friends than
for an ordinary walk.

A lady should never call upon a gentleman except upon some business,
officially or professionally.

Never allow young children, dogs or pets of any sort to accompany you in
a call. They often prove disagreeable and troublesome.

Two persons out of one family, or at most three, are all that should
call together.

It is not customary in cities to offer refreshments to callers. In the
country, where the caller has come from some distance, it is exceedingly
hospitable to do so.

Calls in the country may be less ceremonious and of longer duration,
than those made in the city.

A person making a call should not, while waiting for a hostess, touch an
open piano, walk about the room examining pictures, nor handle any
ornament in the room.

If there is a stranger visiting at the house of a friend, the
acquaintances of the family should be punctilious to call at an early
date.

Never offer to go to the room of an invalid upon whom you have called,
but wait for an invitation to do so.

In receiving morning calls, it is unnecessary for a lady to lay aside
any employment, not of an absorbing nature upon which she may happen to
be engaged. Embroidery, crocheting or light needle-work are perfectly in
harmony with the requirements of the hour, and the lady looks much
better employed than in absolute idleness.

A lady should pay equal attention to all her guests. The display of
unusual deference is alone allowable when distinguished rank or
reputation or advanced age justifies it.

A guest should take the seat indicated by the hostess. A gentleman
should never seat himself on a sofa beside her, nor in a chair in
immediate proximity, unless she specially invites him to do so.

A lady need not lay aside her bonnet during a formal call, even though
urged to do so. If the call be a friendly and unceremonious one, she
may do so if she thinks proper, but not without an invitation.

A gentleman caller must not look at his watch during a call, unless, in
doing so, he pleads some engagement and asks to be excused.

Formal calls are generally made twice a year; but only once a year is
binding, when no invitations have been received that require calls in
return.

In calling upon a person living at a hotel or boarding-house, it is
customary to stop in the parlor and send your card to the room of the
person called upon.

When a person has once risen to take leave, he should not be persuaded
to prolong his stay.

Callers should take special pains to make their visits opportune. On the
other hand, a lady should always receive her callers, at whatever hour
or day they come, if it is possible to do so.

When a gentleman has called and not found the lady at home, it is
civility on the part of the lady, upon the occasion of their next
meeting, to express her regret at not seeing him. He should reciprocate
the regret, and not reply unthinkingly or awkwardly: "Oh, it made no
particular difference," "it was of no great consequence," or words to
that effect.

After you have visited a friend at her country seat, or after receiving
an invitation to visit her, a call is due her upon her return to her
town residence. This is one of the occasions when a call should be made
promptly and in person, unless you have a reason for wishing to
discontinue the acquaintance; even then it would be more civil to take
another opportunity for dropping a friend who wished to show a civility,
unless her character has been irretrievably lost in the meantime.


NEW-YEAR'S CALLS.

The custom of New-Year's calling is prevalent in all cities, and most
villages in the country, and so agreeable a custom is it, that it is
becoming more in favor every year. This is the day when gentlemen keep
up their acquaintanceship with ladies and families, some of whom they
are unable to see, probably, during the whole year. Of late it has been
customary in many cities to publish in one or more newspapers, a day or
two before New Years, a list of the ladies who will receive calls on
that day, and from this list gentlemen arrange their calls. For
convenience and to add to the pleasure of the day, several ladies
frequently unite in receiving calls at the residence of one of their
number, but this is usually done when only one or two members of a
family can receive. Where there are several members of a family, who can
do so, they usually receive at their own home.

Gentlemen call either singly, in couples, by threes or fours and
sometimes even more, in carriages or on foot, as they choose. Calls
commence about ten o'clock in the morning, and continue until about nine
in the evening. When the gentlemen go in parties, they call upon the
lady friends of each, and if all are not acquainted, those who are,
introduce the others. The length of a call is usually from five to
fifteen minutes, but it is often governed by circumstances, and may be
prolonged to even an hour.

Refreshments are usually provided for the callers, and should always be
offered, but it is not necessary that they should be accepted. If not
accepted, an apology should be tendered, with thanks for the offer. The
refreshments may consist of oysters, raw or scalloped, cold meats,
salads, fruits, cakes, sandwiches, etc., and hot tea and coffee.

When callers are ushered into the reception-room, they are met by the
ladies, when introductions are given, and the callers are invited to
remove their overcoats, but it is optional with them whether they do so
or not. It is also optional with them whether they remove their gloves.
When gentlemen are introduced to ladies in making New-Year's calls, they
are not thereby warranted in calling again upon any of these ladies,
unless especially invited to do so. It is the lady's pleasure whether
the acquaintance shall be maintained.

In making New-Year's calls, a gentleman leaves one card, whatever may be
the number of ladies receiving with the hostess. If there is a basket at
the door, he leaves a card for each of the ladies at the house,
including lady guests of the family, provided there are any. The
New-Year's card should not differ from an ordinary calling card. It
should be plain, with the name engraved, or printed in neat script. It
is not now considered in good taste to have "Happy New Year" or other
words upon it, unless it may be the residence of the gentleman, which
may be printed or written in the right hand corner, if deemed desirable.
A gentleman does not make calls the first New-Year's after his marriage,
but receives at home with his wife.

 [Illustration]




CHAPTER VI.

Etiquette of Visiting.


Some of the social observances pertaining to visiting away from one's
own home, and accepting the hospitalities of friends, are here given,
and are applicable to ladies and gentlemen alike.


GENERAL INVITATIONS.

No one should accept a general invitation for a prolonged visit. "Do
come and spend some time with me" may be said with all earnestness and
cordiality, but to give the invitation real meaning the date should be
definitely fixed and the length of time stated.

A person who pays a visit upon a general invitation need not be
surprised if he finds himself as unwelcome as he is unexpected. His
friends may be absent from home, or their house may be already full, or
they may not have made arrangements for visitors. From these and other
causes they may be greatly inconvenienced by an unexpected arrival.

It would be well if people would abstain altogether from this custom of
giving general invitations, which really mean nothing, and be scrupulous
to invite their desired guests at a stated time and for a given period.


LIMIT OF A PROLONGED VISIT.

If no exact length of time is specified, it is well for visitors to
limit a visit to three days or a week, according to the degree of
intimacy they may have with the family, or the distance they have come
to pay the visit, announcing this limitation soon after arrival, so that
the host and the hostess may invite a prolongation of the stay if they
desire it, or so that they can make their arrangements in accordance.
One never likes to ask of a guest, "How long do you intend to remain?"
yet it is often most desirable to know.


TRUE HOSPITALITY.

Offer your guests the best that you have in the way of food and rooms,
and express no regrets, and make no excuses that you have nothing better
to give them.

Try to make your guests feel at home; and do this, not by urging them in
empty words to do so, but by making their stay as pleasant as possible,
at the same time being careful to put out of sight any trifling trouble
or inconvenience they may cause you.

Devote as much time as is consistent with other engagements to the
amusement and entertainment of your guests.


DUTIES OF THE VISITOR.

On the other hand, the visitor should try to conform as much as possible
to the habits of the house which temporarily shelters him. He should
never object to the hours at which meals are served, nor should he ever
allow the family to be kept waiting on his account.

It is a good rule for a visitor to retire to his own apartment in the
morning, or at least seek out some occupation or amusement of his own,
without seeming to need the assistance or attention of host or hostess;
for it is undeniable that these have certain duties which must be
attended to at this portion of the day, in order to leave the balance of
the time free for the entertainment of their guests.

If any family matters of a private or unpleasant nature come to the
knowledge of the guest during his stay, he must seem both blind and
deaf, and never refer to them unless the parties interested speak of
them first.

The rule on which a host and hostess should act is to make their guests
as much at ease as possible; that on which a visitor should act is to
interfere as little as possible with the ordinary routine of the house.

It is not required that a hostess should spend her whole time in the
entertainment of her guests. The latter may prefer to be left to their
own devices for a portion of the day. On the other hand, it shows the
worst of breeding for a visitor to seclude himself from the family and
seek his own amusements and occupations regardless of their desire to
join in them or entertain him.

You should try to hold yourself at the disposal of those whom you are
visiting. If they propose to you to ride, to drive or walk, you should
acquiesce as far as your strength will permit, and do your best to seem
pleased at the efforts made to entertain you.

You should not accept invitations without consulting your host. You
should not call upon the servants to do errands for you, or to wait upon
you too much, nor keep the family up after hours of retiring.

If you have observed anything to the disadvantage of your friends, while
partaking of their hospitality, it should never be mentioned, either
while you are under their roof or afterwards. Speak only of what
redounds to their praise and credit. This feeling ought to be mutual
between host and guest. Whatever good is observed in either may be
commented upon, but the curtain of silence must be drawn over their
faults.

Give as little trouble as possible when a guest, but at the same time
never think of apologizing for any little additional trouble which your
visit may occasion. It would imply that you thought your friends
incapable of entertaining you without some inconvenience to themselves.

Keep your room as neat as possible, and leave no articles of dress or
toilet around to give trouble to servants.

A lady guest will not hesitate to make her own bed, if few or no
servants are kept; and in the latter case she will do whatever else she
can to lighten the labors of her hostess as a return for the additional
exertion her visit occasions.


INVITATIONS TO GUESTS.

Any invitation given to a lady guest should also include the hostess,
and the guest is justified in declining to accept any invitation unless
the hostess is also invited. Invitations received by the hostess should
include the guest. Thus, at all places of amusement and entertainment,
guest and host may be together.


FORBEARANCE WITH CHILDREN.

A guest should not notice nor find fault with the bad behavior of the
children in the household where visiting, and should put up with any of
their faults, and overlook any ill-bred or disagreeable actions on their
part.


GUESTS MAKING PRESENTS.

If a guest wishes to make a present to any member of the family she is
visiting, it should be to the hostess, or if to any of the children, to
the youngest in preference, though it is usually better to give it to
the mother. Upon returning home, when the guest writes to the hostess,
she expresses her thanks for the hospitality, and requests to be
remembered to the family.


TREATMENT OF A HOST'S FRIENDS.

If you are a guest, you must be very cautious as to the treatment of the
friends of your host or hostess. If you do not care to be intimate with
them, you must be careful not to show a dislike for them, or that you
wish to avoid them. You must be exceedingly polite and agreeable to
them, avoiding any special familiarity, and keep them at a distance
without hurting their feelings. Do not say to your host or hostess that
you do not like any of their friends.


LEAVE-TAKING.

Upon taking leave, express the pleasure you have experienced in your
visit. Upon returning home it is an act of courtesy to write and inform
your friends of your safe arrival, at the same time repeating your
thanks.

A host and hostess should do all they can to make the visit of a friend
agreeable; they should urge him to stay as long as it is consistent with
his own plans, and at the same time convenient to themselves. But when
the time for departure has been fully fixed upon, no obstacle should be
placed in the way of leave-taking. Help him in every possible way to
depart, at the same time giving him a cordial invitation to renew the
visit at some future period.

          "Welcome the coming, speed the parting, guest,"

expresses the true spirit of hospitality.

 [Illustration]




CHAPTER VII.

Visiting and Calling Cards.


An authentic writer upon visiting cards says: "To the unrefined or
underbred, the visiting card is but a trifling and insignificant bit of
paper; but to the cultured disciple of social law, it conveys a subtle
and unmistakable intelligence. Its texture, style of engraving, and even
the hour of leaving it combine to place the stranger, whose name it
bears, in a pleasant or a disagreeable attitude, even before his
manners, conversation and face have been able to explain his social
position. The higher the civilization of a community, the more careful
it is to preserve the elegance of its social forms. It is quite as easy
to express a perfect breeding in the fashionable formalities of cards,
as by any other method, and perhaps, indeed, it is the safest herald of
an introduction for a stranger. Its texture should be fine, its
engraving a plain script, its size neither too small, so that its
recipients shall say to themselves, 'A whimsical person,' nor too large
to suggest ostentation. Refinement seldom touches extremes in
anything."


CALLING CARDS.

A card used in calling should have nothing upon it but the name of the
caller. A lady's card should not bear her place of residence; such cards
having, of late, been appropriated by the members of the demi-monde. The
street and number always look better upon the card of the husband than
upon that of the wife. When necessary, they can be added in pencil on
the cards of the wife and daughter. A business card should never be used
for a friendly call. A physician may put the prefix "Dr.," or the affix
"M.D.," upon his card, and an army or navy officer his rank and branch
of service.


WEDDING CARDS.

Wedding cards are only sent to those people whom the newly married
couple desire to keep among their acquaintances, and it is then the duty
of those receiving the cards to call first on the young couple.

An ancient custom, but one which has been recently revived, is for the
friends of the bride and groom to send cards; these are of great variety
in size and design, and resemble Christmas or Easter cards but are
usually more artistic.


CHRISTMAS AND EASTER CARDS.

A very charming custom that is coming into vogue is the giving or
sending of Easter and Christmas cards. These are of such elegant designs
and variety of colors that the stationer takes great pride in
decorating his shop windows with them; indeed some of them are so
elegant as to resemble oil paintings. Books and other small offerings
may accompany cards as a token of remembrance.


CARDS TO SERVE FOR CALLS.

A person may make a card serve the purpose of a call, and it may either
be sent in an envelope, by messenger or left in person. If left in
person, one corner should be turned down. To indicate that a call is
made on all or several members of the family; the card for the lady of
the house is folded in the middle. If guests are visiting at the house,
a card is left for each guest.


ENCLOSING A CARD IN AN ENVELOPE.

To return a call made in person with a card inclosed in an envelope, is
an intimation that visiting between the parties is ended. Those who
leave or send their cards with no such intention, should not inclose
them in an envelope. An exception to this rule is where they are sent in
return to the newly married living in other cities, or in answering
wedding cards forwarded when absent from home. P.P.C. cards are also
sent in this way, and are the only cards that it is as yet universally
considered admissible to send by post.


SIZE AND STYLE OF VISITING OR CALLING CARDS.

A medium sized is in better taste than a very large card for married
persons. Cards bearing the name of the husband alone are smaller. The
cards of unmarried men should also be small. The engraving in simple
writing is preferred, and without flourishes. Nothing in cards can be
more commonplace than large printed letters, be the type what it may.
Young men should dispense with the "Mr." before their names.

 [Illustration: CALLING CARDS.]


CORNERS OF CARDS TURNED DOWN.

The signification of turning down the corners of cards are:

          _Visite_--The right hand upper corner.
          _Felicitation_--The left hand upper corner.
          _Condolence_--The left hand lower corner.
              _P.P.C._    }
          _To Take Leave_ } The right hand lower corner.
          Card, right hand end turned down--_Delivered in Person._


CARD FOR MOTHER AND DAUGHTER.

The name of young ladies are sometimes printed or engraved on their
mother's cards; both in script. It is, of course, allowable, for the
daughter to have cards of her own.

Some ladies have adopted the fashion of having the daughter's name on
the same card with their own and their husband's names.


GLAZED CARDS.

Glazed cards are quite out of fashion, as are cards and note paper with
gilt edges. The fashion in cards, however, change so often, that what is
in style one year, may not be the next.


P.P.C. CARDS.

A card left at a farewell visit, before a long protracted absence, has
"P.P.C." (Pour Prendre Conge) written in one corner. It is not necessary
to deliver such cards in person, for they may be sent by a messenger, or
by post if necessary. P.P.C. cards are not left when the absence from
home is only for a few months, nor by persons starting in mid-summer for
a foreign country, as residents are then supposed to be out of town.
They are sent to or left with friends by ladies just previous to their
contemplated marriage to serve the purpose of a call.


CARDS OF CONGRATULATION.

Cards of congratulation must be left in person, or a congratulatory
note, if desired, can be made to serve instead of a call; excepting
upon the newly married. Calls in person are due to them, and to the
parents who have invited you to the marriage. When there has been a
reception after the ceremony, which you have been unable to attend, but
have sent cards by some member of your family, your cards need not again
represent you until they have been returned, with the new residence
announced; but a call is due to the parents or relatives who have given
the reception. When no wedding cards are sent you, nor the card of the
bridegroom, you cannot call without being considered intrusive. One
month after the birth of a child the call of congratulation is made by
acquaintances.


LEAVE CARDS IN MAKING FIRST CALL.

In making the first calls of the season (in the autumn) both ladies and
gentlemen should leave a card each, at every house called upon, even if
the ladies are receiving. The reason of this is that where a lady is
receiving morning calls, it would be too great a tax upon her memory to
oblige her to keep in mind what calls she has to return or which of them
have been returned, and in making out lists for inviting informally, it
is often the card-stand which is first searched for bachelors' cards, to
meet the emergency. Young men should be careful to write their street
and number on their cards.


LEAVE CARDS AFTER AN INVITATION.

After an invitation, cards must be left upon those who have sent it,
whether it is accepted or not. They must be left in person, and if it
is desired to end the acquaintance the cards can be left without
inquiring whether the ladies are at home.

Gentlemen should not expect to receive invitations from ladies with whom
they are only on terms of formal visiting, until the yearly or autumnal
call has been made, or until their cards have been left to represent
themselves.


CARDS IN MEMORIAM.

These are a loving tribute to the memory of the departed; an English
custom rapidly gaining favor with us; it announces to friends the death,
of which they might remain in ignorance but for this mark of respect:

 [Illustration:
                       George A. Custer

                Lieutenant-Colonel Seventh Cavalry,
              Brevet Major-General United States Army,
                     Born December 5th, 1839,
                      Harrison County, Ohio,
              Killed, with his entire Command, in the
                    Battle of Little Big Horn,
                       June 25th, 1876.

             *       *       *       *       *

          Oh, Custer--Gallant Custer! man fore-doomed
          Go ride, like Rupert, spurred and waving-plumed,
                 Into the very jaws of death.]


CARDS OF CONDOLENCE.

Cards of condolence left by mere acquaintances must be returned by
"mourning cards" before such persons feel at liberty to make a call.
When the bereaved are ready to receive calls (instead of the cards) of
their acquaintances, "mourning cards" in envelopes, or otherwise, are
returned to all those who have left their cards since the death, which
was the occasion of the cards being left. Intimate friends, of course,
do not wait for cards, but continue their calls, without regard to any
ceremonious observances made for the protection of the bereaved.
Acquaintances leaving cards should inquire after the health of the
family, leaving the cards in person.


MOURNING CARDS.

On announcement of a death it is correct to call in person at the door;
to make inquiries and leave your card, with lower left hand corner
turned down. Unless close intimacy exists, it is not usage to ask to see
the afflicted. Cards can be sent to express sympathy, but notes of
condolence are permissible only from intimate friends.


A BRIDEGROOM'S CARD.

When only the family and the most intimate friends of a bride and
bridegroom have been included in the invitation for the marriage, or
where there has been no reception after the marriage at church, the
bridegroom often sends his bachelor card (inclosed in an envelope) to
those of his acquaintances with whom he wishes to continue on visiting
terms. Those who receive a card should call on the bride, within ten
days after she has taken possession of her home. Some persons have
received such a card as an intimation that the card was to end the
acquaintance. This mistake shows the necessity of a better understanding
of social customs.

 [Illustration]




CHAPTER VIII.

Conversation.


The character of a person is revealed by his conversation as much as by
any one quality he possesses, for strive as he may he cannot always be
acting.


IMPORTANCE OF CONVERSING WELL.

To be able to converse well is an attainment which should be cultivated
by every intelligent man and woman. It is better to be a good talker
than a good singer or musician, because the former is more widely
appreciated, and the company of a person who is able to talk well on a
great variety of subjects, is much sought after. The importance,
therefore, of cultivating the art of conversation, cannot easily be
over-estimated. It should be the aim of all intelligent persons to
acquire the habit of talking sensibly and with facility upon all topics
of general interest to society, so that they may both interest others
and be themselves interested, in whatever company they may chance to be
thrown.


TRAINING CHILDREN.

The training for this should be commenced in early childhood. Parents
should not only encourage their children to express themselves freely
upon everything that attracts their attention and interests them, but
they should also incite their faculties of perception, memory and close
observation, by requiring them to recount everything, even to its
minutest details, that they may have observed in walking to and from
school, or in taking a ride in a carriage or in the cars. By training a
child to a close observation of everything he meets or passes, his mind
becomes very active, and the habit having once been acquired, he becomes
interested in a great variety of objects; sees more and enjoys more than
one who has not been so trained.


CULTIVATING THE MEMORY.

A good memory is an invaluable aid in acquiring the art of conversation,
and the cultivation and training of this faculty is a matter of
importance. Early youth is the proper time to begin this training, and
parents and teachers should give special attention to the cultivation of
memory. When children are taken to church, or to hear a lecture, they
should be required to relate or to write down from memory, such a digest
of the sermon or lecture as they can remember. Adults may also adopt
this plan for cultivating the memory, and they will be surprised to find
how continued practice in this will improve this faculty. The practice
of taking notes impairs rather than aids the memory, for then a person
relies almost entirely in the notes taken, and does not tax the memory
sufficiently. A person should also train himself to remember the names
of persons whom he becomes acquainted with, so as to recall them
whenever or wherever he may subsequently meet them. It is related of a
large wholesale boot and shoe merchant of an eastern city, that he was
called upon one day by one of his best customers, residing in a distant
city, whom he had frequently met, but whose name, at the time, he could
not recall, and received his order for a large bill of goods. As he was
about to leave, the merchant asked his name, when the customer
indignantly replied that he supposed he was known by a man from whom he
had purchased goods for many years, and countermanding his order, he
left the store, deaf to all attempts at explanation. Though this may be
an extreme case, it illustrates the importance of remembering the names
of people when circumstances require it.


HENRY CLAY'S MEMORY OF NAMES.

One secret of Henry Clay's popularity as a politician was his faculty of
remembering the names of persons he had met. It is said of him that if
he was once introduced to a person, he was ever afterwards able to call
him by name, and recount the circumstances of their first meeting. This
faculty he cultivated after he entered upon the practice of law in
Kentucky, and soon after he began his political life. At that time his
memory for names was very poor, and he resolved to improve it. He
adopted the practice, just before retiring at night, of recalling the
names of all the persons he had met during the day, writing them in a
note book, and repeating over the list the next morning. By this
practice, he acquired in time, his wonderful faculty in remembering the
names of persons he had become acquainted with.


WRITING AS AN AID TO CORRECT TALKING.

To converse correctly--to use correct language in conversation--is also
a matter of importance, and while this can be acquired by a strict
attention to grammatical rules, it can be greatly facilitated by the
habit of writing down one's thoughts. In writing, strict regard is, or
should be, paid to the correct use of language, and when a person, from
constant writing, acquires the habit of using correct language, this
habit will follow him in talking. A person who is accustomed to much
writing, will always be found to use language correctly in speaking.


REQUISITES FOR A GOOD TALKER.

To be a good talker then, one should be possessed of much general
information, acquired by keen observation, attentive listening, a good
memory, extensive reading and study, logical habits of thought, and have
a correct knowledge of the use of language. He should also aim at a
clear intonation, well chosen phraseology and correct accent. These
acquirements are within the reach of every person of ordinary ability,
who has a determination to possess them, and the energy and perseverance
to carry out that determination.


VULGARISMS.

In conversation, one must scrupulously guard against vulgarisms.
Simplicity and terseness of language are the characteristics of a well
educated and highly cultivated person. It is the uneducated or those who
are but half educated, who use long words and high-sounding phrases. A
hyperbolical way of speaking is mere flippancy, and should be avoided.
Such phrases as "awfully pretty," "immensely jolly," "abominably
stupid," "disgustingly mean," are of this nature, and should be avoided.
Awkwardness of attitude is equally as bad as awkwardness of speech.
Lolling, gesticulating, fidgeting, handling an eye-glass or watch chain
and the like, give an air of _gaucherie_, and take off a certain
percentage from the respect of others.


LISTENING.

The habit of listening with interest and attention is one which should
be specially cultivated. Even if the talker is prosy and prolix, the
well-bred person will appear interested, and at appropriate intervals
make such remarks as shall show that he has heard and understood all
that has been said. Some superficial people are apt to style this
hypocrisy; but if it is, it is certainly a commendable hypocrisy,
directly founded on that strict rule of good manners which commands us
to show the same courtesy to others that we hope to receive ourselves.
We are commanded to check our impulses, conceal our dislikes, and even
modify our likings whenever or wherever these are liable to give
offense or pain to others. The person who turns away with manifest
displeasure, disgust or want of interest when another is addressing him,
is guilty not only of an ill-bred, but a cruel act.


FLIPPANCY.

In conversation all provincialism, affectations of foreign accents,
mannerisms, exaggerations and slang are detestable. Equally to be
avoided are inaccuracies of expression, hesitation, an undue use of
foreign words, and anything approaching to flippancy, coarseness,
triviality or provocation. Gentlemen sometimes address ladies in a very
flippant manner, which the latter are obliged to pass over without
notice, for various reasons, while inwardly they rebel. Many a worthy
man has done himself an irreparable injury by thus creating a lasting
prejudice in the minds of those whom he might have made his friends, had
he addressed them as though he considered them rational beings, capable
of sustaining their part in a conversation upon sensible subjects.
Flippancy is as much an evidence of ill-breeding as is the perpetual
smile, the wandering eye, the vacant stare, and the half-opened mouth of
the man who is preparing to break in upon the conversation.


BE SYMPATHETIC AND ANIMATED.

Do not go into society unless you make up your mind to be sympathetic,
unselfish, animating, as well as animated. Society does not require
mirth, but it does demand cheerfulness and unselfishness, and you must
help to make and sustain cheerful conversation. The manner of
conversation is as important as the matter.


COMPLIMENTS.

Compliments are said by some to be inadmissible. But between equals, or
from those of superior position to those of inferior station,
compliments should be not only acceptable but gratifying. It is pleasant
to know that our friends think well of us, and it is always agreeable to
know that we are thought well of by those who hold higher positions,
such as men of superior talent, or women of superior culture.
Compliments which are not sincere, are only flattery and should be
avoided; but the saying of kind things, which is natural to the kind
heart, and which confers pleasure, should be cultivated, at least not
suppressed. Those parents who strive most for the best mode of training
their children are said to have found that it is never wise to censure
them for a fault, without preparing the way by some judicious mention of
their good qualities.


SLANG.

All slang is vulgar. It lowers the tone of society and the standard of
thought. It is a great mistake to suppose that slang is in any manner
witty. Only the very young or the uncultivated so consider it.


FLATTERY.

Do not be guilty of flattery. The flattery of those richer than
ourselves or better born is vulgar, and born of rudeness, and is sure
to be received as emanating from unworthy motives. Testify your respect,
your admiration, and your gratitude by deeds more than words. Words are
easy but deeds are difficult. Few will believe the former, but the
latter will carry confirmation with them.


SCANDAL AND GOSSIP.

Scandal is the least excusable of all conversational vulgarities. Envy
prompts the tongue of the slanderer. Jealousy is the disturber of the
harmony of all interests. A writer on this subject says: "Gossip is a
troublesome sort of insect that only buzzes about your ears and never
bites deep; slander is the beast of prey that leaps upon you from its
den and tears you in pieces. Slander is the proper object of rage;
gossip of contempt." Those who best understand the nature of gossip and
slander, if the victims of both, will take no notice of the former, but
will allow no slander of themselves to go unrefuted during their
lifetime, to spring up in a hydra-headed attack upon their children. No
woman can be too sensitive as to any charges affecting her moral
character, whether in the influence of her companionship, or in the
influence of her writings.


RELIGION AND POLITICS.

Religion and politics are topics that should never be introduced into
general conversation, for they are subjects dangerous to harmony.
Persons are most likely to differ, and least likely to preserve their
tempers on these topics. Long arguments in general company, however
entertaining to the disputants, are very tiresome to the hearers.


SATIRE AND RIDICULE.

Young persons appear ridiculous when satirizing or ridiculing books,
people or things. Opinions to be worth the consideration of others
should have the advantage of coming from mature persons. Cultivated
people are not in the habit of resorting to such weapons as satire and
ridicule. They find too much to correct in themselves to indulge in
coarse censure of the conduct of others, who may not have had advantages
equal to their own.


TITLES.

In addressing persons with titles always add the name; as "what do you
think of it, Doctor Hayes?" not "what do you think of it, Doctor?" In
speaking of foreigners the reverse of the English rule is observed. No
matter what the title of a Frenchman is, he is always addressed as
_Monsieur_, and you never omit the word _Madame_, whether addressing a
duchess or a dressmaker. The former is "_Madame la Duchesse_," the
latter plain "_Madame_." Always give a foreigner his title. If General
Sherman travels in Europe and is received by the best classes with the
dignity that his worth, culture and position as an American general
demand, he will never be called Mr. Sherman, but his title will
invariably precede his name. There are persons who fancy that the
omission of the title is annoying to the party who possesses it, but
this is not the ground taken why the title should be given, but because
it reveals either ignorance or ill-breeding on the part of those
omitting it.


CHRISTIAN NAMES.

There is a class of persons, who from ignorance of the customs of good
society, or from carelessness, speak of persons by their Christian
names, who are neither relations nor intimate friends. This is a
familiarity which, outside of the family circle, and beyond friends of
the closest intimacy, is never indulged in by the well-bred.


INTERRUPTION.

Interruption of the speech of others is a great sin against
good-breeding. It has been aptly said that if you interrupt a speaker in
the middle of a sentence, you act almost as rudely as if, when walking
with a companion, you were to thrust yourself before him and stop his
progress.


ADAPTABILITY IN CONVERSATION.

The great secret of talking well is to adapt your conversation, as
skillfully as may be, to your company. Some men make a point of talking
commonplace to all ladies alike, as if a woman could only be a trifler.
Others, on the contrary, seem to forget in what respects the education
of a lady differs from that of a gentleman, and commit the opposite
error of conversing on topics with which ladies are seldom acquainted,
and in which few, if any, are ever interested. A woman of sense has as
much right to be annoyed by the one, as a woman of ordinary education by
the other. If you really wish to be thought agreeable, sensible,
amiable, unselfish and even well-informed, you should lead the way, in
_tete-a-tete_ conversations, for sportsmen to talk of their shooting, a
mother to talk of her children, a traveler of his journeys and the
countries he has visited, a young lady of her last ball and the
prospective ones, an artist of his picture and an author of his book. To
show any interest in the immediate concerns of people is very
complimentary, and when not in general society one is privileged to do
this. People take more interest in their own affairs than in anything
else you can name, and if you manifest an interest to hear, there are
but few who will not sustain conversation by a narration of their
affairs in some form or another. Thackeray says: "Be interested by other
people and by their affairs. It is because you yourself are selfish that
that other person's self does not interest you."


CORRECT USE OF WORDS.

The correct use of words is indispensable to a good talker who would
escape the unfavorable criticism of an educated listener. There are many
words and phrases, used in some cases by persons who have known better,
but who have become careless from association with others who make
constant use of them. "Because that" and "but that" should never be used
in connection, the word "that" being entirely superfluous. The word
"vocation" is often used for "avocation." "Unhealthy" food is spoken of
when it should be "unwholesome." "Had not ought to" is sometimes heard
for "ought not to;" "banister" for "baluster;" "handsful" and
"spoonsful" for "handfuls" and "spoonfuls;" "it was him" for "it was
he;" "it was me" for "it was I;" "whom do you think was there?" for "who
do you think was there?"; "a mutual friend" for "a common friend;" "like
I did" instead of "as I did;" "those sort of things" instead of "this
sort of things;" "laying down" for "lying down;" "setting on a chair"
for "sitting on a chair;" "try and make him" instead of "try to make
him;" "she looked charmingly" for "she looked charming;" "loan" for
"lend;" "to get along" instead of "to get on;" "cupalo" instead of
"cupola;" "who" for "whom"--as, "who did you see" for "whom did you
see;" double negatives, as, "he did not do neither of those things;"
"lesser" for "least;" "move" instead of "remove;" "off-set" instead of
"set-off," and many other words which are often carelessly used by those
who have been better taught, as well as by those who are ignorant of
their proper use.


SPEAKING ONE'S MIND.

Certain honest but unthinking people often commit the grievous mistake
of "speaking their mind" on all occasions and under all circumstances,
and oftentimes to the great mortification of their hearers. And
especially do they take credit to themselves for their courage, if their
freedom of speech ha