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Title: Paradoxes and Problemes Author: John Donne Editor: Geoffrey Keynes Release date: April 8, 2020 [eBook #61783] Language: English Credits: Produced by deaurider, David Wilson and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net (This file was produced from images generously made available by The Internet Archive) *** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PARADOXES AND PROBLEMES *** Produced by deaurider, David Wilson and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net (This file was produced from images generously made available by The Internet Archive) Transcriber’s Note This document uses the “long s” character ſ extensively, albeit at times inconsistently, so is best viewed with a font containing that symbol. PARADOXES _and_ PROBLEMES _by_ Iohn Donne _with two Characters and an Essay of_ VALOUR [Decoration] _Now for the first time reprinted from the editions of 1633 and 1652 with one additional =Probleme=_ SOHO _THE NONESUCH PRESS 30 Gerrard Street_ 1923 _This edition is limited to 645 copies, printed and made in England for the Nonesuch Press in the 17th century Fell types by Frederick Hall, printer to the University of Oxford. The type has been distributed. This is number 9_ [Decoration] The CONTENTS ❧ PARADOXES 1. _A Defence of Womens Inconſtancy:_ P. 1. 2. _That Women ought to paint:_ P. 6. 3. _That by Diſcord things increase:_ P. 9. 4. _That good is more common then evill:_ P. 12. 5. _That all things kill themſelves:_ P. 15. 6. _That it is poſſible to find ſome vertue in Some Women:_ P. 17. 7. _That Old men are more fantaſtike then Young:_ P. 19. 8. _That Nature is our worſt Guide:_ P. 21. 9. _That only Cowards dare dye:_ P. 24. 10. _That a Wiſe Man is knowne by much laughing:_ P. 26. 11. _That the gifts of the Body are better then thoſe of the Minde:_ P. 30. 12. _That Virginity is a Vertue:_ P. 34. ❧ PROBLEMES 1. _Why have Bastards beſt Fortune?_ P. 40. 2. _Why Puritanes make long Sermons?_ P. 42. 3. _Why did the Divel reſerve Jeſuites till theſe latter dayes:_ P. 43. 4. _Why is there more variety of Green then of other Colours?_ P. 44. 5. _Why doe young Lay-men ſo much ſtudy Divinity:_ P. 45. 6. _Why hath the common Opinion afforded Women Soules?_ P. 47. 7. _Why are the Faireſt, Falſeſt?_ P. 49. 8. _Why Venus-ſtar only doth caſt a ſhadow?_ P. 51. 9. _Why is Venus-ſtar multinominous, called both =Heſperus= and =Veſper=:_ P. 54. 10. _Why are New Officers leaſt oppreſſing?_ P. 56. 11. _Why does the Poxe ſo much affect to undermine the Noſe?_ P. 58. 12. _Why die none for Love now?_ P. 60. 13. _Why do Women delight much in Feathers?_ P. 61. 14. _Why doth not Gold ſoyl the fingers?_ P. 62. 15. _Why do great men of all dependents, chuſe to preſerve their little Pimps?_ P. 63. 16. _Why are Courtiers ſooner Atheiſts then men of other conditions?_ P. 64. 17. _Why are ſtateſmen moſt incredulous?_ P. 66. 18. _Why was Sir Walter Raleigh thought the fitteſt Man, to write the Hiſtorie of theſe Times?_ P. 68. ❧ CHARACTERS 1. _The Character of a =Scot= at the first ſight:_ P. 69. 2. _The true Character of a =Dunce=:_ P. 71. ❧ AN ESSAY OF VALOUR: P. 75. [Decoration] _BIBLIOGRAPHICAL NOTE_ Donne’s Paradoxes and Problemes are clever and entertaining trifles, which were probably written before 1600, during the more wanton period of their author’s life. Owing to their scurrilous nature they could not be published during his lifetime, but shortly after his death the greater part of them were licensed to be printed, the _Imprimatur_ printed at the end both of the eleven Paradoxes and of the ten Problemes being signed by Sir Henry Herbert and dated October 25, 1632. The volume was published under the title of _Juvenilia_ in 1633, but already on November 14, 1632, an order of inquiry had been delivered at the King’s command by the Bishop of London, calling upon Sir Henry Herbert to explain before the Board of the Star Chamber his reasons ‘why hee warrented the booke of D. Duns paradoxes to be printed’. Perhaps Herbert’s explanations were regarded as satisfactory, but, however this may have been, the King was not successful in suppressing the book. The volume is a thin quarto containing only thirty-two leaves, and was printed by Elizabeth Purslowe for Henry Seyle, to be sold at the sign of the Tyger’s Head in St. Paul’s Church-yard. The printer seems to have been somewhat careless in imposing the licences, for, although most copies contain the two, copies occur from which one or both have been omitted. It is not known through what channels the publisher obtained possession of the text, but it is probable that the publication was quite unauthorized, and took place even without the knowledge of the younger Donne, who, when he reprinted the _Juvenilia_ in 1652, made no reference to any previous issue. The _Juvenilia_ were at once in considerable demand, and seem to have been bought by many of the purchasers of the _Poems_, which were also first published in quarto in 1633. This is evident from the fact that the two books are so often found together in contemporary bindings, the lesser volume usually being relegated to the end. The first edition of the _Juvenilia_ was thus soon exhausted and a second edition was published in the same year. So ineffectual did the Star Chamber inquiry prove to have been that in this edition the publisher not only omitted the _Imprimaturs_ altogether and so abandoned all pretence of having any official sanction for the publication, but even added to the first Probleme, ‘Why have Bastards best Fortune?’, which was particularly offensive to the Court, twenty-three lines which had not appeared in the first edition. This edition, as before a quarto and with the same imprint, but containing only twenty-four leaves, is considerably rarer than its predecessor. It is unlikely, however, that this fact is to be attributed to the King’s having had any greater success than before in suppressing it. More probably the demand for it was less, so that part of the edition remained unsold and was subsequently destroyed. In 1652 the younger Donne, in the course of his exploitation of his father’s writings, prepared an authorized edition of the _Juvenilia_, which was printed by Thomas Newcomb for Humphrey Moseley. The number of the Paradoxes was now increased to twelve and of the Problemes to seventeen, the offensive passages in the first Probleme being allowed to remain. To these were added two ‘Characters’, ‘An Essay of Valour’, ‘A Sheaf of Miscellany Epigrams’, a reprint of _Ignatius his Conclave_, and, finally, the _Essays in Divinity_. The Epigrams purport to have been written by the elder Donne in Latin and to have been translated into English by Jasper Mayne, D.D. They may have been printed by the younger Donne in good faith, as it seems to be certain that his father’s _Epigrammata mea Latina_ once existed; but the epigrams attributed to him in this volume are, as Mr. Gosse has shown (_Life and Letters of Donne, i. 16_), certainly spurious, and may well have been composed, as well as translated, by Mayne, who was an unprincipled, though witty, divine. The _Essays in Divinity_ had been printed in 1651 for a different publisher, but they are very rarely found as a separate volume in a contemporary binding, for the younger Donne, as he made clear in his preface, sought to temper the secularity of the _Juvenilia_ by issuing them in company with the _Essays in Divinity_, and in this way to invest the volume with an altogether fictitious respectability. Even in 1652 the Paradoxes and Problemes were not printed entire. Another Probleme concerning Sir Walter Raleigh has been preserved in the Bodleian Library (Tanner MSS. 299, f. 32), the copier stating that it ‘was so bitter that his son, Jack Donne, LL.D., thought fit not to print it with the rest’. Yet another has recently been discovered in a manuscript containing Donne’s poems. The _Juvenilia_ have not been reprinted since 1652. In the present edition the text follows that of the second edition of 1633, amplified from the third edition of 1652 and with the additional Probleme from the Bodleian manuscript, already printed by Mr. Edmund Gosse in his _Life and Letters of Donne, 1899, ii. 52_. The spurious epigrams have not been included. GEOFFREY KEYNES [Decoration] PARADOXES 1. _A Defence of Womens Inconſtancy._ That Women are _Inconſtant_, I with any man confeſſe, but that _Inconſtancy_ is a bad quality, I againſt any man will maintaine: For every thing as it is one better than another, ſo is it fuller of _change_; The _Heavens_ themſelves continually turne, the _Starres_ move, the _Moone_ changeth; _Fire_ whirleth, _Ayre_ flyeth, _Water_ ebbs and flowes, the face of the _Earth_ altereth her lookes, _time_ ſtayes not; the Colour that is moſt light, will take moſt dyes: ſo in Men, they that have the moſt reaſon are the moſt alterable in their deſignes, and the darkeſt or moſt ignorant, do ſeldomeſt change; therefore Women changing more than Men, have alſo more _Reaſon_. They cannot be immutable like ſtockes, like ſtones, like the Earths dull Center; Gold that lyeth ſtill, ruſteth; Water, corrupteth; Aire that moveth not, poyſoneth; then why ſhould that which is the perfection of other things, be imputed to Women as greateſt imperfection? Becauſe thereby they deceive men. Are not your wits pleaſed with thoſe jeſts, which coozen your expectation? You can call it Pleaſure to be beguil’d in troubles, and in the moſt excellent toy in the world, you call it Treachery: I would you had your _Miſtreſſes_ ſo conſtant, that they would never change, no not ſo much as their _ſmocks_, then ſhould you ſee what ſluttiſh vertue, _Conſtancy_ were. _Inconſtancy_ is a moſt commendable and cleanely quality, and Women in this quality are farre more abſolute than the Heavens, than the Starres, Moone, or any thing beneath it; for long obſervation hath pickt certainety out of their mutability. The Learned are ſo well acquainted with the Starres, Signes and Planets, that they make them but Characters, to reade the meaning of the Heaven in his owne forehead. Every ſimple Fellow can beſpeake the change of the _Moone_ a great while beforehand: but I would faine have the learnedſt man ſo skilfull, as to tell when the ſimpleſt Woman meaneth to varie. Learning affords no rules to know, much leſſe knowledge to rule the minde of a Woman: For as _Philoſophy_ teacheth us, that _Light things doe alwayes tend upwards_, and _heavy things decline downeward_; Experience teacheth us otherwiſe, that the diſpoſition of a _Light_ Woman, is to fall downe, the nature of Women being contrary to all Art and Nature. Women are like _Flies_, which feed among us at our Table, or _Fleas_ ſucking our very blood, who leave not our moſt retired places free from their familiarity, yet for all their fellowſhip will they never bee tamed nor commanded by us. Women are like the _Sunne_, which is violently carryed one way, yet hath a proper courſe contrary: ſo though they, by the maſtery of ſome over-ruling churliſh Husbands, are forced to his Byas, yet have they a motion of their owne, which their Husbands never know of. It is the nature of nice and faſtidious mindes to know things onely to bee weary of them: Women by their ſlye _changeableneſſe_, and pleaſing doubleneſſe, prevent even the miſlike of thoſe, for they can never be ſo well knowne, but that there is ſtill more unknowne. Every Woman is a _Science_; for hee that plods upon a Woman all his life long, ſhall at length find himſelfe ſhort of the knowledge of her: they are borne to take downe the pride of wit, and ambition of wiſedome, making _fooles_ wiſe in the adventuring to winne them, _wiſemen_ fooles in conceit of loſing their labours; witty men ſtarke mad, being confounded with their uncertaineties. _Philoſophers_ write againſt them for ſpight, not deſert, that having attained to ſome knowledge in all other things, in them onely they know nothing, but are meerely ignorant: _Active_ and _Experienced_ men raile againſt them, becauſe they love in their liveleſſe and decrepit age, when all goodneſſe leaves them. Theſe envious _Libellers_ ballad againſt them, becauſe having nothing in themſelves able to deſerve their love, they maliciouſly diſcommend all they cannot obtaine, thinking to make men beleeve they know much, becauſe they are able to diſpraiſe much, and rage againſt _Inconſtancy_, when they were never admitted into ſo much favour as to be forſaken. In mine Opinion ſuch men are happy that Women are _Inconſtant_, for ſo may they chance to bee beloved of ſome excellent Women (when it comes to their turne) out of their _Inconſtancy_ and mutability, though not out of their owne deſert. And what reaſon is there to clog any Woman with one Man, bee hee never ſo ſingular? Women had rather, and it is farre better and more Iudiciall to enjoy all the vertues in ſeverall Men, than but ſome of them in one, for otherwiſe they loſe their taſte, like divers ſorts of meat minced together in one diſh: and to have all excellencies in one Man (if it were poſſible) is _Confuſion_ and _Diverſity_. Now who can deny, but ſuch as are obſtinately bent to undervalue their worth, are thoſe that have not ſoule enough to comprehend their excellency, Women being the moſt excellenteſt Creatures, in that Man is able to ſubject all things elſe, and to grow wiſe in every thing, but ſtill perſiſts a foole in Woman? The greateſt _Scholler_, if hee once take a Wife, is found ſo unlearned, that he muſt begin his _Horne-booke_, and all is by _Inconſtancy_. To conclude therefore; this name of _Inconſtancy_, which hath ſo much beene poyſoned with ſlaunders, ought to bee changed into _variety_, for the which the world is ſo delightfull, _and a Woman for that the moſt delightfull thing in this world_. [Decoration] 2. _That Women ought to paint._ _Fouleneſſe_ is _Lothſome_: can that be ſo which helpes it? who forbids his Beloved to gird in her waſte? to mend by ſhooing her uneven lameneſſe? to burniſh her teeth? or to perfume her breath? yet that the _Face_ bee more preciſely regarded, it concernes more: For as open confeſſing ſinners are alwaies puniſhed, but the wary and concealing offenders without witneſſe doe it alſo without puniſhment; ſo the ſecret parts needs the leſſe reſpect; but of the _Face_, diſcovered to all Examinations and ſurvayes, there is not too nice a Iealouſie. Nor doth it onely draw the buſie eyes, but it is ſubject to the divineſt touch of all, to _kiſſing_, the ſtrange and myſticall union of ſoules. If ſhee ſhould proſtitute her ſelfe to a more unworthy Man than thy ſelfe, how earneſtly and juſtly wouldſt thou exclaime? that for want of this eaſier and ready way of repairing, to betray her body to ruine and deformity (the tyrannous _Raviſhers_, and ſodaine _Deflourers_ of all Women) what a heynous Adultery is it? What thou loveſt in her _face_ is _colour_, and _painting_ gives that, but thou hateſt it, not becauſe it is, but becauſe thou knoweſt it. Foole, whom ignorance makes happy; the Starres, the Sunne, the Skye whom thou admireſt, alas, have no _colour_, but are faire, becauſe they ſeeme to bee coloured: If this ſeeming will not ſatisfie thee in her, thou haſt good aſſurance of her _colour_, when thou ſeeſt her _lay_ it on. If her _face_ bee _painted_ on a Boord or Wall, thou wilt love it, and the Boord, and the Wall: Canſt thou loath it then when it ſpeakes, ſmiles, and kiſſes, becauſe it is _painted_? Are wee not more delighted with ſeeing Birds, Fruites, and Beaſts _painted_ then wee are with Naturalls? And doe wee not with pleaſure behold the _painted_ ſhape of Monſters and Divels, whom true, wee durſt not regard? Wee repaire the ruines of our houſes, but firſt cold tempeſts warnes us of it, and bytes us through it; wee mend the wracke and ſtaines of our Apparell, but firſt our eyes, and other bodies are offended; but by this providence of Women, this is prevented. If in _kiſſing_ or _breathing_ upon her, the _painting_ fall off, thou art angry, wilt thou be ſo, if it ſticke on? Thou didſt love her, if thou beginneſt to hate her, then ’tis becauſe ſhee is not _painted_. If thou wilt ſay now, thou didſt hate her before, thou didſt hate her and love her together, bee conſtant in ſomething, and love her who ſhewes her great _love_ to thee, in taking this paines to ſeeme _lovely_ to thee. [Decoration] 3. _That by Diſcord things increaſe._ _Nullos eſſe Deos, inane Cœlum Affirmat Cœlius, probatq; quod ſe Factum vidit, dum negat hæc, beatum._ So I aſſevere this the more boldly, becauſe while I maintaine it, and feele the _Contrary repugnancies_ and _adverſe fightings_ of the _Elements_ in my Body, my Body increaſeth; and whilſt I differ from common opinions by this _Diſcord_, the number of my _Paradoxes_ increaſeth. All the rich benefits we can frame to our ſelves in _Concord_, is but an _Even_ conſervation of things; in which _Evenneſſe_ wee can expect no _change_, no _motion_; therefore no _increaſe_ or _augmentation_, which is a _member of motion_. And if this _unity_ and _peace_ can give _increaſe_ to things, how mightily is _diſcord_ and _war_ to that purpoſe, which are indeed the onely ordinary _Parents_ of _peace_. _Diſcord_ is never ſo barren that it affords no fruit; for the _fall_ of one _eſtate_ is at the worſt the _increaſer_ of another, becauſe it is as impoſſible to finde a _diſcommodity_ without _advantage_, as to finde _Corruption_ without _Generation_: But it is the _Nature_ and _Office_ of _Concord_ to _preſerve_ onely, which property when it leaves, it differs from it ſelfe, which is the greateſt _diſcord_ of all. All _Victories_ and _Emperies_ gained by _warre_, and all _Iudiciall_ decidings of doubts in _peace_, I doe claime children of _Diſcord_. And who can deny but _Controverſies_ in _Religion_ are growne greater by _diſcord_, and not the _Controverſie_, but _Religion_ it ſelfe: For in a _troubled miſery_ Men are alwaies more _Religious_ then in a _ſecure peace_. The number of _good_ men, the onely charitable nouriſhers of _Concord_, wee ſee is thinne, and daily melts and waines; but of _bad diſcording_ it is infinite, and growes hourely. Wee are aſcertained of all _Diſputable_ doubts, onely by _arguing_ and differing in _Opinion_, and if formall _diſputation_ (which is but a painted, counterfeit, and diſſembled _diſcord_) can worke us this benefit, what ſhall not a full and maine _diſcord_ accompliſh? Truely me thinkes I owe a _devotion_, yea a _ſacrifice_ to _diſcord_, for caſting that _Ball_ upon _Ida_, and for all that buſineſſe of _Troy_, whom ruin’d I admire more then _Babylon_, _Rome_, or _Quinzay_, removed _Corners_, not onely fulfilled with her _fame_, but with _Cities_ and _Thrones_ planted by her _Fugitives_. Laſtly, between _Cowardice_ and _deſpaire_, _Valour_ is gendred; and ſo the _Diſcord_ of _Extreames_ begets all vertues, but of the _like things_ there is no iſſue without a miracle: _Vxor peſſima, peſſimus maritus Miror tam malè convenire._ Hee wonders that betweene two ſo _like_, there could be any _diſcord_, yet perchance for all this _diſcord_ there was nere the leſſe _increaſe_. [Decoration] 4. _That good is more common then evill._ I have not been ſo pittifully tired with any _vanity_, as with ſilly _Old Mens_ exclaiming againſt theſe times, and extolling their owne: Alas! they betray themſelves, for if the _times_ be _changed_, their manners have changed them. But their ſenſes are to _pleaſures_, as _ſick Mens_ taſtes are to _Liquors_; for indeed no _new thing_ is done in the _world_, all things are what, and as they were, and _Good_ is as ever it was, more plenteous, and muſt of neceſſity be _more common then evill_, becauſe it hath this for _nature_ and _perfection_ to bee _common_. It makes _Love_ to all _Natures_, all, all affect it. So that in the _Worlds_ early _Infancy_, there was a time when nothing was _evill_, but if this _World_ ſhall ſuffer _dotage_ in the extreameſt _crookedneſſe_ thereof, there ſhall be no time when nothing ſhal be _good_. It dares appeare and ſpread, and gliſter in the _World_, but _evill_ buries it ſelfe in night and darkneſſe, and is chaſtiſed and ſuppreſſed when _good_ is cheriſhed and rewarded. And as _Imbroderers_, _Lapidaries_, and other _Artiſans_, can by all things adorne their workes; for by adding better things, the better they ſhew in _Luſh_ and in _Eminency_; ſo _good_ doth not onely proſtrate her _amiableneſſe_ to all, but refuſes no end, no not of her utter contrary _evill_, that ſhee may bee the more _common_ to us. For _euill manners_ are _parents_ of _good Lawes_; and in every _evill_ there is an _excellency_, which (in common ſpeech) we call _good_. For the faſhions of _habits_, for our moving in _geſtures_, for phraſes in our _ſpeech_, we ſay they were _good_ as long as they were uſed, that is, as long as they were _common_; and wee eate, wee walke, onely when it is, or ſeemes _good_ to doe ſo. All _faire_, all _profitable_, all _vertuous_, is _good_, and theſe three things I thinke embrace all things, but their utter _contraries_; of which alſo _faire_ may be _rich_ and _vertuous_; _poore_ may bee _vertuous_ and _faire_; _vitious_ may be _faire_ and _rich_; ſo that _good_ hath this good meanes to be _common_, that ſome ſubjects ſhe can poſſeſſe intirely; and in ſubjects poyſoned with _evill_, ſhe can humbly ſtoop to accompany the _evill_. And of _indifferent_ things many things are become perfectly good by being _common_, as _cuſtomes_ by uſe are made binding _Lawes_. But I remember nothing that is therefore _ill_, becauſe it is _common_, but _Women_, of whom alſo; _They that are moſt common, are the beſt of that Occupation they profeſſe_. [Decoration] 5. _That all things kill themſelves._ To affect, yea to effect their owne _death_ all _living_ things are importuned, not by _Nature_ only which perfects them, but by _Art_ and _Education_, which perfects her. _Plants_ quickened and inhabited by the moſt unworthy _ſoule_, which therefore neither _will_ nor _worke_, affect an _end_, a _perfection_, a _death_; this they ſpend their _ſpirits_ to attaine, this attained, they languiſh and wither. And by how much more they are by mans _Induſtry_ warmed, cheriſhed, and pampered; ſo much the more early they climbe to this _perfection_, this _death_. And if amongſt _Men_ not to _defend_ be to _kill_, what a hainous _ſelfe-murther_ is it, not to _defend it ſelfe_. This _defence_ becauſe _Beaſts_ neglect, they kill themſelves, becauſe they exceed us in _number_, _ſtrength_, and a _lawleſſe liberty_: yea, of _Horſes_ and other beaſts, they that inherit _moſt courage_ by being bred of _gallanteſt parents_, and by _Artificial nurſing_ are bettered, will runne to their owne _deaths_, neither ſollicited by _ſpurres_ which they need not, nor by _honour_ which they apprehend not. If then the _valiant_ kill himſelfe, who can excuſe the _coward_? Or how ſhall _Man_ bee free from this, ſince the _firſt Man_ taught us this, except we cannot kill our ſelves, becauſe he kill’d us all. Yet leſt ſomething ſhould repaire this _Common ruine_, we daily kill our _bodies_ with _ſurfeits_, and our mindes with _anguiſhes_. Of our _powers_, _remembring_ kils our _memory_; Of _Affections_, _Luſting_ our _luſt_; Of _vertues_, _Giving_ kils _liberality_. And if theſe kill themſelves, they do it in their beſt & ſupreme _perfection_: for after _perfection_ immediately follows _exceſſe_, which changeth the natures and the names, and makes them not the ſame things. If then the beſt things kill themſelves ſooneſt, (for no _affection_ endures, and all things labour to this _perfection_) all travell to their owne _death_, yea the frame of the whole _World_, if it were poſſible for _God_ to be _idle_, yet becauſe it _began_, muſt _dye_. Then in this _idleneſſe_ imagined in _God_, what could kill the _world_ but it ſelfe, ſince _out of it, nothing is_? [Decoration] 6. _That it is poſsible to find ſome vertue in ſome Women._ I am not of that ſeard _Impudence_ that I dare defend _Women_, or pronounce them good; yet we ſee _Phyſitians_ allow ſome _vertue_ in every _poyſon_. Alas! why ſhould we except _Women_? ſince certainely, they are good for _Phyſicke_ at leaſt, ſo as ſome _wine_ is good for a _feaver_. And though they be the _Occaſioners_ of many ſinnes, they are alſo the _Puniſhers_ and _Revengers_ of the ſame ſinnes: For I have ſeldome ſeene one which conſumes his _ſubſtance_ and _body_ upon them, eſcape _diſeaſes_, or _beggery_; and this is their _Iuſtice._ And if _ſuum cuiq; dare_, bee the fulfilling of all _Civill Iuſtice_, they are _moſt juſt_; for they deny that which is theirs to no man. _Tanquam non liceat nulla puella negat._ And who may doubt of great wiſdome in them, that doth but obſerve with how much labour and cunning our _Iuſticers_ and other _diſpenſers_ of the _Lawes_ ſtudy to imbrace them: and how zealouſly our _Preachers_ dehort men from them, onely by urging their _ſubtilties_, and _policies_, and _wiſedome_, which are in them? Or who can deny them a good meaſure of _Fortitude_, if hee conſider how _valiant men_ they have overthrowne, and being themſelves overthrowne, how much and how patiently they _beare_? And though they bee moſt _intemperate_, I care not, for I undertooke to furniſh them with _ſome vertue_, not with _all_. _Neceſſity_, which makes even bad things good, prevailes alſo for them, for wee muſt ſay of them, as of ſome ſharpe pinching _Lawes_; If men were free from _infirmities_, they were needleſſe. Theſe or none muſt ſerve for _reaſons_, and it is my great happineſſe that _Examples_ prove not _Rules_, for to confirme this _Opinion_, the World yeelds not _one Example._ [Decoration] 7. _That Old men are more fantaſtike then Young._ Who reads this _Paradox_ but thinks mee more _fantaſtike_ now, than I was yeſterday, when I did not think thus: And if one day make this ſenſible change in men, what will the burthen of many yeeres? To bee _fantaſtike_ in _young men_ is _conceiptfull diſtemperature_, and a _witty madneſſe_; but in _old men_, whoſe ſenſes are withered, it becomes _naturall_, therefore more full and perfect. For as when wee _ſleepe_ our _fancy_ is moſt ſtrong; ſo it is in _age_, which is a _ſlumber_ of the _deepe ſleepe of death_. They taxe us of _Inconſtancy_, which in themſelves _young_ they allowed; ſo that reprooving that which they did approove, their _Inconſtancy_ exceedeth ours, becauſe they have changed _once more_ then wee. Yea, they are more idlely buſied in _conceited apparell_ then wee; for we, when we are _melancholy_, weare _blacke_; when _luſty_, _greene_; when _forſaken_, _tawney_; pleaſing our owne _inward_ affections, leaving them to others indifferent; but they preſcribe _lawes_, and conſtraine the _Noble_, the _Scholer_, the _Merchant_, and all _Eſtates_ to a certaine _habit_. The _old men_ of our time have changed with patience their owne _bodies_, much of their _lawes_, much of their _languages_; yea their _Religion_, yet they accuſe us. To be _Amorous_ is proper and _naturall_ in a _young man_, but in an _old man_ most _fantaſtike_. And that _ridling humour_ of _Iealouſie_, which ſeekes and would not finde, which requires and repents his knowledge, is in them moſt common, yet moſt _fantaſtike_. Yea, that which falls never in _young men_, is in them moſt _fantaſtike_ and _naturall_, that is, _Covetouſneſſe_; even at their _journeyes end_ to make great proviſion. Is any _habit_ of _young men_ ſo _fantaſtike_, as in the hotteſt ſeaſons to be _double-gowned_ or _hooded_ like our _Elders_? Or ſeemes it ſo _ridiculous_ to weare long haire, as to weare _none_. Truely, as among the _Philoſophers_, the _Skeptike_, which _doubts all_, was more contentious, then either the _Dogmatike_ which _affirmes_, or _Academike_ which _denyes all_; ſo are theſe uncertaine _Elders_, which both cals them _fantaſtike_ which follow others _inventions_, and them alſo which are led by their owne humorous ſuggeſtion, more _fantaſtike_ then other. [Decoration] 8. _That Nature is our worſt Guide._ Shal ſhe be _guide_ to all _Creatures_, which is her ſelfe one? Or if ſhe alſo have a _guide_, ſhall any _Creature_ have a better guide then wee? The affections of _luſt_ and _anger_, yea even to _erre_ is _naturall_; ſhall we follow theſe? Can ſhee be a good _guide_ to us, which hath corrupted not us onely but her ſelfe? Was not the _firſt man_, by the deſire of _knowledge_, corrupted even in the _whiteſt integrity_ of _Nature_? And did not _Nature_ (if _Nature_ did any thing) infuſe into him this deſire of _knowledge_, and ſo this _corruption_ in him, into us? If by _Nature_ wee ſhall underſtand our _eſſence_, our _definition_, or _reaſon_, _nobleneſſe_, then this being alike common to all (the _Idiot_ and the _Wizard_ being equally _reaſonable_) why ſhould not all men having equally all one _nature_, follow one courſe? Or if we ſhall underſtand our _inclinations_; alas! how unable a guide is that which followes the _temperature_ of our ſlimie _bodies_? for we cannot ſay that we derive our _inclinations_, our _mindes_, or _ſoules_ from our _Parents_ by any way: to ſay that it is _all from all_, is _error_ in _reaſon_, for then with the firſt nothing remaines; or is a _part from all_, is _errour_ in _experience_, for then this _part_ equally imparted to many children, would like _Gavel-kind lands_, in few generations become nothing; or to ſay it by _communication_, is _errour_ in _Divinity_, for to communicate the _ability_ of communicating _whole eſſence_ with any but God, is utter _blaſphemy_. And if thou hit thy _Fathers nature_ and _inclination_, he alſo had his _Fathers_, and ſo climbing up, all comes of one man, and have one _nature_, all ſhall imbrace one courſe; but that cannot bee, therefore our _complexions_ and whole _bodies_, wee inherit from _Parents_; our _inclinations_ and minds follow that: For our minde is heavy in our _bodies afflictions_, and rejoyceth in our _bodies pleaſure_: how then ſhall this _nature_ governe us, that is governed by the worſt part of us? _Nature though oft chaſed away, it will returne_; ’tis true, but thoſe _good motions_ and _inſpirations_ which be our guides muſt bee _wooed_, _courted_, and _welcomed_, or elſe they abandon us. And that old _Axiome_, _nihil invita, &c._ muſt not be ſaid thou _ſhalt_, but thou _wilt_ doe nothing againſt _Nature_; ſo _unwilling_ he notes us to curbe our _naturall appetites_. Wee call our _baſtards_ alwayes our _naturall iſſue_, and we define a _Foole_ by nothing ſo ordinary, as by the name of _naturall_. And that poore knowledge whereby we conceive what _raine_ is, what _wind_, what _thunder_, wee call _Metaphyſicke, ſupernaturall_; ſuch _ſmall_ things, ſuch _no_ things doe we allow to our pliant _Natures_ apprehenſion. Laſtly, by following her, we loſe the pleaſant, and lawfull commodities of this life, for wee ſhall drinke water and eate rootes, and thoſe not ſweet and delicate, as now by Mans _art_ and _induſtry_ they are made: we ſhall loſe all the neceſſities of _ſocieties_, _lawes_, _arts_, and _ſciences_, which are all the workemanſhip of _Man_: yea we ſhall lack the laſt _beſt refuge_ of miſery, _death_; becauſe _no death is naturall_: for if yee will not dare to call all _death violent_ (though I ſee not why _ſickneſſes_ be not _violences_) yet _cauſes_ of all _deaths_ proceed of the _defect_ of that which _nature_ made perfect, and would preſerve, and therefore all againſt _nature_. [Decoration] 9. _That only Cowards dare dye._ _Extreames_ are equally removed from the _meane_; ſo that headlong _deſperateneſſe_ aſmuch offends true _valour_, as backward _Cowardice_: of which ſort I reckon juſtly all _un-inforced deaths_. When will your _valiant_ man dye of neceſſity? ſo _Cowards_ ſuffer what cannot be avoided: and to runne into _death unimportun’d_, is to runne into the firſt condemned deſperateneſſe. Will he dye when he is _rich_ and _happy_? then by living he may doe more good: and in _afflictions_ and _miſeries_, _death_ is the choſen refuge of _Cowards_. _Fortiter ille facit, qui miſer eſſe poteſt._ But it is taught and practiſed among our _Galants_, that rather than our reputations ſuffer any _maime_, or we any _miſery_, wee ſhall offer our _breſts_ to the _Cannons_ mouth, yea to our _ſwords_ points: And this ſeemes a very _brave_ and a very _climbing_ (which is a _Cowardly_, earthly, and indeed a very _groveling_) _ſpirit_. Why doe they _chaine_ theſe ſlaves to the _Gallyes_, but that they thruſt their _deaths_, and would at every looſe leape into the _ſea_? Why doe they take weapons from _condemned_ men, but to barre them of that eaſe which _Cowards_ affect, _a ſpeedy death_. Truely this _life_ is a _tempeſt_, and a _warfare_, and he which _dares dye_, to eſcape the _anguiſh_ of it, ſeems to mee, but ſo _valiant_, as hee which dares _hang_ himſelfe, leſt hee be _preſt_ to the _warres_. I have ſeene one in that extremity of _melancholy_, which was then become _madneſſe_, to make his owne _breath_ an _Inſtrument_ to ſtay his breath, and labour to choake himſelfe, but alas! he was _mad_. And we knew another that languiſhed under the _oppreſſion_ of a poore _diſgrace_ ſo much, that hee tooke more _paines to dye_, then would have ſerved to have nouriſhed _life_ and _ſpirit_ enough to have outlived his _diſgrace_. What _Foole_ will call this _Cowardlineſſe_, _Valour_? or this _Baſeneſſe_, _Humility_? And laſtly, of theſe men which dye the _Allegoricall death_ of entring into _Religion_, how few are found fit for any ſhew of _valiancy_? but onely a _ſoft_ and _ſupple metall_, made onely for _Cowardly_ ſolitarineſſe. [Decoration] 10. _That a Wiſe Man is knowne by much laughing._ _Ride, ſi ſapis, ô puella ride_; If thou beeſt _wiſe_, _laugh_: for ſince the _powers_ of _diſcourſe_, _reaſon_, and _laughter_, bee equally _proper_ unto Man onely, why ſhall not hee be onely moſt _wiſe_, which hath moſt uſe of _laughing_, aſwell as he which hath moſt of _reaſoning_ and _diſcourſing_? I alwaies did, and ſhall underſtand that _Adage_; _Per riſum multum poſſis cognoſcere ſtultum_, That by much _laughing_ thou maiſt know there is a _foole_, not, that the _laughers_ are _fooles_, but that among them there is ſome _foole_, at whome _wiſemen_ laugh: which moved _Eraſmus_ to put this as his firſt _Argument_ in the mouth of his _Folly_, that _ſhee made Beholders laugh_: for _fooles_ are the moſt laughed at, and laugh the leaſt themſelves of any. And _Nature_ ſaw this _faculty_ to bee ſo neceſſary in man, that ſhee hath beene content that by _more cauſes_ we ſhould be importuned to _laugh_, then to the _exerciſe_ of any other _power_; for things in themſelves utterly _contrary_, beget this effect; for wee laugh both at _witty_ and _abſurd_ things: At both which ſorts I have ſeen Men _laugh ſo long_, and _ſo earneſtly_, that at laſt they have _wept_ that they could laugh no more. And therfore the _Poet_ having deſcribed the quietneſſe of a _wiſe retired man_, ſaith in one, what we have ſaid before in many lines; _Quid facit Canius tuus? ridet_. We have received that even the _extremity_ of _laughing_, yea of _weeping_ alſo, hath beene accounted _wiſedome_: And that _Democritus_ and _Heraclitus_, the _lovers_ of theſe _Extremes_, have been called _lovers of wiſedome_. Now among our _wiſemen_ I doubt not, but many would be found who would laugh at _Heraclitus_ weeping, none which weepe at _Democritus_ laughing. At the hearing of _Comedies_ or other witty reports, I have noted ſome, which not underſtanding _jeſts_, &c. have yet choſen this as the beſt meanes to ſeeme _wiſe_ and _underſtanding_, to laugh when their _Companions laugh_; and I have preſumed them _ignorant_, whom I have ſeene _unmoved_. A _foole_ if he come into a _Princes Court_, and ſee a _gay_ man leaning at the wall, ſo _gliſtering_, and ſo _painted_ in many _colours_ that he is hardly diſcerned from one of the _pictures_ in the _Arras_, hanging his _body_ like an _Iron-bound-cheſt_, girt in and thicke ribb’d with _broad gold laces_, may (and commonly doth) envy him. But alas! ſhall a _wiſeman_, which may not onely not _envy_, but not _pitty_ this _monſter_, do nothing? Yes, let him _laugh_. And if one of theſe _hot cholerike firebrands_, which nouriſh themſelves by _quarrelling_, and kindling others, ſpit upon a _foole_ one _ſparke_ of _diſgrace_, he, like a _thatcht houſe_ quickly burning, may bee _angry_; but the _wiſeman_, as _cold_ as the _Salamander_, may not onely not be _angry_ with him, but not be _ſorry_ for him; therefore let him _laugh_: ſo he ſhall be knowne a Man, becauſe he can _laugh_, a _wiſe Man_ that hee knowes at _what_ to laugh, and a _valiant Man_ that he _dares_ laugh: for he that _laughs_ is juſtly reputed more _wiſe_, then at whom it is _laughed_. And hence I thinke proceeds that which in theſe later _formall_ times I have much noted; that now when our _ſuperſtitious civility_ of _manners_ is become a mutuall _tickling flattery_ of one another, almoſt every man affecteth an _humour_ of _jeſting_, and is content to be _deject_, and to _deforme_ himſelfe, yea become _foole_ to no other _end_ that I can ſpie, but to give his _wiſe Companion_ occaſion to _laugh_: and to ſhew themſelves in _promptneſſe_ of _laughing_ is ſo great in _wiſemen_, that I thinke all _wiſemen_, if any _wiſeman_ do reade this _Paradox_, will _laugh_ both at it and me. [Decoration] 11. _That the gifts of the Body are better then thoſe of the Minde._ I ſay againe, that the _body_ makes the _minde_, not that it created it a _minde_, but _formes_ it a _good_ or a _bad mind_; and this _minde_ may be confounded with _ſoule_ without any violence or injuſtice to _Reaſon_ or _Philoſophy_: then the _ſoule_ it ſeemes is enabled by our _body_, not this by it. My _Body_ licenſeth my _ſoule_ to _ſee_ the Worlds _beauties_ through mine _eyes_; to _heare_ pleaſant things through mine _eares_; and affords it apt _Organs_ for the conveiance of all perceivable _delight_. But alas! my _ſoule_ cannot make any _part_, that is not of it ſelfe diſpoſed, to _ſee_ or _heare_, though without doubt ſhe be as able and as willing to ſee _behind_ as _before_. Now if my _ſoule_ would ſay, that ſhee enables any part to taſte theſe pleaſures, but is her ſelfe onely delighted with thoſe rich _ſweetneſſes_ which her _inward eyes_ and _ſenſes_ apprehend, ſhee ſhould diſſemble; for I ſee her often ſolaced with _beauties_, which ſhee ſees through mine _eyes_, and with _muſicke_ which through mine _eares_ ſhe heares. This _perfection_ then my _body_ hath, that it can impart to my _minde_ all his _pleaſures_; and my _minde_ hath ſtill many, that ſhe can neither teach my _indiſpoſed_ part her _faculties_, nor to the beſt _eſpouſed_ parts ſhew it _beauty_ of _Angels_, of _Muſicke_, of _Spheres_, whereof ſhe boaſts the _contemplation_. Are _chaſtity_, _temperance_, and _fortitude_ gifts of the _mind_? I appeale to _Phyſitians_ whether the _cauſe_ of theſe be not in the _body_, _health_ is the gift of the _body_, and _patience_ in ſickeneſſe the gift of the _minde_: then who will ſay that _patience_ is as good a happineſſe, as _health_, when wee muſt be extremely _miſerable_ to purchaſe this _happineſſe_. And for nouriſhing of _civill ſocieties_ and _mutuall love_ amongſt men, which is our _chiefe end_ while wee are men; I ſay, this _beauty_, _preſence_, and _proportion_ of the _body_, hath a more _maſculine_ force in begetting this _love_, then the _vertues_ of the _minde_: for it ſtrikes us _ſuddenly_, and poſſeſſeth us _immoderately_; when to know thoſe _vertues_ requires ſome _Iudgement_ in him which ſhall diſcerne, a _long time_ and _converſation_ betweene them. And even at _laſt_ how much of our _faith_ and _beleefe_ ſhall we be driven to beſtow, to aſſure our ſelves that theſe _vertues_ are not _counterfeited_: for it is the ſame to _be_, and _ſeeme vertuous_, becauſe that he that hath _no vertue_, can _diſſemble_ none, but he which hath a _little_, may _gild_ and _enamell_, yea and transforme much _vice_ into _vertue_: For allow a man to be _diſcreet_ and _flexible_ to _complaints_, which are great _vertuous_ gifts of the _minde_, this _diſcretion_ will be to him the _ſoule_ & _Elixir_ of all _vertues_, ſo that touched with this, even _pride_ ſhal be made _humility_; and _Cowardice_, honourable and wiſe _valour_. But in things _ſeene_ there is not this danger, for the _body_ which thou loveſt and eſteemeſt _faire_, is _faire_; certainely if it bee not _faire_ in _perfection_, yet it is _faire_ in the ſame _degree_ that thy _Iudgement_ is good. And in a _faire body_, I doe ſeldome ſuſpect a _diſproportioned minde_, and as ſeldome hope for a _good_ in a _deformed_. When I ſee a _goodly houſe_, I aſſure my ſelfe of a _worthy poſſeſſour_, from a _ruinous weather-beaten building_ I turn away, becauſe it ſeems either ſtuffed with _varlets_ as a _Priſon_, or handled by an _unworthy_ and _negligent tenant_, that ſo ſuffers the _waſte_ thereof. And truely the gifts of _Fortune_, which are _riches_, are onely _handmaids_, yea _Pandars_ of the _bodies pleaſure_; with their ſervice we nouriſh _health_, and preſerve _dainty_, and wee buy _delights_; ſo that _vertue_ which muſt be loved for _it ſelfe_, and reſpects no further _end_, is indeed _nothing_: And _riches_, whoſe _end_ is the _good_ of the _body_, cannot be ſo _perfectly good_, as the _end_ whereto it levels. [Decoration] 12. _That Virginity is a Vertue._ I call not that _Virginity a vertue_, which reſideth only in the _Bodies integrity_; much leſſe if it be with a purpoſe of perpetuall keeping it: for then it is a moſt inhumane vice—But I call that _Virginity a vertue_ which is willing and deſirous to yeeld itſelfe upon honeſt and lawfull termes, when juſt reaſon requireth; and untill then, is kept with a modeſt chaſtity of Body and Mind. Some perchance will say that _Virginity_ is in us by _Nature_, and therefore no _vertue_. True, as it is in us by _Nature_, it is neither a _Vertue_ nor _Vice_, and is onely in the body: (as in Infants, Children, and such as are incapable of parting from it). But that _Virginity_ which is in Man or Woman of perfect age, is not in them by _Nature_: _Nature_ is the greateſt enemy to it, and with moſt ſubtile allurements ſeeks the over-throw of it, continually beating againſt it with her _Engines_, and giving ſuch forcible aſſaults to it, that it is a ſtrong and more then ordinary _vertue_ to hold out till marriage. _Ethick_ Philoſophy ſaith, _That no Vertue is corrupted, or is taken away by that which is good_: Hereupon ſome may ſay, that _Virginity_ is therefore no vertue, being taken away by marriage. _Virginity_ is no otherwiſe taken away by marriage, then is the light of the ſtarres by a greater light (the light of the Sun:) or as a leſſe Title is taken away by a greater: (an Eſquire by being created an Earle) yet _Virginity_ is a _vertue_, and hath her Throne in the middle: The extreams are, in _Exceſſe_; to violate it before marriage; in defect, not to marry. In ripe years as ſoon as reaſon perſwades, and opportunity admits, Theſe extreams are equally removed from the mean: The exceſſe proceeds from _Luſt_, the defect from _Peeviſhneſſe_, _Pride_ and _Stupidity_. There is an old Proverb, That, _they that dy maids, muſt lead Apes in Hell_. An Ape is a ridiculous and unprofitable Beaſt, whoſe fleſh is not good for meat, nor its back for burden, nor is it commodious to keep an houſe: and perchance for the unprofitableneſſe of this Beaſt did this proverb come up: For surely nothing is more unprofitable in the Commonwealth of _Nature_, then they that dy old maids, becauſe they refuſe to be uſed to that end for which they were only made. The Ape bringeth forth her young, for the moſt part by twins; that which ſhe loves beſt, ſhe killeth by preſſing it too hard: so fooliſh maids ſoothing themſelves with a falſe conceit of _vertue_, in fond obſtinacie, live and die maids; and ſo not only kill in themſelves the _vertue_ of _Virginity_, and of a Vertue make it a Vice, but they also accuſe their parents in condemning marriage. If this application hold not touch, yet there may be an excellent one gathered from an Apes tender love to Conies in keeping them from the Weaſel and Ferret. From this ſimilitude of an Ape & an old Maid did the aforeſaid proverb firſt ariſe. But alas, there are ſome old Maids that are _Virgins_ much againſt their wills, and fain would change their _Virgin-life_ for a _Married_: ſuch if they never have had any offer of fit Huſbands, are in ſome ſort excuſable, and their willingneſſe, their deſire to marry, and their forbearance from all diſhoneſt, and unlawful copulation, may be a kind of inclination to _vertue_, although not _Vertue_ it ſelfe. This _Virtue_ of _Virginity_ (though it be ſmall and fruitleſſe) it is an extraordinary, and no common _Vertue_. All other _Vertues_ lodge in the _Will_ (it is the _Will_ that makes them _vertues_.) But it is the unwillingneſſe to keep it, the deſire to forſake it, that makes this a _vertue_. As in the naturall generation and formation made of the ſeed in the womb of a woman, the body is joynted and organized about the 28 day, and so it begins to be no more an _Embrion_, but capable as a matter prepared to its form to receive the ſoule, which faileth not to inſinuate and inneſt it ſelfe into the body about the fortieth day; about the third month it hath motion and ſenſe: Even ſo _Virginity_ is an _Embrion_, an unfaſhioned lump, till it attain to a certain time, which is about twelve years of age in women, fourteen in men, and then it beginneth to have the ſoule of _Love_ infuſed into it, and to become a _vertue_: There is alſo a certain limited time when it ceaſeth to be a _vertue_, which in men is about fourty, in women about thirty years of age: yea, the loſſe of ſo much time makes their _Virginity_ a _Vice_, were not their endeavour wholly bent, and their deſires altogether fixt upon marriage: In Harveſt time do we not account it a great vice of ſloath and negligence in a Huſband-man, to overſlip a week or ten dayes after his fruits are fully ripe; May we not much more account it a more heynous vice, for a _Virgin_ to let her Fruit (_in potentia_) conſume and rot to nothing, and to let the _vertue_ of her _Virginity_ degenerate into _Vice_, (for _Virginity_ ever kept is ever loſt.) Avarice is the greateſt deadly ſin next Pride: it takes more pleaſure in hoording Treaſure then in making uſe of it, and will neither let the poſſeſſor nor others take benefit by it during the Miſers life; yet it remains intire, and when the Miſer dies muſt come to ſom body. _Virginity_ ever kept, is a vice far worſe then Avarice, it will neither let the poſſeſſor nor others take benefit by it, nor can it be bequeathed to any: with long keeping it decayes and withers, and becomes corrupt and nothing worth. Thus ſeeing that _Virginity_ becomes a vice in defect, by exceeding a limited time; I counſell all female _Virgins_ to make choyce of ſome _Paracelſian_ for their Phyſitian, to prevent the death of that _Vertue_: The _Paracelſians_ (curing like by like) ſay, That if the lives of living Creatures could be taken down, they would make us immortall. By this rule, female _Virgins_ by a diſcreet marriage ſhould ſwallow down into their _Virginity_ another _Virginity_, and devour ſuch a life & ſpirit into their womb, that it might make them as it were, immortall here on earth, beſides their perfect immortality in heaven: And that _Vertue_ which otherwiſe would putrifie and corrupt, ſhall then be compleat; and ſhall be recorded in Heaven, and enrolled here on Earth; and the name of _Virgin_ ſhall be exchanged for a far more honorable name, _A Wife_. [Decoration] PROBLEMES 1. _Why have Baſtards beſt Fortune?_ Becauſe _Fortune_ herſelfe is a _Whore_, but ſuch are not moſt indulgent to their _iſſue_; the old naturall reaſon (but thoſe meetings in _ſtolne love_ are moſt _vehement_, and ſo contribute more _ſpirit_ then the _eaſie_ and _lawfull_) might governe me, but that now I ſee _Miſtreſſes_ are become _domeſtike_ and _inordinary_, and they and wives _waite_ but by _turnes_, and _agree_ aſwell as they had _lived_ in the _Arke_. The old Morall reaſon (that _Baſtards_ inherit _wickedneſſe_ from their _Parents_, and ſo are in a better way to _preferment_ by having a _ſtocke_ before-hand, then thoſe that build all their _fortune_ upon the _poore_ and _weake_ ſtocke of _Originall ſinne_) might prevaile with me, but that ſince wee are fallen into ſuch times, as now the _world_ might _ſpare_ the _Divell_, because _ſhe_ could be bad enough without _him_. I ſee men _ſcorne_ to be _wicked_ by _example_, or to bee _beholding_ to others for their _damnation_. It ſeems reaſonable, that ſince _Lawes_ rob them of _ſucceſſion_ in _civill benefits_, they ſhould have ſomething elſe _equivalent_. As _Nature_ (which is _Lawes patterne_) having denyed Women _Conſtancy_ to _one_, hath provided them with _cunning_ to allure _many_; and ſo _Baſtards_ _de jure_ ſhould have better _wits_ and _experience_. But beſides that by _experience_ wee ſee many _fooles_ amongſt them, wee ſhould take from them one of their chiefeſt helpes to _preferment_, and we ſhould deny them to be _fools_, and (that which is onely left) that _Women_ chuſe _worthier_ men then their _husbands_, is falſe _de facto_; either then it muſt bee that the _Church_ having removed them from all place in the _publike Service_ of _God_, they have better meanes then others to be _wicked_, and ſo _fortunate_: Or elſe becauſe the two _greateſt powers_ in this _world_, the _Divell_ and _Princes_ concurre to their _greatneſſe_; the one giving _baſtardy_, the other _legitimation_: As _nature_ frames and conſerves great _bodies_ of _contraries_. Or the cauſe is, becauſe they abound moſt at _Court_, which is the _forge_ where _fortunes_ are made, or at leaſt the _ſhop_ where they be _ſold_. [Decoration] 2. _Why Puritanes make long Sermons?_ It needs not _perſpicuouſneſſe_, for God knowes they are plain enough: nor doe all of them uſe _Sem-briefe-Accents_ for ſome of them have _crotchets_ enough. It may bee they intend not to riſe like _glorious Tapers_ and _Torches_, but like _Thinne-wretched-ſicke-watching-Candles_, which _languiſh_ and are in a Divine _Conſumption_ from the firſt minute, yea in their _ſnuffe_, and _ſtink_ when others are in their more profitable _glory_. I have thought ſometimes, that out of _conſcience_, they allow _long meaſure_ to _courſe ware_. And ſometimes, that _uſurping_ in that place a _liberty_ to _ſpeak freely_ of _Kings_, they would _raigne_ as long as they could. But now I thinke they doe it out of a _zealous_ imagination, that, _It is their duty to preach on till their Auditory wake_. [Decoration] 3. _Why did the Divel reſerve Jeſuites till theſe latter dayes._ Did he know that our _Age_ would deny the _Devils poſſeſſing_, and therfore provided by theſe to _poſſeſſe_ men and kingdomes? Or to end the _diſputation_ of _Schoolemen_, why the _Divell_ could not make _lice_ in _Egypt_; and whether thoſe things hee _preſented_ there, might be _true_, hath he ſent us a _true_ and _reall plague_, worſe than thoſe _ten_? Or in _oſtentation_ of the _greatneſſe_ of his _Kingdome_, which even _diviſion_ cannot _ſhake_, doth he ſend us theſe which _diſagree_ with all the reſt? Or knowing that our _times_ ſhould diſcover the _Indies_, and aboliſh their _Idolatry_, doth he ſend theſe to give them _another_ for it? Or peradventure they have beene in the _Roman Church_ theſe _thouſand yeeres_, though we have called them by _other names_. [Decoration] 4. _Why is there more variety of Green then of other Colours?_ It is becauſe it is the figure of _Youth_ wherin _nature_ wuld provide as many _green_, as _youth_ hath _affections_; and ſo preſent a _Sea-green_ for _profuſe waſters_ in _voyages_; a _Graſſe-green_ for ſudden _new men enobled_ from _Graſiers_; and a _Gooſe-greene_ for ſuch _Polititians_ as pretend to preſerve the _Capitol_. Or elſe _Prophetically_ foreſeeing an _age_, wherein they ſhall all _hunt_. And for ſuch as _miſdemeane_ themſelves a _Willow-greene_; For _Magiſtrates_ muſt aſwell have _Faſces_ born before them to _chaſtize_ the _ſmall_ offences, as _Secures_ to _cut off_ the _great_. [Decoration] 5. _Why doe young Lay-men ſo much ſtudy Divinity._ Is it becauſe others tending buſily _Churches preferment_ neglect _ſtudy_? Or had the _Church_ of _Rome_ ſhut up all our wayes, till the _Lutherans_ broke downe their _uttermoſt ſtubborne doores_, and the _Calviniſts_ picked their _inwardeſt_ and _ſubtleſt lockes_? Surely the _Devill_ cannot be ſuch a _Foole_ to hope that he ſhall make this ſtudy _contemptible_, by making it _common_. Nor that as the _Dwellers_ by the River _Origus_ are ſaid (by drawing infinite _ditches_ to ſprinkle their _barren Country_) to have exhauſted and intercepted their _maine channell_, and ſo loſt their more profitable courſe to the _ſea_; ſo we, by providing every _ones ſelfe, divinity_ enough for his _own uſe_, ſhould neglect our _Teachers_ and _Fathers_. Hee cannot hope for better _hereſies_ then hee hath had, nor was his _Kingdome_ ever ſo much advanced by _debating Religion_ (though with ſome _aſperſions_ of _Error_) as by a _dull_ and _ſtupid ſecurity_, in which many _groſe things_ are ſwallowed. Poſſible out of ſuch an _ambition_ as we have now, to ſpeake _plainely_ and _fellow-like_ with _Lords_ and _Kings_, wee thinke alſo to acquaint our ſelves with _Gods ſecrets_: Or perchance when we ſtudy it by _mingling humane_ reſpects, _It is not Divinity_. [Decoration] 6. _Why hath the common Opinion afforded Women Soules?_ It is agreed that wee have not ſo much from them as any _part_ of either our _mortall ſoules_ of _ſenſe_, or _growth_, and we deny _ſoules_ to others equal to them in all but in _ſpeech_ for which they are beholding to their _bodily inſtruments_: For perchance an _Oxes_ heart, or a _Goates_, or a _Foxes_, or a _Serpents_ would ſpeake juſt ſo, if it were in the _breaſt_, and could move that _tongue_ and _jawes_. Have they ſo many _advantages_ and _meanes_ to hurt us (for, ever their _loving_ deſtroyed us) that we dare not _diſpleaſe_ them, but give them what they will? And ſo when ſome call them _Angels_, ſome _Goddeſſes_, and the _Palpulian Heretikes_ made them _Biſhops_, wee deſcend ſo much with the ſtreame, to allow them _ſoules_? Or doe we ſomewhat (in this dignifying of them) flatter _Princes_ and _great Perſonages_ that are ſo much governed by them? Or do we in that _eaſineſſe_ and _prodigality_, wherein we daily loſe our owne _ſoules_ to we care not whom, ſo labour to perſwade our ſelves, that ſith a _woman_ hath a _ſoule_, a _ſoule_ is no great matter? Or doe wee lend them _ſoules_ but for _uſe_, ſince they for our ſakes, give their _ſoules_ againe, and their _bodies_ to boote? Or perchance becauſe the _Deuill_ (who is all _ſoule_) doth moſt _miſchiefe_, and for _convenience_ and _proportion_, becauſe they would come neerer him, wee allow them ſome ſoules; and ſo as the _Romanes_ naturalized ſome _Provinces_ in revenge, and made them _Romans_, onely for the _burthen_ of the _Common-wealth_; ſo we have given _women_ ſoules onely to make them capable of _damnation_? [Decoration] 7. _Why are the Faireſt, Falſeſt?_ I meane not of falſe _Alchimy Beauty_, for then the _queſtion_ ſhould be inverted, _Why are the Falſeſt, Faireſt_? It is not onely becauſe they are _much ſolicited_ and _ſought_ for, ſo is _gold_, yet it is not ſo _common_; and this _ſuite_ to them, ſhould teach them their _value_, and make them more _reſerved_. Nor is it becauſe the _delicateſt blood_ hath the _beſt ſpirits_, for what is that to the fleſh? perchance ſuch _conſtitutions_ have the _beſt wits_, and there is no _proportionable ſubject_, for _Womens wit_, but deceipt? doth the _minde_ ſo follow the _temperature_ of the _body_, that becauſe thoſe _complexions_ are apteſt to change, the _mind_ is therefore ſo? Or as _Bells_ of the _pureſt metall_ retaine their _tinkling_ and _ſound_ largeſt; ſo the _memory_ of the laſt _pleaſure_ laſts longer in theſe, and diſpoſeth them to the next. But ſure it is not in the _complexion_, for thoſe that doe but thinke themſelves _faire_, are preſently inclined to this _multiplicity_ of _loves_, which being but _faire in conceipt_ are _falſe in deed_: and ſo perchance when they are _borne_ to this _beauty_, or have _made_ it, or have dream’d it, they eaſily believe all _addreſſes_ and _applications_ of every _man_, out of a _ſenſe_ of their own _worthineſſ_ to be directed to them, which others _leſſ worthy_ in their own thoughts apprehend not, or diſcredit. But I think the _true reaſon_ is, that being like _gold_ in many properties (as that _all ſnatch_ at them, but the _worſt poſſeſſ_ them, that they care not how deep we dig for them, and that by the Law of nature, _Occupandi conceditur_) they would be like alſo in this, that as Gold to make it ſelf of uſe admits allay, ſo they, that they may be tractable, mutable, and currant, have to allay _Falſhood_. [Decoration] 8. _Why Venus-ſtar only doth caſt a ſhadow?_ Is it becauſe it is nearer the earth? But they whoſe profeſſion it is to ſee that nothing be done in heaven without their conſent (as _Re_ — ſays in himſelf of _Aſtrologers_) have bid _Mercury_ to be nearer. Is it becauſe the works of _Venus_ want ſhadowing, covering and dignifying? But thoſe of _Mercury_ need it more; For Eloquence, his occupation, is all ſhadow and colours; let our life be a ſea, and then our reaſons and even paſſions are wide enough to carry us whether we ſhould go, but Eloquence is a ſtorm and tempeſt that miſcarries: and who doubts that Eloquence which muſt perſwade people to take a yoke of ſoveraignty (and then beg and make Laws to tye them faſter, and then give money to the invention, repair and ſtrengthen it) needs more ſhadows and coloring, then to perſwade any man or woman to that which is natural. And _Venus_ markets are ſo natural, that when we ſolicite the beſt way (which is by _marriage_) our perſwaſions work not ſo much to draw a woman to us, as againſt her nature to draw her from all other beſides. And ſo when we go againſt nature, and from _Venus-work_ (for marriage is chaſtitie) we need ſhadowes and colours, but not elſe. In _Seneca’s_ time, it was a courſe, an un-_Roman_ and a contemptible thing even in a _Matron_, not to have had a _Love_ beſide her huſband, which though the Law required not at their hands, yet they did it _zealouſly_ out of the Council of Cuſtom and faſhion, which was _venery_ of _ſupererrogation_: _Et te ſpectator pluſquam delectat Adulter_, saith _Martial_: And _Horace_, becauſe many lights would not ſhew him enough, created many _Images_ of the ſame Object by wainſcoting his chamber with looking-glaſſes: ſo that _Venus_ flies not light, as much as _Mercury_, who creeping into our underſtanding, our darkneſs would be defeated, if he were perceived. Then either this _ſhadow_ confeſſeth that ſame dark Melancholy Repentance which accompanies; or that ſo violent fires, needs ſome ſhadowy refreſhing and intermiſſion: Or elſe light ſignifying both day and youth, and ſhadow both night and age, ſhe pronounceth by this that ſhe profeſſeth both all perſons and times. [Decoration] 9. _Why is Venus-ſtar multinominous, called both =Heſperus= and =Veſper=._ The Moon hath as many names, but not as ſhe is a ſtar, but as ſhe hath divers governments; but _Venus_ is _multinominous_ to give example to her _proſtitute diſciples_, who ſo often, either to renew or refreſh themſelves towards lovers, or to diſguiſe themſelves from _Magiſtrates_, are to take new names. It may be ſhe takes new names after her many functions, for as ſhe is ſupream Monarch of all Suns at large (which is _luſt_) ſo is ſhe joyned in Commiſſion with all _Mythologicks_, with _Juno_, _Diana_, and all others for marriage. It may be becauſe of the divers names to her ſelf, for her affections have more names than any vice: _ſcilicet_, _Pollution_, _Fornication_, _Adultery_, _Lay-Inceſt_, _Church-Inceſt_, _Rape_, _Sodomy_, _Maſtupration_, _Maſturbation_, and a thouſand others. Perchance her divers names ſhewed her appliableneſs to divers men, for _Neptune_ diſtilled and wet her in love, the Sun warms and melts her, _Mercury_ perſwaded and ſwore her, _Jupiters_ authority ſecured, and _Vulcan_ hammer’d her. As _Heſperus_ ſhe preſents you with her _bonum utile_, becauſe it is wholeſomeſt in the morning: As _Veſper_ with her _bonum delectabile_, becauſe it is pleaſanteſt in the evening. And becauſe induſtrious men riſe and endure with the Sun in their civil buſineſſes, this Star caſts them up a little before, and remembers them again a little after for her buſineſs; for certainly, _Venit Heſperus, ite capellae_: was ſpoken to Lovers in the perſons of _Goats_. [Decoration] 10. _Why are New Officers leaſt oppreſſing?_ Muſt the old Proverbe, that _Old dogs bite ſorest_, be true in all kinde of _dogs_? Me thinkes the freſh _memory_ they have of the _mony_ they parted with for the _place_, ſhould haſten them for the _re-imburſing_: And perchance they doe but ſeeme eaſier to their _ſuiters_; who (as all other _Patients_) doe account all change of paine, eaſie. But if it bee ſo, it is either becauſe the ſodain _ſenſe_ & _contentment_ of the _honor_ of the _place_, retards and remits the rage of their _profits_, and ſo having ſtayed their _ſtomackes_, they can forbeare the ſecond _courſe_ a while: Or having overcome the _ſteepest_ part of the _hill_, and clambered above _Competitions_ and _Oppoſitions_ they dare loyter, and take breath: Perchance being come from _places_, where they taſted _no gaine_, a _little_ ſeems _much_ to them at firſt, for it is _long before a Christian conſcience overtakes, or straies into an Officers heart_. It may be that out of the _generall diſeaſe_ of all men not to love the _memory_ of a _predeceſſor_, they ſeeke to diſgrace them by ſuch _eaſineſſe_, and make good _firſt impreſſions_, that ſo having drawen much _water_ to their _Mill_, they may afterward _grind_ at eaſe: For if from the rules of good _Horſe-manſhip_, they thought it wholeſome to _jet_ out in a moderate _pace_, they ſhould alſo take up towards their _journeys_ end, not mend their pace continually, and _gallop_ to their _Innes-doore_, the _grave_; except perchance their _conſcience_ at that time ſo touch them, that they thinke it an _injury_ and _damage_ both to him that muſt _ſell_, and to him that muſt _buy_ the _Office_ after their _death_, and a kind of _dilapidation_ if they by continuing _honeſt_ ſhould diſcredit the _place_, and bring it to a _lower-rent_, or _under-value_. [Decoration] 11. _Why does the Poxe ſo much affect to undermine the Noſe?_ _Paracelſus_ perchance ſaith true, That every Diſeaſe hath his exaltation in ſome part certaine. But why this in the Noſe? Is there ſo much mercy in this diſeaſe, that it provides that one ſhould not ſmell his own ſtinck? Or hath it but the common fortune, that being begot and bred in obſcureſt and ſecreteſt places, becauſe therefore his ſerpentine crawling and inſinuation ſhould not be ſuſpected, nor ſeen, he comes ſooneſt into great place, and is more able to deſtroy the worthieſt member, then a diſeaſe better born? Perchance as mice defeat Elephants by knawing their _Proboſcis_, which is their Noſe, this wretched Indian Vermine practiſeth to doe the ſame upon us. Or as the ancient furious Cuſtome and Connivency of ſome Lawes, that one might cut off their Noſe whome he deprehended in Adulterie, was but a Tipe of this; And that now more charitable lawes having taken away all Revenge from particular hands, this common Magiſtrate and Executioner is come to do the ſame office inviſibly? Or by withdrawing this conſpicuous part, the Noſe, it warnes us from all adventuring upon that Coaſt; for it is as good a mark to take in a flag as to hang one out. Poſſibly heate, which is more potent and active then cold, thought her ſelfe injured, and the Harmony of the world out of tune, when cold was able to ſhew the high-way to Noses in _Muscovia_, except ſhe found the meanes to doe the ſame in other Countries. Or becauſe by the conſent of all, there is an Analogy, Proportion, and affection between the Noſe and that part where this diſeaſe is firſt contracted, and therefore _Heliogabalus_ choſe not his Minions in the Bath but by the Noſe: And _Albertus_ had a knaviſh meaning when he preferd great Noſes; And the licentious Poet was _Naſo Poeta_. I think this reaſon is neareſt truth, That the Noſe is moſt compaſſionate with this part: Except this be nearer, that it is reaſonable that this Diſeaſe in particular ſhould affect the moſt eminent and perſpicuous part, which in general doth affect to take hold of the moſt eminent and conſpicuous men. [Decoration] 12. _Why die none for Love now?_ Becauſe women are become eaſyer. Or becauſe theſe later times have provided mankind of more new means for the deſtroying of themſelves and one another, _Pox_, _Gunpowder_, _Young marriages_, and _Controverſies_ in _Religion_. Or is there in true Hiſtory no Precedent or Example of it? Or perchance ſome die ſo, but are not therefore worthy the remembring or ſpeaking of? [Decoration] 13. _Why do Women delight much in Feathers?_ They think that Feathers imitate wings, and ſo ſhew their reſtleſſneſs and inſtability. As they are in matter, ſo they would be in name, like _Embroiderers_, _Painters_, and ſuch _Artificers_ of curious _vanities_, which the vulgar call _Pluminaries_. Or elſe they have feathers for the ſame reaſon, which moves them to love the unworthieſt men, which is, that they may be thereby excuſable in their inconſtancy and often changing. [Decoration] 14. _Why doth not Gold ſoyl the fingers?_ Doth it direct all the venom to the heart? Or is it becauſe bribing ſhould not be diſcovered? Or becauſe that ſhould pay purely, for which pure things are given, as _Love_, _Honor_, _Justice_ and Heaven? Or doth it ſeldom come into innocent hands but into ſuch as for former foulneſs you cannot diſcern this? [Decoration] 15. _Why do great men of all dependants, chuſe to preſerve their little Pimps?_ It is not becauſe they are got neareſt their ſecrets, for they whom they bring come nearer. Nor commonly becauſe they and their bawds have lain in one belly, for then they ſhould love their brothers aſwel. Nor becauſe they are witneſſes of their weakneſs, for they are weak ones. Either it is becauſe they have a double hold and obligation upon their maſters for providing them ſurgery and remedy after, aſwel as pleaſure before, and bringing them always ſuch ſtuff, as they ſhal always need their ſervice? Or becauſe they may be received and entertained every where, and Lords fling off none but they ſuch as they may deſtroy by it. Or perchance we deceive our ſelves, and every Lord having many, and, of neceſſity, ſome riſing, we mark only theſe. [Decoration] 16. _Why are Courtiers ſooner Atheiſts then men of other conditions?_ Is it becauſe as _Phyſitians_ contemplating Nature, and finding many abſtruſe things ſubject to the ſearch of Reaſon, thinks therefore that all is ſo; so they (ſeeing mens deſtinies, mad at Court, neck out and in joynt there, _War_, _Peace_, _Life_ and _Death_ derived from thence) climb no higher? Or doth a familiarity with greatneſs, and daily converſation and acquaintance with it breed a contempt of all greatneſs? Or becauſe that they ſee that opinion or need of one another, and fear makes the degrees of ſervants, Lords and Kings, do they think that God likewiſe for ſuch Reaſon hath been mans Creator? Perchance it is becauſe they ſee Vice proſper beſt there, and, burthened with ſinne, doe they not, for their eaſe, endeavour to put off the feare and Knowledge of God, as facinorous men deny Magiſtracy? Or are the moſt Atheiſts in that place, becauſe it is the foole that ſaid in his heart, There is no God. [Decoration] 17. _Why are ſtateſmen moſt incredulous?_ Are they all wiſe enough to follow their excellent pattern _Tiberius_, who brought the ſenate to be diligent and induſtrious to believe him, were it never so oppoſite or diametricall, that it deſtroyed their very ends to be believed, as _Aſinius Gallus_ had almoſt deceived this man by believing him, and the Major and Aldermen of _London_ in _Richard_ the Third? Or are buſineſſes (about which theſe men are converſant) ſo conjecturall, ſo ſubject to unſuſpected interventions that they are therefore forc’d to ſpeak oraculouſly, whiſperingly, generally, and therefore eſcapingly, in the language of Almanack-makers for weather? Or are thoſe (as they call them) _Arcana imperii_, as by whom the Prince provokes his luſt, and by whom he vents it, of what Cloath his ſocks are, and ſuch, ſo deep, and ſo irreveald, as any error in them is inexcuſable? If theſe were the reaſons, they would not only ſerve for ſtate-buſineſs. But why will they not tell true, what a Clock it is, and what weather, but abſtain from truth of it, if it conduce not to their ends, as Witches will not name Jeſus, though it be in a curſe? eithere they know little out of their own Elements, or a Cuſtom in one matter begets an habite in all. Or the lower ſort imitate Lords, they their Princes, theſe their Prince. Or elſe they believe one another, and ſo never hear truth. Or they abſtain from the little Channel of truth, leaſt, at laſt, they ſhould _finde the fountain it ſelf, God_. [Decoration] 18. _Why was Sir Walter Raleigh thought the fitteſt Man, to write the Hiſtorie of theſe Times?_ Was it becauſe that being told at his Arraignement, that a Witneſs accuſing himſelf had the ſtrength of two; he may ſeem by Writing the ills of his own Time to be believed? Or is it, becauſe he might reenjoy thoſe Times by the Meditation of them? Or becauſe if he ſhould undertake higher Times, he doth not think, that he can come nearer to the Beginning of the World? Or becauſe like a Bird in a Cage, he takes his Tunes from every paſſenger, that laſt whiſtled? Or becauſe he thinks not that the beſt Echo which repeats moſt of the Sentence, but that which repeats Leſs more plainly? [Decoration] CHARACTERS 1. _The Character of a =Scot= at the first ſight._ At his firſt appearing in the _Charterhouſe_, an Olive coloured Veluet ſuit owned him, which ſince became mous-colour, A pair of unſkour’d ſtockings-gules, One indifferent ſhooe, his band of _Edenburgh_, and cuffs of _London_, both ſtrangers to his ſhirt, a white feather in a hat that had bin ſod, one onely cloak for the rain, which yet he made ſerve him for all weathers: A Barren-half-acre of Face, amidſt whereof an eminent Noſe advanced himſelf, like the new Mount at _Wanſted_, overlooking his Beard, and all the wilde Country thereabouts; He was tended enough, but not well; for they were certain dumb creeping Followers, yet they made way for their Maſter, the Laird. At the firſt preſentment his Breeches were his Sumpter, and his Packets, Trunks, Cloak-bags, Portmanteau’s and all; He then grew a Knight-wright, and there is extant of his ware at 100_l._ 150_l._ and 200_l._ price. Immediately after this, he ſhifteth his ſuit, ſo did his Whore, and to a Bear-baiting they went, whither I followed them not, but _Tom. Thorney_ did. [Decoration] 2. _The true Character of a =Dunce=._ He hath a Soule drownd in a lump of Fleſh, or in a piece of Earth that _Prometheus_ put not half his proportion of Fire into, a thing that hath neither edge of deſire, nor feeling of affection in it, The moſt dangerous creature for confirming an _Atheiſt_, who would ſtraight ſwear, his ſoul were nothing but the bare temperature of his body: He ſleeps as he goes, and his thoughts ſeldom reach an inch further than his eyes; The moſt part of the faculties of his ſoul lye Fallow, or are like the reſtive Jades that no ſpur can drive forwards towards the purſuite of any worthy deſign; one of the moſt unprofitable of all Gods creatures, being as he is, a thing put clean beſides his right uſe, made fitt for the cart & the flail, and by miſchance Entangled amongſt books and papers, a man cannot tel poſſible what he is now good for, ſave to move up and down and fill room, or to ſerve as _Animatum Inſtrumentum_ for others to work withal in baſe Imployments, or to be a foyl for better witts, or to ſerve (as They ſay monſters do) to ſet out the variety of nature, and Ornament of the Univerſe, He is meer nothing of himſelf, neither eates, nor drinkes, nor goes, nor ſpits but by imitation, for al which, he hath ſet forms & faſhions, which he never varies, but ſticks to, with the like plodding conſtancy that a milhors follows his trace, both the muſes and the graces are his hard Miſtriſſes though he daily Invocate them, though he ſacrifize _Hecatombs_, they ſtil look a ſquint, you ſhall note him oft (beſide his dull eye and louting head, and a certain clammie benum’d pace) by a fair diſplai’d beard, a Nightcap and a gown, whoſe very wrincles proclaim him the true genius of formality, but of al others, his diſcours and compoſitions beſt ſpeak him, both of them are much of one ſtuf & faſhion, he ſpeaks juſt what his books or laſt company ſaid unto him without varying one whit & very ſeldom underſtands himſelf, you may know by his diſcourſe where he was laſt, for what he read or heard yeſterday he now diſchargeth his memory or notebook of, not his underſtanding, for it never came there; what he hath he flings abroad at al adventurs without accomodating it to time, place, perſons or occaſions, he commonly loſeth himſelf in his tale, and flutters up and down windles without recovery, and whatſoever next preſents it ſelf, his heavie conceit ſeizeth upon and goeth along with, however _Heterogeneal_ to his matter in hand, his jeſts are either old flead proverbs, or lean-ſtarv’d-hackny-_Apophthegm’s_, or poor verball quips outworn by Servingmen, Tapſters and Milkmaids, even laid aſide by Balladers, He aſſents to all men that bring any ſhadow of reaſon, and you may make him when he ſpeaks moſt Dogmatically, even with one breath, to averr pure contradictions, His Compoſitions differ only _terminorum poſitione_ from Dreams, Nothing but rude heaps of Immaterial-inchoherent droſſie-rubbiſh-ſtuffe, promiſcuouſly thruſt up together, enough to Infuſe dullneſs and Barrenneſs of Conceit into him that is ſo Prodigall of his eares as to give the hearing, enough to make a mans memory Ake with ſuffering ſuch dirtie ſtuffe caſt into it, as unwellcome to any true conceit, as Sluttiſh Morſells or Wallowiſh Potions to a Nice-Stomack which whiles he empties himſelfe of, it ſticks in his Teeth nor can he be Delivered without Sweate and Sighes, and Humms, and Coughs enough to ſhake his Grandams teeth out of her head; Heel ſpitt, and ſcratch, and yawn, and ſtamp, and turn like ſick men from one elbow to another, and Deſerve as much pitty during this torture as men in Fits of Tertian Feavors or ſelfe laſhing Penitentiaries; in a word, Rip him quite aſunder, and examin every ſhred of him, you ſhall finde him to be juſt nothing, but the ſubject of Nothing, the object of contempt, yet ſuch as he is you muſt take him, for there is no hope he ſhould ever become better. [Decoration] 21. _An Eſſay of Valour._ I am of opinion that nothing is ſo potent either to procure or merit Love, as Valour, and I am glad I am ſo, for thereby I ſhall do my ſelf much eaſe, becauſe Valour never needs much wit to maintain it: To ſpeak of it in it ſelf, It is a quality which he that hath, ſhall have leaſt need of, so the beſt League between Princes is a mutual fear of each other, it teacheth a man to value his reputation as his life, and chiefly to hold the Lye unſufferable, though being alone, he holds finds no hurt it doth him, It leaves it ſelf to others cenſures, for he that brags of his own valour, diſſwades others from believing it, It feareth a word no more than an Ague, It always makes good the Owner, for though he be generally held a fool, he ſhall ſeldom hear ſo much by word of mouth, and that enlargeth him more than any ſpectacles, for it maketh a little fellow be called a tall man, it yeilds the wall to none but a woman, whoſe weakneſs is her prerogative, or a man ſeconded with a woman as an uſher, which always goes before his betters, It makes a man become the witneſs of his own words, and ſtand to whatever he hath ſaid, and thinketh it a reproach to commit his reviling unto the Law, it furniſheth youth with action, and age with diſcourſe, and both by futures, for a man muſt ever boaſt himſelf in the preſent tenſe, and to come nearer home, nothing drawes a woman like to it; for Valour towards men, is an Emblem of an ability towards women, a good quality ſignifies a better. Nothing is more behooffull for that Sex; for from it they receive protection, and we free from the danger of it: Nothing makes a ſhorter cut for obtaining, for a man of Arms is always void of Ceremony, which is the wall that ſtands between _Pyramus_ and _Thiſbe_, that is, _Man_ and _Woman_, for there is no pride in women but that which rebounds from our own baſeneſſe (as Cowards grow valiant upon thoſe that are more Cowards) ſo that only by our pale aſking we teach them to deny, and by our ſhamefac’dneſs, we put them in minde to be modeſt, whereas indeed it is cunning _Rhetorick_ to perſwade the hearers that they are that already which he would have them to be; This kinde of baſhfulneſs is far from men of Valour, and eſpecially from ſouldiers, for ſuch are ever men (without doubt) forward and confident, loſing no time leaſt they ſhould loſe opportunity, which is the beſt Factor for a Lover, and becauſe they know women are given to diſſemble, they will never believe them when they deny, _Whilome_ before this age of wit, and wearing black, were broke in upon us, there was no way known to win a Lady but by Tylting, Turnying, and riding through Forreſts, in which time theſe ſlender ſtriplings with little legs were held but of ſtrength enough to marry their widows, and even in our days there can be given no reaſon of the Inundation of Servingmen upon their Miſtreſſes, but (only) that uſually they carry their Maſters Weapons, and his Valour: To be accounted handſome, juſt, learned, or well favoured, all this carries no danger with it, but it is to be admitted to the Title of Valiant Acts, at leaſt the adventuring of his mortality, and al women take delight to hold him safe in their arms who hath ’ſcapt thither through many dangers: To ſpeak at once, Man hath a priviledge in Valour; In clothes and good faces we but imitate women, and many of that Sex will not think much (as far as an anſwer goes) to diſſemble wit too. So then theſe neat youths, theſe women in mens apparel are too near a woman to be beloved of her, They be both of a Trade, but be grim of aſpect, and ſuch a one as Glaſs dares take, and ſhe will deſire him for neatneſs and varietie; A ſkar in a mans face is the ſame that a mole in a womans; a Jewel ſet in white to make it ſeem more white, for the ſkar in a man is a mark of honour and no blemiſh, for ’tis a ſkar and a blemiſh too in a Souldier too to be with out one: Now as for al things elſe which are to procure Love, as a good face, wit, good clothes, or a good body, each of them I confeſs may work ſomewhat for want of a better, That is, if _Valour be not their Rivall_; A good face avails nothing if it be in a coward that is baſhfull, the utmoſt of it is to be kiſſ’d, which rather encreaſeth then quencheth appetite; He that ſends her gifts ſends her word alſo, that he is a man of ſmall gifts otherwiſe, for wooing by ſigns and tokens implies the Author dumb; and if _Ovid_ who writ _the Law of Love_, were alive (as he is extant) would allow it as good a diverſity, that gifts ſhould be ſent as gratuities, not as bribes; Wit getteth rather promiſe then Love, Wit is not to be ſeen, and no woman takes advice of any in her loving, but of her own eyes, and her waiting womans; Nay which is worſe, wit is not to be felt, and ſo no good fellow; Wit apply’d to a woman makes her diſſolve (or diſcloſe) her ſimpering, and diſcover her teeth with laughter, and this is ſurely a purge for love; for the beginning of love is a kind of fooliſh melancholy, as for the man that makes his Taylor his Bawd, and hopes to inveagle his Love with ſuch a coloured ſuit, ſurely the ſame deeply hazards the loſs of her favour upon every change of his clothes; So likewiſe for the other, that Courts her ſilently with a good body, let me certifie him that his clothes depend upon the comelyneſſe of the body, and ſo both upon opinion; ſhe that hath been ſeduced by Apparel, let me give her to wit, _that men always put off their clothes before they go to bed_; and let her that hath been enamour’d of her ſervants body, underſtand, _that if ſhe ſaw him in a ſkin of cloth_, that is, in a ſuit made to the pattern of his body, _ſhe would ſee ſlender cauſe to love him ever after_; there are no clothes ſit ſo well in a woman’s eye, as a ſuit of Steel, though not of the faſhion, and no man ſo ſoon ſurpriſeth a womans affections as he that is the ſubject of all whiſperings, and hath always twenty ſtories of his own deeds depending upon him; Miſtake me not, I underſtand not by valour one that never fights but when he is back’d by drink or anger, or hiſſ’d on with beholders, nor one that is deſperate, nor one that takes away a Servingmans weapons when perchance it coſt him his quarters wages, nor yet one that wears a Privy coat of defence and therein is confident, for then ſuch as made Bucklers, would be accounted the _Catalines_ of this Commonwealth—I intend one of an even Reſolution grounded upon reaſon, which is always even, having his power reſtrained by the Law of not doing wrong. But now I remember I am for Valour and therefore I muſt be a man of few words. Transcriber’s Note Inconsistent period spelling retained as printed. The original printing used _ß_ occasionally, but inconsistently, in place of _ſſ_: this usage has not been retained. *** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PARADOXES AND PROBLEMES *** Updated editions will replace the previous one—the old editions will be renamed. Creating the works from print editions not protected by U.S. copyright law means that no one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation (and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to copying and distributing Project Gutenberg™ electronic works to protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG™ concept and trademark. 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