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Title: A Little Book of Bores

Author: Oliver Herford

Release date: March 7, 2018 [eBook #56697]

Language: English

*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK A LITTLE BOOK OF BORES ***

 

E-text prepared by Richard Tonsing, David Edwards,
and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team
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from page images generously made available by
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Note: Images of the original pages are available through Internet Archive. See https://archive.org/details/littlebookofbore00herfrich

 

Transcriber’s Note:

The cover image was created by the transcriber and is placed in the public domain.

A LITTLE BOOK OF BORES

By OLIVER HERFORD
LONDON
GAY AND HANCOCK, LTD.
All Rights Reserved
A Little Book of Bores
1

A Little Book of Bores

2A is the Autograph Bore
Whom Authors and Actors deplore,
Tho’ it’s evident quite
If the Dears ceased to write
They’d deplore even more than before.
3 A
4B is a Bounder blasé
Who likes to appear quite au fait;
He purses his lips
As his Rhine wine he sips,
Tho’ he doesn’t know Hock from Tokay.
5 B
6C’s a Critic. Far be it from me
With a time-honoured craft to make free.
All praise I accord
Good Critics—but lord!
What a Bore a bad Critic can be!
7 C
8D is a Decadent Dreary
Whose Works are depressing and eerie;
If you ask his excuse
For existence, or use,
I’m afraid I can’t answer your query.
9 D
10E is the Egotist dread
Who, as some one has happily said,
Will talk till he’s blue
About myself, when you
Want to talk about yourself instead.
11 E
12F’s a Frankly Familiar Friend
Who loves free advice to extend;
He declares, for his part,
He knows nothing of Art,
But he thinks that your time you misspend.
13 F
14G is a Grumbler gruff
Whom everything puts in a huff;
If he chances to gain
Heaven’s gate, he’ll complain
Of his Halo or Harp, like enough.
15 G
16H is a Humorist glum.
Why sits he so silent and dumb?
He’s concocting some Gay
Impromptu to say
When the Opportune Moment shall come.
17 H
18I’s the Intensely Intense
Who dilates on the Whither and Whence,
The Ego (or “I”),
And the Wherefore and Why,
Not to mention the Hither and Hence.
19 I
20J is the “Johnnie”—a Thing
Much affected by Fairies who sing.
He is human in shape,
With the brain of an ape,
And generally tied to a string.
21 J
22K is the Kaiser unnerving,
With the Terrible Moustache upcurving.
One man who can bore
A planet——and more
Is surely of mention deserving.
23 K
24L’s the Loquacious variety,
That is found in all sorts of society.
He will drink in the sound
Of his own voice—till drowned
In a species of self-inebriety.
25 L
26M’s a Methodical Man
Who prates with precision and plan.
Beware, how you balk
The stream of his talk,
Lest he go back to where he began.
27 M
28N is a Newly-rich boor,
Whom no one pretends to endure.
Some cases with care
And complete change of Heir
Take three generations to cure.
29 N
30O is an Optimist glad
Who doesn’t know how to be sad;
If he wakes up some day
In Hades, he’ll say,
“Well, really it isn’t so bad.”
31 O
32P’s a Poetical bore
Who recites his own things by the score.
The ladies, poor dears,
Are all moved to tears,
While strong men are moved—to the door.
33 P
34Q is a Quoter who’ll cite
His favourite authors all night.
Tho’ teeming with Thought,
Like the Moon he is naught
But a second-hand dealer in Light.
35 Q
36R’s a Rampant Reformer whose prose
Insures you a Health-giving doze.
You wouldn’t much mind
If he’d only be kind
And not slam the door when he goes.
37 R
38S is a Satirist rude
Who subsists on Leguminous Food,
Which he shyly maintains
So enforces his brains,
Even Shakespeare beside him seems crude.
39 S
40T is a Terrible Tot
Who says things he’d much better not.
A child of that age
Should be kept in a cage,
And fed—if at all—through a slot.
41 T
42U is the Unco Guid Man,
And all his unspeakable clan,
With their Braw bonnie brae,
Bide a wee, Scots wha hae,
Aweel, Dinna ken, and Hoot man.
43 U
44V is a Vain Virtuoso.
If you ask, “Pray what makes your hair grow so;
Do you think it a sign
Of Genius divine?”
He replies, “I don’t think so, I know so.”
45 V
46W’s a Well-informed Wight
Who aims to set every one right;
If you chance to misspell
Or misquote, he will swell
With holy and chastened Delight.
47 W
48X is Old Xmas, a dear
Old Impostor who comes once a year,
With wassail, and wishes,
And death-dealing dishes,
And chilblains, and chimes, and good cheer.
49 X
50Y is a Yodler whose yell
Wakes the echo in mountain or fell.
“Poor Echo!” I say,
“To be wakened each day
By a sound like a Feline unwell.”
51 Y
52Z is a Zealot whose zeal
Takes the form of an “Urgent appeal.”
Tho’ you wriggle and squirm
And protest—he sits firm,
Till he lands you at last like an eel.
53 Z
55Richard Clay & Sons, Limited,
BREAD STREET HILL, E.C., AND
BUNGAY, SUFFOLK.
56By OLIVER HERFORD

ARTFUL ANTICKS

By Oliver Herford. Illustrations on every page, attractively bound in cloth, 8 by 6¼ in., pp. 112, 2s.

⁂ Humorous verses and illustrations about Animals.

Queen—“This is one of the most delightfully whimsical collections of sketches with both pen and pencil which are always so dear to the hearts of children. Mr. Herford’s rhymes are full of that simple fun which it requires no effort to appreciate, and many of them are irresistibly ridiculous; while his graceful sketches show a high sense of genuine humour.”

THE BOLD BAD BUTTERFLY

Crown 8vo., with over 100 humorous illustrations, 2s.

London: GAY AND HANCOCK, Ltd.

 

TRANSCRIBER’S NOTE

  1. Moved advertisement from p. 2 to end.
  2. Silently corrected typographical errors.
  3. Retained anachronistic and non-standard spellings as printed.