The Project Gutenberg eBook of Santa Claus' Daughter, by E. Elliot and F. Hardcastle.

WITH CAST OF CHARACTERS, ENTRANCES, AND EXITS, RELATIVE POSITIONS OF
THE PERFORMERS ON THE STAGE, DESCRIPTION OF COSTUMES AND
THE WHOLE OF THE STAGE BUSINESS, CAREFULLY
MARKED FROM THE MOST APPROVED
ACTING COPY.

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Santa Claus’ Daughter.

A MUSICAL CHRISTMAS
BURLESQUE

DESCRIPTION OF THE COSTUMES—CAST OF THE CHARACTERS—ENTRANCES AND EXITS—RELATIVE POSITIONS OF THE PERFORMERS ON THE STAGE, AND THE WHOLE OF THE STAGE BUSINESS.

Entered according to the act of Congress in the year 1892, by
AMES’ PUBLISHING CO.,
in the office of the Librarian of Congress at Washington.

Large book and quill pen for Gussie; carpet bag and cane for O’Rourke; sleigh bells. Also quizzing glass for Gussie.

ACT I.—Scene, North Pole Snow Castle. Santa Claus’ home. Song of the Snow-fairies. Gussie and the Fairies. Santa Claus preparing for his “night out.” The “Directory.” “The Dude.” Kitty wants to move to the land of mortals, where men are plenty. Santa Claus’ advice. Song by Santa Claus and family, “A Model Man.” Gussie, “That’s clevah, deucedly clevah doncher no?” Gussie’s attempt to sing. Chestnut bell. Santa Claus’ promise to bring Kitty a man. Astonishment at Kitty’s rash request. Caught out on a foul. “I’ll bring her a boodler, a Farmer’s Alliance man,” anything to disgust her with the whole race. Song—Sleighing song. Departure of Santa Claus for the land of mortals, in his sleigh and fleet-footed reindeers.

ACT. II.—Return of Santa Claus, with an Irish Paddy. Santa Claus and Gussie witness unseen, the meeting of Kitty and “her man.” “Do yez chew gum, and play on the type-writer.” Song by Kitty, “The Pleasure of Catching a Man.” The proposal. “The could weather will make yez a widdy before yez married, so it will.” Santa Claus’ despair at Kitty’s acceptance of O’Rourke. Gussie has an idea. O’Rourke declared King of the North Pole. Coronation song. March by Fairies and Holidays. “The last ton of coal which broke the camels back.” O’Rourke ascends the throne. Cigarette or two. Kitty resolves to reform O’Rourke. Tableau. Erin appears. Her appeal in behalf of the Irish girls, beats the world and Kitty isn’t in it. Kitty undecided whether to go with O’Rourke or remain. Tableau. Curtain.

*CAST OF CHARACTERS.*
Santa Claus
Gussie DeSmythe	Secretary to Santa Claus.
Dennis O’Rourke
Footman
Coachman
Mrs. Santa Claus	Santa Claus’ wife.
Kitty Claus	Santa Claus’ only daughter.
Queen of Snow-fairies
Four Snow-fairies
The Four Holidays	Fourth of July, Thanksgiving,
	Christmas and New Years.
Erin	Goddess of Ireland.

R., means Right; L., Left; R. H., Right Hand; L. H., Left Hand; C., Centre; S. E., [2d E.,] Second Entrance; U. E., Upper Entrance; M. D., Middle Door; F., the Flat; D. F., Door in Flat; R. C., Right of Centre; L. C., Left of Centre.

ACT I.

SCENE.—A large hall in Santa Claus’ Snow-palace. Throne-chair R. U. E.; table and chair L.; bell cord L.; as curtain rises Gussie is discovered at table L., writing in a large book.

At close of song Gussie comes down to front, makes an extravagant bow to the Fairies.

Gus. Well now, that’s clevah, deucedly clevah doncherno, but ladies, you distract my mind from the duties incident to my exalted office. I must really ask you to depaht. I must indeed.

Fai. (Fairies stamp their feet indignantly and speak in chorus) Listen to that! The horrid man! Distract his mind indeed, bah! (to Gussie) You never had a mind.

Gus. Beg pardon ladies, but it is twue, evewy word twue. This is Chwistmas Eve and in one hour fwom this time I must have the “World’s Directory of Deserving Didlets” weady for Santa Claus before he starts out upon his annual journey. [Pg 4]

Queen. (Fairies go to entrances R. and L., Queen goes to C. All turn and look at Gussie as Queen says) Gussie, we go, but we return; and when we do return we will sing—Comrades!!

Gus. Well, I flatter myself, that was nicely done. Other fellows may have some trouble in managing the ladies, but it is no trouble at all, when you know how. Gussie old boy, you are clevah, deucedly clevah.

Santa. Well my good fellow, are all things prepared? Is the Directory ready for my journey to-night?

Gus. (making profound bow) Yes, your majesty, it will be ready in fifteen minutes.

Santa. Well, Gussie, how are the children panning out this year? Are there as many as usual?

Santa. More? Well, well! And the Smiths, I suppose there are a few Smiths left?

Santa. Legion! Eh? Um, ah! yes, Legion. Well, it may rest us a little to have them change their name. What is it Shakespeare has to say on the subject of changing names? Smith—Smith—by any other name would—um—no! no! that is not exactly what I want.

Santa. (starting towards Gussie angrily) Villain, I fain would smite thee! (stops suddenly and draws hand across forehead) No! no! what would I do? Destroy the last lingering specimen of an almost extinct race? I will spare thee, dude. Proceed with thy labors. (Santa walks up and down stage thoughtfully, while Gussie makes a great show of writing in his book. Santa stops to watch him as he writes all the way across one page and as far to one side as he can reach) What are you doing there?

Gus. Your majesty, I am writing the name of the child of a Russian exile, but I fear you will have to carry a few K’s and Z’s loose in your pocket, for of a verity the book will not contain them all. (gong heard striking off L., Santa listens, Gussie starts) Great smoke, I am discovered! There goes that chestnut bell!

Santa. It is the ninth hour; I must hasten. (to Gussie) Summon my household that I may bid them good-by. (Gussie pulls bell-rope, L., great noise of tin pans, cans, cat calls, etc., heard) There, there, that will do. We do not want to perform the miracle of raising the dead. [Pg 5]

Mrs. C. (seizing Santa’s sleeve and trying to lead him off L.) Then let us get out of this house at once, hubby, there is going to be an earth-quake! Didn’t you hear that noise?

Santa. Yes, but I don’t want you to be glad. It is very disrespectful in you, to say the least, to be glad at a time like this.

Kitty. Going to leave us? Why papa, you will be too early for the World’s Fair.

Santa. I am not going to the World’s Fair, daughter. Have you forgotten that this is Christmas Eve, my regular night out?

Mrs. C. Why, so it is; I had forgotten. To-night you go forth to distribute gum-drops, drums and dollies to the children of all Christendom. It is very kind of you my dear, I am sure, and I am sorry that you are compelled to tear yourself away, but you will return to-morrow?

Santa. I am glad that you appreciate me, my dear. Let me advise you to keep a good thing while you have it.

Kitty. Yes, papa is a good man; at least, I suppose he is a good man. Good is a relative term, and men are so scarce in this kingdom of the North Pole, that I cannot judge by comparison.

Santa. Daughter, I am an exceptional creature in every way. Thank the Fates that you have never been permitted to meet a less worthy specimen of the race than your papa.

Santa. No, my child, no indeed; there are not enough to go around to be sure; and under the present system, old maids seem to be a compulsory blessing; still they are numerous, quite so.

Mrs. C. Why, what is the matter with the child? (goes over to Kitty) My dear you must be ill: come, take a milk-shake and go to bed.

Santa. No! no, there is nothing the matter with the child, only a little natural curiosity, that is all; but Kitty you would better remain content to know no man but your papa; he is an exceptional creature, I assure you.

Gus. Well now that’s clevah, deucedly clevah, by Jove. Methinks I’ll warble a little myself.

Gus. Just as you please ladies, but it is your misfortune that you do not appreciate good music.

Kitty. Papa, that is a very pretty custom of yours, of every year giving presents to the children of mortals; so pretty indeed, that I wonder you have not tried it at home, that you have never given your daughter a Christmas present.

Santa. My dear child, it would be useless; the wealth of my kingdom is at your command; your every wish is gratified. What more could I give you than you already have?

Kitty. But surely, surely, there is something in the land of mortals which I have not. Could you not bring me a gift from there?

Santa. I had not thought of that. Yes, ask what e’er thou wilt, be it in my power to do so I will grant it.

Santa. (aside) Caught out on a foul! How am I to get out of this predicament? I have given my word and I would rather break a dollar bill than break my word. (thinks) Ah, I have it! I will bring her a man, but oh, such a man! I will bring her a boodler, a fee-grabber, a Farmer’s Alliance advocate, ha! ha! ha! She will be disgusted with the whole race and I will save my honor and my child. (turns to Kitty.) Daughter, you shall have your man.

During this speech all indulge in business of surprise at Kitty’s rash request.

Gus. No she means tin-types; three for a quarter, doncherno. (sleigh-bells heard off R., Gussie in horror) Great smoke! There goes that chestnut bell again. [Pg 7]

Santa. And so am I. My friends you well might envy me my ride to-night, with the pale moon shining overhead and the white snow gleaming beneath the feet of my fleet-footed reindeers. And the bells, what melody their little metal tongues peal forth upon the frosty air. Surely it is a subject worthy the pen of a poet; the description of a sleigh-ride on a night like this.

Repeat chorus softly as Santa Claus exits C., followed by Footman and Coachman, the rest gazing after him.

ACT II.

SCENE.—Same as in Act I. Sleigh bells heard in distance coming nearer, until they stop at C.; Santa Claus enters C., followed by Gussie and preceded by Footman.

Gus. Your majesty has returned. You are even more prompt than usual. No one would suspect that those venerable whiskers of yours had been silvered by the frosts of many hundreds of winters. [Pg 8]

Santa. No, Gus my boy, time has no power to dampen the ardor of old Santa Claus, nor to make him the less able to perform his self-appointed duties. But that reminds me Gus.; last night my daughter made a strange request. You heard it did you not?

Gus. Yes, your majesty, I heard it, and thought it strange that you should make the promise that you did.

Santa. And so it was, and would have been much worse than strange had not a happy thought struck me with a force like unto a hod of falling bricks.

Santa. Right you are; and as a reward for your years of faithful service I propose to share it with you.

Gus. (aside) I wish his idea would take the form of an increase in my salary. Ten dollars a month scarce suffices to keep me in raiment befitting my noble birth and high position, doncherno.

Gus. I was saying, your majesty, that I would indeed be proud to share your first idea with you.

Santa. Well then, this is the scheme: I have brought back with me a man as green as the green isle from which he came, a regular Paddy of the old school. My daughter, having seen no men but you and me, will conclude that he is one of the choicest specimens of his species, and will thus be disenchanted.

Gus. The scheme looks well upon the face of it; I only hope that it may conclude even as your majesty wishes.

Santa. You hope that it may work! Why sir, it must work! Think of the position I would be in should my daughter ever marry! In six short months or less, my son-in-law would have my throne and I would lose my job; mayhaps, shorn of my kingly robes, be slinging hash to earn my daily bread.

Gus. I mean, your majesty, that it was very clevah of you to extricate yourself from such a trying situation.

Santa. Oh! yes, that’s different; and now I will proceed to unfold my plans to you.

Santa. I have ordered the terrier to be brought into this room, and have also requested that my daughter come here. We will conceal ourselves and enjoy her astonishment at her first meeting with her man.

O’Rourke. Can’t yez let go av me arrums, yez miserable dagos? Do yez think Oi can’t walk alone at all, at all?

O’Rourke. Come now, yeez hand-organ aristocrats, lave go me arrums. (Footman and Coachman bow to him and exit, C.) (O’Rourke shivering) Oh moy, oh moy, Oi don’t know whether this is an oice-crame saloon or a refrigerator car, but wan thing Oi do know, an’ that same is that this overcoat of moine is too foine for me prisint station in loife. (sees bell-rope) Helloa, phwat’s that? Oi think Oi’ll give her a pull and see if it won’t turrun on the stame. (pulls rope, great noise heard off L., O’Rourke terrified) Oh Oi say now, phwat a commiseration Oi’ve created, to be share. [Pg 9]

Oh, get out av this, get out av this! You little spalpeen; can’t yez lave me alone at all, at all.

O’Rourke. (aside) Oh, Oi see, he has come to take my order. (aloud) Oi say, send me up a ton of coal and a match; do yez moind?

O’Rourke. Will yez listen to that now! Yez have no coal, is it? Thin phwat do yez do for a foire, say now?

O’Rourke. Yez don’t feel the could? Well thin, Oi do just that same. Yez can take moi ordher for a suit of clothes if yez plaze, sor.

Well, what a quare set of crathures these are to be sure, and what a quare fix yez has got yerself into, McGinnins ould bye. Lasht night I was promenading down the streets of me native city whin suddintly biz—whiz—siz—and along came a sleigh pulled by six milch cows with forked horruns and a little man insoide all covered over with whiskirs. Thin out jumped thim little Frinch dagos, took hould of moi arrums and chucked me into that sleigh so quick Oi couldn’t draw moi breath; it’s down at the Bank yet. Oh, if Oi’d only had moi good shillelah then; Oi’d have cracked them wance or twice so Oi would. Thin, biz—whiz—siz—again, and here Oi am in a lodging house where they don’t have no foire and don’t feel the could. Oh moi, oh moi, Oi’ll have to keep circulatin’ around or Oi’ll be an oiceberg, so I will.

O’Rourke. (still dancing and not looking around) Kaping warrum to be coorse. Did yez think Oi was saying moi prayers?

O’Rourke. Av coorse Oi’m a man. Phwat did yez take me for, a statty of Venus?

O’Rourke. Yis, Oi’m yer man. (stops dancing and looks at her) Why, begorra it’s a girrul! How do you do, Miss Cleveland?

Kitty. My name is not Cleveland, sir: My name is Kitty Claus; I am the daughter of Santa Claus.

O’Rourke. Was that him what tore me away from moi home and kindred last noight?

O’Rourke. Then, Miss Claus, Oi shall have yer father prosecuted for cruelty to animals. That’s phwat Oi will. (motions Kitty to come nearer) Come here, now, come here, come here. (Kitty comes to his side, O’Rourke in a stage whisper says) Do yez chew gum?

O’Rourke. Well now, that’s a good girrul. Here is a penny; go to the blacksmith’s and get a bun. Say, do you play on the type-writer?

O’Rourke. Never saw a type-writer? Oh moi child, moi child, Oi fear your musical eddication has been sadly neglected. [Pg 10]

Kitty. I hope not, sir. I can sing quite well; at least so my papa says. Shall I sing for you?

Kitty. Well then, how would you like to hear “The Song That Reached My Heart?”

Kitty. You are hard to please, sir; but if you do not care to hear the song that reached my heart, I will sing you one of my own composition, written upon a theme which is nearest my heart, “The Pleasure of Catching a Man.”

O’Rourke. That’s a foine song, to be sure; beautiful sentiment and all that, but are you really in earnest about this matter?

Kitty. (running toward him) Oh! do you really mean—(turning away) er—er—this is so sudden—you must give me time to think. [Pg 11]

O’Rourke. “Think it over!” Yes, an’ whoile yez is thinkin’ it over Oi’ll be sthandin’ here frazin’ to death. Yez’ll have to do yer thinkin’ purty quick Miss Claus, or yez’ll be a widdy before yez is married, so you will.

Kitty. Are you really cold, dear? Why of course you are; how stupid of me to forget that you are not used to such a rigorous climate and those clothes of yours are hardly the proper thing for this frigid zone. I suppose you did not have time to change your clothes.

O’Rourke. To be coorse Oi didn’t have toime to get a shave even. (strokes whiskers) Bad cess to that father of yours.

Kitty. Poor man, how you must suffer. Come with me. I will have the court tailor take your measure for a suit of furs and the servants shall see that you are provided with a fire.

O’Rourke. Kitty, yez is a good girrul; but Oi say, would yez moind sinding up a ham and some hen-fruit.

O’Rourke. (aside) McGinnis ould bye, yer in luck this toime to be sure. What a pity it is we can’t all be borrun with silver spoons in our pockets. Jist look at me now! Oi’m goin’ to have a shquare meal, a shute of clothes and perhaps a woife, and whin Oi get her Oi’m goin’ right back to ould Erin and—(stops to think) Ah! there’s the rub. How am Oi goin’ to get back to Erin? (aloud) Well Kitty, Oi’m with yez whoile the grub lashts.

Santa. Oh Gussie! Gussie! Would you add insult to injury by mocking a poor old man whose only daughter is about to break her father’s heart by becoming the wife of a potato-masher?

Gus. Pardon me, your majesty, but the potato-masher seems to have crushed us very successfully. He has quite a fetching way with the ladies too. I couldn’t have managed that little romance better myself.

Santa. Impossible! The man would die of cold and hunger. You seem to forget, Gussie, that we are surrounded with ice and snow, piled mountain-high. How many brave explorers from the land of mortals have lost their lives in the attempt to penetrate the mysteries of the North Pole.

Santa. Have you also forgotten that one of the conditions of my becoming immortal and the Christmas Saint was that I was not to leave these icy fastnesses but once each year? I can not take this man away until next year on Christmas Eve, in that time who knows what dreadful things may happen?

Santa. Yes, Gussie, think! think! I know not if dudes have a thinker, but if you have thinks to think, prepare to think them now Gussie, prepare to think them now. (Santa drops in chair at table overcome by emotion, while Gussie walks up and down the room in comical attitude of thinking.) Your thinker seems to be working rather slowly, Gussie; time is very precious to me now. [Pg 12]

Gus. It is a plan to circumvent this Hibernian rogue, a very simple plan, but clever, deucedly clever and reflects great credit upon it’s author.

Santa. Gussie, if your plan succeeds, I’ll raise your salary to $12.00 a month.

Gus. I hear some one approaching. I will not have time to explain my plan in detail, but you must promise to make no objection to any of my actions while I am carrying the plan out, and I assure you all will be right in the end.

O’Rourke advances forward looking admiringly at himself in a new suit of clothes.

O’Rourke. Begorra, it’s a foine display Oi’m makin’ now. Oi’m a worker from Cork so Oi am, and—(sees Gussie) Oh! take it away, take it away!

Gus. This is Mr. O’Rourke, I believe. I must take the liberty of introducing myself. I am Gussie de Smythe, Grand Illustrious Scribe and Supreme Confidential Clerk to his Majesty, Santa Claus, Ruler of the Kingdom of the North Pole.

O’Rourke. (aside) He looks like a grand illustrated squib from “Puck.” (aloud) Oi say, could you say that again and say it real slow? You ought to be more careful about makin’ payple acquainted wid doubtful characters. Howsomever, Oi don’t moind a little thing loike that in a could counthry loike this. Oi’m quite fond of curiosities moiself, so Oi am.

Gus. Sir, this unseemly levity is far from being as clevah as you suppose, in fact it is quite the contrary, doncherno; but to proceed to business—you know the purpose for which you were brought here, do you not?

O’Rourke. Well thin, Oi don’t jist that same; Oi don’t know nawthin’ about it at all, at all an’ that’s phwat’s the matter with me, so it is.

Gus. Then I can enlighten you upon that point. You were brought here to ascend the throne and become the successor of Santa Claus as ruler of the Kingdom of the North Pole.

Gus. Oh! you will have this beautiful palace, innumerable servants and countless wealth at your disposal.

Gus. You will have no work to do, nothing to do but sit on your throne and make laws for the government of your Kingdom. A monarch is never supposed to do anything for himself; there will be hosts of servants at hand to do your bidding; and I, as your private secretary, will ever be at your side ready to carry out your desires as soon, or even before, they are expressed.

O’Rourke. All roight, Oi’ll go you wan for luck. Begorra this job is ace and joker ahead of the perlice force. [Pg 13]

Gus. I am glad that you are willing to assume the responsibilities of the office sir. No time need be lost; we will proceed with the coronation ceremonies at once.

Gus. You shall soon see. I have summoned all of the royal household, including Santa Claus himself; he will renounce his title and the throne, and will publicly proclaim you king with the title of Santa Claus the II.

O’Rourke struts up and down the stage arranging his collar and tie. Santa Claus enters L. U. E., with Mrs. Claus and Kitty on either arm; comes down stage L., followed by the Holidays; Fairies enter R. U. E.; Footman and Coachman enter C., and stand on each side of the door.

O’Rourke. Ah! there’s Kitty. Swate girrul, that Kitty. Oi say, Kitty, ain’t Oi a darlint in my new suit of clothes?

O’Rourke. Oi don’t know. Oi’ll come hoigh if Oi am. Oi’m the only wan av me that’s left.

Gussie takes position in front, clears his throat and makes a few preliminary gestures as if preparing to make a speech.

O’Rourke. Naw you don’t! Naw you don’t! You don’t borry anything from me at all, at all.

Gus. (ignoring the interruption) I have summoned you here to witness the coronation ceremonies of Mr. McGinnis O’Rourke, whom I now proclaim King of the North Pole with the title of Santa Claus II.

Santa. (going over to Gussie and speaking angrily) What are you saying, sir? This is treason! Do you hear? Treason!

O’Rourke. Do yez hear that now? Oi’m going to be King, so Oi am; and Kitty, you shall be moy bride and do me washin’. You’re a princess now Oi belave, but Oi’m going to make yez a rale queen. Do yez hear, Kitty moy darlint? A rale queen and you shall have a new piece of gum ivery day, so you shall.

Mrs. C. What is that dreadful man saying? Come Kitty my child, you must not stay here to be insulted in this way.

Santa. (speaking aloud as he returns to his wife’s side) All right, Gussie, my boy; but be careful, be very careful.

O’Rourke. No sir! Oi niver shware. Oi’m not abducted to the use av profanity in any forrum sir.

Gus. Well, I suppose the taking of the oath would be a useless formality in your case; we will dispense with it. (to Footman and Coachman) Bring in the royal diadem to crown his gracious majesty and the royal sceptre, the symbol of his power. [Pg 14]

Footman and Coachman exit C., and return with a large crown and a feather duster.

Gus. Your majesty, in investing you with these symbols of royalty I feel that I am conferring an unique distinction upon this people by giving them for a ruler a man the like of whom has never before escaped captivity.

Footman places crown on O’Rourke’s head, he having been led to the throne and seated thereon by Gussie, who takes feather duster from Coachman and brushes it across O’Rourke’s face. O’Rourke sneezes and fumbles in his pocket for a handkerchief. Gussie takes it from him and wipes his nose for him. Footman and Coachman retire to C.

Gus. Pardon me, your majesty, but it is one of the privileges of my exalted office to perform all little services of that kind for our king. As I told you, a monarch is never permitted to do anything for himself. There yet remains the Coronation song.

O’Rourke. (starting suddenly) No Oi’m not asleep naythur. Who said Oi was asleep, eh? (yawns; starts to raise his hand to his mouth; Gussie places his own hand over O’Rourke’s mouth) By the powers now, Oi’ve a notion to knock a quart of stars out av yez eyes for that. [Pg 15]

Gus. Your majesty, it is one of the privileges of my office to cover the King’s mouth when he yawns.

O’Rourke. It is, is it? Well don’t yez do that same any more while Oi am King or Oi’ll have yez hanged by the neck until yez are asphixiated, see?

O’Rourke. It is just that Miss Kitty; let me advise yez not to try it. But it will be different when Oi have you for my queen.

O’Rourke. Phwat is that? Git out sir, git out! Oi’ll have you banished to wance.

Gus. Would your majesty be pleased to review the Amazons, the defenders of our realm?

O’Rourke. Oi don’t know what an Amazon is, but Oi’ll be glad to interview anything for a change.

During progress of march O’Rourke attempts to applaud and take part in, in all of which attempts he is prevented by Gussie, who explains in pantomime that it does not become a monarch to do anything of these things. At close of march, Amazons take positions on R. and L. of stage.

O’Rourke. Well now girruls, that’s foine. Oi think Oi’ll have yez on guard duty around the throne all the time. Oi’m afraid somebody’ll stale me, so Oi am. (to Gussie, who is talking to Kitty) Here sir, come away from that! Get me something to eat. Oi hanker for poy.

O’Rourke. (astounded) In wan minute! Ye haythen. Oi am the King and when Oi want poy Oi want poy, and begorra Oi’m going to have it too.

O’Rourke starts toward C., Gussie takes him by the arm and leads him back to throne, and makes sign to Footman who exits, C.

O’Rourke. Ah! that’s a sight to gladden moy eyes, so it is. Bring the noble birrud here.

O’Rourke starts to leave throne; Footman kneels and presents pie; Gussie takes it from him and eats it to the consternation of O’Rourke.

Gus. (with mouth full of pie) Your majesty, it is one of the privileges of my exalted office to eat the King’s pie for him, doncherno?

O’Rourke. This is the last ton av coal that broke the camel’s back! Oi have let yez blow moy nose for me, scratch moy head for me and lead me around loike a poodle on the end of a shtring, but Oi will let no cigarette sign av yure soize eat moy poy for me sir! No sir! Not for Venice! Yez can take yer ould kingdom; it’s nawthin but an Oice-house anyway. Oi shall go back to Cork, get on the perlice force and eat a poy-factory ivery day if Oi want to. That’s phwat Oi’ll do. [Pg 16]

Santa. (aside to Gussie) Gussie you’re a jewel of the first water. I congratulate you upon the success of your scheme.

Kitty. Unfortunately sir, I cannot fly, though I wish I could, for that seems to be the only way by which we can escape this icy prison.

Santa. (to Gussie) Sir, I denounce you! Your scheme is a failure. My daughter’s mind remains unchanged. She is ready, even now, to fly to the end of the earth with this Hibernian babboon!

Gus. Your majesty I have done my best; what more could I do. It was a noble plan and worthy the great brain from which it sprang, but success and failures are not far distant and I have fallen just outside the foul-line.

Santa. Yez, you have failed. And failed in such a way that the dread calamity which you have endeavored to avert is now nearer than before. What shall I do? What shall I do? Ah, that is the question; whether it were better to wed my daughter to this billy-goat and set at rest, at once, this most vexatious question, or look me further for a son-in-law. Ah! ha! I have a scheme! I’ll ask this man some questions in the presence of my vassals here. An examination I’ll conduct more strict than ever Civil Service knew. (to O’Rourke) Here sir, I would a word with you.

O’Rourke. All roight sor, apake out. Don’t be timid in the presence av royalty.

Santa. As the father of the girl, whose hand you seek in marriage, I claim the privilege of inquiring concerning your antecedents.

O’Rourke. A man sor, and an Oirishman at that. He could foight sor loike a dog and drink the craythure loike a fish dhrinking wather. And such a jolly man he was too at a wake. Oi often wonder that the corpse itself didn’t come to loife to take a hand in the fistivities.

Santa. Your future prespect, sir, what are they? I mean—what shekels are at your command.

O’Rourke. A dollar and twenty kopecks is all Oi have at prisint, sor, but Oi have a political pull that can be cashed at a moment’s notice.

O’Rourke. And was yez spaking of moy digestion now? Begorra, jist connect me wid a shquare meal and Oi’ll show yez phwat Oi can do in that same line, so Oi will.

Santa. Such a foolish act as that would only serve to bankrupt our kingdom. But one more question I would ask; dost ever gamble, drink or smoke?

O’Rourke. Naythur av the former sor, but on accasions whin Oi would be quite shwell Oi shmoke a cigarette or two.

Mrs. C. (to Kitty) My daughter, see what a fate thy rash infatuation would have consigned thee to.

Kitty. I’ll save him yet and reform him. That is the mission of a pretty girl; to make at least one man better. [Pg 17]

While Kitty is speaking Tableau curtain at back opens and Erin, the Goddess of Ireland, appears. She steps majestically to C. of stage.

O’Rourke. Yes, Oi want to go home, Oi want to go home; take me home—(stops suddenly) But what about Kitty?

O’Rourke. She is going to be moy woife, ain’t you Kitty, me darlint? Oi was going to make her moy queen, but Oi couldn’t even make a queen of moyself now.

Gus. Well now, that’s clevah, deucedly clevah, doncherno I believe I will emigrate myself.

O’Rourke. Yes, Oi know about them Oirish girruls; they are foine to be coorse, but they are not moine and Kitty is, and that makes all the difference in the wirruld.

Mrs. C. Kitty, you must not go. Think of your parents left languishing over your loss, living alone and childless in this land of eternal snow.

Santa. And if you must marry, why not marry Gussie? He is certainly a far handsomer and more suitable husband than this Irishman.

Gus. Oh! I say now, that’s clevah, deucedly clevah. I am agreeable and leave the matter entirely with Miss Kitty, doncherno.

Kitty. Bah! A dude lacks five points of being equal to no husband. I’ll marry a man or never wed. (sadly) Shall I go or stay? I can divide my love, but not myself, and—

TABLEAU.—Scene opens at back, showing O’Rourke dressed as in first act, with grip and cane in hand. Erin tries to lead him away. He stretches one hand imploringly toward Kitty, who moves slowly toward him and extends both her hands, one of which O’Rourke takes. Mrs. Claus rushes forward and seizes the other and tries to lead her back. Santa Claus makes a gesture commanding O’Rourke to begone.

We employ a Wig-maker especially to manufacture goods for
our trade, and can guarantee satisfaction. All
goods made under our personal supervision.

In ordering be careful to state every particular, i. e., size, color, etc.
Any wig for special character or occasion can be made to order.

MAKE YOUR OWN WIGS, BEARDS, MUSTACHES, Etc.
PREPARED WOOL IN ALL COLORS. Per oz., 50c.

TABLEAUX LIGHTS. Our Tableaux Lights are very easily used and are of the best manufacture. Plainest directions accompany each. We have the following colors: Red, Green, Blue, and White. Price each, 25 cents.

COLORED FIRE IN BULK. Put up in one-half pound packages. Price per pound, $1.75; per half pound, $1.00.

MAGNESIUM TABLEAUX LIGHTS. A metal capable of being ignited by a common match, and burning with great brilliancy. This is the best light for moonlight and statuary. Price per package, 30 cents: per dozen, $2.50.

LIGHTNING FOR PRIVATE THEATRICALS. We will send a FLASH BOX and material for this purpose, with full printed directions for their use, to any address, for 50 cents. The effect produced by it will be found all that can be desired.

BLUE. For unshaven faces. This is very necessary in low comedy characters. Price per box, 25 cents.

PREPARED BURNT CORK. For Negro minstrels. This article we can recommend, as it can be taken off as easily as put on; in which it differs from most all others manufactured. Enough for 25 performances in each box. Price per box, 40 cents.

COCOA BUTTER. This article is necessary to every lady or gentleman whether on the stage or in private life, as it smoothes the skin and keeps it from chapping. It is a very handy means of removing the make-up, as a piece of Cocoa Butter passed over the face will loosen all adhesive matter so thoroughly as to admit of being wiped off the face at once and completely. Should be used before making up. Price, 25 cents.

CARMINE. For the face, and to heighten the effect of Burnt Cork in Negro characters. Price per box, 30 cents.

PREPARED DUTCH PINK. For pale, sallow, and wan complexions. Price per box, 25 cents.

CHROME. For sallow complexions, also for lightening the eyebrows, mustaches, etc. Price per box, 25 cents.

EMAIL NOIR. To stop out teeth for old men characters, witches, etc. Price, 40 cents.

PREPARED FULLER’S EARTH. To powder the face before “making up.” Price, 30 cents.

JOINING PASTE. For joining bald fronts of wigs to forehead. Price per stick, 15 cents.

MASCARO, or WATER COSMETIQUE. For darkening the eyebrows and mustaches, without greasing them, and making them prominent. Brown or black, 60 cents.

PASTE POWDER. To enlarge the shape of the nose for low comedy characters, etc. Price per box, 30 cents.

PREPARED NOSE PUTTY. Used for the same purpose as Paste Powder and used in the same way. Price, 25 cents.

RUDDY ROUGE. For sunburnt faces. Most essential for low comedy, country or seaman’s character. Price per box, 30 cents.

SPIRIT GUM. The best in use, prepared expressly for securing mustaches, etc. Price, 25 cents.

SKIN MUSTACHE MASKS. For hiding the mustache in powder costume pieces, negress characters, etc. Price, 15 cents.

POWDERED ANTIMONY. For shading the hollows of the eyes. Price per box, 30 cents.

PREPARED WHITING. For Pantomimes, Clown’s Faces, Statuary, etc. Price per box, 25 cents.

Done up in sticks 4 inches in length at 25 cents each; 8-inch sticks, 50 cents. Lining Colors, 4 inches long, at 10 cents each, except Carmine which is 15 cents.

A box of Cream Sticks, containing the following colors: Two shades of Flesh, one Black, one Brown, one Lake, one Crimson, one White, one Carmine, and a color for Shading Wrinkles, $1.00.

It gives the right orthography of all words, (over 22,800) in common use, and in nearly every instance their definition. It also gives the right orthography of the given names of men and women, rules for the use of capitals and punctuation marks, abbreviations of names of states and territories, letters of introduction and recommendation, definition of commercial terms, forms of notes, due bills, receipts, letters of credit, orders for money, merchandise and goods stored, principal holidays, marriage anniversaries, combination of shades, and carefully selected laws of etiquette in social and business life, also a silicate slate for memorandums.

The Speller is bound in leather and indexed, and is of convenient size to be carried in vest pocket.

Reasons why this Speller and Dictionary is the most desirable book of its kind, and some of the many advantages it has over all others.

1. It gives the most complete list of words in common use.

2. It is a Speller, Dictionary, handy companion and memorandum book combined.

3. It is the only book of the kind that can be conveniently carried in the vest pocket, being the regular size of memorandum books made for that purpose.

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5. It is the only book of its kind that prints all words pronounced alike but spelled differently, so they can be distinguished at a glance.

6. It is the only book of its kind that gives the right orthography of the given names of men and women.

7. It is the only book of its kind that show where the letter E at the end of a word is to be dropped when adding ed or ing.

8. It is the only book of its kind that gives a complete list of the most practical business forms.

9. It is the only book of its kind that gives the laws of etiquette in social and business life; these rules alone are worth the price of Speller.

10. This Speller is bound in two qualities of leather and its price brings it within the reach of all, being 50 cents, bound with American Russia leather, Gilt edge and indexed. Bound with imitation Seal, red edge and not indexed, 25 cents. On receipt of Post Office Order, (for quality desired) the Speller will be prepaid to any address.

A book of useful information for Amateurs and others, written expressly
for those who are giving public entertainments—and who
wish to make their efforts successful—containing
much information never before given. Mr. Ames
has had many years experience, and in
this work gives many hints which
cannot fail to be of great
benefit to all.

If you wish to know the above, read Hints to Amateurs, it will be sent you for 15 cents per copy.

A Drama in Four Acts by D. H. Moore, Jr. Time 1 hour
7 male, 3 female characters. Costumes
modern. Scenery simple.

A good villain, two old men, country boy, Dan, the halfwit, two fine Irish parts for Biddy and Pat, leading lady and old woman, detective in search of a criminal, who at last is captured after robbing and killing the Miser, who is his own father.

A Farce in One Act, by Willard Guepner.
3 male, 2 female characters.
Time 20 minutes.

Very good afterpiece in which the characters are all good. Mr. Holiday, a banker, is in love with Mrs. Stone; Miss Prim, the dress-maker, in whose rooms the flirtation is carried on; Mr. Stone becomes jealous and goes in search of his wife; Mr. Holiday cannot escape and is transformed into an ancient maiden—Tableau.

M. Adolphe Trimadart, who on a visit to London saves the life of M. Dupraillon at a fire, for which Dupraillon is very grateful and takes Adolphe to his home in Paris—Adolphe falls in love with a young lady at a glove store unknown to Dupraillon—During Mrs. Dupraillon’s absence from the city Dupraillon accidently meets a lady—a supper at Clerbois’—an accident as he leaves the house causes him to stumble against some gentlemen whose hats are knocked off; during the scuffle the cry of “police” is heard, and he picks up, as he supposes, his own hat, but on arriving at home he discovers he has a hat with M. Durand’s card, while his hat has his own card in—His wife returns and he is afraid she will discover his adventure and supper at Clerbois’ with the lady. The three hats cause a great deal of trouble as well as amusement, as the owners, as well as others, get mixed up in the misunderstanding caused by the exchanging of hats.

An Original Farce in one scene, by Bert Richards, author of “The Colored Senators,” “Fooling with the Wrong Man,” “Cupid’s Capers,” “The Spellin’ Skew,” etc. for 4 male and 3 female characters. The situations in this piece are extremely ludicrous; Costumes to suit characters; Time of performance 40 minutes.

A Farce in two scenes, by J. E. Crary, author of “The Old Wayside Inn,” “Alma, or United at Last,” etc., for 4 male and 2 female characters. This farce is very funny and will be sure to please. Costumes modern and the time of performance is 40 minutes.

Transcriber's Notes:

The cover image was created by the transcriber, and is in the public domain.

Uncertain or antiquated spellings or ancient words were not corrected.

The illustrations have been moved so that they do not break up paragraphs and so that they are next to the text they illustrate.

Errors in punctuation and inconsistent hyphenation were not corrected unless otherwise noted.

Typographical errors have been silently corrected but other variations in spelling and punctuation remain unaltered.

Where double quotes have been repeated at the beginnings of consecutive stanzas, they have been omitted for clarity.

The heading "ACT II" after "END OF ACT I" was added by the transcriber for the sake of clarity and consistency.

*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK SANTA CLAUS' DAUGHTER: A MUSICAL CHRISTMAS BURLESQUE IN TWO ACTS ***

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NO.	DRAMAS.	M. F.
294	Arthur Eustace, 25c	10 4
2	A Desperate Game	3 2
164	After Ten Years	7 5
39	A Life’s Revenge	7 5
43	Arrah de Baugh	7 5
100	Aurora Floyd	7 2
125	Auld Robin Gray, 25c	13 8
89	Beauty of Lyons	11 2
113	Bill Detrick	7 3
226	Brac, the Poor House Girl	4 4
14	Brigands or Calabria	6 1
272	Beyond Pardon	7 5
160	Conn; or, Love’s Victory	11 3
268	Clearing the Mists	5 3
161	Dora	5 2
60	Driven to the Wall	10 3
152	Driven from Home	7 4
279	Dutch Jake	4 3
173	East Lynne	8 7
143	Emigrant’s Daughter	8 3
162	Fielding Manor	9 6
255	Gertie’s Vindication	3 3
300	Grandmother Hildebrand’s Legacy, 25c	5 4
283	Haunted by a Shadow	8 2
117	Hal Hazard, 25c	10 3
52	Henry Granden	11 8
76	How He Did It	3 2
141	Hidden Treasures	4 2
26	Hunter of the Alps	9 4
191	Hidden Hand	15 7
194	Lights and Shadows of the Great Rebellion, 25c	10 5
3	Lady of Lyons	12 5
9	Lady Audley’s Secret	6 4
261	Lost in London	6 4
46	Man and Wife	12 7
227	Maud’s Peril	5 3
211	Midnight Mistake	6 2
251	Millie, the Quadroon	4 1
163	Miriam’s Crime	5 2
91	Michael Erle	8 3
36	Miller of Derwent Water	5 2
34	Mistletoe Bough	7 3
229	Mountebanks (The)	6 2
298	New York Book Agent	7 3
223	Old Honesty	5 2
81	Old Phil’s Birthday	5 3
85	Outcast’s Wife	12 3
83	Out on the World	5 4
196	Oath Bound	6 2
29	Painter of Ghent	5 3
278	Penn Hapgood	10 3
301	Peleg and Peter, 25c	4 2
18	Poacher’s Doom	8 3
280	Pheelim O’Rookes’ Curse	8 3
5	Phyllis, the Beggar Girl	6 3
110	Reverses	12 6
45	Rock Allen	5 3
79	Spy of Atlanta, 25c	14 3
275	Simple Silas	6 3
266	Sweetbrier	11 5
144	Thekla	9 4
284	The Commercial Drummer	6 2
242	The Dutch Recruit, 25c	14 3
67	The False Friend	6 1
97	The Fatal Blow	7 1
119	The Forty-Niners	10 4
304	The General Manager	5 5
93	The Gentleman in Black	9 4
112	The New Magdalen	8 3
71	The Reward of Crime	5 3
306	The Three Hats	4 3
105	Through Snow and Sunshine	6 4
201	Ticket of Leave Man	9 3
293	Tom Blossom	9 4
193	Toodles	7 2
277	The Musical Captain	15 2
200	Uncle Tom’s Cabin	15 7
290	Wild Mab	6 2
121	Will-o’-the-Wisp	9 4
41	Won at Last	7 3
192	Zion	7 4
TEMPERANCE PLAYS.
73	At Last	7 1
75	Adrift	5 4
187	Aunt Dinah’s Pledge	6 3
254	Dot: the Miner’s Daughter	9 5
202	Drunkard (The)	13 5
185	Drunkard’s Warning	6 3
189	Drunkard’s Doom	15 5
181	Fifteen Years of a Drunkard’s Life	13 4
183	Fruits of the Wine Cup	6 3
104	Lost	6 2
146	Our Awful Aunt	4 4
53	Out in the Streets	6 4
51	Rescued	5 3
59	Saved	2 3
102	Turn of the Tide	7 4
63	Three Glasses a Day	4 2
62	Ten Nights in a Bar-Room	7 3
58	Wrecked	9 3
COMEDIES.
168	A Pleasure Trip	7 3
136	A Legal Holiday	5 3
124	An Afflicted Family	7 5
257	Caught in the Act	7 3
248	Captured	6 4
178	Caste	5 3
176	Factory Girl	6 3
207	Heroic Dutchman of ’76	8 3
199	Home	4 3
174	Love’s Labor Not Lost	3 3
158	Mr. Hudson’s Tiger Hunt	1 1
149	New Years in N. Y.	7 6
37	Not So Bad After All	6 5

White Old Man	$ 4 50
Iron Gray	4 50
Yankee	4 50
Irish	4 50
Crop, (all colors)	5 50
Fright	4 00
Negro	1 00
" (white old man)	1 50
" (gray old man)	1 50
" (with top knot)	1 50
" (wench)	5 00
Sir Peter Teazle	5 00
Shylock	4 50
Court Wig with Bag	4 50
Court wig with Tie	4 50
Paul Pry	4 50
Dundreary	5 50
Light Dress Wig, with parting	5 50
Rough Irishman	4 00
Flaxen Country Boy	3 50
Physician or Lawyer—white	5 00
Dress Wig with Eyebr’ws & Whisk’rs	5 50
Dress, without parting.	4 00
Duplex; can be worn either as male
or female Wig; very convenient;
in reality, 2 Wigs in one	6 00
Flow Wigs, long hair, suitable for
most Shakesperian characters,
Fairy Plays, &c.	5 50
Dress Scalp, with parting	5 00
Scalps	2 75
Gentlemanly Irish, with parting	5 00
Bald Wigs, grey or white,	4 50
Rip Van Winkle	4 50
Grey Dress Wig, with parting,	4 50
White " " " "	4 50
Clowns, in colors,	4 50
Plantaloon, Wig and Beard,	5 00
Robinson Crusœ	4 50
Monk	4 00
Box and Cox, 2 Wigs; each Wig	3 50
Chinaman, with Pigtail,	5 00
Dress Wig, superior,	5 00
Red and Brown bald Wigs	4 50
LADIES
Court Wig	6 50
Grand Dutchess	6 50
Lady Teazle	7 00
Marie Antonette	7 50
Mother-in-Law	5 50
Female, plain long hair, so that lady
can do up as she wishes, a really
fine wig	10 00
Nigger Crape Masks, a substitute
for blacking the face	2 00
Ladies’ Wig, blonds, light and dark,
brown and black, made up in
present fashion	6 00
Comic Old Woman’s Front Piece	$2 50

Side Whiskers & Mustache on wire	$ 1 25
Side Whiskers and Mustache on wire, superior	1 50
Side Whiskers, no Mustache, wire	1 00
Side Whiskers and Mustache, gauze	2 00
Side Whiskers and Mustache, on gauze, superior,	2 25
Side Whiskers, without Mustache, on gauze,	1 50
Side Whiskers, without Mustache on gauze, superior,	1 75
Full Beard	1 75
Full Beard, superior,	2 00
Full Beard without Mustache	1 50
Full Beard, no Mustache superior	1 75
Mustache and Chin Beard, combined	2 00
Imperials	30
Full Chin Beard	1 25
Mustaches on wire	35
" " gauze	40
CRAPE HAIR—For Making
False Whiskers, Mustaches, &c.
Colors: Black, White, Light Brown,
Dark Brown, Iron-grey and Red.
Price, per yard	25
Address,
THE AMES PUBLISHING CO.,
LOCK BOX 152 CLYDE, OHIO.

No. 1	— Very Light Flesh Color.
" 2	—Deeper Tint Flesh Color.
" 3	—Natural Flesh, }
" 4	—Rose Tint, } For Juvenile
" 5	—Deeper Shade, } Heroes.
" 6	—Healthy Sunburnt.
" 7	—Healthy Sunburnt, deeper shade.
" 8	—Sallow, for young men.
" 9	—Healthy Color, for middle age.
" 10	—Sallow, for old age.
" 11	—Ruddy.
" 12	—Olive, healthy.
" 13	—Olive, lighter shade.
" 14	—Gipsy Flesh Color.
" 15	—Othello.
" 16	—Chinese.
" 17	—Indian.
" 18	—East Indian.
" 19	—Jap.

	Male	Female
Broken Promises	6	3
Engaged	5	5
Sign of Affection	2	2
Single Life	5	5
Wanderer’s Return	6	4
By Force of Impulse	9	3
Woven Web	7	3
Darkey Wood Dealer	2	1
April Fools	3	0
Old Cronies	2	0
Popping the Question	2	4
Our Boys	6	4
Between Two Fires	8	3
Saved from the Wreck	8	3
Wanted, a Confidential Clerk	6	0
Second Sight	4	1
Under a Cloud	3	2
Imogene, or the Witch’s Secret	8	4
Strife	9	4
Tried and True	8	3
Crawford’s Claim	9	3
Old Plantation Night	4	4	25c.
Illustrated Tableaux	25 cents.
Theatrical and Tableaux Vivants for Amateurs	25 cents.
What Shall We Act	25 cents.
A Practical Guide to Private Theatricals	25 cents.
Townsend’s Amateur Theatricals	25 cents.
Helmer’s Make-Up Book, a practical and systematic
treatise on the art of making-up for the stage, with
special treatment on the use of Wigs, Beards, etc.
the make-up and its requisite material, cuts of the
different features and their management, special
character masks, etc. With special hints to ladies	25 cents.

The Project Gutenberg eBook of Santa Claus' Daughter: A Musical Christmas Burlesque in Two Acts

Santa Claus’ Daughter.

A MUSICAL CHRISTMAS
BURLESQUE

ACT I.

ACT II.

THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE

NO.	Comedies Continued.	M. F.
237	Not Such a Fool as He Looks	6 3
126	Our Daughters	8 6
265	Pug and the Baby	5 3
114	Passions	8 4
264	Prof. James’ Experience
	Teaching Country School	4 3
219	Rags and Bottles	4 1
239	Scale with Sharps and Flats	3 2
221	Solon Shingle	14 2
262	Two Bad Boys	7 3
87	The Biter Bit	3 2
131	The Cigarette	4 2
240	$2,000 Reward	2 0
TRAGEDIES.
16	The Serf	6 3
FARCES & COMEDIETTAS.
129	Aar-u-ag-oos	2 1
132	Actor and Servant	1 1
289	A Colonel’s Mishap	5 0
12	A Capital Match	3 2
303	A Kiss in the Dark	2 3
166	A Texan Mother-in Law	4 6
30	A Day Well Spent	7 5
169	A Regular Fix	2 4
286	A Professional Gardener	4 2
80	Alarmingly Suspicious	4 3
78	An Awful Criminal	3 3
31	A Pet of the Public	4 2
21	A Romantic Attachment	3 3
123	A Thrilling Item	3 1
20	A Ticket of Leave	3 2
175	Betsey Baker	2 2
8	Better Half	5 2
86	Black vs. White	4 2
22	Captain Smith	3 3
84	Cheek Will Win	3 0
287	Cousin-Josiah	1 1
225	Cupids Capers	4 4
249	Double Election	9 1
49	Der Two Surprises	1 1
72	Deuce is in Him	5 1
19	Did I Dream it	4 3
42	Domestic Felicity	1 1
188	Dutch Prize Fighter	3 0
220	Dutchy vs. Nigger	3 0
148	Eh? What Did You Say	3 1
218	Everybody Astonished	4 0
224	Fooling with the Wrong Man	2 1
233	Freezing a Mother-in-Law	2 1
154	Fun in a Post Office	4 2
184	Family Discipline	0 1
274	Family Jars	5 2
209	Goose with the Golden Eggs	5 3
13	Give Me My Wife	3 3
307	Hallabahoola, the Medicine Man	4 3
66	Hans, the Dutch J. P.	3 1
271	Hans Brummel’s Cafe	5 0
116	Hash	4 2
120	H. M. S. Plum	1 1
50	How She has Own Way	1 3
140	How He Popped the Quest’n.	1 1
74	How to Tame M-in-Law	4 2
35	How Stout Your Getting	5 2
247	Incompatibility of Temper	1 2
95	In the Wrong Clothes	5 3
305	Jacob Shlaff’s Mistake	3 2
299	Jimmie Jones	3 2
11	John Smith	5 3
99	Jumbo Jum	4 3
82	Killing Time	1 1
182	Kittie’s Wedding Cake	1 3
127	Lick Skillet Wedding	2 2
228	Lauderbach’s Little Surprise	3 0
302	Locked in a Dress-maker’s Room	3 2
106	Lodgings for Two	3 0
288	Love in all Corners	5 3
139	Matrimonial Bliss	1 1
231	Match for a Mother-in-Law	2 2
235	More Blunders than one	4 3
69	Mother’s Fool	6 1
23	My Heart’s in Highlands	4 3
208	My Precious Betsey	4 4
212	My Turn Next	4 3
32	My Wife’s Relations	4 4
186	My Day and Now-a-Days	0 1
273	My Neighbor’s Wife	3 3
296	Nanka’s Leap Year Venture	5 2
259	Nobody’s Moke	5 2
44	Obedience	1 2
33	On the Sly	3 2
57	Paddy Miles’ Boy	5 2
217	Patent Washing Machine	4 1
165	Persecuted Dutchman	6 3
195	Poor Pilicody	2 3
159	Quiet Family	4 4
171	Rough Diamond	4 3
180	Ripples	2 0
267	Room 44	2 0
48	Schnaps	1 1
138	Sewing Circle of Period	0 5
115	S. H. A. M. Pinafore	3 3
55	Somebody’s Nobody	3 2
232	Stage Struck Yankee	4 2
241	Struck by Lightning	2 2
270	Slick and Skinner	5 0
1	Slasher and Crasher	5 2
137	Taking the Census	1 1
252	That Awful Carpet Bag	3 3
40	That Mysterious B’dle	2 2
38	The Bewitched Closet	5 2
101	The Coining Man	3 1
167	Turn Him Out	3 2
291	The Actor’s Scheme	4 4
308	The Irish Squire of Squash Ridge	4 2
285	The Mashers Mashed	5 2
68	The Sham Professor	4 0
295	The Spellin’ Skewl	7 6
54	The Two T. J’s	4 2
28	Thirty-three Next Birthday	4 2
292	Tim Flannigan	5 0
142	Tit for Tat	2 1
276	The Printer and His Devils	3 1
263	Trials of a Country Editor	6 2
7	The Wonderful Telephone	3 1
281	Two Aunt Emily	0 8
269	Unjust Justice	6 2
170	U. S. Mail	2 2
213	Vermont Wool Dealer	5 3
151	Wanted a Husband	2 1
70	Which will he Marry	2 8
135	Widower’s Trials	4 5
147	Waking Him To	1 2
155	Why they Joined the Rebeccas	0 4
111	Yankee Duelist	3 1
157	Yankee Peddler	7 3
ETHIOPIAN FARCES.
204	Academy of Stars	6 0
65	An Unwelcome Return	3 1
15	An Unhappy Pair	1 1
172	Black Shoemaker	4 2
98	Black Statue	4 2
222	Colored Senators	3 0
214	Chops	3 0
145	Cuff’s Luck	2 1
190	Crimps Trip	5 0
27	Fetter Lane to Gravesend	2 0
230	Hamlet the Dainty	6 1
153	Haunted House	2 0
103	How Sister Paxey got her
	Child Baptized	2 1
24	Handy Andy	2 0
230	Hypochondriac, The	2 0
47	In the Wrong Box	3 0
77	Joe’s Visit	2 1
88	Mischievous Nigger	4 2
256	Midnight Colic	2 1
128	Musical Darkey	2 0
90	No Cure No Pay	3 1
61	Not as Deaf as He Seems	3 0
244	Old Clothes	3 0
234	Old Dad’s Cabin	2 1
150	Old Pompey	1 1
210	Othello	4 1
109	Other People’s Children	3 2
297	Pomp Green’s Snakes	2 0
134	Pomp’s Pranks	2 0
258	Prof. Bones’ Latest Invention	5 0
177	Quarrelsome Servants	3 0
96	Rooms to Let	2 1
107	School	5 0
133	Seeing Bosting	3 0
179	Sham Doctor	3 3
94	16,000 Years Ago	3 0
243	Sports on a Lark	3 0
25	Sport with a Sportsman	2 0
92	Stage Struck Darkey	2 1
238	Strawberry Shortcake	2 0
10	Stocks Up, Stocks Down	2 0
64	That Boy Sam	3 1
233	The Best Cure	4 1
282	The Intelligence Office	3 0
122	The Select School	5 0
118	The Popcorn Man	3 1
6	The Studio	3 0
108	Those Awful Boys	5 0
245	Ticket Taker	3 0
4	Twain’s Dodging	3 1
197	Tricks	5 2
198	Uncle Jeff	5 2
216	Vice Versa	3 1
206	Villkens and Dinah	4 1
210	Virginia Mummy	0 1
203	Who Stole the Chickens	1 1
205	William Tell	4 0
156	Wig-Maker and His Servants	3 0
GUIDE BOOKS.
17	Hints on Elocution
130	Hints to Amateurs
CANTATA.
215	On to Victory	4 6
TABLEAUX.
250	Festival of Days
PANTOMIME.
260	Cousin John’s Album

The Project Gutenberg eBook of Santa Claus' Daughter: A Musical Christmas Burlesque in Two Acts

Santa Claus’ Daughter. A MUSICAL CHRISTMAS BURLESQUE

ACT I.

ACT II.

THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE

Santa Claus’ Daughter.

A MUSICAL CHRISTMAS
BURLESQUE