E-text prepared by Chris Curnow, Sue Fleming,
and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team
(http://www.pgdp.net)
from page images generously made available by
Internet Archive
(http://archive.org)
OUR PEOPLE
Sketched by
CHARLES KEENE.
from the Collection of "Mr. Punch."
BOSTON,
JAMES R. OSGOOD & CO.
1881.
Our People. At Home.
Our People. Street-Life.
Our People. In the Country.
Our People. Travelling.
Our People. Professional.
Our People. Official.
Our People. In the Army.
Our People. Art and Artists.
Our People. Volunteers.
Our People. At Business.
Our People. Domestics.
Our People. Working Folk.
Our People. In Ireland.
Our People. In Scotland.
&c., &c.
Toots! theres no a Jok' i' th' 'hale beuk!
COMPANION to "OUR PEOPLE,"
ENGLISH SOCIETY AT HOME,
Society Pictures By
George Du Maurier.
JAMES R. OSGOOD & Co., PUBLISHERS.
[Pg 1a]
Mens Conscia.
Inspector (
who notices a backwardness in History). "
Who signed Magna
Charta?" (
No answer.)
Inspector (
more urgently). "
Who signed Magna Charta?" (
No answer.)
Inspector (
angrily). "
Who signed Magna Charta!!?"
Scapegrace (
Thinking matters are beginning to look serious). "
Please,
Sir, 'twasn't me, Sir!!"
[Pg 1b]
Dignity.
Club "Buttons." "
I'm at the 'Junior Peninsular' now."
Friend. "
What! Did you 'Get the Sack' from 'the Reynolds'?"
Buttons (
indignant). "
Go along with yer! 'Get the Sack!' I sent in my
Resi'nation to the C'mmittee!"
[Pg 1c]
Family Pride.
First Boy. "
My Father's a Orficer."
Second Boy. "
What Orficer?"
First Boy. "
Why, a Corporal!"
Third Boy (
evidently "comic"). "
So's my Father—he's a Orficer, too—a General, he is!"
Fourth Boy. "
Go along with yer!"
Third Boy. "
So he is—he's a General Dealer!!"
[Pg 2a]
Bad Customer.
Landlady. "
What Gentleman's Luggage is this, Sam?"
Ancient Waiter. "
Ge'tleman's Luggage, 'm! 'Or' bleshyer, no, Mum! That's
artis's traps, that is. They'll 'ave Tea here to-night, take a little
Lodgin' to-morrow, and there they'll be a Loafin about the place for
Months, doin' no Good to Nobody!"
[Pg 2b]
"March of Refinement."
Brown (
behind the Age, but hungry). "
Give me the Bill of Fare,
Waiter."
Head Waiter. "
Beg pardon, Sir?"
Brown. "
The Bill of Fare."
Head Waiter. "
The what, Sir? O!—ah!—Yes!"—(
to
Subordinate)—"
Chawles, bring
this—this—a—Gen'leman—the Menoo!!"
[Pg 2c]
Refrigerated Tourists.
Provincial Waiter. "
Ice! Gentlemen! There ain't no Ice in Autumn Time.
But it's easy to See you are Gents from London, as don't Know much about
Nature, and I don't Blame you for it, in course. But, Ice in August!"
Exit, sniggering.
[Pg 3a]
Intelligent Pet.
"
Ma, dear, what do they Play the Organ so Loud for, when 'Church' is
over? Is it to Wake us up?"
[Pg 3b]
"Durance."
Little Daughter. "
Won't they let us Out without Paying, Ma'?"
[Pg 3c]
The Mystery Solved.
Effie (
our Parson's little daughter: her first experience of "Church."
Aloud—with intense surprise). "
Pa and all the Dear little Boys, in
their Nightgowns, going to Bye-Bye!!"
[Pg 4a]
A Pledged M. P.
M. P.'s Bride "
Oh! William, dear—if you are—a Liberal—do bring in a
Bill—next Session—for that Underground Tunnel!!"
[Pg 4b]
"Perils of the Deep."
Unprotected Female (
awaking old Gent., who is not very well). "
O,
Mister, would you find the Captain? I'm sure we're in Danger! I've been
Watching the Man at the Wheel; he keeps Turning it round first One Way
and then the Other, and evidently doesn't Know his own Mind!!"
[Pg 5a]
"The Pink of Fashion."
"
Our Flower Show was a Decided Success this year, and Little Fidkins in
an Embroidered Floral Waistcoat was Killing!"
[Pg 5b]
The Bird Show.
That Charming Gal with the blue feather (
to Prize Canary). "
Sweety,
dear!"
Comic Man (
"Dolcissimo con Brio," from the other side of the
pedestal). "
Yes, Ducky!"
Utterly ruining the hopes, and taking the wind out o' the sails of his
tall friend (serious man), who had been spoonying about her all the
afternoon, and thought he had made an impression!
[Pg 5c]
"Trying."
Happy Swain (
she has "named the day"). "
And now, dearest Edith, that
is all settled. With regard to Jewellery, my Love; would you like a Set
in plain Gold, or——"
Edith (
economical and courageous, and who suffers a good deal from
toothache). "
Oh, Augustus, now you ask me—do you
know—I—really—but—Mr. Clinch told me yesterday that he could extract
all I have, and put in a beautiful new Set for only Fifteen Guineas!!"
[Pg 6a]
Common Prudence.
Snob. "
Oh, let's get out o' this Mob, 'arry! they'll think we're a goin'
to Church!"
[Pg 6b]
The Triumphs of Temper.
Fare (
out of patience at the fourth "jib" in a Mile). "
Hi, this won't
do! I shall get out!"
Cabby (
through the trap, in a whisper). "
Ah thin, Sor, niver mind her!
Sit still! Don't give her the Satisfaction av knowin' she's got rid av
ye!!"
[Pg 7a]
"For Better for Worse."
Our friend Bagnidge (hasn't a rap) has just married the widow (rich) of
old Harlesden the stockbroker.
Mrs. B. (
Retiring). "
Shall I send my Poppet his Slippers?"
Mr. B. "
N-n-n-n-o—not at Present, Thanks!" (
Sotto voce to his guest
when the door was closed.) "
Not so fond of having the Muzzles on my
Feet at Eight o'clock in the Evening, you know, Barney!!"
[Pg 7b]
A Half Truth.
Guard (
of the Fatuous Railway Company, that still forbids tobacco).
"
Strong Smell of Smoke, Sir!"
Passenger (
his cigar covered by his newspaper). "
Ya-as; the Party who
has just got out has been Smoking furiously!!"
[Pg 7c]
Poor Humanity!
Bride. "
I think—George, dear—I should—be better—if we Walked
about——"
Husband (
one wouldn't have believed it of him). "
You can Do as you
like, Love. I'm very well(!) as I am!!"
[Pg 8a]
Family Ties.
(
Respec'fully dedicated to Mr. Punch's excellent friends at the
Egyptian Hall—M. and C.)
Aunt. "
Gracious Goodness! What are you doing in my Cupboard, you naughty
boys?"
Jacky. "
Oh, aunt, we're playing 'masculine and cook'! I tie him to the
chair, and when the door's opened his hands are free. Then he does me!!"
[Pg 8b]
"Prevention Better than Cure."
Jeames (
excitedly). "
Here—Here—Here's the Shillin'!
Quick—Quick—Off with you!"
German Impostor (
affecting concern). "
Dere is some vun Ill?"
Jeames. "
Well, not just yet! But there precious soon will be, if you
don't Knock Off!"
[Pg 9a]
The Roll-Call.
Sergeant. "
Alister McAlister!"
Answer. "
Hamisho!"
Sergeant. "
Donal' McBean!"
Answer. "
Hamisho!"
Sergeant. "
Peter McKay!"
Answer. "
Hamisho!"
Sergeant. "
John Smith!"
Answer. "
Here, Sir!"
Sergeant (
with a Sniff). "
Ugh! 'English Pock-Pudding'"!!
[Pg 9b]
Gentility in Greens.
(
Mrs. Brown finds Sandymouth a very different place from what she
remembers it years ago!)
Greengrocer. "
Cabbage, Mum!? We don't keep no Second-Class Vegetables,
Mum. You'll get it at the Lower End o' the Town!"
[Pg 9c]
Plain to Demonstration.
Customer (
nervously). "
Ah! they must be very Irksome at first."
Dentist (
exultantly). "
Not a bit of it, Sir! Look here, Sir!"
(
Dexterously catching his entire set.) "
Here's my Uppers, and here's
my Unders!"
[Pg 10a]
Unprejudiced!
Swell (
at the R. A. Exhibition). "
Haw! 've you any Idea—w what
Fellaw's Pictu-ars we're to Admi-are this Ye-ar!!!?"
[Pg 10b]
A Kind Son.
Paterfamilias (
to his Eldest Son, who is at Bartholomew's). "
George,
these are uncommonly good Cigars! I can't afford to Smoke such expensive
Cigars as these."
George (
grandly). "
Fill your Case—fill your Case, Gov'ner!!"
[Pg 10c]
Crass Ignorance.
First Swell. "
Let's see—To-Morrow's——What's t'day, byth'by?"
Second Swell. "
Tuesday, isn't it?—or Monday?—was yest'day Sunday? Ne'
mind—(
yawns)—
my Man'll be here Pwesently—pwecious shwewd
Fellow—'Tell us like a Shot!!"
[Pg 11a]
A Change in the Weather.
Paterfamilias (
with a sigh: his family have been to Boulogne for the
holidays). "
It's all up!"
Bachelor Friend (
who has enjoyed these little Dinners). "
What's the
Matter?"
Paterfamilias. "
Telegram! She says they've Arrived safe at Folkestone,
and will be Home about 10·30!"
[Pg 11b]
"Res Angustæ Domi."
Family Man. "
Where do you go this Year, Jinnings?"
Bachelor (
in a sketchy manner). "
Oh—Baden for a few weeks, and the
Whine, Belgium—p'waps get as far's Viennah! Where 'you off to?"
Family Man. "
Oh, I suppose I shall take the Old Woman down to
Worthing—as usual!"
And he says this in anything but a sprightly manner—which was weak
and injudicious.
[Pg 12a]
Irish Ingenuity.
Saxon Tourist. "
What on Earth are you Lowering the Shafts for?"
(
He has just found out that this manœuvre is gone through at every ascent.)
Car-Driver. "
Shure, yer 'onner, we'll make 'm B'lave he's Goin' Down
Hill!"
[Pg 12b]
Scrupulous.
Shepherd. "
O, Jims, Mun! Can ye no gie a whustle on tha Ram'lin' Brute
o' mine? I daurna mysel'; it's just Fast-Day in oor Parish!!"
[Pg 13a]
A Game Two can Play at.
Guard (
to Excited Passenger at the Edinburgh Station, just as the Train
is Starting). "
Ye're too Late, Sir. Ye canna Enter."
Stalwart Aberdonian. "
A' maun!"
Guard (
holding him back). "
Ye canna!"
Aberdonian. "
Tell ye a' maun—a' weel!" (
Gripping Guard.) "
If a'
maunna, ye sanna!!!"
[Pg 13b]
Decimals on Deck.
Irish Mate. "
How manny iv ye down ther-re?!"
Voice from the Hold. "
Three, Sor!"
Mate. "
Thin Half iv ye come up here Immadiately!!"
[Pg 13c]
More "Revenge for the Union."
Saxon Tourist (
at Irish Railway Station). "
What Time does the
Half-Past Eleven Train Start, Paddy?"
Porter. "
At Thrutty Minutes to Twilve—sharrup, Sor!"
Tourist retires up, discomfited.
[Pg 14a]
The Ulster.
Schoolboy (
to Brown, in his new great-coat). "
Yah! Come out of it!
D'you think I don't see yer!!"
[Pg 14b]
"Silence is Golden."
Chatty Old Gent. "
Have you Long Hours, he-ar, Portar?"
Railway Porter (
whose Temper has been spoilt). "
Same as anywheres
else, I s'pose—Sixty Minutes!"——(
Bell rings, Railway Porter touches
up Old Gent's favourite corn, and rushes off!)
Old Gent. "
Ph—o—o—o—o—!"
[Pg 14c]
Barometrical.
Draper. "
Light Summer Dress? Yes, M'm. Sold a great many the last few
days, M'm, the Weather havin' risen from a French Merino to a
Grenadine!"
[Pg 15a]
A Family Man.
Cabby. "
Vy, I'm a Father of a Fam'ly myself, Mum,—not so 'andsome as
your little Dears, Mum, I don't say,—an' d'you think I'd go for to
overcharge for 'em? Not I, Mum! Not a Sixpence, bless their little
'earts!" &c., &c.
Claim allowed.
[Pg 15b]
Unconscionable.
Head of the Firm. "
Want a Holiday!? Why, you've just been at Home Ill
for a Month!"
[Pg 15c]
A Narcotic.
Doctor. "
Look here, Mrs. McCawdle. Don't give him any more Physic. A
sound Sleep will do him more Good than Anything."
Gudewife. "
E-h, Docthor, if we could only Get him tae the Kirk!!"
[Pg 16a]
The Connoisseur.
Host (
smacking his lips). "
There, my Boy, What do you Think of that? I
thought I'd give you a Treat. That's '34 Port, Sir!"
Guest. "
Ah! and a very nice, sound Wine, I should say! I believe it's
quite as Good as some I gave 37s. for the other Day."
[Pg 16b]
Awful Warning!
Guest (
at City Company Dinner.) "
I'm uncommonly Hungry!"
Ancient Liveryman (
with feeling). "
Take Care, my dear Sir, for
Goodness' Sake, take Care! D'you know it Happened to me at the last Lord
Mayor's Dinner to Burn my Tongue with my first Spoonful of Clear Turtle;
'consequence was—(
sighs)—'
couldn't Taste at all—anything—for the
rest of the Evening!!"
[Pg 16c]
The Sausage Machine.
Cook (
in a fluster). "
O 'f y' please, 'm, no wonder the Flaviour o'
them Sassengers wasn't to-rights, 'm, which I've jest now ketched Master
Alfred a cuttin' his 'Cavendish' in the Machine!"
[Pg 17a]
Just in Time.
Veteran Piscator. "
Hech! but yon's a Muckle Fesh loupin' ahint
me!"——(
It was lucky he looked round!—his Friend from London had
preferred Sketching on the Banks, had stumbled over a Boulder, and "Gone
a Header" into a deep hole. He was gaffed at his last kick!)
[Pg 17b]
Words and Weights.
Angler. "
Deuced odd, Donald, I can't get a Fish over Seven Pounds, when
they say Major Grant above us killed half a dozen last Week that turned
Twenty Pounds apiece!"
Donald. "
Aweel, Sir, it's no that muckle odds i'th' Sawmon,—but thae
Fowk up the Watter is bigger Leears than we are doon here!"
[Pg 18a]
"Mal Apropos."
Rector's Wife. "
Well, Venables, how do you think we Sold the Jersey
Cow?"
Venables. (
Factotum and Gardener) "
Well, M'm, Master Byles has got the
Better o' we a many Times, but—(
proudly)—
I think as we a' done he
to-rights this Turn!!"
"
So awkward! and before the Archdeacon, too!"
[Pg 18b]
"A Slip o' the Tongue."
Yachting Biped. "
Then you'll Look us up at Primrose 'ill?"
New Acquaintance (
gentlemanly man). "
Oh, yes—near the 'Zoo,' isn't
it? We often drop in and have a Look at the Monkeys!"
[Pg 18c]
Confession in Confusion.
Priest. "
Now, tell me, Doolan, truthfully, how often do you go to
Chapel?"
Pat. "W
ill, now, shure oi'll till yer Riv'rence the Trut'. Faix, I go as
often I can avoid!"
[Pg 19a]
The New Running Drill.
(
A respectful appeal to His Royal Highness the Commander-in-Chief.)
Captain Bluard, as he appeared in Command of his Company.
[Pg 19b]
Our Military Manœuvres.
Irish Drill-Sergeant (
to Squad of Militiamen). "
Pr's'nt
'Rrms!"—(
Astonishing result.)—"
Hiv'ns! what a 'Prisint'! Jist stip
out here now, an' look at yersilves!!"
[Pg 20a]
The Race not yet Extinct.
Country Excursionist (
just landed at G. W. Terminus). "
Could you
inform me what these 'ere Busses charge from Paddington to the Bank?"
Dundreary (
with an effort). "
Au-h, po' m'Soul, haven't an Idea-h!
Never wode 'n one in m'Life! Should say a mere Twifle! P'waps a
Shilling, or Two Shillings. 'Don't think the Wascals could have the
Conscience to charge you more than Thwee Shillings! 'Wouldn't pay more
than Four! I'd see 'em at the D-D-Doo-ooce!"
[Pg 20b]
A Dilemma.
Party (
overcome by the heat of the Weather). "
Hoy! Cab!"
Driver. "
All Right, Sir, if you'll just Walk to the Gate."
Party. "
O, Bother! Walking to 'Gate!"
Driver. "
Well, Sir, if you can't get through, I don't see how I can get
over!"
[Pg 20c]
Adjustment.
Bootmaker (
who has a deal of trouble with this Customer). "
I think,
Sir, if you were to Cut your Corns, I could more easily find you a
Pair——"
Choleric Old Gentleman. "
Cut my Corns, Sir!—I ask you to Fit me a Pair
o' Boots to my Feet, Sir!—I'm not going to Plane my Feet down to Fit
your Boots!!!"
[Pg 21a]
A Mine of Speculation.
Dealer (
to Wavering Customer). "
Well, of Course we all Know that—he's
got 'is Bad Points an' 'is Good Points; but what I say is, there's no
Deception about 'is Bad Points—we can See 'em. But we can't none of us
Tell 'ow many Good Points he may 'ave till we comes to Know 'im!!"
The
"Party" took time to consider.
[Pg 21b]
"Argumentum ad Hominem!"
Dealer. "
I know you don't like his 'Ead, and I allow he ain't got a
purty 'Ead; but Lor'—now look at Gladstone, the cleverest Man in all
England!—and look at 'is 'Ead"!!!
[Pg 22a]
Veneration.
Lodger. "
I shall not Dine at Home to-day, Ma'am, but I've a Friend
coming this Evening. If you could Give us Something Nice for Supper——"
Landlady (
Low Church). "
Would you like the Remainder of the Cold
Turkey—ah ('
feels a delicacy')—
hem! Beelze-bubbed, Sir?"
[Pg 22b]
A Soft Answer.
Irascible Old Gent. "
Waiter! This Plate is quite Cold!"
Waiter. "
Yessir, but the Chop is 'ot, Sir, which I think you'll find
it'll Warm up the Plate nicely, Sir!"
[Pg 22c]
Seasonable Luxury.
Old Gent (
disgusted). "
Heck, Waiter! Here's a—here's
a—a—Caterpillar in this Chop!"
Waiter (
flippantly). "
Yessir. About the time o' Year for 'em just now,
Sir!"
[Pg 23a]
Education!
Papa (
improving the occasion at Luncheon). "
Now, look, Harry, the
circumference of this Cake is equal to about three times the diameter,
and——"
Harry. "
Oh, then, Pa', let me have the c'cumf'rence for my Share!!"
[Pg 23b]
Cricket!
Uncle. "
Well, Tom, and what have you Done in Cricket this Half?"
Tom. "
Oh, bless you, Uncle, we've been 'nowhere,' this Season; all our
best 'Men,' you know, were Down with the Measles!"
[Pg 23c]
Treacherous Confederate.
Uncle George (
who has been amusing the Young People with some clever
Conjuring). "
Now, Ladies and Gentlemen, you saw me Burn the
Handkerchief.—Would you be Surprised to Find—(
Roars of Laughter)—
I
shall produce the Orange our Young Friend here was so Obliging as to
offer to Take Care of, and Inside which, I've no doubt, we shall Find
the Shilling?!"
[Pg 24a]
Breaking the Ice.
Sprightly Lady. "
Mr. Dormers, would you Oblige me with——"
Bashful Curate (
who had scarcely spoken to his Fair Neighbour). "
O,
certainly. What shall I have the Pleasure to Offer?——"
Lady. "——
A Remark!!"
[Pg 24b]
The First Sermon.
Aunt. "
Well, Daisy, how did you like 'Church' yesterday?"
Daisy. "
O, Aunty, they were all so Quiet and looked so Cross, I thought
I must 'a' screamed!!"
[Pg 24c]
"Sweet is Revenge, Especially to Women!"
Captain Ogleby, who annoys the Miss Lankysters so much on the Promenade
by his obtrusive Admiration, is discovered early one Morning, by his
exultant Victims, in the act of having an "Easy Shave" in the somewhat
limited Premises of the Village Figaro.
[Pg 25a]
Desperate Case!
M. A. (
endeavouring to instil Euclid into the mind of Private Pupil
going into the Army). "
Now, if the Three Sides of this Triangle are all
Equal, what will Happen?"
Pupil (
confidently). "
Well, Sir, I should Say the Fourth would be
Equal, too!!"
[Pg 25b]
Exchange!
Togswell (
in the Washing Room at the Office, proceeding to dress for
the De Browney's Dinner-Party). "
Hullo! What the Dooce"—(
Pulling out,
in dismay, from black bag, a pair of blue flannel Tights, a pink striped
Jersey, and a spiked canvas Shoe.)—"
Confound it! Yes!—I must have
taken that Fellow's Bag who said he was going to the Athletic Sports
this Afternoon, and he's got mine with my Dress Clothes!!"
[Pg 25c]
A Degenerate Son.
The Governor (
indignantly). "
George, I'm Surprised at you! I should
have Thought you Knew better! It's Disgraceful! Is it for this I've paid
Hundreds of Pounds to give you an University Education, that you
should——"
Son and Heir (
with cigar). "
Why—what have I done, Governor?"
The Governor. "
Done? Dared to Smoke, Sir, while you are Drinking my '34
Port!!"
[Pg 26a]
Lucid!
Irish Sergeant (
to Squad at Judging-Distance Drill). "
Now, ye'll pay
the greatest of Attintion to the Man at Eight Hundred Yar-rds: becase,
if ye can't see 'm, ye'll be deceived in his 'Apparance!!"
[Pg 26b]
The Riding Lesson.
Riding Master (
to Sub, who is qualifying himself for the Punjaub
Cavalry). "
If Yer 'Ead was only turned the other way, What a Splendid
Chest you'd 'ave, Mr. Bowdrib!"
[Pg 27a]
Look before you Leap.
Middle-Aged Uncle. "
Not Proposed to her yet! Why, what a
shilly-shallying Fellow you are, George! You'll have that little Widow
snapped up from under your Nose, as sure as you're born! Pretty Gal like
that—nice little Property—evidently likes you—with an Estate in the
Highlands, too, and you a Sporting Man——"
Nephew. "
Ah! That's where it is, Uncle! Her Fishing's good, I know; but
I'm not so Sure about her Grouse!"
[Pg 27b]
No Mistake, this Time.
Lodger. "
Dear me, Mrs. Cribbles, your Cat's been at this Mutton again!"
Landlady. "
Oh no, Mum, it can't be the Cat. My 'Usband says he b'lieves
it's the Collerlarda Beetle!"
[Pg 27c]
State o' Trade.
Small Girl. "
Please, Mrs. Greenstough, Mother says will you Give her a
Lettuce?"
Mrs. G. "
Give?! Tell thee Mother Giv'um's dead, and Lendum's very bad.
Nothink for Nothink 'ere, and Precious Little for Sixpence!!"
[Pg 28a]
"Let Well Alone!"
Swell. "
Ah—what's your Fare to Hampstead by the—ah—New Law?!"
Cabby. "
Oh, I don't Know nothin' 'bout no New Laws, Sir!—same Old Fare,
Sir—'Leave it to you,' Sir!"
[Pg 28b]
"Le Jeu ne Vaut pas la Chandelle."
Old Gent (
having had to pay twice). "
But I'm positive I handed you the
Money! It may probably have dropped down the slit in the Door!"
Conductor. "
Slit in the Door!—Well, 'tain't likely I'm goin' to turn
the Bus upside-down for Sixpence!"
[Pg 29a]
"Tho' Lost to Sight——"
Aunt Jemima (
from the country—her first experience of a "Hansom").
"
Hoy! Hoy! Stop the Horse! Where's the Coachman!"
[Pg 29b]
Precise.
Driver (
impatient). "
Now, Bill, what's it all about?"
Conductor. "
Ge'tleman wants to be put down at No. 20 A in Claringdon
Square, fust Portico on the Right after you pass the 'Red Lion,' private
Entrance round the Corner!"
Driver. "
O, certainly! Ask the Ge'tleman if we shall Drive Up-stairs,
an' set 'im down at 'is Bed-Room Door in the Three-Pair Back?"
[Pg 30a]
An Extensive Order.
"
O, please, Miss, will you give us two 'A'pennies for a Penny, and gi'
me a Drink o' Water, an' tell us the Right Time? An' Father wants a
Pipe; and lend Mother yesterday's 'Tizer."!!!
[Pg 30b]
"No such Luck."
Young Lady. "
Is it Hungry, then? Come along, little Darling, it shall
have its Dinner."
Street-Sweeper (
overhearing, and misapplying). "
Here y'are, Miss!
Right you are! I jest am!"
Ah! but it was Fido she was speaking to!
[Pg 30c]
"'Tis Better not to Know."
Impudent Boy (
generally). "
Try yer Weight—only a Penny!" (
To Lady of
commanding proportions in particular.)
"Tell yer 'xact Weight to a
Hounce, Mum!"
[Pg 31a]
Vested Interests.
Sweeper. "
If you don't get off my Crossin', I'll 'ev your Number!"
[Pg 31b]
"Chaff."
Apple-Stall Keeper (
to the Boys). "
Now, then, what are you Gaping at?
What do you Want?"
Street Boy. "
Nothin'."
Apple-Stall Keeper. "
Then Take it, and be Off!"
Street Boy. "
Very Well: Wrap it up for us in a Piece o' Paper!"
Bolts.
[Pg 31c]
"Is It Possible?!"
Swell (
lecturing Juvenile Member of Manufacturing Centre). "
You should
always—ah—Touch your Hat to a Gentleman——"
Factory Lad. "
Please, Sir, I didn't Know as yer was one!!"
[Pg 32a]
A Panic in the Kitchen.
Facetious Page. "
Now, then, here's the Census, and Master's ordered me
to Fill it up. I've put down your Ages within a Year or so, and you're
to 'return' your Follerers, if any, how many, and state 'P'lice or
Military,' Fees and Tips from Tradesmen and Wisitors 'per Ann.,' Price
o' Kitchen-Stuff, Average o' Breakages, &c., &c."
[Pg 32b]
Proof Positive.
Mistress. "
Your Character is Satisfactory, but I'm very particular about
one thing: I wish my Servants to have plenty, but I don't allow any
Waste."
Page. "
Oh, no, 'M, which I'd Eat and Drink till I Busted, 'M, rather
than Waste anythink, 'M!!"
[Pg 33a]
"Qualifications."
Painter (
who has always been ambitious of "writing himself down an
R. A."). "
Think they might have Elected me, having Exhibited and had my
Name down all these Years! I might have——"
Friend (
Man o' the World). "
My dear Fellow, I've always told you, you
don't go the Right Way to Work. You see they could only Elect you for
your Painting, for——why do you wear such Thick Boots?!!"
[Pg 33b]
Temptation.
Painter. "
You don't mean to Say you want Me to Sign it, when I tell you
I did not Paint it? And a Beastly Copy it is, too!"
Picture-Dealer. "
Vy not, goot Sir? vy not? Tut! tut! tut! I only vish
you Artis's vos Men of Bis'ness!"
[Pg 33c]
"Spoiling It."
Lord Dabbley. "
Wa-al, Streaky, why I've heard—ah—you're not going
to—(
yawns)—
have a Pict-yar at the Exhibition!"
Streaky, R. A. "
Haw, very probably not, m'Lord. Well, I think it
only—ah—graceful, m'Lord, we should occasionally forego our privileged
space for the sake of our younger painters—ah! Besides—I question if I
shall be able to finish my Public Portraits in time this ye-ar!"
[Pg 34a]
Particular!
Young Mumford (
airily, having learnt that the Lady comes from his part
of the country). "
Dessay you know the Cadgebys of Bilchester?—Awfully
Jolly People! I——"
Haughty Beauty. "
Oh no, we only visit the County Families and we Weed
them!!"
Her partner wishes this "First Set" was "The Lancers."
[Pg 34b]
Vivifying Treatment of a Partner.
(
A Tragedy of the last Harrogate Season.)
Young Lady (
to Partner, instantly on their taking their Places).
"
Now——I've been to Fountains Abbey, and to Bolton, and I've seen the
Brimham Rocks, and the Dropping Well, and the View from the Observatory,
and we had a Morning in York Minster, and we have been here a Fortnight,
and we are going to Stay another, and Papa takes the Chalybeate Waters,
and I am very Glad the Cavalry are coming. Now you may begin
Conversation."
Utter Collapse of Partner.
[Pg 35a]
Arbiter Elegantiarum.
Housemaid. "
Oh, please, 'M, could I go out this Evening? 'cause Cook
nex' Door's got a 'Lang'age o' Flowers Bee,' and she's requested me to
be one o' the Judges!"
[Pg 35b]
"The Servants."
Cook. "
Then, shall you go as 'Ousemaid?"
Young Person. "
No, indeed! If I go at all, I go as Lady 'Elp!"
[Pg 35c]
"Hard Lines."
Mistress (
to former Cook). "
Well, Eliza, what are you doing now?"
Ex-Cook. "
Well, Mum, as you wouldn't give me no Character, I've been
obliged to Marry a Soldier!"
[Pg 36a]
"Not to Put too Fine a Point on It."
Transatlantic Party. "
Look 'ere, Waiter! Change this Knife for a
Pea-eater. Stranger and me air on different Platforms, and I might hurt
him."
[Pg 36b]
"Never Say 'Die'"
Nephew. "
Sure it isn't Gout, Uncle?"
Uncle. "
Gout! Shtuff an' Nonshensh! Not a bit of it! No, Fact
is—Phew—(
winces)
these con-founded Bootmakers—they make your Boots
so Tight!!"
[Pg 36c]
"Ingenuas Didicisse" &c.
Urbane Foreigner. "
The—ah—Contemplation of these—ah—Relics of
Ancient Art in the Galleries of Europe, must be most Int'r'sting to
the—ah—Educated American!"
American Tourist. "
Wa'al, don't seem to care much for these Stone Gals
somehow, Stranger!"
[Pg 37a]
A Plutocrat.
Swell. "
'D you oblige me—ah—by Shutting your Window?—ah——"
Second Passenger (
politely). "
Really, Sir, if you will not Press it,
as yours is Shut, the Air is so Warm I would rather keep this Open. You
seem to take great Care of yourself, Sir——"
Swell. "
Care of myself! Should wather think so. So would you, my dear
Fel-lah, if you'd Six Thousand a Ye-ar!!"
[Pg 37b]
"Matter!"
Portly Old Swell (
on reading Professor Tyndall's Speech). "
Dear me! Is
it poss'ble! Most 'xtr'ord'nary!—(
throws down the Review)—
that I
should have been originally a 'Primordial Atomic Globule'!!"
[Pg 37c]
A Final Appeal.
"
Now, Gentlemen of the Jury, I throw myself upon your impartial
Judgement as Husbands and Fathers, and I confidently ask, Does the
Prisoner look like a Man who would Knock down and Trample upon the Wife
of his Bosom? Gentlemen, I have done!"
[Pg 38a]
Division of Labor.
Facetious Volunteer Sub. "
Look here, Captain; I'm tired of this Fun. Do
you mind looking after the Men while I go and get taken Prisoner?"
[Pg 38b]
"Off."
Sergeant O'Leary. "
Double! Left! Right! What the Blazes, Pat Rooney,
d'ye mane by not Doublin' wid the Squad!?"
Pat. "
Shure, Sergeant, 'twasn't a fair Start!"
[Pg 39a]
"Where Ignorance is Bliss" &c.
Frugal Housewife (
has a large Family). "
Oh, Mr. Stickings, I see by
the Daily Papers that the Price of Meat has Fallen Twopence a Pound. I
think you ought to make some Reduction in your Charges!"
Country Butcher. "
Werry Sorry, Mum, but we don't take in no Daily
Papers, Mum!!"
[Pg 39b]
Complimentary.
Collier (
about the Dog). "
Yes, Sir, aw got him in Manchester, Yonder,
an' Doctor aw's going t' ax ye, hey y' ony objection tin us Namin' him
efther Ye?!"
Young Medical Man (
rather pleased). "
Oh, Dear no, by all Means—'don't
know about the Compliment, though, he's not a Beauty to look at!"
Collier. "
Mebbees not, Doctor; but—Smash!—Mun, he's a Beggar to
Kill!!"
[Pg 39c]
"(Not) Thankful for Small Mercies"
Cat's-Meat Man. "
What 'a yer got for Dinner to-day, Joe?"
Crossing-Sweeper. "
Oh, a bit o' Roast Weal, sent me up from No. 6 in the
Crescent 'ere—an' yer wouldn't b'lleve it!—not a mossel o' Stuffin—ah, an' not so much as a Slice o'
Lemon!—and (
with a sneer)
calls theirselves Respect'ble People, I've
no doubt!!"
[Pg 40a]
Delicacy.
Edwin (
as the Servant is present). "
Ah—j'ettay see—ah—disappointay
de ne pas voo vwore a la Rink ce Mattang—poorqwaw esker——?"
Angelina. "
Ah wee, mais Mommong——"
Parlour-Maid. "
Hem! Beg your Pardon, Miss; but I understand the
Langvidge!!"
[Pg 40b]
"The Servants."
Mistress. "
Jane, tell Cook I'll come down and See what she wants done to
that Stove, as the Builder's coming to-morrow."
Jane. "
O, please, 'um, I don't think we can Ast you into the Kitching to
Day, Mum, as Cook and me's got a Small and Early 'at Ome' this
Afternoon, Mum!"
[Pg 41a]
Retributive Justice.
Farmer (
giving the Culprit a Box o' the Ear). "
How dare you Beat those
Goslins, you young Rascal? I saw you!"
Boy. "
Boo, oo, oo, what furr'd they Gors-chicks Feyther boite oi then
furr?!"
[Pg 41b]
"By the Card."
Pedestrian. "
How far is it to Sludgecombe, Boy?"
Boy. "
Why 'bout twenty 'underd theausan' Mild 'f y' goo 's y'are agooin'
now, an' 'bout Half a Mild 'f you turn right reaound an' goo t' other
way!!"
[Pg 41c]
In Jeopardy.
The new Boy was enjoined to be very Careful how he carried the
Fiddle-Case—"By the Handle, and to mind not to Knock it against
anything!" Imagine the Horror of Mr. Pitsey Carter, his Master, who was
following, to come upon the Rascal, with the Invaluable "Joseph" on his
Head, executing a Pas-seul over a Skipping-Rope!!
[Pg 42a]
Heresy.
Mamma. "
You know who Built the Ark, George?"
George (
promptly). "
Noah, 'Ma."
Mamma. "
And what did he Build it for?"
George (
dubiously). "
For little Boys to Play with, 'Ma?!"
[Pg 42b]
"Oh, the Mistletoe Bough!"
Greengrocer, Jun. (
to whom our Little Friend in Velvet had applied for
a piece of Mistletoe for his own private diversion). "
I've got yer a
bit, Master George. It ain't a very big Piece, but there's lots o'
Berries on it; an' it's the Berries as does it"!!!
[Pg 43a]
Culture for the Working Classes.
Philanthropic Employer (
who has paid his Workpeople's expenses to a
neighbouring Fine-Art Exhibition). "
Well, Johnson, what did you think
of it? 'Pick up an Idea or two?"
Foreman. "
Well, yer see, Sir, it were a this Way. When us got there, we
was a considerin' what was best to be done, so we app'inted a
Deppertation o' Three on us to see what it were like; an' when they come
out an' said it were only Picturs an' such, we thought it a pity to
Spend our Shillins on 'em. So we went to the Tea-Gardens, and wery
Pleasant it were, too. Thank yer kindly, Sir!"
[Pg 43b]
A Casual Acquaintance.
West-End Man (
addressing, as he supposes, Intelligent Mechanic). "
Can
you Direct me to the Moorgate Street Station?"
Seedy Party. "
Mo'rgate Street Station, Sir? Straight on, Sir, fust
Turnin' t' the Right, and it's just opposyte. And now, you've
interdooced the Subject, Sir, if you could Assist me with a Trifle, Sir,
which I've 'ad nothin' to Eat since last Friday——"
West-End Man not having an answer ready, forks out, and exit.
[Pg 43c]
"Circumlocutory!"
Polite Coster (
seeing Smoke issuing from Brown's coat-pocket). "
You'll
excuse me addressin' o' you, Sir,—Common Man in a manner o'
Speakin'—Gen'leman like you, Sir—beggin' Pardon for takin' the
Liberty, which I should never a' thought o' doin' under ordinary
Succumstances, Sir, on'y you didn't seem to be Aware on it, but it
Struck me as I see you a Goin' along, as you were A-FIRE, Sir!"
By this time Brown's right coat-tail was entirely consumed. His fuzees
had ignited by private arrangement among themselves.
[Pg 44a]
Alarming.
Buttons (
as he burst into his Master's room on the night of Wednesday,
the 7th: he had just seen that wonderful shooting star). "
Oh, please,
Sir, them Meteors is a goin' off ag'in!!"
Scientific Old Gent (
startled out of his first sleep, and
misunderstanding the intelligence). "
Oh!—eh!—what!—Turn it off at
the Main!!"
[Pg 44b]
Weights and Measures.
Valetudinarian (
in the course of Conversation with intelligent
Passenger, whom he takes to be a Dignitary of the Church). "
Now, what
should you think was my Weight?"
Gentleman in Black. "
Well, Sir—let me see—you stand about Five Feet
Eleven, Thirty Inches across Chest, and we'll say Eleven Inches
deep—well, I should say, speaking at random, you would 'Lift' at about
Eleven Stun' and Three Quarters!"
Horror of Invalid—his fellow-passenger was an Undertaker!
[Pg 44c]
"Small Mercies."
First Jolly Angler (
with empty Creel). "
Well, we've had a very
pleasant Day! What a delightful Pursuit it is!"
Second Ditto (
with ditto). "
Glorious! I shan't forget that Nibble we
had just after Lunch, as long as I live!"
Both. "
Ah!!"
[Pg 45a]
Tyranny.
First Rough. "
We're a goin' to be Edgicated now, c'mpulsory, or else go
to the Treadmill!"
Second Rough. "
Ah! no Vunder so many poor People's a Emigratin'!"
[Pg 45b]
A Perfect Cure.
Town Man. "
How Jolly it must be, Living down here in the Country!"
Country Gentleman. "
Oh, I don't know. It's rather Torpid sort of Life;
Time passes very Slowly."
Town Man. "
Time passes Slowly? You should get Somebody to Draw on you at
Three Months!!"
[Pg 45c]
In Consequence of the Tailors' Strike.
GEORGE AND THE GOVERNOR HAVE THEIR CLOTHES MADE AT HOME.
George. "
Are you sure you took my Right Measure, Charlotte?"
Charlotte. "
Oh, George, I'm sure it Fits Beautifully!!"
[Pg 46a]
"As Well as Can be Expected."
Horsey Parish Doctor (
late for the Meet). "
Well, Mother, and how's
your Daughter, and the Babby—Poorly, eh? Ah, well, give him a Pinch o'
Brimstone in his Pap, and I'll look in to-morrow."
[Pg 46b]
Penny Wise.
National Schoolmaster (
going round with Government Inspector).
"
Wilkins, how do you bring Shillings into Pence?"
Pupil. "
Please, Sir, 'takes it round to the Public-'Ouse, Sir!!"
[Pg 46c]
Reminiscences.
Governess. "
Show Mr. Smithers your New Doll, Ada."
Old Rustic. "
Ah—Lor'—deary me, Mum, if it ain't the very Modal of my
Old Woman when she was in her Prime!!"
[Pg 47a]
"Hoist with His Own 'Pomade'!"
Customer (
worried into it). "
Well, I don't mind Taking a Small
Bottle——"
Barber. "
Better 'ave a Two Shillin' one, Sir; it 'olds Four Times as
much as the other——"
Customer (
turning upon him). "
O, then if I take this Shilling Bottle,
I shall be Done out of Half my Money's worth! Then I won't have any!"
Escapes in triumph!
[Pg 47b]
Distracting.
Customer. "
What did you think of the Bishop's Sermon on Sunday, Mr.
Wigsby?"
Hairdresser. "
Well, really, Sir, there was a Gent a-settin' in front o'
me as 'ad his 'Air parted that Crooked I couldn't 'ear a Word!"
[Pg 47c]
A Compliment.
Hairdresser. "
Any off the Beard, Sir?"
Customer. "
No, thank you. I've lately trimmed it myself."
Hairdresser. "
Indeed, Sir! I should not have thought any Gentleman out
of the Profession could have done it so well!!"
[Pg 48a]
XXX Cellent Reasons.
Free and Independent (
to wavering)
Elector. "
You don't admire his
Politics? Politics be Blowed! Look at his Principles! That Man allus
Brews Five-and-Twenty Bushels to the Hogshead!"
[Pg 48b]
Sympathy.
Giles (
ruefully). "
Villiam, I've been an' gone an' 'Listed!"
William. "
Lor'! 'ave yer, though? Got the Shillin'?"
Giles. "
Yes."
William. "
Well, then, let's go an' 'ave a Glass at the 'Barley-Mow.'
Don't let's be down'earted!"
[Pg 48c]
Liberal to a Fault.
The Missus (
affably). "
My 'usban's out just now, Sir. Can I give him
any message?"
Liberal Candidate. "
Ah—I have called with the hope that—ah—he'd
promise me his vote at the approach——"
The Missus. "
oh, yes, Sir. you're cap'm bilke, the 'yallow,' I s'pose,
Sir! Yes, I'm sure he'll be most 'appy, Sir!"
The Captain (
delighted). "
ya-as—I shall be much obliged to
him—and—ah—he may depend upon my——"
The Missus. "
Yes, I'm sure he'd promise you if he was at home, Sir;
'cause when the two 'blue' gents called and as'ed him the other day,
sir, he promised 'em d'rec'ly, Sir!!"
[Pg 49a]
Civil Service Miseries.
Mamma (
who has been Shopping at the Co-Operative). "
Good Gracious,
Dears, what shall we do with these Parcels?"
Youngest Daughter. "
Oh, Pa' can take the Large One, Ma', and he might
Carry some of the Small Ones in his Pockets!!"
Pa', who has been
waiting outside, feels he's in for it.
[Pg 49b]
"Men were Deceivers Ever."
Swell (
at the Civil Service Co-Operative Store). "
Haw! I want two or
thwee Pounds—Bacon—and—aw—'blige me by doing it up like Box—Gloves
or Flowers, or something o' that sort!!"
[Pg 49c]
A Sinister Slip.
Smith. "
Hullo, Brown! 'Been for your annual Collis——I mean your annual
Excursion, yet?"
Brown was highly nervous, and this malign suggestion quite upset him.
He spent his holiday at home!
[Pg 50a]
Force of Habit.
City Merchant (
blissfully dozing in his Country Church). "
Season
Ticket!!"
[Pg 50b]
"Alma Mater."
Young Puncheonby "cuts" the Army, and goes to Oxford to read for "the
Church."
Tutor. "
You are Prepared in Subscribe to the Thirty-Nine Articles——"
Puncheonby (
with alacrity). "
Ah 'th pleash 'ah,—ah—how Mu-ch—."
[Pg 50c]
Embarrassing.
Nervous Spinster (
to wary Old Bachelor). "
Oh, Mr. Marigold, I'm so
Frightened! May I take hold of your Hand while we're going through this
Tunnel?"
[Pg 51a]
A Straightforward View.
High Church Curate. "
And what do you Think, Mr. Simpson, about a
Clergyman's Turning to the East?"
Literal Churchwarden. "
Well, Sir, my Opinion is, that if the Clergy man
is Goodlookin', he don't want to turn his Back to the Congregation!"
[Pg 51b]
"The Better the Day." &c.
Rustic (
to Curate who dabbles in Photography). "
I'd be Turr'ble much
Obliged, Zur, if you'd Map off my Pictur', Zur!"
Curate. "
Well, my Man, I'll take your Likeness for you. When will you
Come?"
Rustic. "
Well, Zur, if you've no 'bjections, I be moastly Cleaned up and
has moast Time o' Zunday Marnins, Zur!!"
[Pg 51c]
A Distinction.
The "Good Parson" (
to Applicant for Instruction in the Night School).
"
Have you been Confirmed, my Boy?"
Boy (
hesitating). "
Please, Sir—I—don't know——"
Parson. "
You understand me; has the Bishop laid his Hands on you?"
Boy. "
Oh, no, Sir; but his Keeper have, Sir—very often, Sir!!"
[Pg 52a]
Considerate.
Churchwarden. "
Tell ye what 'tis, Sir. The Congregation do wish you
wouldn't put that 'ere Curate up in Pulpit—Nobody can't hear un."
Old Sporting Rector. "
Well, Blunt, the Fact is, Tweedler's such a Good
Fellow for Parish Work, I'm obliged to give him a mount sometimes."
[Pg 52b]
Rustic Recollections.
Boy. "
Please, Pa-arson, Mother wants some Soup."
The Rector. "
But I told your Mother she must send Something to put it
in."
Boy. "
Oh, please, she've sent this year Pa-ail vor 'un, Pa-arson!!"
[Pg 53a]
Not a "Silver Lining" to a Cloud.
Adolphus (
grandly; he is giving his future brother-in-law a little
dinner down the river). "
Waitar, you can—ah—Leave us!"
Old Waiter. "
Hem!—yessir—but—you'll Pard'n me, Sir—we've so many
Gents—'don't wish to Impute nothink, Sir—but Master—'Fact is,
Sir—(
evidently feels a delicacy about mentioning it)—
we're—you see,
Sir—'Sponsible for the Plate, Sir!!!"
[Pg 53b]
"What's in a Name?"
Waiter (
to nervous invalid). "
There's the old Church, Sir, close by,
but some Visitors goes to St. Wobbleoe's, Sir. There the Clergyman
preaches Distempery!!"
Clearly not the place for him, the old gentleman thinks, with a
shudder.
[Pg 53c]
A New Dish.
Sympathising Swell (
waiting for some chicken). "
You've got no Sinecure
there, Thomas!"
Perspiring Footman. "
Very Sorry, Sir—just 'elped the last of it away,
Sir!"
[Pg 54a]
Our Artist
IS NOT IN THE BEST OF TEMPERS. HE HAS BEEN DISTURBED OFTEN BY BARGES,
AND BOTHERED BY THE BLUEBOTTLES, AND THEN HE'S ACCOSTED BY WHAT APPEARS
TO HIM IN THIS IRRITABLE MOOD TO BE AN
Art-Critic (
loq.) "
The Picture looks Better a Goodish Bit off,
Gov'nour!"
Artist (
maddened). "
Con—found——So do You, Sir!"
Party makes off
hastily, "not liking the looks of him."
[Pg 54b]
Hunting Idiot,
RETURNING FROM THE CHASE, PROPOSES TO "CHAFF THAT ARTIST FELLER."
Huntsman. "
What'll yer Take me for, Gov'nour?"
Painter (
without the slightest hesitation).
A Snob!
[Pg 55a]
Boxing-Day.
(
Mrs. Bustleton's favourite Cabman has called for his usual
Christmas-Box in a state of——never mind.)
Mrs. B. "
Oh, Sawyer, I'm Surprised—I thought you such a Steady Man! I'm
sorry to see you given to Drink!"
Sawyer. "
Beg y' Par'n Mum, no s'h 'hing Mum (
hic).
Drink 'ash gi'n t'
me, Mum, 'sh Morn'n, Mum!!"
[Pg 55b]
An Old Offender.
Country Gentleman (
eyeing his Gardener suspiciously). "
Dear, dear Mr.
Jeffries, this is too Bad! After what I said to you Yesterday, I didn't
think to Find you——"
Gardener. "
You can't Shay—(
hic)—
I wash Drunk Yesht'day,
Sh——!"
Country Gentleman (
sternly). "
Are you Sober this Morning, Sir?"
Gardener. "
I'm—shlightly Shober, Shir!!"
[Pg 55c]
Irrevocable.
Customer (
for the Royal Wedding photograph). "
Can't I have the Lady
only? I don't so much want the Gentleman!!"
Young Person (
with decision). "
No, Sir; we can't Part them, Sir,
now!"
[Pg 56a]
Mrs. Jingleton. Learning that Young M Skirlygy
(From whose Family she Received such Politeness when she was in the
Highlands) was in Town, and having Heard so much of his Playing, asks
him to one of her Little Parties for Classical Music, and hopes he will
'Oblige' during the Evening.—Ha! Ha! She didn't Know what his
Instrument was!
[Pg 56b]
Arcadian Amenities.
Little Rustic (
after a "game" struggle, evidently overweighted). "
Oh,
please, help us along 'ith this Linen up to Mother's——"
Amiable Swell (
aghast). "
Eh! Oh, ridiculous—how can I?—Look here,
I've got a Bag—heavy Bag—to carry myself——"
Little Rustic. "
I'll carry your Bag, Sir."
Swell. "
Eh—but (
to gain time)
wh—what's your Mother's absurd Name?"
This did not help him much. There was no escape; and ultimately——but
we draw a veil over the humiliating sequel.
[Pg 56c]
A Big Fish.
Artful Damsel (
who has made a successful throw). "
O, Lord Feubiggin,
however shall I Manage——."
Lord Feubiggin (
caught, two). "
Pray let me Show you! All depends on
how you Play your Fish!"
We betray confidence for once. This Picture
comes from a Letter sent by a newly-married Lady (now of title), to a
particular Friend of hers, and is called a "Reminiscence of Scotland."
Perhaps our Readers can guess at the Story—we cannot.
[Pg 57a]
The Pic-Nic.
Playful Widow. "
Jump me Down, Mr. Figgins!!"
The gallant little Man did his best, but fell—in her estimation for
ever!
[Pg 57b]
Artful—Very!
Mary. "
Don't keep a Screougin' o' me, John!"
John. "
Wh'oi bean't a Screougin' on yer!"
Mary (
ingenuously). "
Well, y' can i' y' like, John!"
[Pg 58a]
"The Grey Mare!"
Mrs. B. (
taking the reins). "
No, Brown, I will not have the Pony
backed! No! That Person must have seen us come into the Lane first; and
if the Man's got common Politeness——"
Mr. B. "
But, my dear, we've only just turned the——"
Mrs. B. "
I don't care, Brown! No! I won't go back, if I stay here
till——"
Farmer. "
All right, Sir!—I'll back, Sir. I've got just such another
Vixen at Home, Sir!"
[Pg 58b]
How We Arrange Our Little Dinners.
Mistress. "
Oh, Cook, we shall want Dinner for Four this Evening. What do
you think, besides the Joint, of Ox-tail Soup, Lobster Patès, and an
Entrèe—say, Beef?"
Cook. "
Yes, 'M—Fresh, or Austr——?"
Mistress. "
Let's see! It's only the Browns—Tinned will do!"
[Pg 58c]
Conclusive.
Lodger. "
I detect rather a disagreeable Smell in the House, Mrs. Jones.
Are you sure the Drains——"
Welsh Landlady. "
Oh, it can't be the Drains, Sir, whatever. There are
none, Sir!!"
[Pg 59a]
Our Manœuvres.
Captain of Skirmishers (
rushing in to seize Picket Sentries of the
Enemy). "
Hullo! He-ar! You Surrender to this Company!"
Opposition Lance-Corporal. "
Beg Pardon, Sir! It's the other Way, Sir.
We're a Brigade, Sir!!!"
[Pg 59b]
"Our Reserves,"—The Battle of Amesbury.
Aide-de-Camp. "
Good Gracious, Sir! why don't you Order your Men to Lie
Down under this Hill? Can't you See that Battery Playing right on them?"
Colonel of Volunteers. "
So I did, Sir. But they won't Lie Down. They say
they want to See the Review!!"
[Pg 60a]
A Little Failing.
Nervous Old Lady. "
Now, Cabman, you're Sure your Horse is Quiet? What's
he laying Back his Ears like that for? Look!"
Cabby. "
O that's only her Femi-nine Cur'osity, Mum. She likes to Hear
where she's a Goin' to!"
[Pg 60b]
The Connoisseurs.
Groom. "
Whew's Beer do you Like Best—this 'ere Hom'brewed o' Fisk's, or
that there Ale they gives yer at the White Ho's?"
Keeper (
critically). "
Well, o' the Tew I prefers this 'ere. That there
o' Wum'ood's don't Fare to me to Taste o' Nawthun at all. Now this 'ere
dew Taste o' the Cask!!"
[Pg 60c]
"Io Bacche!"
Jeames. "
Mornin', Mr. Jarvice. What's the News?"
Mr. J. (
the old Coachman). "
Well, I've 'eard the best bit o' News this
Morning as I've 'eard for many a Day, from our Butler. He tell me the
Win'yards is 'a comin' round,' and there's every Prospec' of our gettin'
some more good Madeiry!!"
[Pg 61a]
A Veteran.
Civil Service Captain. "
Will—he—ah—stand Pow-dar?"
Dealer. "
'Powder?' Why he was all through the battle o' Waterloo that
Charger was!!"
[Pg 61b]
"What's the Odds?"
Purchaser. "
He's rather Heavy about the Head, isn't he?"
Dealer (
can't deny it). "
Well, Sir! (
Happy thought.)
But y'see, Sir,
he'll hev to Carry it hisself!"
[Pg 62a]
"There's Many a Slip" &c.
Waggles saw a splendid Three-pound Trout Feeding in a Quiet Place on the
Thames one Evening last Week. Down he comes the next Night, making sure
of him! But some other People had seen him too!!!
[Pg 62b]
Lingua "East Anglia."
First Angler (
to Country Boy). "
I say, my Lad, Just go to my Friend on
the Bridge there, and say I should be much Obliged to him if he'd Send
me some Bait."
Country Boy (
to Second Angler, in the Eastern Counties language).
"
Tha' there Bo' sahy he want a Wurrum!!"
[Pg 63a]
A Luxurious Habit.
Philanthropist (
to Railway Porter). "
Then what Time do you get to
Bed?"
Porter. "
Well, I seldom what yer may call gets to Bed myself, 'cause o'
the Night Trains. But my Brother, as used to work the P'ints further
down the Line, went to Bed last Christmas after the Accident, and
never——"
Train rushes in, and the Parties rush off.
[Pg 63b]
The Golden Age Restored.
Young Lady (
Through Passenger, at West Riding Station). "
What's going
on here to-day, Porter? Has there been a Fête?"
Porter (
astonished). "
Bless thee, Lass! there's nea Feightin'
noo-a-days; 't's agin t' La-aw!—Nobbut a Flooer-Show!"
[Pg 64a]
"No Accounting for Taste."
Materfamilias (
just arrived at Shrimpville—the Children had been down
a Month before). "
Well, Jane, have you found it Dull?"
Nurse. "
It was at fust, M'm. There was nothink to Improve the Mind, M'm,
till the Niggers come down!!"
[Pg 64b]
Sold Cheap.
Little Brown (
to "Nigger Minstrel," who always addresses his listeners
as "My Lord"). "
Ah, how did you know my——ah—How did you know I was a
Lord?"
Sensation among the bystanders!
Minstrel. "
Bless yer, my Lord, I never lose Sight o' my Schoolfellers!"
Roars of laughter. Little B. caves in, and bolts!
[Pg 65a]
Selling Him a Pennyworth.
Philanthropist. "
There's a Penny for you, my lad. What will you do with
it?"
Sweeper. "
What all this at Once! I'll Toss yer for it, Double or
Quits!"
[Pg 65b]
A Change for the Better.
Greengrocer. "
Want a Penn'orth o' Coals, do yer? You won't be able to
'ave a Penn'orth much longer. They're a going up. Coals is Coals now, I
can tell yer!"
Boy. "
Ah, well, Mother'll be glad o' that, 'cause she says the last
Coals she had o' you was all SLATES!!"
[Pg 65c]
Colloquial Equivalents.
Papa. "
Now, my dear Girls, your Brother is receiving a most Expensive
Education, and I think that while he is at Home for the Holidays you
should Try to learn Something from him."
Emily. "
So we do, 'Pa. We've learnt that a Boy who Cries is a 'Blub,'
that a Boy who Works Hard is a 'Swot'"——
Flora. "
Yes, and that anybody you don't Like is a 'Cad;' and we know the
Meaning of 'Grub,' 'Prog,' and a 'Wax'"
[Pg 66a]
"The Meat Supply."
Bathing-Man. "
Yes, Mum, he's a good old 'Orse yet. And he's been in the
Salt Water so Long, he'll make capital Biled Beef when we're done with
him!!!"
[Pg 66b]
"Tracts."
First Navvy. "
T' new Mission-ary gave me this 'ere Track just now,
Bill."
Second Navvy. "
Ain't seen him. What loike is he?"
First Navvy. "
Little Chap—Preaches about eight Stun ten, I should
Guess!"
[Pg 66c]
"A Ticket of Leave."
Swell (
who won't be done). "
H'yars my Kyard if you'd—ah—like to
Summon me."
Cabby (
who has pulled up and heard the dispute). "
Don't you take it,
Bill. It's his Ticket o' Leave!"
[Pg 67a]
A Pleasant Prospect.
Traveller (
in Ireland). "
Hi,—pull her up, man! Don't you see the mare
is running away?"
Paddy. "
Hould tight, yer 'Onor! For yer life don't touch the
Reins!—sure they're as rotten as pears! I'll turn her into the River at
the Bridge below here. Sure that'll stop her, the blagyard!"
[Pg 67b]
Reassuring.
Traveller in Ireland (
rheumatic, and very particular). "
Now, I hope
the Sheets are Clean!"
Kathleen (
the Chambermaid). "
Clane, Sor? Shure they're just Damp
from the Mangle, Sor!!"
[Pg 68a]
Woman's Rights.
Scotch Lady (
who has taken a House in the Highlands, her Servants
suddenly giving "warning"). "
What's the Reason of this? Have you not
all you want?—good Rooms, and good Fresh Air and Food, and Easy Work?"
Spokeswoman. "
Yes, Mem—but—but there's no a decent Laad within Cry o'
us!"
[Pg 68b]
"Canny."
Sportsman. "That's a Tough old Fellow, Jemmy?"
Keeper. "
Ay, Sir, a grand Bird to send to your Freens!"
[Pg 68c]
Stern Pulpit Critics.
First Scot. "
Fat Sort o' Minister hae ye gotten, Geordie?"
Second Ditto. "
Oh, Weel, he's no muckle worth. We seldom get a Glint o'
him. Sax Days o' th' week he's envees'ble, and on the Seventh he's
encomprehens'ble!!"
[Pg 69a]
The Commissariat.
Squire (
to new Butler). "
I have three or four Clergymen coming to Dine
with me to-morrow, Prodgers, and——"
Mr. Prodgers. "
'Igh or Low, Sir?"
Squire. "
Well—I hardly——But why do you ask, Prodgers?"
Mr. Prodgers. "
Well, you see, Sir, the 'Igh' drinks most Wine, and the
'Low' eats most Vittles, and I must perwide accordin!!"
[Pg 69b]
Duty and Pleasure.
Rural Butler (
deferentially). "
And what do you Think of our Country
Quality down here, Sir?"
Town Gentleman (
"in waiting" to Lord Marybone, who was visiting the
Squire). "
Well, 'f course, you see, Smithars, I don't mind Waitin' on
'em,—but—'can't Say I should care to Sit Down with 'em"!!!
[Pg 69c]
"Business!"
Bath-Chairman. "
I s'pose the Duke of Edinboro' and his Missis will be by
directly?"
Policeman. "
No, they won't. They ain't in Town."
Bath-Chairman. "
Ain't they?—I say, if that Old Lady in my Chair asts
you, say 'you don't know,' 'cause she's a waitin' to see 'em, and I'm
engaged by the Hour!"
[Pg 70a]
Sacrifice.
Good Templar. "
Tut—t—t—Really, Swizzle, it's Disgraceful to see a Man
in your Position in this State, after the Expense we've incurred and the
Exertions We've used to Put Down the Liquor Traffic!"
Swizzle. "
Y' may Preash as mush as y' Like, Gen'l'm'n, bur I can tell y'
I've made more Persh'nal Efforsh to (
hic)
Purrown Liquor than any of
ye!"
[Pg 70b]
Extenuating Circumstances.
Employer (
on his way to business on Monday morning). "
Ah, Saunders!
I'm Sorry to see you in this Way. I thought you'd turned over a New
Leaf!"
Saunders (
repentant). "
Sho I'ad, Shir, but (
hic)
'tsh all along o'
thesh 'ere Wa'er Co'panies—I 'sshure you, Shir, 'ere washn't 'Drop o'
Wa'er in our Shisht'rn all Yesht'rday!!!"
[Pg 70c]
A Definition.
Shoeblack (
pointing to Unsteady Party by the lamp-post). "
Tea-Totaller
on 'the Strike,' Sir!"
[Pg 71a]
Mystification.
Our young Landscape Painter's Preparations are Regarded with Intense
Interest by the Village Juveniles, yet evidently expect a Gymnastic
Entertainment—(
he frames an Imaginary Picture with his Hands).
Omnes. "
He's a goin' to say his Prayers fust!!"
[Pg 71b]
Obliging.
Excursionist (
to himself). "
Ullo! 'ere's one o' them Artists. 'Dessay
'e'll want a Genteel Figger for 'is Foreground. I'll stand for
'im!!!"
[Pg 72a]
Our Theatricals.
Brown (
rehearsing his part as the "Vicomte de Cherisac"). "
Yas, Marie!
I've fondly Loved ye. (
Sobs dramatically.)
'Tis well—but no
mat-tar-r!"
Housemaid (
to Cook, outside the Door). "
Lauks, 'Liz'beth, ain't Master
a givin' it to Missis!"
[Pg 72b]
Flattering.
Housemaid (
to Cook, behind the laurels). "
He's a Haffable Young Man,
that Cap'ain Limber, Missus's Brother. How Becomin' he'd Look in our
Livery, wouldn't he?!!"
[Pg 73a]
Comparisons.
Barber. "
'Air's extr'ordinary Dry, Sir."
(
Customer explains he has been in the Country, and out o' doors a good deal.)
"
Ah! Jus' so, Sir. Ruination to the 'Air, Sir! If I was to be knockin'
about 'Unting and Fishin', Lor', Sir, my 'Air wouldn't be in no better
State than yours, Sir!!"
[Pg 73b]
Delicately Put.
Customer. "
I'm afraid I'm getting a little Bald!"
Operator. "
Well, Sir, I think, Sir, when you attend Public Wuship, if I
was you, I'd Sit in the Gallery."
[Pg 73c]
A Rash Refusal.
Customer (
flying from Importunate Tradesman). "
No, thank you, nothing
more, really! Not another Article, thank you! Good Morning!"
Escapes—ha! ha! refusing his own Umbrella!!
[Pg 74a]
A Guilty Conscience.
Country Parson (
to hard-drinking Old Pauper). "
Why, surely, Muggridge,
you were Relieved last Week from the Communion Alms!"
Muggridge. "
Communion Arms, Sir! 'S true's I Stand here, never vas
inside the 'Ouse in all my Life, Sir; Never heerd of it, Sir!"
[Pg 74b]
Equal to the Situation.
The Parson. "
Well, Lizzie, your Mother's come out of Prison, I hear. How
is she now?"
Lizzie. "
O, thanky', Sir, she's ev' so much Better. She've had capital
Times in there. Father's out o' Work, and rather Poorly, so he got Took
up Last Night!!"
[Pg 74c]
The Convalescent.
New Curate (
tenderly). "
My good Man, what induced you to Send for me?"
Oldest Inhabitant. "
What does he Say, Betty?"
Betty. "
'Says what the Deuce did you Send for him, for!!"
[Pg 75a]
Awkward!
Literal Servant Girl (
to Brown, who was calling for the first time on
the Dibsworths). "
Please Sir, your Cabman say he don't half like the
Look of this here Half-Crown you've give him!!"
[Pg 75b]
"Suit Your Talk to Your Company."
Mrs. Clovermead. "
And, Dan, you'll bring the Trap—(
recollecting
herself—her fashionable Cousin, from London, is on a Visit at the
Farm)—
We shall want the Carriage to Drive into the Town after
Luncheon, Daniel."
Daniel. "
Yes, Mum—(
hesitating—he had noticed the correction)—
Be
I—(
in a loud whisper)—
be I to Change my Trowse's, Mum?"!!
[Pg 76a]
Silly Suffolk (?) Pastorals. Reciprocity.
Parson. "
I have Missed you from your Pew of late, Mr.
Stubbings——"
Farmer (
apologetically). "
Well, Sir, I hev' been to Meet'n' lately.
But—y' see, Sir, the Reverend Mr. Scowles o' the Chapel, he bought some
Pigs o' me, and I thought I ought to gi' 'm a Tarn!!"
[Pg 76b]
Lapsus Linguæ.
Our Athletic Curate (
who, with the young men of his parish, had been
victorious in a great match the day before; please forgive him this
once, only). "
He-ar Endeth the First Innings!!"
[Pg 76c]
The Archery Meeting.
Curate (
to Fair Stranger). "
I perceive you are not a Toxophilite!"
Fair Stranger (
promptly). "
Oh dear no! 'Church of England,' I assure
you!"
[Pg 77a]
Grandiloquence
Captain of Schooner. "
What 'a' you got there, Pat?"
Pat. (
who has been laying in some Firewood and Potatoes). "
Timber and
Fruit, yer Honour!!"
[Pg 77b]
Levelling Up.
Sub. (
just arrived by rail). "
How much to the Barracks?"
Car-Driver. "
Ah, shure thin, Captin, the Manest ov 'em gives me T'ree
and Sixpence!"
[Pg 78a]
Rural Simplicity.
"
Been to School, Little Lassie?" "
Ay, Sir." "
Good Girl—there's a Penny
for you." "
Thank you, Sir. I'll hae to be steppin'—but awm gaun to
Skeull i' the Mornin'—wull ye be this way i' the Efterneun?!"
[Pg 78b]
Catechism under Difficulties.
Free Kirk Elder (
preparatory to presenting a Tract). "
My Friend, do
you Know the Chief End of Man?"
Piper (
innocently). "
Na, I dinna mind the Chune! Can ye no Whustle
it?"!!
[Pg 78c]
In Vino Memoria.
Major Portsoken (
a pretty constant Guest). "
I say, Buchanan, this
isn't—(
another sip)—
the same Champagne——!"
Scotch Butler. "
Na, that's a' dune! There was Thrutty Dizzen; and ye've
had yere Share o't, Major!!"
[Pg 79a]
Mind and Matter.
Augustus (
poetical). "
Look, Edith! How Lovely are those fleecy
Cloudlets dappled over the——"
Edith (
prosaic). "
Yes. 'Xactly like Gravy when it's getting Cold.
Isn't it?"!!
[Pg 79b]
Perspective!
In Criticising and Correcting his Pretty Cousin's Perspective, of course
Frederick's Face must be as nearly as possible in the same Place as
Hers!—TABLEAU!—
Pa (in the Background) is evidently making up his Mind
to see about this! Note. Fred hasn't a rap!
[Pg 80a]
Those Dreadful Boys!
Algernon. "
And, dearest, if the Devotion of a Life——" (
At this moment
his hat is knocked over his eyes by a common Starfish, or Five-fingers
(Asterias rubens), thrown, with considerable force and precision, by one
of those infern——
high-spirited little fellows her younger brothers,
Tommy and Bertie)!!!
[Pg 80b]
Profanation.
Gent. "
I left a Lock of Hair here a few days ago to be Fitted in a
Locket, is it—ah—ready?"
Artiste. "
Very sorry, Sir, it has been mislaid. But it's of no
consequence, Sir—we can easily get it Matched, Sir."!!
[Pg 81a]
"Turn About."
George. "
I say, Tom, do take care! You nearly Shot my Father then!"
Tom. "
'Sh! Don't say anything, there's a good Fellow! Take a Shot at
mine!!"
[Pg 81b]
Making Things Pleasant.
Irishman (
to English Sportsman). "
Is it Throuts? Be jabers, the
Watther's stiff wid 'em!!!"
"
Regardless of strict truth, in his love of hyperbole and generous
desire to please," as our Friend recorded in his Diary after a blank
day.
[Pg 81c]
Angling Extraordinary.
Customer (
in a great hurry). "
A Small Box of Gentles, please. And look
Sharp! I want to Catch a 'Bus'!!"
[Pg 82a]
"Happy Thought."
Mistress (
who had come down to see about the Bass Voice she had heard
in the Kitchen—Guardsman discovered!). "
O, you Deceitful Girl, to say
there was Nobody here! And after I'd given you distinctly to understand
I didn't allow 'Followers'; and here, you haven't been here a Week——"
Cook. "
Lauks, M'm, it must be one o' the Follerers as the last Cook left
be'ind 'er!!"
[Pg 82b]
Romance of the Kitchen.
Cook (
from the Area). "
O, 'Liza, gi' me my Winigrette—I've 'ad
a—offer—from the Dustman!!"
[Pg 82c]
"Compliments of the Season."
Comely Housemaid. "
O, Mr. James, I'm so Frightened in the Railway!
Suppose the Biler was to Bust!"
Mr. James. "
Then, my Dear, you'd be a Singin' among the Angels in about
Ten Minutes!!"
[Pg 83a]
"Ready!"
Emily. "
What's Capital Punishment, Mamma?"
Master Harry. "
Why, being Locked up in the Pantry! I should consider
it so!"
[Pg 83b]
Dear, Dear Boy!
George. "
Oh! Shouldn't I just like to see Somebody in that Den, Aunt!"
Serious Aunt. "
Ye-es. Daniel, I suppose, dear?"
George. "
Oh no, Aunt; I mean 'Old Twigsby,' our Head-Master!!"
[Pg 84a]
"Brother Brush."
Ship-Painter. "
Nice Dryin' Weather for our Business, ain't it, Sir?"
Amateur (
disconcerted). "
Ya-a-s!"——
Takes a dislike to the place.
[Pg 84b]
The Compliments of the (Sketching) Season.
Papa. "
There, Henry! If you could do like that, I'd have you taught
Drawing, my Boy!"
[Pg 85a]
A Pleasant Prospect.
English Tourist. "
I say, Look here. How far is it to this Glenstarvit?
They told us it was only——"
Native. "
Aboot Four Miles."
Tourist (
aghast). "
All Bog like this?"
Native. "
Eh—h—this is just Naethin' till't!!"
[Pg 85b]
Compliments of the Season.
Squire (
who interests himself with the Moral and Material Condition of
his Peasantry). "
Hullo, Woodruff! what an eye you've got! How did you
get that?!"
Labourer. "
O, it's nawthin' Partic'lar, Sir. Last Night—at the White
'Art, Sir. But—(
in extenuation)—
Chrishmash Time, Sir—
on'y Once a
Year!"
[Pg 85c]
Two Sides to a Question.
Squire. "
Your Name Smith?"
Smith. "
Yessir."
Squire. "
Ah, I understand you're the Man who gives so much Trouble to my
Keepers!"
Smith. "
Ax yer Pardon, Squire, your Keepers is much more Trouble to
me!"
[Pg 86a]
Suspicion!
Stout Visitor (
on discovering that, during his usual Nap after
Luncheon, he has been subjected to a grossly personal Practical Joke).
"
It's one o' those Dashed Artists that are Staying at the 'Lord Nelson'
'a' done this, I know!"
[Pg 86b]
Depression.
Scene—
The Exchange. Industrial Centre.
First Commercial Man (
dryly). "
Mornin'!"
Second ditto (
coldly).
"Mornin'!"
First C. M. (
hopelessly). "
Owt?"
Second ditto (
mournfully). "
Nowt!"
First C. M. (
gloomily). "
Mornin'!"
Second ditto (
despairingly). "
Mornin'!"
They part.
[Pg 86c]
Reductio ad Absurdum.
Stout Party (
the first time he went for his Dividends since his Aunt
left him that Legacy). "
Where do you Go for these Dividend Warrants?"
Bank Beadle. "
What Stock, Sir?"
Stout Party. "
Well, Three per Cent. Something "——(
The word stuck in
his throat).
Bank Beadle. "
Ah!—(
giving him the Information, and saying the word for
him)—
Redooced, Sir!!"
Stout Party sighs, and exit.
[Pg 87a]
"The More Haste the Less Speed."
Intelligent Peasant (
who has been overlooking our Artists with much
interest). "
Yar Mate's a Stainin' o' his'n a'ready, Sir!"
[Pg 87b]
The Point of View.
Tomkins (
he has heard his friend Stodge talk so much about that lovely
spot Wobbleswick, whither he was going sketching, that he was induced to
accompany him. A day has elapsed, and he is awaking to the horror of his
situation!) "
Seems to me an Infern——I call it rather a Dull
Place!"
Stodge. "
Dull, my Dear Fellow! How can you Say so? Look at this
Beautiful, Breezy Common! And the Lines of those Old Houses on the
Beach, breaking the Horizon, and the Colour! And the Jolly Quiet of the
Place! None o' your Beastly Barrel-Organs or Gaping Tourists Swarming
about! I thought you'd Like it!!"
[Pg 88a]
"Lucus a Non" &c.
Visitor. "
How long has your Master been away?"
Irish Footman. "
Well, Sorr, if he'd come Home yistherday, he'd a' been
gone a Wake to-morrow; but ev he doesn't return the Day afther, shure
he'll a' been away a Fortnight next Thorsday!!"
[Pg 88b]
Hyperbole.
Saxon Sportsman. "
Any Snipe about here, my Man?"
Pat. "
Snipes, is it?! Faix, they're ginerally jostlin' 'ach other
hereabouts!"
[Pg 88c]
Real Irish Grievance.
Irish Model (
requested to put on rather a dilapidated costume). "
The
blissed Saints dirict me into this Coat, Sor!"
[Pg 89a]
Our Inspection.
Lieutenant-Colonel. "Hullo! Confound it! There's a Man blowing his
Nose—and with a Pocket-Handkerchief, too! Tut-t-t-t-t!"
[Pg 89b]
Hunting Appointments.
Scientific Colonel. "
Are you going to the 'Kriegspiel' to-morrow?"
Cavalry Sub. (
Hunting Man). "
Augh! 'Think not, Sir. Augh! 'Meet
the-are, do they? Nevar heard of the Place! Wherwe on Earth is i—t?"!!
[Pg 90a]
Encouraging!
Riding-Master (
to Sub. belonging to one of the new Mounted Batteries).
"
Well, Sir! You're all 'of a Heap' on the Horse's Neck—you've Lost your
Sword and your Forage-Cap, and you've Lost your Stirrups—and——you'll
Lose Yourself next!!"
[Pg 90b]
"It's an Ill Wind" &c.
Sporting Sub. "
I should like to have my Leave as soon as possible,
Colonel, for I've just heard my Father's had a bad Fall out Hunting."
Colonel. "
Dear me! I'm sorry to hear that! I hope He's not Hurt!"
Sporting Sub. "
Oh, it isn't that!—only I want to have his Horse!!"
[Pg 90c]
Particular!
Adjutant of Volunteers (
to Recruit). "
Well, Sir, and what Company do
you wish to be in?"
Recruit. "
Augh! I've been—ah—used to the Co'pany of—ah—Ge'tlemen,
Sir!!!!"
[Pg 91a]
The Last Word.
Cabby (
to stately Party, who has given him his legal Fare). "
Makin'
yer Fortune, Sir, no doubt!"
Swell (
not exactly catching the Remark). "
Eh?"
Cabby. "
You're a layin' by a good bit o' Money, Sir, I'll be bound!"
Swell (
indignantly). "What d'you mean, Sir?"
Cabby. "
Why you don't Spend much, seemin'ly!"
Drives off in triumph.
[Pg 91b]
A Dilemma.
Cabby. "
Ere's a go, P'liceman! What am I to do?—I vos Ordered to take
these 'ere Gents as 'a been a Dinin' you see, to their 'spectable 'omes,
vun vos for 'Anover Square, another for the HALBANY, and the tothers
elseveres——vell, they vos all carefully Sorted ven I Started, an' now
they've been an' gone an' mixed The'rselves up, an' I don't know vich is
vich!!"
[Pg 92a]
Too True!
Mamma. "
My dear Child, where did you Get that dreadful Scratch on your
Arm?"
Little Ada. "
Oh, 'Ma, it was 'Lisbeth's big Brass Brooch with the Green
Glass in it, that the Tall Soldier gave her!"
[Pg 92b]
"Once for All."
Mistress. "
By the Way—Anna—Hannah—I'm not Sure. Is your Name Anna, or
Hannah?"
New Cook (
tartly). "
Which my Name is Anna, Mum—Haich, Ha, Hen, Hen,
Ha, Haich,—'Anna'"——
Mistress (
giving it up in despair). "
Ah! Thank you."
[Pg 92c]
Up and Down Stairs.
Young Mistress (
at the Parlour Door). "
Eliza, what is that Bell
Ringing for so violently?"
Cook (
below). "
It's on'y me, M'um. I want you down in the Kitching a
Minute!!"
[Pg 93a]
Terms—Cash.
Lady Bountiful. "
Here, my good Man, here's a Ticket for the Organising
Charitable Relief and Repressing Mendi——"
Professional Beggar (
with a sneer). "
O, Thanky for Nothink, Mum,
Hours is a Ready Money Business!"
[Pg 93b]
Gratitude.
Fastidious Vagrant. "
And they ain't 'alf Buttered! I could 'a Done as
well if I'd Gone up the Lane to the 'Union!'"
[Pg 94a]
Music of the Future. Sensation Opera.
Manager (
to his Primo Tenore, triumphantly). "
My dear Fellow, I've
brought you the Score of the new Opera. We've arranged SUCH a Scene for
you in the Third Act! o' board of the Pirate Screw, after the
Keelhauling Scene, you know! Heavy rolling Sea, eh?—Yes, and we can
have some real Spray pumped on to you from the Fire-Engine! Volumes of
Smoke from the Funnel, close behind your Head—in fact, you'll be
enveloped as you rush on to the Bridge! And then you'll Sing that lovely
Barcarolle through the Speaking-Trumpet! And mind you hold tight, as the
Ship blows up just as you come upon your high D in the last bar!!!"
[Pg 94b]
Club Law.
Waiter. "
Did you Ring, Sir?"
Member (
trying to be calm). "
Yes. Will you Wake this Gentleman, and
say I should be Obliged if he'd let me have the Spectator, if he's not
Reading it."
Old Wacklethorpe has been asleep, with the Paper firmly clutched, for
the last two hours.
[Pg 94c]
"'High' Life Below Stairs!"
Master (
sniffing). "
There's a most extraordinary Smell, James. I've
noticed it several——"
Hall Porter. "
I don't wonder at it, Sir. I've spoke about it
Down-Stairs. The Butler, Sir, you see is ''Igh Church,' which he 'as fit
up a Horatory in the Pantry, and burns Hincense. We could stand that;
but the Cook is the 'Low Church' persuasion, and she burns Brown Paper
to hobviate the Hincense. It's perfectly hawful on Saints' Days,
Sir!!!"
[Pg 95a]
Wages and Wives.
Philanthropic Farmer. "
Well, Tomkins, after this Week, instead of paying
you partly in Cider, I shall give you Two Shillings extra Wages."
Tomkins. "
No, thanky', Master; that won't do for Me!"
Farmer. "
Why, Man, you'll be the Gainer; for the Cider you had wasn't
worth Two Shillings!"
Tomkins. "
Ah, but you see I Drinks the Cider myself; but the Ow'd Ooman
'll 'ev the Two Shillun'!!"
[Pg 95b]
Pursuit o' Knowledge!
First Agricultural (
quite a Year after our Branch had been Opened).
"
What be they Post-es vur, Mas'r Sam'l?"
Second Ditto (
Wag of the Village). "
Why, to carry the Telegraft
Woires, Gearge!"
First Ditto. "
What be the Woires vur, then?"
Second Ditto. "
What be the Woires Fur? Why, to hoold up the Post-es,
sart'n'y, Gearge."!!!
[Pg 95c]
A Nice Prospect!
Traveller (
benighted in the Black Country). "
Not a Bedroom disengaged!
Tut-t-t-t!"
Landlady (
who is evidently in the Coal Business as well). "
Oh, we'll
accommodate you somehow, Sir, if me and my 'Usband gives you up our own
Bed, Sir!"
[Pg 96a]
Boon Companions!
Bargee. "
What! Ge-arge!"
Rustic grins in response.
Bargee. "
I'm allus main Glad to see thee, Ge-arge!"
Rustic. "
Whoy?"
Bargee. "
'Cause I know there must be a Public-'Ouse close by!"
[Pg 96b]
Bereaved.
First Pitman. "
Thou hessent been at the Toun lately, Geordie. Hoo's
that, Man?"
Second Pitman. "
Thou knaws the Dog's deed, and aw kennet getten another;
an' a Chap lecks sa Fond witout a Dog!"
[Pg 96c]
Geology.
Scientific Pedestrian. "
Do you Find any Fossils here?"
Excavator. "
Dunno what yuh Calls 'Vossuls.' We Finds Nowt here but Muck
and 'Ard Work!"
[Pg 97a]
The Morning Concert.
Swell (
doesn't care for music himself). "
My dear, is
this—ah—(
yawns)—
Te-Dium ovar?"!!
[Pg 97b]
A Cool Card.
Swell (
handing "Sporting Life" to Clerical Party). "
Aw—would
you—aw—do me the Favour to wead the List of the Waces to me while
we're wunning down?—I've—aw—forgotten my Eyeglass. Don't mind waising
your Voice—I'm pwecious deaf!"
[Pg 97c]
"Relapse."
Squire. "
Why, Pat, what are you doing, Standing by the Wall of the
Public-House? I thought you were a Teetotaller!"
Pat. "
Yes, yer Honnor. I'm Just listenin' to them Impenitent Boys
Drinking Inside!"
[Pg 98a]
"In Confidence."
Hungry Customer. "
'Taint Bad."
Chef. "
Glad you Like it; for, to Tell yer the Truth, a'though I've been
a Makin' o' this Soup for Fifteen Year, I ain't never Tasted it
Myself!!"
[Pg 98b]
"The Struggle for Existence."
Darwinian Coster (
to thrifty Housewife). "
Well, Fish is dear, Mum; you
see it's a-gettin' wery sca'ce in consekence o' these 'ere Aqueriuns!"
[Pg 98c]
A Satisfactory Character.
Mrs. Brisket (
about the Squire's new Bride). "
Oh, yes, Mum, She come
in 'ere Yesterday, Mum. Bless Yer! a Puffect Lady. Mum! Don't know one
J'int o' Meat from another, Mum!!"
[Pg 99a]
Hard Up on a Wet Day.
Richard. "
What are you Ringing for, Bob?"
Robert. "
The Beef!"
Richard. "
You're never going to eat Beef again, Bob, are you? Why it
isn't Half-an-hour since Breakfast!"
Robert. "
Well, I'm not exactly Hungry, but one must do Something!"
[Pg 99b]
Incombinable Elements.
First Medical Student. "
What are you Sighing for, Jack?"
Second Ditto. "
Ugh! I was thinking of that infernal Chemistry Cram
to-Morrow, and what a deuced Pretty Girl I saw in Gower Street just
now!!"
[Pg 100a]
A Desperate Case!
First Driver. "
How's poor Bob?"
Second Driver. "
Oh, he's a good deal better—takes his Lotions more
Reg'lar——"
First Driver (
reassured). "
Ah!"
[Pg 100b]
"Bon Voyage!"
Bus-Conductor (
to Portly Female, who was indignant at having been
carried a little beyond her destination). "
Well, there y'are, Mum, Fust
to yer Left. Y'aint got so very Far to Go, and the Wind's at yer
Back!!"
[Pg 100c]
Personal!
Driver (
impatient). "
Now then, Bill!"
Conductor. "
O, Look Alive, please, M'm! (
To the Driver.)
Can't help
it! All in the 'Antique' Line this Mornin'! 'Ere's Three more on 'em!"
"'Antique,' indeed! Odious Wretch!" thought one of the parties alluded
to.
[Pg 101a]
"The Conscience Clause"
Rector's Wife. "
And what's your Father, my Boy?"
Boy. "
My Father's a 'Hagitator,' an' he says he won't have me learnt no
Catechism, 'r else you'll all of yer ear ov it!"
[Pg 101b]
Education.
Squire. "
Hobson, they Tell me you've taken your Boy away from the
National School. What's that for?"
Villager. "
'Cause the Master ain't fit to Teach un!"
Squire. "
O, I've heard he's a very good Master."
Villager. "
Well, all I knows is, he wanted to Teach my Boy to Spell
'Taters' with a 'P'!!!"
[Pg 102a]
"Exempli Gratia."
Ancient Mariner (
to credulous Yachtsman). "
A'miral Lord Nelson! Bless
yer, I knowed him; served under him. Many's the Time I've as'ed him for
a Bit o' 'Bacco, as I might be a Astin' o' you; and says he, 'Well, I
'ain't got no 'Bacco,' jest as you might say to me; 'but here's a
Shillin' for yer,' says he"!!
[Pg 102b]
Dignity.
Shipping Clerk. "
Are you the Mate o' the 'Maggie Lauder,' of
Stonehaven?"
Mate (
sternly). "
Ask if I'm the Fir-r-r-st Officer, young Man, an'
maybe I'll gie ye an Answer!"
[Pg 102c]
A Woman-Hater.
Spiteful Old Party (
who is tarring the Stays of the Flagstaff).
"
Striped Gownds seem all the 'Go' with 'em, eh? (
Chuckles.)
I'll
Stripe 'em! Put a extra Streak o' Ile in, o' Purpose—won't Dry for a
Month! Come Lollopin' about here with their Crin'lynes an' Tr'ines, they
must take the Consekenses!!"
[Pg 103a]
When You are About it.
Magister Familias (
parting with his Butler). "
Here is the Letter,
Flanagan. I can conscientiously say you are Honest and Attentive, but I
should have to stretch a Point if I were to say you are Sober."
Mr. Flanagan. "
Thank you, Sor. But when you are afther sthritchin' a
Point, Sor, wouldn't you, plase, sthritch it a little further, and say
I'm aften Sober!!"
[Pg 103b]
Sympathy.
Epicurus. "
Pah! O, good gracious, Mivins, that last Oyster was—ugh!"
Butler (
with feeling). "
T-t-t-t—dear me! Corked, Sir?!!"
[Pg 103c]
The Run of the House.
First Flunkey. "
Won't you come in, John, and take Something?"
Second Ditto. "
Thanks, no; I'll look you up next Week. 'Be on
Board-Wages then, you know!"
[Pg 104a]
"What Next?"
Mistress (
to New Housemaid). "
Jane, I'm quite Surprised to hear you
can't Read or Write! I'm sure one of my Daughters would gladly undertake
to Teach you——"
Maid. "
O, Lor', Mum, if the Young Ladies would be so Kind as to Learn me
anything, I should so like to Play the Pianner."!!
[Pg 104b]
"The Servants."
Cook. "
Yes, Susan, I'm a Writin' to Mary Hann Miggs. She've applied to
me for the Charicter of my last Missus, which she's Thinkin' of takin'
the Sitiwation——"
Susan. "
Will you Give her One?"
Cook. "
Well, I've Said this. (
Reads.)
'Mrs. Perksits presents her
Compliminks to Miss Miggs, and begs to Inform her that I consider Mrs.
Brown a respek'able young Person, and one as Knows her Dooties; but she
can't conshesaly Recommend her Temper, which I had to Part with her on
that Account.' It's allus best to be Candied, you know, Susan!"
[Pg 105a]
Quite Superfluous.
Stout Passenger (
obstreperously). "
Hoy! Hoy! Hoy!!"
Bus-Driver. "
All Right, Sir, we can See yer, Sir; we can See yer vith
the Naked Eye, Sir!"
[Pg 105b]
"Noblesse Oblige."
Stodge (
in answer to the reproachful look of his Cabman). "
Well, it's
your Right Fare; you know that as well as I do!"
Cabby. "
Oh! which I'm well aware o' that, Sir! But——"
more in sorrow
than in anger"—
An' you a Artis', Sir!!"
Gets another Shilling!
[Pg 106a]
The Beard Movement.
Policeman (
invidiously). "
It's puffectly Hoptional vith us, you know!"
"The Hairs them P'licemen give theirselves," John remarked afterwards,
in the Servants' Hall.
[Pg 106b]
Too Late.
Departing Guest. "
But my Hat was a bran-new one!"
Greengrocer (
Footman for the nonce). "
Oh, Sir! The second-best 'Ats a'
been gone 'alf-an-hour ago, Sir!"
[Pg 106c]
Music in the Midlands.
Intelligent Youth of Country Town. "
Ah say, Bill, ull that be t' Elijah
goin' oop i' that Big Box?!"
[Pg 107a]
A Perfect Excuse.
Rector (
to his Keeper). "
'Morning, Woodgate. Didn't I See you at
Church yesterday?"
Keeper (
apologetically). "
Yes, Sir. But—I felt I was a doin' Wrong
all the Time, Sir!"
[Pg 107b]
"Fahrenheit."
Rector. "
Ah, we shall be comfortable this morning, Gruffles, I see
you've got the Temperature up nicely. Sixty, I declare!"
Clerk. "
Yes, Sir, I allus hev a trouble to get that thing up. I took and
Warmed it jest this minute!"
[Pg 107c]
Pleasuring!
Vicar (
to Old Lady, who is returning from a Funeral). "
Well, Martha,
I'm afraid you've had a sad Afternoon. It has been a long Walk, too, for
you——"
Martha. "
Sure-ly, 'tis, Sir! Ah, Sir, 'tain't much Pleasure now for me
to go to Funerals; I be too Old and full o' Rheumatiz. It was very
different when we was Young—that 'twer!!"
[Pg 108a]
Awkward!
Flithers spends his Christmas at a Country House, and the first day, on
the Ladies leaving the Table after Dinner, he jumps up, and Opens the
Wrong Door!!
[Pg 108b]
He Thought He was Safe
Irascible Old Gentleman. "
Buy a Comb! What the Devil should I buy a Comb
for! You don't see any Hair on my Head, do you?"
Unlicensed Hawker. "
Lor' bless yer, Sir!—yer don't want no 'Air on yer
'Ead for a Tooth-Comb!!"
[Pg 108c]
Hygiene.
Hearty Old Gentleman (
to dyspeptic Friend). "
Doesn't Agree with you?!
Oh, I never let Anything of that sort Bother me! I always Eat what I
like, and Drink what I like, and Finish off with a good stiff Glass o'
Grog at Bed-Time, and go fast Asleep, an' let 'm Fight 't out 'mong
'mselves!!!"
[Pg 109a]
Considerate Criticism.
Rustic (
to his friend). "
Wa—at, tha's Better than doin' o' Nawth'n'.
I s'poos', Gearge!!"
[Pg 109b]
"The Finishing Touch!"
Farmer (
who has been most Obliging, and taken great Interest in the
Picture). "
Good Morn'n', Sir! But—(
aghast)—
I say, what are you a
doin' of, Mister?! A P'intin' all them beastly Poppies in my Corn!—'A
bit o' Colour?'—What 'ould my Landlord say, d'you Think?—and after
I'd put off Cuttin' cause you hadn't Finished, to oblige yer, I didn't
Think you'd a Done it! You don't Come a P'intin' on my Land any more!"
Exit, in great dudgeon.
[Pg 110a]
Á Fortiori.
Ticket Collector. "
Now, then, make Haste! Where's your Ticket?"
Bandsman (
refreshed). "
Au've Lost it!"
Ticket Collector. "
Nonsense! Feel in your Pockets. Ye cannot hev Lost
it!"
Bandsman. "
Aw cannot?! Why, Man, au've Lost the Big Drum!"
[Pg 110b]
"Nae That Fou!"
Country Gentlemen (
who thought he'd got such a treasure of a new
Gardener). "
Tut, Tut, Tut! Bless my Soul, Saunders! How—what's all
this? Disgracefully Intoxicated at this Hour of the Morning! Ain't you
Ashamed of Yourself?!"
Saunders. "
'Sh-hamed? (
Hic.)
Na, na, 'm nae sae Drunk as that comes
t'! Ah ken varra weel what a'm aboot!!"
[Pg 111a]
Hibernian Veracity.
Paterfamilias (
with his Family in Ireland). "
Have you any West India
Pickles, Waiter?"
Paddy. "
We've not, Sor."
Paterfamilias. "
No Hot Pickles of any Description?"
Paddy. "
No; shure they're all Could, Sor."
[Pg 111b]
Quite Another Thing.
Paddy (
the loser). "
Abram, g'along! I said I'd lay you Foive to Wan,
but I wasn't goin' to Bet my Ha'f-Crown agin your tath'rin little
Sixpence!"
Exeunt fighting.
[Pg 111c]
A Fair Offer.
Athletic Barman. "
Now, if you don't take yourself Off, I'll precious
soon Turn you Out!"
Pat (
with a yell). "
Tur-r-rn me Out? Is it Tur-r-rn me Out? Thin,
Bedad! come Outside, an' Tur-r-rn me Out!!"
[Pg 112a]
"The Way We Live Now."
Swell Coachman (
with his eye on the Brougham's cockade). "
Your Guv'ner
in the Army?"
Brougham (
artlessly). "
Not 'zactly in the Harmy. But Missis say as
they Sold Milingtary Cur'osities when they kep' a Shop in 'Olborn!!"
[Pg 112b]
Re-Assuring.
Nervous Old Lady (
Band in the Distance). "
Oh, there are those dreadful
Volunteers, Joseph! I know the Horse will take Fright! Hadn't you better
Turn him Round?!"
Coachman (
who will have his own way). "
Oh, let 'im alone, 'M; he'll
Turn 'isself Round, and pretty quick, too, if he's Frightened!!"
[Pg 113a]
Well Meant.
Shoeblack (
to daily Customer). "
Such a Treat we've got to-night, Sir!
Tea an' Buns, an' Speeches at Exeter 'All! Wouldn't you like to go,
Sir?"
City Magnate. "
Oh, they wouldn't let me in, my Boy."
Shoeblack. "
Um!" (
Ponders.) "
Well—look 'ere. I think I could Smug yer
in as my Father!!"
[Pg 113b]
Nature and Art.
Pedestrian. "
That's an Extraordinary Looking Dog, my Boy. What do you
Call him?"
Boy. "
Fust of all he wer' a Grey'ound, Sir, an' 'is Name was 'Fly,' as'
then they cut 'is Ears an' Tail off, an' made a Masti' Dog on 'im, an'
now 'is Name's 'Lion'!"
[Pg 113c]
Natural Advantages.
Teacher. "
What Bird did Noah send out of the Ark?"
Smallest Boy In the Class (
after a Pause). "
A Dove, Sir."
Teacher. "
Very Well. But I should have thought some of you Big Boys
would have Known that!"
Tall Pupil. "
Please, Sir, that Boy ought to Know, Sir, 'cause his
Father's a Bird-Ketcher, Sir!!!"
[Pg 114a]
The Restraints of Society.
Juvenile Bohemian. "
Hate goin' out to Tea! 'Have to be Good such a
Precious Long Time!!"
[Pg 114b]
Simple Addition.
New Governess. "
Why are you Staring so Intently, Blanche, dear?"
Blanche. "
I was trying to Count the Freckles on your Face, Miss
Sandypole, but I can't!"
[Pg 115a]
Secrets.
Intelligent Housemaid. "
Oh, please, Miss, there was a young Gentleman
called when you was out. He didn't leave no Card, Miss; but I can show
you who he is, 'cause there's Three of his Photygraphs in your Album."
[Pg 115b]
"A Parthian Shaft."
Cook. "
Now, I'm a Leavin' of yer, M'um, I may as well Tell yer as the
Key o' the Kitching-Door fits your Store-Room!"
[Pg 115c]
Sweet Simplicity.
Visitor. "
Jane, has your Mistress got a Boot-Jack?"
Maid-of-all-Work. "
No, Sir; please, Sir, I clean all the Boots, Sir!"
[Pg 116a]
Master of the Situation?!
Scene—
Mr. Tethershort's Sanctum. Enter Mrs. T. and her Cook.
Cook (
with her usual promptitude—SHE never kept anybody waiting).
"
Oh, if you please, Sir, I wish to Complain of Missis! which she come a
Dictaterin' and a Hinterferin' in your Kitching in a way as I'm sure you
wouldn't approve on," &c., &c., &c.!!
T. confesses he felt (for the first and last time) a delicious
sensation of being apparently master in his own house. She was an
admirable Cook, and altogether a most excell——But however she had to
go!
[Pg 116b]
Manners!
Young Mistress. "
Jane, I'm surprised that none of you Stood up when I
went into the Kitchen just now!"
Jane. "
Indeed, Mum! which we was su'prised ourselves at your a comin'
into the Kitching while we was a 'avin' our Luncheons!!"
[Pg 117a]
A Regular Turk!
Adjutant. "
Well, Sergeant, how's your Prisoner getting on?"
Sergeant of the Guard. "
Bedad, Sor, he's the vi'lentest Blaggyard I iver
had to do wid! We're all in Tirror iv our Loives! Shure we're obliged to
Feed him wid Fixed Bay'nits!"
[Pg 117b]
"Incidit in Scyllam," &c.
Ensign Muffles (
alluding to his Moustache). "
You see, some say, 'Wear
it,' you know; and some say, 'cut it off,' you know; but if I took
everybody's advice I should be like the Old Man and his Donkey."
Sergeant O'Rourke. "
Your'r Hon'rr would—(but not wishing to be personal
about his Officer's age) that is—laste-ways,—barrin the Ould Man, Your
Hon-r-r-r!!!"
[Pg 117c]
What H. M. Civil Servants have to Endure.
(BESIDES THE RIDICULOUSLY LOW SALARIES.)
Mr. Registrar. "
What's the Number of your Deed, Sir?"
Attorney's Clerk. "H-eight, H-ought H-eight, H-ought, Sevin, Sir!"
Mr. Registrar (
faintly). "
Oh dear! Oh dear!—(notes down the
number)—that will do."
And is so upset that he takes a month's holiday on the spot.
[Pg 118a]
Curious.
English Tourist (
in Ireland). "
Tell me, Waiter, at what Hour does the
First Train leave for Clonmel?"
Waiter. "
Is it the Furrst Thrain, Sor? I'm not rightly shure. The Noine
Thrain up used to lave at Ha'f-past Noine—but faix it goes at Tin now,
and there's no Furrst Thrain now at all at all. But I'll ax at the Bar,
Sorr!!"
[Pg 118b]
Anything for a Change.
Artist (
to Old Fellow-Student). "
And what have you been doing all
these years,—what are you Painting?"
Swell. "
Oh, I gave up Painting, my Dear Fellow—then I took to Teaching!
But you can't find Pupils in Genius, you know, so now I go in for Art
Criticism! I know I'm Strong in that! Did you see my Article in this
week's 'Now a Days?'"
[Pg 118c]
Appearances.
Plushington. "
I say, Stodge, Singular thing—your Landlady addressed me
'My Lord' when I asked if you were within!"
Artist. "
Not at all, my dear Fellow. It's your Hat and Personal
Appearance! If you don't mind, we'll encourage the Idea. It will give
her Confidence in me, and——Eh?"
Plushington will be delighted.
[Pg 119a]
From One Point of View.
Scene—
British Jury Room. All agreed on their Verdict except——
Irish Juryman (
who holds out). "
Ah, thin, Iliv'n more obstinit' Men I
nivir met in all me loife!!"
[Pg 119b]
Our Art-School Conversazione
AT WHICH (IN CONSEQUENCE OF THE INCREASED SPACE ANTICIPATED AT THE R. A.
EXHIBITION) THERE IS A GREATER CROWD THAN USUAL.
Model (
who has charge of the Hats and Coats).
"No. 97? Yessir. There
now! If I didn't see that 'at—ah—not a Quarter of an Hour Ago!!"
Not a very satisfactory look-out for Bouncefield, who has barely time
to catch his last train!
[Pg 120a]
Between Two Shoeblacks We Fall to, &c.
First Shoeblack. "
I cotched 'old on 'im Fust!"
Second Ditto. "
You're a——!"
Old Gentleman is flung heavily.
[Pg 120b]
Im-pertinent.
Stout Gent. (
naturally suspicious of the Street Boy). "
Ge' out o' my
Way, you Young Rascal!"
Street Boy. "
Vich vay Round, Gov'nour?"
[Pg 120c]
Register! Register!!
Aunt Sophy. "
Now suppose, George, as a Single Woman I should have my
Name put on the Register, what should I get by it?"
Pet Nephew. "
Oh, a good deal. You'd be allowed to Serve on Coroner
Juries, Common Juries, Annoyance Juries, pay Powder Tax and Armorial
Bearings, act as Parish Beadle and Night Constable of the Casual Ward,
and Inspector of nuisances, report on Fever Districts, and all Jolly
Things of that sort."
[Pg 121a]
"Not Proven."
Presbyterian Minister. "
Don't you know it's Wicked to catch Fish on the
Sawbath!?"
Small Boy (
not having had a rise all the Morning). "
Wha's catchin'
Fesh?!"
[Pg 121b]
An Evening's Fishing (Behind the Distillery at Sligo).
First Factory Lad. "
Dom'nick, did you get e'er a Bite at all?"
Second Ditto. "
Sorra wan, Pat. Only wan small wan!"
First Ditto. "
Yerrad! Lave it there, an' come Home. Shure
you'll get more than that in Bed!"
[Pg 122a]
"The Harp in the Air."
Irish Gentleman (
who has vainly endeavoured to execute a Jig to the
fitful Music of the Telegraph Wires). "
Shure! whoiver y'are ye can't
Play a bit! How can a Jintleman Dance—(
hic!)—
iv ye don't kape
Thime?"!!
[Pg 122b]
Irish Ideal of Themis.
Biddy (
to Pat in charge about a difficulty). "
Never fear, Pat! Shure
y'ave got an upright Jidge to Thry ye!"
Pat. "
Ah, Biddy Darlin', the Divel an Upright Jidge I want! 'Tis wone
that'll lane a little!!"
[Pg 122c]
"Canny."
First North Briton. "
'T's a Fine Day, this?"
Second Ditto. "
No ill, ava."
First North Briton. "
Ye'll be Travellin'?"
Second Ditto. "
Weel, maybe I'm no."
First North Briton. "
Gaun t'Aberdeen, maybe?"
Second Ditto. "
Ye're no faur aff't!!"
Mutually satisfied, each goes his respective way.
[Pg 123a]
Irish Architecture.
Angler (
in Ireland). "
Hullo, Pat, what are you about now?"
Pat. "
Shure, I'm Raisin' me Roof a bit, yer Honour-r!!"
[Pg 123b]
Thrift.
Peebles Body (
to Townsman who was supposed to be in London on a
visit). "
E—eh, Mac! ye're sune Hame again!"
Mac. "
E—eh, it's just a ruinous Place, that! Mun, a had na' been
the-erre abune Twa Hoours when—Bang—went Saxpence!!!"
[Pg 123c]
Scruples.
English Tourist (
having arrived at Greenock on Sunday morning). "
My
Man, what's your Charge for Rowing me across the Frith?"
Boatman. "
Weel, Sir, I was jist Thinkin' I canna Break the Sawbath-Day
for no less than F'fteen Shull'n's!!"
[Pg 124a]
A Bad Season.
Sportsman. "
I can assure you, what with the Rent of the Moor, and my
Expenses, and 'what not,' the Birds have cost me—ah—a Sovereign
apiece!!"
Keeper. "A' weel, Sir! 'Deed it's a Maircy ye didna Kill na mair o'
'em!!"
[Pg 124b]
"Familiarity breeds Contempt."
Keeper (
who wants to drive the Pheasants to the Squire's corner).
"
Hooo-o-o-sh! HERE, Bill, come here! They 'on't get up for me! They know
me too well!"
[Pg 125a]
Intelligent!
Artist (
who thinks he has found a good Model for his Touchstone.)
"
Have you any Sense of Humour, Mr. Bingles?"
Model. "
Thank y' Sir, No, Sir, Thank y'. I enj'ys pretty good 'Ealth,
Sir, Thank y' Sir!"
[Pg 125b]
The "Nimble Ninepence."
City Gent (
after a critical Inspection). "
What do you want for that
Moonlight?"
Picture-Dealer. "
I'll Shell yer the Two a Bargain, Shir! Cheap ash Dirt,
Shir! Sheventy-Five Guineash apeicshe, Shir! I'll Warrant 'em undoubted
Smethers's. Sheventy-five——"
City Gent. "
O, come, I don't mind Giving you—thirty Shillings for the
Pair."
Picture-Dealer (
closing with alacrity). "
Done! With you, Shir!!"
City Gent is in for 'em!
[Pg 126a]
Menace.
Little Angler (
to her refractory Bait). "
Keep Still, you tiresome
little Thing! If you don't leave off Skriggling, I'll Throw you away,
and take another!"
[Pg 126b]
"A Thing of Beauty."
Visitor. "
Well, George, and what do you Mean to be, when you have Grown
Up?"
George (
promptly). "
An Artist!"
Visitor. "
Well, then, you shall Paint my Portrait."
George. "
Ah! but I mean to Paint Pretty Things!!"
[Pg 126c]
Mixed Pickles.
Domestic (
in terrified accents). "
O, Mum, here's Master Plantag'n't,
'M, has been and Broke his Gran'pa's Ink-Bottle in the Lib'ary, and Cut
his Finger dreadful, 'M!!"
Grandmamma's Darling (
gleefully alluding to his Nasal Organ). "
And got
a Marble up by Doze, Gra'dba'!!"
[Pg 127a]
The Trials of a District Visitor.
The Honourable Miss Fuzbuz (
loq.). "
Is Mrs. Higgins Within?"
Mrs. Tomkins. "
I'll Call 'er, M'um." (
At the top of her Voice.) "
Mrs.
'Ig——gins! Ere's the Person with the Trac's!" (
To the Honourable
Miss.) "
The lady will be down presently, M'um!!"
[Pg 127b]
Legitimate Criticism.
Aged Village Matron (
to Sympathising Visitor). "
It's a 'Cookery Book,'
as Mrs. Penewise, our 'District Lady,' give me this Christmas, Miss. I'd
a deal sooner a' had the Ingriddiments, Miss!!"
[Pg 127c]
"The Servants."
Old Lady. "
They're all Alike, my Dear. There's our Susan (it's true
she's a Dissenter), but I've allowed her to go to Chapel Three Times
every Sunday since she has Lived with me, and I assure you she doesn't
Cook a bit Better than she did the First Day!!"
[Pg 128a]
Pleasant for Simpkins!
Photographer (
to Mr. Simpkins). "
Keep your Head steady, please, Sir,
and Look in the Direction of those young Ladies. Steady now, Sir! Don't
Wink, Sir!"
Mrs. S. (
by a look that Mr. S. quite understood). "
Just let me See him
Wink!!"
[Pg 128b]
A Misnomer.
Country Valetudinarian. "
Ah yes, Mu'm, I've had the 'Lumbager turr'ble
bad, Mu'm! 'Ketches me in the Small o' the Back 'ere, Mu'm!!"
[Pg 128c]
"Winkles!"
Philanthropic Coster' (
who has been crying "Perry-wink—wink—wink!"
till he's hoarse—and no buyers). "
I wonder what the p'or unfort'nate
Creeters in these 'ere Low Neighb'r'oods do Live on!!"
[Pg 129a]
"The Last (Co-operative) Feather."
'
My Lady.' "
Just take and Tie up a couple of those Sacks Behind the
Carriage, James. There'll be Room, if one of you Rides on the Box!!"
[Pg 129b]
Disaffection!
Adjutant. "What's the Matter, Drum-Major?"
Drum-Major. "Please, Sir, the Drums is in a state of Mutiny, and these
are the Ringleaders!!"
[Pg 130a]
Zoology.
Railway Porter (
to Old Lady travelling with a Menagerie of Pets).
"
'Station Master say, Mum, as Cats is 'Dogs,' and Rabbits is 'Dogs,' and
so's Parrots; but this ere 'Tortis' is a Insect, so there ain't no
charge for it!"
[Pg 130b]
Extortion.
Porter, S. E. R. "
Ticket for Musical Instrument, please, Sir."
Amateur Violoncellist (
who never travels without his bass,
indignantly). "
What! Pay for this? I've never had to Pay on any other
Line. This is my 'cello!"
Porter (
calmly). "
Not Personal Luggage, Sir. All the same if you'd a
Hurdy-Gurdy, Sir!!"
Our Amateur's feelings are too much for him.
[Pg 131a]
"Any Ornaments for your Fire-Stoves?"
Little Flora (
in great distress). "
Oh, Mamma, look here! Jack says
it's Aunt Fanny! She's got on her Beautiful Ball-Dress with the Roses on
it, and she's Stuck in the Chimney!"
[Pg 131b]
Compliments of the Season.
Fond Parent. "
I hope you will be very Careful, Mr. Stimpson. I have
always been accustomed to Cut their Hair myself."
Mr. Stimpson. "
So I should have Thought, Madam!"
[Pg 131c]
On the Face of It.
Pretty Teacher. "
Now, Johnny Wells, can you Tell me what is Meant by a
Miracle?"
Johnny. "
Yes, Teacher. Mother says if you dun't Marry new Parson, 'twull
be a Murracle!"
[Pg 132a]
Obvious Initiative.
(
A lively Native of the Deep Sea seizes hold of a Shepherd's Dog by the
Tail, who makes off as fast as he can.)
Fishmonger (
in a rage). "
Whustle on yer Dog, Mun!"
Highlander (
coolly). "
Whustle on m' Dog? Na, na, Friend! Whustle you
on your Partan!!"
[Pg 132b]
Driving a Bargain.
Economical Drover. "
A Teeck't tae Faa'kirk."
Polite Clerk. "
Five-and-Ninepence, please."
Drover. "
Ah'll gie ye Five Shillings!"
Clerk (
astonished). "
Eh!"
Drover. "
Weel, ah'll gie ye Five-an'-Thrippence, an' Deil a Bawbee mair!
Is't a Bargain?!"
[Pg 132c]
Candid.
Tam (
very dry, at door of Country Inn, Sunday Morning). "
Aye, Man, ye
micht gie me a bit Gill oot in a Bottle!"
Landlord (
from within). "
Weel, ye ken, Tammas, I daurna sell onything
the Day. And forbye ye got a Half-Mutchkin awa' wi' ye last Nicht (after
Hoors tae); it canna be a' dune yet!"
Tam. "
Dune! Losh, Man, d'ye think a' could Sleep an' Whuskey i' the
Hoose?!"
[Pg 133a]
An Irish Model.
Mrs. Magillicuddy (
to her Daughter). "
Why, why, Roseen! what's been
delayin' ye? Why! and me waitin' this Hour past to come in wid the
Milk!"
Rose. "
O, sure, thin, Mother dear, on me Way back from the Meada' I met
such a darlin' English Jintleman—a rale Artist. Why, and he axed me to
Allow him to take me Landskip; and O, Mother mavrone, it's a Wonder how
like me he's med it, glory be to the Saints!"
[Pg 133b]
A Benediction!
Irish Beggarwoman (
to our friend, Dr. O'Gorman, whose Nose is of the
shortest). "
Won't ye give me a Copper, Docther dear? They, now, if ye
haven't wan Penny convanient!—and may the Blissed Saints incrase ye!"
Dr. O'Gorman. "
Stand aside, my good Woman. I've nothing for you."
Beggarwoman. "
O, thin, the Lard presarve yer Eyesight, for the Divil a
Nose ye have to Mount the 'Specs' upon!!"
[Pg 134a]
Mrs. Frummage's Birthday Dinner-Party.
Mrs. F. ("
coming from behind the Screen, sneakin' just like her").
"
There! Oh you Goodfornothing Boy, now I've found you out. How dare you
touch the Wine, Sir?"
Robert. "
Please 'M, I was—I was only just a goin' to wish Yours an'
Master's wery good 'ealth 'M!"
[Pg 134b]
Confession.
Old Lady (
who can't stand her Page's destructive carelessness any
longer). "
Now, Robert, I want you clearly to understand the Reason I
part with you. Can you tell me?"
Robert (
affected to tears). "
Yes, 'M."
Old Lady. "
What, Robert?"
Robert. "
'Cause I'm—(sniff)—'cause I'm—'cause I'm so Ugly!!"
[Pg 135a]
A Stroke of Business.
Village Hampden (
"who with dauntless breast" has undertaken, for
sixpence, to keep off the other boys). "
If any of yer wants to see what
we're a Paintin' of, it's a 'Alfpenny a 'Ead, but you marn't make no
Remarks."
[Pg 135b]
Proper Reproof.
Fussy Party. "
Why don't you Touch your Hat to me, Boy?"
Country Boy. "
So I wul i' yeaou'll howd the Ca-alf!"
[Pg 135c]
Little and Good.
Gentleman. "
Who do these Pigs belong to, Boy?"
'
Chaw.' "
Why, this 'ere owd Zow."
Gentleman. "
Yes, yes; but I mean who's their Master?"
'
Chaw.' "
Why, that there Little 'un; he's a Varmun to Foight!"
[Pg 136a]
"Mistakes Will Happen."
Mamma (
alarmed). "
What is it, my Darling?"
Pet. "
Ya—ah, Boo—ooh—ah!"
Mamma. "
What's the Matter, then? Come and Tell its own——"
Pet. "
Ba—h-oo-h—She—She did—Wash me once—an'—says—she
didn't—an'—She's been—an' gone an' Washed me over again!!"
[Pg 136b]
Brushing Pa's New Hat.
Edith. "
Now, Tommy, you keep Turning slowly, till we've Done it all
round."
[Pg 137a]
More Than One for His Nob.
Irritable Old Gentleman (
who is rather particular about his
appearance). "
I wish you'd be Careful. That's the Third or Fourth Time
you've Pricked me with your Scissors!"
Young Man (
from "Round the Corner"). "
Beg yer Pardon, Sir, but the
Fact is, Sir, I 'aven't been in the 'abit o' Cuttin' 'Air, Sir. We're
rather Short of 'Ands, so——"
Old Gent explodes.
[Pg 137b]
A Passage of Arms.
Hairdresser. "
'Air's very Dry, Sir!"
Customer (
who knows what's coming). "
I like it Dry!"
Hairdresser (
after awhile, again advancing to the attack). "'
Ead's
very Scurfy, Sir!"
Customer (
still cautiously retiring). "
Ya-as, I prefer it Scurfy!"
Assailant gives in defeated
[Pg 137c]
Flunkeianum.
Master. "
Thompson, I believe that I have repeatedly expressed an
Objection to being served with Stale Bread at Dinner. How is it my
Wishes have not been Attended to?"
Thompson. "
Well, Sir, I reely don't know what is to be Done! It won't do
to Waste it, and we can't Eat it Down-stairs!!"
[Pg 138a]
A Dilemma.
Auxiliary Recruit (
to himself). "
Murder! Murder! What'll I do now?
'Drill-Sarjint tould me always to Salute me Officer wid the far-off
Hand, and here's Two iv em! Faix, I'll make it Straight for meself
anyhow!"
Throws up both Hands.
[Pg 138b]
Lessons in the Vacation.
Public School-man. "
He-ar, Cabby, we'll give you Eighteen-pence to take
us to Brixton."
Cabby. "
Well, I generally do carry Children 'alf price, but I'm Engaged
this Morning, Gents!"
[Pg 139a]
Wimbledon.
The Irrepressible 'Arry (
to Swell—Small-bore Man—who has just
fired). "
Ya—ah! Never 'It it!!"
[Pg 139b]
Wimbledon.
Volunteer Mounted Officer (
Midnight). "
Hullo here! Why don't you Turn
Out the Guard? I'm the Field-Officer of the Day!"
Volunteer Sentry. "
Then what the Deuce are you Doin' out this Time o'
Night?"
[Pg 140a]
A Hardship.
Mistress. "
I think, Elizabeth, I must Ask you to go to Church this
Afternoon instead of this Morning, because——"
Elizabeth (
indignantly). "
Well, Mum, which in my last Place I was
never As'ed to go an' 'ear a Curate Preach!"
[Pg 140b]
"Like her Impudence."
Missis and the Young Ladies (
together). "
Goodness Gracious, J'mima!
what have you——where's your Cr'n'lin?" (
This word snappishly.)
Jemima. "
Oh 'M, please 'M, which I Understood as they was a Goin' Out,
'M——"
Receives warning on the spot.
[Pg 141a]
"Too Bad!"
Comic Man (
in an audible Whisper, while his Friend is "obliging" with
"Adelaide"). "
Look out! He's coming to the Passionate Part now. You'll
see him Wag his Shoulders!"
[Pg 141b]
"It's the Pace that Kills."
Miss Rattleton (
who means Waltzing). "
Oh, I did not say 'Stop,' Mr.
Plumpley."
Mr. Plumpley (
utterly blown, in gasps). "
'msure
you—mustbetired——"
And joins the Card-players.
[Pg 141c]
The Gamut.
Jack Bowbell (
beginning his Song). "
'Appy Land, 'Appy
Land——"
Tom Belgrave. "
One Moment—excuse me, my dear Fellow—but
don't you think the Song would go better if you were to Sound your H's
just a little?"
Jack Bowbell. "
Eh? Sound my H's?" (
Chuckles.) "
Shows how much you
know about Music!—No such Note—only goes up to G!"
(
Continues.) "
'Appy Land, 'Appy Land——"
[Pg 142a]
Garrison Instruction.
Instructor (
lecturing). "
Gentlemen, a Three-legged Trestle is a
trestle with Three Legs. You had better make a Note of that, Gentlemen."
(
Intense scribbling.)
General in Embryo (
but not at present noted for smartness),
after a
pause of some Minutes. "
I beg your pardon, Major, but how many Legs did
you say the Trestle had?" (
Left sitting.)
[Pg 142b]
Cavalry Criticism.
Adjutant (
to Riding-Master). "
Ah, there's Mr. Quickstep!" (
Who had
just Exchanged into the Regiment from the Infantry.) "
How does he get
on?"
Riding-Master. "
Well, Sir, I think he's the Hossiest Gen'leman afut—and
the Futtiest Gen'leman on a Hos that ever I've met with since I've been
in the Reg'ment!"
[Pg 143a]
"The Way we Had in the Army."
Colonel (
of the pre-Examination period—to studious Sub). "
I say,
Youngster, you'll never make a Soldier if you don't mind what you're
about!"
Sub (
mildly). "
I should be sorry to think that, Sir!"
Colonel. "
I saw you sneaking up the High Street yesterday, looking like
a Methodist Parson in reduced Circumstances!—Hold up your Head, Sir!
Buy a Stick, Sir! Slap your Leg, Sir! And stare at the Girls at the
Windows!"
[Pg 143b]
"An Officer and a Gentleman!"
Volunteer Captain (
bumptiously). "
Officer's Ticket!"
Considerate Clerk. "
Gover'ment Tariff's high on this Line, Sir. You'd
better go as a Gentleman! Cheaper!"
The Captain is shocked, loses his presence of mind, and takes advantage
of the suggestion.
[Pg 143c]
"The Service going to, &c.!"
ENSIGN BROWN SHARES A TENT AT WIMBLEDON WITH HIS FRIEND JONES, PRIVATE
IN THE SAME COMPANY.
Ensign Brown. "
Oh, I say, Jo—Mr. Jones, there's one of those Pegs
loose. Hem—will you—I wish—just Jump out, and make it Fast!"
Private Jones. "
Oh, hang it, Br—Mr. Brown! Come, I don't mind Tossing
you!!"
[Pg 144a]
Presence of Mind.
Constables (
in chorus). "
Hoy! Hullo! Stop! Turn back there! Can't come
through the Park!"
Elderly Female (
in a hurry to catch a train). "
P'liceman, I'm the
'Ome Secretary!!!"
Sergeant of Police (
taken aback). "
Oh, I beg your Pardon, I'm sure,
Mum! All right—drive on, Cabby!"
Old Lady saves the train.
[Pg 144b]
"Bric á Brac."
Mamma } {"
Sam!"
}together {"Goodness, Gracious,}
Daughters } {
Pa'!"
Papa (
who has a passion for Antiques). "
My dears, I thought it would
do so nicely for the Landing at the Top of the Stairs, eh."
[Pg 145a]
Encouraging.
First Bystander (
evidently Village Schoolmaster—ignorant set of people
generally!). "
Don't seem to be making much of it, do 'e?"
Second Bystander (
you'd have thought him an intelligent Farmer, by the
look of him). "
Ammy-toor, seemin'ly!!"
[Pg 145b]
"Fine Art."
Rural Connoisseur. "
He's a P'intin' Two Pictur's at Once, d' yer See?
'Blest if I don't Like that there Little 'Un as he's got his Thumb
through, the Best!"
[Pg 146a]
Our Reserves.
(AUXILIARY FORCES, NORTH OF IRELAND.)
Last Joined Supernumerary. "
Now, then, Sentry, why don't you Salute your
Officer?"
Militia Sentry (
old Yankee Irish Veteran, who has been through the
"Secesh" War). "
Salute, is it? Divel a Salute you'll get ontill ye Pay
yer Futtin'!!"
[Pg 146b]
Badinage.
Facetious 'Bus-Driver (
offering to pull up). "
'Ere y'are, Sir. Look
sharp, Bill and 'elp the Gen'leman in with his Luggage!"
Chimney-Sweep (
whose self-respect is hurt)
uses strong language!
'Bus-Driver. "
Beg Pard'n, Sir. Gen'leman ain't for us, Bill. He's a
lookin' out for a 'Hatlas. Goin' to Madam Toosawd's, to 'ave his Statty
done in Wax-Work!!"
[Pg 147a]
Particular to a Hair.
Irate Major (
to hairy Sub.). "
When next you come on Parade, Sir, have
the Goodness to Leave those con-founded Weathercocks behind you!"
[Pg 147b]
Chronology.
'Bus-Driver. "
They Tell me there've been some Coins found in these 'ere
'Exkyvations that 'a been Buried there a Matter o' Four or Five 'Undred
Year!!"
Passenger Friend. "
Oh, that's Nothin'! Why, there's some in the Bri'sh
Museum—ah—more than Two Thousand Year Old!!"
'Bus-Driver (
after a pause). "
Come, George, that won't do, yer know!
'Cause we're only in Eight'n 'Undred an' Sixty-Nine now!!!"
[Pg 147c]
"Bus-Measure."
'Bus-Driver. "
Never see the Comet?! Why, wherever could you 'a'——"
(
Notices Shortness of "Ge'tleman's" hair, &c., and hesitates).
"
Howsomever——"
Passenger (
relieving his embarrassment). "
Whereabouts was it?"
Driver. "
Well, I'll Tell yer. It was about the Length o' this yere Bus
from the forrardest Leader in the Great Bear!"
[Pg 148a]
Tricks upon Travellers.
Bonsor (
down upon little Stannery, who's a great boaster about his
"Swell" acquaintance, and his extensive "Travel," and this year
especially, down Palestine way). "
Did you see the DARDANELLES?"
Stannery. "
Eh! The—eh? Oh, ye'—yes! Jolly Fellars as ever I met! Dined
with 'em at Viennah!"
Little S. has left the Club.
[Pg 148b]
Quantity not Quality.
Brown, Senior. "
Well, Fred, what did you see during your Trip Abroad?"
Brown, Junior. "
Aw—'pon m'word, 'don't know what I saw 'xactly, 'only
know I did more by Three Countries, Eight Towns, and Four Mountains,
than Smith did in the same time!"
[Pg 149a]
"A Woman of Business."
Husband (
who has been on the Continent, and left his Wife some Blank
Cheques). "
My dear Louisa, I find you have considerably Overdrawn at
the Bank!"
Wife. "
O, Nonsense, Willy, how can that be? Why, I've two of those Blank
Cheques left yet!!"
[Pg 149b]
"Reason in Woman."
Young Wife. "
George, dear, I've had a Talk with the Servants this
Morning, and I've agreed to Raise their Wages. They said everything was
so Dear now—Meat was so High, and Coals had Risen to Such a Price, and
everything——I thought this was Reasonable, because I've so often heard
you Complain of the Same Thing."
[Pg 149c]
"Our Failures."
Husband. "
I say, Lizzie, what on Earth did you make this Mint-Sauce of?"
Young Wife (
who has been "helping" Cook). "
Parsley, to be sure!"
[Pg 150a]
"Where there's a Will there's a Way!"
Cook. "
Please, 'M, I wishes to Give Warning——"
Mistress (
surprised). "
Why, what's the Matter?"
Cook. "
The Fact is, Mum, I'm going to get Married!"
Mistress. "
Why, Cook, I did not Know you were Engaged!"
Cook. "
Which I ham not azactly Engaged as yet, Mum; but I Feels myself
to be of that 'Appy Disposition as I could Love hany Man, Mum!"
[Pg 150b]
"Satisfactory!"
Mistress. "
Well, Jessie, I'm going into Nairne, and will see your
Mother. Can I give her any Message from you?"
Jessie (
her first "place"). "
Ou, Mem, ye can just Say I'm unco' weel
Pleased wi' ye!!"
[Pg 150c]
"Ha! Ha! The Wooin' O't!"
Young Mistress (
gravely; she had seen an affectionate parting at the
garden-gate). "
I See you've got a Young Man, Jane!"
Jane (
apologetically). "
Only Walked Out with him Once, M'um!"
Mistress. "
O, but I Thought I Saw—didn't you—didn't he—take a Kiss,
Jane?"
Jane. "
O, M'm, only as a Friend, M'm!!"
[Pg 151a]
"The Way we Build now."
Indignant Houseowner (
he had heard it was so much cheaper, in the end,
to buy your House). "
Wh' what's the—what am I!—Wha'—what Do you
suppose is the meaning of this, Mr. Scampling!?"
Local Builder. "
T' Tut, Tut! Well, Sir, I 'spects some one's been
a-Leanin' agin it!!"
[Pg 151b]
"In the Long Run."
Town Gent. "
Now do you find keeping Poultry answers?"
Country Gent (
lately retired). "
O, 'es, s'posed to answer. Y' see
there's the original Cost of the Fowls—'f course the Food goes down to
me, y' know. Well, then, I Purchase the Eggs from the Children, and they
Eat them!!!"
[Pg 152a]
Rather too Literal.
Country Gentleman (
in a rage). "
Why, what have you been up to, you
Idiot! You've let him down, and——"
New Groom. "
Yes, yer Honner, ye tould me to Break him; an' Bruk he is,
Knees an' all, worse Luck!"
[Pg 152b]
"Bon Voyage!"
Mossu (
shot into a nice soft loam)
exultingly. "
A—ha—a! I am safe
O-vére! Now it is your Turn, Meester Timbre Jompre! Come on, Sabe!"
[Pg 153a]
"Fiat Experimentum," &c.
The Rector. "
Good Morning, Mrs. Smithers. How's the Baby? Isn't it
rather Early to bring him to Church? Don't you Think he'll be Restless?"
Mrs. Smithers. "
O, no, Sir, he'll be Quiet, Sir, which we Took him to
the Methodis' Chapel last Sunday o' Purpose to Try him, Sir!"
[Pg 153b]
Irreverent.
Policeman (
on the occasion of our "Confirmation"). "
Stop! Stop! Go
back! You mustn't come in here! We're expectin' o' the Bishop every
Minute!"
Cabby (
fortissimo). "
All right! Why've got the old Buffer inside!"
[Pg 154a]
Wet and Dry.
Careful Wife. "
Are you very wet, Dear?"
Ardent Angler (
turning up his flask). "
No; dry as a Lime-Kiln—haven't
had a drop these Two Hours!"
[Pg 154b]
"Not so Fast!"
Old Gent. (
soliloquising, in the Wilds of Glenmuchie). "
Ah, well, this
is very Jolly! Wealth's a great Blessing—not that I'm a Rich Man—but
after the Turmoil and Worry of Business, to be able to Retire to these
charming Solitudes, the Silence only Broken by the grateful Sounds of
the rippling Stream ('Burn,' I mean. Ah! I nearly had him then!), and
the Hum of the Bee! To be able to leave London and its tiresome
Millions, and forget all the Low——"
Voice from the Bridge (
the ubiquitous "'Arry"). "
Could yer 'Blige us
with a Worm, Gov'nour?"!!
[Pg 155a]
Banting in the Yeomanry.
Troop-Sergeant Major. "
It comes to this, Captain, 'a mun e'ther hev' a
New Jacket or knock off one o' my Meals!"
[Pg 155b]
Something from the Provinces.
Excursionist (
politely). "
Can you kindly Direct me the Nearest Way to
Slagley?"
Powerful Navvy. "
Ah can Poonch th' Head o' thee!"
Excursionist retires hastily.
[Pg 155c]
"Ways and Means."
First Country Gentleman. "
'Mean Hunting this Winter, Charlie?"
Second Country Gentleman (
doubtfully). "
'Shall try and 'Work' it."
First Country Gentleman. "
How?"
Second Country Gentleman. "
Give up the Under-Nurse, I think."
[Pg 155d]
Blank Firing.
Ancient Sportsman (
whose Sight is not what it used to be). "
Pick 'em
up, James, pick 'em up! Why don't you pick 'em up?"
Veteran Keeper. "
'Cause there bean't any down, my Lord!"
CONTENTS.
| |
|
PAGE |
| Adjustment |
|
20 |
| A Fortiori |
|
110 |
| Alarming |
|
44 |
| Alma Mater |
|
50 |
| Angling Extraordinary |
|
81 |
| Answer, a Soft |
|
22 |
| Anything for a Change |
|
118 |
| A Pledged M. P. |
|
4 |
| Appeal, a Final |
|
37 |
| Appearances |
|
118 |
| Arbiter Elegantiarum |
|
35 |
| Arcadian Amenities |
|
56 |
| Archery Meeting |
|
76 |
| Architecture (Irish) |
|
123 |
| Argumentum ad Hominem |
|
21 |
| Artful—Very! |
|
57 |
| Artist, Our |
|
54 |
| Art-School Conversazione, Our |
|
119 |
| As Well as can be Expected |
|
46 |
| Awkward! |
|
75 |
| Bad Customer |
|
2 |
| Badinage |
|
146 |
| Banting in the Yeomanry |
|
155 |
| Bargain, Driving a |
|
132 |
| Barometrical |
|
14 |
| Beard Movement, the |
|
106 |
| Beauty, a Thing of |
|
126 |
| Benediction! a |
|
133 |
| Bereaved |
|
96 |
| Between two Shoeblacks we fall, &c |
|
120 |
| Bird Show, the |
|
5 |
| Birthday Dinner-Party, Mrs. Frummage's |
|
134 |
| Blank Firing |
|
155 |
| Bon Voyage! |
|
100 |
| Boon Companions |
|
96 |
| Boxing-Day |
|
55 |
| Boys, those Dreadful |
|
80 |
| Breaking the Ice |
|
24 |
| Bric á Brac |
|
144 |
| Brother Brush |
|
84 |
| Brushing Pa's New Hat |
|
136 |
| Business! |
|
69 |
| Business! a Stroke of |
|
135 |
| Bus-Measure |
|
147 |
| By the Card |
|
41 |
| Candid |
|
132 |
| Canny |
|
68 |
| Casual Acquaintance, a |
|
43 |
| Catechism under Difficulties |
|
78 |
| Cavalry Criticism |
|
142 |
| Chaff |
|
31 |
| Change for the Better, a |
|
65 |
| Character, a Satisfactory |
|
98 |
| Chronology |
|
147 |
| Circumlocutory! |
|
43 |
| Civil Servants, H. M., What they have to Endure |
|
117 |
| Civil Service Miseries |
|
49 |
| Club Law |
|
94 |
| Colloquial Equivalents |
|
65 |
| Commissariat, the |
|
69 |
| Comparisons |
|
73 |
| Compliment, a |
|
47 |
| Complimentary |
|
39 |
| Compliments of the Season |
|
82 |
| Compliments of the Season |
|
82 |
| Compliments of the (Sketching) Season |
|
84 |
| Concert, the Morning |
|
97 |
| Conclusive |
|
58 |
| Confederate, a Treacherous |
|
23 |
| Confession |
|
134 |
| Confession in Confusion |
|
18 |
| Confidence, in |
|
98 |
| Connoisseur, the |
|
16 |
| Connoisseurs, the |
|
60 |
| Conscience, a Guilty |
|
74 |
| Conscience Clause, the |
|
101 |
| Considerate |
|
52 |
| Convalescent, the |
|
74 |
| Cool Card, a |
|
97 |
| Cricket |
|
23 |
| Criticism, Considerate |
|
109 |
| Criticism, Legitimate |
|
127 |
| Culture for the Working Classes |
|
43 |
| Cure, a Perfect |
|
45 |
| Curious |
|
118 |
| Dear, Dear Boy! |
|
83 |
| Decimals on Deck |
|
13 |
| Definition, a |
|
70 |
| Delicacy |
|
40 |
| Delicately Put |
|
73 |
| Depression |
|
86 |
| Desperate Case! |
|
25 |
| Dignity |
|
1 |
| Dilemma, a |
|
20 |
| Dinners, Little, How we arrange our |
|
58 |
| Disaffection! |
|
129 |
| Dish, a New |
|
53 |
| Distinction, a |
|
51 |
| Distracting |
|
47 |
| District Visitor, Trials of a |
|
127 |
| Durance |
|
3 |
| Duty and Pleasure |
|
69 |
| Education! |
|
23 |
| Embarrassing |
|
50 |
| Encouraging! |
|
90 |
| Equal to the Situation |
|
74 |
| Exchange! |
|
25 |
| Excuse, a Perfect |
|
107 |
| Exempli Gratia |
|
102 |
| Extenuating Circumstances |
|
70 |
| Extortion |
|
130 |
| Fahrenheit |
|
107 |
| Failing, a Little |
|
60 |
| Failures, Our |
|
149 |
| Familiarity breeds Contempt |
|
124 |
| Family Man, a |
|
15 |
| Family Pride |
|
1 |
| Family Ties |
|
8 |
| Feather, the last (Co-operative) |
|
129 |
| Fiat Experimentum |
|
153 |
| Fine Art |
|
145 |
| Finishing Touch, the |
|
109 |
| Fish, a Big |
|
56 |
| Fishing, an Evening's (behind the Distillery at Sligo) |
|
121 |
| Flattering |
|
72 |
| Flunkeianum |
|
137 |
| For Better for Worse |
|
7 |
| Game (a) Two can Play at |
|
13 |
| Gamut, the |
|
141 |
| Garrison Instruction |
|
142 |
| Grandiloquence |
|
77 |
| Gratitude |
|
93 |
| Grey Mare, the |
|
58 |
| Gentility in Greens |
|
9 |
| Geology |
|
96 |
| Golden Age Restored, the |
|
63 |
| Habit, Force of |
|
50 |
| Habit, a Luxurious |
|
63 |
| Ha! Ha! the Wooin' o' it |
|
150 |
| Happy Thought |
|
82 |
| Hard Lines |
|
35 |
| Hardship, a |
|
140 |
| Hard-up on a Wet Day |
|
99 |
| Harp in the Air, the |
|
122 |
| Heresy |
|
42 |
| He thought he was Safe |
|
108 |
| Hibernian Veracity |
|
111 |
| High Life below Stairs! |
|
94 |
| Hoist with his own Pomade |
|
47 |
| Hunting Appointments |
|
89 |
| Hunting Idiot |
|
54 |
| Hygiene |
|
108 |
| Hyperbole |
|
88 |
| Ignorance, Crass |
|
10 |
| Im-pertinent |
|
120 |
| Incidit in Scyllam, &c. |
|
117 |
| Incombinable Elements |
|
99 |
| Ingenuas Didicisse, &c. |
|
36 |
| Ingenuity, Irish |
|
12 |
| In the Long Run |
|
151 |
| Initiative, Obvious |
|
132 |
| Inspection, Our |
|
89 |
| Intelligent Pet |
|
12 |
| In Vino Memoria |
|
78 |
| Io Bacche! |
|
60 |
| Irish Grievances, Real |
|
88 |
| Irreverent |
|
153 |
| Irrevocable |
|
55 |
| Is it Pos-sible?! |
|
31 |
| It's an Ill Wind, |
|
90 |
| It's the Pace that Kills |
|
141 |
| Jeopardy, in |
|
41 |
| Just in Time |
|
17 |
| Knowledge, Pursuit of |
|
95 |
| Labor, Division of |
|
38 |
| Lapsus Linguæ |
|
76 |
| Last Word, the |
|
91 |
| Le Jeu ne vaut pas la Chandelle |
|
28 |
| Lessons in the Vacation |
|
138 |
| Let Well alone! |
|
28 |
| Levelling Up |
|
77 |
| Liberal to a Fault |
|
48 |
| Like her Impudence |
|
140 |
| Lingua East Anglia |
|
62 |
| Little and Good |
|
135 |
| Look before you Leap |
|
27 |
| Lucid! |
|
26 |
| Lucus a Non, &c. |
|
88 |
| Luxury, Seasonable |
|
22 |
| Making Things Pleasant |
|
81 |
| Mal Apropos |
|
18 |
| Manners! |
|
116 |
| Manœuvres, Our (1) |
|
19 |
| Manœuvres, Our (2) |
|
59 |
| March of Refinement |
|
2 |
| Master of the Situation?! |
|
116 |
| Matter! |
|
37 |
| Meat Supply, the |
|
66 |
| Menace |
|
126 |
| Men were Deceivers ever |
|
49 |
| Mens Conscia |
|
1 |
| Mercies, Small, (not) Thankful for |
|
39 |
| Military Manœuvres |
|
19 |
| Mind and Matter |
|
79 |
| Mine of Speculation, a |
|
21 |
| Misnomer, a |
|
128 |
| Mistakes will Happen |
|
136 |
| Mistletoe Bough, Oh the |
|
42 |
| Model, an Irish |
|
133 |
| More than one for his Nob |
|
137 |
| Music in the Midlands |
|
106 |
| Music of the Future—Sensation Opera |
|
94 |
| Mystery solved, The |
|
3 |
| Mystification |
|
71 |
| Nae that Fou! |
|
110 |
| Narcotic, a |
|
15 |
| Natural Advantages |
|
113 |
| Nature and Art |
|
113 |
| Never say 'Die' |
|
36 |
| Nimble Ninepence, the |
|
125 |
| No accounting for Taste |
|
64 |
| Noblesse oblige! |
|
105 |
| No Mistake, this Time |
|
27 |
| No such Luck |
|
30 |
| Not Proven |
|
121 |
| Not so Fast! |
|
154 |
| Not to put too fine a Point on it |
|
36 |
| Obliging |
|
71 |
| Off! |
|
38 |
| Offender, an Old |
|
55 |
| Offer, a Fair |
|
111 |
| Officer (an) and a Gentleman! |
|
143 |
| Once for All |
|
92 |
| On the Face of it |
|
131 |
| Order, an Extensive |
|
30 |
| Ornaments for your Fire-Stoves |
|
131 |
| Panic in the Kitchen, a |
|
32 |
| Parthian Shaft, a |
|
115 |
| Particular! |
|
34 |
| Particular! |
|
90 |
| Particular to a Hair |
|
147 |
| Partner, Vivifying Treatment of a |
|
34 |
| Passage of Arms, a |
|
137 |
| Penny Wise |
|
46 |
| Perils of the Deep |
|
4 |
| Personal! |
|
100 |
| Perspective! |
|
79 |
| Pet, Intelligent |
|
3 |
| Pickles, Mixed |
|
126 |
| Pic-nic, the |
|
57 |
| Pink of Fashion, the |
|
5 |
| Plain to Demonstration |
|
9 |
| Pleasant for Simpkins! |
|
128 |
| Pleasuring! |
|
107 |
| Plutocrat, a |
|
37 |
| Point of View, a |
|
87 |
| Point of View, from one |
|
119 |
| Poor Humanity! |
|
7 |
| Precise |
|
29 |
| Presence of Mind |
|
144 |
| Prevention's better than Cure |
|
8 |
| Profanation |
|
80 |
| Proof Positive |
|
32 |
| Prospect, a Pleasant (1) |
|
67 |
| Prospect, a Pleasant (2) |
|
85 |
| Prospect, a Nice |
|
95 |
| Provinces, Something from the |
|
155 |
| Prudence, Common |
|
6 |
| Pulpit-Critics, Stern |
|
68 |
| Qualifications |
|
33 |
| Quantity, not Quality |
|
148 |
| Quite another Thing |
|
111 |
| Quite Superfluous |
|
105 |
| Races not yet Extinct |
|
20 |
| Rather too Literal |
|
152 |
| Ready! |
|
83 |
| Reason in Woman |
|
149 |
| Reassuring |
|
67 |
| Reductio ad Absurdum |
|
86 |
| Refrigerated Tourists |
|
2 |
| Refusal, a Rash |
|
73 |
| Register! Register! |
|
120 |
| Relapse |
|
97 |
| Reminiscences |
|
46 |
| Reproof, Proper |
|
135 |
| Res Angustæ Domi |
|
11 |
| Reserves, Our |
|
59 |
| Reserves, Our Auxiliary Forces, North of Ireland |
|
146 |
| Restraints of Society |
|
114 |
| Retributive Justice |
|
41 |
| Revenge for the Union, More |
|
13 |
| Riding Lesson, the |
|
26 |
| Roll-Call, the |
|
9 |
| Romance of the Kitchen |
|
82 |
| Run of the House, the |
|
103 |
| Running Drill, the New |
|
19 |
| Rural Simplicity |
|
78 |
| Rustic Recollections |
|
52 |
| Sacrifice |
|
70 |
| Satisfactory! |
|
150 |
| Sausage Machine, the |
|
16 |
| Scruples |
|
123 |
| Scrupulous |
|
12 |
| Season, a Bad |
|
124 |
| Secrets |
|
115 |
| Selling him a Pennyworth |
|
65 |
| Sermon, the First |
|
24 |
| Servants, the (1) |
|
35 |
| Servants, the (2) |
|
40 |
| Servants, the (3) |
|
104 |
| Servants, the (4) |
|
127 |
| Service (the) going to, |
|
143 |
| Silence is Golden |
|
14 |
| Silly Suffolk (?) Pastorals—Reciprocity |
|
76 |
| Silver Lining to a Cloud, not a |
|
53 |
| Simple Addition |
|
114 |
| Simplicity, Sweet |
|
115 |
| Sinister Slip, a |
|
49 |
| Slip o' the Tongue, a |
|
18 |
| Small Mercies |
|
44 |
| Sold—Cheap |
|
64 |
| Son, a Kind |
|
10 |
| Son, a Degenerate |
|
25 |
| Spoiling it |
|
33 |
| Straightforward View, a |
|
51 |
| Struggle for Existence, the |
|
98 |
| Suit your Talk to your Company |
|
75 |
| Suspicion! |
|
86 |
| Sweet is Revenge—especially to Women! |
|
24 |
| Sympathy (1) |
|
48 |
| Sympathy (2) |
|
103 |
| Tailors' Strike, in consequence of the |
|
45 |
| Temper, the Triumphs of |
|
6 |
| Temptation |
|
33 |
| Terms, Cash |
|
93 |
| Theatricals, Our |
|
72 |
| The Better the Day, |
|
51 |
| The Way we Build now |
|
151 |
| The Way we had in the Army |
|
143 |
| The Way we Live now |
|
112 |
| The more Haste, the less Speed |
|
87 |
| Themis, Irish Ideal of |
|
122 |
| There's many a Slip |
|
62 |
| Tho' lost to Sight |
|
29 |
| Thrift |
|
123 |
| Ticket of Leave, a |
|
66 |
| 'Tis better not to Know |
|
30 |
| Too Bad! |
|
141 |
| Too Late |
|
106 |
| Too True! |
|
92 |
| Tourists, Refrigerated |
|
2 |
| Tracts! |
|
66 |
| Trade, State of |
|
27 |
| Travellers, Tricks upon |
|
148 |
| Truth, a Half |
|
7 |
| Trying |
|
5 |
| Turk, a Regular |
|
117 |
| Turn about |
|
81 |
| Two Sides to a Question |
|
85 |
| Tyranny |
|
45 |
| Ulster, the |
|
14 |
| Unconscionable |
|
15 |
| Unprejudiced! |
|
10 |
| Up and Down Stairs |
|
92 |
| Veneration |
|
22 |
| Vested Interests |
|
31 |
| Veteran, a |
|
61 |
| Wages and Wives |
|
95 |
| Warning, Awful |
|
16 |
| Ways and Means |
|
155 |
| Weather, a Change in the |
|
11 |
| Weights and Measures |
|
44 |
| Well Meant |
|
113 |
| Wet and Dry |
|
154 |
| What Next? |
|
104 |
| What's in a Name? |
|
53 |
| What's the Odds? |
|
61 |
| When you are about it |
|
103 |
| Where Ignorance is Bliss |
|
39 |
| Where there's a Will there's a Way! |
|
150 |
| Wimbledon |
|
139 |
| Winkles! |
|
128 |
| Woman-hater, a |
|
102 |
| Woman of Business, a |
|
149 |
| Woman's Rights |
|
68 |
| Words and Weights |
|
17 |
| XXX cellent Reasons |
|
48 |
| Zoology |
|
130 |
Transcriber's Note:
The index has been moved from the beginning of the book to the
end for the reader's convenience.
In the original book, there were two or three illustrations on each
page. The illustrations have been enlarged and there is now one
illustration on each page. The page numbers have been adjusted
accordingly, for example the illustrations on page 102 are now on pages
102a, 102b and 102c.
The punctuation and spelling in the text are as printed in the original
publication.
