The Foreign Tour of Messrs. Brown, Jones, and Robinson

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Plate numbers, including the combined “49 & 50”, are in the original. Headnotes were printed on each page; for the e-text, they are shown only when there was a change. Horizontal layout is as in the original, except that “Scene I” and “Scene II” of Plate 70 (the Accademia, Venice) were printed side by side.

Contents (added by transcriber)

AFTER A ROUGH PASSAGE, BROWN, JONES, AND ROBINSON ARE HERE SEEN LANDED AT OSTEND, SURROUNDED, AND A LITTLE BEWILDERED, BY THE NATIVES, WHO OVERWHELM THEM WITH ATTENTIONS—SEIZE THE LUGGAGE, THRUST CARDS INTO THEIR HANDS, DRAG THEM IN SEVERAL DIRECTIONS AT ONCE, ALL TALKING TOGETHER (WHICH PREVENTED THEIR DIRECTIONS BEING SO CLEAR AS THEY OTHERWISE WOULD HAVE BEEN)—AND, FINALLY, ALL EXPECTING MONEY!

ROBINSON AND JONES (ALARMED BY EXPRESSION OF BROWN’S COUNTENANCE). —“WHAT’S THE MATTER NOW?” BROWN (IN A VOICE OF AGONY). —“I’VE LEFT THE KEY OF MY BAG AT HOME!”

TRAVELLERS PASSING THEIR EXAMINATION. IN THE FOREGROUND IS JONES’S PORTMANTEAU UNDERGOING THE “ORDEAL BY TOUCH.”

MANNER AND CUSTOM OF THE PEOPLE, AS SEEN FROM THE RAILWAY BY BROWN, AND MADE A NOTE OF.

B. J. AND R., WHO TOOK THEIR PLACES ON THE ROOF THE BETTER TO COMMAND THE VIEW, ARE SEEN AT THE MOMENT WHEN THE IDEA OCCURRED TO THE TWO FORMER THAT THEY MIGHT POSSIBLY NOT “FIT” UNDER THE ARCHWAY. ROBINSON IS SO WRAPPED UP IN THOUGHT, AND A CIGAR, THAT HE IS UNCONSCIOUS OF ALL ELSE.

THIS REPRESENTS THE COLOGNE OMNIBUS ON ITS JOURNEY FROM THE STATION INTO THE CITY, WHEN STOPPED BY THE MILITARY, AND MADE TO “STAND AND DELIVER” THE PASSPORTS.

ARRIVAL AT THE HOTEL, AND FIRST COMING IN SIGHT OF THAT AMIABLE AND OBLIGING RACE, THE GERMAN WAITER. HE IS SMALL IN STATURE (SCARCELY THE SIZE OF LIFE, AS JONES REMARKED), AND REMAINS ALWAYS A BOY.

“SPEISE-SAAL” HOTEL, COLOGNE—ENTER BROWN, JONES, AND ROBINSON, FATIGUED, AND SOMEWHAT DISORDERED BY TRAVEL, AND “SO HUNGRY.”

HOW AN AGENT OF JEAN MARIA FARINA ADDRESSED THEM, WHO WAS KIND ENOUGH TO PUT SOME OF THE CELEBRATED “EAU” UPON THEIR HANDKERCHIEFS, AND TO RECEIVE ORDERS FOR THE SAME.

THE REAL EAU DE COLOGNE, AND ITS EFFECT UPON THE NOSES OF THREE ILLUSTRIOUS INDIVIDUALS.

THIS SCENE REPRESENTS THE RHINE BOAT ABOUT TO START FROM BONN, AND PASSENGERS FROM THE RAILWAY EMBARKING. IN THE FOREGROUND AN ACCIDENT HAS OCCURRED, A PORTER HAVING UPSET THE LUGGAGE OF AN ENGLISH FAMILY, THE HEAD OF WHICH IS SALUTING HIM WITH THE NATIONAL “DAMN,” WHILE THE COURIER OF THE PARTY EXPRESSES THE SAME IDEA IN GERMAN.

AMONGST THEM WAS A TRAVELLING TUTOR, AND THREE YOUNG GENTLEMEN, HIS PUPILS. HE STOOD IN THE MIDST OF THEM SMILING BLANDLY, AN OPEN VOLUME IN HIS HAND, (PROBABLY A CLASSIC AUTHOR,) BETWEEN WHICH, AND HIS PUPILS, AND THE SCENERY, HE DIVIDED HIS ATTENTION IN ABOUT EQUAL PARTS. THERE WAS A SPECIMEN OF THE ENGLISH GRUMBLER, BIG, BURLY, AND AS IF IN DANGER OF CHOKING FROM THE TIGHTNESS OF HIS CRAVAT. EVERY ONE KNOWS HIM, HIS PLEASANT WAYS, AND HIS CONSTANT FLOW OF GOOD HUMOUR AND CHEERFULNESS; THAT IS HE, SITTING TO THE RIGHT. THERE WERE BESIDES, NUMEROUS YOUNG GENTLEMEN FROM THE UNIVERSITIES, FROM THE ARMY, FROM THE BAR, ALL WITH MORE OR LESS HAIR ON THEIR UPPER LIPS; AND THERE WAS A CAVALRY OFFICER OF THE RUSSIAN GUARD, AND A PROFESSOR, ON HIS WAY TO HEIDELBERG, AND LOOSE, DISHEVELLED, HAIRY, SMOKY YOUNG GERMANS, WITH LONG BEARDS, AND LONGER PIPES. AND THERE WAS A BRITISH NOBLEMAN, AND A BRITISH ALDERMAN, AND A BRITISH ALDERWOMAN; AND THERE WERE BRITISH LADIES WHOM I CAN’T DESCRIBE, BECAUSE THEY WORE THOSE “UGLY” THINGS WHICH PREVENT THEM BEING SEEN; INTELLIGENT YOUNG AMERICANS ON THEIR WAY ALL OVER THE WORLD; NUNS, WITH THEIR QUIET, HAPPY FACES; RED REPUBLICANS FROM FRANKFORT, AND SNOBS FROM LONDON.

AS HE STOOD CONTEMPLATING THE RHINE-LAND, WONDERING IF IT WOULD BE POSSIBLE TO LIVE IN THAT COUNTRY; AND CONSIDERING (SUPPOSING HE HAD ONE OF THOSE CASTLES, NOW) HOW MANY THOUSANDS A-YEAR ONE COULD DO IT WITH. THE SCENERY WOULD DO; AND WITH ENGLISH INSTITUTIONS IT MIGHT BE MADE A GOOD THING OF.

EVEN THE NUN WAS NOT SAFE FROM BROWN. HE IS HERE SEEN TAKING HER OFF, IN A RAPID ACT OF SKETCHING.

THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO BE AN M.P. TRAVELLING IN SEARCH OF “FACTS.” HE IS GIVING BROWN HIS VIEWS; AND ALSO THE STATISTICS OF EVERYTHING.

BROWN MAY BE SEEN SEATED THERE UPON THE PADDLE-BOX, RAPIDLY SKETCHING EVERY CHURCH, RUINED CASTLE, TOWN, OR OTHER OBJECT OF INTEREST ON EITHER BANK OF THE RIVER. THOSE ARE JONES AND ROBINSON, LEANING OVER THE SIDE OF THE BOAT BELOW HIM. OBSERVE, ALSO, THE STOUT PARTY WHO HAS CALLED FOR BRANDY-AND-WATER, AND WHOSE COUNTENANCE ALMOST LAPSES INTO A SMILE AS “KELLNER” APPROACHES WITH THE BEVERAGE. THE TUTOR, IT IS PLEASANT TO SEE, HAS AT LAST PUT HIS “CLASSIC” IN HIS POCKET, AND GIVES HIMSELF UP TO THE UNDIVIDED ENJOYMENT OF THE SCENE, WHILE HIS “YOUNG CHARGE” IS WRAPPED IN CONTEMPLATION OF MECHANICAL SCIENCE AS EXEMPLIFIED IN THE STRUCTURE OF THE WHEEL. AND THAT MUST SURELY BE THE GENT WHO HAS SUCH A LOW OPINION OF THE BEAUTY OF THE RHINE-LAND, SEATED AT THE STERN OF THE BOAT WITH HIS LEGS DANGLING OVER THE RIVER. LET US HOPE THAT HE IS HAPPY NOW!

HOW HAPPY HE LOOKS! HE DISLIKES THE HUM OF MEN, AND SITS ALL DAY SHUT UP IN HIS CARRIAGE READING THE LITERATURE OF HIS COUNTRY. HOW RUDE OF THOSE GERMANS TO BE LAUGHING AND JOKING SO NEAR HIS LORDSHIP!

INDIGNATION OF ROBINSON, AT SIGHT OF INADEQUATE WASHING APPARATUS. HE RANG THE BELL WITH SUCH VIOLENCE, THAT ALL THE WAITERS RUSHED IN, THINKING THAT THE HOTEL WAS ON FIRE, OR THAT A REVOLUTION HAD BROKEN OUT.

THERE HE STOOD, POINTING TO THE WATER, ABOUT HALF A PINT IN A BASIN THE SIZE OF A BREAKFAST CUP; AND IN A VOICE OF SUPPRESSED EMOTION, DEMANDING TO KNOW IF “DAS IST, ETC.”

IF YOU SHOULD FORGET THE NUMBER OF YOUR KEY AND ROOM (as BROWN did on returning late from the theatre), WHAT ARE YOU TO DO?

HOW THIS ANIMAL SEEMED TO HAVE IMBIBED COMMUNISTIC PRINCIPLES, AND HOW HE STOLE A SAUSAGE, AND HOW THE POPULATION ROSE LIKE ONE MAN, AND HUNTED HIM THROUGH THE TOWN.

HAVING DONE SO, HE LOOKS STOUTER THAN HE DID, AND IS INCLINED TO REST. THE INHABITANTS, EAGER FOR VENGEANCE, SURROUND HIM, BUT ARE KEPT AT BAY BY THE EXPRESSION OF HIS COUNTENANCE.

ONE BURLY PEASANT HAVING THE HARDIHOOD TO APPROACH TOO NEAR, HE IS MADE AS EXAMPLE OF. Exeunt omnes.

BROWN, WITH NOBLE PERSEVERANCE, SITS UPON THE PADDLE-BOX, REGARDLESS OF THE STORM, AND SKETCHES THE CASTLES AND TOWNS, AS THE STEAM-BOAT PASSES THEM.

—TILL IN A MOMENT OF GRIEF HIS HAT AND SEVERAL SKETCHES WERE CARRIED OFF FOR EVER: AND THEN HE THOUGHT IT TIME TO GO BELOW.

THEY NOW BECAME ENVELOPED IN WHAT SEEMED A COMBINATION OF FOG (LONDON NOVEMBER) AND MIST (SCOTCH). ONLY THINK OF THOSE TWO NATIONAL INSTITUTIONS GOING UP THE RHINE WITH THE REST OF THE FASHIONABLE WORLD. AT FIRST IT OBSCURED THE HILL TOPS, WITH THE RUINS THEREON; THEN THE VILLAGES AND VINEYARDS BELOW; AND FINALLY BOTH BANKS OF THE RIVER ENTIRELY DISAPPEARED. THE COMPANY ON BOARD THE STEAMBOAT DID NOT, AT THIS PERIOD, PRESENT THE MOST CHEERFUL ASPECT.

HOW ROBINSON’S FAVOURITE PORTMANTEAU, WHICH HE HAD FORGOTTEN TO LOCK, WAS DROPPED ACCIDENTALLY BY A PORTER WHILE CONVEYING IT TO THE OMNIBUS.

HOW THEY VISITED A “QUARTER” OF THE CITY OF FRANKFORT, AND WHAT THEY SAW THERE!

ROBINSON THINKS IT “THE THING” TO ENCOURAGE NATIVE INDUSTRY WHEREVER HE GOES, AND SO BUYS A GERMAN PIPE.

WHILE BROWN, JONES, AND ROBINSON SUPPED, A PARTY OF PHILOSOPHERS CARRY ON AN ÆSTHETICAL DISCUSSION, WITH AN ACCOMPANIMENT OF PIPES AND BEER.

“* * * THE NIGHT WAS BEAUTIFUL, SO WE DETERMINED AFTER SUPPER TO HAVE A LOOK AT THE CELEBRATED CASTLE—JONES AND I DID, THAT IS TO SAY, FOR ROBINSON WAS SO FATIGUED WITH TRAVEL THAT HE DECLINED MOVING, MUTTERING SOMETHING ABOUT ‘CASTLE CAN WAIT.’ WE ASCENDED; THE MOON SHONE BRIGHTLY THROUGH THE RUINS, AND BATHED THE LANDSCAPE IN ITS SILVERY LIGHT, THE BEAUTIFUL NECKAR FLOWING AT OUR FEET. UNDER US LAY THE TOWN, A THOUSAND LIGHTS TWINKLING IN THE STILLNESS.” * * “SUDDENLY, TO OUR HORROR, THERE APPEARED UPON THE TERRACE ‘THE BORE!’” —Extract from Brown’s Journal.

ROBINSON, AFTER THE DEPARTURE OF JONES AND BROWN, SEATED HIMSELF BEFORE THE FIRE AND FELL FAST ASLEEP.

HE CONTINUED IN THAT STATE, NOTWITHSTANDING THAT THE PHILOSOPHERS BECAME VERY NOISY, AND EVEN WARLIKE.

—AND ALTHOUGH—AFTER THE LATTER HAD RETIRED (FORTUNATELY WITHOUT COMING TO BLOWS)—HIS CHAIR TOPPLED OVER, HE QUIETLY ASSUMED A HORIZONTAL POSITION.

FANCY THE FEELINGS OF JONES AND BROWN ON RETURNING, AND FINDING THEIR FRIEND LYING ON HIS BACK UPON THE FLOOR, SNORING!

NEXT MORNING THEY ENTERTAINED ROBINSON WITH A THRILLING ACCOUNT OF THE DANGERS OF THEIR EXPEDITION, IN WHICH THAT DREADFUL DOG FILLED A VERY LARGE SPACE.

THE ABOVE WILL GIVE SOME FAINT IDEA OF WHAT THEY PICTURED TO THEMSELVES (AND TO ROBINSON).

Brown, Jones, and Robinson have arrived at ——, the capital of ——, a small German state (we won’t say which, as it would be giving it an undue distinction, and might offend the others).

They have been received with distinguished consideration, the “local” paper having announced their arrival as Count Robinson, Sir Brown, and the Rev. Jones. They have been invited to be present at a grand review, and Robinson—who amongst other necessaries in those portmanteaus of his, carried a uniform as Captain of Yeomanry—thought that this was just the proper occasion to appear in it. Accordingly, he rode on to the ground upon a charger (hired), in the character of a warrior, with a solemnity of countenance befitting the scene and his country, and accompanied by Jones (also mounted), but in the costume of an ordinary individual of the period. Brown preferred going on foot. That is Robinson in the centre. Just at the time when he ought to be riding up the line, inspecting the troops with the Grand Duke and his staff—his horse (a “disgusting brute,” as Robinson afterwards described him, “who could not have been in the habit of carrying gentlemen”) suddenly stood on his hind legs, in the very middle of the field, so that his rider was forced to cling on to him in an absurd manner, in full view of the army, the people, and the court.

1. Robinson. 2. The Grand Duke. 3. The Crown Prince. 4. The Rest of the Serene Family. 5. Mr. Jones. 6. The Population. 7. Mr. Jones’s Dog. 8. Mr. Brown. 9. The Army. 10. Distant View of the Capital. 11. Foreign Visitors. 12. Monument to late Duke.

JONES’S DOG HAVING COME UPON A SENTINEL, AND STRUCK, PERHAPS, BY HIS SMALL SIZE COMPARED WITH THE SENTINELS HE IS USED TO, COMMENCES TO SAY, “BOW!—WOW!—WOW!—WEW—U—U!”

THE SOLDIER, OFFENDED BY THESE REMARKS, PRESENTS FOR THE ANIMAL’S CONSIDERATION, THE POINT OF HIS BAYONET.

JONES WAS LATE AT BREAKFAST; HE FOUND ROBINSON READING “GALIGNANI,” AND BROWN LOOKING OUT OF WINDOW, AND AFTER GIVING THEM AN AMUSING ACCOUNT OF THE FUN HE HAD HAD, WAS JUST SITTING DOWN TO THE TABLE, WHEN BROWN SHOUTED OUT, “BY JOVE, THERE IS A REGIMENT OF SOLDIERS COMING DOWN THE STREET!”

AT FIRST JONES WAS INCREDULOUS; BUT PRESENTLY BROWN, HIS HAIR STANDING ON END, RUSHED TOWARDS HIM, AND IN A VOICE OF AGONY, CRIED, “AS SURE AS WE ARE ALIVE THEY HAVE STOPPED IN FRONT OF THE HOUSE, AND THE OFFICER IS COMING IN!”

IT WAS TOO TRUE. THE SOLDIERS HAD COME TO LOOK AFTER THE ENGLISHMAN WHO HAD ATTACKED AND BEATEN THEIR COMRADE.

AFTER A FEW MOMENTS OF BREATHLESS SUSPENSE, THE OFFICER ENTERS—JONES STANDS LIKE A MAN ABOUT TO STRUGGLE WITH ADVERSITY.

ROBINSON, IN AGONY, CALLS FOR HIS COAT AND HAT, “FOR,” AS HE CRIED OUT TO BROWN, “NOT A MOMENT IS TO BE LOST IN ENDEAVOURING TO SEE THE BRITISH MINISTER.”

THEY GAIN AN AUDIENCE OF HIS EXCELLENCY THE BRITISH MINISTER, AND ASK HIS INTERFERENCE IN BEHALF OF A PERSECUTED COUNTRYMAN.

WE ARE HAPPY TO ADD THAT THE INTERFERENCE WAS QUITE SUCCESSFUL. JONES WAS LIBERATED IMMEDIATELY, AND SHORTLY AFTERWARDS THE BRITISH MINISTER FOR FOREIGN AFFAIRS, IN A DESPATCH TO THE GERMAN MINISTER FOR THE SAME, EXPRESSED HIS CONVICTION THAT “THE WHOLE CIVILISED WORLD REPROBATED, WITH ONE VOICE, A SYSTEM AT ONCE TYRANNICAL AND CRUEL, A REMNANT OF THE DARKEST AGES OF MAN’S HISTORY, AND UTTERLY UNWORTHY OF THE PRESENT ERA OF PROGRESS AND ENLIGHTENMENT.”

OUR FRIENDS WERE ADVISED, HOWEVER, TO LEAVE THE COUNTRY AS SOON AND AS QUIETLY AS POSSIBLE. THEY DEPARTED ACCORDINGLY.

HOW BROWN AND JONES WENT IN A THIRD CLASS CARRIAGE (ROBINSON WOULD NOT; IT DID NOT SEEM “RESPECTABLE”), THAT THEY MIGHT SEE THE NATIVES, AND HOW B. DREW THE PORTRAIT OF ONE, TO HER EVIDENT DISSATISFACTION.

ACCORDING TO THE GUIDE-BOOK, THE PAINTINGS ON THE WALL REPRESENT FURST, STAUFFACH, AND MELCHTHAL, SWEARING TO LIBERATE THEIR COUNTRY; BUT JONES SAID HE BELIEVED THEM TO BE PORTRAITS OF A MEDIEVAL SWISS BROWN, JONES, AND ROBINSON, IN THE ACT OF VOWING ETERNAL FRIENDSHIP.

“WE GOT OUT OF THE DILIGENCE (AT A TIME WHEN IT WAS OBLIGED TO GO VERY SLOWLY), IN ORDER TO MAKE AN EXCURSION ON FOOT IN SEARCH OF THE PICTURESQUE, BEING TOLD THAT WE MIGHT MEET THE CARRIAGE AT A CERTAIN POINT, ABOUT A MILE FURTHER ON. WE SAW MANY MAGNIFICENT VIEWS, AND DID A GREAT DEAL OF WHAT MIGHT BE CALLED ROUGH WALKING; BUT PERHAPS THE THING THAT STRUCK US MOST WAS, THAT ON EMERGING AT THE APPOINTED SPOT FOR REJOINING THE DILIGENCE, WE BEHELD IT A SPECK IN THE DISTANCE, JUST DEPARTING OUT OF SIGHT.” —Extract from Jones’s Journal.

HAVING TAKEN THEIR PLACES ON THE OUTSIDE OF THE DILIGENCE, BROWN, JONES, AND ROBINSON CAN THE BETTER ENJOY THE GRANDEUR OF THE SCENERY.

IT WAS THEIR FIRST DAY IN ITALY, AND HOW THEY DID ENJOY IT! THE REPAST WAS SERVED IN A STONE SUMMER-HOUSE ATTACHED TO THE HOTEL. THE SUN WAS SO BRIGHT, AND SO HOT; THE SKY WAS SO BLUE, THE VEGETATION SO GREEN, THE MOUNTAINS SO PURPLE, THE GRAPES SO LARGE, AND EVERYTHING SO BEAUTIFUL, THAT BROWN AND JONES BOTH DECIDED THAT THE SCENE FULLY REALISED ALL THEIR IMAGININGS OF ITALY. ROBINSON WAS ENTHUSIASTIC, TOO, AT FIRST, AND WAS BEGINNING TO SAY SOMETHING ABOUT “ITALIA, O ITALIA,” WHEN HIS EYE LIT UPON A GREEN LIZARD RUNNING UP THE WALL. FROM THAT MOMENT HE WAS MORE SUBDUED.

THEY LAND UPON AUSTRIAN TERRITORY EN ROUTE FOR MILAN. WHILE THE “PROPER OFFICER” TAKES POSSESSION OF THEIR PASSPORTS, THE WHOLE AVAILABLE POPULATION POUNCES UPON THE LUGGAGE, AND, AFTER APPORTIONING IT INTO “SMALL ALLOTMENTS,” CARRIES IT OFF TO THE CUSTOM HOUSE.

THE OFFICIAL HERE IS SEEN “POINTING” ON THE SCENT (AS HE THINKS) OF CONTRABAND GOODS IN ONE OF ROBINSON’S PORTMANTEAUS. HE DID NOT “FIND,” BUT IN THE HUNT, TOSSED R.’S “THINGS” DREADFULLY. BROWN REVENGED THE WRONGS OF SELF AND FRIENDS, BY TAKING A FULL LENGTH, ON THE SPOT, OF THAT IMPOSING ADMINISTRATOR, WHO STANDS OVER THERE, WITH THE PASSPORTS IN HIS HAND.

“’KNOWEST THOU THE LAND’ WHERE THE GRAPES ARE AS PLENTIFUL AS BLACKBERRIES IN ENGLAND; AND WHERE ONE HAS ONLY TO STOP A MINUTE AT THE ROADSIDE, AND PULL NO END OF ’EM. O ’TIS THERE! ’TIS THERE! ETC.” —Robinson’s Letters to his Kinsfolk.

ROBINSON, WITH WARMTH, AND SOME DISTANCE BEHIND,— “WHAT IS THE USE OF GOING ON AT THAT RATE?”

“NOW DO, ROBINSON, JUMP UP LIKE A GOOD FELLOW; WE OUGHT TO BE STARTING NOW—AND THINK HOW PLEASANT IT WILL BE, ONCE YOU ARE UP!”

ROBINSON’S DETERMINATION TO LET HIS BEARD GROW “NATURALLY,” HAD AN ABSURD RESULT, THE HAIR GROWING IN VIOLENT AND ABRUPT CROPS IN SOME PLACES, AND NOT AT ALL IN OTHERS; SO THAT JONES, WHO WAS SENSITIVE ABOUT APPEARANCES, (AND WHOSE OWN MOUSTACHE WAS DOING BEAUTIFULLY,) INSISTED AT LAST UPON R.’S BEING SHAVED, WHICH EVENT ACCORDINGLY TOOK PLACE IN THE CITY OF MILAN. IT WAS WELL THAT ROBINSON CONSENTED, FOR THE BARBER EYED HIM EAGERLY, AND AS IF HE WOULD SPRING UPON HIM AND SHAVE HIM BY FORCE.

THE MOMENT WE SEATED OURSELVES IN A CAFÉ, AN AWFUL GROUP OF BEGGARS STOOD BEFORE US—SO SUDDENLY THAT THEY APPEARED TO HAVE COME UP THROUGH A TRAP-DOOR—AND DEMANDED ALMS. THEY WOULD NOT GO WITHOUT MONEY, AND WHEN THEY GOT IT THEY TOOK IT AS A RIGHT. IT WOULD NOT DO FOR ONE OF US TO “SETTLE” WITH THEM FOR THE WHOLE PARTY, FOR NO SOONER HAD I GIVEN THEM A COIN THAN THEY TURNED TO JONES, AND WHEN DONE WITH HIM, COOLLY SET UPON ROBINSON. THE INSTANT ONE TRIBE DEPARTED, A FRESH RELAIS ARRIVED, SO THAT THERE WAS A CONSTANT SUPPLY (OF BEGGARS) AND DEMAND (ON OUR PURSES).

NO PLACE SEEMED SAFE: IN THE MOST MAGNIFICENT AND LUXURIOUSLY-DECORATED CAFÉS THEY HAD PERFECT RIGHT OF WAY, THE CONTRAST BETWEEN THE RICH GILDING, GLASS, FOUNTAINS, ETC., OF THE ONE, AND THE RAGS, DIRT, AND DRAMATICALLY GOT-UP HORRORS OF THE OTHER BEING PICTURESQUE, BUT CERTAINLY NOT PLEASANT; AND YET, AS JONES REMARKED, THEY SAY THIS COUNTRY HAS NOT FREE INSTITUTIONS.

JONES ASKS ROBINSON, WHETHER HE “SEES BEFORE HIM THE GLADIATOR DIE?” BUT ROBINSON MAINTAINS A DIGNIFIED SILENCE.

AUSTRIAN DETECTIVE STOPS BROWN TO EXAMINE HIS SKETCHING STOOL. IT PUZZLES HIM. THERE IS AN AIR OF MYSTERY ABOUT IT. IT MIGHT POSSIBLY BE A WEAPON TO BE USED FOR POLITICAL PURPOSES, OR AN INFERNAL MACHINE! WHO KNOWS? ON THE WHOLE, HE THINKS HE HAD BETTER DETAIN IT.

ENTER THE AUSTRIAN ARMY. THEY ADVANCE UPON HIM, THEY THINK HE IS TAKING THE FORTIFICATIONS.

ROBINSON, WHO IS MUCH GIVEN TO QUOTATION, IS, AT THE VERY MOMENT, LANGUIDLY RECITING THE LINES:—

NOT BEING FAMILIAR WITH THE GERMAN, OR THE CROATIAN LANGUAGE, BROWN IS HELPLESS. HE PROTESTS HIS INNOCENCE, BUT THE MILITARY DON’T UNDERSTAND HIM. THEY SEE TREASON IN HIS HAT, WHICH IS OF AN ILLEGAL SHAPE, AND THEY ARREST HIM.

JONES AND ROBINSON APPEAR, TO THE SURPRISE OF THE MILITARY, AND RELIEF OF BROWN.

BROWN, QUITE RESIGNED, WALKS QUIETLY TO MEET HIS FATE. JONES PLUNGES VIOLENTLY, BUT IS FINALLY OVERCOME. ROBINSON RESISTS PASSIVELY, AND IS ACCORDINGLY DRAGGED ALONG.

THEY ARE BROUGHT BEFORE THE GOVERNOR. THAT IS HE SEATED AT THE TABLE, THE SOLDIERS SHOWING HIM THE LIBELLOUS REPRESENTATIONS OF THE CROATS FOUND IN BROWN’S PORTFOLIO. THE LATTER EXPECTS TO BE ORDERED FOR INSTANT EXECUTION; BUT JONES ASSUMES AN AIR OF GREAT DIGNITY, AND SAYS, “Civis Romanus sum.”

THE GOVERNOR, FIELD-MARSHAL LIEUTENANT COUNT BROWN, OF THE IMPERIAL SERVICE, DISCOVERS IN HIS PRISONER A NEAR RELATION OF HIS OWN; AND OUR FRIEND IS INSTANTLY LOCKED IN THE EMBRACE OF THAT DISTINGUISHED WARRIOR. JONES REMARKED “ALL’S WELL THAT ENDS WELL;” AND ROBINSON, GREATLY RELIEVED, BROKE OUT WITH:—

BROWN AT THIS PERIOD UNDERTOOK, AT THE URGENT REQUEST OF JONES AND ROBINSON, TO SETTLE THE ACCOUNTS OF THE PARTY, WHICH HAD BECOME COMPLICATED OWING TO THAT PERPLEXING “MEDIUM,” TO THOSE UNUSED TO IT, THE AUSTRIAN PAPER MONEY.

THIS IS A FAITHFUL PICTURE OF THE UNFORTUNATE MAN AS HE SAT, IN THE SOLITUDE OF HIS CHAMBER, UNTIL A LATE HOUR OF THE NIGHT, DRAWING UP THE “FINANCIAL” STATEMENT.

ROBINSON (solo). —“I STOOD IN VENICE,” ETC.; JONES AND BROWN, HAVING HEARD SOMETHING LIKE IT BEFORE, HAVE WALKED ON A LITTLE WAY.

Reflection made by BROWN. —WHY DO PEOPLE WHEN REPEATING POETRY ALWAYS LOOK UNHAPPY?

THE ENTERTAINMENT COMMENCED AT 5 P.M., AND LASTED TILL 7. IT CONSISTED OF A MELODRAMA, FULL OF AWFUL CRIMES, AND THE MOST PATHETIC SENTIMENT. THE AUDIENCE, CHIEFLY COMPOSED OF “THE PEOPLE,” WAS, FROM BEGINNING TO END, IN AN EXTRAORDINARY STATE OF EXCITEMENT, FIZZING, LIKE THE PERPETUAL GOING OFF OF SODA-WATER. THE THEATRE WAS LIGHTED (?) BY ABOUT FOUR OIL LAMPS; AND SUCH WAS THE DARKNESS, THAT OUR TRAVELLERS—WHO MAY BE SEEN, PERHAPS, THROUGH THE “DIM OBSCURE,” UP IN A PRIVATE BOX—COULD SCARCELY DISCERN ANYTHING BUT THE WHITE UNIFORM AND GLITTERING BAYONET OF AN AUSTRIAN SENTINEL IN THE PIT.

Note.— If the Musquitos appear rather large in this and the following scenes, let it be remembered that in the “heroic” it was a principle of many of the great painters to exaggerate the “parts.”

SENTIMENT SPOKEN BY ROBINSON, WITH MARKS OF ADHESION FROM BROWN AND JONES. “OH, IF THERE BE AN ELYSIUM ON EARTH, IT IS THIS, IT IS THIS!!”

BROWN (SOLILOQUY). —“THIS IS PLEASANT! TO BE QUITE ALONE HERE (DAB), SURROUNDED BY THESE MAGNIFICENT WORKS (DAB, DAB, DAB), AND EVERYTHING SO QUIET TOO—NOTHING TO DISTURB ONE.” (DAB) AFTER A PAUSE. “I WONDER WHAT JONES AND ROBINSON ARE DOING (DAB, SPLASH)—LYING AT FULL LENGTH IN A GONDOLA, I DARE SAY—SMOKING (DAB), I THINK I COULD SPEND MY LIFE IN THIS PLACE” (DAB, DAB).

“IT IS DIFFICULT TO SAY WHICH IS THE GREATEST PLEASURE, (ANOTHER DAB,) COPYING THESE SPLENDID PICTURES, OR PAINTING FROM NATURE, THOSE BEAUTIFUL BLUE SKIES AND CRUMBLING OLD PICTURESQUE PALACES, OUTSIDE.”

(SINGS) —“’HOW HAPPY COULD I BE WITH EITHER.’” (PROLONGED PAUSE, AND GREAT PLAY WITH BRUSH) —“OH! THAT SUNSET LAST EVENING! AS WE LAY OUT IN OUR GONDOLA UPON THE PERFECTLY CALM WATERS, BY THE ARMENIAN CONVENT, AND WATCHED THE SUN SLOWLY GOING DOWN BEHIND THE DISTANT TOWERS AND SPIRES OF THE ‘CITY OF THE SEA’—ONE MASS OF GOLD SPREADING ALL OVER THE WEST!” * * “OH! THOSE CLOUDS! (ANOTHER PAUSE) AH! THAT WAS HAPPINESS. ONE SUCH HOUR IS WORTH—LET ME SEE—HOW MANY YEARS OF ONE’S LIFE? * * AND YET THIS IS—”

HE IS SET UPON AND SURROUNDED BY AN ENGLISH FAMILY, AND THE FOLLOWING DIALOGUE ENSUES:—

YOUTHFUL SON AND HEIR (WITH CONFIDENCE). —“NO, HE AIN’T; HE’S DOING THAT STUNNING BIG ONE WITH THE RAINBOW, AND THREE RIVER GODS.”

PAPA (A BRITISH MERCHANT, AND OF A PRACTICAL TURN). —“VERY GOOD—V-E-R-Y GOOD. AHEM! NOW I WONDER WHAT ONE COULD MAKE A YEAR BY THAT KIND OF THING.”

AT THIS POINT BROWN’S ATTENTION WAS ATTRACTED TO A SCUFFLE GOING ON BEHIND HIM AMONGST THE JUNIOR MEMBERS OF THE PARTY. TWO OF THE LITTLE INNOCENTS HAD TAKEN A FANCY TO THE SAME DRAWING (A COPY OF HIS FAVOURITE JOHN BELLINO), AND AFTER A BRIEF, BUT FIERCE STRUGGLE FOR POSSESSION, HAD SETTLED THE DIFFICULTY BY TEARING IT IN TWO. (PARTY RETIRES RATHER PRECIPITATELY.)

ARRIVED AT VIENNA, THEY VISIT THE THEATRE. A GENTLEMAN THERE, UNOBTRUSIVELY PAYS THEM GREAT ATTENTION.

BROWN (WHO SEES THAT ROBINSON IS BENT UPON MAKING A “MAGNIFICENT ADDITION” TO HIMSELF, AND THAT IT IS USELESS TO EXPOSTULATE). —“OH, I THINK IT IS SPLENDID; AND IF YOU WILL ONLY APPEAR IN IT IN PALL MALL, WHEN WE GET HOME AGAIN, YOU WILL MAKE A SENSATION.”

THERE HE WAS AGAIN! JONES SUGGESTED THAT PERHAPS IT WAS A GOVERNMENT OFFICIAL, WHO TOOK THEM FOR LIBERTY, EQUALITY, AND FRATERNITY.

NO SOONER DID THEY TAKE THEIR PLACES AT THE TABLE D’HOTE TO DINE, THAN BROWN FELL BACK IN HIS CHAIR. THERE COULD BE NO DOUBT ABOUT IT—HE WAS BETTER DRESSED THAN BEFORE—BUT IT WAS THE SAME MAN! HE MUST BE A SPY!

“THE HEAD, NECK, LEGS, AND PART OF THE BODY HAVE BEEN REPAIRED—ALL THE REST IS THE REAL HORSE.”—From speech of the young woman who showed the animal.

ROBINSON IS SO CONFUSED WITH RAPID TRAVELLING, THAT HE ADDRESSES A WAITER IN THREE LANGUAGES AT ONCE. “KELLNER! —MITTAGS-ESSEN POUR TROIS —PRESTO PRESTO —AND —WAITER! —SODA WATER —COL COGNAC —GESCHWIND!”

“PASSPORTS!” —“THAT’S THE SIXTH TIME WE HAVE BEEN WOKE UP,” GROANED ROBINSON.

HOW BROWN WAS SEATED BETWEEN TWO SOLDIERS, AND HOW THEY WOULD EXAMINE EACH OTHER’S SWORDS, AND HOW THOSE FEARFUL WEAPONS WERE FLASHING ABOUT, OFTEN WITHIN AN INCH OF B.’S NOSE: AND HOW (BEING OF A MILD AND PEACEFUL DISPOSITION), B. WAS KEPT THEREBY IN A CONSTANT STATE OF UNEASINESS.

1. Eau de Cologne. 2. Pipe; (never smoked.) 3. Hat; (never worn, and found decidedly in the way.) 4. Cigars; (stopped at Custom House.) 5. Tauchnitz Editions; (also seized.) 6. Cornet à pistons; (bought in Germany with the intention of learning to play upon it some day.) 7. Gloves; (purchased at Venice, a great bargain, and found utterly worthless.)

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THE LONDON GENT UP THE RHINE.	BRITISH FARMER AND SON IN FOREIGN PARTS.
HE IS TAKEN AT THE MOMENT WHEN EXPRESSING HIS OPINION THAT THE WHOLE CONCERN IS A “DO” AND A “SELL.”	THEY BOTH WORE A PERPETUAL GRIN AND STARE OF SURPRISE, JONES THOUGHT THAT THEY HAD TAKEN LEAVE OF ENGLAND AND THEIR SENSES AT ONCE, OWING TO THE WITHDRAWAL OF PROTECTION.


SKETCH MADE BY BROWN AT TRIESTE.	ROBINSON SEARCHED AND INDIGNANT.
Note.—If any one doubts the fact, Jones and Robinson are ready to make affidavit of it.	SUCH THINGS NEVER HAPPEN ANYWHERE ELSE.


DUSSELDORF.	MINDEN.
BROWN loq. —I HAVE LEFT MY BAG BEHIND!	HERE IS THE BAG.

The Project Gutenberg eBook of The Foreign Tour of Messrs. Brown, Jones and Robinson

THE FOREIGN TOUR

OF

MESSRS. BROWN, JONES, AND ROBINSON.

BRADBURY AND EVANS,

PRINTERS EXTRAORDINARY TO THE QUEEN,

WHITEFRIARS.

Text of Title Page

Contents
(derived from page headers)

THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE


JONES’S LITTLE ALL IS CONTAINED IN THIS SMALL PORTMANTEAU.	ROBINSON, ON THE CONTRARY, FINDS IT QUITE IMPOSSIBLE TO MOVE WITH LESS THAN THIS.


B. J. AND R. HAD JUST BEGUN TO ENJOY THE SCENERY, WHEN, TO THEIR CONSTERNATION, WHO SHOULD APPEAR ON BOARD BUT THE “BORE,” WHO INSTANTLY WAS DOWN UPON THEM. FOR THREE MORTAL HOURS HE ENTERTAINED THEM WITH FASHIONABLE INTELLIGENCE, ANECDOTES OF THE ARISTOCRACY, THE COURT CIRCULAR, BIRTHS, DEATHS, MARRIAGES, &C.


	SCENE FROM THE ROAD, NEAR BASLE.

“THE HEIGHT OF THE OMNIBUSSES IS QUITE DISGUSTING.” —Extract from unpublished documents in possession of ROBINSON, who himself fell in the mud, while climbing from the roof of one of those vehicles.	STORKS’ NEST, BASLE.


THEY SEE ITALY IN THE DISTANCE.


		PILGRIMS COMING DOWN THE “HILL OF DIFFICULTY.”
A MEETING ON THE MOUNTAIN.


MARIE.
OH! MARIE OF THE LAGO D’ORTA, MAID OF THE INN, AND MOST BEAUTIFUL OF WAITRESSES, HOW WELL DO I REMEMBER THEE! HOW GRACEFUL WERE ALL THY MOVEMENTS; WHAT NATURAL EASE, TOGETHER WITH WHAT A DIGNIFIED RESERVE; —HOW TRULY A LADY WERT THOU! YOU DID NOT KNOW IT, BUT WHEN YOU WAITED UPON US, I ALWAYS FELT INCLINED TO JUMP UP FROM MY CHAIR, AND OPEN THE DOOR FOR YOU— TO TAKE THE DISHES FROM YOUR HANDS, TO ASK YOU RESPECTFULLY TO BE SEATED, TO WAIT UPON YOU IN FACT. AND O! HOW I DID DETEST THAT WICKED OLD LANDLADY, YOUR MISTRESS, WHO USED TO BULLY AND SCOLD YOU. AND I WONDER WHETHER YOU REMEMBER ME. —From a MS., very rare, in possession of Brown.
	THIS PICTURE REPRESENTS BROWN AS HE APPEARED, HIS FEELINGS BEING “TOO MANY FOR HIM,” ON HEARING THAT ELDERLY SHE-DRAGON, THE LANDLADY, VENTING HER ILL-HUMOUR UPON THE GENTLE MARIE. HE STOLE OUT OF THE DINING-ROOM, LOOKED OVER INTO THE YARD, AND THERE BEHELD THE FURIOUS OLD FEMALE SHAKING HER FIST, AND POURING FORTH A TORRENT OF ABUSE. BROWN WAS NOT NATURALLY OF A SAVAGE TEMPERAMENT, BUT AT THAT MOMENT HE FELT THAT HE COULD HAVE—BUT IT IS BEST NOT TO SAY WHAT HE COULD HAVE DONE—IT WAS TOO TERRIBLE FOR PUBLICATION IN THESE PAGES.


THEY PAY A VISIT TO THE MARIONETTE THEATRE.	A SNOB THEY SAW WRITING HIS NAME UPON ROOF OF MILAN CATHEDRAL.


JONES AT THE OPERA ABROAD.	HOW UNLIKE JONES AT THE OPERA AT HOME.


EYE OF THE GOVERNMENT; AS KEPT UPON THE TRAVELLERS, DURING THEIR STAY IN THE AUSTRIAN DOMINIONS. —Drawn from the haunted imagination of Brown.	THEIR LAST REPAST IN FOREIGN PARTS.
	TIME AND TRAIN WAIT FOR NO MAN.


“EXCELSIOR!”

AN ITALIAN VIEW.	“BUON GIORNO.”


DESPERATION.	MOMENTARY RELIEF.


MADNESS!	BELL!!


BOOTS!!	DESPAIR!!!!