The Project Gutenberg eBook of Punchinello, Volume 1, No. 19, August 6, 1870 This ebook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and most other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included with this ebook or online at www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you will have to check the laws of the country where you are located before using this eBook. Title: Punchinello, Volume 1, No. 19, August 6, 1870 Author: Various Release date: November 1, 2003 [eBook #10015] Most recently updated: December 19, 2020 Language: English Credits: Produced by Joshua Hutchinson, Steve Schulze and PG Distributed Proofreaders *** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCHINELLO, VOLUME 1, NO. 19, AUGUST 6, 1870 *** Produced by Joshua Hutchinson, Steve Schulze and PG Distributed Proofreaders +--------------------------------------------------------------+ | CONANT's | | PATENT BINDERS | | FOR | | "PUNCHINELLO," | | | | to preserve the paper for binding, will be sent prepaid, on | | receipt of One Dollar, by | | | | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO., | | | | 83 Nassau Street, New York City. | | | +--------------------------------------------------------------+ | | | J. M. SPRAGUE | | | | Is the Authorized Agent of | | | | "PUNCHINELLO" | | | | For the | | | | New England States, | | | | To Procure Subscriptions, | | and to Employ Canvassers. | | | +--------------------------------------------------------------+ | | | HARRISON BRADFORD & CO.'S | | STEEL PENS. | | | | These Pens are of a finer quality, more durable, and | | cheaper than any other Pen in the market. Special attention | | is called to the following grades, as being better suited | | for business purposes than any Pen manufactured. The | | | | "505," "22," and the "Anti-Corrosive," | | we recommend for Bank and Office use. | | | | D. APPLETON & CO., | | Sole Agents for United States. | | | +--------------------------------------------------------------+ Vol. 1. No. 19. PUNCHINELLO SATURDAY, AUGUST 6, 1870. PUBLISHED BY THE PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY, 83 NASSAU STREET, NEW YORK. * * * * * THE MYSTERY OF MR. E. DROOD, By ORPHEUS C. KERR, Continued in this Number. * * * * * See 15th Page for Extra Premiums. +--------------------------------------------------------------+ | | | APPLICATIONS FOR ADVERTISING IN | | | | "PUNCHINELLO" | | | | SHOULD BE ADDRESSED TO | | | | J. NICKINSON, | | | | ROOM NO. 4, | | | | No. 83 Nassau Street. | | | +--------------------------------------------------------------+ | | | What it is Not! | | | | The College Courant is NOT | | The College Courant is NOT | | The College Courant is NOT | | The College Courant is NOT | | The College Courant is NOT | | The College Courant is NOT | | The College Courant is NOT | | The College Courant is NOT | | | |Merely a small student's sheet, But is the largest in N. E.| |Merely of interest to college men, But to every one. | |Merely a COLLEGE paper, But is a scientific paper. | |Merely a local paper, But is cosmopolitan. | |Merely scientific and educational, But is literary. | |An experiment, But an established weekly. | |Conducted by students, But by graduates. | |Stale and dry, But fresh and interesting. | | | | It circulates in every College. | | It circulates in every Professional School. | | It circulates in every Preparatory School. | | It circulates in every State in the United States. | | It circulates in every civilized country. | | It circulates among all College men. | | It circulates among all Scientific men. | | It circulates among the educated everywhere. | | | | July 1st a new volume commences. | | July 1st 10,000 new subscribers wanted. | | July 1st excellent illustrations will appear. | | July 1st 10,000 specimen copies to be issued. | | July 1st is a good time to subscribe. | | July 1st or any time send stamp for a copy. | | | | TERMS: | | | | One year, in advance, - - - - - - - $4.00 | | Single copies (for sale by all newsdealers), - - - .10 | | | | Address | | THE COLLEGE COURANT, | | New Haven, Conn. | | | +--------------------------------------------------------------+ | | | J. NICKINSON | | | | begs to announce to the friends of | | | | "PUNCHINELLO," | | | | residing in the country, that, for their convenience, he has | | made arrangements by which, on receipt of the price of | | | | ANY STANDARD BOOK PUBLISHED, | | | | the same will be forwarded, postage paid. | | | | Parties desiring Catalogues of any of our Publishing Houses, | | can have the same forwarded by inclosing two stamps. | | | | OFFICE OF | | | | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO., | | | | 83 Nassau Street. | | | | P.O. Box 2783. | | | +--------------------------------------------------------------+ | | | NEWS DEALERS | | | | ON | | | | RAILROADS, | | | | STEAMBOATS, | | | | And at | | WATERING PLACES, | | | | Will find the Monthly Numbers of | | | | "PUNCHINELLO" | | | | For April, May, June, and July, an attractive and | | Saleable Work. | | | | Single Copies Price 50 cts. | | | | For trade price address American News Co., or | | | | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO., | | | | 83 Nassau Street. | | | +--------------------------------------------------------------+ | | | TO NEWS-DEALERS. | | | | Punchinello's Monthly. | | | | The Weekly Numbers for July, | | | | Bound in a Handsome Cover, | | | | Is now ready. Price Fifty Cents. | | | | THE TRADE | | | | Supplied by the | | | | AMERICAN NEWS COMPANY, | | | | Who are now prepared to receive Orders. | | | +--------------------------------------------------------------+ | | | | | A. T. STEWART & CO. | | | | Are offering | | | | A SPLENDID ASSORTMENT | | OF THE | | LATEST PARIS NOVELTIES, | | IN | | ROMAN, ECOSSAIS, CARREAUX, | | BROCHE, CHINE, GROS | | GRAIN AND TAFFETA | | | | SASH RIBBONS, | | IN THE MOST DESIRABLE WIDTHS AND | | SHADES OF COLOR. Also, | | | | Velvet Ribbons, Trimming Ribbons, | | Neckties, &c., &c. | | | | _Great Inducements to Purchasers._ | | | | BROADWAY, | | | | 4th Ave., 9th and 10th Sts. | | | +--------------------------------------------------------------+ | | | WEVILL & HAMMAR, | | | | Wood Engravers, | | | | 208 BROADWAY, | | | | NEW YORK. | | | +--------------------------------------------------------------+ | | | Bowling Green Savings-Bank | | | | 33 BROADWAY, | | | | NEW YORK. | | | | Open Every Day from 10 A.M. to 3 P.M. | | | | _Deposits of any sum, from Ten Cents | | to Ten Thousand Dollars, will be received._ | | | | Six per Cent interest, | | Free of Government Tax. | | | | INTEREST ON NEW DEPOSITS | | Commences on the First of every Month. | | | | HENRY SMITH, President | | | | REEVES E. SELMES, Secretary. | | | | WALTER ROCHE, EDWARD HOGAN, _Vice-Presidents._ | | | +--------------------------------------------------------------+ | | | FORST & AVERELL | | | | Steam, Lithograph, and Letter Press | | | | PRINTERS, | | EMBOSSERS, ENGRAVERS, AND LABEL | | MANUFACTURERS. | | | | Sketches and Estimates furnished upon application. | | | | 23 Platt Street, and | | 20-22 Gold Street, | | | | [P.O. Box 2845.] | | | | NEW YORK. | | | +--------------------------------------------------------------+ | | | DIBBLEEANIA, | | | | AND | | | | Japonica Juice, | | | | FOR THE HAIR. | | | | The most effective Soothing and Stimulating Compounds ever | | offered to the public for the Removal of Scurf, Dandruff, | | &c. | | | | For consultation, apply at | | | | WILLIAM DIBBLEE'S, | | | | Ladies' Hair Dresser and Wig Maker. | | | | 854 BROADWAY, N. Y. City. | | | +--------------------------------------------------------------+ | | | FOLEY'S | | | | GOLD PENS. | | | | THE BEST AND CHEAPEST. | | | | 256 BROADWAY. | | | +--------------------------------------------------------------+ | | | $2 to ALBANY and TROY. | | | | The Day Line Steamboats C. Vibbard and Daniel Drew, | | commencing May 31, will leave Vestry st. Pier at 8:45, and | | Thirty-fourth at 9 a.m., landing at Yonkers, (Nyack, and | | Tarrytown by ferry-boat), Cozzens, West Point, Cornwall, | | Newburgh, Poughkeepsie, Rhinebeck, Bristol, Catskill, | | Hudson, and New-Baltimore. A special train of broad-gauge | | cars In connection with the day boats will leave on arrival | | at Albany (commencing June 20) for Sharon Springs. Fare | | $4.25 from New York and for Cherry Valley. The Steamboat | | Seneca will transfer passengers from Albany to Troy. | | | +--------------------------------------------------------------+ | | | | | ESTABLISHED 1866. | | | | JAS R. NICHOLS, M. D., WM. J. ROLFE, A. M., Editors | | | | | | Boston Journal of Chemistry. | | | | Devoted to the Science of | | | | HOME LIFE, | | | | The Arts, Agriculture, and Medicine. | | | | $1.00 Per Year. | | | | _Journal and Punchinello (without Premium) $4.00._ | | | | SEND FOR SPECIMEN-COPY. | | | | Address--JOURNAL OF CHEMISTRY, | | | | 150 CONGRESS STREET, BOSTON. | | | +--------------------------------------------------------------+ | | | HENRY L. STEPHENS, | | | | ARTIST, | | | | No. 160 FULTON STREET, | | | | NEW YORK. | | | +--------------------------------------------------------------+ | | | GEO. B. BOWLEND, | | | | Draughtsman & Designer | | | | No. 160 Fulton Street, | | | | Room No. 11, NEW YORK. | | | +--------------------------------------------------------------+ THE MYSTERY OF MR. E. DROOD. AN ADAPTATION. BY ORPHEUS C. KERR. CHAPTER XII--(Continued.) The pauper burial-ground toward which they now progress in a rather high-stepping manner, or--to vary the phrase--toward which their steps are now very much bent, is not a favorite resort of the more cheerful village people after nightfall. Ask any resident of Bumsteadville if he believed in ghosts, and, if the time were mid-day and the place a crowded grocery store, he would fearlessly answer in the negative; (just the same as a Positive philosopher in cast-iron health and with no thunder shower approaching would undauntedly deny a Deity!) but if any resident of Bumsteadville should happen to be caught near the country editor's last home after dark, he would get over that part of his road in a curiously agile and flighty manner;--(just the same as a Positive philosopher with a sore throat, or at an uncommonly showy bit of lightning, would repeat "Now I lay me down to sleep," with surprising devotion.) So, although no one in all Bumsteadville was in the least afraid of the pauper burial-ground at any hour, it was not invariably selected by the great mass of the populace as a peerless place to go home by at midnight; and the two intellectual explorers find no sentimental young couples rambling arm in arm among the ghastly head-boards, nor so much as one loiterer smoking his segar on a suicide's tomb. "JOHN McLAUGHLIN, you're getting nervous again," says Mr. BUMSTEAD, catching him in the coat collar with the handle of his umbrella and drawing the other toward him hand-over-hand. "It's about time that you should revert again to the hoary JAMES AKER'S excellent preparation for the human family.--I'll try it first, myself, to see if it tastes at all of the cork. "Ah-h," sighs OLD MORTARITY, after his turn has come and been enjoyed at last, "that's the kind of Spirits I don't mind being a wrapper to. I could wrap _them_ up all right." Reflectively chewing a clove, the Ritualistic organist reclines on the pauper grave of a former writer for the daily press, and cogitates upon his companion's leaning to Spiritualism; while the other produces matches and lights their lanterns. "Mr. McLAUGHLIN," he solemnly remarks, waving his umbrella at the graves around, "in this scene you behold the very last of man's individual being. In this entombment he ends forever. Tremble, J. McLAUGHLIN! --forever. Soul and Spirit are but unmeaning words, according to the latest big things in science. The departed Dr. DAVIS SLAVONSKI, of St. Petersburg, before setting out for the Asylum, proved, by his Atomic Theory, that men are neatly manufactured of Atoms of matter, which are continually combining together until they form Man; and then going through the process of Life, which is but the mechanical effect of their combination; and then wearing apart again by attrition into the exhaustion of cohesion called Death; and then crumbling into separate Atoms of native matter, or dust, again; and then gradually combining again, as before, and evolving another Man; and Living, and Dying, again; and so on forever. Thus, and thus only, is Man immortal. You are made exclusively of Atoms of matter, yourself, JOHN McLAUGHLIN. So am I." "I can understand a man's believing that _he, himself,_ is all Atoms of matter, and nothing else," responds OLD MORTARITY, skeptically. "As how, JOHN McLAUGHLIN,--as how?" "When he knows that, at any rate, he hasn't got one atom of common sense," is the answer. Suddenly Mr. BUMSTEAD arises from the grave and frantically shakes hands with him. "You're right, sir!" he says, emotionally. "You're a gooroleman, sir. The Atom of common sense was one of the Atoms that SLAVONSKI forgot all about. Let's do some skeletons now." At the further end of the pauper burial-ground, and in the rear of the former Alms-House, once stood a building used successively as a cider-mill, a barn, and a kind of chapel for paupers. Long ago, from neglect and bad weather, the frail wooden superstructure had fallen into pieces and been gradually carted off; but a sturdy stone foundation remained underground; and, although the flooring over it had for many years been covered with debris and rank growth, so as to be undistinguishable to common eyes from the general earth around it, the great cellar still extended beneath, and, according to weird rumor, had some secret access for OLD MORTARITY, who used it as a charnel store-house for such spoils of the grave as he found in his prowlings. To the spot thus historied the two moralists of the moonlight come now, and, with many tumbles, Mr. McLAUGHLIN removes certain artfully placed stones and rubbish, and lifts a clumsy extemporized trap-door. Below appears a ricketty old step-ladder leading into darkness. "I heard such cries and groans down there, last Christmas Eve, as sounded worse than the Latin singing in the Ritualistic church," observes McLAUGHLIN. "Cries and groans!" echoes Mr. BUMSTEAD, turning quite pale, and momentarily forgetting the snakes which he is just beginning to discover among the stones. "You're getting nervous again, poor wreck, and need some more West Indian cough-mixture.--Wait until I see for myself whether it's got enough sugar in it." In due time the great nervous antidote is passed and replaced, and then, with the lighted lanterns worked around under their arms, they go down the tottering ladder. Down they go into a great, damp, musty cavern, to which their lights give a pallid illumination. "See here," says OLD MORTARITY, raising a long, curved bone from the floor. "Look at that: shoulder-blade of unmarried Episcopal lady, aged thirty-nine." "How do you know she was so old, and unmarried?" asks the organist. "Because the shoulder-blade's so sharp." Mr. Bumstead is surprised at this specimen of the art of an AGASSIZ and WATERHOUSE HAWKINS in such a mortary old man, and his intellectual pride causes him to resolve at once upon a rival display. "Look at this skull, JOHN McLAUGHLIN," he says, referring to an object that he has found behind the ladder. "See thish fine, retreating brow, bulging chin, projecting occipital bone, and these orifices of ears that musht've been stupen'sly long. It's the skull, JOHN McLAUGHLIN, of a twin-brother of the man who really wished--really wished, JOHN McLAUGHLIN--that he could be sat'shfied, sir, in his own mind, that CHARLES DICKENS was a Christian writer." "Why, thash's skull of a hog," explains Mr. McLAUGHLIN, with some contempt. "Twin-brother--all th'shame," says Mr. BUMSTEAD, as though that made no earthly difference. Once more, what a strange expedition is this! How strangely the eyes of the two men look, after two or three more applications to the antique flask; and how curiously Mr. Bumstead walks on tip-toe at times and takes short leaps now and then. "Lesh go now," says BUMSTEAD, after both have been asleep upon their feet several times; "I think th's snakes down here, JOHN McBUMSTEAD." "Wh'st! monkies, you mean,--dozens of black monkies, Mr. BUMPLIN," whispers OLD MORTARITY, clutching his arm as he sinks against him. "Noshir! Serp'nts!" insists Mr. BUMSTEAD, making futile attempts to open his umbrella with one hand. "Warzesmarrer with th' light?--ansh'r me t' once, Mac JOHNBUNKLIN!" In their swayings under the confusions and delusions of the vault, their lanterns have worked around to the neighborhoods of their spines, so that, whichever way they turn, the light is all behind them. Greatly agitated, as men are apt to be when surrounded by supernatural influences, they do not perceive the cause of this apparently unnatural illumination; and, upon turning round and round in irregular circles, and still finding the light in the wrong place, they exhibit signs of great trepidation. "Warzemarrer wirra _light?_" repeats Mr. BUMSTEAD, spinning wildly until he brings up against the wall. "Ishgotb'witched, I b'lieve," pants Mr. McLAUGHLIN, whirling as frenziedly with his own lantern dangling behind him, and coming to an abrupt pause against the opposite wall. Thus, each supported against the stones by a shoulder, they breathe hard for a moment, and then sink into a slumber in which they both slide down to the ground. Aroused by the shock, they sit up quite dazed, brush away the swarming snakes and monkies, are freshly alarmed by discovering that they are now actually sitting upon that perverse light behind them, and, by a simultaneous impulse, begin crawling about in search of the ladder. Unable to see anything with all the light behind him, but fancying that he discerns a gleam beyond a dark object near at hand, Mr. BUMSTEAD rises to a standing attitude by a series of complex manoeuvres, and plants a foot on something. "I'morth'larrer!" he cries, spiritedly. "Th'larrer's on me!" answers Mr. MCLAUGHLIN, in evidently great bewilderment. Then ensue a momentary wild struggle and muffled crash; for each gentleman, coming blindly upon the other, has taken the light glimmering at the other's back for the light at the top of the ladder, and, further mistaking the other in the dark for the ladder itself, has attempted to climb him. Mr. BUMSTEAD, however, has got the first step; whereupon, Mr. MCLAUGHLIN, in resenting what he takes for the ladder's inexcusable familiarity, has twisted both himself and his equally deluded companion into a pretty hard fall. Another interval of hard breathing, and then the organist of Saint Cow's asks: "Di'you hear anything drop?" "Yshir, th'larrer got throwed, f'rimpudence to a gen'l'm'n," is the peevish return of OLD MORTARITY, who immediately falls asleep as he lies, with his lantern under his spine. In his sleep, he dreams that BUMSTEAD examines him closely, with a view to gaining some clue to the mystery of the light behind both their backs; and, on finding the lantern under him, and, studying it profoundly for some time, is suddenly moved to feel along his own back. He dreams that BUMSTEAD thereupon finds his own lantern, and exclaims, after half an hour's analytical reflection, "It musht'ave slid round while JOHN MCLAUGHLIN was intosh'cated." Then, or soon after, the dreamer awakes, and can discern two Mr. BUMSTEADS seated upon the step-ladders, with a lantern, baby-like, on each knee. "You two men are awake at last, eh?" say the organists, with peculiar smiles. "Yes, gentlemen," return the MCLAUGHLINS, with yawns. They ascend silently from the cellar, each believing that he is accompanied by two companions, and rendered moodily distrustful thereby. "Aina maina mona--Mike. Bassalone, bona--Strike!" sings a small, familiar voice, when they stand again above ground, and a stone whizzes between their heads. In another moment BUMSTEAD has the fell SMALLEY by the collar, and is shaking him like a yard of carpet. "You wretched little tarrier!" he cries in a fury, "you've been spying around to-night, to find out something about my Spiritualism that may be distorted to injure my Ritualistic standing." "I ain't done nothing; and you jest drop me, or I'll knock spots out of yer!" carols the stony young child. "I jest come to have my aim at that old Beat there." "Attend to his case, then--his and his friend's, for he seems to have some one with him--and never let me see you two boys again." Thus Mr. BUMSTEAD, as he releases the excited lad, and turns from the pauper burial-ground for a curious kind of pitching and running walk homeward. The strange expedition is at an end:-but _which_ end he is unable just then to decide. (_To be Continued._) * * * * * [Illustration: CLERKS ALL AWAY ON A SATURDAY FROLIC, WHICH ACCOUNTS FOR THE UNFORTUNATE POSITION OF THIS STOUT GENTLEMAN, WHO WAS LEFT ALONE TO LOCK UP HIS STORE.] * * * * * [Illustration: PUNCHINELLO CORRESPONDENCE.] ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS. _Johnny_.--Yes, you may offer your arm to your pretty cousin in the country whenever you think she would like it, except when Mr. PUNCHINELLO is present. If that gallant gentleman is at hand, escort duty may, with perfect propriety, be left to him. _Charles_ inquires whether his handwriting is good enough to qualify him for membership in a base ball club. We think he is all right on that score. _Glaucus._--We have never heard that Newport is a good place for gathering sea-shells, but we presume you can shell out there if you wish. _Chapeau_.--Hats will be worn on the head this season. It is not considered stylish to hang them on the ear, eyebrow, or coat collar. _Cit._--The correct dimensions of a Saratoga pocket-book have not been definitely decided. As to sending it, it is doubtful whether the rail-road companies would receive it as baggage. Perhaps you could charter a canal boat. _Aspirant_.--We cannot tell you the price of "bored" in Washington "for a few weeks." No doubt you could get liberally bored at a reasonable rate. _Sorosis_--It was very wrong for your husband to mention the muddy coffee. However, we advise you to attempt a settlement of such troubles without creating a public scandal. _Butcher Boy_.--You cannot succeed as a writer of "lite comidy" if you continue to weave such tragic spells. "The Lean Larder" would not be an attractive title for your play. _C. Drincarty_ submits the following problem: If one swallow don't make a summer, how many claret punches can a man take before fall? Will some of our ingenious readers offer a suitable solution? _Culturist_.--The potato has been grafted with great success on the cucumber tree in some of the Western States. The stock should be heated by a slow fire until the sap starts. The grafts should be boiled in a preparation known to science as vanilla cream. _Truth_.--Your information is not authentic. LOUIS NAPOLEON never played marbles in Central Park, nor took his little Nap in the vestibule of WOOD'S Museum. _Fanny_ inquires whether "ballot girls" are wanted in New York. Wyoming is a better field for them than this city. _Maine Chance_ has been paying his _devoirs_ with great impartiality to two young ladies. One of them has red hair and a Roman nose, but the paternal income is very handsome. The other is witty and pretty, but can bring no rocks, except possibly "Rock the cradle." Recently he called on the golden girl, and a menial rudely repulsed him from the door. This hurt his feelings. He then went to the dwelling of the Fair, when a big dog attacked him "on purpose," and lacerated his trousers. He wants to know whether he has any remedy in the courts. His best way is the way home. _Rifleman_.--You are right; the rival guns--the Dreyse and the Chassepot--are also rifle-guns. Both of them are provided with needles, as you suppose, but, so far as there is any chance of their being put to the test under present circumstances, in Europe, it rather appears that both of them will prove Needless. _Piscator_.--No; the weak-fish is not so called on account of any supposed feebleness attributable to it. If you take a round of the markets one of these roaring hot days, your senses will tell you that the weakfish is sometimes very strong. * * * * * THE PLAYS AND SHOWS. As a good many persons know, LA GISELLE is a ballet whose hundred legs are nightly displayed on the stage of the GRAND OPERA HOUSE. The _Twelve Temptations_ have ceased to tempt, and the familiar legs of LUPE no longer allure. But in their place we have KATHI LANNER, and BERTHA LIND, and nearly a gross of assorted legs of the very best quality. Why do the women clamor for the ballot, when they have almost exclusive possession of the ballet? The latter is much nicer and more useful than the former. The average repeater can obtain only a dollar for his ballot, but the average ballet will find any quantity of enthusiastic admirers at one dollar and a half a head. Would any man pay KATHI LANNER a dollar for the privilege of seeing her with a ballot in her hand? On the other hand, lives there a man with eyes so dead that he would not cheerfully pay twice that sum to see her in the mazes of the ballet? But _La Giselle_? Certainly. I am coming to that in a moment. I have often thought that nature must have intended me for a writer of sermons. I have such a facility for beginning an article with a series of general remarks that have nothing whatever to do with the subject. Though how can any one be rationally expected to stick to anything in this weather, except, perhaps, the newly varnished surface of his desk? And how can even the firmest of resolutions be prevented from melting and vanishing away, with the thermometer at more degrees than one likes to mention? You remember the old proverb: "Man proposes, but his mother-in-law finally disposes." The bearing of this observation lies in its application. By the bye, I don't know a better application, in the present weather, than claret punch. Apply yourself continually to that cooling beverage, and apply it continually to your lips, and the result is a sort of reciprocity treat, whose results are much more certain than those of the reciprocity treaty, of which Congress has latterly had so much to say. To contemplate _La Giselle_ in all its bearings is a pleasure which is peculiarly appropriate to the season. KATHI LANNER and her companions may not be really cool, but they look as though they were. They remind one of the East Indian country houses that are built on posts, so as to allow a free circulation of air beneath the foundation. Anyhow, they look as if they took things coolly. (A joke might be made on the words coolly and Coolie. The reader may mix to his own taste. It's too hot for any one to make jokes for other people.) But _La Giselle_? Yes! yes! I am just ready to speak of it. _La Giselle_ is a grand ballet in which an elaborate plot is developed by the toes of some fifty young ladies. There is a young woman in it who loves a man, and there is another woman who also loves him, and another man who loves the first woman, and meddles and mars as though he were a professional philanthropist. The woman--the first woman, I mean--goes crazy down to the extremity of her feet, and dies, and then there are more women,--no; these last are disembodied spirits, with nothing but light skirts on,--who dance in graveyards, and make young men dance with them till they fall down exhausted, calling in vain for BROWN to take them home in carriages, and pay for their torn gloves. The first young woman, and a young man--not the other young man, you understand--does a good deal of--Well, in fact, things are rather mixed before the ballet comes to an end, but I know that it's a good thing, for FISK sits in his private box and applauds it, which he wouldn't do if he didn't. And now, having placed _La Giselle_ plainly before your mental vision, I desire to rise to a personal explanation. For the ensuing four weeks, the places, in PUNCHINELLO, which have heretofore known me, will know me no more. I am going to a quiet country place on Long Island to write war correspondence for the--well, I won't mention the name of the paper. You see the editor of the _Na----_ of the paper in question, I should say,--wants to have an independent and unprejudiced account of the great struggle on the Rhine--something that shall be different from any other account.--Down on Long Island, I shall be out of the reach of either French or Prussian influence, and will be able to describe events as they should be. I have made arrangements with the "Veteran Observer" of the _Times_ to take charge of this column during my absence. If he can only curb his natural tendency toward frivolity and jocoseness, I am in hopes that he will be able to draw his salary as promptly and efficiently as though he were a younger man. Remarking, therefore, in the words of _Kathleen Mavourneen_, that my absence "may be four weeks, and it may be longer," I bid my readers a warm (thermometer one hundred and five degrees) farewell. MATADOR. * * * * * JUPITER BELLICOSUS. Truly, PUNCHINELLO, this is an age of progress. Wars of succession are no more. Absolutism must forever hang its head. Fling a glance at France; peer into Prussia, _Vox populi_ is the voice of the King, and the voice of the king is therefore _vox Dei_. When a king speaks for his people he must speak sooth; what he says of other peoples must be taken with a grain of salt. Bearing this in mind, the apparent inconsistency between the regal rigmarole and the Imperial improvisation (these epithets are a tribute to the Republic) which I have received by our _special wire_ from Europe were addressed by the monarchs to their respective armies before the grand "wiring in" which is to follow. WILHELM KOENIG VON PRUSSEN. _Soldaten_: The Gaul is at our gates. _Vaterland_ is in danger: my _weiss_ is then for war. France, led by a despot, is about to desecrate the Rhine. His imperial bees are swarming, but we shall send him back with his bees in his bonnet, and a bee's mark (BISMARCK) on the end of his nasal organ. France wars for conquest; Prussia never. When FREDERICK the Great captured Silesia from a Roman without any apparent pretext, was he not an instrument of Providence? When, in company with Austria, we beat and bullied Denmark out of Schleswig-Holstein, were we not victorious, and is not that sufficient justification? When we afterwards beat this Austria, did it not serve her right? And when we absorbed Hanover, &c., was it not to protect them? Yes, our present object is the defence of our country and the capture of Alsace and Lorraine, which mere politeness prevented us from claiming hitherto. On, then, soldiers of Deutchland. Let our _law reign_ in Lorraine, for what is sauce for the Prussian goose should be Alsace for the Gallic gander. The God of battles is on the side of our just cause; Leipsic is looking at us, Waterloo is watching us. GOTT _und_ WILHELM, _sauerkraut und schnapps. Vorwarts._ NAPOLEON, EMPEREUR DES FRANCAIS. _Soldats:_ True to your trust in me, I am about to lead you to slaughter. _L'Empire c'est la paix_. Prussia would place a poor and distant relative of mine on the throne of Spain, therefore must we recover the natural frontier of France, which lies upon the Rhine. The rhino is ready, and we are ready for the Rhine. Let my red republican subjects recall Valmy and Jemappes, and their generals KELLERMANN and DUMAURIOZ. Let every Frenchman kill a Prussian, every woman too _kill her man_. They did much for _la patrie_ in those days, but do _more ye to-day_. France wars for ideas only; Prussia for rapine. We have heard this Rhine-whine long enough; it has got into our heads at last. The spirit of my uncle has its eye upon you. Ambition was no part of his nature. His struggles were all for the good of France, "which he loved so much," as he himself said at his country-seat at St. Helena. Marshal, then, to the notes of the _Marseillaise_, which I now generously permit you to sing. The Gallic rooster shall "cackle, cackle, clap his wings and crow," _Unter der Linden_. Jena judges us, Auerstedt is _our status_. The Man of Destiny and December calls you. The God of armies (who marches with the strongest battalions) is with us. _La gloire et des Grenouilles_, France and fried potatoes. _L'Empire et moi et le prince Imperial. En avant marche!_ * * * * * A District that ought to be subject to Earthquakes. Rockland County. * * * * * [Illustration: THE CELESTIAL SCARECROW IN MASSACHUSETTS. IT CONSISTS OF A CHINESE GONG AND A LOT OF PUPPETS WORKED BY THE HANDS OF CAPITAL; AND SOME PERSONS THINK IT A GOOD JOKE.] * * * * * THE VULTURE'S CALL. Come--sisters--come! The din of arms is rising from the vale, Bright arms are glittering in the morning sun And trumpet tones are ringing in the gale! Hurrah-hurrah! As fast and far We hurry to behold the blithesome game of War! Haste--sisters--haste! The drums are booming, shrill fifes whistling clear, The scent of human blood is in the blast, And the load cannon stuns the startled ear. Away--away! To view the fray, For us a feast is spread when Man goes forth to slay. Rest--sisters--rest! Here on these blasted pines; and mark beneath How war's red whirlwind shakes earth's crazy breast And cumbers it with agony and death. Toil, soldiers, toil, Through war's turmoil, We Vultures gain the prize--we Vultures share the spoil. * * * * * Not Generally Known. The new three cent stamp smacks of the Revolution; containing, as it does, the portraits of two military heroes of that period. General WASHINGTON will be recognized at once, while in the background can be discerned that brilliant officer--General GREEN. * * * * * Our Future Millionaires. Once let the Celestials get our American way of doing business, and there will be plenty of China ASTORS among us. * * * * * THE POEMS OF THE CRADLE. CANTO II. "Hey! Diddle diddle, the cat and the fiddle The cow jumped over the moon. The little dog laughed to see the sport, And the dish ran after the spoon." These were the classic expressions of the hilarious poet of a period far back in the vista of ages. How vividly they portray the exalted state of his mind; and how impressed the public must have been at the time; for did not the words become popular immediately, and have they not so continued to the present day? Every mother immediately seized upon the verse, and, setting it to music of her own, sang it as a cradle song to soothe the troubles of infanthood, and repeated it in great glee to the intelligent babe when in a crowing mood, as the poem most fitted for the infant's brain to comprehend. Papa, anxious to watch the unfolding of the human mind, and its gradual development, would take the baby-prodigy in his arms, and with keen glance directed upon its face, repeat, in thrilling tones, the sublime words. With what joy would he remark and comment upon any gleam of intelligence, and again and again would he recite, in an impressive voice, those words so calculated to aid in bringing into blossom the bud of promise. But who can meditate upon the memorable stanzas, and not see, in fancy, the enthusiastic youth--the lover of melody and of nature--as he enters his dingy room, the ordinary abiding place of poetical geniuses. He sees his beloved fiddle, and his no less beloved feline friend, in loving conjunction; he bursts out rapturously with impetuous joy: "Hey! diddle diddle, the cat and the fiddle!" He sees the two things dearest to his heart, and sees them both at one time! And he must be excused for his sudden night into the regions of classicism. No wonder that he immediately imagines the world to be as full of joy as he himself, and that he thinks "The cow jumped over the moon." Perhaps the sight was a sufficient re-moon-eration to him for his past troubles; and the exhilaration of his spirits caused him to dance, to cut pigeon-wings, and otherwise gaily disport himself; consequently, "The little dog laughed to see the sport," which every intelligent dog would have done, under the circumstances. Certainly, dear reader, you would have done so yourself. The hilariousness of the poet increasing, and his joyfulness expanding, his manifestations did not confine themselves to simple dancing-steps and an occasional pigeon-wing, but, inadvertently perhaps, he introduced the "can-can," and that explains why "The dish ran away with the spoon." For the end of his excited toe came in contact with his only dish and spoon, and propelled them to the other side of the room. As he does not tell us whether the dish remained whole after its escapade, we must conclude that it was broken, and that the dreadful accident caused, immediately, a damp to descend upon his effervescent spirits. In what better way could he give vent to his feelings than in descriptive verse? He could not shed his tears upon the paper and hand them around for inspection, or write a melancholy sonnet on the frailty of crockery, as a relief to his mind. No! he chose the course best fitted to command public attention, as the result proved. He told his tale--its cause and effect--in as few words as possible. Fortunate if other poets would only do the same! * * * * * An Ornithological Con. What bird does General PRIM most resemble? A Kingfisher. * * * * * [Illustration: NOTES ON THE FERRY. MR. CARAMEL, WHO IS OBSERVANT, CONTEMPLATIVE, AND GIVEN TO COMPARISON, ARRIVES AT THE CONCLUSION THAT SOME WOMEN ARE NICER THAN OTHERS.] * * * * * THE MISERIES OF A HANDSOME MAN. Ever since my earliest recollections I have been a victim to circumstances. Beauty, which others desire and try every means to obtain, to me has been a source of untold misery. From my infancy, when ugly women with horrid breaths would stop my nurse in the streets and insist upon kissing me--through my school-days, when the girls would pet me and offer me a share of their nuts and candies, and the boys laugh at me in consequence, and call me "gal-boy," squirt ink upon my face for beauty-spots, and present me with curl-papers and flowers for my hair--until the present, when I am denied introductions to young ladies and am put off on old women--I have suffered for my looks. In my boarding-house I am shunned as if I had the plague. When I enter the parlor or dining-room, I see the ladies look at each other with a knowing air, as much as to say, "Look at him!" And the answer is telegraphed back, "Ain't he handsome? but he knows it," as if I could help knowing it with every one telling me so fifty times a day; and husbands pay unusual attention to their wives when I am around, as if I were an ogre. I am naturally a modest man, made more so by my extreme sensitiveness to personal criticism; and to be obliged to stand apparently unconscious, when I know I am being looked at and commented upon, is harrowing to my feelings. I feel sometimes as if I should drop down on the floor, but then folks would never stop laughing if I did, at what they would be pleased to term my extreme ladylikeness! I have actually prayed that I might get the small-pox, and once walked through the small-pox hospital for that purpose, but escaped unharmed. I suppose I must have been vaccinated. In fact, I know I have been, for how often have I looked at the scar on my arm, and wished it had been on my cheek, or at the end of my nose, or, in fact, on any place where it might be considered a blemish. When I was a child I came near killing myself one night by going to bed with two large bottle-corks thrust into my nostrils, to make them large, like other boys'; and have made my mouth sore by stretching it with my fingers, or forcing melon-rinds into it, to enlarge it. But it was useless; perhaps the mouth might be sore for a couple of days, but its shape remained unaltered. Now that I am a man, I am as unfortunate as ever. My hair _will_ curl, even when shaved within half-an-inch of the scalp; my moustache will stay jet-black, although I sometimes wax the ends of it with soap, and walk on the sunny side of Broadway; my teeth are perfect, and I never need a dentist; and my hands are shameful for a man,--so all my old-maid-aunts and bachelor-uncles say. My affections have been trifled with several times, "because," as they said, "when they had drawn me to the proposing point, I was too handsome to be good for anything as a husband--I did very well for a beau." Goodness! is it only ugly men that can marry? I want to marry and settle down; for I am so slighted in society that I look with envy upon homely or mis-shapen men. But who will have me? I put it to you, my friend, if it isn't a hard case. I want an intelligent and agreeable wife, and one that comes of a respectable family. I don't think I am asking too much, but it seems fate has determined such a one I can never have! I have either to remain single, or take one that is "ignorant and vulgar." That, of course, would be as much remarked upon as my appearance, so it cannot be thought of. I want to escape observation and criticism. I think strongly of emigrating to the Rocky Mountains, donning a rough garb, and digging for gold, in the hope of getting round-shouldered; or hiring myself out as a wood-chopper, in anticipation of a chip flying up and taking off part of my obnoxious nose. If there were no women around, I might escape notice out there. But if one happened to come along, I should be obliged to leave, for her eyes would ferret out my unfortunate peculiarities, and all my wounds would be opened afresh. Sometimes I think there is no spot on the globe where I would be welcomed; and I feel inclined to commit some desperate deed, that I may be arrested and confined out of the sight of man and woman-kind, until I am aged and bent enough to be presentable. * * * * * OUR PORTFOLIO. Passing down Chatham street the other day, PUNCHINELLO stopped in front of a window where hung a highly-colored engraving of an Austrian sovereign engaged in the Easter ceremony of washing the feet of twelve old men and women. An Irishman at our side, who had been puzzling some time to comprehend the problem thus submitted to him, finally broke out: "An' may I ax ye, misther, to be koind enough to exshplain phat in the wurruld that owld roosther's doin'?" pointing to the figure of the kneeling monarch. "He is washing the feet of the ladies and gentlemen," mildly put in PUNCHINELLO. "Bedad," says PAT, "don't I see that for meself; but phatis he doin' it for?" "It is a ceremony of the Catholic Church," PUNCHINELLO explained, "typical of the washing of the feet of the Twelve Apostles." PAT eyed PUNCHINELLO askance with an expression which plainly enough said that he did not believe we had been reared to tell the truth strictly upon all occasions, and then added: "Bad cess to your manners, then, don't I know betther nor that; for haven't I been in the church these forty years, and sorrow a sowl ever washed _me_ feet!" * * * * * [Illustration: THE SITUATION IN EUROPE. INTO "BIZ" LOUIS NAP HE IS GOING, TO PAY OFF THE DEBTS THAT HE'S OWING; DETERMINED THAT HE WILL MAKE _his_ MARK, BY TAKING THE CHANGE OUT OF BISMARCK.] * * * * * FROM AN ANXIOUS MOTHER TO HER DAUGHTER. [Who is at a Watering Place.] NEW YORK, July 12, 1870. MY DEAR DAUGHTER: How are you getting on, dear? Well, I hope, for you know I _do_ want to get you off, desperately. Thirty-seven, and still on my hands! Mr. GUSHER, of the Four-hundred-and-thirty-ninth Avenue, goes down next Saturday. He will hunt you up. Mr. GUSHER is a nice man--so sympathetic and kind; and has such a lovely moustache. Besides, my dear SOPHY, he has oceans of stamps. Quite true, my child, he hasn't much of anything else, but girls at thirty-seven must not have too sharp eyes, nor see too much. Do, dear, try and fix him if you can. Put all your little artifices into effect. Walk, if possible, by moonlight, and alone; that is, with him. Talk, as you know you can, of the sweets of love and the delights of home. Dwell on the felicities of love in a cottage, and if he doesn't see it, dilate on the article in a brown-stone front, with marble steps. Picture to him in the most glowing terms the joys of the fireside, with fond you by his side. If he hints that a fireside in July is slightly tepid, thoughtfully suggest that it is merely a figure of speech, and introduce an episode of cream to cool it. Quote vehemently from TENNYSON, and LONGFELLOW, and Mrs. BROWNING. Bring the artillery of your eyes to bear squarely on the mark. Remember that thirty-seven years and an anxious mother are steadily looking down upon you. Cut SMIRCH. SMIRCH is a worthless fellow. Would you believe it? his father makes boot-pegs for a living. The house of WIGGINS cannot consort with the son of one who pegs along in life in this manner! Never. Banish SMIRCH. Don't let SMIRCH even look at your footprints on the beach. Then there is Mr. BLUSTER. What is he? Who? Impertinent puppy! Pretended to own a corner-house on the Twenty-fifth Avenue, and wanted to know how _I_ should like it? Like it? I should like to see him in Sing-Sing! _He_ own a house?--a brass foundry more like, and that in his face! Keep a sharp eye on BLUSTER and his blarney. He's what our neighbor GINGER calls a "beat," whatever that is--a squash, no doubt. Don't spare any pains, my dear, for a market. I was only twenty-six when I married the late lamented Mr. WIGGINS. And a dear good man he was--only I wish he had paid his bills at the corner groceries. How he _did_ love, my dear--that favorite demijohn in the corner! And then when he came home at night with such a smile--he'd been taking them all day. Don't fail to catch somebody. GUSHER, depend, is the man. Money is everything. Never mind what he hasn't got just under the hat. It is the pocket you must aim at. What is life and society--what New York--without money? Say you love him to distraction. Declare your existence is bound up in his. (Greenback binding.) Throw yourself at his feet at the opportune moment, and victory must be yours. Impale him at all hazards. Remember you are thirty-seven and well on in life. Your own loving MARIA ANASTASIA WIGGINS. * * * * * THE PUMP. An Old Story with a Modern Application. Like rifts of sunshine, her tresses Waved over her shoulders bare, And she flitted as light o'er the meadows, As an angel in the air. "O maid of the country, rest thee This village pump beside, And here thou shalt fill thy pitcher, Like REBECCA, the well beside!" But a voice from yonder window Through my shuddering senses ran, And these were its words: "MARIA-R! MA-RIA-R! don't-mind-that-man!" * * * * * [Illustration: LUCIFERS LITTLE GAME WITH HIS ROYAL PUPPETS.] * * * * * HIRAM GREEN'S EXPERIENCE AS AN EDITOR. Lively Times in the Editorial Sanctum.--The "Lait Gustise" handled Roughly. "Whooray! Whooray!" I exclaimed, rushin' into the kitchen door, one mornin' last spring, and addressin' Mrs. GREEN. "I've been invited to edit the _Skeensboro Fish Horn_. Fame, madam, awaits your talented pardner." "Talented Lunkhead, you mean," said this interestin' femail; "you'd look sweet editin' a noose paper. So would H. WARD BEECHER dancin' 'shoo-fly' along with DAN BRYANT. Don't make a fool of yourself if you know anything, HIRAM, and respect your family." The above conversation was the prelude to my first and last experience in editin' a country paper. The editor of the "Fish Horn" went on a pleasure trip, to plant a rich ant who had died and left him some cash. Durin' his absence I run his paper for him. Seatin' my form on top of the nail keg, with shears and paste brush I prepared to show this ere community how to run a noosepaper. I writ the follerin' little squibs and put 'em in my first issue. "If a sertin lite complexion man wouldn't run his hands down into sugar barrels so often, when visitin' grosery stores, it would be money in the pocket of the Skeensboro merchants"-- "Query. Wonder how a farmer in this town, whose name we will not rite, likes burnin' wood from his nabor's wood-pile?"-- "We would advise a sertin toothles old made to leave off paintin' her cheeks, and stop slanderin' her nabors. If she does so, she will be a more interestin' femail to have around."-- "Stop Thief.--If that Deekin, who trades at one of our grocery stores, and helps himself to ten cents worth of tobacker while buyin' one cents worth of pipes, will devide up his custom, it would be doing the square thing by the man who has kept him in tobacker for several years." These articles was like the bustin' of a lot of bombshells in this usually quiet boro. The Deekins called a church meetin', and played a game of old sledge, to see who would call and demand satisfaction for the insult. As they all smoked, they couldn't tell who was hit, as their tobacker bill was small all around. Deekin PERKINS got beat when they come to "saw off." Said this pious man: "If old GREEN don't chaw his words, I'll bust his gizzard." The farmers met at SIMMINSES store. After tryin' on the garment about steelin' wood, it was hard to decide who the coat fit the best, but each one made up his mind to pay off an old grudge and "pitch into the Lait Gustise." All the old mades met together in the village milliner shop, where the Sore-eye-siss society held meetin's once a week, and their false teeth trembled like a rattlesnake's tail, when they read my artickle about old mades. It was finally resolved by this anshient lot of caliker to "stir up old GREEN." Headed by SARY YOUMANS, the crossest old made in the U.S., and all armed with broom-sticks and darnin'-needles, the door of my editorial offis was busted open, and the whole caboodle of wimmen, famishin' for my top hair, entered. They foamed at the mouth like a pack of dissappinted Orpheus--C--Kerrs, as they brandished their wepins over my bald head. "Squire GREEN," sed a maskaline lookin' specimen of time worn caliker, holdin' a copy of the _Fish Horn_ in her bony fingers, "did you rite that 'ere?" "Wall," sed I, feelin' somewhat riled at the sassy crowd, "s'posen I did or didn't, what on it?" "We are goin' to visit the wrath of a down-trodden rase upon your frontispiece, that's what we is, d'ye hear, old Pilgarlick?" said the exasperated 16th Amendmenter, as she brought down her gingham umbrella over my shoulders. At this they all rushed for me. With paste-brush and shears I kept them off, until somebody pushed me over a woman who had got tripped up, when the army of infuriated Amazons piled onto my aged form. This round dident last more'n two minutes, for as soon as they got me down, they all stuck their confounded needles into me, and then left me lookin' more like a porkupine than a human bein'. I hadent more'n had time to pull out a few quarts of needles, before in walks 2 big strappin' farmers. "Old man, we've come for you," said one of 'em. "We'll larn you to slander honest fokes." At this he let fly his rite bute at my cote skirts. I was home-sick, you can jest bet. Then t'other chap let me have it. "Down stairs with him," sed they both, and down I went, pooty lively for an old man. Just as I got to the bottom I lit on a man's head. It was Deekin PERKINS comein' to "bust my gizzard." "Hevings and airth," sed the Deekin as he tumbled over in the entry way. I jumped behind a door, emejutly, and as the farmers proceeded to polish off the Deekin, I was willin' to forgive both of 'em, as the Deekin groaned and yelled. Yes siree! it was soothin' fun for me, to see them farmers welt the Deekin. Steelin' up stairs agin, I was brushin' off my clothes, when in walks EBENEZER. "Sawtel," said he, ceasin' me by the cote coller and shakin' me, "Ile larn you to rite about steelin' sugar; take that--and that," at which he let fly his bute, and down stairs I went agin--Eben urgin' me on with his bute.-- Suffice to say, the whole village called on me that day, and I was kicked down stairs 32 times by the watch.--Hosswhipt by 17 wimmen--besides bein' stuck full of needles by a lot more. I got so used to bein' kicked down stairs, that evry time a man come in the door, I would place my back towards him and sing out: "Kick away, my friend, I'm in the Editorial biziness to-day--to-morrow I go hents--there's rather too much exsitement runnin' a noosepaper, and I shall resine this evenin." When I got home that nite, I looked like an angel carryin' a palm-leaf fan in his hand, and clothed in purple and fine linen. My body was purpler than a huckleberry pie, and my linen was torn into pieces finer than a postage-stamp. "Sarved you rite, you old fool," said Mrs. GREEN, as she stood rubbin' camfire onto me. "In ritin' noosepaper articles, editors orter name their man. A shoe which hain't bilt for anybody in particular, will get onto evrybody in general's foot. When it does, the bilder had better get ready for numerous bootin's, from that self-same shoe." Between you and I, PUNCHINELLO, MARIAH is about 1/2 rite. Too-rally ewers. HIRAM: GREEN, ESQ., _Lait Gustise of the Peece._ * * * * * COMIC ZOOLOGY Order, Cetacea.--The Right (and wrong) Whale. The largest of the Cetacea is the Right whale, of which--so persistently is it hunted down--there will soon be but few Left. Some flippant jokist has remarked that there is no Wrong whale, but this is all Oily Gammon. There is a right and a wrong to everything--not excepting the leviathan of the deep. By the courtesy of the Fisheries, the planting of a harpoon in the vitals of a Right whale gives the planter a pre-emption claim to it. If subsequently appropriated by another party it becomes, so far as that party is concerned, the Wrong whale, and on Trying the case its value may be recovered in a court of law,--with Whaling costs. The sperm whale, or cachalot, (genus _physeter_) is a rare visitor in the higher latitudes. Now and then a solitary specimen is taken in the Northern Atlantic, but the best place to catch a lot is on the Pacific coast. It may be mentioned incidentally, as a curious meteorological coincidence, that Whales and Waterspouts are invariably seen together, and hence it was, (perhaps,) that the long-necked cloud pointed out by HAMLET to POLONIUS, reminded that old Grampus of a Whale. The favorite food of the great marine mammal of the Pacific is the Squid, and as this little creature swarms in the vicinity of Hawaii, the cachalot instinctively goes there at certain seasons to chew its Squid by way of a Sandwich. Although the capture of the whale involves an immense amount of Paying Out before anything can be realized, it has probably always been a lucrative pursuit. The great fish seems, however, to have yielded the greatest Prophet in the days of JONAH. No man since then has enjoyed the same facilities for forming a true estimate of the value of the monster, that were vouchsafed to that singular man. Perhaps during his visit to Nineveh he entertained the Ninnies with a learned lecture on the subject, but if so, it has not turned up to reward the research of modern Archaeologists. LAYARD found the word JONAH inscribed among the ruins of the old Assyrian city, but the name of the ancient mariner was unaccompanied by any mention of the whale. All the whale family, though apparently phlegmatic, are somewhat given to Blowing up, and, when about to die, instead of taking the matter coolly and philosophically, they are always terribly Flurried. In fact, the whale, when in _articulo mortis_, makes a more tremendous rumpus about its latter end than any other animal either of the sea or land. The Right whale, though many people make Light of it, is unquestionably the heaviest of living creatures. Scales never contained anything so ponderous. But while conceding to Leviathan the proud title of Monarch of the Deep, it should be remarked that it has a rival on the land, known as Old King Coal, that completely takes the Shine out of it. * * * * * THE WATERING PLACES. Punchinello's Vacations. At Newport, one cannot fail to perceive a certain atmosphere of blue blood--but it must not be understood, from this expression, that the air is filled with cerulean gore. Mr. P. merely wished to remark that the society at that watering place is very aristocratic. He felt the influence himself, although he staid there only a few days. His aristocratic impulses all came out. Whether they staid out or not remains to be seen. But no matter. He found many of the best people in Newport, and he felt congenial. When a fellow sits at his wine with men like JOHN T. HOFFMAN, and AUGUST BELMONT, and PARAN STEVENS; and takes the air with Mrs. J.F., Jr., behind her delightful four-in-hand, he is apt to feel a little "uppish." If anyone doubts it let him try it. At the Atlantic Hotel they gave Mr. P. the room which had been recently vacated by Gov. PADELFORD. He was glad to hear this. He liked the room a great deal better when he heard that the Governor wasn't there any more. The first walk that he took on the beach proved to him that this was no place for illiterate snobs and shoddyites. Everybody talked of high moral aims, or questions of deep import, (especially the high tariff Congressmen,) and even the little girls who were sitting in the shade, (with big white umbrellas over them to keep the freckles off,) were puzzling their heads over charades and enigmas, instead of running around and making little Frou-Frous of themselves. Mr. P. composed an enigma for a group of these young students. Said he: "My first is a useless expense. My second is a useless expense. My third is a useless expense. My fourth is a useless expense. My fifth is a useless expense. My sixth is a useless expense, and so is my eighth, ninth, tenth, and eleventh, and all the rest of my parts, of which there are three hundred and fifty. My whole is a useless expense, and sits at Washington." The dear little girls were not long in guessing this ingenious enigma and while they were rejoicing over their success, Mr. P. was suddenly addressed by a man who had been standing behind him. Starting little, he turned around and was thus addressed by his unknown listener. "Sir," said that individual, "do I understand you to mean that the Congress of the United States is a useless expense?" "Well, sir," said Mr. P., with a smile, "as it costs a great deal and does very little, I cannot but think it is both useless and expensive." "Then sir," said the other, "you must think the whole institution is a nuisance generally." "You put it very strongly," said Mr. P., "but I fear that you are about right." "Sir!" cried the gentleman, his face beaming with an indescribable expression. "Give me your hand! I am glad to know you. I agree with you exactly. My name is WHITTEMORE." But Mr. P. did not waste all his time in talking to strangers and concocting enigmas. He had come to Newport with a purpose. It was none of the ordinary purposes of watering place visitors. These he could carry out elsewhere. His object in coming here was grand, unusual and romantic. _He came to be rescued by IDA LEWIS!_ It was not easy to devise a plan for this noble design, and it was not until the morning of the second day of his visit, that Mr. P. was ready for the adventure. Then he hired a boat, and set sail, alone, o'er the boundless bosom of the Atlantic. He had not sailed more than a few hours on said boundless bosom, before he turned his prow back towards land,--towards the far-famed Lime Rocks, on which the intrepid heroine dwells. He had thought of being wrecked at night, but fearing that IDA might not be able to find him in the dark, he gave up this idea. His present intention was that Miss LEWIS should believe him to be a lonely mariner from a far distance, tossed by the angry waves upon her rock-bound coast But there was a certain difficulty in the way, which Mr. P. feared would prove fatal to his hopes. The sea was just as smooth as glass! And the wind all died away! There was not enough left to ruffle a squirrel's tail. How absurd the situation! How could he ever be dashed helpless upon the rocks under such circumstances? The tide was setting in, and as he gradually drifted towards the land, he saw the storied rocks, and even perceived Miss IDA, sitting upon a shady prominence, crocheting a tidy. What should he do to attract her attention? How put himself in imminent peril? His anxiety for a time was dreadful, but he thought of a plan. He got out his knife and whittled the mast half through. "Now," thought he, "if my mast and rigging go by the board, she will surely come and rescue me!" But the mast and rigging were as obstinate as outside speculators in Wall street,--they would not go by the board,--and Mr. P. was obliged at last to break down the mast by main force. But the lady heard not the awful crash, and little weened that a fellow-being was out alone on the wild watery waste, in a shipwrecked bark! After waiting for some time, that she might ween this terrible truth, Mr. P, concluded that there was nothing to do but to spring a leak. But he found this difficult. Kick as hard as he might, he could not loosen a bottom board. And he had no auger! The Lime Rocks were getting nearer and nearer. Would he drift safely ashore? "Oh! how can I wreck myself, 'ere it be too late?" he cried, in the agony of his heart. Wild with apprehensions of reaching the land without danger, he sat down and madly whittled a hole in the bottom of the boat, making it, as nearly as possible, such a one as a sword fish would be likely to cut. When he got it done, the water bubbled through it like an oil-well. In fact, Mr. P. was afraid that his vessel would fill up before he was near enough for the maiden on the rocks to hear his heart-rending cries for succor. He could see her plainly now. 'Twas certainly she. He knew her by her photograph--("Twenty-five cents, sir. The American female GRACE DARLING, sir. Likeness warranted, sir.") But she turned not towards him. Confound it! Would she finish that eternal tidy ere she glanced around? The boat was almost full now. It would sink before she saw it! That hole must be stopped until he had drifted near enough to give vent to an agonizing cry for help. Having nothing else convenient, Mr. P. clapped into the hole a lot of manuscripts which he had brought with him for consideration. (Correspondents who may experience apparent neglect will please take notice. It is presumed, of course, that every one who writes anything worth reading, will keep a copy of it.) Now the rocks were comparatively near, and standing up to his knees in water, Mr. P. gave the appropriate heart-rending cry for succor. But in spite of the prevailing calm, he perceived that there was a surf upon the rocks, and a noise of many waters. At the top of his voice Mr. P. again shouted. "Hello, IDA!" But he soon found that he would have to hello longer as well as hello IDA, and he did it. At last she heard him. Dropping her work-basket, she ran to the edge of the rock, and making a trumpet of her hands, called out: "Ahoy there! What's up?" "Me!" answered Mr. P., "but I won't be up very long. Haste to my assistance, oh maiden! ere I sink!" Then she shouted again: "I've got no boat! It's over to MCCURDY's, getting caulked!" No boat! Then indeed did Mr. P. turn pale, and his knees did tremble. But IDA was not to be daunted. Bounding like a chamois o'er the rocks, to her house, she quickly returned with a long coil of rope, and instantly hurled it over the curling breakers with such a strong arm and true aim, that one end of it struck Mr. P. in the face with a crack like that of a giant's whip. He grasped the rope, and that instant his boat sank like a rock! IDA hauled away like a steam-engine, and Mr. P.'s prow (his nose, you know,) cut through the water like a knife, in a straight line for the shore. In front of him he saw a great mass of sharp roots. He shuddered, but over them he went. On, on, he went, nor turned aside for jagged cleft or sharp-edged stone. A ship, loaded with queensware, had been wrecked near shore, and through a vast mass of broken plates, and cups, and saucers, Mr. P. went,--straight and swift as an arrow. At last, wet, bleeding, ragged, scratched, and feint, he reached the shore. Said IDA, as she supported him towards her dwelling: "How did you ever come to be wrecked on such a day as this?" Mr. P. hesitated. But with such a noble creature, the truth would surely be the best. He told her all. "Oh!" said he. "Dear girl, 'twas I, myself, who hewed down my mast and scuttled my fair bark. And I did it, maiden fair! that thy brave arm might rescue me from the watery deep, (you know what a good thing it would be for both of us when it got in the papers,) and that on thy hardy bosom I might be borne--" "Born jackass!" interrupted IDA. "I believe that everybody who comes to Newport make fools of themselves about me; but you are certainly the Champion Fool of the Lime Rocks." Mr. P. couldn't deny it. * * * * * Alphabetical. From the insult passed upon Count BENDETTI, at Ems, it appears that the Prussian government does not always mind its P's and Q's. * * * * * A ROSE BY ANY OTHER NAME. A Love Tale. I. "I won't do it--there!" Miss ANGELINA VAVASOUR sat her little fat body down in a chair, slapped her little fat hands upon her little fat knees, swelled her little fat person until she looked like a big gooseberry just ready to burst, and then turned her little fat red face up to Mr. JOHN SMITH, who was standing before her. "I regret," said Mr. J.S., "that you should refuse to be Mrs. JOHN SMITH." (ANGELINA shuddered.) "Might I ask you why?" "No," said she. "Say, my age." "But I don't object to that," said J.S. "Well, I won't," said ANGELINA, "that's all!" J.S. rubbed the fur on his hat the wrong way, pulled up his shirt collar, looked mournfully at the idol of his heart, and departed. Why did she refuse him? Listen! About a thousand or two years ago--well, perhaps we had better not go so far back--anyhow, Miss VAVASOUR had ancestors, and she was proud of them; she had a name, and she gloried in it; she had $100,000, and therefore insisted on keeping her aristocratic name; she had kept it for forty years, and was willing to take a contract for the rest of the job, though she did feel that she needed a man to slide down the hill of time with her, and she was rather fond of SMITH. Mr. JOHN SMITH wanted to marry her for herself alone, though he had made inquiries and knew all about that $100,000. Thus it was. II. "That's all!" Miss VAVASOUR had said. But was it all? She thought it was matrimony; J.S. thought it was matter o' money, and J.S. had a long head--an awfully long head. Mr. JOHN SMITH sat before the grate. His auburn locks, his Roman nose, his little grey eyes, his thin lips, his big ears, and each particular hair of his red whiskers, expressed intense disgust. He was day-dreaming, seeing visions in the fire. There he saw Miss ANGELINA VAVASOUR. Her eyes were ten dollar gold pieces, her nose a little pile of ducats, each cheek seemed swelled out by large quantities of dollars, every tooth in her head was a double-eagle, and her hair was a mass of ingots. He heaved a sigh and took a fresh chew. The tobacco seemed to refresh him; he walked the floor for a while, and then sat in his chair. Suddenly his countenance was irradiated, like a ripening squash at early morn, and he sprang to his feet, crying out, "Eureka! I'll do it." III. Eureka! How? What? Thus. One month afterwards our hero presented himself at the house of Miss VAVASOUR, carrying under his arm a large volume, bound in calf. "Miss VAVASOUR," said he, "I come to repeat my proposition to you. Will you reconsider?" "Sir?" said she. "Things have changed," said our hero. "Changed!" echoed she. "What do you mean, Mr. JOHN SMITH?" "Call me not by that vile cognomen," quoth he. "Look!" and he opened the Session Laws at page 1004. She read: "STATE OF NEW YORK, COUNTY OF BLANK. I, JONATHAN JERUSALEM, Clerk of said County, do hereby certify that the following change of name has been made by the County Court of this County, viz.: JOHN SMITH to AUGUSTUS VAVASOUR. In testimony whereof, I have set my hand and the seal of the County, June 3d, 1870. JONATHAN JERUSALEM, _Clerk_." [L.S.] She fell into his arms, and rested her palpitating head upon his palpitating bosom. He pulled up his shirt-collar, trod on the cat, and gently whispered, "$100,000." MORAL. A word to the wise. Go and do like-wise. LOT. * * * * * Gummy. The following is from a Western paper: "At Council Buffs, Iowa, a woman who don't chew gum is out of style, and gets the cold shoulder." Our comment upon the above is that there must be very little gumshun among the women of Council Bluffs. * * * * * [Illustration: "SUCH IS LIFE." Here you see Tom, Dick, and Harry, as they looked when starting in the morning for a day's fishing. And this is the same party, dejected, bedraggled, and foot-sore wearily making their way homeward after their day's "sport."] * * * * * DOWN THE BAY. Mr. Punchinello: It is just possible that you never went on a fine fishing excursion down the Bay with a party of nice young men. If you never did, don't. I confess it sounds well on paper. But it's a Deceit, a Snare, and a Hollow Mockery. I will narrate. Some days ago I was induced (the Deuce is in it if I ever am again) to participate in a supposed festivity of this nature. In the first place, we (the excursionists,) chartered a yacht, two Hands that knew the Ropes--they looked as if they might have been acquainted with the Rope's End--and a small Octoroon of the male persuasion as waiter. As CHOWLES characteristically observed, (he is a Stock Broker, and was one of the party,) "there is nothing like a feeling of Security." So we engaged a Skipper who was perfectly familiar with the BARINGS of the Banks, and Thoroughly Posted on all Sea 'Changes, at least so CHOWLES expressed it, but then he is apt to be somewhat technical at times. This accomplished mariner was reputed to have been "Round the Horn" several times, which I am led to believe was perfectly true, as he smelt strongly of spirits when he came on board. I was much discouraged at the appearance of this Skipper, and had half a mind to give my friends the Slip when I saw him on the Wharf. Having manned our craft, we purchased a colossal refrigerator in which to put our Bass and Weak Fish, laid in a stock of cold provisions--among other things a Cold Shoulder--plenty of exhilarating beverages, and, with Buoyant Spirits, (every Man of us,) and plenty of ice on board, started on the slack of the Morning Tide. I regret to state that by the time we were ready to start our Skipper was half way "Over the Bay," being provided with a pocket pistol charged to the muzzle. He and his two subordinates were pretty well "Shot in the neck" by the time we reached Fort Lafoyette. The consequence of this was that we no sooner came Abreast of the reef in that locality than we got Afoul of it. For getting Afoul of the Rocks we had to Fork over twenty dollars to the captain of a tug boat which came and Snaked us off with a Coil of Rope when the tide rose. During the time we remained stationary, the Bottle, I am sorry to say, kept going Round. All the excursionists except myself got half seas over, and when we resumed our voyage the steersman had fallen asleep, so the vessel left a Wake behind her which was extremely crooked. We anchored that night outside Sandy Hook, and next morning cast our lines overboard, and commenced fishing. Our success in that Line was astounding, not to say embarrassing. We commenced to take Fish on an unparalleled Scale. Dog Fish and Stingarees were hauled over the side without intermission. The former is a kind of small shark. As they will Swallow anything, we Took them In very fast Although extremely voracious, they are so simple that if it were not for their size they would fell an easy prey to the Sea Gull, which, in spite of its name, is a very Wide Awake bird. Stingarees are fish of much more Penetration--their sharp tails slashing everything that comes in their way. These natural weapons, which have been furnished them by Providence as a means of defence in their Extremity, cut through a fellow's trousers like paper. The interesting creatures cut up so that we kindly consigned them, together with the dog fish, to their native element, having first benevolently knocked them on the head. Changing our location for a change of luck, we captured a superb mess of sea robins and toad fish. This satisfied us. So we pulled up anchor, not Hankering for any more such sport, and left the Hook, very glad to Hook It. We didn't have any of our toadies or robbins cooked, as those "spoils of ocean," although interesting as marine curiosities, are not considered good to eat, but each man had a Broil, as the Sun was very hot, and as CHOWLES remarked, "brought out the Gravy." That night we turned in, having been turned inside out all day. Next morning we reached home. The skipper presented his Bill in the course of the day. Although extremely exorbitant, we paid it without a murmur, being too much exhausted from casting up accounts ourselves, to bring him to Book for his misconduct. Such is the sad experience of Yours Reverentially, CHINCAPEN. * * * * * The Pillar of Salt (Lake.) Lot's (of) Wife. +--------------------------------------------------------------+ | | | A. T. Stewart & Co. | | | | Are offering novelties in | | | | Crepe de Chine Sashes | | | | WITH HEAVY FRINGES, | | | | The Latest Paris Style. Also, | | | | WIDE BLACK AND COLORED | | SASH RIBBONS | | | | Roman, Ecossais, Broche and | | Chine Ribbons, | | | | JUST RECEIVED. | | | | BROADWAY, | | | | 4th Avenue, 9th and 10th Streets. | | | +--------------------------------------------------------------+ | A. T. Stewart & Co. | | | | Are closing out their stock of | | | | FRENCH, ENGLISH, AND DOMESTIC | | | | CARPETS, | | | | Oil Cloths, Rugs, Mats, Cocoa and Canton | | Mattings, &c., &c. | | | | At a Great REDUCTION IN PRICES, | | | | Notwithstanding the unexpected extraordinary | | rise in gold. | | | | _Customers and Strangers are Respectfully_ | | | | INVITED TO EXAMINE. | | | | BROADWAY, | | | | 4th Avenue, 9th and 10th Streets. | | | +--------------------------------------------------------------+ | | | Extraordinay Bargains | | | | IN | | | | LADIES' PARIS AND DOMESTIC READY-MADE | | | | Suits, Robes, Reception | | Dresses, &c., | | | | Some less than half their cost. | | | | AND WE WILL DAILY OFFER NOVELTIES IN | | | | Plain and Braided Victoria Lawn, | | Linen and Pique Traveling | | | | SUITS. | | | | CHILDREN'S BRAIDED LINEN AND | | | | Pique Garments, | | | | SIZES FROM 2 YEARS TO 10 YEARS OLD. | | | | PANIER BEDUOIN MANTLES, | | IN CHOICE COLORS, | | | | From $3.50 to $7 each. | | | | Richly Embroidered Cashmere and | | Cloth Breakfast Jackets, | | | | PARIS MADE, | | | | $8 each and upward. | | | | A. T. Steward & Co. | | | | BROADWAY, | | | | 4TH AVE., 9TH AND 10TH STREETS | | | +--------------------------------------------------------------+ | | | PUNCHINELLO. | | | | | | The first number of this Illustrated Humorous and Satirical | | Weekly Paper was issued under date of April 2, 1870. The | | Press and the Public in every State and Territory of the | | Union endorse it as the best paper of its kind ever | | published in America. | | | | CONTENTS ENTIRELY ORIGINAL. | | | | Subscription for one year, (with $2.00 premium,) $4.00 | | " " six months, (without premium,) 2.00 | | " " three months, " " 1.00 | | Single copies mailed free, for .10 | | | | We offer the following elegant premiums of L. PRANG & CO'S | | CHROMOS for subscriptions as follows: | | | | A copy of paper for one year, and | | | | "The Awakening," (a Litter of Puppies.) Half chromo. | | Size 8-3/8 x 11-1/8 ($2.00 picture,)--for $4.00 | | | | A copy of paper for one year and either of the | | following $3.00 chromos: | | | | Wild Roses. 12-1/8 x 9. | | Dead Game. 11-1/8 x 8-1/8. | | Easter Morning. 6-3/4 x 10-1/4--for $5.00 | | | | A copy of paper--for one year and either of the | | following $5.00 chromos: | | | | Group of Chickens: | | Group of Ducklings; | | Group of Quails. Each 10 x 12-1/8. | | | | The Poultry Yard. 10-1/8 x 14. | | | | The Barefoot Boy; Wild Fruit. Each 9-3/4 x 13. | | | | Pointer and Quail; | | Spaniel and Woodcock. 10 x 12--for $6.50 | | | | A copy of paper for one year and either of the | | following $6.00 chromos: | | | | The Baby in Trouble; | | The Unconscious Sleeper; | | The Two Friends. (Dog and Child.) Each 13 x 16-1/4. | | | | Spring; Summer; Autumn; 12-7/8 x 16-1/8. | | | | The Kid's Play Ground. 11 x 17-1/2--for $7.00 | | | | A copy of paper for one year and either of the | | following $7.50 chromos | | | | Strawberries and Baskets. | | Cherries and Baskets. | | Currants. Each 13 x 18. | | | | Horses in a Storm. 22-1/4 x 15-1/4. | | | | Six Central Park Views. (A set.) 9 1/8 x 4 1/2--for $8.00 | | | | A copy of paper for one year and | | | | Six American Landscapes. (A set.) | | 4-3/8 x 9, price $9.00--for $9.00 | | | | A copy of paper for one year and either of the | | following $10 chromos: | | | | Sunset in California. (Bierstadt) 18-1/8 x 12 | | | | Easter Morning. 14 x 21. | | | | Corregio's Magdalen. 12-1/2 x 16-3/8. | | | | Summer Fruit, and Autumn Fruit. (Half chromos,) | | 15-1/2 x 10-1/2, (companions, price $10.00 for the two), | | for $10.00 | | | | Remittances should be made in P.O. Orders, Drafts, or Bank | | Checks on New York, or Registered letters. The paper will be | | sent from the first number, (April 2d, 1870,) when not | | otherwise ordered. | | | | Postage of paper is payable at the office where received, | | twenty cents per year, or five cents per quarter, in | | advance; the CHROMOS will be _mailed free_ on receipt of | | money. | | | | CANVASSERS WANTED, to whom liberal commissions will be | | given. For special terms address the Company. | | | | The first ten numbers will be sent to any one desirous of | | seeing the paper before subscribing, for SIXTY CENTS. A | | specimen copy sent to any one desirous of canvassing or | | getting up a club, on receipt of postage stamp. | | | | Address, | | | | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO., | | | | P.O. Box 2783. No. 83 Nassau Street, New York. | | | +--------------------------------------------------------------+ [Illustration: A CHINAMAN'S FUNERAL] +--------------------------------------------------------------+ | | | PRANG'S LATEST PUBLICATIONS: "Wild Flowers," "Water-Lilies," | | "Chas. Dickens." | | | | PRANG'S CHROMOS sold in all Art Stores throughout the | | world. | | | | PRANG'S ILLUSTRATED CATALOGUE sent free on receipt of stamp. | | | | L. PRANG & CO., Boston. | | | +--------------------------------------------------------------+ | | | PUNCHINELLO. | | | | With a large and varied experience in the management and | | publication of a paper of the class herewith submitted, and | | with the still more positive advantage of an Ample Capital | | to justify the undertaking, the | | | | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO. | | | | OF THE CITY OF NEW YORK, | | | | Presents to the public for approval, the new | | | | ILLUSTRATED HUMOROUS AND SATIRICAL | | | | WEEKLY PAPER, | | | | PUNCHINELLO, | | | | The first number of which was issued under | | date of April 2. | | | | ORIGINAL ARTICLES, | | | | Suitable for the paper, and Original Designs, or suggestive | | ideas or sketches for illustrations, upon the topics of the | | day, are always acceptable and will be paid for liberally. | | | | Rejected communications cannot be returned, unless | | postage stamps are inclosed. | | | | TERMS: | | | |One copy, per year, in advance. . . . . . . . . . . . . $4.00 | |Single copies . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 10 | | | | A specimen copy will be mailed free upon the | | receipt of ten cents. | | One copy, with the Riverside Magazine, or any other | |magazine or paper, price, $2.50, for. . . . . . . . . . 5.50 | |One copy, with any magazine or paper, price, $4, for. . 7.00 | | | | All communications, remittances, etc., to be addressed to | | | | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO., | | | | No. 83 Nassau Street, | | | | P.O. Box, 2783, | | | | NEW YORK. | | | +--------------------------------------------------------------+ | | | Tourists and Pleasure Traveler | | | | will be glad to learn that the Erie Railway Company has | | prepared | | | | COMBINATION EXCURSION | | | | OR | | | | Round Trip Tickets, | | | | Valid during the entire season, and embracing Ithaca-- | | headwaters of Cayuga Lake--Niagara Falls, Lake Ontario, the | | River St. Lawrence, Montreal, Quebec, Lake Champlain, Lake | | George, Saratoga, the White Mountains, and all principal | | points of interest in Northern New York, the Canada, and New | | England. Also similar Tickets at reduced rates, through Lake | | Superior, enabling travelers to visit the celebrated Iron | | Mountains and Copper Mines of that region. By applying at | | the Offices of the Erie Railway Co., Nos. 241, 529 and 957 | | Broadway; 205 Chambers St.; 38 Greenwich St.; cor. 125th St. | | and Third Avenue, Harlem; 338 Fulton St., Brooklyn; Depots | | foot of Chambers Street, and foot of 23rd St., New York; No. | | 3 Exchange Place, and Long Dock Depot, Jersey City, and the | | Agents at the principal hotels, travelers can obtain just | | the Ticket they desire, as well as all the necessary | | information. | | | +--------------------------------------------------------------+ | | | "The Printing House of the United States." | | | | GEO. F. NESBITT & CO., | | | | General JOB PRINTERS, | | | | BLANK BOOK Manufacturers, | | STATIONERS, Wholesale and Retail, | | LITHOGRAPHIC Engravers and Printers, | | COPPER-PLATE Engravers and Printers, | | CARD Manufacturers, | | FINE CUT and COLOR Printers. | | | | 163, 165, 167, and 169 PEARL ST., | | 73, 75, 77, and 79 PINE ST., New York. | | | | ADVANTAGES. All on the same premises, and under | | immediate supervision of the proprietors. | | | +--------------------------------------------------------------+ | | | MYSTERY OF MR. E. DROOD. | | | | The New Burlesque Serial, | | | | Written expressly for PUNCHINELLO, | | | | BY | | | | ORPHEUS C. KERR, | | | | Commenced in No. 11, will be continued weekly throughout the | | year. | | | | A sketch of the eminent author, written by his bosom friend, | | with superb illustrations of | | | | 1ST. THE AUTHOR'S PALATIAL RESIDENCE AT BEGAD'S HILL, | | TICKNOR'S FIELDS, NEW JERSEY | | | | 2D. THE AUTHOR AT THE DOOR OF SAID PALATIAL RESIDENCE, taken | | as he appears "Every Saturday, will also be found in the | | same number. | | | | Single Copies, for sale by all newsmen, (or mailed from | | this office, free,) Ten Cents. | | | | Subscription for One Year, one copy, with $2 Chromo | | Premium, $4. | | | | Those desirous of receiving the paper containing this new | | serial, which promises to be the best ever written by | | ORPHEUS C. KERR, should subscribe now, to insure its regular | | receipt weekly. | | | | We will send the first Ten Numbers of PUNCHINELLO to any | | one who wishes to see them, in view of subscribing, on the | | receipt of SIXTY CENTS. | | | | Address, | | | | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY, | | | | 83 Nassau St., New York. | | | | P.O. Box 2783. | | | +--------------------------------------------------------------+ *** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCHINELLO, VOLUME 1, NO. 19, AUGUST 6, 1870 *** Updated editions will replace the previous one—the old editions will be renamed. Creating the works from print editions not protected by U.S. copyright law means that no one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation (and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to copying and distributing Project Gutenberg™ electronic works to protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG™ concept and trademark. Project Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you charge for an eBook, except by following the terms of the trademark license, including paying royalties for use of the Project Gutenberg trademark. If you do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the trademark license is very easy. You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and research. Project Gutenberg eBooks may be modified and printed and given away—you may do practically ANYTHING in the United States with eBooks not protected by U.S. copyright law. Redistribution is subject to the trademark license, especially commercial redistribution. START: FULL LICENSE THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK To protect the Project Gutenberg™ mission of promoting the free distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work (or any other work associated in any way with the phrase “Project Gutenberg”), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project Gutenberg™ License available with this file or online at www.gutenberg.org/license. Section 1. General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg™ electronic works 1.A. By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg™ electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property (trademark/copyright) agreement. If you do not agree to abide by all the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy all copies of Project Gutenberg™ electronic works in your possession. If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project Gutenberg™ electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8. 1.B. “Project Gutenberg” is a registered trademark. It may only be used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement. There are a few things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg™ electronic works even without complying with the full terms of this agreement. See paragraph 1.C below. There are a lot of things you can do with Project Gutenberg™ electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg™ electronic works. See paragraph 1.E below. 1.C. The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation (“the Foundation” or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project Gutenberg™ electronic works. Nearly all the individual works in the collection are in the public domain in the United States. If an individual work is unprotected by copyright law in the United States and you are located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg are removed. Of course, we hope that you will support the Project Gutenberg™ mission of promoting free access to electronic works by freely sharing Project Gutenberg™ works in compliance with the terms of this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg™ name associated with the work. You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project Gutenberg™ License when you share it without charge with others. 1.D. The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern what you can do with this work. Copyright laws in most countries are in a constant state of change. If you are outside the United States, check the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project Gutenberg™ work. The Foundation makes no representations concerning the copyright status of any work in any country other than the United States. 1.E. Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg: 1.E.1. The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate access to, the full Project Gutenberg™ License must appear prominently whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg™ work (any work on which the phrase “Project Gutenberg” appears, or with which the phrase “Project Gutenberg” is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed, copied or distributed: This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and most other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you will have to check the laws of the country where you are located before using this eBook. 1.E.2. If an individual Project Gutenberg™ electronic work is derived from texts not protected by U.S. copyright law (does not contain a notice indicating that it is posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees or charges. If you are redistributing or providing access to a work with the phrase “Project Gutenberg” associated with or appearing on the work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the Project Gutenberg™ trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or 1.E.9. 1.E.3. If an individual Project Gutenberg™ electronic work is posted with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional terms imposed by the copyright holder. Additional terms will be linked to the Project Gutenberg™ License for all works posted with the permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work. 1.E.4. Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg™ License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg™. 1.E.5. Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project Gutenberg™ License. 1.E.6. You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary, compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any word processing or hypertext form. However, if you provide access to or distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg™ work in a format other than “Plain Vanilla ASCII” or other format used in the official version posted on the official Project Gutenberg™ website (www.gutenberg.org), you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon request, of the work in its original “Plain Vanilla ASCII” or other form. Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg™ License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1. 1.E.7. Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying, performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg™ works unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9. 1.E.8. You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing access to or distributing Project Gutenberg™ electronic works provided that: • You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from the use of Project Gutenberg™ works calculated using the method you already use to calculate your applicable taxes. The fee is owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg™ trademark, but he has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation. Royalty payments must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax returns. Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the address specified in Section 4, “Information about donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation.” • You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg™ License. You must require such a user to return or destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of Project Gutenberg™ works. • You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days of receipt of the work. • You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free distribution of Project Gutenberg™ works. 1.E.9. If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg™ electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the manager of the Project Gutenberg™ trademark. Contact the Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below. 1.F. 1.F.1. Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread works not protected by U.S. copyright law in creating the Project Gutenberg™ collection. Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg™ electronic works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain “Defects,” such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by your equipment. 1.F.2. LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the “Right of Replacement or Refund” described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project Gutenberg™ trademark, and any other party distributing a Project Gutenberg™ electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal fees. YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH 1.F.3. YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH DAMAGE. 1.F.3. LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a written explanation to the person you received the work from. If you received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with your written explanation. The person or entity that provided you with the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a refund. If you received the work electronically, the person or entity providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund. If the second copy is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further opportunities to fix the problem. 1.F.4. Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you ‘AS-IS’, WITH NO OTHER WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE. 1.F.5. Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages. If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by the applicable state law. The invalidity or unenforceability of any provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions. 1.F.6. INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone providing copies of Project Gutenberg™ electronic works in accordance with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production, promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg™ electronic works, harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees, that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg™ work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any Project Gutenberg™ work, and (c) any Defect you cause. Section 2. Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg™ Project Gutenberg™ is synonymous with the free distribution of electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers. It exists because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from people in all walks of life. Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the assistance they need are critical to reaching Project Gutenberg™’s goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg™ collection will remain freely available for generations to come. In 2001, the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure and permanent future for Project Gutenberg™ and future generations. To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4 and the Foundation information page at www.gutenberg.org. Section 3. Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non-profit 501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal Revenue Service. The Foundation’s EIN or federal tax identification number is 64-6221541. Contributions to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state’s laws. The Foundation’s business office is located at 809 North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887. Email contact links and up to date contact information can be found at the Foundation’s website and official page at www.gutenberg.org/contact Section 4. Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation Project Gutenberg™ depends upon and cannot survive without widespread public support and donations to carry out its mission of increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be freely distributed in machine-readable form accessible by the widest array of equipment including outdated equipment. Many small donations ($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt status with the IRS. The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United States. Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up with these requirements. We do not solicit donations in locations where we have not received written confirmation of compliance. To SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any particular state visit www.gutenberg.org/donate. While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who approach us with offers to donate. International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from outside the United States. U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff. Please check the Project Gutenberg web pages for current donation methods and addresses. Donations are accepted in a number of other ways including checks, online payments and credit card donations. To donate, please visit: www.gutenberg.org/donate. Section 5. General Information About Project Gutenberg™ electronic works Professor Michael S. Hart was the originator of the Project Gutenberg™ concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared with anyone. For forty years, he produced and distributed Project Gutenberg™ eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support. Project Gutenberg™ eBooks are often created from several printed editions, all of which are confirmed as not protected by copyright in the U.S. unless a copyright notice is included. Thus, we do not necessarily keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition. Most people start at our website which has the main PG search facility: www.gutenberg.org. This website includes information about Project Gutenberg™, including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks.