The Project Gutenberg eBook of The Duchess of Dublin: A Farce This ebook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and most other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included with this ebook or online at www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you will have to check the laws of the country where you are located before using this eBook. Title: The Duchess of Dublin: A Farce Author: George M. Baker Release date: July 6, 2016 [eBook #52512] Language: English Credits: Produced by Judith Wirawan, David Edwards and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This file was produced from images generously made available by The Internet Archive) *** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE DUCHESS OF DUBLIN: A FARCE *** Produced by Judith Wirawan, David Edwards and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This file was produced from images generously made available by The Internet Archive) [Illustration: ALL THE WORLD'S A STAGE. THE AMATEUR DRAMA. THE DUCHESS OF DUBLIN. BOSTON: GEO. M. BAKER & CO. 149 Washington Street. Entered, according to Act of Congress, in the year 1873 by GEORGE M. BAKER, in the Office of the Librarian of Congress, at Washington. ] THE DUCHESS OF DUBLIN. A Farce. BY THE AUTHOR OF "Sylvia's Soldier," "Once on a Time," "Down by the Sea," "The Last Loaf," "Bread on the Waters," "Stand by the Flag," "The Tempter," "A Drop too Much," "We're all Teetotalers," "A Little more Cider," "Thirty Minutes for Refreshments," "Wanted, a Male Cook," "A Sea of Troubles," "Freedom of the Press," "A Close Shave," "The Great Elixir," "The Man with the Demijohn," "Humors of the Strike," "New Brooms sweep Clean," "My Uncle the Captain," "The Greatest Plague in Life," "No Cure, no Pay," "The Grecian Bend," "War of the Roses," "Lightheart's Pilgrimage," "The Sculptor's Triumph," "Too Late for the Train," "Snow-Bound," "The Peddler of Very Nice," "Bonbons," "Capuletta," "An Original Idea," "My Brother's Keeper," "Among the Breakers," "The Boston Dip," "The Duchess of Dublin," "A Tender Attachment," "Gentlemen of the Jury," "A Public Benefactor," "The Thief of Time," "The Hypochondriac," "The Runaways," "Coals of Fire," "The Red Chignon," "Using the Weed," "A Love of a Bonnet," "A Precious Pickle," "The Revolt of the Bees," "The Seven Ages," &c., &c., &c. BOSTON: GEORGE M. BAKER & CO., 149 WASHINGTON STREET. Entered, according to Act of Congress, in the year 1873 by GEORGE M. BAKER, In the Office of the Librarian of Congress at Washington. _Rand, Avery, & Frye, Printers, Boston._ THE DUCHESS OF DUBLIN. A FARCE. CHARACTERS. DR. ADAM ACONITE, a Young Physician. FRANK FRISKEY. OLIVER OLDBUCK, rich and gouty. SILAS SHARPSET, a Speculator. DENNIS DOOLAN, a Widower. PETER PLUMPFACE, with a bad cough. ANNIE ACONITE, the Doctor's Sister. LUCY LINDEN, a Milliner. MISS ABIGAIL ALLLOVE, an Autograph Hunter. MAGGIE MULLEN, "The Duchess of Dublin." COSTUMES. DR. ACONITE. Black suit, white necktie, light side whiskers, and light wig. FRANK. Dark coat and vest, light pants, roundabout hat. OLDBUCK. Gray wig, blue coat with brass buttons, double-breasted vest, white neckerchief, foot swathed in bandages, cane. SHARPSET. Gray suit, red cop wig, full red beard, Kossuth hat. DENNIS. Red wig, blue overall suit, rusty white hat. PLUMPFACE. Made up fat, very red face, dark, old-fashioned suit. Eye-glasses attached to a string, which drop from his nose when he coughs. ANNIE. Neat morning dress. LUCY. Tasty street dress and hat. ABIGAIL. Close-fitting black dress, hair "a la Grecian," black lace cape, broad straw hat, red nose. MAGGIE. Neat dress of a kitchen girl, sleeves rolled up. SCENE.--_DR. ACONITE'S office. Table, C., with a display of vials, one or two books, writing materials, &c. Chair, L. of table. Two chairs back. Small table, R., with chair beside it._ _MAGGIE discovered dusting. Her left hand is wrapped in a thick covering._ _Maggie._ 'Pon my sowl, it's the docthor's a jewel, that he is! Didn't I burn me wid the hot fat, that made me howl wid the pain uv it? And didn't the blissid docthor tind me loike his own sisther--wid the cooling and haling salve for me fisht, and the wee sugar pills for the faver that was burnin' me up intirely? And didn't the blissid crayther, wid the bountiful heart in 'im, charge niver a cint for it, or sthop it out uv the wages uv a poor girl, as many a hathen would do, bad luck to 'em. To be sure he did; and, by that same token, it's Maggie Mullen would run the wide worrld over for the sakes uv him. Och, but it's little docthoring he has onyhow, and perhaps I did him a sarvice giving him the practice loike. Will, if the sick folks only knew how handy he is, there'd be little rist for the sole uv my fut answering the bill. _Enter FRISKEY, L._ _Friskey._ Hallo, Maggie! Where's the doctor? _Maggie._ Sure it's at his brikfast he is. Can't you lit him have a little pace for his sowl? What wid bein' up all night, and runnin' to sick folks all day, it's little rist he finds onyhow. _Friskey._ That's right, Maggie. Keep up a show of business if there is none. But I'm in the secret. _Maggie._ Sacret, is it? Sure there's none. _Friskey._ Ah, we know, Maggie, that our friend the doctor has yet to get his first patient. _Maggie._ Indade you're wrong there, Masther Frank. Haven't I been under his charge, and don't I know the skilful arts uv him? Indade I do, and can give him the highest characther. _Friskey._ O, I forgot that, Maggie. He's made a commencement. How's your hand, Maggie? _Maggie._ As comfortable as it can be wid the finest midical attention. _Friskey._ That's good. Well, I'll wait for him. (_Sits at table; takes up newspaper._) _Maggie._ That's right, sir. He'll be glad to say ye's. But mind, don't interfare wid his business. Don't tak his mind off the purshuit uv patients, for it's much they're wanted, ye's can belave. [_Exit, R._ _Friskey._ I do _belave_ it. Now here's a man who has passed a splendid examination, received his diploma, and settled down in his native village to practise medicine, but so set are the good people that they will never patronize him until age and experience have fitted him to be their medical adviser. Stuff and nonsense! While he is growing he must starve, unless some way is found to move their stubborn will. Not a patient--no, I'm wrong--there's his free patient, Maggie, "The Duchess of Dublin," as _Lucy_ and I facetiously call her. A free patient! If we could only contrive to get one of the high and mighty snobs of the village into his clutches, we'd physic him until the whole population flocked to his office. (_Knock, L._) Come in. (_Enter LUCY LINDEN, L._) Ah, Lucy, come in. How d'ye do? (_Shake hands._) _Lucy._ Where's Adam? _Friskey._ The first of men is at his breakfast, replenishing his exhausted system before renewing the toil of practice. _Lucy._ You're too bad, Frank. The dear fellow must not be laughed at. You know he has no practice. _Friskey._ O, there you're wrong. The first patient has been found. _Lucy._ You don't mean it? Who is it--Squire Prim, or Aunt Lucy Spear, Mr. Plumpface, or Mr. Oldbuck? Do tell me. I'm dying to know! _Friskey._ A person of greater importance. One with a high-sounding title. _Lucy._ Title--Judge Higgins? General Proof? You mysterious fellow, why don't you tell me. _Friskey._ It's "The Duchess of Dublin." _Lucy._ O, pshaw! Maggie Mullen. Frank Friskey, you're a torment. I really thought 'twas some distinguished character. _Friskey._ Well, the duchess had a fine _characther_ from her last place. By Jove! an idea. _Lucy._ Get rid of it, Frank; it's dangerous. _Friskey._ Hush! This is really a magnificent idea. Our doctor must have patients, for several reasons: First, he is engaged to a beautiful young lady, whom he will not marry until his practice will allow him to support her as he desires-- _Lucy._ Just as if I cared. I'm sure I'd rather help him up hill, than to wait for the elegant mansion he hopes to rear on the summit. _Friskey._ There _you_ are interested. In the second place, his sister is engaged to a fascinating young gentleman, ahem! and him she will not marry until her brother can afford to let her leave his house, of which she is the toiling mistress. _Lucy._ And there _you_ are interested. _Friskey._ Exactly. Therefore we are both interested in increasing the doctor's practice as soon as possible. _Lucy._ The sooner the better. _Friskey._ Now listen to me. Suppose that a high-born lady, a titled lady of Europe, should visit this country; should pass through this village; should suddenly be taken sick. The aid of our good friend the doctor is required. He is called in. The news spreads like wildfire through the village. Patients flock to his office. His fortune is made, and we are happy in our loves. _Lucy._ Ah, but where can we find such a patient? _Friskey._ She's here beneath this humble roof--"The Duchess of Dublin," _incog._ _Lucy._ Why, Frank, what a desperate idea! _Friskey._ Desperate cases require desperate means. What say you, will you join me? _Lucy._ In what way? _Friskey._ We will leave this house at once, separate, you go to the right, I to the left. Drop in here and there quite accidentally, and, in confidence, disclose the interesting news that "The Duchess of Dublin," _incog._, is in the skilful hands of Dr. Aconite. Magnify it a little, and await the result. I am confident that before night Adam will be as happy as a rush of complicated disorders can make an M. D. _Lucy._ Capital! only if we are found out-- _Friskey._ We'll laugh it off as a capital joke. If, in the mean time, Adam gets a good patient, he'll make his way to a good practice. _Lucy._ It's an absurd idea to exalt our Maggie to so high a position. Should anybody see her-- _Friskey._ Ah, but nobody must see her. The duchess is _incog._ You must communicate in the strictest confidence, and have it distinctly understood that not a word must be said to the doctor about his grand patient. _Lucy._ I understand, and you may depend upon me; only if the worst comes I shall throw all the responsibility upon you. _Friskey._ And I'll agree to take it all. Come, let's set out. _Lucy._ Without seeing Adam? _Friskey._ Yes, for I shan't trust you with him until you are fully committed to this arch plot. Come. _Lucy._ What, would you rob me of a sight of my Adam? _Friskey._ Eve-n so. Am I not robbed of the sight of my Annie? _Lucy._ Not even one embrace? _Friskey._ As a substitute embrace me. (_Throws his arms around her._) _Lucy_ (_screams_). You horrid wretch! (_Runs off, L., followed by FRISKEY._) _DR. ACONITE appears, R._ _Dr. A._ Am I awake? My friend, my bosom friend, with his arms about my affianced bride! Pills and powders! pestle and mortar! am I awake? Well, it's my usual luck. Day by day I've seen my stock of provisions sensibly decrease. I have this morning devoured the last fishball that could be manufactured from the slender stock of codfish and potatoes. It has vanished, and so has my love, with the friend of my bosom. There's nothing left for me now but to make a few slender meals of my sugar-coated pills, fricassee the canary, and then slowly but surely starve. (_Sinks into chair, L._) _Enter ANNIE ACONITE, R._ _Annie._ Well, brother, what would you like for dinner? _Dr. A._ Dinner? ha, ha! Dinner! Well, what say you to roast turkey with cranberry sauce? _Annie._ Brother! _Dr. A._ Or roast goose, with guava jelly? _Annie._ Brother! _Dr. A._ Or roast buffalo, with venison steak, devilled kidneys, and salmon, with oyster sauce on the half shell. _Annie._ Adam, are you crazy? _Dr. A._ Why not? Our dinner must be an imaginary one, so let's have it as costly and luxurious as possible. There's nothing in the larder. Let's be extravagant, and cook it all. _Annie._ Why, how you rave! Is the money all gone? _Dr. A._ Every cent. _Annie._ But the butcher? _Dr. A._ Would carve me with his meat-axe if I asked for credit. _Annie._ Then I'll try him. He won't carve me. Now don't be despondent. We have always had a dinner, and, depend upon it, you shall to-day. _Dr. A._ "O Woman, in our hours of ease, Uncertain, coy, and hard to please; But, when the dinner seems to lag, You'll have it, if you boil the puddin'-bag." Annie, why don't you marry Frank Friskey? _Annie._ Adam, why don't you marry the little milliner? _Dr. A._ Because I have no patients. _Annie._ And I have patience to wait until you get them before I marry Frank. _Dr. A._ But I never shall have a patient. There's a dead set against me. They're determined I shall not cure or kill anybody until I kill myself with waiting. _Annie._ Not so bad as that, Adam. Be patient, and wait. _Dr. A._ O, humbug! My instruments are all getting rusty, my pills old, my plasters cracking, and my drops drying up. Hang it, I'll go and doctor myself for amusement. (_Knock, L._) _Annie._ Hush! Perhaps there's a call. _Dr. A._ The undertaker, perhaps, in search of a job. Come in. _Enter DENNIS, L._ _Dennis._ The top uv the mornin' to ye's. Is the docther man in--I donno? _Dr. A._ Yes, I'm the doctor. _Dennis._ Is that so? Yer rivirance, if ye plaze, Squire Croony wants ye's quick. The ould missus's howlin' in the pangs uv insinsibility, the young masther's took wid the jumpin' croup in his skull, and the babby's got the janders--an' it's pisoned they all are intirely. _Dr. A._ What, Squire Croony? _Dennis._ The same, yer rivirance, onto the hill beyant. _Dr. A._ O, you've made a mistake. He wants Dr. Allopath. _Dennis._ Niver at all, at all. It's Dr. Ac--Ac--Acraoniting I was to sind. _Dr. A._ (_jumping up, and pulling off his dressing-gown_). My coat--quick! quick! (_ANNIE runs off, R._) Maggie, Maggie, my hat and cane! Here's luck. (_Enter ANNIE, with coat. He jumps into it._) You're sure he sent for me? _Dennis._ To be sure I am. _Dr. A._ Glory! glory! Rich Squire Croony! I'm a fortunate man. Where's my medicine case? (_Runs to table, R., and takes it._) My good man, I'm terribly afraid you've made a mistake. _Dennis._ Troth, I'm afraid they'll all git well afore you git there. _Dr. A._ That would be fatal--ahem!--to me. I'm off. I'll return at the earliest possible moment. Should anybody call, let them wait. Tell them I am suddenly called to my rich patient, ahem! Squire Croony. (_Going off, L._) _Enter MAGGIE, R., with DR. ACONITE'S hat and cane._ _Maggie._ Sure, docther, you're not going widout yer hat? _Dr. A_ (_returning_). That would be a mistake. (_Puts on hat._) You're sure, my man-- _Dennis._ O, bother! Would ye lave them all to die suddenly wid a long illness? _Dr. A._ I'm off. Glory! glory! Luck! (_Dances to door, L., then suddenly stops, straightens himself, and puts on a serious face_). Professional dignity, ahem! (_Struts off, L._) _Annie._ Maggie, remember, if anybody calls, "The doctor has been called to Squire Croony." [_Exit, R._ _Maggie._ That I will--the dear docther! The luck's a-coomin'. _Dennis._ Ah, ye's the fine gurl! Sure ye's remind me uv Donnybrook fair, in the ould counthry, wid ye's rosy cheeks, and pearly teeth, as white as--as--as--tombstones. _Maggie._ Ah, will, will! It's the blarney-stone ye've kissed, sure, in the ould counthry. _Dennis._ To be sure I have, colleen. Ah, bliss the ould sod! Sorry's the day I lift it, wid my own purty wife, Molly, who's been dead and gone the year, an' me wid the childers wid their bills open for food loike the little birds-- _Maggie._ 'Tis a widerer ye's are? _Dennis._ A lone widerer, wid a tear in one eye and the other wide open tight for a purty girl to fill the sitivation made vacant by the absince of my Molly. _Maggie._ Is it lonesome ye are? _Dennis._ Lonesome is it? Begorra! ye may will say that. Sure there's not blankets enough to kape the chill out uv me heart, whin I wake in the night and miss the music uv Molly's snore--for she had a powerful organ, and could pipe "St. Pathrick's Day" through her nose widout missing a note. Could ye's riccommend me? _Maggie._ Troth, I don't know what ye mane. _Dennis._ To a nice, respectable gurl that wouldn't mind incumbrances in the shape of nine as purty childers as iver built stone huts or made dirt pies, the darlints. _Maggie._ Troth, I think ye've give nine good raisins why no smart gurl would loike to take the head uv yer establishment. She'd be loike the ould woman that lived in a shoe. _Dennis._ An' ye couldn't be prevailed upon yeself to share my fortunes? _Maggie._ What's that, ye loonytic? Away wid ye's. I'll have none uv yer Molly's childers distractin' my shlumbers. So ye can take yer hat, misther, and yer lave to onct. _Dennis._ O, now, pity the sorrows of a poor lone, afflicted widower. _Maggie._ Git out er that, or I'll break yer skull. Away wid ye's. (_DENNIS runs off, L. Runs into OLDBUCK, who enters._) _Oldbuck._ O, murder! my foot! you villain! you scoundrel! _Dennis._ I ax yer pardon. Sind me the bill. [_Exit, L._ _Oldbuck._ Confound you for a blundering fool! Girl, give me a chair. (_MAGGIE sets chair, R. C. OLDBUCK, groaning, hobbles to it, and sits._) Now, then, where's the doctor? _Maggie._ Sure he's at Squire Croony's. _Oldbuck._ Squire Croony's--O, that foot! Why, he must have a pretty good practice. _Maggie._ Ye may will say that. He hasn't ate a morsel for three days, nor slipt for a wake. _Oldbuck._ Now that's a lie--O, my foot! Bring me a footstool--do you hear? Quick! _Maggie._ What's that? _Oldbuck._ A footstool, quick, or I'll break this cane-- _Maggie_ (_snatching cane from him_). Ye'll be civil, so yer will, or out uv this house ye go. _Oldbuck._ Give me that cane--O, my foot! You torment. _Maggie._ Be aisy now, misther, and till yer business. _Oldbuck._ I want the doctor. _Maggie._ He's away wid dacint sick folks, that don't howl and break canes, and the loike, ye ould hathen! _Oldbuck._ Do you know who I am? _Maggie._ I niver set my two eyes on ye's before the day, and I niver want to again. _Oldbuck._ You're a saucy jade--O, my foot! _Maggie_ (_poking his foot with the cane_). Does it burn. _Oldbuck._ O! O! murder! Do you want to kill me? _Maggie._ Kape a civil tongue in yer head, and I'll do ye's no harm. _Oldbuck._ When will the doctor return? _Maggie._ Soon as he's kilt or cured the sick folks at Squire Croony's. _Oldbuck._ Has he any patients in the house? _Maggie._ Yis, one. (_Aside._) Sure, I'm his patient; that's no lie. _Oldbuck._ Ah! Male or female? _Maggie._ Well, from my sowl, ye's a mighty inquisitive ould chap. It's a famale. _Oldbuck_ (_aside_). Ah, it's true then. Sh! Come here, my good girl. (_MAGGIE approaches him, and hits his foot._) O, my foot! You clumsy-- _Maggie_ (_poking his foot with the cane_). Does it burn? _Oldbuck._ O! O! O! Will you be quiet? _Maggie._ If ye'll kape a civil tongue. _Oldbuck._ I'm dumb. But tell me--this patient--who is she? I'll be secret. _Maggie._ Sure, ye's mighty mysterious. It's myself. _Oldbuck._ You? (_Aside._) They said she was _incog._ This must be her. And now I look at her, there's a certain grace about her, a queenly air--O, it's the duchess. (_Aloud._) Your grace-- _Maggie._ What's that? _Oldbuck._ Pardon me, your grace, I failed to recognize, in this mean attire, the high-born lady, which your highness must be. _Maggie._ The ould fellow's looney. (_Pokes his foot with the cane._) _Oldbuck._ O! O! my foot! _Maggie._ Will ye's kape a civil tongue? _Oldbuck._ Ten thousand pardons. I forgot your disguise. _Maggie._ Disguise is it? Troth, it's my belafe that it's yerself is disguised intirely--in liquor. _Plumpface_ (_outside, L., coughing violently_). Where's (_cough_) the (_cough_) doctor? (_Enters, L._) _Oldbuck._ Old Plumpface, confound him! _Maggie._ The doctor, is it? Troth, he's away on a call. He'll soon return. Take a cheer. (_Hands him chair, L. He sits._) _Plumpface_ (_coughs_). O, this infernal cough! I'm in the last (_cough_) stages of a decline. (_Coughs._) _Maggie._ The docther'll cure ye's in a jiffy. _Oldbuck._ Not that cough. Egad, he's kept it up for twenty years, and grows fat on it. Hallo, Plumpface! I thought Allopath was your medical adviser. _Plumpface._ He's a swindle. (_Cough._) He does me no good. (_Cough._) I'm going to try the new one. (_Cough._) _Oldbuck._ Humbug! Keep your money. There's nothing the matter with you. You've tried twenty doctors. They bleed your pocket, and add power to that infernal cough. _Plumpface._ Humbug yourself! (_cough_) hobbling round (_cough_) with that (_cough_) foot wrapped up. (_Cough._) Stay at home and diet. (_Cough._) _Maggie._ Ye'll make a die of it some day, sure, wid that watchman's rattle in ye's throat. _Plumpface_ (_to MAGGIE_). Here (_cough_), I want to whisper to you. (_Cough._) _Maggie_ (_comes close to him._) D'ye call that a whisper? _Plumpface._ Hush! (_Cough._) Don't let Oldbuck hear. (_Cough._) How is she? (_Cough._) _Maggie._ What she d'ye mane? _Plumpface._ Hush! The doctor's (_cough_) patient here. _Maggie._ Is it mysilf? Troth, I'm pickin' up lively. _Plumpface_ (_aside_). Her? Can she be the duchess? It must be, _incog._ Your grace. (_Cough._) _Maggie_ (_aside_). Your what? _Plumpface._ I'm delighted to (_cough_) meet your highness. (_Cough._) When did you leave the old country? (_Cough._) _Maggie._ The ould counthry, is it? _Oldbuck._ Here, this way. (_Aside to MAGGIE._) Plumpface is an old fool. Don't mind him, your grace. _Maggie._ Will, 'pon my sowl, if here isn't a couple of the quarest ould chaps I iver met. O, here's the docther. (_Gives OLDBUCK his cane._) _Enter DR. ACONITE, L. Exit MAGGIE, R._ _Dr. A._ The ice is broken. I've cured four individuals in ten minutes. My fortune's made. (_Comes, C._) _Plumpface_ (_jumping up_). O, doctor (_cough_), my cough! _Oldbuck_ (_jumping up_). Dear doctor, my foot--O! _Plumpface._ Please attend to me first. (_Cough._) _Oldbuck._ No, I arrived first, and claim your attention first. _Plumpface._ It's a lie. I sent an hour ago. (_Cough._) _Oldbuck._ He's a humbug. That cough's hereditary. _Plumpface._ You villain! (_Shakes fist at OLDBUCK._) _Oldbuck._ You swindler! (_Shakes fist at PLUMPFACE._) _Dr. A._ (_stepping between them_). Gentlemen, be calm. 'Tis the proud boast of medical science that it can settle all difficulties, mental as well as physical. You need my aid; but such are the claims upon my time that I cannot, without doing injustice to my numerous patients, attend to you at present. Give me your address, and I will call upon you at the earliest possible moment. _Oldbuck._ I am Squire Oldbuck. _Dr. A._ (_aside_). The rich squire--good! _Plumpface._ And I am Peter Plumpface. (_Cough._) _Dr. A._ (_aside_). The great manufacturer--good! _Oldbuck._ I can pay handsomely. _Plumpface._ I can pay liberally. _Dr. A._ Gentlemen, you shall receive my early attention. You will pardon me, but I have a patient in the house who requires my immediate attention. _Oldbuck_ (_aside_). "The Duchess of Dublin." _Plumpface_ (_aside_). The Dublin duchess. (_Cough. Aloud._) My dear doctor, I have heard of your skill. May I depend upon you? _Dr. A._ At the earliest possible moment. _Oldbuck._ You will give me early attention? _Dr. A._ Immediate. _Oldbuck._ Then I'll hobble home at once. Good day, doctor. (_Aside._) When old Plumpface is out of the way, I'll slip back again. [_Exit, L._ _Plumpface_ (_coughs_). I know your skill, doctor (_cough_,) and shall depend upon you. Good day. (_Cough. Aside._) I'll come back and quicken his memory when Oldbuck is out of sight. [_Exit, L._ _Dr. A._ (_rubbing his hands_). Ha, ha! that's a capital joke. Dr. Aconite, poor physician, turns two of the richest men out of his office to wait his pleasure! But that's the right way. 'Twill never do to be too anxious. Egad! they're rich acquisitions; for, though I have never met them, that cough and that gouty foot have been the rounds of the medical fraternity. Wonder how they happened to drop in upon me? No matter; I can cure them both in time. Ah, Time, you are the doctor's best friend, for you pay as you go. Luck's come at last, and that imaginary dinner shall be a real, substantial feast, to mark the day when Dr. Aconite took his first fee. _Enter SHARPSET, L._ _Sharpset._ Heow d'ye dew. You're Dr. Aconite, I reckon? _Dr. A._ I am. _Sharpset._ Jes' so. Wall, I'm Silas Sharpset, E. s. q., 'he founder and proprietor of the "Excelsior Perambulating Museum of Wonderful, Whimsical, Extraordinary, and Eccentric Living Curiosities." _Dr. A._ Indeed! _Sharpset._ Jes' so. You'll find in my wonderful collection studies of human nater in every variety. The remarkable and only original living fat girl, seven years of age, who has attained the enormous weight of seven hundred and seventy-seven pounds by a daily diet of molasses candy and gum drops. _Dr. A._ Remarkable, indeed! _Sharpset._ Jes' so. Also, the only real living skeleton, aged thirty-nine, weight seventeen pounds and three ounces, who lives on oatmeal gruel, eaten by the spoonful, once in forty-eight hours, who kin crawl through a stove-pipe of six inches diameter, and dance the Cachuca in a quart measure. _Dr. A._ Ah, that's too thin. _Sharpset._ Jes' so. Then there's the man born without either arms or legs, who can lift a hogshead with his teeth, and write a remarkably legible hand with his back hair, which he wears in a cue for that purpose. _Dr. A._ Cue-rious, indeed. _Sharpset._ Jes' so. Then there's the bald-headed accountant, with his head so full of figures that he can run up the longest account in no time, and, by the force of his stupendous intellect, make the sum total appear in round figures, visible to the naked eye, on the top of his head. _Dr. A._ A calculating baldhead. _Sharpset._ Jes' so. But the assortment is too numerous to mention. I kin only say, that for variety, versatility, and invention, this collection is unsurpassed, and kin be seen in all its beauty for twenty-five cents a head. _Dr. A._ Well, sir, what is your business with me? My time is precious. _Sharpset._ Jes' so. Wall, then, to come to the p'int. You've got a nat'ral living curiosity, and I want it. _Dr. A._ I've got a curiosity? So I have--a curiosity to know what you mean. _Sharpset._ Jes' so. Mighty secret, but it's no use, doctor; it's all over town. You'll have to give in, so you might as well make the best terms you kin with me, for I've greater facilities for exhibiting the critter than any other live man. Jes' so--Silas Sharpset, E. s. q., can't be beat. _Dr. A._ Exhibiting the critter, Mr. Sharpset? There's a wildness in your eye that betokens insanity. You are laboring under a wild hallucination. Go hence. Soak your feet, wrap a wet towel round your head, and return to your couch at once. _Sharpset._ Jes' so. Keep it up, doctor. But it won't fool me. The critter's here. Turn her over to me, bag and baggage, and I'll pay you a thousand dollars down. _Dr. A._ A thousand dollars--you'll pay me? Be calm, my friend, be calm. You betray unmistakable symptoms of a disordered mind. Will you oblige me with a little explanation? _Sharpset._ Jes' so. _Dr. A._ Who is the "critter" that you are in pursuit of? _Sharpset._ The duchess, of course. Why, consarn it, it's all over town. _Dr. A._ The duchess? Ah, yes, poor man, lunacy always takes high flights. Ah, who is the duchess? _Sharpset._ Jes' so. Doctor, do you see anything of a verdant hue in this optic? (_Finger on left eye._) It's no use. "The Duchess of Dublin" is in this house; is under your charge. Now do the handsome thing. I'll put her up as an extra attraction, charge double price, and divide profits. There's an offer. _Dr. A._ By doubling your price on "The Duchess of Dublin"? Now, you must excuse the question, but who is "The Duchess of Dublin"? and what have I to do with "The Duchess of Dublin"? _Sharpset._ Consarn it, mister, are you a fool? _Dr. A._ Now gently, friend. Be calm, be calm. (_Aside._) O, he's very crazy! _Sharpset._ Humbug! Will you, or will you not, accept my offer? Half profits for the duchess. Sharp's the word! Quick, or you lose it! _Dr. A._ My dear friend, it wouldn't hurt you to lose a little blood. My lancet's handy. _Sharpset._ Jehoshaphat! do you take me to be an idiot? _Dr. A._ You'd better go home. Your wife and children are expecting you. No doubt the little folks are chanting, with their childish voices, "Dear father, dear father, come home." _Sharpset._ Jes' so. You can't pull wool over my eyes, doctor. Silas Sharpset is sharpset by name and sharpset by nater. You can't fool me. You've got a prize, and want to keep it for yourself; but if I don't set the populace howling round your door, and make you show up the duchess, then you can shave my head, and lock me up for life. No monopolies here in living curiosities while Sharpset's around--not if he knows it: jes' so. [_Exit, L._ _Dr. A._ He's gone--home, I hope. He's very mad. Why don't his friends take care of him. It's dangerous to let a man run round with such horrid ideas as are rambling through his brain. The fat girl, the living skeleton, the bald-headed accountant, and "The Duchess of Dublin." 'Pon my word, the idea of my having under my charge a duchess! O, it's absurd. The man's crazy; he must be looked after; I'll follow him (_takes hat_), and see that he does no damage. (_Goes to door, L._) _Enters, suddenly, MISS ABIGAIL ALLLOVE, with a large book under her arm. Seizes DR. ACONITE by arm, and drags him down, C._ _Abigail_ (_mysteriously_). You are--are you?--or am I mistaken? _Dr. A._ Eh? You may be right, you may be wrong, or you may be mistaken. _Abigail._ You do not answer me; and I, poor lone orphan that I am, tremble in your presence. _Dr. A._ Eh? Are you often alone? Miss, or madam, let's drop this nonsense. Have, you any business with me? I am Dr. Aconite. _Abigail._ You are the friend of the unfortunate; the guide of suffering humanity to havens of rest; the healer of broken hearts; the finger-post that points the way to the mansion of health. O, human angel, list to my woes. _Dr. A._ Madam, or miss, I shall be happy to aid you with my professional skill. _Abigail._ Professional skill? Away with it. I want it not. I want sympathy, friendship, love. _Dr. A._ Ah, indeed. Then I'm sorry I cannot help you. They are not in my line. _Abigail._ List to a tale of grief. At the age of four I lost my mother, at the age of ten my father, at the age of fifteen my sister, at twenty my only brother, at twenty-five my uncle, at thirty-- _Dr. A._ O, stop, stop, stop! Spare me. I didn't kill them. I haven't been in practice a year. You must see I had no time for such slaughter. _Abigail._ I am alone in the world. No relatives, no friends, "no one to love,"--only this. (_Shows book._) _Dr. A._ And pray what is that? _Abigail._ A treasure millions could not buy. A pearl of matchless value--my life, my friend, my love--my autograph album. _Dr. A._ O, indeed, is that all? And you want my autograph? With the greatest pleasure. (_Attempts to take book._) _Abigail._ Away! Do not profane it with your touch. None but the noble stain its spotless pages. _Dr. A._ Ah, indeed! Pardon my presumption. _Abigail._ No, only the divine wielders of the pen, the classic movers of the artistic brush, the noble toilers with the gracing chisel, the seraphic sons and daughters of song, kings, emperors, queens, the high-born and the great can dot their i's in Abigail Alllove's autograph album. _Dr. A._ Decidedly select. _Abigail_ (_opening book_). Behold the autograph of the Emperor of China. _Dr. A._ (_reading_). "Will you come and take tea in the arbor. Te he!" Ah, did you te-ease him for that? _Abigail._ The name of the Emperor of the French. _Dr. A._ (_reading_). "Put out the light, and then put--Napoleon." Which he did. Very good. _Abigail._ The Queen of Sheba. _Dr. A._ (_reading_). "Anything on this board for ten cents. Saloma." Attentive to business, very. _Abigail._ Dr. Livingstone. _Dr. A._ (_reading_). "On, Stanley, on, Were the last words from Livingstone." Original, very. _Abigail._ Joshua Billings. _Dr. A._ (_reading_). "Duz time fli in fli time? Josh Billings." That's a very bad spell. _Abigail._ Alfred Tennyson. _Dr. A._ (_reading_). "When I can shoot my rifle clear To pigeons in the skies, I'll bid farewell to pork and beans, And live on pigeon pies." A. Tennyson." _Abigail._ Exquisite poet! _Dr. A._ I admire his taste. _Abigail._ Now, dear doctor, I would add one other name to my valuable collection. You can aid me. Will you? O, say you will--will you? and take the burden from the heart of a lone orphan. _Dr. A._ Madam, or miss, I should be very happy to assist you-- _Abigail._ O, rapturous answer! O, noble disciple of Æsculapius! The lips of the lone orphan will bless you; the tears of the lone orphan shall bless you; the smiles of the lone orphan-- _Dr. A._ Be calm, be calm. In what way can I assist you? _Abigail._ You have beneath your roof a noble lady-- _Dr. A._ Eh? _Abigail._ From a foreign clime. You hold her here in secret. Let me but get her name in my autograph album, and Abigail Alllove will die happy. _Dr. A._ Noble lady? (_Aside._) Another lunatic. _Abigail._ Yes, the name of "The Duchess of Dublin." _Dr. A._ The--dickens! Stark, staring mad. My dear young lady, you are laboring under a hallucination. Go home at once. Call your friends. _Abigail._ Alas! I have no friends. Did I not tell you I am a lone-- _Dr. A._ Yes, yes; but call in the neighbors, the kind neighbors-- _Abigail._ But the duchess! I must see the duchess. The hopes, the fears, the life of a lone orphan-- _Dr. A._ Lone orphan, go home; let me alone. I have no duchess, know no duchess. You are deceived. No, no, dear, go home. "Be it ever so humble, there's no place like home." _Abigail._ O, you wretch! You mean, contemptible quack. You have read my album, my precious volume, and now refuse my request. _Dr. A._ But, my dear young lady-- _Abigail._ Don't come near me! You've broken the heart of a lone orphan. You're a base, ungrateful, ugly, miserable pill-box! and I hope you'll never live to own an autograph album--there! [_Exit, L._ _Dr. A._ Good by, lone orphan. Now there's a case that requires immediate attention. Poor thing! I ought not to have let her go until her friends appeared. (_Enter DENNIS, L. Stands in door, beckoning to DR. ACONITE._) Hallo! who's that? _Dennis_ (_mysteriously_). Sh! sh! (_Creeps down, C., beckoning to DR. ACONITE._) _Dr. A._ Well, what is it? _Dennis._ It's all right, docther, it's all right. _Dr. A._ Well. I'm glad to know that, at any rate. _Dennis._ Yis, I'll not brathe a word. It's from the owld counthry I am. _Dr. A._ That's very evident. _Dennis._ An' it's mysilf that would give the worrld to sit my two eyes on her. Now, docther, it's a lone widdyer I am, an' would ye's go for to do me a kindness? _Dr. A._ To be sure I would. _Dennis._ Hiven bliss ye! Thin fich her out. Let me faist my eyes on her beautiful face, her illigant, dignified figure. Let me kiss the him of her magnificent dress, and hear her swate voice spake the brogue of the gim of the say. _Dr. A._ What are you talking about? Who do you want to see? _Dennis._ You know will what I mane--her grace, the noble, moighty, illigant "Duchess of Dublin." _Dr. A._ What? "The Duchess of Dublin?" Out of my house at once, or I shall do you an injury. _Dennis._ Faix, you don't mane it. Rob an Irishman of his right to pay his rispicts to a high-born lady uv his own counthry? _Dr. A._ Do you see that door? _Dennis._ Faix, I'm not blind. _Dr. A._ Then get the other side of it at once. (_Takes cane._) I've had enough of "The Duchess of Dublin." _Dennis._ Is that so? Thin I'm the b'y to take her off ye's hands. _Dr. A._ Will you leave this house? _Dennis._ To be sure I will, afther I've seen her grace. _Dr. A._ (_rushes at him with cane_). O, you will have it--will you? _Dennis_ (_backing to door_). Aisy, docther; I want none uv ye's medicine. But I'll say the duchess, so I will, wid ye's lave or widout it. [_Exit, L._ _Dr. A._ Has the whole village gone crazy? or is this some infernal plot to drive me into hopeless lunacy? _PLUMPFACE coughs outside, then enters, L._ _Plumpface._ Doctor (_cough_), I thought you were coming to (_cough_) see me? _Dr. A._ I'll be there in half an hour, Mr. Plumpface. Business of a very serious nature has detained me here. _Plumpface._ Yes (_cough_), I know. She kept you. _Dr. A._ She--Who do you mean? _Plumpface._ O (_cough_), it's all right, doctor. I'm in the secret. (_Cough._) I've seen her; spite of her disguise, I knew her at once. (_Cough._) _Dr. A._ Knew her at once? Who, pray? _Plumpface._ O, you sly dog! (_Cough._) The duchess. _Dr. A._ Heavens and earth! She here again? _Plumpface._ She hasn't been away--has she? (_Cough._) _Dr. A._ Look here, Plumpface. Go home, quick! Go to your room, get into bed, and don't stir until I get there. _Plumpface._ What's the matter now? _Dr. A._ Your case has taken a serious turn. You are going to get rid of that cough. It's going to your head. You will be mad. _Plumpface._ Mad? You don't say so! What a horrible idea! I'm afraid you're right. I haven't coughed for three minutes. O, doctor, is there no hope? _Dr. A._ Don't stop to talk. Get home at once. (_Pushes him out of door, L._) Run for your life. How he goes! The exercise will do his lungs good; but his head, poor fellow! He's got the duchess fever. _Enter OLDBUCK, L._ _Oldbuck._ I say, doctor, what's the matter with Plumpface? I met him, running. Is there a fire anywhere? _Dr. A._ Yes, very near him--in his head. It has been turned. _Oldbuck._ You don't say so. By what, pray? _Dr. A._ By "The Duchess of Dublin." _Oldbuck._ Egad! she's enough to turn anybody's head. But I say, doctor, how is she? _Dr. A._ What? _Oldbuck._ I'm mightily interested in her. How's she getting along? I've seen her, too. _Dr. A._ O, this is too much. Oldbuck, look at that foot. _Oldbuck._ What's the matter? _Dr. A._ It's swelling fearfully. A dangerous symptom. It must be kept down. (_Steps on his foot._) _Oldbuck._ O, murder! Confound you, what are you doing? _Dr. A._ Keeping down the swelling. (_Steps again._) _Oldbuck._ O! Do you want to murder me? _Dr. A._ (_steps again. OLDBUCK avoids him, and runs round stage, crying out_). I tell you, there's no other way. (_Steps._) Get home, quick! (_Steps._) Quick! If the swelling continues (_steps_) 'twill reach a vital part. (_Steps._) Go home! (_OLDBUCK runs out, L., crying out._) He's gone. No more practice to-day. (_Locks door._) O, that infernal duchess! She's nearly driven me mad, mad, mad! (_Sinks into chair._) _Enter ANNIE, R._ _Annie._ O, brother, what does it all mean? The yard is filled with people. _Enter MAGGIE, R., with broom._ _Maggie._ And the fince is covered wid bys, roosting loike so many hins. I'll have them off, jist. (_Goes, L._) _Dr. A._ Stop! Don't open that door. My life's in danger if you open that door. (_Shouts outside, "Hi! hi! The duchess! the duchess!"_) O, Lord! the whole village has got it--and got it bad. O, Annie, if you love me, send for Dr. Allopath, send for Judge Busted, or I am completely busted. _Annie._ Brother, are you sick? What does this mean? _Enter FRANK and LUCY, R._ _Frank._ It means fame, fortune. O, it's glorious! _Dr. A._ Glorious to have your front yard filled with a howling, yelling pack? Hear that. (_Shouts outside, "Hi! hi! The duchess! the duchess!"_) _Frank._ O, that's all right. _Dr. A._ (_jumping up_). All right! And perhaps 'twas all right when I saw you a half hour ago with your arms around my affianced bride. _Annie._ You did? O, Frank, how could you? _Frank._ It's all right, I tell you. (_Shouts outside, as before._) I can explain. But, in the mean time, we've work before us. Here, Lucy, just throw that cloud around your head so your eyes alone will be visible. (_She does so._) That's good. Now, doctor, give Lucy your arm. _Dr. A._ But I would like to know-- _Frank._ So you shall. In the mean time unhesitatingly obey me. Your professional reputation is at stake. Give Lucy your arm, go up stairs, open the window, step out upon the balcony, and gracefully bow to the assembled people. (_Shouts as before._) _Dr. A._ Yes, but this proceeding-- _Lucy._ Is strictly proper. Depend upon it, Adam, there is no other way. _Dr. A._ If there is no other way, will you be kind enough to tell me what this way is? _Lucy._ Right up stairs. Come. _Dr. A._ But what is it about? _Lucy._ About time we were up stairs--so come along. [_Exit, DR. ACONITE and LUCY, R._ _Annie._ Now, Mr. Frank Friskey, I should like to know-- _Frank._ Hush! (_Goes to door, L. Shouts as before._) I hear them above. Now he opens the window. Good. (_Outside shouts, "Hurrah! hurrah! hurrah!"_) Splendid! _Alice._ Will you oblige me--(_Outside shouts, "Hurrah! hurrah! hurrah!"_) _Frank._ Good, good! Ah, now he's shutting the window. _Maggie._ 'Pon my sowl, is it the prisident? _Frank._ The crowd is breaking up. (_Knock at door, L._) _Enter DR. ACONITE and LUCY, R._ _Dr. A._ Will anybody, male or female, be kind enough to look in my face, and tell me if I am Adam Aconite, or if I am not Acom Adamite. _Frank._ I'll be back in a minute. (_Runs off, R._) _Maggie._ Sure it's the most mysterious mystery that iver took place. It bates the deluge, sure. (_Knock at door, L._) _Lucy._ Shall I open the door, doctor? _Dr. A._ No--yes--don't mind me. I'm not myself. I'm out of my head. I'm mad, mad, mad! (_Sinks into chair._) _Annie._ O, brother! isn't this terrible? (_Knock, L._) _Maggie._ Bedad, there'll be a breakdown at that door, or I'm mistaken. (_Opens door. OLDBUCK, SHARPSET, PLUMPFACE, and DENNIS tumble in on floor._) Troth, is that a pelite way to inter the house? (_They pick themselves up._) _Oldbuck._ Introduce me, doctor. _Plumpface._ No; me first, doctor. _Sharpset._ I'll hold to my bargain. _Dennis._ Presint me, docther. _Maggie_ (_swinging her broom round her head_). Shoo! Away wid ye's! Don't you say the docther's sick? (_They fall back._) _Dr. A._ (_rising_). Gentlemen, I am at your mercy. An hour ago I was the possessor of a noble intellect. Now, I am like the reed shaken by the blast. To whom shall I present you? _Oldbuck_, _Plumpface_, _Sharpset_, _Dennis_. "The Duchess of Dublin." _Dr. A._ "Monsieur Tonson come again." (_Sinks into chair._) _Maggie._ "The Duchess of Dublin." O, be aisy wid yer nonsinse. Sure there's nobody here that answers to that name at all at all. _Enter FRANK, R._ _Frank._ No, because her grace has just been driven away in her own carriage. I had the honor of bringing her here; I have had the honor to conduct her from this place, and to receive her thanks for the able manner in which she has been treated by Dr. Aconite. _Dr. A._ (_comes down, C._). Have you been taken, too, Frank? Alas! poor fellow! _Frank._ O, it's all right! Listen to me. Annie! Lucy! (_Beckons to them. They come down, C. OLDBUCK, PLUMPFACE, SHARPSET, and DENNIS come down._) Your pardon, gentlemen, a little family secret. _Maggie_ (_swings her broom around her head_). Shoo! Ye are trespassing, d'ye mind! (_They retire._) _Frank._ Doctor, for all the trouble you have endured to-day, I, and I alone, am to blame. We are all interested in your success, and, to insure that success, Lucy and I put our heads together. _Dr. A._ And your arms about each other--yes. _Frank._ And concocted a scheme which has succeeded admirably. (_OLDBUCK, PLUMPFACE, SHARPSET, and DENNIS look at each other, then stealthily approach, C._) _Maggie_ (_flourishing broom_). Shoo! Away wid ye's! Have ye's no manners, ye hathens? _Frank._ You have your hands full of patients now, from the fact that it has leaked out that you had under your charge a high-born lady. You know that one good customer will attract others. Your success is assured, and our happiness, I trust, not in the distance, as it appeared to be an hour ago. _Dr. A._ And you have deceived the trusty public, and given me position by a lie. _Frank._ No, for "The Duchess of Dublin" is still under your roof. Have you forgotten the title I gave to Maggie? and she certainly was your patient. _Dr. A._ I never thought of that, Frank. I owe you much. But if ever you attempt another such trick-- _Frank._ But I shan't. This one will give me a wife (_takes ANNIE'S hand_), and there will be no more mischief in me. _Dr. A._ Lucy, what have you to say for yourself? _Lucy._ O, I'm delighted. It brings our wedding day so much nearer. _Dr. A._ Well, I suppose I must be satisfied then. Gentlemen (_all come down R. and L._), I have rather neglected my business to-day, but, having such a mysterious patient, I think you will pardon me. I intend, in the future, to give my attention strictly to village practice. _Oldbuck._ It's all right, doctor. I'm proud to have as my physician a gentleman who has been the medical attendant of so distinguished a personage. _Plumpface._ Yes, indeed, you've sent my cough off in a hurry, just by your advice; and if you can keep it from my head-- _Dr. A._ No fear, Mr. Plumpface. I'll cure your head in short order. _Sharpset._ Say, doctor, can't you give me the address of the lady? I'll make her a splendid offer to take a position in my Living Curiosity Gallery. _Dr. A._ No, that would be betraying profound secrecy. _Dennis._ Sacrecy, is it? Be jabers, it's no sacret that she's gone. Ye've a sthrong lift in the profession, and I've a mind to engage ye's to docther the nine childer, if ye'll make the fays conform to the size uv thim. _Enter ABIGAIL, L._ _Abigail._ And has she gone? and am I bereft of her autograph? O, cruel doctor! to so basely deceive a lone orphan-- _Dr. A._ Now don't! Say no more about it, my dear miss--madam. It was a mistake. If you will pardon me, I will endeavor to obtain for you the autograph of the king of the Cannibal Islands, in red ink, made from the blood of a missionary. _Abigail._ Will you? O, then I forgive you, with all my heart. _Dr. A._ (_to audience_). Ladies and gentlemen, you have witnessed the success of Dr. Aconite during the last half hour in obtaining patients. It may possibly occur to you that they have been obtained by false pretences. But am I to blame? Maggie, come here. (_MAGGIE comes down L. of DR. ACONITE._) I am seeking patients, and want a good recommendation. What can you say for me? _Maggie._ Sure, ye's the illigant docther, so ye are, an' it's a plisure to be sick wid the chance of being cured or kilt by the loikes uv ye's. _Dr. A._ You hear what she says. Can I hope for your support? Will you become my regular patients? If you will, it shall be my endeavor to serve you well; and you know I can bring a high recommendation from no less a personage than her grace, "The Duchess of Dublin." _Situations._ R. LUCY. DR. ACONITE. L. ANNIE. MAGGIE. FRANK. ABIGAIL. OLDBUCK. SHARPSET. DENNIS. PLUMPFACE. CURTAIN. SPENCER'S UNIVERSAL STAGE. _A Collection of COMEDIES, DRAMAS, and FARCES, adapted to either Public or Private Performance. Containing a full description of all the necessary Stage Business._ _PRICE, 15 CENTS EACH._ [**hand] _No Plays exchanged._ 1. =Lost in London.= A Drama in Three Acts. 6 Male, 4 Female characters. 2. =Nicholas Flam.= A Comedy in Two Acts. By J. B. Buckstone. 5 Male, 3 Female characters. 3. =The Welsh Girl.= A Comedy in One Act. By Mrs. Planche. 3 Male, 2 Female characters. 4. =John Wopps.= A Farce in One Act. By W. E. Suter. 4 Male, 2 Female characters. 5. =The Turkish Bath.= A Farce in One Act. By Montague Williams and F. C. Burnand. 6 Male, 1 Female character. 6. =The Two Puddifoots.= A Farce in One Act. By J. M. Morton. 3 Male, 3 Female characters. 7. =Old Honesty.= A Comic Drama in Two Acts. By J. M. Morton. 5 Male, 2 Female characters. 8. =Two Gentlemen in a Fix.= A Farce in One Act. By W. E. Suter. 2 Male characters. 9. =Smashington Goit.= A Farce in One Act. By T. J. Williams. 5 Male, 3 Female characters. 10. =Two Heads Better than One.= A Farce in One Act. By Lenox Horne. 4 Male, 1 Female character. 11. =John Dobbs.= A Farce in One Act. By J. M. Morton. 5 Male, 2 Female characters. 12. =The Daughter of the Regiment.= A Drama in Two Acts. By Edward Fitzball. 6 Male, 2 Female characters. 13. =Aunt Charlotte's Maid.= A Farce in One Act. By J. M. Morton. 3 Male, 3 Female characters. 14. =Brother Bill and Me.= A Farce in One Act. By W. E. Suter. 4 Male, 3 Female characters. 15. =Done on Both Sides.= A Farce in One Act. By J. M. Morton. 3 Male, 2 Female characters. 16. =Dunducketty's Picnic.= A Farce in One Act. By T. J. Williams. 6 Male, 3 Female characters. 17. =I've written to Browne.= A Farce in One Act. By T. J. Williams. 4 Male, 3 Female characters. 18. =Lending a Hand.= A Farce in One Act. By G. A. A'Becket. 3 Male, 2 Female characters. 19. =My Precious Betsy.= A Farce in One Act. By J. M. Morton. 4 Male, 4 Female characters. 20. =My Turn Next.= A Farce in One Act. By T. J. Williams. 4 Male, 3 Female characters. 21. =Nine Points of the Law.= A Comedy in One Act. By Tom Taylor. 4 Male, 3 Female characters. 22. =The Phantom Breakfast.= A Farce in One Act. By Charles Selby. 3 Male, 2 Female characters. 23. =Dandelions Dodges.= A Farce in One Act. By T. J. Williams. 4 Male, 2 Female characters. 24. =A Slice of Luck.= A Farce in One Act. By J. M. Morton. 4 Male, 2 Female characters. 25. =Always Intended.= A Comedy in One Act. By Horace Wigan. 3 Male, 3 Female characters. 26. =A Bull in a China Shop.= A Comedy in Two Acts. By Charles Matthews. 6 Male, 4 Female characters. 27. =Another Glass.= A Drama in One Act. By Thomas Morton. 6 Male, 3 Female characters. 28. =Bowled Out.= A Farce in One Act. By H. T. Craven. 4 Male, 3 Female characters. 29. =Cousin Tom.= A Commedietta in One Act. By George Roberts. 3 Male, 2 Female characters. 30. =Sarah's Young Man.= A Farce in One Act. By W. E. Suter. 3 Male, 3 Female characters. 31. =Hit Him, He has No Friends.= A Farce in One Act. By E. Yates and N. H. Harrington. 7 Male, 3 Female characters. 32. =The Christening.= A Farce in One Act. By J. B. Buckstone. 5 Male, 6 Female characters. 33. =A Race for a Widow.= A Farce in One Act. By Thomas J. Williams. 5 Male, 4 Female characters. 34. =Your Life's in Danger.= A Farce in One Act. By J. M. Morton. 3 Male, 3 Female characters. 35. =True unto Death.= A Drama in Two Acts. By J. Sheridan Knowles. 6 Male, 2 Female characters. 36. =Diamond cut Diamond.= An Interlude in One Act. By W. H. Murray. 10 Male, 1 Female character. 37. =Look after Brown.= A Farce in One Act. By George A. Stuart, M. D. 6 Male, 1 Female character. 38. =Monseigneur.= A Drama in Three Acts. By Thomas Archer. 15 Male, 3 Female characters. 39. =A very pleasant Evening.= A Farce in One Act. By W. E. Suter. 3 Male characters. 40. =Brother Ben.= A Farce in One Act. By J. M. Morton. 3 Male, 3 Female characters. 41. =Only a Clod.= A Comic Drama in One Act. By J. P. Simpson. 4 Male, 1 Female character. 42. =Gaspardo the Gondolier.= A Drama in Three Acts. By George Almar. 10 Male, 2 Female characters. 43. =Sunshine through the Clouds.= A Drama in One Act. By Slingsby Lawrence. 3 Male, 3 Female characters. 44. =Don't Judge by Appearances.= A Farce in One Act. By J. M. Morton. 3 Male, 2 Female characters. 45. =Nursey Chickweed.= A Farce in One Act. By T. J. Williams. 4 Male, 2 Female characters. 46. =Mary Moo; or, Which shall I Marry?= A Farce in One Act. By W. E. Suter. 2 Male, 1 Female character. 47. =East Lynne.= A Drama in Five Acts. 8 Male, 7 Female characters. 48. =The Hidden Hand.= A Drama in Five Acts. By Robert Jones. 16 Male, 7 Female characters. 49. =Silverstone's Wager.= A Commedietta in One Act. By R. R. Andrews. 4 Male, 3 Female characters. 50. =Dora.= A Pastoral Drama in Three Acts. By Charles Reade. 5 Male, 2 Female characters. 51. =Blanks and Prizes.= A Farce in One Act. By Dexter Smith. 5 Male, 2 Female characters. 52. =Old Gooseberry.= A Farce in One Act. By T. J. Williams. 4 Male, 2 Female characters. 53. =Who's Who.= A Farce in One Act. By T. J. Williams. 3 Male, 2 Female characters. 54. =Bouquet.= A Farce in One Act. 2 Male, 3 Female characters. 55. =The Wife's Secret.= A Play in Five Acts. By George W. Lovell. 10 Male, 2 Female characters. 56. =The Babes in the Wood.= A Comedy in Three Acts. By Tom Taylor. 10 Male, 3 Female characters. 57. =Putkins: Heir to Castles in the Air.= A Comic Drama in One Act. By W. R. Emerson. 2 Male, 2 Female characters. 58. =An Ugly Customer.= A Farce in One Act. By Thomas J. Williams. 3 Male, 2 Female characters. 59. =Blue and Cherry.= A Comedy in One Act. 3 Male, 2 Female characters. 60. =A Doubtful Victory.= A Comedy in One Act. 3 Male, 2 Female characters. 61. =The Scarlet Letter.= A Drama in Three Acts. 8 Male, 7 Female characters. 62. =Which will have Him?= A Vaudeville. 1 Male, 2 Female characters. 63. =Madam is Abed.= A Vaudeville in One Act. 2 Male, 2 Female characters. 64. =The Anonymous Kiss.= A Vaudeville. 2 Male, 2 Female characters. 65. =The Cleft Stick.= A Comedy in Three Acts. 5 Male, 3 Female characters. 66. =A Soldier, a Sailor, a Tinker, and a Tailor.= A Farce in One Act. 4 Male, 2 Female characters. 67. =Give a Dog a Bad Name.= A Farce. 2 Male, 2 Female characters. 68. =Damon and Pythias.= A Farce. 6 Male, 4 Female characters. 69. =A Husband to Order.= A Serio-Comic Drama in Two Acts. 5 Male, 3 Female characters. 70. =Payable on Demand.= A Domestic Drama in Two Acts. 7 Male, 1 Female character. _Price, =15= cents each. Descriptive Catalogue mailed free on application to_ GEO. M. BAKER & CO., 149 WASHINGTON ST., BOSTON. Plays for Amateur Theatrics. By GEORGE M. BAKER. _Author of "Amateur Dramas," "The Mimic Stage," "The Social Stage," "The Drawing-room Stage," "A Baker's Dozen," &c._ =Titles in this Type are New Plays.= DRAMAS. _In Three Acts._ _Cts._ =My Brother's Keeper.= 5 male, 3 female characters. 15 _In Two Acts._ =Among the Breakers.= 6 male, 4 female characters. 15 SYLVIA'S SOLDIER. 3 male, 2 female characters. 15 ONCE ON A TIME. 4 male, 2 female characters. 15 DOWN BY THE SEA. 6 male, 3 female characters. 15 BREAD ON THE WATERS. 5 male, 3 female characters. 15 THE LAST LOAF. 5 male, 3 female characters. 15 _In One Act._ STAND BY THE FLAG. 5 male characters. 15 THE TEMPTER. 3 male, 1 female charac. 15 COMEDIES and FARCES. =The Boston Dip.= 4 male, 3 female characters. 15 =The Duchess of Dublin.= 6 male, 4 female characters. 15 WE'RE ALL TEETOTALERS. 4 male, 2 female characters. 15 A DROP TOO MUCH. 4 male, 2 female characters. 15 THIRTY MINUTES FOR REFRESHMENTS. 4 male, 3 female characters. 15 A LITTLE MORE CIDER. 5 male, 3 female characters. 15 _Male Characters Only._ =Gentlemen of the Jury.= 12 char. 15 =A Tender Attachment.= 7 char. 15 =The Thief of Time.= 6 char. 15 =The Hypochondriac.= 5 char. 15 =A Public Benefactor.= 6 char. 15 =The Runaways.= 4 char. 15 =Coals of Fire.= 6 char. 15 WANTED, A MALE COOK. 4 char. 15 A SEA OF TROUBLES. 8 char. 15 FREEDOM OF THE PRESS. 8 char. 15 A CLOSE SHAVE. 6 char. 15 THE GREAT ELIXIR. 9 char. 15 THE MAN WITH THE DEMIJOHN. 4 char. 15 HUMORS OF THE STRIKE. 8 char. 15 NEW BROOMS SWEEP CLEAN. 6 char. 15 MY UNCLE THE CAPTAIN. 6 char. 15 _Female Characters Only._ =The Red Chignon.= 6 char. 15 =Using the Weed.= 7 char. 15 =A Love of a Bonnet.= 5 char. 15 =A Precious Pickle.= 6 char. 15 THE GREATEST PLAGUE IN LIFE. 8 cha. 15 NO CURE, NO PAY. 7 char. 15 THE GRECIAN BEND. 7 char. 15 ALLEGORIES. _Arranged for Music and Tableaux._ =The Revolt of the Bees.= 9 female characters. 15 LIGHTHEART'S PILGRIMAGE. 8 female characters. 15 THE WAR OF THE ROSES. 8 female characters. 15 THE SCULPTOR'S TRIUMPH. 1 male, 4 female characters. 15 MUSICAL AND DRAMATIC. =The Seven Ages.= A Tableau Entertainment. Numerous male and female characters. 15 TOO LATE FOR THE TRAIN. 2 male characters. 15 SNOW BOUND; OR, ALONZO THE BRAVE AND THE FAIR IMOGENE. 3 male, 1 female character. 25 BONBONS; OR, THE PAINT-KING. 3 male, 1 female character. 25 THE PEDLER OF VERY NICE. 7 male characters. 15 AN ORIGINAL IDEA. 1 male, 1 female character. 15 CAPULETTA; OR, ROMEO AND JULIET RESTORED. 3 male, 1 female character. 15 _TEMPERANCE PIECES._ THE LAST LOAF. 5 male, 3 female characters. 15 THE TEMPTER. 3 male, 1 female character. 15 WE'RE ALL TEETOTALERS. 4 male, 2 female characters. 15 A DROP TOO MUCH. 4 male, 2 female characters. 15 A LITTLE MORE CIDER. 5 male, 3 female characters. 15 THE MAN WITH THE DEMIJOHN. 4 characters. 15 Transcriber's Notes Words surrounded by _ are italicized. Words surrounded by = are bold. Small capitals are presented as all capitals in this e-text. Obvious printer's errors have been repaired, other inconsistent spellings have been kept. In the original book, the advertisement titled "SPENCER'S UNIVERSAL STAGE" were divided into two halves, the first half in the beginning of the book (before the drama) and the second half at the end. In this e-book, both halves have been kept together at the end. End of Project Gutenberg's The Duchess of Dublin, by George M. Baker *** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE DUCHESS OF DUBLIN: A FARCE *** Updated editions will replace the previous one—the old editions will be renamed. Creating the works from print editions not protected by U.S. copyright law means that no one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation (and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to copying and distributing Project Gutenberg™ electronic works to protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG™ concept and trademark. Project Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you charge for an eBook, except by following the terms of the trademark license, including paying royalties for use of the Project Gutenberg trademark. If you do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the trademark license is very easy. You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and research. Project Gutenberg eBooks may be modified and printed and given away—you may do practically ANYTHING in the United States with eBooks not protected by U.S. copyright law. Redistribution is subject to the trademark license, especially commercial redistribution. START: FULL LICENSE THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK To protect the Project Gutenberg™ mission of promoting the free distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work (or any other work associated in any way with the phrase “Project Gutenberg”), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project Gutenberg™ License available with this file or online at www.gutenberg.org/license. Section 1. General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg™ electronic works 1.A. By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg™ electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property (trademark/copyright) agreement. If you do not agree to abide by all the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy all copies of Project Gutenberg™ electronic works in your possession. If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project Gutenberg™ electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8. 1.B. “Project Gutenberg” is a registered trademark. It may only be used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement. There are a few things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg™ electronic works even without complying with the full terms of this agreement. See paragraph 1.C below. There are a lot of things you can do with Project Gutenberg™ electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg™ electronic works. See paragraph 1.E below. 1.C. The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation (“the Foundation” or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project Gutenberg™ electronic works. Nearly all the individual works in the collection are in the public domain in the United States. If an individual work is unprotected by copyright law in the United States and you are located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg are removed. Of course, we hope that you will support the Project Gutenberg™ mission of promoting free access to electronic works by freely sharing Project Gutenberg™ works in compliance with the terms of this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg™ name associated with the work. You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project Gutenberg™ License when you share it without charge with others. 1.D. The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern what you can do with this work. Copyright laws in most countries are in a constant state of change. If you are outside the United States, check the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project Gutenberg™ work. The Foundation makes no representations concerning the copyright status of any work in any country other than the United States. 1.E. Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg: 1.E.1. The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate access to, the full Project Gutenberg™ License must appear prominently whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg™ work (any work on which the phrase “Project Gutenberg” appears, or with which the phrase “Project Gutenberg” is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed, copied or distributed: This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and most other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you will have to check the laws of the country where you are located before using this eBook. 1.E.2. If an individual Project Gutenberg™ electronic work is derived from texts not protected by U.S. copyright law (does not contain a notice indicating that it is posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees or charges. If you are redistributing or providing access to a work with the phrase “Project Gutenberg” associated with or appearing on the work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the Project Gutenberg™ trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or 1.E.9. 1.E.3. If an individual Project Gutenberg™ electronic work is posted with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional terms imposed by the copyright holder. Additional terms will be linked to the Project Gutenberg™ License for all works posted with the permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work. 1.E.4. Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg™ License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg™. 1.E.5. Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project Gutenberg™ License. 1.E.6. You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary, compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any word processing or hypertext form. However, if you provide access to or distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg™ work in a format other than “Plain Vanilla ASCII” or other format used in the official version posted on the official Project Gutenberg™ website (www.gutenberg.org), you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon request, of the work in its original “Plain Vanilla ASCII” or other form. Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg™ License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1. 1.E.7. Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying, performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg™ works unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9. 1.E.8. You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing access to or distributing Project Gutenberg™ electronic works provided that: • You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from the use of Project Gutenberg™ works calculated using the method you already use to calculate your applicable taxes. The fee is owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg™ trademark, but he has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation. Royalty payments must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax returns. Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the address specified in Section 4, “Information about donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation.” • You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg™ License. You must require such a user to return or destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of Project Gutenberg™ works. • You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days of receipt of the work. • You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free distribution of Project Gutenberg™ works. 1.E.9. If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg™ electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the manager of the Project Gutenberg™ trademark. Contact the Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below. 1.F. 1.F.1. Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread works not protected by U.S. copyright law in creating the Project Gutenberg™ collection. Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg™ electronic works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain “Defects,” such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by your equipment. 1.F.2. LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the “Right of Replacement or Refund” described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project Gutenberg™ trademark, and any other party distributing a Project Gutenberg™ electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal fees. YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH 1.F.3. YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH DAMAGE. 1.F.3. LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a written explanation to the person you received the work from. If you received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with your written explanation. The person or entity that provided you with the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a refund. If you received the work electronically, the person or entity providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund. If the second copy is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further opportunities to fix the problem. 1.F.4. Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you ‘AS-IS’, WITH NO OTHER WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE. 1.F.5. Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages. If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by the applicable state law. The invalidity or unenforceability of any provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions. 1.F.6. INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone providing copies of Project Gutenberg™ electronic works in accordance with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production, promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg™ electronic works, harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees, that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg™ work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any Project Gutenberg™ work, and (c) any Defect you cause. Section 2. Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg™ Project Gutenberg™ is synonymous with the free distribution of electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers. It exists because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from people in all walks of life. Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the assistance they need are critical to reaching Project Gutenberg™’s goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg™ collection will remain freely available for generations to come. In 2001, the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure and permanent future for Project Gutenberg™ and future generations. To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4 and the Foundation information page at www.gutenberg.org. Section 3. Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non-profit 501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal Revenue Service. The Foundation’s EIN or federal tax identification number is 64-6221541. Contributions to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state’s laws. The Foundation’s business office is located at 809 North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887. Email contact links and up to date contact information can be found at the Foundation’s website and official page at www.gutenberg.org/contact Section 4. Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation Project Gutenberg™ depends upon and cannot survive without widespread public support and donations to carry out its mission of increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be freely distributed in machine-readable form accessible by the widest array of equipment including outdated equipment. Many small donations ($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt status with the IRS. The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United States. Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up with these requirements. We do not solicit donations in locations where we have not received written confirmation of compliance. To SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any particular state visit www.gutenberg.org/donate. While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who approach us with offers to donate. International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from outside the United States. U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff. Please check the Project Gutenberg web pages for current donation methods and addresses. Donations are accepted in a number of other ways including checks, online payments and credit card donations. To donate, please visit: www.gutenberg.org/donate. Section 5. General Information About Project Gutenberg™ electronic works Professor Michael S. Hart was the originator of the Project Gutenberg™ concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared with anyone. For forty years, he produced and distributed Project Gutenberg™ eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support. Project Gutenberg™ eBooks are often created from several printed editions, all of which are confirmed as not protected by copyright in the U.S. unless a copyright notice is included. Thus, we do not necessarily keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition. Most people start at our website which has the main PG search facility: www.gutenberg.org. This website includes information about Project Gutenberg™, including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks.